RS - February 2017 by Lawrence Ambrocio

realsimple LIFE MADE EASIER

YOUR FRESH START

A guide to creating a calm, organized, and happier life

SOFTER, YOUNGER-LOOKING HANDS

TODAY!

MIND TRICKS FOR WEIGHT LOSS BOLD DECOR MOVES TO BRIGHTEN ANY ROOM

FEBRUARY 2017

4 STORIES OF UNEXPECTED LOVE

DNA or OLAY? Olay discovered that almost of women naturally look years younger. Now every woman can be ageless. We engineered Olay Regenerist to dramatically reduce the look of wrinkles. See results on day , and years oﬀ your skin age by day . All without paying hundreds of dollars. DNA or Olay? Your skin will never tell.

J O H N M U I R , J O H N O F T H E M O U N TA I N S : T H E U N P U B L I S H E D J O U R N A L S O F J O H N M U I R

Photograph by Kurt Simonson

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L A D D E R , F R O M T H E S E R I E S N O RT H W O O D S J O U R N A LS ; K U R T S I M O N S O N .C O M

“I only went out for a walk, and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.”

THE ACTIVE WAY TO HEALTHIER-LOOKING SKIN

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @LYAZEL

MARRIAGE HELPER? JACKS RING HOLDER ($8; CB2.COM).

jewelry, that deserves to be obsessed over. But a little organization doesn’t hurt! Meanwhile, this month we have both. It’s February, after all, so we asked four couples to share the stories of how they met, starting on page 106. And if you’d like to avoid your own “Could you keep an eye out for…?” conversations, check out our “Organize This” challenge on page 34; we tackle a different trouble spot in the home every month with easy tips and key products. By the way, we found the lost ring after a very long week in which it became obvious that despite my husband’s calm exterior, he was just as upset about it as I was (awww). It had rolled under the bed and behind a gym bag. So clearly that is our next space to reorganize!

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HERE’S TO YOUR HEALTH When it comes to our eating and fitness goals, most of us know what we should be doing—it’s the actual doing that’s tough. That’s why this month we bring you eight simple strategies for getting to the right mind-set to reach your health goals, whether that’s losing weight or eating more mindfully. It’s also why I love Health magazine’s Total Wellness Weekend at Canyon Ranch Wellness Resort in Lenox, Massachusetts. This year it’s May 5–7, and I’ll be there speaking about easy ways to get organized so you can find the motivation (and time!) to achieve your health goals. Join us! For more information, see page 69 and visit health .com/totalwellness.

P O R T R A I T BY R O B H O WA R D ; FA S H I O N S T Y L I N G BY A LY S S A D I N E E N ; H A I R BY M AT T H E W M O N Z O N FO R J E D R O O T; M A K E U P BY K AT I E J A N E H U G H E S . R I N G H O L D E R P H O T O G R A P H BY A A R O N D Y E R .

HE OTHER WEEK, while my husband and I were getting ready for work, he casually said, “Hey, could you keep an eye out for my wedding ring?” Notice how he sidestepped the word “misplaced” or “lost.” Also notice the timing: a busy weekday morning that left little time for discussion. Clearly this is a man who has learned a few things over our 10 years of marriage. Because while I’m calm and cool about many issues, misplacing or losing things makes me a little nuts. It just seems so preventable. This is why we have a holder for keys in our entryway, a basket for bills in the office, and, ahem, a nifty ring holder that I bought my husband for his dresser (below; it’s from CB2 if you’re curious). Then there was the fact of what he lost: the band that symbolizes our love and commitment. “If he can so cavalierly misplace a precious emblem of our relationship,” I thought, starting to totally spiral, “then what does that say about his devotion to the relationship itself?” After a few deep breaths, a quiet cup of coffee, and a little perspective, I had my answer: nothing. While commercials try to convince us that a diamond is forever, sometimes the diamond—or, in this case, a simple gold band—gets lost. It’s the love, not the

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THE BEST NEW BR A S ............................ 57 02. 2017

ON THE COVER Your fresh start: A guide to creating a calm, organized, and happier life Softer, younger-looking hands today 48 Mind tricks for weight loss 100 Bold decor moves to brighten any room 120 4 stories of unexpected love 106

Cover Photograph by

Levi Brown Set Design by

Jeffrey W. Miller

S M A RT E R A P P ROAC H E S TO D I E T I N G . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 0

G E N I U S B E AU T Y P RO D U C T S A N D T I P S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 8

M O U T H WAT E R I N G P O R K D I S H E S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2

FEBRUARY 2017

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the Realist FLOWER POWER

RAISE YOUR HANDS

Make your roses last . . .

THOUGHTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

ORGANIZE THIS

HOT FLASHES, BEGONE!

Utility closet . . . . . . . . . . . 3 4

Find relief from perimenopause symptoms (page 93).

The right bulb for every room . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 7

EDITOR’S NOTE . . . . . . . . . . 4 REAL SIMPLE 24/7 . . . . . . 1 0

Secrets to smoother, healthier hands . . . . . . . . 4 8

DRUGSTORE CHEAT SHEET

Makeup artist Monika Blunder’s favorite products . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 4

LIGHTBULB MOMENT

BRAS JUST GOT BETTER

THINGS COOKS KNOW . . . 4 2

A roundup of new-andimproved supporters . . .

ROAD TEST

Root touch-ups . . . . . . . . 4 4

TREND TO TRY

Lapis blue . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 6

NOW WHAT?!?

YOUR WORDS

What did your parents teach you about love? . . 1 3

Smart solutions for life’s little disasters . . . . . . . . . 4 6

Food 5 EASY DINNERS . . . . . . . 1 3 1

THE SHORT LIST

This month’s top book picks . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 0

Relating 5 THINGS TO SAY WHEN

AMERICAN VOICES

YOU HAVE NO WORDS

María Cristina “MC” González Noguera of Estée Lauder . . . . . . . . . .

How to comfort a grieving loved one . . . . .

What We Love

BIG BATCH

Green pozole . . . . . . . . . 1 3 9 ROAD TEST

Granola . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 4 0 87

THE NEW NEUTRAL

An upgraded version of the classic nude pump . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3

THE VETS WILL SEE

ASK BUCKY

YOU NOW

Is it OK to brag in a cover letter? . . . . . . . . . . . 8 8

Your vexing pet questions, answered . . .

MONEYWISE

THE STAPLE

Tahini . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 4 LITTLE HELPERS . . . . . . . . 2 6 PRETTY SMART

Beauty products and tricks to simplify your life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 8 NEW USES FOR OLD THINGS

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

Spend less, save more . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 0

GOOD READ

Writer Daphne Merkin finds a second home at her neighbors’ . . . . . . . . .

FAMILY

Learn to love those hard-to-love people . . . 1 4 3 Comedy writer Ilana Manaster’s pantry Post-it notes . . . . . . . . . . 1 5 0

BREEZE THROUGH

PERIMENOPAUSE

Ways to cope with this annoying (and rarely discussed) life stage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

MODERN MANNERS

Getting your kid to write thank-you notes and other etiquette matters . . . . . 8 2

Mason jar lids . . . . . . . . . . 3 0

PA G E 1 2 0

AHHH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 9

Features WHAT DOES IT REALLY TAKE TO LOSE WEIGHT?

Fix the behaviors that are holding you back . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 0 FINDING THE ONE

Four couples share their love stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 6 PASS THE PIG

PA G E 1 5 0

Delicious pork recipes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 PATTERN PLAY

See how design experts Mauri Weakley and Ben Heemskerk make bold prints work in their home . . . . . . 1 2 0 REAL SIMPLE® (ISSN 1528-1701) IS PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY TIME INC. PRINCIPAL OFFICE: 225 LIBERTY STREET, NEW YORK, NY 10281. PERIODICALS POSTAGE PAID AT NEW YORK, NY, AND ADDITIONAL MAILING OFFICES. POSTMASTER: SEND ALL UAA TO CFS (SEE DMM 507.1.5.2); NON-POSTAL AND MILITARY FACILITIES: SEND ADDRESS CORRECTIONS TO REAL SIMPLE MAGAZINE, P.O. BOX 62120, TAMPA, FL 33662-2120. CANADA POST PUBLICATIONS MAIL AGREEMENT NO. 40110178. RETURN UNDELIVERABLE CANADA ADDRESSES TO: POSTAL STN. A, P.O. BOX 4015, TORONTO, ON M5W 2T2. GST#888381621RT0001. SUBSCRIBERS: IF THE POSTAL SERVICE ALERTS US THAT YOUR MAGAZINE IS UNDELIVERABLE, WE HAVE NO FURTHER OBLIGATION UNLESS WE RECEIVE A CORRECTED ADDRESS WITHIN TWO YEARS. U.S. SUBSCRIPTIONS: $28.95 FOR ONE YEAR. YOUR BANK MAY PROVIDE UPDATES TO THE CARD INFORMATION WE HAVE ON FILE. YOU MAY OPT OUT OF THIS SERVICE AT ANY TIME. MAILING LIST: WE MAKE A PORTION OF OUR MAILING LIST AVAILABLE TO REPUTABLE FIRMS. CUSTOMER SERVICE AND SUBSCRIPTIONS: FOR 24/7 SERVICE, PLEASE USE OUR WEBSITE, REALSIMPLE.COM/CUSTOMERSERVICE. YOU CAN ALSO CALL 1-800-881-1172 OR WRITE TO REAL SIMPLE AT P.O. BOX 62120, TAMPA, FL 33662-2120. © 2017 TIME INC. FOR INTERNATIONAL LICENSING AND SYNDICATION REQUESTS, PLEASE VISIT HTTP://WWW.TIMEINC.COM/SYNDICATION OR CALL 1-212-522-5868. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION IN WHOLE OR IN PART WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION IS PROHIBITED. REAL SIMPLE® IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF TIME INC. VOLUME 18, ISSUE 2. PRINTED IN THE U.S.A.

FEBRUARY 2017

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48 hours of yogurt-enriched moisture. For your skin. ®

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REALSIMPLE 24/7 FOLLOW US ONLINE FOR E XCLUSIVE IDE A S, TIP S, AND WAYS TO MAKE LIFE E A SIER—E VERY DAY.

Here: Rebecca’s midcenturyinfluenced living room. Her favorite item? The pouf from Land of Nod!

Every Monday on Instagram Stories, we’re sharing powerful quotes to start your week off right. Find us at @real_simple.

MOTI VATI ON

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” —NEL SON MANDEL A

DIGITAL ART DIRECTOR AT REAL SIMPLE

Designer who inspires me: Lotta Nieminen My favorite pattern: Who doesn’t love a fun banana-leaf print or stripes? My secret skill: Weaving! FIND MORE @ R E B EC C A H A RT D E S I G N O N I N STAG R A M

JOIN THE MORE THAN

700K P EO P L E W H O G E T I N S P I R E D BY O U R P I N T E R E ST B OA R D S E V E RY DAY. H E A D OV E R TO P I N T E R E ST.C O M / RE AL SIMPLE.

G E T O RGA N I Z E D Download Cozi from your app store and streamline to-do lists and calendars.

Video director BRIAN M A D I GA N directs a Facebook Live shoot with RealSimple.com senior editor Brigitt Earley.

TUNE IN LIVE ON FACEBOOK The best part of Facebook Live: We can answer your questions in real time. Whether you need us to switch out an ingredient or offer a decorating trick for your bedroom, get answers immediately when you watch our daily live streams.

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S N A P C H AT @ R E A L S I M P L E M AG

I N STAG R A M @RE AL_SIMPLE

T O P : P H O T O G R A P H S C O U R T E S Y O F @ R E B E C C A H A R T D E S I G N . B O T T O M : P H O T O G R A P H BY C H R I S T I N A N AVA

MONDAY

MEET

REBECCA HART

Shift You

It’s time to take a fresh look at your ceiling. With added design space, it’s more than a roof over your head. It’s your ﬁfth wall. With the touch of a button, VELUX skylights transform spaces with fresh air and daylight from above, so you can aim higher than the average wall. Learn more at whyskylights.com.

o o l k t . u O r

LOVE

YOU

This year, say it in chocolate. Love has never been so delicious. Come see our language of silky smooth DOVE Chocolate at sayitindovechocolate.com ®

®/TM trademarks ©Mars, Incorporated 2017

@ELLEANDIZZY snapped this unfiltered

photo of her family. Share your real moments on Instagram with the hashtag #womenIRL.

Q. A. What did your parents teach you about love?

It starts at home. My parents taught me that the best way to show my children love is by loving my spouse. KRISTY BR ANSCUM, Conway, Arkansas

FEBRUARY 2017

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Love unconditionally.

My parents have been married 65 years. I learned that the secret to a lasting marriage is respect, admiration, and patience. Lots of laughter helps, too!

Love crosses over religious, social, economic, and political lines. STACEY ALLEN MOORE, Henderson, Nevada

RELATIONSHIPS ARE NEVER 50/50. IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL, YOU HAVE TO GO ALL IN. IF IT’S NOT 100/100, IT WILL NEVER WORK. THANKS, MOM AND DAD.

The golden rule. When it comes to love, my parents taught me to be accepting, be patient, and, above all, be kind.

SUSAN COYNE, Hamilton, New Jersey

MARY GREEN-DURBIN, Centerburg, Ohio

MARIA SPER ANZA, Los Angeles

It doesn’t have to end with divorce.

She taught me love is not about how you feel. It’s what you do and how you do it.

Forgiveness is vital. It’s a must for individual healing, new blessings, clarity in life, renewing faith, and rebuilding trust.

YO U R W O R D S

@BEBEBIRDIE

Even though my parents parted ways after 18 years of marriage, they continued to care about, support, and stay in touch with each other for the rest of their lives. They moved on to other marriages, but my holidays were spent with all of us together—both my parents, their new spouses, and their kids. LORI J. WYRICK, Vancouver, Washington

RITA DUMAS, Louisville, Kentucky

Love is an action.

Love was my dad coming home with surprise candy bars for me and my brother. It was being tucked in and given a kiss good night. Love was Dad with his corny jokes and great sense of humor. And it was seeing the love and admiration he had for my mother. He was love.

On their 50th anniversary, my parents were asked what the secret to their marriage was. “Respect,” they said. My mother said there might have been times over the years when they didn’t like one another, but they always had respect for each other.

CL AIRE FAY MILLER, Glen Mills, Pennsylvania

I was adopted, and my parents taught me that love is unconditional and that family comes in many forms. KELLY BARNEY, Battle Creek, Michigan

MY DAD INGRAINED IN ME THAT LOVE IS NOT A FLEETING EMOTION. IT’S ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE ELSE’S NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN. HOLLY R. L AYER, East Aurora, New York

BRENDA THOMPSON, Pittsburgh

Love is letting you have the last bite of chocolate cake.

Dinner Made Simple 35 Everyday Ingredients, 350 Easy Recipes by the Editors of

For a chance to win our latest book, follow @womenIRL on Instagram.

Dedication. MY MOTHER WA S ILL WHEN I WA S A TEENAGER, AND MY DAD WORKED FULL-TIME AND TOOK CARE OF HER AND THREE GIRLS. DEBBIE WNUK, Rehoboth, Massachusetts

MIMI SINAGOGA, Dover, New Hampshire

UPCOMING QUESTION

If you could add an extra day to the week, how would you spend it? Go to realsimple.com/yourwords and let us know your answer. It could appear on these pages.

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The wrinkle cream that raised the jar.

New Rapid Wrinkle Repair

Rich, luxurious and clinically proven to reduce wrinkles faster than any other retinol product. It’s the most powerful Accelerated Retinol SA formula ever. You’ll see healthier, younger-looking skin in one short week. Wrinkles, your time is up. Find out more at neutrogena.com/retinol See what’s possible.

The short list FIVE B O O K S THAT WON’ T DISAPP OINT

Popular science In The Perpetual Now, journalist Michael D. Lemonick introduces Lonni Sue Johnson, an artist who was left severely amnesiac after encephalitis. She now lives permanently in the present: Her memories are wiped clean about every 15 minutes. Through sharing Johnson’s compelling story, Lemonick delivers a fascinating lesson that deepens our appreciation for our own memories.

Life guide Literary fiction At the start of Katie Kitamura’s spellbinding novel A Separation, a couple has split up. But when the husband disappears in Greece, the wife reluctantly agrees to look for him. As her search goes on, she discovers that she knew less about the man she married than she thought.

Think of The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down as ancient Buddhist philosophy for the modern age. Korean monk Haemin Sunim offers profound but relatable wisdom on coping with the daily grind—and on keeping sight of what really matters. Leave this book on your nightstand to clear your head before bed.

Happiness handbook Hygge (pronounced hoo-ga) is a Danish term that loosely translates to “a feeling of coziness and contentment.” Since Denmark ranked number one in the 2016 World Happiness Report, Meik Wiking’s The Little Book of Hygge—which recommends croquet, wool socks, and candlelight— may just be your passport to bliss.

Great for book club Written by

Inspired by Andrew Wyeth’s 1948 painting Christina’s World, novelist Christina Baker Kline’s A Piece of the World paints an imagined portrait of the real woman whose image is so widely known. It’s a gorgeous read.

Liz Loerke Photograph by

Aaron Dyer

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FOR HEALTHIER-LOOKING SKIN, LOOK FOR EUCERIN, NOW IN THE RED CAP. Eucerin Advanced Repair, formerly Smoothing Repair, is a breakthrough to repair dry, itchy, rough, flaky skin.

Learn more at www.EucerinUS.com

NEW LOOK

BEFORE

You’re an expert in the art of compromise. Except when it comes to your cookies.

W H AT W E LOV E

E V ERY THING OUR EDITOR S ARE BUZ ZING AB OUT THIS MONTH

THE NEW NEUTRAL Nude pumps are the foundation of many a stylish outfit, but this wardrobe workhorse doesn’t have to be boring. Meet the updated version, with a richer hue (don’t worry—it still pairs well with everything) and a sturdy (read: walkable), embellished heel to put confidence in your step. TO BUY: L.K.Bennett Marlowe heel, $395; lkbennett.com.

Written by Rebecca Daly Photograph by Aaron Dyer FEBRUARY 2017

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THE STAPLE Written by Heath Goldman Recipes by Robin Bashinsky Photograph by Ralph Smith

3 QUICK IDEAS Tahini roast chicken

W H AT W E LOV E

Combine ½ cup tahini, ¼ cup honey, 2 tsp. kosher salt, and 1 tsp. black pepper. Rub half under the skin of 1 3½-lb. whole chicken and the remaining mixture over the skin. Roast at 375°F until a thermometer inserted into the thickest portion of the thigh registers 165°F, about 1 hour. Serve with lemon wedges and fresh oregano leaves.

Horseradish hummus

Tahini blondies

TAHINI It’s the secret to creamy hummus, so chances are you’ve eaten tahini before. Made entirely from ground-up sesame seeds, the paste is similar to natural nut butter. Until a few years ago, it was mostly used in Middle Eastern–inspired dishes, but the secret’s out: Tahini adds richness and moisture to baked goods and a pleasant bitter-nuttiness to savory dishes. Open sesame—ASAP.

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Combine 1¾ cups packed light brown sugar, 1 cup tahini, ¼ cup melted butter, and 2 large eggs in a large bowl. Stir in 1½ cups all-purpose flour and ¼ tsp. each kosher salt and baking soda. Transfer to an 8-inch square baking dish lined with parchment. Top with 1 tsp. flaky sea salt. Bake at 325°F until golden, 20 to 25 minutes.

