April 2010 by Lassiter High School

the Volume XXVII: Issue V

etaerual Lassiter High School

April 1, 2010

emily kehner/staff Señora Wright, Frau Khail, and Madame Campos frown upon the monolinguists among us. In their foreign language classes, they always encourage worldliness.

Monolinguality proven a cognitive hazard natalie kieta staff writer

Ja nie mam pojcia dlaczego cay wiat moe rozmawiac w wielu jzykach ale Amerikanie chc eby wszyscy rozmawiali tylko po Angielsku. Oni s bardzo jedno stronni, tak jak by byli jedyni na wietcie. Dlaczego jest e Angielski jest uczony w karzdym kraju na wietcie, ale inny jezyk nie jest Amerikanie nie umieja czyta po adnym innym jzyku I myl e cawy wiat si wokoo nich toczy. Na kazdym znaku czy puszce co kupujesz na marketcie w karzdym kraju, wszystko jest napisane po Angielsku. Ale ja nie widze tego samego napisanego po Francusku czy po Niemiecku czy po Rosyjsku.

PAGE 6

escapes from azkaban

Lil Wayne

Nie, jedynie Amerikanie musze miec wszystko opisane w ich jezyku bo nie umiej by wyeksposowanym do innej kultury bez urzywania technologi eby im pomoga. Ja jestem z Polski I cae moje ycie ja chodze do sklepu i widze jak Polskie produkty maja naklejke z Polskim i Angielskim. Jedynie te dwa jzyki, nie po Chinsku, Rosyjsku, albo po Niemiecku. Tylko Amerykanie nie mog si uczyma w innej kulturze. Dzieci w szkole si ucz Angielski od bardzo wczesnego roku w wielu krajach, ale w Ameryce dopiero w ósmej klasie nie które dzieci mog wybra abo Chyszpanski abo Francuski. Tak wasciwie to ten artiku jest na prima Aprilis bo on opisuje jak Amerikanie

Home Economics comes to Lassiter

nie maj wogle pojcia jak si wiat wokoo nich krci. Tak wasciwie, to ja nie myle e Amerykanie s gupcy, ale czsto to tak wyglda. Jak naszy prezydent nie umie wymowic imie tego kraja którego bombarduje to jest jakis problem ewidentnie. W tej sprawie to wyglda e my jestemy jeden z naj gupszych krajów na wiecie. Muimy co zrobi eby nowe generacje byy bardziej oczytane w wiatowych sprawach. Bo dzieci co si dzi rodz s nasz przyszocii musimy co zrobi eby onne nas dobrze reprezentowaly. Jak pojedziesz na wakacje do Franci czy do Polski to usyszysz e wszyscy suchaj muzyke z Ameryki. Amerykanskie przeboje graj na radju tam cay czas, i Francuzi piewaj

Lassiter’s Got Talent

do piosenek mimo e czsto nie wiedz o czym piewaja. W yciu nigdy nie syszaam eby, na przykad, grali jakiesz zagraniczne przeboje w naszym kraju, bo my byz my nie mieli pojcia jak to odebra. Duo mexykanskich ludzi tutaj przychodza i teraz e jest duo napisów po Chiszpansku, wielu Amerikanów mówi e jak ci imigranci nie mog czyta po Angielsku to e powinni wróci tam skont przyszli. Ale tak wasciwie to my jestemy tacy sami, tyko e my tego nie widzimy. Ten artikul juz sie przeciga i ja nie mam pojcia co wicej mog o tym powiedzie. To miao opisa t situacje e my wasciwie jeste my bardzo jedno stronni, i ten artykul ma to podkreslic bo nikt tego nie bedzie mog przeczytac.

LHS Curling Team prepares for the 2014 Olympics

Renaissance puts on the Academic Pep Rally PAGE 8

PAGE 9

PAGE 19

index THE 411 2-3 TROJAN TALK 4-5 A&E 6-7 FEATURES 8-9 CENTERSPREAD 10-11 COMEDY CENTRAL 12-13 JFF 14-17 SPORTS 18-19

The 411

Obama to speak at graduation skye rubel 411 editor Lassiter High School is proud to announce that President Barack Obama will deliver the commencement address at this year’s graduation. As part of a contest, The Race to the Top High School Commencement Challenge, our school sent in a lengthy application consisting of four essay questions, a video about the school, and statistics regarding attendance and graduation. Throughout the selection process, Lassiter was neck and neck with another high

school in Cincinnati, Ohio. As the deadline approached, Lassiter was the clear winner because of its stellar academics and sense of community. Though all details have not yet been finalized, Mr. Shaw had planned on formally announcing this great honor when we get back from Spring Break. Until then, many students are giddy with excitement. Michaela Desrosiers, 11, cheerfully stated, “I am such a huge supporter of President Obama. Knowing that he is speaking at graduation makes me so jealous that I am not a senior this year!” Another excited student, Keith Neas, commented, “This will be something

I will tell my grandchildren about. It is an absolute dream come true!”Though the majority of Lassiter cannot wait for Mr. Obama’s speech, other students do not support his appearance at the graduation ceremony. One senior stated, “I do not agree with Barack Obama’s ways. Whatever happened to keeping politics and education separate?” Another dissatisfied student said, “I thought Lassiter could do better than that.” Though there is some discontent over President Obama’s speech, there is no doubt that he chose our school for our outstanding tradition of academics. Recently, Press Secretary

Robert Gibbs emailed Mr. Shaw an outline of Barack Obama’s intended speech. He plans on discussing many crucial points about the value of an education, hard work, and determination. Gibbs made it very clear that the president will not be discussing politics and that the speech will appeal to everyone throughout the political spectrum. Lassiter’s graduation will take place in late May. Until then, seniors are busy finishing up the school year and making final decisions about college. It is a great honor for President Barack Obama to have chosen our school to deliver his inspirational commencement speech.

Flood days cancel Spring Break emily kehner editor-in-chief

Administration has just been informed that the Cobb County School Board has cancelled Spring Break for all public schools in the district. Their reasoning comes from the amount of school that we have missed already this year. From flood days to ice days to snow days, we

have certainly enjoyed our share of days off. Our area superintendent has stated, “In order to avoid adding school days onto the end of the year, we will have to continue school through the week that would have been Spring Break.” She and other board members further explained that we have to have enough full school days in order to validate the school year. In 2009-2010, we are currently

falling just short of the required days. Spring Break, which would have taken place during the first full week of April, has been very beneficial to all students in past years. Students and teachers typically take this week to spend time with friends or family. They also tend to catch up on work that cannot get done during the hectic school weeks. This late in the year, the break is much needed

academically in order to recover and rest before pushing onward through the last six weeks of school, which are packed with End of Course Tests, Final Exams, and AP Exams. Without this break in April, students and faculty may have difficulty with stress and exhaustion. This recent outbreak of news is sure to cause much discontent and frustration for Cobb County’s students, teachers, and parents.

Based on a poll done around Lassiter, 60% of students had planned trips for Spring Break. The other 40% had planned on relaxing at home.

Earth declared no longer a planet tyler molinaro copy editor In a shocking announcement that was made Wednesday, the National Air and Space Administration (NASA) announced that our beloved Earth is not, in fact, a planet. Chief spokesperson for NASA’s controversial EPI-Center (the Elite Planetary Identification Center), Ron Imamo, tried to explain to an assembly of admittedly confused reporters how the stunning conclusion had been reached. “There really is no basis for calling Earth a‘planet.’ We, as citizens of this…spherical body of terresriality… have always arrogantly assumed that we live on a planet without taking the time to examine the characteristics that disqualify it from planetary status.” Some examples of those characteristics were given and include

the presence of water and life on Earth. “What you, the public, must understand,” continued Imamo, “is that Earth does not fill the accepted requirements established in 2005 for planetary status. Earth simply does not exhibit a “near or complete lack of water or all signs of life,” which is in clear and, in fact, reprehensibly unambiguous, violation of chapter forty-two, subsection twenty-nine, page thirty-one, paragraph six, sentence seven, words three through fourteen of the PIG Memo of 2005.” The PIG Memo to which Imamo refers is, of course, the famed “universally accepted” Planetary Identification Guidelines which set forth the rules by which planets are to be identified and upon which EPI-Center and all of its activities are founded. The exclusion of Earth is just the latest in a string of expulsions from

what is quickly becoming an elite and ever-shortening list of “real planets.” The trend began with the disowning of Pluto from the family of planets. Pluto, despite a relentless succession of lawsuits from an orange dog with ridiculously large eyes and floating eyebrows who preferred to remain anonymous throughout the course of the lawsuits, remained a non-planet, instead being deemed , as EPI-Center founder Jem Wilthelm once termed it, “an orbiting body that more resembles a pock-marked asteroid and that was lucky to have had the privilege of being called a planet.” EPI-Center is currently in the midst of debate regarding what status to give to Earth and, also, what status to give to the moon afterwards. “Revising the thinking of every person on every continent of this… spherical body of terresriality… will be a long,

arduous process,” a d m i t t e d Imamo. “But we at EPICenter are absolutely positive -opposing the current thinking, beliefs, calculations, co n c l u s i o n s, ideas, and determinations of thousands of years of astronomers, physicists, and great thinkers the likes of which the world will never see again is the right thing to do.” The inhabitants of Area 51 were not available for comment.

