Out of the picture

D e d i c a t e d t o my d a d

4.

Out of the picture M y f a t h e r g o t f i r e d . D e l e t e d f ro m t h e c o m p a ny h e d e d i c a t e d h i s t i m e t o fo r t we n t y p l u s ye a r s o f s e r v i c e . H e ’s f i f t y - s o m e t h i n g. F r u s t r a t e d f e e l i n g s of failure and uselessness.

To f i n d p e a c e w i t h t h e s i t u a t i o n a n d t o r e s t o r e h i s s e l f - e s t e e m h e d e c i d e s t o t a ke a s e l f i m p o s e d l e a ve o f a b s e n c e . Away f ro m h o m e, f a m i l y, f r i e n d s a n d b u s i n e s s r e l a t i o n s . O u t o f t h e p i c t u r e fo r a w h i l e . Two m o n t h s B a l i i n s e c l u s i o n t o t h i n k m a t t e r s o ve r, t o p u t t h i n g s i n t o p e r s p e c t i ve ; a t i m e t o ge t i n s p i r e d a n d f i n d n ew e n e r gy. ‘ O u t o f t h e p i c t u r e ’ s ke t c h e s t h e m o n t h s t h a t h e wa s a way s e a r c h i n g fo r a n s we r s .

I b e l i e ve i t t a ke s g u t s a n d a n u n c o n d i t i o n a l t r u s t o f my m o m a n d d a d i n e a c h o t h e r t h a t – n o m a t t e r t h e m i s fo r t u n e – t h e w i l l t o s u r v i ve w i l l r e s u l t i n s o m e t h i n g p o s i t i ve . I b e l i e ve a nyo n e c a n ge t b a c k i n t o t h e p i c t u r e – w h a t e ve r p i c t u r e yo u c h o o s e t o b e i n – a s l o n g a s yo u p u r s u e yo u r ow n va l u e s, a n d h a ve t h e s u p p o r t o f t h o s e t h a t l o ve yo u .

S i m o n e E n ge l e n

8.

- - - - - O r i g i n a l M e s s a ge - - - - F ro m : J o s E n ge l e n To : S i m o n e E n ge l e n S e n t : Tu e s d ay, O c t o b e r 1 3 , 2 0 0 9 1 3 : 2 5 P M Subject: Bali 3 [...]

I ’ m ge t t i n g u s e d t o a n s we r t h e q u e s t i o n w hy I c a m e h e r e . ‘ I ’ m wo r k i n g o n a s t o r y a n d wa s l o o k i n g fo r a q u i e t a n d i n s p i r a t i o n a l p l a c e a way f ro m h o m e ’ , w h i c h o f c o u r s e i s t r u e, b u t o n l y p a r t i a l l y. I f i n d t h i s r e p l y h e l p f u l l i n a vo i d i n g t h e u s u a l s m a l l t a l k yo u ’ l l e n c o u n t e r a l l o ve r t h e wo r l d w h e n m e e t i n g f e l l ow t r a ve l l e r s, wa i t e r s, c a b d r i ve r s a n d o t h e r p e o p l e t h a t a r e n o t ge n u i n l y i n t e r e s t e d i n m e o r my q u e s t .

G r a n t e d , i t i s a b i t u n u s u a l t o c h o o s e t o s t ay i n a d r y, d e s e r t e d a r e a fo r a m o n t h , w h i l e m o s t of Bali has so muc h natural and cultural beauty t o e n j oy. B u t b e c a u s e t h i s u n d e ve l o p p e d p a r t of the north-eastern coastline is lacking all the usual places of interest, I’m not at all tempted t o g o a ny w h e r e b u t u p a n d d ow n t h e b e a c h e a c h m o r n i n g a n d wa n d e r a b o u t my ow n s o u l .

S o m e h ow i t f e e l s l i ke t h e p e r f e c t p l a c e t o t a ke a n e c e s s a r y n ex t s t e p.

A n d e ve n i f my s t ay h e r e d o e s n’ t p ro d u c e a l l t h e a n s we r s I ’ m l o o k i n g fo r – I ’ m c e r t a i n i t wo n’ t – I s t i l l b e l i e ve t h a t i t w i l l b e h e r e t h a t I c a n f i n d some peace.

T h e r e s t o f my l i f e s t a r t s t o d ay.

- - - - - O r i g i n a l M e s s a ge - - - - F ro m : J o s E n ge l e n To : S i m o n e E n ge l e n S e n t : T h u r s d ay, N o ve m b e r 2 6 , 2 0 0 9 1 2 : 1 6 P M Subject: Bali 32 [...]

W hy d i d I c a r e s o m u c h ? W hy d i d I wo r r y s o m u c h ? D o e s b e i n g a n o n - g r a d u a t e ex p l a i n t h e e ve r p r e s e n t s e n s e o f i n s e c u r i t y ? I s s h ow i n g i n vo l ve m e n t p ro o f o f c o m m i t m e n t ? I s wo r k i n g o ve r t i m e, t i m e a f t e r t i m e, t r u e d e d i c a t i o n ?

I s i t m ay b e b e c a u s e e a c h o f u s n e e d s t o b e n e e d e d ? To b e n e c e s s a r y, m ay b e e ve n – w h a t wa s I t h i n k i n g – i r r e p l a c e a b l e . O n e s h o u l d m a t t e r, n o m a t t e r h ow s m a l l o r i n s i g n i f i c a n t t h e p a r t o n e p l ay s . I t g i ve s u s t h e ve r y r e a s o n fo r ex i s t e n c e .

I ’ ve b e e n t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h i s fo r a w h i l e n ow.

I t ’s f r u s t r a t i n g a n d s o b e r i n g t o f i n d t h a t , a f t e r s e ve r a l d e c a d e s o f l a b o u r, a l m o s t a l l I h a ve a c c o m p l i s h e d h a s b e c o m e vo i d . O n c e yo u ’ r e o u t o f t h e p i c t u r e yo u r a c h i e ve m e n t s d i s a p p e a r i n t h a t a l l c o n s u m i n g vo r t ex o f a f a s t m o v i n g b u s i n e s s wo r l d .