RS PICK

We like Joyva for its deep, roasted flavor, which is nuttier than those of other brands.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY J U L I E F LY N N FO R H A L L E Y R E S O U R C E S I N C .

Process 1 15-oz. can drained and rinsed cannellini beans, ½ cup tahini, 3 Tbsp. each fresh lemon juice and water, 2 Tbsp. creamy prepared horseradish, and 1 tsp. kosher salt in a food processor until smooth. Top with black sesame seeds; serve with crudités or pita chips.

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LIT TLE HELPERS 5 smart products to make your day easier

Adorable cleaning tool Disinfect your microwave in a flash with this five-inch, dishwasher-safe doodad. Just fill with vinegar and water, place on the microwave tray, and set the oven timer for five minutes. The heated water steams up the inside of the oven, softening stuck-on gunk so you can wipe clean. Angry Mama, $10; bulbhead.com.

Sweetening the deal at the finish line is a special spot for dessert.

Mealtime game

W H AT W E LOV E

Replace the “One more bite, please” conversation with this playful plate, which comes in pirate, “supper” hero, and enchanted-forest themes. Dinnerwinner, $20; fredandfriends.com.

You light up my… bag: This little wonder helps you spot keys in the dark.

Improve the sound quality of earbuds (without upgrading to bulky headphones) with this handy rechargeable gadget—the Boomstick. Plug headphones into it and you get better volume, bass, and clarity. BoomCloud 360 Boomstick, $80; sprint.com.

Written by

Brandi Broxson Photographs by

Ralph Smith

Works with iPhone 7 when plugged into a Lightning headphone jack adapter.

Next-level floss

Pursse light g t

This dentist-developed floss is cylindrical, not flat, and made of hundreds of filaments to scrub between teeth more effectively. It comes in flavors like strawberry, coconut, mint, and Cara Cara orange, and it’s a great motivator for kids (or adults) who need a flossing nudge. Cocofloss, $8; cocofloss.com.

Drop this three-inch, 1½-ounce gadget into your bag vortex—it turns on when it senses a hand reaching in. SOI purse light, $30; uncommongoods.com.

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P R O P S T Y L I N G BY J U L I E F LY N N FO R H A L L E Y R E S O U R C E S I N C .

Earbud enhancer

HYDRATION

the key to skin that glows from within Neutrogena@ Hydro Boost Water Gel Has your skin started to lose its get up and glow? Dehydration is a common culprit. Formulated with hyaluronic acid, Hydro Boost is clinically proven to quench skin instantly and release continuous hydration all day. Skin is plump, deeply hydrated, and back to its glowing self. WHAT IS

HYALURONIC ACID?

Hyaluronic acid (HA), naturally found in skin, is a powerful hydrator that holds up to 1,000 times its weight in water. We lose Hyaluronic acid over time, but the added HA in Hydro Boost works to help keep skin cells* hydrated and “plumped”, resulting in supple, youthful-looking skin.

See what’s possible. For all the skin hydrating benefits of hyaluronic acid, ask your dermatologist or visit neutrogena.com/hydroboost

*stratum corneum layer © J&JCI 2016

PRET TY SMART

W H AT W E LOV E

The latest beauty products and tips that save time, money, and—best of all—your sanity

THE COLOR PURPLE Brighten even the drabbest winter skin with a swirl of Kevyn Aucoin The Neo Limelight ($58; kevynaucoin.com) on cheekbones and brow bones. This pigmented highlighter goes on like iridescent pixie dust, so you look refreshed—not like you had a run-in with your kid’s glittery craft project.

FEBRUARY 2017

Written by Heather Muir Maffei Photograph by Danny Kim

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M AG I C E Y E

Extra foam, please

Have a Coke & smile

MAKING BRILLIANT USE OF SCHOOL-SUPPLY TECHNOLOGY, CLARINS 4-COLOUR ALL-IN-ONE PEN ($30; CLARINS.COM) HOUSES FOUR CREAMY LINERS. JUST CLICK THE COLOR-CODED TABS TO DISPENSE NUDE FOR LIPS OR BLACK, BROWN, OR BLUE FOR EYES.

First there was the beloved Dove beauty bar. Then the cult-favorite creamy body wash. And now the frothy magic that is Dove Deep Moisture Shower Foam ($6; at drugstores). One pump delivers a puff of foam that hydrates skin and rinses clean.

Your favorite throwback lip product meets the iconic soda in the pinkie-size Lip Smacker Cherry Coke Cup Lip Balm ($4; lipsmacker.com). Unscrew the lid to reveal the balm that tastes almost as good as the real thing.

P R E V I O U S PA G E : P R O P S T Y L I N G BY W E N D Y S C H E L A H FO R H A L L E Y R E S O U R C E S I N C . T H I S PA G E : P H O T O G R A P H S BY P H I L I P F R I E D M A N ; P R O P S T Y L I N G BY M A I T R A N

W H AT W E LOV E

J U ST PL AIN FUN

Cover story

Hat-hair helper

Get glowing

Watch your tone

Opaque enough to cover dark circles, zits, and hyperpigmentation but light enough not to cake or settle into fine lines, Nars Soft Matte Complete Concealer ($30; narscosmetics.com) contains hyaluronic acid to moisturize. In 16 shades.

Stash Garnier Fructis Style Frizz Guard AntiFrizz Dry Spray ($4.50; garnierusa.com) in your purse or desk drawer so that, after shedding your cold-weather layers (hat, scarf), you can tamp down annoying static and fuzz— and add a hit of shine.

Smooth Almay Healthy Glow Makeup + Gradual Self Tan SPF 20 ($15; almay .com) over skin to conceal imperfections immediately. It doubles as a self-tanner— when you wash it off, you’ll look subtly sun-kissed. In three shades.

Color correcting is confusing. First Aid Beauty Hello FAB 3 in 1 Superfruit Color Correcting Cushion ($38; sephora.com) eliminates the guesswork, since you pat it all over your face. Green cancels out redness; pink evens tone; purple brightens.

FEBRUARY 2017

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NEW USES FOR

MASON JAR LIDS You know them, you love them. Canning jars are the darlings of the craft and decor world. Put the metal lids to work (while the glass jars are on duty holding smoothies or flowers) with these smart hacks.

P H OTO M AG N E T For a quick fridge frame, trim photo to size, using the flat lid piece as a template. Glue the photo to the inside of the flat plate and place inside the ring. Then glue a small magnet to the back of the plate. Voilà!

MAKESHIFT MUFFIN TINS Can’t find the muffin pan? No problem. Place six jar rings (wide side down) on a cookie sheet. Set a paper baking cup in each, fill with batter, and bake according to the recipe.

Written by Brandi Broxson Photograph by Yasu + Junko

FIND THREE MASON JAR MEALS

that will make lunchtime so much easier at realsimple.com/ masonjarlunches.

VOT I V E H O L D E R For a charming base that protects surfaces from wax drips, apply glue to the edge of the flat piece and place inside the ring; let dry.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY E L I Z A B E T H P R E S S

W H AT W E LOV E

D OUGH CUT TER Use the ring of a lid to press circles for biscuits or sugar cookies with ease.

LOVE IS COMPLICATED. SIMPLE and Sweet Lärabar Bites are not. Food Made From Food.™ .

UNCOMMON KNOWLED GE FOR MODERN TIME S

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY E L I Z A B E T H P R E S S

FLOWER POWER TREATING YOURSELF to a bunch of roses this month? Make them last by cutting stems flat and pulling off leaves that will sit below the water, says John M. Dole, professor of floriculture at North Carolina State University. And definitely add that little packet of flower food. No packet? Dole says that roses thrive in a vase filled with equal parts water and (wait for it) lemon-lime soda—the sugar, citric acid, and preservatives do the trick.

Written by Brandi Broxson Photograph by Yasu + Junko

ROSES ON YOUR PLATE

For five delicious (and romantic) infused recipes, go to realsimple.com/roses.

FEBRUARY 2017

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O RGA N I Z E T H I S

Utility closet BIG PICTURE AN OPEN SPACE INVITES MESS; CUBBIES, BINS, AND SHELVES WORK AS VISUAL CUES FOR ORDER.

Our cheat sheet takes your household supply zone to a higher plane. HANGING CADDY Cut a canvas shoe bag to the length of your choice and you have neat slots for spray bottles, cleaning wipes, and other essentials that tend to get swallowed up by deep shelves.

MOP SPOT A wall-mounted organizer prevents tall cleaning tools from toppling and corrals shorties like scrub brushes and dust pans.

TO BUY: Real Simple 24-pocket shoe organizer, $20; bed bathandbeyond.com.

TO BUY: Medium Grook

Utility Holder, $15; casabella.com. T H E R E A L I ST home

RELOADING DOCK Use a hanging sweater organizer to hold just-right amounts of paper towels and trash bags—supplies you otherwise store in bulk in the basement. TO BUY: Real Simple 6-shelf

DRY-ERASE DECAL With a stick-on whiteboard, a patch of wall or door space can become a mini command center—a place for invitations and shopping lists. TO BUY: J Board, $35 (14 inches square); threebythree.com.

BATTERY STASH Keep your AAAs, Cs, and Ds sorted in a compact mounted rack. You will never have to rummage through the junk drawer looking for a replacement again!

DEEP SPACE A solo drawer takes care of random items that could otherwise wreak havoc. TO BUY: Double Hang One-Drawer O-Box, $132; organizeit.com.

TO BUY: Battery Storage Rack by Range Kleen, $18; wayfair.com.

Written by Stephanie Sisco Photograph by Jonny Valiant

FEBRUARY 2017

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B AT T E R Y B O X, WAY FA I R ; J B O A R D, T H R E E BY T H R E E S E AT T L E

hanging organizer, $20; bedbathandbeyond.com.

®/™ Trademarks © Mars, Incorporated 2016. US Patent D492,836.

Cleaner gets you closer.

Each tasty DENTASTIX treat helps your dog maintain a clean, healthy mouth, so you can get closer. Pedigree.com TM

buy it for bragging rights Some people buy a Moen for their top-rated customer service. Others buy Moen for their lifetime warranty. You? You bought Moen to turn them green with envy. SEE MORE at MOEN.COM ©2017. See moen.com for limited lifetime warranty details.

Align® Spring Faucet

LIGHTBULB MOMENT

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY W E N D Y S C H E L A H FO R H A L L E Y R E S O U R C E S I N C .

T H E R E A L I ST home

Overwhelmed by the options in the bulb aisle? Our room-by-room guide makes it easy to pick the right bulb for the right job, improving your home’s mood and safety—and your bottom line.

Written by Amanda Lecky Photograph by Danny Kim

FEBRUARY 2017

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B E D RO O M

L I V I N G RO O M

B AT H RO O M

K I TC H E N

B E FO R E YO U B U Y A B U L B , K N O W T H I S

Warm lighting is helpful for nighttime, when you’re getting ready to sleep; in the morning, cooler, brighter light can help you feel alert. Dimmable soft white bulbs offer both.

This hangout hub calls for warm, yellow light, to create a cozy atmosphere and flatter skin tones. Choose a bulb that’s dimmable, too, so you can amp up lighting when you need it—say, for family game night.

Some experts suggest using “daylight” bulbs, or bulbs with cooler lighting, in the bathroom, as they show colors more accurately. But there’s another school of thought: “You may find a soft white bulb more flattering,” says Rider. (In other words, just how much precision do you want in the bathroom mirror?)

This task-oriented room demands a high-quality light. Bulbs labeled “HD” generally offer the most clarity. If you regularly eat in your kitchen, consider a dimmable bulb.

E N E RGYS AV I N G S U P E R STA R

T H E P RO S ’ P I C K S

Philips dimmable LED warm-glow-effect bulb, $8; homedepot.com

Utilitech soft white LED decorative bulb, $9 for two; lowes.com

“This bulb works with any kind of dimmer. It’s designed to change ‘color temperature’—from a standard soft white to a warmer, more ambertoned light—as it dims. Not all dimmable LEDs do this. Many others just lower the level of light output without actually changing the appearance of the light.”

“This works in almost any space. It looks like a traditional incandescent bulb and replicates the light of the soft white bulbs you’re probably used to. But it uses 80 percent less energy and lasts 10 to 20 times as long as those incandescents. Plus, it’s dimmable and very affordable.”

—TIM RIDER, LED product

manager at Philips Lighting North America

EcoSmart soft white G25 dimmable frosted LED bulb, $20 for three; homedepot.com

“For a classic look in a bathroom vanity, try an LED globe light. This one has a frosted finish that cuts glare. It also works well in pendant fixtures in work spaces, like above a kitchen island.” —JOEY CORONA, lightbulb

merchant at Home Depot

—DEAN KOCHALKA,

merchandising vice president at Lowe’s

GE Lighting Reveal high-definition dimmable bulb, $10 for two; homedepot.com

“A light that brings out colors and definition in food is helpful for meal prep and presentation. This LED bulb is made with the rare-earth mineral neodymium, which creates a stronger separation in the way your eye views reds and greens. The result is that all colors look more vivid and whites more brilliant, allowing you to see in sharper detail.”

“Mood lighting it’s not, but if you want to save on electric bills and not have to buy a new bulb till your 401(k) matures, this is the one for you. It lasts about 20 years and uses nearly 85 percent less energy than a standard incandescent.” —JOEY CORONA

—CARMEN PASTORE,

consumer marketing manager at GE Lighting

DIY UNDER-CABINET LIGHTING: If you want to illuminate your counters without spending big on the whole project (say, in a rental), consider Philips Hue Lightstrip Plus ($90 per kit; bestbuy.com). It’s a 6.6-foot strip of LED lights with adhesive backing that you can cut to length, stick in place, and plug in.

FEBRUARY 2017

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L I G H T B U L B P H O T O G R A P H S C O U R T E S Y O F R E TA I L E R S

T H E R E A L I ST home

EcoSmart bright white dimmable LED bulb, $33 for six; homedepot.com

D I N I N G RO O M

Do you really have to abide by the recommendedwattage label taped to the lamp cord? Yes. It’s a safety issue. That label lets you know how much heat the fixture can handle without damaging the socket and internal wiring. If you’re using a standard incandescent bulb, you should be especially obedient about the wattage guide. With CFLs and LEDs, you have a little more flexibility: “They use significantly less energy than standard bulbs, so you can go up in wattage if you want a brighter light,” says Rider. No label on your lamp? “Use a CFL or LED to avoid exceeding its wattage,” advises Rider.

B E FO R E YO U B U Y A B U L B , K N O W T H I S

Floodlight-shaped bulbs focus hall lighting on the floor, making nighttime navigation easier. Consider installing a motion-sensing fixture that turns on the light automatically whenever there’s movement— you won’t have to grope for that switch in the dark again.

The goal is to create an intimate atmosphere where you gather for meals, so dimmable bulbs that give off a warm yellow glow are ideal. Vintage-style or candelabra bulbs are a sophisticated choice for chandeliers or pendants.

T H E Y ’ V E G OT THE POWER

T H E P RO S ’ P I C K S

Three bulbs we love for their special talents

S L E E PBET TER BULB

EcoSmart soft white dimmable LED bulb, $30 for six; homedepot.com

“This bulb is compatible with fully enclosed fixtures, meaning it won’t overheat and damage the wires. It’s fine for a kitchen or dining room but especially effective in a hallway, where a soft white glow helps the whole house feel welcoming. It’s also dimmable—great for a light you may want to leave on at night.” —JOEY CORONA

NO-BUGZONE BULB Philips Hue 65W BR30 connected bulb, $62; amazon.com

Bulbrite 776609 7W LED bulb, $13; commercialbulbs.com

“If you want to give an open fixture a vintage vibe, this fully dimmable bulb looks quite authentic. It has LED strips arranged to resemble the thin, glowing filament of an Edison-style bulb— and the amber-tinted globe design gives it that old-fashioned look.” —TERRY McGOWAN,

director of engineering at the American Lighting Association

BRIGHT IDEAS

Find more useful tips from a home-lighting expert at realsimple.com/lightingpro.

PA RT Y BULB

GE C sleepsmart bulb, $20; lowes.com

QUICKIE COST CUTTER

Replace the incandescent bulbs in the five mostoften-used fixtures in your home with Energy Star– rated bulbs and you’ll save about $75 in energy costs each year, according to the EPA.

FEBRUARY 2017

“Research from sleep studies led our team to create this smartphone app–controlled bulb. For night, it can provide warm, calm light that doesn’t interfere with your body’s production of melatonin [a natural sleep hormone]. In the morning, it can give off a cool, vibrant light, reducing your body’s production of melatonin and helping you get ready for your day.” —CARMEN PASTORE

REALSIMPLE.COM

Philips 60Wequivalent yellow LED bug-light bulb, $6; homedepot.com “On a covered porch that you want to keep insect-free, try a yellow ‘bug light’ like this. The yellow coating makes it difficult for most flying insects to see, so they are not drawn to the fixure as they are to white bulbs.” —JOEY CORONA

“If you love to entertain, this bulb is a fun way to give your living room a more special feel. You can use your smartphone to change the light to any of the ROYGBIV hues and tons of variations along the way. You’ll also be able to set up a lighting scheme in advance or sync color changes to music. Of course, when you’re not in party mode, this multitasker can behave like an ordinary bulb. It’s pricey, but it has a 25,000-hour lifetime, depending on use—over a dozen years if you use it five hours a day.” —TODD MANEGOLD,

connected homebusiness lead at Philips Lighting North America

T H E R E A L I ST home

H A L LWAY

K I TC H E N S K I L L S

Things cooks know Strategies, techniques, and tips—from the Real Simple test kitchen to yours

H O W TO P R E P

L E M O N G R A SS

T H E R E A L I ST food

Lemongrass adds a unique citrusy-floral flavor to soups, stir-fries, and even beverages. If you’ve never cooked with it before, here’s how to get started. Trust us—it’s easy.

WHAT IS HOMINY?

STEP 1

Trim off the dry end and the skinny, papery tops. STEP 2

Make a slit down the length of the stalk with your chef’s knife. STEP 3

Peel off the tough layers, as you would peel a scallion, to get to the pale, compact inner core.

E V E R H E A R D O F. . . ?

Aquaponics Today most of the tilapia you buy is farm raised. That’s efficient, yes, but it’s not always good for the environment, as these farms can introduce contaminants to local waters. Enter aquaponics. This sustainable technique involves growing plants and raising fish at the same time. Fish waste is recycled into fertilizer for the plants, which then filter the water the fish live in. Plant trimmings create food for worms; the worms are food for the fish, completing the cycle.

STEP 4

Using a rolling pin or meat mallet, whack down the core to bruise it. This releases the oils in the stalk that provide the lemongrass flavor. If you’re making soup, you can add the whole bruised stalk; finely chop it for a stir-fry.

These chewy nuggets are the star ingredient in the hearty Mexican soup pozole (see page 139). With a flavor similar to that of tangy corn, the swollen white kernels are made by soaking corn in a solution of water and powdered lime (an alkaline mineral); this removes their hull and germ. Look for canned hominy near the canned beans at your supermarket. But if you’re lucky enough to find dried hominy, go ahead and prepare it as you would dried beans.

QUICK HACK

You can grate peeled, frozen lemongrass stalks on a box grater instead of finely chopping them.

Written by Heath Goldman Illustrations by Kendyll Hillegas

FEBRUARY 2017

REALSIMPLE.COM

ROA D T E ST

ROOT TOUCH-UPS

realsimple

ROAD TEST

The best fixes for pesky regrowth, no matter what delivery system you favor

4 BEST FOR BLONDES

Everpro Back2Blonde Dark regrowth on blondes can look ashy or gray when covered up. This spray keeps the tone bright. “My roots start to show after just a week. This buys me a week or two before my next appointment,” raved one tester. TO BUY: $13; cvs.com.

