Dec18 15 by Daniel Pearson

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

Kid’s Stuff

Holiday Diet L

NOTES FROM A PEDIATRIC INTERN by Caroline Colden, M.D.

THAT’S SPLENDID & STUPENDOUS

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE AND BEST OF ALL

GUARANTEED TO WORK!

he award-wanting Research Division of the Medical Examiner has been working overtime here at our sprawling world headquarters campus. Their goal: find a solution to the perennial problem of holiday weight gain. “How can anyone not gain weight during the holidays?” asked many of our study volunteers, who were each rewarded for their participation with a 20 lb. Butterball turkey and an unlimited 1-year pass to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral. But you see, it really doesn’t matter because they are all enrolled in our breakthrough Splendid and Stupendous Amazingly Simple Guaranteed to Work Holiday Diet (or SSASGWHD for short - pronounced “saz-gwood”). How does it work? What is the science behind it? How can we say it’s guaranteed to work? The iron-clad logic behind SSASGWHD We began our research by studying the holiday season itself, the Thanksgiving feast kick-off, holiday receptions, and office parties. We found that in addition to these major gastronomic holiday landmarks, dozens of

additional minor opportunities to ingest calories present themselves: the coworkers who bring in cupcakes, brownies, cookies, etc, day after day during the length of the holiday season. When everything is combined, the huge feasts and the minor snacking, it’s no wonder people overeat during the holiday season. In truth, our research team was about to give up the challenge, accept failure, return the grant money, and move on to an easier challenge, like finding a way to make preschool kids love broccoli. But then an amazing thing happened. Researchers decided to look at the basics of the Christmas holiday itself, and that led to our amazing breakthrough. We should acknowledge up front that our team didn’t discover anything that isn’t already in published literature, but they did break new ground in ways to utilize existing information. Establishing the patient’s history As it turns out, the history of Christmas offers a direct, logical path to SSASGWHD. Please see HOLIDAY DIET page 3

et’s talk about being full of it — and I don’t mean politicians. I am talking about anyone who generally is fuller of “it” than they should be, and are what we call “constipated.” This can affect people of all ages, and can be a surprisingly big problem for kids, especially around the potty-training age. What is constipation? In reality, defining bowel habits is subjective, but in general, we can say that constipation is a state in which one does not have bowel movements as frequently as desired or recommended. In general, one should strive to have bowel movements at least once every day or every other day. Constipation can occur when the transit of food through the digestive tract occurs more slowly than normal. As food travels farther along in the intestines, it eventually passes from the small to the large intestine, also known as the colon. The colon’s main job is to reabsorb water from the digesting food (now becoming more and more like stool than food) and to help maintain the body’s electrolyte balance. This is why infection or disease of the colon causes diarrhea, since water reabsorption is impaired and thus makes stool very loose. On the other hand, if food/stool sits for too long in the colon, it can become dehydrated from excessive water reabsorption, thus becoming harder and more difficult to pass. This can be painful, especially for kids, who might then react to passage of a hard stool by avoiding future bowel movements through active retention of stool. A vicious cycle is thus created, and the state of chronic constipation is born. Low fiber diets, excessive cow’s milk consumption, and family history/predisposition to constipation can all contribute to slow transit. Please see CONSTIPATION page 2

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

DECEMBER 18, 2015

THINGS YOU CAN DO

CONSTIPATION… from page 1 As stool accumulates in the sigmoid colon, that final segment of colon (which serves as a storage depot) becomes distended and large, like a swollen balloon. Normal intestinal movement, called peristalsis (which is the contracting/squeezing that propels intestinal contents forward in the gut), can become progressively impaired with distention of the colon. This is because the innervation by nerves and the muscles of intestinal wall become so stretched they cannot undergo peristalsis normally. Constipation is worsened as the intestinal life cycle becomes more stagnant, prolonging the process of stool passage. Paradoxically, constipation can present as diarrhea in some patients, especially when it is significant enough. As a large amount of stool accumulates in the colon, the colon is prevented from digesting new food passing through the bowels and reabsorbing water properly. As a result, the undigested, watery bowel contents can leak around the hard, impacted stool, and cause a child to have accidents. It can take at least 6 months and potentially years for constipation to be truly fixed, depending on how long the constipation had been going on before it was addressed. Recall how the colon can get stretched out as it accommodates more and more stool.

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The stretching won’t cause permanent damage, but it can take several months for the bowels to shrink back down to normal size and normalize in function again. So how can we fix constipation? The first step is cleaning the GI tract out. Depending on the severity of the constipation, it can take several days to empty the bowels completely of the stored stool. Some kids can even be hospitalized because of their significant stool burden. Laxatives such as Miralax or GoLytely (another form of Miralax already in liquid form) are among the first go-to treatments pediatricians prescribe for children with constipation. Miralax helps fix constipation by helping to draw water back into the colon and thus rehydrate stool, essentially creating a mild diarrhea that helps stool pass more easily. High fiber diets also help fix constipation, and are even better for maintaining regularity. Increasing a child’s activity level can help get things moving as well. Several other over-the-counter laxatives also exist, but it’s important to discuss their use with your child’s doctor beforehand, as the side effects and safety profile of a medicine must be evaluated first. Overall, constipation is more common than we think, but luckily the treatment is straightforward and can be very effective. +

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

This entire plate of Christmas cookies has a combined grand total of 10 calories, zero carbs, and 5 grams of sugar. How do we know? Because we decreed it to be so. Eat up!

HOLIDAY DIET… from page 1 all as Christian by declaring it to be — as people still say today — “for the baby Jesus.” Wait. Hold up. I thought this was about a diet. It is! Think about what a masterful stroke of genius the early church pulled off. By a simple decree, they put new labels on practices that had virtually no connection to Jesus’ birth. Suddenly the same old pagan rituals were now Christian [air quotes] celebrations in Jesus’ honor. That was a spectacularly successful move by the church. Well, why not apply the very same principle to a holiday diet? Let’s say you are at a holiday party with huge platters of fattening snacks, cholesterol-laden hors d’oeuvres, tables sagging under the weight of sugary sweets. Everything there looks absolutely delicious, and there’s a lot of it. The problem is, none of it is particularly healthful. As we have established, there is a proven solution, elegant in its simplicity and very much in keeping with Christmas tradition. Simply declare the heavy hors d’oeuvres to be “lite.” Decree those brownies to be sugar-free. Call the aerosol cheese artisanal. Hey, throw in organic, too. Do they have a chocolate fountain? Syncretize it as holistic. Are you a vegetarian? Walk boldly up to that platter of bacon-wrapped pork tenderloins and say, “I declare thee vegan.” This approach has worked well at this time of year for centuries. There’s absolutely no reason it can’t be applied to SSASGWHD. Enjoy your holiday diet! +

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For starters, there is no mention of Jesus’ date of birth anywhere in the Bible. Added to that, says Wikipedia, the “popular customs associated with Christmas developed independently of the commemoration of Jesus’ birth, with certain elements having origins in pre-Christian festivals that were celebrated around the winter solstice by pagan populations... These elements, including the Yule log from Yule and gift giving from Saturnalia, became syncretized [or amalgamated] into Christmas over the centuries.” That word “syncretized” stood out to our research team. But let’s not get ahead of the story. If no one knows when Jesus was born, how did December 25 get picked to be the special day? Again, Wikipedia: “One theory to explain the choice of 25 December for the celebration of the birth of Jesus is that the purpose was to Christianize the pagan festival in Rome of the Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, meaning ‘the birthday of the Unconquered Sun,’ a festival inaugurated by the Roman emperor Aurelian (270–275) to [honor] the sun god, celebrated at the winter solstice, 25 December... During the reign of the emperor Constantine, Christian writers assimilated this feast as the birthday of Jesus.” In short, the church of the 3rd and 4th century, fighting a losing battle against popular celebrations that were pagan (that is to say, “non-Christian”) — sun worship, specifically — decided to “pull an Azziz,” as we would call it in today’s terminology. They rebranded the pagan rituals, welcoming them into the church intact and unchanged, syncretizing and sanctifying it

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(706) 860-5455 www.AugustaRx.com • E-mail: graphicadv@knology.net Opinions expressed by the writers herein are their own and their respective institutions. Neither the Augusta Medical Examiner, Pearson Graphic 365 Inc., or its agents or employees take any responsibility for the accuracy of submitted information, which is presented for informational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, consult your doctor. The appearance of advertisements in this publication does not constitute an endorsement of the products or services advertised. © 2015 PEARSON GRAPHIC 365 INC.

