Belonging | Becoming - Research Paper by Maartje

Belonging Becoming Research Paper

Maartje Aletta Reggin - de Winter

date 16-08-2020 major Lifestyle Transformation Design practice Critical Studies guide Esma Moukhtar student number 0886146 2

INTRODUCTION Motivation Research Questions Short Summary of what follows RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT 1) Christianity and womanhood a) female figures b) from certainty to openness 2) Being a spiritual woman a) Embodiment - Sexual exploration & Purity Culture b) Female figures c) Finding my voice 3) Re-conceptualizing a) Reshaping visuals of Christianity

b) Challenging how I view God & decolonising Christianity

5 6 6

8 8 11 14 14 16 17 19 19 20

TRANSLATION TO VISUALS Goals Process

25 28

CONCLUSION

LIST OF USED SOURCES Futher reading

35 36

Motivation As I started this project, I wanted to design a project for a community I was deeply involved in: the Christian Church. I recognised that Christianity is struggling to stay relevant in our contemporary society. Many churches, especially the one I was still attending at the beginning of my project, are adapting to a more contemporary identity, but this is mainly in their external image, while many of their internal motivations and values remain rooted in the same old fashioned and outdated ideas. I specifically felt there was room for improvement with the role women hold and the way the Christian lens perceives women. My desire starting this project was to create discourse within the Christian community around the role and position of women, about the transformation and emancipation I thought was needed in this area. Could I as a designer create a project that inspired the Church to change to a more inclusive and contemporary community? But, as the project developed, so did I, and I went on a journey of self-discovery and realization of what I was taught about myself as a woman growing up in Christianity. It showed me how I had let much of my beliefs and self-image be decided by others. Especially when it came to feeling like an embodied, sexual being, since the ideas the church perpetuates about sexuality were limiting me from fully being and connecting to myself. I set out to connect with myself without exterior influences. So instead of diving into how to transform an institution that has been around for centuries, I focussed on igniting change within myself and becoming an autonomous spiritual being. In a book that helped me get my thoughts going on the subject of emancipation and sexuality in relation to religion, author and philosophy professor Linda MartĂn Alcoff writes: â&#x20AC;&#x153;[...] it is surely better to put it all out on the table, in public, for the open and messy discussion it will inevitably engender, to ask: what is freedom? what is equality? what is autonomy? what is sacred?â&#x20AC;? (Feminism, Sexuality and the Return of Religion, 2011). While asking myself these questions and searching for how I define freedom and autonomy, I started to notice a transformation manifesting in my own life. So for my project, instead of using my skills as an artist and researcher to ignite change within the Christian community, I decided to focus on how the Christian values and beliefs together with newfound perspectives ignited development in myself. As I searched for my own voice, I wondered what it even meant to me to be a spiritual woman, and what being spiritual entails for me. To me it was the personal connection to the Divine. And to take ownership over this personal bond. I evaluated that I feel closest to the Divine while I am in nature. An early memory of young me sitting at a creek in France comes to mind. Here I was truly me. Here I was complete. Full. One with my surroundings. I spend hours every day at this creek. Just watching, listening; BEING. Alone in the world yet surrounded. With this image in my mind, I continued my search for answers in my quest to autonomy.

Research questions In what way can I as a woman gain spiritual autonomy within Christianity? - What written and visual sources inform me about what the implications for a Christian woman are and what being a spiritual woman in general entails? - With which visual methods can I share this complex personal experience so that it can have an emancipating effect?

Short summary of what follows In the following paper I will discuss different written and visual sources that challenged the views I was taught about women within Christianity and how these new perspectives changed my own certainty about being a Christian. It made me question what being a spiritual woman entails, so I looked for other spiritual women and the common stories we have as a result of growing up in similar faith communities. This gave me tools that helped me discover my own voice. I looked into what I would need Christianity to represent in order to be able to connect with it like before but realized that I had grown so much as a person that I had gone beyond the Christian borders in order to find what really suited me. I then continued on to translate this journey into visuals, landing on the idea of making a zine that tells my story together with the stories of others on a similar journey. In the zine the different layers and complexities of the spiritual transformation me and my friends went through are exposed. This zine can serve as an instigator for others to start their own quest to turn inwards and seek what they desire out of their spiritual journey, as well as create a common space to share and celebrate learning and transformation. It can also be of value for people who recognise themselves in the disconnect between the dispositions they grew up with versus the ones they value now concerning other areas of development.

Maartje at the creek in France

1) CHRISTIANITY AND WOMANHOOD Christianity, like most big monotheistic religions, is not exactly known for its focus on female empowerment. Even more so, it is more well known for its misogyny and patriarchal way of life. A big reason for this is the role the Bible plays in Christian power dynamics. This ancient book is the foundation of Christianity, but the way the book is used often forgets the cultural and historical context. What also often remains unconsidered is that the book is a compiled work from different books brought together years after the stories written in them found place, only being spread orally. On top of that, the idea of myth seems lost on most Christians, and many take the words written in the Bible very literal. Through my journey I learned these things about the Bible, which put what I had been told was the foundation of my faith-life in a completely different light. So as well with the women described in the Bible. Below I will shortly highlight some biblical female figures which to me give a clear image of the different ways the Christian female image is shaped. The way these women are portrayed in contemporary Christianity is heavily influenced by Folk Theology1 and as I dove deeper in their stories and the culture they grew up in on my own, I discovered just how different from what I was taught they actually were. 1a) Female ﬁgures Eve Right at the start of the sacred book we are introduced to our first female character. Just after her introduction as equal to man2, a separation is made that taints her image. According to the story she falls into a trap of deception and becomes responsible for ‘the fall of man(kind)’, introducing sin into the previously spotless world. The image that is perpetuated about this important female character that is said to be the mother of all humankind, is that she is the origin of sin in her inability to resist temptation. Recently, preacher Dale Partridge literally said “Do you ever wonder why the serpent tempted Eve and not Adam? It’s because he knew that the woman was more likely to be deceived”3, perpetuating a view in which women are less than men in God’s eyes. But looking at it with a new perspective, let’s focus on Adam for once. He just stood there and watched without intervening, eating what was given to him. Not a great example to glorify male leadership and superiority of course, so his role is never mentioned. And the blame is conveniently put on Eve. It also shows how preachers use the story to control how women think God thinks about them, which conveniently gives the preacher/man/church control over women. Mary mother of Jesus Mary the Mother of Jesus is portrayed as ‘the Virgin Mary’, and while biblically accurate, this image is taken incredibly far. Mary is made to be pure, holy, innocent and obedient; creating a very unrealistic sexual standard for women trying to strive after the example of a godly woman Mary supposedly inspires in women. In my experience she is never thought of 1 Folk Theology: A set of beliefs, passed down from generation to generation based on tradition, myth, and biblical misunderstanding. It is considered to be the truth since it is what has always been taught. 2 Genesis 1:27 “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” 3 Quoted from a video I accessed via God is Grey’s Instagram page since it seems to have been deleted on Partridges’ personal channel.