L’Oréal Paris Root Cover Up This quick-drying spray is highly pigmented, so you can hide grays in one shot. The pointed nozzle offers a precise application, and the sweatproof formula lasts until your next shampoo. In six shades. TO BUY: $11; at drugstores.

5 BEST CRAYON

2 BEST POWDER

Color Wow Root Cover Up Available in seven subtly shimmery hues to mimic hair’s shine, this compact is makeup for your hair. The dual-tip brush makes it easy to hit large or small sections, and the bristles are densely packed, so the powder won’t fall onto your forehead. “I love that there’s no dry time,” said a tester. TO BUY: $35; colorwowhair.com.

6 BEST MARKER

TouchBack Marker This combines the strong color of a liquid with the precision of a pen. Simply color grays for a naturally shiny finish (as in, not that matte shoe-polish look) and use the comb to distribute and blend. Said one tester, “The wide tip lets you cover your whole part in just a few passes.” TO BUY: $25; touchbackgray.com.

3 BEST LONG-TERM FIX

dpHUE Root Touch-Up Kit Too busy for the salon? Extend the life of your dye job at home with this permanent hair color kit. It contains everything you need for two applications and takes less than an hour. Choose between eight neutral shades that won’t fade. TO BUY: $30; ulta.com.

Rita Hazan Root Concealer Touch-Up Stick Stash this crayon in your bag for rogue grays you notice on the go (say, under the brutal fluorescent lights of the office bathroom). The waxy pigment is ideal for detailing the hairline and even works well on brows. TO BUY: $25; ritahazan.com.

Written by Chelsea Traber Burns Photograph by Yunhee Kim

FEBRUARY 2017

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P R O P S T Y L I N G BY J U L I E F LY N N FO R H A L L E Y R E S O U R C E S I N C .

T H E R E A L I ST beauty

1 BEST SPRAY

T H E R E A L I ST

Now what?!? Smart solutions for life’s little disasters The tub drain seems like it’s always clogged.

Icicles are covering my entryway.

M. V., via e-mail

Minimize clogs by brushing your hair before you shower. The best way to get out all the loose or dead strands (to keep them from landing in the drain), says Francesca Fusco, a dermatologist in New York City, is to flip your head down and brush from the nape of the neck, then brush the sides, then the front. Liquid body wash can cause a sticky buildup in the drain, trapping hair, so try switching to a foam or bar soap, which will go down pipes more easily. And get a drain screen (like Oxo Good Grips silicone drain protector, $9; amazon.com). It’s your best defense against clogs, says Cedric Waller, a plumber at the Waterworks in Columbus, Ohio. The screen fits over the drain (or inside it) and keeps hair and other debris from slipping inside.

S.F., via e-mail

THE FIX:

Written by Brandi Broxson Illustration by Robert Samuel Hanson

FEBRUARY 2017

My eye keeps twitching. K.G., via e-mail

THE FIX: Take a rest with your eyes closed, says Dave Patel, assistant professor of ophthalmology at Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Hold a cold compress over your eye, then apply drops (such as TheraTears, $8; target.com). Rudrani Banik, associate professor of ophthalmology at New York Eye and Ear Infirmary of Mount Sinai in New York City, recommends refrigerating the drops for better results. Eyes twitch when you’re stressed, tired, or overcaffeinated. If you’re at a computer screen all day, frequent breaks help.

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THE FIX: If the icicles are less than a foot long and an inch wide, they can be removed with a telescoping roof rake (like Snow Joe rake, $30; amazon .com), says Don Mandeville, a Home Depot district manager in Flint, Michigan. (Call a contractor for help with larger ones, to prevent roof damage.) Wear safety goggles and gloves (icicles can hurt), extend the rake from a distance, and gently push the base of the icicles to free them. Then drop some ice-melting tablets (such as Roofmelt, $19; amazon.com) into the gutter to liquefy ice in there.

HAVE A DISASTER

that needs solving? E-mail your problem to askreal simple@realsimple.com.

ActiClean™ Self-Cleaning Toilet

You may not be ready for unexpected visitors. But your toilet will be. Introducing the ActiClean™ self-cleaning toilet. In a world full of surprises, it’s nice to know you can always count on a sanitized, deep-scoured toilet. With a simple push of a button, the new ActiClean™ toilet takes one of the most dreaded jobs on your to-do list and scrubs it right off. The best part? It’s more affordable than you think. See how it works at americanstandard.com

Cleaning cycle control panel is discreetly located on the toilet tank lid. Just ﬂip up the panel cover to use.

T H E R E A L I ST beauty

RAISE YOUR HANDS Need a rejuvenation plan for hardworking hands? We’ve got eight secrets to make yours smoother and youngerlooking. (Wave if that makes you happy!) Written by Colleen Sullivan

FEBRUARY 2017

Photographs by Danny Kim

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Our newest silky smooth colors won’t crease or fade. Now, all-day wear goes ultra-rich.

NEW

EXPERTWEAR

EYESHADOW

Introducing 20 rich shades & 4 expert ﬁnishes in matte, satin, shimmer & iridescent.

A little richness? It goes a long way.

T H E R E A L I ST beauty

most

Smooth away lines Hands are in constant use. “With all that stretching comes a loss of firmness, which can result in wrinkling,” says Neal Schultz, a dermatologist in New York City.

women are on top of their game when it comes to taking care of their face; but when it comes to hands? Not so much. Yet damaging UV rays, harsh soaps, and exposure to chemicals (when you clean your house or paint your nails) can make the skin on your hands age—fast! If you’re dealing with dry skin, sunspots, wrinkles, or nail challenges (and who isn’t?), it’s time to take action. Here, skin experts share their best at-home tricks—and explain the options for in-office treatments.

RESCUE R AG G E D CUTICLES If you pick your cuticles when you’re nervous, trim them (you shouldn’t) when doing a mani, or have never even thought about moisturizing them, chances are you experience frequent (ouch!) hangnails.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T CLIP YOUR CUTICLES: THEY PROTECT THE TISSUE UNDER THE NAIL, WHICH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PRODUCING CELLS THAT FORM THE NAIL.

WHAT TO DO: “Switch to a hand cream with hyaluronic acid,” says Schultz. “It will temporarily increase skin volume from moisture, which fills in wrinkles.” Try Filorga

WHAT TO DO: It’s tempting to rip a hangnail off, but don’t. Instead, snip it with nail scissors. “The results of ripping—a sore finger and an open wound that could end in a bacterial or fungal infection—aren’t worth it,” says Dendy Engelman, a dermatologist in New York City. If you don’t have scissors, coat the hangnail in Vaseline and cover it with a bandage until you do. Prevent hangnails by applying an oil, like Essie Apricot Cuticle Oil ($9; essie .com), or an ointment with petroleum jelly, like Aquaphor ($8; at drugstores), nightly.

FEBRUARY 2017

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Hand-Absolute Rejuvenating Hand & Nail Cream ($29; nordstrom .com). Helpful for longterm results: exfoliants, including glycolic acids and retinoids, in products such as Vichy LiftActiv Retinol HA ($48; vichyusa.com). “They reduce wrinkles by signaling the skin to make more collagen and increase thickness in its top layer,” says Schultz. NEXT LEVEL: If hand crinkles drive you bonkers and you have the cash, ask your doctor about hyaluronic acid fillers to plump the skin (such as Restylane and Juvéderm, $1,500 to $2,500 per treatment). Or consider lasers, like the Erbium ($2,500 per treatment) or Fraxel ($1,500 per treatment), which prompt the body to make more skin-plumping collagen.

Repair dry, cracked skin “Soap may make your hands squeakyclean, but too much of it can compromise the proteins and lipids in the skin that prevent hands from dehydrating,” says New York City–based dermatologist Vermen Verallo-Rowell. WHAT TO DO: Skip antibacterial soaps, which have not been shown to work better than plain soap and water, and wash with a gentle cleanser that contains an occlusive like shea butter or petroleum jelly, lipid-replacing ceramides, or hyaluronic acid or glycerin. Try Softsoap Hand Wash Plus Lotion in Shea & Cocoa Butter ($3; at drugstores). “I use coconut oil,” says Verallo-Rowell. “I warm it between my hands before rinsing.” Follow up with a moisturizer that has the same ingredients found in your hand cleanser, like CeraVe Therapeutic Hand Cream ($11; cvs.com).

precise 0.4 mm tip

Laser-sharp precision. For the most defined line.

LIQUID LINER Precise 0.4 mm tip + Fluid Ink Formula for a perfect line. All-day wear. Waterproof.

Fade age spots The skin on your hands is often exposed to UV rays. Spots happen.

Strengthen brittle nails Your nails become more prone to peeling and breaking as you age because your body produces less moisture.

T H E R E A L I ST beauty

WHAT TO DO: Boost nail growth, since

a fresher nail equals a stronger one. Dermatologist Elizabeth Tanzi, based in Washington, D.C., recommends taking three milligrams of biotin a day. “It won’t increase the quality of the nail, but it will speed up growth,” she says. Besides keeping nails short to minimize damage, take a break from using drying polish removers: “It’s important to keep the cuticle area moisturized so the nail matrix can continue to deliver blood and nutrients, resulting in a faster-growing nail that’s less brittle,” says Tanzi. One of Engelman’s favorite solutions for brittle nails is Nail Tek II ($6; target.com). “Apply it twice a day—the proteins seal the brittle nail layers together,” she says. NEXT LEVEL: Brittle nails could also signal a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. See your doctor if there’s no improvement in three to six months, says Tanzi.

WHAT TO DO: To prevent

future damage, smooth on a dime-size drop of lotion with SPF, or spritz hands with a quick-drying SPF spray, every day before heading outside. For special occasions, try a tinted SPF powder to hide imperfections and protect. Treat existing spots with a lightening cream that has 2 percent hydroquinone or natural brighteners like vitamin C. Try Juice Beauty Green Apple Age Defy Hand

T R E AT H A N D C A L LU S E S You’ve been working hard at the gym or out shoveling snow, and you’ve got hard yellow patches on your palms. “Anytime there’s consistent friction in one area of the hand, the skin reacts by getting thicker,” says Mona Gohara, a dermatologist based in Danbury, Connecticut. WHAT TO DO: Reduce calluses by soaking hands in warm water. Then exfoliate the area with a pumice stone or a paste (see right). You can also apply a moisturizer with urea, a humectant that will break down and soften the callus. Try Excipial 20% Urea Intensive Healing Cream ($12; cvs.com). The only way to truly protect hands, though, is with gloves.

RUB ON A PASTE OF WARM WATER AND SUGAR TO HELP REDUCE CALLUSES, SAYS GOHARA,

TRY SUPERGOOP SUNSCREEN MIST, $13; SEPHORA.COM.

Cream ($12; juicebeauty .com). “Follow with a nightly glycolic exfoliant,” says Joshua Zeichner, a dermatologist in New York City. NEXT LEVEL: Still seeing spots? Ask your doctor about a prescriptionstrength retinoid, like Retin-A. The Yag in-office laser treatment ($250 to $500 per session) works for flat brown spots with clear borders, says Zeichner. For lots of brown or red spots, an Intense Pulsed Light ($400 to $600 per treatment) is a good bet. Or there’s the Fraxel laser ($1,200 to $1,500 per treatment), best for both sunspots and crepey skin.

Minimize veins As we get older, we lose fat in our hands, making veins more noticeable. Exacerbating the problem is sun exposure, which “breaks down collagen and elastin in our hands,” explains Engelman. WHAT TO DO: You can hide the appearance of veins with a heavyduty concealer, like Dermablend Leg and Body Cover ($31; dermablend.com). To stimulate collagen production so skin is less translucent, use a glycolic or retinol cream, such as Hand MD Restorative Duo ($35; buyhandmd.com).

NEXT LEVEL: Apply a prescription-strength topical, like Retin-A (which will also improve skin tone and texture). Talk to your dermatologist about hyaluronic acid fillers (like Restylane and Juvéderm, $750 to $1,000 per treatment), which thicken skin by creating new collagen fibers, and Radiesse ($900 to $1,500 per treatment), a calciumbased filler.

FEBRUARY 2017

P R E V E N T S W E AT Y PA L M S There’s often no known cause for palmar hyperhidrosis, a skin condition in which the sweat glands on your palms excrete extra moisture. WHAT TO DO: “If you apply an aluminum-based antiperspirant to dry palms at night, that will plug your hands’ sweat glands, preventing wetness from reaching the skin’s surface for the day,” says Zeichner. Start with an over-thecounter option, such as Certain Dri ($7; target.com). NEXT LEVEL: Consider asking your doctor for a prescription-based antiperspirant, such as Drysol or Hypercare. Finally, there’s Botox, which prevents nerve signals from reaching the sweat gland. It’s fairly painful and requires 20 to 30 injections in the palms and fingertips, and it needs to be repeated every three to six months (each treatment costs $1,500). “You can experience some muscle weakness, so it’s not a great option for people who use their hands for a living,” notes Rachel Nazarian, a dermatologist based in New York City.

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Inside every cat lives the spirit of the wild. And a love for meat.

BLUE Wilderness is made with more of the chicken, duck or salmon cats love. All cats are descendants of the lynx, which means they share many similar traits – including a love for meat. That’s why we created BLUE Wilderness.®

Made with the finest natural ingredients, BLUE Wilderness is formulated with a higher concentration of the chicken, duck or salmon cats love. And BLUE Wilderness has none of the grains that contain gluten. If you want your cat to enjoy a meat-rich diet like her ancestors once did, there’s nothing better than BLUE Wilderness.

WildernessCatFood.com

Love them like family. Feed them like family.®

Drugstore cheat sheet The best beauty products in the aisles, handpicked by a pro

T H I S M O N T H’S EXPERT

MAKEUP ARTIST MONIK A B LU N D E R 1

Blunder, born in Austria and now based in Los Angeles, is a celebrity makeup artist whose client list includes Jessica Alba, Amanda Seyfried, and Emilia Clarke. Blunder also shares smart, cheery makeup tutorials and product picks on her eponymous YouTube channel.

“Apply it all over for a warm glow or as a highlighter on the tops of cheeks. I like to use a stippling brush to ensure I don’t overdo it.” TO BUY: $10; milani cosmetics.com.

4 NO7 STAY PERFECT FOUNDATION

“This gives light coverage—just enough to conceal redness and even out skin tone. Using a foundation brush, blend out from the center for a natural finish.” TO BUY: $16; target.com.

Photograph by

James Wojcik 4

5 MAYBELLINE MASTER PRECISE INK PEN LINER

2 OLAY MAKEUP REMOVER WET CLOTHS

“These remove all traces of makeup— even waterproof mascara—without irritation.” TO BUY: $6; olay.com. 6

3 REVLON BALM STAIN 5

FEBRUARY 2017

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“I always use this when a model or an actress needs a natural look. It’s just enough color, and it’s super hydrating.” TO BUY: $9; ulta.com.

“The superfine tip allows total control and makes applying liquid liner easy. Nestle the point at the lash line and use small strokes, working your way outward.” TO BUY: $7; at drugstores. 6 COVERGIRL LASHBLAST VOLUME MASCARA

“A staple in my kit, this plumps up even the tiniest lashes in just two coats. For serious drama, wiggle the wand at the base of your lashes before combing through.” TO BUY: $9; at drugstores.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY L I N D E N E L S T R A N

T H E R E A L I ST beauty

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T H E R E A L I ST fashion

Not just a pretty detail, the scalloped edge on this bra gives it a seamless finish—and a smooth line under any top. TO BUY: Allegra bra, $74; journelle.com.

Written by

Rebecca Daly Photographs by

Yunhee Kim

FEBRUARY 2017

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1 Stretchy lace moves with you for the ultimate comfort and fit. TO BUY: Zelia bra, $65; eberjey.com.

Quick-Fit Bra Basics TIP 1: The band should be parallel with the floor (or dip a bit). If it arcs up in back, it’s probably too big. TIP 2: Underwires shouldn’t be uncomfortable (really!). If they pinch or don’t sit flush against your body, try going up a cup size. TIP 3: Straps should stay put but shouldn’t dig in. If they’re slipping or hurting your shoulders, adjust the length. If that doesn’t help, you may be wearing the wrong band size.

2 The straps on this very affordable option convert six different ways, for nearly any neckline. TO BUY:

Second Take multiway bra, $16; yandy.com.

T H E R E A L I ST fashion

3 Genius! Thirdlove offers bras in traditional and half-letter sizes, like 32B½. TO BUY: 24/7 Lace Balconette, $76; thirdlove.com. 2

THE ST YLE

Demi cup Cut low, demi styles are inherently sexy and create a natural, smooth shape that works well with tees and lower necklines.

FEBRUARY 2017

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THE ST YLE

Bralette Free of padding and underwires, bralettes offer light support that’s perfect for lounging—no matter your cup size.

1 Seaming and a wide band provide structure and support for bigger busts. TO BUY: Else long-line bralette, $110; shopbop.com.

A J-hook easily converts this style from straight to racerback. TO BUY: Wilfred Renfrew bralette, $32; aritzia.com.

3 A padded hookand-eye closure at the back won’t pinch or itch. TO BUY: Unveiled by Felina Ominia bralette, $58; bloomingdales .com.

4 Soft microfiber cups give coverage and feel silky against the skin. TO BUY:

Cheyenne bralette, $105; cosabella.com.

FEBRUARY 2017

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T H E R E A L I ST fashion

THE ST YLE

Full coverage With the best support for larger cup sizes, these picks give you that secure feeling, with a smooth, contoured shape.

T H E R E A L I ST fashion

This lightly embellished style (don’t worry—the texture won’t show through) goes up to size 36H. TO BUY:

1 It’s not easy to find full coverage for smaller cup sizes, but this gorgeous bra delivers. TO BUY:

Catherine bra, $66; thelittlebra company.com. 4

2 Back-smoothing technology creates a flawless fit, 360 degrees. TO BUY: Vanishing Back bra, $52; soma.com.

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See the bra tips and tricks wardrobe pros swear by— from sizing to storage— at realsimple.com/bratips.

FEBRUARY 2017

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La Femme Contour bra, $60; wacoalamerica.com.

4 A pretty print and light padding prove there’s no need to sacrifice sexiness for support. TO BUY: Dream Angels bra, $59; victorias secret.com.

THE ST YLE

Strapless

Built with flexible stays in each cup for lift that won’t quit.

Engineered to provide structure and support via the band and cups, these options won’t slip or pinch—or keep you from taking a full breath.

TO BUY:

Marquise strapless basque, $80; vabien lingerie.com.

The Quest for a Stay-Put Strapless TIP 1: A snug band is what keeps your bra in place, so have a professional fit you for strapless styles (most lingerie stores offer this service gratis!). TIP 2: Scoop breast tissue into the cups to ensure a proper fit with no bulge or spillage at the back or sides. TIP 3: Good-quality bras can last for years with proper care—like handwashing with a gentle detergent—so invest in this piece. And since most strapless options come with removable straps, you’re really getting multiple options for the price of one.

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C O N T R I B U T I N G E X P E R T: J E N N Y A LT M A N

T H E R E A L I ST fashion

Sensitive skin? This style is made without silicone (which is in many strapless fabrics), so it’s less likely to cause irritation. TO BUY: Vous et Moi multiway strapless, $78; us.chantelle.com.

This comfortable bandeau is wire- and claspfree. Just slip it over your head. TO BUY: Peyton strapless, $38; yummielife.com.

