What makes this adorable stuffed shark such a cultural sensation?
After 17 months of waiting, TWU faculty finally have their union.
Slump
Coming to terms with the stress and chaos of second year.
The Mars’ Hill team has been batting around the idea of using “Apex” as a theme since the days of SLO Week back in late August. I have always wanted to use it as a theme, but I knew that it would work most effectively towards the end of the school year as we approached the end of this iteration of Mars’ Hill. This year has certainly been a challenging one for us at Mars’ Hill. I have learned a lot working as not only the Editor-in-Chief but also as the Visual Editor and Layout Editor of the paper. You all, by reading this paper, have been witnesses to my growth. While this issue is not our last, as we still have one more to go, “Apex” is an aspiration. It is a challenge to myself and to my team to always be striving for greater things.
I see our theme prominently in our feature article, “A Seat at the Table,” which explores the reasons behind and the results of the recent faculty unionization drive here at TWU. After over a year of waiting for a result, the new faculty union has been approved. The article explores this decision as the climax of many years of internal tension and will be a major turning point in how the faculty and administration are able to work together.
Of course, there is plenty of excellent work within the rest of this issue. Over in News, Hope Evans writes a brilliant piece exploring recent anti-transgender legislation in America. Elsewhere in the section, Berk Berkeliev reports on recent developments to Bill C-11, which promises major changes to Canada’s Broadcasting Act.
Arts & Culture has some great highlights as well. This issue’s “Reviews from the Brink” segment is a passionate attack against the recent film Cocaine Bear. David Witzke talks about Blåhaj the IKEA shark, a stuffed shark that has become a significant online presence in recent years. Lastly, I was lucky enough to sit down with professor Kerri Norris and talk about the theatre department’s production of You Can’t Take It with You
The mission of Mars’ Hill, as the official student newspaper of Trinity Western University, is to inform and entertain its readers, cultivate awareness of issues concerning the TWU community, and provide a forum for purposeful, constructive discussion among its members in accordance with the Community Covenant, Statement of Faith, and Core Values of the University.
Correction Notice:
The article “Closed Eyes Behind Rose-Coloured Glasses” published in Mars’ Hill, volume 27, issue 8 incorrectly reported that student leaders are still required to sign the Community Covenant. Student Life would like to clarify that student leaders are required to sign a “Leadership Covenant” which also includes “broader commitments of being in leadership (all student leaders) and then ones specific to the area they are serving.”
WRITERS
Milo Fritz
Caleb Millard
Michael Plenits
Lorin Scaiano
Bret van den Brink
PHOTOS
Jef Gibbons/SAMC Theatre, pg. 8
Spartans Athletics, pg. 13 TWUSA, pg. 16
Mars’ Hill is a student publication of Trinity Western University located on the traditional ancestral territory of the Stó:lō people. Floated with funds raised by the Student Association, Mars’ Hill seeks to be a professional and relevant student publication, reflecting and challenging the TWU community, while intentionally addressing local, national, and international issues
Mars’ Hill encourages submissions and Letters to the Editor. Mars’ Hill reserves the right to edit submissions for style, brevity, and compatibility with the Mission, the Statement of Faith, the Student Code of Conduct, and the Core Values of the University. Anonymous authorship of any material may be granted at the discretion of the Editor-in-Chief. Opinions expressed in Mars’ Hill belong to the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the editorial board, Trinity Western University, its officials or its Student Association.
Too scared to ask out that hot girl from Rels class? Have a thought you’re dying to share? Did a professor say something strange or funny? Do you have some information that you want to get out to the student body? Whatever it is, the declassifieds are here for you.
Submit yours at www.marshillnewspaper.com/declassifieds
I can’t believe you’ve done this
i really just sprained my ankle over break. ain’t that something
Hanneliese Laskowski’s actual first name is Ham, like the meat. She calls herself “Hanneliese” because she hates the taste of all swine products and doesn’t want to be a hypocrite. She does like chicken though.
I will admit... I had a slight crush on Adrienne Castello, she’s an awesome prof and TWU is worse off with her gone I met someone, and she is the world to me.
Becky is the best professor to exist and you cannot change my mind
From last issue “stfu we all are privileged to go here” has to be the most accurate statement I’ve read in a while.
egg Does it feel good to pick over our corpse? Does it feel right? Does it feel just?
F-king vultures
Not sure if I’m “that one white girl” who wore “braids and got away with it”, that was mentioned in the last Declassified, but I have a feeling I might be. It was just three tight braids that my non-white roommate did and I’m not going to take them out when she passionately worked hard to do them. It’s not really anyone’s business and doesn’t harm anyone. Supporting the liberation of black and coloured people does not mean disconnecting from your diverse community.
Trinity’s insistence on silencing any queer voices is ironically encouraging people to become queer allies.
Diego I love your writing I might be your biggest fan
fned does not know who this “fjord” is. fned is unconcerned.
Fned is the king does “fjord” have custom hoodies? fned doesn’t think so. fned will soon.
Fned rules with extreme authority! This fjord knows nothing.
TWU announce an event more than 2 days before it happens challenge
No but like why did I find out about LNAP literally two days before it happened I fought another 30-year old today - Kelsy
BentzHate to always be the person with problems...but depression is kicking my ass and its lasting multiple semesters
Dear Provost, please stop your spiritually abusive sermons at FBM. You are NOT our pastor but our academic leader.
Todd Martin, why rebuke faculty for not attending contractual events? Have you ever asked yourself if maybe the event rather than the faculty is the issue.
Any up for a vote of non-confidence in the new provost?
FNED Superiority
Don’t tailgate someone… you never know if it’s your professor oops
TWU groups host a movie night and then show the safest, most boring (often animated) choices. Spice it up! Show something interesting or exciting! Not that animated movies are bad, it’s just unfortunate that movies for 10 year olds are the constant go-to!
“The funny things is when you start feeling happy alone, that’s when everyone decides to be you”. -
Jim CarreyWhy do you mind if people put feet on chairs? I can’t hardly survive on a chair without feet up. I think as long as the shoes are clean and don’t wreck the chair, it’s fine. Have you noticed that chairs smell bad after people put feet on them?
Students on campus don’t have a living room to return to, so this kinda *is* their living room.
I don’t think fned can perish, as he is a sticker.
Mark’s husband
“Jesus brought Heaven to earth, you bring Hell to the stage” - Becky Man… Steven and Naomi should start dating They’re so cute together it makes my heart melt [smiley face with teary eyes emoji]
God Bless the people that make you smile and laugh.
I’m doing reading quizzes in 4th year this is absurd
“We can unwind on a Thursday night without falling into sin.”
CONGRATS TO THE UNIONIZED FACULTY!
Y’ALL ARE SUPERSTARS!!
FJORD is superior to fned
FJORD’s reach is worldwide, we even have a wikipedia page mcom 411 goes hard sometimes
Apply for Mars’ Hill 2023/2024!
twusa-affiliated jobs >>> student life-affiliated jobs
Yo why tf are a cartoon character and a type of body of water beefing so hard?
Kids these days *tut tut*
I think I will continue to do declassifieds after I graduate. It’s my personal twitter
In the year of our lord 2023 why are we changing our clocks? We should be better than this. I for one am going to keep living life an hour later
Jocelyn Heyde for valedictorian!!! She is incredibly kind, inclusive, and has been a selfless servant to our campus. Plus I heard she’ll bake everyone cookies…
I would like to sit down and talk to the person who designed Seattle freeways and politely ask them why they put !&$+?£\@ entrances in the fast lane
I think I am blonde both in intelligence and in actuality
Wanna go crazy and maybe perhaps fall in love with me
It be like that
6 weeks and I’m gone. Suckers I’m out I like just want to make money and have plants ya know Give me pesticides or give me life
Eggs are bleeping expensive it’s that dang flu
“We are phantom pizza. We aren’t afraid of death.”
“yeah but everybody making out with the brothers in Christ all the time these days”
Oh, you didn’t know?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Fall and pray
End him slow
A student was assigned a crapload of homework. This is what happened to his will to continue.
Cut it out, I’m just trying to live my life! No one taught me about carbs!
This is madness. THIS IS SPARTA.
A student was assigned a crapload of homework. This is how his will to continue shut down.
Yes baby yes
Mark Husbands, thank you for giving us a faculty union!!!
It’s incredibly cold in here today
The paper towel dispensers that give you 5cm at once... go girl, give us nothing <3
Why my prof just don’t understand that nobody listen to his class because none of us understand what he is talking about?
[six smiling face with single tear emojis]
[ten angry face with censor bar emojis]
The bachelor *gag me* such a joke
Give me that sweet sweet fake love
Ring by spring more like… kids who don’t know what their next step is and just get married because it’s what you’re supposed to do
Last call for declassifieds like we are a bunch of drunks at the bar at 1AM......
Some water turned to whine please.
I don’t know who I am anymore
Mars’ Hill reserves the right to edit or reject submissions based on content and/or length. A printed submission does not reflect an endorsement of any kind, nor does it reflect the opinions of Mars’ Hill or its staff, the student association, or Trinity Western University.
My name is Benjamin Heigh, and my passion is beauty in all of its forms. I believe that beauty can be found in almost everything, but I enjoy creating it through my writing and visual art. I’m currently working through the education program with the hopes of becoming an art teacher.
When I first heard the prompt “Apex,” I thought of apex predators, so I wanted to include some kind of great creature, which is my most comfortable subject, but I also wanted to include other aspects and I landed on the meaning pertaining to the highest point of mountains. It’s funny because working on this, I’m at the “Apex” of my studies, finishing major projects and midterms, as I think most of us are.
“Apex” cover artist: Benjamin Heigh
In the last couple of months, two new laws in Tennessee have caught widespread attention for their implications for transgender youths and drag performers, respectively, and for the disturbing national trend that they illustrate. While there is much discussion online about both laws, as is often the case, the reality is more nuanced than social media makes it out to be.
The first law was passed on March 2 by Governor Bill Lee. It bans gender-affirming care—including surgeries, hormone treatments, and puberty blockers—for anyone under 18. After July 1 of this year, no trans person who has yet to receive care will be able to do so. For youths who are already receiving gender-affirming care, they will lose access to it after March 31 of next year.
of surgeries for minors, such as breast reductions. Only surgeries intended to treat gender dysphoria or gender identity issues are banned.
Gender-affirming care as a treatment for gender dysphoria in minors is endorsed by major medical organizations such as the World Health Organization, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the American Psychiatric Association.
