I'll Live Off These Words--A Collage of Literary Works

I’ll Live Off These Words –A collage of literary works By Brandy Hill

A book composed with the talents of a genius mind

Table of Contents Introduction o Writers Statement

Non-Fiction o As I Remember…As it Was Told

Dramatic Writing o Live Life Love Gold

Fiction

o Freedom o I Promise Color is Life

Poetry o Life worth Livin Blues o Good Life o Luchini o Confessions of a Christian Writer

Writers Statement I’ll Live Off These Words is a composition of four literary genres and life experiences that are all unified by aspects of constant themes of my life perception. This array of work was chosen because it all represents how I intend to write and the fulfillment that my writing lends to me. Whether it is the fictional creations or the poetic chants I was challenged to incorporate original ideas that would only enhance the words put on paper words that relied on me. Life was an overlying theme in all of these works; particularly my life. I wanted to capture the things that stuck out to me from the change in the presidential seat to a story that someone shared with me. I wanted it all to feel real.

I decided to title this I’ll Live Off These Words because my words are inspirational to me simply put I do live off of what I write. For years I’ve been writing not only to fill the requirement of an assignment but to enhance my self perceptions and that’s been the balance in my life. I enjoy writing because it is an outlet for organization and true emotion an outlet to internal

satisfaction. Writing allows me to live off memories, create art out of life, and to enjoy my own type of melodic pleasure. I want inspirations to jump from these words and allow the reader free interpretations. All of this work is a representation of me in words.

Non-Fiction -“There is something about memories…good and bad…they must be important because you remember them. You don’t remember the memories that are meant to be forgotten.”

As I Remember...As it Was Told

Chapter 1: Liberation Memories don’t begin in the womb... but it is in that womb where the brain begins to develops memories.

My parent’s have told me several stories about the day I was born and fortunately I have seen pictures confirming my very first birthday. I was born in West Penn Hospital November 3, 1991. My mom always tells me about the hard time she gave the nurse

when she was in labor. Four people had to hold my mom down including my father while she was having contractions. She told me that my dad was holding her hand and she had squeezed it to death. My mom also bit the nurse. All the veins in her eyes busted because she had been straining so much and eventually I came out. My dad wanted to see what I looked like because I was his first child too and he was the first person to touch me. He was happy and proud. I came out at 12:29 am. I weighed five pounds and eight ounces and was seventeen and a half inches long. Some of the first people there were both sets of my grandparents. My grandma from my dad’s side examined every part of my body and took pictures. She also wore pink because I was the first granddaughter she had. My mom also spent a great deal of time looking at me, dressing me, and just talking to me. She laughed and cried at the same time when I was finally here to live.

Chapter 2: Beginning Your house is not always your home... your home is where you lay your

heart every night.

The first place that I lived in was my grandma’s house (dad’s mother) in Penn Hills on Bryant Drive. My parents and I lived in the basement of her one floor home. I learned to do my first everything’s there. I learned to walk when I was two years old and my first words were hi and dada. I also developed all my good and bad habits. All my family members who were around me when I was young would mention to me that I have and always had a smart mouth. They would tell me as soon as I could mumble I was telling anyone and everyone off. I’ve watched videos of me being on the phone when I was about three years old just telling someone off. Who knows what I was saying. My mom, dad, and my aunt were multi – talented people and I loved to do dance and sing. My aunt could dance and sing very well and she did it all around the house. I couldn’t help but join in. My dad was a wonderful drummer and he made beats with his mouth or with things around the

house, and everyone would sit in the living room and watch me dance. My mother would sing to me all the time and that would always soothingly put me to sleep. I was the only little life in that house until a year later when my oldest little brother Brady was born on October 16, 1992.

I wasn’t disappointed but I was very happy to be a big sister to my little brother. We would play so much together in the playpen and we loved pressing our faces up against the play pen net. When my granddad would come home from work we would help him take his shoes off and take his lunch box into the kitchen. Brady would just follow my lead. I loved to hug Brady just because he was my brother and kiss him on the forehead because that’s what my mom did to the both of us. Since we were only eleven months apart people would often think we were twins and the more I think about it we looked a lot alike. Brady and I experienced a lot of our firsts together too.

Brady was chubby and I liked to eat and my grandma told my mother that the formula that we were eating didn’t fill us up. We were then introduced to the wonderful world of hot food. The first thing I remember my grandma making for

us was breakfast. Like my dad I would have to say my favorite meals were breakfast meals. She made us grits, eggs, and jelly toast. We also had Minute Maid Fruit Punch, which we loved too. We were always able to get seconds. My mother used to make us pancakes the best pancakes I’ve ever had. We would always get off asking for more than we could handle. I also used to love to eat cereal. My favorite cereals were Frosted Flakes, Trix, and Rice Crispies Treats Cereal. I ate cereal just about anytime of the day.

Chapter 3: Work and Play It’s exciting to remember the changes...the new things that kept your heart warming with happy feelings.

Not too long after we stayed at my grandma’s house we moved to an apartment in Green tree. My mom was looking for somewhere to be closer to her new job at Greenway Middle School. My mom was certified to be a biology teacher. We lived on Chestland Street and still were a family of four. My mom took Brady and I to work with her everyday and boy did we have fun. The school was fairly large then. It had two fields at the bottom of the hill and 3 floors not including the basement, which were all primary colors. Brady and I enjoyed cart wheeling and flipping through the hallways before all the older kids would come. My mom would have to go to the office because she had to get the keys to her room and the older man in the office would always offer us old people candy.

I would always take the gold candy (butterscotch) and I hated it. I didn’t like the taste of it plus it was a hard candy. Then I would take a mint to get the taste out

of my mouth. We would sit in the classroom with the kids and they loved playing with us.

Since my mom was available she would chaperone a lot of the trips they went on. We went to Geauga Lake and a roller-skating rink/mini golf park. I remember riding the charter bus to one of the trips and the smell of the bathroom on the back was horrible. I attempted to hold my breath the whole ride but I eventually I just put myself to sleep.

My dad’s job was just as thrilling. He worked at a lot of dealerships but two that I remember are Parkway East ford and Baum Boulevard Dodge. At Baum Boulevard Dodge they would give us doughnut holes and let us play in the display cars. I remember selling a car to a woman on the phone and I got a fivedollar check. Our dad did a lot of things at the dealership and he would often ride us around on the golf cart through both buildings of the dealership. When we left they would give us balloons that they’d display on the cars.

At Parkway East Ford the dealership had a big promotion day and they

had their monster truck and pony rides. Brady and I rode a pony his was a little bigger than mines but it pooped as soon as Brady got on his back. After we rode the pony we got autographed pictures of the monster truck and fingerprints for an i.d. I was still thinking about Brady’ little horse.

Chapter 4: Home You learn what is right from wrong…...you learn what fun is...you even

learn how to live...right here at home.

(Life At Home) At home Brady and I enjoyed watching T.V. His favorite T.V. show was Thomas the train engine and mines was Barney. We watched PBS all the time until it went off in the afternoon. I was very attached to Barney. I had a Barney and a Barney everything from underwear to bed sheets. I couldn’t go anywhere without him. My aunt always tells me the story about how attached I was to Barney. I wouldn’t let him out of my sight or leave him home.

One day I went to my aunt’s house and we stayed for a while. She lived on a whole another side of town. When we left we were half way home and I woke up realizing I didn’t have Barney. I decided to have a fake panic attack and my mom had to drive all the way back home just to get him.

Our apartment was in the middle of Pizza Hut, Wendy’s, Burger King, Dairy Queen, 7- 11, Amoco, BP, KB toys, the dentist a bowling alley, a car wash, a laundry mat and very close to the Parkway Center mall. We loved to eat at burger king and get the little crowns. Brady and I both were in a bowling club, and after we bowled so much we got free bikes. We went to Dairy Queen a lot and Brady and I would always get mixed cups. We loved going to McDonalds and play in the balls. We would only get happy meals. Brady and I would always go to 7-11 to get big drinks often slushies that made our lips blue. I hated the car wash because it scared me when the big machine would wash the window. I would get on the car floor and shield my head, and cry because I thought the machine would bust the window through. Since my mom liked to walk we would walk to the Foodland and the fire station a lot. Brady always liked to see the fire truck. At Foodland my mom would go to the deli and Brady and I would always ask for a sample of the ham and cheese. It was good every time. Pizza Hut became my favorite food place. We would always get personal pepperoni pizzas and I loved the cheese in the crust. We have watched the Parkway center

change from the time we moved there to the time we moved and the mall has jus been dwindling in stores ever since. I went to a dentist there to get some of my front teeth pulled. I had a necklace in the shape of a tooth that I put my teeth inside. I loved to go to pay less and look at the cartoons the put on shoes. I remember getting Barney stuff from there. My mom and dad would often go to Syms. I thought it was the biggest most boring store until I got something from there. I did like the smooth jazz music they played and the ramps. Under Syms there was a pet store. I liked to see the fish in the aqua blue light. I also loved seeing the bunnies that played in wood chips. At and exit to the mall was a fountain. Brady and I always made a wish usually I would wish for a cookie at Giant Eagle which was right next-door. When we walked past the bakery I would ask whoever was there if we could have one cookie, because we were so cute we would always get one. I liked that Giant Eagle because it was big and you could get lost easily. For some reason I would try to purposely get lost so my mother could find me. But my mom never let us out of her eyesight. The dentist was always fun. When we went they took pictures of our teeth from different

angles, and then we would sit in the chair while the dentist would show us the pictures and ask us about school. At that dentist they had a no cavity club and you had to get your picture taking for that. They would put your picture up on a wall with all the other kids that came to the dentist. Also when you left you got a toy and a new tooth brush but you couldn’t eat for a half an hour. I would always be really hungry after that.

Chapter 5: Music’s Life It’s one song that triggers my memory back to the times I used to have fun...the times where new people took the places of an old home.

A couple years of fun soon passed and on December 14, 1994 my little brother Bradley was born. This same year I caught chicken pox, started kindergarten, got a relaxer, and was singing. I

don’t remember my chicken pox but my mom told me that I had one in my mouth.

My mom had a lot of things to do as far as work and I got baby sitters. The first baby sitter we had was Ms. Deon. She lived in an apartment that wasn’t to far from my mom’s job. I don’t remember doing too much at that house except eating dinosaur oatmeal, taking a nap, and going back home.

The next baby sitter we had was Ms. Wanda. She and her apartment made a lot to remember. Ms. Wanda was a short light skin lady that was all I knew to be true about her appearance. She had two sons Jarvis and Theo. Theo was her oldest son. His room was extremely dirty. His room had a horrible smell, clothes were all over the floor, he had an empty dirty fish tank in his room and his bed was never made. He would always kick us out of his room. Her younger son Theo was a little older than us but he would play with us all the time. His room was always clean and he had bunk beads which I really liked. One time we played hide and go seek around the whole apartment with little party favor water guns. I got lost running away instead of hiding so I sat down until someone else ran through the hallway. After we would play around we would watch a few T.V.

shows and eat lunch. We would watch Banana’s in Pajamas and after that Ms. Wanda would watch Days of Our Lives or the Yolanda Adams video tape. I hated both of those things. One day before I ate I went to use the bathroom and when I got done I saw some real teeth in a green liquid. I asked Ms. Wanda why those were in their and she told me because she was a vampire. I was terrified and I began to wonder what exactly was hers. Ms. Wanda would make us grilled cheese and make us drink cheap fruit punch. It was always too sweet.

Around this time I had an interview for kindergarten so I could start early.

The teacher that interviewed me was Mrs.Hatley. She asked me how well I could recite the alphabet, and how high I could count to. I had to say my shapes and colors, days of the week, months, and the holidays I knew. I often would say squirrel instead of square for no reason in particular. I know I was ready for kindergarten. I did start kindergarten earlier than everyone else. My parents were proud of me for doing that on my own.

At home I was trying new things and coming intact with music. My dad had a big stereo in the living room with two big speakers and they were also

connected to the T.V. My dad liked two artists Hezekiah Walker and John P. Kee. I loved to watch the John. P. Kee video. It was so lively and fun to watch because his kids were singing and they would always change outfits. I was very attached to watching live concerts because the music sounded better and was interesting to watch. We listened to the Hezekiah Walker tape a lot and it was very easy for me to rememorize a song. Brady and I would always sing the wrong words because we didn’t take time to realize what the songs were saying. We would give our parents great humor singing gospel songs and adding out own words like tic tac instead of city. The first songs I started singing were “Jesus Loves Me”, “Hey Ho”, and “Oh Mary Matt”. I also loved to sing Silent Night. I sang that song in a Christmas program at the Covenant church in Wilkinsburg.

We went to two churches at that time, my granddad’s church and the Covenant church. We would also visit the church in around which had some of the longest services I’ve ever been to. My granddad’s church was fun to go to because it was small and most of the congregation was family or close friends of the family. His church was in Hazelwood and it always took us a while to get

there. When you first walked into the church there was a water jug and coat racks, and underneath the coat racks were tables with the paper Christian books on them. There were a lot of older kids that went to the church that claimed they new me since birth. I didn’t remember them though. Ms. Ruby sat in the back of the church and gave me mints. I really liked talking to her. My grandma sat in the very front of the church and my aunt Jeanie would often sing for the church.

There was a lady that went to the church named sister Micha and she would always give a testimony saying she didn’t play with God. She had a disability so the church would always laugh. My granddad would take the church out to dinner. Most of the time we would eat at Ponderosa or Eatin’ Park. Because we couldn’t always go out to eat some of the members decided to open a store in the basement. They sold chips and Mistic drinks, huggies, and candy. Brady and I got caught taking from the store because we were supposed to be going to the bathroom and were no where to be found.

In the Covenant church Brady, Bradley, and I went to daycare. I remember they had a picture day and we got book bags with our picture on them and little

his or her colored combs, brushes, and mirrors. I liked the church a lot because it was big and we had a lot to do there.

Chapter 6: School’s Foundation A child needs encouragement...a child needs acknowledgement...and a child needs a fun environment to learn at school.

I was loving school. I enjoyed every minute of it. I knew my kindergarten class by heart, and one personal thing about every classmate. I was so enthusiastic about what I was learning and I would always be able to tell my mom about something new I learned everyday.

My parents would always send me to school with a packed lunch. I occasionally would eat a school lunch if I helped out or I left my lunch at home. One boy in my kindergarten class would always tell me he

was hungry and ask me for my lunch and out of pity for him I would. I would go home starving asking my mom as soon as I got home for a snack and she couldn’t figure out why I was so hungry. She then decided to give me extra and I was still coming home starved. She finally asked me why I was so hungry and I told her because I was giving someone my lunch. My mom was furious. She felt bad for me but she was upset because that kid in particular had the opportunity to receive a school lunch. I gave my lunch to anyone again but I was always willing to share.

Being the youngest child in my kindergarten class I was happy to move on along with the other kids. I became a first grader and my brother Brady went into kindergarten. I was happy to have him there with me. In first grade I began seeing a whole another side of the school I’ve never seen before. I had a locker and actual classes to move around to but all my classes were mainly on one floor. My favorite subjects were art and gym. My gym teacher was coach K and my art teacher was Ms. Bishop. I also loved music but it wasn’t as fun as art and gym. In gym class we always had health and gym. All classes had to sit on the

dots on the floor in a straight line of about 5 or six kids across the gym. We would change the person sitting in the front so that everyone would have a chance to get health books for their row. All the grade levels had different colored books and we couldn’t wait to get the next color. The health books were in large print so it was a fairly big book. The first color we had was navy blue. We had more health classes than gym because in gym there wasn’t too much that we did.

Coach K would only let us play games like freeze tag, dodge ball, and kick ball.

Surprisingly they took all period and we would end up resuming the same game our next gym period. I loved playing games I knew with kids other than my siblings because there were always a larger amount of kids.

In art class we didn’t start off doing too much either. Like all the other grades we made portfolios. We did a few coloring activities but we didn’t have a lot of art classes regularly so we’d often be doing the same project every time we went. I did like art because my teacher told us there was no good and bad art, art is whatever you want it to be.

I moved on to the second grade. I lost a few people from my class and

gained a couple new people. I could always tell who was missing and who was new. I had another new mix of teachers and a different level of subjects. Two things I remember learning in second grade were how to read and about Columbus Day. The book I remember reading the most was Down by the Bay and I remember it because it was not only a book but a song. Every other line in the books rhymed and it was the first little book I rememorized. Other books I read were Dream and Tuesdays. These books were a start to my passion for reading.

Learning about Columbus Day was actually fun. I think originally we were supposed to have a day off but we didn’t. I was in class with a different group of kids because a lot didn’t come to school anyway. A girl was drinking strawberry milk and she kept looking to see if I would snitch on her because she wasn’t supposed to take it out of the lunch room. She rushed to finish drinking it and spit it all back up and covered it with her Columbus Day history information. I turned my head and eventually moved away from the desk because I have a weak stomach. She was sent to the nurse and I was left thinking about that disgusting

situation. After she was taken care of we had time do arts and crafts. They told us about how Columbus discovered America and I never heard that story. After we read the paper we made black hats and books that had a map of the route Columbus traveled. I went home and told my parents everything I could remember.

I then moved on to third grade. I felt a little superior to all the other kids in the school and I became more involved with activities. I had glasses that I either always lost or broke. The eye doctor said I only needed them for reading but I hated wearing them now. I joined instrumental and choir. I became a percussionist because I wanted to be like my father who is a wonderful drummer and I joined choir because I wanted to sing as well as my mother. I enjoyed doing both activities because both of my parents were able to relate and help me improve. I liked choir during Christmas time because we learned so much fun Christmas music and we sang for the school. I also played songs for the Christmas program so I felt confident knowing I was capable of doing both singing and playing and instrument.