3 facts compiled by skye rubel/ 411 editor A man in seen wa Cherokee Coun lking his ty golden re was Josie, in treiver, his neig hb dog saw a squirre orhood. The l chase it . The ma and started to n yelled to stop at Josie chasing animals obeyed. and it T h e man dog’s he patted ad for li the stening to him.

igh public h a t a t n ot to A stude chose n io h O in She did school ath test. m r e h r D on study fo and got a her ll e w ry e not do v her told Her teac t. s te for the e th ld study u o h s e agreed that sh student e h T . m a problems next ex practice a tr x e ext test. to do for the n n o ti ra a in prep

Free Einstein’s: another excuse to stuff your face alex medders staff writer As a student, Friday is the one day of the week that you look forward to the most. The first thing that comes to mind when you think of Friday is freedom; at least until the school week starts back up again on Monday. Just recently, Einstein Bros. Bagels has started a new promotion known as “Free Bagel Friday.” Because of this, Fridays have become that much better. Now on Fridays, if you go into any participating Einsteins before 11 A.M., you can present your coupon and receive a free bagel of choice. With this recent promotion, many Lassiter students have taken full advantage of

bettering their Friday by means of a free bagel. “Because of this awesome new promotion that they have going for them, I have started going to Einstein’s more frequently,” stated a Lassiter student. “It definitely makes my Friday that much better.” In conjunction with ‘Free Bagel Friday,’ Einsteins is starting a ‘Free Coffee Monday.’ The coupon for the free coffee comes with the coupon for the free bagel and each coupon is only allowed to be used once per week. Now, when students dread the following Monday after their ‘Free Bagel Friday,’ they can go to Einstein’s and receive their free coffee. With these two new promotions, students can now take a sigh of relief and not dread the school week as much.

. Susan Jackson and her family went to an Italian restaurant. Th e kids decided that they wanted pe pporoni pizza. When the food finally came out to the table, there were were peppers on the pizza. Susan’s kid s were upset because they don’t like vegetables. Susan picked off all the peppers and put them on he r own plate. The kids ate the pe pperoni pizza.

O P Y T Y L A DEAD emily weissert features editor Chinese officials are scrambling to correct a recent error in a communiqué from the central government declaring the “elimination of youthanasia.” Local Communist Party officials, upon receipt of the communiqué, immediately began eliminating “youthinasia.” This action was accepted by loyal party members as a continuance of previous Chinese government decrees concerning the fact that Chinese families were only allowed to have one child. Hu Doc Way, from outer Mongolia and a father of six, was quoted as saying, “We don’t necessarily understand the demand, however, we do understand that there are six billion Chinese in the world and that is too many for us to support.” The act has not caused much rebellion because of the similar views of this occurrence by the peasants. Way shared this view; he explained, “It is very difficult to take care of my large family on a peasant’s earnings. This is a way to help people financially.” News of this decree reached the

United Nations. They were in shock over the new law and several sanctions were put on China in an effort to get them to eliminate the law. It was only from these persistent objections from the United Nations that China finally realized its deadly typo. In order to quickly finish the decree and move on to other matters of importance, the Chinese government had ordered the elimination of “youth-in”asia instead of “euthanasia.” In an embarrassed scramble, the Chinese officials have amended the law and are in the process of notifying all loyal party members. However, this is difficult due to the vast stretch of land that this message must reach. “We are doing our best at the present moment, but the current winter weather makes fixing this situation very difficult,” explained government official Ming Lo Gau. It is incidents such as this one that make it appear that governments are overstepping their bounds. If a few items were checked off the agenda more time could be dedicated to checking mistakes and making sure the people are given what they want. If nothing else, China should at least invest in a good spell check.

Trojan talk

Introducing Lassiter’s new hall monitors skye rubel 411 editor Remember in elementary school when it was cool to be on safety patrol? I’m sure all of you were jealous of the lucky students who were granted with the honorable job of monitoring the halls. Quite frankly, their stylish neon orange sashes put my flower-print skirts to shame. Back in grade school, students never worried about fights in the halls or bullies “fish-hooking” their backpacks. Lassiter could learn a lot from these elementary school kids…. or we could just

get hall monitors of our own. patrol may sound like an excuse for who has ever been to the principal’s Every day the news is filled the administration to spy on the office, I’m sure they would agree that it can be a most miserable with stories about high school students, but in a way, it gives us the shootings, gruesome experience. With the fights in the halls, and installation of hall monitors, huge drug busts. If students who are normally Lassiter had safety unruly will be on their best monitors in every hall, we behavior to avoid being wouldn’t have to worry referred to the dreaded about problems like that. administrators’ offices. I can picture it now: puny I’m even willing to freshman accidentally be the head safety patrol. steps on burly senior’s Having hall monitors shoes. Burly senior is throughout Lassiter about to “accidentally” will give our school alex medders/staff crush puny freshman’s the edge we need to legs, BUT, courageous concentrate on academics. A Lassiter hall monitor punishes the rule-breakers. hall monitor gives burly As we used to say in elementary school, “No need to senior an intimidating look and he opportunity to avoid any contact with continues on his merry way. Safety the administration. For any student fear! Safety patrol is here!!!”

Everything under the sun--and more

mary ann staak centerspread editor

I like reiteration. I like melons. I like leapfrog. I like kites. I like grapples. I like the color hazel. I like inhabitants. I like crumbs. I like schoolboys. I like harpoons. I like nuclei. I like lawsuits. I like polio. I like spandex. I like scales. I like orange peels. I like tournaments. I like feathers. I like snorkeling. I like vitamins. I like grooving. I like branches. I like doors. I like folklore. I like tributaries. I like stings. I like oysters. I like bricklayers. I like wiggling. I like infirmaries. I like igloos. I like marshmallow fluff. I like chins. I like spotlights. I like ballerinas. I like fiberglass. I like ultimatums. I like steep hills. I like freshness. I like ringworm. I like appendages. I like plywood. I like sidesteps. I like calcium. I love hugs. I like somersaults. I like slaps. I like pelicans. I like mohawks. I like rams. I like shrubbery. I like moonlight. I like peg-legs. I like dampness. I like walking. I like haircuts. I like home. I like skillets. I like leather. I like pain. I like wrists. I like imports. I like mortals. I like farewells. I like batteries. I like operations. I like the Periodic Table. I like mimes. I like answers. I like income. I like flames. I like caring. I like cantering. I like discretion. I like chemicals. I like weasels. I like avocados. I like neighborhoods. I like sweat. I like rain. I like potion. I like windows. I like crushing people. I like wrapping paper. I like noon. I like rectangles. I like smiling. I like yetis. I like running out of room in this column.