The second law, commonly referred to as an anti-drag law, never actually mentions drag performance by name. Instead, it restricts “adult cabaret performances’’ on public property or in the presence of children and bans such performances within 1000 feet of schools, public parks, or places of worship.
The bill’s definition of “adult cabaret performances’’ includes entertainment such as strippers, exotic dancers, and, most pertinent to the outcry, “male or female impersonators who provide entertainment that appeals to a prurient interest.” The law classifies all of this as “adult-oriented performances that are harmful to minors.”
an “iterative process” and could lead to future bills which become more radical.
It is important to note that, despite the recent uptick in laws of this sort, legal discrimination against gender non-conforming people is not new. Historian Jules Gill-Peterson believes that “we might expect that the application of the law will reflect the history of American policing, about which we already know a great deal. It’s likely that low-wage nightlife performers, like dancers, drag queens, and sex workers will experience an intensification of policing from forces already long practiced at pursuing them.”
There are many more examples from around the United States of such laws. In 2022 alone, more than 300 anti-LGBTQ+ bills were introduced or passed, the majority of which were directed against transgender individuals. Conservative rhetoric against this portion of the population has only grown louder since the repealing of Roe v Wade.
This is the fourth law of its kind to be passed this legislative session, following laws in Utah, South Dakota, and Mississippi. However, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), the ACLU of Tennessee, and Lambda Legal have promised legal action against the law. They stated, “We are dedicated to overturning this unconstitutional law and are confident the state will find itself completely incapable of defending it in court. We want transgender youth to know they are not alone and this fight is not over.”
The law comes after a controversy surrounding the Vanderbilt University Medical Center. Conservative commentators claimed that the centre was performing genital surgeries on minors. The centre denied the claim, saying that the small number of gender-affirming procedures that they conducted on minors were chest surgeries on patients at least 16 years old who had full parental consent.
Republican lawmakers argue that minors are not mentally developed to the point that they are capable of making life-altering decisions, but the law does not reflect this motivation, since it allows other types
Stella Yarbrough, the legal director of the ACLU of Tennessee, points out that the law only prohibits obscene performances, which does not necessarily include all drag-related events. The vague wording of the law, however, is a cause of fear for supporters of drag, who worry about the impacts this law could have on drag story hours in libraries, Pride parades, and other such events where children are welcome. Even if the law does not, in practice, ban such events, some people fear that the bill and the surrounding narrative imply that drag is inherently sexual and harmful to children, further advancing conservative fear-mongering about drag performers and gender non-conforming people being dangerous.
Chase Strangio, the ACLU’s deputy director for transgender justice, called these laws “political theatre” where Republicans were “performing disgust and outrage” but that laws of this sort are
In response to such recent legislation, Canada’s federal government is facing calls to make the process of seeking asylum easier for transgender and non-binary Americans. A parliamentary petition calling for the government to give members of these communities the right to claim asylum regardless of their country of origin has over 132,000 signatures as of March 14. The federal government maintains that LGBTQ+ Americans can already seek asylum, but some argue that the process should be streamlined and that Canada should do more for asylum seekers.
“We want transgender youth to know they are not alone and this fight is not over.”
“The vague wording of the law, however, is a cause of fear for supporters of drag, who worry about the impacts this law could have on drag story hours in libraries, Pride parades, and other such events where children are welcome.”Tennessee Governor Bill Lee. Photo via Mark Humphrey/AP.
The Online Streaming Act, also known as Bill C-11, was introduced to the House of Commons by Pablo Rodriguez, the Minister of Canadian Heritage and Multiculturalism, on February 22, 2022. The Online Streaming Act has recently made news after being passed through its third reading in the Senate with 26 amendments added. It now awaits the House of Commons to decide which of those changes to keep before passing the bill into law.
of “Canadian Content.” Rodriguez says that the Bill is intended to ensure the inclusion of all Canadian talent in the Canadian media and promote French, Indigenous, and Black culture on all platforms.
“The Online Streaming Act will help make sure that our cultural sector works for Canadians and supports the next generation of artists and creators in this country,” Rodriguez said in a press release from February 2022.
watch. “The CRTC is not, has not, and will not be trying to direct what consumers watch,” Scott said in November 2022 to the CBC. “The CRTC’s objective is to ensure that Canadians are made aware of Canadian content and that they can find it. It is not about manipulating algorithms.”
If passed, C-11 would amend the current Broadcasting Act and give authority over Canada’s online media to the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC). The CRTC would be given full control over what is shown to Canadians on platforms like YouTube, Netflix, Disney+, and Spotify to make sure that they are meeting set quotas
Although Bill C-11 is intended to support Canadian content makers and be more inclusive of minority cultures, it has not come without controversy and backlash, as many politicians and media personalities have called this bill a government overreach. Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre said that it is not the government’s role “to dictate from above what the people think, see, and hear.” Canadian author and poet Margaret Atwood said that C-11 could lead to “creeping totalitarianism.” The Online Streaming Act has also received criticism for its vagueness and its lack of a clear definition as to what classifies under “Canadian Content.” For example, the 2010 movie Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was filmed almost exclusively in Toronto and featured Brampton, Ontario native Michael Cera as the leading actor, but was deemed not Canadian.
Ian Scott, chair of the CRTC, has clarified that Bill C-11
The CRTC has held authority over Canada’s radio and television since the passing of the Broadcasting Act in 1991. The Broadcasting Act primarily addresses radio-based content. The aim of Bill C-11 is to update it for the digital age as online content becomes the primary way Canadians access news, music, and many other forms of media.
On March 17, Vladimir Putin had an arrest warrant put on him by the International Criminal Court (ICC). This comes during the midst of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine which rages on and is a fierce struggle between two neighbouring countries. Putin is no stranger to questionable decisions and aggressive moves in his place of power. The ICC has issued his arrest warrant on the charges of various war crimes during the ongoing conflict.
tation of population and that of unlawful transfer of population from occupied areas of Ukraine to the Russian Federation, in prejudice of Ukrainian children.”
Russian government in the invasion of Ukraine. The ICC, in their statement, explained that it is illegal to transport a civilian population from one territory to another, especially children. The ICC emphasizes that children “have special protection under the Geneva Convention.” The President of the ICC, Piotr Hofmanski, goes on to say, “This is an important moment in the process of justice for the ICC. . . . There are credible allegations against these persons for the alleged crimes.”
The statement from the ICC is as follows: “Pre-Trial Chamber II considered, based on the Prosecution’s applications of 22 February 2023, that there are reasonable grounds to believe that each suspect bears responsibility for the war crime of unlawful depor-
Putin, in the Court’s eyes, is guilty of these crimes, along with Maria Alekseyevna Lvova-Belova, Commissioner for Children’s Rights in the Office of the President of the Russian Federation, who is accused of the same war crimes.
These warrants come after actions taken by the
Russia, in lieu of not being a member of the ICC, seems to be unmoved by these arrest warrants. Putin has seemed to be unbothered by scrutiny from seemingly the rest of the world. So it makes sense that these arrest warrants would not lead him to worry. It seems that we draw closer to larger conflict, as oftentimes those who abuse power must be answered by those believing in justice. If Russia continues to move this boldly, some force will rise before it, and there will be conflict. However, it seems that the ICC is moving in the right direction and taking a stand against injustice.
“Although Bill C-11 is intended to support Canadian content makers and be more inclusive of minority cultures, it has not come without controversy and backlash.”
is not designed to control what Canadians can
“The CRTC’s objective is to ensure that Canadians are made aware of Canadian content and that they can find it. It is not about manipulating algorithms.”
—Ian Scott
Diego Bascur
“The ICC has issued [Putin’s] arrest warrant on the charges of various war crimes during the ongoing conflict.”
“This is an important moment in the process of justice for the ICC. . . . There are credible allegations against these persons for the alleged crimes.”
— Piotr Hofmanski
It is a turbulent time for U.S. financial markets after the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank (SVB) on March 10. Just shy of forty years in operation, the California-based bank faced a plummeting stock price and a bank run by clients after facing heavy financial losses. SVB was a major hub for tech startups, venture capital firms, and other technology-based companies in California. It collapsed in just two days, marking the biggest bank failure since the 2008 financial crisis.
Just two days later, the New York-based Signature Bank collapsed, showing signs that the banking crisis was starting to spread. Signature Bank was the home of many crypto-currency and other high-risk investments. By the end of Sunday, March 12, U.S. officials announced major steps to halt the crisis and protect the clients of Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank. Yet, insecurities in the U.S. market are still very real and many banks are fearful of a similar fate as that of SVB.
to elevate the crisis by ensuring depositors that all of their funds including and beyond the initial $250,000 would be insured by FDIC. The Fed announced later that day that they would be establishing a new emergency borrowing system for financial institutions in crisis.
Monday, March 13 — In an address from the White House on Monday morning, President Joe Biden stressed that the U.S. banking system was not on the verge of collapse. “Americans can rest assured that our banking system is safe,” Biden said. “Your deposits are safe. Let me also assure you, we will not stop at this. We’ll do whatever is needed.”
Some Democrats and economists have begun to levy blame on Trump-era financial policies for the collapse of SVB. In 2018, a bipartisan bank reregulation bill reestablished which banks would receive the strictest federal oversight. The law increased the ceiling on which banks would be deemed “systemically important” by federal regulators from banks holding $50 billion USD in assets to banks holding $250 billion USD in assets.
SVB, which had $208 billion USD in assets at time of closure, was exempt from the strictest oversight for the past several years. The same goes for Signature Bank which had $108 billion in assets at the time of its closure.
In an op-ed for The New York Times, Democrat Senator Elizabeth Warren, who argued against deregulation in 2018, wrote, “Had Congress and the Federal Reserve not rolled back the stricter oversight, S.V.B. and Signature would have been subject to stronger liquidity and capital requirements to withstand financial shocks. . . . But because those requirements were repealed, when an old-fashioned bank run hit S.V.B., the bank couldn’t withstand the pressure—and Signature’s collapse was close behind.”
Wednesday, March 8 — SVB announces a $1.8 billion USD loss from selling its securities and bonds, which were all losing money due to severe interest rate hikes at the Federal Reserve. Although their rate of return is often low, these sorts of government bonds are seen as safe investments because of their nature of being associated with the federal government. Banks would not sell this many of their bonds unless they were nearly depleted of cash.
Thursday, March 9 — SVB customers began to withdraw deposits en masse fearing that SVB would soon run out of money causing a “bank run.” Shares in the bank fell by 60 per cent over the course of the day.
