THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like that? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first place. As I matured in my internet dating, however, I understood that this was actually a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I chose to learn online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment.
If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be much more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Note: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship journey (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've found is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" pictures online. The issue, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information other than the profile photo before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a bad first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the struggle of getting a woman to swipe directly on their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault.
I have seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their palms develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one."
The techniques I will outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is great to go on a lot of dates and get practice relationship (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is the profile picture. I started this
process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not certain how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up another profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could get a large enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my actual dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film that I didn't read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mineso that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I actually enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. They got varied results, but one thing was consistent: the picture they thought was their best, never performed the best. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of the error may be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress
how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wanted to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with following convention. In college I met a girl at a party who immediately caught my eye. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her tinder dziewczyny up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a guy.
I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a signal at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but choosing false signals not so much.
The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not need to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that provides some color to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It might be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most crucial piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to provide a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the person who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, terrific content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went into a girl in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make certain it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph
After that initial curiosity is peaked, you should start paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anybody. "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I am positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to find common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. The Call To Action This is optional, even though it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they
don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you do not want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that says: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other online dating programs too. Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see if your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for instance, you have thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that if you take millions of people and put them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online dating, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I will spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a poor one. What is it going?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). D) "Hey! How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I will let you consider it for a second. (I'll add some space before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response
Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you chose the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and moved past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. One of the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Make sure that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure.
DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much men pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he's interested in also. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women tend to put a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the apps, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online part of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where's the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most frequently selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. But bear in mind, I was completely new to relationship so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I decided that I should experiment with some other locations.
What occurred next was totally mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You sit down at a desk. You begin speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? You have to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost instantly. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers started to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. A number of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you are walking, your landscape is shifting so you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing?
Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how can we end the date earlier? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence which nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on.
I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the very same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I would substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was simply a template that simplified my choices and decreased the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. So here is my perfect dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between activity and talking. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we could both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like science and facts it probably wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to search for on each date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence:
Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you like each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps among the most important pieces of the internet dating puzzle that I see men screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not always the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I will share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropri0ate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. In order to make sure that I don't waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar accounts. One thing that I discovered is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date.
One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you don't like them, they just want to know. So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really badly, don't frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same is true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1
Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of the post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process may have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's vital to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and continue. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss on the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Like the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all the above items, I had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on your own, improving your discussions, your dates, and your relationship with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the display.