I also had a new English teacher and my kindergarten teacher became my science teacher. I also learned how to type and use programs on the computer.

My English teacher was basically the language arts teacher but she really encouraged reading. I began to enjoy reading even more with the extra push from her and the help of the school librarian. The first things I read in that class were goose bumps books because it was the popular thing on T.V. at the time.

My mom didn’t really encourage the books because of our religion so I was forced to read a lot of other things. I learned new words which helped on standardized tests and papers I had to take and write in that class. My speech also improved according to my new science teacher.

She was very close to my mother being that we attended the school for all those years. Anytime she had a problem she went straight to my mother and she would always tell me she had concerns because she cared. I liked her but I knew better than to act up in her class. She knew that I had a crush on the class and I think she did her best to basically warn me about pursuing things to early. I remember doing rubbings and making a huge quilt of them to be displayed in the

public library up the street.

With all my classes that year we used the computer. Our computer director was Ms. Biondo she also did a lot of the school activities in general. I liked using the computer lab for art in particular because we would make our projects on programs like paint. I was very interested in computers because I loved to use Encarta. In addition to information Encarta had educational games.

When we had free time we were able to explore the program. I always finished everything early because I could type fast with one finger. I didn’t take well to typing. I actually hated the typing class, instead of grasping the keys asdf in my hands I was grasping it in my head and that didn’t do any good.

I moved on to fourth grade and advanced in so many different things. We got a new math teacher who was extremely fun. I also was able to join the track team and the dance team for choir.

We always talked about being one year closer to graduating. We didn’t have to walk in straight lines and with the class anymore. As fourth graders we practically ran recess along side the fifth graders and we got more of a privilege.

That year I read the announcements several times and I was student of the month. I was also doing very well in art and my art work was finally displayed in the case in front of the office. I decided to help the Saint Jude math program and won a t-shirt raising money for every problem I did.

I was at the top level of percussion so even though I wasn’t a fifth grader I was in an intermediate position. I was able to help other percussionist and I was able to read sheet music. I auditioned to do a dance during the chorus song passed the audition. I was into dancing and music period. There were four girls in the dance number and we did it for the school. We changed the dance around a lot before the actual school performance and being a little nervous I messed up. I felt so embarrassed afterwards and immediately made a lie to cover the fact I actually did mess up.

In gym class I was exceptional. I could jump rope very well. I was just as good as the boys in basket ball and I was into track. I ran the 50 yard dash and practiced the shuttle baton and other track activities with the team. I could run faster than a lot of the fifth graders and I was one of three track members

accepted on the team. My grandma and dad came to see me the day of the competition. In my race I didn’t do as good as I wanted. It was my first time and I didn’t like the turf in the field. Our team did win several trophies that we announced the next morning though.

I loved math class. With the help of our teacher we had an introduction to geometry and we learned a lot from everyday math for once. I learned about pie day which was fun and we learned how to budget a trip. For pie day I brought in an Oreo Cookie Pie from Eat n’ Park. It was extremely good. I was looking forward to take the pie home but everyone else thought it was extremely good too so that didn’t quite work out. We had a contest remembering all the number in pie and I won remembering the most. I got extra points in the class.

I also advanced even further in Language Arts. I was fluently reading books. My favorite series of books was Addy and since my mom worked at a high school. I read a lot of books out of their library. I could my whole alphabet in cursive. I was attempting to create a new handwriting style so I started to copy my mother and father’s handwriting and came up with an exceptional and original

handwriting style I could call my own. I enjoyed writing stories and poems. I made some of my best writing projects with my new Language Arts confidence and I realized it would be something I really wanted to do.

I then moved on to my final year of elementary school, fifth grade. I wasn’t too much looking for this year because I knew soon I would be leaving people that I spent five years with. I had the most of my memories in fifth grade and my best experiences.

In art we worked the Carnegie Museum. They came to our school sometimes and we went to there’s. I finally worked with the boy I had a crush on and during one of the projects we worked on together he told me he always had feelings for me. I wasn’t so much interested in him anymore at the time but I gladly accepted the concern. We made a wonderful 3d house because I did the blue prints and he did the constructing. We won an award for the best team in the program.

In language arts we had a Native American party. We wrote papers before we had the party and we had to research a lot of Native American history to write

the papers. Out teacher warned us that at the party we would be trying a lot of new things and we did. I ate deer meat. If I knew what it was before I ate it I would have not ate it. I brought in corn bread muffins that were all gone by the end of the party. I also tried green tea for the first time and I hated that also. The party was a great experience. I was able to find out where some of the foods we eat today came from and how some of the tribes were named.

In music we were sampling songs that we would possibly sing for graduation. Our number one choice was from a T.V. show called S-Club seven. I was still involved in chorus and instrumental. We did a lot more selections because it was our last year. We also had a lot of free time because there wasn’t that much more we could learn in music. My instrumental teacher was also leaving the same year as us so it was sad that we would all be leaving at the same time.

This same year I also experienced things that I didn’t expect. One of my closest friends was burned in a fire. I went to see her almost everyday that I could when we able to visit her. I let her come over a lot when she got out of the

hospital and I stuck up for her when she came back to the school. I felt bad for her when I seen how bad she was burned and I learned how to deal with something that serious.

This same year I got braces. The whole five years I was with my kindergarten teacher she complained I had a speech problem. I had a severe over bite and my dentist recommended braces. I was very upset about getting them because I knew they would hurt. I got another one of my teeth pulled just for spacers and I knew I would hate the experience but I would enjoy the outcome. I looked like a pure geek because I wore glasses and had braces but I was still popular.

We made class t-shirts and went on a class trip to Sand Castle. It was my first time going and I had fun. Out of peer pressure I rode the slide that went straight down. I was scared to death and I remember getting out of the water speechless. I got darker from being out there without sun tan lotion and I took a couple got milk pictures. I had to leave early because I was also committed to a newspaper job.

I graduated with a couple extra awards and my family was there. I was sad that I would be leaving my friends and probably be seeing them for the last time. We took so many pictures, and wrote each others numbers down promising to Kit (keep in touch).

Dramatic Writing -“Drama is realistic. Drama encompasses the ideas of life and pain and ties them both together with characters, characters that touch the reader so much by putting the drama in their heart.”

Live Love Life Gold By Brandy Hill

INT-LIVING ROOM-NIGHT A’isha is coming downstairs to get a glass of water and she’s wearing a t-shirt and some gym shorts. One of her mom’s boyfriends Larry is sitting in the living room with his feet up on the coffee table and his pants unbuttoned. A’isha comes down through the living room and walks right into the kitchen.

LARRY

Hey you can’t speak to me, I know you see me sitting here

little girl.

A’isha hurries into the kitchen while Larry throws his stuff down into the couch.

Girl you stop to speak to me when you see me in here. Don’t you ever walk past me while I’m talking to you.

A’isha continues to open the fridge and take out the water.

A’ISHA I see you, hear you; I’m tired of speaking to you its evil.

Larry steps in front of her while she pours the water and grabs A’isha’s face.

LARRY Don’t ever disrespect me. I may not be your daddy, I wouldn’t want to be. But don’t disrespect me.

A’isha snatches her face away from his hand.

A’ISHA

You ain’t nobody worth speaking to even on a good day.

Don’t bother me.

A’isha drinks her water and rolls her eyes at Larry. He smacks her across the face. She begins to cry and throws the glass down breaking it.

A’ISHA That’s it… I’m tired of you this house. Since your so close to my mom tell her I’m leaving. I’ll find somewhere to go but I ain’t stayin here with two drugees. Put your damn hands on me.

LARRY Betta be lucky that I ain’t in the mood or I would do what I been wanting to do to you for along time.

A’isha looks back at larry and runs out of the kitchen.

INT-BEDROOM-MIDNIGHT

A’isha stomps upstairs and starts throwing clothes into her bag. She countiually wipes her face as she clears out the drawer she already had fixed to pack. She throws herself back against the wall and dramatically cries she wipes her face and puts her hand on a bible.

A’ISHA Lord I made the decision to walk away. I don’t know where I’m going but I know your already making my way. I know you have a better place for me even if it’s right up there with you. But I’m never gonna stop loving you and thanking you because all things work together for my good they have to AMEN.

A’isha grabs her bag and runs downstairs then she runs out the door. Larry is in the living room snoring.

EXT-CORNER-MID-NIGHT A’isha is sitting on her bag on the corner she’s counting and recounting the change she has in her pocket. She kicks a rock down into the sewer and pulls out her cell phone to see who she could call. She then decides to call her grandma.

A’ISHA Gram… Hey how are you tonight?

GRANDMA Now sweetie you calling me past my bed time. Tell grandma what’s wrong.

A’ISHA

Grandma I left the house. I need somewhere to go. Can I please come stay with you?

GRANDMA What… my goodness where are you.

A’ISHA I’m at the bus way in front of my house.

GRANDMA I’m coming to get you now. Just hold on and don’t talk to strangers.

EXT-BUS SHELTER, CAR-MID-NIGHT A’isha walks over to the bus top shelter and looks at an old help center advertisement. She holds her forehead while she stares it up and down and then punches her suitcase. Her grandma pulls up and A’isha gets in. They keep staring out the opposite windows until Grandma notices tears coming out of A’isha’s eyes.

GRANDMA Don’t blame yourself honey it will be ok. I know how you feel, but don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel as though you did something wrong. You have the ability and strength that God gave you to not be worried about those things that hurt you.

A’isha But it’s hard knowing that one day I may lose the little attention I have from my mother. I already lost my father and I could lose my mom the same way. What does it take Grandma?

GRANDMA

Make the difference in your life. Everything else won’t have but the choice to adapt to your difference A’isha.

A’isha looks away and she’s still crying about the situation her grandma reaches for her hand and they hold hands for a little.

INT-GRANDMA’S HOUSE-DAY Grandma is making breakfast in the kitchen. Grandpa is sitting at the table reading the morning paper. A’isha comes down stairs just waking up. Grandpa is first to notice her.

GRANDPA Oh God where did this nappy headed child come from? She ain’t one of mine. She too young to be one of mine. Mine is dead now and it wasn’t no girl.

GRANDMA Paul this is your granddaughter A’isha.

GRANDPA Well look at that we haven’t seen her since her mother…

GRANDMA Now Paul just say good morning.

GRANDPA Well Sheila your just gonna have to excuse grandpa this morning I didn’t eat yet.

A’ISHA (rolling her eyes) Your excused…

GRANDMA Now you just have a seat at the table A’isha. Grandma will get you a plate since your grandpa is too busy being rude.

GRANDPA I said I ain’t eat yet, if my woman would hurry up I wouldn’t even be talking right now.

GRANDMA Paul don’t you start with me you’ll be eating soon, have a nice conversation with your granddaughter.

GRANDPA So how old are you child?

A’ISHA I’m fifteen… soon to be sixteen.

GRANDMA That is right…

GRANDPA 15 huh I remember when I was the age 15, your grandmother, she wanted to play hard to get. But I didn’t want her anyway. I had a variety of girls to pick from because I was that guy.

GRANDMA But you see who he married though, so I must have been that girl.

They all laugh a bit and then stop.

GRANDMA You chillin out today? What about school.

GRANDPA Ain’t chillin at my house oh no ma’am.

A’ISHA I don’t go to school grandma. I haven’t been for a year…

GRANDMA Well that will change very soon.

Grandma sets the grit pot on the table and pulls the other breakfast out of the oven. She grabs cups and sets milk and orange juice on the table. A’isha starts eating and grandpa and grandmother watch her eat their eyes telling her to stop because they didn’t pray.

GRANDMA When your here you follow our family tradition. We pray before we eat A’isha.

A’ISHA

Yaw pray before you eat. I don’t pray at breakfast lunch or dinner.

GRANDMA Well since you are somewhere else now. You will do what I say you do. Is that clear?

A’isha looks away. Grandma’s raises her voice.

GRANDMA Is that clear?

A’ISHA Yes ma’am.

A’isha eats greedily and runs upstairs. She throws on a jacket and runs back downstairs.

A’ISHA I’ll be back later on today.

EXT-OUTSIDE A’ISHA’S HOUSE-MORNING A’isha is standing outside the window leading to the living room. The window is

open and she sees her mom and her mom’s boyfriend sleep lying on the couch.

A’isha pulls out her cell phone and begins calling the house. No one gets up to answer so she leaves a message.

A’ISHA Hey mom… just letting you know that I left… that ummm I’m not going to stay there anymore. Not like you care but I was just letting you know… I need to come get a few things but I’ll be b-a-c

A’isha’s mom gets up and turns the answering machine off and lays back down on the couch. A’isha turns away from the window and stomps hard three times.

She fights back tears as she heads further in her neighborhood.

EXT-ALLEYWAY-DAY A’isha walks into an alley where she finds her boyfriend Rock sitting against a dumpster. He looks up at her as he puts something he just rolled up behind his ear. He gets up to hug her and pushes her back.

ROCK What are you doing out here today? You could’ve called me

if you were looking for me. You’ve been crying Sha-Sha what’s wrong?

A’ISHA Well I wanted to talk to you, personally. I wanted to see you Rock.

Rock pulls the blunt from behind his ear and starts smoking.

A’ISHA I wish you wouldn’t do that around me Rock.

ROCK Just tell me what’s going on. Why don’t we just head up to the house so we could talk.

A’isha fans his smoke away, he smiles at her and she gives him a frustrated look.

A’isha I ain’t stayin there no more rock. I live with my grandma right now, until the situation gets better.

ROCK I told you that if he put his hands on you to let me know right?

He grabs her face and exhales smoke as he talks to her. She jumps a bit.

ROCK What’s going on A’isha why you acting scared of me?

He looks deep into her eyes and at her face while tears build up in her eyes.

ROCK He hit you? We don’t have a relationship enough that you can’t tell me what’s going on. I told you that if you have a problem you tell me. I protect you and I handle your business ok sweetie. I’ll take care of that nigga ain’t gon just be puttin his hands on my girl.

A’isha Well your way of handling business i-s

ROCK (raising his voice) Is what A’isha I take care of you right?

A’isha looks down and wipes a tear from her cheek.

A’ISHA (softens her voice) Look I didn’t come here to argue with you and it seems like we can’t even have a conversation with out doing that.

A’isha begins to walk away and Rock steps back to block his self from looking at her leave.

ROCK You can’t run forever A’isha. You’ll be back sooner or later… and I’ll be here waiting for you. I don’t gotta chase you look like someone already beat me to it.

A’isha runs out of the alley and to the nearest bus shelter around. She sits at the

shelter and holds her head in her hands. She sees a bus coming and digs around in her pockets for change. She has nothing so she walks out of the shelter and down the street she looks at a little girl and boy holding hands and walking close lingering down the street. Then she sees a nice little family get out of a car and head into a restaurant. Her eyes water up again and she pulls out her cell phone and calls her grandma.

A’ISHA I’m heading up to the park to watch the sunset… I need a little personal time. I’ll be home… ok bye.

EXT-CENTRAL PARK-DAY A’isha walks into the park and sits down in the grass under a huge tree she takes a deep breath and begins to start crying hysterically. She gets on her knees and begins to hug her stomach. She pulls out her wallet and takes out a picture cut in half of her and her mom and her father. She takes the one of her father and rips it up and then the one of her and her mother. She throws them down and begins to wipe her face. She pulls out a wrinkled paper with her name on it from her bible.

A’ISHA

A’isha… it means alive and well. I feel neither… I feel burdened… empty, lost without reason.

A’isha sits back against the tree and pulls out a pen from her pocket. She writes down on the inside of her bible it starts with me. A’isha uses her shirt to wipe her face and heads back down to her house.

EXT-HER HOUSE-NIGHT A’isha is standing outside of her the living room window. She faintly hears screaming and smacking. She gets closer to the window and hops up to climb in.

She punches a screen through on her way in. She gets in the living room and notices the screams are coming from her mother’s room by the kitchen and she runs upstairs. She opens the door to her room and finds everything kicked around and trashed. She looks under her mattress to get her journal and she reaches into her drawer to get her money and gold chain. She hears her mom’s boyfriend walking up the steps and he kicks the bathroom door open and slams it closed. A’isha tip toes down the steps and see’s her mother sitting there with a tired grin and blood running down her cheek. A’isha gets on her knees to help her mom up.

JOYCE

Leave me alone.

A’isha keeps reaching to help her up. (yelling) Did you here me dammit? Leave me alone this is your fault.

A’isha steps back to look at her mom.

A’ISHA My fault… could you calm down do you want me to get beat too?

Joyce chuckles to her self and shakes her head back and forth than feels her cheek. She holds her bloody hand up to A’isha.

JOYCE (yelling) For this I could care less.

A’ISHA You don’t mean that…

JOYCE I mean it just as much as I mean you were an accident. I should’ve took abortion seriously in your case.

A’isha picks up the things she put down and walks out of the house. She see’s her grandma waiting in the car across the street and she walks over and gets in.

EXT-PORCH-NIGHT A’isha is laying down in her grandma’s lap on the porch swing while grandma gives her plats. A’isha is reading her bible.

GRANDMA How do you feel?

A’ISHA I can’t feel, I never could.

GRANDMA You can’t continue to let all your emotions build up until you feel empty. Feelings and emotions, those are apart of life. So

how do you feel?

A’ISHA It’s h-u-rts a lot. I can’t bear to think about the things my mother told me. I can’t even imagine me being in a relationship. I have so much of these negative things becoming my motivation to erase myself off this earth.

