MISPRINTS, VOLUME IV, NUMBER XXXII, DECEMBER 2006

V O L U M E I V, N U M B E R X X X I 1

DO NOT OPEN BEFORE 25 December 2006

The Lost Issue

misprints

SUSPECT CHARGED

UNDER OLD MANAGEMENT Page 10

IN MURDER OF PMRS!

P

SEE PAGE

MRS

MRIA?TO BAN USE OF PAGE NUMBERS IN QUALITATIVE REPORTS DETAILS ON PAGE WHOLike, ISit’ll“MRS probably P”? be about the same - Vendela FULL STORY ON PAGE

VOX EDITORIUM

“When I see something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, I figure there must be a damn good reason for it” Peter De Vries EXCRETA TAURUS CEREBRUM VINCIT

One More Time

comments misprints onA fewtheEditorial current issue...

VOLUME IV, NUMBER XXXII

DECEMBER 2006

highlights

The Front Cover

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Vox Editorium

2

Who Is Mrs. P?

3

Vox Populi

4

Naval Gazing

8

Shocking Arrest!

10

A Sexy ‘07 Calendar

11

New Theme Park

12

Flora & Fauna

13

Blue Chip Advertisement

16

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• M I S P R I N T S • December 2006

# We’re honoured that Margaret Atwood has agreed to be in charge of our popular Letters to the Editor section. This issue of MISPRINTS will be a valuable keepsake, given the fact that she has personally signed each copy with her amazing “UNOTCHIT” pen. # Although the MRIA plans to ban the use of page numbers in both qualitative reports and research newsletters, as you’ll see on the left MISPRINTS intends to ignore the ban and continue with our traditional numbering system. # In a landmark (and potentially lucratiave!) decision, the Provisional Board has decided to recognize a series of carefullyscreened products as “The Official – of the Provisional Marketing Research Society” ... kind of like the appointments the Royal Family makes. See our back cover for the first such designation. The Board is currently reviewing submissions for the honour of being named “The Official Used Car Lot, etc.”

# We certainly hope that this issue will reach our readers on time. Just as we were completing our final proorfeading step, we learned that (for some reason) the F.B.I. is attempting to halt our distribution – not only in the U.S., but in Canada as well. (I wonder if they could be sensitive about the Cheney story and the one on American citizens fleeing the country?) In addition, your Editor’s name has been put on a U.S. “No Fly” list, barring him from travel to the States. Damn! So much for Buffalo Chicken Wings! Good thing the Bills are moving to Toronto. # Finally, I’m delighted to announce that the Provisional Board of Directors has awarded me tenure as Editor of MISPRINTS! I CAN’T BE FIRED!! Take that, you critics!

BEST

W

ISHE for S TO a ha ALL ppy 2007 and ! (Y Cale our 07 profitab nd le R avai ar shoul esearch labl d be e sh ortl y) v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

M Y S T E R Y S O LV E D !

The (Other) Qual Col

What Is the Explanation for the Mysterious “Mrs. P.” Signs That Have Been Appearing All Over Toronto?

MRS.

P P MRS!

The Plan

The Reality

Recently many of the “Green P” signs for the Municipal Parking lots in Toronto have had the designation “Mrs.” added above the letter “P”. The curiosity level is high; who is “Mrs. P.”?

MISPRINTS investigative reporters have uncovered the surprising explanation for the alterations. Apparently it was part of a scheme by the Government In Exile to convince the research public that PMRS had risen from the dead – a scheme gone badly awry.

After issuing an RFP for the project, the PMRS leaders selected an organization called Corporate Graffiti to underake the work.

“Obviously we chose the wrong buzz marketing firm”, said a PMRS spokesgeezer. “This underlines yet again the dangers of always going with the lowest bidder.”

Apparently there are no plans to attempt to alter the “P” signs at this point. Instead, watch for some provocative additions to a number of red STOP signs at Toronto intersections. v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

December 2006 • M I S P R I N T S

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, VOX it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITOR POPULI

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s we pointed out in our Christmas ‘05 issue, (page 5), celebrated Canadian author – and former CF researcher – Margaret Atwood has graciously agreed to serve as the “Letters to the Editor” Editor for MISPRINTS.