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Lapis blue Inspired by the semiprecious stone, this trend is the perfect antidote to dreary winter days (and looks oh so poppy against freshly fallen snow).

1 1 FRINGED WRAP

Tassels add a touch of whimsy to this cashmere serape. $248; jmclaughlin.com. 2 SLEEVELESS SWEATER

A mock-neck top is great for layering—this one will light up your wardrobe well into spring. $70; talbots.com. Pair this piece with everything from a plain white tee to a dressy silk top. $70; anntaylor.com.

4 BLUE SUEDE SHOES

Great with jeans now; add to a poplin dress for a relaxed, pulled-together look come warmer weather. $70; carlosshoes.com.

5 CROCHET DRESS

This figure-flattering frock works year-round—layer it with a blazer while temps are low; for summer weddings, try metallic sandals. Kobi Halperin, $598; neimanmarcus.com.

6 COCKTAIL RING

Made of actual lapis (a gold-flecked variety), this beautiful bauble elevates even the most basic outfit. $225; pippasmall.com. 7 BUCKET BAG

Swap out your black bag for a purse with punch that fits all your essentials (including your iPad). Sondra Roberts, $85; irresistibles.com.

Written by FEELING BLUE?

Rebecca Daly

Head over to realsimple.com/ lapis for even more pretty picks (all under $100!).

Photographs by

Philip Friedman

FEBRUARY 2017

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Relating 5 things to say when you have no words When someone you love suffers a painful loss, it’s hard to know what to do. These deep thinkers offer sage suggestions.

1 N OA H GA L LO WAY, VETER AN AND M OT I VAT I O N A L SPEAKER

Say nothing at all. A good friend of mine recently lost his mother. Everybody was reaching out to him, concerned. I texted him, “If you just want to hang out and not talk, I’m here.” He took me up on it. He came over, and we ended up talking about college football, life, our kids—everything but his loss. At times we just sat there and didn’t say a word; guys have that ability. Guys could learn from women about opening up and sharing feelings, but there’s a happy medium. Sometimes we need a moment that feels normal and reminds us that there are still things in life that have always made us happy, like time with friends. Noah Galloway lost two limbs as a soldier in the U.S. Army. He is the author of Living with No Excuses: The Remarkable Rebirth of an American Soldier. He lives in Alabaster, Alabama.

Written by Rebecca Webber Illustration by Ben Wiseman

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2 RO B E RT Z U C K E R , G R I E F C O U N S E LO R

R E L AT I N G

Fall back on a heartfelt cliché. So many of my grieving clients say people avoid them or don’t step up the way they expected. It’s common to become frozen, paralyzed with fear, worried you will say the wrong thing. Don’t be afraid of speaking in clichés. People aren’t counting on you to provide the brilliant gem that will ﬁx things. Your presence and your caring are what they appreciate. You can just say, “I’m so sorry,” or “I’m thinking of you.” Early in my career, I was working in a hospital, and I remember going to my ﬁrst funeral for a child. I just looked into the eyes of the parents and said, “I’m so sorry,” as we all teared up. I was with them, expressing my sorrow. I wasn’t presuming to have their sorrow. I had my own sorrow. To me, that’s the essence of what this is about—being present, witnessing, caring, and not running away from people when they’re hurting. Robert Zucker is the author of The Journey Through Grief and Loss. He lives in Holyoke, Massachusetts.

L AU R I E RU E T T I M A N N , H U M A N R E S O U RC E S S P EC I A L I ST

Acknowledge specific pain.

I used to work in human resources at a large corporation. My primary job was to lay people off. During that time, my husband was laid off. One thing that really struck me, from seeing both sides, was the shame people felt even when they were let go solely because of the company’s financial situation. While we should be wary of playing counselor or psychologist, I think it’s good to acknowledge that your loved one might feel embarrassed if he’s lost a job and to remind him that he has nothing to be ashamed of. By attacking the shame head-on, you can take away its power and prevent it from lurking over everything. Laurie Ruettimann is an HR consultant in Raleigh, North Carolina.

4 D O N S C H U M AC H E R , P SYC H O LO G I ST

Open the door to conversation. One of the big fears people have when they lose someone is that, some way or another, their loved one will be forgotten— that if they don’t keep the conversation going, the person will disappear. Give people the option to continue talking. I would ask about the person’s treatment. They usually get right to the point: “I was so worried about him being uncomfortable.” And as time passes, it’s good to keep the dialogue going. What I usually do is wait two or three weeks, then get back in touch. I ask, “How has it been going? If you want to talk, just let me know.” Don Schumacher, PsyD, is president and CEO of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. He lives in Alexandria, Virginia.

Say (or text), “Dinner is on your doorstep.” I’m a raging introvert, so when I’m in pain, the last thing I want is to sit there and chat. When my marriage fell apart, my best friend texted me and said, “There’s Chipotle and a milkshake on your doorstep.” I was like, “Hell, yes.” I didn’t have to see her, I didn’t have to take a shower. All I had to do was open the door and stuff my face with her love. Another friend came over and did my laundry and didn’t make me talk to her. These were lovely gestures because my friends weren’t trying to make themselves feel better by seeing me. They were completely and totally unselfish. They took a minute to think, “What would actually make Glennon feel most loved?” They didn’t do it their way— they did it my way. It was a one-sided love offering. Glennon Doyle Melton is the author of Love Warrior and the founder of Momastery .com and Together Rising. She lives in Naples, Florida.

FEELING TONGUE-TIED?

Visit realsimple.com/ whatnottosay for more tough conversation do’s and don’ts.

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The vets will see you now LE T THE FUR FLY! ANSWER S TO YOUR HAIRIE ST PE T QUE STIONS

Q. Life in the slow lane

We have a new turtle. How should we set up the tank? A. Most pet turtles need at least a 50-gallon tank—about the size of two three-drawer filing cabinets. “They should be able to swim four body lengths before having to turn around,” says veterinarian Aundria del Pino, who specializes in exotic pets. Use over-the-tank UV lighting to keep the water warm—72 to 82 degrees—and mimic a reptile’s sunny habitat. Include a basking area (a rock or piece of nontoxic wood with an overhead 250-watt infrared bulb). You can buy pieces individually or as a set; try All Living Things Aquatic Turtle Equipment Kit ($70; petsmart.com). For food (feed it two to four times a week), vets suggest variety: dark greens, veggies, mealworms, and dry food, like Tetra’s ReptoMin floating food sticks ($7.50; amazon.com).

THE PET EXPERTS AUNDRIA DEL PINO, DVM,

Marathon Veterinary Hospital, Marathon, Florida MARY GARDNER, DVM,

Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice, Los Angeles ANN HOHENHAUS, DVM,

Animal Medical Center, New York City GAYLE O’KONSKI, DVM,

Q. Food for thought When should I switch my 7-year-old chocolate Lab to senior food? J.B., via Facebook

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A. Right now. Generally, this switch should take place halfway through a pup’s life span (between 5 and 10 years old, depending on the breed). Why? “Older dogs don’t metabolize at the same rate as younger ones, so they need food higher in fiber and lower in calories and fat,” says veterinarian Gayle O’Konski. “It’s easier for them to digest and less likely to cause weight

FEBRUARY 2017

gain.” Choose a formula with fewer than 400 calories per cup, plus added omega-3s (which help keep a dog’s mind sharp) and glucosamine and chondroitin (they strengthen joints). O’Konski’s pick: Iams Proactive Health Senior Plus ($15 for 12½ pounds; amazon.com). Phase in the new food over the course of two weeks, mixing it with the familiar food and gradually changing the ratio. Even if your dog is not yet at midlife, consult your vet if you see significant weight gain—it may be a sign to switch sooner.

Written by

Sarah Grossbart

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Morris Animal Hospital, Granger, Indiana

Q. Cat fight My husband and I disagree on whether our new kitten should be indoor-only or allowed outside. How do we decide? C. T., via Facebook

A. Some pet owners feel strongly about giving a cat room to run. But most vets advise against letting cats out, because of the inherent risks: predators like coyotes and foxes, dangers such as cars, and the chance of picking up fleas or parasites (or even leukemia or AIDS) from a stray, says veterinarian Ann Hohenhaus. Your best bet is letting your indoor cat spend time in a screened-in porch (if you have one) or an enclosed backyard dwelling, like the Deck and Patio ($140; kittywalksystems.com). If you’re set on letting your kitty roam, “make sure it’s up-to-date on vaccines and is taking flea, tick, and heartworm medication,” says veterinarian Mary Gardner. “For peace of mind, it’s worth the $40 fee to have it fitted with a microchip.”

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R E L AT I N G

Good Read

MAGNUM PHOTOS

The kitchen next door It was just a few steps away, but in many aspects the neighbors’ house was a world apart. Daphne Merkin remembers.

FEBRUARY 2017

I GREW UP in a large and fractious family, where no one quite got along with anyone else (at least, not for very long) but where the motto all the same was “Family above all.” Given that my family was Orthodox Jewish, we didn’t so much talk about the ethos of family as the sovereignty of mishpocha, which is Yiddish (or Hebrew, depending

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Photograph by

Alessandra Sanguinetti

upon how one pronounces it) for “an extended tribe of blood relatives.” Our tribe was more impregnable than most, in part because both my parents had escaped Hitler’s Germany with their families in the 1930s and were especially leery of outsiders. They had survived by pulling inward,

R E L AT I N G good read

I was a 10-year-old looking to expand my horizons, and Dolores was a mother and housewife who responded positively to my mix of outgoingness and loneliness.

sticking together in the face of a virulent enemy, and tended to regard people beyond their immediate circle as suspect until proven otherwise. Another factor that fueled their guarded approach to the world was that our immediate family, by sheer virtue of its size, constituted a group sufficient unto itself. There were six of us kids, three girls and three boys, plus two adults: Why would we need to cultivate friends to swell our ranks? Even though I was a frightened and dutiful child, I early on realized that the way out for me was through the door of friendship—looking to outsiders for nurturance and intimacy. This took some resolve on my part, since my mother’s message about seeking out friends was inevitably a derogatory one (“You and your friends,” she’d say to me, as if she were remarking upon a bad habit, “you don’t need so many friends”) and neither of my older sisters seemed inclined to develop the kind of close extrafamilial relationships I went looking for. I began by chatting up the Italian neighbors who lived next door to us during the summer months at our house in Atlantic Beach on Long Island. My family’s insular policy of mishpocha and more mishpocha was particularly pronounced during summer, when my mother regularly ﬁlled up the house with a gaggle of relatives from Israel who mostly talked in a language I couldn’t follow. I already felt cut off from school chums and restless in the company of my siblings. So it was that one hot afternoon I began talking to Dolores Buzzelli, who was weeding the well-kept ﬂower garden that bloomed in the space between our houses. I was a 10-year-old looking to expand my horizons, and Dolores was a mother and housewife who responded positively to my mix of outgoingness and loneliness—or perhaps to the fact that I was the only occupant of the big house next door to step out and make contact. Dolores’s husband, Bob, was an airline pilot, which detail I found fascinating in contrast to my father’s amorphous businessman affairs, and there were two good-looking children, a boy and a girl. Within days I was over at the Buzzellis’ more often than not, marveling at the way things were done in their neat, contained house. I was especially taken with the pride of place given to the dinners Dolores whipped up every

FEBRUARY 2017

night in her pretty blue-tiled kitchen, meals that usually included pasta made authentically al dente. Everything revolved around the act of cooking, with Dolores standing at the stove, striking up conversation with Bob and her children as they drifted in and out of the room. I especially loved watching Dolores make meatballs and spaghetti or her zestfully seasoned Bolognese sauce, ﬂavored with herbs she grew in little pots on her windowsill. I think it was particularly fascinating to me because my own mother never cooked—all our dinners were made by Iva, our cook—and as a result there was no sense of occasion around the preparation of meals. They were done under the radar, although I liked to perch near Iva and watch as often as I could. I didn’t know any other families who had a cook, and although it might have looked like a luxury, I yearned for a mother who made meals instead of simply writing up menus for someone else to execute. It seemed like the normal, nurturing, motherly thing to do and made me feel like there was yet something else wrong with my family that set us apart from others. I spent hours observing Dolores, watching her as closely as if I were preparing to become an Italian chef myself (I loved the smell of roasting garlic but rarely got to savor it at our house, because my father didn’t like it). I would stay around to help her set the table with a brightly checked cloth and ceramic dishes while chatting about people in the neighborhood. But there my participation ended. You see, I couldn’t actually partake of the Buzzellis’ dinners, because my family kept kosher and, tempted as I was, I didn’t dare go against the many injunctions that I had been raised with. And then one day, inspiration struck. What if I could get Dolores to cook her wondrous meatballs and spaghetti for my family, providing her with pots and pans from our kitchen (kosher law dictates separate cookware for meat and dairy) as well as all the ingredients? First, I asked Dolores whether she would be willing to

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A NEW ERA BEGINS

SUN JAN 15 9/8c

pbs.org/victoria #VictoriaPBS

try such an experiment if I could get my mother to agree to it. Amused—or perhaps touched—by my passion, she signed on. I then presented the plan to my mother. She was in the habit of opposing most things I expressed a desire for and was fairly vigilant about our religious observances. I thought she would be against the idea on the grounds of its possibly messing up the ornate laws of kashruth. But something in her must have responded to the lengths I had gone to—and perhaps she herself had had her appetite whetted. She was amenable. A few days later I brought everything that was needed next door, and Dolores set herself to making a dish that she was inﬁnitely familiar with but that I knew would taste revelatory to me and my family. Sure enough, Dolores’s meatballs and sauce were highly ﬂavored in a way Iva’s food wasn’t, and my family—including my father, who seemed to have momentarily forgotten his aversion to garlic—devoured every last speck. Although everyone in the family appeared to like it, no one seemed particularly curious about the meal or the Buzzellis in general. In some immediate, culinary sense,

In some immediate, culinary sense, the experiment was a resounding success, but in another, larger sense, I felt like a solitary voyager between two planets, that of my Orthodox Jewish family and that of the Italian Catholic one next door.

the experiment was a resounding success, but in another, larger sense, I felt like a solitary voyager between two planets, that of my Orthodox Jewish family and that of the Italian Catholic one next door. The decades have passed, and both my family and the Buzzellis are long gone from that leafy block in Atlantic Beach. I, meanwhile, continue to cultivate friendships, both old and new, never having forgotten how good it felt to forge a sustaining connection with our neighbors that summer in the mid-1960s—how it helped open up the world to me. Although my parents have died, I maintain close links to some of my siblings and remain in touch with all of them. But somewhere along the way, I translated my mother’s notion of mishpocha into a more extended concept than she intended, with results that have enlarged my circle and enriched my heart— allowing me to step into other people’s lives the way I stepped into the Buzzellis’ blue-tiled kitchen long ago. Q

About the author Daphne Merkin is a novelist and cultural critic. Her essays have been published in two collections, Dreaming of Hitler and The Fame Lunches. Her latest book, This Close to Happy: A Reckoning with Depression, is out from Farrar, Straus and Giroux this month.

FEBRUARY 2017

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Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE

At a child’s birthday party I went to recently, there were preprinted thank-you notes in each goody bag. I always thought thank-you notes should include a nice mention of the gift, which obviously isn’t possible with a generic card. My own child’s party is coming up, and I’m tempted to take the easy route with the preprinted cards, but is it proper? C.L.

Generic, preprinted thank-you notes are not proper from an etiquette standpoint. And from a gratitudebuilding one, they’re not right either. I say this as a person who has shepherded my children through the writing of hundreds of thank-you notes during their gift-getting lives. In other words, I understand that you’d rather be getting a root canal than trying to extract gratitude (18 times over) from your son. But it’s important. A thank-you note says, “I’m grateful for the time you took to come to my party and for the care you took in selecting this gift for me.” These are sentiments that cannot be meaningfully expressed in advance. Nor will your child reap the rewards that way—and, according to psychologists, the benefits of gratitude are numerous, including better social skills, a higher degree of empathy, and even greater life satisfaction overall. Make it more fun, if you can. Provide cute stationery and good snacks. Or make it less onerous—for example, if the writing itself is too great a burden for a young child,

FEBRUARY 2017

then let him dictate his thoughts to you. And feel free to take the easy route for other party details. Storebought cupcakes! E-mailed invitations! Prefilled goody bags! Shortcuts are OK for anything but the gratitude.

About Catherine The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.

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When I stay overnight at someone’s house, I never know whether I should make up the bed the way I found it or remove the sheets and take them down to the laundry area the next morning. Any advice? J.M.

Ask your hosts. “How would you like me to leave the bed? Should I make it up or strip it?” They’ll probably say, “Oh, just leave it,” and that’s fine—you can. They might end up making it up with the same sheets, which is what we do when we don’t have time to wash them but don’t want to confront a stripped mattress every time we walk past the guest bed. Or they’ll strip it themselves, which is not an overly time-consuming task. (And they may not be sure at 8 o’clock on the morning of your departure what, exactly, their housekeeping plan is for the day.) The only time I follow a different course of action is when my hosts are older, if I’m worried that stretching sheets and blankets over the bed is too great a physical hardship. “I’m stuffing these sheets in your washer,” I might say. “Where are fresh ones I can make the bed with?” The more matter-of-fact you are about it, I’ve found, the better your chances of getting to be helpful.

P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K

R E L AT I N G

ON YO U R S O CI AL QUANDAR I E S.

A safety message from

Everyday items can become dangerous in little hands Keep laundry pacs away from children

R E L AT I N G modern manners

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. His mother regularly came and cleaned his old apartment. Now that we’ve moved into a new place, she still wants to do this. I expressed to my boyfriend that this makes me uncomfortable, as I don’t like the idea of his mother cleaning up after me. In spite of that, I agreed that she could come occasionally, as long as she let us know first. I came home last week and noticed she had stopped by. When I spoke to my boyfriend, he said he’d had no idea she was coming. I know it makes her happy to feel like she’s helping her son, but I think coming over unannounced crosses a major line. How do I bring this up without hurting anyone’s feelings? A.K.

I’m cringing a little. The fact that your grown boyfriend allowed his mom to do his dirty work strikes me as something of a relationship red flag, as does the fact that he continues to allow her. (Dude, pull on a pair of rubber gloves and clean up after yourself!) I dearly hope that he will not expect you to pick up where the maternal coddling leaves off. But for now, you are not asking about that. You are asking about boundaries and how best to establish some. Let’s give the mother the benefit of the doubt and assume that she simply wants to be helpful—that she’s not there to nose into your dirty laundry or reassert her primacy in her son’s life. Encourage your boyfriend to say, compassionately but firmly, that her cleaning days are over: “Mom, I’m so lucky to have a

parent who cares so much and wants to take care of me. But I’m an adult now, and it’s time for me to start taking care of myself.” He can also explain that you’d both prefer her not to come over unannounced, because then you don’t have a chance to host her properly. Putting it this way will reinforce the idea that she is, in fact, a guest in your home— not a resident. Will his mother feel like she’s being pushed away? She will. She is. And it’s hard. But it’s absolutely necessary.

I think that how you should respond depends on who he is. Of course you wouldn’t want to stage an awkward event that draws attention to unfortunate circumstances or breaches confidentiality. But if he has been open with everyone about his situation, then I think it would be nice to say something like, “We were hoping to gather for a send-off before you go. Would that be OK with you?” I like the idea of marking the occasion—with sandwiches or cake— because health crises can be so isolatingly private. Then again, I’m the person who threw my dying best friend a blowout birthday party in hospice. But I knew she’d love it. If, however, you imagine that your coworker would be more embarrassed than grateful, then perhaps you could all simply sign a card wishing him a smooth and speedy recovery, affirming your willingness to help with meals or company during his convalescence and reminding him that you’ll be very glad when he returns.

