Snoring Should Be Illegal

by Deb Smalley

I am lying awake in bed and listening to the bloke snore at some horrid hour of the night ,which is a regular occurrence for me.

I always hope he will stop without intervention – he never does.

Sometimes I just want to jump out of bed and run around shouting FIRE just to freak him out and see how he likes being rudely woken up from a lovely sleep.

His snoring can be brought on by several things: being overly tired, having a cold, drinking alcohol, or most frequently lying on his back.

This is a favourite position for him and the least favourite for me, obviously.

I have heard some people sew objects into the backs of pyjama shirts to prevent this. No – not hand grenades!

What are the remedies?

An elbow in the ribs, a kick in the shins or simply shouting, “You are snoring – AGAIN”. Mostly the bloke responds well to instructions such as “turn over” unless he is very tipsy.

In this case he will argue that he does not snore, and it was not him.

This scenario is very annoying and best resolved by relocation of self and punishment for the bloke in the morning. There are a variety of sound effects which go with the various snoring attacks. This time it’s a new kind of snoring – like I needed a new one.

He is in a normal side sleep position, but his lips are fluttering as he breathes out. It sort-of sounds like Mr Ed the horse snorting.

Time for a sharp “TURN OVER” instruction. I seriously hope this is a one-off experience. Then there are the night terrors!

Apparently, the bloke used to sleepwalk as a child; this makes sense now!

For years I have been awakened when the bloke has one of his dream incidents.

He usually sits up abruptly ,which wakes me up. He looks at me and is talking but he is not awake.

Most recently I was told forcefully, “Stop, don’t move”. He then advised that he had earlier found knives in the bed and had moved them for safety but there may be more.

By about this time he is starting to wake up and realise he is talking utter nonsense. He then laid down and said “Not to mention the guillotine”, which I took to be sarcasm and no longer a dream.

I was tempted to say that I bought the knives to cure the snoring!

One time he jumped out of bed and punched his bedside lamp because he thought it was a burglar.

You should have seen his poor, confused face when I turned on the light and he was standing in his jocks confronted by a broken lamp. The sight almost made up for the interruption of sleep and the damage.

There was the time he pointed to the wardrobe and told me there was a flying fox inside or when he made me hold an imaginary sack for him to put non-existent mussel shells into.

I will stop now; it’s getting embarrassing and you will realise I live with a weirdo. I’m on night shift tonight so I will have the bed to myself in the morning, except for the Jack Russell.

I am looking forward to a peaceful sleep and hopefully the neighbour will leave his lawnmower in the shed.

Zzzzzzzzz

Electronic Crime Advice

Originally by Senior Sergeant Graeme Hill, Community & Youth Services, Rotorua

Electronic crime, also known as e-crime or cybercrime, refers to criminal activity that involves the internet, a computer or other electronic devices.

Some e-crime relates specifically to computers, such as distributing damaging electronic viruses or launching a denial-of-service attack which causes a computer system to deny service to any authorised user.

It is important to understand that these types of things are happening at a more frequent rate. Spark, Apple, banks and PayPal all recently featured in e-crime headlines and it is important before clicking on any link that you ensure they are legitimate sites. If in doubt, go to the main website for that particular entity and contact them via that to resolve any issue they have notified you of. Nine out of 10 times it will not be the company contacting you at all.

E-crime prevention:

• Educate yourself about basic online safety at the website of NetSafe, www.netsafe.org.nz • Apply safety advice to all electronic encounters, including mobile phone use and texting • Educate family members about basic online safety • Set up basic protection against malicious software (malware) such as viruses.