I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. At this time I imagined picking up the bill and slapping her across the face with it as hard as I could. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out afterwards, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be precise. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my online relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you are not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I took to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B testing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you
will be much more likely to enjoy the process. And, if you're diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a lot of these approaches as we browse the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most common error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their target clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we are searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've discovered is that both women and men that are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" pictures online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the format of a dating profile and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it's totally fine to have sexy photos up on your instagram, leading with them on your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also lots of classy ways to have intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was trying to locate a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then start
swiping like orangutans until their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" isn't an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a lot of dates and get practice dating (recall I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile picture. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform was not effecting results.
Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test out this idea, I really enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) to the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that may seem to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed this process up, you can really ask your matches what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we knowingly choose which signs to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up shirt, as an example, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention.
Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the whole party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they'd dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality in any way. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your complete self. You need to tell them about how you collect classic records, you do not want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you do not want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no right answer, but there are some incorrect answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A short sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something that you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you should try
different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The objective of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that's authentic, interesting, and short functions like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of instance, if I went up to a woman at a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your picture and headline being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of colour and possibly some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as possible! Some of my favorite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I really like learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, attempt to stand out.
Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really enjoy, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 chances to make a relationship, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it is a very unnatural way of communicating, since it's been proven that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations.
While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it is a good idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's test how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" (or any other variation of the type of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will let you think about it for a second. (I'll add some space before the answer below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a picture or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I typically also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend).
Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt much more natural and went beyond a few messages. The next best option,"Hey! Works almost as well, but it's obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as hints. First, some online dating suggestions for men: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend.
DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own ideas. One of the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Make certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure.
DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be friendly and nice, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they are doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction.
DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a lot more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too if you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of relationship, I soon realized that procuring the date is only half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date determines about 50--70% of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What happened next was totally mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates enhanced tremendously. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better women to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:
You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order since you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inhouse communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp jolt of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and didn't catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was sure was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a massive jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I began carrying my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a great date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is changing so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Action -- Can we do the action reasonably well? I've seen men get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate Click for more info about, but make certain it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No issue, how do we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to sequence, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates
interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here is my ideal dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the difficulties of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a guy) you have to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also allows you to walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out? Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 variables: walkability, action, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the shore, we can go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it to date #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress well for that special night. This was also my secret test because if a woman didn't like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the evening. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few tips on what to look for on every date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it is time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose provides new intimacy to the connection. For example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right
maybe among the most important pieces of the online dating puzzle that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't always the case) there are a few questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually think about timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of this digital world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would utilize their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I discovered is that every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?"
Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to see if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know.
So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and with yourself. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them that you aren't ready to date right now. I had a girl tell me this and it was the easiest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself also ). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they pursue you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific proof for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining mobile phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships when there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship strategies helped me tremendously, but
depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (similar to job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in place that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. Perhaps the single most important point to keep in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you are also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super love if you hit the green hand clap button below to ensure that more folks can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.