#13 IN A SERIES

Who is this?

DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

OLD NEWS +

POINTS OF INTEREST TO FORMER KIDS by Trisha Whisenhunt, Senior Citizens Council

ay the name Jenner, and in the not too distant past people thought of this man, not any of various pseudocelebrities who share that name. He is the British doctor Edward Jenner (1749 - 1823), and all his medical career accomplished was to saving “more lives than the work of any other human.” Jenner invented and pioneered vaccination and is known as the father of immunology. His groundbreaking discovery came in the form of a vaccine against smallpox, a disease we have all heard of, but few have experienced. Thanks to Jenner, smallpox is a relic of the past. As of 1967, more than 170 years after Jenner’s vaccine discovery, the World Health Organization estimated there were still as many as 15 million cases a year. WHO sponsored an intensive campaign to innoculate every person in the areas most at risk, mainly South America, Africa, and the Indian subcontinent. New smallpox cases disappeared, and after a period of watching in vain for new cases, WHO formally declared smallpox to be eradicated in 1980, an outcome Jenner had predicted in 1801. Today’s “anti-vaxxers,” people who have moral and ethical objections to vaccines, have their counterparts in Jenner’s day, the late 1700s. The mechanism of cure was the problem. The story is a famous one: in May 1796 a milkmaid consulted Dr. Jenner about a rash on her hand. Jenner had always been intrigued by the country lore that people who caught cowpox from their cows were immune to chickenpox. Here was an opportunity to test its truth. Jenner chose James Phipps, the 8-year-old son of his gardener, a boy who had never experienced smallpox. Jenner made a few scratches on James’ arms and rubbed into them some material from the pocks on Sarah’s hands. James became mildy ill with cowpox, but recovered fully within a week. Jenner subsequently injected James with smallpox, and as he expected, the boy did not develop the disease. Smallpox could be prevented! The response to this earthshaking discovery was not exactly positive. Ordinary people had moral objections: they would not be treated with substances originating from God’s lowlier creatures. “Vaccine,” after all, was a word coined by Jenner from the Latin word for cow (vacca). The medical community was opposed at first. Vaccination was banned by an Act of Parliament in 1840, but not long after (1853) Parliament reversed itself and made vaccination compulsory. That sparked protest marches and heated opposition from those demanding freedom of choice. Sound familar? +

DON’T EXPECT CHRISTMAS TO BE PERFECT AND IT WILL BE

have been reflecting of late on Christmases past. The major mishaps and cooking failures now stand out as funny. We actually had a concoction we cooked and fed to the tree (after it cooled) before we brought it in the house. One year, my husband left a burner on and I took a casserole out of the oven, placed it on that burner and it burst, sending potatoes, cheese and glass everywhere. The kids still refer to it as the “exploding potatoes incident.” On another Christmas morning we were hoping for a few more minutes of sleep when one of our daughters burst in to announce the toaster was on fire. Last year, my youngest showed me a taser she had received as a gift for protection and afterward left it on the counter. Her sister later picked it up and, doubting its function, tested it on her boyfriend, dropping him to the floor. (We have a medical person in the family who was present, thankfully. He was fine.) It’s all so funny

now. I know all of you have stories you tell every year and laugh all over again. The imperfections of situations past become hilarious history. I have written about stress before but there is something particular to the pressures of the holiday season. It would all be easier without tempers flaring if we could remember that we only get so many Christmases with our families and friends. We need to let go of the small stuff. It really doesn’t matter if dinner turns out imperfectly or if everyone intends to return the gifts you bought. The point is being together and remembering what the real reason is for the holiday. If we don’t expect

perfection, I believe we end up with a closer version of it than we realize. We can work so hard to make the season what we think it should be that we become exhausted and the smallest transgression or misplaced comment sets off an argument. I recall the year we travelled from Connecticut to New York for Christmas with extended family. Upon returning home my mother realized she didn’t have her tablecloth and swore my Aunt Margaret hid it and kept it on purpose. Instead of asking Aunt Margaret about it, she preferred complaining about it until the day she died. What a waste of energy and lost time with her sister over nonsense. While it seems silly to others, to the persons involved these events are most grievous and are often allowed to fester until forgiveness becomes impossible. If we can let go of the negative energy and pour our thoughts and actions into a more positive vein we will all be a lot happier and I believe healthier. Stress and negativity can have a profound effect on our health and we all should strive to avoid it, not just during our beloved holidays but all year. We may just live a little longer if we do. Merry Christmas! +

MYTH OF THE MONTH Eating late at night makes you fat. Well, this is sort of true and sort of false. Strictly speaking, a calorie is a calorie, no matter whether you eat it at 11:00 am or 11:00 pm. The issue in being fat (absent some medical issue) is what you eat, not when you eat it. In other words, all by itself, eating late at night has nothing to do with weight gain. On the other hand, most late-night eating takes place after supper, a full meal in itself. In addition, late night foods are probably not celery and carrot sticks. It’s more likely to be chips or popcorn, or cookies, ice cream, cake, pie,

or other high-fat, calorie-rich dessert foods. Lastly, evening snack foods are typically eaten while watching television, surfing the web, playing video games, etc. That leads to mindless eating and overconsumption. The best antidote is to avoid evening snacks, but other options include healthier snacks and portion control of less healthy snacks. + — by F. E. Gilliard, MD, Family Medicine 639 13th St Augusta, GA 30901 706-823-5250

DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

WHAT EVERYBODY OUGHT TO KNOW res? k good eno r skin can ugh cer? son.”

ews flash: New Year’s resolutions come to mind this time of year. None of us were as good this past year as we had hoped. Therefore it is time to try once again to do better. Unfortunately most of us are the way we are because we want to be the way we are. That’s just human nature. We don’t eat sugar because it is white. We eat sugar because it provides energy … and it tastes soooooo good. The same goes for ice cream, pineapple milkshakes, strawberry shortcake, and divinity candy. I don’t need any of those things, but they are so very good just thinking about them my taste buds fibrillate. As I once heard, most of our private vices tend to be sinful, unhealthy, or fattening. And we enjoy them. k

ABOUT MAKING PERFECT NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS So what are we to do when it comes time to making New Year’s resolutions that are supposed to make us better people? Or to make the world a better place to live? Or for that matter, to give up something for Lent? Or to promise God we will do (or not do) something if He will just get us out of the last stupid mess we got ourselves into? And don’t give me this “pray for world peace” or “stop the greenhouse gases” and “global warming” crap that everybody mutters about. Mark Twain had it right when he said, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does a damn thing about it.” Nobody should lie when they make New Year’s resolutions. After all, a resolution is a promise for FREE T AKE-H OME C OPY!

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t s e B the future, and God hears everything. So don’t lie to God. When dealing with God, if you say it, you gotta do it. (I wonder if that applies to sacred wedding vows. Maybe we should deal with that another day.) Anyway, rest easy, dear hearts. Disaster shall be averted. Have no fear. Bad Billy is here. You shall be saved by Bad Billy Laveau’s Near-Perfect New Year Resolutions Treatise. I have used it repeatedly and not once have I lied to God while using this list. I have thought about copyrighting it so I could get rich collecting royalties, but out of the goodness of my heart, I am providing it free for the betterment of mankind.