I have a coworker who is taking a leave of absence for very serious surgery. All of us in the office want to acknowledge his leaving, but of course this is not a celebration. Is there a protocol for this type of situation? M.H.

However you end up expressing your best wishes, your coworker is lucky to have such caring and conscientious people in his life. The nitty-gritty, though, I’m less sure about.

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How do I get people to leave a party at the time specified on an invitation? I’m hosting an event from 4:30 to 6 p.m., and I really need guests to leave right at 6. I’m worried it will drag out. Do I put a note on the invitation? Or say something at the event? M.M.

I tend to think of hosting as a holistically expansive gesture. You invite your guests in the spirit of graciousness and then attend to them likewise. So, honestly, I’m not in love with the idea of such a constraining time frame or of hurrying everybody out at a designated time. That said, there is doubtless a good reason you need to do it this way, so do it as gently as possible. An advance headsup is certainly preferable to a surprise bum’s rush, so try making a note at the bottom of the invitation: “Looking forward to seeing you! Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, the festivities need to end at 6 promptly. I hope you understand.” With plenty of notice, perhaps your friends will be able to coordinate an after-party get-together to extend the celebratory feeling.

H AV E A N E T I Q U E T T E Q U E ST I O N ?

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Work & Money A M E R I C A N VO I C E S

MARÍA CRISTINA “MC” GONZÁLEZ NOGUERA • Senior vice president of global public affairs at Estée Lauder Companies • Based in New York City

P H O T O G R A P H C O U R T E S Y O F T H E E S T É E L A U D E R C O M PA N I E S

You’ve been adapting to new environments since you were little. When I was 5, my mother and I moved from San Juan, Puerto Rico, to New London, Connecticut, where she was recruited to be a social worker. I spoke very limited English. I remember getting to kindergarten and the teacher speaking to me. I had absolutely no idea what she was saying. Looking back, I see I was very lucky. My mother instilled in me a sense of flexibility— geographic flexibility and flexibility in terms of how you relate to people. How has that affected your career philosophy? If something isn’t working for you, you should do something else. I went to Tufts University Written by

Jane Porter

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and studied international relations. I started as an analyst in investment banking in Puerto Rico. I did that for two years, but the banking world didn’t fulfill me. It just wasn’t my tribe. So what did you do? I moved to Washington, D.C., and worked at a strategic communications public affairs firm. I started at the bottom, as an assistant. I scheduled meetings for the partners, and I would just join the meetings. No one told me not to sit in, so I kept doing it. I was able to gain an understanding of the business. That really helped shape my career. I was there for five years, and I was promoted to a managing director role. How did you end up at Estée Lauder? A dear friend and mentor was working here

R E L AT I N G work & money

Embracing change has led María Cristina “MC” González Noguera places she never imagined. While vice president of corporate communications at Estée Lauder, she was tapped to become communications director for Michelle Obama. Now back at the beauty brand in a new role, González Noguera spoke with Real Simple about being nimble when opportunity knocks.

After eight years there, you were approached by the First Lady’s office. Another mentor in my career put my name in the ring. It was totally unexpected. I had to pinch myself at every moment in the interview process. You were communications director for Michelle Obama for two years. What did you learn from her? She expanded my way of thinking and approaching problems and helped me look at things in a much more creative light. What brought you back to Estée Lauder? I am really proud to be my son’s mother, and I’ve come back to a company that sees value in that. It allows me to be committed to being an executive as

What do you mean? Sometimes we can believe our own PR. You need to have enough people around who are saying, “No, that opportunity isn’t the right one for you.”

well as a mom and a wife. In my new role, I report directly to the CEO and the chairman, and I get to work with people I know. I can go into the office and have “the real conversation.” I don’t have to mince words. When you start with a new company and a new group of people, sometimes real conversations are hard to have. What’s a lesson you’ve learned? Remain open to opportunity and be fearless in how you go for it. As you get older, it can be harder to be fearless because you have more responsibility. I have a husband and a son now. I think that’s when you have to push yourself even more and surround yourself with people who are equal parts encouraging and truth-telling.

What type of leader are you? I really believe in the “servant leadership” approach, where you empower the team and bring out their collective best. That doesn’t mean consensus. It means playing to people’s strengths. What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made and learned from? At times, earlier in my career, I was too trusting of people and didn’t fully appreciate that sometimes what someone else wants isn’t the same thing you want. I’ve learned to be far more discerning. How is your life outside of work? My life is messy but fun. My son is nearly 5. He keeps my husband and me on our toes. I am really lucky. Parting advice? Be courageous about going after what you think is important and transformative for your life.

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ASK BUCKY TIME INC.’S* ALL-KNOWING, STRAIGHTSHOOTING SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT MANAGEMENT, BUCKY KEADY, TACKLES YOUR WORKPLACE CONUNDRUMS.

How do I write a cover letter that doesn’t sound braggy? Think of it this way: A cover letter is meant to show the recruiter right away how your skills marry with the job description. That mostly involves facts: “I’m applying for the job of x. I know you’re looking for someone who has closed deals within the x business. One of the deals I worked on as a senior member was x.” Just state the experience and it doesn’t come off as bragging. You can soften statements if it makes you more comfortable: “I don’t mean to sound overly confident, but I do want to highlight a few reasons I think I would be right for your company.” Make the most of this chance to show you’re a good communicator—succinct and aware of what’s relevant. And don’t worry too much; a cover letter, like an interview, is a safe space for being a little braggy. *TIME INC. IS THE PARENT COMPANY OF REAL SIMPLE.

P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K

R E L AT I N G work & money

and had decided it was time to leave the company. We were having dinner, and I was pitching her that my firm could help when she transitioned into her new job. She just looked at me and said, “I don’t think you understand what this dinner is about.” She wanted to recommend me at Estée Lauder.

“I think courage can be learned. If others see you being courageous, 9 times out of 10, they will catch on and be courageous as well.”

F R E S H N E S S T H AT WO R K S H A R D E R , B E C A U S E Y O U H AV E TO

WO R K H A R D E R TO G E T A H E A D .

STRESS TESTED FOR WOMEN

MONEY WISE

How to stick with your money resolutions Grand promises made at the start of the year can lose steam by February 1 (empty gyms, anyone?). If you’ve vowed to take control of your finances, experts say the trick is small, doable actions that change your thinking—and your behavior. We bring you six.

TO H E L P YO U

S P E N D L E SS Be frank about finances. Money-related social situations (expensive meals out, chipping in on a pricey gift) are tricky, but when you’re forthcoming about your goal to spend less, you may be pleasantly surprised by how peers react, says Rachel Cruze, author of Love Your Life, Not Theirs. Remember, others are probably feeling the same pinch.

R E L AT I N G work & money

Create customized lists of needs and wants. “Budgets often fail because they’re not personalized,” says Anna Newell Jones, author of The Spender’s Guide to Debt-Free Living. Beyond groceries, housing, electricity, and transportation, there’s a lot of leeway. If frequent travel or elaborate family parties are key to your happiness, put those on your “needs” list. “Move something of equal scale and value—premium movie channels, landscaping services—to ‘wants,’ and make cuts there,” says Newell Jones.

SHOW YOUR NUMBERS

AN OUTSIDE SOURCE WILL SEE P OT E N T I A L CHANGES TO YOUR BUDGET THAT YOU MIGHT MISS.

Written by Kathleen Murray Harris Illustration by Tomi Um

FEBRUARY 2017

Ask for an opinion. “When you’re so close to your spending habits, it can seem like there’s nothing to cut,” says Lauren Greutman, author of The Recovering Spender. Inviting fresh eyes to peruse your budget may help ID nonessentials (new linens every year?) or a category in which you’re generally overspending (eating out?). Yes, money can be a taboo topic. So Greutman suggests finding a private Facebook group focused on budgeting (search “budget help”) or tapping a pal who shares your goal.

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TO H E L P YO U

S AV E M O R E Gamify your savings plan. Greutman recommends two apps that will encourage you to build your nest egg: Acorns and Tip Yourself. Acorns rounds up purchases to the nearest dollar and transfers the extra to an investment account. Tip Yourself lets you create personal challenges, large and small (such as paying off your car or saving $20 on coffee in a week). It adds up. Find money in the couch cushions. Greutman believes there’s “at least $1,000 worth of stuff to sell in every home.” You can sell designer clothes and shoes on apps like Poshmark. But even broken gadgets and appliances can earn you dough. Surprising things sell well on eBay—water-damaged laptops, old appliances, even Starbucks mugs. Do some research on your memorabilia (and your junk!). Get help investing. If saving is going well and you’d like to venture into more complex territory, consider getting a financial adviser, says Cruze. “Find someone local you can sit down with in person,” she suggests. It’s best to get a recommendation from a trusted friend. “You want an adviser who’s patient enough to teach you what you don’t know,” adds Cruze. A couple of things to ask when assessing advisers: “Are you certified?” and “How will I have access to you for questions?” Be sure to educate yourself about fees. Many experts recommend working with advisers who charge flat fees as opposed to those who charge commissions.

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WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT

Breeze Through Perimenopause There’s no need to suffer during this life stage. (It can last a decade!) After years of near silence, experts are finding solutions for every crazy symptom you’ve got.

YO U R M O M L I K E LY didn’t discuss it much, and it’s not exactly brunch conversation for women in their 30s and 40s. Researchers haven’t paid a lot of attention either. But perimenopause—the time when your body gradually stops producing its usual mix of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone and starts shutting down baby-making operations—could last 4 to 10 years, with symptoms that give you flashbacks to junior high (acne! cramps!) plus a slew of havoc-wreaking new ones (hot flashes! vaginal dryness!). Perimenopause is finally having its moment in the spotlight. Experts now recognize it as a unique life stage (menopause itself is marked by going one year without a period) and are developing better treatments for it, thanks in part to the Study of Women’s Health Across the Nation (SWAN), a

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Written by

Sarah Elizabeth Richards Illustrations by

Andrea De Santis

H E A LT H

landmark 22-year project that followed more than 3,300 women ages 42 through 52. “Prior to SWAN, we had a limited idea of basic issues, like what proportion of women experienced hot flashes and how bothersome they were,” says Nanette Santoro, MD, professor and chair of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Colorado School of Medicine, who spent more than 20 years combing through the SWAN research. “We now know that 75 percent of women have some symptoms, and a quarter use a prescription treatment.” For women in perimenopause, hormonal options like low-dose birth control pills are prescribed to regulate hormones and relieve hot flashes, headaches, acne, irregular periods, and sudden, unpredictable heavy bleeding. Doctors also prescribe intrauterine devices (IUDs) that slowly release progestins to significantly decrease menstrual blood loss. The FDA recently approved other, nonhormonal medications that target specific symptoms. “If perimenopause is interfering with your life,” says Santoro, “there are lots of options that can provide relief.” Read on for some of the best.

HOT FL A SHES

your doctor about the antidepressant Brisdelle, a lowerdose version of Paxil that’s been FDA-approved to treat hot flashes. It targets the part of your brain responsible for controlling body temperature.

H E A LT H

The SWAN project found that nearly 67 percent of women experience unprovoked episodes of flushing, sweating, and chills during perimenopause. Hormonal therapy can help, and the timetested advice still holds: Cut back on alcohol, caffeine, and spicy foods, which can dilate blood vessels

and trigger hot flashes. But a recent review of 62 studies, published in JAMA, found that eating soy isoflavones, which are plant-based estrogens, helped reduce the number of hot flashes by at least one per day. The review did not recommend a certain daily amount, but Santoro suggests eating a few servings a week of isoflavone-rich fermented soy, such as miso and tempeh. If you have seven or eight episodes per day, consider asking

Perimenopause can begin as early as your late 30s. The first signs are often irregular periods, light periods, and sudden, unexpected heavy bleeding.

PERCENT of women experience unprovoked episodes of flushing, sweating, and chills during perimenopause.

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Heavy periods It’s called “flooding,” and if it happens to you, you know it. (One reader colorfully described it as a murder scene in her pants.) It’s caused by irregular estrogen production, which confuses the brain’s signal to release an egg. The result: irregular periods accompanied by a surprising gush of blood and debilitating cramps. To slow the flow, take ibuprofen or another nonsteroidal antiinflammatory drug (NSAID) from the first sign of your period until it ends, says Jill Blaser Farrukh, MD, assistant professor of family medicine at the University of Saskatchewan, who has a special interest in women’s health. “It works by constricting uterine blood vessels to reduce blood flow—and of course, it also helps with cramps.” If your heavy bleeding causes you to miss work or otherwise upends your day, ask your doctor about a prescription for tranexamic acid (brand name: Lysteda), which stems blood flow by preventing clots from breaking down too quickly. “For women who choose not to take hormonal methods, this is a great option,” says JoAnn Pinkerton, MD, executive director of the North American Menopause Society and professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Virginia Health System. “Studies show that it significantly improved quality of life.” Find out whether your insurance covers it, since it can cost more than $150 for a month’s supply.

U R I N A RY INCONTINENCE Declining hormone levels lead to a thinning of the urethra and a weakening of the pelvic muscles, which can cause leakage. With stress incontinence, you accidentally pee when you sneeze; with urge incontinence, you just don’t make it to the bathroom in time. Although as many as 60 percent of women suffer from incontinence during menopause, the symptoms are usually mild during perimenopause. Pelvic floor physical therapy and even classic Kegel exercises can help with stress incontinence, as can the tamponlike Poise Impressa, which puts pressure on the urethra to minimize leakage. To control urge incontinence, ask your doctor about mirabegron (Myrbetriq), an Rx pill that relaxes the muscles around the bladder, increasing its capacity to store urine.

With breasts this sore and swollen, you might at first guess that you’re pregnant. It’s possible, as long as you’ve had a period in the last 12 months (so if you’re not on birth control, do check!). But it’s also possible that you’re one of the nearly 15 percent of perimenopausal women who experience what’s called mastalgia, usually a few days before their period begins. This common PMS symptom can be exacerbated by the fluctuating estrogen levels during perimenopause. In addition to taking acetaminophen or NSAIDs for immediate relief, Pinkerton suggests taking 200 milligrams of magnesium oxide daily starting two weeks before your period. Research shows it helps by decreasing fluid retention. Studies have also found that taking a daily dose of 1,200 units of vitamin E or 3,000 milligrams of evening primrose oil—both of which have antiinflammatory properties—for six months can ease symptoms.

H E A LT H

Breast tenderness

PERCENT That’s how much more likely it is to get frequent headaches after entering perimenopause.

FEBRUARY 2017

VAGINAL DRYNESS For nearly one-third of women in late-stage perimenopause, the drop in estrogen affects vaginal lubrication and tissue elasticity, which can make sex painful. Until recently, the best ways to combat vaginal dryness were over-the-counter lubricants and vaginal moisturizers or prescription vaginal rings, creams, and tablets that deliver estrogen directly to the vagina. The new nonestrogen pill ospemifene (Osphena), taken orally once a day, mimics estrogen to make tissue thicker and less fragile. The nonestrogen treatment prasterone (Intrarosa), a vaginal insert that reduces symptoms resulting from the thinning and inflammation of the vaginal walls, has been FDA-approved and should be available this year.

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HE ADACHES The likelihood of frequent headaches is 60 percent greater during perimenopause than before, according to a new study of almost 3,700 women between the ages of 35 and 65, published last year in the journal Headache. The prescription medication sumatriptan (Imitrex) can stop a headache in its tracks by blocking the nerves firing in the main sensory nerve of the head, says lead study author Vincent Martin, MD, codirector of the Headache & Facial Pain Program at the University of Cincinnati. A trip to your drugstore’s vitamin aisle can also help: A 2008 study suggested that taking 600 milligrams daily of magnesium citrate, which binds to the receptors in the brain, may dampen the firing of nerves.

NOT IN THE MOOD?

Your hormones might be to blame. Go to realsimple .com/sexdrive for solutions.

FEBRUARY 2017

Mood swings Nearly 28 percent of women approaching menopause undergo estrogen-driven mood swings (versus nearly 21 percent of younger women). Those most at risk: women who start perimenopause at an early age or who suffer frequent hot flashes or sleep disorders. While exercise in general is often credited with driving away the blues, a 2014 study published in Journal of Mid-Life Health found that practicing yoga daily for three months improved the moods of women between the ages of 40 and 60 even more than conventional exercise because of the calming effect on the nervous system and brain. Women who’ve suffered from clinical depression earlier in life are three times as likely to experience a major depressive episode during perimenopause, says Sarah Matthews, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, who studies mood disorders during perimenopause. A small 2006 study by Harvard Medical School found that SSRIs such as escitalopram (Lexapro) helped 75 percent of depressed perimenopausal women. SSRIs work by regulating the mood neurotransmitter serotonin. Q

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AHHH...

Here’s a sound meditation you can do anytime to feel less stressed and more open: Sit quietly and relax your jaw, face, and tongue. Close your eyes; imagine your ears opening. Begin to notice the sounds around you. Now pick just one of those—a ticking clock, say, or your dog’s snoring— and follow it for a minute or so. Then let it go and focus on a different sound—the wind blowing outside, for example. Give that a few moments’ attention. Do the same with a third sound. Finally, take a deep, easy breath and let all the sounds around you come into your ears at once. The result: You might appreciate that all sounds come and go—those you like and those you find annoying—and that you can be stable and relaxed no matter what your ears are taking in.

OFFSET

BY C Y N D I L E E , C Y N D I L E E .C O M

Photograph by Maura McEvoy

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what does it really take to

LO S E WE I G HT ?

A team of trainers and an empty calendar? A bag of baby carrots and the resolve of a living statue? Good genes? Nope, nope, and nope. The latest research says that the key to lasting weight loss is all in your head. Here’s how to unlock the slimmer, healthier you. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO to lose weight: Eat a little less, move a little more, and ﬁgure out what works for your body. “No more chocolate,” you declare. “I’ll take up CrossFit,” you promise. “I can live without chips for a while,” you vow. But then one day you’re tired. Or grumpy. Or that lethal combo: hangry. So you figure you deserve the raspberry truffle ball, dammit. And before you’ve polished off that leftover holiday candy, you’ve begun spiraling down a slippery slope that ends with ice cream on the couch at midnight.

Written by Laura Schocker Illustrations by Guyco

Lifestyle shifts like joining a gym and stocking the fridge with fresh produce are good, but to really move the needle on the scale, you need to delve deeper, says Holly Lofton, assistant professor of medicine and surgery and director of the medical weight-management program at NYU Langone Medical Center. “Take a hard look at your past weightloss attempts,” she advises. “Think about what got inyourway, then ﬁnd solutions to those issues now.” If you never went to the gym because it was too far away, consider taking brisk walks. If you regained weight after a strict regimen of lettuce and nutrient shakes because you didn’t know what to eat once the diet was over, you’ll need a more livable plan from the start.And ifyou don’twant to be known as the “heavy sister” anymore? Reframe that goal so it speaks to the positive things you want for yourself. It’s more enjoyable, of course, to run toward something wonderful than away from something awful. That’s all easier said than done. To help, here All the science in the world won’t help you lose weight if your are a few common pitheart isn’t in the game. It’s not enough to know what to do—the falls. See which ones ring secret is understanding how to make yourself do it. What desires familiar—and learn to are driving your weight-loss efforts? How can you tweak your daily sidestep them once and routine to make new, healthier habits feel easy? Experts have disfor all. covered that shifting your mind-set can give you an edge. “Dieting books focus almost exclusively on what and what not to eat, with the assumption that this is just a mechanical process,” says clinical psychologist Edward Abramson, professor emeritus of psychology at California State University in Chico and the author of Emotional Eating. “It’s like, ‘If you know you shouldn’t eat bacon, then you just shouldn’t eat bacon.’ ” That’s why people fail at diets: They forget to account for moments of boredom, weakness, or sadness, or for any other perfectly normal situation that could get in the way.

