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T1;le GEO Fights for Change

BY KEVIN COONEY

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N DREARY FEBRUARY, MOST students wouldn't mind having classes cancelled , Nevertheless, the fruitless negotiations between the Graduate Employees Organization (GEO) and the administration will not result in any off-days for quite a few months, if at alL On February 1, GEO's contract with the university expired without a new contract to replace it, A bargaining extension has ensured that the negotiations which began on October 31 oflast year will last until at least February 15, In the following week, GEO members will receive strikeauthorization ballots, which will be tallied on February 22.

As can be seen from this schedule, a strike can be averted in many ways.

Even if the negotiating teams fail to agree by the fifteenth, they could pass another bargaining extension. Or, if that fails, the GEO members might vote not to authorize a strike. Or, if the strike is authorized, it could still be averted, because a strike-authorization ballot only grants the union the power to call a strike - it does not force the union to engage in one.

The last strike began on Februaryll,1975,lastinglessthanamonth.

The result was the first GEO contract. The most recent 'contract dispute was over health care in 1993.

After the strike-authorization ballots were tallied and 83 percent voted to empower a strike, the administration signed the ninth GEO contract.

37 proposals are on the table - 8 of which have been signed. Two of those signed proposals are rather unremarkable in that they require the university to conform to federal laws regarding the Americans with Disabilities Act and the Family Medical Leave Act respectively.

Aside from gaining the same photocopying access as faculty, the GEO

3

The Insensitive Ponytailed Guy

Gene skewers the Internet Decency Act and trashes politicians like he's never trashed anything before.

has successfully negotiated two rather per term. This salary yields $3532.08 weighty proposals. The first changes after taxes. The estimated cost oflivthe title "Teaching Assistant" to ing in Ann Arbor is $4623.72, accord"Graduate Student Instructor" (GSl) ing to the Office of Financial Aid. - - -- - - - -- - - -- - - . _ _ Thus, the disparity between cost and earnings is $1024.33 persemester, or roughly $256 per month.

GEO has proposed that such GSls receive a living wage, a wage at which the cost ofliving is offset. This proposal translates into a raise of $484 per semester in the first year, $408 in the second, and $444 in the third. Or more simply, salary increases of12percent, 10 ,p ercent, and 11 perWin the dispute shut do"" classes? cent respectively. Their The second guarantees benefits for reasoning is that GSls can provide same-sex domestic partners. better instruction ifthey are not forced Among the yet unsigned proposto take a second job to support themselves. als, class size and affirmative action issues are underscored by the GEO The administration counters that and downplayed by the administra路 a living wage is simply not a factor in tion. The class size proposal would the determination of GSI salary inrequire departments to confer with creases. It proposed an alternate inGSIs when determining the sizes of crease in the minimum full-time salary of a GSI by the level that it grants their sections. The affirmative action proposal is noteworthy in that it deto the average tenured professor in fies the prevailing winds of the LSA. This means that GSI salary conservativism. In a year that saw increases could vary from nothing at the dismantling of higher education all to a 4 percent increase. affirmative action programs in CaliWith such chasms between the fornia, the GEO proposed ajoint GEO/ salary proposals, it is not difficult to U-M committee that would have as understand why negotiations have its purpose the gathering of data on lasted so long. And with the issue of patterns of hiring discrimination and the living wag~ , a percentage wage the scrutinizing of departments in increase so large that it would make the University in which discriminaeven the most generous soul flinch, tion seems to occur. and in spite of the numerous possiBut towering above all of the unbilities of reconciliation, it is fairly signed proposals is the proposed sallikely that a strike will begin in early ary increase. Currently, ,a GSI workApril. If such is the result, then deing 17 to 19 hours per week (the most spite all the GEO's posturing, the common appointment - though by undergraduate students would be the no means the only) will earn $4040.80 real victims. l\R

From Suite

Lost in the

4 One

6 Eighties

Opening the Presidential search, a look at the Allianc Four Justice, the ongoing Clinton saga, and more.

Publisher Ben Kepple takes Qn invigorating and venemou$ look at today's news ~ia Allrigtnyi , "

Alliance Four Justice

By EVAN KNO'IT

T

HE ALLIANCE FOUR JUSTICE, a student-led coalition of Universityminority students, has addressed the University community again after its first press conference several weeks ago. Comprised ofleaders from the Black Student Union (BSU), Alianza, the Native American Student Association (NASA), and the United Asian American Organization (UAAO), the Alliance formed last October out of mutual frustrations expressed by members of the four groups. The Alliance first confronted the University with an open letter expressing concerns and demands it believes should be addressed within the campus. Then, on Monday, February 5, the coalition invited all members of the University community to engage in a session directed toward answering questions about its demand~ and gathering support from other students and student-led organizations.