Ms. Atwood will select the best dozen or so letters for each issue from the over 100 that we typically receive. In addition, on occasion she will assist us by “creating” one or more letters from readers that reflect what she is sure they would have written if they had her literary ability.

As a special bonus for MISPRINTS subscribers, Ms. Atwood’s remarks below have been individually signed in each copy of the newsletter with a “Long Pen”, using the “UNOTCHIT” technology that she invented.

In Reply to Your Reply “Innocent journalists”?!?

Don’t forget I’ve seen your escutcheon, and it already looks like a Dalmatian!

No one would even notice one more stain!

Greetings to MISPRINTS Readers

Ann Ominous

I was delighted to be asked to serve as an Assistant Editor with one of my favourite publications.

What was that old saying about the pot and the kettle?

The quality of the writing in MISPRINTS is second to none in Canada, and I’ll do my part to try to maintain it.

Margaret Atwood

Moreover...

Editor, Letters to the Editor

To Our “Distinguished” Editor Word on the street has it that the Canada Post Award (Vol. 7, No. 31) and the commemorative stamp you were so proud of may be rescinded (retroactively) following evidence that you tested positive for steroids.

Well? What’s it going to be? Deny, deny, deny?

Anne Croyahb

What blog did you get that off? It wasn’t steroids; I tested positive for Altoids !

And at the time the award was announced the popular British mints were not on the list of banned substances published by APReN (The Association of Parody Research Newsletters).

It’s this sort of ill-informed malicious gossip that results in innocent journalists getting stains on their escutcheons.

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• M I S P R I N T S • December 2006

And speaking of your stamp, what’s this reference to a “recent photo”?

That one has to be at least five years old!

East Virginia When was the last time you actually saw me in person? (When was the last time anyone actually saw me in person, for that matter?) v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

VOX POPULI

Department of Clarification For a while there I kept hearing about someone named “Comrade Black” every time I turned on the TV. And then I saw him referred to again in the piece on Uncle Thom and the MISPRINTS archives (Vol. 7, No. 31).

Who is this guy anyway? Some Commie?

The Gaddfly F.Y.I., Black is a former newspaper baron who at one time did control MISPRINTS, and influence our Editorial policy.

(Congratulations to Mike, by the way, on his new online division, cleverly named eGadd.)

To Our Embattled Editor The reference to “Lard Black” reminded me... aren’t you embroiled in some controversy over non-compete payments yourself?

Even Steven There’s no “controversy”.

The (Other) Qual Col

To MISPRINTS Readers Current MRIA policy states that a person who has passed the CMRP exam can not continue to use the designation without paying money each year to the Association.

Here at Queen’s we love this idea!

Beginning this year our Graduates will no longer be able to refer to their degrees without making substantial annual contributions to our Alumni Association. What a great new source of income!

Dr. E. K. Vollebregt Former CMRP Hmmmm. Maybe we should try the same thing with respect to membership in the Provisionals? On the other hand...

To the Provisional Ombudswoman

In our most recent Annual Report I made public the information that I had received non-compete payments from The Watchtower, Hustler and Scientific American, totalling $875,412.

What do you make of the following item from yesterday’s Report on Business?

So your point is?

Quebeckers just love their bosses.

To the Consigliere A little while ago I noticed a headline in The Globe and Mail announcing “Ottawa to unveil Italian redress package”.

Do you have any further information on the initiative?

Muscles Marinara Thank God! It’s about time! The clothes those people wear are a National disgrace.

Take Paul Acerbi and Mauer Chiarello, for one...

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Bosses are a popular lot in Quebec: 86 per cent of workers like their boss a lot and another 49 per cent like them “fairly well”... according to a survey for the Ordre des CRHA et CRIA du Quebec (ORHRI).

Is this an example of that “French Canadian overstatement” phenomenon that I’ve heard about?

R. Cliffe Editor in Exile This looks like a job for SPERM! We’ll forward your question to somebody named Pierre.

December 2006 • M I S P R I N T S

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, VOX it’s still worth doing well.” THE EDITOR POPULI

Speaking of Redress Programs...