GRANDMA You can’t yearn for attention from people who aren’t going to give it to you. That’s like betting your soul on the penguins winning.

A’isha and grandma laugh a bit.

So it hurts and it’s going to hurt as long as you let it. Take a break from pain kid.

A’ISHA Thanks grandma, wonderful advice you sound like an author.

GRANDMA A wise author…

Grandma and A’isha laugh again this time a little longer. Grandpa walks to the window on the porch.

GRANDPA Could you shut up out there? I can’t hear wheel of fortune.

GRANDMA Well turn up the volume. A’isha I was thinking about you last night and how much you reminded me of myself and I found this for you.

Grandma reaches on the side of her and pulls out an old wooden jewelry box.

A’isha opens it and gasps. She pulls out a gold bangle with engraved words on it.

GRANDMA It’s basically motivation. It says live, love, life, gold. Back in the day me and my friends had come up with this slogan and

it was almost signature for us and similar to you I had something’s going on with my real father that were horrible for any girl to go through.

A’isha nods her head and continues to listen.

Well I had this boyfriend that was a dealer and he got this made for me on my birthday.

A’ISHA Well thanks a lot grandma.

GRANDMA And one more thing I know you enjoy writing and I know you want to attend college with kids your age and not younger so I signed you up and you’re going to school tomorrow.

A’ISHA Tomorrow?

GRANDMA Yes… the performing arts high school downtown. I’m good friends with the principle, so he said he’ll take you in but you got to work like you want it.

A’ISHA This is even more wonderful gram. Thank you so much I didn’t know when I would be back in school messin around with my mom.

GRANDMA Promise me that you’ll take advantage of the opportunity.

Don’t let anything ruin your chances.

They both hug and go into the house.

INT-KITCHEN-MORNING A’isha runs into the kitchen and grabs an orange. She starts to peel it and stops to pray silently before she eats it. She hugs her grandma and runs out the door for the bus.

INT-SCHOOL OFFICE-MORINING A’isha waits for the secretary to get off the phone looks at a list of teachers names on the counter. She looks down the hallway in the office and sees that the principle is a man. She lets out a little smirk.

SECRETARY Can I help you?

A’isha snaps her attention back to the secretary and puts on a sarcastic voice.

A’ISHA Hi my name is A’isha, and I’m an n-e-w

SECRETARY Last name?

A’isha frowns a little and says it slowly.

A’ISHA Peterson.

The secretary turns around and pulls up a schedule. She prints it out and hands it to A’isha.

SECRETARY Thank you if you have any questions go so your first period teacher.

A’isha walks out of the office and up to her period teacher. A lot of kids whisper they haven’t seen her before as she walks around n the hall way.

INT-CLASSROOM-MORNING A’isha shakes hands with her first block teacher and takes a seat in the back she texts the whole class and then leaves to meet her next teacher.

INT-DEPARTMENT OFFICE-AFTERNOON A’isha knocks on the door the office and hesitantly walks in. Mr. Evan is sitting at the desk in the office spinning in the chair.

Mr. Evan A’isha good to see ya, nice to meet ya I’m Mr. Evan the department coordinator. We’ll be seeing a lot of each other

because we got to get you caught up. We don’t do this for too many people but your grandma is a wonderful person.

We also understand from reading some of you submissions that you have a strong personal past. We feel as though with your passion and feelings we will be able to help you succeed.

A’isha nods her head and leaves the office with Mr. Evan they head into a class room of about seven kids.

INT-CLASSROOM-COUNT. A’isha shakes hands and is introduced to the teacher she pulls A’isha to the side and A’isha focuses in on each student in the class room.

MR.EVAN Class this is our new student A’isha. Make her feel at home, help her out just be of assistance.

A’isha takes a seat next a boy sitting in the front of the classroom.

MRS.ANDREW

Wonderful place to sit A’isha… I’ll just let Mark talk to you since he’s been itching to just say one word.

MARK Thanks Mrs. Andrew. Maybe we should get new students more often.

A’ISHA So what is there to know?

MARK Well first I wanna know something. What made you decide to come to this department?

A’ISHA I got the opportunity, to start over, you know turn a new leaf and this is where I start.

MARK Why would you turn your leaf here? You’re going to end up crashing and burning.

A’ISHA It can’t be that bad Mark.

MARK No it’s not that bad at all it’s just really bad.

A’ISHA Well if it’s so bad leave.

MARK This is where I started, this is where I finish.

A’ISHA On your own will though right, you can change majors.

MARK You have a point there A’isha.

They stare at each other for a little bit and A’isha pulls out her journal. Mark looks at her wrist then at her bracelet.

MARK Cool bracelet. It’s really nice.

A’ISHA Oh thanks my grandma gave it to me.

MARK Wow a grandma who gives something other than socks.

A’ISHA Well I don’t think I ever got socks from my grandma.

MARK Lucky you, I get them every year, every occasion there is no excuse to not have my socks match.

A’isha laughs a bit and Mark stares at her for a minute.

A’ISHA So are you going to tell me the assignment or talk to me?

MARK What if I did both?

A’isha smiles.

A’ISHA As long as I can finish the assignment you can talk to me for as long as you want.

Mark smiles and explains to her some stuff on an assignment sheet. They work together for the rest of the day.

EXT-DOWNTOWN_AFTERNOON A’isha is on the phone with Rock she can’t really hear him but he tells her to meet him at the t-station. A’isha walks down to the t-station and sees rock standing there with a girl she walks up and hugs Rock and tries to give him a kiss but he turns his cheek. She steps back and he looks at her with his head cocked to the side.

ROCK A’isha this is my friend Samara. Samara this is my friend

A’isha.

A’ISHA Girlfriend… I’m his girlfriend.

ROCK Not actually you see my girlfriend is her sister. I’m about to go see her now A’isha. Weren’t you listening to me when I was talking to you on the phone?

A’ISHA I didn’t hear that at all, Rock. Thanks for letting me know.

ROCK You deserve better than me A’isha.

A’isha looks behind her then back at Mark and walks away to another bus station she sees Mark standing there.

MARK Your facial expression doesn’t look too promising. Are you

the type that doesn’t talk to your peers outside of school?

A’isha shakes her head no.

MARK Well if you feel like talking you can talk to me I’m willing to listen anytime. Especially now. What bus are you catching?

A’ISHA I’m catching the 86B

MARK Well it just so happens that I’m catching the same bus.

A’isha releases a quick chuckle then adjusts back to being upset.

MARK I like to hear you laugh. I know it sounds weird but I do and if I may add I like you too.

A’isha moves closer to him and they stare at each other for a minute. He turns

her around to face the street and they both aboard the bus.

INT-BUS-DAY A’isha and Mark are sitting on the bus. A’isha is looking out the window and Mark is hesitantly staring at her. A’isha reaches for her journal and scribbles down a line and puts it away.

MARK So do you wanna talk or are we going to spend this bus ride sitting quiet.

A’ISHA My boy friend broke up with me. Of course I shouldn’t be too worried about it but it’s just extra s-t…

MARK Stress I feel you.

A’isha looks at him and smiles and turns to face him. He grabs her by the hand.

A’ISHA

I feel like I’ve known you longer than I do.

MARK Same here beautiful.

Mark kisses her hand and A’isha laughs.

MARK What? Your boyfriend never did that for you?

A’isha shakes her head no.

Look if you haven’t caught my drift… I want to get to know you. I want to evolve our friendship into something that the world can’t break and my heart is telling me that if we try this out and work it out slowly we can make it happen.

A’isha looks down then back at Mark and smiles.

A’ISHA I’m down with that Mark. But since you’re a new friend I made today

I want to invite you over for dinner. Seems as though you wouldn’t mind.

MARK Already I made that big of an impression on you.

A’ISHA I feel like I know you won’t hurt me.

MARK That’s good because I won’t.

A’isha and Mark get off the bus and walk up to the porch of her grandmothers house. A’isha rings the doorbell and they walk in.

INT-HOUSE-DAY Grandma is sitting in the kitchen watching Opera she puts the remote down to look at Mark.

GRANDMA Hi Mark how are you this afternoon?

MARK I’m good Mrs. Lou

A’isha gasps and looks at Mark and back at her grandma.

A’ISHA You know each other?

MARK Yeah your grandma makes sure I get to church every Sunday.

Grandma nods her head.

GRANDMA And this is my granddaughter. Are you staying over for a snack Mark?

MARK That is my intention.

GRANDMA Sounds great. Well you two go on outside enjoy the weather.

Do some homework and I’ll whip something up real fast.

A’isha and Mark laugh a bit put their things on the ground and head outside.

EXT-PORCH SWING-DAY A’isha and Mark are sitting on the porch swing looking opposite ways. Mark grabs A’isha by the hand and looks deep into her eyes.

MARK I should’ve known you both were related. Your grandma kept me from ruining my life. She told me that I had to live like I wanted to and slowly but surely things would come into play and I think you are one of them.

A’ISHA Well she’s helping me out now too. I’ll be here for a long time I’m realizing. I’m in one of those situations where my mom doesn’t want me she never did want me and neither did my

father.

MARK Don’t sweat it. You know what don’t think about it. Other people do, think about the fun things the life we can make so much better.

Mark pulls out a bible from his back pocket.

This is my sanity, this is my motivation, it’s gold.

GRNADMA Dinner is ready.

Grandma brings out a plate and sets it on the swing and walks back out.

MARK Hand me your bracelet.

A’isha takes it off and hands it to him.

From now on we’re going to promise each other that we’d do this.

A’isha nods her head.

A’ISHA Live and Love Life I promise but gold?

MARK Gold is the word that we promise to live by.

Mark hold up his pocket bible next to him.

A’ISHA I promise.

Fiction -“It is imagery and

sensory detail that puts fiction in its place. But that character life that creates the story line is what makes fiction realistic.”

Freedom A wind slightly pushed into the window seal creating a quiet whistle. A continued light blank on and off, lighting the opposite wall from the window. Ryan could hear his mom leaving her room sobbing; her footsteps light as she trailed

down the steps into the kitchen. Her boyfriend left the same room slightly after slamming first the bedroom door and then the front door. Ryan looked over a lit up face of a clock, the red lights blank 7:30. Ryan sat up in his bed and placed his hands on his knees, wiping his forehead from a small sweat. He turned on a light next to his bed and got up to close the cracked window. He pulled back his covers and shuffled downstairs into the kitchen.

His mother sat there in the middle of the kitchen , disheveled hair, long face, and smoking a cigarette. Ryan watched the smoke from her mouth disperse into the ceiling fan. She could barely move without shaking.

“Your awake… Ryan?” His mother stuttered out, smoke seeping from her mouth. Ryan rolled his eyes. “ No sleep walking mom,” Ryan stopped to look at her again. “You let it happen again mom? You let him do that to you again?” Ryan asked as he moved slightly towards his mother. She never looked up. Her salt and peppered hair glowed under the beige kitchen light and the grease from the kitchen mixed with her cigarette smoke.

“Ryan,” she paused as she shakily took another hit, “That’s my business, he beats me… and… it’s ok he’ll come back.” She shook her head in agreement.

“He’ll come back to me…he just got a lil angry…he’ll be back” She nicked the ashes off onto the table.

“You want someone like that back? You want someone to beat on you for no reason ma? You want to live like this? Do you really…” Ryan stopped to see she wasn’t listening, she was still mumbling he’ll be back. “You know what forget it. Forget I even asked what happened. I don’t want to live this pitiful life with you.

If I wanted to watch a woman get slapped around and drag themselves into a hole, Id go into an alley and have double that entertainment.” Ryan stepped back to look at his mother one more time. She looked up into his eyes, her eyes red and beady, her hands trembling and ashy, her face full of dry tear marks, and her skin red. She placed the cigarette down and nervously played with her hands and hair.

“You…, just go on and get ready for school… and…and he’ll be here before you get back.” Ryan gasped at her and became frustrated.

“Your chasing the wrong thing ma. One day I’ll be outta here, I’ll be so far gone and you probably won’t know where I went. But I’m not going to be here trying to accept some boyfriend of yours as my step dad. I don’t want to watch some man treat you like you don’t matter because sometimes you matter to me.”

Ryan stomped away. His eyes were glassy from tears he didn’t want to cry. His mother put her head back down; Rodger watched a tear fall into her lap as he walked up the steps.

Ryan was sitting in his first class waiting for the bell to ring. He listened as the girl next to him was trying to tell her friend he had on the same shirt on yesterday.

“And so what if I did?” Ryan outburst. His leg shook fiercely, as the girl looked at him and rolled her eyes. Ryan took out a pencil and began uneasily tapping on his desk. He helplessly watched the second hand tic to twelve. The bell rang and the teacher began to pass out graded tests. Ryan was first to

receive his.

“I’m disappointed in you Ryan… I wasn’t expecting this low of a grade from anybody. But you succeeded in letting yourself have the lowest grade in the class as of now. You’re the perfect example of a student who just doesn’t try.”

Ryan listened as the class burst out with laughter as they began to ridicule him and thank God it wasn’t them. He looked back at them, and balled up the test. He threw his books into his bag and threw the test at the chalkboard.

“Do you have to embarrass me? You don’t know how I feel? You probably wouldn’t care.” Ryan yelled. He didn’t expect an answer. He picked up his book bag and began to leave the room.

“You can’t just run away from everything loser.” The girl who sat next to him bellowed and the class continued to make run away jokes. Ryan left the room.

“Ryan you leave this room and I’ll write you up.” His teacher yelled.

“Who cares? Add to the pile, I don’t care.” Ryan mumbled. This time the tears were heating his face. “If life could end any faster God, I would be

satisfied.” He walked unsteadily towards the school emergency exit door and left the school.

Ryan walked to a park a few minutes away from the back of the school.

He emptied his book bag on the wet park bench and on top of the pile was a distorted crumbled cigarette. He snatched the cigarette, threw it on the ground and stomped it continuously.

“I hate it, I hate this life, I hate it, I…” His anger suddenly weakening his strength to yell. His tears began to blend in with wet grass blades and his hands were trembling. “When will it end? God why do you do this to me?” He gave the cigarette one more stomp and his foot slipped, he fell down on the grass and slid.

“Dammit isn’t this just my luck, a skid mark? What’s next rain? More rain?” He stood up and looked at the brown green skid mark on the back of his light blue jeans, the bottom of his shirt muddy and wet. He walked back to bench and began picking up his books one by one. He looked up and opposite the park was a couple taking a car seat out of their back seat.

“Can’t you just hold on one minute, Mark? At least help me get her out.”

The man looked at her blankly for a minute. The woman had the car seat and the man was getting back into the front seat of the car.

“Look, I can’t be there for you Mini. I love you and all but I didn’t sign up to be a family. I mean look at it this way you can always find a better man.” The woman looked up as he spoke, Ryan watched everything in her possession weaken her posture. Her voice suddenly became weary and hard to hear.

“Why you gone leave me like that Mark? You see how beautiful she is?

What am I to you Mark what am I…” The man in the car looked back at the woman and the child and then pulled off. Ryan threw his books into his bag and ran over to the woman.

“Ummm…Ma’am look just let me help you out. I seen that… “ Ryan extended his arms. She snatched everything as close back to her as she could.

“Leave me alone, leave me alone…that shitty little mark on your pants… what you think you up to?” She stepped out of the street and on to the sidewalk dropping several of her possessions. Ryan listened to her begin to cry. He picked

up some of the things that fell and made a second attempt to take some things off her arms.

“You seen… huh? You had seen what happened?” Ryan slowly nodded yes. She began handing him more things to hold. Her baby began to cry and it started to drizzle. “Hold on baby. Mommy’s got you safe, mommy has you here honey hold on” She finally unlocked the door. Ryan waited until she motioned for him to come inside. He looked at the disheveled house.

“This ain’t your typical home honey so there ain’t much to see.” She took her baby out of the car seat, kissed her forehead and placed her in a beautiful white and pink bassinette. “I guess it wouldn’t be careful to offer you anything here either… So what are you doin around that park anyway look like you should still be in school.” Ryan looked at his book bag and back at her.

“I should but… right now I don’t know if I want to be there. I mean I’m trying, I just have a lot of personal things going on.”

“Personal shouldn’t stop you from have to’s.” Ryan was confused. “Look, you can’t miss this opportunity ummm…” She motioned for his name. “Ryan you

can go to school and gain free education. I know you hear a lot but if I would have went to college and did what I had to I wouldn’t be here like this.”

“I’m not in your situation. I do what I have to. I have no support.” He threw his hands down on his lap.

“And sometimes you can’t look for someone else’s support. Your motivation is inside you. I hate to sound like I’m preaching to you but you need you more than you need someone else. As you can see I learned the hard way unfortunately I learned the hard way.” Ryan shook his head and fidgeted with his hands.

“I want to do what I can you know? Wait that sounds stupid… it just seems like when I try someone doesn’t want me to succeed. Someone doesn’t want me to survive in this world and my first instinct would be to blame the man who put me here.”

“Your father?” Ryan chuckled and shook his head no “God…” “Oh well that’s not a good person to blame, he only helps from what I

remember.” Ryan looked up at her cream ceiling. The light flickering off and on from something melting on the light bulb.

“What’s your name anyway?” She chuckled a bit and went over to her daughters bassinette.

“Freedom… My name’s freedom.” Ryan stood up and put his book bag of his shoulders. “You see I spent my life fighting for something I always had, and it’s moments like these that I remember that.”

“Thank you for the motivation Freedom. I hope well for you and your daughter.”