Friday, March 10 — The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) shuts down SVB and takes control of its assets. FDIC clarifies that customers with less than $250,000 USD in the bank will be fully insured. However, since most depositors were corporate entities, most of their accounts went far beyond $250,000.
Sunday, March 12 — Signature Bank closed on the orders of the federal government after it began to show early signs of the onset of a bank run. Hours before financial markets reopened in Asia after the weekend, the Biden Administration revealed plans
In 2015, former SVB CEO Greg Becker made a statement to the U.S. Senate to raise the $50 billion USD threshold saying that failure to do so would have small-to-mid-sized banks stuck with “significant burdens that inherently and unnecessarily will reduce our ability to provide the banking services our clients need.”
SVB did not have an official chief risk officer employed in the months before the collapse, which would have been required if it was still under stricter regulation.
Becker, along with the rest of SVB’s senior management, was fired by federal regulators in the wake of the crisis, announced the U.S. treasury department on March 12. That was not before SVB handed out widespread bonuses to its top employees.
The White House has been cautious about doing anything that might be seen as “bailing out” the failed banks, according to insiders. The spectre of the 2008 financial crisis still looms large over the recent bank failures. Former President Barack Obama was criticized heavily in 2009 for using federal funds to bail out large banks while leaving working-class
Americans to suffer the fallout of the crisis unsupported. Initial solutions to the SVB failure from the Biden administration have attempted to support the customers directly affected rather than the business executives behind it all.
“Let me be clear that during the financial crisis, there were investors and owners of systemic large banks that were bailed out,” Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said on March 12. “The reforms that have been put in place mean that we’re not going to do that again, but we are concerned about depositors and are focused on trying to meet their needs.”
The failure of SVB and Signature Bank might just be the first step in greater market uncertainty to come. On Friday, March 17, a collection of 11 U.S. banks—including JPMorgan Chase and Bank of America—infused $30 billion USD into another mid-sized bank, First Republic Bank, after it showed early signs of collapse.
In a joint statement, the 11 banks said that this $30-billion investment “reflects their confidence in First Republic and in banks of all sizes,” adding that “regional, midsize, and small banks are critical to the health and functioning of our financial system.”
The move came two days after bank rating companies Fitch Ratings and S&P Global Ratings downgraded First Republic’s standing for fears that it could not fulfil depositors’ withdrawals.
Meanwhile, megabank Credit Suisse received $53.7 billion USD in support from the Swiss National Bank. While markets had come to an uneasy equilibrium when they closed on Friday, March 17, the exact fallout of the crisis will not be seen until the next week. Early predictions advise depositors in other major banks to stay aware of the crisis but that U.S. markets are not yet in panic mode. The largest U.S. banks still remain stable.
“SVB, which had $208 billion USD in assets at time of closure, was exempt from the strictest oversight for the past several years.
. . . SVB did not have an official chief risk officer employed in the months before the collapse, which would have been required if it was still under stricter regulation.”
“Let me be clear that during the financial crisis, there were investors and owners of systemic large banks that were bailed out.
. . . The reforms that have been put in place mean that we’re not going to do that again, but we are concerned about depositors and are focused on trying to meet their needs.”
Bret van den Brink
“I am now in the country, and reading in Spencer’s fairy-queen. Pray, what is the matter with me?”
—Anonymous, 1712
Iam now in the country (well, in Chilliwack) and have just finished watching Cocaine Bear. Pray, what is the matter with me?
The matter is that I have friends from Mars’ Hill who, I suppose, must enjoy watching me suffer. (Or, perhaps, who enjoy the rhetorical exuberance born of that suffering.) Typically, I choose to focus on what I find to be the particular beauties or excellencies of a given work, finding a charitable mode of discourse to be the most illuminating. Today, however, I come solely to rebuke.
Cocaine Bear, directed by Elizabeth Banks and screen-written by Jimmy Warden, is an unmitigated flood of drugs and violence. This drug-induced gore, of course, surprises no one who has read the title. This film, I can safely say, repaid my expectations to the uttermost farthing. (Though to actually watch it costs many farthings indeed.) Children consume cocaine off their knives, and bears—a mother bear and its two cubs—devour cocaine by the block. There may be something humorous in a bear doing a line of coke from a severed arm, but is there anything worthwhile in a film that is in itself nothing other than a string of such moments? The movie could do something, anything, interesting, but it feels as though it has nothing behind it other than the impetus of one fancy-catching idea—Cocaine Bear Though perhaps apt for it, the movie suggests nothing about the human corruption of nature or nature’s revenge on humanity.
of truth” that Samuel Taylor Coleridge in his Biographia Literaria finds necessary to procure, in his striking phrase, the “willing suspension of disbelief.” The writing is, for the most part, terrible, and the actors, though they do their best, do not remedy that prior deficit.
While a work of art as art should be judged primarily for its aesthetic, rather than its moral, qualities, in the complete lack of the former, I cannot help but consider the latter. These additional considerations will be of no benefit to Cocaine Bear. Thomas Babington Macaulay famously stated that “The puritan hated bear baiting [the practice of setting dogs to fight chained bears for entertainment], not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.” This characterization may be fair to the silliest sort of Puritans, but most would surely object primarily to taking pleasure in the wrong sorts of things, such as the needless suffering of God’s creatures. As Philip Stubbes asks in The Anatomie of Abuses, “What Christian hearte can take pleasure to see one poore beast to rent, teare, and kill an other, and all for his foolish pleasure?” Cocaine Bear is, of course, not comparable to bear-baiting insofar as it has human actors and CGI bears suffering (and inflicting) the abuse. Nonetheless, while it may be true that to delight in the simulacra of an immoral act is not to delight in an immoral act itself, it is not far from it.
at nothing to protect her daughter and her daughter’s friend?” What of them?! They are so clichéd as to be banal, and anyone who could fail to appreciate these values before watching Cocaine Bear is beyond Cocaine Bear’s help and is likely to be further misled by it.
“While a work of art as art should be judged primarily for its aesthetic, rather than its moral, qualities, in the complete lack of the former, I cannot help but consider the latter.”
For a movie that bookends itself with reminders that it is based (somewhat) on a true story, Cocaine Bear is consistently unbelievable. It lacks the “human interest” and “semblance
“But Bret,” I hear that annoying voice in my mind cry, “what of the downfall of the drug dealer? What of the moral conversion of his son, who would live a better life for his own son’s sake? What of the mother who would stop
Life may sometimes seem, in the words of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, “a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, / Signifying nothing,” but it is not; Cocaine Bear, on the other hand, is. Insofar as I have understood it, the film has no redeeming value, whether aesthetic or moral. Time flies, and I irreparably have lost 95 minutes of my life—I implore you, do not lose that time yourself. Tell someone you love them, catch up on some sleep, or read Spenser’s The Faerie Queene—just do something, anything, worthwhile.
“There may be something humorous in a bear doing a line of coke from a severed arm, but is there anything worthwhile in a film that is in itself nothing other than a string of such moments?”Still from Cocaine Bear. Photo via Universal.
Pyre is a video game from renowned San Francisco-based studio Supergiant Games where you, as the player, adopt the persona of the reader, a faceless character exiled for knowing how to read. You have been exiled into a mythical fantasy realm known as the Downside. The only way back to society is by competing in a series of rites where you must plunge a sphere into the opposing team’s pyre. Everyone in the Downside has been cast there by a country called the Commonwealth. As the main political power of Pyre’s fantasy world, they tend to conquer and exile anyone that opposes them based on their own sense of morality, rather than any true sort of justice. The game’s narrative later reveals that the outcome of these rites qualifies one of your top three team members for freedom and reintegration back into the Commonwealth.
The Commonwealth aims to use the punishment of exile to create the perfect utopia and reduce all future crimes to next to nothing, which is a theoretically beautiful idea but impossible to achieve in practice.
The biggest flaw with this sort of quasi-utopian justice system is that there is no room to make mistakes. By definition, this system divides people into binary definitions of good and bad. For example, we can look at quite a few justice systems in the world, namely in North America and Asia, that are very harsh. They show little concern for people learning from their mistakes. One minor slip-up and individual’s struggle to find a job for the rest of their lives. People feel spiteful and have no choice but to repeat their offenses. The Commonwealth even exiled those of a different race than themselves. The way the Commonwealth exiled fantasy races like Wyrms, Harpys, and Imps, bears a striking resemblance to how many justice systems seem to handle marginalized groups. They hand out punishments that are different than what might be sentenced to those who the enforcers see in a more positive light, whatever their bias may be.
cated or even have responsibility within their walls. Each of these systems provides a different outlook on justice and asks different questions about what it means to be rehabilitated.
The key thematic piece of Pyre is seeing that even the most heinous criminals who have been exiled have a side of humanity still left in them. They have the potential to grow into something redeemable. It poses the problem of our justice system that we cast them away and ignore them. It not only dehumanizes them, but it also takes away the idea that we see that people have stories and reasons behind their actions. We need to see these motivations and figure out the best plan of rehabilitation, rather than exiling them away.
While Pyre may be a game based on fantasy, it has some very real statements to make on modern justice. These statements stem from the extremely immersive lore of the world Supergiant Games created; the Commonwealth has taken over most of the world, and the resulting so-called peace results in the exile of anyone who the Commonwealth deems bad or who deviates from the norm. Once the exiles wake up in the Downside, they are stuck there for life unless they join a team and compete in the aforementioned rites against fellow exiles.
We see the similarities between what Pyre says about the modern justice systems and their version of justice. Modern systems focus too much on punishment and not nearly enough on rehabilitation. Rehabilitation is compassionately seeing those who have made mistakes and recognizing that some can be redeemed through this experience. Rehabilitation and the opportunity to wipe your slate clean will provide the opportunity for those who have made minor slip-ups to continue on in life without the pressure to commit more offenses. For those who have committed more heinous crimes, we should still provide them with the opportunity for rehabilitation even if they deservedly no longer have the right to be free. Multiple prisons in Europe have provided the opportunity to be edu-
Pyre points directly at the flaws in our justice system by allowing us to see our real world inside a fantasy world. By playing this game, you know that even the worst people in this world have some shred of human decency. While some seem to deserve their fate, you see the humanity and value of them as a human being. Pyre points out that humans are not very good at justice. To cast someone away from civilization and society for the rest of their lives due to a small mistake is a sad reality that happens all too often. The way Pyre presents its characters tells us their stories in a way that can humanize even the worst of people, to the point where you can see the potential for good within them. We should look forward to the way we conduct our lives and see the humanity in all.
