Life Giving Marriage by Lifetogether Ministries

Michael and Laura Fletcher

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LIFE-GIVING MARRIAGE

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CONTENTS Endorsements 04 Foreword by Greg Surratt 06 Introduction 08 Using This Workbook (Read This First) 10 Outline of Each Session 12

SESSION 1

Life-Giving Communication 14

SESSION 2

is retained by Brett Eastman.

Life-Giving Love & Respect

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotes

SESSION 3

Life-Giving Money Decisions

28 46

SESSION 4

Keys to Life-Giving Sex

SESSION 5

Photo submissions by Meg Barge, Zachary J. Bobo, and Bryanna Punches.

Building a Life-Giving Family

SESSION 6

Life-Giving Marriage for the Long Haul

ISBN:

APPENDICES

978-1-940077-35-2 Printed in the United States of America

Meeting Structure 103 Frequently Asked Questions 104 Small Group Agreement 106 Small Group Calendar 107 Accountability Partners’ Check-In 108 Prayer and Praise Report 109 Small Group Roster 117

SMALL GROUP LEADERS

Hosting an Open House 111 Hosting for the First Time 112 Leadership Training 101 114 Circles of Life Diagram 116 L I F E G I V I N G 2

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ENDORSEMENTS Larry Osborne “Our marriages and families are far too Author and Pastor, North important to simply take for granted. They Coast Church need focus and work. Inertia is not a friend. That’s why I encourage you to read Michael Fletcher’s new study, LifeGiving Marriage. It will help you deepen and strengthen the life-giving attitudes and practices that make for life-giving marriage.”

Stephen Mansfield “The mystery, the majesty and even the New York Times mundane matters of marriage are all Bestselling Author explored in this brilliant series of studies. I wish it had graced my life decades ago!”

Dave Travis “All pastors tend to agree that strong CEO, Leadership marriages are foundational to a strong Network church. But besides preaching on the topic a few times a year, what are the ways that healthy marriages can be sustained and nurtured. “My friend Michael Fletcher and his team at Manna Church have assembled a great program that helps your church take significant next steps in not only driving the message home, but giving hands on practical tools for couples to build on in a small group setting. “This tool – a combination of videos, Bible Study and small group discussion – enables church leaders to drive home the importance of healthy marriage in a practical and accessible way.”

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Rob Ketterling “Communication in marriage is so Lead Pastor, River important. Learn how to communicate Valley Church better from Godly teaching and biblical wisdom. This amazing resource will grow your marriage, relationship with God, and family! Don’t miss out on this great teaching!”

Matt Redman “Michael and Laura Fletcher have warm Songwriter and hearts and wise minds – and their six-week Worship Leader study on a ‘LifeGiving Marriage’ reflects that brilliantly. The advice given in this great book is very practical and very biblical - and I know it will help a lot of people.”

Chris Hodges Senior Pastor, Church of the Highlands, Author of Fresh Air and Four Cups

“Finding nourishing support for your marriage can be challenging in today’s culture – all the more reason to focus on what you both need to thrive together. The LifeGiving Marriage campaign by my friends Michael and Laura Fletcher does exactly that—it breathes new life into one of God’s greatest gifts, our relationships with our spouses. Firmly grounded in biblical truth and fertilized by honest, practical instruction, this dynamic material will improve your marriage and draw you both closer to God.”

Greg Surratt “None of our marriages have reached Founding Pastor of their full potential, and that’s why I’m Seacoast Church so glad Michael has written this book. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for decades, you need to go through LifeGiving Marriage together. It can transform your marriage and bring the two of you closer to all that God has for you!”

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Debbie and I are from Colorado and whenever we go back, we like to go to the mountains. We usually take day-trips and just drive for a while. There are some shortcuts now, routes that weren’t available when we used to live there. They made the road safer and actually cut through the mountains in a couple of places so you can go right over. A trip that used to take between four and six hours now only takes two, and that’s a good thing! Here’s the problem. A lot of tourists go to Colorado, and they want to go to the mountains, so they take the shortcut. They come home and say, “We saw Colorado.” I would beg to differ! You see Colorado not when you take the shortcut, but when you take the “long way.” Debbie and I always prefer to take the long cuts.

FOREWORD

Our favorite long cut is Trail Ridge Road. This high mountain road just kind of meanders around, and it goes all over. It has steep inclines and windy curves and at the top, it’s 12,800 feet. It’s the highest paved road in America. It’s incredible. When you get to the summit, the vistas are unbelievable. You’ll never see that on the shortcut. You’ll arrive at your destination quicker, but you’ll miss what’s truly amazing about the journey. That’s certainly the way it is with marriage. Matthew 7:13 says, “Enter through the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction.” Did you know that marriage can be dangerous at times? It’s a small, narrow, two-lane road. There can be steep inclines. It certainly isn’t the smoothest route, and sometimes it would be easier to avoid altogether. Why not just sleep together? Why not just move in together? If sex is your goal, or if companionship is your goal, those things might seem like shortcuts. But the long road is what God has in mind, because that is where real life happens.

Greg Surratt FO U N D IN G

PASTOR

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SEACOAST

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CH URCH

This book isn’t about taking the short cut. You aren’t going to find easy fixes or quick little tips. Instead, you will find life. If you take it seriously, this study can get your marriage on the road to being the life-giving relationship God always meant it to be. It might not seem like the easiest way, but I promise you that as you go, you will encounter some amazing vistas. It’s a long cut, but it’s worth it!

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INTRODUCTION This series is called LifeGiving Marriage, but this six-week study is really for all of us—single, married, young or old, newlywed or empty nester or suddenly single again. The Bible is full of wisdom and teaching that can improve our relationships, and we all have something to learn about how we can communicate more effectively, practice forgiveness, and live as people of love.

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The principles for successful relationships apply to all of us, and during these six weeks we’re going to go deep into what God wants to teach us. Each week you’ll have opportunities to share your own ideas and experiences, watch a short video teaching on that week’s theme, discuss the Scriptures, learn from each other, and build relationships with others in your group. There’s also lots of extra material if you want to really dig in, including options for further study and questions for life application. At the end of each session, you’ll find daily devotions that will allow you to slow down and reflect. You will then have a chance to respond by journaling. By doing this study, you’ll be learning with a large group in church, a small group in a living room, and alone with God on your own. We’re excited about what God has in store for you and your group over the next six weeks, and we’re praying that you would experience God in a fresh way as a result of this study.

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USING THIS

WORKBOOK in the Table of 1 Notice Contents there are three

sections: (1) Sessions; (2) Appendices; and (3) Small Group Leaders. Familiarize yourself with the Appendices. Some of them will be used in the sessions themselves.

you are facilitating, leading, or co-leading a small group, the 2 IfSmall Group Leaders section will give you some hard-learned experiences of others to encourage you and help you avoid many common obstacles to effective small group leadership.

this workbook as a guide, not a straightjacket. If the group 3 Use responds to the lesson in an unexpected but honest way, go with that. If you think of a better question than the next one in the lesson, ask it. Take to heart the insights included in the Frequently Asked Questions pages and the Small Group Leaders section.

4 Enjoy your community group experience and have fun together! before each sessionâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;for your group members, for your 5 Pray time together, and for wisdom and insights. the Outline for Each Session on the next pages so that you 6 Read understand how the sessions will flow.

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OUTLINE OF EACH

SESSION

A typical group session for the LifeGiving Marriage study will include the following sections. Read through this to get a clear idea of how each group meeting will be structured: WEEKLY MEMORY VERSES. Each session opens with a Memory Verse that emphasizes an important truth from the session. This is an optional exercise, but we believe that memorizing Scripture can be a vital part of filling our minds with God’s will for our lives. We encourage you to give this important habit a try. The verses for our six sessions are also listed in the Appendices. INTRODUCTION. Each lesson opens with a brief thought that will help you prepare for the session and get you thinking about the particular subject you will explore with your group. Make it a practice to read these before the session. You may want to have the group read them aloud. SHARE YOUR STORY. The foundation for spiritual growth is an intimate connection with God and His family. You build that connection by sharing your story with a few people who really know you and who earn your trust. This section includes some simple questions to get you talking—letting you share as much or as little of your story as you feel comfortable doing. Each session typically offers you two options. You can get to know your whole group by using the icebreaker question(s), or you can check in with one or two group members, your accountability partner(s), for a deeper connection and encouragement in your spiritual journey. HEAR GOD’S STORY. In this section, you’ll read the Bible and listen to teaching in order to hear God’s story—and begin to see how His story aligns with yours. When the study prompts you, you’ll pop in the DVD and watch a short teaching segment. You’ll then have an opportunity to read a passage of Scripture, and discuss both the teaching and the text. You won’t focus on accumulating information but on how you should live L I F E G I V I N G 12

