I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. At that moment I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my online relationship, however, I realized that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was scared. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was going to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings
that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation.
Men, this is completely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs.
I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I didn't read much into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he is wealthy.
Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing.
We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that guy. I did not really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts:
Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and be certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.
The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with.
STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your first conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
And the answer is... If you guessed D, you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason I guess that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the guy about things he's interested in as well. It takes two to tango.
DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Most of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk!
A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but be certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No.
This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I would substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you try to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make sure that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that isn't too tricky. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date click here 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right
Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which isn't always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not prepared to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too).
I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening.
I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken.
My cadence for dating that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system set up that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride.
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