Mayhem! Magazine - Issue 3 (Winter Special 2011/12)

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PORTSMOUTH’S NEWEST

FREE LIFESTYLE MAGAZINE

ISSUE 3

A chat with TV comedian

REGINALD D HUNTER Y MON EEY MON EY it! MOtN o save

WIN

How

How to have a…

A VIP PARTY

WINTER FLING

Ben Fogle

CELEBS | SPORTS | MUSIC | FILM | BEAUTY | FASHION | HUMOUR

I’M P U

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Flying high, with…

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Catch up with

PI C

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A VIP Party courtesy of Tiger Tiger. Exclusive access to the VIP Members Lounge area with canapés and Champagne on arrival for up to 10 people, in February 2012. Simply email us with the word ‘TIGER’ to WIN this fantastic night thanks to Tiger Tiger Gunwharf.

Submit yours by January 27th to: win@mayhemmagazine.co.uk with ‘TIGER’ as the subject title. We’ll announce the winning entry on www.mayhemmagazine.co.uk by January 31st. Prize must be claimed and used by the end of February 2012. Make sure you give us your name and phone number so we can contact the winner.

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MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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WORD FROM THE TOP!

Founder Daniel Tidbury Editor Mia Habens Graphic Design Tidbury Design Staff Writers Mia Habens Edward Couzens-Lake Contributing Writers Carl Robinson Tori Harris Vicky Nairn Chris Morley Jennifer Le Roux Gabriella Crawley-Moore Felicity Patrick Nightlife Paparazzi Mick Wythe Liam Deluchi Fashion Photography Tidbury Photography Promotions Felicity Patrick Daniel Tidbury Jennifer Le Roux Sales/Marketing Simone Sarsfield Jennifer Le Roux Distribution Mayhem! Ambassadors Director Daniel Tidbury Publisher Tidbury Media 023 9229 4408 hello@mayhemmagazine.co.uk The Clock Tower, 44 Castle Rd, PO5 3DE www.mayhemmagazine.co.uk Mayhem! is a free, light-entertainment magazine dedicated to relieving Portsmouth’s 18–35yr-olds of the pressures of everyday life. Among course-work, crowded classrooms, boring professors, a-hole bosses and messy room mates, Mayhem! offers a welcome distraction for those just trying to get away from it all. Keep up to date with the latest trends, fashions and interviews with our monthly instalments available to pick up from the countless distribution points scattered across the city and surrounding areas at the beginning of each month. © Copyright 2011. All rights reserved, Tidbury Media .

EDITOR’S

LETTER It’s Chriiistmaaasss!

As some of you may have realised the countdown to Christmas has officially begun! Yay! If you started your countdown when the decorations and lights sprang up in the shops, we’re actually about 4 months late, but here at Mayhem! we don’t begin the festive frolics until the 12th month at the earliest – so bah humbug! And there’s plenty in this issue to get your bells jingling right into 2012, with Christmas tips and New Year’s resolutions, gift ideas and money-saving solutions. And we’ve also catered for all the Scrooge’s out there with fascinating interviews from home-grown heart-throb Ben Fogle, comedian Reginald D Hunter and we’ve even managed to squeeze in some Noel this Christmas (Gallagher that is… get it?!). We’ve also got the latest in winter fashions, festive facts including where our humble mince pies came from and more cocktail recipes than you can shake a candy cane at. And don’t forget to make the most of all the competitions and money saving vouchers – you’ll need them at this time of year! I hope you enjoy this issue and, from all the team at Mayhem!, have a great Christmas and New Year. See you in 2012

Mia Habens @MAYHEMMAG

To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine email us at: hello@mayhemmagazine.co.uk

| Editor

THE MAYHEM MAGAZINE WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

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WHO’S ON BOARD!

p a g e 08

e 34 pa g

54 Xmas traditions… explained!

12 Winter make-up tips.

56 That’s what I call Xmas.

14 How to have a winter fling. 18 Money money money… how to save some! 20 7 Fun drunken antics. 32 Celebrity wimps, who can actually kick ass.

44

r e t n i W Sp

52 Festive drinks from around the world. 08 A chat with Portsmouth alumni Ben Fogle.

pa g e

58 Festive food fetishes.

ecial

DON’ T FORG ET TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR MAYHEM! M ONEY-SAVER S FOR DISCOU NTS ACROSS THE CITY!

68 How to score at your office party! 62 Mayhem! bad gift guide 70 Secret Santa. 64 Getting back that 72 Can’t fail new years Xmas Magic! resolutions. 66 Weird stories behind 60 Dinner on a budget.

our favourite Xmas decorations.

76 Sabotage your mates new year resolutions.

34 Catch up with Reginald D Hunter. 35 Mayhem! Poker tips. 44 Exclusive with Noel Gallagher. 78 Humorous horoscopes! 6

MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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CATCH UP WITH PORTSMOUTH’S VERY OWN ACTION MAN!

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MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

n s t art ? Be t, e w o d e is Wher r , column o h t u a , Fog le re s e n t e r p n o i s i v e t el upport er s d n a r e … adven t ur charit ies s s e l t n u of co

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CATCH UP WITH PORTSMOUTH’S VERY OWN ACTION MAN!

…But did you know he also studied at Portsmouth uni and has an Honorary Doctorate! So what exactly do you have to do, to receive an honorary doctorate? Have half your face chewed off by a flesh eating disease? Row across the atlantic? Walk to the south pole? Run countless marathons – across the Sahara!? Well, Ben’s been a busy boy since his days in Pompey and Mayhem! is here to find out more! YOUR MOST RECENT ACHIEVEMENT WAS A SWIM ACROSS THE SAN FRANSISCO BAY. WHAT WAS THIS ALL ABOUT?

I’m in the midst of filming a new series for the BBC and Lonely Planet called Ben’s Year of Adventures which sees me travelling the world in search of adventure. I’ve solo skydived in Australia, taken part in a 24hr mountain bike race in Moab and scuba dived between the tectonic plates of Europe and North America to name just a few. To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine email us at: hello@mayhemmagazine.co.uk

WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

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CATCH UP WITH PORTSMOUTH’S VERY OWN ACTION MAN! HEADER

10 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

CATCH UP WITH PORTSMOUTH’S VERY OWN ACTION HEADER MAN! YOU STUDIED HERE AT PORTSMOUTH UNIVERSITY AND THE UNI OF COSTA RICA, PLUS WHILE AT UNI YOU ENROLLED AS A MIDSHIPMAN IN THE ROYAL NAVAL RESERVE, SERVING AS AN OFFICER ON HMS BLAZER! CAN YOU CONNECT THE DOTS FOR US?

I read Latin American Studies at Portsmouth and the four year degree included a year away in Costa Rica. During my three years in Pompey I joined the University Royal Naval Unit in which I became a Midshipman aboard HMS Blazer. I spent my weeks in Park building by the Guildhall and my weekends and holidays aboard HMS Blazer. WHAT MADE YOU COME TO PORTSMOUTH AND HOW HAVE YOU INTEGRATED YOUR LATIN AMERICAN STUDIES INTO WHAT YOU’RE DOING NOW?

I liked the idea of being by the sea and Portsmouth seemed as good a place as any. My degree has been useful over the years, particularly my Spanish language. TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCES HERE AND WHAT WERE YOUR FAVOURITE HAUNTS?

I loved my time in Pompey. I don’t know how many of my old haunts still exist but I spent time in The Dolphin in Old Portsmouth and the Wine Vaults were always popular. I loved wondering around Southsea and Old Portsmouth to watch all the shipping pass by. YOU FOUND FAME BY TRAVELING FROM ONE END OF THE COUNTRY TO THE OTHER (PORTSMOUTH TO SCOTTISH ISLAND, TARANSAY). TELL US ABOUT THE REALITY TV SHOW CASTAWAY 2000. HOW DID YOU END UP BEING PART OF THIS?

It was soon after I had graduated and I saw an article about the BBC’s plans for a pioneering social experiment to celebrate the millenium. I thought it sounded like a fun idea and the rest as they say is history.

HOW DID YOU GO FROM THIS TO THE GLITZ OF BEING A TV PRESENTER ON THE BBC?

I was lucky that the BBC contacted me soon after I left the island and asked if I’d like to present a couple of shows for them. It started with Animal Park, Countryfile and Holiday. WHAT’S BEEN YOUR FAVOURITE PROGRAMME TO BE PART OF AND WHY? HAVE YOU GOT ANY BEHIND THE SCENES STORIES?

To be honest I’ve loved them all. They’ve all been so unique. I particularly liked filming with Prince William and Harry in Botswana last year for my programme Prince William’s Africa. SEVERAL YEARS BACK YOU WENT TO THE SAHARA TO RUN THE NOTORIOUS SAND MARATHON (150 MILES IN THE DESERT HEAT), NOT TO MENTION THE SOUTH POLE RACE (A 500 MILE FOOTRACE ACROSS THE ANTARCTICA!) WOULD YOU CLASS YOURSELF AS A REAL LIFE ACTION MAN AT HEART? AND HOW DO YOU PREPARE YOURSELF TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN’T DO?

I was never particularly sporty but I like to test myself physically and mentally.

HOW WAS IT BEING BACK IN PORTSMOUTH LAST YEAR TO DO THE BUPA GREAT SOUTH RUN? WILL YOU BE BACK TO DO IT AGAIN? YOU GOT A PERSONAL BEST TIME DIDN’T YOU?

I loved the GSR. I hope to return next year to do it again. I got my PB last year. Maybe it was to do with the fact that I felt at ease back in my ‘home’ city. I ran it while suffering hand, foot and mouth disease. Don’t ask! TELL US ABOUT YOUR HONORARY DOCTORATE FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF PORTSMOUTH. WHAT WAS IT FOR AND HOW DID YOU FEEL?

I was very honoured to receive it. I got it for services to sport and adventure and I am very proud. WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY WORKING ON AT THE MOMENT?

I spent the summer filming in Botswana and Australia for a new series Ben Fogle Swimming with Crocodiles and am about to film Storm City for Sky One FINALLY, HAVE YOU GOT ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THE CURRENT STUDENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PORTSMOUTH?

Enjoy yourself and make the most of the city. It’s a great place to be.

The Marathon Des Sables was one of the most painful experiences of my life but also quite illuminating. It was a portal into a whole new world. Not long after I rowed the Atlantic and it kept spiralling from there. I try to exercise everyday but to be honest life’s experiences give you the best training. There are plenty of things I can’t do. Sewing, cooking, DIY…

To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine email us at: hello@mayhemmagazine.co.uk

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LOOKING GOOD THIS WINTER

OUR EASY GUIDE TO

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WRITTEN BY TORI HARRIS PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID GREENSMITH MODELLED BY AEMELIA-JOSIE PEACHY EDWARDS

PERFECTING YOUR WINTER MAKE-UP

5IF TFDSFU UP QFSGFDU XJOUFS NBLF VQ JT LFFQJOH JU JO QMBDF BOE JO HSFBU DPOEJUJPO XIFUIFS PVUTJEF JO UIF DPME EBNQ BJS PS JOTJEF JO UIF XBSN ESZ IFBUFE BJS &MJNJOBUJOH 3VEPMG OPTFT XJUI HSFBU GPVOEBUJPO BOE BWPJEJOH TUSFBNJOH QBOEB FZFT JT QPTTJCMF

START WITH A PRIMER This will help to reduce pores and even skin tone – something with a green or purple tone to it will really help to eliminate redness. Just make sure you get the right one for your skin type! Urban Decay (1) do an amazing eye primer which locks in colour and stops eye shadows gathering in the crease. 12 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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EYEBROWS ARE KEY FEATURES NEXT STEP IS FOUNDATION A waterproof foundation is essential throughout the British winter! However, I know the thought of changing your foundation is almost enough to stop you reading but fear not – FACE Atelier (2) have a fantastic product. All you need is a small drop of transforming gel into your ordinary foundation and it will survive a good British downpour! My big winter tip is stay away from face powder products! I wouldn’t recommend going shiny either, instead opt for a mattifying gel – it reduces shine and won’t go patchy in the rain!

Strong and defined is the look you’re going for but avoid harsh, over-pencilled lines. For a softer, more natural look, choose an eye shadow in a colour as close to your hair colour as possible and gently brush the shadow through the brow – going slightly under the hair line to thicken them if needs be. Remember to draw in a nice arch shape and perhaps extend the brow outwards slightly for a stronger effect. Cheeks should be shaped with a cream blusher (3) or cheek stain (4) – better in winter than a powder blush as it won’t highlight any dried out areas. The rest of your make up should sit beautifully on the weather proof base you have created!

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LOOKING GOOD THIS WINTER

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COZY UP!

HOW TO HAVE A

WINTER FLING WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

Ah, the ic e cold c hill of w long, da inter, sn rk night ow fall s and ro It’s a tim ing, mance is e when a in the air. yo some co ung man mpanion ’s thoug ship to m hts turn worth it ake those to . And tha long nig t’s great hts , – in th eory! In not only the squeeze into you also hel r tiny be p you ma d with yo ke it in not so e u but the mor asy, prob n ing – th a b l y because out ther at’s e don’t h most of ave a cl you blok Immatur ue. Let’s es e infatua face it. tions wit boobs w h beer a ill only nd ever del iver the the next morning , never t one that he ’s warm and cudd so wise ly… up and l earn somethin g!

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT! Now this may sound obvious. But the lady of your dreams is only ever going to be the lady of your dreams unless you make an effort to look the part. Yes, that Lil Wayne T-Shirt is cool, but only in your mind. No-one thinks you are at one with the streets, so give it up, get it off and have a fashion rethink. Have a word with one of your female mates, the one who’s a mate, but who you’ve never fancied. Come on, all men have at least one... the one you’ve known forever and ask her to help you dress like the sort of man she’d want to go on a date with. Ditch the grungy T-Shirts, the grubby trainers and the black jeans that look like they’ve been used in a biological warfare experiment. Hell, be radical, try wearing trousers that are kept up by a belt, not an elasticated waist! Male fashion is now, well, fashionable, it’s great to look stylish and take a bit of pride in your appearance, and guess what? The boys aren’t just doing it for the girls – they’re doing it for themselves. You may not look like David Beckham after all, but your chances of a hot hook up over the winter will be far greater if you try, even a little, to dress like him – hmn, well, maybe not the sarong. 14 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

CLEAN UP YOUR BODY! Well this is even more obvious. But some of you just won’t be told. We know! A life of late nights, microwaveable meals and long, sweaty sessions of twiddling the joystick of your PS3 means that you aren’t going to be that bothered about your personal hygiene. And, while you may think dousing yourself with Lynx is as good as half an hour under the shower – it isn’t. You’re at your freshest and loveliest with non-perfumed soap, plenty of hot water and a simple anti-perspirant – that way, you won’t end up smelling like the warthog pit at the local zoo, infact, you won’t smell of anything much at all – just your natural and unique clean body odour – which is a winner. To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

COZY UP!

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CLEAN UP YOUR ATTITUDE! You know who you are! Belching contests, farting, ogling at the barmaid and bragging about how many ‘fedz’ you took out on ‘Murder In Vegas: 2111’ last night isn’t going to charm the ladies,– infact, when they start to yawn, it doesn’t mean they want to get away to bed, well, certainly not with you. When, by some miracle (or heeding Mayhem!’s advice) you’ve got yourself a winter evenings date – be attentive, listen to her, REALLY listen and pay attention, open doors for her, get her another drink just before she’s finished the one she’s got, pick her up and walk her home and just be charming, you’re with her and you’re there for her, she’s not another bloke, she’s your treasure for the evening, so treat her well and expect nothing more than what’s happening at that very moment – yes, you may both only want to have a winter fling and nothing else... but there’s nothing wrong in having a winter fling with a little finesse and panache thrown in. Try it – you’ll like it. And tell us about it when you do...

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WRITTEN BY FELICITY PATRICK

GET THE GLITZ!

FESTIVE This season eye make-up is all about the shimmer! So through our search of all things tinsel-tastic we came across the blingbar. The myface.cosmestics blingbar is stacked to the virtual rafters with eye make-up, nail varnish and lip-gloss that’s dripping with glitz! and ness Dey n k ham, A gy ec B e a th ri n to o ic V all got in ohan have f o e m L indsey L so k out tion . Chec bling! blin gbar ac ring on the b d an s ct u d ro p e thes

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WRITTEN BY VICKY NAIRN

WATCH THE READIES!

MONEY y ain ’t conom w e ’re being e e h t d om a c e it , t e r a n s o f cr a p f r Le t s f ch be t k re u n e m u h h g s m! i zed c e i h s g e t t in y t a o i m f e d id ow t o op.. . s o s p oo n t t h e t p l e t ip s o n h a a d! s d o ding lo s im n t he b e w p e s f wit h n t he lig ht e

BUDGET

RESPONSIBLE MOTHER

Setting yourself a weekly budget is essential so buying half the club a Jaeger Bomb has to come to an end at some point. Always pre-drink… drinking before you go out saves pennies for later. And ladies, the best drinks in life are free and a good 10 minute conversation with a guy at the bar can do wonders, so take advantage! Try and budget for food, nights out and perhaps sports and transport. That way you roughly know how much you can allow yourself each week. NEVER take your bank card out!

There’s always one is the group… there’s the flirt, the sporty one and the responsible one. They can be a bit of a moany old nag sometimes, but it’s for your own good. They’re also particularly handy when it comes to house sharing, as there will always be somebody to make sure the bills are paid on time, that you have electricity and broadband to stalk your recent crush on Facebook. They need to be reliable and organised, it’s always good to have one person who knows what’s going on, saving the rest of you the panic.

18 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

JOINT ACCOUNTS Another essential in a house-share is a joint account. Many tenants want you to pay out of a single-named account, do not accept this, there are ways to put everybody’s name on the account, leading banks can provide this service. If the ditsy one forgets to transfer the rent and there’s a single name on the account, their rating goes down and the chance of a mortgage in later life. There are excellent ways to pay bills so nobody gets the blame when bills are bouncing.

DISCOUNTS AND VOUCHERS Paying three grand a year sucks, therefore it’s important to reap the rewards of being a student. Most high street shops will be able to give at least 10% off purchases, saving you pennies to put in the alcohol fund. Also websites such as groupon.co.uk are a great way to get discounts of up to 70% on anything from pizza to haircuts. A great app. for iPhones is ‘vouch cloud’, which gives you up to 20% off in selected restaurants. Try and pick up the student discount book or visit their website which again has lots of discount vouchers. Tesco club card and boots advantage cards are another great way to save on those everyday items. And don’t forget our very own Mayhem! Money-Savers.

PART-TIME JOBS Speaking from experience, if you want a job, look NOW! Before all the students realise uni is slightly more expensive than expected. Gunwarf has a notice board of jobs which is updated on a regular basis. Also ‘Purple door’ has a long list of jobs especially for students. And it’s not just catering or shop work, but opportunities such as going into schools, which looks great on your CV. Just don’t commit to too many hours… your first year isn’t the toughest, but people can still fail. Don’t be that person.

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2

TH E CINNAMON DE BATE

5

The cornerstone of many a drun ken argu ment – is it possible to swallow a teaspoon of powdered cinnamon? Tech nically no, but it’s fun conv incing people they need to give it a go for the hilar ity factor. After wards, refer to activ ity 2 and reflect on what just happened . Verdict: Spicy 20 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

1

D

DRAG RACE

Once you reach the point of alcoholic liberty (you don’t know your arse from your elbow), now is the perfect time to enlist the help of your nearest amigo and attempt to turn each other into the best representation of a drag queen . Think Katy Price and you’re half way there. Why? Well why not? Verdict: Skankfest

H EAD ON A POLE e wh ich

a pol Old ie but a goodie. Find ket bat. cric a of gth len is about the r forehead you ce pla and r floo on Place le five circ in on top. Then run rou nd r. It ove fall to not times wh ilst try ing ing out tak up end l wil you t is likely tha rry because a bystander, but don’t wo h a camera wit someone will be there g. thin film ing the whole Verdict: Set up

CENSORE

GET NEKKID

3

Stripping off and prancing around in the nude always guarantees a laugh (or vomit, depending on how much JD the onlookers have embibed). Plus, freedom for flappy bits is generally welcome with ever rising body temperatures. Verdict: Highly recommended

DRINK MORE

6

You may be slightly merry, if so then you need to step it up a notch – no one thin ks you r rest rain is impressive, you’re holding everyone else bac k. Invent a cockta il; go rou nd everybody in the room and ask for a finger me asu re of their drin k, pou r into glass and enjoy. Verdict: £ POUND SAVER £

YOUT U

4

B E IT U

C on ne ct you r prefer r dev ice ed (laptop /phone etc) on /PS3 to the b ig scree g ig gle th n a nd e n ight away. F inspira or tion wh y not s w it h ‘d ta r t ra mati c squ ir Verdic rel’ ? t: ‘Blad d e rb u r st ’

P

K E BAB O FF

ponent Identify a worthy op as much t ea n ca o wh and see at as fet id doner kebab me u get yo n, wi possible. If you and la co of ttle bo to down a light de sh rki Tu rid ac belch loser. into the face of the e tiv eti Verdict: Comp

7

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31

CELEBRITY SECRETS!

UNLIKELY CELEBRITIES WHO CAN KICK

YOUR ARSE

/PX XF BMM LOPX UI F #SVDF 8JMMJT¤T BOE +BDLJF $IBO¤T PG UIF XPSME DBO PQFO VQ B DBO PG XIPPQ BTT GSPN UJN F UP UJNF TP OP POF JO UIFJS SJ HIU NJOE XPVME UBLF UIFN P O )PXFWFS UIFSF BSF B GFX VO MJLFMZ IFSPFT PVU UIFSF XIP BSF KVTU XBJUJOH GPS TPNFPOF UP USZ TPNFUIJOH˜ TP CFXBSF UIF TDBS Z DFMFCT

WRITTEN BY MIA HABENS

RYAN JAMES BLUNT PHILLIPPE We all know he sounds like a prepubescent girl when he sings, but James Blunt is actually a trained killing machine – well, kind of! He wasn’t only in the British Army, but he managed to croon his way all the way to the rank of Captain. We think that’s pretty impressive‌ not so ‘beautiful’ now is he! 32 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

I know what you’re thinking‌ this boy’s just too pretty to be a bad ass. No one could ever hit a face like that surely? Well Rambo Ryan, from Cruel Intentions fame, obviously doesn’t think so, as he’s trained to become a black belt in Taekwondo! We didn’t think he could get any hotter‌ we were wrong!

MICHAEL FLATLEY Really? The Lord of the Dance could kick my butt? Come on! Well, yes‌ this Celtic icon actually grew up in the rugged streets of Chicago, where he trained as a boxer. He even won the Golden Gloves championship in 1975! Looks like his fists are almost as deadly as his feet!

EMMA BUNTON Yes, you heard me‌baby spice is actually a hardnut! Her mother is actually a Gojuka Karate instructor and trained little Emma to a ‘very high level’, so she wouldn’t be bullied at school. This earned baby Bunton the nick-name Kung Foo Candy and we think that’s girl power at it’s best.

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w a nt to play at the o2?

Live and Unsigned coming to a venue near you!

W

ith the chance to play at The O2 in London and ÂŁ100,000 in prizes, Live and Unsigned is set to attract thousands of unsigned musicians when auditions begin in January. The competition has also just announced an additional new main cash prize of ÂŁ10,000 for the winning act to spend on their development. Add to that the prospect of festival slots across the

Those who make it to the Grand Final will get to share

Unsigned is THE competition for aspiring bands and acts to enter in the New Year. There are festival slots in Canada, Italy, Latvia and Dublin up for grabs for the best unsigned acts in the country that make it to the Grand Final at The O2, which is incorporated into Live Fest,

Fest at The O2 in London! Acts on the bill last year Hoosiers.

Annie Nightingale, Tom Deacon and Daniel P Carter,

Alternative, rock or acoustic, the competition has it all. Each year the competition prize pool gets bigger and better as acts take to the stage and battle it out for equipment, festival slots, studio time and master classes. Other prizes up for grabs

the dream since being crowned the best unsigned band in the Canada and played at some of the the likes of Chase and Status,

and TC Electronic amps, extensive coverage on MUZU TV and YouTube and a comprehensive consultation package with Future Music including social marketing, image, brand, access to industry contacts plus more! All acts in the competition are auditioned live which is what makes Live and Unsigned so unique, there are no demos or submissions. Acts that make it through the audition stage associates and celebrity guests in some of

now working on a single in the

Your chance to play at The O2...

produced for some of the biggest names in the industry. Auditions begin again in January 2012 with a number of new audition venues on the circuit including the world famous Dingwalls in Camden. Acts are urged to enter now as places are in high demand and auditions are limited for what will be a great platform for any act or band to showcase their music. For information on how to secure your live audition for 2012 go to www.LiveandUnsigned.uk.com and register today!

A CHAT WITH THE HUNTER!

d l a n i g e r r e t n u H . D O ON E , W A ON E T

ITH...

IN TE RV IE

34 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

W BY DA NI

EL TI DBUR

Y

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A CHAT WITH THE HUNTER!

This month we caught up with TV and stand-up comedian Reginald D Hunter, in the wake of his Portsmouth tour date... So you arrived in Britain when you were 27 and started training at RADA. comedy set as a dare, can you remember who it was who dared you and why? I don’t remember who it was or why, but I do remember that it was at the Bear Tavern in Birmingham. However, my first professional gig was at a place called The Waterworks Club in the same neighbourhood.

Did comedy click for you immediately – have you ever looked back and wished you’d continued further with drama and acting? Yes, I really enjoyed my first 3 gigs in the comedy world. It must have been fun as I didn’t actually have any jokes at the time. But if I could find an acting job that I could enjoy as much as stand up I’d certainly be interested in getting back into it.

Your routine often involves talking about race and discussing the use of words most would see as taboo. Your ‘Pride & Prejudice & Niggas’ show caused a stir and the london underground banned your posters... what were your thoughts at that time? At the time I thought London Underground banning my posters whilst I had a show running was most inconvenient. I would have preferred that if they were going to ban my advertising they had waited until I didn’t have a show running!

That would have been much more convenient. I took it in my stride though as I knew that it was yet another ploy spearheaded by racist, lesbian aliens. They’ve had it in for me for years.

You did however go on to win the Writers Guild Award in 2006 for the same show... so you must have felt pretty good about that and stuck who were against it...? It’s always great to have your work recognised but I have to admit that I did not make any connection with winning that award and London underground for not advertising my poster… I perhaps should have.

As a regular on the TV for popular shows like ‘8 of 10 cats’, and ‘have I got news for you’... do you have a favourite? do you have any close bonds with the other comedians? To me it’s all one long big Panel show. Everything. Including my life. I love Panel Shows. I wish I could live in a panel show. Yes, Steve Hughes has been touring with me for the last two years now. He is very excellent.

Have there been any particularly memorable moments to date? I have forgotten them all in a drunken haze of misspent loneliness and lust. I don’t remember moments, incidents, words or faces just the general feeling of yes.

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You also appear on ‘This Week’ occasionally... would you like to become more involved politically and if so, doing what? I would like to become more involved politically. There are a few people in politics who I would like to have sex with but I’m not sure that is the same thing as being involved politically…

So you’re also on tour at the moment... hows it going so far? Whats been your favourite place? Very well thank you. So well in fact that we’ve been able to add another 20 shows in February next year. The Portsmouth crowd were especially great. They were drunk but intellectually astute. just how I like them.

Do you have any pre-show habits or rituals...? Sorry to disappoint, but, no habits or rituals in particular.

So Whats next for you, after the tour...? My debut stand up DVD, Reginald D Hunter – Live is released this month and I’m currently working on a TV project in LA so I may be going back to the States at some point. Reg is touring the UK until March 2012 and ‘REGINALD D. HUNTER LIVE’ is OUT NOW available on DVD courtesy of Universal Pictures UK. WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

35

WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

CHECK!

CAN’T

FAIL* POKER

TIPS

not act ually y a m e s e h T * u could los e work an d yo s h! a lot of do DON’T PLAY EVERY HAND

DON’T DRINK AND GAMBLE Lots of things are better experienced when drunk. Poker is not one of them! So, unless you’ve got unlimited funds and access to a fast plane that’ll whisk you off to South America, no questions asked – then be aware, playing drunk is more likely to lead to empty pockets than high chip stakes. So leave out the booze until you’re set up for a post-win celebration with all the Casino groupies (men and women) who’ll want to get into more than your wallet.

Yep, fold if you are in the slightest doubt about the strength of your hand. It’s an easy temptation (and a regular one) for new Poker players who, when they start playing the game seriously for the first time just want to ‘play’ Poker – thus staying in hands and games when, really, they would have been better dropping out of as soon as they could. So don’t play a bad hand and stay in the game just so you can be part of the scene – your opponents won’t care that you’re new and don’t care if you lose your shirt. Rule of thumb for the Poker newbie is to check your technique and starting hand requirements if you find yourself staying in half or more of the hands you’re dealt.

36 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

EM ! MAYHT FAC :

es highest stak One of the en paid be ve ha to n game know 000 ’000/$200’ was a $100 ed by st ho e m em ga limit Hold’ . Andy Reid re ai on lli Bi

KNOW WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD ‘EM DON’T BLUFF TOO MUCH Bluffing is a major part of Poker but most newcomers to the game have no idea how to effectively use it. Bluffing only works in certain situations against certain people – and then it doesn’t always work! Some players will always call, that’s how they play and if they do, then you are never going to bluff them. As a wise (and probably rich) man once said, ‘it is better never to bluff, than to bluff for the sake of bluffing’.

In Poker you can’t win the pot by just throwing money at it regardless. There will always be cases when the pot odds warrant that call but, if you’re sure that you’ll be beaten and there is no way that your hand can improve to be the best hand (and you’ll know), then to hell with holding for glory that you can only perceive in your mind, fold immediately! That money that you put in the pot is no longer yours and you aren’t going to get it back just by playing your hand all the way to the bitter end.

DON’T CALL FOR THE SAKE OF CALLING This one logically follows the last tip. Lots of players look at another players final bet, look at their hand and think, “I know they’ve got me… but I have to keep them honest” as they throw in a final call. Oh very noble. But you won’t win and you’ll only end up lowering your chip count, perhaps terminally, at the cost of your ego – which you should never bring to the Poker table. Which makes you a loser both ways!

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FLYING SOLO!

NOEL GALLAGHER l “it ’ s act uaazz ” s pa ce j We get the latest with Noel about the row with his brother that made rock’n’roll history, what fans can expect from his new solo material and much, much more! SO NOEL – YOU’RE RELEASING TWO ALBUMS OF SOLO MATERIAL. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TUCKING SONGS AWAY FOR THIS?

I’ve only really been writing five songs on every Oasis album for the last decade, so I’ve had lots of songs kind of floating about. But I haven’t really been stockpiling them for anything. I never really get to finish them off I just kind of work on the five best ones that’d be used for the record because the way it worked then, I would do half of the record and the other guys would do the other half. But I’ve always had lots of songs, you know, I kinda keep busy on the road and when I’m at home. Always keep switched on. 44 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

WHAT DO THEY SOUND LIKE - DO THEY SOUND LIKE OASIS SONGS?

The first one – the High Flying Birds one – I guess for fans of what I do there’s echoes of Oasis in there but there isn’t a guitar solo on the record until the sixth track – somebody pointed that out to me the other day and I was kind of, ‘Wish I could change that now’. So it’s not very guitar hero. And the other one: it’s far out man. If you’re aware of what The Amorphous Androgynous do, they worked on a remix for me on the last Oasis record where they managed to squeeze or stretch twenty two minutes out of one song and that album’s got eighteen tracks on it, it’s like some of it’s vaudeville, some of

it’s actual space jazz, some of it’s Krautrock – seriously – some of it’s Krautrock, some of it’s soul, some of it’s funk – and that’s just the first song. It’s the furthest out I’ve ever been, let’s put it that way. All good though. LIAM’S BEEN SAYING HE’S MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT AND ARE YOU BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM?

We had a sweepstake on how long this would take. I went in at eight minutes – I don’t know, did I win? It’s not eight minutes is it? Two and half!? I’m sure he is, you know, I’m sure he is. Am I better off what? Financially? I don’t know. I don’t want to put a downer on it but I’ve never really seen myself as being a front man and I can see it being a major pain in the arse for me. Even a symbolic thing like standing in the middle of the stage – although I’ve done it before, I’ve done it in gigs for charity so always in my head I was like, well, I’m doing someone a favour so stuff ‘em, do you know what I mean? And now it’s kind of like I’ve got to stand in the middle of the stage and that’s gonna be weird.

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FLYING SOLO!

He’s probably better off without me because he’s in charge and it remains to be seen whether I’m better off without him, doesn’t it? IF WE LOOK AT THE LIST OF PLAYERS ON YOUR ALBUM, THERE’S A GUY CALLED MARK MEARY WHO PLAYS WINE GLASSES, WASHBOARD AND ELECTRIC KETTLE. WILL THAT BE GOING ON THE ROAD WITH YOU?

The electric kettle? No, the guy Mark he wasn’t even supposed to play on the record but he was just one of the guys who was operating the Pro Tools thingamajig and one day we were in the studio and we were having a discussion about h ow we needed a double bass on a track and he just casually piped up – he’s a Geordie – and he says, ‘I can play the double bass’ and I was like, ’What? Go and get it’. So off he went and the next thing was like we were going on about a saw, when you play a saw with a thing, and he just piped up that he could play one of those – well, go and get that then and what else can you play? And he came out with the wine glasses and all that. The thing about the electric kettle is obviously a joke, so, you know, we haven’t got the flight case for the kettle.

YOU PLAYED LAST YEAR AT THE ALBERT HALL AND YOU SAID AT THE TIME THAT THE ALBUM WAS PRETTY MUCH DONE. HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING ON IT FOR A WHILE?

I started it, you got to bear with me here because it’s a really long tale. I started it on the night of The Brits where we won the Best Album in hundred years or whatever it was. Then, also on that night – it was a momentous night because my wife phoned me to tell me she was pregnant on the first night of me trying to record an album. So I kind of worked on it for a few weeks and them, I dunno, I seem to have taken a lot of time off. We got married and moved house and had another kid so that kind of took priority over everything. But it was nice not to work to a deadline – it’s the first time I’ve ever done that for as long as I can remember. But it’s been going on for the best part of eighteen months – well, both of them have, you know. It was long but then we were kind of moving countries, when I went to L.A and stuff like that and it was amazing that in a world of Twitter and all that caper we managed to keep it quiet until, you know, today – which is quite incredible. I mean it’s typical, we hadn’t mentioned anything for eighteen months and we walk into a studio in L.A and there’s an English band in the next studio and within fifteen minutes one of them decides that he’s gonna Tweep about it or whatever it is they do – and then the next thing my phone explodes and the cat was out of the bag. But they’ve been going on for a while. HOW DID YOU GO ABOUT RECRUITING THE OTHER MUSICIANS FOR THE RECORD? ARE THEY THE HIGH FLYING BIRDS?

Well high flying birds are six air hostesses – hence the name. One’s from Cathay Pacific, one’s from British Airways, obviously, you’ve got to keep your finger in so to speak – and they were just guys that just

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called up and asked to be honest. Two guys, the keyboard player and the drummer – the keyboard player Mike Rowe has played with Oasis on the Be Here Now tour. Jeremy who plays the drums, he played the drums on the album and he wasn’t doing anything so he offered his services. The bass player is Russell Pritchard, he used to be in The Zutons, who was last to come on board and he just called me up one afternoon and he said, ‘Have you got a bass player?’ and I said I haven’t and he said I’ll do it and that was that. And the guitarist, he’s a guy – is anyone aware of a band The Sand Band? You will be. No? Come on, you gotta get plugged in! well, a band from Liverpool called The Sand Band who had an album out I think maybe this year or last year and he’s playing the guitar and his name is Macca and he’s from Liverpool. Yeah, so, and then the guys who played on the other record is a completely different set of people and to be perfectly honest I’ve not got the faintest idea who half of them were because Amorphous Androgynous were getting the people in and I’d walk into the studio some days and there’s like people there that I’ve never met before and they were playing on my songs. It’s pretty mad but it all turned out good in the end. EMOTIONALLY WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAKING THIS ALBUM AND MAKING AN OASIS ALBUM? WERE YOU MORE CONFIDENT BECAUSE YOU’VE DONE IT SO MANY TIMES BEFORE OR WERE YOU MORE NERVOUS BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FIRST SOLO ALBUM?

I don’t get nervous me making records. You get nervous before gigs but it’s different because there was different musicians on it and it was all my songs and I was singing them so I didn’t have to explain to anybody how it went or what it was about or what the delivery should be or any of that. You know, the box of tea bags lasted longer. WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

45

FLYING SOLO! There was no fighting for the spare chair, I don’t know if you’ve been in the studio but there’s always a guy who’s sitting in a chair with a beard and long hair who twiddles the knobs and there’s always a spare chair – but there was no one fighting over that. There was debating about the psychedelic benefits of an electric kettle or a washboard, it was kind of let’s do it and see what it sounds like. But emotionally, I ain’t gonna have to deal with that until the first gig. I’ve been playing with Liam, Gem and Andy for over ten years, even when I’ve done solo things it was with Gem, so I guess I’m gonna miss Gem the most. But we’ll just see how it goes. I’m kind of hoping that people will just get the record and we’ll be able to pull it off so to speak. WHICH TRACK ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO PERFORMING LIVE?

Don’t know, My Old Man’s a Dustman. I don’t know yet. I’m not telling you because you’ve not heard it yet. Have you heard the titles of the songs? I guess ‘If I Had a Gun’ because it sounds great just playing it on acoustic guitar and there’s already a version of it on the internet somewhere of me doing it in a sound check a couple of years ago. But all of them really – I mean, we haven’t rehearsed them yet so I’d be amazed if initially of the ten tracks on an album all ten sound great. It doesn’t work like that – usually six and if you’re lucky eight. So we’ll see how it goes, you know. I’m dreading playing a track called ‘What a Life’ because it’s kind of, for want of a better term, it’s dance music, you know what I mean? And I’m forty-four. And I can’t dance! And there’s no guitar – well, there is guitars on it but I don’t know what I’m gonna do with that so I’m kind of nervous about that but I’m sure it’ll kind of all take shape in rehearsals and be alright. 46 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

‘Plum Throws Plum and Finishes Oasis’ To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

FLYING SOLO! HOW IMPORTANT FOR YOU IS IT THAT THE RECORD IS A COMMERCIAL SUCCESS AND ALSO, IF YOU WERE TO GO HEAD TO HEAD IN THE SINGLES CHART WITH BEADY EYE, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD FARE?

Commercial success I’ve got no control over that. It depends how much the kettle costs this afternoon to be honest. I’ve no control over that, I don’t know how many people are gonna buy it and how many people are gonna borrow it or rob it off the internet – I’ve no idea. It’s important in the sense that it kind of validates what you do. If six million people buy it you think wow, the point I was trying to get across, if such a thing exists, has obviously hit home somewhere. But other than that, commercial success is a weird thing isn’t it because it usually implies that it’s anything, do you know what I mean. If you sell eighteen million albums – and I’m gonna backtrack on that because we’ve sold a lot of records in the past – but do you know what I mean? in the singles charts I don’t know if Beady Eye are having singles out when I’m having singles out because they’ve been very careful to keep all that apart. We’ve got the same management you see. WE’VE HEARD LIAM TALK A LOT ABOUT THAT NIGHT IN PARIS AND OBVIOUSLY THE SPLIT CAME AFTER THAT, BUT WE’VE NOT REALLY HEARD YOUR SIDE OF THINGS. LOOKING BACK, NOW YOU’VE HAD TIME TO REFLECT, WHY DO YOU THINK YOU’D HAD ENOUGH OF OASIS?

Well, I’d never had enough of Oasis – I’d had enough of him. Our whole relationship was never as bad as people made out but we weren’t Milli Vanilli, you know what I mean? But it kind of all started to unravel, if I’m being honest, when he started his clothing label and he demanded that in the Oasis tour program that he’d be allowed to advertise it, which I was against because I didn’t think that it

was right for him to be flogging his gear to our fans. And there was a massive row about that and it kind of went back and forward for a bit as I remember it and in the end I said, ‘Alright, if you want to advertise in the program – how much?’ And he couldn’t get his head round that and I was like, well, if Electrolux kettles want to advertise kettles in the tour program they pay us money right – so how much are you gonna pay me? And he hit the roof and it totally went downhill from there. And the night in Paris, you know, he didn’t turn up to the V Festival gig because he had a hangover, you know. He claimed he had laryngitis but whatever. At that point there hadn’t been any physical violence but it’s a bit like WWF Wrestling and he was like the Macho Man Randy Savage, do you know what I mean? And I’ll never forget, there’s all this kind of toing-and-froing going on and I’m looking at Andy who’s sat there constantly counting how many shoes he’s got on, not saying a word and I was like f**king hell, you know what I mean? And he isn’t saying anything and Liam kind of does the ‘f**k you and f**k you’ and all that and he storms out of the dressing room. But on the way out – and I’m glad it never ended like this – on the way out he picked up a plum and he threw it across the dressing room and it smashed against the wall – a part of me wishes it kind of did end like that because that would’ve been a great headline – ‘Plum Throws Plum and Finishes Oasis’ you know what I mean. So then he goes out of the dressing room and, for whatever reason, he went to his own dressing room and came back with a guitar and he started wielding it like an axe. I make light of it because it’s kind of what I do, but it was kind of a really unnecessary violent act. He’s swinging this guitar around and

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he kind of, he nearly took my face off with it, you know, and it ended up on the floor and I put it out of its misery, you know. And there’s people sat who are in the band not saying anything, so I was like, you know what, I’m out of here. At that point the tour manager came in just went, ‘five minutes’. And I kinda walked out and I’ve got to apologise to Chas Smash from Madness here because as I was walking out he kind of came over and he was like, alright mate and I might have told him to f**k off – and I’m really sorry about that, it was kind of a stressful afternoon. I kinda got in the car and I sat there for five minutes and I just said stuff it, I can’t do it anymore. I regret it really because we only had two gigs left. If I had my time again I would’ve gone back and done the gig – that gig would’ve been dreadful because he was out of his mind. I’d have done that gig and the next gig and we’d have all gone away and we could have probably discussed it, what we were gonna do. We may never have split up, we may just have taken a hiatus and we could have all gone and done our other things. Liam always said he would bring down Armageddon and in the end that’s the way he kind of likes things to be, you know. There you go. I was comfortable in that band. I’d perfected that role of that guy who just stood on the right and played the lead guitar and sung backing vocals and sang the odd acoustic. I’d mastered that. It took me eighteen years to get that right and I was brilliant at it. At the end of the day he doesn’t like me – I don’t get on with him, but he kinda takes it to a level which, for me, there’s no point in being in a band with people that you fight with. What’s the point? Just go on and play bigger tours and make more money and then just always be arguing about sh*t. It’s just nonsense. So I kind of did everybody a favour. TURN TO READ ON…

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FLYING SOLO! HOW IMPORTANT IS THE FEEDBACK FROM FANS FOR YOUR NEW MATERIAL?

It’s weird with fans, innit? You only ever meet the ones who mither you with pens and bits of paper, so I don’t know. Like I said at the beginning I’m just assuming that fans of Oasis will like it because I was the main songwriter, I wrote every song in that band that mattered. So I’m assuming that they’ll like some aspect of it. There’s gonna be reviews that people say, oh well, if only Liam was singing them. Where in Beady Eye reviews it’s like, it’s great, but if only Noel was writing the songs and it’s like ok, we’ve been there haven’t we. So I don’t know. Is it important? It’s like the question the lady asked at the back, it’s kind of important because it validates what you do. I guess if I got out on stage and played the first song and nobody claps, then I’d be like f**k. But surely the wife will clap because it’s in the marriage contract – so I think it’ll be alright. CAN YOU TALK A BIT ABOUT YOUR PLANS FOR PLAYING LIVE?

Well, we’re gonna go out on tour the week after the album comes out, obviously. It’s gonna start off kind of small – small theatres and if it’s deemed good enough to get any bigger than that it’ll get bigger than that, but I don’t think there’ll be a huge, great big tour this year. We’ve got to do stuff around the rest of the world so I think this year as I understand it is a quick whizz, so to speak, around the world to kind of do the major cities and then probably there’ll be a bigger tour next year. YOU’VE GOT TWO NEW ALBUMS OF MATERIAL TO PLAY ON THAT TOUR, WILL YOU BE PLAYING ANY OASIS STUFF AS WELL?

I don’t think I’d be let out of a venue if I didn’t play the ones you would expect. The second album, that’s not gonna come out until – as I 48 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

understand it – next summer anyway and I stress again, it’s far out, man. I don’t really want to put the kids through it initially at the moment. Ten songs on that album last for forty-six minutes and twelve seconds – that aint long enough to charge people seventy five quid – not that I’m charging seventy five quid. So I’m going to play some Oasis songs and they’re my songs. I wrote them all by myself. I’m proud of them and I’m proud of what they mean to other people and I’m proud of where they sit with what we do now. You’ve really got to be on stage and see what the reaction is of crowds to Don’t Look Back in Anger and The Masterplan and stuff like that. Unfortunately those songs are like drugs to me and I don’t think I’d ever do a gig without playing them – that’d be crazy. It’d be like Paul McCartney playing the O2 and just doing Wings stuff wouldn’t it? That’d be great but – not that I’m putting myself up there with Paul McCartney or anything, or The Beatles. THERE’S A LOT RESTING ON THIS. DID YOU PUSH YOURSELF CREATIVELY, DID YOU GO DEEPER, IS IT JUST THE SAME SONGWRITING APPROACH?

The songs are not Oasis songs – whatever that means I don’t know. But it’s not stadium rock. There’s an electric kettle on there for crying out loud. And a double bass and a washboard and a set of wine glasses. And a saw. And that’s just all in one song. When I write a song I’m not thinking how it should be or how I should do something different from what I’ve done in the past. We’re all there to serve whatever the song is. The first track that you’re gonna hear, which could be one of four at the minute, I’ve got to say doesn’t sound like anything I’ve done before. But that’s not a conscious thing, it’s just the way the songs are

written. Some of these songs on the High Flying Birds album were demoted during the last Oasis sessions and I wasn’t planning on leaving then or anything like that, you know what I mean. So subconsciously I wasn’t thinking I was gonna do something different. But I’ve got to say the main difference is, as somebody pointed out to me a couple of days ago, there’s no guitar solos. There’s only a guitar solo on two tracks and one of them I didn’t play. You’ll like it but you’ll have to wait until you hear it. You’ll think it’s brilliant. BUT DID YOU FEEL YOU HAD SOMETHING TO PROVE?

No, no. I’m not being arrogant – I am a little bit – but you’ve only got to prove it to yourself because, no disrespect to anybody in this room, but if it comes out and journalists slate it, that doesn’t mean anything anymore with the internet. I don’t mean to demean your jobs or anything but everybody’s a journalist now, everybody’s a critic, everybody reviews albums. So it’s how it’s received by the people ultimately. I think they’ll like it or I wouldn’t be putting either of them out. WHAT WOULD YOUR REVIEW OF THE BEADY EYE ALBUM BE?

I’ll be honest, I haven’t heard it because I know most of the songs anyway because they’ve been going round for a few years being put up for Oasis albums. But I’ve read a few of the reviews and I’ve got to say it’s got better reviews than any of you gave an Oasis album for the last ten years. You can’t begin to imagine how annoying that is. I’ve heard what I’ve seen on the tele on Jools Holland and the Live from Abbey Road and I’ve heard a few things on the radio and I respect for the friends that I’ve still got in that band, like Gem and Sharrock, it’s alright innit!

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FLYING SOLO! HOW DO YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY ABOUT GETTING BACK OUT IN FRONT OF AUDIENCES AND PEOPLE AND THE PUBLIC EYE AND THE SCRUTINY OF STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN?

Emotionally and the level of fame that I’ve got – I enjoy it thoroughly, I‘ve got to say. Not in the sense that I’m running around at film premieres every Saturday but you might as well enjoy it because there’s no point in worrying about it or worrying about people watching you buy underpants in Selfridges. I mean, it’s annoying. You can’t begin to imagine how self conscious you become when you’re buying underpants when big fat dudes are watching you in Ocean Colour Scene t-shirts. It’s weird, right. But I’ve got to buy underpants at the end of the day because you can’t send the wife out. THERE’S A SONG ON THE ALBUM CALLED ‘THE DEATH OF YOU AND ME’ - ARE WE TO ASSUME THAT’S ABOUT YOU ANd LIAM?

You know the saying ‘if we don’t leave this place it’ll be the death of you and me’ – it’s a bit more romantic than that. The wife said that when I played it to her. She was like, ‘The Death of You and Me?’ I said it was about us you see. She’s like, ‘What the f**k are you going on about?’ I had to explain it to her, it’s like a romantic song about people escaping their surroundings and running off and having a jolly good time and living happily ever after. But no, it’s not about Liam. You can say it’s about me and Liam if you want. I’m sure I’m not gonna stop you. It would have been called ‘The Death of Me and the Singer From Beady Eye’ anyway if it was about him, wouldn’t it. But no, it’s not about me and Liam. It’s about me and this I believe. Are we done? Thank you.

Noel Gallagher High Flying Birds is OUT NOW! To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine email us at: hello@mayhemmagazine.co.uk

WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

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WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

CHEERS!

FESTIVE

DRINKS

FROM AROUND THE WORLD

-FU¤T GBDF JU UIF DIPJDF PG BMDPIPMJD CFWFSBHFT BU NPTU QBSUJFT $ISJTUNBT PS PUIFSXJTF JT GBJSMZ EVMM Â&#x; JOGBDU ZPV¤MM HVFTT XIBU¤T PO PGGFS CFGPSF ZPV FWFO HFU UIFSF USA – EGG NOG 5IF LJUDIFO TJOL XJMM CF GVMM PG A very sweet dairy CPUUMFT PG MBHFS JG ZPVS IPTU IBT based beverage that B TPQIJTUJDBUFE TUSFBL XJUI JDF is traditionally made JODMVEFE BT XFMM BT POF CPUUMF PG with milk/cream, sugar, beaten eggs +BDL %BOJFMT Â&#x; RVJFUMZ QVSMPJOFE (which help give it a GSPN TPNFPOF XIP JT OPX TUVDL JO B distinctive frothy texture) DPSOFS TPNFXIFSF DSBEMJOH JU DMPTF and a liquor – usually brandy or rum. BT UIFZ RVJFUMZ XFFQ 4PNFXIFSF PO The finished result is usually accompanied by a sprinkling of ground cinnamon or nutmeg, UIF LJUDIFO UBCMF XJMM CF B QVODI probably to give the drinker – or the drinkers companion CPXM PWFSÂŤPXJOH XJUI GBJOUMZ – the impression that he or she is drinking something fairly harmless. In reality, it can really kick ass and is not to be taken TUJDLZ MJRVJE BT XFMM BT BTTPSUFE especially as it’s easy to drink in large quantities without CJUT PG PSBOHF BQQMF BOE TPNFUIJOH lightly, really noticing the results! QVSQMF BOE VOLOPXO 5IFSF NJHIU PG DPVSTF CF B CPUUMF PG XJOF TPNFXIFSF CVU ZPV KVTU TBX UIBU EJTBQQFBS JOUP UIF CBUISPPN BOE ZPV¤E SBUIFS OPU HP JO UIFSF Pretty poor show I’m sure you’ll agree. We’ve all been to that party. We might even have squabbled over that half empty bottle of warm lager. But all is not lost. With a little imagination – you can have a party that everyone talks about for all the right reasons, those reasons being the vast array of drinks you had available from all corners of the world. So, pour yourself a Romanian beer and curl up with Mayhem! as we check out five of the best. 52 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

BRAZIL – CAIPIRINHA

The national cocktail of Brazil – and they know how to party! This is a mixture of lime juice and cachaça, a rum liquor made from fermented sugarcane. It’s fairly expensive but attainable, and certainly worth it to try this little delight of a drink. Just put four–six lime wedges into a glass, sprinkle with sugar, then crush the mix. Put all that into a glass, add some crushed ice and, finally, pour in the cachaça – and enjoy! To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

CHEERS!

ENGLAND – PUNCH

MAYHEM FACT: ! Beer fo

am will go down by li cking you r finger the n sticking it in the be er.

Punches, of course have their varieties all over the world, but the traditional English type is perhaps the ‘classic’ one to offer at a party. This one uses wine, cider, sloe gin or a liqueur as its base with a generous helping of fruit juice (preferable) or soft drinks to tone it down and provide some flavour. One well known variety is called the Pimms Cup – using Pimms No.1 and lemonade at a ratio of 1:2, a squeeze of lemon and some orange, lemon and apple slices and a couple of cucumber slices. And be warned: if you think Pimms is a drink for part-timers and party poopers, see what the view of the ceiling is like after you’ve had a few glasses!

MEXICO – MICHELADA

Perhaps served best as an après-party drink as this little beauty is considered a good remedy for hangovers! It’s made with beer, lime juice, tomato juice and assorted peppers, sauces and, as is the Mexican way, spices galore! You can even add a pepper or some chilli sauce for an exquisitely tasting but possibly explosive taste combination, the idea that it’s a good hangover cure presumably coming from the fact you might be far too concerned about your stomach to be thinking about your head!

ITALY – BELLINI

This is a hugely refreshing peach and sparkling wine cocktail that was first served in Venice in the middle of the last century. Traditionally, you do need white peaches to make the definitive Bellini, but if you can only get normal ones down the market, they’ll do. Puree the peaches in a blender and strain through a sieve – get about a cups worth. Add that to a pitcher and pour in some chilled sparkling wine. Enjoy!

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WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

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MYTHS AND LEGENDS REVEALED!

Mayh em! felt there was a need for some of these traditions to be opene d and explored so you can bore people to death while you feast upon your eleve nth mince pie of the morning...

CHRISTMAS TREES The tradition of decorating fir trees (chosen as they were alive, green, and vibrant in mid-winter) began in 16th Century Germany. They were decorated with candles, roses, coloured paper and apples, all meant to symbolise the tree that features in Paradise, aka The Garden of Eden. This became a popular tradition in the UK in 1841 when Prince Albert brought one over from his homeland to Windsor Castle. He and Queen Victoria were pictured standing by it and, very swiftly, having a Christmas tree became popular in Britain and throughout the rest of the world.

ST NICHOLAS (AKA FATHER CHRISTMAS)

WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

Christmas is much more than a time of peace and goodwill to all men. It’s also a time of year crammed full of traditions, many of which pre-date the peace loving hippy whom the current festival revolves around. Some of those traditions are fairly straight forward – for example, we give presents as a symbol of the three Wise Men bringing their gifts to Jesus, so what hell is it with the fat guy who lives in Lapland and gets about in a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer? 54 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

The original St Nicholas was a 4th Century saint and Greek Bishop. Throughout his life he was linked to many miraculous happenings and good fortune, including, of course, the anonymous gift of the gold coins to the three impoverished women mentioned above. His reputation as a bringer of good fortune and gifts grew until such times as the more modern ‘model’ of St Nicholas, characterised by his flowing red cape and white beard became the model for the present day Father Christmas. The story that links our modern day Father Christmas, clad in red and white suit and trousers with the heavy commercial influence of Coca Cola is a bit of an urban myth, with the company adapting his then image, rather than creating it for their own ends in an 1930‘s advertising campaign. To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

MYTHS AND LEGENDS REVEALED!

MISTLETOE

IN FF G D IN A O SE BRTHIS % CHA 10 R R R PU FOYOU

We can thank Nordic warriors for the tradition of kissing under the mistletoe. If a man and his mortal enemy were to meet, by chance, in woodland, their traditions dictated that they laid down their arms and declared a truce until the following day. This gesture of peace – if not quite one of love – led to the modern day act of declaring affection for a loved one by kissing under the mistletoe, a prominent plant atop the leafy Norwegian canopies. There is also the story of the Norse Goddess Frigga who was deceived into thinking mistletoe, shaped into a weapon, was responsible for the death of Baldur, her son. When her co-gods restored Baldur back to life, Frigga declared that mistletoe, far from being condemned, should be held as a sacred plant and one which should reflect love and light, rather than death.

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LEAVING OUT STOCKINGS This tradition grew from the legend of a nobleman who squandered his fortune, leaving his three daughters facing a life of destitution and, in all likelihood, even worse-titutions in their future. Luckily for them, kindly old St Nicholas anonymously threw three bags of gold down the chimney where they were caught in their stockings, left out to dry near the fire.

CHRISTMAS CARDS The custom of sending Christmas cards originated in the UK in 1843, all thanks to the efforts of a Sir Henry Cole. Cole was a civil servant who was curious in the new public Post Office and how it might be more utilised by ‘ordinary’ people. With the help of a friend, he designed a card that people could send each other at Christmas, having identified it as the time of year when most people would want to be able to contact and pass on their best wishes to distant friends and family. The growth of the railways in the UK at this time meant that postage costs were minimal (a penny) therefore making it a cheap and ultimately hugely popular seasonal pursuit that has continued to this day, when, due to the growth and popularity of social media and email, a tradition which would appear to have reached its peak and which may now be in decline. Which is sad.

07887 973 014

WRITTEN BY CHRIS MORLEY

TOP OF THE POPS...

GI’S A KISS

As hard as it may seem to believe, there once was a time when people got vaguely excited about the Christmas-time pop charts. An age before Simon Cowell was able to propel his latest ‘X-Factor’ puppet into the festive top spot, when some of the songs were just as naff as that jumper your gran spent ages slaving over – but nobody cared, thanks possibly to a little too much mulled wine with a festive dinner so fattening that it should carry a health warning.

4P GPS UIPTF XIP LOPX OPU UIF KPZT PG UIF ÂŁ 5PQ 0G 5IF 1PQT¤ GFTUJWF TQFDJBM BMMPX NF UP QSFTFOU NZ PXO GFTUJWF ÂŁ NJY UBQF¤ PG TPSUT TQSFBE UISPVHIPVU UIF TFBTPO 8F CFHJO XJUI B CJU PG B HVJMUZ QMFBTVSF UIF BVEJP FRVJWBMFOU PG QIPUPDPQZJOH ZPVS BSTF BU UIF PGÂŞDF $ISJTUNBT QBSUZ QFSIBQT˜

IT’S CHRIIISTMAAS! For me personally, you know the festive season is in full swing the first time you hear Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’. It’s glam-rock’s answer to Coca Cola’s ‘Holidays Are Coming’ television adverts, soundtracking the season since 1973 – Noddy Holder looking like a dishevelled department store Santa let loose in the dressingup cupboard, doing his best to cheer up a country in economic dire straits‌ sound familiar? 56 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

Now you have only one option. If you’re with, or expecting to be joined by, that special someone this holiday, or if now is the time to make your move on a potential partner as the perfect gift to yourself, there can surely only be one choice. Naff, maybe. On second thoughts, certainly. But ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, just might carry favour with the lucky man or woman you grab for some quality time under the mistletoe. Just make sure it’s not your gran after she’s been at the cooking sherry.

SPECIAL ONE

ALL TOGETHER NOW Then as things get into full swing, sentiment gets the better of you. You reach for the compilation CD and what should greet you when you press play? Something like ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day’, most likely. Narrowly beaten to the coveted top spot by the aforementioned Slade, Wizzard arguably hit the jackpot – zany costumes, a tune you can hum, and a children’s choir section – something for all the family, you could say.

If you’ve been unlucky enough to find yourself at the other extreme of love’s North Pole, ‘Last Christmas’ could be just the release you need. Again, naff, but it might just do the job. After all, you gave that callous ‘special one’ of yours your heart, and the very next day, they gave it away! How could they? Just take Uncle George (Michael)’s advice, and give it to someone special instead. There, doesn’t that feel so much better?

UNTIL NEXT TIME After everyone else has left you to your own devices, it may be time to give thanks that World War Three hasn’t/threatened to/did, (with a peaceful resolution of course) break out in your living room. What better way to do so then with a quick blast of ‘Happy Christmas ( War Is Over)’? You might finally get some time to ponder what just happened.

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Portraiture doesn’t have to be stiff and boring!

„ „ 777 4)$"5290(/4/'2!0(9 #/-

WRITTEN BY FELICITY PATRICK

HMN, TASTY!

E V I T S FE

What better way to celebrate over this festive season than with a few taste bud tingling treats! £14 .99 £10.99

CHOCOLATE TWISTER JELLY BELLY BAUBLES It’s guaranteed that some bright spark will pull out the board games this Christmas! However this board game comes with a twist, a chocolate twist! The Chocolate Twister format follows the traditional board game’s rules, with the major difference being that players are allowed to eat the chocolate pieces as prizes! www.justforgiftsshop.co.uk

REINDEER PATE

£15.00

Fed up of the same old Christmas Tree chocolates… well fret no further! Grab yourself a set of four dangly Christmas decorations filled with a random assortment of beans from Jelly Belly’s 50 classic flavours! www.firebox.com

£24.99

EDIBLE BLING SPRAY Heston Blumenthal eat your heart out! We love this edible food colouring spray that will coat any food you fancy with a layer of gleaming shininess! We’re talking gold turkey and silver pigs in blankets!

Father Christmas has just purchased a brand new motorised sled…so Rudolph and his friends were no longer required. Don’t feel bad though, reindeer meat has one of the lowest fat contents of any red meats – a mere 2%! Thanks Donna, Prancer and co!

www.amazon.co.uk

www.edible.com

MINCE PIE POPCORN Stuffed on turkey… you’ll be sure to OD on this delicious brandy-infused mince pie with a hint of almond flavoured popcorn. The perfect accompaniment to your favourite crimbo flick. www.joeandsephs.co.uk

58 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

£4 .00 To advertise in Mayhem! Magazine call us on: 023 9229 4408

7", -Ê* ,/9ÊUÊ- "** ÊUÊ , -/ -Ê "

ANYTHING

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WIT H T HIS ADV ERT

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HIRE A SELF DRIVE MINIBUS! Save lots of money on taxis!

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Anything Goes is the charity shop for Bivol Trust, which provides art, dressmaking and social groups for young people with learning disabilities in Portsmouth, Fareham and Gosport. Come to us for an excellent range of affordable vintage clothing! If you are looking for special outfits from the 1940’s or 1950’s or just funky dresses, tops, skirts, jeans, bags or accessories from the 1960’s, 70’s or 80’s, come and have a look! See also our special range of rare and sought after Edwardian and 1930’s dresses – ideal for weddings and a fraction of the usual cost! We also sell vinyls, vintage books and bric-a-brac. Visitors to our shop are amazed at our low prices and will come back time and again, so why not join them? You will come away with a bargain and you will be helping young disabled people too!!

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97 Elm Grove, Southsea PO2 1LH

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BRING ME SOME FIGGY PUDDING!

CHRISTMAS

DINNER GE T D U B A ON

WRITTEN BY GABRIELLA CRAWLEY-MOORE

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THE DESSERT THE BUDGET Firstly, set a budget by working out how many people are going to be there, so you don’t end up over-spending. A price per head can be worked out if you plan on making this an all round effort, but make sure you get the cash up front so the others don’t stitch you up. Also, make sure you get something for everyone’s dietary requirements, as you don’t want to be left eating nothing but sprouts because no one got the nut roast. 60 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

THE BIRD Who needs a turkey? They always end up dry, you’ll probably have one at home over the holidays and most turkeys are overpriced around this time of year. They also take forever to cook, so why not just grab a cheap chicken? They are basically the same thing anyway, can be a good budget alternative and they are surprisingly easy to cook. If no one’s brave enough to give it a try then there’s always a turkey and stuffing pizza to be found this time if year!

Ok, after that meal you’ll probably fancy something sweet. Don’t be tempted by Christmas puddings which are wrapped up beautifully – the quality is probably very similar to the budget ones you can get and you’ll end up paying extra just for the nice packaging. Christmas pudding is not everyone’s cup of tea anyway, so it’s a good idea to look at an alternative like a chocolate pudding which can be picked up relatively cheaply and is still extremely tasty. Either that or you can get a tin of Quality Streets like everyone else.

THE BOOZE So we’ve covered most of the basics but we’re missing a vital ingredient to any Christmas dinner – alcohol. By going to a discount supermarket you can pick up a good bottle of red or white for a good price. If your party favours beer in place of wine be on the lookout for what’s on offer in the beer isle. You could always do this part first – if you get people drunk enough, they won’t care what the dinner tastes like anyway!

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BAD

ENS- LAKE WRIT TEN BY EDWARD COUZ

SO BAD, IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

C H R I ST M A S

P R E SE N T S !

An d no , w e don ’t m ean so bad t hat t h ey’ re g oo d. T h e se pot e n tial gif t s have no re de eming feat ure s at all , in de e d, rece iving on e o f t h e se it em s on t h e big day is g oing to be abou t as app ealin g as a dose of Sma llpox . In a n ycase , t h ere ’s a cu re for Sma llpox – so lucky yo u, t h ere ’s li t tle hop e of on e for an yon e w ho t hin k s som e of t h e followin g it em s are som e t hing you ’d w e lco m e in to your life ! M ayh em! revie w s som e o f t h e w or st of t h e ve ry worst...

CH RISTMAS JUM PERS

much loved relatives – We’ve all had one. Mostly given by elderly and a little impractical as the them burn y diatel which makes wanting to imme ‘putting your lovely new mean will Nan see to over post-turkey idea to walk pictures – reindeer, puppies, a jumper on’. Horrors. Garish colou rs, patter ns, scared as you’ll be of running but, jolly Santa even? Shudder!!! Not only that, ie jackets), you’ll be even more romb Aberc new into your mates (who’ve all got , lest the cheap and nasty fibres flame open an to near too frightened of walking inexorably fuse to your skin. that make up the hideous garment melt and

62 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

‘CELEBRITY’ BIOGRAPHIES Christmas is regularly polluted by swarms of books claiming to be the ‘real life tale’ of some Z-list celebrity who has attained fame for falling over on a red carpet somewhere, else released some awful single that only sold 131 copies (enough to get it to Number 1 never the less) and, on the back of that, has seen all of their nineteen years on planet earth ghosted into a 300 plus page monolith of a book that will soon be packing the shelves at charity shops so densely that the ground underneath starts to subside. What the flick has Katie Price done to merit four – and she’s about to start her fifth! – autobiographies? Let’s face it, she’s 33 and has made a lucrative living out of being pointless, not only that, but she’s duped your mate into buying you her book. An eight inch wide tome about all the eight inch long ones she’s known.

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SO BAD, IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!

NOVE LT

Y ITE M S

You don’t smoke. N ever have why you . Which is r mate Da v e has bou an ashtra g ht you y shaped like a gun hate footb . You also all. Loath e it, pointl played by ess game idiots and written a bores. Ev bout by eryone k nows you kiting and ’r e into alternativ e cinema is why yo – which u asked fo r the With and I Blu-r nail ay. But yo u got the so emblazo ck s ned with Chelsea fo instead. M o tb allers arvellous. You’re so people re glad ally make the effort who you to know are and w hat you li ke...

NASTY TOILETRIES Who hasn’t opened one of their bigger presents one year only to recoil at the veritable urn of cologne or perfume that is revealed. As you swallow and try not to be sick, the giver says “I knew you’d like it, three for £2 down the market – I know you like your trendy labels”. And so you do, as there is just the slightest chance that Aramis or Obsession Barbie’s full name is not only smell vaguely Barbara Millicent pleasant but won’t scorch Roberts. off the top layer of your skin. Plenty have been taken in by rogue traders selling industrial sized bottles with names like Calvan Kleen, Duune and Eturnitty and you’ve just become the latest unfortunate beneficiary. Be brave – maybe you can use it as paint stripper.

MAYHEM! FACT:

CENSORE

D

ADULT GI FTS TH E WRONG MUSIC

You’re you ng. You’re cool. You’re trendy. You go to secret gigs that are held in pub cellars and hang out wit h the roadies. You’ve gon e wit hout sleep for 56 hou rs at Glastonbur y and are on nodding terms wit h Mister Joe Black. You are where it’s at. Congratulat ions. Wh ich ma kes it all the more galling when someone who isn’t just not ‘wit h it’, they’ve never had it and wou ldn’t know where to find it in the first place, if, indeed, they knew what it was , buys you a Jus tin Bieber CD for Chr istmas, tell ing you “I know he’s popular with all you youngsters , the man at the record shop told me”.

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mates might Never-ever open a gift that t of you r fron in you for ght have bou the le, fam ily. Ima gine, for exa mp as you ails ass t feeling of hor ror tha , the see to ld wor the all for you hold up, Em ma te ma t bes r you bit Rab t Rampan do you say bou ght you. What the hell what it is? you s ask when Auntie Dor is ut abo how – n atio gin Use you r ima er”? hold t cele bra and g “rin a it’s say ing y awa got e Phew, you might just hav ask sn’t doe tie wit h it. Pray that Aun t you’re to hold it and swear blind tha next you n whe ma Em kill to going also ht see her. Mind you, you mig e earlier take you rself off to bed a littl Em ma e hop let’s – t ugh tha n you tho teries! bat the ude incl to ed ber remem

WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

63

BAH HUMBUG!

GETTING BACK THAT

CHRISTMAS

MAGIC Being an adult is rubbish. When you’re young and full of joie de vivre, you don’t have to do boring things like work. You don’t have to worry about smelly armpits or making sure you have tampons in your bag. When you’re young, Christmas is the most exciting time of the year, but all too soon Santa starts looking like an fat alcoholic in cheap, red velour. Bring back the Chrimbo spirit with our essential guide for all things Christmassy… WRITTEN BY CARL ROBINSON

SING, LISTEN ‘N’ LAUGH

SMELL, SCENT ITCH, ‘N’ STENCH SCRATCH ‘N’ IRRITATE There are a myriad of different products on the market promising the ‘whiff of Christmas’. As a basic rule of thumb, you should combine pine, cinnamon, cloves, apple and gin (the aroma of tipsy grannies). Avoid anything that purveys the perfume of ice because ice doesn’t smell and it’s stupid. 64 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

Christmas isn’t meant to be comfortable. Surely you remember being thrown into the chaffing embrace of a warm, woolly cardy on Christmas morning? Anything with some kind of festive insignia should be enthusiastically adopted as you sweat and swelter into a pool of perspiration.

Carolling (not to be confused with the ‘art’ of pulling girls named Carol) is the mainstay of invoking that Christmas vibe. It may seem old hat, but surely you remember reworking the words to ‘Away in a Manger’ to comic effect? While you’re at it, you should definitely hop onto YouTube and revisit some of the Christmas pop acts from yesteryear. Nothing shouts ‘It’s Christmaaaas’ like Noddy Holder, and nothing embodies Xmas camp quite like George Michael’s hair.

EAT, DRINK ‘N’ BE MERRY If you’re on a diet, give up now. There are far too many delectations around to continue with the size zero dream. As a child, you could comfortably gorge on enough chocolate to sink Belgium, and the mince pies will not eat themselves thank you very much. Also, don’t forget the all-important fragrance of varying kinds of roasting meats (see smell, scent ‘n’ stench). If you do imbibe en honneur of yuletide festivities, go easy on the eggnog/snowballs or you’ll be burping custard for a week.

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BAH HUMBUG!

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DRAMA, TANTRUMS ‘N’ TEARS Christmas should be fantastically dramatic with at least one person ruining it for everyone else. You can guarantee Christmas without a hitch won’t be Christmas at all, so you’re best off saving everyone the hassle and kick it all off yourself. Maybe for the first time in your life, you’ll be able to tell Granny that her ill-considered gift of poesies and new knickers doesn’t quite cut the mustard. Stomp off to your room and listen out for the audible sound of your relatives shaking their head in unison.

CHANNEL, PRETEND ‘N’ IMAGINE Just because you’re not a child anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in all the fun. Channel your inner child and leave gifts out for Father Christmas and the reindeer; you might feel like a twit but it’s guaranteed to take you back. It is also strongly recommended that you head down to the Christmas tree upon the very stroke of midnight to shake every present and tear off corners of wrapping to sate your curiosity.

DECK THE HALLS!

! . Yay to n i a c e ag s t ening as musi . r a we wo t li s tm here to s tar s y Chri rol or t e a Time hat che e odd c h t all inging t s an d W R IT

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Well, you may as well join CHRISTMAS in now; the shops have all CRACKERS HOLLY WREATHES History suggests that the Christmas These probably originate from a been playing them since cracker is of British origin, dating back time that pre-dates Christianity with September. So get on, get to the 1840’s when Londoner Thomas evidence of Germanic peoples using J Smith created the cracker shape to wreathe shapes with lit candles to merry, and get decking hold his brand of sweets. Initial sales keep warm during the bleak days of your halls with boughs were disappointing so Smith decided Winter. Further North, in Scandinavia, to add little extras to the package, lit candles were placed around a of holly – and lots more starting off with the little motto ‘wheel’ of evergreen vegetation (the besides that, safe in the (imitating, in doing so, the Chinese first signs of Volvo’s ingenuity) with fortune cookie) and replacing the prayers offered to turn the wheel of knowledge that your very sweet with a little gift. He was minded light around and thus closer to Spring. own Mayhem! has got to add the ‘bang’ element after By the middle-ages, Christians, well hearing a log crackle in his open fire. versed in nicking everybody else’s out there and found out To add the gift and the ‘banger’, he ideas and claiming them as their own, had to make the cracker slightly had adapted the wreathe as their exactly what the origins bigger, with the whole concept swiftly symbol of Advent. Most people of some of our traditional catching on and being imitated by however, still used to them so they could see where they were going. Christmas decorations are. other individuals and companies. 66 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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DESK THE HALLS!

CHRISTMAS PUDDING Yep, it decorates the Christmas table every year – but, much like sprouts (a Christmas ‘tradition’ only in that they are in season at that time of the year) how many people actually like Christmas pudding? Fact is, it’s appearance is all down to those pesky Christians again – and they can lay claim to this one! Back in merry olde England, the Roman Catholic Church decreed that a “…pudding should be made on the twenty fifth Sunday after Trinity, and that it be prepared with thirteen ingredients to represent Christ and the twelve Apostles”. But that wasn’t it – they also insisted (and you pretty much did as you were told by the Church at that time, upon pain of a fiery fate) that each family member “...stir it in turn from east to west to honour the Magi and the journey that they took”. Recipes for the more traditional Christmas puddings began to appear in the 17th Century, these, fortunately, could be eaten for enjoyment with no hidden meaning involved, however, those basic ingredients remained which probably explains why they remain so deeply unpalatable and, for most people, a Christmas habit rather than something imbibed for enjoyment!

MINCE PIES An altogether more palatable decoration of the Christmas table, these little beauties can trace their origins back to the time of the Crusades when Knights of old would return from the Middle East with, as yet, unseen and unknown meats, fruits and spices. These ingredients were added, by the curious, to pies which were a popular food type at the time. Needless to say, the popularity of the pie amongst the masses did not go down at all well with some of the more traditional religious types, with Quakers condemning the unfortunate snack as “...an invention of the Scarlet whore of Babylon, a hodgepodge of superstition, Popery, the Devil and all his works”. Despite this – or, more likely, because of it, the mince pie became more and more popular and, with the prime ingredient now a mixture of dried fruits, it has no religious connotations what-soever, although its connections to post-Christmas torpor and weight gain are extremely well known!

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TINSEL Ukrainian legend tells of the spider who wove a magic web across the branches of a poor widows Christmas tree, strands that, with the first light of the Christmas morn, turned into pure silver and gold, swiftly rendering the poor window wealthy and extremely eligible. To mimic the appearance of the magical web, people began to drape brightly coloured pieces of material across their own Christmas trees, no doubt hoping that their own luck would change. One would suggest that, the only people that have made any money out of this particular Christmas decoration are the manufactuers of the tinsel themselves. WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

67

MEET YOU IN THE COPY ROOM!

HOW TO PULL AT YOUR WORK

CHRISTMAS

PARTY WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

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DON’T GET PLASTERED ...however, it’s a different game and a different challenge to actually have the verve, vim and vigour to notch one up at the party itself. Think of the kudos and how much more palatable the whole evening might become if you have even the slightest chance of doing just that. So, if the tall guy in marketing is in your sights, else team leader in sales and the thought of undoing her hair and letting it fall loose around her bare white shoulders that’s making you stay... let Mayhem! suggest a few ways of helping make some of those Christmas wishes come true... 68 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

Well duh! But a rookie mistake for many. Yes, a few more beers than usual may well make you the funniest, most entertaining and interesting person on the planet with a Sinatra-like voice on the karaoke. But it’s also a sure fire way of ensuring that you won’t be getting any sort of early Christmas present if the one signal you’re giving off to everyone is “I’m drunk!� Pace yourself and quit the booze once you feel you’re at a point where you can be witty, confident and even suave – but still be in control, and at the point where you would have no qualms about Chris or Carol (hey, even both!) from Accounts catching you checking them out.

CHOOSE YOUR TARGET Chances are that there’s always been someone in the Office who you’ve had a bit of a secret crush on. If so, great, read on. There’s nothing more for you here. If not – well, pick someone at random who would never have dreamt you even knew they existed, much less had a thing for them. That element of surprise, the “what, me?� factor will pique their interest – at least. The rest is up to you. If it’s game on, you’ll both know soon enough. And the thrill of the unknown will only add to the potential and the growing excitement...

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MEET YOU IN THE COPY ROOM!

M MAYHE : FACeT ople

!

MAKE IT QUICK!

10% of p to flirting admitted os s with the b

PICK YOUR PLACE

CLOSE THE DEAL I’m glad things seem to be going well for you. But don’t you think that it now might be a good idea to start thinking making a discreet exit? You both seem to be at the stage where you really couldn’t get any closer or touch each other anywhere else, at least in public, without raising eyebrows as much as anything else.

Spontaneity is great for making things super heated and sexy, but it can also get you busted if you haven’t put a little thought into where the evenings proceedings might reach their noisy climax! So put the stampeding libido on hold for a few moments and choose your location with care. If it’s a room that can be locked from the inside – brilliant, see you later. On the other hand, if it’s the bathroom, well, come on – not the cubicles, eh? But a waist high counter might be rather fun, especially if there’s a mirror in front of it! And, as far as polishing the boardroom table is concerned – stay away, unless, that is, you are the boss, are with the boss, or you don’t give a flying thingy about getting fired in the morning.

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Yes guys, it can last for two minutes and, this time, it really doesn’t matter! Remember, you’ve only got a few minutes anyway until people start to notice you’re not around and start to put two and two together about the two of you putting yourselves together. Shirts, skirts, shoes and bras take time to take off and longer to put back on again – so keep them on and just remove or loosen the necessaries, remember, for both of you, this is scoring, not making love.

MAKE YOUR RE-ENTRY Nothing but nothing announces a party hook up than two people wandering back into the room together after a brief absence, looking a tad flushed, dishevelled and without their drinks. It looks a lot less suspicious if the girl goes back first and the guy shows up later, and from a different direction. Then just continue where you left off – and you never know, you might find that your office score leads to bigger and better things! WINTER 2011/12 | MAYHEM!

69

WRITTEN BY MIA HABENS

OOOH THANKS, JUST WHAT I WANTED!

SECRET SANTA

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STICK TO THE BUDGET MIX IT UP There’s a reason you all agreed to fix the price limit to five quit. Namely because you’re all completely skint. Just because you love to give, doesn’t mean you should go crazy. If everyone else is giving a crappy generic present then so should you. You may think you’re just being generous but no-one will thank you for it – you’ll just come across like a guilt-inducing party pooper. On the same note, however, make sure you also reach the limit – scrooge!

TRADING PLACES If you fancy someone in your Secret Santa Circle, that’s no reason to ask someone to trade – you could get them something anyway to let your feeling known. The whole point of secret santa is to extend some goodwill to people you wouldn’t normally think of. That, unfortunately includes the ugly girls and creepy boys, but who knows – you may just uncover your new BFF or undiscovered hottie in the process. A little bit of research can also go a long way and make your gift look genuinely thoughtful.

If you just can’t bear the idea of buying a present for someone you don’t really know and are never likely to talk to you again, then why not suggest an alternative? A thieving secret santa allows you to buy a completely generic present at an amount set by the group. You all put your presents in the middle of a table and you all pick a number out of a hat. Number 1 gets first choice at a gift, then number 2 can decide if they want to choose a gift from the table or steal number 1’s! If they steal, then 1 gets to pick again and so on. It’s hilarious fun to stitch people up and a real conversation starter, so check out the rule online now!

NO SEXY GIFTS This can backfire big-style – especially if they’re opening your gift in front of a crowd. Worst case scenarios are A) they didn’t know you liked them in that way and they don’t reciprocate your feelings or B) you meant it as a joke and now they are going to spend all night trying to get a kiss under the mistletoe – which they are wearing in their belt. Guys will interpret sexy gifts as a come on and girls will think you’re sleazy or inappropriate – so steer clear. If in doubt, buy something funny‌ 70 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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GIVE SOMETHING BACK

Would you like to spend 3 months volunteering in Africa? If yes, then this could be for you! Portsmouth Football Club, Community Fusion, Coaching For Hope and Jobsite have teamed up to offer 18–22 year olds an exciting and unique opportunity. A group of up to 12 young people will have the chance to visit Africa where they will be providing skills and support to youngsters to help them play team sports, (including football) and face up to the many challenges of growing up in communities plagued with poverty and hardship. Volunteers will be able to work on projects that will make a genuine difference to the lives of some of the World’s poorest people. The first 12 weeks will be based at Fratton Park and will consist of weekly sessions to prepare participants for the experience. Beyond Blue will help improve employment opportunities and prepare futures. Along with other experiences the programme will include: q 5FBN #VJMEJOH q 0SHBOJTBUJPOBM 4LJMMT q &WFOU 1MBOOJOH q '" -FWFM 'PPUCBMM Coaching Qualification q $IJME 1SPUFDUJPO Qualification

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Those that successfully complete the Portsmouth based programme will have the opportunity to travel to Africa with Coaching For Hope for a fully funded volunteer project. The projects will help develop sports skills and improve lives for young people and their communities. Beyond Blue will enable you to develop skills in team work, problem solving, decision making and enable you to experience and be a part of a different culture both at home and aboard.

Due to start on 11th January 2012 For further details please email: claremartin@pompeyfc.co.uk or jenna@community-fusion.org. Sessions are planned to run

Wednesdays 3–6pm. FA Level 1 due to run throughout February half term (13th –17th). Volunteer projects may run longer on the Wednesdays.

10% service charge will be added to bills

OPEN 7 DAYS 12pm-2pm, 6pm-Late. 13/14 Hilsea Market, London Road, Portsmouth. PO2 9RA 023 9269 5542

www.pizzahouserestaurant.com

THIS YEAR I WILL… M A Y H E M !

M A G A Z I N E

P R E S E N T S

CAN’T FAIL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS WRITTEN BY EDWARD COUZENS-LAKE

en dless year. You’re Year af ter year af ter oking . Go on a diet. always doing it. Quit sm a bla bla. But you Swim with dolphins. Bl r caring mag, want s to never do . Mayhem! , you . r you this time around make things easier fo ... ybe r you ma This is for you, what eve

DIETERS?

LEARNERS?

Easy! Partake in your local DIY stores first sale of the year and purchase some duct tape. Pull off a strip of the tape. Cover mouth. Voila! And let me tell you, have you ever tried peeling duct tape off? Put it this way, you’ll pass on the profiteroles before you rip that baby off.

So, you’re finally off to the gym? Oh right, just after you’ve finished another session of COD 15. Fair do’s. But look, here’s something you might not be able to resist. How about a sexy seminar with your nearest and dearest? Ladies – learn how to please the man in your life even more! And gents, learn how you can actually (yes, she probably is faking it) start to please your lady friend in the first place.

SLACKERS?

Yes, we know. This is the year that will see you finally make something of yourself. Like it was eight years ago and will be next year. Now, listen. Get out there and take one of those soft degree options, Surfing Studies perhaps (Plymouth Uni) else David Beckham Studies (Staffordshire e than 200 Uni). At least you can then have There are mor i Pepper, kinds of Chill a meaningless degree as part of belong to ch hi w none of your ever more meaningless life. mily. fa er the Pepp

! MAYHEM : FACT

MARATHON RUNNERS? Go for a jog to the local shop. Buy enormous bar of chocolate. Stagger back, barely getting through the door. Sit down, make appropriate noises of discomfort. Maybe next year?

H OW ALT ERNAT ELY, H A LF A BO U T T H E S E ? DAY S EMINARS Smurf Sexy Seminar This happens when you both get down and dirty with each other until you are blue in the face! Hallway Sexy Seminar Sadly, this happens when you have been with your partner for toooooo long. You pass in the hallway and both say ‘screw you’.

72 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

Religious Sexy Seminar Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. Courtroom Sexy Seminar This happens when you can’t stand your partner anymore. They take you to court and their lawyer screws you royally in front of everyone. Income Support Sexy Seminar You get a little bit every month, but, despite what you are told, it isn’t enough to live on.

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WERE YOU NAUGHTY ON NEW YEAR’S EVE?

74 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

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GET ME OUTTA HERE MAN!

HOW TO SABOTAGE your friends

NEW YEAR’S

RESOLUTIONS WRITTEN BY MIA HABENS

to their New People who st ick make the Year’s resolutions d feel guilt y an d rest of look ba ’s why you at Th – en d of story. ey fail th re su have to make t time ea gr a ve ha y, miserabl d all the time along the way, an ve it ’s their making them belie ly the best idea an d you’re real has come ! of frien ds. Mayhem fe sa ilup with some fa e th rt ways to thwa most common resolutions .

GET FIT This is probably the most common of all New Year resolutions and probably the most difficult to actually achieve. Great news for you! The left-over lard from Christmas will surely have your mates queuing up to join a gym, but after a few sessions they will be ready to get on board with any healthderailing suggestions you have. Team this with a few well chosen compliments about how great they look and you will get your beer drinking, pizza scoffing buddy back in no time! 76 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

FIND LOVE SAVE MONEY Being broke is a student’s prerogative, so don’t take this resolution lying down. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find tonnes of great things to do – craftily making sure they’re not too expensive… so you get to use the immortal phrase “it’s fine, it’s only a fiver”. They will be as skint as you in no time, but you woud have had some great times along the way!

BE A BETTER PERSON This is so generic it’s almost too easy! This could fall into categories such as learning a language, volunteering for a charity, or no one-night stands. The good thing is that without a specific resolution in mind, your mate has no way to gauge failure, so they will be up for any half-hearted justification by you to stray. Easy!

Urgh… this is not only slightly vomit-inducing, but it’s also almost impossible when you’re really trying. Therefore, you must encourage them to go on any speed-dating, socialising or networking event possible – while subtly criticising anyone they bring home – they will come across as desperate and needy in no time and you don’t have to worry about losing your drinking buddy for at least another year!

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HOROSCOPES!

The planets are firing up and getting ready to shoot each one of you down as part of their naughty motives to conquer the world and bring it to its knees. Checkout out your horny horoscope for December… ARIES LEO SAGITTARIUS WRITTEN BY JENNIFER LE ROUX

(21 MAR–20 APR)

(24 JUL–23 AUG)

(23 NOV–22 DEC)

1SFQBSF GPS BO VODPNGPSUBCMF NPOUI +VTU XIFO ZPV UIJOL BMM JT XFMM UIFSF JT TPNFUIJOH IJOEFSJOH ZPVS FWFSZ NPWF BT UIF QMBOFUT DPMMJEF BOE .BST FOUFST 6SBOVT %PO¤U EFTQBJS ,FFQ NPWJOH BOE FWFOUVBMMZ ZPV XJMM CF BMM DIFXFE PVU

:PVS XJME OBUVSF HFUT ZPV JO USPVCMF BT ZPV GBDF ZPVS NJMLZ XBZ SVOOJOH JOUP DPO«JDU XJUI B CMBDL IPMF JO UIF BUNPTQIFSF BSPVOE ZPV -BDL PG DPOUSPM XJMM OPU IFMQ UIF TJUVBUJPO CVU UIJOL PG TPNFUIJOH MFTT FYDJUJOH 'PDVT BOE BMM TIPVME CF XFMM "MUFSOBUJWFMZ KVTU HP XJUI JU BOE GBDF UIF DPOTFRVFODFT MBUFS

:PV GFFM MJLF JU¤T UIF FOE PG UIF XPSME BT ZPVS 7FOVT MPPTFT FOFSHZ XIFO DPOGSPOUFE XJUI UFNQUBUJPO GSPN B TJHOJªDBOU PUIFS 5IJT TFU CBDL JT UFNQPSBSZ 5IJOL PVUTJEF UIF CPY BOE ZPV XJMM ªOE ZPVS XBZ UP UIF DIPDPMBUF UFNQUBUJPO PG .BST XIP QSFTFOUT B OFX PQQPSUVOJUZ GSPN B EJGGFSFOU QFSTQFDUJWF *U¤T TP XSPOH JU¤T SJHIU

TAURUS

(21 APR–21 MAY)

%P BT -BEZ (BHB SFDPNNFOET BOE QVU ZPVS QBXT VQ 1MVUP UBLFT B QSPNJOFOU QPTJUJPO JO ZPVS HBSEFO PG UIPVHIU 5IFSF JT BO JTTVF QSFTTJOH JO ZPVS QSPGFTTJPOBM MJGF UIBU ZPV TIPVMEO¤U UBLF MZJOH EPXO EP BT 1MVUP XPVME XBOU BOE USZ UBLJOH B EJGGFSFOU QPTJUJPO JO UIJT DPO«JDU 5IFZ XPO¤U CF BCMF UP SFTJTU

VIRGO

GEMINI

LIBRA

5IF UXJOT BSF FYQFSJFODJOH B MJGU JO HSBWJUZ UIBU HFUT ZPV FYUSB BUUFOUJPO UIJT NPOUI %PO¤U ªHIU JU 5IFSF¤T B SBHJOH CVMM SFBEZ UP QPVODF UIBU XJMM TFU ZPVS QVMTF SBDJOH JO UIF SJHIU EJSFDUJPO #FUUFS TUJMM UIF UXJOT BSFO¤U UIF POMZ POFT FYQFSJFODJOH B SJTF

:PV NBZ IBWF USPVCMF HFUUJOH B HSJQ XJUI ZPVS 7FOVT UIJT NPOUI #VU EPO¤U XPSSZ UIFSF JT TPNFPOF JO UIF XJOHT XBJUJOH UP EP JU GPS ZPV 4UBZ PQFO UP OFX PQQPSUVOJUJFT BOZXIFSF UIBU IBT EBSL DPSOFST " GFJTUZ WJYFO XJMM ESJWF 7FOVT JOUP /FQUVOF OP QSPCMFN

CANCER

SCORPIO

5IFSF¤T TPNFUIJOH TIBLJOH ZPV VQ UIJT NPOUI BT +VQJUFS IPMET MFTT TUBCJMJUZ GPS ZPV BOE CFHT UP CF KPJOFE XJUI TUFBNZ .FSDVSZ 5IFSF JT OP TUPQQJOH ZPV PODF UIBU TFYZ TPNFPOF DPNFT JOUP ZPVS MJGF 5VSO VQ UIF IFBU BOE MFU UIF XBSNUI XBTI PWFS ZPVS CPEZ XJMMJOHMZ

*G FWFS UIFSF XBT B UJNF UIBU ZPV TIPVMEO¤U CBDL PGG JU¤T OPX 5IFSF JT B TUJOH JO ZPVS UBJM UIBU JT EFTQFSBUF UP CF SFMFBTFE CVU TIPX TPNF DPOUSPM .BZCF JU¤T UJNF ZPV HBWF TPNFPOF B TQFDJBM OFDLMBDF XIBU NPSF DPVME B HJSM XBOU

(22 MAY–22 JUN)

(23 JUN–23 JUL)

78 MAYHEM! | WINTER 2011/12

(24 AUG–23 SEP)

6SBOVT LOPXT OP CPVOEBSJFT BOE TFFLT FOUFSUBJONFOU GSPN BOZPOF XJMMJOH UP FOUFS JUT BUNPTQIFSF %PO¤U IPME CBDL UIJT NPOUI JT BMM BCPVU USZJOH TPNFUIJOH OFX OP NBUUFS IPX TDBSZ JU NBZ TFFN (SJU ZPVS UFFUI BOE UIJOL PG &OHMBOE (24 SEP–23 OCT)

(24 OCT–22 NOV)

CAPRICORN (23 DEC–19 JAN)

:PV BMXBZT HFU DBVHIU XBUDIJOH UPP NVDI BOE JU SFBMMZ EPFTO¤U IFMQ ZPV HFU BOZ CFUUFS $BQSJDPSO 4P XIZ EPO¤U ZPV USZ ªOEJOH TPNFPOF UP EP UIF SFBM UIJOH XJUI 8IP LOPXT ZPV DPVME BDUVBMMZ MJLF JU CFUUFS

AQUARIUS (20 JAN–19 FEB)

+VHT

PISCES

(20 FEB–20 MAR)

:PVS GFFMJOH TPNFXIBU EJTBQQPJOUFE BU UIF BQQFBSBODF PG B USPVU XIFO ZPV XFSF TFFLJOH B CVUUFS«Z #F TFOTJUJWF XIFO ZPV UVSO IFS EPXO UIFSF BSF TPNF UIJOHT UIBU DBO¤U CF DIBOHFE KVTU TXJN JO B EJGGFSFOU PDFBO BOE ªOE BOPUIFS ªTI UP GSZ

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