I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my online dating, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be more
likely to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both women and men who are searching for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.
Men, this is entirely your fault. I have seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for desired outcome, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the right folks. Fortunately I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about if we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If a person is coming online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to test is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put
one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was actually a huge turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are really good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super simple optimization that may seem to be a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea.
With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our complete selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up top, as an instance, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description.
You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. By way of example, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to compose a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two.
The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and possibly some talking points that you two can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic hobbies and activities I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than attempting to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they do not want to seem desperate. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too.
My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a very unnatural way of communicating, because it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that if you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online dating, then it's a good idea to research your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey!
What is it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question). (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation
Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, Go here it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you would with a friend. DO try to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of discussions feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he's interested in also. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to place a lot more thought in their text messages than men do. If a man says something that seems weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have begun talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location.
In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies.
Most of them didn't go well, but I was not certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It was not that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I had been holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity.
As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn once I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here's my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food tastes. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret test because
if a girl didn't like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an additional bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Be certain that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe among the most crucial pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It's quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make certain I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts.
One thing that I discovered is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion is to quit playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you are not ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me this and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Allow the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken.
My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it is imperative to have a system set up to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so that you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your
own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.