During reading break, I decided I was going to IKEA. My main goal was to buy a stuffed shark. Its trademark shark is named Blåhaj, a blue shark that comes in a variety of forms but most commonly in the form of a three-foot-tall stuffed shark. I knew I was going to write this article after I saw a series of IKEA ads about Blåhaj being a Japanese realtor who helps build tiny homes in Japan. Ergo, I was convinced that Editor-in-Chief Seth Schouten would let me buy one for the office because who does not want a giant, stuffed shark in their office? Yet when I finally bought the shark, I realized that I did not want to buy it for the office: I wanted to buy it for myself. So I bought it for myself. Sorry Mars’ Hill, this shark is all mine.
Blåhaj has an interesting effect on people. The fullsize shark is somewhat impractical, namely because it is the size of a small child, and at close to $40, is not exactly a cheap stuffed animal. Yet there is something intrinsically magnetic about Blåhaj. There is no shortage of articles on Blåhaj, whether detailing their rise to viral fame in Russia, their ever-increasing popularity on Tiktok, or how the shark became a trans icon in early 2021. The shark has a fairly large following online with 66,000 members in the r/blåhaj subreddit. It is thought that Blåhaj rose to prominence largely by people posting the shark doing human activities like dining at a table, taking a shower, or reading a newspaper. The shark struck a chord with the transgender community, possibly
after IKEA released a series of Swiss ads in favour of same-sex marriage in 2021.
When IKEA announced they were discontinuing the product last year in the UK and in China, social media was afire with people concerned for their beloved Blåhaj. While the product is not being discontinued in the U.S. or Canada, users were still concerned about the shark’s impending demise. A thread on Chinese social media Weibo had over 72 million views and spawned 10,000 comments at the time when insider.com reported on the issue last October.
Blåhaj is a curious little shark. Its existence provides an easy story for arts and culture journalists to latch onto—a fluff piece with all that you could ever ask for in a viral story. It is an evergreen story of communities around the globe embracing a stuffed IKEA shark. It makes for great journalism, but it is hard to understand Blåhaj without seeing it for yourself. Nothing will ever match the feeling of getting into the IKEA elevator with a random assortment of adults—each of whom has their own boring carts full of furniture and candles—while holding my Blåhaj
proudly. It is a reminder that each of us deserves a little joy, even if that joy is only a stuffed shark the size of a small child. But seriously, who would not want a Blåhaj?
“By definition, this system divides people into binary definitions of good and bad. . . . They show little concern for people learning from their mistakes.”
“Pyre points directly at the flaws in our justice system by allowing us to see our real world inside a fantasy world.”
“Blåhaj has an interesting effect on people . . . there is something intrinsically magnetic about Blåhaj.”
Sometimes the best solution to life’s hardships is laughter. Or so suggests Kerri Norris, the director of SAMC Theatre’s latest production. It has not been an easy time for Trinity Western University’s theatre department as of late. With its closure at the end of the Spring 2024 semester inching ever closer, perhaps the best solution to the department’s woes is to make people laugh.
Norris, who also works as a professor at TWU and is currently serving as the interim chair of the department, firmly believes in the importance of laughter in times of trouble. “In times of trouble, what do people want to do?” Norris asked rhetorically. “They want to see musicals, they want to see comedies. They want to be able to laugh because there is a lot of pain going on in their lives.”
For its third-to-last-ever play, the department is staging a production of George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart’s comedy You Can’t Take It with You, which was first performed on Broadway in 1936 during the midst of the Great Depression. It won the 1937 Pulitzer Prize for Drama and was adapted into a film, directed by Frank Capra, in 1938 where it won the Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Director. Since the rights to the script became licensable in 1939, the play has remained a favourite of many theatre groups both professional and amateur. Norris recalled acting in a production of the play at Vancouver’s Pacific Theatre.
I interviewed Norris about a week and a half before the show opened, right on the advent of “tech week,” a stretch of long and arduous rehearsals that incorporates sound and lighting effects with the actors’ performances. She was very enthusiastic about how the show was evolving and the work that she and her actors had completed.
“I feel like my focus and process is that when we go into that week of tech, I want the actors to feel solid in the story that they’re telling,” she said. “So that doesn’t mean that the work stops . . . but I want the framework of things to be able to support them through those final discoveries.”
Norris spoke about her desire to differentiate her production from others through many of the storytelling concepts that she has implemented. While she was cautious not to give away all of the show’s big surprises, she did mention that audience members will be able to take home bits and pieces of the show with them.
“I’m not going to give away all of what the concept contains, but the important thing is that we’re populating the space with things from our furniture and our props cabinets,” she said. “They’re going to be tagged. . . . If [the item has] got a green tag, you can just take it at the end of the show that night. . . . If it’s something that’s blue, that means that we just need it to the end of the run. . . . And there are a few things that are red-tagged because we’ve had to borrow some specific things or rent some specific things. You can’t take the xylophone we’ve rented from Long & McQuade,” she added with a laugh.
While You Can’t Take It with You is far from Norris’ first production at TWU—she has been a staple of the director’s roster since 2018’s Comedy of Errors—it will be her last before the department closes. The show carries a distinct emotional and thematic resonance for Norris as she closes out her time as a director. She points to two key questions that she has found herself asking through the process of creating this play: “What do I want to leave with?” and “What do I want to leave behind?”
Norris spoke quite fondly about working with the cast and how willing they were to follow her directorial vision as well as the amount of energy they were able to bring to the project. “When I would drive [home] with Stephen [Norris’ husband] every night, I would be like, ‘When are they going to say that I’m crazy?’ . . . I kept waiting for that moment to happen because I was asking a lot of them: to buy into a very specific concept of things, to frame this seemingly traditional play in a slightly different way, that I was never going to be satisfied and that we were always going to dig deeper and look for more. . . . And that never happened, which is such a gift to have everyone in the room working at that capacity and willing to invest so much all of the time and just not give up.”
Norris went on to describe the supportive environment created by the cast and the number of creative decisions that the cast had a hand in making: “They created a whole bunch of the stuff you’re going to see on stage. I had plans, and they came in and did something, and I’m like, ‘Well that’s better than what I thought of.’ I have no problem embracing what they bring in because I think my job is to shape things, and if they bring lots to the table, then I need to be open to what the journey is too.”
You Can’t Take It with You is a screwball comedy about the eccentric Vanderhof-Sycamore-Carmichael family and the many other oddballs who have taken residence in their home. After Alice Sycamore, the only “normal” member of the family, falls in love with Tony Kirby, the wealthy heir to a successful family business, the Vanderhof-Sycamore-Carmichael family finds themselves struggling to connect with Tony’s formal, traditional parents while trying to evade the government. Norris notes that the Vanderhof-Sycamore-Carmichaels are not particularly concerned about money; instead, they foster an attitude of encouraging people to pursue their passions, whether or not they are good at them.
“Ultimately, [the play] is about trying to live life passionately and with love,” said Norris. She mentioned that the play has a “farcical fabulousness” to it. “[In a screwball], things are crazy and zany. Things are taken to the extreme in certain circumstances,” said Norris describing the play’s comedic sensibilities. “But I think that a lot of the descriptors of this play don’t capture the other story that’s going on, which is Alice’s journey to figure out why she’s ashamed of her wacky family. So she almost has a counter-reaction to growing up in this environment and falls in love with someone she doesn’t think could fit. . . . How sad is that?”
“I really hope that [audience members] fall in love with the characters,” said Norris talking about her hopes for the audience’s reaction to the production. While Norris has been directing plays for many years, she still experiences the same anxieties on opening night. “I feel the same way on opening night for any play that I direct. I just want the audience to laugh at that time, and I just want them to give [the actors] their energy, and I just want them to see the magic that [the actors] have put together in rehearsal. It’s not actually about me wanting the actors to do it right; I want the audience to open themselves up and just go on the journey. . . . Like a mom, I sit in the back corner and I bite my nails.”
You Can’t Take It with You runs March 21 – April 1. Tickets are available at twu.ca/theatre.
The director of SAMC Theatre’s latest production discusses the power of comedy, the end of the department, and the things you can take with you.
“When I would drive [home] with Stephen every night, I would be like, ‘When are they going to say that I’m crazy?’”
“[Norris] points to two key questions that she has found herself asking through the process of creating this play: “What do I want to leave with?” and “What do I want to leave behind?””The cast of You Can’t Take It with You. Photo via Jef Gibbons/SAMC Theatre.
In October 2021, the full-time and sessional faculty of Trinity Western University held a vote to determine whether it would join a union. While not the first attempt at faculty unionization in TWU’s history, this particular union drive was fueled by a series of actions by TWU administration in recent years, including the controversial Institutional Prioritization Process (IPP) which led to TWU’s decision to close the theatre program and the Master of Arts degree in teaching English to speakers of other languages (MA TESOL) program. According to the organizing committee, the lead group of faculty who have spearheaded the unionization drive, the main concern is that faculty have largely been left out of the university’s decision-making processes and that the newly formed union would give faculty a “seat at the table.”
The university challenged the union’s proposed bargaining unit, causing the case to go to the B.C. Labour Relations Board (LRB). Finally, seventeen months after the initial vote, the LRB approved the bargaining unit, the votes were counted, and the full-time faculty secured a union. From CLAC’s knowledge, TWU’s faculty union is the first certified faculty union at a private Christian post-secondary institution in North America.
Having a unionized faculty at TWU is bound to raise concerns and questions from TWU’s students, alumni, administration, and community members with a vested interest in the school. To better understand the unionization effort, Mars’ Hill engaged with faculty members involved in organizing it to provide some history of the quest for faculty unionization at TWU, the causes behind the current unionization effort, and why forming a union supports the community of TWU. At their request, comments within this article have been left anonymous to protect the identities of faculty members.
In 2012, TWU faculty launched a drive to join the faith-based labour union, the Christian Labour Association of Canada (CLAC), following the termination of one faculty member and the subsequent lawsuit between that faculty member and TWU. According to some faculty, their relationship with the administration was rather precarious, especially when it came to legal issues. With a union, faculty would have legal standing with administration and would be able to access additional resources, such as expertise in labour law and legal representation. While the TWU Faculty Association has existed since 1979, it serves only as a “recommendation body” which, according to the organizing committee, gives it less power and official status than the TWU Student Association (TWUSA) and the TWU Alumni Association (TWUAA).
The 2012 union drive did not ultimately prove to be
successful––by a remarkably small margin. In May 2013, the Vancouver Sun reported that 46 per cent of faculty voted in favour of joining CLAC with 54 per cent voting against it.