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in light of the Word of God. We want to help you apply the insights from Scripture practically and creatively, from your heart as well as your head. At the end of the day, allowing the timeless truths from God’s Word to transform our lives in Christ should be your greatest aim. STUDY NOTES. This brief section provides additional commentary, background or insights on the passage you’ll study in the Hear God’s Story section. CREATE A NEW STORY. God wants you to be a part of His Kingdom—to weave your story into His. That will mean change. It will require you to go His way rather than your own. This won’t happen overnight, but it should happen steadily. By making small, simple choices, we can begin to change our direction. This is where the Bible’s instructions to “be doers of the Word, not just hearers” (James 1:22) come into play. Many people skip over this aspect of the Christian life because it’s scary, relationally awkward, or simply too much work for their busy schedules. But Jesus wanted all of His disciples to know Him personally, carry out His commands, and help outsiders connect with Him. This doesn’t necessarily mean preaching on street corners. It could mean welcoming newcomers, hosting a short-term group in your home, or walking through this study with a friend. In this section, you’ll have an opportunity to go beyond Bible study to biblical living. This section will also have a question or two that will challenge you to live out your faith by serving others, sharing your faith, and worshiping God. DIGGING DEEPER. If you have time and want to dig deeper into more Bible passages about the topic at hand, we’ve provided additional passages and questions, which you can use either during the meeting or as homework. Your group may choose to read and prepare before each meeting in order to cover more biblical material. Group members can also use the additional study section during the week after the meeting. If you prefer not to do study homework, this section will provide you with plenty to discuss within the group. These options allow individuals or the whole group to expand their study while still accommodating those who can’t do homework or are new to your group. DAILY DEVOTIONS. Each week on the Daily Devotions pages, we provide Scriptures to read and reflect on between sessions—a month’s worth of reflections to keep God’s word near your heart. This provides you with a chance to slow down, read just a small portion of Scripture each day, and reflect and pray through it. You’ll then have a chance to journal your response to what you’ve read. Use this section to seek God on your own throughout the week. This time at home should begin and end with prayer. Don’t get in a hurry; take enough time to hear God’s direction. L I F E G I V I N G

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LIFE-GIVING

COMMUNICATION

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. P R OVER BS

16:23

INTRODUCTION

The old rhyme, recited by school children for decades, tells us, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” In reality, of course, we know nothing could be further from the truth. Words have huge power to not only hurt us in the moment, but to cause long-term rifts in our relationships. Good communication skills are important for every relationship, but they’re critical in the closest one—our marriage. We’re called to love our spouse not only when we feel the warm fuzzies of romance, but also when we disagree and experience conflict. This doesn’t happen automatically—it requires learning what the Bible has to say about using our words and deciding to love long-term regardless of our temporary feelings. “Sticks and stones” is just an old cliché without much root in reality. A better one to keep in mind is, “Love is a choice.” As we study together over the next six weeks, we’ll discover a number of ways we can choose to love each other in practical, purposeful, and life-giving ways; and it all starts with a foundation of solid communication.

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YOUR STORY Each of us has a story. The events of our life—good or bad, wonderful or challenging— have shaped who we are. God knows your story, and He intends to redeem it—to use every struggle and every joy to ultimately bring you to Himself. When we share our stories with others, we give them the opportunity to see God at work. When we share our stories, we realize we are not alone—that we have common experiences and thoughts, and that others can understand what we are going through. Your story can encourage someone else, and telling it can lead to a path of freedom for you and for those you share it with.

Next, begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking. - What big issues or questions do you think most people ask about faith, specifically the Christian faith? What questions get in the way of faith for most people? - What brought you here? What do you hope to get out of this group? - Share a time when miscommunication caused a problem in your relationship. What did you learn from it? - Whether your group is new or ongoing, it’s always important to reflect on and review your values together. On page 106 you will find a Small Group Agreement with the values we’ve found most useful in sustaining healthy, balanced groups. We recommend that you choose one or two values—ones you haven’t previously focused on or have room to grow in—to emphasize during this study. Choose ones that will take your group to the next stage of intimacy and spiritual health. - If your group is new, welcome newcomers. Introduce everyone—you may even want to have nametags for your first meeting.

Open your group with prayer. This should be a brief, simple prayer, in which you invite God to give you insight as you study. You can pray for specific requests at the end of the meeting, or stop momentarily to pray if a particular situation comes up during your discussion. Before you start this first meeting, get contact information for every participant. Take time to pass around a copy of the Small Group Roster on page 117; a sheet of paper; or one of your Study Guides, opened to the Small Group Roster. Ask someone to make copies, or type up a list with everyone’s information and email it to the group during the week. L I F E G I V I N G 16

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- We recommend you rotate host homes on a regular basis and let the hosts lead the meeting. Studies show that healthy groups rotate leadership. This helps to develop every member’s ability to shepherd a few people in a safe environment. Even Jesus gave others the opportunity to serve alongside Him (Mark 6:30-44). Look at the FAQs in the Appendices for additional information about hosting or leading the group. - The Small Group Calendar on page 107 is a tool for planning who will host and lead each meeting. Take a few minutes to plan hosts and leaders for your remaining meetings. Don’t skip this important step! It will revolutionize your group.

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WATCH THE

HEAR GOD’S

DVD

STORY

How can we become a part of God’s story? By aligning our stories with His and understanding what it means to follow Him. Use the following questions to guide your discussion of the teaching and stories you just experienced, and of the Bible passage below. READ

Use the Notes space provided on this page to record key thoughts, questions, and things you want to remember or follow up on. After watching the video, have someone read the discussion questions in the Grow section and direct the discussion among the group. As you go through each of the subsequent sections, ask someone else to read the questions and direct the discussion.

JAM ES

3 : 2-1 2.

We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

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does James say the ability to control the tongue means a 1 Why person has the ability to control the entire body?

STUDY

NOTES

2 What does it mean that the tongue “makes great boasts”? 6 is a strong statement! How could the tongue be set on 3 Verse fire by hell?

8 says no human can tame the tongue. Who can? How 4 Verse can we access His power in this area?

that while James is focusing on our words, he’s making 5 Notice the connection to how our words communicate our identities— whether or not the way we talk matches who we claim to be. What character qualities are important to you? Does the way you communicate support those values?

James is known for being quite plainspoken, even blunt, in the biblical book that bears his name, but he’s also good at using real-life examples to explain his ideas. In the passage we studied today, he used two objects—the bit in the mouth of a horse and the rudder of a boat—as metaphors for the way our small tongues (and the way we use them) can direct the course of our entire lives. The bit in a horse’s mouth is attached to the bridle and reins, and allows the rider to communicate with the animal (ironically, by pressing against its tongue). When used correctly, the bit does not hurt the horse but the rider can skillfully use just a small amount of pressure to change the horse’s direction. Likewise, the rudder of a ship is very small compared to the bulk of the entire vessel, but when someone turns the rudder, it changes the water pressure on both sides of the boat and causes it to turn. This passage is full of harsh warnings about how we speak, but it’s also full of hope—if our words can cause damage comparable to fire and poison, they also have great power to do good. Just as we can use the bit of a horse or the rudder of a ship to cause a big change, we have the opportunity to use our tongues to change our lives and the lives of others for the better.

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

God wants you to be part of His Kingdom— to weave your story into His. That will mean change—going His way rather than your own. This won’t happen overnight, but it should happen steadily. By starting with small, simple choices, we begin to change our direction. The Holy Spirit helps us along the way—giving us gifts to serve the body, offering us insights into Scripture, and challenging us to love not only those around us but also those far from God. In this section, talk about how you will apply the wisdom you’ve learned from the teaching and Bible study. Then think about practical steps you can take in the coming week to live out what you’ve learned. you speaking more words of 1 Are death or of life when you talk to your spouse?

have you learned to “read” your spouse so far? What steps 4 How could you take to grow in this area?

week, how will you interact with the Bible? Can you commit 5 This to spending time in daily prayer or study of God’s Word (use the Daily Devotions section to guide you)? Tell the group how you plan to follow Jesus this week, and then, at your next meeting, talk about your progress and challenges.

a look at the Circles of Life diagram on page 116 and 6 Take write the names of two or three people you know who need

to know Christ. Commit to praying for God’s guidance and an opportunity to share with each of them. Share your lists with the group; you can all be praying for the people you’ve identified.

close your time together, spend some time thanking God— 7 To praying, reading Scripture, or singing.

· Ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Invite everyone to

share, but don’t force the issue. Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109.

· Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse and read it aloud are the words you’re speaking 2 How to other people reflecting what’s in your heart?

together. Make it a time of praise and worship, as the words remind you of all God has done for you.

· If applicable, have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song.

· Always close your meeting with prayer. can life-giving words actually be unpleasant in the moment 3 How or even potentially produce conflict?

