MASSIVE Issue 18: The Sports Issue

The Sports Issue

Cover by Eden Laing

Editor’s LetterThe Sports Issue

Kia ora koutou

And welcome to another cracker issue of MASSIVE. This week we are feeling the team spirit and matching FIFA energy for our Sports Issue. We look at the energetic and diverse world of sports, exploring our sporting faves and... in typical MASSIVE style... fails. Look. We're not the sportiest bunch, or at least not in the conventional sense. The writer's meeting was weird with this theme, so we got creative. From Aiden the Space Jam commentator to Elizabeth's misery memoir of P.E. in high school. We can do serious too though, we contain multitudes. Cameron, our Te Ao Maori editor opens our eyes to the ‘kiwiana-fication’ of the haka Ka Mate, and I take a feminist look at the sports industry, in light of the FIFA Women's World Cup. Of course, we have the regular juicy news from Sammy and Brett. It's all going on at Massey University lately, and our news team are ALL over it.

So, get your game face on!

Leila

What to look forward to

WEEKLY NEWS

No dedicated first-year halls and $2,000 price jumps for Massey 2024 student accommodation

Brett Kerr-Laurie (he/him)

Massey halls across the country are mixing new and returning students while increasing prices next year.

On Instagram, @masseyhallswellington posted to its story, “We want to build communities of like-minded people … which is why age plays a big factor in 2024 hall placement.”

Manawatū and Albany campuses were likewise scrapping first-year only halls, opting for a range of age brackets, like 17 to 25-year-olds or 21 to 30-yearolds.

The Instagram said, “You’re applying for all three halls in one application,” however you can note your preference.

The Instagram page didn’t mention any price increases despite apartment rooms in Wellington’s Cube Hall jumping $2,000 to $13,900 for the year, with other halls increasing around $1,000.

Prices have also changed at other campuses, with most Albany halls increasing around $1,000, while Manawatū halls fluctuated a few hundred dollars.

Wellington first-year hall Whanake resident Paige didn’t think halls should be mixed between new and returning students because they “are on different stages of life”.

“Second years have already made friends, whereas this is time for first years to get involved with everything to make new friends.”

Paige was unaware of any price changes for next year and questioned if there was justification for an increase if nothing was changing. She enjoyed the “interesting” and “super positive” experience living in Whanake Hall this year.

“There is no other time in my life where I will be able to walk down the hall and be at my friend’s place.”

Next year, Wellington’s Whanake and Kāinga Rua halls will be available to any students aged 17 to 23 and 18 to 23-years-old respectively.

A Massey University spokesperson said, “We are moving towards offering an experience for each hall,” noting there may be older students who took gap years but still want the “first-year experience in the halls”.

Regarding price increases, the

spokesperson said Massey was “needing to adjust fees to meet the rising cost of providing essential services in the current climate”. The spokesperson said although each hall is available to new and returning students, they would prioritise first years in some halls, such as Kāinga Rua in Wellington.

“However, if a first-year student is within the age range listed for the Cube and Whanake, they will also be considered there.

“Massey’s student accommodation prices are comparable to other student accommodation providers.” These changes come during a challenging era for Massey which recently announced a year-to-date operating deficit of $14.2 million, on top of an $8.8 million deficit in 2022. Enrolment rates also declined this year with 1154 fewer domestic students at the start of 2023 than the same time last year, an 8% decrease.

Massey accommodation is mixing new and returning students in 2024. Photo / Massey

Sammy Carter (she/her) and Brett Kerr-Laurie (he/him)

Massey students have just as much right to influence university decisions as “people who walk into McDonald’s,” explains a staff member at forums two weeks ago.

A student and staff forum titled ‘The Neoliberal War on Universities’ was held on every Massey campus on the 9th of August.

Last month, Massey vice chancellor Jan Thomas invited staff to express interest in Voluntary Enhanced Cessation.

Richard Shaw, professor of politics and social sciences at Manawatū, called staff and students “neoliberal customers” of the university.

The Guardian defined neoliberalism as an ideology which sees competition as the defining characteristic of human relations. It redefines citizens as consumers, whose democratic choices are best exercised by buying and selling, a process that rewards merit and punishes inefficiency.

Shaw said, “In a neoliberal world, you are not conceived as citizens, you’re conceived as clients or as customers.”

“Therefore, the corresponding rights to responsibilities and obligations that you have are those of people who walk into McDonald’s.”

“You can walk into that place, you can walk out of that place. You do not have rights of voice.”

Shaw said his department, the College of Humanities and Social Sciences, could lose up to 40% of its 170 staff.

In June, 245 staff members were invited to voluntarily resign, however Shaw said these are just the ones people know about.

“What you don’t know about is all of the other people who have quietly left this place”.

He said students’ education had been replaced by “functional training” and 65% of the jobs being trained for won’t exist in five years.

He said with more online classes, “your relationship with us becomes very very transactional”.

He warned students that with the changes, classes will become bigger but be moved online into Zoom rooms with many cameras and screens off, what he called a “dispiriting experience”.

