badoo tinder: Expectations vs. Reality

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled.

Still, no response.

It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either.

Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into.

When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location.

As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was actually a response for what men do to women.

There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation.

I discovered this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time.

I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry.

All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. I was scared. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!"

I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process."

In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates.

We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress).

Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment.

If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person.

UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge.

Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories.

Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions).

The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun.

The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both women and men that are looking for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead.

I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help.

In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem.

Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs.

Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you contribute with.

Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In fact, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain.

Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a bad first impression.

So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to possess interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain.

Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is looking for"fun."

Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.

Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 For men, we tend to have the opposite problem.

Every man who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.

Guys, this is entirely your fault.

I have seen guys spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances.

But, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses.

Men, stop.

Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain.

Are you trying to date a great deal of people?

Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship?

And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes...

"If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one."

The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate.

For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, weekly ), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled.

I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right folks.

Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans."

STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its work or Visit website social, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second.

The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture.

They do not get to hear you speak. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing).

All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one.

If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way...

One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture was not my best.

It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test numerous pictures considering I could only put one as the default option.

The answer: testing across apps.

I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr.

I retained my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I

rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results.

Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches.

Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of women.

When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player."

I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection.

Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot.

To completely test this idea out, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures.

This is a super easy optimization that can seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches.

This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently.

Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.)

Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, a part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act.

This turned out to be a horrible idea.

Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way.

Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to understand that there is a difference between being your total self and

being yourself.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves.

Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the sign that he's wealthy.

Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention.

Signals matter.

In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. She was wearing a summer dress, flower earrings, and looked very cute. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting.

We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week.

I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck.

At first I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date.

She sat down and we started talking.

I was that guy.

I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality in any way. We finished the date cordially and moved on.

Signals matter.

Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much.

The same goes for your online dating profile description.

You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to let them know about how you ran over your cat.

Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers.

The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure.

I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components:

Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly.

Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality.

Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with.

The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way.

Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone.

If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content that will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question.

As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave.

The reverse is true for online dating, however.

You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be certain it is quintessentially you.

After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more.

This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your picture and headline being the first two.

The intro paragraph provides a little bit of colour and perhaps some talking points that you two can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations).

The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss.

My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe"

This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.

The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone.

"I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes."

While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too.

Rather than attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out.

Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you.

For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography.

-- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss.

This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content.

In relationship, you basically want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact.

I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.

On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too.

My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you're an interesting person who likes to play outside."

Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it.

The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with.

STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact

where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation.

Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship.

For one thing, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating.

It makes sense then that if you take countless people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations.

While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit.

As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate.

Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one.

A) "Hey! How's it going?" How was your weekend?"

C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second.

(I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.)

Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response And the answer is...

If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst answer.)

In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best).

There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile.

You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a picture or a place in their own pictures.

The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read.

If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend).

Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages.

The second best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays.

(It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting.

The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions.

First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you would with a friend.

DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own ideas. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.

DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation.

Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do.

And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction.

DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango.

DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either.

Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating.

My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday.

So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates...

Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online part of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house.

Where you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date.

But first a question...

Where's the worst place to have a date?

As it turns out, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant.

Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies.

Most of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations.

What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing.

Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously.

It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context.

Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this:

You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You are not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter provides you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk!

A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately.

This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions.

Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills.

Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy.

My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience."

As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity.

As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was sure was my upcoming death.

Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally.

"Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought.

My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between.

Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!"

Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing?

Make sure she isn't scared of heights first.

Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner?

With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I

went on.

I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?"

This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates.

So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay.

Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes.

Then (if you are a man ) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves.

Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore.

Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking.

Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits.

Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her.

It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we could both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like facts and science it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night.

Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book someone's weekend for a first date).

Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking.

Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits.

Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection.

For example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead.

STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe one of the most important pieces of the online dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together?

Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling."

Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure that I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation.

Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room.

Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new man" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff.

One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week after that?"

Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired.

Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date.

One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting a lot of uncertainty.

Nobody likes uncertainty.

No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they just want to know.

So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you don't,

have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too).

I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly.

I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day.

Stop Chasing Shadows When I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you."

If you find someone who you would like to be with really poorly, don't scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to establish a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week.

Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa.

There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well.

In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans.

By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that relationship weakening.

I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken.

My cadence for dating I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1

Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them.

Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above.

In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs.

By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more.

Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread.

Similar to the help of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates that aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting.

And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run.

Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are."

Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating.

If you enjoyed this post, I would super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.