THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no reply. It definitely wasn't my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I discovered afterwards, I had fallen into a trap called"the meal program." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with men just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone on until there: all 37 dates to be exact. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was really a response for what men do to women. There are three major levers in our lives that, if we pull them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the last 5 years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One dayI was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You're going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process."
In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. By optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll discuss how to streamline the online dating process so you can not only get dates, but maybe find the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I must preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. However, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more likely to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies are not all that mad, but perhaps they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we navigate the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating trip (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we're looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario that I've discovered is that both men and women who are searching for a meaningful relationship are maximizing their relationship for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She's a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' quite beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she'd need my help. Basically, in order to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photographs. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with girls having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the event of dating, is the arrangement of a relationship and what you lead with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual clues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they have found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression.
So, while it's totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading with them in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are lots of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind. Online dating pictures can be both intriguing and classy So, although Maddy was trying to find a relationship, her photos were only sending signals that she is looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every guy who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe directly in their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is entirely your fault. I've seen guys spend hours talking about the statistics of their favorite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will effect the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then start swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I'll outline below work for either desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months later that, while it is great to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (remember I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I was dating the right people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal plans." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's projected that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make up our mind about whether we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They don't get to smell you (it is a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there is a 99% chance it is the wrong one.
If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my pictures. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image was not my best. It was interesting feedback, but I wasn't sure how I could test multiple pictures considering I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I set up a different profile picture on each. I rotated the pictures across profiles before I could get a big enough sample size and be sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture that I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a film I didn't read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so that I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can seem like a pain now, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them frequently. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your games what they think of your pictures. If a conversation with a game was not going well, I decided to get some"user feedback" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) Descriptions are negotiable Now, a part of this error might be my fault, since I took his advice quite literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act.
This turned out to be a horrible idea. Without any filter or idea behind my actions, I rubbed over a few people the wrong way. Now that I've matured a bit, I've come to realize that there's a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we're never our total selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a wonderful podcast on"signals," which you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other men and women. A man wearing a button up top, as an example, is not necessarily wealthy, but the button up shirt is putting out the signal that he is wealthy. Much like someone who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with following convention.
Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and chose to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a girl walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. After some awkward conversation, she explained that her friends were sick of her being single so they had dressed her up to be"cuter" for the party to attract a man. I was that guy. I didn't care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and moved on. Signals matter. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much.
You do not need to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect classic records, you don't want to tell them about the way you cry every time a U2 song comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a good description is perhaps the toughest and personal bit of improving your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are some wrong answers. The first step to having a good dating profile description is having a very clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts: Headline: A short sentence someone can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Internet dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is particularly true for you. If you don't want men messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating programs the way they surf social media sites: quickly and without much thought. It might be, in actuality, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar way. Because of this, I think the headline is perhaps the most important piece of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: "Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active." The goal of the headline is to give a quick snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the individual who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. Chances are they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, great content is about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. For example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she'll definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and be sure that it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph Once that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This is not the time to write a book about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two.
The intro paragraph gives a small amount of colour and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is incredibly important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph that worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favorite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I'm a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I am into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a fantastic book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a few basic activities and hobbies I like and some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The most important thing to remember about this section is to prevent the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anybody. I can't tell you how many profiles I've seen that list things like: "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure that there are people on earth who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the folks in your area enjoy those things too. As opposed to attempting to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outside and photography. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In advertising, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they have viewed your content. In dating, you essentially need the person to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of girls who have paired with a man who they really like, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, they say that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states:
Again, as with all this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try having a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. When they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for example, you have thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first talking and contact where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a huge limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship. For starters, it's a really unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55 percent of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and put them in an unnatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to research your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just would not have been able to determine if I did not have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible ideas I had, but in the poradnik podrywu spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a bad one. QUIZ Which of the following conversation starters performs the best? For bonus points, try to order them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! What is it going?" B) "Hey! (or some other variation of the type of question). How did you like X book?" (according to a book they listed in their profile) I'll let you consider it for a second. (I will add some space before the reply below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer
Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are D, B, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that obviously depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of their profile, such as a picture or a location in their pictures. The reason why I suspect the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? (This is the way I opened the conversation with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The next best choice,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works nearly as well, but it is obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be strange if you used this on a Friday). An alternate version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly as well. I suspect it is because it seems too much like I'm going to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every conversation varies, but there are a few guidelines that I will put in here as suggestions. First, some online dating suggestions for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that sound objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the guy is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation like you want a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Irrespective of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you're so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You're..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation.