O R P

I am optimistic. I like love. I like gravity. I like orthopedics. I like kindergarten. I like hypnosis. I like putty (especially Silly Putty!). I love dumplings. I like vaccinations. I like homesickness. I like farms. I like frogs. I like uneasiness. I like haystacks. I love bacon! I like fierceness. I like recliner chairs. I like unhappiness. I like affection. I like tubs. I like annotations. I like treachery (muwhahaha). I like the number 11. I like moccasins. I like snowstorms. I like polar bears. I like fumigation. I like tonsils. I like tantrums. I like metaphysics. I like bedding. I like Vaseline. I like buzzards. I like yams. I like pantries. I like wells. I like dimes. I like diners. I like excommunication. I like glares. I like sunglasses. I like toothbrushes. I like water bottles. I like chips. I like shopping malls. I like numerators. I like dough. I like navy blue. I like jackals. I like wreaths. I like scurrying. I like sun visors. I like psychotherapy. I like that you’re actually reading this.

lindsay hopkins trojan talk editor I am pessimistic. I hate love. I hate gravity. I hate orthopedics. I hate kindergarten. I hate hypnosis. I hate putty (especially Silly Putty!). I hate dumplings. I hate vaccinations. I hate homesickness. I hate farms. I hate frogs. I hate uneasiness. I hate haystacks. I hate bacon. I hate fierceness. I hate recliner chairs. I hate unhappiness. I hate affection. I hate tubs. I hate annotations. I hate treachery. I hate the number 11. I hate moccasins. I hate snowstorms. I hate polar bears. I hate fumigation. I hate tonsils. I hate tantrums. I hate metaphysics. I hate bedding. I hate Vaseline. I hate buzzards. I hate yams. I hate pantries. I hate wells. I hate dimes. I hate diners. I hate excommunication. I hate glares. I hate sunglasses. I hate toothbrushes. I hate water bottles. I hate chips. I hate shopping malls. I hate numerators. I hate dough. I hate navy blue. I hate jackals. I hate wreaths. I hate scurrying. I hate sun visors. I hate psychotherapy. I hate that you’re actually reading this. I hate reiteration. I hate melons. I hate leapfrog. I hate kites. I hate grapples. I hate the color hazel. I hate

inhabitants. I hate crumbs. I hate schoolboys. I hate harpoons. I hate nuclei. I hate lawsuits. I hate polio. I hate spandex. I hate scales. I hate orange peels. I hate tournaments. I hate feathers. I hate snorkeling. I hate vitamins. I hate grooving. I hate branches. I hate doors. I hate folklore. I hate tributaries. I hate stings. I hate oysters. I hate bricklayers. I hate wiggling. I hate infirmaries. I hate igloos. I hate marshmallow fluff. I hate chins. I hate spotlights. I hate ballerinas. I hate fiberglass. I hate ultimatums. I hate steep hills. I hate freshness. I hate ringworm. I hate appendages. I hate calcium. I despise hugs. I hate somersaults. I hate slaps. I hate pelicans. I hate mohawks. I hate rams. I hate shrubbery. I hate moonlight. I hate peg-legs. I hate dampness. I hate walking. I hate haircuts. I hate home. I hate skillets. I hate leather. I hate pain. I hate wrists. I hate imports. I hate mortals. I hate farewells. I hate batteries. I hate operations. I hate the Periodic Table. I hate mimes. I hate answers. I hate income. I hate flames. I hate caring. I hate cantering. I hate discretion. I hate chemicals. I hate weasels. I hate avocados. I hate neighborhoods. I hate sweat. I hate rain. I hate potion. I hate windows. I hate crushing people. I hate wrapping paper. I hate noon. I hate rectangles. I hate smiling. I hate yetis. I hate running out of room in this column.

N O C

The Laureate Staff 2009-2010

Band will never be a ‘sport’

Editors-in-Chief Emily Kehner Katie Zion Trojan Talk Editor Lindsay Hopkins A&E Editor Taylor Hayes Sports Editor Kevin Ankerholz Comedy Central Editor Courtney Ciesielski JFF Editor Cate Cash Features Editor Emily Weissert The 411 Editor Skye Rubel Centerspread Editor Mary Ann Staak Copy Editors Tyler Molinaro Cory Shaw Staff Writers Amrita Banerjee Alex Medders Frank Coutinho Julia Regeski Katie Hayes Natalie Kieta Jack Herman Advisor Mr. Todd Henry The Laureate is a student publication of Lassiter High School; a member of the Georgia Scholastic Press Association. Editorials reflect the opinions of individual writers and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Lassiter High School, Cobb County Schools, or their administrators. Financial support for The Laureate is obtained through advertising and generous patron contributions. Contact through the school address or by emailing lhspress@gmail.com.

Want to tell LHS how you feel? We welcome guest submissions to The Laureate. [cartoons, editorials, pictures, and more]

LHSPRESS@GMAIL.COM

julia regeski staff As a dedicated and hardworking member of the Lassiter Trojan Marching Band, I’d say I understand exactly what it takes to be a roll-stepping, crowd-pleasing, ten-hutting athlete. However, my usage of the word athlete may be slightly controversial. According to dictionary.com, the definition of the word is “a person trained or gifted in exercises or contests involving physical agility, stamina, or strength; a participant in a sport, exercise, or game requiring physical skill.” All 250 members of the marching band are most certainly athletes. We train about 26 hours a week during football season. That’s including a 12 hour Saturday practice that may entail running laps, continually marching up and down the field at a 6 to 5 (that means fast), and keeping a death grip on onerous instruments pointing up to the sky for minutes at a time. In case you’re unaware of exactly how physical marching is, let me clue you in--it is imperative that your shoulders are kept back and straight at all times. Elbows must be kept out and at the perfect angle, which depends on your instrument, so as to give the illusion of strength and solidarity. Don’t forget to straighten

The VENT

your back the ENTIRE time. Take your doesn’t mean that it qualifies for your first step. Under no circumstances average sport. Ping pong, for example, should your toe be raised any less silly as it is, qualifies as a sport. than 4 inches high; every step, no There is a clear determined winner. exceptions. Kick your leg out rapidly In conclusion, I apologize and quickly, then roll your foot from to all of my fellow band mates who the heel to the toe. The step sizes can do believe band is a sport. Keep vary from 22.5 inches to 30 inches leading your section beyond the extremely rapidly. All the while be sure horizon. Meanwhile, the rest of to keep your burdensomely heavy the world will watch and attempt metal instrument up and at attention. to maintain a more light-hearted All I’m saying is, we work hard. approach to this demanding Despite all my defending of marching extracurricular that just happens to band member’s athletic ability, I do provide physical training. As a matter NOT believe marching band is a sport. of fact, look out your window; you We work that hard for trophies, all of may see a band member going for them neatly lining the band building’s a jog… just watch out for the tubas. walls, which we rightly earn in a COMPETITION. Anything involving judges is most certainly not a sport. This includes everything from competition cheerleading to figure skating to body building. Opinions automatically come into play when a judge makes an impression of a band or any competitor. For example, if the judge doesn’t like the uniforms, doesn’t like the state, the school, the director, whatever, he or she will automatically be biased against them and their performance. That’s just how people are. Just because something lbba.org may or may not require a lot of physical determination Members of the Marching Trojan Band stand and discipline involved at ease before performing at a football game.

compiled by jack herman/ staff

I don’t like when people walk slowly in the hallways.” -Lauren Medders, 9

“I hate over-obnoxious Atlanta sports fans.” -Ben McClesky, 10 “Eddie Printz’s ears.” -Ryan Gildea, 9 “I hate Chicago Cub fans.” -Mitch Shelby, 11

“I hatetupid People.” -Keegan Corley, 10

I don’t like how people call their thighs their thighs when they are standing but once they sit they call it their lap. Why can’t they decide on one name?” -Blair Barron, 10

A&E

Justin Bieber moves to Lassiter District cate cash jff editor

Many of you who are about to read this article will be shocked and amazed at the information I have. The singer/ dancer/ world’s smallest boy, Justin Bieber, recently spilled an important bit of information on an interview with MTV’s news correspondent, Sway Calloway, . He says he will be moving to Roswell, Georgia to start school in Fall 2010! Many girls attending Mabry Middle School are super excited about this new update and cannot wait to welcome their new classmate. Due to the complexity of his lyrics and his high- pitched voice, the state of Georgia has decided to start him off at the middle school. They hope this will save the singer some embarrassment by not directly placing him with high school kids. Therefore, even though Beiber is sixteen he will be entering the sixth grade at Mabry Middle school. The singer says he is looking for his “baby”. He wants a girl who will inspire him to write another song

called “Baby Part Two”. He has heard the girls around here are sufficiently good looking, and he hopes to find his one special girl. This time instead of Ludacris, the song will feature Gucci Mane. Gucci Mane recently stated in a Hollywood club, “The small boy has talent, I feel honored to be recording a song with him. We are gonna find him his baby, but for real this time.” Beiber also commented in his interview that it was actually these rappers who inspired him to move to Atlanta. He says, however, his mom does not think he is ready to live downtown. They found East Cobb to be a suitable place for this tweener to get some lessons in rolling with semi thugs before he moves downtown to rap with the real ones. Having a huge star like Justin Beiber move here will have a huge impact on the culture we know as East Cobb. The singer says he wants to hold a parade in honor of himself every week that will span the length of Shallowford Road. His publicist thinks it is a great idea and The Georgia General