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If you swear off your favorite foods until you just can’t resist… ADOPT A DIET PLAN THAT INCLUDES YOUR CRAVINGS.

If losing weight is kind of an abstract goal… IDENTIFY YOUR SPECIFIC REASON FOR WANTING TO DROP POUNDS.

It’s no news flash that maintaining a healthy weight is good for you. Even a small loss can improve blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar. And a large, sustained weight loss can boost energy, mood, and self-confidence. The trick is closing the gap between the knowledge and the plan—especially when there are french fries between the two. To find your motivation, create a list of reasons why you want to lose the weight, says Robin Frutchey, a counselor and behavioral therapist for the Johns Hopkins Weight Management Center in Baltimore. The more specific, the better: “Rather than saying, ‘I want to be healthy,’ write down, ‘I want to lose weight so I don’t have a heart attack like Dad,’” she says. “It’s a bit more salient.” This can help motivate you now and a few pounds down the line, when you lose steam. “Refresh your memory about why this is so important to you,” says Frutchey. “Seeing the reasons on paper is helpful.” Not a list maker? Create a visual cue. Post the “before” picture of yourself in a bathing suit or at a family gathering and look at it when you’re tempted to stay in for another Netflix marathon instead of heading to the gym, says Lofton. If your reason is more internal (“I want to have energy for my kids”) than external (“I want to fit into my old jeans again”), you can still find ways to make it visual—a photo of your children running and playing, say, or of the ride they want you to take them on at Six Flags.

Maybe you keep up with a diet just fine—until you lose the weight. In that case, try to make healthy changes you can live with forever. Frutchey advises patients who ditch their diet out of boredom to challenge themselves with new recipes or sign up for a 5K run-walk.

If you ban doughnuts forever, eventually everything starts to look (and maybe even smell) like a doughnut. “That’s one of the problems with dieting,” says Abramson. “It frequently presents an all-or-nothing mentality.” But deprivation can set you up for a binge: The moment your resolve is weakened, you’ll reach for the entire box of doughnuts. So instead of never eating your favorite food again, Abramson suggests thinking of it as a dessert (yes, even if your trigger food is barbecue potato chips). Follow these rules for dessert: Eat it only after a meal, when you’re already pretty full. Eat a small portion, on a plate. Don’t sneak it. And enjoy it: “Eat it slowly,” says Abramson. “Prolong the pleasure.” Beyond the happiness that comes with keeping these treats in your life, having a sense of agency over what you eat can actually help you eat less. Knowing you could eat that cookie if you wanted to, you’re more likely to weigh the pros and cons—and maybe decide it’s not worth it. “When you don’t feel like someSET UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT TO MAKE body else is restricting IT EASIER TO FOLLOW YOUR PLAN. you, you tend to make better decisions,” says The average person makes about 200 food-related decisions a day, Frutchey. says Brian Wansink, PhD, director of the Cornell Food and Brand Lab in Ithaca, New York, and author of Slim by Design. It’s not “Should I eat cereal for breakfast?” It’s “Cereal A or cereal B? How much should I pour? How much milk do I need?” “Because we’re unaware of many of these decisions, the environment can push us to eat more,” says Wansink. Faced with sugary cereal or bran ﬂakes, you might choose the sugary cereal. Wansink’s radical idea: “Change your environment to help you mindlessly eat better.” One strategy is to straighten up your kitchen. His research found that people in cluttered surroundings (dirty dishes, mail piles) ate 44 percent more snacks than those in a clean environment. “That out-of-control environment primes you to say, ‘If the rest of the world is out of control, why try to control what I eat?’” he says. Clutter also raises stress levels, and that can lead to overeating. Another idea: Hide junk food. Research revealed that people who kept fruit on their counters weighed 13 pounds less than their snack-displaying peers.

If you find yourself eating without even realizing it…

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If you snack when you’re bored (or stressed, or lonely)… EAT ONLY WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY HUNGRY.

We eat for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with being hungry. Weight loss comes easier when you understand your motivation. Start by spending a week or two writing down everything you eat and how you were feeling when you ate it, suggests Rachel Goldman, PhD, a psychologist and clinical assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine. Her tip: Pay special attention to the evening hours, which she notes are particularly difficult for many of her clients. “People think they’ve been ‘good’ all day, so they allow themselves to indulge—which could lead to overindulging,” she says. “Or someone may have had a stressful day and come home to take comfort in food.” Then there’s the modern classic: eating mindlessly in front of the TV. Next time you find yourself absentmindedly poking around the kitchen for a snack, stop and ask whether your body really needs food, suggests Goldman. If it happens often, she recommends tacking a “Am I so hungry that I’d eat steamed broccoli?” Emotional hunger sticky note that reads, is usually for something specific, such as a carbohydrate or a “Why am I doing this?” sweet. “When you’re physiologically hungry, you’ll eat anything,” or “Am I hungry?” to the says Goldman. cupboard door or the Maybe you’ve identified that you’re feeling, well, a feeling and fridge to stop you in your not physical hunger. In that case, come up with a list of three to tracks. Or ask yourself, five substitute behaviors for eating (brainstorm them now, when you aren’t hankering for a cookie). Find alternatives that will remove you from the situation, distract you, and hopefully make you feel good or productive, says Goldman. Call a friend, take a walk, do a load of laundry, or work on a craft project with your kid.

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If you start out with great intentions but, in the moment, really want the darn cupcake… FREE YOURSELF FROM THE IDEA OF WILLPOWER.

Willpower is an unreliable tool. “It’s a ﬁnite resource,” says Abramson. And that means you run out of it as the day progresses. It’s easier to say yes to exercise or no to a hunk of cheese when you’re well rested than after you’ve turned down dozens of temptations all day (you got out of bed, you stopped a Gilmore Girls binge—the list goes on). You don’t need willpower; you need a new thinking pattern that you can put on autopilot. Cognitive behavioral therapy suggests that we can train our brains to make better decisions. When it comes to weight loss, CBT explains

that there’s a thought between “I’m tired” and “Give me all the pizza.” It’s the self-sabotaging rationale: “I’m too tired to cook” or “Everyone else is eating pizza. Why can’t I?” The key is to catch that thought and replace it, explains Deborah Beck Busis, a licensed clinical social worker and coauthor of The Diet Trap Solution. “In-the-moment decisions are hard,” she says. “Plan in advance.” So right now—before you find yourself facing mushroom-and-pepperoni deliciousness—ask yourself what you were thinking the last time you ate something you later regretted. What would you like to tell yourself before it happens again? Maybe it’s “That extra slice will make you feel sick” or “You’re so close to your goals, and you don’t really like mushrooms—it’s not worth it.” Then write down your reasons on paper or in your phone and read them daily. It’s about building a skill, says Beck Busis, not about some magical “power” you either have or don’t.

If you typically celebrate life’s big and small moments with food, make a go-to list of calorie-free rewards: Splurge on the shoes you pinned to Pinterest. Spend the afternoon in the hammock with the latest Liane Moriarty read.

If you abandon your diet as soon as you “mess up”… DETERMINE FEEL-GOOD MILESTONES THAT AREN’T ABOUT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE.

A lot of factors go into weight— medication, hormones, genetics, and water retention, to name a few. At times, despite your best intentions, the scale might not budge (and it might even go up a pound or two). Don’t let it get you crazy—or make you quit trying. “I encourage my clients not to have purely weight-related goals,” says Frutchey. Instead, perhaps you want to feel confident in a sleeveless top or do all the STRATEGIZE BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. “push yourself” variations in kickboxing class. Ultimately, “if you’re meeting You don’t have to cancel all social events to see progyour daily calorie and fitness goals, your ress on the scale; you just need to plan ahead. “Take weight will likely follow,” she says. the thinking out of the equation to make it easy for Accept, too, that sometimes you yourself when you’re in these situations,” says Goldmight eat a cheeseburger. The experts man. Look at menus and decide what to order before agree: Stop beating yourself up about you meet at the restaurant—since by then, you’ll be it. Think of it as just one of the 200 food hungry and possibly influenced by what others are decisions you’ve made today—then ordering. In his research at the Cornell Food and Brand move on. Frutchey tells Lab, Wansink found that placing your her clients to keep a list order first can help, too. You’ll be less of their small victories, likely to cave when your friend orders FOCUS ON WHAT FITNESS CAN DO FOR YOUR BODY RATHER like choosing the apple a bacon double cheeseburger. He also THAN WHAT IT WILL ALLOW YOU TO EAT LATER. over the chips. “People suggests limiting yourself to two focus on the one thing You might assume that a gym session gives you a free eating pass “extras” (like a beverage, sides, or comtheydid wrong this week for the rest of the day. In fact, one study published in the journal plimentary bread) over the course of and forget the 80 things Appetite suggests that just thinking about exercising prompted the meal. This way, you’re not deprivthey did well,” says participants to reach for more snacks. But here’s a reality check: ing yourself; you’re making choices. Frutchey. But it’s those The average 155-pound person will burn about 300 calories during 80 positive things that a half hour of running—and a post-gym milkshake cancels that out really make the differfast. Weight loss, after all, is about creating a calorie deficit. ence over time. Q One way to rewire your brain out of expecting a post-sweat binge? Reframeyourworkout as a break. Cornell Food and Brand Lab research showed that when participants thought of an activity as a “scenic walk” instead of an “exercise walk,” they ate half as many snacks afterward. “Call it a personal break, meditation time, or time away from the kids,” says Wansink. “Thinking of it as a positive indulgence makes you less likely to compensate by eating more later.”

If you stick to your diet—except when you’re out with friends…

If you’re prone to post-workout binges…

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200

That’s how many food-related choices we make each day, the Cornell Food and Brand Lab found. Don’t give up just because you ate two slices of pie this one time.

Amani was feeling miserable one night around the holidays. He said to himself, “I want to hang with someone cool… with no romantic interest.” So, he says, “I called Corliss.”

Corliss Elizabeth Williams Amani Olu HAPPY FAMILY: Corliss and Amani, both 36, and baby Amelia Elizabeth live in West Bloomfield, Michigan, where Corliss grew up.

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FINDING

THE ONE Sometimes Cupid’s arrow knows right where it’s headed; other times it takes a few detours. In honor of Valentine’s Day, we get to your gooey center with sweet, complicated, imperfect, real-life love stories.

FOURTH TIME’S A CHARM ONCE UPON A TIME, in 2009, there was a woman named Corliss and a guy named Amani, two artsy types in Brooklyn— and a friend who tried to fix them up. Facebook activity ensued. Corliss, then an art director for a magazine (she now runs a vintage-clothing boutique), sent Amani a message. Amani says he never got it (ahem). But he saw her picture. And six months later, lo and behold, he stepped into a singles party in her neighborhood, and there she was. “She was talking to some tall guy,” recalls Amani, who runs his own marketing and public relations agency in the arts. Amani edged his way in and introduced himself. The two had a nice rapport and soon found themselves chatting out on the roof deck. About 20 minutes in, Amani was ready to leave the party and asked Corliss to go with him. She was turned off. “I wasn’t about to leave my friends at a party and go off with someone I’d just

met,” she says. She’d enjoyed talking, but with that request, she reassessed. “I thought he was a little too forward!” she says, laughing. They kept in touch, went on a few dates, and ended up at an awkward group bowling party together. They each tell it differently, but an unexciting first kiss at the end of that night was probably influenced by their feelings for other people. Amani was hung up on an ex. “And Corliss was open about being into some guy she knew,” says Amani. “She did not want to date me! We were both dealing with stuff.” Their story could have easily ended there, just two more New Yorkers melting back into the crowds with barely remembered mediocre dates in their shared past. Then came the holiday season of 2010, with all the twinkle, magic, and crippling loneliness holidays can bring. A few months prior, Amani had been on the dating site OKCupid when who should pop

up as his “99 percent match” but (wait for it) Corliss. He called her to report the hilarious algorithm fail, and they played a few rounds of noncommittal phone tag. But it wasn’t until one night in December, after coming home from a terrible date, that he found himself wanting to be with her. “Why be miserable?” he wondered. “It’s the holidays, and I want to hang with someone cool…with no romantic interest.” So, he says, “I called Corliss.” Corliss invited Amani to a friend’s party, and when he walked into the room, “it was like someone had sprinkled pixie dust on both of us,” she says. She thought, “He looks taller.” Before Amani could make his customary early party exit, Corliss kissed him. He stayed. They were engaged within a year.

Written by Amy Shearn Photographs by Robert Maxwell

STAGE KISS

David Godbey Tina Lee

SOMETIMES YOU JUST have to do as you’re told. That’s what actor David Godbey figured back in 2001 when the director of the play he was in summoned him to work on New Year’s Eve. The command: “We’re going to start rehearsing today, right now. Your wife is here.” The director meant David’s stage wife, of course. Her real-life name was Tina. In the theater piece—a send-up of a Dutch passion play— they were characters with the names Staunch Goodfellow (his) and Steadfast Faith (hers).

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H A I R BY T Y L E R L A S W E L L FO R T R E S E M M É AT R AY B R O W N ; M A K E U P BY R A C H E L W O O D T O L E D O FO R M A L LY C O S M E T I C S AT R AY B R O W N

David was a shaggy hippie with a pentagram necklace. Tina characterized herself as “cerebral-uptightNortheast.” Her parents hoped she’d end up with a doctor or a lawyer.

David took the hour-long trip from his crummy apartment in the Bronx to the theater in downtown Manhattan. It would be nice to be able to report that sparks flew the moment he laid eyes on his future (real-life) wife. But that would be inaccurate. “There was not an immediate attraction,” reports Tina, now 44 and a writer and event producer. David, now 46 and an actor as well as an acting teacher, was a shaggy, bearded hippie who wore a pentagram necklace and described himself as a pagan. Tina characterizes her own personality as “cerebraluptight-Northeast.” She knew her Korean parents were hoping she’d end up with a doctor or a lawyer, or become one. But as rehearsals progressed, Tina gradually realized she felt more comfortable and relaxed around Staunch—er, David—than she ever had with a guy before. Despite their differences, they had a nice energy between them. They became more and more flirtatious, and when things started developing, both assumed it would be no more than a fling, because on paper they didn’t make sense. “We were complete opposites,” says Tina, smiling. (These two smile at each other a lot and laugh heartily at each other’s jokes.) There was no aha moment to speak of, but casual dating eventually became exclusive dating, and before long they were living together. Five years in, Tina’s parents took David to Korea to meet the extended family. With their kids (a 6-year-old and 4-year-old twins), the couple just celebrated their 16th New Year’s Eve together. “We still have nothing in common,” maintains Tina, beaming toward David. “But we really get each other.”

Richard Ina Seow SKATING LESSON WE ALL KNOW the feeling of crushing on someone who’s really good at what he does—the guitarist onstage, the soccer player on the field, the mathlete at the meet. For Ina Seow, it was an intrepid Rollerblader in New York City’s Central Park. The year was 2002, the season was spring, and the sky was bright blue. Richard Seow and his buddies were doing tricks at the park’s empty bandshell—a magnet for daredevils on wheels. “I noticed Richard right away,” says Ina, a German expat who sat on a bench nearby with a friend who knew some of the skaters. Ina, who teaches German, was impressed. “He was graceful and fearless.” She was a Rollerblader, too, but not the sort to do tricks. Richard sat down to take a break. While surreptitiously looking his way, Ina noticed Richard had a German textbook with him. Was this a sign? She worked up her nerve and finally said, “I could teach you German if you could teach me some Rollerblading tricks.” They saw each other every day for a month—platonically. “He didn’t make a move, so I thought, ‘Maybe he just wants to be friends.’ ” Ina learned that Richard was not a budding German scholar. (“He was a student at Hunter College, and all the electives except German were filled,” she recalls with a laugh.) Richard, who’s Malaysian, took Ina to his favorite Malaysian restaurants in the city.

The pretense of lessons was dropped immediately, but Richard did some boyfriendly things, like make Ina chicken soup when she was sick and buy an air conditioner for her apartment. Then Richard invited Ina—still as friends—to the beach for a weekend away. On the ferry to Fire Island, they had their first kiss. And that was it. “We knew at that moment,” says Ina.

Ina worked up her nerve and said, “I could teach you German if you could teach me some Rollerblading tricks.”

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These days, the couple go Rollerblading with their daughters, ages 7 and 10. Richard, now 44 and a product designer at an educational software company, is still leaping onto the bandshell (with no helmet or pads). What’s changed? “Before we had kids, I didn’t worry about the risks,” says Ina, 42. “Now I worry.”

Charlie Carol Taney A couple of weeks later, when Charlie made the grand gesture of inviting Carol to meet him in Washington, D.C., to see the cherry blossoms in bloom, Carol accepted. (They stayed in separate rooms, of course, “with lots of adults around.”) “He brought me a single yellow rose,” recalls Carol, “as if things weren’t already romantic enough.” By the time the weekend was over, the two were head over heels. Carol and Charlie got married a year and a half after they met. The bride reports that her father had reservations, going so far as to tell her, just before walking her down the aisle, “You can still get out of this.” She laughs about it now; her dad eventually came to love Charlie like a son. Fifty years, four children, and 11 grandkids later, Carol and Charlie live happily together in Fairfield County, Connecticut. Carol is a high school psychologist, and since Charlie retired as vice chairman of an ad agency, he’s been active with nonprofit environmental work. They’re close to their family, and the spark between them is still evident. And every year on March 17, you can find them at the train station, headed to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

ACROSS A CROWDED TRAIN A BLIZZARD IS NO DETERRENT for college students hell-bent on fun. And on March 17, 1967, serious snowfall didn’t stand in the way of two groups of friends heading into New York City from points north to see the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Charlie Taney was a student at Hobart College in Geneva, New York, and there was no chance he and his buddies were missing the fabled event. He explains that the often unruly revelry the parade is known for was more extreme back then. “It used to be an even bigger mob. Catholic schools had the day off, the local drinking age was 18—it was crazy.” Even the train station in New Rochelle, New York, was jam-packed. As Carol Diamond and her friends from the College of New Rochelle huddled on the platform, someone caught her eye: a cute, tall guy through the crowd. By the time she and her friends worked their way onto the train to Manhattan, he was gone. Charlie, tall enough to see over the crowd, scanned the train in search of this lovely girl, but to no avail. Disappointed, he gave in to the frenzy of the day—he and his pals were set to meet up with blind dates in the city. He had to accept the fact that he’d never see the beautiful girl on the train again.

Late that night, Carol and her friends were collecting one another near Grand Central Terminal in order to catch the train back and make curfew—just as Charlie and his buddies (who, he says, were “feeling no pain”) stumbled toward the same meeting place: the iconic clock in the lobby of the Biltmore Hotel. Charlie couldn’t believe his eyes. “It’s that same cute girl!” he said. The two groups of friends went for a quick drink and rode the rowdy train back together. There was undeniable chemistry between Charlie and Carol, but there was also an obstacle: Carol was “pinned” to another guy. “I was a good girl, very conservative,” says Carol. “I never broke the rules.” But she could feel the sparks. The next time they saw each other— just as friends—at a dive bar in New Rochelle called Buzzy & Dick’s, they danced to a song that played over and over on the jukebox: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.” Charlie was smitten and full of wonder. “I was basically a juvenile delinquent!” he jokes. “I couldn’t believe this girl would be interested in me!” The fellow Carol was pinned to would soon be receiving his pin back.