“Stay up and remember it’s all in your mind. You don’t need motivation from someone else it’s all in your heart.”

Ryan nodded his head in

agreement with her and began to walk out the door. Freedom picked up a paper that fell from Ryan’s book bag and she read the few lines on there. “He Ryan looks like you have all the motivation you need put it to work.” She waved the paper when he turned around.

“Oh these are just a few rhymes, not raps I don’t want to be a typical black

rapper.” Ryan takes the paper and folds it away.

“Well whatever you do, don’t throw it away, from what I read it’s beautiful.”

Ryan began to walk away again. “Come by and visit when you want to skip school again. I’m not encouraging that but I enjoy young positive company.”

“Bye Freedom.”

Ryan put his hands deep into his pockets and walked over to the bench closer to his school. He pulled out a piece of paper and began to write rhymes.

“Head over heels for the books, I need em’. Ditch me in school I met this girl named freedom. Her eyes reminded me of the night I spent fighting with my moms boyfriend.” He scribbled down more words and continued to say lines out loud. “When will they see my heart is aching, her heart is breaking, and motivation is striving within.” He folded up the paper and shoved in his back pocket. He checked his watch and began walking back to his school. The streets were desolate. Houses graffitied and boarded up, eviction notices sprawled on front steps. Ryan shook his head. His attention was caught by a cardboard sign

in a mud stained window that read: Writers wanted… Your mind, Your Heart, Your All required. Ryan wrote down the number and continued his walk back to school.

He was getting closer and closer and noticed a large number of students leaving. School was out. But on the plaque in front of the school read: Need Help? Claim a Tutor! Today After school in the gym. Ryan pushed through the kids coming out and went down into the gym. He walked into the gym and noticed a table set up to the left of the door. A woman stood up to approach him.

“Hi are you here for tutoring?” Ryan stood there and looked into her pale face.

“No just paying a visit to the gym I see every week.” She laughed quietly and smiled.

“Sense of humor…I’ve got the best person for you.” She motioned for Ryan to come over to the table. “I need you to sign here, and your tutor will be located in the lunch room at the first table.

“Thank you.” Ryan took the paper he signed and strolled into the

lunchroom. At the first table a young man sat at the table with a laptop to the right of him. Ryan laid the paper down in front of him.

“My names Rodger and I’ll be tutoring you for as long as you need and as long as I possibly can.” Ryan laughed.

“What is this boot camp? How do you have time to do this?”

“Look if you don’t want to take this opportunity seriously, you can request to waste someone else’s time. “ Ryan stopped laughing and sat down in front of him. “So Ryan I’m not signing this contract for nothing right?”

‘Look yo, I don’t need a tutor. I need someone who can help me with everything. No I’m not going to get emotional on you but I just have a lot of issues that get in the way of my ability to learn sometimes. You willing to help me with all that?” Ryan looked at him.

“Brotha that ain’t nothin’. I can help you that’s what I’m here for. So I guess you need this more than I do?”

“What you doin it for?”

“Money isn’t involved, I know that’s what you thought I just want to use my

extra time effectively. This type of stuff looks good on my resume and I was looking forward to meet a young guy like me.”

“I’m not like you though…”

“Trust me after this, you will be, and that’s not a bad thing Rodger.” Ryan shook hands with Rodger and Ryan began to pull out the books he shoved in his bag. Rodger began to pick them up one buy one.” “Now look I’m goin to say each title of these books out loud, you say the first thing that comes to mind.

Geometry” “I hate that class.” Rodger hurried and typed his response.

“English Literature 3” “I wish there was something in there I enjoyed reading…”

“US History.”

“That’s a fun class, most of the stuff I know” “Poetry outside of the classroom? You enjoy poetry man, you know that’s what I major in.” Ryan’s eyebrows raised and he looked Rodger in the eyes. “ Poetry is my way of being me. It completes me. I love poetry.”

“Me too man. Poetry is my life.”

“You think you could help me put a few things together, I gotta couple unfinished poems. “ “I can help you bro.” Ryan pulled out his poems and handed them over to Rodger. Rodger began to smile.

“A boy with neat hand writing?” They exchanged laughs. “Hey ain’t nothing wrong with that.” Rodger keeps reading. “This is good stuff bro, my kinda stuff, raw, rhyming, and refreshing. But let me ask you… did you really meet a girl named freedom?”

“Yeah why? You was the dude who left her?” Rodger’s face scrunched up.

“No I was going to say that’s ironic. I mean you write about being held up for so long and you meet freedom. Good stuff bro” “You got something that you wrote for me to read?”

“How about I take you to see me live tonight? Wait you have to ask your parents?”

“Look lets just leave that subject for tutoring tomorrow, but I’d enjoy live

poetry tonight my soul needs it more than I do.”

“Pure poetic soul need everything bro.”

I Promise Color is Life Chapter 1 Slowly rubbing the goose bumps from my arm I felt the car come to a complete stop. It was unusual because for the last half hour the car had pretty

much been moving and I didn’t feel comfortable viewing my surroundings at a restless pace. Home was becoming more and more faint to remember.

“Now who wants to clean those dishes I can ‘t do everything around here.”

Momma Rae would start. I would wonder why she couldn’t do much, wonder why I would volunteer myself every single time to wash those dishes. I guess I liked it though the clanking of all the silverware, watching the food stains rinse from old silver rusted pans, and the serenity of being alone every once and a while. My legs sat sticky on the grey leather seats and in my right arm, lines had been indented from the door. Before arriving at another light I repeatedly watched my face appear and reappear in reflections from the dark faces of tall buildings and those buildings becoming less and less apparent. I was bored stiff but at this red light and on my right side; I insistently was staring at a young female who looked as though she was not too much older than me or maybe she was. Her clothes were loose and saggy, her eyes completely solemn and gray, and her posture that of a worn out mother. When I felt her look back at me, I looked away expecting the car to move but when I attended to the light it remained red. I decided to look back, something about her was familiar, but this time she was sitting on a park bench, a defaced gray park bench, and relentlessly I wanted to know her. I wanted to grab her hands and figure out everything about her. I watched her as the car jerked forward and she watched me, her hands tracing her dirty dark hair, and my hand tracing my stubby arm hairs. She lit a cigarette

the last time I looked and I could faintly see the orange glow in my peripheral.

Beside me, my hands trailed my book bag to awaken the sleepiness of my arms.

I remembered how I stayed awake for so long when I felt the air from the cracked window parting my hair and I smelled the strong cologne of the jitney driver.

In the car the radio sounds began to be more translucent and my mind was fishing around an array of personas. Her face was too familiar or I was experiencing another instance of déjà vu. The car was slowing the way the orphanage van would when we’d be coming back home from the grocery store.

The pit in my stomach dropped and out the left window I noticed a large grass land. Desolate dull blades of glass the spanned clear across a block of the neighborhood. Reminded me very much of the weeds that year long surrounded the sides of the home. Minutes later I was stopped in front of this house with an amazing green façade reflecting in the dissipating sunlight. It seemed almost contradictory that this beautiful home was across the street from the damaged bit of land. The sun seemed to take a special liking to the four pastel green pillars that seemed to billow in front of the house. Interrupting my gaze the jitney driver shoved a few words at me and all I could hear is the amount of money I owed him and I gave it to him while I stepped out with my book bag clutched. We seemed to get out of the car together because I heard the doors shut in unison.

The air outside wasn’t so refreshing being where everything was placed I was expecting a breeze. The driver began to unload my bags on to the curb and I was

still amazed at the façade of this home, I couldn’t function to say thank you. I heard the door close and the car pull off and I was left blinking in that sun. My first charge being how was I getting my bags up those porch steps. I was trying to piece together why I was here, what brought me here, and for some reason I couldn’t remember.

Chapter 2 One at a time I began to drag my two suitcases up the steps, repeatedly seeing the gray crack in one of the five lime green steps. The crack stood out, it seemed misplaced to me, for a house whose front seemed to sit so well kept. For some reason I was afraid to ring the doorbell. I swung my book bag over my shoulder and took a deep breath. A golden light seemed to glimmer behind a hollow green case; my finger became somewhat attracted to the view. I remembered my mom telling me that a doorbell should only be rang once, so I pressed it once and waited. The ring resonated through the home; it was a very hearty doorbell sound. To the big wooden green door, came a younger man, chuckling, his cheeks pink, I assumed from a long laugh. He looked like a young man who played some form of professional golf and I would assume from all the green he whore, he had to be the homes owner. He pulled one hand out of his pockets and motioned for a butler to come and obtain all of my baggage; I

motioned him to my luggage as well but I held my book bag there on my shoulder. I clutched it tighter to suggest to the butler that this wasn’t even questionable to take. He uneasily smiled at me and I watched it fall quickly. The younger man had extended his hand, and immediately I extended my opposite.

“Hello sir…” His eyes met my eyes and speech was exceeding my memory.

“How do you do ma’am? My name is Cardin.” Cardin the name rang no bells. I was ready to delve into the history of that but I instead I conjured up politeness and remembered to share my name.

“Nice too meet you Cardin, my name is…”

“Aurelia.” And to my surprise he already knew. It felt awkward to have my name snatched from my mouth so insensitively. I looked the doorway up and down and tried to peer into the house and I was still in great disbelief. There I was placed in the position to smile and only confirm his accusation.

“Yes Aurelia.”

“Well don’t just stand there come on in, let me get you situated.” His idea to be warm and welcome started to become too cliché, too noticeable and I already wasn’t feeling safe. I was frustrated about just being here for some reason I wanted to know something was wrong. I stumbled into the door way and kind of stopped in the middle of his corridor. The home smelled of new wood and cranberries. The butler who had grabbed my luggage came down the steps and

a maid was trailing from the kitchen. While watching them come I quickly inhaled the corridor scenery. The steps seemed to swirl down from a second floor balcony looking hallway and on the right side of the corridor was a doorless room that I couldn’t quite look into. At the very end of the corridor seemed to be a kitchen and in front of that door way stood the three of them. I was missing my home. Missing those children whom I so wanted at some point in time to call family. Missing the dark beige dirty walls, creaky wooden floor, and grease filled air. But I was here now probably expecting more than I could bargain for probably asking too much of this young man.

“I would start off by saying I wasn’t expecting you today, wasn’t expecting you ever to show, I would say later I may ask you what exactly made you come, were you getting my letters, and maybe it is all too much to ask.”

“No…I…” I was caught off guard. More than anything I knew I wouldn’t have answers to those questions. Spur of the moment I left and spur of the moment I’m here. “ Well let me waste no time in welcome. This here is Phillip he takes care of our servant type needs and this Maria who supplies the majority of our hospitality needs.” I was astonished. A white male butler accompanied by a Mexican female maid. I watched Maria twitch her hands on her apron and I felt restless. Phillips eyes traced me like a cat watching his mouse run a wall. They both looked old. Maria’s hair was pulled back into a lose bun and her face

seemed to tighten around her eyes. She had a faint mustache and her eyebrows seemed to connect but not so much. Her eyes were a light brown and she seemed like she was fake smiling. Phillips head seemed to be disproportioned to his body. He was a skinny wrinkled man, with a partially saggy face. His hands were also abnormally big and his eyes were gray. He was bald in the middle and that baldness was slightly covered by a well-done come over. His hair was just reaching gray and I was wondering why he was bald already.

“Nice too meet the both of you.” I lied but it only seemed polite. Both of them trailed away noiselessly with no response and I was left staring away from Cardin, trying to be engaged in the structure of the corridor, but there was nothing but green. Personally I felt as though green couldn’t have been presented anymore sickening. I felt Cardin wanting to say something, trying to catch my attention but immediately I was already playing hard to get. I was catching glimpses of Cardin while I scanned everything surrounding. Cardin wasn’t naturally attractive; he was physically clean-shaven though. His clothes seemed to compliment nothing about him they just appeared to be nice. But his voice bellowed when he spoke, so much so that I was at times startled by it.

“Aurelia.” My name rolling off his mouth as if it were some hot steam.

“I was just admiring the collage of green this house portrays.” It was unusual, I felt like I was creating some type of lie.

“Yes the green,” he chuckled, “It was a family favorite, signifying the

overall naturalness of a home.”

“Nice I guess, you still have family living here?”

“No technically I never had a family but both of my parents died.” I didn’t know what to say. Cardin said it with no emotion. He stood there his hands shoved deep into his pockets. His back arched back slightly he showed no deep emotion. I didn’t know what to think about that but I was assured that if he meant he was an orphan once we would have something in common. Clutching closer to the bag I had clinging over my left shoulder. I watched Cardin kind of slink into a smile and immediately I was so uneasy. We were engaging in this awkward conversation and we were pretty much gawking at each other as time continued to go.

“So would you happen to know why am I here?” I felt like there I set myself into alienation, and I stood there with all hesitation rising in my face. That for some reason I already knew why I was here and internally I wasn’t accepting it or I was forgetting. I decided to accept forgetting.

“Aurelia, what a silly question,” right the silly question, insisting that yes indeed I should already know. “You’ve come because you’ve been receiving my letters, and have finally decided that you’re ready to discover your past.”

“My past is here in this home?”

“Believe it or not.” Cardin seemed sly. I felt like I was in the wrong place, nothing about this was familiar, this conversation was uncomfortable, and I was

too tired to continue to speak.

“I wish to believe, but...you live here alone?”

“Yes I do. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“It isn’t.”

“Why did you come? What finally made you show up with no warning, no response? Are you aware of that answer?” And again at a loss for words I simply nodded away this time I wasn’t smiling. I was left staring at Cardin mustering up so much confusion. He stood there smirking his hands still in his pockets and I was furiously gripping my book bag strap. This didn’t at all help my patience but Cardin seemed to enjoy all the tension. He reached for my hand and I was too confused to think. We trailed up the rounded steps into a hallway where the floors began to resemble the color and texture of new grass. The walls were pale nude and all the bedroom doors were closed. The hall way was dark and a breeze seemed to be rushing toward my forehead, I was searching frantically for the vent. He pushed open a slightly cracked door and the room inside was beautiful.

Chapter 3 I quickly let go of Cardin’s hand that I was unconsciously holding; my hand was moist in the palm. The room resembled nothing green it was all variations of royal gold. Pure gold, situated in the center of the room

was a huge bed, draping from the top of the bed was satin gold canopy that rested on the top of four solid gold pillars. To the left and the right of the bed were sit in windows, with plush gold cushions and sheer light gold panels. The carpet was tinted a light gold and the walls seemed to mirror the same color. Across the ceiling were gold chains affixed to a light fixture that dangled slightly in front the bed and to the front of the room was a gold painted wooden chest of drawers with a large gold trimmed oval mirror. And there I was in the middle of it completely overwhelmed, and I placed my book bag at the foot of the bed.

“Beautiful.” I was able to muster out. Realizing that Cardin was still awaiting an answer to his question.

“Always, this room tends to have that affect on people.” He stared into my eyes and faintly I could see a smile coming to his face. I think secretly he wanted to hug me because for some reason I wanted to hug him.

“What?” I asked in response to his intense stare.

“Oh, I was just ummm…. You look restless, your face a little dirty. I was noticing a little smudge above your nose, that kind of takes away from your beauty. But don’t get me wrong you’re still beautiful” “Still beautiful? Wow…” I stared back at his frail skinny body; our disconnections fell at our faces and I was even more disconnected by the space between us. I didn’t know him, I didn’t know who we would be destined to be and

hugging him would only be awkward. Not to mention he was impatiently rude. All my excitement about this room dwindled down and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be here. “Aurelia, if you have no further concerns I will leave you to explore, I see you needed no introduction to where you will be resigning.” I shook my head no, no longer able to answer. “Well if you were to need anything, I am down the corridor to the right and if you were to feel burdened bothering me, Phillip and Maria should be coming around periodically.” I didn’t answer and he winked as he walked away, I couldn’t here him progressing through the hall. I stood there for a few minutes collecting thoughts anticipating how long it would take for him to walk away and I closed the door. To the very right of my bed was a closet and in front of that closet sat my luggage. I didn’t quite remember Phillip bringing up my luggage but it wasn’t like he had it packed away it drawers. I pushed my suitcases aside to peer into the closet and inside were a few pieces of clothing.

At the far end of the closet was a ball gown, beautiful gold ball gown, that almost seemed to be dated, and beside it was a sweater, a long sweater with a large vneck scoop, the buttons slightly loose. My eyes went back to trace the ball gown.

I could imagine wearing it on an important day, my accomplice with a suit that matched. I could imagine my hair in a bun, my earrings being diamond studs, and two gold bangles on each arm. I tried to imagine dancing; my ruffled silk tracing the floor in semi circles the wind from spinning brushing lightly at my ears.

The thought alone seemed vigorous but I was tired. I pushed at the ruffles in the

dress sleeve and they made an irritating crinkle. I was too preoccupied by Cardin’s question and more preoccupied because I wasn’t able to answer the question. All I could say is that I had these letters and this house was the house of the addressee.

“Eh um sorry to bother, but I brought you a snack, figured you’d be hungry, from the trip.” I stumbled from out of the closet knocking my head on the door. I was startled by innocent old Maria. Her eyes staring intently at my book bag, I could figure her being sort of an issue around this house. I felt that way with a lot of women in my life, I could probably blame that on my mother. Finally in front of Maria, I watched her eyeing down my book bag. Her hair pulled back tightly into a pony tail, her eyes very almond shape, her nude colored panty hose, and white Ked tennis shoes. She looked like someone who only spoke very little English and who has never known anything but hospitality, I couldn’t see her personality, no originality.