or mentioned in sermons after her iconic biblical occurrence conceiving and birthing Christ (and thus, as a sexual being). For an accurate depiction of Mary that doesn’t put such sexual strain on women, I would’ve liked to hear more about Mary after she married Joseph and lived a relatively normal life, about who she was next to the mother of the Messiah. Virgin literally means ‘owned by no man’ and is a very important subject within the patriarchal mindset. The idea of Mary being her own embodied, sexual self without any ‘interference’ of man as she miraculously conceived Jesus is appealing to me. As well as her whole role as a powerful spiritual woman in and off itself, without always having to be associated with being Jesus’ mother. Mary Magdalene In 591 Pope Gregory the Great gave a sermon in which he claimed that the seven demons that Mary Magdalene carried with her according to the Bible signified the seven vices. He also says when talking about the verse where Mary takes perfume and pours it over Jesus’ feet4 that “it is clear, brothers, that the woman previously used the unguent to perfume her flesh in forbidden acts” (The Crucifiction of Mary Magdalene), and with this one statement he breathed into life the misconception about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute that still continues on in 2020. Slowly this idea is being challenged, for example by the 2018 film Mary Magdalene, where she is portrayed as a close follower and friend of Jesus Christ. She rebels against the female status quo that is in place at that time and chooses to leave her hometown and family to follow Jesus. This image shows a much more empowered woman, who took full authority over her life instead of choosing to marry (become ownership of her husband) and birth children (specifically sons, who can carry on her husband’s name), as was the custom. Mary Magdalene was also one of the women who first witnessed the resurrection of Jesus. When she reported what she experienced to the other disciples, the men didn’t believe her experience to be true. So not only now, but also back then she was devalued simply for the fact that she was female. Former dancer, singer and songwriter FKA Twigs brought out an album in 2019 inspired by, and named after, Mary Magdalene. In an interview with Apple Music she says: “Let’s just imagine for one second: Say Jesus and Mary Magdalene are really close, they’re together all the time. She’s his right-hand woman, she’s his confidante, she’s healing people with him and a mystic in her own right. So, at that point, any man and woman that are spending that much time together, they’re likely to be what? Lovers. Okay, cool. So, if Mary had Jesus’ children, that basically debunks the whole of history. Now, I’m not saying that happened. What I’m saying is that the idea of people thinking that might happen is potentially really dangerous. It’s easier to call her a whore, because as soon as you call a woman a whore, it devalues her. I see her as Jesus Christ’s equal. She’s a male projection and, I think, the beginning of the patriarchy taking control of the narrative of women. Any woman that’s done anything can be subject to that; I’ve been subject to that. It felt like an apt time to be talking about it.” (emphasis by me) 4 John 12:13 “Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.”

Tamar The old testament story of Tamar is much less known, but a perfect example of a woman taking faith into her own hands and defying patriarchy. Tamar is a perfect example of a vilified vixen, having got a reputation as a prostitute because the widowed woman dressed up and tempted her father-in-law. It is often said this was out of a desire to ‘fulfil her womanhood’ and birth a son, but it was more about gaining back her rights. When the foreigner Tamar was married to her husband, as it was custom under patriarchy, she became his property and was expected to submit. Before she can conceive her husband dies. As is cultural custom, “the surviving brother and the deceased man’s widow are honour-bound to marry and produce the missing male heir who will assume that vacant spot in the family tree” (James, 2015). But her new husband has no intention to honour this and put his increased inheritance on the line, so he spills his seed on the ground every time they have intercourse, preventing her from conceiving. But he also dies. Thinking Tamar was the reason his sons were dying, the father-in-law sends Tamar back to her own family until his last son is of marriageable age - without intention to follow up on this promise. By patriarchy Tamar didn’t have any value anymore, but also no rights to seek justice. Tamar still sought to restore the family honour of her husband and plots a scheme: the same cultural laws stated that if there were no (willing) brothers to birth a son, then the father of the son takes the responsibility to marry the widowed daughter-in-law. She knows her father-in-law well and while he is drunk and oblivious to her identity, she bargains with him when he wants to sleep with her. She gets pregnant and when she confronts him, he restores her honour exclaiming “she is more righteous than me”5. And next to restoring her honour within her family-in-law, her bold move also makes sure that she gains value again in society. Tamar knows how to ‘cheat’ the system that oppresses her. Bleeding woman Jesus healed Luke 8:43-48 mentions a woman that touched Jesus’ cloak as he is in a big crowd. It says that the woman was ‘subject to bleeding’ (New International Version) or ‘having an issue of blood twelve years’ (King James Version). After research I found out this most likely meant she had a prolonged menstruation, which due to the Jewish rules this meant she was unclean for most of the time so she had no chance to live a normal life since she was not allowed to interact with anyone. I had never before known this was a menstrual problem, probably since it was taboo to talk about this in church settings. Something that stands out for me in this story is the initiative the woman takes when it comes to her healing, and thus, the kind of life she lives. She took matters in her own hand and despite not being allowed to interact with people she reached out to Jesus believing he could heal her. When this bible passage was discussed the focus would often be on Jesus’ healing and on the faith the woman had for believing merely touching Jesus’ clothes would heal her, but I find the idea that she went against the rules to seek out a better life for herself even more impactful. One thing I can conclude from the stories of these women, is how strong the patriarchy and general consensus (most often made by male authorities in the past) have influenced the image that is currently known about these women. Literally and figuratively the women and their stories were owned. Whereas these were all women who have made such a remarkable impact on Christian history that their stories were worth preserving. They were women who took charge of their own lives, spirituality, decisions and health. 5

The Bible, NIV version. Genesis 38:26v

1b) From certainty to openness As I was still attending a church in the beginning of my process, an important realization came at a women’s event the church hosted. Suddenly I saw all this in a new light and realised the underlying scripts that were being acted out. One of the things I noticed was how privileged I was to pass as a ‘girly girl’ - otherwise I might’ve noticed the scripts earlier already. Because the women’s events many churches organise regularly, are very stereotypical girly: the embodiment of the ideal, submissive, prude, serving, charming Christian woman. At the event the stereotype that all attending ladies love shopping, chocolate, cupcakes, creative crafts, giggling, gossiping and dancing, men (of course, it isn’t a real women’s event without mentioning your handsome, strong, wise husband or desire for one) and being/becoming a mother was perpetuated. My friend, who identifies as a woman but is far from being able to compete with this stereotype, said that she “doesn’t feel woman enough to attend”. And as I started asking around, I found that more and more of my friends agreed that they did not enjoy the events because of the shallow reflection of womanhood that was exposed and encouraged in them. One of my friends mentioned how envious she was of the man’s events, because she also wanted to amicably fight and eat barbeque instead of watch fashion shows and eat veggie sticks. I learned that more people had ideas that deviated from the script and also realized that I no longer felt pleasant at these events because of their exclusion and narrow views on womanhood.

