longing coming
Be-
a zine about gaining spiritual autonomy and embodied sovereignty
Vreemden die kwetsbaar zijn samen is zo’n mooi begin. Dat is een mooi iets. Aimée
As I searched for my own voice, I wondered what it even meant to me to be a spiritual woman, and what being spiritual entails for me. To me it was the personal connection to the Divine. And to take ownership over this personal bond. I evaluated that I feel closest to the Divine while I am in nature. An early memory of young me sitting at a creek in France comes to mind. Here I was truly me. Here I was complete. Full. One with my surroundings. I spend hours every day at this creek. Just watching, listening; BEING. Alone in the world yet surrounded. With this image in my mind, I continued my search for answers in my quest to autonomy.
AmĂŠlie
Pieternel
Larissa
AimĂŠe
I had so much of my beliefs and self-image be decided by others, so I set out to connect with myself without exterior influences.
I had no full idea of my identity within the sexual realm without the influence of Christianity.
Het is ook vooral dat ik die vrijheid voel om het te mogen ervaren, te mogen ontdekken en te mogen bevragen. Larissa
Suddenly I saw all of Christianity in a new light and realised the underlying scripts that were being acted out.
Ik heb het idee dat ik hiervoor nooit een waarheid heb gehad want het kwam niet uit mezelf maar aannames van wat ik hoorde. AimĂŠe
Ik was niet bang er niet bij te horen. Wel dat ik daardoor God misliep. AimĂŠe
Dream 12/03/2018 Amélie calls me and tells me that she investigated the remark I once made about how God sees sex because I presumably said not all sex is from Him. She confronts me to say that everything she’s seen in nature says differently in her opinion. I become incredibly angry and try to hold everything in. And as I’m still on the phone a big, beautiful hummingbird with a huge needle beak comes in and sits close to me for a while, as soon as I try to reason with Amélie and my anger is starting to pierce through my patience
and self control, the humming bird gets up and tries to jam the needle in my arm. I fight it and start crying and run. I know deep inside this has to do with my fear of needles. And connect this phobia to not trusting God. I wallow for a while until my mom comes in to have me look at a wash cloth (?). She points in all the patterns it has and to imagine that if there is already so much detail in something so stupid than how wondrous is Gods creation. I start to cry (in the dream and real life) and this wakes me up.
Als je stilstaat, dat is het goddelijkste wat er is. AimĂŠe
But gradually, the inner voice of my own Body, my own intuition, my own Divine Being became louder. As my relationship with my true self strengthened, I heard Her more clearly, trusted Her more deeply, and followed Her more confidently in all things; and over time, I came to realize it had been Her voice — not the voice of an external deity — that I had heard all along. Jamie Lee Finch
Deconstruction
The pain comes sharp and sudden Slicing through the pleasantries When we gather at my mom’s table And I notice She has stopped asking me If i would like to say grace The pain comes slowly and heavily Enveloping my rationale When he has stayed the night And I ask for a break, a stretch To numb the shame The pain comes subtly, smoothly Weaving in one ear Saying I’m so self-involved To involve myself Without a scripture reference In my decision making The pain comes eerily with confusion when those I trusted Who seemed so wise So willing to love Spread petitions against Representing a gay individual On the loonie The pain comes brutally and unrelenting when the women that leave abusive marriages are the ones discussed over teas with doubts and ill feelings and such little regard while the husbands are pitied and beckoned to bible studies, As if to say “oh we know you were trying buddy” The thinking is so gosh damn muddy Oh above you can see How my profanity Is still censored How some words Tastes so bitter Aftertaste of shame Never seems to go away The pain comes callously
when my good youth group friend sends me a facebook message After hearing I am dating An unbeliever An unsaved soul A lost human A to-be-pitied child of the world And tells me to hold myself accountable Quoting scripture She knows I’ve read A thousand times But still uses it Tells me the truth of it Reinstates my lack of it Over the internet Not even face to face To mention my disgrace In daring to change. My boss is a stone mason He restores the foundations of old buildings, He pours his heart into protecting that heritage Fixing flaking plaster Polishing the stone That story That framework He believes it makes a more authentic building. I wish I could share that passion for the church Some days the foundation alone seems so Faulty and Dangerous I’d say “tear it down” In my persistent frustration My persistent indignation Call me jaded Call me bitter
But I’m not a child I’m not defective I’m not spoiled by a divorce I’m not damaged by the arts I’m not another project that you can save and feel good about yourself afterwards. For once I’m thinking For myself So Don’t admonish me For my anger towards your system, Until you have exposed the predators Protected the ones that need protection, Loved without silly stipulations I knew a love that was real And more often than not I found it Outside your walls Outside your halls and foyers You’ve had some gems inside I pray heaven exists like they insist it does To see the ones that make life brighter for everyone The ones that don’t draw boundaries The ones that don’t use their beliefs to Suffocate others The ones who Remembered that Jesus was a brown Palestinian Jew Always among the minorities Always challenging Religious Authorities
GKD
I was I was striving after The Great ‘I am’ Working, listening, adjusting, Following. Part of a bigger crowd, only sometimes humbly seen. Always looking towards the Sovereign Being. Impure, sinful, tempted. Less of me, more of you.
Love the other I am becoming I am striving, Thriving? Are the choices I’m making mine, Or were they whispered into my mind? Inspection. The truth has nothing to fear from my introspection.
Love yourself
I am I am part of something bigger than me, but I have a distinct place in it. I am seen. I am whole Great, I am. I am a sovereign being. I am god and God is me. Love God.
Love God
im
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