“Oh thank you Maria,” I uneasily grabbed the plate watching the sandwich shake making sure I stood directly in front of my book bag. She portrayed the same still face, cliché and all.

“Cardin figured that you would like grilled cheese and bacon, it’s one of his favorite things.” I was annoyed, that either it was completely evident I loved grilled cheese and bacon or Cardin was completely similar to me. I was even more annoyed because Maria was continuing on with a conversation I wasn’t

ready for. “Maria do I look like a grilled cheese eater?” I know that was a random question but I had to make it seem as though I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was becoming impulsively willing to make random conversation but I really wasn’t expecting an answer.

“Surely Aurelia, any child is a grilled cheese eater.” And Maria walked away not closing the door behind her. I shook my head at her and hesitantly took a bite of the sandwich, it was delicious. It had two pieces of cheese, and the bacon was just the right crunchy, it’s juice solidifying every bite of grilled bread.

For a moment I was sure that I was in heaven and was brought back to reality when I didn’t see or feel the light, plus it was just a sandwich. Just a sandwich I thought again as I lay back on the gold satin cover of the bed knocking the throw pillows on the floor placing the heavy empty plate beside me. Staring at the ceiling I realized I wanted to know Cardin, who he was, and why he was sending me the letters that I had and for some reason I began to remember the female sitting on the bench. She reminded me a little of me, not physically but she wasn’t the type of woman that would be everyone’s attraction. She fazed me as being very content, subtle and lonely. I imagined being lonely and realized that I wasn’t imagining being lonely was something I remembered. I remembered when I arrived at the orphanage, receiving this cliché kind of family welcome that only made me uncomfortable. Upon entering that home my securities were demolished and I felt like I was starting a clean slate. I began to remember

walking into the bedroom I shared with five other people and immediately I jumped up from the bed at the sight of Phillip creeping through the hallway.

“Do you guys lurk everywhere all the time, Maria was just in here?” I didn’t want to show leniency with Phillip, his partially baldhead, and his saggy old face all left me uncomfortable. He was a pitiful looking man. His blazer seemed to be wrinkled at the very bottom and as he stood there he restlessly was tugging at it.

He had very long eyelashes and a large forehead. His beard was black and his hair was gray. His teeth weren’t very friendly and neither was he being that he didn’t smile. His pants were long at the ends they seemed to wrap around the back bottom of worn out creased black dress shoes.

“Excuse me, Miss Rulin, my intent was not to startle, just seeing if there was anything you would need at the time, as it is my job to do.”

“Yeah…” I had to think for a second. “You seem old enough to know, whose stuff is that in the closet?” Phillip turned upright and straightened his blazer he stared at the closet as though he could see through the door. I sensed him being uncomfortable and that was exactly what I was aiming for, but something told me he had a vendetta on me too.

“It would be fitting to say that it isn’t yours…” and he kind of chuckled like he definitely got me “but indeed it is now, it belonged to the previous occupant of this room and was meant to be the inheritance of the next occupant.” At the sound of that I grew uncomfortable and Phillip grew a smirk upon his face. “Now

being a faithful participant in being on time, I do not have time to spare. It would be fitting that either now you articulate your needs or concerns, or I will be forced to leave and any further questions you will have to entertain Cardin with.”

“Thanks Phillip, you’re dismissed.” I was disgusted, more in the fact that this room wasn’t just mine, and less in the fact that Phillip was an old polite bag. I couldn’t detect if he meant any harm and maybe he didn’t. Distressed I decided I would go and bother Cardin but with some thought out intent. Slowly I paced towards the mirror to discover my sweaty face, I needed to freshen up. Or at least that’s what Cardin thought. I went back to the suitcases sprawled on the floor and began to pull out some of my clothes, and for some reason I believed that I wasn’t fit to be here. My ragged clothing, and incomprehensive style leant me no welcome in this lavish home.

Moments later I was done unpacking and to the left of my bed I noticed another door. On the other side of that door appeared a materialized bathroom.

All its assets accented in gold, and the tub, sink, and toilet purple marble. I felt royal, but I knew my life was no princess story. Opposite the sink sat washcloths and a huge plush white towel with a gold “A” sown into the corner. Helplessly my hands traced the sink, the fixtures, it all sent chills fluttering through my veins and I felt all the more welcomed. I began to remove my clothing. My skin welted from lack of care. I let lose my hair and stood concentrated in the mirror, my face was dirty, hair splotchy, hands wrinkled, and I could only think about my mother. Not

like I remembered her, but I just thought about her. Who she could’ve been, what kind of life she lived, and why she lived it without me. Quickly I held my breath and rinsed my face with luke warm water. It felt refreshing and I probably dried my face with one of the hand towels. I sat at the edge of the tub; my skin chilled from the marbled edge. In my mind I was remembering the place I left, the place that I ungratefully deemed home. The water immediately came out hot and to one corner sat a bunch of body washes and bubble baths. I let the water fill half way in the tub and then sprinkled a container that read bath bubbles in fancy scarlet letters. I swirled the sprinkles roughly amongst the water, that seemed to diminish slightly in temperature, but the bubbles began to spring up. I submerged in the water, and let out an unexpected gasp but I felt comfortable. With the strong steams and light scents rising slowly to my face, I leaned back in the tub and placed my feet by the drain under the dripping faucet. The bubbles smelled sweet, their gritty surfaces exploding on my arms, the hot water gliding off my skin. Above my head sat two rags, why I would need two was beside me but I reached up for one and a strawberry body wash that seemed to match the bubble bath. I began to lather the rag when I noticed a portrait that sat opposite the sink. I saw a beautiful woman a man and a child. The family reminded me of one of those families on a picture commercial or that would be featured on a pamphlet but I was sure it was some antique artwork. I felt the water’s warmth all over and I began to gently wash my body. The smells were soothing and tiring,

and I wanted to sleep. When I finished I pulled the plug out of the drain with my toes and watched the water collect in the drain slowly. I pulled the bigger towel off of the towel rack and dried my body, and I immediately walked back into my room. The cool breeze from the windows rushing to my arms and legs. I opened the top drawer where I had placed my underwear and to my surprise a shelf fell out on top. For a moment I was in pure disbelief that the shelf was even there, because I was sure that if this shelf existed that I would have seen it when I put my underwear away. In that shelf lay a diary, probably a dated diary and there I felt like the pit of my stomach dropped. I fingered wiped dust from the cover, revealing fragile leather and a ripped corner. I wrapped myself in my towel, unconsciously sat at the end of my bed and opened to the first page, scratched in cursive hand writing it read

Orelia Noya Rulin a name to remember a life to forget.

Chapter 4 Ok I was afraid to continue to read on, but I was for certain that Rulin’s did not exist and here was an old written one. Phillip had called me Miss Rulin but how in the world did he know my last name; I was never once referred to by my last name didn’t even mention it. But I was sure that if they found me and brought me here then they would probably know more that I thought. I rushed on lotion, and got dressed throwing on mix matched underwear and a yellow

sundress that I haven’t wore in years. I put lotion on my face and completely pulled my hair up into a bun. I took my book bag and pushed it as far back in the closet as I could. Far enough until I could hear the wrinkling of the dress sleaves.

I didn’t take any precaution to putting anything on my feet and when I walked in the hallway I could feel the stiffness of the green carpet. I ran back into my room forgetting to put the diary back into its hidden drawer, I closed the door behind me. On the carpet I crept toward his bedroom pressing my ear to the door. I could here Cardin humming the tune to a song I faintly remembered. I tried to creep into his bedroom and kind of sneakily stumbled in. His room set up was breath taking and I stood there watching everything connect. All his greens, his large bed, the soft grass colored carpet, the pale walls and suddenly I watched Cardin become startled.

“I’m sorry to startle you Cardin…” and I chuckled because he seemed to have paused in some type of dance move, his lips puckered as though he was whistling. Cardin stood to look back at me even more startled by my appearance and I was intrigued by his smile.

“Aurelia you look beautiful. It’s not like you haven’t already but that yellow compliments your skin tone. You also look more relaxed… an ummm radiant richness you appear to be in now.”

“Thank you,” I stumbled out and I was staring into the floor. I wanted to figure out Cardin’s age because it was kind of awkward me, living in a home with a grown

man. We kind of stood there pressing attention to things that had no meaning until I was bold enough to break the silence. “How old are you?”

“These questions young lady, appear to be irrelevant to me, but since you must know I am eighteen.” Then my comfort level was brought down a little we were the same age. I was squirming with the button on my dress. I felt embarrassed about the whole situation. Cardin put his song on pause and motioned for me to sit on the edge of his bed with him. His bed was a stretch to get on, and it pretty much humored him. His bed seemed very tall, probably two king size beds stacked together. He finally helped me up and for the moment that he looked into my eyes, the world felt like it stopped.

“So where did you get the name…Cardin from?”

“A woman of many questions. Well actually my name is Joseph Cardin Lee Jr.” And in all excitement I bust into laughter. Why someone would prefer Cardin instead of Joseph was definitely beside me. “And you’re probably laughing because you are wondering why in the world would I refer to myself as Cardin and not Joseph.” I simply nodded unable to contain my laughter. “Well two reasons, in school everyone was named Joseph and for the sake of being unique I didn’t want to be called Joseph, and…”

“And secondly because?”

“And secondly because my father, well he would always call me Cardin.

He would always say Cardin you will one day meet your Josephine.

“Josephine doesn’t sound like Aurelia…,” and I paused because for a moment I wanted to flirt.

“No…no…like Joseph and Josephine, it’s a joke, Josephine is like the feminine form of Joseph.”

“I know that but I…” and I kind of stopped and laughed at the situation.

Cardin smiled at me and I wondered if his stepfather was another Rulin. Cardin got back up and I completely stopped to watch him. His green Mr. Rodgers sweater, his perfectly creased khaki pants, his green and white polo, and his big green slide on slippers. He was putting back on his song.

“What is this song?”

“What is this song? Moments in love, by art of noise, one of the most soothing instrumental, computer generated beats I could possibly tolerate. I usually prefer slower live music” I smiled when he said that because I would say that was my preference too. I continued to sit and listen as the song was bringing back a faint memory. I used to dance on the shoes of my father. He had kind of Cardin’s lanky body, and obviously then huge shoes. We would ball room dance together, my arms stretched high to his waste, my face shining in his belt buckle spinning and spinning until he couldn’t tolerate the dance anymore and I would sit there in his slap smiling. He would pull my hair back repeatedly with his right hand, and I would watch his smile come and go. “Did you happen to find that diary, my love?” Slowly I was brought back to the surroundings of his bedroom,

and repeating what he had said in my head.

“Yes the diary…I did find it.” And I was confused because maybe while I was showering Cardin came to put it there. I wanted to ask him but I decided to intentionally ask him something else. “Let me guess it belonged to the previous occupant of that room.”

“I would imagine so.” Cardin immediately answered and his voice rang through both of my ears. I was coming more compelled to the song as at I sat ridiculously close to him, he smelled like irish springs soap. The song began to overcome our silence, as conversation didn’t succeed. He sat there just bobbing his head repeating in unison every moments in love that song harbored. Some how I felt compelled to grab Cardin by his hand. I slipped my hand into his, his palms more solid than I imagined his hand was moist. His grasp, almost breath taking and calm. His other hand gently grazed my chin, and I felt him pulling my lips close to his. We kissed slowly and unusual, because for some reason we couldn’t stop and I wanted to pull away. Finally our lips parted and I began to see Cardin differently, and immediately our faces magnetized back together. His arms crept to my lower back and I slipped my arms around his long neck, our foreheads slumping together. My heart dropped and everything didn’t seem to matter. I managed to slip away from Cardin’s hold just to take a deep breath.

“Do you know anything about me? Do you know that I am a poor girl with no real inheritance, nothing that can help you be anymore perfect than you

already are and here you are probably knowing all that taking advantage of my weakness.”

“No you do have an inheritance, this…all this around you is yours, and you…you are what makes me perfect, you are the icing on the cake.”

“But why? You can have whatever you’d like from the looks of it, I don’t know me and you don’t know me, what could you possibly know about me?”

“More than you think Aurelia, I knew who you were before I began my search. It was just a matter of time before I could find you. Look I could see you would be better off understanding, all of this reading that diary. You read the letters.”

“What have you read that too? Can you predict my fate, can you tell me who I am for the sake of my self destruct? Is this some type of sick joke?”

“No…” “No?” “No it’s not a sick joke, nothing involving a humorous subject. Life must have thrown you some pretty hard balls, if you can’t take a few minutes to forget about hardships and move on maybe you should go somewhere else.”

“How do you just say that to me? I mean if you know so much tell me upfront. Tell me who I am, help me get past all my hardships. But you can’t you don’t know enough, no matter how much of a story you know you don’t know one hundred percent.” And there I dropped it, I felt like numbers being erased from a

chalkboard carelessly. That kiss began to mean nothing and something. Cardin seemed to be done listening because he had his back turned and I realized that I had been yelling. Solemnly I went back to my bedroom and pulled the diary from the drawer, but I didn’t want to read it yet. I didn’t want to see my life unfold out of a diary that some boy who thinks he knows me has been harboring for years.

Compelled to tears I fell back on my bed again knocking down the throw pillows that Maria probably straightened up. It felt like my life was in this drawer, the clothes probably belonging to my mother. I resented it all now, I ran back into the bathroom to look at the picture, and to my dislike the baby in the picture appeared to be more and more like me. I hurried back into the bedroom and snatched out the diary. Reading again the name.

Orelia Noya Rulin a name to remember a life to forget. I couldn’t imagine why any woman would refer to herself in this way. I rubbed the name and that seemed to be plastered on top of something else. I peeled back the nametag and found a little slip of paper. It was light brown, aged and fragile, bearing my name and birth date. This room belonged to my mother, this diary is my mother’s, and here in my hands I felt like I was finally in deep connection with my mother.

Tears began to stream down my face, as the heat began to inflate on my cheeks.

I didn’t think that this struggle would end this easily but it didn’t. I thought about Cardin and simply felt betrayed. I knew that just like any other boy he was probably trying to take advantage of my weakness. But it didn’t feel like that for

once in a long time I felt like someone wanted me. I opened the diary again, clutching my name in my hand and the first entry wasn’t dated, and in fact whatever she wrote simply began with a self-indent.

It is a day where I have not only lost a child, but a husband. My eyes are tired haven looked everywhere insight of them both. I take full responsibility in letting him leave this way, but it must do great pain to a man, to know honest and true that a wife has cheated. Love dissipated here, and with that love, so did care for a child, who will probably never know her mother. In all this confusion I’ve gained another man bearing a life of his own. His home is lavish, I couldn’t have asked for anything better. He has made me a bedroom, a golden room, a room that I would have loved to share with a daughter. I don’t live in this room though, I can’t bear the thought. I want to believe that some how my daughter will come to me. This separation was indeed a problem of love and a lack of money but I can’t stomach the innocence of a missing child. I can’t fight her back, I wish I could love her, I love you Aurelia Noya Rulin.

Orelia At the end of that passage next to the name was an old watermark, and probably a few more new one’s joining. I wanted to tell my mother I loved her, but I wanted to tell my mother I hated her, because she let me go. Her emotional pursuit was stronger than her physical pursuit, and I was lost in the middle. She allowed my father to put my life in vein. These old pages bore my name, and I

only wanted to read more. The next passage seemed to be lengthier.

My mother once told me, that diaries should be written in on the occasions of three important events. This was very important. Joseph and I decided to go across town in search of my daughter because I received a letter from him saying he couldn’t bare this burden anymore. He told me she had my eyes, my lips, and my whit and it was beginning to become unexplainable what happened.

I went to his home first, only finding him gone without a trace.

My heart dropped there but my search didn’t. Joseph and I searched home by home with no sign of my daughter, but Joseph and I inherited a son.

We were headed to an orphanage on the very edge of town and I became more impatient with the way the search was going. My mind was vulnerable and as soon as I walked in this young boy wrapped his arms around me tight. I collapsed, into tears, and onto the floor and Joseph went to claim the boy. I was hurt because those homes are full of children of whom parents don’t care much for their children. The little boy his name is Joseph Cardin Lee Jr. Joseph nicknamed him Cardin because of how alike the names are. We adopted Cardin and brought him home, Joseph readily gave up his room for him.

I was still thinking of my daughter, I was wondering if she had died, or if she was out on the street trying to make a living and I’ve been mourning all night. Maria has sat patiently handing me tissues and patting my back. I’ve realized that no money, no man, no reality, can take the place of my daughter;

can make me forget her face.

It is very late in the evening and Joseph is showing Cardin around his new home. I do enjoy the young boy, but for the life of me I want my daughter. Today the doctor has told me that I am incapable of bearing a child and I wonder if that is my guilt trip. I wonder if I am in fact being punished for ruining my own family.

I decide that I will cry myself to sleep and one-day wake up realizing that this was only a dream.

Orelia I ran my fingers across my mother’s name.

“Or-ree-leeya” It sounded so beautiful, and here in this little book my life had been filled in. Moments later Cardin appeared in my doorway, and at the sight of my distraught face and the diary, his face grew solemn. He walked in and kissed my forehead and I continued to cry in his chest.

“Beautiful it was too much for me to tell you… I would know that you would be more content if you read for yourself.”

“I know…I just…this is…” Cardin sat down next to me and hugged me close. I placed the diary down next to me and tried to toughen up.

“Your mother, she would talk about how much she missed you she missed you so much. When I turned about sixteen it was my personal intent to come find you. “ I simply nodded as Cardin wiped my tears away. “Do you have any idea what happened?” For a moment I sat up and really tried to remember. The last

bit of my life I spent living in hell and immediately I remembered my father.

