THE JOKE’S ON YOU
READERS’ SCRIBES
SOMETHING TO SHARE? MUSIC STORE ROBBERY
A music store was robbed last week. Thieves made away with the lute.
STORM DAMAGE
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night. Oof!
SCIENTIFIC STUDY SHOWS
My local college just announced the end of a scientific study. Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
MY HOROSCOPE
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time. So I bought a puppy to cheer me up.
DEMANDING PAYMENT
A lawyer’s dog is having a great time running around the neighbourhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast. The butcher heads over to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer replies, “Absolutely,” and the butcher informs him that he owes him £18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a cheque for the damages. A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: “£75 due for a consultation.”
NO JOGGING
2014: Didn’t jog. 2015: Didn’t jog. 2016: Didn’t jog. 2017: Didn’t jog. 2018: Didn’t jog. 2019: Didn’t jog. 2020: Still haven’t jogged. This is a running joke.
32ND BIRTHDAY
My wife and I just celebrated her 32nd birthday yesterday. It was the fastest birthday party we’ve ever had.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
NICE CHANGE
Customer: I’d like to try that dress in the window. Assistant: I’m sorry madam, I’m afraid you’ll have to use the fitting room, like everybody else.
BLIND DATE
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!”
JOBS, CASH, AND HOPE
Back in the day, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope, and no cash. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!
GOING SWIMMING
While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
MIDLIFE CRISIS
What is it called when a chameleon can’t change its colours anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
COUNT DOWN
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
RENTING AN APARTMENT
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Ten-ants.
GOLF TERM EXPLANATION
A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” “P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
GROWING HERBS
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?” I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
AD RESPONSE
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?” “Yeah, we got robbed last night.”
PLAIN ENGLISH
What do you say to comfort an English teacher? They’re, there, their.
WHAT’S THE WORD?
A girl is doing a crossword puzzle. “What’s a sevenletter word for ‘easily perceived or understood’ that starts with ‘O’?” “Isn’t it obvious?” “It should be, but I can’t figure it out. That’s why I’m asking.”
THOUGHT I RECOGNISED YOU
Attending the funeral of a close friend I thought I recognised a lady I had not seen in 25 years. I went up to her and said, “You look like Helen Black...” She replied and walked away, “You don’t look so good in blue pinstripe!”
CDS VS. LPS
Compact disc manufacturers were worried about music industry plans to phase out CDs and bring back LPs. Defending the threat to their livelihood, the CD manufacturers took their case to court, where the judge listened patiently to a lengthy debate about the relative merits of CDs and LPs. After weighing up the various arguments, the judge ruled in favour of LPs. The CD manufacturers were furious. “Do we have no right of appeal?” they demanded.
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
FELIX THE COPY CAT 34
SEPTEMBER 2020 • QUICK PRINT PRO