I have never been raised in a fundamentalist or very strict religious environment, but the influence of the Christian faith was still very present in my life. As D. Martin says: “(...) religion can, especially through its institutional personification in a church, confer identity upon individuals (Martin, A Theory on Secularisation, 1978). Most of the rules I felt I had to keep were rules perpetuated by the church, not so much my parents. It is in my character to be most comfortable when I follow the rules laid out for me and be more on the background. I’m not someone that easily speaks up, seeks out confrontation or rebels. This submissive, passive attitude is perpetuated by the church as ideal for women. Mainly by Bible verses that are taken wildly out of context and continuously sustained by male pastors. For example, Timothy 2:11-15: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” (emphasis by me). These kinds of verses, and the perpetuated Folk Theology around women, creates a female narrative that I followed for years. But I am also someone that yearns for personal growth, so the situation occurred where I was challenged to get out of my comfort zone and question all the scripts laid out for me. I first had to open myself up and teach myself that it is okay to ‘not know’, to doubt, question and agree with the discomfort. Below I will highlight a few sources and experiences that helped me challenge and expose my beliefs. The Handmaid’s Tale The novel The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood was written in 1985 and depicts a dystopian tale of a totalitarian theocracy. The fictional story follows a Handmaid, a fertile

woman in times of mass-infertility, who is chosen to be the personal ‘baby maker’ for a man in power in the regime. Wikipedia6 describes why the novel is so relevant for my progress in the following summarizing sentence: “The Handmaid’s Tale explores themes of subjugated women in a patriarchal society and the various means by which these women resist and attempt to gain individuality and independence.” The recent (2019) sequel The Testaments gives further insight into how different women stood up to the regime and what ways were used to suppress the women. On a Facebook page of The Liturgists (see below) I read about two famous Evangelical pastors who write a lot of books on marriage and the husband/wife relationship. The similarities between their message and the story told in the two novels shocked me. These books might be dystopian, but they are not so far from reality after all. They helped me realize the chilling path Christianity is on and what future will be created if Christianity continues in the path it currently continues to travel on. It taught me about how much need there is for women stepping up and taking charge of changing the situation. The Liturgists I also became a fervent listener of the Liturgists podcast. This American podcast started back in 2014 with the idea to talk about the intersection between faith, art and science. But, through the development of the makers and listeners, grew out to be “a community where you can ask hard questions and find friends as you wrestle with new ideas” (The Liturgists’ website homepage). It is hosted by Michael Gungor, former Christian musician and worship leader of a big church that has embraced Buddhism and other diverse faithexpressions as much more fitting to his spiritual path; Mike McHargue, aka Science Mike, a science-geek who marvellously explains how science helped him realize that many of the things he was taught to see as truth were just myths (recently left The Liturgists); Hillary McBride, an empathetic therapist who focuses on embodiment and the effects of (religious) trauma; and William Matthews, a Black musician that was writing music for a megachurch before he starting to focus on marrying his artistic skills with advocating against racism, voter suppression and climate change. The openness of the hosts about their own life and struggles, and the topics they dive into together with many guests, helped me place my own thoughts in order. This was amplified by having a community of listeners to learn, question and doubt with. It is quite American, where conservative Evangelical Christianity seems to nearly be the status quo, so my experience (luckily) often hasn’t escalated as far as many of the stories that are told here. But still I can relate to a great many of the experiences, mine are just less extreme or fundamentalistic. It also connected me to many other artists, thinkers and poets that work around the theme of religious deconstruction. ‘God is een moeder’ – theatre show Seeing other people make art about finding ways to marry their own ideas and values together with those around them and how this influences their lives, helped me realise that this was a subject that is also being stirred up amongst others. In the theatre show ‘God is een moeder’ Nazmiye Oral and Marcus Azzini converse about their backgrounds in religion, how they felt excluded and like they didn’t fit in, and the tension between the personal and the communal. In the show there was quite a lot of interaction with the audience. And as they asked questions like: ‘Are there any believers in the room?’ ‘Who here is gay and religious?’ ‘Have you ever excluded someone?’, I was confronted with just how much I had changed. Before I would have been so confident about my beliefs, certain I was “right” and did not affect 6

* shitty source, I know, I just couldn’t possibly put it any better myself

people negatively with my “rightness”. Now I learned to question myself, I realized I did not know the answer to questions like this anymore; I did not know if I was “a believer” or not. And I was comfortable with not knowing. I even liked it and preferred it over knowing. Unorthodox I also saw my subject reflected in the recent Netflix series Unorthodox. In this series a young woman, Esty, who grew up in the ultraorthodox Jewish community in Williamsburg escapes to Berlin to begin a new life. In this series you follow Esty as she starts a new life all by herself. She finally dares to pursue her musical talents, something which she was not allowed to do in her previous life. In the series I recognized myself in how Esty has to struggle to stand up for herself and decide to what extent she wants to loosen her ties with her previous ways. Seeing how fundamentalistic and strict the environment she came from was, made me very grateful I came from a less orthodox and conservative one. In a Volkskrant interview Frieda Vizel, someone who escaped the Chassidic community herself, they talk about the extent to which the series is realistic or not. In it Frieda mentions that even though she is happy to have left the community she does miss some things too. She says that things really matter, like the rituals and sacrifices you make. It has a true meaning to perform these things, like a four-hour Pesach-meal. This resonated with me. As I questioned the practices that had always been so normal to me, I also stumbled upon what meaning I wanted to give certain holidays, like Christmas or Ascension Day. They have so much meaning in the Christian community but how did I want to celebrate these moments and what about them was important to me personally? It also taught me that it is okay to miss some things (even if you don’t want them back), certain rituals or practices that used to be part of daily life that now don’t hold the same significance.

After allowing myself to be open to new ideas, I concluded that the requirements I had to fulfil in order to call myself a (good) Christian woman were very external and exclusive. They were made up or perpetuated by men, and women following these men. Most of them meant that I did not have full authority and autonomy over myself or the people around me. To quote above mentioned writer Margaret Atwood: “A rat in a maze is free to go anywhere, as long as it stays inside the maze”. I felt like I always had to have an answer ready and know what I stood for, but I actually preferred to be open-minded - venture outside the maze, so to say. Mainly because doubting that which I felt like I had to stand for was not always what I actually stood for, it was a community that stood for this, and maybe I didn’t relate to them enough anymore. So, I set out to go after autonomy over my body, mind, surroundings and beliefs.