(And of kettles and pots...)

That was a really dapper jersey you were wearing in your recent photo in The Sun! The Day-Glo colours looked even more ridiculous on their website.

Do you use the same wardrobe consultant as Stephen Harper?

Constance Reider I’m shocked to learn that any MISPRINTS subscribers actually read The Sun – especially you!

I’ll let our readers judge for themselves who has the better fashion sense.

To the Editorial Board My second-favourite newsletter is offering its subscribers an interesting incentive to encourage reader feedback. (See ad at right) I was thinking that maybe MISPRINTS could try exactly the same thing?

Princess Starshine We’ll take it under advisement. (But I think maybe you’ve been living on that farm too long. Or are you possibly suffering from Mad Soy disease?)

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VOX POPULI

The (Other) Qual Col

To the MISPRINTS Staff Enjoyed your spread on the history of MISPRINTS (Vol. 7, No. 31, page 11). As someone who prides himself/herself on having a complete collection of the newsletter, I seem to have several old issues that weren’t shown. (See the cover reproductions below.)

What’s the story? Are these genuine editions?

Mr./Ms. Bob Wood P.S. What were you supposed to be representing on the cover of the December ‘05 issue... The Phantom of the Grand Ole Opry?

Well they’re sort of genuine. These were issues that were actually produced, but then recalled for legal reasons. You own some valuable collectors’ items!

As I Was Saying...

The reference to the page you devoted to a display of past covers reinforces the point I was making in my last letter.

You’ve gone beyond being self-referential and are now simply wallowing in navalgazing.

Frank the Crank And proudly so! See our feature on Naval Gazing on pages 8-9.

(By the way, how’s the Book Club going? One of your fellow members told us that when Moby Dick was announced you asked if that was some type of venereal disease.) v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

To the MISPRINTS Circulation Dept.

I was very disappointed to hear that subscription charges for MISPRINTS are scheduled to go up yet again.

What happened to the plan to develop a whole roster of Blue Chip advertisers as an alternative source of revenue?

The proposed new rates will be particularly onerous for international readers such as myself The Greene Giant Midland, Ontario When we put this question to our Business Manager, Dan QuelCoon, his reply (“Advertisers?? We don’t need no stinkin’ advertisers!!”) left us wondering whether we had chosen the right man for the job.

But he has finally sold one Blue Chip ad. (See our outside back cover.) Come to think of it, how many other Blue Chip advertisers are out there?

December 2006 • M I S P R I N T S

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s stillGAZING worth doing well.” THE EDITOR NAVAL

A

s 2006 comes to a close, the number of Americans fleeing to Canada from the U.S. has grown from a trickle to a flood, putting a huge strain on our economic infrastructure as we attempt to absorb these unfortunate refugees.

Canadian patrols have been strengthened all along our so-called “Undefended Border” to turn back the would-be immigrants.

Our Mid-West U.S. correspondent, Janet Hawkins, has forwarded the following report from the daily paper in her new home town of Columbus, Ohio:

Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-dodgers The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among leftleaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O’Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

“He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, carload without a drop of drinking waGreenfield erected higher fences, but ter. They did have a nice little Napa the liberals scaled them. So he tried in- Valley cabernet, though.” stalling speakers that blare Rush LimWhen liberals are caught, they’re sent baugh across the fields. “Not real back across the border, often wailing “I went out to milk the cows the other effective,” he said. “The liberals still got loudly that they fear retribution from day, and there was a Hollywood pro- through, and Rush annoyed the cows conservatives. Rumors have been circuducer huddled in the barn,” said Man- so much they wouldn’t give milk.” lating about the Bush administration itoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose Officials are particularly concerned establishing re-education camps in acreage borders North Dakota. The about smugglers who meet liberals near which liberals will be forced to drink producer was cold, exhausted and hun- the Canadian border, pack them into domestic beer and watch NASCAR gry.