Lil Wayne escapes! katie hayes & tyler molinaro staff writer/ copy editor

As many of you know the beloved rapper, Lil Wayne, began his jail sentence for weapon possession in March. He began serving his time in the highly secured prison, Azkaban. Yes. Don’t act like you don’t know what we’re talking about. But come on now, we’re talking about LIL WAYNE. Did they really think that a prison in the middle of a sea and guarded by Dementors could stop THE Mr. Carter? If so, they thought wrong. Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., aka Lil Wayne, escaped from Azkaban on Friday night and has yet to be found. Sources say that Carter was last seen in a “flying, blue, bloody disgusting” car. It is believed that Lil Wayne was picked up by fellow rappers Eminem and T-Pain from the prison, who used their street smarts to outsmart the guards. Investigators believe that the escape has been in the works for

months, even though he has only been in jail for merely a few weeks. One hypothesis of his escape is that he tortured the Dementors with songs such as Swag Surfin’, causing the Dementors to suck the life out of each other rather than endure “That horrid noise.” D.E. Mentor, the chief guard at Azkaban, commented, “AHHHHH!!!!!!” His supervisor, Dolores Jane Umbrage, was unavailable for comment. Her secretary, Dobie (no relation to Dobby), gleefully reported that his superior was last seen being tortured by vengeful Centaurs in the depths of the Forbidden Forest for possibly assisting in the escape of her favorite nephew, who she refers to as Waynie. If you have any information on Lil Wayne, his whereabouts, please contact 1234-Open-TheDoor. Until such a time as Lil Wayne can be found, the nation will wait in suspense for the time when they can again be “Thuggin’ Like My Daddy.”

WAN TED radiofacts.com

Assembly has already allocated some of next year’s budget to this plan. The singer hopes the parades will drive all of his fans out of their houses to show support for his music. Beiber has even come up with a slogan for himself which he calls, “East Cobb is about to be Beiberized”.

His entire plan is to take over East Cobb by storm. How the citizens will take to this power tripping midget is yet to be determined. All we know is he is coming, and he is ready. The question is, are we?

photobucket.com

An odd obsession with stuffed animals has not helped Bieber’s case to start at LHS.

Should the marching band play popular music at football games?

45% Definitely

30% Can’t understand why they don’t already

25% Of course compiled by the laureate staff

cate cash jff editor

compiled by taylor hayes/ a&e editor

We asked. You listened. Here is your Top 10. 1. Party in the USA -Miley Cyrus 2. The Climb -Miley Cyrus 3. Breakout -Miley Cyrus 4. 7 Things -Miley Cyrus 5. Full Circle -Miley Cyrus 6. The Driveway -Miley Cyrus 7. Fly on the Wall -Miley Cyrus 8. Bottom of the Ocean -Miley Cyrus 9. Wake Up America -Miley Cyrus 10. Goodbye -Miley Cyrus

She’s so out of his league that he didn’t even see it

*Turns out that this poll was actually only participated in by the guys at Walton, Kell, and Pope.

eonline.com

She’s Out of My League is the perfect mix of romance and comedy all rolled up into one great film. The movie stars Kirk (Jay Baruchel), a dorky security boy who works at the local airport. Kirk knows his life sucks and nothing ever works out in his favor. So when he meets Molly (Alice Eve) it never even crosses his mind that this girl could be interested in him. Throughout the movie Kirk sets himself up for failure. He never thinks he will be able to live up to what Molly actually deserves. She deserves, in his mind, something that is completely opposite of him. However, Kirk will come to learn that beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. No matter what you look like, how lame your job is or what kind of car you drive people will continue to love you. The main message of this movie is that there is someone out there for everyone. Even if you are a loser, believe it or not your perfect girl could be a “hard 10”. You just have to not screw it up. One thing that definitely makes this movie funny is all the other characters that surround

Kirk and Molly. From Molly’s best friend Patty (Krysten Ritter) to Kirk’s homeboys Stainer (TJ Miller), Devon (Nate Torrence), and Jack (Mike Vogel), the entire crew makes the movie turn out some serious laughs. Out of all of them, I would have to say Stainer and Patty make you fall in love with this movie. Both of them have

compiled by taylor hayes/ a&e editor

this month

2 The agents of Blink 18 en be and Lil Wayne have ng in talks about comi me so ur to a together for ve time in 2011. They ha st reported to have intere tain having multiple Atlan s ce pla at area concerts s. ilip such as Verizon and Ph

has Bad Boy Records ls tai recently released de sed about twenty unrelea s. ng so BIG Notorious ain nt Three of the songs co pac. verses performed by Tu

A&E MUSIC

w Raffi has released a ne .” album called “Babies on les tit Some of the y the album include “Bab ”, Jaguar”, “Baby Lizard is ich wh g” and “Baby Fro .” also known as “Tadpole

d Madonna has finally retire 7. at the ripe old age of 35 t en ag r he Unfortunately, e sh has reported that n will still make televisio e sh ly nt ce Re appearances. e th on tried to be funny rry Marriage Ref with La is. David and Ricky Gerva

so much to say about the couple’s relationship and their little spats during the movie make it that much better. They will come to learn in the end though, just like everyone else, that it does not matter if you are a five, six, seven, or two, falling in love is something that happens to everyone. Of course I cannot forget Kirk’s family and ex-girlfriend who lives with them. Marnie (Lindsay Sloane) plays the part of Kirk’s ex-girlfriend. She really adds to the story line of this movie by making you laugh at her pathetic attempts to win Kirk back. I promise you if you go to this movie, see it, and pay for it, you will not be disappointed. There is something in here for both guys and girls to enjoy. The great part is the movie is not that inappropriate to go see with your parents either. Just make sure they have a sense of humor first. I would definitely keep younger siblings from this movie though, the just will not get it. Overall, She’s Out of My League made it onto my list of favorite movies I have seen this year and I know everyone reading this will enjoy it just as much as I did. impawards.com

month has Cameron James ect stepped in to dir an ric me “A Green Day’s is th to Idiot” movie. Prior tor announcement the direc be had been chosen to on rd wo Tom Hanks. No vie whether or not the mo ora. will take place on Pand

r In a recent Justin Biebe , ore ltim concert in Ba or Maryland, a spectat ice recorded Bieber’s vo r pe es tim cracking 10 st pa verse. That beats the r world record of 6 times pe r. rte Ca ron minute set by Aa

en Susan Boyle has be nt Ce 50 working with ing uc and Dr. Dre on prod a surprise rap album t in which she spits ho r he t British fire abou escapades in knitting . and being from England

Features

Lassiter students in the kitchen wishes are finally coming true! This class will concentrate on the basics – necessary A new year brings new nutritional skills, key change and this school year was no dietary information, different. It brought many changes, basic food preparation, some good and some bad, to the halls and more. The kitchen of Lassiter High School. But what basics are a priority does next year have to offer? Will it to prevent future be able to live up to the changes this accidental home fires, year brought? It most certainly will as well as teaching with the new class addition Lassiter the basic food groups and including plans to offer: Home Economics. them in every meal. However, food will not always Ever popular be the subject of with those who discussion. Sewing attended Simpson and needlework Middle School, home will be in the economics brought curriculum as well. them monkey bread It is important that and a variety of other every person be assorted goodies, capable of making as well as many a decent dishrag other simple homely or pot holder, and skills. Mabry Middle these projects School was not will be graded on blessed with a Home Due Economics class, but katie hayes/staff perfection. to the expected it was never far from of the wish list of many Vending machines will not longer popularity be a staple food source at school. this course, it students. Well, their

emily weissert features editor

will be filled on a first come first served basis. So register now! The school board decided on this new course after a recent survey by an anonymous source stated, “The lack of home economics courses in grade schools is influencing the health of the nation. People do not know how to feed their families in healthy ways because they were never taught it. Obesity is a problem in this country and it has been found that home economics is a proven method in fighting that obesity.” This study and many others have found the same thing to be true. Therefore the school board is doing their part in fighting the problems of the nation. This class is expected to be extremely popular, and one that students will surely not skip. Due to the popular content of this course, the class is expected to fill up fast. So sign up quickly, if not for the baked goods, than for the cute pot holder you bring home at the end of the year.