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DIGGING

READ

DEEPER If you feel God nudging you to go deeper, take some time before the next meeting to dig into His Word. Explore the Bible passages related to this session’s theme on your own and jot your reflections in a journal or in this study guide. A great way to gain insight on a passage is to read it in several different translations. You may want to use a Bible app or website to compare translations. R EA D

M AT THEW

EPHES I ANS

4 : 29 -3 2.

- Based on this passage, how would the author define “unwholesome” talk?

- What is a side benefit of building people up with our words (verse 29)?

- Why would thoughtless or unkind words “grieve” the Holy Spirit?

18 : 21-35.

- In verse 24, ten thousand talents is equal to several million dollars. In verse 28, a hundred denarii is a few days’ wages. How does this increase your understanding of the parable?

- What does it mean to forgive the way Christ forgave us?

- The rabbis of the day taught that to forgive someone three times was exceedingly generous. How would they have reacted to Jesus’ answer in verse 22?

- Read the parallel record of this conversation in Luke 17:3-5. What is the condition Jesus gives here for forgiveness?

- What does it mean to “forgive from your heart”?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D

R EA D

READ

R EAD

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver!

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

JAMES 1:19-20.

MATTHEW 12:34-35.

Respond: Of the three commands James gives at the beginning of this passage, which one do you struggle with the most? What is the consequence of choosing anger instead?

Respond: What does it mean that we speak from the overflow of our hearts? Have you found this to be true in your own life?

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PROVERBS 16:16.

Respond: God promises to give us wisdom and understanding if we ask Him. Take some time today to pray for wisdom about your marriage and other close relationships.

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COLOSSIANS 3:13-14.

Respond: Again in this passage we’re told to forgive like God does. This is a challenge! Ask for God’s help, and for an extra measure of love for the people close to you.

PROVERBS 24:3.

Respond: How does wisdom build a “house” or a marriage? How does knowledge enhance that relationship?

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LIFE-GIVING

LOVE & RESPECT

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. EP HESIA N S

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4:2

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INTRODUCTION

Although it was Aretha Franklin who sang about respect, the truth is it’s especially crucial for men to feel respected in their relationships, while feeling cherished and loved are key for women. Of course both partners need both “ingredients” to cook up a healthy marriage, but it’s important to understand how each person is wired to receive love. Studying the Bible’s teaching is the best way to learn how to live out these truths. Our culture is full of songs, movies, and novels about romantic love, but the reality of making a relationship work depends less on short-term feelings and more on long-term choices. This week we’ll learn more about what God’s Word has to say to both people in a marriage, and how to demonstrate love and respect to your spouse.

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YOUR STORY As we said last week, when we share our stories with others, we give them the opportunity to see God at work. Your story is being shaped, even in this moment, by being a part of this group. In fact, few things can shape us more than community. When we share our stories, we can encourage and learn from others. We also experience the presence of God as He helps us be brave enough to reveal our thoughts and feelings.

Begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking: -

Share briefly how you met your spouse.

- Share a story about a time when love or respect has been significant in your marriage.

- Pair up with someone in your group (we suggest that men partner with men and women with women).This person will be your accountability partner for the rest of this study. He or she doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be your best friend. Instead, this person will simply encourage you to complete the goals you set for yourself during this study. Following through on a resolution is tough when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on your own; it makes all the difference to have a partner to cheer you on.

Open your group with prayer. This should be a brief, simple prayer, in which you invite God to be with you as you meet. You can pray for specific requests at the end of the meeting, or stop momentarily to pray if a particular situation comes up during your discussion.

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WATCH THE

HEAR GOD’S

DVD

STORY

Watch the DVD for this session now. Use the Notes space provided on this page to record key thoughts, questions, and things you want to remember or follow up on. After you finish watching the video, have someone read the discussion questions in the Hear God’s Story section and direct the discussion among the group. As you go through each of the subsequent sections, ask someone else to read the questions and direct the discussion.

EPHES I ANS

5: 25-3 0,

3 3 .

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

did Christ cleanse us and make us holy? Husbands can’t 1 How make their wives spiritually blameless, so what action is this passage calling men to take?

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it significant that the husband is given lengthier instructions 2 Isthan the wife is?

STUDY

NOTES

does Christ “feed and care” for His body, the church? What 3 How parallels can husbands draw in caring for their wives?

uses the Greek word “agape” for love in this passage, 4 Paul which is a kind of love that has less to do with feeling “in love” and more with self-sacrifice and deciding to be loving. How does this fit with the actions he is calling both spouses to in these verses?

does it mean for husbands to love their wives “as their 5 What own bodies”? What is Paul really commanding here?

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is one of the primary Christian speakers and writers about the concept of love and respect in marriage. He’s written several books, including The Language of Love and Respect, Cracking the Communication Code, and Love and Respect for a Lifetime. He and his wife also lead conferences around the country. On his blog, he writes,

happens if we don’t feed and care for ourselves? What 6 What happens if we don’t feed and care for our spouse as part of ourselves?

“We all need love and respect. I preach this and I teach this. I am not dogmatic in suggesting that a husband does not need love. I am not dogmatic in suggesting that a wife does not need respect. “However, because Ephesians 5:33 reveals that a husband must love his wife and a wife must respect her husband, we see a distinction that is full of significance. Maybe we can answer this way: though we all need love and respect equally, like we all need water and food equally, a wife has a felt need for love and a husband has a felt need for respect. Said another way, she feels hunger pains for her husband’s love more often in the marriage and a husband feels more thirsty for his wife’s respect… “At the end of the day, in most marriages, he has a felt need for respect because he is assured of her love. And he experiences her natural tendency to show disrespect when she feels unloved. On the other hand, she has a felt need for love because she is not assured of his love since he does not love as naturally. And

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he is naturally unloving when feeling disrespected. Thus the crazy cycle: without love she reacts without respect and without respect he reacts without love!

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“No one denies we need love and respect equally. But generally speaking and based on Ephesians 5:33, wives love more easily than they respect and husbands respect more easily than they love. Thus, she has a greater felt need for her husband’s love and he has a greater felt need for his wife’s respect. If we reject this idea from the get go because it sounds stereotypical we will fail to understand what is happening in the spirit of a spouse, and our spouse will fail to understand us.”

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Visit www.loveandrespect.com to learn more!

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

In this section, talk about how you will apply the wisdom you’ve learned from the teaching and Bible study. Then think about practical steps you can take in the coming week to live out what you’ve learned. what are some practical ways 1 Men, you can love your wife with words? With actions?

some time praying about those you know who might 6 Spend respond to a simple invitation: to come to a church service, to

join your small group, or even just to have coffee and talk about spiritual matters. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind people you can pray for.

our ability to serve according to the leading of the 7 Developing Holy Spirit takes time and persistence in getting to know our Lord. So the first step toward serving others is, paradoxically, spending time alone with God—praying and studying and reflecting on His Word. Here are some simple ways to connect with God. Tell the group which one you plan to try this week, and talk about your progress and challenges when you meet next time.

- Prayer. Commit to personal prayer and daily connection with God. You may find it helpful to write your prayers in a journal.

what are some practical 2 Wives, ways you can demonstrate respect

for your husband with words? With actions?

says she thinks the needs 3 Laura of both males and females are an expression of a shared need to belong. Do you agree?

to the idea that you must 4 React respect or love your spouse regardless of whether you think they are being respectable or lovable.

one thing you want to do differently as a result of this 5 What’s discussion?

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- Daily Devotions. The Daily Devotions provided in each session offer an opportunity to read a short Bible passage five days a week during the course of this study. In our hurry-up world, we often move too quickly through everything—even reading God’s Word! Slow down. Don’t just skim, but take time to read carefully and reflect on the passage. Write down your insights on what you read each day. Copy a portion of Scripture on a card and tape it somewhere in your line of sight, such as your car’s dashboard or the bathroom mirror. Or text it to yourself! Think about it when you sit at red lights or while you’re eating a meal. Reflect on what God is saying to you through these words. On the sixth day, summarize what God has shown you throughout the week. the last session we asked you to write some names in the 8 In Circles of Life diagram. Who did you identify as the people in

your life who need to meet Jesus? Go back to the Circles of Life diagram on page 116 to help you think of various people you come in contact with on a regular basis, people who need to know Jesus more deeply. Consider the following ideas for action and make a plan to follow through on one of them this week.

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- This is a wonderful time to welcome a few friends into your group. Which of the people listed could you invite? It’s possible that you may need to help your friend overcome obstacles in coming to a place where he or she can encounter Jesus. Does your friend need a ride to the group? Help with childcare? - Consider inviting a friend to attend a weekend service with you and possibly plan to enjoy a meal together afterward. This can provide a great opportunity to talk with someone about your faith in Jesus.