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So here it is:

Bad Billy Laveau’s Near Perfect New Year’s Resolution Proclamation. I hereby solemnly affirm and swear that for the next calendar year I shall resist, refrain from, and avoid at all costs the following: • Snake Handling • Sky-Diving • Bungee Jumping • Believing everything politicians say • Eating considerably more than I ate last year • Setting my hair on fire to avoid haircuts • Intentionally overpaying my income taxes • Playing catch with live hand grenades • Juggling open straight razors • Licking frozen flagpoles and railroad tracks • Dyeing my wife’s hair green while she sleeps • Telling neighbors my granddaughter is ugly • Telling neighbors my granddaughter is stupid • Joking with airport attendants about a bomb in my suitcase

• Voting for Marion Williams for anything • Confusing dot Indians with feather Indians • Wearing a DAVID DUKES 4 PRESIDENT button to an NAACP rally • Wearing a BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL button to a KKK rally • Considering political correctness when deciding right vs. wrong • Ordering pig knuckles in a Kosher restaurant • Asking for a second glass of wine at Communion • Using the words “Honey” and “fat” in the same sentence • Using “damn” and God in the same sentence • Using Limburger Cheese scented underarm deodorant • Using Jalapeño eyedrops • Using Habañera lip gloss • Texting while driving through Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta Now, that was not hard, was it? While God might not think you heart was not into serious resolutions, at least you won’t be lying to Him. And that, dear hearts, is always a good thing. + Bad Billy Laveau is a formerlyretired MD who wields a pointed sense of humor and now, tongue depressors too. He speaks and entertains at events for audiences not subject to cardiac arrest secondary to overwhelming laughter and glee. BadBilly@knology. net or 706-306-9397.

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Money Doctor SIX TIMES A YEAR (IN EVEN MONTHS)

DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

Part Four of an 8-part series

Looking for Likes in all the right places.

16 for ’16

As the end of one year and the beginning of another approaches, it’s a fitting time to consider ways to start the new year in a better state of mind and body. Each installment of this series, now through February, will offer simple ways to do just that by cutting bad things and adding good things. To read previous installments of 16 for ’16, visit issuu.com/medicalexaminer. the person with whom you occupy living quarters) is the most personal and intimate of all human relationships. When things are going well in a marriage, life is good. When the relationship is rocky, life seems rocky too. Study and after study has shown that marriage is good for you. When the original bachelor was evaluated, the conclusion was “it is not good for the man to be dwelling alone.” As it turns out, science agrees: married people — married men in particular — live significantly longer than their single friends. Why? Studies have drawn a number of conclusions. Many people know someone who was a bit of a maniac as a

+ #7 FIX YOUR MARRIAGE

As several of the features in this series have demonstrated, the road to better health and wellness does not always run through a doctor’s office. They can’t fix everything, and if they could, plenty of us would use that as an excuse to live in unhealthy ways, knowing that somebody can always patch us up. There’s enough of that already: over-eaters who can’t summon up the willpower to eat less, so they turn to pharmaceuticals for the cure, and if that doesn’t work, to surgery. There are some things we just have to do for ourselves. Marriage (or in these supposedly enlightened times,

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single person but who settled down once married, or who gave up (pick one: smoking, drugs, drinking, promiscuity, motorcycle racing, or some other risky behavior) when marriage and kids came along. Having a partner means having someone to talk to for advice or emotional support, and that can reduce stress and help promote good decisions. Partners also have each other’s backs, so to speak, so one might encourage the other to get a mammogram or a prostate test or to get that mole checked out that they can’t even see. Married people also tend to be more socially and intellectually engaged, which can help avoid dementia. In addition to all these benefits, someone who isn’t married but wants to find a mate might live a healthier lifestyle, regularly exercise, avoid smoking, and keep their weight down as a means of attracting a mate. With all these things going for it, it’s rather amazing how many people abuse the privilege of being married. We’re not talking about cheating on your spouse, which

is unfortunately not uncommon, and which is a lot like cheating on yourself. No, we’re just talking about ordinary things like doing stuff you know your mate finds to be annoying, or not doing things you could easily do — and which your mate wants you to do — but which, for one reason or another you don’t even try to do. It is a proven fact that there are exactly zero perfect wives and the same number of perfect husbands. So we’re going to occasionally get on each other’s nerves. There are two solutions to this problem. One is giving your marriage your very best effort all the time. It won’t make you a perfect wife or husband, but your mate will see that at least you’re trying. That goes a long way. The other success strategy is not expecting perfection of your mate; being tolerant and patient; being reasonable and not overly demanding. The payoff is lifelong, and can even outlive you. After all, as Mark Twain sagely noted, “Familiarity breeds contempt. Please see 16 for ’16 page 13

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re you a New Year’s resolution fan? Or a resolution hater? Both sides in this annual discussion have their valid points. On the negative side, by the time you read this many carefully made resolutions may have already slipped a little. Statistically, by this date (January 9) 25 percent of all resolutions have already gone down in flames; that many usually fail within the first week. By the six-month mark the failure rate is about half. And by this time next year, the wreckage of 88 percent of all those shiny new intentions of last week’s New Year’s Day 2015 will lie strewn across the landscape. On the plus side, that means a fairly decent 12 percent of all resolutions are achieved after a full year. Building on that positive note, making New Year’s resolutions is evidence of one of the finest aspects of human nature — that we continuously evaluate ourselves and constantly strive to improve, to be better husbands or wives, better moms and dads, better employees, better bosses, and just better human beings. The typical resolutions reflect those basic desires: the #1 resolution every year is always some form of better health. Lose weight. Get more exercise. Eat less junk food or fast food. Eat less, period. Quit smoking. Drink less, or quit altogether.

-HOM E CO P Y! TM

• MED

JANUARY 9, 2015

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Who is this? See page 3.

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You really can’t fault anyone for such noble goals. After all, health is the ultimate wealth. It’s the currency that makes every other endeavor in life possible. Speaking of currency, improving finances is, broadly speaking, the second most popular resolution category. Common examples include establishing and/or sticking to a budget; saving more; cutting impulse buys; getting a better job, a raise, or a promotion. The third-most common resolutions might be categorized as self-improvement: read more; temper control/ anger management; reduce or manage stress; watch less TV; get more education: learn a new language, skill, or hobby; improve your marriage and other personal relationships, and so forth. All of these are worthy goals. They are well worth pursuing, even if that means getting past occasional setbacks. Since failure is always an option, it’s good to expect it and be ready to keep making progress. There is nothing magical about January 1. If you haven’t made some kind of self-improvement goal, it’s never too late. If you’ve started and failed already, restarts are always allowed. Whatever you set your sights on, keep the letters shown below in mind, as well as what they stand for. Please see RESOLVED page 2

Relevant

Time-specific

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

Crockpot Apple Butter

Directions: 1. Place all ingredients into

the crockpot, stir well and place the lid on top. 2. Cook on low for 10-12 hours. 3. At 10 hours and once the apples have cooked down, remove the lid, stir well and use a hand-held immersion blender to puree the mixture. (If you do not have an immersion blender you may allow mixture to cool a bit and blend in an upright blender, then return to the crockpot) 4. Place the lid of the

crockpot ajar and cook for an additional 4-6 hours on low. Stirring occasionally until the apple butter has thickened. 5. Store in the refrigerator in an airtight container for two to three weeks. + Alisa Rhinehart writes the blog www.southerngirleatsclean.com She is a working wife and mother living in Evans, Georgia. Visit her blog for more recipes and information on clean eating.

