April 2011 by Lassiter High School

the

laureate

inside

April 2011

news

a student publication of

Lassiter High School

Hats Off!

Congratulations to prom king and queen Eli Long and Charlotte Gwynn. You deserve it!

volume XXVIII: issue five

What’s Happening? 4/4-8 Spring Break 4/11 Girls golf vs. Sprayberry 4/14 Cheerleading tryouts 4/15 PAC student forum 4/20 Academic Pep Rally

MUN takes dc

Losing

a&e

HOPE?

Baseball team set to go far

2 3 4-5 6-7 jff 8 sports 10 in the wry 11 centerspread 12 news features editorials a&e

40%

$#*&

20%

#$*

Percent of tuition covered for GPA between 3.0 and 3.7 austin hayes

Worried

Many students like Adison Picchi, 11, are concerned about the new changes made to the HOPE scholarship.

samantha weissert staff writer

sports

sometimes

%*^$!

By the numbers

dances with the stars

Are you smarter than an 8th grader?

yes

40%

HOPE scholarship:

Taylor Bradley

jff

Do your parents allow you to curse?

Since its inception in 1993, the HOPE Scholarship (Helping Outstanding Pupils Educationally) has provided over 3 billion dollars to more than 900,000 students. This scholarship program is funded entirely by revenue from the Georgia Lottery. However, changes to the HOPE scholarship were signed into law on March 8. This affects not only those attending a university, but also students at Lassiter who have to step up their game in order to attain the scholarship when they graduate. The state has raised the bar when it comes to requirements. Students who graduate with a 3.0 to 3.7 GPA will receive the equivalent of 90% of the current tuition. However, students must also maintain this GPA once they start college. Students who enter college with a 3.7 GPA and at least a 1200 SAT will be granted a Zell Miller Scholarship which covers 100% of tuition. Both these percentages are related to the current tuition. If tuition goes up, students will have to pay the difference. Kendal Smith, 10, commented, “This doesn’t really pertain to me because I still meet all of the

requirements to get full tuition.” Also new, the scholarship will not cover any mandatory fees and books. These changes go into effect this fall. This is not the first time the scholarship has been changed. When it began, it covered two years of tuition. In 1994, it expanded to four years and included a $100 book allowance per semester. Starting in 1996, it was required that the class of 2000 would have to earn a B average in the core classes of English, math, social studies, foreign language, and science in order to qualify for HOPE upon graduation. Also, the $100,000 family income cap was abolished in 1995. Governor Deal commented on the changes, “An investment now will ensure economic prosperity for our state in the future.” Every LHS student is affected because these new changes go into effect this fall. Students must now maintain a higher GPA if they are still hoping to receive a full tuition scholarship from HOPE. Connor Diaz, 11, confessed, “I should really try to bring up my GPA now.” From looking at the history of the HOPE scholarship, the Georgia Congress is quick to change certain aspects of the program and they do it often. So, be prepared for more changes in the future.

3.7

GPA required to receive full tuition

1200

SAT score needed with 3.7 GPA to receive full tuition

9,548

Number of students in 1994 who received HOPE

88,000

Number of students in 2010 who received HOPE

lhs news

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(M)UN-beatable

Lassiter’s Model UN ends the year with a number of great accomplishments skye rubel editor-in-chief At the latest Model UN competition at Kennesaw State University, Lassiter was extremely successful. Out of the ten delegates who won, five of them were from LHS. The Model UN club has had a number of other victories as well. At their conference at Georgetown University in Washington DC, Megan Edwards, Sarah Murphy, and Matthew Trillby-Basset were given a verbal commendation for their delegation’s resolution. Megan Edwards, 12, commented, “I was so surprised we received an honorable mention because there were around 3,000 people at the conference. It felt beyond amazing to be recognized for our hard work.” Of the many people attending, there were even delegates from China and Europe. Though many students have heard of Model UN, few actually know what it is. This club is a simulation of the United Nations where the stu-

dents act as ambassadors for certain countries. Katherine Marchand, 12, explained, “Model UN is an organization that allows students to understand what truly happens in the United Nations.” They focus on political, social, and financial concerns that the UN would really deal with. The MUN meetings at school consist of gathering with group members to discuss strategy and have mock debates. It is hard work but members say they enjoy it. Claire Bilkert, 12, one of the officers, enthusiastically stated, “As embarrassing as this sounds, I love Model UN a little too much!” This organization is the strongest it has been in a while thanks to the advisor, Mr. Minich, and the incredible club members. Though MUN is doing very well, some members are worried that once the seniors leave there will not be enough people to survive. Stephen Robin, 12, another officer, commented, “We had an extremely strong senior class. We really need more underclassmen to keep the integrity of Lassiter’s Model UN.”

annabel edwards

Triumph

Model UN members hold up their trophy with great pride.

Disaster in Japan

laura brink staff writer

On March 11, 2011 Japan was devastated by earthquakes, aftershocks, and a tsunami. National Geographic’s 20 Unforgettable Pictures tell it all. The 9.0 earthquake and the four other earthquakes that accompanied it crumbled the cities of Sendai and Minamisanriku. Japan’s main island of Honshu was knocked significant lengths to the west. Victims of this massive natural homicide have drowned, been entombed in mud, buried alive, and literally swept out to sea according to The Daily Mail. “The scale of that earthquake is unbelievable. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I watched the videos,” said Jack Bentley, 10. Besides the death toll, one of the biggest concerns is that of a second Chernobyl. When asked about the nuclear aspect of the situation, environmental science teacher Mrs. Stathas was in a state of shock. She commented, “I am very concerned for the people of Japan and the rest

of the world.” Japanese nuclear plants have been smashed by the rattling earth and down pour from the ocean waves. Fukushima power plant employees discovered that the radiation from their plant could potentially be harmful to human health. The pre-set evacuation zones were re-evacuated to keep survivors away from the dangers of radiation. As of March 21, the death toll in Japan has reached over 18,000 people; however, it is estimated that in the combination of the earthquakes and shoreline tsunami significantly more Japanese citizens have lost their lives. Hundreds of thousands of people have been either displaced or evacuated which is a positive step in the recovery efforts. The earthquakes are some of the five largest ever recorded and the tsunami has washed away so much life. The world is pulling together to assist this devastated country and prevent any radioactivity to harm the environment and the people. With the aid of the world, Japan can and will recover.

lhs features

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skye rubel/ eic

Making final decisions on college is hard but choosing a roommate can be even more difficult. Though students often have high hopes for their first year, it seems like every adult has a horror story about one of their freshman roommates. Luckily for our generation, finding someone to live with is much easier than in the past. Today, the most helpful resource students have is the computer. Through websites like roomsurf.com, collegeroommates.net, and campusroommates.com, teens can take surveys to find their ideal match. These surveys ask about study habits, neat-

ness, and social life. Many colleges also have roommate matching sites through their own website. For example, the University of Georgia has the “Dawg House” where every student makes a profile and can correspond with other people. Aside from roommate specific websites, Facebook is another great resource. Through the class of 2015 groups, students can look through prospective roommates’ profiles to see pictures, their taste in music, and how they correspond with others. Jake Schaffer, 12, commented, “Facebook gives me a pretty good idea about who the person really is.” While searching for a room-

mate, there are a number of things to consider. No matter how much you like a person, you may hate living in the same dorm as them. Before committing to anyone, make sure you have similar study habits. If you need complete silence while you study and your roommate needs to have music playing, the relationship will not work. If you are set on partying often and joining a sorority or fraternity, you should not room with someone who never wants to leave the room. Other important things to consider include bed time, neatness, and political views. Once you start corresponding with potential roommates, do not rely

solely on the computer. If you get a positive vibe from anyone, suggest meeting for coffee or lunch. This may seem awkward at first but it will give you a good feel for the person. If they live too far, talk on the phone or try video chatting. This is important because, oftentimes, people portray themselves differently on the internet than they do in person. Finding a compatible roommate is one of the many exciting aspects about going to college. Because of the internet and certain expectations, roommate horror stories are now a thing of the past.