2) BEING A SPIRITUAL WOMAN In order to be able to know what autonomy over my body, mind, surroundings and beliefs even meant for me, I looked at the effects that repressing different parts of myself had on me. I mainly looked at my sexual embodiment, the area in which I felt like I was most influenced and indoctrinated by the ideologies of the Church. I wouldn’t have made the same progress in this area without some inspiring spiritual women to see how they handled their past experiences and how they themselves found new purpose without the influence of others, so I will shortly mention them too. 2a) Embodiment - Sexual exploration & Purity Culture Many people growing up within Christianity struggle with their sexuality. There is a strong focus on sexual abstinence, ranging from denying ‘impure thoughts’ to complete celibacy. In whatever shape or form, often sexual repression is encouraged1. (Teachings about) Bible verses like “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41 NIV) encourage the power of rational thought over physical experiences. From a young age it is encouraged to not ‘fall into temptation’, for boys meaning that they shouldn’t act upon their lustful thoughts2 and for girls that they should not tempt the opposite sex in any way. In practice this is being taught in a way that one could explain as slut-shaming and the hyper-sexualisation of girls/women; as little as a spaghetti-strap top can already arouse a man beyond saving - the responsibility lays with the prudency of the women here, not in the responsibility the man has over his thoughts. Recently many resources3 have come forward protesting against the Purity Culture4 movement and explaining the effects it has on the people that were brought up with its ideologies. In practice this meant for me that I repressed “my flesh” and desires to a point 1 roles.

This counts for any person, but especially so for people who do not fall into heteronormative gender

2 “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery* with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28 ESV) *adultery both being explained as cheating on a current spouse as well as cheating on a future spouse in the case of the unmarried, since abstinence from any sexual thought and act is expected until marriage. 3 E.g.: the work of platforms like Air.Pockets, the Religious Trauma Institute, the Liturgists, God Is Grey and independent sex educators (Laura Anderson, Erica Smith, Jamie Lee Finch) as well as the following books: Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein, You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity by Jamie Lee Finch and the soon to come out On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies 4 “Purity culture is the name most often used to succinctly describe the Evangelical Christian virginity movement that occurred in the United States from the 1980s through the mid 2000s that attempted to push an agenda of the morality of a “total abstinence until marriage” sexual ethic. Purity culture doesn’t just do damage by labeling dating as dangerous, touting marriage as the most important life goal for females, exclusively offering disinformation regarding gender and sex, promoting vast inequality of the sexes, and encouraging abstinence-only education in public schools; the majority of what comes out of the religious rhetoric is wrapped up in language that describes the physical body the root of all that is evil, or “sinful”. Natural human desires are described as ungodly and dangerous and are required to be suppressed until (implied heterosexual) marriage in order to be holy.” (Jamie Lee Finch. “You Are Your Own”, 2019)

where I did not see myself as a sexual being. I abstained from sex (and up until quite far into my teenage years also kissing) until my marriage and then was expected to have a wonderfully satisfying sex life once married since ‘I favoured God with my choices’. Up until recently I did still not, though being sexually active now, not really see myself as someone with sexual desires. I will not say that I felt like I was missing out. I thought I was satisfied. It wasn’t until I truly dared to lean into my own sexuality and explore it that I realized I missed out on a whole range of pleasure that exceeds physical pleasure or climax. There was a part of myself I had chosen not to know, and it was wonderful to get to know her. In the book Feminism, Sexuality and the Return of Religion Kelly Brown Douglas quotes Christian ethicist James Nelson’s definition, “[Sexuality] is who we are as body-selves who experience the emotional, cognitive, physical and spiritual need for intimate communion-human and divine.” (Embodiment: An Approach to Sexuality and Christian Theology, 1978) as she makes the point that “sexuality involves our self-understanding and our way of relating in the world as embodied, gendered beings”. This self-understanding leads to a better relationship with The Divine5. Another reason why discovering physical pleasure was important for me is because of my chronic illness. I have a hereditary disease that affects the connective tissue, causing many problems among which dysautonomia, chronic pain, unstable joints, neurological impairments and fatigue. It results in me having a somewhat traumatic relationship with my own body. Having such an unpredictable body makes that I tend to get in my head a lot, as a way to gain control. I plan things excessively, always try to trace back where a certain symptom came from, know how to mentally deal with disappointment, know how to distract my mind from pain, know what activities trigger my fatigue more than others and how to adjust the circumstances to make them more doable. I’ve had panic attacks and have general (social) anxiety because of the limitations and loss of control over my body and because of how different it has made my life compared to my peers. There is a great lack of understanding of physical (and mental) unhealth within the Christian community. Everything is spiritual and not physical, so my experiences have nearly always been negative since there is such a focus on healing and God’s superior purpose for illness (“You must be sick because God wants to tell you something”, “God is allowing this because he has a plan with this hard time for you”, “You don’t have enough faith that’s why you’re stuck in this cycle of illness”). There is always a different reason for my suffering instead of me simply being born with a defect in my genes. Knowing these circumstances, acquiring a new set of tools to seek pleasure and feel happy, satisfied and whole in my own body was phenomenal. In many ways many (simple) pleasures have been robbed from me, but it is good to realize that I can also build on the positive relationship with my body. Next to pleasure, my illness also amplified my search for myself because it has made me very introspective; I search for answers within my own body and possibilities, instead of adjusting to that of the Christian community or the people around me. I became my own because I was physically forced to, but at the same time it 5

In her words she describes ‘The Divine’ (my preferred term) as “the transcendent, God”

aligned with my desire to connect with myself more. It made connecting to myself natural and familiar, even though I have never been encouraged to have my body and mind connected in such a way. This explains why exploring my own sexuality and diving into embodiment was important for me as I reshaped my spirituality. I had no full idea of my identity within the sexual realm without the influence of Christianity. And I also recognised the lack of that in the way I was emotionally and physically able to connect with myself, my partner, others and The Divine. In my discoveries about becoming my own spiritually and physically I was guided by some inspiring women. 2b) Female Figures Below I will shortly mention a few women who have influenced my thinking, encouraged my autonomy and inspired me with their own stories. Some of them helped me as I searched for my identity as a sexual being, some of them guided me as I reshaped my spiritual practices. Like me, all these women came from a Christian background. Jamie Lee Finch Poet Jamie Lee Finch calls herself The Sex Witch and works as a sex and embodiment coach and intuitive healer. After having experienced a lot of (authoritative) trauma under the guise of Christianity she now sets out to help heal people coming from similar experiences. Her poetry is incredibly honest and gives insight into the deep roots that years of religious self-hatred leaves. Her book describing her journey reckoning with the past trauma she experienced within religious settings gave me words and food for thought for my own experiences. The Multi-Faceted Womxn Taneesha, aka The Multi-Faceted Womxn, is an erotic dancer and intimacy coach living in Amsterdam. She was always taught to repress her sexuality when she was younger, only to find out later it was her biggest source of inspiration and the best way to know herself fully. Hearing how she embraced her erotic self and made it into her art helped me search for my own eroticism. Dr. Hillary McBride I know Hillary McBride through The Liturgist and her focus on embodiment inspired me a lot. Through The Liturgists Meditations she taught me how to tune into my body and use it as the incredible tool it is to navigate emotions and experiences. Hillaryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s empathy and wisdom also guided me a lot, mainly through The Sacred Feminine Gathering which she facilitates together with artist Lisa Gungor. Lauren Wilde Also known as The Church Witch, Lauren has taught me tons about magick and how to relate to pagan practices as a former Christian. She helped me to see the parallels between the belief systems the two hold and how to introduce new, more fitting practices into my spiritual daily life.

