THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online dating, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are three significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but maybe discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge.
Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Men, this is completely your own fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses.
Guys, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I was dating the right folks. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the http://hectorlnwo921.fotosdefrases.com/undeniable-proof-thatyou-need-jak-zagadac-do-chlopaka-na-tinderze first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up another profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not
effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a film I did not read much into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may look like a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up shirt, for instance, isn't always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's
rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with following convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is great, but choosing false signals not so much. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial bit of your description and you should try different
variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you're producing the content for. For instance, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of those folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above:
-- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. But, obviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6
I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. How's it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the type of question). D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not
nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the
battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I need to experiment with some other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. Therefore, if we're getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. However, there
was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had dropped 15 feet to what I was sure was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn once I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your scenery is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all).
Activity -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be certain it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the very same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay.
Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 different kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a girl did not like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to look for on each date as you try to make your own dating arrangement:
Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for
conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it is time to take it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the relationship sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know.
So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself too). I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really badly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these dating approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above.
The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates that aren't just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal plan being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.