7 Horrible Mistakes You're Making With jak zacząć na tinderze

I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill.

She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled.

Still, no reply.

It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either.

Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into.

When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact.

Of course at first I was outraged.

How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place.

As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women.

Online dating sucks, but...

There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation.

I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time.

I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry.

All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!"

I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process."

In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates.

We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress).

Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person.

UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge.

Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories.

Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions).

The complete most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun.

The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead.

I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help.

The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating site.

Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos.

Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with.

Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain.

Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photos sets a poor first impression.

So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind.

Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.

For men, we tend to have the opposite problem.

Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation.

Guys, this is completely your own fault.

I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances.

However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses.

Guys, stop.

Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve.

Are you trying to date a great deal of people?

Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship?

And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes...

"If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one."

The techniques I'll outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate.

For example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled.

I just realized months later that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right people.

Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ."

STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter.

According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than one second.

The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing).

All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one.

If a person is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way...

One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best.

It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option.

The answer: testing across programs.

I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr.

I retained my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results.

Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches.

Interestingly enough, a film I did not read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player."

I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection.

Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot.

To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures.

They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best.

Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can look to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches.

This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often.

Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.)

In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act.

This turned out to be a horrible idea.

With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way.

Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves.

Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, for instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy.

Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention.

Signals matter.

In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing.

We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week.

I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck.

Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date.

She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man.

I was that man.

I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is good, but picking false signals not so much.

The same goes for your online dating profile description.

You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not want to let them know about the way you cry every time a U2 tune comes on.

You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat.

Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile.

There's no right answer, but there are some wrong answers.

The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a clear structure.

I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly.

Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some colour to your interests and character.

Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another

person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.

The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner.

Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone.

If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question.

As any solid content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave.

The reverse is true for online dating, however.

You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure that it is quintessentially you.

The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more.

This isn't the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two.

The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations).

The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.

My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.

The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody.

"I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes."

While I'm sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too.

Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out.

Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things that are uniquely you.

For example in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography.

-- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss.

This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content.

In relationship, you basically need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making initial contact.

I've heard countless stories of women who have matched with a man who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.

On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors."

Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it.

The beauty of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with.

STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship.

For one thing, it's a very unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating.

It is logical then that if you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations.

While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit.

As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate.

Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. What is it going?" (or some other variation of this type of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second.

(I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.)

Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is...

If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.)

In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best).

There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile.

You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read.

If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend).

Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages.

The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting.

The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions.

First, some online dating tips for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you want a friend.

DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.

DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation.

Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction.

DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he is interested in also.

DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either.

Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating.

My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday.

So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates...

Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your residence.

As they say in real estate: location, location, location.

Where you have your date decides about 50--70% of the outcome of the date.

But first a question...

Where is the worst place to have a date?

As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant.

At first I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies.

Many of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations.

What happened next was absolutely mind blowing.

Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously.

It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context.

Here's why I think dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment."

You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk...

Talk... Talk!

A dinner date provides no choices. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly.

This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations.

Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inhouse communication abilities.

So, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience."

As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity.

As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death.

Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically.

"Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought.

My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners.

Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all).

Activity -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first.

Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date earlier?

With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on.

Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?"

No.

This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my mind.

So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay.

Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands.

Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore.

Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity.

Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits.

Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her.

Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a girl didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night.

Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date).

Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations.

Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I did not go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead.

STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you sleep together?

Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling."

Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, forth and back.

To be able to make certain I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation.

Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room.

Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts.

One thing that I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week then?"

Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired.

Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date.

One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty.

Nobody likes uncertainty.

No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know.

So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ).

I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always.

I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day.

Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He told me,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you."

If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week.

Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa.

There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well.

In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans.

By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening.

I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken.

My cadence for dating that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful http://zanebjda005.yousher.com/your-worst-nightmare-about-epodryw-pl-come-to-life when I was really into them.

Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending

upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above.

The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs.

By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more.

Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread.

Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun.

And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run.

Of course, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are."

Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride.

If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.