Jo Luehmann As a former pastor Jo knows the ins and out of church life and culture. After negative experiences from her leaders she decided to take a refreshed look at Christianity in order to be able to become a better pastor. She found out how much she herself had acted from her own undealt-with trauma within her leadership roles and recognised the same in other leaders. She took distance from the Church to deal with her own past and never went back because she recognised how unhealthy much of the leadership was. She has taught me to recognise systems in place within Christianity that do not reflect the unconditional love Christianity is supposed to carry out. She and her work also were of great influence as I imagined reshaping Christianity. Something these women have in common is that they are all connected to and in control of their body, intuition, wisdom, experiences and sexuality. They expose how these powerful sources are being silenced by the church and literally demonised. No wonder strong women like these that own themselves and are in control, are often blamed to be heathens, heretics and witches. Women that are in control can’t be controlled. 2c) Finding my voice That brings me to reflect upon myself, these spiritual women know what they stand for and why this is. Do I? As I left the Christian environment of the church and loosened the grip of the opinions of my family, I learned that I do in fact not know that clearly what I myself really stand for. Where do the opinions of others end and mine start? During the same interview as mentioned before, FKA Twigs poses the questions: “What’s right for me? What do I need to be nurtured or to be complete? (...) Finding my voice without societies whispers”. I wanted answers to these questions, and I felt strongly like the key to their answers laid in my memory at the creek in France. The feeling I get from this memory reminds me of a spiritual encounter I had as a teen as I visited Taizé with my high school. Taizé is an ecumenical Christian commune where young people come together. As I was in Taizé, there was a moment where someone close to me shared a vision she experienced in which she met Jesus and hugged them as we were visiting a tiny old church close to the commune. Her sharing unsettled me because we were on a similar spiritual path, but I had never experienced such visions. I went outside into the church’s old graveyard and watched the way nature had overgrown the graves and saw a lizard move over one of the gravestones. In that moment I realized I had spiritual encounters as well, but mine looked much more like this - in nature, marvelling and amazed; quiet and alone; complete. Being remembered of these spiritual experiences made me realize that these experiences in nature must be the main connection to my spiritual self and thus my own voice. In this I relate to how author and coach Jamie Lee Finch describes finding her own voice as the following in her book You are your Own, in which she describes her journey away from Evangelical Christianity:

“But gradually, the inner voice of my own Body, my own intuition, my own Divine Being became louder. As my relationship with my true self strengthened, I heard Her more clearly, trusted Her more deeply, and followed Her more confidently in all things; and over time, I came to realize it had been Her voice — not the voice of an external deity — that I had heard all along.” I realized that my intuition, my voice, was something I had never trusted before as being the most honest and clear reflection of the Divine, since I, like Finch, was expecting spiritual guidance to come from external sources. These external sources weren’t right for me, but now I felt like I was finding my own voice. I felt like I remembered moments in which I was nurtured and complete.

3) RE-CONCEPTUALIZING CHRISTIAN REPRESENTATION Now having a better idea of my own voice within spirituality, I knew that in order to still be able to relate to Christianity I needed a reconceptualization of what Christianity and being a Christian means. The white-supremacist, patriarchal, colonial, heteronormative, hierarchal, abusive, ableist belief system wouldn’t do it for me anymore. If I had to still call myself a Christian, I would make sure to be associated with Decolonized Christianity, in which the white supremacy and messiah complex taught through the practice of Evangelical Christianity are deconstructed and continuously worked on. Together with a more pantheistic1 and animistic2 approach, I also related to the words that Nadia Bolz-Weber used talking about the Early Church: “Christianity used to be about refuge, politics and controversy” (Nadia Bolz-Weber, 20193). This idea of what Christianity should be fit more with my view on the essence of Christianity: loving God, yourself and your neighbour4 in combination with intersectional feminism and inclusive activism, which practices I value. 3a) Reshaping visuals of Christianity Very early in my research I came across this image of Jesus of the People by Janet McKenzie. I was very drawn to it and refreshed by the, unfortunately, uncommon depiction of this historical person. The picture became a guideline for me; exposing the myths that I was told to never reconsider and to strive towards and be encouraged by the possibility of the idea of, a more inclusive Christianity. In the picture we see an androgynous person of colour in front of a pink background with a yin yang symbol and a feather. Everything is created to resemble stained glass. The person is wearing black and white garments and is wearing a crown of thorns. Behind the head of the person is a white round shape on the background, which resembles a halo. The picture, which was chosen as a winner for a contest in search of a contemporary image of Jesus for the Catholic community, got a lot of negative feedback. The critique mostly had to do with the fact that this image of Jesus deviated from the “Jesus Christ Who was white and Hebrew.” (Atila & Horvat, Jesus 2000). The unconventionality of this visualisation of Christ becomes even more clear in some harsh criticism the piece of art received. McKenzie described that with making the artwork she aimed “to create a work of art 1 Pantheism: the belief that the universe -or nature as the totality of everything- is identical with divinity, or that everything composes an all-encompassing, immanent God 2 Animism: the belief that objects, places, and creatures all possess a distinct spiritual essence. 3 Quote taken either from one of her newsletters or from my notes as I heard her speak at Graceland Festival 2019. 4 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31)