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Financial Planning Metrics

I love apple butter, how about you? It is absolutely perfect for this time of year. What I don’t love is how much refined sugar, artificial flavors and preservatives are in a jar of store bought apple butter. I decided that this fall, I had to try to make some apple butter of my own. This recipe is super simple, so delicious and very flavorful without all the bad stuff. It’s as easy as throwing everything in a crockpot and letting it cook until perfection. I have made two batches of this apple butter. With the first batch, I used Gala apples and with the second batch, I used Honey Crisp. Use whichever apple you would like; however, try to use a firmer, more crisp apple. I did not use the canning process to preserve the apple butter simply because it doesn’t last that long in our householf. It will store well in the refrigerator in a glass jar for several weeks. This apple butter is perfectly spreadable and delicious on gluten free toast, Ezekiel bread or even your favorite gluten free oatmeal. You won’t believe how easy it is to prepare. Enjoy! Ingredients: • 10-12 organic apples, peeled, cored and sliced thin • 1 cup of organic apple cider or apple juice with no added sugar • 1 tsp. of fresh lemon juice • 3-4 Tbsp. of honey • 1 tsp. of cinnamon • 1⁄2 to 1 tsp. of allspice • 1⁄2 tsp. vanilla extract • A pinch of sea salt or Real Salt brand salt

Money Doctor

THE

Southern Girl Eats Clean

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

JANUARY FRIDAY

8 2nd FRIDAY

fter understanding a client’s goals, values, priorities, and current commitments, we take a client’s vital signs by looking at several metrics. When presenting the metrics we explain to clients that the purpose of these metrics is not to compare yourself to others, but to help track progress in making your financial life match or align with your values and goals. It is important to note that each metric will mean very different things depending on your personal situation, so you must be careful when using rules of thumb or general guidance. Here are a few of the metrics we help clients understand. Savings Rate – For those in the accumulation phase, your savings rate is the amount of money saved annually divided by gross income. Your gross income is the amount of money you earn before taxes. You should include saving for all long-term goals which normally includes retirement, education, or large one-time future expenses. You can consider including any principal debt payoff as well. In general we like to see a 15% to 20% savings rate toward retirement. Your overall savings rate may be more than 20% when you include all other goals and debt payoff. It is important to note that your savings rate is a much larger predictor of success than your investment returns. Withdrawal Rate – For those in retirement, your withdrawal rate is the percentage of money withdrawn annually from your portfolio divided by the total portfolio value. There is a lot of academic research surrounding this number. You may hear people say that a 4% withdrawal rate is the rule of thumb. Like most rules of thumb it is best to take them with a grain of salt. This number is different for everyone depending on their personal situation. Items like long-term care policies, fixed income streams such as pensions or social security, rental property income, mortgages, and living expenses should be taken into account. It is important to keep in mind that when your portfolio value drops your withdrawal rate will increase, so understanding when you need to make adjustments is key. Tax Rates – There are two tax rates that are important to understand and track. Your marginal tax rate and your effective tax rate. As a best practice you can have your CPA provide those rates during tax planning in the fall or when filing your return in the spring. The effective tax rate is calculated by adding up all the taxes you pay annually and dividing by your annual gross income. The marginal tax rate is the amount of tax you paid on your final dollar of earnings. Your effective tax rate will be lower than your marginal tax rate because the United States has a progressive tax system with rising rates for higher income earners. Understanding these numbers helps when making decisions such as Roth vs. traditional contributions, tax-free vs. taxable bonds, dependent care accounts vs. dependent care tax credit along with many others. Net Worth – Understanding and calculating your net worth can be one of the best things you do each year. Net worth is the sum of all your assets minus the sum of all your liabilities. Your assets generally include bank accounts, investment accounts, home, auto, and personal property. Your liabilities normally include debt such as mortgages, auto loans, student loans, and any credit card debt. Updating these balances once a year will help track your overall financial progress. The ultimate goal for most people is financial independence. The number you need to be financially independent will be much different than other people, so using your net worth as a measuring stick when assessing your progress toward financial goals can be much more powerful than comparing your situation to others. There are many other metrics we use when planning for clients, such as investment returns, inflation rates, liquidity needs, debt to income ratio, expense ratio, and more. Having a financial planner help you understand the importance of tracking different metrics along the way can help provide a peace of mind that you are on track to meet your financial goals. + by Clayton Quamme, a Certified Financial Planner (CFP®) with Preston & Cleveland Wealth Management, LLC (www.prestoncleveland.com). Preston & Cleveland is a fee-only financial planning and investment advisory firm with offices in Augusta and Columbia.

Phar macy 41 1

OUR NEWSSTANDS Medical locations: • Children’s Hospital of Georgia, Harper Street, Main Lobby • Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Ctr, 15th St., Main Entrance • Dept. of Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Uptown Div., Wrightsboro Rd., main lobby • Doctors Hospital, 3651 Wheeler Rd, ER Lobby Entrance • Eisenhower Hospital, Main Lobby, Fort Gordon • George C. Wilson Drive (by medical center Waffle House and mail boxes) • Augusta U. Hospital, 1120 15th Street, South & West Entrances • Augusta U. Medical Office Building, Harper Street, Main Entrance • Augusta U. Medical Office Building, Harper Street, Parking Deck entrance • Augusta U. Hospital, Emergency Room, Harper Street, Main Entrance • Augusta U., Laney-Walker Boulevard transit stop, Augusta • Select Specialty Hospital, Walton Way, Main entrance lobby • Trinity Hospital, Wrightsboro Road, main lobby by elevators • Trinity Hospital Home Health, Daniel Village, main lobby • University Health Federal Credit Union/ University Hospital Human Resources, 1402 Walton Way, Main Lobby • University Hospital, 1350 Walton Way, Emergency Room lobby area • University Hospital, 1350 Walton Way, Outside Brown & Radiology/Day Surgery • University Hospital - Columbia County, 465 N. Belair Road, Main Lobby • University Hospital Prompt Care, 3121 Peach Orchard Road, Augusta

Around town: • Barney’s Pharmacy, 2604 Peach Orchard Rd. • Birth Control Source, 1944 Walton Way • GRU Summerville Student Bookstore • Blue Sky Kitchen, 990 Broad Street • Columbia County Library, main branch lobby, Ronald Reagan Drive, Evans • Enterprise Mill (North Tower), 1450 Greene Street, Augusta • Daniel Village Barber Shop, Wrightsboro Road at Ohio Ave. • Hartley’s Uniforms, 1010 Druid Park Ave, Augusta • International Uniforms, 1216 Broad Street, Augusta • Marshall Family Y, Belair Rd, Evans • Mellow Mushroom, 12th and Broad Streets, Augusta • Parks Pharmacy, Georgia Avenue, North Augusta • Southside Family Y, Tobacco Road, Augusta • Surrey Center, Surrey Center Pharmacy, Highland Avenue, Augusta • Top-Notch Car Wash, 512 N. Belair Road, Evans • Wild Wing Cafe, 3035 Washington Road, Augusta

Plus... 800+ doctors offices throughout the area for staff and waiting rooms, as well as many nurses stations and waiting rooms of area hospitals.

DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

Very little if anything about healthcare is inexpensive, and that includes medicine. Tiny pills can command large prices. Over-the-counter medications may be less expensive, but are they also less effective? Find the answers to lots of your drug store questions in this column written by Augusta pharmacists Chris and Lee Davidson exclusively for the Medical Examiner.

