THE ULTIMATE https://deancfta705.godaddysites.com/f/4-dirty-little-secrets-about-the-jakzagada%C4%87-do-dziewczyny-na-bad GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to navigate the pains and pitfalls She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be exact. How could women take advantage of me like that? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was actually a response for what men do to women. There are three significant levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating novice. I was depressed. I was scarred. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you are not. You're going to kick online dating's ass!" I started to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating just like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the whole process I took to learn online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so you can't just get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the below. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person.
UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these approaches as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their target obviously. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to optimize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In actuality, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. For men, we tend to have the opposite issue. Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to make them engage in a conversation.
Guys, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for either desired outcome, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the perfect people. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of some more"meal plans" STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, obviously the first thing to check is your profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first picture wasn't my best.
It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on every profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could get a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least games.
Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was really a huge turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. This is a super easy optimization that can look to be a pain today, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can actually ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable
Now, part of this error may be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I did not care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signs is good, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description.
You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you do not need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to let them know about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of enhancing your online dating profile. There is no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something that you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. For instance, if I went into a girl at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you should begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two.
The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I am into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can not tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so you can find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making first contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific.
On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outside." Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to begin a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It makes sense then that when you take countless people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it's a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? What is it going?" B) "Hey! C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this sort of question). D) "Hey!
(according to a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to some conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it's time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female
friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and guide the dialogue in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than men do. If a man says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for both parties: Attempt to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant.
Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I had seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I wasn't certain why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with some other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was choosing better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates do not work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You begin talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You then run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? You have to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inhouse communication abilities. Therefore, if we are getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't grab the rope until I had fallen 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I started carrying my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a
wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same places like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid solves this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to search for on each date as you try to create your own dating arrangement:
Date #1: Look for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it does not allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the relationship. By way of example, if I did not visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most crucial pieces of the online dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the relationship sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2
once I was 25, functioning as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your
calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion is to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I should pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it also. In a number of studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found
that humans will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure may have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place to help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the help of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing this is by going on dates that are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a good time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into those activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are."
Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. Until then, strap in and enjoy the ride. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.