Snoring Should Be Illegal by Deb Smalley
I am lying awake in bed and listening to the bloke snore at some horrid hour of the night ,which is a regular occurrence for me. I always hope he will stop without intervention – he never does. Sometimes I just want to jump out of bed and run around shouting FIRE just to freak him out and see how he likes being rudely woken up from a lovely sleep. His snoring can be brought on by several things: being overly tired, having a cold, drinking alcohol, or most frequently lying on his back. This is a favourite position for him and the least favourite for me, obviously. I have heard some people sew objects into the backs of pyjama shirts to prevent this. No – not hand grenades! What are the remedies?
This time it’s a new kind of snoring – like I needed a new one. He is in a normal side sleep position, but his lips are fluttering as he breathes out. It sort-of sounds like Mr Ed the horse snorting. Time for a sharp “TURN OVER” instruction. I seriously hope this is a one-off experience. Then there are the night terrors! Apparently, the bloke used to sleepwalk as a child; this makes sense now! For years I have been awakened when the bloke has one of his dream incidents. He usually sits up abruptly ,which wakes me up. He looks at me and is talking but he is not awake. Most recently I was told forcefully, “Stop, don’t move”. He then advised that he had earlier found knives in the bed and had moved them for safety but there may be more. By about this time he is starting to wake up and realise he is talking utter nonsense. He then laid down and said “Not to mention the guillotine”, which I took to be sarcasm and no longer a dream.
An elbow in the ribs, a kick in the shins or simply shouting, “You are snoring – AGAIN”. Mostly the bloke responds well to instructions such as “turn over” unless he is very tipsy. In this case he will argue that he does not snore, and it was not him. This scenario is very annoying and best resolved by relocation of self and punishment for the bloke in the morning. There are a variety of sound effects which go with the various snoring attacks. Page 21