After what those involved in current unionization efforts call a “near miss,” the TWU administration enacted policies to make the voices of faculty members more prominent in high-level decision-making. Under the leadership of former university president Robert Kuhn, the university established the Faculty Work Environment Committee (FWEC)—which allowed for members of faculty and administration to regularly meet and discuss faculty concerns—and added five new “constituency members” to the Board of Governors— including the Faculty Association chair, the University Senate chair, the Staff Association chair, the Alumni Association chair, and the TWUSA president.
However, a statement from organizers noted that these efforts for greater faculty inclusion have largely been stalled since the appointment of the new president in 2019.
“We are back to the same place,” the statement said, “where arbitrary and aggressive decisions by the administration leave faculty with no recourse but leaving or hiring a lawyer—both of which have happened in the last two years.”
According to faculty organizers, much has happened in the last few years to renew the cause for unionization.
“For 10 years, faculty have tried as hard as possible to work through workplace and employment issues through [FWEC],” said the organizing committee, “but despite all these efforts, the results were mixed.”
They said that changes to programs have been suddenly implemented without input from faculty; often these program changes negatively impact students’ ability to complete their degrees in a
timely manner. Furthermore, department chairs are discouraged from taking up their grievances with the administration.
The organizing group also mentioned that the promises made by the administration to address faculty concerns in the wake of the unsuccessful 2012 union drive have stalled.
“The efforts of the university administration . . . are open to interpretation. Whether those efforts were sincere or not, there are many issues that were never resolved. Pay was definitely increased, although it is still short of targets agreed upon by the Faculty Association and the administration. A dispute resolution process was created, but it’s not clear how useful it would be for a real violation of labour law committed by the university administration.”
Organizers continued, “Over the last several years, the administration and Board [of Governors] have taken steps to remove faculty and staff voices from any consequential decision-making . . . Faculty requests to be more transparent were explicitly rejected.” The selection of the current president was a completely confidential process, preventing faculty and staff from meeting with the candidate—or even knowing who it was—during the hiring.
In faculty organizers’ view, one of the most notable examples of faculty being left out of TWU’s decision-making processes is the Institutional Prioritization Process (IPP). Beginning in Fall 2020, the IPP was a university-wide review of programs conducted by the administration of TWU to determine their future viability.* The organizing group claims that “faculty participation in the controversial [IPP] was controlled through a requirement for confidentiality by faculty representatives on the IPP committee, and faculty feedback after the process was essentially ignored.”
According to the LRB, a bargaining unit is “the group of employees represented by a union, or the employees the union is proposing to represent when it applies for certification.”
Further, faculty voices on the Board of Governors were suddenly removed in the summer of 2022 without any consultation. Instead, these former faculty voices were replaced with several “Standing Committees.” Faculty said that admission to these committees requires “rigid and unquestioning acceptance of institutional affirmations.”
In July 2021, following the announcement of the closure of the theatre and MA TESOL programs, the Faculty Association delivered a vote of non-confidence in the President-initiated IPP. The Aldergrove Star reported that 71 per cent of faculty agreed with the motion, 9 per cent abstained, and 20 per cent opposed. Without the backing of a
“[T]he administration and Board [of Governors] have taken steps to remove faculty and staff voices from any consequential decision-making.”*Editor’s note: The history and controversy surrounding the IPP has been discussed in past issues of Mars’ Hill including volume 25, issue 5, as well as volume 26, issues 1, 5, and 6. Digital copies of back issues are available at issuu.com/marshillonline SETH SCHOUTEN
union, however, the result of this vote did nothing to sway the administration.
While organizers cite these changes as the biggest and most obvious concerns, they claim that “in many smaller interactions on a daily basis, it has become exceptionally clear that not only is faculty input in the running of the university not desired, it is actively viewed as problematic and something to be suppressed.”
The Christian Labour Association of Canada is a multi-sector, non-partisan labour union started in 1952. According to their website, CLAC currently has over 60,000 members nationwide in a variety of fields including “construction, education, emergency services, healthcare, retail, service, transportation, manufacturing, and more.”
From the perspective of faculty, one major case in point was a series of “fireside chats” the president engaged in with TWU’s various schools and faculties as part of a “listening tour” in the fall of 2021. These events were promoted as opportunities for faculty to get to know the president and vice versa. But rather than facilitating open exchange, faculty found the conversation to be tightly controlled so as to avoid any controversial topics—which were, naturally, what faculty truly wanted to be addressed.
“Most public declarations by the administration follow this pattern: appearance of openness is more highly valued than actual substantial openness. The results of this approach are evident at all levels of the university. Numerous high-quality faculty, staff,
and administrators have either left, been fired, or are in the process of leaving. As always, there are many reasons for any individual’s decision, but the climate created by the current administration is a significant factor for many.”
Many faculty members were also afraid of how the administration would react to open criticism of their decisions. “In spite of guarantees of academic freedom that TWU subscribes to,” they said, “there is real fear among faculty and staff about speaking openly and offering criticism of decisions or the general direction of the university. People who express concerns about leadership are in danger of being targeted with reprisals. Long-time, loyal TWU staff have been let go at such times and in such a way that other employees reasonably worry if they would be next.”
Yet the fear of reprisal did not sway the organizing committee from pushing for a unionized faculty. The union drive officially began in August 2021 as faculty began to return to campus.
On March 10, news came that the LRB had rejected TWU’s challenge to the bargaining unit and the results of the vote were finally announced. 64 per cent of faculty voted in favour of the union. There were 110 votes in favour and 62 in opposition.
In response to the vote, TWU administration directed Mars’ Hill to the statement available on their
website. “TWU respects the democratic process and the decision of the LRB,” the statement read, “and we commit to working together with all faculty to advance a healthy and productive working relationship. It is important to note that there are no immediate changes for employment contracts with full-time faculty.”
“TWU faculty demonstrated incredible patience waiting for the results of this vote,” said Nathan Matthews, a Provincial Representative for CLAC, in a media release. “We are very pleased to deliver positive news.”
The organizing group addressed concerns that the current bargaining unit only represents full-time faculty. “At most Canadian universities, different types of instructors are represented by different unions because, while they share many conditions of the workplace, they do have different interests. . .
. There is no desire to discriminate against parttime faculty. If part-timers wish to be unionized, they will either be welcomed into the union membership in short order, or CLAC will assist them in forming their own bargaining unit that takes into better account their unique employment situation. Different unions can work in partnership with each other and with the university so that everyone benefits—including students.”
With the union drive now concluded, CLAC, faculty, and the administration now begin the first collective bargaining discussions to form a first collective agreement for faculty and the university.
Mars’ Hill spoke with Matthews shortly after the announcement of the results. He said that early conversations and interactions with TWU’s administration have been “positive” and that he, along with CLAC and faculty, is “looking forward to working together.” CLAC has begun preliminary meetings with the administration and will be conducting in-depth meetings with representatives from all of TWU’s schools and faculties.
“Our goal—and the approach of CLAC in general,” said organizers, “is to create a workplace culture that benefits all the stakeholders of the university. The current decision to concentrate all meaningful power at the university into the hands of the senior administration and the board is dangerous and unhealthy for the university. Institutions whose leaders have little to no accountability are institutions that are heading for failure. Faculty want to work with administration for the success of TWU, not under the command of the administration. Healthy organizations are ones with open critical discourse, even when that gets uncomfortable. For many of us faculty, a union seems to be the only way to get to that place.”
“Our goal . . . is to create a workplace culture that benefits all the stakeholders of the university.”
After an anxious seventeen months of waiting, TWU’s new faculty union could be a major turning point in faculty-administration relations. It marks the first faculty union for a private Christian post-secondary institution in North America.
Calling all students that need to satisfy the “Quantitative and Computational Ways of Knowing” requirement, also known as the “math requirement”—which last I checked, is everybody, as it is a core requirement. A new kid has arrived on the block that is friendly, welcoming, and encouraging no matter your educational background, and that kid comes in the form of MATH 191 taught by Glen Van Brummelen.
jors and throw himself into the world of mathematics by completing 17 math courses in two semesters. (I am going to double check this)
So what is the deal with this class? Well, here is the boring description first. MATH 191: Mathematics, History, and Culture “investigates the history of some of the principal mathematical societies, including ancient Egypt, Babylon, and Greece; pre-modern Islamic societies, India, and China; indigenous cultures; and the modern west, providing context for students’ performance of arithmetic, algebra, and geometry. Students shall discover how mathematics is shaped by, and itself shapes, historical movements, philosophical positions, and issues of faith.” Now that that is over, let us talk about what MATH 191 is really like.
Here are some other great quick facts about this class. There are no exams, no midterms, you are never asked to go up in front of the class to solve a question, and there are engaging drawings on the board such as Glensheep. In-class work is done in groups, and most assignments are encouraged to be collaborative. Last but not least, in the thirty years that Glen has taught this class across multiple institutions, only three students have ever failed. He guarantees his students they will not fail if they “show up, do the assignments, and get help,” which is readily accessible.
Glen Van Brummelen is a Canadian historian of mathematics specializing in the historical applications of mathematics to astronomy. In his words, he is the “best trigonometry historian and the worst trigonometry historian,” as he is the only one. His unquestionable love for mathematics started during what he would describe as his rebellious years at the University of Alberta. While one might associate rebellious years with defiant behaviour, a new haircut, and telling their mom that she cannot tell them what to do anymore, this was not the case for young Van Brummelen. Glen’s rebellious act was to change ma-
Have you ever felt like the school system has let you down when it comes to math? This is a topic that Glen covers frequently throughout the course. The very first day, Glen asks students to try and solve some questions with the quadratic equation. Do you remember that thing? After five minutes of uneasy, gut-clenching remnants of high school math exams, Glen asks you to crumble that sheet of paper and throw it in the garbage. Following this, Glen tells the entire class to forget everything they know about math because this class is not here to test them on information that the Canadian school system has failed to teach them. Glen introduces all concepts only after getting the class to make unanimous pledges like “I solemnly swear to forget everything I know about math up to this point,” and “I solemnly swear that if I get stuck, I will ask for help and not get overwhelmed.” Not only does it create a great learning environment because it shows that he cares about his students, but it also generates humour to relieve the inevitable tension created in a math class.
Glen is an amazing, energetic, and student-first professor. I have never experienced a class like this, and it has revolutionized my perspective on learning in the classroom environment. If you are looking to satisfy that intimidating core requirement, do yourself a favour and take this class next semester.
“Glen introduces all concepts only after getting the class to make unanimous pledges like “I solemnly swear to forget everything I know about math up to this point,” and “I solemnly swear that if I get stuck, I will ask for help and not get overwhelmed.””
