Struggles With Boundaries and How to Reclaim Them

By: Misty Roussa

Women are natural caregivers. We go in so many different directions on any given day. By the time we settle into bed at night, we start to wonder if we did a good job and if there was something else that we could have done. Between trying to please our families and trying to juggle all of the things that are constantly being thrown at us, we are sometimes barely treading water.

But we rarely speak up for ourselves. We just take on more. We constantly wonder if there is more that we can do, even when we feel like we cannot take on one more thing.

“I don’t want to make anyone upset.” “I don’t want to miss out on anything fun.” “What if they think I am tough to work with?” “I need to appear as if I have it all together.” “I don’t want to let my family down.”

Speaking up feels almost unnatural to a lot of women. We are scared of failing our families and scared of failing our friendships. There is a level of perfectionism that we put on ourselves that prevents us from listening to our own needs. The fear of rejection, or fear of not being accepted, keeps many from setting boundaries with our family members or those from our social circles.

Boundaries are necessary for our mental health. They are not a form of giving up, nor are they something that exists to make the other person upset. Boundaries help protect our emotional needs, our self-esteem, and help us to obtain goals that we might have for ourselves. In contrast to what we believe, setting boundaries can make our relationships with others better.

But how do we set healthy boundaries? Can it be done without making us feel like we are just throwing in the towel?

AT HOME

Establishing boundaries with your family can sound like you are putting distance between yourself and those whom you love the most. However, establishing boundaries and teaching boundaries to kids is an extremely important part of parenting. Children will always try to push their boundaries and see exactly what they can get away with. On the flip side, as parents, we want to fix everything and prevent our children from feeling pain. Setting boundaries with our children lets them know where we stand and what our expectations are of them.

Communicating is key to establishing boundaries. Writing expectations out, talking about them, and setting yourself as an example of the behavior that you expect, is a clear way of setting boundaries within your home.

AT WORK

Burnout is real, and by always constantly taking on more at work and not setting boundaries, we are essentially setting ourselves up for failure at our workplace. Boundary setting with our boss, coworkers, and clients can keep us less resentful of our job

and show others that you require respect. Taking on an additional project, when our workload is already at full capacity, is counterproductive, yet we do it anyway because we assume by taking on more, we are showing our loyalty to our job. A lot of the time, we refuse to set any work limitations out of fear of being reprimanded or even fired. Setting healthy boundaries is not a way of defiance, but a way to show that you value yourself and that your workplace should value your time.

For instance, your issue might be that work leaves you little-to-no time to do the things that you enjoy doing. Having a conversation about when it is ok and when it is not ok to contact you outside of the workplace, or when you are not available for overtime, can show that you know your worth as an employee.

WITH FRIENDS

Our friendships are our internal support systems. Friends are who we turn to when we need to vent, share excitement with, and stand beside us during life’s biggest challenges. But like work and home, our friendships should also have boundaries. Boundary setting is necessary for both our own emotional well-being, as well as our friends’. If your friend is only available when she needs you, but fails to offer the same support when you need her, be honest with how you are feeling. It is okay if you let them know how you feel and what you expect out of your friendship. All of us want mutually beneficial, healthy friendships. Setting boundaries in friendships leaves little guesswork on how you would like to be treated as a friend. If we are feeling as if our friendships are leaving us drained, communicating could save our friendships and put us in a much better place.

Boundaries allow us to take some of our power back. Oftentimes we lose our own identity when caring for others, and we put ourselves last. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to speak up for ourselves and putting ourselves first again.