Arthur

The WIld Thornberrys Hey Arnold

Rugrats

CatDog Doug

Rocket Power Power Puff Girls

Favorite Cartoons of the 90s The classic shows we all grew up watching and loving.

Academic Pep Rally:Lassiter’s Got Talent natalie kieta staff With the enormous banner hung and the lights dimmed, more than 900 Lassiter students gathered in the theater, awaiting the Academic Pep Rally. This year’s theme was “Lassiter’s Got Talent,” and more than 17 students and teachers performed various routines to show off their talent. Although the event was almost two hours long, all of the students were fully captivated by each performance. This event, however, was reserved only for students who had earned a 3.0 GPA or higher in the previous semester. It was a great reward, not only because students were able to skip class, but also because the talent exhibited was truly a sight to see. The gym was packed with students from all grade levels, who waited anxiously for the show to begin. First, the 3 judges were introduced. Mr. Henry, Coach Rustay, and Senora Hotle offered their critiques for each of the performances. Mr. Henry had a Simon Cowell-like persona as he used his large vocabulary to disguise his harsh commentary. Mrs. Hotle was

her bubbly self, only expressing the kindest of thoughts. Coach Rustay was a man of few words, only adding a word here and there. Three juniors – Eli Long, Will Prosperi, and Taylor Bradley – held up signs after each act with either an “x” or a check mark. The opening act consisted of a very difficult routine choreographed by the cheerleaders. With back tucks and layouts galore, it was extremely impressive. Some acts were creative dances, such as the freestyle done by James Ku. The crowd watched in awe and numerous students whispered to one another “woah, that’s so cool,” or “I wish I could do that!” One of the crowd favorites was the singing composition done by Mrs. Poss and Mr. Slater, entitled “I Will Derive.” The lyrics amused the students, especially those who understand the math lingo. Suzanna Higman sang a song in Polish, and the halfway through switched to singing in English! Ms. Adams

and Mrs. Vinyard perfected a batontwirling routine. Who knew they possessed this hidden talent?! Joey Simon and Alex Guthrie both had amazing guitar compositions. Next, Mrs. Perkerson and Mrs. Cook created a dance routine to a mixed variety of songs, including some classics like the Macarena and other more The closing act wow’ed the audience. recent favorites. Sean Concepcion worthy of mention, like those of had an impressive juggling routine Mikhaela Singleton, Tanner Reichard, that inspired many, while Kayla Picchi Mrs. McLaughlin, Jonathan Coty, and Mary-Ann Staak brought it back and Mrs. Crandall and Mrs. Thomas. to the days of kindergarten with a The pep-rally ran very smoothly, choreographed dance to “Upside thanks to the months of preparation Down.” Then, just as Ms. Nichols on the part of the Renaissance (the show’s emcee) announced team and its various committees that the students should return dedicated to perfecting various to class, Will Fortanbary, Leland aspects of the production. The Gross, Chris Walsh, and Clark decorations committee had the task Franzman emerged from of painting the enormous banner the crowd and closed the that hung as the primary visual for show with an incredible the event. The Renaissance students dance to a variety of watched with great pride, a sense of songs. This group is accomplishment, and a slight sense of a bona fide Lassiter relief that everything went as well as favorite, and this year’s it did. Overall, the whole production performance included the was a great success made possible unexpected “Love Story” through lots of hard work and effort. by Taylor Swift. There were many other performances photos courtesy of emily kehner/staff

Teacher make-overs: a stylish success

annabel edwards staff

A fashion miracle has blessed the halls of Lassiter. Two teachers, Ms. Beal and Ms. Green, would not have been classified by most as fashionistas when they left Monday, March 8th. However, by the end of the week the two women had transformed from dowdy to dazzling with new wardrobes, hairstyles, and makeup. The transformation was not only physical; both teachers appeared to be more confident and seemed happier. Who was the cause of this good fortune? None other than Mrs. Palmer, Lassiter High School’s Fashion Marketing teacher. Mrs. Palmer thought up the project about 8 months ago. Her idea was to provide the fashion-impaired teachers at Lassiter with a boost of style expertise while allowing her fashion marketing students a real world learning experience. The project, Mrs.

Palmer decided, would allow two lucky teachers to receive an entire makeover. By partnering with The Avenue East Cobb, Mrs. Palmer was provided with the resources she needed to pull the project off. Thus, the Style Upgrade Project was born. Unlike contestants on the show “What Not to Wear,” the teachers were not nominated by their friends and family and then ambushed with a camera crew. Instead, participants were self-nominated. The fashion marketing students became busy first with promoting the project. The students worked with The Avenue to develop the name, poster, and logo design for the project. Their promotional techniques ranged from posting flyers on all available surfaces around Lassiter to handing out packages of jellybeans to help publicize the project. The students also designed a teacher entry form, and over thirty teachers entered. The teachers were then interviewed

by the fashion marketing students, who narrowed down the list to 5 finalists. The finalists included Ms. Beal, Ms. Cook, Ms. Green, Ms. Mathews and Ms. Prestwood. The rest of Lassiter’s population voted for the winners on The Style Upgrade website. The website featured “before” photos of the five finalists, which were taken at The Avenue East Cobb, and voting was available for 10 days, over which more than 7,800 votes were cast. The two winners were announced as Ms. Beal and Ms. Green during the morning announcements. Both won a $1,000 makeover package from The Avenue East Cobb. Their makeover included new glasses from LensCrafters, a shopping consultation with Lassiter’s Fashion Marketing students, shoes from Aerosoles, and of course new clothes and

accessories from Chico’s and Talbots. Both Ms. Beal and Ms. Green were also taught how to do their makeup and received a haircut and color from Van Michael Salon. Finally, both had their before and after pictures taken by Clix Portrait Studios at The Avenue. Of course, the other three finalists were not forgotten. Ms. Cook, Ms. Mathews, and Ms. Prestwood all received a gift basket with a value of $135. All were also given the chance to have a fashion consultation with the Fashion Marketing students, during which the teachers were taught how to shop and dress for their body type. The project was certainly beneficial for all those involved. The students learned elements of design and principles of promotion. And, of course, the teachers received total makeovers, which, according to Mrs. Palmer, anyone could use, stating, “If it wasn’t my project, I’d enter!” photos courtesy of mrs. palmer

We all know that the best way to celebrate April Fool’s Day is to pull a prank on someone. Whether it’s your best friend, your brother, or a complete stranger, become a mastermind of your own plot in order to pull an ingenious prank. The purpose? Your own enjoyment.

the

t s be

pranks

Pranks that you can pull yourself: --- Give

someone breakfast. Set it up with them beforehand that you

are going to have breakfast for them. Make it a box of cocoa puffs with dog food instead of the cereal itself.

--- Write

a love letter. Make it disgustingly gushy, and make it from someone you know they hate.

--- Shrink --- Replace

wrap everything in someone’s car.

someone’s toothpaste with molasses, glue, syrup--

--- Remove

anything.

the springs from each of the victim’s pens.

Taco Bell claimed that the U.S. Government had sold them the rights for the Liberty Bell and that they had changed its name to the Taco Liberty Bell. When asked about the sale, the White House Press Secretary admitted that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

1957:

information courtesy of museumofhoaxes.com

1996:

thinking outside the bun

the Swiss spaghetti harvest

BBC reported that farmers in Switzerland were enjoying a bumper crop from their spaghetti trees due to the elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil. Film of farmers pulling spaghetti from trees accompanied the reports. Viewers wondering how to grow their own were told “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.”