in keeping with her beliefs as a person and artist, and inclusive of groups previously uncelebrated in His image especially African Americans and women.” (McKenzie, 2000). And though I am glad to have come across this new depiction of Jesus, I would like to side note that it is a shame McKenzie herself is a white woman. Her visualisation was historically (more) accurate but especially in Christianity (with its rich colonizing and white supremacist history and present5) it is important for people to be aware of their white privilege, something I have not seen McKenzie acknowledge even though all her art is similar to this image (although if I look at the organisations she is working with I have hope this is simply because I have not seen/heard her acknowledge this, not because she doesn’t). McKenzie’s art is used on protest boards for Women’s Marches and marches in solidarity with Black Lives Matter and refugees in the U.S. 3b) Challenging how I view God & decolonising Christianity I had a mind-blowing moment when I read that if Jesus was born in a Jewish matriarchy, he would’ve been born a woman (Giles, 2017). I had never considered this and as I mauled over this possibility I realized how influential patriarchy was on my views of the divine. Professor and author Jennie Knight confirms the patriarchal influence on the God-image in her book Feminist Mysticism and Images of God with the following: “The cultural validation of the male ideal of independence and power-over is modelled clearly on the classical image of the male God. [...] this image has profound implications for self-image, human relationships, and a relationship with the divine.” (Knight, 2011). In the same book Knight quotes theologian and professor Catherine Keller who mentions “that images of the Goddess are powerful metaphors for the divine because they invert the patriarchal view that women cannot embody the divine.” (Keller) 6 7 So, I wondered what changes for me when I think of God as a woman? I wanted to give God a counterpart that was not influenced by this patriarchal view and that helped me believe that women, and therefore I, could embody the divine. God as a man already had a visual: the old white bearded man on a cloud somewhere far away. God as a woman (Goddess) I envisioned close, as if the universe is one big womb and we are being nurtured inside of it. Everything is growing, moving, changing, developing. This image resonates with me because it balances relationships with others and nature with autonomy. And because Goddess is all. A Goddess that is pantheistic fits my spirituality much more. It makes me feel more embodied with the divine, without effort - following the image of me sitting at the creek in France mentioned at the beginning of this paper. I remembered a book I read during my early teens; William Young’s book The Shack, in which a man who has lost his daughter goes back to the shack in which she was murdered and then has an encounter with the trinity. In the story God is depicted as a Black woman and the Holy spirit as an Asian woman named Sarayu. Young 5 A subject on which a whole series of independent papers could be written, since this is so prevalent in Christianity 6 I accessed The Feminist Mysticism and Images of God book through Google Books but the sources page is excluded so I am not sure of where Keller originally says this it could be from “Goddess, Ear, and Metaphor” Or “Women’s Lives, Man’s Myths Snakeoil, Patriarchy, and the Old God Trick” 7 Catherine Keller herself describes a visualization of Goddess with a metaphor of a spider spinning a web; a metaphor for Her embodiment of active relationality.

got a lot of criticism for depicting God this way, but he purposefully did it to “nudge Christians into an uncomfortable space that forced a reconciliation with how imagery affects faith connections.“ (Young, 2016) and because he beliefs that “The paternalistic mind-set that a man can reveal God to the world better than a woman can is a mistake, and part of the book is meant to undermine that.” (Young, 2016). The story is somewhat cheesy and predictable, but when I read the book as I was in my early teens, I was very refreshed by the depiction this book brought. In 2017, ten years after the book came out, the story was translated into a movie (which got similar critique for its depiction of the Trinity) and again I was pleasantly surprised and pleased with the casting and depiction of the characters. Especially since this is such a typical Evangelical story, and the Evangelical branch of Christianity and white supremacy are inseparably connected. With the depiction of the characters as non-white and female this is one rare occasion where my Decolonised Christianity can coexist with the Evangelical view I grew up with.

Image from the movie the Shack showing from left to right: Jesus, the main character Mack, God and Sarayu (the Holy Spirit)

This theme of decolonisation reminded me of an experience I had in my late teens as I watched the movie Avatar for the first time, and I burst out in tears in the final scenes of the movie. As someone who generally repressed emotions, I was a bit surprised that I was literally balling because this story hit home. The whole movie I had marvelled at the wonder of the foreign space world the movie takes place in and recognised how I (strive to) marvel in a similar way at the nature and world we have here on earth. In the world the movie depicted, all was connected with everything that lived, and everything was sacred. The protagonist Jake comes in as a foreigner and is allowed to align with the culture and be completely included. And then corruption comes by the hands of colonists who wanted to destroy all the beauty for resources and profit. At the time I had seen the movie as a reflection of how God created a beautiful world and ‘evil’ was destroying it. Now I see this more as a reflection of Christianity’s colonising aspects and its history of erasing native cultures for their own profit. It struck me how this journey I have been on has completely changed my idea of what ‘evil’ is and what role I want to play in the larger story, but also that the essence of how I now see divinity and beauty already had such a profound place in my soul and moved me so much. Decolonisation of the white supremacist religion and reimagining of the Goddess are changes that make that the Christian faith and its representation is reshaped in a way I can still relate to it. I don’t really have the hope that the complete institute 21

of the church will be open to a similar reconceptualization, but I also donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t desire that anymore. It would be wonderful of course, but I have found my own way, and aspiring to save and reshape all of Christianity is something that is out of my reach. Instead I focus on nurturing my own well-being, and reinstating the values of inclusive politics, refuge and controversy within a Christian-based interconnected spirituality. The focus on how I shifted my perspective in a way that is willing to go beyond Christianity in order to be able to transform myself (acquired through reflection upon the scripts that I grew up with, seeking my own voice and re-shaping Christian representation) gave me the tools to translate my newfound perspective into a visual project. It gave me vision to tell my story, so it can reach people in similar searching positions.

Goals After my research there was so much valuable information that I wanted to share, I would have loved to shine a light on the way Folk Theology deceived my view on women, to show people how Christianity is about protesting and controversy or to give a visualisation of how my reconceptualized Christianity could look. But exposing Christianity as bad is not my goal and none of the abovementioned ideas got to the real root of what I wanted to say: to reflect upon yourself, connect with yourself and invite yourself to question the scripts that influenced you. So, my real goal was to show the transformation in myself, and how that affects others around me who might find themselves in similar searching positions. The personal is universal1 During the process of coming to a final product my personal story and journey that is in part described earlier in the document were my guide. For me the focus always was on gaining autonomy of my own beliefs and spirituality. So, this is also my focus for the final product because I believe that sharing my personal story will give universal recognition, on different aspects. My goal was never to expose Christianity or give it a bad reputation, so I will also be alert to this in the process of realisation of the final product. But I did realize in my making process, that in order to give insight into why this process has been so complex, I had to show some of the aspects of what made there was internal conflict. This internal conflict could be explained with the sociological term ‘habitus clivé’ which was introduced into sociology by Pierre Bourdieu. ‘Habitus’ is a set of dispositions (like long-lasting manners of being, seeing acting and thinking) that come from your primary socialisation. These dispositions shape what Bourdieu calls your “conditions of existence”. When these “conditions of existence” change dramatically a person can feel their dispositions loose coherency and experience a feeling of being torn and divided by their own sense of self – their habitus has cleft (or in French, is ‘clivé’). Bourdieu was mainly talking about dispositions shaped by the social class your parents were in as you grew up, but I see a link with other primary socialisations as well. Within religion for example you can experience a similar ‘out of place’ feeling that comes from rising significantly in class, when you feel out of place once you start feeling a disconnection with the dispositions you have learnt have value within religion and with what you learnt to value as an individual. As I was working on my visual project this term came to mind again as I reviewed some of the recorded statements that my friends made. Many of them literally name feeling like they were ‘one foot in’ the Christian world and ‘one foot in’ the “secular” world. They could not feel whole as a person because of internal conflict. This idea of internal conflict stemming from that which was learnt in your upbringing, to me is a perfect example of a habitus clivé and thus a perfect example of how this project can be applied universally.

I recognize that universal can be a problematic term, since it is associated with colonialism and im-

plies white supremacy by claiming that what is applicable and best for the West will also through universalism be of interest for the non-Western. In my case I mean universal more as widely applicable on many levels, open and easily identifiable. Throughout this whole paper the use of the word universal is meant in this way.