“Wait...you wanted to search for me? Why?” “You’re the cause of a lot of things.”

“What in the hell do you mean Cardin?”

“Well your mother…”

“No my mother left me. My mother is the cause of my stress and a lot of things. My mother is the cause of my misunderstanding things.”

“You can blame that on her.”

“You damn right I can blame that on her.”

“But you have to take a step back and realize that she went through extreme periods of guilt as well. It wasn’t like she didn’t try.”

“She very well could’ve tried I could give her that but she could’ve tried harder. How do you allow a man to be the reason for your decision?”

“Man is never the reason for personal conflict” “No never the reason but certainly the fuel” “So then you should blame your father. He didn’t give you a fairy tale life to live right?”

“No he didn’t but I don’t blame him, he cared enough…”

“He cared enough to do what? Don’t forgot that he took you away from your mother as if to suggest his sperm donation was more to gain than the labor your mother suffered in having you.”

“Cardin…” This conversation was becoming more and more intolerant.

“But have you ever thought about that Aurelia?” Thought about it. I haven’t slept over it. Two parents who have allowed me to go through life in pursuit of just about everything. Who do I say is at fault for all of this? Who do I manage to pin all my negativity to. Thought about it.

“Yeah.”

“When was the last time you interacted with your father?”

“You know the last time I seen my father was when I was about nine. We had danced to moments of love because, it had just come out and he had the two-sided tape. When we finished dancing he sat me in his lap and I looked toward the window, sensing this unusual good bye. He said to me Aurelia, you have a mother. I wrote to her days ago, and I’m sure soon she’ll try to respond.

He didn’t go into full detail because I guess he didn’t want me to know that he took me away.”

“Your mother regretted that. She used to tell me how she would sit and wait for a phone call, something that would at least assure her that you were alive.”

“I know what a wait. But after that I just put my head on his chest. I could smell his cologne and I could see his eyes swelling as he squeezed me close.

Moments later he picked me up and placed me down in the chair we shared. I remember rubbing my hand up and down this sort of corduroy type fabric. He

came back with my little red suitcase and told me to go. I sat puzzled as I got up to reach for the bag. He told me to go and not hesitate, I was wasting his time. I could tell that he didn’t really mean that. He went back and reached for the tape and placed that in my hand. I cried…I ran back to my room to get the shoe box of the things we had collected together, some jewelry he gave me, and letters I wanted to give to my mom. And that was good bye.”

“How could a man be so selfish to a child?”

“His child…”

“Where did you go?”

“I went outside and stood for a moment…not knowing where to go not knowing what to do. Playing with the zippers on my suit case and I sat for a moment in front of that house. Inside I could hear my father dropping things, breaking glass, it sounded like a fight in there. Well I got up from the porch steps and walked up to the playground up the street. Thinking that if I gave my father some time he would let me back in. Ummm…I guess hours and hours had went by and I watched kids from the neighborhood come and go and I began to see a big fire rising from the top of all the row houses. I began to hear fire trucks and see people come out of their houses and out into the street. I took off running down to my house mustering a fist full of scarce and there my house was on fire.

I watched the fire men get dressed and I know I was screaming that my father was in that house. Well eventually I was pushed back behind this yellow tape,

and I watched them bring my father out on a stretcher. He didn’t move he was dark. I slipped under the yellow tape then I took one last stare at my house and ran back to the playground. I climbed inside this grimy little tube, pulled my knees into my face and cried. I sat in there all day until very late at night where I couldn’t hear anybody. I walked back down the street. Clutching my box and dragging my luggage bag, my father was dead.”

“Wow that must have been tough on you Aurelia, I mean I distinctly remember days after because your mother was going in to self destruct.”

“I would hope, she should have known that she was driving my father crazy. He would always talk about her, under his breath, in his sleep.”

“Well she talked about you the same way.”

“My mother must have had no self control. I mean from the sound of it she could’ve tried to clear things up.”

“Why do you blame your mother?”

“Why shouldn’t I? You seem to think I am wrong why?”

“Blame doesn’t solve anything.”

“Blame doesn’t solve anything?” Cardin simply shook his head and I did as well because I was full of sarcastic responses but I figured now wasn’t the time. I figured that if I could vent now I could forever sleep in peace.

“So anyways I went back into this house. Everything was covered in ashes and the ceiling was completely open. I remember our chair, that night it seemed

to be darker than anything else. I walked back towards my bedroom and could see that my door had been consumed in flames. Chunks of woods were pilled on the floor. My room was fine though, it probably just smelled of smoke, and I was uncontrollably coughing. I fell asleep on my bed.”

“And when you woke up?”

“When I woke up I wasn’t in my bed anymore and I panicked because I wasn’t where I left myself. I was in a room and woman was staring intently at me.

I heard beeping and wheels rolling and only conclude that I was in a hospital. I remembered the accent of the nurse.

“Oh you poor, poor child. You must have been scared, how did they not find you.” And she would pop her gum every other word.” Cardin and I kind of chuckled together. “I didn’t answer her, I simply stared at her and she would continue to talk. “I’m sorry hun, but your father was consumed in a fire, was sumthin like a suicide, you know what a suicide is right?” Now that I think about it what type of person was she to tell a child something like that you know? So the last things she said to me were ridiculous. ““Honey, your gonna go to a new home, a home with a bunch of new kids, and one parent. You don’t know your mother?”” I hated her. I hated her because the next few days, which turned into years, I did spend in a home, with a bunch of kids and some crazy woman, not knowing my mother.”

“Well did you ever try to leave?”

“No because a couple years after the day in the hospital, I wanted to die. I felt like my mother was dead, and my father was dead, and absolutely no one knew how to love me.”

“Love? After all that you were in search of love?”

“Family…well family is love.”

“And the home?”

“The home meant nothing to me. The kids who lived there knew where their parents were, either out on the street or in another state living a young life.”

“Wow so no one to relate to?”

“No I didn’t have friends in the orphanage. That wasn’t this fun happy go lucky place that I was intent on staying in. Everyone there is some type of deranged and the sad thing about it is, it isn’t their fault. No matter how you look at it, these children are left with misfortunate futures because of a parent who lacked in some way.”

“I agree but there is also that drive in that child to get better.”

“Do you understand pain is pain is pain it don’t just up and run away dependin on the degree. You got lucky it seems…”

“No, I was graced. God gave me the parents…”

“God? So in all of this where was my God” “Where was your faith Aurelia?”

“I don’t know…” I didn’t know, didn’t know that I thought of such a thing.

Are you supposed to have faith when your life gives you no answer? Believe it or not I have faith enough to spare my own life.

“Well did you read your mothers last diary entry?”

“No I just happened to read the first two.”

“Maybe after dinner we can sit and read it?”

“Do I really want to?”

“You should.”

“But do I really want to?”

“Aurelia, I want you to.” I looked at Cardin in the eyes and realized he meant that.

“Mister Joseph, dinner would be served.” I looked at Cardin and kind of smirked.

“She means dinner will be served, and thank you Maria.” She kind of waited outside of the bedroom, and I went to peek at her.

“Maria…you knew my mother.”

“Yes Aurelia…she was like sister, I would listen to her cry about you day and night not too long ago. It is a mind blowing thing to have you here.” Cardin walked ahead of me and I sort of followed and Maria followed me. We trailed down the steps, into a extravagant kitchen. In the middle was a light green island, decorated with an array of foods, and to the right of the island, was a huge wooden cream table. To the left of the island was a semi surrounding kitchen,

stainless steel, with a bunch of green accents.

“Maria it smells delicious.” Cardin remarked and I nodded, it did. It reminded me of the thanksgiving smell back at home when we used to have barbequed flavored string beans. Cardin walked toward the dinner table and I watched Phillip pull out his chair. I began to walk toward the table and I watched Phillip take a step back. Cardin hurried to pull my chair out and I kind of rolled my eyes at Phillip. Phillip left the room and for a moment the room was quiet. I could hear Cardin breathing, and my heart beating faster than usual. Suddenly I watched Maria and Phillip bring food in tray by tray. The trays were even attractive. The bigger tray was silver, and in the swirls seemed to be a gold trim, and on top a large ham covered in syrupy pineapples. I looked over to see Cardin watching me in amazement.

“What’s the occasion?”

“I requested that you have another one of the old family favorites.” I nodded off. I couldn’t believe that he would say something like that to me. As delicious as the food looked, nothing was relevant to my favorite and for all I knew Cardin never had a family how could they have possibly coined favorites. I then felt guilty for even thinking like that, but family favorites didn’t sit well with me. I tried to remember me and my father’s favorites. I don’t think we ever really had any but he would always make cheesy potatoes. We would skin the potatoes, and cut them together, and I would sit and watch him put slices of

American cheese in a buttered pan and stir it all together.

“Would you like a piece of ham?” I was certainly caught off guard and seen the array of trays affixed on the table. I nodded no and for some reason I knew that I would regret that. “Whenever your ready, to eat Aurelia, let me know.

I’ll make your plate.” Cardin did seem so nice, but I couldn’t bring myself to a dinner conclusion. Dinner was my favorite time of the day with my father and the longer I reminisced on it, the more I knew I missed that man. When he died I didn’t know that he planned it, I didn’t know that my mother was the reason. I began to hate her, because when I thought of my father, I thought of a good man, elaborate, smart, kind sometimes, but never one to hold on to money. I guess my mother was tired of trying to live day by day, I hated it. But boy when my father had money, I was certainly the prizewinner. Everything I could possibly think to ask for I would have, and we would be broke the very next day. Underneath my breath, I chuckled, and I caught Phillip staring holes into me. I read his lips moving and he was certainly calling me delusional.

“I’ll eat now…,” I proposed and it seemed like everyone was listening.

Maria came from the kitchen with two plates full of food and I had it decided that I wasn’t going to finish. I even said it out loud. Cardin laughed and I was still blinking. When the food was placed in front of me, a steam rose up from my neck to my face, I felt greasy. I grabbed the fork to the right of me and the knife to the left of me and poked at the ham.

“Your mother used to love this…” and Cardin sort of stopped. I know he felt awkward talking to me about my mother, and all he seemed to be doing was trying to make me feel welcome. I already did, I felt at home, but I didn’t, I didn’t grow up here, I haven’t lived this lavish life. I noticed that I was still poking at the food in front of me. Nothing successful enough to reach my mouth, but I was hungry. The two plates were full. The one plate, ham and turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce. The other plate meatballs, crescent rolls, and macaroni and cheese. This food looked nothing like what I used to eat at the orphanage, and looking at the macaroni running off the plate, was making me lose my appetite. I picked up the meatball, considering that on both plates was enough meat, and ate that. It was different, it reminded me of the barbequed meat loaf we ate at the orphanage. I hated the orphanage, the bedroom I shared with five other girls, the bathroom I shared with everybody, the ghetto orphan lady. Cardin leaned over to me and whispered in my ear, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah perfectly fine, just remembering things you know.” Cardin was eating well. He reminded me of someone who didn’t have too many worries in life, someone who would do perfectly fine on his own. Someone who didn’t let their problems weigh over their future. “Cardin what made you find me?”

“You know,” he was chewing. “There were a lot of incentives why, but I felt like if I died having done anything else, it would by finding you.”

“Why did you want to find me Cardin?”

“Is it really a matter of concern for you, Aurelia? You seemed to have been a girl living a lost life. This home found you; we spent extensive days after your mother’s death finding you because she didn’t want us to move on any other way. When Cardin finally got a lead on where you were...” Phillips old lips stopped moving.

“Look Phillip, I don’t think this s a good dinner time conversation. Aurelia, I found you because it began to mean as much to me, as it did to the parents that took me in. I knew that when I found you I would probably fall in love and…I am in love.” I got up from the table dropping everything on the plate.

“I have had it with this ridiculous, home, this ridiculous story, how can you love me? You don’t know me. None of you know me, you knew my mother. A woman who wasn’t too bright in decision, and I have about had it here. For all this confusion and emotion I can go back and live in the orphanage. With kids who also don’t know their parent or parents and have no intention on finding them. You all are so fake, sitting here surrounded in glamour with no appreciation.” I got a running start up the steps and slammed the door to my mother’s bedroom. I wanted to leave and I snatched my book bag from the closet floor. My book back was a little faded now it’s gray face darker than it used to be, the jansport logo tearing away. The tassels were missing from the zipper and the zipper tracks weren’t even all the way there anymore. Inside was my shoebox, and there were something’s in there that I never got the chance to see.

Exhausted in confusion, I sat down on the floor in the closet opening the shoebox lid. It smelled like the last of my house. The burnt corduroy cloth sitting folded on top. A long time ago my father and me filled this box with fun things. I placed the fabric on the floor and laid my hand on the baseball tickets from Pittsburgh. The stadium was nice, we sat so far away that I spent the majority of the time staring at the activities lighting the screen. I remembered the pierogie race, the pink pierogie with the goofy face, wining, all the while thinking that the game had to be fixed. My dad would say “it’s entertaining, it sure is entertaining.” And I would smile because entertaining was great. I loved Pittsburgh too, beneath the tickets were the photos we took at the point. It was mid October, the back of the pictures read, and the fountain at the point was pink. The river’s breeze was sweeping the hair, every which way from my forehead, and I was watching the fountain spurt up pink water from the sea of red. My father would stand next to me, so consumed in the moment, he would miss me telling him that I loved him, until I was tugging at his old wheat colored jacket. My father would put me on the wall where it wasn’t wet, and I would think about what color my feet would be if I plunged them into that red water while he would tell me he loved me too.

Beneath the pictures was a flower, a rose that my father got me on Valentines Day. He brought me the rose to school, and I couldn’t have been happier. He wasn’t happy though, he told me that on these days his heart was so lonely and I couldn’t believe it because he always had me. Below my flower was a locket, I

never opened. It was gold, thick, and heavy. I was hoping that inside would be a picture of my mother. Hesitantly I opened the locket and on the left side was a family picture. I could see my father, so young, and happy and my mother. Her hair pulled back, her gigantic smile, her soft eyes, and me. My father and my mother were both holding me, baby me, and this was the same picture in my bathroom. My mother must have saved the bigger one and my father must have carried the smaller one. On the right side was a picture of me smiling and probably cooing at the idea of my parents making me smile together. Underneath the locket were the letters Cardin sent me. All of them begging me in one way or another to just come stay for a while. I clasped this locket to my heart and got up to grab the diary. I opened to the very last passage and there sat the article of my father’s death. On the article was a picture of me and father’s house, and scribbled on the picture was our last address.

Years have passed…and there is still no sign of Aurelia. God couldn’t have burdened such a heart. I’ve clipped this article of my first husband and can only think that I was the one who has probably driven him to losing his sanity. I was an ungrateful wife, but I knew that I deserved better than living from day to day on one pay check. I had dreams of being a stay at home mother, with a husband that would provide, and that dream came true with another man and another child. I feel like I have huge weights in my gut and this mistake swirling within the realms of my mind. I know that Aurelia isn’t dead, but her spirit is very

distant.

Cardin has grown now, he asks me everything. I know that he’s noticed the dark upon my face. I can no longer hide my grief and confusion, and he can tell that I no longer have initiative to be beautiful. Cardin tells me that he can help me get better but I’ve reached my point of non recovery.

Joseph is dying. I have sat on the edge of his bed and have stared into his eyes and have felt like I’ve been looking into a mirror. His condition is getting worse, he is no longer animate, his skin has grown pale, and his eyes are lazy.

He tells me that he loves me and that we’ll get better, but for reasons I don’t want to. His hands have grown cold and Cardin has grown so strong. I feel like I’ve been burdened with a curse. I won’t repent though, I just want to live and die.

Something is telling me that I can never reach my state of purity and peace now, and I’ve been left to end it all now. Maybe God will be kind enough to allow me into heaven and there I can reclaim life, my husband, and my family.

Aurelia will never know how much pain this has caused me, how weighted I feel, how much of a struggle this has been…tears have brought me to an end.

Orelia A Name to remember a life to forget. Days go by and I’m filled with regret.

Death is slow but it has reached its end. My life is over…her life begins.

Chapter 5 Knowing that my mother had suffered much brought me a little relief but I felt bad because although it took her long enough for her to grieve my loss she began to drive her self crazy. For a moment I was staring at the dry wooden wall to the left of me. My arm was pressed slightly on the carpet and curly indents were diagonal on my arm. I yawned and I felt as though I’ve violated some sacred air. I took one last look at the diary, closed it up, and took a deep breath.

Something in me wanted to cry, wanted to pray, wanted to scream, wanted to die, but I couldn’t decide on which would be more productive. I placed the diary into the box with the rest of my keepsake things and placed the lid on top. I rested my hands on top of the lids and felt lifeless. I lost both of my parents to a lack of love and here I was left to decide what fate to live. To make sense of things I could agree to being very angry. Angry because I was abandoned and angry because know one had told me this story, and even more angry because there was no one here to help me restore. So close to thinking about death, I traced the lines engraved on my arm. I remembered the day I did them clearly.

It was the day of family renewal, and usually one kid met with their parents and the world continued to spin. I never got a visit, not from any interested family, not from any concerned mom, nobody wanted to see me. And in my pity I slumped up to the crawl in attic with a pair of scissors. Right at the crawl space was a dusty lantern that you could use to get further inside and I crawled with it

right into the middle. I could feel cobwebs and spider webs grazing the top of my head and the dust was making me congested. In fear, I began to mindlessly graze the blade of the scissors back and forth onto my arm until I could see four pink open gashes. My flesh seemed to glimmer with the dim lamplight, but the scars never bled. Among other secrets it was the worse to harbor and now that I look back on it, it means nothing.

