Empathy in Change

Molly King Many people have this idea of the “American dream.” From a young age, children are shown movies and television shows about princes and princesses, what high school is like, and teen romance. Unfortunately, these entertainment platforms are unrealistic. Most kids will not grow up as a high school’s star athlete in a small town with a white picket fence and both parents in the home, but that is okay. Kids are much more likely to grow up in a low to middle workingclass family that may or may not have two parents in the household. In this scenario, these children need to experience and be shown empathy. In the book The War for Kindness, author Jamil Zaki introduces us to his life as a child of divorced parents. Zaki and I grew up in similar situations, just as so many other children do. When our parents got married, they decided to move to the suburbs, though that did not last very long. Jamil and I were both young when our parents decided to divorce; I was five years old and he was eight. We shared the experiences of watching our parents’ distance themselves, “As my parents receded from each other, they scorched the earth between them” (Zaki 2). This statement is especially hard to read because I know exactly what he means. In many instances, parents will blame the other for the divorce. Understandably, no one wants to take responsibility for splitting the family apart. Unfortunately, if the parental fighting continues after the divorce, it can affect the child’s wellbeing. Hal Arkowitz and Scott O. Lilienfeld, authors of the article “Is Divorce Bad For Children?” write, “Researchers have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict during and after a divorce are associated with poorer adjustment in children.” Similarly, Amy Morin, author of “The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children,” observes, “Intense conflict between parents has been shown to increase children’s distress.” While it is never good for parents to fight in front of children, the divorce period is hard enough as it is. Parents should try their best to make this new process as easy and less hurtful as possible. Empathy at the beginning of a divorce could set the tone for the future of the family. Parents could show empathy in many ways: being okay with the fact that the child may want to confide in someone else, expressing that they don’t know what the child is thinking or feeling, being proactive in starting conversations about the divorce, and seeking an outlet for themselves as well.

During the divorce process, the child can become very confused and may not know how to feel. My parents divorced thirteen years ago and there are still moments when I do not know how to feel. Sometimes, I will talk to my parents about what I am feeling, but most likely I will go to my siblings, friends, or a few trusted adults. This is not because I don’t love or trust my parents, but it is to keep them from feeling sad or guilty. From personal experience, I always want to protect my parents from emotional burdens.

Talking to other people about the problems my parents caused helps because it gives me an outlet while not causing any more emotional angst than is already there. It also helps to talk to an outside source who can be unbiased. As a child of divorce, being shown empathy from others who are not involved in the situation helps a lot because they can give unemotionally charged feedback while also caring about me. While talking through things can help, a lot of the time children of divorce will become very confused, angry, and sad. There will also be many times when the child may not even know what they are feeling, they just know they’re upset. When I was younger, I would become very emotional when my parents would fight, because most of the time, I felt that it had something to do with me; this is common. Amy Morin writes, “children may worry that the divorce is their fault. They may fear they misbehaved, or they may assume they did something wrong” (“Psychological Effect”). While all these things are rolling through the child’s mind, they also must find their new “normal” and a lot of times, only the child can do that. As many children of divorce know, there will be scheduled days of the week where you will spend your time. This can be a hard situation, because a lot of times, kids will have to pack what they will need for the time being and if they forget something, they might be out of luck. Each divorce is unique, not all children of divorce will react the same way to certain things. Therefore, parents need to understand that they may not know what their child is thinking or feeling. It is key for the child to be shown empathy because they are trying to figure out what their life will look like while feeling anxious, confused, angry, and so many other emotions about the situation. Throughout the divorce, and for however many years after, children of divorce need to be shown empathy because it is not their fault their parents divorced; they just need to be reminded of that. Open communication and proactivity of starting conversations can be especially important throughout this process. In many cases, the divorcing parents do not have the same parenting styles. Personally, I have one authoritative parent and another who is more laid back. These different parenting styles can cause issues in the child’s behavior. Something that may be allowed at one house might not be allowed at the other. Similarly, Zaki wrote, “I shuttled back and forth between their houses but might as well have been moving between parallel universes-each defined by its own priorities, fears, and grievances,” (2). It is great that Zaki touched on different parenting styles and the importance of co-parenting. Compromise, led by communication, is imperative to the child’s development of their new “normal.” The psychologist Deborah Serani suggests, “Co-parenting requires empathy, patience, and open communication for success.” When parents have open communication with the child, they can figure out what will and will not work for their unique situation. When empathy is shown in this way, it is helpful to the child by making transitions, holidays, and all-around life better. Not only does empathy improve a child’s wellbeing, but it can provide a smoother and healthier transition for the parents.

