READERS SCRIBES

READERS’ SCRIBES SOMETHING TO SHARE?

YARDSTICK

I found a rock that is 1760 yards long. It must be a MILESTONE!

RINGING MY DOORBELL

My neighbour rang on my doorbell at 3 am. Can you believe it!? Luckily, I was still up playing the drums.

STREET PERFORMER

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?”

The four guys respond to him, “Yes...”, “Oui...”, “Si...”, “Ja!”

MAROONED

Shipwreck Diary. Day 1: Alone, doing well. Mentally Sound. Met a crab.

Day 2: I have married the crab.

Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

FIVE GREAT CONFUSIONS

1. At a movie theatre, which ‘arm rest’ is yours? 2. In the word scent, is the “S” silent or “C”? 3. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around? 4. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator? 5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

A TRUE GENTLEMAN

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

WRONG AGAIN

I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn’t like it. Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.

TELL THE TRUTH

When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?” I said, “No, not particularly.” BEST CLOCK JOKE EVER

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever. It’s about time!

ONLINE APPOINTMENT

I felt a little lightheaded, so I booked an online virtual doctor’s appointment with my doctor.

“What seems to be your problem?” asked the doc.

“I’m lightheaded and I think I might be anaemic,” I stated.

“Well, drop in for a blood test and we’ll go from there,” replied the doctor. “Anything else I can help you with?”

“Yes, I’m wondering if I can still add a few items to my Amazon Fresh order?”

MY WEDDING DAY

It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.

But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”

CRIME OF SILENCE

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to him!

DON’T YOU JUST LOVE ARTISTS?

What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat.

CATCHING UP

You know you are getting old when your boss hires a new employee and you find out that you used to hang around with their grandpa when you were growing up.

HAIR TODAY

And the unexpected winner of the race was the Barber! However, he did do a short cut.

URBAN LINGO

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” LATE AGAIN

The boss says, “This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?”

The employee replies, “That it’s only Wednesday?”

GRAMMAR SCHOOL

A man was found guilty of overusing commas. The teacher warned him to expect a really long sentence.

RICH MAN’S FUNERAL

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”

“No.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“That’s why!”

SHHHHH.

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for a ham and cheese pizza. The librarian politely told him that he was in a library. The man first apologised and then whispered to the librarian, “Can I please have a ham and cheese pizza?”

SPEED OF LIGHT

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

DREAMER

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

TIME TO KICK OFF THE INEVITABLE WORLD CUP JOKES

The World Cup Final is the same day as Amazon Prime Day, so if it is coming home, it’ll get here incredibly quickly.

If you add up all the numbers of 1966 you get 1 + 9 + 6 + 6 = 22. Do the same with 2022 – 2 + 0 + 2 + 2 = 6 and 6 is Szechuan Beef in ginger and special fried rice. It’s coming home!.

Not a lot of people know this. The swordfish has few predators in the wild. Except for the rare penfish… …which is said to be mightier.