She looked me directly in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the invoice. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're unfamiliar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she certainly fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until that point: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? Especially since I was being so vulnerable by putting myself out there to ask them out in the first location. As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are 3 significant levers in our lives which, if we pull them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I discovered this first hand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for over 7 years and I left my 10-year relationship with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and dating newcomer. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene activated and a little voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I began creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I'll take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, as well as crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can't only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that based on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might have to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the
emotions that come from dating and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet fascinating people and do interesting things," you'll be much more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we've moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that mad, but maybe they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a lot of these strategies as we navigate the current struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). STEP 1 -- Decide what you're looking for The absolute most frequent error I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to assist her with her OKCupid profile. She's an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a real 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. The photos I saw in her profile looked like they belonged more on thechive.com rather than on any dating website. Basically, so as to optimize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to just include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there's nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photo until a user clicks, resulting in provocative photos sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up in your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong sort of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photographs were only sending signals that she is searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag guys filling up her inbox.
Every man who has done online dating will testify to the struggle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your own fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, guys tend to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans until their palms develop calluses. Guys, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everybody, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. For instance, the first time I mastered everything in this process, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it's great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I had been off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to be sure I had been dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs " STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it is estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you speak. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of them said that my first picture wasn't my best.
It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The response: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on every profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and be certain that the platform was not effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photographs can be your biggest blind spot. To completely test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. This is a super simple optimization that may look to be a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20 percent of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed up this process, you can really ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Now, part of this error may be my fault, since I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to understand that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other people. A man wearing a button up shirt, for instance, is not always
wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is indicating she does not want to follow society's rules, the guy in the button up shirt is indicating that he is okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the whole party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. At first I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized that we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she'd used as a sign at the party didn't match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter. Choosing your signals is great, but picking false signals not so much. You don't need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't need to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't need to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's absolutely no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is having a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that provides some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desirable action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you do not want men messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without
much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important bit of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The objective of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief functions like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. If you ask any top-performing marketer,"how do I create content which will be successful?" It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are producing the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a small amount of color and possibly some talking points that you can discuss in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you would like to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite items are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I really like learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I like hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends,
probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. As opposed to trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially want the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I've found that a whole lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they finally become discouraged from making first contact. I have heard countless stories of women who have paired with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they don't message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they do not want to appear desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: Again, as with all this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, simply delete it. The beauty of dating programs is that instead of having 1--5 chances to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to talk online as your first conversation is a huge limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It makes sense then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you are serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit.
As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with a growing number of people. This gave me the chance to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I simply wouldn't have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let's examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one.
A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of the sort of question). (based on a book they listed in their profile) I will allow you to think about it for a second. (I will add some distance before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the response And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you picked the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the answers are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they have put a book in their profile.
You can alter this to ask about some other part of the profile, such as a movie or a place in their pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt a lot more natural and went beyond a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T try to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she is interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I have heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also share things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it will be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help guide the conversation. Even when I have tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they normally don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling such as interviews, then make sure that you ask the man about things he is interested in also. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women tend to put a good deal more thought in their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and don't read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the dialogue from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to fulfill
someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it is not actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too if you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Creating a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you have even set out from your house. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. Where you have your date decides about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. Initially I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. It was not I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a https://deancfta705.godaddysites.com/f/25-surprising-facts-about-jakpisa%C4%87-z-dziewczynami restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a table. You start speaking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter provides you"another moment." You look at the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You continue talking. You talk and talk. Then you run out of things to talk about. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at getting in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inhouse communication abilities.
Therefore, if we are getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact you will be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that dating could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this is going to be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I anticipated the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had momentarily let go of the rope as I had slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Eventually the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is shifting so that you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked man on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen men get this one fairly wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she isn't scared of heights first. Scalability -- Would the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a three date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No.
This was my go-to order, but, depending on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and decreased the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here's my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday by the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everybody has different food preferences. Then (if you are a guy) you have to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct kinds of (affordable) cuisine. Additionally, it lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Queue the awkward white-boy dance moves. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the connection to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that special night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like science and facts it likely would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on each date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Look for a casual environment that is not intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be sure that you can reliably go to this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you have both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you'll both like that is not too difficult. Avoid intimidating activities like karaoke, group sports, or water skiing. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limits. Date #3: You confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether or not you want to keep on seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I'd go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right
Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are a few questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. The important thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages youback and forth, back and forth. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with internet conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or roughly 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger in the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. Every day I overheard their sales calls where they would use their jedi mind tricks to close deals with multi-million dollar balances. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting into the calendar with the option of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you're putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting a lot of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to check their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you are not ready to date at this time. I had a woman tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and utilized it later myself too).
I should pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and they then proceed to text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He told me,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the more they chase you." If you find someone who you would like to be with really badly, do not scare them away by being obsessive. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates each and every night of the week. Permit the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There is a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In a number of studies, anthropologists have discovered that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the people in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken.
My cadence for dating I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- variable This arrangement meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but depending upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. The important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from dating. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is vital to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply hop on and continue. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. Perhaps the single most important thing to bear in mind though is to let go of expectations and treat the process like an experiment. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and only make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the help of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A means of doing that is by going on dates which aren't just sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something interesting. And, to minimize the risk, you should build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Of course, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal plan being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will scare you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with other people, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you have any more questions about relationship, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.