Without a healthy transition, one or both parents may have a hard time emotionally, therefore not providing the support their child may need. Zaki notices his mom’s difficulty in dealing with the divorce: “She lost herself in anxiety over how the divorce would affect me, picking out signs that I was in pain and tallying those in a mental ledger of the damage my father had done” (2). Similarly, Arkowitz and Lilienfeld observe, “Divorce frequently contributes to depression, anxiety or substance abuse in one or both parents and may bring about difficulties in balancing work and child-rearing. These problems can impair a parent's ability to offer children stability and love when they are most in need.” My mom had a similar outcome; she was depressed and very confused. She was sometimes unable to express her emotions, so she would hold them all in until there was no more space to do so. To this day, she still cries and says that she feels “extremely guilty” about the divorce, even though there was nothing she could do. Although I love my parents and always want them to be honest with me, sometimes they share too much information with me. In these scenarios, it can make the child feel helpless. Instead, Amy Morin has these suggestions for parents: “Reducing your stress level can be instrumental in helping your child. Practice self-care and consider talk therapy or other resources to help you adjust to the changes in your family” (“Psychological Effect”). Having a trusted companion to talk to can improve the parent-child relationship. Morin continues to say, “A healthy parent-child relationship has been shown to help kids develop higher selfesteem and better academic performance following divorce” (“Psychological Effect”). This also shows that the parents involved in the divorce need to be shown empathy as well. It is a big change for them, so having a companion to talk to would provide the support and understanding from others that the parent(s) may be searching for. Another good reason for parents to have someone to confide in is to reduce the possibility of talking or fighting through the child. Zaki writes, “As they fought through me, I fought to hold on to both. Rather than picking a side, I tried to understand these two good people who were trying to do right by me despite the pain they were in,” (3). In many instances, parents will not only share their emotions with the child, but they will also share their opinions of the other parent with the child. This can cause many moments of hatred, confusion, and sadness for the child. Morin writes, “Kids who find themselves caught in the middle are more likely to experience depression and anxiety” (“Psychological Effect”). Similarly, Serani notes, “Research shows that putting children in the middle of your adult issues promotes feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing children to question their own strengths and abilities.” Coming from personal experiences, I had a very hard time in school when my parents would be going through a fighting period. I would put pressure on myself to be amazing at everything, including school. In the article, “Consequences Kids May Experience If You’re a HighPressure Parent,” Morin writes, “Kids who feel constant pressure to do well in school may stay up late studying and as a result, they may struggle to get enough sleep.” I would end up feeling bad about myself due to the lack of sleep and the fear that I would

be hearing what was bad about my parents, which makes sense. Logically, when someone is hearing negative things about the people who you have come from, you would think badly about yourself. Empathy is an extremely powerful tool in this world. “Empathy actually refers to several different ways we respond to each other. These include identifying what others feel (cognitive empathy), sharing their emotions (emotional empathy), and wishing to improve their experience (empathetic concern)” (Zaki 2). When it comes to children of divorce, I do not believe that one type of empathy is better than another. If people just put in an effort to see and acknowledge the situation and feelings children of divorce go through, it can help. If you do not know what to say or how to help, listen to Zaki; he asserts, “Through practice, we can grow our empathy and become kinder as a result,” (15). Now, I understand it could be an awkward conversation, and the child might not even want to open up, but if they see someone cares, it will make a world of difference. If parents show empathy through being okay with the fact that the child may want to confide in someone else, expressing that they don’t know exactly what the child is thinking or feeling, being proactive in starting conversations about the divorce, and seeking an outlet for themselves, something good will come of it. Zaki said it best, “Empathy’s most important role, though, is to inspire kindness: our tendency to help each other, even at a cost to ourselves,” (4).

References

Amy Morin, LCSW. “The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children.” Verywell Family, 6 Aug. 2019, www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170. Arkowitz, Hal. “Is Divorce Bad for Children?” Scientific American, Scientific American, 1 Mar. 2013, www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-badfor-children/. Accessed 18 September 2020 Morin, Amy. “Consequences Kids May Experience If You're a High-Pressure Parent.” Verywell Family, 28 July 2019, www.verywellfamily.com/thedangers-of-putting-too-much-pressure-on-kids-1094823. Serani, Deborah. “The Do's and Don'ts of Co-Parenting Well.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 28 Mar. 2012, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/twotakes-depression/201203/the-dos-and-donts-co-parenting-well. Zaki, Jamil. The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World. Crown, 2019.