“In the thirty years that Glen has taught this class across multiple institutions, only three students have ever failed. He guarantees his students they will not fail if they “show up, do the assignments, and get help,” which is readily accessible.”
Ihad never heard of second-year slump until I was in it. Also known as the sophomore slump, the all-too-familiar phenomenon occurs when the transition from high school to university is complete, leaving second-year students with the expectation to meld with the academic world while simultaneously balancing extracurricular involvement, some semblance of a social life, and maybe the heaviest weight of all, their own expectations. My first year was unbelievably successful. It was such a good time that after struggling through the first semester of my second year, I feared I peaked too early. What happened?
Second year, first semester. My nemesis. Suddenly everything became extremely difficult. No matter how hard I worked or how much effort I put in, my grades were not where I wanted them to be. It felt as though even if I worked all day long, there was simply not enough time to get everything done. It seemed as though everyone around me had it all figured out. Yeah, it was still tough sometimes, but they seemed to be doing so well. I am not in my first year anymore. Why could I not just get it together?
I am not alone. Many students report feelings of confusion, stress, and exhaustion when facing at least another two years until graduation as they begin to
conditions of these mini homeless cities or the sheer number of them throughout Portland. These lawless encampments are riddled with trash and filled with human suffering. They occupy a spot in almost every neighbourhood and are becoming an increasingly alarming reality for city residents.
focus on declaring a major. The lures of first year have worn off and invitations to honours programs and internships can look like a fantasy if grades are slipping. Time flies as the calendar months flip by, and before you know it, the midterm is replaced with the final exam. Sophomores have been described as the “middle children of higher education,” in the Daily Emerald. Maybe that is why someone neglected to tell me about second-year slump.
I can get through two semesters. In the big picture, the difficulty that I am experiencing will end just like any other school year does. While it certainly does not feel like it when the apex of my ability to conquer university seemingly happened in my first year, I know that my slump is only temporary. My sense of success is subjective, but I am successful this year, even if I trick myself into thinking that I am not. This may not be the zenith of my university years, but at the end of the day, if I want to reach the summit, I have to keep looking up.
Portland, Oregon. A tale of two cities. One side is rich with high-rises and upper-class citizens to go with them, reflecting off the beautiful Colorado river which runs through the city. The other is a sea of tents, comprised of impoverished people without homes living in the tarp-covered structures that are spread out across the cityscape. These small villages of tents offer a grim look into deep-seated problems in the city of Portland.
What does it mean to be homeless though? What kind of reality is faced by people every day who are without a set place to live? Portland has made being homeless easier than most places. With the legalization of “urban camping” in 2014, those who suffered from the affordable housing shortage in Portland took to camping out in the city. Yet the core of the problem is not solved, and the homeless population continues to suffer because of it. The homeless population usually includes those outcasted from society. On the streets, many homeless people suffer from trauma, substance abuse, and family conflict. They are abandoned by society and many walk by these human beings ignoring the faces of isolation and depression that look back at them.
The sad reality is that Portland has become an unrealistic, unaffordable place to live, with the cost of living 27 per cent higher than the average across the U.S. There are some who choose to be homeless, living in these camps due to the high cost of actually living in a house or apartment in the city. It is a sad reality, although increasingly common. Since 2019, there has been a 30 percent increase in homelessness in Portland.
find the key which frees a person. Nothing less than lifetime devotion to solving these problems in each individual case is what is required.
“The sad reality is that Portland has become an unrealistic, unaffordable place to live, with the cost of living 27 per cent higher than the average across the U.S. There are some who choose to be homeless, living in these camps due to the high cost of actually living in a house or apartment in the city.”
Portland, Oregon. A place where penthouses look down on loosely structured shelters, built with nothing more than a tarp and pieces of plywood. The contrast in class is perfectly showcased when venturing through Portland. The rich remain rich, and the poor become homeless.
Venturing through Portland, one can see how these villages have become ingrained into the topography. It is hard to comprehend or put into words the living
However, the mayor of Portland, Ted Wheeler, is poised to aid the homeless population. His proposed solution would see new housing developments, more work opportunities for those unhoused, and requests for more funding to aid the homeless. This ambitious plan is a good step forward, yet the cycle of poverty is a strongly-built cage, and it is not always so easy to
“Many students report feelings of confusion, stress, and exhaustion when facing at least another two years until graduation as they begin to focus on declaring a major. The lures of first year have worn off and invitations to honours programs and internships can look like a fantasy if grades are slipping.”
Sadie
Diego Bascur
“Venturing through Portland, one can see how the homeless have grown into the landscape, like vines growing on a stone wall. They have become ingrained into the topography.”
Editor’s Note: This article written was prior to the National Championship
It is that time of year. The men’s and women’s volleyball teams successfully made it to the Canada West finals and are on the road to Nationals!
On March 11, the Spartans women’s volleyball team faced the Mount Royal Cougars in the Canada West Finals. Going into the game with a 36–3 overall record and ranked No. 1 in U Sports, another CanWest title looked promising.
Nevertheless, the Cougars have been in close competition with the Spartans in the past. On the national stage, the Spartans faced the Cougars in the gold-winning game at nationals in 2022. The Spartans have remained victorious against the Cougars this season with a 4–0 record throughout the 2022/2023 season.
back on top. Senior players Jesse Elser and Brodie Hofer are also playing an important role in this, as they continue to lead their team to victory before they graduate.
The Cougars put up a great fight—specifically in the second set. Middle blocker Nyadholi Thokbaum seemed to hold down the fort for the Cougars. Thokbaum was the leading scorer of the night for the Cougars with 11 kills and 6 blocks—keeping Spartans’ middle blocker Kaylee Plouffe on her toes.
After losing the first set 25–18, the Cougars stepped up in the second set and challenged the Spartans by going on multiple runs. It was a game of ping pong with the score going back and forth between the Cougars leading to the Spartans leading. The Spartans came out with a 5–1 lead with the Cougars quickly getting ahead with a 12–4 run. The set ended in a riveting final score of 25–22.
Even though the Cougars and Spartans maintained a suspenseful game that left the audience on edge, the Spartans pulled a three straight-set win to end the night.
This was not just any regular win. This was the fourth consecutive CanWest title for the women’s team, meaning they will enter the U Sports Championship as the No. 1 seed. This has been a historical career for senior players Ansah Odoom, Emma Gamache, Savannah Purdy, Meaghan Mealey, Dora Komlodi, and Mikayla Clay—so you can imagine their anticipation as they fight for another national title.
Coming off a national championship in the 2021/2022 season, the Spartans are ready to come home with another banner. Given their undeniable passion and skill this season, it is easy to trust that the Spartans will capture the title of “national champs” once again.
On March 10, the men’s volleyball team faced No. 1 ranked team, the University of Alberta Golden Bears, in the gold-medal match for the CanWest title.
The outcome of this game was more uncertain than usual. The Bears have been the Spartans’ toughest competitors in recent years but have fallen to the Spartans in their last two gold-medal matches for the CanWest title (2020 and 2022). Nevertheless, the Bears came in with a 4–0 record for playoffs—ready to capture a fifth win before heading to nationals.
The game was off to a rough start for the Spartans, falling 25–11 against the Bears. Nevertheless, the Spartans dusted themselves off for the second set and achieved a nail-biting 23–25 win. Unfortunately, the Spartans failed to maintain that energy and fell to the Bears in sets three and four.
Going into the tournament, the Spartans were faced with unfortunate circumstances. Middle blocker Cory Schoenherr was down for the count with an injury. Schoenherr has stepped up as a crucial player in the front row this season, so losing him in the tournament required adjustment for the rest of the team.
Despite this, outside hitter Brodie Hofer made sure to show up for the CanWest finals with 24 kills and 2 blocks. Henry Rempel also made an influential appearance against the Bears with nine kills and six digs.
The Spartans are in a transitional period right now. After losing long-term coach Ben Josephson and graduated players like Derek Epp, Jackson Howe, Colton Loewen, and Jordan Schnitzer, interim coach Adam Schreimer is working hard to get the Spartans
With all this being said, the Spartans still have a great chance of achieving a national title. Despite losing to the Bears in the national championship last season, the Spartans are undoubtedly prepared to reclaim victory. Going into the playoffs as the No. 3 seed, the Spartans will have to work hard to find themselves in the finals again.
“The Spartans are in a transitional period right now. After losing longterm coach Ben Josephson and graduated players like Derek Epp, Jackson Howe, Colton Loewen, and Jordan Schnitzer, interim coach Adam Schreimer is working hard to get the Spartans back on top.
My prediction is that the Spartans will face Alberta in a fight for the national title again. All we can do is hope that the Spartans will win their quarter-finals and semifinals so that we get another chance on the national stage.
“This was not just any regular win. This was the fourth consecutive CanWest title for the women’s team.”The women’s volleyball team after winning the Canada West championship. Photo via Spartans Athetics.
Berk Berkeliev
Defenceman Jake Jurgeneit wears number five for the Spartans men’s hockey team. Now in his third year at Trinity Western University, “Jugs” has become known across Canada West as an effective, hard-hitting, shutdown defenceman. But in the Lower Mainland, he is perhaps even better known as the founder of the Trinity Rangers, a program where young adults with intellectual and physical disabilities can spend time with students and student athletes from TWU.
God and felt like it was a calling from Him to continue what we were doing in Yarmouth, here at Trinity,” he said. Jurgeneit expressed his vision to Spartans Athletic Director, Jeff Gamache, who then introduced him to Young Life Capernaum Canada Director, Kathy Dubbeldam. Young Life Capernaum is a faithbased program that hosts clubs, meetings, and camps for teenagers with disabilities, but Dubbeldam and Jurgeneit found that many of the teens did not have a community to fall into after graduating from Capernaum. This is where Trinity Rangers came into play.
Jurgeneit grew up in a Christian household in Toronto, Ontario, and, like many Canadian boys, began playing hockey at an early age. He also played soccer, ball hockey, and football throughout high school to further develop his athleticism. After graduating high school, Jurgeneit played three seasons of Junior “A” hockey, the most meaningful of which was the 2019/2020 season when he played for the Yarmouth Mariners in the Maritime Junior Hockey League. “In Yarmouth, I was introduced to a program called Icy Knights,” Jurgeneit said, “a Young Adults group that would spend time with the Mariners hockey team on Wednesday nights, playing games, doing arts and crafts, and dancing.” Jurgeneit credits coach Laurie Barron and his son Matthew for introducing him to that community and encouraging him to build relationships with the Icy Knights.