Now, a few online dating suggestions for women: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much guys pretend they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and guide the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking any of your own. If you're tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the man about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a man says something that looks weird or strange, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a suggestion for the two parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It is a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to establish a date. Thus, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up good dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of the battle, how well goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. As they say in real estate: location, location, location. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it turns out, it's actually at the most frequently selected dating place: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. Boring, I know. But bear in mind, I was completely new to dating so I was only following what I'd seen in movies. Many of them did not go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I need to experiment with several other locations. What occurred next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously.
It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better girls to go on dates with, it was merely a matter of context. Here's why I believe dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again to your food order. You're not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You look at the menu making remarks about the choices. The waiter comes back ten minutes later. You order food. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What do you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It's a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are getting worse at having in-person conversations. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our inperson communication skills. So, if we are getting worse at getting in-person discussions, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an amazing in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a little ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope on my climbing harness. But there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope just as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not catch the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my upcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. My entire dating profession made a 180-degree turn when I started taking my dates on fun activities instead of dinners. I would take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. A number of these activities worked better than others. However, I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your landscape is shifting so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Activity -- Can we both do the action reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It is fun to teach someone something that you are passionate about, but make sure it is not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she is not scared of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date increase or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No
issue, how do we end the date sooner? Using these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the number of successful dates I went on. Now I know what you are thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some sort of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to sequence, but, based on interests, I'd substitute different activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template which simplified my choices and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my brain. Happy brain = Happy dates. So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks every Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you are a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid accomplishes this since there are over 20 different types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. It is possible to extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a few go-tos, namely: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: What these actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was especially important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I actually liked her. It also meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal event so we can both dress nicely for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman didn't like facts and science it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are merely three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you try to create your own dating arrangement: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try not to book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You've broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you will both like that is not too tricky. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and speaking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for
conversation. Watching a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a little more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you really are, and it should confirm whether or not you want to continue seeing each other long term. Following the excitement of dates one and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you choose gives new intimacy to the relationship. For example, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right Perhaps one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one driving the dating sequence (which isn't necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I'll share my experience (as a heterosexual man living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling" Going from Online to Offline It is very easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message , she messages you, back and forth, back and forth. To be able to make certain that I don't waste all my time with internet conversations I found that it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the virtual world too long. It may feel like it's necessary, but it is quite easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing I noticed is that every time they were finishing a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week after that? O that's no good also. Okay how about the week after that?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. Once I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to a pretty incredible results. This rule is somewhat contrarian, but it's worked really well: Always request the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You are opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. Nobody likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know.
So my suggestion would be to quit playing games, both with the other person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't ready to date right now. I had a woman tell me and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for one caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they've just met and they then proceed to constantly text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you chase them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the more they pursue you." If you discover someone who you would like to be with really poorly, do not scare them away by being fanatical. If they like you too, there's no need to chase them. Yes, you should actively attempt to establish a date, but there is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge whether a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing telephone patterns and length, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships if there is a probability of that relationship weakening. I tried applying this research to relationship in a relatively simple way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse between dates, ironically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for dating that I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1
Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This arrangement meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for enough time for the connection to mature and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of this post, these relationship approaches helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your comfort, your procedure might have to be different than the one above. In fact, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system set up that will help you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you are getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on an actual rollercoaster, it would be foolish to simply jump and hold on. Making certain you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides can help you enjoy the ride a good deal more. As we often discuss about the podcast, even when you let go of expectations and only create your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and decrease your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing that is by going on dates which are not only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your relationship partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something fun. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Locate a few activities you enjoy doing and then match the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, irrespective of how well I did all of the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take each date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you constantly work on yourself, improving your discussions, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can find it. And, if you have any more questions about dating, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.