Volvo station wagons, drive them races. In the days since the election, lib8

• M I S P R I N T S • December 2006

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NAVAL GAZING

The (Other) Qual Col

erals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawarence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

Dr. Vollebregt spots a tall ship – a very tall ship – approaching Kingston

reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on In an effort to ease tensions between postage stamps. The president is deterthe United States and Canada, Vice mined to reach out.”

President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that As a result of this unsettling situation, the administration would take steps to the Federal Govoernment has asked the

The Past Pres for Life volunteered to cover the night shift

Provisionals to reactivate The Laura Secord Society, a group formed after the War of 1812 to watch for American ships crossing Lake Ontario to invade Canada. We’re seeking volunteers from our membership to serve three-hour shifts of Naval Gazing at varoius points along the lakeshore.

A smuggler’s ship with over 1,743 illegals sets out from Rochester v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

December 2006 • M I S P R I N T S

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When a thing’s not worth T doing doing H E at S all, H Oit’s C Kstill I Nworth G AR R E well.”

S T ! THE EDITOR

I

n a truly stunning development, U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney has been charged by Toronto Police with the murder of PMRS in January 2005, following a massive two-year investigation.

As we understand the story, the VP was in Toronto two years ago to discuss the crisis in the illegal immigration of U.S. citizens. (See previous story.) A dedicated hunter, he requested an opportunity to try to “bag a couple of polar bears” in Downtown Toronto’s High Park, which is where the “accidental” shooting apparently occurred.

A MISPRINTS reporter was present when Cheney was brought into the 52 Division Police Station, and observed that the Vice-President did not appear to be taking the situation seriously. He

Only one of Cheney’s previous victims survived. is alleged to have remarked to Police “Who did you say I’m supposed to have shot? Whoever it was, I peppered him pretty good!”

Cheney was released after posting $1 million (U.S.) in bail, and was immediately escorted back to Washington

by F.B.I. agents, where he is claiming

diplomatic immunity.

PMRS apparently represents the seventh “accidental” shooting by Cheney.

Several American bloggers are now claiming that he has been a Mafia hitman for many years, and was directly involved in the assassination of President Kennedy.

Witnesses heard Cheney yell “Pull!” before the fatal shooting.

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CALENDAR PREVIEW

The (Other) Qual Col

Ladies! This is the calendar you’ve been waiting for!

You’ve seen Policemen, Firemen,Athletes, and now...

The Men of Marketing Research

Coming Soon You’ll see Research “Superstars” such as Dan QuelCoon, Frank Jacobson and Even Steven Levy in provocative – but tasteful – poses that most of you have only dreamed about. Twelve full-colour photos.

The Provisional Marketing Research Society

2007 v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

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When a thing’s not worth doing it’s T still THE EDITOR A atNall, EW H Eworth M E doing P A Rwell.”

K

Measurement Park Open to Public The Provisional Marketing Research Society is proud to announce that – in cooperation with the City of Toronto – we have opened the first Marketing Research Theme Park in Canada. In Canada? In the World!

Measurement Park is located at the intersection of Queen Street and Kingston Road in Toronto’s East End – not far from the Q Club, where the Provos were founded in 1989.

The new Park features a series of colourful blue and yellow “Polling Poles”, enabling young visitors to calculate the sampling error for various types of studies (including focus groups – another first!).

In addition, Senior Provisional researchers will be stationed in the Park each day to explain simple concepts such as chi squared and analysis of covariance to the eager youngsters.

Measurement Park should be a “must” for a family visit during the March School Break. (The snow might even be gone by then.)

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FLORA

The “Why Don’t I Ever Get to Work on Projects Like This?” Department The case (of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer) has… cast the spotlight anew on the enduring world of high-end prostitution.

“The reality is it is prevalent,” says market researcher and author Russ Alan Prince, who has studied the phenomenon. “There are some very exotic sexual experiences you can have.”

Mr. Prince surveyed 661 people who own private jets and have a personal wealth of about $90 million each. He found that 34% of men and 20% of women had paid for sex within the past five years.

The Globe and Mail

The (Other) Qual Col

No More Page Numbers!

Myron Rusk, Chair of the MRIA Anti-Numeric Committee, has confirmed that, as of January 1, 2007, reports on Qualitative research may no longer use page numbers.

