She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal program." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives which, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at once. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person.
UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Men, this is entirely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances.
But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Guys, stop.
Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a great deal of dates (3-4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is projected that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there is a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best.
It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was actually a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Now, part of the error might be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your total self and being yourself.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not wish to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he's okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some incorrect answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with.
The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of example, if I went into a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes."
While I am sure there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of those people in your area enjoy those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outdoors and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically need the individual to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that instead of having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting
The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it is a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? How's it going?" How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to start a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and moved beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it seems too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls:
DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they normally have no clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the man about things he's interested in as well. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously.
It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we are getting worse at having in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death activity, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first.
Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night at the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can catch drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret test because if a woman did not like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an
activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's quite easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?"
No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed.
When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most people don't mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0
Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's vital to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides can http://zaneqzls020.tearosediner.net/addicted-to-jak-zaczac-rozmowe-tinder-us-too6-reasons-we-just-can-t-stop allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.