- Is there someone whom you wouldn’t invite to your group but who still needs a connection? Would you be willing to have lunch or coffee with that person, catch up on life, and share something you’ve learned from this study? Jesus doesn’t call all of us to lead small groups, but He does call every disciple to spiritually multiply his or her life over time.

close your time together, spend some time worshipping 9 To God—praying, reading Scripture, or singing.

- Ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Invite everyone to share, but don’t force the issue. Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109.

- Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse and read it aloud together. Make it a time of praise and worship, as the words remind you of all God has done for you.

- If applicable, have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song.

- Always close your meeting with prayer. L I F E G I V I N G 40

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DIGGING

READ

DEEPER

- What does it mean to delight in evil? Why is that contrasted with rejoicing with the truth?

If you feel God nudging you to go deeper, take some time between now and our next meeting to dig into His Word. Explore the Bible passages related to this session’s theme on your own, jotting your reflections in a journal or in this study guide. Want to go deeper? Select a few verses and try paraphrasing them: writing them in your own words. If you like, share them with the group the next time you meet.

- In verses 11 and 12, why does the focus shift from describing love to describing our understanding of it?

R EA D

CO LOSSIA N S

CO R I NT HI ANS

1 3 : 4-1 3 .

- How is love greater than faith and hope?

3 : 18 -19.

- Sometimes we chafe at the idea of submitting to anyone else. Read Ephesians 5:21. How does this provide context to the passage?

- The form of the verb in the Greek shows that the submission is to be voluntary. How is this kind of submission “fitting in the Lord”?

- How does the wife’s “job” of submission become easier when the husband is doing his “job” of loving and being kind?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D :

R EA D:

READ :

READ:

R EAD :

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of their lives.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Respond: Our love and respect for each other is rooted in our experience of God’s love for us. Spend some time considering the ways God has lavished you with His love, and how that can affect the way you love others.

Respond: How might your marriage change if you both put the other one first? What are some practical ways you could do that this week?

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

PROVERBS 18:22.

MATTHEW 19:4-6.

Respond: This verse is about wives, but it applies to both spouses! Take a few minutes today to thank God for your husband or your wife and the blessing he or she is to you.

Respond: What does it mean to be “one” with your spouse? How does that connect to this week’s teaching from Ephesians?

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1 PETER 3:1-2.

Respond: Perhaps you are a believer but you’re married to someone who is not. What wisdom does this passage give you about how to love your non-Christian spouse? How can we witness to Christ’s love without words?

M A R R I A G E

1 JOHN 3:1.

ROMANS 12:10.

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LIFE-GIVING

MONEY DECISIONS

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts. 1

SA M UEL

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INTRODUCTION

Our culture is double-minded when it comes to money. On the one hand, you only have to open a magazine, watch a TV show, or surf the Internet to see ads for houses, clothes, vacations and gadgets—as well as the financial planners who can help you accumulate them all. On the other hand, in recent years we’ve seen an explosion of blogs and articles about “simple living,” downsizing, and de-cluttering. Both sides of the discussion miss the main point—our wealth is not a matter of what we do or do not own, but the contentment (or lack of contentment) we feel. The Bible does not teach that it’s a sin to be rich, but it does warn us against allowing our hearts to value earthly treasure above all else. As we’ll learn, money is a heart issue—and therefore it’s one of the biggest areas of conflict for married couples. Fortunately, the Bible also offers an abundance of teaching about our wealth. This week we’ll explore ways to make life-giving decisions about our money— together.

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- Sit with your accountability partner. If your partner is absent or if you are new to the group, join with another pair or someone who doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t yet have a partner. If you havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t established your accountability partnership yet, do it now. (See Share Your Story in Session Two on page 30.)

Sharing personal stories builds deeper connections among group members. Begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking.

- Why is money such a difficult issue in marriage?

- Share a story about a money struggle in your marriage.

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WATCH THE

HEAR GODâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S

DVD

STORY

Use the following questions to guide your discussion of the teaching and stories you just experienced on the DVD, as well as on the Bible passage below. READ

T I M OT HY

6 : 6 -1 0,

1 7-1 9.

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Watch the DVD for this session now. Use the Notes space provided on this page to record key thoughts, questions, and things you want to remember or follow up on. After you finish watching the video, have someone read the discussion questions in the Hear Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Story section and direct the discussion among the group. As you go through each of the subsequent sections, ask someone else to read the questions and direct the discussion.

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. of us would feel far from content if we only had food and 1 Most clothing. How do you react to this statement?

2 What temptations and traps can the desire for riches lead to? L I F E G I V I N G 50

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10 is often misquoted as, “Money is the root of all evil.” 3 Verse How is the actual verse different? Does it change the meaning?

4 Is it possible to be both godly and wealthy?

STUDY

NOTES Because money is such a big issue in marriage, a number of studies and surveys have been conducted in recent years to determine how couples are spending, talking, and thinking about their finances. Take some time to read and discuss these statistics with your spouse.

5 How is our wealth uncertain? 6 What kind of life is Paul talking about in verse 19?

- 91% of Americans in committed relationships agree it is important to discuss their partner’s financial history before marriage, but 25% say they avoid talking about finances. (2011 Lawyers.com Couples and Money survey) - 12% of the general population claims they’ve never talked about money with their spouse. (American Express Spending & Saving Tracker) - 31% admitted to lying to their spouses about money. (Online poll by Forbes Woman and National Endowment for Financial Education) - 29% of those surveyed admit they have withheld information from their partner about spending on items like clothes, electronics and entertainment. Yet 40% agree that honesty about finances is more important than honesty about fidelity! (Lawyers.com survey) - One-third of couples said finances were the most stressful part of their relationship; sex was 11%, children 9% and in-laws 4%. (American Express survey) - Those who said money wasn’t important to them scored 10-15% better in stability and other measures of relationship quality than couples where one or both were materialistic, according to a Brigham Young University study published in Science Daily.

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

God wants you to be part of His kingdom— to weave your story into His. That will mean change. It will require you to go His way rather than your own. This won’t happen overnight, but it should happen steadily. By making small, simple choices, we can begin to change our direction. The Holy Spirit helps us along the way by giving us gifts to serve the body, offering us insights into Scripture, and challenging us to love not only those around us but those far from God. In this section, talk about how you will apply the wisdom you’ve learned in this session. you find yourself being content 1 Do when you get a raise or a new possession, or do you continue to want more?

does your approach to money 2 What reveal about your trust in God and who He is?

would it take for you to build margin into your financial 3 What life?

and Laura talked a lot about the importance of motive 4 Michael in making certain decisions. Are there issues you’re struggling

some time praying about those you know who might 5 Spend respond to a simple invitation: to come to a church service, to

join your small group, or even just to have coffee and talk about spiritual matters. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind people you can pray for.

our ability to serve according to the leading of the 6 Developing Holy Spirit takes time and persistence in getting to know our

Lord. So the first step toward serving others is, paradoxically, spending time alone with God—praying and studying and reflecting on His Word. What specific steps will you take this week? If you’ve focused on prayer in past weeks, maybe you’ll want to direct your attention to Scripture this week. If you’ve been reading God’s Word consistently, perhaps you’ll want to take it deeper and try memorizing a verse. Tell the group which step you plan to try this week, and talk about your progress and challenges when you meet next time.

have found that groups which connect outside the regular 7 We meeting time build stronger bonds and feel a greater sense of purpose. Why not plan a social outing with group members? During this session, brainstorm about ways you could do something fun together—enjoy a meal or a night out.

close out this session, spend some time worshipping God 8 To together—praying, reading Scripture, or singing. - Ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Invite everyone to share, but don’t force the issue. Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109. - Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse and read it aloud together. Make it a time of praise and worship, as the words remind you of all God has done for you. - If applicable, have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song. - Always close your meeting with prayer.

with that could be solved by thinking about your motives?

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DIGGING

READ

DEEPER Take some time between now and our next meeting to dig into God’s word. Explore the Bible passages related to this session’s theme. Jot down your reflections in a journal or in this study guide. You may even want to use a Bible website or app to look up commentary on these passages. If you like, share what you learn with the group the next time you meet. R EA D

M AT THEW

6 : 19 -21,

PHI L I PPI ANS

4: 1 1 -1 3 .

- Does contentment come naturally?

How do your circumstances affect your contentment?

- What is the “secret” Paul has learned to being content?

24.

- How do we store up treasure in heaven?

- Put verse 21 in your own words. Do you agree with this statement?

- How might we try to serve both God and money? What are possible results?

- Do only the wealthy try to serve money?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D :

R EA D:

READ :

READ:

R EAD :

Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.

Respond: Hopefully you are not involved in theft or extortion, but we’re all tempted to trust in our paychecks or retirement accounts. Where should your trust be placed? What are changes you can make to begin trusting this way?

Respond: Can you relate to this verse? How do you know when you have “enough”?

Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.

So do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we wear?” For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

PSALM 62:10.

ECCLESIASTES 5:10.

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LUKE 12:15.