“This is simply a logical extension of our earlier ban on the use of numbers in the body of qualitative reports” Rusk told reporters at an MRIA Press Conference in Ottawa.

In response to a question asking if eliminating page numbers was not, perhaps, “going too far”, Rusk replied “Is the phrase ‘slippery slope’ one that you’re familiar with? Allow page numbering and next thing you know they’ll be reporting findings from focus groups to three decimal places!”

Voting on a separate motion to extend the ban on page numbers to parody research newsletters was postponed to a future meeting.

Watch TV – A Provo Product Do you find the screens on mobile phones just too large for your liking when you want to watch a good movie?

The Provisionals have the answer – WATCH TV, a television set that you can wear on your wrist, with a screen that’s just one-half inch in diameter!

Try watching a movie like “Lord of the Rings” on your sophisticated new WATCH TV. We’re sure you’ll agree that it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. The battle scenes are amazing!

Visit your nearest MISPRINTS dealer for a demonstration.

Recall Notice Exceeds

Expectations!

I

n a recent issue we asked subscribers to return copies of Vol. 2, No. 14 to their nearest MISPRINTS dealer for adjustments to the catalytic converter.

Tongue in cheek (where else?), we stated that we were hoping for 110% co-operation.

Well, talk about compliance!

A total of 666 copies of that particular issue were in circulation, but over 1,000 were returned to our dealers!

MISPRINTS subscribers really are special people.

Models available from $99 to $299 v i s i t u s a t : w w w. m i s p r i n t s . c a

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When a thing’s not worth doing at all, it’s still FA U worth N A doing well.” THE EDITOR

EDUCATIONAL BULLETIN After several unexplained delays, Pierre Belisle has launched his long-awaited Nude Moderating Training Course. (See MISPRINTS Vol. 1, #27.) Perhaps the original proposed start date of January ‘02 was ill-advised.

Contact your nearest Provisional Office for details on the next session.

Another Referendum?

The SPERM Separatist Movement has again demanded that the Quebec aile of the Provisional Society should secede from the National organization.

The precipitating factor this time was the “humiliation” inflicted on the Francophone cadre by Pres for Life Les Jones when he omitted the E-word in referring to our Quebec branch (Le Société Provisoire pour L’Epanouissement de la Recherche en Marketing) in his Speech from the Throne in the December 2005 issue.

A preliminary vote on secession has resulted in a deadlock: In favour of Secession

Opposed to Secession

Maggie Faddoul Pierre Belisle Pierre Legendre

Kersti Biro Peter Goodisland Victoria Lubawin

Both sides are demanding a recount.

It’s Hard to Predict Stuff Especially related to the future.

The Insurgents –An Update A small group of elderly rebels continues to resist the MRIA takeover of PMRS (MISPRINTS, Vol. 4, #30).

The recent AMA Marketing Research Conference drew When our War Correspondent last visited the insurgents’ only 23 registrants to Des Moines, Iowa, despite positive camp in the hills south of Toronto, their aging troops were result from a survey on “plan to attend”. training in wheelchairs.

As you’ll see from the accompanying photo, they’ve now invested in a fleet of state-of-the-art Segways, news that we’re sure will strike fear into the hearts of the new Governing body.

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F FILLER LORA

Construction Progress Report

C

onstruction on the magnificent new Headquartres Building for the Provos is proceeding, but running just a little behind schedule. Looks like we may miss the planned opening date of May 15 ‘06 by a couple of years. (See MISPRINTS Vol. 7, No. 31.) Leaving 2323 Yonge may have been a case of premature evacuation.

The upgraded office for your Editor has been completed, however. See photo at right.

Provo Float Wins Trophy For the first time this year the Provisionals entered a float in the famous Beaches Easter Parade. And we won the Grand Marshal’s Trophy for most creative float!

Our entry featured Meredith Ware in her old Playboy Bunny constume riding in a classic convertible.

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B L U E C H I P A DV E RT I S E M E N T

QUE PASA! The Perfect Accompaniment to MISPRINTS!

QUE PASA! The official blue tortilla chip of the Provisional Marketing Research Society 1 6

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