1989: UFO lands in London

Thousands of people driving on April 1, 1989 saw a glowing flying saucer landing in London. Immediately, the event was called in to the police, who discovered the “crash site” and found that a flying saucer really had landed. One brave officer who approached the ship was confronted by a small, silver-suited figure. The UFO turned out to be a hot air balloon that had been specifically designed to look like a UFO.

ever

1998: A New kind of Pi

The “New Mexicans for Science and Reason” distributed a newsletter containing an article about the current value of pi. It stated that the Alabama legislature had voted to change the mathematical constant from its traditional 3.1415926535... to the “Biblical” value of 3.0. With the help of the internet and the forwarding of emails, this outbreak of news quickly spread from Alabama to the entire world. It received many emails and phone calls protesting the legislation.

pulled* *The Laureate is not responsible or liable for any lost, damaged, or broken people, items, or things of any kind. Pursue such reckless ideas at your own risk!

Comedy Central

Unacceptable tyler molinaro copy editor

I’ve had to walk to school one day in my entire school career. Due to a complicated series of events, I ended up walking with a group of friends about 2 miles to Lassiter. It was on March 22, so safely in spring, or so I had thought beforehand. Before, that is, it started to snow. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. One day I looked around the lunchroom just in time to see a guy nodding his head and tensing up. I moved closer to see what was going on. The girl he was nodding to unbent a paperclip and said, “You sure about this?” He nodded once more. Without any more ado, she shoved the paperclip through his ear. As my mouth hung open and I stood in the middle of the aisle, I was bumped. I reeled a w a y , keeping the food on my tray from falling off. The kid tossed the paperclip behind him. It landed on my sandwich. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I was using a bookmark made of glue to mark my place in a book I had to read for school. The weather was really nice so I went outside to read and then left my book out on accident. Glue bookmarks melt. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I need a new bookmark. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I need a new book. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. Unacceptibilitousness is not a word. Powers that be the unacceptibilitousness of this fact is overwhelming. I was going rappelling. The instructor told me to lean back. I did. I ended up upside down in a “spider” position. “Not that far back,” the instructor then said. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I’m about halfway done with my school career. Powers

that be, this is unacceptable. We put a webcam on the computer at my house. It’s starting to make me feel like I’m being watched. Reading “1984” isn’t helping. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I am up to twenty-seven people now who have come up to me asking what “powers that be” are. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. There are probably many more who don’t care enough to find out. Powers that be, this is unacceptable-er. My fish was eaten by a coral in the tank. Moby the Goby is no more. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. The coral died because it ate the fish. Though justice is served, Powers that be, this is unacceptable. One year for April Fool’s Day my parents presented my siblings and me with bowls of Cocoa Puffs. Dog food is as bad as you would imagine. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I saw that the clock read 12:58. The first thing I thought was: sacking of Baghdad. Powers that be, this is unacceptable. I will not d e r i v e . Powers that be, this is unacceptable. The secondary headlines on the news are currently: “Sandstroms Choke China” and “Landmark Health Care Bill Passes.” The top story, though, happens to be “Jeans in the Style of the U.S. Olympic Snowboarding Team are Now on Sale.” Powers that be, this is unacceptable. There is such a thing as Lucky Charms chap stick. It tastes like the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. Powers that be, this is acceptable.

“I am up to twentyseven people now who have come up to me asking what ‘powers that be’ are.”

Editor’s note: For this issue in honor of April Fool’s Day, I asked Tyler to change up his ‘Unacceptable’ article and instead write one titled ‘Acceptable.’ Tyler, powers that be, this is truly unacceptable.

[SFLN]:

[statuses from last night]

Remember that status you posted on facebook last night? We do... The gov book is infront of me... but it’s not opening because books are not alive. checking word count after every sentence i type is not making this paper go any faster... because word count doesn’t write your papers for you. question of the day: has anybody EVER gotten every single cupcake out of the box of cupcake mix? It SAYS it makes 24 but so far my record is 22 and it was a pretty close call! yes. i have. Forgot how to do homework then get off facebook and remember, got into ole miss..time to make some chooses looks like ole miss is taking just about anybody these days compiled by the laureate staff

13 The days of the week if they were people taylor hayes & emily weissert a&e editor/features editor

Monday

The lady who always tells “that” joke to completely kill any mood (aka, Debbie Downer).

Wednesday

He’s the guy who is doing his own thing and he gets the respect of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but they understand that he is not a part of their group and has no desire to be. When it comes to sending out invites on Facebook for the giant party Saturday is throwing, Wednesday always gets an invite, but never goes (aka, Johnny Depp).

He’s the guy who gets everyone pumped for the weekend. Everyone has mixed feelings about him, although most people are generally happy to see him. He’s the average, everyday, normal guy (aka, Jon Lajoie).

Friday

She is the girl who both guys and girls fantasize about, kind of like Megan Fox. You know she’s got that swag (aka, Angelina Jolie).

Sunday

Tuesday

He’s the guy who nobody really enjoys but thinks that he is cool enough to hang out with Thursday, Friday and Saturday (aka, myspace guy from SuperBad).

Thursday

Saturday

He is the slacker in school, but when it comes to letting loose, this guy knows what he is doing. He threw that party last year on top of the Best Buy and managed to get in zero trouble. All he cares about is a good time (aka, Belushi from Animal House).

Usually really calm, but when confronted or faced with any sort of task he becomes flustered. He’s the guy nobody really knows what he does, probably because he does nothing (aka, Milton from Office Space).

photos courtesy of google

Comedy Central

L exophile s: fo r t h e lovers o f wo rd s courtesy of kevin ankerholz sports edior

--A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired. --Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. --In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes. --A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. --With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. --Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner. --The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine fully recovered. --A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. --A calendar’s days are numbered. --A boiled egg is hard to beat. --He had a photographic memory which was never developed. --The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. --When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall. --When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

The Darwin Awards

--Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. --Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. --Acupuncture: a jab well done. --Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. --I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. --She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. --A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. --No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. --A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. --Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. --A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. --Atheism is a non-prophet organization. --Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’ --The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. --Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

15 A

spring

taylor hayes a&e editor “Alright bro, I’ll meet you guys at the terminal tomorrow around 9:30,” said Jake. “Yeah, we’ll be there,” replied Mike. Jake had just finished packing his bags and put them by the front door. Everything was in place for the greatest spring break ever. He walked over to bed, set his alarm, and went to sleep. Jake’s alarm went off at 7:30 in the morning: “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy, Grab my glasses I’m out the…” Jake woke up, turned off his alarm, took a shower, ate some breakfast, and was on his way to the airport. Just as they had planned, Jake, Mike and company all met at Terminal A42, right next to the Cinnabon. They boarded their flight to Cancun and landed in their Spring Break destination soon after. The gang picked up their bags and arrived at the hotel lobby. “Hey, we’re here to pick-up our room keys. We have reserved the Kapula Suite for the next five days. The reservation is under my name: Phillips,” said Jake. “Glad you are here gentleman. I’ll look up your name right now and we will get you on your

break

vacation as soon as possible,” said Rachel, the concierge. “Can you spell your last name for me Mr. Phillips?” “Yeah sure…P-H-I-L-L-IP-S,” said Jake as Rachel tried again to find their reservation. “Are you guys sure that you reserved the Kapula Suite under Mr. Phillips’ name?” asked Rachel. “Yes, I’m 110% sure that I booked the Kapula Suite for 5 days under the name Jake Phillips.” “Well I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your reser vation never made its way into our d a t a b a s e .” “But I have the confirmation page right here…” said Jake as he plunged both hands into his pockets to pull out the evidence, only to find a page from the Sky Mall catalog. “Wait Jake, which piece of paper did we use to play that game with the boxes and the dots on the flight?” said Mike. “Um, it was the definitely the hotel confirmation, but I thought I put it back into my pocket after we finished?” “Well when you went to the bathroom, I spilled my ¼ can of Coke on our game, so I trashed it and

full

ripped a page out of that magazine.” “So you sacrificed our hotel reservation into the depths on an airplane trash can?!” “I sacrificed it?!” exclaimed Mike, “YOU are the one who insisted we play that stupid game on the back of it! I had no idea that piece of paper was even important.” “Well what are we going to do? Rachel, do we have any options?” asked Jake. “Well we have a single room av a i l a b l e but its maximum capacity is 4 guests, and since you have 5 members in your party, it isn’t really an option,” Rachel replied. “OK, here is what we’re going to do. Jake you are out of luck. You were responsible for the hotel and you blew it, so Rachel… the four of us will take that single room,” said Mike. “Woah, woah, woah! That is not fair, bro! It isn’t like I meant to do it!” “Sorry Jake, we just can’t let your mistake ruin our Spring Break. I guess you’ll have to find another place or a flight home.” “Whatever, you guys are terrible friends. I’m just going home;

“Airport Security used ‘necessary’ force to take Jake down with their tasers. The day could not have gone any worse.”

