Infants Are Asinine

April Fools 2021 Breaking News: Infants are Asinine

— McCartney Fix, Ryan Gosling Fanaatic

In a stunning new piece of research published by Oxford University, the long held belief of babies as intelligent beings was challenged. Lead researcher Dr. Preg Nancy, revealed that human beings under the 18 month threshold are in fact just ridiculously stupid, to an extent that is “truly not even funny.” “They are actually just like insanely stupid,” Nancy said. “Like it is a miracle most babies even survive.” The study was performed by putting a number of 18 month old children through trials in order to test their survival instincts. One test had researchers poking the babies with sticks, noting that 90% of children did not respond, while 10% emptied their bowels. A group of people all asked if the study was secretly just an excuse to hit literal infants with sticks, but the researchers have yet to respond to these allegations. Another test involved putting children in a pantry full of plentiful canned goods, enough to last the average human months. It was found that most babies could not even grab proper hold of the can opener, let alone use the incredibly convenient piece of machinery. Another group yet again asked if this experiment was secretly a plot to starve children, receiving no response. Immediately upon the release of the results there was an outcry from those pamper wearing patrons who found the research to be misleading and deeply offensive. One such individual was Jim Jefferson, who in spite of his name, I am assured is not a 75 year old man. “Goo goo gaa gaa mommy mommy” said Jefferson before peeing himself and being swiftly escorted off the premises. Another such dissenter was Twitter user Karen Solittle, a mom who assures us her kid is “honestly so emotionally intelligent for his age,” and “truly understands issues of great geopolitical significance.” When asked for a comment, Karen immediately blocked the official Courier Twitter account, to which the Courier no longer has the password after SOMEONE LOST IT KELSIIIIEEEEEE!!!! In response to this outcry, fellow research manager, Dr. Adop Ted, released a written response some found to be deeply patronizing. “What if we hit those stupid babies,” Ted said. “What are they going to do fight back, oh wait they cannot because they are babies.” Yet again, a focus group asked about Ted’s letter simply remarked that he was perhaps bitter about his unfortunate name, given that he himself is an orphan.