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“I was basically a juvenile delinquent!” jokes Charlie, who was smitten by Carol. “I couldn’t believe this girl would be interested in me!”

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LONG LOVE: Charlie and Carol have been together since college. Their closeknit family includes 11 grandkids.

SS THE

G I

SIX WAYS TO COOK AND SAVOR THE WHOLE HOG

PAPRIKA PORK TENDERLOIN WITH ROASTED POTATOES AND DILL CREAM

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Recipes by Robin Bashinsky Photographs by Jennifer Causey Food Styling by Chelsea Zimmer Prop Styling by Claire Spollen

ROASTED BONE-IN PORK RACK WITH THYME

ROASTED BONE-IN PORK RACK WITH THYME PORK CHOPS WITH MAPLE–BLACK PEPPER GRAVY

ACTIVE TIME 30 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 1 HOUR, 25 MINUTES SERVES 8

4 Tbsp. olive oil, divided

ACTIVE TIME 10 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 30 MINUTES SERVES 4

1 5½-lb. bone-in pork loin rack (8 ribs), frenched 4 tsp. kosher salt, divided

2 Tbsp. canola oil

3 tsp. black pepper, divided 12 oz. small multicolored carrots with tops, trimmed 3 cups bite-size cauliflower florets 2 fennel bulbs, trimmed and cut into wedges 1 Tbsp. fresh thyme leaves Flat-leaf parsley leaves, for serving POUR 3 tablespoons oil into a heavy roasting pan. Transfer pan to oven and preheat to 400°F.

pork all over with 3 teaspoons salt and 2 teaspoons pepper. Remove roasting pan from oven and carefully place pork, fat side down, in hot oil. Return to oven and roast for 15 minutes. SEASON

carrots, cauliflower, and fennel with thyme, remaining 1 tablespoon oil, and remaining 1 teaspoon each salt and pepper; scatter around pork. Return to oven and roast until a thermometer inserted into thickest portion of pork registers 145°F, about 1 hour. Transfer pork to a cutting board and let rest for 10 minutes. TOSS

MEANWHILE, continue to roast vegetables until tender and caramelized, about 10 minutes more. SLICE pork between ribs into 8 chops, reserving any juices. Serve chops with vegetables and any reserved juices, topped with parsley.

4 10-oz. center-cut, bone-in pork chops

PAPRIKA PORK TENDERLOIN WITH ROASTED POTATOES AND DILL CREAM ACTIVE TIME 30 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 30 MINUTES SERVES 4

1 lb. small red potatoes, halved or quartered if large 3 Tbsp. olive oil, divided 2¼ tsp. kosher salt, divided 2 tsp. paprika 1 tsp. onion powder ¾ tsp. black pepper, divided 1 1¼-lb. pork tenderloin, trimmed ¾ cup sour cream 3 Tbsp. fresh dill sprigs, chopped, plus more for serving PREHEAT oven to 425°F. Toss potatoes with 2 tablespoons oil and 1 teaspoon salt on a rimmed baking sheet. Roast until browned and tender, 20 to 22 minutes. MEANWHILE, combine paprika, onion powder, 1 teaspoon salt, and ½ teaspoon pepper; season pork with spice mixture. Heat remaining 1 tablespoon oil in a large ovenproof skillet over medium-high. Add pork and cook, turning occasionally, until browned on all sides, 5 to 6 minutes. Transfer skillet to oven and roast until a thermometer inserted into thickest portion of pork registers 145°F, 12 to 15 minutes. Let rest for 5 minutes before slicing. STIR together sour cream, dill, and remaining ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Serve pork with dill cream and potatoes; garnish with dill sprigs.

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2 tsp. kosher salt 2 Tbsp. all-purpose flour 2 cups low-sodium chicken broth, divided ⅓ cup pure maple syrup 1½ Tbsp. apple cider vinegar 2 tsp. black pepper HEAT oil in a large skillet over mediumhigh. Season pork chops with salt. Working in batches if necessary, add chops to skillet and cook, turning once, until browned and a thermometer inserted into thickest portion registers 145°F, 5 to 6 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate; tent with foil to keep warm. WHISK flour and ½ cup broth in a medium bowl until smooth. Add flour mixture, syrup, and remaining 1½ cups broth to skillet. Cook over medium-high, whisking occasionally, until slightly thickened and reduced to about 1 cup, 12 to 15 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in vinegar and pepper; serve over pork chops.

TIP Look for pork chops with a rosy pink hue and no gray undertones. We like bone-in chops for searing because they retain moisture and a meaty flavor even after time in a hot skillet.

PORK CHOPS WITH MAPLE– BLACK PEPPER GRAVY

CHILE-ROASTED PORK RIBS

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CARAMELIZED PORK BELLY

KOREAN-STYLE LETTUCE WRAPS CHILE-ROASTED PORK RIBS

ACTIVE TIME 25 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 13 HOURS, 15 MINUTES (INCLUDES CHILLING) SERVES 12

ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 2 HOURS, 40 MINUTES SERVES 6

¾ cup sugar, divided ¼ cup kosher salt, divided 1 6-lb. bone-in pork shoulder

3 Tbsp. ancho chile powder

1 bunch radishes, thinly sliced (2 cups)

1½ Tbsp. kosher salt 2 2½- to 3-lb. racks St. Louis–style pork ribs

3 carrots, thinly sliced into matchsticks (2 cups)

1 cup ketchup

1 cup rice vinegar

½ cup apple cider vinegar or distilled white vinegar

2 heads Bibb lettuce, leaves separated 3 cups prepared kimchi

¼ cup sugar

CARAMELIZED PORK BELLY

1 Tbsp. black pepper 1 Tbsp. hot sauce 2 tsp. yellow mustard PREHEAT oven to 325°F. Combine chile powder and salt in a small bowl; rub mixture over ribs. Wrap each rack in aluminum foil and place on a rimmed baking sheet. Roast until bones can be pulled out with just a bit of tension, 2 hours to 2 hours and 15 minutes. MEANWHILE, whisk together ketchup, vinegar, sugar, pepper, hot sauce, and mustard.

broiler. Unwrap ribs and baste with half the sauce. Return unwrapped ribs to oven and broil until sauce is bubbly and glazes the ribs, 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a cutting board; let rest for 5 minutes before slicing. Serve ribs with remaining sauce. PREHEAT

TIP The membrane that covers a rack of ribs can make it hard to separate them for eating. To remove it before cooking, loosen a corner with a sharp knife, then grab it with a paper towel and pull back and away.

ACTIVE TIME 50 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 4 HOURS, 50 MINUTES SERVES 8

1 Tbsp. canola oil 1 4-lb. pork belly, cut into 3-in. pieces 1 large yellow onion, chopped 1 tsp. crushed red pepper 1 cup packed light brown sugar ¼ cup fish sauce ½ cup cilantro, including leaves and tender stems 3 Tbsp. fresh lime juice (from 2 limes) Steamed rice and bok choy, for serving HEAT oil in a large skillet over mediumhigh. Working in 2 batches, add pork and cook until browned on all sides, 12 to 15 minutes. Transfer to a 6-quart slow cooker. ADD onion and crushed red pepper to skillet and cook, stirring, until onion begins to brown, about 5 minutes. Add sugar and fish sauce and cook, stirring, until thick and bubbly, about 3 minutes. Transfer mixture to slow cooker, cover, and cook on low until pork is tender, about 4 hours. Stir in cilantro and lime juice. Serve pork and sauce over rice with steamed bok choy.

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COMBINE ½ cup sugar and 3 tablespoons salt; rub mixture all over pork. Place pork in a large bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and chill for 8 to 12 hours. PREHEAT oven to 300°F. Transfer pork, fat side up, to a heavy roasting pan, discarding any liquid in bowl. Roast until very tender and a thermometer inserted into thickest portion registers 145°F, 4 to 4½ hours. Transfer pork to a platter and let rest until cool enough to handle, about 30 minutes. Pull into large pieces, discarding the bone. COMBINE radishes and carrots in a heatproof bowl. Bring vinegar, 1 cup water, and remaining ¼ cup sugar and 1 tablespoon salt to a boil in a medium saucepan over high. Cook, stirring constantly, until sugar and salt dissolve, about 4 minutes. Pour hot brine over radishes and carrots and set aside until cool, about 30 minutes. (Pickled vegetables can be made 2 days ahead; refrigerate in an airtight container.) BUILD lettuce wraps with pork, vegetables, and kimchi.

LOVE TENDERLOIN?

Get 10 more recipes for this lean, juicy cut at realsimple.com/pork.

KOREANSTYLE LETTUCE WRAPS

TIP This is a great meal to serve family-style. Bring the whole pork roast to the table; let diners pull off pieces of meat and assemble their own wraps with kimchi and vegetables.

OMBRÉ THE ORDINARY Basic Ikea bookshelves in an entryway or other open space look luxe when you push them together for a gradient display. “Put the lightest books up top for an airy look,” says Mauri. Group the rest by color, but resist the urge to go strictly lightest to darkest. “Mixing it up makes the effect more sophisticated,” she says. Fill out the spot with some greenery and pretty vessels.

P A T T E R N Decorating with bold prints isn’t as hard as it seems. This Brooklyn couple, who own a home-furnishings boutique, bring some smart strategies to the table. Take a tour and steal their tricks for your own space. Written by Betsy Goldberg Photographs by William Abranowicz Styling by Rachael Weiner

MAURI WEAKLEY AND HER HUSBAND, BEN HEEMSKERK, HAVE LIVED IN THIS APARTMENT FOR A YEAR. SHE REUPHOLSTERED THE CHAIRS (FOUND AT A FLEA MARKET) WITH A RED FLORAL FABRIC TO “MAKE A BIG IMPACT.”

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PALETTE PARTICULARS It’s easy to pick out accent pieces if you match pops of color from a painting. Just don’t go overboard, warns Mauri: “Think little touches that shine, like a solo pink pillow, or the room can veer topsy-turvy.”

POUF PERFECT “Ottomans are my must-have,” says Mauri. “They’re such functional little pieces—you can move them around for extra seating, then tuck them away. I chose two different ones for this room because I already had a pair of matching chairs. I found the wall lamp at workstead.com.”

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A (NOT SO) DELICATE BALANCE No-fail living room formula: Keep the furniture subtle and let one bold painting steal the show, says Mauri. Neutrals give you freedom to get a little wild with patterns and textures. “We blended chic silks and velvets with comfier cotton and woven fabrics, and a large graphic rug with smallscale prints [on pillows and chairs],” she says. “Go all in—a big mix looks more deliberate.”

Mauri and Ben’s store (opposite and right), like their living room, brims with pretty patterns and poppy colors, yet it’s perfectly curated. As a shopper, how do you not lose your head when surrounded by such choices? Mauri offers up some home decor strategies to help:

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE. “If you’re shopping for a lamp, don’t get too distracted by the rugs. Enjoy browsing, but don’t lose sight of your intention. It helps to write down the items ahead of time.”

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE EXPERTISE. “Staffers know design, and their advice is gratis. The question we’re always asked is how to pick pillows. A lot of approaches work, but the easiest is a tonal scheme—say, all pinks but in a mix of textures and with patterns in different scales. Throw in one neutral so it doesn’t look too stiff and uniform.”

FALL IN LOVE. “See something that speaks to you that’s a little ‘out there’? Imagine what you have at home that can be its companion: It works if you give it some contrast. You can have that fabulous vintage pendant but make it work by pairing it with a sleek, modern dining table.”

PARTNERS IN LIFE AND WORK “We weren’t always in the home decor world,” says Mauri. “I used to be a visual merchandiser for a fashion boutique, and Ben is a restaurateur. His father is a carpenter, and the three of us built our original store [also in Brooklyn]—the shelving, windows, everything. We moved to this location two years ago. We both love vibrant colors and an eclectic, global aesthetic. We sell eco-friendly furniture and work with artisans, local and abroad, to offer one-of-a-kind pieces—things you’ll want to hold on to forever: original paintings, handwoven rugs, artful pendants. I’m forever bringing stuff from the store back home and changing things up.” (All items shown throughout, unless specified, are vintage or available at shopthemansion.com.)

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ANYONE CAN HAVE A GALLERY When you’re not sure what to do with a big, blank wall space, an art display is an easy fix. Start with one piece you love and build out from there, with a mix of colorful and black-andwhite prints in a variety of frames. “I like to space each about two to three inches apart, but I scoot some up so they’re not all in straight lines,” says Mauri. Add a table and chair in the corner so it doesn’t feel like the display is just floating there.

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INTERPRET SERENITY ANY WAY YOU LIKE

EASIER THAN SCONCES Plug-in wall lamps just need to be mounted to the wall—no rewiring required. They free up precious nightstand space and look just as chic as sconces. (Find them at shop.one fortythree.com.)

Not every bedroom needs to be quiet and calm. “We wanted ours to be this cozy, luxurious, really happy spot, so we gave it a maximalist treatment with tons of layers,” says Mauri. “I had the rug first, then I pulled in the block-print bedding because of the blues. You can make a crazy combo like this work if there’s one color that unifies everything.”

MEALS INSPIRED BY ™ YOU. MADE WITH REAL INGREDIENTS YOU CAN PRONOUNCE

MADE WITH REAL GRILLED WHITE MEAT CHICKEN

SMARTMADE™ FROZEN MEALS BY

Delicious meals made like you make them, using cooking techniques like grilling and roasting—just like you do at home.

MADE WITH ROASTED CORN & RED PEPPERS FOR EXTRA FLAVOR

Quick Cooking 114, 131, 132, 134, 136, 137 Healthy Pick 118, 131 Freezable 139 Make Ahead 118, 139 Big Batch 114, 118, 139 Slow Cooker 118 One Pot 114 Vegetarian 137 Gluten-Free 114, 118, 131 Family Friendly 114, 118, 132, 134, 136

CARROT TOPS SAVE THEM! THE SLIGHTLY BITTER CARROT GREENS TASTE GREAT IN SALADS AND STIR-FRIES. CHOP OFF AND STORE SEPARATELY.

Photographs by

Greg DuPree Food Styling by

Margaret Monroe Dickey

S N AC K A B L E S E E D S

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY C L A I R E S P O L L E N

Unlike the chewy seeds in your jack-o’-lantern, pepitas lack shells, making them more tender. They grow in oil seed pumpkins.

JUICY DETAILS AN AVERAGE LEMON YIELDS 3 TABLESPOONS OF JUICE AND NEARLY 1 TABLESPOON OF LEMON ZEST—JUST ENOUGH FOR DRESSING THE CARROT AND KALE SALAD (PAGE 136).

DAILY TASTE

Go to realsimple .com/dailyrecipe to have new favorite recipes delivered to your inbox every day.

C O O K W I T H C OZ I Get this month’s easy dinners and other recipes in Cozi, a free meal-planning and organizing app from Time Inc., available on iTunes and Google Play.

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E A SY D I N N E R

1 Pan-seared tilapia with grapefruit-avocado salsa ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free Family Friendly

SERVES 4

2 medium red grapefruit 2 medium ripe avocados, diced

FO OD

1 medium shallot, thinly sliced ¼ cup roasted, salted pepitas ¼ cup cilantro leaves and tender stems ¼ cup olive oil, divided 1½ tsp. kosher salt, divided 1 tsp. black pepper, divided 4 6-oz. boneless, skinless tilapia fillets PEEL and segment grapefruit over a bowl, reserving juice. Gently combine grapefruit segments, avocados, shallot, pepitas, cilantro, 2 tablespoons reserved grapefruit juice, 2 tablespoons oil, ¾ teaspoon salt, and ½ teaspoon pepper in a medium bowl. HEAT 1 tablespoon oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high. Season tilapia with remaining ½ teaspoon pepper and ¾ teaspoon salt. Reduce heat to medium and cook 2 fillets until golden and just cooked through, about 3 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate; repeat with remaining 1 tablespoon oil and 2 fillets. Serve tilapia with grapefruit salsa. PER SERVING: 555 CALORIES, 35G FAT (6G SAT.), 85MG CHOL., 10G FIBER, 40G PRO., 27G CARB., 835MG SOD., 13G SUGAR

Recipes by Julia Levy

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Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free Family Friendly

E A SY D I N N E R

2 Spinach, bacon, and fried egg salad ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

SERVES 4

6 slices bacon, cut crosswise into ½-in. pieces 1 small baguette, torn into bite-size pieces 2 Tbsp. olive oil, divided FO OD

4 large eggs 3 Tbsp. buttermilk 2 Tbsp. sour cream 2 Tbsp. finely chopped fresh chives ½ tsp. black pepper ½ tsp. kosher salt 5 oz. baby spinach COOK bacon in a large nonstick skillet over medium, stirring occasionally, until crisp, 5 to 7 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to a paper towel– lined plate; reserve drippings in skillet. ADD baguette pieces to drippings and cook, tossing occasionally, until golden brown and crisp, 5 to 7 minutes; transfer to a bowl. ADD 1 tablespoon oil to skillet and increase heat to medium-high. Crack eggs into skillet and cook until whites are set, edges are crispy, and yolks are still runny, about 2 minutes. Transfer to a plate. COMBINE buttermilk, sour cream, chives, remaining 1 tablespoon oil, pepper, and salt in a small bowl. Divide dressing among plates; top with spinach, bacon, croutons, and eggs. PER SERVING: 401 CALORIES, 27G FAT (9G SAT.), 220MG CHOL., 2G FIBER, 17G PRO., 23G CARB., 844MG SOD., 2G SUGAR

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Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free Family Friendly

E A SY D I N N E R

3 Spicy beef and Broccolini stir-fry ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

SERVES 4

1 cup long-grain white rice 3 Tbsp. toasted sesame oil, divided 1¼ lb. flank steak, thinly sliced against the grain 1 lb. Broccolini, trimmed and cut into 2-in. pieces 1 small Fresno chile, thinly sliced crosswise, optional 3 cloves garlic, thinly sliced 1 cup beef broth FO OD

3 Tbsp. soy sauce 1½ Tbsp. light brown sugar 2 tsp. cornstarch COOK rice according to package directions. MEANWHILE, heat 1 tablespoon oil in a large skillet over high. Add beef and cook, tossing often, until only slightly pink, about 3 minutes. Transfer to a bowl. ADD Broccolini and remaining 2 tablespoons oil to skillet. Cover and cook, uncovering to toss halfway through, until bright green, about 4 minutes. Uncover and cook, stirring often, until tender and charred, about 2 minutes more. Add chile, if desired, and garlic; cook until softened and fragrant, about 1 minute. Transfer to another bowl. WHISK together broth, soy sauce, sugar, and cornstarch. Add to skillet and bring to a boil; cook until thickened and glossy, about 1 minute. Serve Broccolini and beef over rice, drizzled with sauce. PER SERVING: 430 CALORIES, 18G FAT (5G SAT.), 88MG CHOL., 2G FIBER, 38G PRO., 27G CARB., 915MG SOD., 8G SUGAR

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Turn your little one into a

Veggie-saurus Rex

Country Crock® Simply Sautéed Vegetables are ready to be devoured in just 12 minutes. Prep Time: 4 minutes

Cook Time: 8 minutes

Ingredients

Directions

3 tbsp. Country Crock®, divided 4 1/2 cups assorted cut-up fresh vegetables 1 small onion, chopped 1/2 tsp. dried Italian seasoning

MELT 2 tablespoons Country Crock® in skillet over medium-high heat. SAUTÉ vegetables, onion & Italian seasoning until veggies are crisp and tender. TOP with remaining tablespoon of Country Crock® and serve! Makes 4 servings.