WHEN THE CURE BECOMES THE PROBLEM One of the first questions you are asked at the physician’s office or at the pharmacy is about medication allergies. More often than not, we have to do some detective work to figure out if those “allergies” are actually allergies or if they are just adverse reactions. They are distinctly different and may determine whether a medication may or may not be safe for you to take. True allergies are different from adverse drug reactions or side effects. A drug allergy is the abnormal reaction of your immune system to a drug. In many cases, your body is making antibodies to handle the offending drug, so it takes more than one dose to create the reaction. (Similar to bee stings, the first sting rarely is the problem. It may be sting #2 or sting #12 later on that suddenly results in a reaction.) True allergy symptoms may include skin rash, itching, hives, swelling of the lips, face, or, tongue, or even anaphylaxis (tightening of the airways/trouble breathing). Any drug can theoretically cause an allergic reaction, but some are much more likely to do so. Common medications to be allergic to include penicillins, cephalosporins, sulfonamides or sulfa drugs, NSAID’s (aspirin, ibuprofen, etc.), anesthetics (local and general), and IV contrast dye (contains iodine). Adverse drug reactions, on the other hand, are defined as any “noxious, undesired, or unintended response to a therapeutic agent.” Some are just pesky and annoying (i.e. nausea/vomiting, dry mouth, sleepiness) whereas some side effects may be more serious and require discontinuation of the medication (i.e. depression, double vision, cardiac arrhythmia). Adverse drug reactions are by

far much more likely to occur than true drug allergies. It is not uncommon for the physician or pharmacy to ask for not only your medication allergies, but also the reactions to them. An older patient recently stated they had a codeine allergy, but it turned out that the medicine made her feel “wonky” (a known side effect, not an allergy). In another situation, a young lady was asked about a previous antibiotic reaction and described her swelling as being “like the elephant man” (a true allergy). In both cases, recommendations were made to make appropriate changes. If a true allergy is suspected, there are several types of medications that may be used. For example, the physician may choose antihistamines (such as Benadryl – for rash, hives, itching), bronchodilators (such as albuterol inhaler – for asthma, wheezing), corticosteroids (may be taken orally or applied to skin), or epinephrine (such as Epi-Pen injector for anaphylactic reactions). In the event of an allergic reaction, please make sure to inform all of your healthcare providers of the change. It is crucial to have current information so as to not give similar drugs again. +

Coughing all night long?

Need a little extra holidayJINGLE?

Come by and in no time flat we’ll have you singing

SILENT NIGHT

ARKS

HARMACY

Hometown. Not big box.

437 Georgia Avenue, North Augusta, SC

803-279-7450

(This is Part 1 of a 2-part article.) Questions about this article or suggestions for future columns can be sent to us at cjdlpdrph@bellsouth.net Written for the Medical Examiner by Augusta pharmacists Chris and Lee Davidson (cjdlpdrph@bellsouth.net )

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

DON’T LICK THE BEATERS Useful food facts from dietetic interns with the Augusta Area Dietetic Internship Program

HERE COME THE HOLIDAYS by Carly Francis, Dietetic Intern

When you are working towards making healthy changes in your diet, the holidays can seem like a huge barrier on your path towards healthy eating. With so many holiday parties centered around food, it can seem impossible to stay on track. But with these simple tips, you can enjoy your holiday favorites guilt-free! Mix it up When you think of the holidays, if the first thing that comes to mind is baking, that’s okay! There are plenty of ways to still make your favorites, just a little bit lighter! Next time you feel like mixing up your menu, substitute 1 cup of mashed banana for butter. The banana keeps the consistency perfect while adding nutrients like potassium, fiber and vitamin B6. Don’t arrive on an empty stomach Planning on attending a holiday feast? It may seem like a good idea to save your calories for the big meal but don’t be fooled! By eating a healthy breakfast and lunch before the big meal, it can help you keep your appetite in check during the day. That way you aren’t starving by the time you sit down for dinner, and you won’t overeat. Stay Focused Have you ever had a full plate of food in front of you, only to look down a few minutes later and find it empty? Whether

AND WITH THEM, PLENTY OF TEMPTATIONS! you are eating hors d’oeuvres at a party or just snacking in front of your TV, chances are you were guilty of mindless eating. Mindless eating means we are consuming food without paying attention to what and how much we are actually eating. Most of us don’t overeat because we are hungry. We tend to overeat at parties because we become distracted while talking to family or friends, and next thing you know your food is gone without a second thought. Next time you have food in front of you, choose to focus on enjoying each bite. Portion Control Christmas only comes around once a year, so don’t feel like you need to restrict yourself from your holiday favorites. If you choose to indulge, that’s okay, but be sure to choose a smaller portion. That allows you to enjoy more choices while still not overeating. Overwhelmed by all the food in front of you? Take it slow and remember the MyPlate method. When you are filling your plate, be sure to fill half your plate with fruits and vegetables, with the other half split into grains and protein. If you follow this simple plan, it can make holiday dinners a breeze.

Prioritize Be picky about the foods you choose to eat! A coworker brings in holiday donuts but donuts aren’t your thing? Ignore the pull to grab one anyway. If you don’t love it, don’t eat it! Wait to indulge in the foods you truly treasure and don’t blow your calories on something you don’t enjoy. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to sample everything offered. Make it yourself Planning on going to a holiday party and worried about finding few healthy options? If you throw the party yourself, no problem. But if you’re going to family or friends, offer to bring a side dish, appetizer or a dessert so you have some control over what you are eating, at least for one dish. The host will greatly appreciate the help — and so will you. Go for the Greens If you are still hungry after you finish your plate (filled the MyPlate way; see above), get seconds of the salad or vegetables! Healthy veggies will fill you up and keep you from overeating. Leave the Table Once you finish your meal, leave the table! If you chose to linger, you may find yourself continuing to eat even after you are full. Enjoy the food and the company during the meal but once you are finished eating, offer to clear the table, help with the dishes, or take a walk! Focus on Family and Friends, Not Food The holidays should be centered around what you are thankful for, the relationships in your life. This holiday season, focus on spending quality time with family and friends and less about the food that sits on your plate. +

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

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THE DOCTOR IS IN Jingle Bell Rocks: Staying Stone-Free This Holiday Season

kidney stones, but there is no immediate role they can play in dissolving or shrinking existing stones. Patients who make pure uric acid stones may have their stones treated with medicine over a period of weeks, but these fluids simply serve to better hydrate us, that’s all.

by Darren Mack, M.D. As I write this article, I have spent the last 72 hours on call, for the most part performing surgeries to decompress urinary blockages for kidney stones that have passed into the ureters en route to the bladder. In addition to kidney damage, infections, and blood in the urine, the most memorable symptom of obstructing kidney stones is pain — often excruciating, unremitting, pain. A common post-op conversation patients have with me involves the question, “How do I prevent these things?” As the holidays approach with large family dinners, work parties, and football game tailgates, the last thing a stone former wants is to be calling for an ambulance at the first twinge of flank pain. Let’s start with the most important dietary tips that can help stone formers stay out of the hospital and the operating room. Adequate hydration – Many of us in southern culture have Diet Coke, sweet tea, or coffee at least once a day. Often the most convenient and popular drinks contain sugar, caffeine, and possibly oxalate, all of which promote stone formation. The usually recommended daily urine volume for stone formers is 2 to 2.5 liters of urine a day. Light

If you’ve never known why passing a kidney stone is such a painful and fear-inspiring experience, this photo might help.

yellow and clear or totally clear is usually a good indicator of adequate hydration. The best things to drink are noncaffeinated, non-sugary waterbased products. Excess animal protein intake – Animal proteins can be high in purines, which can be converted into uric acid, a strong stone promoter in individuals with gout. “Purine gluttony” is a major cause of uric acid stone recurrences, and the excess salt in cured meats promotes calcium excretion in the urine. The average American ingests 50% more salt than the daily recommended maximum, so this is one of the most difficult dietary changes to make. Do lemons/cranberries/etc “flush” the kidneys and prevent stones? In short, no. These liquids are good in that some promote urinary citrate, which inhibits

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Calcium – In most cases, dietary calcium intake is not a strong promoter of kidney stones. In fact, if calcium-containing foods are ingested along with oxalate-rich foods, the compound will never dissociate enough to be excreted in the urine and cause stones. Moderate intake of calcium is usually fine, and further metabolic testing can reveal more about the role that calcium plays. Here’s wishing you and your families & friends a happy, healthy, stone-free holiday season! + Dr. Darren Mack is a graduate of the Medical College of Georgia and is a urologist with offices in Evans David Russell Photography and Aiken. He may be reached at (803) 716-8712 The information provided in this article is not a substitute for an evaluation by a licensed health care provider.

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

From the Bookshelf The blog spot — Posted by Jordan Grumet, MD on Nov. 26, 2015 at kevinmd.com

BROKEN BY A THOUSAND TINY, THOUGHTLESS INSULTS It hit me today while on hold with an insurance company to get a preauthorization. The call took thirty minutes. The medication was denied. And I knew that I was going to get an earful from the patient when I delivered the bad news. As I dialed the phone number, a disturbing and yet all too familiar, feeling overtook me. Helplessness, powerlessness, impotence. I struggle with these feelings daily. In the beginning of my career, they were spurred by the complexity of disease, the willfulness of bad luck. Battling the human condition was a long, difficult slog fraught with trap doors and missteps. Many patients improved, but others suffered. And I often suffered with them. Years of practice brought a hard-earned humility, the wisdom of acceptance. I learned to rejoice when interventions were beneficial, and comfort when a kind heart was all I had to offer. I felt great peace in this middle ground. These were the battle scars that I carried proudly. My wariness was never a sign of failure; it was the toughness and patience developed by the skilled art of warfare. I wore my badge proudly. Yet these feelings have returned, even more powerful than before. My enemy, however, is no longer the thoughtful, wily adversary of the past. Instead of the foibles of humanity, I am harangued with a litany of administrative tasks with no trace of nobility. Preauthorizations, face to face, peer to peer, meaningful use, ICD, CPT. The list goes on. A long line of administrators, insurance employees, and government workers await my attention. They tell me that my care plans are incorrect. Improbable. Not covered. Out of the question. And as my blood pressure rises and my temperature boils, I see no silver lining. No lessons learned. I always expected that I would be bludgeoned by the aweinspiring task of practicing medicine. Not broken by a thousand, tiny, thoughtless insults. +

My enemy has changed.

Jordan Grumet is an internal medicine physician who blogs at In My Humble Opinion. He is the author of I Am Your Doctor and This Is My Humble Opinion, reviewed in a previous issue of the Medical Examiner.

Call 706.860.5455. Let’s talk ads.

Whenever the debate on climate change comes to the fore — in other words, nearly every day — there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with a scientific subject whose for-andagainst adherents are divided along political lines: by and large, Democrats believe global warming is a fact and Republicans think it’s all a hoax. Does that strike you as bizarre? That’s a little bit like left-handed people believing smoking causes cancer and right-handed people denying any link between the two. What possible connection could political affiliation or manual dexterity have to do with pure science? It’s no accident that we mention global warming and the carcinogenic effects of cigarette smoking, because they are two of the topics discussed in this controversial book. Its premise is exposing the scientists who, say its authors, deliberately sowed the seeds of doubt to cloud clear scientific truth in half a dozen or so areas ranging from acid rain to pesticides to cigarette

smoking and global warming. The smoking gun is clearest in the tobacco industry, which for decades paid supposedly reputable scientists to cast doubt on the clear causal link between smoking and cancer. As the evidence against smoking grew, the campaign to discredit the link did too, expanding out to ridicule conclusions of second-hand smoke research too. So effective was their campaign that some hardy survivors still exist today who believe there is no connection between tobacco and cancer. Well, to believe the authors

of this extensively researched book, big tobacco’s smoke and mirrors campaign isn’t the only game in town. Just when you think the scientific community has proven that global warming is an established fact, along comes a study that says, no, polar ice is growing at its fastest rate in decades. Urban sprawl is overtaking the planet and destroying habitat says one study. There are more trees in America today that there were in 1700 says the next. The hole in the ozone layer means the apocalypse is upon us, says the latest research, followed by another study which says there is no hole in the ozone layer after all. This book purports to expose why these topics are always fraught with conflict. In short, the story is that money can buy whatever results you want. It’s available as a book, an audio book, and on DVD (it was made into a movie). + Merchants of Doubt, by Naomi Oreskes and Erik Conway, 386 pages, published in May 2011 by Bloomsbury Press

Research News Teens: own your healthcare A national study conducted by the University of Michigan released earlier this week finds a lot of helicopter parenting is taking place in the matter of teenagers and their doctors appointments. While parents naturally want to know about and participate in their children’s healthcare, they are managing the visits in the majority of cases. As a result, ”teens may be missing out on valuable opportunities to learn how to take ownership of their own health,” say investigators. The study found teens discussed healthcare concerns with their doctor without a parent in the room only 34 percent of the time. 40 percent of parents say they alone —not the teen — would ask their doctor about health issues. Only 15 percent of parents say their teen independently volunteered to share physical or emotional issues with their doctor. Fewer than 10 percent of teens can complete their own medical

history without parental assistance. The #1 reason parents give for taking the lead at their teen’s doctor appointments is that the teens would not be comfortable discussing the issues — “which may stem from the fact that they aren’t getting much practice,” said the study. Low vitamin D = high risk A study released this week and published in The Journal of Foot & Ankle Surgery says low levels of vitamin D, particularly among active individuals, can increase the risk of stress fractures. Researchers were able to corroborate an earlier study of 600 female Navy recruits who were found to have twice the risk of stress fractures of the tibia and fibula with a vitamin D level less than 20 ng/mL compared with recruits with concentrations above 40 ng/mL. Vitamin D, obtained through diet and through the skin when exposed to sunlight, when deficient can also lead to osteoporosis, osteomalacia, decreased bone mineral density,

and a higher risk of acute bone fractures. Depressing news After reviewing data from nearly 150,000 pregnancies, University of Montreal investigators say that taking antidepressants during pregnancy, particularly during the second or third trimester, increases the risk of autism by 87 percent. The findings are significant in that six to ten percent of pregnant women are currently being treated for depression using antidepressants. Depression is a problem predicted to increase: the World Health Organization predicts depression will be the second leading cause of death worldwide by 2020. Moreover, autism has grown from a prevalance of 4 in 10,000 children in 1966 to 100 in 10,000 today. In the Canadian study, SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) were identified as the antidepressant with the greatest connection to autism. +

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

THE EXAMiNERS +

I heard you’re having trouble at your new job.

by Dan Pearson

So you still have that delivery job?

What? No way. Everything is fine.

Sure do. I deliver for Pecans R Us. What did you hear?

Your boss told me Duh. That’s what you were she pays me driving her nuts. to do.

The Mystery Word for this issue: DRULUNOTAS

EXAMINER CROSSWORD

PUZZLE

ACROSS 1. Marketing start? 5. Out 9. A jet has many 14. Vow 15. Drink to excess (archaic or poetic) 16. Evict 17. Former Atlanta team 19. Poetry part 20. Wicked 21. A Stupid person 23. Breathe with difficulty 25. Den 26. Type of belt 27. Like stolen goods 28. And so on 30. Original central character in Evan Almighty 32. Surgeon’s cut 35. Clear 39. Prepare to fire? 40. Raccoonlike carnivore 43. Model of sorts 44. 404 online 46. Medieval musician 48. _____ apple (former term for a tomato) 51. Knee injury (Abbrev.) 52. Furrow 53. Wreck suffix 56. Is often seen with stars 58. Benign tumor 60. Most new neighborhoods have one (or more) 62. The 15th (on ancient Roman calendars 63. Savannah is one 64. Write 14-line verses 68. Periodic (and temporary) hyphenation with President 69. Scottish Gaelic 70. Affirm with confidence 71. Work tables

18 21

45 48 55

46 49

VISIT WWW.AUGUSTARX.COM Click on “READER CONTESTS”

QUOTATION PUZZLE

31 35

All Mystery Word finders will be eligible to win by random drawing. We’ll announce the winner in our next issue!

Simply unscramble the letters, then begin exploring our ads. When you find the correctly spelled word hidden in one of our ads — enter at AugustaRx.com

43 47

51 57

72. Lacking excitement; dull 73. Sly or lascivious look DOWN 1. Witty remark 2. Exclamation of pleasure 3. The Augusta Museum of History has one 4. Remove hair with a razor 5. Oakland player 6. Grievous sorrow or distress 7. Tax Day month 8. Sycophant 9. More than two 10. A VP or CEO 11. Earth Day month 12. S maker 13. Slumber 18. Judges (with “up”) 22. Logical beginning, sometimes 23. At the same time 24. _______ system 29. Dove sound 31. One of Johnny Cash’s last

H S I S E I M L S D H A O E W S O N O I E S E W I S T H T L O E T T L T S H D N E D

Y E T H

hits 33. Image of a deity 34. SE Asian war zone, for short 36. Caustic 37. Lower portion of the small intestine 38. They have a call center in Augusta 41. Stroke abbrev. 42. Disposed 45. Clifford of Augusta 47. Focus of microscope 49. Augusta has two 50. Rubbed out 53. With land, as a many-____ park or estate 54. Devious craftiness 55. Supernatural creatures of folk tales 57. The music for a movie 59. Flower segment 61. Parking structure 65. DOD agency at Ft. Gordon 66. Zuider ____ 67. Get it wrong Solution p. 14

— Author unknown

DIRECTIONS: Recreate a timeless nugget of wisdom by using the letters in each vertical column to fill the boxes above them. Once any letter is used, cross it out in the lower half of the puzzle. Letters may be used only once. Black squares indicate spaces between words, and words may extend onto a second line. Solution on page 14.

X A M I N E R

7 9 4 2

1 6

U D O K U

DIRECTIONS: Every line, vertical and horizontal, and all nine 9-square boxes must each contain the numbers 1 though 9. Solution on page 14.

Use the letters provided at bottom to create words to solve the puzzle above. All the listed letters following #1 are the first letters of the various words; the letters following #2 are the second letters of each word, and so on. Try solving words with letter clues or numbers with minimal choices listed. A sample is shown. Solution on page 14.

I 1

1 2

1 2 3 4

1 2 3 4 5 6 L 1 2 1 2 3

S P 1 2 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 B A 1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5

B 1 2 3 4 5 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 W 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4

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THE MYSTERY WORD

DECEMBER 18, 2015

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

THE BEST MEDICINE ha... ha...

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” “As a matter of fact, it was.” Moe: I’m getting sick and tired of people pounding on my door and telling me I’m going to burn unless I’m saved. Joe: Yeah, but the flashing red lights on their truck were pretty cool to see, though. Moe: True.

man climbs to the top of a mountain and is warmly greeted by the guru who lives there. “I can answer any question you have, my child,” says the guru The man replies, “Oh, okay. Uh... where are my sunglasses? It’s really bright up here.” “They are right on your head,” says the guru. “So they are. Thanks.” says the man. “Well, I’d better get going. It’s a long way down, you know.” The man turns to leave, but the guru stops him. “Hold on just a second. That’s it? You came all the way up here to ask me THAT?” “Not really, but since you asked...” “What is going on down there? I used to get visitors all the time. You’re the first one I’ve had in 15 years.” After a brief pause the man says, “You don’t know about Google?” A husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife: “Someone from the Guyana Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.” Did you hear about the dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa?

Joe: My wife told me she doesn’t want me to do my imitation of a flamingo anymore. Moe: What are you going to do about it? Joe: I’m going to have to put my foot down. Moe: What rock band do Jehovah’s Witnesses like the most? Joe: I give up. Which one? Moe: The Doors. Joe: How do you make a cigarette lighter? Moe: I give up. How? Joe: Take out the tobacco. Moe: What do you call a smart pig? Joe: I give up. What? Moe: Swinestein. Herman the hypochondriac was sobbing to his doctor. “I’m sure I’ve got Avian Congestive Paralysis. I looked it up on Google.” “That’s ridiculous,” said the doctor. “If you really had that you’d never know it: with that ailment there are no symptoms of any kind.” “Oh no!” said Herman, “That’s exactly what I’m experiencing!” +

Why subscribe to the Medical Examiner? Because no one should have to make a trip to the doctor or the hospital just to read Augusta’s Most Salubrious Newspaper.

16 FOR ’16… from page 6 And children.” Let’s take exception to the first half of his observation, since our goal is to make our marriages work. As for the second half, while children are by no means a forgone conclusion, they do have a way of popping up in many families. Don’t ever allow yourself to believe the myth that quality time is just as good as quantity; that fifteen minutes of quality time is better than hours of just hanging out together. Treasured memories come from the most ordinary things. Another pernicious myth: that children are resilient and will get over a divorce. It’s the new normal, after all. That particular myth might be true in the same way that you would carry on after the death of one of your children. Maybe you would, but you’ll never be quite the same again. Kids are definitely affected, seriously and significantly, when families dissolve, and it’s

not a short-term affect, either. It is even worse when the breakup is all-out war, and that type of divorce is disturbingly common. The kids are often pawns in the battle between exes, used as bargaining chips in various strategies designed score a victory against their mother or their father. It’s a shameful thing to put your own children through. A better strategy is to work hard to make sure a marriage never gets close to breaking. People who have been married for years will often say something like, “It’s hard work, but it’s worth it.” Need help? There’s no shame in that. Talk to people with successful marriages. Ask people who have been to the brink and saved their marriage how they did it. Most of all, reestablish the partnership you had with your mate. As has been noted, one person can ruin a marriage, but it takes two to make it work. +

Serving the Medical, Dental and Education Communities since 1976 Visit us at any of our 5 locations or at www.hccu.coop 706-434-1600

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SUBSCRIBE TO THE MEDICAL EXAMINER By popular demand we’re making at-cost subscriptions available for the convenience of our readers. If you live beyond the Aiken-Augusta area or miss issues between doctor’s appointments — don’t you hate it when that happens? — we’ll command your mail carrier to bring every issue to your house! NAME ADDRESS CITY

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DECEMBER 18, 2015

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

THE MYSTERY SOLVED The Mystery Word in our last issue was: SURGEON

...cleverly hidden (under the sign) in the p. 10 ad for MAKERSON DENTAL Congratulations to DIANA WILSON, who scores a coveted Scrubs of Evans gift card, 2 movie passes courtesy of Health Center Credit Union, and a $20 Wild Wing Cafe gift certificate. Want to find your name here next issue? The new Mystery Word is on page 12. Start looking!

The Celebrated MYSTERY WORD CONTEST ...wherein we hide (with fiendish cleverness) a simple word. All you have to do is unscramble the word (found on page 12), then find it concealed within one of our ads. Click in to the contest link at www.AugustaRx.com and enter. If we pick you in our random drawing of correct entries, you’ll score our goodie package! SEVEN SIMPLE RULES: 1. Unscramble and find the designated word hidden within one of the ads in this issue. 2. Visit the Reader Contests page at www.AugustaRx.com. 3. Tell us what you found and where you found it. 4. If you’re right and you’re the one we pick at random, you win. (Winners within the past six months are ineligible.) 5. Prizes awarded to winners may vary from issue to issue. 6. A photo ID may be required to claim some prizes. 7. Other entrants may win a lesser prize at the sole discretion of the publisher.

The new scrambled Mystery Word is found on page 12

SENDING US A CLASSIFIED?

EXAMINER CLASSIFIEDS HOMES, APARTMENTS, ROOMMATES, LAND, ETC.

SERVICES

POND VIEW! Evans all-brick 2-story with solar panels. Avg. electric bill $170 in Northwood, 3,400 sqft. Call 1-800401-0257, ext. 0043 24/7 for price and details. HOUSE TO LEASE 2 bdrm, 2 full baths, fenced yard, hardwood throughout, screened porch, room for garden, sunny windows, close to Summerville and downtown campuses $750/mo 706-2317697 AUGUSTAGAHOMESEARCH.COM Foreclosures • MLS • Builders • Rentals (706) 564-5885

HOUSE CLEANING Your house, apartment, rental move-outs. Thorough, dependable. Weekly, or whatever schedule you prefer. References. 706.267.9947 BIBLE BY PHONE - Free daily Bible readings; for Spiritual Encouragement and Growth. Call 706-855-WORD (9673) F. E. GILLIARD, MD FAMILY MEDICINE Acute & Chronic Illnesses Occupational Medicine PROMPT APPOINTMENTS 706-823-5250

MISCELLANEOUS HOUSEBOAT FOR SALE Tradewinds Marina, 30 minutes from Augusta. Live at the lake - or have a second home there with NO grass to mow! Recently upgraded. $65,000 Text me at (803) 640-9732 for pics HILTON HEAD For sale: Hilton Head oceanfront timeshare, 2 bdrm, 2 bath, first week of March. $990 OBO. More info: (706) 738-2292

FOR SALE An elipitical in excellent condition. Asking $100.00. Please call 706-306-4666 KING-SIZED bed frame with rails, dark wood, some surface scratches but overall very good condition. $90 Call 706-3730193

WANT TO BE HEALTHY? (Energy, weight loss, mental clarity) Go to gethealthyat.le-vel.com See video and Facebook. Sign free as customer. BEING PAID WHAT YOU ARE WORTH? Then make more money! Watch movie all out interview: ExtraMoneyInterview.net CEMETERY SPACES (2) Sunset Memorial Gardens, Graniteville SC adjacent to lighted military flagstaff, includes granite bench with urn space, installation and inscription. All $4700 ($8600 value). Spaces only: $2700. Call (803) 295-3033 FISHING CLUB wants more grey-haired members. Meet 2nd Thurs of month at Harbor Inn Restaurant, 12 noon. “Adventure Before Dementia” Info: (706) 736-8753 or (706) 829-1729 PET CARE in Martinez-Evans area. Dogs to 40 lbs, $9.00. Cats (1-3), $9.00 For interview/information, phone 706-829-1729

ANTIQUE maple dinette set with buffet

Thanks for reading the Medical Examiner! THE PUZZLE SOLVED

USE THE FORM BELOW AND MAIL IT IN, OR GO TO WWW.AUGUSTARX.COM AND PLACE & PAY CONVENIENTLY AND SAFELY ONLINE. THANKS!

WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?

Augusta Medical Examiner Classifieds

(OURS IS COFFEE)

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING FORM Name Address Work number (if applicable) ( ) Home phone ( ) Category of ad (leave blank if unsure):

corner cabinet table with pull-out leaves. Four chairs with two captain’s chairs. Excellent condition. $300. Double bed early 1930s with mattress spring coverlet shams $150. Call (706) 860-2170

M A S S O A T H T H R A E V W H E E H O T I N C I L O A D E R R O L A G E C U L D R I V E E L E C D E S K

A T H L E T I C

W A Y O P E S E R S I I M Z L A E C N S O N O A T R M I O V E A B A R S E S A C R S O N T E R S S D E A

S E V B E I R O A L I N S C L L I I D N E E D

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H U C I D R O L E T R E L R U T P O M A E S T I Z E A V E R L E E R

SEE PAGE 12

QUOTATION

In case we need to contact you. These numbers will not appear in the ad.

QUOTATION PUZZLE SOLUTION: “He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless still dead.”

AD COPY (one word per line; phone numbers MUST include the area code):

— Author unknown .25

.50

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The Sudoku Solution

COFFEE IS GOOD MEDICINE

(Copy this form or continue on additional sheet if more space needed.)

Send this form with payment to:

AUGUSTA MEDICAL EXAMINER, PO BOX 397, AUGUSTA, GA 30903-0397 Total ad cost by number of words as shown above: $

7 9 4 2 5 8 3 1 6

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The Augusta Medical Examiner publishes on the 1st and 3rd Friday of every month. Your ad should reach us no later than 7 days prior to our publication date.

DECEMBER 18, 2015

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

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PROFESSIONAL DIRECTORY DERMATOLOGY

ALLERGY

Tesneem K. Chaudhary, MD Allergy & Asthma Center 3685 Wheeler Road, Suite 101 Augusta 30909 706-868-8555

CHIROPRACTIC

Karen L. Carter, MD 1303 D’Antignac St, Suite 2100 Augusta 30901 706-396-0600 www.augustadevelopmentalspecialists.com

Resolution Counseling Professionals 3633 Wheeler Rd, Suite 365 Augusta 30909 706-432-6866 www.visitrcp.com

Steven L. Wilson, DMD Family Dentistry 4059 Columbia Road Martinez 30907 706-863-9445

EMPLOYEE BENEFITS

FAMILY MEDICINE F. E. Gilliard, MD Family Medicine 639 13th Street Augusta 30901 706-823-5250 Industrial Medicine • Prompt appts. Urgent MD Augusta: 706-922-6300 Grovetown: 706-434-3500 Thomson: 706-595-7825 Primary Care Rates

CALLING ALL M.D.S!

MEDICAL MASSAGE Medical Massage Stuart Farnell L.M.T. 803-646-1846 jsfarnell@att.net www.FarnellClinic.com

Roger M. Smith, M.D. 820 St. Sebastian Way Suite 5-A Augusta 30901 706-724-3339

Steppingstones to Recovery 2610 Commons Blvd. Augusta 30909 706-733-1935

Group & Benefits Consultants Inc. 3515 Wheeler Rd, Bldg. C Augusta 30909 706-733-3459 Floss ‘em or lose ‘em! www.groupandbenefits.com

Jason H. Lee, DMD 116 Davis Road Augusta 30907 706-860-4048

Ideal Image 339 Furys Ferry Rd Martinez 30907 1-800-BE-IDEAL • www.idealimage.com Schedule a FREE Consultation

OPHTHALMOLOGY

DRUG REHAB

COUNSELING

Dr. Judson S. Hickey Periodontist 2315-B Central Ave Augusta 30904 706-739-0071

Georgia Dermatology & Skin Cancer Center 2283 Wrightsboro Rd. (at Johns Road) Augusta 30904 706-733-3373 www.GaDerm.com

DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICS

Evans Chiropractic Health Center Dr. William M. Rice 108 SRP Drive, Suite A 706-860-4001 www.evanschiro.net

DENTISTRY

LASER SERVICES

PHARMACY Medical Center West Pharmacy 465 North Belair Road Evans 30809 706-854-2424 www.medicalcenterwestpharmacy.com Parks Pharmacy 437 Georgia Ave. N. Augusta 29841 803-279-7450 www.parkspharmacy.com

SENIOR LIVING Augusta Gardens Senior Living Community 3725 Wheeler Road Augusta 30909 SENIOR LIVING COMMUNITY 706-868-6500 www.augustagardenscommunity.com

...SENIOR LIVING

Cornerstone Compassion Center 420 Warren Road Augusta 30907 706-228-5359 or 706-394-6518 Assisted Living • Personal Care

SLEEP MEDICINE Sleep Institute of Augusta Bashir Chaudhary, MD 3685 Wheeler Rd, Suite 101 Augusta 30909 706-868-8555

THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE Centered in Georgia Diane Young L.M.T. 4488 Columbia Rd Martinez 30907 706-251-2244

VEIN CARE Vein Specialists of Augusta G. Lionel Zumbro, Jr., MD, FACS, RVT, RPVI 501 Blackburn Dr, Martinez 30907 706-854-8340 www.VeinsAugusta.com

WEIGHT LOSS Medical Weight & Wellness Specialists of Augusta Maycie Elchoufi, MD 108 SRP Drive, Suite B Evans 30809 • 706-829-9906 www.mwwsAugusta.com

SUPPORT YOUR PRACTICE - AND THE MEDICAL EXAMINER A simple listing in the Professional Directory is less than $100 for six months or less than $200 for an entire year, and puts your contact information in front of 30,000 readers a month. CALL 706.860.5455 TODAY AND BE IN THE NEXT ISSUE

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

DECEMBER 18, 2015