Cut this box out to receive a

FREE copy of the next issue of the Laureate! This does not actually exist. If you are reading this small print, you fell for the fact that this coupon may actually be real. Since you have never had to pay for an issue of the Laureate, why would you start having to do so now? Happy April Fool’s Day.

disaster

I hope your vacation really blows.” Jake stomped his way out of the hotel, hailed a cab, and went back to the airport. After rebooking his flight and checking his bags, Jake grabbed a seat at an airport Applebee’s and began to eat his way into a sad depression. He ordered two orders of mozzarella sticks, a buffalo chicken tender basket, and the rest of the Molten Death Double Chocolate cake. To Jake’s misfortune, the bill finally arrived and he sent the waiter away with his MasterCard. “Mr. Phillips, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your credit card has been declined as someone reported it stolen. By protocol, I am forced to report you to the authorities. They are on their way.” Jake responded, “Well that would happen to…” as Airport Security used “necessary” force to take Jake down with their tasers. The day could not have gone any worse. The alarm went off: “It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up…” and Jake turned it off as he woke up sweating to realize that the past series of events was really just part of his dream. Jake sat up, completely relieved that he had not ruined his spring break. Jake then looked at the clock which read 1:30 PM. Jake had missed his flight. Spring Break was still ruined.

Fail of the Month

HEALTHCARE.

JFF

CrossText Game created by Cory Shaw Across 1) 639_537739 5) 429244 7) 9274464866 8) 4367442 9) 2522262 10) 62772248738837

Where’s Troy the Trojan?

Do you see Troy anywhere? We have hidden our friend Troy in this issue of the Laureate! He could be hanging out on the back or hiding in Trojan Talk. It is up to you to find him. Once you spot him, go see Mr. Henry in Room 906 to claim your prize!

~SUDOKU~

9 6

“Suddenly she said fifteen and I just lost it.”

“No matter what, I know that one day Disney World will need me and I will not answer their call.”

“The school came out of nowhere.”

Heard in the Halls

“Why would anyone jump off the water bottle? You must stay on it at all times!”

Down 2) 76884_22765462 3) 2254367642 4) 84744642 6) 3567432

“I seriously have no clue why she felt the need to tell me she felt like an apple that day.”

So much for T9! How to play: Use the phone keypad to the right to decode the clues. For Example 2 could be A, B, or C and the clue 547 could be “LHS”… Theme: States with the best beaches.

“She screamed and I hopped over the candle, it was so strange.” “It’s just string cheese... it won’t bite you.”

2 7

“It was pinker than a sheet stuck to the bottom of your pants.”

17 Advice from Courtney and Taylor

compiled by amrita banerjee/staff Aries (March 21-April 19): Your symbol is the Ram; your element is Fire; your ruling planet is Mars; and your lucky gem is Diamond. This period of time is always the state of something energetic. You’re competitive and eager to do something. Your strengths include courage and self-confidences and your weaknesses include impatience and conflicts. You prefer the outdoors instead of the indoors.

cate cash/staff

Dear Courtney and Taylor, I suddenly hopped on the scale the other day and realized I have definitely put on some poundage during the winter months. I am freaking out! Prom, Spring Break, and bathing suit season are all just around the corner. How do I get ready for those things when all I can think about is drowning this sorrow in a box of Oreos? Sincerely, Fatty Patty Dear Fatty Patty, So you look in the mirror

and say, “Hey fat slob!” The fat slob responds, “Hey you look delicious…” It has reached that point: you have gotten so out of shape that eating is the only thing on your mind. Instead of running around the neighborhood, you’ve been glued to the couch playing Modern Warfare 2 for the past 10 weeks. Instead of eating salad and drinking water, you’ve finished off 4 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies (probably Tagalongs because they are better than those lame Thin Mints and Samoas, and don’t even think about any other kinds because that’s laughable) and your second 12-pack of Mountain Dew. At times, eating a box of Girl Scout Cookies and drinking some soda while playing some C.o.D. is fine, but when that is literally all you do, it is time for a change. Attack your problem with baby steps. Introduce exercising or a healthy diet at first. You could run to that McDonald’s down the street and then get the Big Mac combo supersized. You are probably going to have to walk home, as running with all of that “food” in your stomach will indefinitely result in some spew-age. On the other hand you could stick with your video games

Horoscopes

but munch on a salad or an apple. It takes time to completely change your lifestyle, so don’t expect to be able to jump into a 100% healthy diet and an extreme exercise routine without any repercussions. Your body might react weirdly when you stop drinking 5-6 Mountain Dews a day, or suddenly start to run until

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your symbol is the Bull; your element is the Earth; your ruling planet is Venus; and your lucky gem is Emerald. You’re very materialistic, yet people can rely on you easily. You can be stubborn, but when it comes to work, you will work until the job is finished. You’re also very creative and enjoy arts/crafts. Your strengths include that you can be depended on and you are patient.

Dear Fatty Patty, Since you ate your way

through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s parties, Super Bowl parties, and whatever else, you must now pay the price. You probably just realized that you added twelve pounds after hibernating for three months. No worries, though. It will be just as easy to lose those pounds as it was to gain them. Actually, that’s a lie. It is going to take some hard workouts for you to lose those protective winter layers. It can definitely be done, though. Your first step should be to join the YMCA, LA Fitness, or

Need Advice?

you can watch your favorite shows while you burn calories (and because you probably are used to watching TV 24/7). Making a gym part of your weekly routine will definitely help you shed your unwanted pounds. I know that gyms can be expensive, and let’s say you don’t have a lot of money. No problem. You can do basically all of the same exercises that you would do at the gym right at your own home. Take a run around your neighborhood. Instead of using the elliptical, hop on your most likely cobweb-covered thing called a bicycle and ride around the neighborhood for twenty or so minutes. If your neighborhood has a lot of hills, this will just add to the degree of difficulty in your workout. If you just can’t bear to miss a minute of your favorite TV show, lie down in front of your TV and do crunches or other abdominal exercises. Home workouts are just as good for your body as the ones you would get at the gym. Even though spring break is just around the corner, don’t stress. Just set a time to work out three or four times a week and stick to it. The pounds will fly off before you know it. If you want to adjust your eating habits as well, try something like the Special K diet. If you haven’t seen the commercials, “you can lose 6 pounds in 2 weeks!” -Courtney

Do you have a problem that needs to be solved? Bring your idea to Mr. Henry in Room 906 and you just could be our next Fatty Patty you pass out. So start it off slow: introduce some running, jogging or biking into your everyday life. Along with the addition of cardio, every time you grab that box of Tagalongs tell yourself that you will only eat 1-2 rows, even though the other rows will deceptively stare at you until you put them back in the freezer. -Taylor

LifeTime. You pay for your monthly membership, and you can go in and use whatever machines you want for as long as you’d like. For another fee you can hire a personal trainer to take you around and show you what exercise machines would most benefit you and your personal fitness. A lot of these places have TVs attached to machines such as the treadmill, so

Sports

Mason de-commits from UGA, heads to University of Phoenix kevin ankerholz sports editor

