Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO U R S O CI AL QUANDAR I E S.
If I bring a nice bottle of wine or liquor or a fancy box of chocolates to a dinner party, I understand that the host isn’t obligated to serve it. Maybe she has plenty of alcohol or has already made dessert. But if I really want to drink or eat what I brought, is there a nice way to ask her to open it? Or do I just have to let her do as she pleases?
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
R.W.
You’re right that this is not your call. A gift is a gift, despite your own eagerness or curiosity. That said, what is appropriate to ask depends on the kind of relationship that you have with the host. I think that enthusiasm is a valuable asset in social situations, even if it entails a slight lapse in formal etiquette. I am famous for saying to close friends things like “Can I unwrap the Humboldt Fog I brought? I was in a cheese excitement all the way over!” I do always add, “If you were going to save it, that’s totally fine,” but people tend to happily indulge me. If I were at my boss’s house, though, I might not inquire about digging into the fancy truffles I had given her. Likewise, at a large party, the host probably has enough to manage without my bugging her to open the Pinot Noir, even if I am dying to taste it.
SEPTEMBER 2016
49
About Catherine The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
REALSIMPLE.COM
My son’s sixth birthday is coming up. We are having a party and inviting his class, his baseball team, and a few cousins. He has lots of toys and doesn’t need any more. I know that asking for cash is tacky. But since it is customary for people to bring gifts, I thought it would be convenient for us and cheaper for the guests to just give him a $5 bill instead of a toy that would not be used. The money would go into his piggy bank. I’m not sure how to word this without sounding awful, though. I don’t want to offend anyone, but it would be cheaper than a $20 toy that we don’t have room for. Can you help? M. A.
I support you completely—my kids have never needed more toys, either—but only in theory. Because it would indeed be tacky to ask for cash. This is not a wedding or a Bar Mitzvah, where money is a customary gift. It’s a child’s birthday party. And while you could certainly ask for a charitable donation or “no gifts” without raising eyebrows, trolling for cold, hard cash may rub people the wrong way. Here’s an idea: What if you framed the request as a contribution toward a longed-for experience? “No gifts, please. Our son is trying to save up for Red Sox tickets, though, and if your child put $5 into the Ticket Fund jar at the party, he would be so grateful! (No pressure—what we want most is to celebrate with you!)” Then his thank-you cards could include a picture of him enjoying the game— instead of an obligatory note about yet another tchotchke.