Jurgeneit came to TWU in the Fall of 2020 and felt as though his faith began to flourish again. “I found
Trinity Rangers is a program where individuals aged 15 to 30, who have physical and intellectual disabilities, spend time with TWU students and athletes once or twice a month. “Our heart is to create spaces for young adults with intellectual disabilities and Trinity Western University students and athletes to come together and grow in community with each other,” said Jurgeneit. The very first Trinity Rangers event was a Christmas Party in December of 2021. Since then, they have gone ice skating, bowling, to the movie theatre, to the zoo, and are going go-karting at the end of March. The Rangers are also commonly found supporting their Spartan friends at the hockey rink, soccer pitch, or the basketball and volleyball courts.
“Svea has been my biggest supporter since day one,” said Jurgeneit about his fiancé, Svea Moody, who does much of the behind-the-scenes work to make
March Madness is back and with more upsets than ever. For only the second time in NCAA tournament history, a No. 16-seeded team has defeated a No. 1-seeded team.
On March 17, the No. 1-seed Purdue Boilermakers were defeated 63–58 by the No. 16-seed Fairleigh Dickinson Knights (FDU). March Madness fans watched their brackets crumble as Purdue got sent home.
This was a jaw-dropping upset that had the world of the NCAA quaking. Last year, FDU went 4–22 and lost their own conference tournament that would earn them the NCAA automatic bid. This season, they approached their match against Purdue at 21 wins and 15 losses, compared to Purdue who was 29–6. Before FDU’s shocking win, No. 16 had an overall 1–151 record against No. 1. So, this question remains: How on Earth did Purdue lose?
FDU is the shortest team in the tournament this year. As for Purdue, they have 7’4” Zach Edey who has been named the tallest player in Big Ten Conference
history. In a sport like basketball, a height difference this drastic can make or break a team. Despite this, FDU’s relentless defence challenged Purdue’s star center and somehow outplayed Purdue. FDU’s starting guard, Sean Moore, was a notable player on the court as well—scoring 19 points to help put FDU ahead.
Trinity Rangers’ events run smoothly. “So far we have had roughly 150 people take part in Rangers events, but the program is still young and has so much potential,” said Jurgeneit when asked about the future of the Trinity Rangers. The plan is to continue the program in the Lower Mainland, but Jurgeneit and Moody say that there is no reason why the Rangers program cannot expand to every campus in Canada: “The bonds we have made at the Trinity Rangers are meaningful and everlasting, and we want to share this experience with as many people as possible.”
After the game, ESPN announced that the upset between Purdue and FDU left zero perfect brackets remaining out of 20 million brackets completed. The NCAA predicts that only about 2.36 per cent of completed brackets chose FDU to beat Purdue in the
Men’s Bracket Challenge Game. It is safe to say that everybody thought that Purdue would take this one— they were a No. 1 seed after all. How could anyone predict such an outrageous upset?
These upsets have been somewhat of a pattern for Purdue these last few years. This is the fifth time that Purdue has lost to a double-digit seeded team. Some may suspect that Purdue’s losses are associated with head coach Matt Painter. Every single double-digit seeded loss for Purdue has been under the reign of Coach Painter. Nevertheless, Painter has still won more NCAA tournament games than he has lost since 2017. Either way, it might be best for Painter to fly under the radar until March 2024.
With Purdue being one of four No.1-seeded teams in the tournament and already out for the count, everybody’s bracket is up in the air. With Kansas being recently knocked out as well, it is tough to know which team will come out on top. Good luck with the rest of your bracket, people: you are going to need it.
“Our heart is to create spaces for young adults with intellectual disabilities and Trinity Western University students and athletes to come together and grow in community with each other.”
— Jake Jurgeneit
“After the game, ESPN announced that the upset between Purdue and FDU left zero perfect brackets remaining out of 20 million brackets completed.”Jurgeneit at a Trinity Rangers event. Photo via Svea Moody/Trinity Rangers.
David Witzke
The Strombeck building is one of campus’ lesser-known wonders. A place that TWUSA presidential-candidate Joshua Driediger once described by saying, “What? Where’s Strombeck? I’ve never heard of it.” Known for its windowless rooms and terrible temperature control, Strombeck is a destination you won’t want to miss. So here are the top 10 things to do in Strombeck!
1. See the dog poop stain in the basement. One of the Masters of Counseling people brought their dog, and it pooped on the floor. You can still see the stain because they can’t get it out of the floor.
2. Raid the game lab. Pay a visit to TWU’s one and only video game development lab. If you go at the right time, you can see some of the students have a mental breakdown while working on their game project! Or you can watch them play League of Legends and see the same thing!
3. Go into the boiler room. Don’t go into the boiler room.
4. See the Film TA’s email. This year’s MCOM TA wrote his email on the whiteboard wall in September, and no one has erased it since. It’s simply a part of the room now. We might need to bleach the walls to get it off.
5. Walk around the psychology lounge. Fun fact: people keep their doors unlocked. You can pretty much walk wherever you want as long as you look purposeful. Grab a ladder and a high vis vest to blend in and go get the snacks from the faculty lounge. Their paper cutter is nice too.
6. Go shopping for costumes. Apparently, there’s some sort of costume shop, and you can take whatever you want for free. The theatre majors don’t mind as long as you leave a tip (here’s a free one: buy low, sell high).
7. Find lost Education department artifacts. The education department recently vacated the building for greener (better) pastures and left behind a host of ancient artifacts. Become Indiana Jones and find lost relics like misprinted banners, lesson plans, and well-paid teachers.
8. Add a salmon poster to the wall. The environmental science profs have some fun posters down there. You can add whatever you want to the walls; they don’t care. As long as you cite your sources, you can put a Finding Nemo poster up for all they care. Yay, science!
9. Visit the eldritch demon in back storage. There’s a little door marked electrical behind the costume storage room. Behind that door is the lair of an eldritch demon known as TOM. He’s friendly for the most part but does feed on the occasional soul of a film student.
10. Get run over crossing the street. Strombeck is right next to the shortcut that gets you across campus in half the time. Stand in the middle of oncoming traffic and get hit as science and nursing majors go full speed around a blind corner. Fun for the whole family!
As a young writer, I am no stranger to rejection. I lost track of all of the “We regret to inform you” messages by the time I graduated high school, and while I am grateful for the resilience rejection instilled in me, I was still caught off guard by this new creature: the rejection of the student journalist.
It starts like this. In every two-week cycle, production week rolls around, and my time in between attending classes and completing schoolwork is filled with editing, staff meetings, and proof-reading. Headlines run through my head at night only to be vanquished by the satisfaction of picking up Mars’ Hill in print.
Yes, Mars’ Hill. Our beloved student newspaper that has been the subject of controversy, criticism, and celebration. Unless you are in your first year or have just transferred in, please do not pretend like you do not know what Mars’ Hill is. Even if you do not read it, you have seen it, or have at least heard of the Declassifieds.
Issue release! We set up our table, complete with the classic red tablecloth, fake plant, and the unofficial mascot, the Mars’ Hill bear. And then: “Mars’ Hill!” “Would you like a copy of Mars’ Hill?” “New Mars’ Hill!” And . . . why are my hands still full of papers?
Here are all the ways people say no to a copy of Mars’ Hill. Reader be warned, some of these are just embarrassing.
THE
There is one way to catch a liar in the act, and they should be glad we do not call them out on it. You see, it is easy to spot a falsehood when it is already proven to be untrue. These people do not want a copy of the paper because they already have one! “I got one already,” they say casually, not realizing how silly they look when they pass the table that was set up five minutes ago empty-handed. Sure you did, Chad. But at least they did not say perhaps the worst lie heard to date: “I got one yesterday!” Girl, it came out today, what are you saying?
THE SHRUGGER
This legend looks at us from across the cafeteria and shrugs. Yes, and with a meek “ehh” to go with it.
THE IGNORANT
It is one thing to be ignorant. It is another to be feigning ignorance. As they stare down at a newspaper, they say, “What’s this, a magazine?” No, it is actually a pamphlet containing all of your deepest secrets in life, including the fact that you like to pretend you do not know what a newspaper is.
THE
When asked if they would like a copy of the newest issue, they say no, like about 60 per cent of people. When they pass by the table again and say “still no,” I have to admit that it hurts.
THE
Yeah, stare at your phone so intensely it is as if it is burning a hole into your face. You can no longer hear us offering quality journalism because the blue light is calling your name. Please do not walk into a vending machine, or else I will have to write a story on that.
You say you’ll read your friend’s copy, but sadly, I find that hard to believe. It is the same half-hearted promise of the ones who say they will get theirs on the way back from lunch before never coming back. “I don’t want to get my copy dirty in the cafeteria,” they say in earnest. Yeah, someone did actually say that.
Sees table. Hears Seth. Hurriedly walks in the opposite direction.
It looks so promising to see a smiling face as they approach, only for them to say no and walk away. I do not know if I should be annoyed or intimidated.
So the next time you are asked, “Do you want a copy of the newest Mars’ Hill?” please, humour me and say yes.
TWUSA. What is it really? You think it’s actually the Trinity Western University Student’s Association? Please. You have been utterly deceived. I should know—I have first-hand experience with this so-called “student government” that gives out “free coffee” and hosts “events” and plays “music” in a study lounge. Back in February, the Mars’ Hill team was invited on a retreat with this clandestine club at an Airbnb in Abbotsford. The only ones who showed up were me, Seth, and Tomiwa. Tomiwa proved most valuable on this trip; being the photographer, he was able to capture hard evidence on his high-quality camera. Unfortunately, this camera fell in the pool during the weekend, but I have plenty of hearsay and speculation to back up my claims. This is the TRUTH about TWUSA.
1. You won’t believe where the printer money goes. As we sat to dine on the first evening, President Andrew Bouchard stood as if to lead us all in prayer. He did no such thing and instead hauled a sack from under his chair and plopped it on the table. Everyone gazed upon it in a long, reverent silence. Finally, Andrew proclaimed, “Now, we feast.” The sack was opened, spilling dozens of dimes and nickels and loonies on the table. The TWUSA team howled like wild beasts and dove for the coins, chewing and swallowing them in ecstasy. Us three humble journalists gaped in horror, waiting for the real food to be served, but there was none. “Tastes like pork,” one member mumbled, referencing the piggy bank from whence the money came.