CountryCrock.com

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free Family Friendly

E A SY D I N N E R

4 Crispy chicken cutlets with carrot and kale salad ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 25 MINUTES

SERVES 4

2 large eggs 2 Tbsp. Dijon mustard, divided 2 cups panko 4 4-oz. chicken cutlets 1 tsp. kosher salt, plus more to taste ¾ tsp. black pepper, plus more to taste ½ cup olive oil, divided 2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice

FO OD

1 carrot, peeled and shaved into ribbons 5 oz. lacinato kale, torn WHISK together eggs and 1 tablespoon mustard in a shallow dish. Place panko in another shallow dish. SEASON chicken with 1 teaspoon salt and ¾ teaspoon pepper. Dip cutlets in egg mixture, then dredge in panko, pressing to adhere. HEAT 2 tablespoons oil in a large skillet over medium. Add 2 cutlets and cook until golden brown and cooked through, about 4 minutes per side. Transfer to a paper towel–lined plate. Repeat with 2 tablespoons oil and remaining 2 cutlets. Cover with aluminum foil to keep warm. WHISK together lemon juice and remaining 1 tablespoon mustard and ¼ cup oil; season to taste with salt and pepper. Add carrot and kale; toss to coat. Serve salad with chicken. PER SERVING: 544 CALORIES, 32G FAT (5G SAT.), 158MG CHOL., 3G FIBER, 35G PRO., 28G CARB., 889MG SOD., 4G SUGAR

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E A SY D I N N E R

5 Gnocchi and sweet potatoes with hazelnuts ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free Family Friendly

SERVES 4

2 medium sweet potatoes, diced 4 Tbsp. cold, unsalted butter, divided 3 cloves garlic, sliced

FO OD

1 Tbsp. small, fresh sage leaves 1 16-oz. pkg. potato gnocchi ½ cup dry sherry 1 cup vegetable stock ½ tsp. kosher salt ½ tsp. black pepper ⅓ cup toasted, chopped hazelnuts BRING a large saucepan of salted water to a boil. Add sweet potatoes and cook until tender, about 8 minutes. Drain and set aside. MELT 1 tablespoon butter in a large skillet over medium-high. Add garlic and sage; cook until golden and fragrant, about 1 minute. Using a slotted spoon, transfer to a paper towel. Add gnocchi to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until golden, about 3 minutes. Add sherry and cook until reduced by half, about 2 minutes. Add stock, salt, and pepper and cook until reduced by half, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat. Add sweet potatoes and remaining 3 tablespoons butter, swirling until butter is melted. SERVE gnocchi topped with hazelnuts, garlic, and sage. PER SERVING: 512 CALORIES, 19G FAT (9G SAT.), 39MG CHOL., 7G FIBER, 11G PRO., 72G CARB., 1,268MG SOD., 13G SUGAR

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B I G B ATC H

Green pozole ACTIVE TIME 40 MINUTES

Recipe by Heath Goldman

TOTAL TIME 1 HOUR

SERVES 8

Photograph by Greg DuPree

Food Styling by Margaret Monroe Dickey

2 Tbsp. olive oil 8 skin-on, bone-in chicken thighs (about 3 lb.)

CAN’T FIND HOMINY?

SWAP IN 4 15-OUNCE CANS RINSED AND DRAINED CHICKPEAS.

2½ tsp. kosher salt, divided 2 tsp. black pepper, divided 2 medium onions, chopped 1 fresh chile (such as Fresno or jalapeño), sliced, plus more for serving 1 Tbsp. dried oregano 8 cups low-sodium chicken broth, divided 4 6-oz. cans whole green chiles, drained 2 cups fresh cilantro leaves and tender stems, plus more for serving 4 15-oz. cans hominy, rinsed Tortilla chips and lime wedges, for serving HEAT oil in a large pot over medium-high. Season chicken with 1 teaspoon salt and ½ teaspoon pepper. Working in batches, add chicken and cook until browned, 5 to 6 minutes per side. Transfer to a plate. REDUCE heat to medium. Add onions, fresh chile, oregano, and remaining 1½ teaspoons each salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until onions are soft, 6 to 8 minutes.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY C L A I R E S P O L L E N

HOW TO FREEZE

Cool soup completely. Pour into gallon-size freezer bags, filling halfway and squeezing out air. Seal and stack the bags in the freezer for up to 3 months. Thaw in the refrigerator overnight or in a bowl of cold water for 10 minutes. Reheat in a pot over medium until warmed through, 8 to 10 minutes. PER SERVING: 390 CALORIES, 13G FAT (3G SAT.),

74MG CHOL., 7G FIBER, 28G PRO., 39G CARB., 2,532MG SOD., 9G SUGAR

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ADD ½ cup broth; scrape brown bits from pot with a wooden spoon. Return chicken to pot along with remaining 7½ cups broth. Bring to a boil, cover, and reduce heat. Simmer until chicken is cooked through, 20 to 30 minutes; transfer chicken to a plate. When cool enough to handle, shred chicken into bite-size pieces with 2 forks. Return to soup (discard skin and bones). MEANWHILE, puree canned chiles and 2 cups cilantro in a blender until smooth. STIR chile puree and hominy into soup. Simmer until warmed, about 5 minutes. Serve topped with tortilla chips, cilantro, and sliced fresh chiles; place lime wedges on the side.

REALSIMPLE.COM

FO OD

ROA D T E ST

OUT OF THE BOX

TRANSFER GRANOLA TO AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER TO KEEP IT FRESH LONGER.

GRANOLA When it’s crunch time in the morning or snack time at your desk, it’s nice to have some granola squirreled away. Real Simple staffers sampled 187(!) varieties to find the best. Written by Heath Goldman

Photograph by Con Poulos

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realsimple

1 BEST OATS AND HONEY

2 BEST FOR HEALTH NUTS

Nature’s Path Chia Plus Coconut An organic cereal that’s packed with omega-3– rich chia seeds and dried coconut. Plus, the oat base is mixed with airy puffed rice, so it won’t leave you feeling weighed down. TO BUY: $3.30 for 12.3 ounces; at grocery stores.

O P P O S I T E PA G E : FO O D S T Y L I N G BY R E B E C C A J U R K E V I C H ; P R O P S T Y L I N G BY PA M E L A D U N C A N S I LV E R T H I S PA G E : P H O T O G R A P H BY R A L P H S M I T H ; P R O P S T Y L I N G BY M A R I A N A V E R A

3 BEST TO BUY IN BULK

Early Bird Foods & Co. Gets the Worm This fun pick (an allnatural gummy worm is buried in each bag, like an old-school cereal-box prize) is largely sold online. But the olive oil– oat mix is worth the wait. Roasted in tiny batches so that it’s extra crispy and fresh, it tastes exactly like homemade. TO BUY: $52 for six 12-ounce bags; earlybirdfoods.com. 4 BEST FOR KIDS

18 Rabbits Caramel Apple Jr. Organic Granola Cereal Little ones will gobble up this combo of brown rice crisps, sunflower seeds, and dried apple. Real caramel sweetens the deal but doesn’t add a whopping amount

ROAD TEST of sugar—a two-thirdscup serving has eight grams (less than most of the other winners have). TO BUY: $5 for eight ounces; at grocery stores.

5 BEST BERRY

Barbara’s Better Than Granola Dark Chocolate Cranberry Many options in this category use tough, freezedried berries. This medley of multigrain wheat squares, sliced almonds, and oats includes plump dried cranberries instead—plus 70 percent cacao dark chocolate curls. Bonus: It contains nearly double the protein of many other granolas on the market. TO BUY: $6 for 10 ounces; at grocery stores.

FO OD

Cascadian Farm Oats and Honey Bite-size clusters of organic oats stay crunchy in milk, even at the bottom of the cereal bowl. Unlike some overly sweet competitors, this pick has a honey-vanilla flavor balanced by sea salt. TO BUY: $4 for 16 ounces; at grocery stores.

6 BEST GLUTEN-FREE

Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free Honey Oat Forget mysterious ingredients and fillers that may or may not be wheat-free. This winner keeps it simple—with oats, brown rice flour, and brown sugar. Loose like muesli (meaning small clumps), it’s excellent in warmed milk. TO BUY: $5.70 for 12 ounces; at grocery stores. 7 BEST PEANUT BUTTER

Kind Peanut Butter Whole Grain Clusters Oats, quinoa, and amaranth are cooked in peanut oil, coated in peanut butter, and tossed with peanut halves. This high-protein pick is tasty topped off with sliced bananas. TO BUY: $9 for 11 ounces; at grocery stores.

5 4

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by invitation :: tipsntrends, inc :: 323-525-1700

FA M I LY A L L P H O T O G R A P H S F R O M T H E S E R I E S AC R O S S T H E TA B L E BY S T E P H E N D I R A D O ; S T E P H E N D I R A D O.C O M /A C R O S S -T H E-TA B L E

HOW TO LOVE THE HARD-TO-LOVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE You know who they are. The needy friend. The bothersome great-aunt. Teenagers (yours sometimes, everyone else’s all the time). These aren’t people you can cut out of your life. So how do you foster some affection for trying people? Start with these strategies. Written by Caroline Collins McKenzie Photographs by Stephen DiRado

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FA M I LY

This

YO U R MOTHERI N - L AW

is a story about love. But not the heart-eye-emoji, romantic kind of love (sorry, February). This is a story about how to love family and friends who are part of your life, for better or worse, but whom you don’t always like. “We all have different perspectives and needs. We’re bound to encounter people who are hard to form relationships with,” says Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, author of Loving Bravely. Sometimes those people are related to you—often, ahem, through marriage—and sometimes they’re thrust upon you (hello, child’s friend who seems to be a first-class meanie but whom your child inexplicably adores). In either case, it’s your job to grow, compromise, and learn to, yes, love, even if it’s in a small and temporary way. And it pays off: “Through cognitive reframing and the occasional heart-to-heart, it’s entirely possible to make long-lasting changes in a currently tenuous relationship,” says Kathryn J. Lively, PhD, a professor of sociology at Dartmouth College who focuses on emotion management. Here are seven common relationships, with advice on how to start—plus long-term ways to work on your happily ever after.

FEBRUARY 2017

who gave birth to your beloved spouse (that’s key!) but tries to get you to call her Mom and still criticizes everything from your shopping habits to your parenting— behind your back. HOW TO FAKE IT: “First, remember that this woman raised the person you love,” says Solomon. “Then consider what it would be like to have your baby all grown up and focused on someone else.” Shifting your perspective can help build empathy. “When you can empathize with someone, it’s easier to let criticism roll off your back,” says Solomon. Comedian and author Ali Wentworth, a mother of two who cre-

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ated and stars in the new Pop TV show Nightcap, offers this encouragement: “Think of yourself and your husband as a tag team, each taking on a mother-in-law. When you look at it that way, you start to realize that you might have it much better than your spouse. He has to deal with your mother.” HOW TO MAKE IT: “Positive reinforcement can go a long way toward exacting change in a person you see as negative,” says David Spiegel, MD, director of the Center on Stress and Health at Stanford University. To shift the dynamic with your mother-in-law, try this plan of attack: Whenever she says something nice—and yes, she eventually will—make a big deal about it with direct eye contact, a warm smile, and an enthusiastic “That’s so great to hear!” Likewise, remain neutral to negative feedback. “The key is to be consistent in your reaction,” says Spiegel. “Eventually, your response pattern will begin to shape her behavior. And when you’re less needled, you’re bound to feel more affection.” ALSO APPLIES TO: Your own meddling mother; a know-it-all brother; a condescending colleague.

who has always been a little needy, but now that you’re older and you both have your own lives—or perhaps she’s single and you have a toddler—it’s exhausting. HOW TO FAKE IT: Reshape how you spend time together—and take charge of the planning so that the schedule works for you, especially if the connection hinges on the fact that you have kids and she doesn’t. “When the time together is less of a logistical nightmare, you’re more likely to enjoy it,” says Rosanna Hertz, PhD, professor of sociology at Wellesley College. Suggest activities that have a clear beginning and end, such as a walk on a Tuesday morning or a movie on a Saturday afternoon. If it’s an old friend who simply has different expectations about how often you guys should talk, use technology to your advantage. Anna Sale, host of the WNYC Studios podcast Death, Sex, and Money (and a new mother), is a fan of the text check-in: “A quick text is an easy and rewarding way to stay connected to people I can’t devote as much time to as they—or I—would like.”

A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: THE PEOPLE DEPICTED IN THESE PHOTOGRAPHS (FROM STEPHEN DIRADO’S SERIES ACROSS THE TABLE) ARE NOT THE HARD-TO-LOVE ONES DESCRIBED IN THE STORY.

YO U R S P O U S E ’ S CHILDHOOD FRIEND who makes inappropriate jokes and seems to bring out the worst (or at least college-age) version of your husband. HOW TO FAKE IT: You don’t really have to. “Unless this person is a legitimate threat to your marriage— bringing substance abuse into the picture,

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FA M I LY

YO U R C H I L D H O O D FRIEND

HOW TO MAKE IT: “Old friends, even needy ones, are important to have around,” says Hertz. “They knew you when you were young and, because of that, are often some of the most loyal people in your life.” If the problem is that you’ve grown apart and you don’t have a lot in common anymore, don’t give up. Rekindle affection by playing the nostalgia card every once in a while. Look at old pictures over drinks. Do something you both used to love, whether it’s driving aimlessly while eating a Sonic Blast or getting tickets for your favorite band’s reunion tour. You’re likely to be flooded with good memories and affection for your bosom buddy. ALSO APPLIES TO: A sibling relationship with similar challenges. (You were BFFs as kids and have a different dynamic now.)

for example—this is a time to exercise letting go,” says Solomon. Start by asking a simple question: Do you need to be around when your husband spends time with this friend? Chances are, the answer is no. Removing yourself from direct contact may allow you to have a different perspective or realize that this friend is actually harmless. Your husband had a life before you; it’s healthy for him to reconnect to that from time to time. Look at it as an asset. “It’s a permission slip to enjoy your own free time,” says Solomon. HOW TO MAKE IT: Take a closer look at what’s going on if the advice above doesn’t help. “Is it really the friend you’re averse to? Or is the problem that when your hus-

REALSIMPLE.COM

band is with this friend, you’re left on your own with the kids?” says Hertz. Maybe this college friend reminds you of your husband’s college girlfriend he almost married, and it resurrects old hang-ups. It may be that talking about the underlying problem— needing more help with the kids, harboring old jealousies—softens your hard feelings toward the bromance and strengthens your marriage communication skills, too. ALSO APPLIES TO: Your good friend’s new friend— um, when did Friend 1 start liking sake? You both hate sake!—who is suddenly tagging along to everything.

YO U R G R E ATAU N T who always calls at the worst time and wants to talk for an hour. You know she’s lonely, but you can’t help (guiltily) not picking up. HOW TO FAKE IT: Set boundaries right off the bat. “Begin each conversation with a simple ‘So good to hear from you! I only have 15 minutes, but it’s wonderful to hear your voice,’” says Lively. There may also be ways to make your aunt feel valued that aren’t sprung

YOU R BROT H E R’S NEW WIFE

on you like her phone calls. “Maybe your aunt collects thimbles, and you mail her one every time you spot one at a flea market,” says Lively. Send her bundles of your kids’ artwork or, if she’s technologically inclined, e-mail a video of the children saying, “Have a great day, Aunt Ruth!” Speaking of kids, Wentworth takes this lighthearted approach to phone calls from longwinded relatives: “Put your kindergartner on the phone! They’ll be more than happy to talk for a few hours.” HOW TO MAKE IT: Have compassion. Your aunt isn’t calling to irritate you. “Reframe your per-

spective: She’s isolated, not irksome,” says Lively. And see it as a service— you are communing with your elders and living with integrity and intention, says Solomon. “Give yourself a pat on the back! If the call becomes something you take pride in, it can become something you enjoy more,” she says. ALSO APPLIES TO: Your hard-to-relate-to fatherin-law; the widowed next-door neighbor who loves to chat in the driveway.

who is constantly nagging and is all wrong for him (based on sister intuition, obviously). HOW TO FAKE IT: Experts agree—tread lightly in matters that involve someone else’s love life. Though tempting, it’s not your place to exert control over your brother’s relationship. Instead, on the next double date, “recast negative as positive,” says Lively. When your sister-in-law gripes about your brother’s long hours, tell yourself, “She’s saying this because she loves her husband and is worried he is exhausted.” You can even take it one step further and create a mini mantra that simultaneously helps you feel more positive and your sister-in-law feel heard. When she complains, you respond, “That must be hard,” says Lively. With that small encouragement, it’s possible that, over time, she may become less negative and more pleasant to be around. HOW TO MAKE IT: Have a one-time conversation with your brother—but full of questions, not accusations. Ask him to shed light on what he

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loves about his wife so you can appreciate things that aren’t immediately apparent to you (like behind-the-scenes ways she is supporting his career), says Lively. Slowly reframing your view can lead to genuine affection down the road. ALSO APPLIES TO: Your best friend’s new beau.

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YO U R 6 -Y E A R - O L D ’ S BEST FRIEND who is obnoxious and, ugh, attached at the hip to your first grader. HOW TO FAKE IT: Try avoidance. If possible, keep the child off your turf. Assuming the kid is just annoying (i.e., not a bully), “let your child spend all the time she wants at the friend’s house. I take myself out of it,” says Wentworth. HOW TO MAKE IT: Children view the world differently than adults. Use a tactic similar to the one with your brother (see left) and find out why your child is drawn to this friend. “Ask, ‘What

do you like about Jack? Why do you like him more than Sarah or Matthew?’” says Hertz. You may find out that where you see “mischievous,” your son sees “imaginative.” The insight can cast a better light on a vexing child. ALSO APPLIES TO: Your tween’s—gulp—new love interest (though you may want that one on your turf, and in your sights, occasionally).

who are really hard to figure out, even when they’re yours. HOW TO FAKE IT: Don’t try to be cool, says Ernesto R. Escoto, director of the University of Florida’s Counseling & Wellness Center. Just be a constant. “It’s important to maintain a calm, level demeanor regardless of their mood swings or changing opinions,” he says. In the heat of the moment, remind yourself of two things: The teen years won’t last forever. And if you think you’re uncomfortable, they are doubly so. HOW TO MAKE IT: “Think of a teenager as a wet bar of soap,” says Escoto. “If your contact is too light, it will slip out. If you apply too much pressure, it will do the same.” The only way to truly handle teens, he explains, is to spend enough time with them to understand what works with their personality. That is to say, loving them well means giving them their space but not shutting them out completely. They need you more than they would ever admit. ALSO APPLIES TO: Your hotheaded boss. Q

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Articles inside

Green pozole

See how design experts Mauri Weakley and Ben Heemskerk make bold prints work in their home

5 EASY DINNERS

Delicious pork recipes

Granola

Four couples share their love stories

AHHH

life stage

cover letter?

Estée Lauder

Writer Daphne Merkin finds a second home at her neighbors’

Getting your kid to write thank-you notes and other etiquette matters

Lapis blue

products

Your vexing pet questions, answered

How to comfort a grieving loved one

Secrets to smoother, healthier hands

book picks

Utility closet

What did your parents teach you about love?

Smart solutions for life’s little disasters

Mason jar lids

every room

your life

EDITOR’S NOTE