The personal is communal In addition to the theoretical research one of the practices that shaped my journey was meeting regularly with friends that are going through similar processes. In the early beginnings of my research this was with people in church to talk about how we imagined change together, but quickly I resorted to a much smaller group of friends I had initially lost contact with since they had left church. My many doubts and questions were welcome there like they weren’t in the church, and the group became very close for this reason. Together we discussed what shaping an autonomous faith looked for us. Most of us went through a ‘fuck it all’ period, where we didn’t want any relation with Christianity anymore at all. But many of us returned to different aspects of our former belief in some way or form. In the space created by taking distance from the institution of the church and the expectations of the faith community we were able to look inside and reflect upon what was important for us to keep and what we did not value. The biggest thing that stands out for me is the authenticity in this group that was created through this personal reflection. The safe space that has been created, now is a community where we can share the good and the bad in a communal way as we experienced in the community of the church before, but now without pretence and hidden judgement or rules. This safety and the sacredness of sharing your life with others has been one of the most fundamental pillars in my process, and so I find it very important to keep attentive towards upholding this in my final project as well. Because of this, and because I believe my story is one of many, I want to involve the stories of my friends too. Being able to recognise yourself in and relate to someone else’s story has such a profound impact. I had this for example at the ‘God is een moeder’ theater show, hearing the experiences of the others in the audience. The questions they asked during the show also provoked the audience to think and made the whole piece contemplative and invited everyone present to rethink issues as well. This too, is something I strive to do with my final project. The personal needs contemplation When it came to inviting people to question the scripts that influenced them and encouraging them to turn inwards, I was inspired by the G/d Thyself exhibition that was exhibited in Het Nieuwe Instituut during IFFR2020. In this exhibition a safe space was created with many possibilities for reflection and personal expression of spirituality. The sacredness of strangers coming together and sharing a meditative space impacted and inspired me. I want to create a similar space in my project. Another aspect of importance is the tone of voice in which the provocation for contemplation of autonomy finds place. In no way do I want it to be too persuasive or guiding in a certain direction, since I have too long been influenced by such persuasive language, suggestions or situations. The space is to be open and free. A place where there is subtle exposure which might raise questions, but also a space where it is okay to be asking all kinds of questions without judgement. This questioning also happens in the Holy Shit! Lazarus series. In this miniseries brought out by Lazarus, the more philosophical branch of the EO, (theatre)maker and producer Marjon Moed sets out to find out whether she still wants to be in26

volved with the Christian faith she grew up with but has now left behind. Her story resembles mine and she comes from a very similar background. In the YouTube series she visits people - pastors, fellow doubters, philosophers, worship musicians, rainbow families and her parents- and interviews them on their views and what faith means to them. Watching this series helped me form questions that I want to ask the people that I involve in my own project.

I recognise that the process of gaining autonomy and reflection is a continuous process and won’t be stopping now this research has ended and when the project is finished. But I did find out what pillars are important for me personally which I can use in the making of the final project, with which I strive to stimulate others to set out on a similar journey. These pillars are inspired by bible verses in which Jesus speaks about the essence of faith: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Mark 12:30-31) I find that largely these are still the foundation of my spirituality. To love others, myself and God (the universe). LOVE YOURSELF reflect upon yourself the personal needs contemplation

LOVE GOD connect with yourself the personal is universal

LOVE THE OTHER invite yourself to question scripts the personal is communal

Loving myself is what started this journey and what made me reflect upon myself. Loving the other is challenging the scripts that influenced you, but also finding community and the common ground in your personal stories. Loving God is the combination of it all, that which connects you. And through God’s love you connect with yourself in a way that brings you back to the Loving yourself pillar. 27

Process As I set out to translate this research into visuals, I initially focussed on the first part of my research where I challenge the scripts about womanhood within Christianity. But as my research shifted more towards my experience as a former Christian woman on my way to find myself outside of external influences, I focussed on the translation of this process as well. I did not want to show/create a new version of Christianity but how I, a former Christian woman, had become a new version of myself. For the translation of this personal transformation I had the atmosphere of the creek in France in mind, just like it guided me in my research. I was reminded of a video I had made during my minor project, where I was playing with shells at the beach. This started me off experimenting with video for this project as well. In the videos I shot in order to experiment, I tried to involve different aspects that I came across in my journey; the abstract idea of matter shifting, grounding and soothing rituals and the concept of the Habitus Clivé. All of which I tried to communicate with the use of water and other natural aspects, since they are foundational within my spirituality. Next to the fact that none of these visualisations really spoke to me, what lacked in the videos was a narrative that explained what this transformation was about. At this point I also didn’t have the abovementioned pillars clear yet. These pillars became more and more clear to me as I started out on a different path, hoping to find a way to communicate my narrative better. My story is one of many, and I knew involving other similar stories would amplify my own. I filmed while I had conversations with some of my friends as they played with clay. For me clay holds a lot of connotation with Christianity because of several bible verses . Letting them play with the clay signified that they had authority to make something without any external influence. Next to that the shaping of the clay could also serve as a meditative practice. To enhance the service of the video as a meditative practice and to create an atmosphere of communion, I thought of a way to project the video on the floor so that people would gather around it in a circle to watch it. I was very happy with how the different things my friends brought up shaped my narrative, but I missed my own voice. I tried to include my voice by adding my previous visuals of nature to have more of ‘me’ in there. But it didn’t feel sufficient. I recognized I had fallen in an all too familiar trap: I was cancelling myself out and focusing solely on others and their stories. In my journey this was something I recognized even more as something that holds me back. So, this was an important issue to tackle, since it touched upon one of the essences of my transformation: to stop focusing on the external and focus on the internal. As I turned inwards, I questioned whether video could convey all the layers and the complexity of what I was trying to translate. I felt limited by the medium of video, so I looked for other ways to show the process in a way that I could combine the different ingredients (imagery, the interviews, my research and sources) I had so far. I realized that I could wonderfully combine all I have already into a zine. This way I would not only be able to play with the different layers and the complexity of this subject, but also play to my strengths since I have much more experience with graphic design than video. 28

The idea of creating a meditative practice was still something I wanted to adhere to but making a publication fit with that very well too. Because the stories within the zine would tackle the aspects of gaining autonomy as well as showing there can be a community to go through this process with as well, the invitation to contemplate their own stance would be with the viewer. Being able to have something that the viewer can take home and in their own time, during their own meditative time, in their own safe space, spend time contemplating suited my goals very well. Thinking of the presentation, what I could do is introduce the subject to the viewer by using some of the personal stories together with some of the moving images I had made that wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be included in the zine.