Respond: What can we be greedy for besides money? Ask God to help you identify areas of greed in your life and begin moving toward contentment.

M A R R I A G E

MATTHEW 6:31-33.

HEBREWS 13:5.

Respond: How much of your striving for money comes from worry about the future?

Respond: Have you ever thought of contentment as freedom? Does this promise from God make it easier to be content?

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KEYS TO LIFE-GIVING

SEX

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. COR IN THIA N S

6:19-20

INTRODUCTION

C.S. Lewis once compared sex and food, writing, “There is nothing to be ashamed of in enjoying your food: there would be everything to be ashamed of if half the world made food the main interest of their lives and spent their time looking at pictures of food and dribbling and smacking their lips.” His point is that when food, and our enjoyment of it, is kept in the proper boundaries, it is one of the wonderful parts of life. But if we become overly obsessed with food or use it outside of the way it was intended, it becomes something that can harm us. The same is true of sex. The world has taken sex and transformed it from one of God’s great gifts into something that has the potential to cause shame and guilt. Instead of using sex as God tells us to and building a stronger marriage relationship, too often we buy into these lies, misusing or misunderstanding sex and actually damaging our relationships. So how do we think about sex in biblical ways and then enjoy it the way God intended? Stay tuned!

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YOUR STORY Open your group with prayer. This should be a brief, simple prayer, in which you invite God to be with you as you meet. You can pray for specific requests at the end of the meeting or stop momentarily to pray if a particular situation comes up during your discussion. As we have said in previous lessons, sharing our personal stories builds deeper connections among group members. Your story may be exactly what another person needs to hear to encourage or strengthen them. Your listening to others’ stories is also an act of love and kindness to them—and could very well help them to grow spiritually. Begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking.

- What are some messages you’ve picked up from our culture about sex?

- Sit with your accountability partner. If your partner is absent or if you are new to the group, join with another pair or someone who doesn’t yet have a partner. If you haven’t established your accountability partnership yet, do it now. Share one prayer request and one thing you want to thank God for. Spend some time praying about what you’ve shared. (See Share Your Story in Session Two on page 30.)

- Take some time for each person to share about how they’re doing on the challenge of inviting the people on the Circles of Life to church or your small group. What specific conversations are you praying about for the weeks to come?

- How did you find out about sex? How did you tell your kids about it?

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WATCH THE

HEAR GOD’S

DVD

STORY

Song of Songs, sometimes called Song of Solomon, is a short book of the Bible, and worth taking a few minutes to read in its entirety—perhaps with your spouse! It is a series of poems between a young woman and her lover, and it has much to teach us about God’s plan for physical love within marriage.

READ

S O NG

O F

S O NGS

2 : 3 -7,

4 : 1 -7.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, his right arm embraces me. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you.

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maiden delights in the “shade,” or protection, of her 1 The beloved. What does this tell us about the importance of security and exclusivity in the marriage relationship?

STUDY

NOTES

do you interpret the poetic imagery of 2:4? Is a banner a 2 How public or private declaration?

would the maiden urge her friends not to force love too 3 Why early? (2:7)

some of the comparisons the man uses to describe 4 Although his beloved in Chapter 4 may be odd to us, what can they teach men about finding beauty in their wives?

do these verses also illustrate the teaching of lesson two, 5 How that women need to be loved and cherished by their husbands?

Some people have an “animal” view of sex—that it is a biological need that can be met as long as both participants are consenting adults, and it has little to do with emotions or intimacy. Others take a “devil” view— that sex is inherently wrong or “dirty.” But there’s also a biblical view, which is the focus of this week’s study. The book of Song of Songs makes it abundantly clear that God is big fan of sex within the context of marriage—that it’s neither an animal act without feelings or a sinful act that should cause shame. The Hebrew people understood this better than we do. The weddings of Jewish people at the time Song of Songs was written were great celebrations of the start of the couple’s new journey as husband and wife, and this unapologetically included celebrating the physical consummation of the relationship. In fact, sometimes parts of the Song of Songs were read during the wedding feasts! Later philosophical traditions, around the time of the early church, taught that the soul and spirit are good and the body is bad. We are still struggling to undo this thinking and return healthy sexuality and its expression in marriage to its rightful place as a great gift of God. We have much to learn from our spiritual ancestors in the Old Testament!

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

it surprise you that God would 1 Does put a “sex manual” in the Old Testament?

does it mean for a couple to 2 What become one flesh?

is sex outside of marriage so 3 Why harmful?

some time praying about those you know who might 6 Spend respond to a simple invitation: to come to a church service, to

join your small group, or even just to have coffee and talk about spiritual matters. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind people you can pray for.

grow closer when they serve together. How could your 7 Groups group serve someone in need? You may want to visit a shut-

in from your church, provide a meal for a family that is going through difficulty, or give some other practical help to someone in need. If nothing comes to mind, spend some group time praying and asking God to show you who needs your help. Have two or three group members organize a serving project for the group, and then do it!

close out this session, spend some time worshipping God 8 To together—praying, reading Scripture, or singing.

can we do if we have made 4 What sexual mistakes in our past?

- Ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Invite everyone to share, but don’t force the issue. Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109.

of you in the group has 5 Each different gifts and abilities. And

- Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse and read it aloud together. Make it a time of praise and worship, as the words remind you of all God has done for you.

every small group has tasks and roles that need to be done. How could you serve this group— perhaps with hospitality or prayer, by organizing an event, researching or studying a topic, worshipping, or inviting new people? Invite each person to share what their gift or passion is and how they could use it to strengthen and build up the group.

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- If applicable, have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song. - Always close your meeting with prayer.

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DIGGING

READ

T HESSALO NI ANS

4: 3 - 8 .

DEEPER

- Much like our own time, the Roman culture was full of promiscuity, prostitution, and adultery. How might they have reacted to this call for purity and self-control?

R EA D

- How should we define sexual immorality? Is it only the physical act of sex, or are there other ways to violate the marriage covenant?

CO R IN T HIA N S

7: 3 -5.

Why does Paul call sex a “marital duty”?

- How does premarital sex wrong or take advantage of someone? What about adultery? - What does it mean that neither spouse’s body belongs to him or her alone?

- The word for “deprive” in verse 5 also means “defraud.” How does withholding sex from your spouse defraud or cheat him of something?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D :

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

R EA D:

ROMANS 12:10.

READ :

READ:

R EAD :

1 CORINTHIANS 6:19-20.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Honor one another above yourselves.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

Respond: How can you act in ways that will honor your marriage and/or the marriages of other people?

Respond: How is sexual sin a sin against your own body? Why is this significant?

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Respond: What price did God pay for you? How does this teaching about the value of our bodies influence your thinking about sex?

Respond: Several times in the video, Laura and Michael emphasized that sex is not about meeting your own needs, but about putting your partner first. If this is a struggle for you, ask God to help you prioritize your spouse during sex (and other times, too!).

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HEBREWS 13:4.

M A R R I A G E

1 CORINTHIANS 6:18.

PSALM 103:11-12.

Respond: Don’t forget what Laura and Michael talk about at the end of the video—you are not defined by your past, and you can have a fresh start even if you’ve misused your sexuality in the past. Ask God for His forgiveness and grace, and then enjoy the knowledge that He is faithful and has forgotten your mistakes.

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BUILDING A LIFE-GIVING

FAMILY

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. P R OVER BS

22:6

INTRODUCTION

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage…” For many of us, this old rhyme is pretty true to our experience. But while we may have always dreamed of having a spouse and children, the reality can be less than ideal—or even something closer to a nightmare! God designed families, and He has lots to say about raising our children, parenting them well, and building a strong marriage in the process. In addition, many of the big-picture Bible teachings on how to treat others and nurture healthy relationships apply to the needs of our families, as well. Ironically, although most of us choose to have children, it’s easy to feel alone as a parent. But God the Father knows the struggles we face and has promised to be with us as parents and give us wisdom in raising our children. Let’s dive in and explore how His Word can help us realize some of our dreams for our families.

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- What books or resources (other than the Bible) have been especially helpful to you as a parent? What’s the best advice you learned from them?

- What was/is your greatest challenge as a parent?

- Sit with your accountability partner. If your partner is absent or if you are new to the group, join with another pair or someone who doesn’t yet have a partner. If you haven’t established your accountability partnership yet, do it now. Answer this question: how has being in this group impacted your personal relationship with God? (See Share Your Story in Session Two on page 30.)

Telling our personal stories builds deeper connections among group members. Begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking. Sharing our stories requires us to be honest. We can help one another be honest and open by creating a safe place; be sure that your group is one where confidentiality is respected, where there is no such thing as a “stupid question,” and where you listen without criticizing one another. - Share a personal story about a struggle in parenting and what you learned from it.