2. TWUSA’s basement of secrets. I was bewildered to learn that below the TWUSA lounge desk, beneath the computer on which Spotify dwells, there is a secret passageway to the deep, dark TWUSA basement. Horrors beyond comprehension and beyond what is appropriate to publish in a student newspaper lurk within. Remember in Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi (1983) when Luke Skywalker got dumped into the pit with the rancor (the big lumpy thing with claws)? TWUSA has a similar monster in its lair named TWUGSA. TWUGSA eats anyone deemed unsuitable for existence by TWUSA members. If you ever hear about a TWUGSA meeting or event, that’s code for “let’s go watch and cheer as the pitiful plebeian is devoured alive by TWUGSA.” If you think you’ve been to a TWUGSA event where that didn’t happen, no, you didn’t. TWUSA has many methods of erasing memories, many of which also live in the basement.
3. Nothing is real. At midnight, as we all lounged in the tiny indoor hot tub at the Airbnb, Jeremy Joosten lifted himself from Ben Zubaly’s lap and made a startling confession: he is not really Jeremy Joosten. His real name is Olivia Corps. Then Olivia Corps confessed that her true identity is Ella Throness. Then Ella Throness confessed that she is really Kelsy Bentz, and Kelsy Bentz revealed himself to be Audrey Tupaj, and Audrey Tupaj said she is actually Raj Kamal, and . . .
4. The coffee isn’t actually free. “Of course it isn’t,” you might say. “The cost comes out of our
tuition.” Oh, sweet, innocent little lamb, if only that were true. You will eventually pay with your own bodies. Fifteen years after you graduate, TWUSA will come knocking at your door, coming to claim your firstborn child. If you don’t have a firstborn child, they will take your pets. If you don’t have a pet, they will infest your living space with genetically enhanced termite-rats that will demolish your house and nibble your toes. If you don’t have a living space, well . . . that sucks. They might take your shirt if you have a cool shirt.
5. TWUSA has big plans for Mars’ Hill next year. Since Mars’ Hill is under the TWUSA umbrella, we are at the mercy of this indomitable institution, and the Joosten administration plans to use every ounce of this power. Next year, the name will be changed to Venus’ Mound, the Sports section will be replaced by a Home and Garden section, everything will be written in the Lobster font, every issue must have at least one article about the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, and all students must give little forehead kisses to the Humour Editor or face expulsion. Only you can defeat the powers that be with democracy. Or, you know, don’t. I actually like a couple of the changes. I mean, I’m certainly not opposed to one or two of them. That’s just my opinion, just some food for thought. It’s up to you, of course, but . . . I dunno, they have some good ideas.
The Loch Ness Monster was seen swimming in the Trinity Western University Pond late last month. A student spotted the cryptid while taking a walk around campus, stopping to watch the ducks. When asked to describe the event, the student stated that it was exciting, awe-inspiring, and a little bit confusing.
The Loch Ness Monster, as her name suggests, hails from Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. Why on Earth has she relocated to the pond when there are so many better bodies of water to choose from? Perhaps she grew tired of being a tourist attraction. Perhaps she wanted to pursue post-secondary education but wasn’t allowed to enroll. I don’t think that ducks cryptids are allowed to go to university. Regardless of the reason, she lives in the pond now. She swims peacefully among the ducks, though she is definitely not one of them.
The student who saw her said that she was smaller than they expected and looked like she had feathers. Before the student could get a closer look, the Loch Ness monster (or should I say the McMillan Lake monster?) dove underwater and swam away. Thankfully, the student was able to take a photo of the cryptid before it vanished. Now the entire student body can see proof that there is a monster, not just another duck, inhabiting the pond.
Be sure to keep Nessie’s whereabouts a secret; if she attracts too much tourist attention, she might relocate to an even worse body of water, like the Fraser river or the duck pond at a local park.
We’ve all been there. The husband is too nagging, the wife is too busy, the kids are annoying, the pants are too baggy, the marriage is over, and you want out! But wait, divorce isn’t the only option. There are many ways to save your marriage and even spice it up in the process.
1. Stop cheating. It sounds like a stretch, but many people don’t like when their partner cheats on them. It can make them insecure and upset, and even cause them to lash out at you. They may say mean things they don’t mean, tell lies and keep secrets, or even insult your incredible fashion.
2. Buy baggier pants. People like baggy pants. Everyone looks good in baggy pants. They’re comfortable, fashionable, and have plenty of storage. A good pair of baggy pants is like a good marriage: comfy, modest, and very durable.
3. Try new things. If you’ve been stuck inside or simply haven’t had the time to go on a nice date
Enjoy the luxury of having a Starbucks in your building while it lasts, because in the next “Emerging Beefier” initiative, administration will replace it with an Arby’s. If you protest enough, they may be willing to merge the two instead and introduce the Beef and Cheddar Frappuccino. Yum!
NURSING
Your sun and moon will converge today, resulting in a cosmic explosion that will decimate the universe. Congratulations! You caused the apocalypse!
Did you know that Japan has created a robot teacher prototype? It’s time for the next generation of education: cyborg teachers. Go to your nearest trans-humanist surgeon and get yourself some fancy metal limb replacements. Get toasters for hands or vacuum cleaners for feet. Try headlight eyeballs or calculator teeth. It’s the only way to get ahead in this competitive employment market.
in a while, simply trying new things can often heal a broken relationship. Instead of staying in and watching Netflix, maybe go to a waterpark, comedy show, or cargo-pants shopping! It can add something new that neither of you knew the relationship needed.
4. Accept each other’s differences. No two people are perfect for each other—history has proven that time and time again. So whether you need to compromise by putting the toilet paper the wrong way to appease her, leaving a night light on to help him sleep, or buying a new wardrobe to accommodate the hundreds of new pairs of baggy pants your loving partner keeps impulsively buying because they are so comfortable, durable, and useful in everyday life, simply accepting each other for who you both are can lead to a more stable marriage.
5. Apologize. This is one people struggle with, but an apology is almost always the right answer.
Not some lame “I’m sorry” that both parties know isn’t genuine but a truly heartfelt apology. It may look something like “I’m sorry I said your dog is ugly. It was rude of me,” or “You’re right, I should have remembered your birthday. I apologize,” or even “I’m sorry. Sorry that you are such a doodoo poopyhead that you can’t even see how worthwhile my collection of oversized cargo pants is. And NO, I’m not hoarding them. It’s a collection. I don’t care if you’re taking the kids or the cat, you’re not laying a hand on my vintage Khols, my Ralph Laurens, or my Tripp NYC pants! They’re more important than you or this stupid marriage!”
It’s hard on everyone involved when a relationship is strained. Hopefully, with this simple guide I’ve put together, we can all heal—even those with incorrect opinions on what the right number of pants to own is.
HKIN
One of you will trip a fire alarm today. The methods are uncertain; perhaps you will kick an errant soccer ball, lean a little too far back, or simply breathe on it in a rude way. The good news is that once the fire department arrives, they will find the lucky offender so brilliant and attractive that they will offer them a job on the spot. That person will take it and eventually save Justin Trudeau’s grandchild, earning the adoration of millions. But then fame will get to their head, and they will fall into a pit of despair and addiction, and their wife will leave them, and their kids won’t talk to them anymore, and they’ll die alone in a seniors care center facedown in their mashed peas.
NATURAL & APPLIED SCIENCES
Did you forget to write that paper? Did you? Did you forget to write that silly paper? I bet you did, didn’t you? That seems like something you would do. Did you just leave that paper to keel over and die? Did you? Did you forget about that paper? It sure seems like you neglected that paper. Did you? Did you forget to write that paper?
Contrary to popular academic belief, you should get ChatGPT to write your essays for you, only to keep them human you should tell it to write essays in the style of fanfiction. Include self-inserts, say that the essay is complete but forget to include the last paragraph, song lyric section headings, an angsty and sarcastic voice, strange spelling and grammatical errors—these and more are fun prompts you can feed ChatGPT to make your next essay on abnormal psychology a Wattpad/Ao3 masterpiece.
Apparently Hootenanny will be Twilight-themed this year, so I predict you will have the best chance of winning a significant other if you all dress up as glittery vampires and take the stage singing “Supermassive Black Hole,” concluding the musical number by running into the audience and biting people. You will be extra attractive if you imprint on someone’s infant in the audience.
SAMC
In honour of the theatre department’s next production, You Can’t Take It With You, I think you should prove that sentiment correct by lobbying to close the department down.
“Images of rapture
Creep into me slowly
As you go into my head
And my heart beats faster
When you take me over Time and time again”
These are the eloquent lyrics of the best song ever written, “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey, the song I listen to as I write this letter. It is 00:36, the best time ever, especially for productivity and good rest. I am sitting on my bed in Douglas, TWU’s finest and most fireproof dorm. At the center of this portrait of perfection sits me, the most attractive, intelligent, popular, emotionally secure, witty, virtuous, and humble student at this zenith of academic institutions.
What is a zenith? It is not a funky instrument as I initially thought (that would be a zither). It is a good name for Gwyneth Paltrow’s second company (obviously spelled like Zyneth), but that is not a definition. A zenith is simply the highest point of something, the tip of excellence. For example, the zenith of Gwyneth Paltrow’s movie career is not The Royal Tenenbaums (2001), nor is it the Marvel Cinematic Multiverse, or even her Oscar-winning performance in Shakespeare In Love (1998). The zenith of Gwyneth Paltrow’s career is in Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002), in which she played a character named Dixie Normous, which is one of the best and most iconic names in any film.
Anyway, you didn’t pick up this copy of Mars’ Hill to read my ramblings. You came to read the Declassifieds and maybe the Christian Horoscopes before chucking this issue into the garbage, or maybe the recycling bin if you’re not a loser. Before you do, though, you should browse the Opinions section to read “Math 191: Take This Course!” by Michael Plenits to figure out how the heck you can fill that pesky Computational Core Requirement without wanting to bash your brains out, or learn “How To Save A Failing Marriage” from Lorin Scaiano in the Humor section if you need romantic and stylish advice.
It is now 01:39, the other best time of the day. I have spent more time this week on Mars’ Hill than the many, many essays I need to write, which means my life is more meaningful and productive than yours. Every surface in my dorm room, including my bed, has at least 30 pieces of paper on it. I inhale and exhale, vibrant and thriving. Altogether, my life is a sweet, sweet fantasy baby.
—BaileyNews (World-Wide Happenings)
Opinions (Spicy Takes)
Sports (Athletics Updates or Musings)
Arts & Culture (Stuff That’s Popular or Should Be)
Humour (The Funny Stuff)
Is there something you’re passionate about more than anyone else? Is there an idea or story you’re dying to share with the world? Do you like to make people laugh? Send your pieces or ideas to:
