CRASH COURSE

More Americans have died on US roads since 2006 than in World Wars I & II combined

This session of Crash Course is going to take us back to the basics. As you may have noticed, some drivers seem to have forgotten the most elementary principles of safely navigating the highways and bi-ways. So yes, some of this information might seem to insult the intelligence of anyone above 3rd grade, but really, anyone below 3rd grade level shouldn’t be driving anyway.

Rule #1, as suggested by the illustration to the right: use your brain at all times when driving. You would think that’s a given, but no.

The reason auto makers are trending more and more toward driverless cars (or at minimum removing the human element from driving as much as technology will allow) is because humans are notoriously good at making bad choices behind the wheel. So if they can’t stop us from making TikTok videos while tearing down the interstate at 75 mph, the least they can do is build a car that will take over the driving while we post our next viral video.

Of course, so-called driverless technology has not yet achieved 100% driverless status, so we still need to — this may sound radical — pay attention to the road while we’re driving Note the illustration again. It only has three gears. Not 37. In other words, when driving, focus on driving. It’s extremely important. Want proof? Please refer to the subheading of this column above, the sentence right below the picture of the crash test dummy. It’s a shocking statement, but it brings home the reason for this column, and the message that safe driving is well worth our time and attention.

There are other safety basics that require the same level of brain power to achieve; that is to say, very little.

This would be the perfect place to preach a Thou Shall Obey the Speed Limit sermon, but who are we kidding? Nobody wants to be that one guy driving the speed limit. But it would at least be prudent to drive the same speed as everyone else. That’s safer than poking along at 30 in a 30 when everyone else is doing 45. And it’s a whole lot safer than doing 60 in a 45 too.

Another frequently observed roadway infraction is tailgating. In a stadium parking lot in October, tailgating is cool. But on any street or road any month of the year, it is not a smart move. Hence the oft-repeated maxim known as

The Examiner’s Corollary: “Tailgating is dumb.” It may very well be the Michael Jordan of all boneheaded driving stunts.

Let’s say someone needs a new car, and you just happen to be tailgating that very person. All they have to do is slam on their brakes — perhaps they thought they saw a turtle in the road — and not only will they have that new car, but in all likelihood they will also have a nice little bundle of cash to go along with it.

There are certainly other fundamentals usually covered on the first day of class: wear your seatbelt; drive defensively; don’t drink and drive; put away your phone phone at all times while driving (your GPS phone is permissable); keep your car (and its tires) well maintained.

All of these are important elements in safe driving, and each one requires roughly the brain power of a grasshopper to appreciate.

Just for fun (and for extra credit!), let’s harness the power of two grasshoppers for some additional Safe Driving 101 behaviors.

Embrace the Power of the Merge Lane It takes only two grasshopper brains to realize that interstate merge lanes are provided to allow drivers to reach the speed of the traffic flow on the main road before entering the main road Conversely, some exiting drivers brake while still on the main road, even though there is a half-mile long exit ramp stretched out before them. In short, merge lanes keep traffic flowing smoothly on the mother road — if we use them as nature intended.

Embrace the Power of the Blinker It takes one half of one tenth of one calorie to activate a turn signal. So although blinker use is not an effective weight-loss strategy, it is definitely a safe driving move. It magically lets other drivers know what you intend to do before you do it! That can prevent accidents. And road rage.

Sometimes our roving highway safety inspectors witness the failure to employ the two powers above, and it isn’t a pretty picture. It can happen when 3 lanes merge down to 2, or 2 merge into one, and someone in the lane about to end floors it to get ahead of others with the intention of cutting in at the last second. It’s already rude and a half, but they compound the rudeness by not even using a blinker. Shame!

Class dismissed.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT WHEN YOU HEAR ABOUT PEOPLE COMMITTING CRIMES RIGHT OUT OF PRISON... I served 18 years straight. I’d say somewhere around the 7 or 8 year mark my view of the situation changed. It was no longer prison, it was just my life. Nothing ever changed. Every day was the same. You get in a never-changing routine and before you know it 5 years go by, then 10, then 15. The real world becomes a fantasy. It’s something you see on TV or pictured in magazines, but it’s no longer real.

One day you look in the mirror and your hair is receding, and it’s turning gray. In your mind you’re socially stunted and in a lot of ways like a child , but you’re old.

I went in at 18 and came out a 37-year-old man who didn’t know how to do anything. I’d never used a cell phone or computer. I’d never driven a car or filed my taxes. The world was too big, too loud, too fast. My second day out my sister took me to Walmart and I had a panic attack and had to go outside and sit in the car by myself.

I could make a tattoo gun out of an electric razor, boil water with an extension cord, and sit for months on end by myself in a room with a sink, concrete bunk and metal toilet without breaking a sweat. But I couldn’t hold a job, operate any electronics without help, or go to Walmart without freaking out. I didn’t know how to cook or how to pay a bill. I sat home by myself for months, afraid to go anywhere or talk to people. A big part of me wanted to be back in prison where things made sense, where I thrived.

I’ve been out for over 5 years now, and while I’ve learned to do a lot of things, it’s still not easy. I dream a lot of being back in prison. Where’s it’s easy. No responsibility. And believe it or not, where there is less stress and anxiety. I’ve been in institutions my whole life, since I was a little kid. Foster homes, group homes, treatment centers, juvenile detentions. It’s what I know. It’s where I’m comfortable.

I don’t know if that will ever change.