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WATCH THE

HEAR GOD’S

DVD

STORY

Both children and parents have a role to play in the family, and God gives directions to both. Much like the mutual relationship between husband and wife that we studied in Session Two, the relationship between parents and children works best when both are striving to follow God’s commands. Of course, as parents, you are responsible for teaching this to your children as they grow. Hey, no one said parenting was easy!

READ

EPHES I ANS

6 : 1 - 4.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

1 What does it mean to obey “in the Lord”? do you think God attached a promise of blessing to this 2 Why particular commandment? (And why not others?)

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are some practical ways that life might go well for a 3 What person who consistently obeys his parents?

STUDY

NOTES

versions translate verse 4 as “do not provoke your 4 Some children to anger.” The Greek word for anger signifies not

minor irritation, but major rebellion. How does this affect your understanding of the passage?

5 Is there a difference between training and instruction? These verses from Ephesians don’t seem very controversial to us today. Of course children should obey their parents, and of course parents should not be so harsh that their children become uncontrollably rebellious, right? But Paul was writing in a very different time with very different ideas about parenting, including the Roman idea of “patria potestas,” or “power of a father.”

From Barclay’s Daily Study Bible Commentary: “Under the patria potestas a Roman father had absolute power over his family. He could sell them as slaves, he could make them work in his fields even in chains, he could punish as he liked and could even inflict the death penalty. Further, the power of the Roman father extended over the child’s whole life, so long as the father lived. A Roman son never came of age. Even when he was a grown man, even if he were a magistrate of the city, even if the state had crowned him with well-deserved honours, he remained within his father’s absolute power…It is true that the father’s power was seldom carried to its limits, because public opinion would not have allowed it, but the fact remains that in the time of Paul the child was absolutely in his father’s power.” It would have been absolutely revolutionary to consider the child’s feelings or to tell parents to nurture a child in loving ways!

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

God wants you to be part of His kingdom— to weave your story into His. That will mean change. It will require you to go His way rather than your own. This won’t happen overnight, but it should happen steadily. By making small, simple choices, we can begin to change our direction. The Holy Spirit helps us along the way—giving us gifts to serve the body, offering us insights into Scripture, and challenging us to love not only those around us but those far from God. In this section, talk about how you will apply the wisdom you’ve learned in this lesson. to Laura’s statement that 1 React children should not be the main focus of your marriage.

is one change you want to make in your own life as a 5 What result of this discussion?

some time praying about those you know who might 6 Spend respond to a simple invitation: to come to a church service, to

join your small group, or even just to have coffee and talk about spiritual matters. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind people you can pray for.

group is made up of people who are all being filled 7 Aupstrong by God, so that they are empowered to love one another.

What specific steps will you take this week to connect with God privately, so He can “fill you up?” If you’ve focused on prayer in past weeks, maybe you’ll want to direct your attention to Scripture this week. If you’ve been reading God’s Word consistently, perhaps you’ll want to take it deeper and try memorizing a verse. Tell the group which one you plan to try this week. At your next meeting, talk about your progress and challenges.

close out this session, spend some time worshipping God 8 To together—praying, reading Scripture, or singing.

it ever feel selfish when you 2 Does invest in your marriage instead of your kids?

- Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse and read it aloud together. Make it a time of praise and worship, as the words remind you of all God has done for you.

are the most significant 3 What pressures your kids bring to

your marriage? Are there areas where you need to shift your priorities?

How can you make some deposits into your “marriage bank” this week?

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- Ask, “How can we pray for you this week?” Invite everyone to share, but don’t force the issue. Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109.

M A R R I A G E

- If applicable, have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song. - Always close your meeting with prayer.

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DIGGING

READ

DEEPER

- Why do parents discipline the children they love? Why does God, therefore, discipline us?

Take some time between now and our next meeting to dig into God’s Word. Explore the Bible passages related to this session’s theme on your own. Jot down your reflections in a journal or in this study guide. You may even want to use a Bible website or app to look up commentary on these passages. If you like, share what you learn with the group the next time you meet.

- What do we know about God’s character that tells us how He approaches our discipline? What lessons can we learn from that about how to discipline our own children?

R EA D

P SA L M

HEB R EWS

1 2: 5-1 1 .

- What does verse 11 tell us is the goal for discipline? How can you relate to your kids in ways that may lead to these values in their lives as they grow?

1 27.

- What does it mean for the Lord to build the house?

- Why are children called a reward from God? What does this passage teach you about God’s value for families?

- In this psalm, there is reference to both God building and to us building. What does that tell you about raising your children—is it solely your work to do?

- How would you put verses 4 and 5 into modern language?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D :

R EA D:

READ :

READ:

R EAD :

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love each other, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children.

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.

I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

1 JOHN 4:11-12.

PROVERBS 29:17.

Respond: As a parent, you are one of the biggest ways your child will see God. It’s a huge responsibility but also a huge opportunity. How can you show God and His love to your child today?

Respond: What a beautiful, hopeful promise this is. Ask God for help in disciplining your children and ask Him to bless your home with peace.

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PSALM 103:17.

Respond: Spend some time praying about how your life can be more honoring to God, and asking for His blessing on your children and grandchildren.

M A R R I A G E

PROVERBS 1:8-9.

2 CORINTHIANS 6:18.

Respond: This is a poetic way of describing the value of a parent’s guidance. Does it describe the legacy you are leaving to your children? Ask God for help in consistently providing an example that will enhance your kids’ lives as they grow.

Respond: How does our adoption as God’s children influence the way we love our own children? How can we learn from His parenting of us as we parent our kids?

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LIFE-GIVING MARRIAGE FOR

THE LONG HAUL

W E E K LY

M EMORY

VERSE

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. P HILIP P IA N S

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2:3

M A R R I A G E

INTRODUCTION

You didn’t get married because you thought someday you’d divorce. Yet about half of all marriages will end this way, and even the couples who make it to their golden anniversary will struggle at points throughout their relationship. That isn’t intended to sound depressing; it’s an acknowledgement that choosing to live with and sacrificially love one other person for a lifetime is hard work. But it’s hard work that’s worth it. God created marriage and beginning with the very first one—Adam and Eve in Genesis—said that “it was good.” His Word gives us principles that can help us build “divorceproof” relationships by growing in our own character and learning to love like He does. Whether you’re a newlywed or a marriage veteran, married or re-married, there is help and hope for building the marriage you always wanted.

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YOUR STORY Open your group with prayer. This should be a brief, simple prayer, in which you invite God to be with you as you meet. You can pray for specific requests at the end of the meeting, or stop momentarily to pray if a particular situation comes up during your discussion. As we have said in previous lessons, sharing our personal stories builds deeper connections among group members. Your story may be exactly what another person needs to hear to encourage or strengthen them. Your listening to others’ stories is also an act of love and kindness to them—and could very well help them to grow spiritually. Begin your time together by using the following questions and activities to get people talking.

- If you feel comfortable, share a personal story about how close you ever got to divorcing. If you turned back from divorce: what caused you to turn back? What would have been the implications of your divorce? Why are you glad you stuck it out? If you have experienced a divorce: when did you make the choice not to turn back? What factors went into your choice?

- Take time in this final session to connect with your accountability partner. What has God been showing you through these sessions? What positive changes has your partner noticed in you? Check in with each other about the progress you have made in your spiritual growth during this study. Make plans about whether you will continue your relationship after the group has concluded.

- Take some time for each person to share about how they’ve done with inviting the people on their Circles of Life to church or your small group. What specific conversations are you praying about for the weeks to come?

- What has surprised you most about this group? Where did God meet you over the last six weeks?

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WATCH THE

HEAR GOD’S

DVD

STORY

Two weeks ago we looked at Song of Songs and what it can teach us about physical love. But the closing words of this book also give us a great picture of what it looks like to go the distance in marriage and live out a lifetime commitment. READ

Watch the DVD for this session now. Use the Notes space provided on this page to record any key thoughts, questions, and things you want to remember or follow up on. After you finish watching the video, have someone read the discussion questions in the Hear God’s Story section and direct the discussion among the group. As you go through each of the subsequent sections, ask someone else to read the questions and direct the discussion.

S O NG

SON GS

O F

8 : 6 -7.

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal over your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding like the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

seal was used to sign one’s name, establish authority in an 1 Aarea, or mark ownership. In light of this, what is the speaker asking for in verse 6?

2 How is love similar to death? is the difference between the jealousy mentioned here 3 What and an unhealthy or sinful jealousy?

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of fire can be very useful and good, or very destructive. 4 Flames How is this like love?

STUDY

NOTES

does the end of verse 7 tell us about the value of real 5 What love?

The Gottman Institute, world-renowned for their scientific studies of what makes relationships work, offers books, research studies, training, and more to help couples and families create stronger relationships. They’ve identified four behaviors that predict relationship failure with more than 90% accuracy! The four negative patterns, or as they call them, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In the Institute’s video about these issues (http://youtu.be/1o30Ps-_8is) they identify “antidotes” that can defuse these behaviors and lead to healthier relationships. These include respect, accepting responsibility, and appreciating each other’s efforts. Take a minute to consider whether you’re imitating any of the “Four Horsemen” in your relationships, and think about some more loving behaviors you could choose instead.

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CREATE A NEW

STORY

How has God changed your story during this six-week study? What new things is He asking you to do? What truth has transformed your heart? Think about specific steps you want to take to live a new story—to walk more closely with God so you can be part of His story, engaged in His kingdom. met your spouse now for the 1 Iffirstyoutime, what are some of his/her

character and personality traits that would make you want to be friends?

interests do you share with 2 What your spouse?

this is the last meeting in this study, take some time to 5 As celebrate the work God has done in the lives of group members. Have each person in the group share some step of growth they have noticed in another member. (In other words, no one will talk about themselves. Instead, affirm others in the group.) Make sure each person gets affirmed and noticed and celebrated— whether the steps they’ve made are large or small.

your group still needs to make decisions about continuing to 6 Ifmeet after this session, have that discussion now. Talk about what you will study, who will lead, and when you will meet.

your Small Group Agreement on page 106 and evaluate 7 Review how well you met your goals. Discuss any changes you want to

make as you move forward. If you plan to continue meeting, and your group starts a new study, this is a great time to take on a new role or change roles of service in your group. What new role will you take on? If you are uncertain, maybe your group members have some ideas for you. Remember you aren’t making a lifetime commitment to the new role; it will only be for a few weeks. Maybe someone would like to share a role with you if you don’t feel ready to serve solo.

by praying for your prayer requests and take a couple of 8 Close minutes to review the praises you have recorded over the past is it so dangerous to have an 3 Why unforgiving heart?

five weeks on the Prayer and Praise Report on page 109. Spend some time simply worshipping God and thanking Him for all He’s done in your group during this study.

is one thing you want to do differently as a result of this 4 What week’s discussion and study?

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DIGGING

READ

ECC L ES I AST ES

4: 9 -1 2.

DEEPER

- A saying from the Talmud, the Jewish scriptures, tells us, “A man without companions is like the left hand without the right.” Similarly, these verses extol the benefits of partnership with someone else. How does this passage apply to marriage?

Explore the Bible passages related to this session’s theme on your own, jotting your reflections in a journal or in this study guide. You may even want to use a Bible website or app to look up commentary on these passages.

- How can failures to communicate or compromise lessen these benefits?

R EA D

CO LOSSIA N S

3 : 12-15.

- These verses outline a fairly extensive list of ways you could put your spouse first and a number of qualities that you can develop that will lead to a healthier marriage. What is the reason given in verse 12 for why we should choose to love others this way?

- Who or what is the third strand in verse 12?

- How do we forgive as God has forgiven us?

- How does love bind together all the other ways we can treat each other?

- What does it mean to let peace rule in our hearts? What are some steps we can take to become a couple or a family of peace?

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DAILY REFLECTIONS

DEVOTIONALS

DAY 1

DAY 2

DAY 3

DAY 4

DAY 5

DAY 6

R E A D :

R EA D:

READ :

READ:

R EAD :

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Use the following space to write any thoughts God has put in your heart and mind about the things we have looked at in this session and during your Daily Devotions time this week.

PROVERBS 27:17.

ROMANS 15:5-6.

Respond: What does it mean to â&#x20AC;&#x153;sharpenâ&#x20AC;? another person? How can you and your spouse play this role for each other?

Respond: Whether in a marriage relationship or another relationship, what is the ultimate goal of unity and harmony?

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PROVERBS 5:18.

Respond: There is something beautiful about a couple that has stuck together for decades. How can you rejoice in your spouse and find new blessing in your marriage this week?

M A R R I A G E

1 SAMUEL 12:24.

JAMES 4:6.

Respond: Our faithfulness to our marriage vows is one way of being like God, who is always faithful to us. Ask Him for help in staying committed to your spouse today and in the years ahead.

Respond: Many of the issues in our marriages stem from pride. Ask God for help in humbly admitting your own contributions to the problem, and receive His grace because He loves you!

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MEETING

STRUCTURE Small groups gather not just to answer questions or study a text, but to deepen our connection with God and with one another. We suggest that every meeting include not just study, but times of sharing, worship and prayer. Every week, include the following elements: SHARING At your first meeting, use the Circles of Life diagram on page 116 to write the names of two or three people you know who need to know Christ. Commit to praying for God’s guidance and an opportunity to share with each of them. At subsequent meetings, check in with group members on how they are doing at reaching out to the people they’ve each listed on their circles chart. PRAYER Allow everyone to answer this question: “How can we pray for you this week?” Be sure to write prayer requests on your Prayer and Praise Report on page 109. WORSHIP Spend a few minutes worshiping God together. Here are two ideas: - Read a passage of Scripture together, making it a time of praise and worship as the words remind you of all God has done for you. Choose a Psalm or other favorite verse.

APPENDICES

- Have someone use their musical gifts to lead the group in a worship song. Try singing acapella, using a worship CD, or having someone accompany your singing with a musical instrument.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED

QUESTIONS

What do we do on the first night of our group? Like all fun things in life—have a party! A “get to know you” coffee, dinner, or dessert is a great way to launch a new study. You may want to review the Small Group Agreement (page 106) and share the names of a few friends you can invite to join you. But most importantly, have fun before your study time begins. Where do we find new members for our group? This is simpler than you think. Think of how most of your relationships started: either you initiated conversation or someone else initiated conversation with you. At Manna Church we call this shoulder-tapping. A shoulder-tap is when you personally invite someone into a group. Utilizing the Circles of Life chart, begin shoulder-tapping those in your spheres of influence (oikos); your friends from church, work, neighborhood, family, etc. If you and your group members do this, then your group will have everyone who is supposed to be there. No matter how you find members, it’s vital that you stay on the lookout for new people to join your group. All groups tend to go through healthy attrition—the result of moves, releasing new leaders, ministry opportunities, and so forth—and if the group gets too small, it could be at risk of shutting down. If you and your group stay open, you’ll be amazed at the people God sends your way. The next person just might become a friend for life. You never know! How long will this group meet? It’s totally up to the group once you come to the end of the six-week study. Most groups meet weekly for at least their first six weeks, but every other week can work as well. At the end of this study, each group member may decide if he or she wants to continue on for a follow-up study. Some groups launch relationships for years to come, and others are stepping stones into another group experience. Either way, enjoy the journey. Can we do this study on our own? Absolutely! This may sound crazy, but one of the best ways to do this study is not with a full house but with a few friends. You may choose L I F E G I V I N G 104

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to meet with another couple who would enjoy some relational time (perhaps going to the movies or having a quiet dinner) and then walking through this study. Jesus will be with you even if there are only two of you (Matthew 18:20). What if this group is not working for us? You’re not alone! This could be the result of a personality conflict, life stage difference, geographical distance, level of spiritual maturity, or any number of things. Relax. Pray for God’s direction, and at the end of this six-week study, decide whether to continue with this group or find another. You don’t typically buy the first car you look at or marry the first person you date, and the same goes with a group. However, don’t bail out before the six weeks are up—God might have something to teach you. Also, don’t run from conflict or judge people before you have given them a chance. God is still working in your life, too! Who is the leader? Most groups have an official leader. But ideally, the group will mature and members will share the leadership of the group. We have discovered that healthy groups rotate hosts/leaders and homes on a regular basis. This model ensures that all members grow, give their unique contribution, and develop their gifts. This study guide and the Holy Spirit can keep things on track even when you rotate leaders. Christ has promised to be in your midst as you gather. Ultimately, God is your leader each step of the way. How do we handle the childcare needs in our group? Very carefully. Seriously, this can be a sensitive issue. We suggest that you empower the group to openly brainstorm solutions. You may try one option that works for a while and then adjust over time. Our favorite approach is for adults to meet in the living room or dining room and to share the cost of a babysitter (or two) who can watch the kids in a different part of the house. This way, parents don’t have to be away from their children all evening when their children are too young to be left at home. A second option is to use one home for the kids and a second home (close by or a phone call away) for the adults. A third idea is to rotate the responsibility of providing a lesson or care for the children, either in the same home or in another home nearby. This can be an incredible blessing for kids. Finally, the most common solution is to decide that you need to have a night to invest in your spiritual lives individually or as a couple and to make your own arrangements for childcare. No matter what decision the group makes, the best approach is to dialogue openly about both the problem and the solution.

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SMALL GROUP

Our Purpose:

Planning and scheduling can help ensure the greatest participation at every meeting. At the end of each meeting, review this calendar. Don’t forget birthdays, socials, church events, holidays, and service projects.

AGREEMENT To provide a predictable environment where participants experience accountability, belonging and care.

Group Attendance

I will make a commitment to prioritize attendance of this small group. I will call or email if I will be late or absent. (Completing the Small Group Calendar on page 107 will minimize this issue.)

Safe Environment

I will help create a safe space where people can be heard and feel loved – no quick answers, snap judgments, or simple fixes.

Respect Differences

I will be gentle and gracious to fellow group members with different spiritual maturity, personal opinions, temperaments, or “imperfections.” We are all works in progress.

Confidentiality

I will keep anything that is shared strictly confidential and within the group, and I will avoid sharing improper information about those outside the group.

Encourage Each Other

I will be a giver of life, not a taker. We want to help each other grow spiritually by serving one another.

Shared Ownership

I will help make this group happen by sharing a small team role or responsibility over time (food, prayer, discussion, service project, etc.).

Serve Our Community

I will engage with my group in a service project in our community (food bank, community service organization, nursing home, neighbor, etc.).

CALENDAR Date

Lesson

Host Home

11/16

Steve and Laura's

Dessert/Meal Joe

Details: When we will meet (day of week):______________________________________ Where we will meet (place):___________________________________________ We will begin at (time): _______________ and end at (time): _______________ Childcare Plan:_______________________________________________________

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Leader Bill

ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS’

CHECK-IN

Select an accountability partner (of the same gender). Briefly check in each week and write down your personal plans and progress targets for the next week (or even for the next few weeks). This could be done before or after the meeting, on the phone, through an e-mail message, or even in person from time to time. ________________________________

My Name:

________________________________

Partner’s Name:

________________________________

PRAYER & PRAISE

REPORT Prayer Requests

Praise Reports

Session 3

Our Plans:

Session 1

Session 2

Our Progress:

Session 4

Week 1

Session 5

Week 2

Week 3

Session 6

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

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HOSTING AN

OPEN HOUSE If you’re starting a new group, try planning an “open house” before your first formal group meeting. Even if you have only two to four core members, it’s a great way to break the ice and to consider prayerfully who else might be open to joining you over the next few weeks. You can also use this kick-off meeting to hand out study guides, spend some time getting to know each other, discuss each person’s expectations for the group, and briefly pray for each other.

A simple meal or good desserts always make a kick-off meeting more fun. After people introduce themselves and share how they ended up being at the meeting (you can play a game to see who has the best story), have everyone respond to a few icebreaker questions:

· What is your favorite family vacation? · What is one thing you love about your church/our community? · What are three things about your life growing up that most people here don’t know?

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Next, ask everyone to tell what he or she hopes to get out of the study. You might want to review the Small Group Agreement and talk about each person’s expectations and priorities. Finally, set an open chair (maybe two) in the center of your group and explain that it represents someone who would enjoy or benefit from this group but who isn’t here yet. Ask people to pray about inviting someone to join the group over the next few weeks. Hand out postcards and have everyone write an invitation or two. Don’t worry about ending up with too many people; you can always have one discussion circle in the living room and another in the dining room after you watch the lesson. Each group could then report prayer requests and progress at the end of the session. You can skip this kick-off meeting if your time is limited, but you’ll experience a huge benefit if you take the time to connect with each other in this way. L I F E G I V I N G 111

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HOSTING FOR THE

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Sweaty palms are a healthy sign. The Bible says God is gracious to the humble. Remember Who is in control; the time to worry is when you’re not worried. Those who are soft in heart (and sweaty-palmed) are those whom God is sure to speak through. Seek support. Ask your leader, co-leader, or close friend to pray for you and prepare with you before the session. Walking through the study will help you anticipate potentially difficult questions and discussion topics. Bring your uniqueness to the study. Lean into who you are and how God wants you to uniquely lead the study. Shoulder-tap to grow. Growing your group is best done through invitation. Utilizing the Circles of Life chart in this study guide on page 116, begin inviting those in your sphere of influence. Prepare. Prepare. Prepare. Go through the session several times. If you are using the DVD, listen to the teaching segment. Consider writing in a journal or fasting for a day to prepare yourself for what God wants to do. Don’t wait until the last minute to prepare.

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Share with your group what God is doing in your heart. God is searching for those whose hearts are fully His. Share your trials and victories. We promise that people will relate. Prayerfully consider whom you would like to pass the baton to next week. It’s only fair. God is ready for the next member of your group to go on the faith journey you just traveled. Make it fun, and expect God to do the rest. Three simple goals as you host your group: - Meet: Connect and build relationships. People stick because of relationships. - Mentor: Life is a journey and everyone is at a different place on that journey. Help people make just one step further in their faith. - Multiply: Multiply disciples by inviting people to your group. Multiply leaders by sharing ownership. Multiply groups; if you find that your house is getting a bit too full, consider having another person start a new group. God’s heart is for this to take place over time. One final challenge: Before your first session, look up each of the five passages listed below. Read each one as a devotional exercise to help yourself develop a shepherd’s heart. Trust us on this one. If you do this, you will be more than ready for your first meeting. Matthew 9:36 1 Peter 5:2-4 Psalm 23 Ezekiel 34:11-16 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8, 11-12

Ask for feedback so you can grow. Perhaps in an email or on cards handed out at the study, have everyone write down three things you did well and one thing you could improve on. Don’t get defensive. Instead, show an openness to learn and grow.

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TRAINING 101 Congratulations! You have responded to the call to help shepherd Jesus’ flock. There are few other tasks in the family of God that surpass the contribution you will be making. As you prepare to host this group, here are a few thoughts to keep in mind. Take a moment to read through these before your first meeting. 1. Remember that you are not alone. God knows everything about

you, and He knew that you would host this group. Remember that it is common for all good leaders to feel that they are not ready to lead. Moses, Solomon, Jeremiah, and Timothy were all reluctant to lead. God promises, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Whether you are leading for the first time or the hundredth time, you will be blessed as you serve.

2. Don’t try to do it alone. Pray right now for God to help you involve

others to facilitate this group. If you can enlist a co-host to help you lead the group, you will find your experience to be much richer. This is your chance to involve as many people as you can in building a healthy group. All you have to do is call and ask people to help. You’ll probably be surprised at the response.

3. Just be yourself. If you won’t be you, who will? God wants you to use your unique gifts and temperament. Don’t try to do things exactly like another leader; do them in a way that fits you! Just admit it when you don’t have an answer, and apologize when you make a mistake. Your group will love you for it, and you’ll sleep better at night!

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you to whomever He wants you to encourage or challenge in a special way. If you listen, God will surely lead!

6. When you ask a question, be patient. Someone will eventually respond. Sometimes people need a moment or two of silence to think about the question. Keep in mind, if silence doesn’t bother you, it won’t bother anyone else. After someone responds, affirm the response with a simple “thanks.” Then ask, “How about somebody else?” or “Would someone who hasn’t shared like to add anything?” Be sensitive to new people or reluctant members who aren’t ready to say, pray or do anything. If you give them a safe setting, they will blossom over time. Don’t feel the need to follow up their responses with your own answer. Your job is to facilitate discussion, not be the source for every answer. 7. Provide transitions between questions. When guiding the discussion, always read aloud the transitional paragraphs and the questions. Ask the group if anyone would like to read the paragraph or Bible passage. Don’t call on anyone, but ask for a volunteer, and then be patient until someone begins. Be sure to thank the person who reads aloud. 8. Break up into smaller groups if your group gets too big. If your group has more than ten people, we strongly encourage you to have the group gather in discussion circles of five or six people during the Hear God’s Story, Study Notes, Create A New Story, and Digging Deeper sections of the study. With a greater opportunity to talk in a small circle, people will connect more with the study, apply more quickly what they’re learning and ultimately get more out of it. A small circle also encourages a quiet person to participate and tends to minimize the effects of a more vocal or dominant member. It can also help people feel more loved in your group. Also, you may consider having each small circle end their discussions in prayer instead of coming back to pray all together. Ask someone from each small circle to share prayer requests with you so the entire group can join in prayer for those needs during the week.

4. Prepare for your meeting ahead of time. We encourage you to preview the session and write down your responses to each question. Pay special attention to exercises that ask group members to do something other than engage in discussion. These exercises will help your group live what the Bible teaches, not just talk about it. If the exercise employs one of the items in the Appendices, be sure to look over that item so you’ll know how it works. Finally, review the Outline for Each Session segments so you’ll remember the purpose of each section in the study. 5. Pray for your group members by name. Before each session, go around the room in your mind and pray for each member by name. You may want to review the prayer list at least once a week. Ask God to use your time together to touch the heart of every person uniquely. Expect God to lead L I F E G I V I N G 114

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CIRCLES OF

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OTHER

LIFE

FAMILY

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FAMILIAR

FRIENDS

FUN

FIRM (work)

NAME

ADDRESS

(gym, hobbies, hangouts)

PHONE

(neighbors, kids, sports teams, school, and so forth)

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