lhs editorials

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Defense of LHS grading system

The Laureate Staff 2010-2011

to succeed. I’m sure that most of you remember your 1st grade teacher rewarding you with stars, rockets, stickers, or other extrinsic rewards for doing your homework, reading a certain number of books, or doing the right thing. The nature of extrinsic motivation is that rewards are given for doing a desired behavior. So if you study, you get an A. If you read, you pass the test. If you do what you’re supposed to do, you get a high 5 or a sticker. And the nature of intrinsic motivation? You get your reward by loving the activity. It’s fun to lie in the sun and feel the warmth on your face. No one needs to give you anything to help you enjoy it. It’s fun to sing. I do it even when someone tells me to shut up. It’s fun to sleep. I don’t need any rewards to help me enjoy it. But is it fun to learn calculus? Is it fun to learn the nature of literary devices? If you ask people who have conquered difficult learning tasks, they don’t usually report that the process was enjoyable. The process is hard work, so extrinsic motivators are necessary to keep them going. Rewards are crucial if the task is difficult and not rewarding in itself. Without A’s, we stop at easy learning. I have a college textbook in my bookcase that I really want to read and master. It’s called “Cognitive Neuroscience,” and I took it home with me last summer because I decided that I wanted to learn more about the brain and its functioning. I started in Chapter 1 and made it through one page. Then I realized that the book was im-

Editors-in-Chief

mrs.nelsen guest writer

In last month’s Laureate, Skye Rubel wrote an article talking about the value of intrinsic motivation in helping students learn. If I’m reading the article correctly, teachers should trash their grade books and give everyone A’s so that students can finally experience the joy of learning. I’m sure most students would agree. Skye’s claim is that the atmosphere of Coach Wright’s gifted religion class stimulates her intrinsic motivation to learn because it’s fun. In this class, the pressure for grades is off, so students can experience true enjoyment in learning. Skye cites the value of intrinsic motivation in creating personal satisfaction because intrinsic motivation means that you do something because you enjoy it. It’s contrasted with extrinsic motivation in which people are rewarded for doing a desired behavior. So is it possible that Lassiter teachers could throw away their grade books and watch students learn? Would school turn into a magic place where everyone chased knowledge because it fulfilled them? Clearly most schools believe that extrinsic motivation promotes learning. We employ all kinds of extrinsic motivators to encourage students

possible to understand. I knew that I would have to take notes, study them, and then study them some more, and then study them some more, and then study them some more in order to begin to learn the material. I stopped after one page. Why? Not because I wasn’t interested – I was. And not because I didn’t want to learn it – I did. I stopped because I needed a class with tests and the possibility of an A to get me to continue pursuing this seemingly impossible task. Without grades, I stopped when the going got tough. Without grades, we are shallow learners. Without grades and challenge, we take the easy road. Would school be more fun without grades? Absolutely. But would we push ourselves to learn more than we thought we could? No way. As a child, I loved to read. Left to choose, I would have spent my entire day reading. But school rewarded me for doing other things – math, science, PE. And I was forced to expand my interests. Was it fun at the beginning? NO. But was it worth it in the end? YES, because I had become a more diverse thinker and had developed some academic discipline. So be thankful for grades. They are the only way that you’ll have the motivation to climb those impossible learning mountains.

Skye Rubel Cory Shaw

News Editor Annabel Edwards

Editorials Editor Natalie Kieta

A&E Editor Katie Hayes

JFF Editor Julia Regeski

Centerspread Editor Mary Ann Staak

Features Editor Lindsay Hopkins

Comedy Editor Tyler Molinaro

Sports Editor Jack Herman

Staff Writers

Laura Brink Jeff Ciesielski Vince Gonzalez Austin Hayes Will Morris Colleen Purdy Renee Puvvada Samantha Weissert

Advisor Mr. Todd Henry

jeff

The ignorance of cursing

ciesielski I am sick and #$&*! tired of all the cursing that goes on with all of the #@s* students here at Lassiter. People don’t understand that when they cuss they just sound like an ignorant piece of %!& whose stupid #$% can’t come up with any more advanced vocabulary to use. If you were to walk around the halls of Lassiter and listen to all of the &*#% conversations, what you would be hearing is a &%*$ of words that would make your grandmother

!^&$%*(#@?$#^?*%@! cringe. What is the cause of all of this *!%n offensive language? It’s pretty @#$^ hard to tell. Maybe it would be the offensive lyrics in popular songs nowadays. Maybe it’s the &!*& shows like South Park and Jersey Shore that make cursing appear to be okay. Well it’s not *&^$% okay!! Sometimes it is okay to cuss, but not all the &!@ time! For example, if you’re trying to win an argument and all you say is “*&%^$ you,”

that doesn’t do anything. But don’t completely !@$*& stop all the cussing; these select words are a special part of our English language and it’s always nice to have a few f-bombs in the arsenal for when you really need to bring out that %$*#. Just use these few select words more sporadically because they’ve been used so $%*&^ much that there is nothing significant about them anymore. C’mon people... let’s try to act like *&^%$ classy people.

The Laureate is a student publication of Lassiter High School; a member of the Georgia Scholastic Press Association. Editorials reflect the opinions of individual writers and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Lassiter High School, Cobb County Schools, or their administrators. Financial support for The Laureate is obtained through advertising and subscription sales, and generous patron contributions.

Lassiter High School 2601 Shallowford Road Marietta, Georgia 30066 (678) 494-7863 lhspress@gmail.com issuu.com/lhspress

lhs editorials

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Westboro Baptist Church provokes uproar julia

regeski Freedom of speech is a concept simple enough, especially to those fortunate enough to not have any reason to question it. But the country should. The defenders of all that this country stands for are being mocked and ridiculed, and in a place deserving of respect. The Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas may not sound like much of a threat, but this little church has caused America to question some of its core constitutional values. Led by preacher Fred Phelps, this Kansas religious group is known for staging over 20,000 protests across the country, primarily against Jewish and gay people. They believe in predestination where God chooses who will go to Heaven or Hell after death prior to birth. Their goal is to spread this message, not to try and change anyone’s ways. If a member of the

church questions anything, they’re beautiful, and the fact that America lar to them. Those people deserve a kicked out, even if they are the con- promotes and tolerates this proves right to voice their opinion, just as evgregation’s own sons and daughters. that our country truly is full of majesty. eryone else deserves a right to voice But when the church ventures out- That being said, this freedom must ap- against them. It’s unfair to limit them side, a problem is presented. ply to all. No one has the right to for- based on their beliefs. Even if limits were placed, they could This church not be enforced or justihas been observed fied. If disrespectful propicketing at militests were banned from tary veteran’s funearby churches, where nerals, bearing would the line be drawn signs such as “God for future protests? The hates fags,” and government would just “Thank God for keep banning people no dead soldiers.” matter where they voiced Their reasoning? their opinion. America’s soldiers I’m not defending this deserve to die beabhorrent institution, but cause this nation is I AM defending one of too tolerant of hoAmerica’s greatest idemosexuals. Their als. It’s a burden we’re all cruelty and inhumorrisonworldnes.com forced to bear. We may manity cannot be not want to hear what stopped, however, Extreme Starting at a young age, a child engages in protest to support the church and its views.. they have to say, but as a because of AmerSupreme Court represenica’s glorious freedom. These people have every right to bid the voicing of one’s opinions, no tative stated, “Speech is powerful. It voice their opinions through insult, as matter how controversial they might can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and there is no such rule against it. Laws be. set in stone since the founding of the The government cannot rule – as it did here – inflict great pain. On country even encourage it. against the Westboro Baptist Church. the facts before us, we cannot react to Freedom of speech is beauti- They should not even consider placing that pain by punishing the speaker.” ful. I believe freedom in any form is limits on this group and others simi-