In the closet I buckled my knees up to my chin and held myself close.

There was nothing worse than harboring the hardships of a reality. I had no plan, I had no decision on a future, and I was full of no answers but right here next to me was a box, a box that held answers to my life. I realized that my dress was wet with tears and all of this was just frustrating.

In my bathroom, I looked at my solemn face in the mirror, then at the picture of my mother next to the sink. Her and my father seemed to be in one of those marriages that would only seem genuine, but I could tell that they both loved me. My father probably loved me a lot more than my mother. I tried to remember them together, imagine what they would be like together but the picture wasn’t coming to mind. But I knew that my father loved my mother because unlike other men, he was home, watching me, telling me stories of how a princess should be treated. I couldn’t bear looking at either of them because they both gave up on life; my only wish is that one day I could see them together again. But what good would a wish like that do when they are both dead.

Tracing back to my room I realized that is was dark. The panels were blowing in from a cool night air and I closed the windows. My stomach was growling and I remembered that I didn’t eat a last time. My hand traced the bottom of my stomach and I could feel the dried wrinkles of my tears. I was thinking that if I was up here for so long why didn’t anyone come and check on me. But it probably wouldn’t have made a difference because I wouldn’t have warmly welcomed them anyway. I took my hair down and pulled out my flannel pajamas and put those on. I figured that around this time that the house would be sleeping so I set off to trail downstairs.

In the kitchen, the lights glowed in the dark. The stove clock flashed twelve eleven and the microwave clock twelve thirteen. I wanted to peer into the fridge because I was craving something sweet. Because I had been scrambling in the dark the fridge light was almost blinding, but inside was an assortment of foods. I overlooked everything and found my eyes settled on a hot pocket in the door. I searched the kitchen for a plate and put my hot pocket in the microwave for one minute and fifty three seconds. The kitchen gradually began to smell like pizza and while I waited I looked for a cup. The cup boards were filled with glasses. There wasn’t a cheap plate or a plastic cup in sight. I went to grab for a cup and being as nervous as I was it dropped. The glass shattered on the counter and spilled to floor and I was certain that I interrupted the silence of the house. Suddenly I heard someone running down the steps and for some reason I

was hoping it was Cardin.

“Oh…oh Aurelia don’t worry about it.” Cardin shooed me out of the way and began to pick up the glass with a floor broom he pulled from the cupboard underneath the sink.

“Please be careful…I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean…I was…”

“Don’t worry about it…just get a new glass. What are you doing up anyway?” Cardin spoke to me in between hustles to the floor. I acknowledged his concern but I was still upset about everything.

“I was just a little hungry…”

“You are hungry and you decide to eat the littlest thing in the fridge.”

Cardin chuckled a bit and stared at me the way he did earlier in my bedroom.

“What a smudge on my nose?” Cardin stared at me for a second and when he got the joke his facial expression changed.

“Yeah right under your eye.” “ Well anyways hot pockets fill me up thank you.” Cardin was finished cleaning up the glass and he stared at me and kind of shook his head.

“So back at dinner…what was going on?”

“Oh nothing…I kind of went through one of those…you know…I was just remembering things.”

“I mean Aurelia if there’s some things that you don’t want to tell me that is perfectly ok but I don’t want you to have to feel like you have to lie to me or keep

things from me.”

“What are you doing up?”

“Honestly…I was ummm…waiting for you to uh…I just wake up when I here things going on in my house…our house…this house.” Cardin kind of stared at me and I glared at him because I could see we were both a little uncomfortable. Cardin began pouring him and I a glass of cranberry juice. “You might want to grab your hot pocket before it gets cold.”

“Oh yeah…I did forget about that for a minute.” Cardin took the glasses to the tabled and I followed after him.”

“So are you up for conversation?”

“We kind of already started one… right?” I began to eat my hot pocket and Cardin went to grab me some napkins. “Thank you.” I mumbled with my mouth full. Cardin looked restless; he sat across from me tapping on the table.

Awkwardly we sat there in silence looking up at each other periodically. When I finished I wiped my mouth and stared at Cardin’s hands. “I guess…I’ll be going to bed now.”

“Well I’m not sleepy…I mean I want…to talk for a while.”

“We just sat here staring at each other…we could’ve been talking.”

“You ever want to say something so badly that you think up scenarios about what to say…and you sit here thinking so much that you almost forget that you’ve been meaning to say something.”

“As jumbled as it sounded… I know what you mean.” We kind of chuckled together and were finally making eye contact. “Well did you figure out what you wanted to say?” Again Cardin began to stare at me his eyes tracing me. His mouth was moving but nothing was coming out.

“You know what it’s late. Why don’t we continue this conversation tomorrow?” Cardin seemed very content with this decision. But grasping my hands under the table I wasn’t ready to get up and go. Unusually I sat there trying to make him stay as he put the glasses in the sink.

“What if we don’t have tomorrow?” Cardin chuckled and leaned back against the sink.

“You have what you believe you’ll have.”

“So you believe that you’ll always have tomorrow?”

“So are you suggesting that you want to talk?” And there I was speechless. Cardin took it as a yes and came back to sit with me at the table. We were back to staring at each other intensely and I didn’t know what to say to him.

I began to see his face, his jaw structure, his shapely hair line, and it was suddenly attractive. I got the feeling that he was looking at me the same way.

“It’s awkward having you here.”

“It’s awkward being here.”

“I mean…I’m at the point in my life where I need to make certain of what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go.”

“And how can I help you with that.”

“That’s exactly my point. You can’t. I’ve found you my task has been completed. But I want to know you better you seem like you want to know me.”

“Know you yes, know myself is even more of my challenge.”

“You’re an eighteen year old girl with problems just like me, answers that have come and have gone and you can only progress from that.”

“I need to trust you. With all that has gone on I need to know your intent.

“Sure.” Cardin kind of finger traced the edge of the table. “My intentions are…I intend to help you…intentions…”

“So…I mean sure it was nice of you to bring me here, nice of you to fill in on some questions but where do I go from here. There isn’t too much more I need to do here.”

“We can start a relationship, begin planning our futures together.”

“Relationships don’t happen over night either Cardin.”

“No you are right. But at night…that is when they can develop.” Cardin and I smiled at each other. I wanted to be closer to him because I was beginning to feel awkward sitting across from him staring.

“Why should I give in so easily?”

“Because you have nothing to lose here. I don’t intend to hurt you. I don’t intend to push you away. I don’t intend to trouble you with our past. I don’t intend to lose you.”

“And how have you gained me?”

“It seems like no matter how hard I try to make you understand that I have your best interest at heart you want to hear something negative. You want to try to make me reason with myself. But I don’t have to I see you and I know that I am attracted to you, every bit of you.”

“You just met me.”

“No you just me. I am a man who has looked at numerous possibilities, ways that I can better myself and then I got to thinking of you. You, you have this naturalness to you and it’s amazing how we’re connected to each other. Long story short you can’t take the pain in your past and let it stunt the growth of your future.”

“I don’t know you.”

“Be logical Aurelia you’re here.”

“I’m here because I am lost.”

“Lost?”

“You sent me letters. I expected to come and find myself but after that…”

“Yeah?”

“Wasn’t too much planning that went into that thought.”

“So you don’t want to stay.”

“Stay? Here? I do.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Start by being honest with me Aurelia. I helped you. I want you to stay.” I stopped looking at Cardin and began to clean my nails. Cardin looked down and began to hear myself breath. I could continue this conversation with answerless questions or I could just give in. I didn’t want to give in this easily, continue allowing Cardin to predict my fate. Some how Cardin began to take my silence as conformation. “So this is where it begins.” I simply repeated that back.

“This is where it begins.”

Chapter Six I woke up in my tangled sheets, the satin licking my ankles and my feet dangling off the bed in cool air. I felt strands of hair hanging in my face and I didn’t remember tying my hair down, I didn’t even remember going to sleep. My eyes traced the quiet light filled walls and the light seeped through the gold canopy. I could faintly smell breakfast cooking but I didn’t feel hungry. I used my feet to pull the blanket back over them and laid there staring at the ceiling through the canopy.

“Breakfast?” Maria startled my quiet morning. She stood there extending the breakfast tray on the side of my bed. I traced her with my eyes but I didn’t want to say much because I knew that I still had morning breath. I simply nodded my head and Maria stood there with the tray out. When I sat up the tray was in

my face and I aggressively took it as I sat up, the silver chilling the palms of my hands the steam adding extra effect to the sun in my face.

“Thank you.” I mumbled. Maria was already trailing away. Immediately I was drawn to the silver ware. I don’t use silver ware and I surely wasn’t using my hands to eat those steaming grits. In the mirror I could see my dry face highlighted in the sun and the tray was starting to weigh down my comforter in my lap. I got up and placed the tray on my night stand and went in the bathroom to brush my teeth. I did a breath check in my hands and was surprised; my breath didn’t smell that bad. While brushing my teeth I thought about the breakfast tray, all the things that would be cold by the time I was done. I could still eat the bacon and sausage and the toast would be ok. With a couple good rinses I was done brushing and I dried my face with the hand towel.

“Good morning.” Cardin was sitting on the edge of my bed, dressed, and smiling. I was embarrassed and I crept out of the bathroom in front of him.

“Good morning.” I tried to say back all nonchalant but I knew that Cardin was already humored by me being startled.

“You know you’re a tough person to get to go to sleep. It’s like last night we were kind of talking and suddenly you began to trail off to places in the house.” I chuckled. I knew that somehow last night I probably embarrassed myself.

“Did you get me on video?”

“I wish but if I would’ve left to retrieve a video camera you potentially could’ve done something dangerous.”

“I’m known for that. You look very attractive this morning.” I watched Cardin kind of fix his collar and smile at me.

“Well I just came to see if you were getting ready. I see that you kind of bypassed breakfast so we can go out and get that too.”

“We’re going out?”

“Yeah remember…this is where it begins…we have a lot to catch up on?”

“Yeah…this is where it begins. How much time do I have to get ready?”

“Oh take your time…I’m in no rush. But if you want a good day out on the town, we should probably get going.” I nodded and Cardin got up to walk out of the room. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and when I blank he was gone. I reached in the drawer below my underwear drawer and pulled out my blue jeans that I haven’t worn in a while. They stilled smelled like sweet detergent. They were straight leg jeans; I liked them because of how they sat behind tennis shoe tongues, hi-top tennis shoes especially. I found a white v neck t-shirt and that gold v neck sweater hanging in the closet I figured my brown and white scarf would compliment nicely. I let my hair hang down loosely pulling it a little to one side and went back to freshen up. I was hoping that by the time that I came back out Maria would have taken the tray back down stairs.

I began to get dressed. I used the cherry scented jergens lotion that was

among the lotions on my dresser. I got dressed and fixed my hair again in the mirror. I thought I looked ok.

Walking down the steps I could see the sunlight seeping through the door panels lingering on to the bottom steps. I could hear Cardin’s voice trailing from the side room near the corridor. When I walked in, my attention was immediately attracted to the three floor to ceiling windows on the front wall. The room was white washed and beautiful. The sun swam all over the carpet floor and immediately I jumped back out because my dirty shoes were on the carpet.

“It’s ok Aurelia. It’s a family room.” I stood at the edge and peered into the room again. The furniture was all different colors they kind of accented the white walls. Cardin was chuckling at me again and I kind of ignored it this time. The room was beautiful. “Please come in. You’re making me think that there is an invisible wall between the both of us.” I slowly walked back into the room and Cardin stood up behind me as I walked past. My eyes were caught on every inch of the room, it was lavish yet very plain. I walked over to the windows and was almost squinting because the light was so bright, it reflected off the windows. I could see across the street. The land over there wasn’t beautiful.

“We own that land.”

“We?” “Yes it is ours now. We haven’t had that much of a need for it but it’s ours.” I tried to peer further out of the window to see what was over there. It just

looked like a bunch of sunlit wild weeds.

“What used to be there?”

“Nothing…years ago your mother hired a few of the women in the city to grow things over there. She would have little parties and cabarets for practically anyone sometimes and when she died we’d just let the land go.”

“We’re those things fun?”

“For the people in the neighborhood, yeah. They kind of enjoyed the freedom of fun. I mean I enjoyed it sometimes too. People you wouldn’t believe would be there dancing and just having a good old time and they would always come dressed their nicest.”

“That land looks desperate for life.” Cardin kind of nodded and I could watch him second guessing the life over there. “I mean when people come through here they see this nice beautiful green house, and then on the other side, this dry dying grass land.”

“So you wanna do something over there I’m guessing?”

“You’re getting to know me.” Cardin nodded again and this time he called for Phillip and Maria. Phillip and Maria came from inside the kitchen and stood promptly outside of the family room. Cardin walked out to meet them and I turned back around towards the windows and listened to Cardin telling them what to do.

“Ok Phillip I’m going to need you to get me in touch with Mr. Fields who sold Orelia and my father the property across the street. Maria I’m going to need

you to cancel the chauffeur that we had for the day and give him the days pay. If he asks for a reason tell him that an emergency came up.” Maria and Phillip hurried away and Cardin turned back around to me, I could feel him staring at me before he talked so I turned around slowly.

“What if we make a change of plans today?”

“What ever you decide Cardin, you call the shots.”

“But I want to do this for you, with you.” At the sound of Cardin saying with you my heart dropped. Something about his tone was beyond serious and I was beginning to let my guard down. “So sit down a minute, let’s plan this out.” Cardin motioned for me to sit down on the dark purple couch. “You want to make it beautiful over there right.” I nodded I was compelled not to say much because I was enjoying Cardin’s business voice. “So what we can do today is get a whole new grass landscape put in, a couple pathways, and kind of a tent thing in the middle.”

“Something’s telling me that you’ve wanted to do this for a while.”

“I have. I enjoy this room, its natural sunlit beauty, and when I go to look out the window I see an eye sore. I hate to see nature dying and not cared for but nothing was giving me the initiative to do it, I didn’t do anything. But now it is something that we both want right?”

“Right.” Cardin grabbed my hand tightly and I stared directly into his eyes.

“You know you’re something special Aurelia. I would never want to let you

go.”

“Something inside me doesn’t want to go.” Cardin got up when he heard Phillip coming back down the corridor.

“Phone sir.” Phillip extended the phone out to Cardin and Cardin took and went to the far side of the room. I could faintly here him negotiating with whoever was on the phone. His head was nodding; he had one hand on the phone, and his other in his pocket. He was pacing back and forth, time was adding up, and he was making me nervous. Finally I heard Cardin say ok bye bye, and he handed the phone back to Phillip.

“Ok great news. I just talked to Mr. Fields, he said if I paid so much he would have a team get over there and have it fixed by tomorrow morning.”

“What’s the catch?”

“There is no catch child…I would assume we would have to pay a little more money.” Phillip was already trying to be smart with me. I glared at him as he quietly placed his hands behind his back and stared at me.

“He is right. I do have to pay a little bit extra and Phillip that would be considered a catch but we can do it. The big thing is that we have to have a blue print of what we’d like in about an hour.”

“That would be perfectly easy for me to do.”

“Yeah I remember my father, telling me about you’re decisions on remodeling the house last time. Would you be willing to work with Aurelia

though?” Phillip stared at me and I was expecting his no.

“I’d work with her…unwillingly.” I watched Phillip head toward the dining room and I unwillingly followed behind him.

“If you have any problems, which I’m sure you won’t I’ll be upstairs.”

Cardin trailed off upstairs and I really didn’t want him to leave me alone with Phillip. I had no idea what he was liable to do to me.” When I reached the dining room Phillip had a graph sheet spread out across the table staring at me. I went for a chair across from him and sat down slowly.

“Look we can make this very simple…let’s leave the smart comments aside.” Phillip nodded and it was almost like a groundbreaking commencement.

He sat down finally with a pencil in had and I began to spew out ideas. “So in concern for time I’d like to make this a very simple layout.”

“Right plus you have to keep in mind the space you’re working amongst.

So we won’t draw this to scale.”

“So since the street has a parallel street behind it I’d like to make two main entrances.”

“Do you want them to be arches that include pathways to some middle?”

“I’d like a building in the middle. I like the big effect of windows on all four walls and I think that the building should have a stair well in the center that leads to a top balcony.” Phillip was drawing and I continued to spew ideas and when an hour came around the blue print was finished.

“I actually enjoyed working with you.” I at Phillip and we took the blue print off the table and rolled it up. Minutes later the doorbell rang and when we looked outside I could see all the men across the street climbing out of trucks. Phillip was answering the door and tears began to fill my eyes because for once in my life I was going to see something getting done, something planned and accomplishd. I stood with my face plastered against the window and every time that I breathed a small circle of breath would climb the window. I watched the head construction worker take the blue print and roll it out in front of the grass on the sidewalk and almost immediately they began working.

“Nervous?”

“Excited…and nervous.” Cardin walked behind me and began to massage my shoulders.

“You know that when it is all said and done a project is only accomplished when you are satisfied.”

“Yeah…is it a satisfaction guaranteed deal?”

“So even when their done with what you gave them, if you go out there and don’t like it you can change and change until you’ve reached satisfaction.”

“I get it. But I doubt that we’ll have any problems with what me and Phillip made.”

“You in Phillip. Did you all establish a new relationship?”

“Something like that.” I turned around in between Cardin’s extended arms

and this time I was close enough to kiss him. He stared down on me his eyes seemed to be tracing my little forehead and I couldn’t help but smile.