“You will experience the implosion of an institution that many of us have given large amounts of our working lives to.”

Fine arts student Julia Kohlhaas felt a responsibility to speak out for younger generations of students.

Kohlhaas was concerned fourth years like herself would be “the last ones to have this diversity and range of different courses,” especially as many classes transition online.

Massey has finalised its ‘No and Low Enrolment’ policy and the ‘Digital Plus’ policy which means the Senior Leadership Team can cut courses without input from the staff.

The ‘Digital Plus’ policy aims to anchor each college to be taught at just one physical campus with online study unless it could be financially justified.

Kohlhaas said people can’t make a connection to someone who is performing a lecture online to “dark screens with names on it”.

She criticised Massey for cutting inperson lecture time while paying the same fee, “being told that it’s already the intensive version of the course”.

“I would really encourage the student

association to inform the students and bombard them with what is going on, because I feel like a lot of things are not known.”

Sean McFadyen is a part-time politics student who works full time researching at Massey’s poultry unit to support his family.

“We’ve been reduced to only two staff members from six when I started and thirteen before I started.”

In this job, he said himself and his coworkers have needed to chase their own funding and “constantly justify” their jobs. McFadyen was concerned he won’t be able to finish his degree as more Massey staff are cut.

“Will the papers I need still be there when I need them?”

He said students have transformed from citizens of the university to clients, to fill in consumer satisfaction surveys and “generally remain passive”. He said Massey was suffering from 40 years of public divestment from universities which has forced the institutions to transform into “pseudocommercial enterprises”.

Julie Douglas, senior lecturer and national president of Tertiary Education Union was sad to say, “Students are already halfway there in being enculturated into thinking in the neoliberal way.”

Massey staff member Cassie is a mother working contract to contract, she said you cannot put the value of complex labour into spreadsheets.

“Popping your head up above the parapet is dangerous in this place”.

Massey University declined to comment.

Massey students have as much right as Mcdonald’s customers, explains staff member

Massey staff cover up the cracks left behind from course and job cuts

Sammy Carter (she/her)

Lou*, a staff member from the College of Creative Arts (CoCA) who spoke out anonymously due to fear of reprisal, said staff’s goodwill has been “exploited.”

Last month, staff were invited to express interest in ‘Voluntary Enhanced Cessation’.

CoCA staff received an email from the college’s pro vice chancellor Margaret Petty on the first day of the semester saying the college would be accepting resignations from 35 people.

A staff member said when enrolment in the Bachelor of Communication was suspended in July at the Manawatū campus, staff heard about it through the media.

Lou* said staff go the extra mile to make sure any changes that are affecting their job aren’t filtering down to the students.

But after continuous cuts for over a year and added work for staff, “people are running out of that goodwill”.

Massey recorded an $8.8 million deficit in 2022 and last month announced a year-to-date operating deficit of $14.2m.

The vice chancellor was last reported to earn $586,000 per annum.

Lou* said the number of job cuts excludes attrition and those whose fixed-term contracts aren’t renewed, “It’s almost like those people have just ceased to exist, but actually the work is still there.”

Both the Victoria University and Otago University vice chancellors went to the Government and asked for more funding.

However, Lou* said Massey’s vice chancellor had repeatedly

turned down offers from the Tertiary Education Union (TEU) to hold tripartite talks between the Government, Universities and TEU.

In June, the Government caved under the pressure and announced a $128 million dollar funding boost for universities and a higher education review.

Lou* said it felt like Jan Thomas thinks staff are “all a bit annoying because we ask questions”.

They said there had been a lot of farewells lately, “It’s very depressing.” Massey has updated its ‘No and Low Enrolment’ policy and procedures policy which would make it easier for the university to cut courses without input from the staff.

They finalised the ‘Digital Plus’ policy, aiming to anchor each college to be taught at just one physical campus with online study unless it could be financially justified.

Admin staff Billie* said in the most recent admin cuts, CoCA lost nine people, leaving work to pile up on their desks.

They said they don’t know what to tell potential students who are worried that the course they want won’t exist next year, “I don’t wanna lie”. With the uncertainty of who will be cut next, “there isn’t anyone who hasn’t at least dusted off their CV”, Billie* said. They said staff feel like they’re a “liability and a burden” to the vice chancellor and Senior Leadership Team.

George*, a staff member from CoCA, said staff were “masking” the problems from the cuts for student’s sake.

After the Voluntary Enhanced Cessation process closed for CoCA earlier this month, George* was anxious that staff could be leaving in the middle of the semester with no plan for how to continue courses

without experienced staff.

They said the degrees staff have built up collectively are a taonga, and this was only recognised as “units on a spreadsheet” for the Senior Leadership Team.

Massey held staff forums late last month to discuss Massey’s 20-year financial plan and staff and course cuts. Students were not informed or invited to the forums.

Staff and students could email their concerns to the university, however, George* felt these go into a “vacuum”, creating “an illusion of inclusion”. George* said CoCA has already gone through one process of shedding physical space, but the university wanted more.

They said this was difficult for research-based staff and students, like artists and designers, who need room to create and end up doing it in their own personal spaces.

Lecturer Max* said the university was making dictations, such as the number of people needed for a course or degree to continue.

For a three-year bachelor’s degree, low was deemed to be less than 50 full-time students per year. For a postgraduate diploma or master’s degree, low was deemed to be less than 15 full-time students per year. The policy stated that a subgroup of the Senior Leadership Team will make final decisions, students and staff will not be included.

With the Wellington open day coming up this Friday, Max* said staff were wondering what they should tell potential students.

Max* said the changes revealed how “hierarchical” and “undemocratic” Massey was, even as a “supposedly” Te Tiriti led university.

They said they go through constant waves of fear that they will lose their job.

Max* said the changes feel like a business process and about making money, “It’s not considering what a university does.”

They said the university doesn’t see or value the relationship between teaching and research, seeing education as government-funded and research as something that loses money.

Sarah*, a staff member from the College of Humanities was told her role was very unlikely to continue into next year after working at Massey for over a decade.

“It was devastating news, it felt like the ground being pulled out from under my feet.”

She had to seek counselling support from Massey, “I felt depressed and devastated.”

When asked what was next for her, she said, “Honestly, I might end up driving buses.”

The vice chancellor was considering

Massey lecturer allegedly finds out her course is cut on Twitter

Sammy Carter (she/her)

A Twitter user tweeted, “Massey University isn’t allowing my son to complete his history degree next year by studying Reformation! So much study and build up for nothing”.

A lecturer from the School of Humanities, Media and Creative Communication responded to the tweet.

She said, “Well this is interesting [user] because The Tudors and the Reformation is a course I currently teach (and it’s awesome). I’m expecting to lose my job when my contract expires in Feb but no one has had the courtesy to tell me that directly.”

The lecturer continued in another

rationalising campus buildings for retail, residential housing, retirement homes and student accommodation. The university was reportedly in the final stages of progressing a “Joint Venture Agreement in Singapore”, including a major face-to-face campus according to an email to staff.

Massey University declined to comment.

*Names changed for anonymity

tweet, “And the fact that I find out about this on social media rather than having my manager tell me directly speaks volumes about the utter contempt in which Massey leadership holds staff and students alike.”

A Massey University spokesperson confirmed that the Tudors and Reformation courses will not be offered in 2024.

“Students currently enrolled will be able to complete their major as sufficient courses are being offered. In most years, for a variety of reasons, not all courses in the calendar schedule can be offered,” the spokesperson said.

The tweets come after Massey vice chancellor Jan Thomas began the Voluntary Enhanced Cessation process across the university.

Both the mum and lecturer who tweeted were contacted for comment.

Sport . . . for this Art Student?

By Molly Richards (she/her)

Who would have thought eh? You may be surprised that I was once a very sporty individual despite the audible crackling of my spine. This week I am abruptly reminded of the fact that I move a lot less than I once did. What went wrong? I suppose nothing I didn’t know. I knew I was destined to sketch hunched over a desk when I signed to my degree four years ago. What I didn’t really consider was how little sport I would do in those following four years. You only realise what you’ve lost when it’s gone. For example, I realised I can’t even touch my toes when I was once able to grand battement my leg up to my nose each week in ballet. I wouldn’t exchange the skills I’ve learned drawing and designing however, and absolutely wouldn’t like to relive the beep test. Forgot the beep test? I doubt you’ve forgotten that ominous and torturous beep and the subsequent fear of dropping out first. It would materialise some random Wednesday to torture us. I am yet to meet someone that actually enjoyed that damn awful test. If you did, why? I will not speak any more about that trauma.

In high school we had a routine, go to school, go to extracurricular activities, and then go home. I was lucky to play netball, swim, dance, and even ski during the winter. Since moving out and studying, this routine has changed dramatically.

Nowadays, the closest I get to sport of any kind is the race to finish every single one of those papers I’ve overcommitted to. Can you count dancing at the rave as a sport? Feels like one. Or even running late to work on a Sunday morning? Sport Saturday for me has transformed into work Saturdays and independent study. Not to mention that hike home with the weekly shop. I’d say speed walking home before your bag breaks under the weight of milk and instant noodles will get the heart rate up faster than cricket. As a side note, I’ve never really understood cricket. I did however find the all-girls social cricket day quite fun, not that we really had much care for the rules. I rather enjoyed hitting the shit out of a ball. Watching cricket, however, has always been more boring than golf for me.

Speaking of golf . . . Now that’s a sport I’ve always been properly shit at. Don’t get me wrong, I love mini golf. I’m still crap but at least I can watch my ball go up a gondola and zip down a miniature mountain. Granted, once it took me upwards of 20 strokes to get that bloody ball in the hole. Back in the first years of high school, I thought that it was

crazy how little everyday sport I did. What would year 9 me say now? In primary school, there was no day I wouldn’t play outside, running like a headless chicken. Fun fact about me, I would often unicycle during breaks. Yes, I was super cool. Before you think I am a complete clown, we had a set time everyone in the year was able to learn. We even learned how to juggle; in hindsight I think they were training us for the circus.

I digress, if you like me have found yourself outside the realm of sport in your early adulting life, I’ve got some suggestions. Before you pull me up for not actually following my own advice, I did join social netball two weeks ago. A bit of backstory; netball was my favourite sport growing up. I’ve rolled my ankle more times than I can count. I played defence, makes sense as I’m a terrible shot, so GA and GS were out the picture. Nevertheless, the first game of social netball pointed out that despite the fact I was an A-team member back in the day, I wouldn’t make the team now. Who would have thought? Not to mention I was sore all over for a good day. That day made me curse my flat for all its stairs.

Still, social sport is a good idea, it’s a bit of fun, no pressure about winning or losing. No training necessary and no over the top parents yelling from the side line. Alternatively, the gym is a good place to start for some much-needed exercise. I, however, found that unbearably boring. I prefer yoga. Yoga is no joke. As a former ballerina, I was reminded how difficult it is to stand on one leg. I recall my first yoga class being once during P.E. in high school. I always thought yoga was calming and relaxing. Not to say it isn’t, however, on this occasion our instructor at the school was far from zen. It’s probably because none of us were all that good at maintaining our seriousness, much less the poses. Ironic really, I think he regretted ever agreeing to teach that class. I’m not sure whose bright idea it was to ever think that a group of teenagers would be able to do poses like upward dog without laughing. Or saying, ‘what’s up, dog?’ Guilty.

Still, I suppose moving is necessary. Don’t let your phone’s step count bully you. Or how about this: When you’re hunched over your desk drawing or whatever as a studious artist, remind yourself that you look like a piece of macaroni. Check that posture at the very least.

Illustration by Annick Harvey

By Elizabeth Chan

I hated P.E.

It didn’t matter whether I was in Malaysia or the Christian college somewhere in East Auckland, I utterly despised it. I deeply loved my high school days and still often reminisce about them, but if someone asked whether I would want to re-live those days, I would hesitate because I know I would have to attend P.E. I already wasn’t the sporty type and because I loathed P.E. so much, I never saw myself exercising regularly in the future like some gym junkies I know.

However, if I could turn back time and tell my younger self something, I would tell her not to be discouraged by those hellish torture sessions named ‘Physical Education’ or P.E. for short, because personal exercise is way different than P.E. She would probably never believe a single word I say because P.E. was just that traumatising, but here’s why nobody should ever be discouraged from exercising, even though they weren’t sporty enough or just detested P.E.

The Dark Days on the Battlefield

Some may think I’m being dramatic, but that’s exactly how I would describe P.E.: a battlefield. While most would have a classmate(s) as their high school bully, mine was my P.E. teacher.

During P.E., she would berate and intentionally bring students down by giving them punishments like extra pushups. If she’s on a power trip, which happened way more often than it needed to, she would scold students in front of everyone and even pause the entire P.E. session just so she could have an audience to witness her scolding that particular student. Think of it as a modern-day beheading. We were the criminals and she the executioner. Basically, she was the dictator of our school.

Most of her targets were students who were “not sporty enough” or not fit enough, which is honestly ironic since it was her job to improve students’ fitness as a Physical Ed teacher. Meanwhile, her star pupils were those who were “sporty and fit enough” and kept their mouths shut even when they knew her teaching methods were cruel and extremely unethical.

I fell in the first category of not being “sporty enough” and eventually got my handful of humiliation when I became her new target.

Each P.E. session felt like we were in a military camp where she was trying to train us up to be Olympic gold medallists, except that I would always come back exhausted and sore because she didn’t even give us proper warm-ups and forced us into sports like basketball or football immediately after. The only P.E. sessions I did look forward to involved swimming because I loved swimming. Unfortunately, they never lasted long because autumn would come and then it got too cold.

After I left high school (my graduation got stolen by COVID), things just kept getting more unfortunate in my fitness life. I began to develop eczema on my hands and feet due to temperature and I couldn’t go swimming anymore, because swimming pools are filled with chlorine water and eczema sufferers cannot touch chlorine because it would dry our skin out.

Perhaps if I get super filthy rich, I could have a swimming pool with an alternative for chlorine that would suit sensitive skin, but until then, I needed to exercise because my restless leg syndrome started to get even worse.

The Difference between Exercise and P.E.

The main difference between personal exercise and P.E. is the fact that you’re able to take things at your own pace. What this means is that you won’t have anyone in the background barking orders and you won’t have to follow anyone else’s training regimen or schedule (unless you pay for a gym instructor). This ultimately means you’re the boss of what you want to do, which is why I find personal exercise so much more invigorating because I get to do things in my own time and decide what kind of exercises to do.

One other toxic thing my former P.E. teacher does is that she has an extremely biased view on what she defines as sports. She views sports such as basketball, cricket and football as sports that are worthy enough to be called “sports”. Meanwhile, dance, Pilates and yoga do not fall under her definition of sports. In this sense, you can already guess our P.E. activities were quite limited and suffocating since she only favours “sporty” students who engage in her version of sports while the rest, such as myself, who enjoyed dance and Pilates were left out.

So, when I began my personal exercise that included all the fun things P.E. teachers never include like standing

Pilates, kickboxing and weightlifting, I actually really enjoyed exercising and it significantly helped with my restless leg syndrome (RLS).

Restless leg syndrome is, as the name denotes, when your legs feel restless. The feeling of restless legs is extremely uncomfortable and irritating because I can come back from a really long, hard day exhausted and ready to go to bed, but my legs would still feel like moving. Unfortunately, there is no cure for RLS and I inherited the syndrome from my mother’s side of the family. However, exercising helped significantly with that; whenever I did some weightlifting, Pilates, or cardio, it helped eliminate the uncomfortable feeling before going to bed.

With a diverse world of exercise and sports out there, I recommend Googling what sort of exercise targets the areas you want to work on, like leg exercises for me since I was and still am dealing with RLS, or you can go with researching exercises that were once what you may have aspired to do or something similar, like opting for adult ballet lessons or Pilates if you didn’t get a chance to do ballet when you were younger.

So, to my fellow readers, do not be discouraged if you had a traumatic P.E. experience like me, make sure to research first if you are new to finding your own exercise and make some time for exercise even after a long day of uni!

Illustration by Eden Laing

Illustration by Annick Harvey

Safe and celebratory culture is the goal for women’s sports tournaments

By Leila Lois

I'm not much of a follower of televised sport, except for the mandatory rugby growing up as a child in Aotearoa with an older brother that idolised Jonah Lomu. However, one trend in sports spectatorship I can get behind is the growing appreciation of women's sport. Historically, women's sports players (not unlike ballet dancers, of which I was one) have been underpaid, unsung and faced discriminatory treatment in tournaments and locker-rooms.

This year, the 2023 FIFA Women's World Cup seems to have risen above these historical biases and challenges to reveal a vibrant, strong community of women in sport who are inspirational for viewers. The Seven Network, the tournament's free-to-air broadcaster, said a record audience of 7.2 million people tuned in for Australia's 7-6 penalty shootout win over the French in Brisbane on Saturday. We might wonder what is changing in this space however, and what still needs to change to ensure that women in sport get the recognition, renumeration, and respect that they deserve.

Recognition

Emily, our designer at MASSIVE, said that the vibe at the Spain versus Costa Rica game, which she attended at the Wellington Westpac arena on 21st July, was a ‘great experience'. 'The vibe was better than I thought,’ she added, ‘it was cool to see lots of people out supporting women's sports. I did netball growing up and it's great to see these role models for the next generation.’

Certainly, spectatorship and press coverage for this Fifa Women's World Cup is higher than previous ones and the buzz is infectious. MASSIVE's news editor Sammy Carter has also been following the games and noted that many of her guy friends are enjoying the tournaments ‘more than people expect’. We all know that men's rugby is wildly popular with young men in New Zealand, ‘but it has been a refreshing surprise seeing how animated my guy mates have got during the matches- they're loving it.’ Girl Power.

Renumeration

It is a well-known fact that across many sectors, women are still vastly underpaid compared with men, this is true

also of the sports industry. In New Zealand, women earn an average 10% less than their male colleagues.1 So what is the situation for female sports players? We can look at this year's Fifa Women's World Cup players to get a picture. According to a Fifa report published in 2022, the average salary of paid female footballers is just £11,3002 Lobbying and pressure on Fifa’s president, Gianni Infantino, has led to Fifa aiming to equalise payments for the next 2026 men’s and 2027 women’s World Cups. So we're not quite there yet on women achieving fair renumeration for their participation in popular telelvised sports, but at least this goal has been made for the ensuing tournaments.

Respect

With better recognition, and renumeration, we would expect more respect for female football players. However,

a recent Op-Ed by author Anima Adjepong3, has revealed the harassment and abuse culture that persist in the women's football industry. It seems that, like other elite sports and performance industries, this abuse thrives in silence. Women are starting to come forward with stories so that such practices can be riddled out and a nurturing and respectful training environment can be developed for the players, but it is an ongoing issue that needs dedicated attention.

As Adjepong asserts, the increased mainstream attention and recognition this year's Fifa Women's World Cup is receiving is an opportunity to address the lack of respect and abuse culture that thrives on silence in women's sports. The Fifa Women's World Cup 2023 may mark a turning point in women's sports where female sports are exciting

mainstream audiences, and with that comes a responsibility to fight for better conditions for players and a safe and celebratory culture.

1 Data taken from www.employment.govt.nz 2022 Gender Pay Gap Survey

2 Suzanne Wrack, July 2023, Players at 2023 Women’s World Cup to be paid fees directly by Fifa for first time, The Guardian

3 Amina Adjepong, August 2023, With all eyes on the Women’s World Cup, it’s time to stop focusing on players’ sexuality, The Guardian

Sexcapades

The hotbox blowie

If there is one thing I’m good at, it’s blowies. I’ve read articles on articles about the perfect formula, chatted to my gay best friend about the right way to pull, lick and suck, and after six months with my boyfriend, I’ve finally perfected the most mind blowing (pun intended) gobby. I’ve rarely had a bad experience, until last week.

It all started when I woke up slightly dusty and felt the familiar tingling sensation growing in-between my legs. My BF was lying right beside me, still snoozing but I could tell by the flicker of his eyes he was almost awake so, I did what any horny queen would do and jumped on him.

Upon feeling his morning wood and hearing the “good morning” that escaped him in that orgasmic husky tone (you know the one ladies), I took it as a sign to start my journey down south.

All was well and good, the tools were tooling, the mood was spicy and all I could think was “win the morning, win the day”, so of course that’s where it went wrong.

At first it was a gurgle in his belly. No worries, I thought, we all get the hot girl stomach sounds from time to time. Then it was the tension in his hips. Maybe he’s just really excited, I wondered.

But then encased in the covers, with a hard dick in one hand, pushing my hair out of my

face with the other, the putrid smell hit my nostrils. My boyfriend had lost control of his bowels and unintentionally hot boxed me with his farts.

I let it go the first time and carried on with my magic mouth, thinking it was an accident but then it happened again and again, leaving me no choice but to dramatically escape the wrath of his ass, while he ran to the bathroom where the booze poos took over. We haven’t spoken about it since and I’m yet to work up the courage to reacquaint myself with his trouser snake, but at least there is one learning curve from this. When your BF clenches his hips mid blowie, run.

---

Happy vibes always,

Use code HOTBOX15 for 15% off at girlsgetoff.co.nz

Solicited Advice

From Pocket

Solicited advice is a weekly column where Massive’s own four-legged Agony Aunty, Pocket, shares her wisdom and experience with you all. She speaks only truths.

My flatmates have all been football-mad because of the recent world cup. It’s really not my thing, but I don’t want to feel left out. What should I do?

While my lithe physique and agile movement don’t show it, I have to say my sporting days are well behind me. In previous lives, I’ve been everything from a baseball mascot to a royal ratcatcher, but these days I much prefer tamer pastimes like competitive lounging. This is the constant feline duality: ability and disinterest. I suggest embracing game day as an opportunity to sit on the couch and eat snacks, even if you don’t have a clue what’s happening on screen. Remember to yell loudly when the other humans do (to make it look like you’re paying attention).

Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered?

Massive Magazine on Instagram or editor@massivemagazine.org.nz and look out for next week’s issue - no question is too difficult for Pocket.

Aquarius Pisces Aries

Jan 20 - Feb 18 Feb 19 - Mar 20

Cricket: Stop dreaming, Aquarius, and gain some game sense. I recommend the most protracted and boring game on Earth. Cricket. There are usually sandwiches and gin between sets, at least?

Diving: Always creating a splash, that’s Pisces! Play to your strengths. Get up on that diving board and make some waves.

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Fire and ice ice baby: You’re a fiery one Aries, so this week, have a fire sesh at the sauna. Perfect sports recovery, followed by ice bath. Take the plunge!

Apr 20 - May 20 May 21 - June 21

Rugby: Being the bull that you are, I recommend you scrum it out this week, Taurus.

Tennis: Doubles. Because you’re a natural twin.

Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra

July 23 - Aug 22 Aug 23 - Sep 22

Football: you’re a bit of a lion, and naturally love to win. No greater satisfaction than scoring a bloody good goal in footie. Goal for it!

Bowls: Embrace your inner seventy-yearold and get down to your local bowling club. Beer in hand, balls in the other. It’s a good time.

Scorpio Sagittarius

Oct 24 - Nov 21 Nov 22 - Dec 21

Hockey: You’re a spiky little fiend, Scorpio. So, perfect your competitive nature and attack mode with some hockey.

Trampolining: Embrace your inner fiveyear-old, Sag. You’ve been way too serious of late. Bounce it out!

June 22 - July 22

Swimming: Being the water baby that you are, Cancer, a good swim will soothe all your agitations this week. Whether it’s the local pool or the ocean. Dive right in.

Sep 23 - Oct 23

Dance: We know you like to play fair, Libra, so why not try something where nobody loses? Dance your little heart out.

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Extreme sports: Being practical all the time is kind of boring, Capricorn. Why not shake it up a little with some tobogganing, bungee jumping or even trolley riding at your local Pak’n’Save? Adrenaline kick is the theme.

The Kiwiana-fication of Ka Mate

By Cameron McCausland-Taylor

When you type up Kiwiana in Google, you will come across a 100% Pure New Zealand article talking about Kiwiana as a “range of quirky objects” that contribute to Aotearoa’s nationhood. However, you will also come across a Kiwiana page on Wikipedia, in which there is a distinct Māoritanga section listing things like hei-tiki, pounamu, and lastly, the haka. My whakaaro is that our Māoritanga should not belong within the Kiwiana space, specifically focusing on the haka “Ka Mate” within this article and how it has been “Kiwiana-fied”.

The haka Ka Mate is performed by the All Blacks before every rugby game, which has now extended to other New Zealand sports teams, such as the Black Ferns. Ka Mate was created in 1820 by Ngāti Toa war leader Te Rauparaha, a celebration of life after escaping enemies from Ngāti Maniapoto and Waikato.

In Leonie Hayden’s article Whakawhiti te rā: New Zealand sport, haka and the Māori perspective, they garnered opinions from Nicole Timu, a former post-graduate student in physical education at Otago University, who did an entire thesis on haka in sport from a kaupapa Māori perspective. She said the reason she chose this topic was because of the ‘glaringly obvious’ ignorance people had about the meaning and purpose of haka, raising the risks of haka in sport such as appropriation and stigmatisation.

Ever since its introduction into the sports space, Ka Mate has attracted many takes and many controversies. Some examples are -

• Recently the women’s soccer teams from both Spain and the Netherlands came under fire for mocking the haka, deeply disrespecting our culture in the process.

• An over 2-minute haka slot in the World Rugby U20 Championship against Wales earlier this year was criticised on Twitter for being “more like a West End production than a cultural ritual”.

• In 2022 before a Wallabies vs All Blacks match, the Wallabies placed a boomerang down as a wero (challenge), receiving extreme backlash from player Reiko Loane who accused the team of disrespecting the haka.

• Bakery Industry Association of New Zealand created a promotional video for the Bakery of the Year Awards, depicting gingerbread doing the haka… This threw me for a loop. Who decided that was okay? I just wanna talk.

Last year, we also had the infamous anti-mandate protest outside Parliament in Wellington, in which a group of protestors performed Ka Mate. Ngāti Toa themselves opposed this use of the haka, saying that these protests were promoting individual perspectives over collective needs, despite many protestors claiming tino rangatiratanga.

As said in Timu’s thesis, tino rangtiratanga or selfdetermination includes maintaining and protecting our cultural knowledge, tradition, and heritage. An interviewee within Timu’s thesis compared the American way of taking other people’s cultures and using them to Pakeha claiming haka as part of ‘Kiwi’ culture instead of its rightful place within Māori culture. ‘Kiwis’ aren’t entitled to Māori culture that they pick and choose at their disposal.

One way in which we’ve seen an attempt at Ka Mate’s protection is actually from the UK, who made a commitment to protect the haka in a UK-NZ free trade deal in late 2021. Unexpected flex from the land of the colonisers, but I’ll take it! Of course, no deal is ever going to stop people from cultural appropriation, but the deal was intended to prevent Ka Mate from being used in commercial settings within the UK. Now, if we could get some kind of deal like that going in our own government so we don’t have another gingerbread incident, that would be much appreciated.

On one hand, I do love to see Māori representation in all areas, especially in such a popular domain from one of the world’s best rugby teams. I imagine our tīpuna beaming with pride as they watch our culture be proudly promoted on the field, and I’m sure that the All Blacks and other sports teams are well-prepped and educated on the haka before execution. My heart also melts whenever I see our tamariki doing the haka alongside our teams on TV - our tīpuna’s wildest dreams come true.

However, inappropriately using Ka Mate, or any haka for that matter, tramples on the haka’s mana, as well as our tīpuna who created it. We hear a lot of kōrero, in many areas, about increasing diversity and inclusivity. Like I said, I tautoko this and I’m always a fan of Māori representation. But it’s no wonder Māori are hesitant to share our taonga with the wider community, fearful of how it will be butchered.

Like Timu says, haka is used to retain knowledge passed down through generations, as well as to demonstrate and reinforce whakapapa. An interviewee also suggested that haka channels generations, meaning performances ‘should not be taken lightly’, as well as another saying a player’s tīpuna may give them the ihi for the game if they do it well. So, maybe next time you see your tauiwi mate crack out the haka when they’re drunk, nip it in the bud. They’re not harnessing their tīpuna; they’re probably harnessing someone else’s. If I was the tipuna being awoken, I would be pissed to have my peaceful rest broken for that shitty performance.

I don’t wish Ka Mate to be removed from sports, as I hope the positives of representation and honouring our culture in te ao Pākeha outweigh the negatives. Perhaps the way to go about it is what Timu suggested - hashing it out over a Māori-only table, trying to find a balance between how much or how little is shared. Perhaps a fresh haka could be created, in order to eliminate risks of appropriation and stigma being mixed with the mana of Te Rauparaha and Ngāti Toa. I don’t have the be all, end all solution, but the Kiwiana-fication of Ka Mate doesn’t sit well with me in the slightest, as I’m sure is the case for many. Ka Mate integrated into a deeply Pākeha ‘Kiwi’ culture is not our tīpuna’s wildest dream.

Glossary:

Māoritanga - Māori culture, traditions and way of life

Hei tiki - ornamental neck pendant, carved in human form

Pounamu - greenstone

Tino rangatiratanga- self-determination, sovereignty, independence, etc

Tīpuna – ancestors

Tipuna – ancestor

Tamariki - children

Mana - prestige, authority, etc

Kōrero - conversation, discussion, etc

Tautoko - support

Taonga - treasure

Whakapapa - genealogy

Ihi - excitement, thrill, etc

Tauiwi - non-Māori

Te ao Pākeha - the Pākeha world

Illustration by Annick Harvey

Michael’s Secret Stuff

The biggest sports conspiracy that NOONE is talking about.

By Aiden Charles (he/they)

Content warning: this article makes light of and references the topics of steroid usage and sports doping. The year was 1996. Most of us weren’t born yet. Star Wars Episode 1 was rumoured in development and had not disappointed a generation of fan boys. Dolly the Sheep had just been cloned, my sister wasn’t even born, and Red Bull had just entered the US market. But overshadowing all of it was the sports event of the century: Space Jam.

It was the ultimate sports team up; Michael Jordan, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck up against the ferocious Monstars, who had just stolen the sporting abilities of some of the NBA’s greatest players. We were all so focused on the spectacle, the underdog story of Bugs pulling one of the greatest sporting icons out of retirement, that we did not stop to think about the logistics.

How did they win? How did the Tune Squad even stand a chance?

Disclamer

Now before we begin, I don’t think Michael was in on it. I think he was an unwitting accomplice to what transpired prior to/during the 1996 Space Jam exhibition event. However, it was his Secret Stuff which allowed this to happen, and should he be found guilty after this evidence is brought to light, then so be it.

The Monstars (also known as the Nerdlucks), this event’s “away team” if you will, used space-magic to obtain the basketball skill of various NBA players. Players who have spent their entire lives training, learning, winning at basketball. Bugs Bunny is a cartoon rabbit who, prior to Space Jam, had little-to-no sports experience. Even with the help of Michael Jordan, Space Jam should have been a loss. The Tune Squad were essentially going up against Charles Barkley, Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy Bogues. Even if it was not physically these players, the Monstars still had all their abilities.

The only explanation: an enormous doping scandal which Warner Bros has been covering up for years, one that we’ve all been turning a blind eye to. Noone wants to believe that the Tune Squad were on something, but it just makes sense. There’s an argument to be made that what they did was for the greater good, but is it really winning if you cheat to get

ahead?

This seems like something I’m pulling out of thin air, but it’s literally on film! The evidence is present, and NOONE wants to discuss it. What really went down at Space Jam 1996? Was it all a psychological trick by Bugs Bunny to give his team the edge they needed, or was there something else present in Michael’s Secret Stuff?

The Evidence

We all brushed it off as humour at the time, as a wink and nudge to the adult audience about sports doping. But that’s why it worked so well, it was in plain sight this whole time.

Mr Bugs Bunny is not known for his sporting prowess. In fact, none of the Tune Squad are. But the fact that Bugs challenged the Nerdlucks to a basketball match in the first place is cause for suspicion. Had this been his plan all along? Did he know about Michael’s Secret Stuff before the challenge occurred?

For the uninitiated, Bugs Bunny is the inventor of the carrot peeler, an item he’s been making bank off for years. He obviously has business knowledge. So, what if Space Jam was more than just an exhibition match. What if the entire event was setup so Bunny could test his newfound product. What better way to prove your sport’s supplement/ stimulant to potential shareholders than show players demolishing some of the NBAs greats while juiced up on the stuff. But what does Michael Jordan have to do with it? A certain McDonalds campaign shows how against drugs he is, doesn’t it?

Figure 1 - Placebo, or performance enhancer

Launching a new product is always a risky move, and when said product could be incredibly controversial, Bugs cannot just walk into a boardroom and say, “what’s up, Doc?” but a celebrity endorsement from THE Michael Jordan could increase credibility tenfold.

It would also dispel any rumours that the Secret Stuff was related in any way to performance enhancers. Why would the same man who told children to “stop it, get some help” endorse steroids?

The Verdict

Bugs Bunny and the entire Tune Squad should feel ashamed for what they did. The Squad knowingly ingested performance enhancing drugs provided by Bugs Bunny. On top of that, McDonald’s anti-drugs spokesman and NBA champion Michael Jordan’s name was besmirched as a result. How are we to know that this conspiracy didn’t run further than what we’ve found? Was the latest Space Jam simply another product demonstration for drug entrepreneur and criminal master-mind Bugs Bunny? Whatever the case, the truth is out. You can’t hide anymore Bugs; I’ve blown this thing wide open.

Because he didn’t know he was.

The film clearly shows a confused Michael Jordan being told to “play along” by Bugs. It also shows Bugs filling up the bottle with ordinary tap water before slapping a label on it. There’s a good three to five seconds where we do not see the bottle, the perfect time for Bugs to administer whatever enhancers the Secret Stuff needed to function.

That’s enough writing for one day I think, I’m parched! Good thing I’ve got my all new, all natural, homemade drink here to quench my thirst and give me the energy I need to write another article!

Figure 2 - Anti-drugs spokesman, and unknowing Secret Stuff endorser, Michael Jordan

Figure 3 - Ordinary water couldn’t do this!