Steering through the traffic of the halls natalie

kieta

To some, driving is simply a bother or a time spent dealing with traffic. In reality, it is an art. Everyone has their own driving style and personality. There are those audacious drivers that insist on going 65 when the speed limit is strictly imposed at 45. It seems like nothing can get in their way as they zoom on by. Then there is always the occasional snail that seems to inch along and makes you scream “By all means, it’s your world... I’m only living in it!” Next, there are the weavers. They must live their lives by the motto “the grass is always greener on the other side” because as soon as they make their way into a lane, the other one seems more appealing. Lastly, a scenario that I commonly find myself in is driving behind those two siamese-twin drivers. You know, the ones that are precisely side by side

and create a blockade impossible to escape? It seems the Lassiter student body, even those who don’t yet have their license, has allowed their driving style to transcend into their walking habits. I would like to preface this article by saying that I appreciate each and every one of your contributions to the flow of traffic in the halls of Lassiter High School; it certainly makes things interesting. However, with that being said, we’ve all got places to be! And with only 6 minutes in between classes, we’ve got to make the most of it. Choosing the quickest route to get from class to class consists not only of finding the shortest distance between the two classes, but also about finding an area of minimal traffic or at least one where the people have some sort of motivation in their step. I will admit that I fit whole-heartedly into the category of speed-walkers. I apologize to you if I have, in my haste, bumped into you or zoomed past without saying hello (yes, people are a blur when you’re traveling at the speed of light.) The only thing I

have to say to you slow walkers is this: there is a place for strolls... the beach! Sometimes even the most determined weavers can’t get past you. Believe me, these weavers will attempt to pass you by moving from side to side but oftentimes, they just won’t be able to get around you. And now for the worst scenario of all: the couples that refuse to let go. I really am tickled by the fact that you can hold hands. Really, I am. Holding hands can be adorable and in fact, often is. But we’re not playing Red Rover here. If someone needs to get by, unlace your fingers for three seconds and let them through! It’s far more awkward than to make them back up and go around you. Accidents happen. The kid carrying thirty pounds of books doesn’t have to end up on the floor, searching for his glasses. I leave you with these words of advice: speedwalkers... slow down; turtles... stay to the side; weavers... stay in your lane; hand-holding couples... learn to manage your separation anxiety. Let us make coexisting in the hallways a reality.

annabel edwards

Strollin’

Josh Sides, 11, strolls to class, late pass in hand.

lhs a&e vince gonzalez staff writer Every June in Manchester, Tennessee, thousands of people come together to enjoy one of the largest music and arts festivals in the world. Lasting four days, Bonnaroo is a one of a kind experience that brings people together from all over the country. With comedy performances, an onsite cinema, and some of the biggest stars in the music industry, Bonnaroo has something for everyone. Adding to an already impressive resume, Bonnaroo recently found itself in the top 50 of Rolling Stone’s events that changed the history of Rock and Roll. Those new to the experience of Bonnaroo may not know what to expect. Lassiter junior Nick Rodgers however has attended the music festival twice and shared his past experiences. “It was very memorable. I went into it with a vague idea of what would happen but was completely caught off guard by how amazing it was.” Patrons of the festival have the option of renting a hotel room, bringing an RV, or the most popular choice, camping in a tent. The festival will provide a tent for a small fee, but almost everyone brings their own. “The tent definitely completed the full experience for me,” remarked Nick. Worried about how you will keep up that outstanding per-

sonal hygiene? Never fear, Bonnaroo provides washrooms complete with showers and bathrooms open to the public. There are also a number of restaurants and general stores to make the festival that much more comfortable. “The lineup is what attracted me to Bonnaroo,” commented Connor Diaz. Connor will be making the trip to Bonnaroo this year for the first time and is very excited to see some of his favorite performers. With past performances by Dave Matthews Band, Weezer, Jay-Z and Kid Cudi, Bonnaroo looks once again to impress audiences with past Grammy winners and rising stars. Just a few names from this year’s lineup include Eminem, Wiz Khalifa, Mumford and Sons, Neon Trees, Bassnectar, and Lil’ Wayne. “I’m most excited to see Wiz Khalifa,” stated Connor, “I’ve been listening to him for years.” Not a music fan? No problem. Bonnaroo boasts an impressive comedy theatre that has seen stand up routines from Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon. Bonnaroo is a great experience. What a way to spend summer vacation: making memories and friends that will last a lifetime. When looking back on his past Bonnaroo experiences Nick remarked, “I will never forget the amazing days I’ve spent in Manchester, Tennessee.”

Some of the Bonnaroo artists

String Cheese Incident

Chiddy Bang

Eminem

page

skye rubel

LHS top 10 1 6 7 2 3 8 4 9 5 10 Friday Rebecca Black

Mumford & Sons

Neon Trees

Look at Me Now Chris Brown

E.T. (feat. Kanye West) Katy Perry

Rolling in the Deep Adele

Next to You (ft. Justin Timberlake) Chris Brown

Bassnectar

Lil Wayne

Jimmy Falon

Blow Ke$ha

No Sleep Wiz Khalifa

Prom Night Rebecca Black

Wiz Khalifa

S&M Rihanna

Backseat New Boyz

katie hayes/a&e editor

lhs a&e

Dancing to stardom

katie hayes a&e editor

To many of you he is just the voice behind the morning announcements, but, in reality, Taylor Bradley is much more. Taylor has been a part of a couple of movies this past year and he recently arrived back in East Cobb after filming his latest, “Cinderella Story 3: Once Upon a Song.” The movie was produced by Warner Productions and is an ABC Family Original Movie. Taylor booked his audition for the film in early January. Out of the 80 guys that auditioned, Taylor was one of four dancers chosen. He left Sunday the 28th and drove to North Carolina to stay for three weeks. There were originally 20 dancers(four guys and 16 girls) for the main scene of the movie which is a dance at the ball. “It was really upbeat, bright, and Indian Bollywood-esque,” says Taylor. They spent three days in rehearsal and two days filming this scene. They worked from 10:30am to 11:30pm, on aver-

age a 13 hour day. After the first week of filming, the producers asked Taylor and five other people to stay for two more weeks to film three additional scenes. When filming, there were at least five takes per shot, and then they had to do the same shot from a different angle. “Doing the same dance over and over was very exhausting and it sucked but it was still fun and I was getting paid for it so it was worth it,” claims Bradley about his long days. Sometimes they didn’t break for lunch until 8:30pm and then they would come back and finish shooting until they were done. When they finished for the day, they had to change out, sign out, and head back to their hotels where Taylor says, “I immediately fell asleep.” Taylor drove back on Tuesday and headed straight t o his studio because his first competition of the season is this upcoming weekend. “It was crazy coming backI have a ton of make-up work but it was totally worth it. I would absolutely do it again in a heartbeat!”

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The Adjustment Bureau samantha weissert staff writer Matt Damon once again lit up the screen in The Adjustment Bureau. Norris, a popular candidate running for the Senate, has an unfortunate mishap that takes a hit on his reputation. He is about to recite a speech to recover from the incident when he meets a girl named Elise, played by Emily Blunt. A short conversation with her inspires him to give a speech that restores him to his former glory. It comes as no surprise that these two people can’t seem to stop thinking about each other and are desperate to reconnect. But where would the story be if this happened? Naturally, there’s more. Norris accidentally stumbles upon a group of people who work for what’s called the Adjustment Bureau, an assembly of workers who use “twists of fate” as part of a bigger plan. The casting is spot on. Damon has perfected the confident romantic. Emily Blunt makes her character’s

personality seem natural with just the right mix of free-spirit and reservation. A mistake-prone employee of the bureau is played pretty well by Anthony Mackie. Though the casting is great, the trailer is very misleading. It’s called a sci-fi thriller. I went in expecting an action movie with a splash of romance but it was very much a romance with a taste of action. Furthermore, the action doesn’t really even start until the last third of the movie. The beginning and middle of the film take their sweet time building the story line and relationship. I found this to be a bit drab. This is definitely not a film to go see with the guys. So the most important question, “Should I see it?” Well, it depends. If you’re looking for an action-packed movie, then I would say probably not. However, if you are in search of a love story and a bit of Matt Damon, definitely go see it. It has a story line that is more intriguing than most romantic movies. Overall, I enjoyed it and thought it was pretty good.

lhs jff

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Are you smarter than an th grader?

What important US event took place on April 9, 1865?

cory shaw/ editor-in-chief

What is a laureate? “Someone from Star Wars” Maya Brown, 10

“World War II” Matt Green, 12

How many United States senators represent Georgia?

When I was your age... lindsay hopkins/features editor

= find

2) Someone honored for great achievements 3) Occurs when the moon passes between the sun and Earth 4) Two: Johnny Isakson and Saxby Chambliss 5) Cartilage within the knee or the upper surface of a liquid

* The ToothFairy wouldn’t bring you money unless your tooth is under your pillow. * If you made a funny face, it would stick that way. * McDonald’s Happy Meal toys were the greatest things ever invented. * Boys had cooties. * Babies came from the stork. * If you swallowed a watermelon seed, you would grow a watermelon in your belly. * If you folded a CapriSun pouch after drinking, it became a really cool cell phone. * If you stepped on a sidewalk crack, it would break your mother’s back.

Hidden somewhere within this paper is the logo of Lewis Electrical Contractors (shown below). If you are the first one to email laureate@leciga.com with the page number in which it is located, you win $50! Participants must also include their name and address to receive the check. One entry per person per year.

read

1) The end of the Civil War

“Is that like a type of animal?” Percia Jackson, 10

Contest Rules

“When the sun goes down” Kate Goodall, 10

Correct Answers

What is a meniscus?

“Four” Austin Abdo, 11

What is a solar eclipse?

Brain teasers 1. What goes around the world but stays in a corner? 2. What can you catch but not throw?

money

Lewis Electrical Contractors ...is a proud sponsor of The Laureate

3. What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries? 1. stamp 2. cold 3. towel

lhs sports

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Baseball team looking for repeat of ‘10

jack herman sports editor

no easy out. Whether it is junior third as talented as the hitting. Senior pitchbaseman Keegan Corley, or outfielder ers, Parker Shank, Mitch Shelby and Andy Rief, the Trojans refuse Andrew McLarnon are warriors. They have been through the battles of any room After a 2010 campaign that to give the pitcher the state playoffs and know how Corley fell short in the state finals against for error. Keegan to win. Senior Mitch Shelby said, to work Harrison, the Lassiter baseball team added, “We try “The three of us have been and is looking to move forward and make deep counts through a lot of high the improvements this season. Stockpiled make pressure games. That with strong hitting, the Trojans will go p i t c h e r hopefully will transas far as their pitching can take them. work. We late into wins for the This year’s lineup features a little know if we ball club.” Each of bit of everything. Early towards the can get the the three have starter out top of the lineup the Trojans have the tools needspeed with second baseman Nelson of the game ed to take any Ward and shortstop Cornell Nixon. early, we’re team to state. But as you progress down the lineup doing some Aside from you start to see their dynamic blend of thing right.” the talented With power and the ability to hit for aver- seniors, unage. Hitters such as seniors Wes Burns all of the ability the derclassmen and Reed Anthes do a fantastic job of hitting brings, the have brought complementing each other back to pitching is a whole plenty of enerback in the order by providing the Tro- other animal. Granted they have gy and will to been roughed up a little early in jans with consistent clutch hitting and win. Sophomores run production. What is so great about the season in games against CoKJ Sinclair, Caleb this team’s lineup is the depth. Even lumbus and Harrison and have been Kutsche, and Tyler as you go down the lineup, there is targeted in the media, this staff is just

Elwer all have endless potential. After the three all had sparkling seasons on the junior varsity team as freshman, they seem more than capable of handling any lineup. But one thing that is common throughout the pitching staff is that they have a track record. Whether it’s a senior hurler or young sophomore, the Trojan pitching staff is powerful and full of hard workers. Some players were obviously failed to be mentioned. But no matter where you look there is talent. Shortstop Cornell Nixon is nothing short of spectacular in the field and junior Matt Davis and senior Michael Fowke have the ability to put out the fire no matter the situation they are thrown into. With the team’s talent at such a high level, expect big things this year. Their blend of veteran leadership and young talent will prove to help them out in the long run I see nothing but success for the staff and expect to see the Trojans go deep into the playoffs.

lhs in the wry

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Dear Reader, Please read. Sincerely, Author

Dear blank, please blank Dear Certain Couples, You know who you are. You’re getting looks from us because there’s no need for that amount of touching in the halls, not because we are “just jealous.” Sincerely, Get a Room, But Not a Classroom

Dear Architect of Lassiter, Thanks for the brick pillars in the lunchroom. Anything that separates us from the underclassmen is a good thing in our book. Sincerely, Upperclassmen

Dear Gum, That is disgusting. And right on the knee! He’s going to be trying to pick bits of you off of me all day. What are you doing under a desk anyway? Either be in someone’s mouth or in the garbage. Sincerely, My Jeans

Dear Administration, Wouldn’t it just be easier to change our mascot to Spencer Roush? The Lassiter Roushes has a nice ring to it. Sincerely, Just Think How Cool Our New “Roush Head” Emblem Would Look

Dear LNN, Is it just me or are your end credits longer than your actual announcements? Sincerely, I Hate Train Now

Dear Really Cool Pen I Just Found in the Hallway, You just made my day. Sincerely, It’s the Little Things

will morris/ staff

Comedy classifieds In need of something? Check here. WANTED:

Speech therapist. My name is Kristen Stewart and I am an actress. Unfortunately, I have developed a tendency to stutter and ruin excellent books with my horrible acting. I am looking for a speech therapist/miracle worker to help me become a truly talented actress who can form full words without an obnoxious stammer.

WANTED: My own personal Snookie. Daddy, I want an oompa loompa now!!!

laura brink/ staff

WANTED:

Teachers to stop bending over right in front of us. We get it, something is on the floor but why must you be this incredibly close to my face? How about you squat next time, you just scared me for life.

WANTED:

A girl who loves adventure to keep me company in the playpen. My name is Tommy Pickles I love screwdrivers, blue shirts, and am looking for a girl who will still love me even though I have baldhead and still live with my parents. Must love Reptar.

WANTED:

A private detective. Once again, they have killed Kenny. Enough is enough. These repeat assassins must be stopped immediately. If you are capable of discovering the reasoning behind the repeated demise of Kenny please respond immediately to this add. Stop the repeated murder of an innocent young boy.

WANTED:

A memory-erasing tool. Because of extreme stupidity of all involved in the process, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released in theaters. This error must be corrected and only can be by process of memory removal. Please contact 555-555-DEAR GOD WHY? If you have any such equipment to assist in the correction of this heinous error.

WANTED: New AP Lang lesson plans. I would rather be in the boat with that tiger than have to show the entire class my complete lack of artistic skill in a project that will be a test grade. Not all teenage girls can doodle adorability at a whim. Get excited for my stick figures that slightly resemble smashed play-doh.

Lassiter High School’s Best

What’s the best part about lunch? “Playing Pokemon under the table.” --Andrew White, 9

Who’s the best teacher at Lassiter? “Senorita Allen” --Sammie Bosma, 12

all photos courtesy of renee puvvada/staff and mary ann staak/staff

What’s the best part about not being a freshman? “During band practice we get lunch before the freshman!” --Mady Lekas, 10

What’s the best class you ever took? “AP Psychology” --Kylie Dickman, 11

What’s the best food in the cafeteria? “Definitely chicken and fries basket.” --Nathan Shuart, 11

Lassiter High School’s Worst

Who are the worst enemies at Lassiter? “Michael Anderson and Luke Trevino” --Jordan Brundage, 12

What’s the worst part about leaving Lassiter? “Sleeping in at college and having more time to play pokemon!” --Andrew Breeden, 12

What’s the worst part of chemisty class? “Ms. Perkerson” --Jesse Hauser, 10

Who’s the meanest teacher at Lassiter? “Mrs. Adams” --Jason Lukose, 11

What’s the best route to the science building to enjoy getting beat up by upperclassmen? “You have to go outside and around the building.” --Ryan Strasser, 9

lhs in the wry

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Ring, ring, ring, banana pwn Reader discretion is advised...

mary ann staak centerspread editor

Stay juicy, my friends Even the Most Interesting Man in the World was once a child...

skye rubel editor-in-chief Before The Most Interesting Man in the World grew into adulthood, he was The Most Interesting Child in the World. His life, full of adventure and mystery, mesmerizes all who hear his stories. This one is no exception: His alarm clock went off at exactly 6:00 AM, but it was too soon; he was still tired. He pressed the snooze button a couple of times until he was ready to get out of bed. The Most Interesting Child in the World (then preferring to be called Walter) picked out a shirt and a pair of pants to wear. The shirt, slightly wrinkled, was a nice beige color (his favorite). The pants looked worn and unwashed, but not so much that anyone would stop and stare. After getting dressed, Walter brushed his teeth. He realized that he should have done this before getting dressed because he got toothpaste on his clothes. Not wanting to draw attention to himself, he changed his beige shirt to a tan one. Afterwards, Walter walked down-

stairs to get breakfast. He wanted a bowl of cereal but he did not like any of the choices in the cupboard; the Special K was for his mom, who was trying to lose ten pounds. Eventually, The Most Interesting Child in the World settled for eggs. Scrambled. Two of them. With Toast. After eating, he walked back upstairs. His breath smelled like eggs, so he decided to brush his teeth again. This time, Walter took his shirt off so that he would not stain it like the previous beige one. After brushing his teeth, he put his tan shirt back on, along with his brown shoes and black book bag. A little later, Walter walked outside to the bus stop. He sneezed twice and then proceeded to blow his nose. After waiting for five minutes, he thought he had missed the bus. He did not. It pulled up a little later than normal. As Walter sat down on the second row of the school bus, the boy next to him offered him a Motts juice box. He politely declined and explained, “I don’t always drink juice, but when I do, I prefer Juicy Juice.”

After getting dressed, Walter brushed his teeth. He realized that he should have done this before getting dressed because he got toothpaste on his clothes.

A terrible, horrible, smushy event has taken place in the halls of Lassiter. No, it’s not the invasion of man-eating Jell-o monsters. One of our very own was brutally attacked by bananas, and not the nice kind that are swathed in their peels, lounging upon your kitchen counter, waiting to be devoured. This was the kind that sits and waits—waits for you to sleep, to be distracted, to be vulnerable enough for them to make their move. Not the kind of move that you want your secret crush from math class to make on you, but the kind of move that stalkers make when they go in for the kill. Imagine the innocence of it all: a young boy, walking the halls by himself, only to turn the corner and see a bushel of bananas, peels and all, ready to pounce. What could he have done? A bushel outnumbers one boy twelve to one. The halls were empty—not even Dr. Richie was pacing them—he had no exit, no rescue. Luckily for him, there happened to be a good-sized kitchen knife lying nearby (must have been left by one of the knife-wielding strawberries that went on a rampage last month) and fought back the only way he knew how. But even Rachel Ray’s slice ‘n dice

method couldn’t stop these assassin bananas. Witnesses later recalled seeing the young boy sprinting down the lit hallway, knife in hand, spattered with banana guts, screaming while the bushel advanced. The crazed bananas finally caught up with the boy about five feet in front of Mrs. Nelsen’s room in the social studies hallway. The bunch managed to tackle the student to the ground, and then proceed to “beat the bananas out of him” said witnesses. Some students and teachers attempted to rescue the student by pulling the bananas off of him and trying to eat them. They too were attacked and beaten mercilessly. After three minutes of a terrifying banana smack-down, the bananas retreated and were attacked by the hungry students of the social studies hall. Within the next few minutes, all that was left of the bushel from hell was their greasy peels. Dr. Richie took immediate action and declared Lassiter to be a “banana-safe zone”. Any and all bananas shall be removed from the premises if found. “We can’t take any risks,” our principal said. “The bananas have got to go.” As for the male student in question, he was taken to the hospital and into police custody to be questioned. Said local law enforcement: “We want to know under what pretenses they struck and when they might strike again.”

That’s it.

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Coach Welch takes Miami by storm

Number of games only thing separating Welch and Blake Griffin for rookie of the year. will morris staff writer

he do against Tim Duncan?” After a quick talk with Erik Spoelstra, coach of the Miami Heat, it was only a matter of time before our beloved Coach Welch was down in Miami on the practice court with superstars Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh.

“

“Welch really knows how to box out those freshmen,” claimed LeBron after his visit to the Lassiter gymnasium. The man known as “King James” to the sports world wandered into our humble facilities last week in search of a restroom. Instead, what he found was the answer Miami was looking for. “Watching him drive past those BPE students got me thinking. If he can take on unmotivated high school students, what could

can grab those boards,” stated Bosh. “It’s surprising given his 6’2” frame, which is not that impressive for a NBA player.” The secret behind Welch’s success on the court is fully credited to his knack for visualization. He dominates the teens at Lassiter High School, so, when playing the New York Knicks last Monday, Welch claims, “I just p re te n d e d Carmelo Anthony was a 5 foot sophomore.” After that, the 24 points he scored that night came easily. Welch has only played in two games with the Heat so far due to his obligations to time lap tests, but with a combined 43 points, 23 rebounds, and 9 blocks, it seems as though our coach has found his place in what is now being called the “Big Four.”

Watching him drive past those BPE students got me thinking. If he can take on unmotivated high school students, what could he do against Tim Duncan? “It’s no surprise our team had a little more trouble this season than was expected,” admitted Wade, “but we’re over that now.” After his first practice session with the Heat, it was obvious that Welch can provide the consistent perimeter shooting every team needs while working the inside game and when Bosh sits the bench. “He sure

”

lhs jff Aries

November 22-December 21

April 20-May 20

Taurus, watch out for stalkers. They are watching you this month. Keep all your doors locked.

Virgo

August 23-September 22

Virgo, you will embarrass yourself this month. Counseling may be necessary to get over your new phobia of toilet seats.

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

Capricorn, you will develop a massive fear of popcorn. Movie theaters will be the scene of all your nightmares and the Boy scouts will award you a free tube of gourmet popping corn. Be afraid.

May 21-June 20

Gemini, this month water is your biggest fear. It will flood some place very special to you and potentially cause you harm.

Libra

September 23-October 22

Your little brother will adopt a lion and name it Cosmo, who will then attempt to steal your room and eat all your clothing.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18 Aquarius, the clowns are after you. Watch out for the big red noses, massive feet, and BIRTHDAY PARTIES!

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Your monthly horoscope Gemini Cancer Taurus

March 21-April 19 Aries, your misfortune has just begun.. Your lunch will be stolen this month. The stairs are your worst enemy. The police are watching you.

Leo

July 23-August 22 Leo, the stars are haunting you. You will witness the death of a squirrel this month. You may also be the murder. Watch the road.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, this month will create much stress and your second cousin twice removed will come to town and never leave. Enjoy.

June 21-July 22

Cancer, you will grow a mustache this month- a very long mustache. Be aware of tripping over your intensely long mustache.

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

Scorpio, you will be bitten by a butterfly and be sent to the ER due to massive wing growth.

Pisces

February 19-March 20

Pisces, be aware of your neighbors’ cat. It will haunt you this month and potentially be the cause of all your troubles.

colleen purdy/staff

Things we wish we could laugh at

12345

Your teacher is on a roll, spewing anger, spitting out words that would make you want to snuggle up to a freezer because it is probably warmer than your teacher’s heart. And then as you’re slowly sinking deeper into your chair the miracle happens. Your teacher stutters and messes up the words of their fiery lecture and all you want to do is bust out laughing at how ludicrous they just sounded.

The know-it-all getting a good ole slap in the face is not something we experience often, but nothing tastes sweeter than the victory of that snotty, superior punk being told off by a teacher. We’ve all wanted that to happen since the second grade you show-off. Please know we are all internally laughing hysterically.

laura brink/staff

Smallish freshman with very very large backpacks struggling to get to class. Sure most of us already laugh at this, but we can’t just double over in the courtyard alone as we watch their tiny little figures hurry by and disappear into the crowds of the taller upperclassmen. If we truly took the time to appreciate this semi-sport of racing to class/ weight lifting the world’s biggest backpack, we would all definitely experience a hardy chuckle.

People sitting in their desk and then with a small plop noise the desk is bent like a broken leg and the person who recently occupied that seat is on the floor. You never see it coming, but when it happens the air is heavy with a mixture of shock, worry for the victim, and unbearable hilarity that is incredibly difficult to contain. Note: once it is confirmed the sitter is okay and unharmed ,it is socially acceptable to chuckle.

Disclaimer, this one is for those with the mind of a twelve year old boy. When teachers use words that are dirty for our generation however completely normal for theirs to say. You know you want to snicker just a little bit. A perfect example of this is the classic Hump Day. Occuring on Wednesday of each week, Hump Day means we’ve hit the home strech. Most seventh-graders, and some of us, don’t see it that way.

lhs a&e

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Student to live life of Pi

will morris staff writer To all students who either currently take AP Lang or will in the future, an exciting opportunity has come your way and it is important that you are all aware. The Advanced Placement Language teachers, in their infinite wisdom, have come up with a plan to get students to connect more with the novels read in their curriculum. After an intense brainstorming session, Ms. Henderson proposed the original idea of having one lucky student live out the life of their novel character. What better book to test this plan out with than Life of Pi? “I can’t believe we haven’t tried this earlier,” quoted Ms. Henderson. “There’s no better way to understand Pi’s hardships than to experience them personally. Bengal tiger and all.”

For those of you who are unaware of the book’s basic premise, a young Indian boy named Pi moves to Canada with his family. On the way, their ship wrecks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Pi is the only human survivor of the disaster and manages to save himself by escaping the sinking ship on a lifeboat. However, he is not alone on his vessel and must share the small boat with an injured zebra, an orangutan, a hyena, and, of course, an adult Bengal tiger named Richard Parker. Ms. Morgan states, “When I heard about the idea, I was thrilled. It’s the perfect way for a student to really understand the character.” A sign-up sheet was posted in Ms. Henderson’s room when she conceived the idea in February. Depending on the outcome of this experiment, Ms. Richter has been said to be planning her own similar contest for next year. “I think this could be a great idea to

get students involved in Frankenstein. All I would need to do is set a monster loose on a hate-filled rampage through the community in search of one lucky sophomore. I could even make the winner journal about it!” With the end of the school year approaching quickly, all I can say to the AP Lang students out there is start honing your fishing skills now. Who knows, it may be your only source of food for 227 long days.

Excitement

katie hayes

Mrs. Henderson promotes the AP Lang Life of Pi contest!

Restaurant serves human meat Donny’s human concoction said to taste “a lot like chicken” jeff ciesielski staff writer

cory shaw

Barren

Donny’s looks empty after their human pasta was unveiled.

Vile. Disgusting. Immoral. These are just some of the words that come to mind when one hears a rumor about a restaurant serving human flesh. No eating establishment could possibly get away with serving people meat in this day of health inspections and USDA regulations, right? Wrong. Donny’s has! The reports of this shocking crime against humanity were confirmed in an interview with a Donny’s chef who wishes to remain anonymous because, “If they knew I was talking to you, I would be served as a Donny’s Burger tomorrow. But yes, we do serve human meat in our most popular dishes, including our burgers and wings. The people in the meat are usually unsuspecting, jobless teenagers. We trick them by offering them a job to ‘check’ the meat grinder. It usually ends with them ‘falling in’ the meat grinder.” When informed that one of their favorite restaurants was serving

human flesh, Lassiter students generally did not approve. There was one person, however, who “Really doesn’t mind that his favorite place to eat serves people as food.” He also preferred to remain anonymous shockingly enough. “I mean, when you think about it people are animals and we eat animals, so why should it be so wrong for people to eat people?” Because that’s cannibalism which is generally frowned upon in societies that aren’t based in the Amazon Rain Forest, that’s why. Does Donny’s plan to continue to let their consumers eat people disguised as burgers and wings? According to the anonymous chef, they do. “Well we haven’t really heard from any sort of authority telling us that our practices are illegal, so we’re assuming that they’re cool with it. We’ve also started sautéing the ‘meat’ in spices and serving them at the nearby El Jinete chain! If you’re in the mood for a Jimmy-changa, you should stop by!”

lhs editorials

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maps.google.com

The Grid

A birds-eye-view of the Lassiter campus shows the state-of-the-art invisible fence installed Thursday for “containment purposes.”

Invisible fence: a shocking development cory

shaw Workers from the Invisible Fence Company trudged through the night on Thursday, finishing the last installments of a high-tech invisible fence surrounding the perimeter of Lassiter’s campus. I spoke on the phone with Vicky Colbert, Vice President of Operations, and she seemed enthusiastic about the project aimed at keeping wandering high school students from leaving campus: “For 35 years, we’ve contained dogs of all breeds and now, starting next Monday, the students of Lassiter will be our first two-legged clients.” And just like Lindsay Lohan, students will be given their very own

collars. They’re comfortable to wear and only produce a minor electrical shock intended to merely condition. Plus, they have the wonderful ability to be bejeweled with an excellent array of bedazzles. I’d make them the colors of this year’s Prom, green and gold! With over 2,000 students eager to leave this wonderful institution and never return, and with very few teachers and administrators able to stop them, this will act as a powerful extra pair of eyes to keep student control. An instructional video on invisible fence and collar FAQ’s will be given Monday in ASE. All are advised to go. Later improvements may include a series of conditioning so that teachers can, with a simple click of a button, zap students for talking, answering incorrectly, or simply not being liked.

PRO

colleen

purdy

Late Thursday night workers from the Invisible Fence company were seen putting in the new “student containment” fence. Vice President of Operations, Vicky Colbert, stated “Our company has revolutionized invisible fence technologies with the addition of human containment operations.” I’d like to think there is a reason why no other institution has inhumanly chosen to electrically shock students for attempting to leave school. This method of containment is unjust, cruel, and very unnecessary. If students are attempting to leave school without permission, give them detention, ISS, take away their parking privileges. Putting collars on the stu-

dent body and electrically shocking them is simply uncivilized. Each student will be given a collar, much like a dog, and is expected to wear their personal collar each and every day. Each collar will have the student’s name, grade, and student ID. For excused absences, the collars will also have barcodes so that the PPO will be able to scan each person as they leave. Consequences will be harsh for those who choose to disobey these inhumane rules. Not only will there be an electrical fence surrounding the school, but teachers will be given remotes and at any time when a student is talking in class, misbehaving, or just being plain annoying, teachers will be able to shock the students. How can this even be allowed? Have officials been notified of this obscene method of child containment?

CON

lhs features

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Seeing st ars

will morris staff writer Based off the beloved Pixar Film, Monsters Inc: On Ice! is set to premier in summer 2013. Auditions for the show were held last winter in Boston and attracted over 200 promising figure skaters for Pete Docter, director of both the original movie and its sequel, to choose from. After a month of grueling tryouts and tough decisions, Pete chose lindsay hopkins the most gifted skaters to fill the roles in takes to the ice in prepaIce show Mr. O’Neal ration for his first show. his monster cast. All roles but one, that is. Mr. Henry J Wa- such a perfect skater for the part.” Mr. ternoose, the head boss of Monsters O’Neill has already begun rehearsal Inc., is some sort of crab-like creature, for the show as of January and he’ll and a vital character in the ice-themed be the first to tell you that he couldn’t version of the film. “I was at a loss,” be more excited. Looks like the tables Pete stated, “None of the skaters at have turned, Mr. O’Neill. Now we can auditions had what it took to fill the return the favor and start calling you position. I was seriously considering “Boss.” shutting down the entire production, but then a miracle happened.” Pete explained that with a simple Google search of a basketball player, his project was given new life. Searching for julia regeski pictures of the NBA star Shaquille O’Neal out of sheer boredom, Pete jff editor only entered the player’s last name. Hordes of hungry Trojans rush On top of that, he misspelled it. Pete typed O’Neill instead of O’Neal; a com- into skylight in need of their morning mon mistake that lead to a remarkable nourishment, perhaps something of a discovery. “There he was, the perfect chicken sort. But the administration is Waternoose,” claimed Mr. Docter. “He in a dilemma. Two businesses want to had the professional look of a boss provide Lassiter with the most imporand a smile that could light up the ice. tant meal of the day. How to decide Once I learned about his figure skating the fate of the student population’s nutrition? A completely non-schoolhistory, the choice was clear.” What may be surprising to sponsored cage match of course! The heads of each local busiLassiter students is that Mr. O’Neill’s life outside his position as our Athletic ness got decked out in chicken suits Director and Assistant Principal is not (for dramatic effect), and served their what you would call ordinary. He has customers in a way neither is used to. “We deserve to win this!” said been figure skating in local, state, and national competitions for over eigh- a Chick-fil-a manager who wishes to teen years. He even competed in the remain anonymous. “We’ve served at Salt Lake City Olympics in 2002, plac- Lassiter for years; no one can resist our ing 5th in the singles competition. biscuits. Bojangle’s? Please. What’s a David Silverman, co-director of both bojangle? I guarantee you don’t want films, commented, “It certainly was a one in your breakfast sandwich.” Upon request for comment, stroke of luck for Pete to stumble upon

Bring on the serenity

samantha weissert staff writer

Starting in the 2011-2012 school year, Lassiter is planning to institute a new elective class that teaches the ancient art form of yoga. The administration sees this as a great way to not only bring physical exercise to the student body, but also help students experience more cultures of the world. The best part of all is that it will fill the BPE requirement. This is likely to become one of the most anticipated classes to come the Lassiter. Everybody knows that there is no class without a teacher. Naturally, Coach Wright offered to fill the position. After looking at his resume of experience in the yoga field, the administration was highly impressed with Coach Wright. “I plan to put a real focus on breathing and proper stretching technique,” claimed Coach

Wright. “My real goal in this class is to help my students achieve Moksha.” He went on to further describe the course and what it would entail, “To begin, I am going to put an emphasis on child’s pose and sun salutations. It’s really important to have a strong base with these yoga moves.” As for grades, he will have basic participation as one category and connection with Brahman as the other major component of the grade. He is also making plans for the final to be a Bikram Yoga class that is 90 minutes of 26 postures in a roomat 105°F and 40% humidity. This class is highly anticipated and there is already a lot of buzz among the student body. Many teachers such as Mrs. Henderson and Coach Reichenbach have also shown interest in participating in the class. Sign-up will be during the first two weeks of next school year. Hurry, spots will fill up quickly. Namaste.

A breakfast smackdown

Chick-fil-a and Bojangle’s have a death match for selling rights. Bojangle’s merely smiled, shrugged, and then proceeded to demolish the stuffed cow provided by the opponent. Preparations had been made to accomodate more than double the Lassiter student population. The cage was set far away from the audience so as to avoid any possible injuries and lawsuits. The match began with a light ping on a bell, as two feathered men stepped into the ring. Chick-fil-a stomped and glared, while Bojangle’s whipped out some skilled kung-fu balance. The distance in between the two gradually shrunk, but the acutal moment when they made contact was unseen by the majority of students, as an explosion of feathers and a cacophony of squawks were the only observable happenings Finally, at least 5 officials had to pull the epic battle apart. Two struggling chickens were dragged off to separate locker rooms. The crowd

fell to a murmur as Dr. Richie, the Lassiter administration, and official cage match rule keepers whispered with fervor. Hands flew, wings flapped, and a champion was decided. “BOJANGLES!” squealed a voice over the intercom. The crowd went insane with tears and leaps. The local manager emerged, still garbed in his trendy bright yellow feathered costume, and grasped his prize; a trophy engraved with the Trojan head filled to the brim with fried chicken. And so the signature skylight spot is given to the chicken provider who earned it. Administrators meander nearby to ensure peace, but refuse to comment on the authenticity of the event. An insider tells The Laureate that the CCSD erased this momentous battle from the history books, due to their strict no-violence policy. But now you know the truth. You truly owe your morning biscuit to the time, sweat and feathers of the Bojangle’s manager.

lhs news Mr. Slater

shows off

curves renee puuvada staff writer Packing their bags over February break, Mr. Slater and Ms. Poss, legends of the Lassiter math department, headed to Las Vegas for an unforgettable week. Ignoring the conventions of the Strip, filled with gambling, dancing, and a reckless good time, this couple attended one of the most prestigious events known in the mathematical world, a convention for true academics and scholars. Not only was the news that Mr. Slater got invited to the championship riveting, but when the couple found out that Mr. Slater was the World Freehand Circle Drawing Champion, it was a dream come true. Held every year in Las Vegas, Nevada, the World Freehand Circle Drawing Competition invited Mr. Slater to compete among thousands of wannabes in the ultimate circumscribing showdown, hosted by the Freehand Circle Drawing Society, which its their first competition in Canada back in

1989. Champions from every year are automatically invited to attend every competition succeeding their winning year. “We were so nervous,” Ms. Poss says of their experience when they entered the competition in the Egyptian Ballroom at the Luxor, awed by the grandeur. “It was overwhelming and unlike anything we had ever experienced.” “There were people from all over the world,” said Mr. Slater, dream-like, as I asked him about his memories. “I never thought I would have a chance.” Although he was a newbie to the competition, Mr. Slater breezed his way past every single person who challenged him. The judges gave him 9.7’s, 9.4’s, and, in the first time of the history of the competition, a judge awarded Mr. Slater with a perfect 10.0 in the art of freehand circle drawing. “I must agree,” says Annebelle Wang, 10, who has Mr. Slater as a teacher for Accelerated Math II. “He draws some pretty darn good circles.”

Prom 2012 canceled

natalie kieta editorials editor

The Laureate regrets to inform Lassiter students that next year’s Prom has been cancelled. Administrators claim that due to several unfortunate factors, having a prom in 2012 is simply not feasible. After long hours spent calculating the costs between the DJ, the event space, and the food, teachers and administrators have come to the conclusion that Prom isn’t profitable enough to be continued. Students come for thirty minutes and leave, but the DJ is paid in advance for multiple hours. “I think students like the concept of having a date, getting dressed up, and partying with their friends more than they like the actual Prom,” explains Katie Cox, 12.

In addition to all these drawbacks, Prom always has its safety hazards. Almost every year, there is someone who ends up in the emergency room. This year it was junior Adam Dowell who “dropped it like it was a little too hot” and suffered a minor heatstroke. Girlfriend Samantha Bayer, also a junior, wants to let people know that it’s not all laughs and giggles when someone gets hurt. On the bright side, this will definitely be an opportunity for students to save money on tickets, hair, dresses, tuxes, corsages, limo rentals, and all the other things required for a perfect prom. “This cannot be happening. Not my senior prom!” exclaims Alix Hanna, 11. It looks like prom has become a privilege of the past.

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Fast food frenzy A recent outcry for Lassiter Cafe reform has led to the Cobb County School Board signing on with national chains.

Victory Fries

vince gonzalez staff writer

annabel edwards

Parker Roush celebrates his victory over the School Board with some fries and a thumbs-up.

“I completely disagree with it,” commented junior Mitch Reaves. “All the fat and grease found in the food will only lead to obese children and a more lackadaisical student body. Test scores will plummet, and our sports teams will suffer.” However, not all Lassiter students share Mitch’s fatalistic views. “This is the greatest thing to ever happen to this school!” pronounced sophomore K.J. Sinclair. No matter what the feeling, the day the first Big Mac is sold in the cafeteria will be remembered forever. McDonald’s has even offered to give an all-you-can-eat pass to whichever student is the first to purchase one of their sandwiches. “What a stroke of luck it was to find that sack of gold so close to St. Patrick’s Day,” remarked A.J. Perez, 11. “I thank leprechauns for this beautiful act.”

“ ”

“I’m so sick and tired of the same old food every day for lunch,” whined junior Parker Roush to the Cobb County School Board late last week. “We need a change around here. I want Chick-fil-a, Wendy’s, and my absolute favorite, Taco Bell,” yelled Parker at the board. To his surprise and great pleasure, the board quickly gave in to his demands. The board has decided to pay for fast food chains to take over our cafeteria. Those being added to the lunch room are Burger King, Chick-fil-a, McDonald’s, Zaxby’s, Taco Bell, and Wendy’s. Mixed emotions were expressed by students at Lassiter after hearing the news of our new menu.

I’m so sick and tired of the same old food everyday!

the laureate inside

April 2011

news Fast Food

a student publication of Lassiter High School volume XXVIII: issue five Hats Off! April Fools Day

The Goegria eucadiotnal stysem has irompved its rnaikng natoianlly wtih an atsuodnnig 80.1 precnet hgih shcool gardauiton rtae in 2010.

7:00 am Wake up 8:20 am School starts 3:30 pm Leave school 5:00 pm Practice piano 10:00 pm Go to sleep

The Pulse just a

How glimpse. many of 35% you read I do! these 15% polls?

50% these are polls?

Board reconsiders 2011-2012 calender amid uproar

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In a shocking development Wednesday, the Cobb County School Board announced that they would reconsider their decision to adopt the August 15th calendar. The board’s spokesman, Reid Iculous, explained that the decision to reconsider had come in response to widespread public outrage and rumblings of mutiny that sprung up after the preferences of students, teachers, and parents were blatantly disregarded. “It’s not that the board ignored the public and their wants,” claimed Iculous. “Quite the contrary. In fact, the School Board took great care in discussing, laughing at, scorning, crumpling, and finally feeding the results of the surveys

into industrial strength paper shredders. However, the Board members were disappointed when controversy began to die down and decided they needed to do something else to rekindle the ang…erm... excitement of the people who elected them. So here we are.” Following the announcement that the board would reconsider, parents, educators, and students jubilant at the prospect of actually being heeded danced, cried, and broke into song, making the halls ring with echoes of “Imagine.” Supporters of the August 2nd start date clutched petitions and microphones, sobbing at the thought that they might actually have a say in local government. “We accomplished something today,” claimed Vic Torrey in an impromptu speech

to the assembled crowd. “We have shown that we cannot be ignored! That we, the people, are in charge here! Freedom forever and long live winter break!” Cheers and reprises of the song were interrupted as the Board returned to the chamber and voted, unanimously, to adopt the August 17th start date. “We hope this gesture has restored your faith in this body,” said Reid Iculous in a statement immediately following the decision, reading to a crowd of dumbfounded citizens. “The Cobb County School Board would like to apologize for their mistake and let you know that you can rest assured. Nothing like the near-tragedy of the August 15th calendar will ever happen again.”

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