“I know you want to kiss me Aurelia.” And I blushed. I did but I didn’t because he knew. I was so embarrassed. “But if it’s any help I want to kiss you too.” And Cardin leaned in to kiss. His lips were warm and his hands remained on my shoulders. Cardin separated me and I stood there in a sense astonished.

My lips were buzzing... my veins seemed to be squirming…and suddenly I felt full of life. I turned back around to see what was going on across the street. They were already mowing the grass, and digging the crooked pathways. Cardin wrapped his arm around my waste and we stood there for a while, watching the men be busy, and the sun go down.

“You ever wonder why you meet the people you meet, why life always has it’s own way no matter what you choose?”

“Aurelia those are two very deep questions. I never wonder why I meet the people I meet them because for some reason or another the people you meet always shape some aspect of your life. Then life is something that I’ve learned to accept. Life does happen and there’s no real way to choose what’s going to happen.” Cardin kind of squeezed me tighter and I was smiling.

Chapter 7 I could see our reflections in the window because it was getting darker. “You

hungry.” I nodded and Cardin went to peer into the kitchen. “Maria should be back home soon.”

“Where’d she go?”

“I sent her on the day trip that we were going to go on. Her and the chauffeur kind of have a fling going on.” I chuckled and Cardin grabbed my hand and was shuffling through his pocket. “I wanted to give you something before we lost the moment.” Cardin pulled this jewelry box out of his pocket. “It’s a promise ring.” It was a beautiful solid gold ring and it was accented in green leaves. He slid the ring onto my ring finger and kind of stood back to look at me.

“I love it!”

“You have to make me a promise though.”

“A promise, oh I don’t know Cardin promises are kind of uncertain.”

“But it’s simple though.”

“What is it?”

“Promise me that you’ll have faith in your love.”

“But I don’t have love.”

“Well have faith in me.”

“Is that what I’m promising?”

“No…?”

“No? What is the meaning of the promise ring Cardin?”

“Ok promise me that you’ll believe in life.”

“I’ll believe in life.” I felt like I was casting a spell upon things now.

Wondering whether or not I meant that promise because after a certain point in my life things were never that final. But I loved the ring, the way it felt, its color.

“Look turn around. It’s almost finished.”

“My God.” “My God is right.” Cardin was chuckling at the way I said it first. Our moment kind of dwindled though my attention was focused on the park over there.

“Wow.” Walking to the window, I twirled the ring around my finger. I couldn’t believe how fast things have changed. The yard was fully lit and I could see me and Phillips blue print coming to life. The grass was cut and street lights were put in…and the building in the middle was beautiful. Tears were filling my eyes again.

“Well…surprise.”

“Surprise?”

“Yeah I kind of planned for this to be done before midnight before night even. I could already tell you had no idea about how things were put together in such a big space it’s not really a lot of work.”

“You…what…I…this is…”

“I already know but someone so beautiful deserves to see dreams come true.” Cardin tugged me toward the door and upon walking outside I completely

broke down. Cardin held me by the hand tightly and the men were putting on the finishing touches. “Now you can’t see it but on the back fence it says North Aurelia, and on the front fence they’re going to put South Cardin.”

“That is certainly amazing.”

“I know I can see it on your face.” I continued to stare at the park, how clean, how new, how original it looked. Cardin kept rubbing my back and I watched one of the construction workers turn on all the park lights.

“But you’ve never…have you watched a park built before your eyes before?” I did the park up the street from my father’s house but I was too busy taking in all that was before me. Then immediately my attention was drawn back to the woman I had seen when I first arrived here. She was staring at the project a little further down the side walk. I could see her pulling a gray jacket over her shoulders as the wind blew our hair. She didn’t pay me much attention but I watched her, looked her up and down. She reached into her pocket and grabbed a lighter in which she lit a half smoked cigarette in her left hand. I began to walk her way and I finally disturbed her concentration.

“Orelia.” I shook my head no and reached out to shake her hand.

“Aurelia.” I assured her. Cardin came over and handed her several dollars.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and slowly we trailed up the steps bypassing the gray crack in the lime green steps. I looked back at the woman and seen that she had started down the road and Cardin was already ahead of me in the

house. Then I looked back at the park that was basically finished. “Who is she?”

“She is one of the women that your mother used to take care of.”

“She thought that I was my mother.”

“This is very similar to what your mother used to do.”

“Did you every refer to her as mom?”

“Not really I guess. She was present but I could only hear her talking about you. She didn’t approach me that way, you know in a son type of way.”

“Well I guess it’s my turn.”

“Your turn to?”

“My turn to take on life’s responsibilities.”

“We can take on the responsibilities together.”

“Sure…but lets get inside it is getting chilly out here.”

“Right…so I have another gift for you.” Cardin pulled out a box wrapped in paper that had promises written all over it. I slowly tore the paper and inside was the dress that was hanging inside the closet. I chuckled. “I had it altered to fit you, you have a big night tomorrow.” I smiled.

“So you’ve been planning to get me this whole time.”

“Not get you but make you pleasantly welcome, you know make you fall in love.”

“I don’t fall in love Cardin, love falls on me.”

“A girl of question and humor. I guess I better fall on you then.”

“I think you have already.” The night ended with a quick kiss and in my mind I had a lot to remember. Today was a start of a wonderful day. A wonderful night and a life full of promises.

Poetry -“ I don’t know no easy contained in this life now and it won’t leave me. In a mirror I digest a long face this distant place ain’t nuthin but opportunity and space. My mind strangling the beliefs of an existentialist my pain balled up in a clenched fist. My words are here and alive.”

Life Worth Livin Blues by Gold Love ain’t Chocolate I got all I’m livin for, couldn’t be more content Said I’ve got all worth livin for, couldn’t be more content Life couldn’t get any better, this is a life well spent I got God as my protector, I fear nothing in my way I’ve got my family as protection, I fear nothing in my way I don’t need friends, foes, or haters, I got life well underway I got a well paid job, I work get paid and eat Said I got a well paid job, the money I make is for me I got a job worth workin at, I can supply my wants and needs I got life worth livin blues, it’s music to my ears Yeah I got life worth livin blues, music to my ears Life is so great right now, I don’t know no tears

butternut It was his chance to utter the song repeating on the tuner.

Squeezing his tooth paste tube in the mirror wiggling his butt to his favorite high tempo tune.

His tooth brush propped on the sink bent.

Smiling he knows girls love the way he can turn into a golden raison slightly burnt.

His soft skin chicken butter, super smooth hair, and captivating smile burning impatience into the girls forcing bunts.

3. Sour Sugar Villanelle Forgiving and growing are rules to progress.

Knowledge exceeds our dying truths.

Life is what you make it, and time needs rest.

How is it that I live in distress?

This love is too hard. My mind is losing respect; forgiving and growing will help me progress.

I’ve waited and wanted, created a mess, and my hands hold tears of strife and abuse.

Is this life what I made it? Does time need rest?

My feelings provoked by your access you beg to move on and forget our youth.

Forgiving and growing will be rules to progress.

I’ve lived, loved, and carried this hate beneath my breast.

The road we’ve paved is not nearly smooth.

This life is what we made it, time forgot to rest.

We’ve trusted and forgotten and realized were blessed, to have each other to love, hold, and use.

Forgiving and growing leaves time to progress.

Life works out, we’ll make it, time will rest.

4. Good Life I am an undefined set of numbers the salt of the earth the light of the world darkened by ancestral nature.

I believe in the stars and beyond the stars.

I enjoy nothing more than simplicity.

My skin is dark and soft because I like it that way.

My smile is great when I choose to show it.

I want to learn new things everyday. but I’ll only live to learn enough I want to love.

I am justified by the only living word.

My definition of perfect changes with everything I encounter.

I dangerously enjoy food and could sleep forever.

I’m in love with so many things that love is an indefinite feeling.

My definition of paradise would be music vitamin water some personal poetry my bible the supple wind and the sun and life is so great because it has just begun.

5. A New Phenomenon By Brandy Hill History has revealed an answer upon distressed Americans Here we are finally given the opportunity to exercise our rights rights taken away when we are challenged with the restraints of dominance right violated when equalities were tested and difficulties occur with the portrayal of skin color rights neglected in the face of more than one opinion history has granted our opportunity and now our dreams can exceed the realms of our minds God has spoken to his people those recovering from the societal conforms of this world He has placed his healing hand upon us and here we stand with the vigor to stop considering possibilities of reform and embrace the promises of change

We should be capable of identifying with assurances rather than trying to make sense of man’s opinion Something inside us should yearn to embrace a man who has contemplated on our difficulties economically and educationally A man who is capable of providing Americans with a substantial future A man who will fight to pull us out of societal debt and will keep us growing on the fruits of an organized country We owe ourselves this change we owe ourselves the time to bathe in assurance of a prominent man we owe ourselves the quiet of violence and relief of pain we owe ourselves the opportunities of an American we owe ourselves unlimited possibilities we owe ourselves stable support and decision we owe ourselves the realities of trusting in a new phenomenon 6. Luchini (dedicated to an overnight life and funky beat) the wind from underneath the sliding glass door wrestles and nips my toes while my pizza hot pocket burnt tongue traces the roof of my mouth the searing thud from my self pierced ear aligns with the beat of my heart and my Clementine smelling hands trace indents of the green leather armrest on the love seat and the ingrown hair on my left eye-brow my phone sits on silence all on the armrest so I can see the orange screen if it rings and so it doesn’t beep in and out of service and wake up my parents who hear every little thing besides the T.V. and the door opening I’ve done it all before and I watch channel 144 a little lower than usual I watch Lil-Wayne, Akon, and Wyclef glorify money

and a beautiful girl and Jay-Z & the boys tell the people drinks is on the house on vh1 soul music ain’t no drinks in my house I thought soul meant old school music, where do the Isley Brothers and Earth Wind and Fire fall in on Vh1 soul music Stevie Wonder and Whitney, Michael Jackson and Guy, SWV and TLC my soul holds music of doubtfulness and you wont hear it tonight I guess your soul is too busy listening to forgetfulness instead of the fun we shared last night 11:50, 12:00, and 1:30 all go past on the black cable box with orange lights while I fight back a yawns attributes tears surely they aren’t for you, just natural tears and I watch an attractive male face flash by while I flick through the channels we made our favorites, with that attractive red button it’s late, it’s early one button for favorites it only would’ve only took one button to call me , you know the little one with the picture of just the talking part of an old house phone I love the gold polish on my finger nails while I throw up gang signs and peace I learned the way you taught me I want you to know I’m bored I stayed awake because you told me to wait and now later on I’ll look for you in my missed call history look at the empty spot next to me & eat another Clementine bangin some old school Camp Lo Luchini 7. Confessions of a “Christian” writer The alphabet and brand new notebooks stimulate my mind

a utensil pressing play on my hands and fast forward on my brain and day’s past become my story for today while today remembers my past and future is experienced forever while a novel sends my sense of imagination soaring Initiating extended dreams and new thoughts I am new, reborn in the body with unexplainable feeling and passions to install relief to give and freedom to be the physique of a male vocalist realizing his wrong doing and desires gives me the ability to sing in harmony and experience being loved from a distance his voice reaching beyond my heart but to my desire for reassurance while a young rapper inspires me to rap and harden my heart to victims and hate everything except money, or become a hard core poet expressing coded words that I can only understand professional men causing my jealousy, my admiration, and my examination do they care about me?

Only if I consider myself one of them I could be a variant of their gray?

Variants of light help images reappear in my mind and confinement makes me at ease with the dark I see them and me for what we are strong The world broadcasting all forms of propaganda My only choice is to half believe, therefore committing to myself a crime for not being nearly as true as I could be It’s the advertisement creating half excitement half suspense to what the new thing is, confining myself to temporary fulfillment And the news half bad half good helping me only to half listen and not care, maybe just write about it And the government, my best friend from a distance giving me the opportunity to pursue anger, destroy my life and fight for liberation how could I not love them, love life Free is my style, my proclamation, my dream Hungry I always be, Ghetto I’ve never been Everything I always eat

Wait I take that back Love has always come, but, so far I’ve completely missed him Or I’ve been expecting the wrong love man, It’s just the fam’s love right and through here and ain’t nuthin wrong with that Naturally chunky, I ain’t never reached fat or skinny although the scales lie overweight It’s all muscle I say My momma… an infinite amount of thanks could be to her for life undeserved Made sure I had what I needed before I had what I wanted Installed in me manners and respect Did what mothers should do And everything she possibly could do and I’m Good is my theme song I’m so good that my damage doesn’t overweight the power of my stability, maybe just the control of my response Ahead is where I look and behind, I’m trying to let go Being at one with God gives me the ability to realize that I can never experience too much, and pain is at first a battle in the mind and then a weathered tolerance Never will I know how he endured it all there is a value beyond image, life isn’t at face value depth lies within origins in the mind, it takes personal initiative to explore it.

Write is what I do and experience is how I do it I haven’t reached historical, but inspirational I aim to master being true I promise, continue to write I will 8. “Life don’t owe you nothing” -August Wilson Fences Exertion Momma home late again dropping the brown paper bags in the windy doorway I dragged my feet on the carpet to hug momma she kissed my cheek her wet matted dark brown hair her sweaty neck her stubby legs her weakened arms

her glassy veined filled eyes I helped momma picking up some things she didn’t say much motioned for the groceries to get into the kitchen she followed and acknowledged the grey-beige walls the faded kitchen light flickering she rinsed out a pan with cold water and looked helplessly around I stood there twiddling with the things I found outside today “what you worried about momma” my momma was drying the pan pulling a lighter out of her dingy work coat she lit the stove “you happy with what you have?” I looked down at my black and gray socks my red truck t-shirt and favorite blue jeans the marble I stole off the side walk balled in my hand I didn’t answer decided to answer myself “I ain’t worried momma,” I pulled out a rock this cool rock with black grooves and gray edges handed it to her she held it in her hand and gave it back “wash your hands honey, help your momma out in the kitchen” she reached in her pocket and put the receipt with purple ink a nickel two dirty pennies and a one on the table I pushed a chair to the sink and counted 3 Mississippi while I washed my hands she handed me a potato that was soaking all day big as my hand I held it It was warm “Peel it” and I did

the peels felt like skin thin skin and momma used her forearm to wipe her forehead I could see the heat rising from the stove then she looked me in the eyes one eye brow up and one down her hand clutched on the wooden spatula spreading sizzling butter in the rusted pan the grooves in mommas face was hard her eyes more glassy “don’t you ever expect to get what you want just cause you worked for it, keep working but life don’t owe you nuthin, you’ll get what you deserve” and she turned her head I wanted to think momma wasn’t tellin me she was thinking out loud I watched the cloudy smoke rise from the burner to a tan spot in the ceiling I played with the soggy skin a little longer and nodded my head 9. Thinking About You I have a test that I’m not ready for so I just begin to study.

I stare at the girl in uniform but we don’t have these here. Sarah has skull socks, black and blue and the tissue box is almost empty.

Her chest is open to cool air, my nail is broken and it reminds me of the day we both found out we were doublejointed in the hands and that we got our braces off around the same time.

These Goth girls wear black. Darker than the red dickies you always wear.

Dom’s dog tags jingle every time he walks past.

Reminds me of how you carry your keys when we hold hands.

The test is over and I have a brown dot on my white shoe.

I roll my eyes, and remember your eyes when you wear hazel contacts.

My nose is running and I finally smell his breath.

Coffee and the homeroom bell rings.

I accidentally wrote your name on my test and I’m too embarrassed to say it’s mine while everyone look around for you.

10. A Questionnaire Describe your early education.

Attending schools where I was both majority and minority.

Little conversations between mommy, daddy and me.

I was used to writing them all down to read later.

In the kitchen where meals were made, dazed in and out of grandpa’s stories.

Dodged in and out of televisions world fame and glory.

What is your permanent address?

A room aligned with a bathroom to which the door continues to open and close.

A castle of power where my bed does lay, against warm detergent scented sheets.

I live here intertwined with family and life and the world.

Time here is always rudely interrupted by a call to wash the dishes.

Male or Female A creature with features both captivating and stunning.

Brown almond skin not similar to honey.

I’m gorgeous can’t be judged by my spontaneous hair.

Strong and independent, but nearly alone.

Are you married?

Married to the ritual of becoming smarter, in which I have not choice but to succeed.

Married to the act of the sorry, to tease and taunt.

Married to the life of the devoted, in where I give my all to one man, God. I developed the skills of an average groupie, single and this everyday life married to me.

Describe a crucial event in you life.

Gone in sixty seconds, in the blink of an eye He left and I’m still here.

Going on with life as if he doesn’t exist.

Just like that.

Another human mistake.

But what if you were here or I there with you, or we together again like family?

No biggie now, huh? Its been so long.

List your honors and awards.

Power to accomplish the obstacles set in front of me.

I’m here where some don’t even get the chance to live.

I’m here and God made me with a breath of uninterrupted life.

Created one if not like all, to be here to serve him, and I have the honor to shine.

Give a brief statement of your plans.

To become my dreams and surroundings.

A light for all to see.

To rise to the challenge with humbleness and internal power, self dependence, and self love.

To accept those things I cannot change and adopt to any surroundings.

Copping with life and its many changes I become one with life.

After Mediation Belief in a mystery mysteriously life unfolds sending chills down your back.

Misfortunate the life of those misleading.

Misunderstood the use of peace, calm which is distant love which is hard clueless real smooth lifeless still breathless.

Contained peace the flows grows airy misty beauty break free.

Glide through silent sound locked thoughts mixed emotion.

Dreamy long living irreplaceable state of mind.