Stills from the video made during the minor

Screenshots from video experimenting with distorting my own image (Habitus ClivĂŠ)

Stills from some of my rituals that calm and ground me - having a cup of tea, watching the rain splash against the window, the movement of the trees outside. 30

Screenshots from an experimental abstract video

Sketches of the clay videos and its presentation

Conclusion In my research I acquired knowledge through reflection upon the scripts that I grew up with, seeking my own voice and re-shaping Christian representation, which challenged me to shift my perspective in a way that is going beyond the borders of Christianity in order to be able to transform myself. This knowledge and this perspective gave me the tools to translate my newfound perspective into a visual project. It gave me vision to tell my story and that of others on similar journeys in a visual way, so it can reach people in similar searching positions and people who recognise themselves in the disconnect between the dispositions they grew up with versus the ones they value now concerning other areas of development. One of the consequences of my research is that I did not only think about reconceptualizing Christianity but also about how I search and what I desire spiritually. Through this I discovered what fits me as a woman, artist, and researcher. So as to answer my research question: I can gain spiritual autonomy by turning inwards and daring to go beyond the borders of Christianity to seek what I desire and search for in my spirituality. And as said before, even though I did find out what pillars are important for me personally and how to stimulate others to set out on a similar journey, I recognise that the process of gaining autonomy and (self)reflection is a continuous process and wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be stopping now this research has ended and when the visual project is finished. That said, when it comes to further research, I want to continue this journey and with it gather people around me to journey with. A possibility is for example to now (through the interaction created by the zine) focus on creating a space/community where the things I am learning, and the things others are learning, can be shared and celebrated.

List of used sources Alcoff, Linda Martín., and John D. Caputo. “Feminism, Sexuality, and the Return of Religion.” Feminism, Sexuality, and the Return of Religion, Indiana University Press, 2011, p. 9. God is Gray Instagram page featuring Dale Partridge https://www.instagram.com/p/B-phNvoBHUP/ Gregory the Great, Homily XXXIII, in Hooper, the Crucificion of Mary Magdalene, Page 79. Canning, Iain, et al. Mary Magdalene. Universal Pictures, Transmission Films, IFC Films, 2018. “Watch ‘FKA Twigs on Her Album ‘MAGDALENE’” Posted by New Music Daily with Zane Lowe on Apple Music.” Apple Music, 7 Nov. 2019, music.apple.com/us/post/sa.c3091580-01f1-11ea-ab80-f518847f1a0d. “MAGDALENE by FKA Twigs.” Apple Music, 8 Nov. 2019, music.apple.com/us/album/magdalene/1477652618. James, Carolyn Custis. Malestrom: Manhood Swept into the Currents of a Changing World. Zondervan, 2015. Page 88 Glahn, Sandra, et al. Vindicating the Vixens: Revisiting Sexualized, Vilified, and Marginalized Women of the Bible. Kregel Academic, 2017. Martin, D. A Theory on Secularisation. Basil Blackwell, n.d. London: Basil Blackwell, 1978. Print. James Nelson, Embodiment: An Approach to Sexuality and Christian Theology, Minneapolis: Augsburg Publishing House, 1978, 17–18. Atwood, Margaret. The Handmaids Tale. Virago, 1985. “The Handmaid’s Tale.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 4 Apr. 2020, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Handmaid’s_ Tale. Atwood, Margaret. The Testaments. Thorpe, Charnwood, 2020. Driel, Anne van. “‘Prima Dat Unorthodox De Donkere Kant Van De Chassidische Gemeenschap Laat Zien, Maar Het Moet Wel Menselijk Zijn’.” De Volkskrant, 30 Apr. 2020, www.volkskrant.nl/cultuur-media/prima-dat-unorthodox-de-donkere-kant-van-de-chassidische-gemeenschap-laat-zien-maar-het-moet-wel-menselijk-zijn~b5369f7c/?utm_campaign=shared_earned&utm_medium=social&utm_source=copylink. Finch, Jamie Lee. You Are Your Own: a Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity. Jamie Lee Finch, 2019. Giles, Keith. “God Does Not Have A Penis.” Patheos, Patheos Explore the World’s Faith through Different Perspectives on Religion and Spirituality! Patheos Has the Views of the Prevalent Religions and Spiritualities of the World., 27 Nov. 2017, www.patheos.com/blogs/keithgiles/2017/11/god-not-penis/. Guimaraes, Atila, and Marian Horvat. “‘Jesus 2000’ - A New Model Ideal.” Jesus 2000 Contest Winner, www. traditioninaction.org/HotTopics/c001ht.htm. “Jesus of the People.” Janet McKenzie, www.janetmckenzie.com/joppage1.html. Knight, Jennie S. Feminist Mysticism and Images of God: a Practical Theology. Chalice Press, 2011. Keller, Catherine. “Goddess, Ear, and Metaphor: On the Journey of Nelle Morton.” Journal of Feminist Studies in Religion, vol. 4, no. 2, 1988, pp. 51–67. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/25002081. Accessed 6 July 2020. C. F. Thomas, Women’s Lives, Man’s Myths Snakeoil, Patriarchy, and the Old God Trick, Xlibris Corporation, Dec 2010. Young, William P. The Shack. Hodder &amp; Stoughton Ltd, 2008. Mettler, Katie. “Why God Is a Curvy, Black Woman in ‘The Shack’ and Some Christian Critics Say It’s ‘Heresy’.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 21 Dec. 2016, www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/ wp/2016/12/21/why-god-is-a-curvy-black-woman-in-the-shack-and-some-christian-critics-say-its-heresy/. Hazeldine, Stuart, director. The Shack. Netflix, Summit Entertainment, 2017.

“G/D THYSELF: Spirit Strategy On Raising Free Black Children.” IFFR, 26 Jan. 2020, iffr.com/en/2020/films/gdthyself-spirit-strategy-on-raising-free-black-children. Friedman, Sam. “What Is the Habitus Clivé?” The Sociological Review, 3 Dec. 2018, www.thesociologicalreview. com/what-is-the-habitus-clive/. Moed, Marjon. “Holy Shit.” Lazarus, 31 May 2020, www.lazarus.nl/holy-shit.

Further reading/listening Deconstructing Christianity The Deconstructionists podcast The Bible for Normal people podcast Holy Shit - EO Lazarus mini-series State of Grace – Refinery 29 documentary series The Liturgists podcast Christian feminism Rachel Held Evans - A Year of Biblical Womanhood (& her other books) Blessed are the Feminists Podcast Holy Troublemakers book Aimee Byrd - Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood The Sacred Feminine Retreat/Gathering by Lisa Gungor and Dr. Hillary McBride Purity culture God is Grey Podcast Jamie Lee Finch - You Are Your Own book Nadia Bolz-Weber - Shameless book Linda Kay Klein - Pure: Inside the Religious Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How We Broke Free book Brenda Marie Davies - On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel book Air.Pockets - Instagram page The Religious Trauma Institute Decolonising Christianity Bruin, Ellen de. “Een Witte God? Dan Ook Een Witte Leider.” NRC, NRC, 28 Feb. 2020, www.nrc.nl/nieuws/2020/02/28/een-witte-god-dan-ook-een-witteleider-a3992087. Jo Luehmann (on Patreon and Instagram)