After much deliberation, Lassiter senior quarterback Hutson Mason has shocked the college football world: he has de-committed from the University of Georgia in order to take a scholarship offer from the University of Phoenix. After this shocking decision, Lassiter nation is utterly perplexed. Why would Mason pass up an offer to play quarterback at an SEC powerhouse to accept an offer at a Division 8 school? When asked about the decision, Mason replied, “Just look at the histories of the programs. Although UGA has a successful history, the University of Phoenix has never lost a football game. At UGA, I would’ve been just another quarterback in a long history of successful quarterbacks, but at Phoenix, I can be a four year starter and continue the undefeated tradition. Also, the crowds at Phoenix will be electric. With an undergraduate enrollment of 412,000 students, the University of Phoenix is the largest University in the country. The crowds at Sanford Stadium will be no match

for the crowds at The University of Phoenix stadium.” At the University of Phoenix, Mason will pair up with wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald in what should be a dynamic duo. When asked about the arrival of Mason, Fitzgerald commented, “I am thrilled about playing with Mason. The University of Phoenix has always lacked a good quarterback, and now we have one who can lead us to a Division 8 National Championship.” Although Mason’s logic seems sound, he has failed to realize one important fact: Although the University of Phoenix has never lost a football game, they have never won a football game either. In fact, the University of Phoenix does not even have a football team! When informed about this news, Mason responded, “I do not believe these lies. I AM A PHOENIX!” Senior quarterback Hutson Mason scans the opposing defense during the Colquitt County Game. Mason will squander his opportunity to play at UGA in order to play on the nonexistent University of Phoenix football team.

lassiterfootball.net

LHS quidditch team snatches the snitch jack herman staff writer

Lassiter’s 2010 quidditch team is on a roll to start the season. After defeating Pope in a close match, Lassiter swept into Kell and defeated their powerhouse program after a 2 month match that ended with team captain Emily Weissert catching the golden snitch and doing a complete 360 into the stands. Regarding the win, Weissert said, “It was a great win. I am really proud of our team. Goal keeper Natalie Kieta really played her heart out and lived up to the nickname of the Polish Power House.” It was a big win for a program that has lacked big wins in its history. After not making the playoffs for 22 straight seasons and totaling 1 win in that time period, it seems as if this year’s Trojans appear more than capable of going to the playoffs. Beater

Courtney Ciesielski has had a superb year. She leads the county with the most players hit off their broom at 84 in 9 games. So far this season the mighty Trojans are unstoppable with an impressive record of 8-1. Some other impressive wins include victories at Campbell, at Centennial, and at home against Sprayberry. Head coach Todd Henry remarked, “We are a really cohesive unit this season. We have a lot of talent from rookie Katie Hayes (chaser) to veteran assist leader Emily Weissert. There is no doubt in my mind we will win state. We are among the most elite in the nation. I have a personal message for defending state champion Etowah: We are

coming for you whether you like it or not.” It’s evident where this year’s team gets its cocky, flamboyant personality; it comes from veteran Coach Todd Henry, senior Offensive Coordinator Katie Zion, and junior defensive guru Lindsay Hopkins. These amazing coaches have created a new atmosphere that makes everyone realize their potential greatness. But what is odd about this team is that there is not just one dominating factor. Sure they have the Polish Power, but they also have a great starting team and a deep, solidified bench. The Trojans go deep, and their nine man roster includes: Amrita Banarjee, Katie Hayes, Mary Ann Staak, Cate Cash, Courtney Ciesielski, Emily Weissert, Natalie Kieta, Julia Regeski, and Skye Rubel. Each of these players brings an aspect to the game that is unique and impressive to say the least. One thing is for certain: it’s going to be a big year for these Trojans.

alex medders/staff

Mathlete of the Month: Katie Crane emily kehner editor-in-chief

Although she shines in every school subject, senior Katie Crane is certainly a star in the math department. After taking Algebra I and Geometry at Mabry Middle School, she smoothly moved through Synergy Algebra II, AP Statistics, and Honors Analysis here at Lassiter. Now in Mr. Slater’s AP Calculus BC course, Katie continues to excel in mathematics both in and out of the classroom. After experiencing such enthusiastic math teachers like Ms. Poss, Ms. Linner, and Mr. Slater, it is easy to see why Katie was so inspired to get involved in math. In her extracurricular activities, Katie participates in Mu Alpha Theta, which is a math honor society. This year, Katie has even taken on a leadership

role in this organization, serving as the President. In order to take this position, Katie was nominated and elected by her peers, the members of Mu Alpha Theta. As President, Katie is responsible for planning meetings and events such as math tournaments and Math Teacher Appreciation Week, which took place in March. Katie also participates in Lassiter’s math team. She is an active varsity member; she travels with the team to tournaments and helps run those held at Lassiter. Katie is clearly an asset to the math team. Ms. Poss, one of the team’s advisors, says that Katie is “an excellent leader who thinks outside the box.” Katie also excels in other subject areas. Besides Calculus, her senior year course load includes AP Physics, AP Literature, AP Government, AP Microeconomics, and AP Psychology. Because of her hard work and success throughout high school, Katie is also a National Merit Scholar—one of just four in her grade at Lassiter. She also plays cello in Lassiter’s Chamber Orchestra.

She is an active member of National Honor Society, Tri-M, Science NHS, and more. Outside of the school day, Katie also has many friends, and she enjoys spending her free time with them. As for the future, Katie plans to attend either Columbia University or Georgia Tech. She will major in Biomedical Engineering and hopes to continue on through graduate school to enhance her education. She hopes to become an engineer with not only a lucrative career, but also one that is very interesting and helps the world! After establishing herself as one of the smartest, hardest-working, kindest, and most genuine people at Lassiter, Katie Crane is absolutely destined for success in any path she may choose for her future.

emily kehner/staff Katie studies hard for an AP Calculus BC test. Her great study skills have led her to achieve high math grades.

“Team Chillen” storms the ice in the 2014 Winter Olympics alex medders staff writer Since its inception in 1981, Lassiter has had its fair share of important people come and go. There have been a wide variety of individuals ranging from the first female “B-52” fighter pilot to the swimming world record holder in men’s 400 freestyle relay. Quite recently, Lassiter has seen the dawning of a new age. Two young athletes have taken Lassiter by storm. These two young men go by the names of Jack Herman and Parker Roush. Jack and Parker are part of a nationally renowned curling team, respectively called “Team Chillen.” The team is sponsored by “Chillen Mitch Reaves Style,” coached by Morgan McClung, and managed by none other than the “Golden Boy” himself, A.J. Perez. According to Herman and Roush, “We came in fourth place in the 2002 Olympics, but because we

did such a ‘sub-par’ job, we’ve been in hiding and working to perfect our game; it’s what has inspired us for the past eight years.” “We are currently looking for two more team members because after the 2002 upset, the other half of our team disbanded from us,” stated Roush. When asked what their most memorable moment on the ice was, Herman remarked, “The 2002 Olympic qualifier was a great moment in our team’s history. We ended up placing first by beating Britain in the first round, 10-8, beating Germany in the second, 14-3, but sadly we lost to Russia in the third round, only to claim the victory after Russia was disqualified for steroids and beaver tranquilizers.” Roush then remarked, “One of my greatest inspirations ever since I was a little boy would have to be Chaz Michael Michaels. He inspired me to get off my butt and get on the ice!” Herman and Roush went on to say, “Another

major facet of our team would have to be our outstanding nutritionist, Spencer Roush. If it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be in the optimal shape we’re in today!” When the Sochi, Russia, 2014 Winter Olympics roll around, be sure to keep an eye open for Herman, Roush, and company while they shred the competition. When asked what he believes his teammate’s best feature is, Roush stated, “Jack has the finesse of a Puma.” Herman reciprocated with, “Parker is an outstanding sweeper; one of the best out there.” In their most recent practice sessions, “Team Chillen” has proven to have the determination of Michael Phelps and the godly charm of Apollo Anton

Below: Sophomore curling phenoms Jack Herman (left) and Parker Roush (right) are poised to capture gold at the 2014 Winter Olympics.

alex medders/staff Ohno. With all this in mind, you can rest assured that the U.S. has secured the 2014 gold in the glorious sport of curling.

April Fool’s! Just in case you didn’t notice, the following articles weren’t exactly truthful... Obama to speak at graduation, page 2 Flood days cancel Spring Break, page 2 Earth declared no longer a planet, page 2 Bulletin of the Bizarre, page 3 A deadly typo, page 3 Introducing Lassiter’s new hall monitors, page 5 Justin Bieber moves to Lassiter district, page 6 Lil Wayne escapes, page 6 This Month in A&E, page 7 Lassiter students in the kitchen, page 8 Hutson Mason to University of Phoenix, page 18 LHS quidditch team snatches the snitch, page 18 Team “Chillen” storms the ice, page 19

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April