With a strong turnout ofUniversity students and members from the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) and other minority organizations, the Alliance also had hoped to meet with President James J . Duderstadt.

Former UAAO chair Johnny Su stated that the Alliance had tried to meet with the president on several occasions, but were unable to schedule sufficient time to discuss all of its concerns. Members of the administration have just now begun to acknow ledge and consider the demands put forth after the Alliance's first press conference and its placement of signs renaming various University buildings with names of minority activists

14 Issues

Forum.

Should GEO members be entitled to increased pay and benefits, or are their claimes unjustified?

See ALLIANCE DEMANDS, Page 9

Living

18 Culture A look at Ken Bums' upcoming projects, the future of science fiction, and original poetry await you.

{( i

" 17,

2

THE MIClflGAN REVIEW

February 14, 1996

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o SERPENT'S TOOTH,

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The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "The govemlTl8ft Is the enemy of the people.'

Recently Gargoyle magazine, the campus excuse for a humor mag, took a shot at the the Reviav in its "Letters" section, In :reply: '"Dear Garg, It's too bad that was the only thing that was :remotely fwmy in the entire issue.

Sincerely, Serpent's Tooth Michigan Review"

firm AI Gore has been in touch with Walter Mondale concerning employment opportunities for Vice Presidents serving under inept Presidents.

THE BEVlBlJ'8 TOP TEN UST OP THlNG8ll'DD1AND8 FROMTBE U-M.

At a press conference in Washington, D.C ., French President Jacques Chimc denied rumors that the next target of French nuclear tests would be ships operated by Greenpeace.

Recently some reasoning-impaired individuals used e-mail to forward a list of racist jokes posted to Jhe Internet two years ago, with annotations conveying outrage that such a racist post existed, to all of their friends , The apparent point was: "We're outraged that this horrible example otracist filth exists, and we feel that it should never be forwarded on email- here, have a copy!"

In a:recent issue of the Daily, columnist "Jordan Stancil," if that is his real name, a:iticized Republican presidential candidate Steve Forbes.

"Stancil," displaying his intellectual prowess, trashed Forbes for such significant and crucial thin,.gs as being a "geek" and not "being qualified" or "having any experience" for the job he was seeking. Funny, neither one. of those criteria seemed to keep the Daily from allowing "Stancil" to be one ofits columnists.

Bumper sticker seen: "RE-ELECT CliNTON AN ExCUSE TO HATE THE GoVERNMENT FOR FOUR MORE YEARS"

Anonymous White House sources con-

ALw.lIcE POOR

HAVING Bmf INSPIRED B'f 'fflE

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10. ~ G1toft COOIt To Caul Pollen in evezy single room (II aunplil.

9. Bring Vice PreUlilt for Student AfJiin Maureen IJ.a.rtfurd up under the Cole fur clwge! ofviolatiDgatudenta' civil rights.

8. Expel her under Regent'. Bylaw 2,01 finl 7. 'l1l.eDail, ahould be t8lloved. hn aunpua far violating that new Telecommtmicatiou DeeenqAd. 6. Fnmnowon, i.atinolLatina" mutbe mitten fully inatead fiaLatinola'; II it lIIat hard to write the ertra aLa tiD·'111 5. The Dail, &lid the RevUw get to IIIritch office" t MBA PreDientFlint Wailleu either getn clue cr geta all of office.

3. Don't ever let Hillary "Rodham" Clint.cm a.uywhere Deal C8.IJIfCIJ ever apin.

2. The.Raritflgeta lo.;liDndentadt'lIillary, DO mpattarW.

1. ~ Pizafar ewr,mel

DROVING PHafOGRAPHER

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MUSIC EDITOR: Ora• .,.,. copy EDITORS: Anthony Will, Tom JoIIfe AOVERTlSIHG MANAGER: Eddie SangUlllruang COMPUTER CONSULTANT: MIrk Welt

LITERARY CRIT1C: BII Ahrtnl PHOTOGRAPHER: u.. WlGner STAFF: ...... AcIdeI, Jot ArCiero. Devorah Adler,

Aaron a.m.m., Kevin Cooney, DlvId Dodhenhoff, Jennifer Ferta, CaIYln Hwang, Even Knoll, Ben Lwol, Rodeen Rahber. Don Robinson, Craig Rogonkl, MIcMeI Whelton .

EDITOR-ft..LARGE: JImM A. RobertI, II EDITOR EMERITUS: N_ JImison PUBLISHERS EMERI11: Eric lMaon, Aaron SteelmIII The Michigan Review Is an Independent, now rtlOIthly sIOOerHun journal d classical ileraI and libertarian 0pinIon at the Unlversly d t.lchlgan. We neilher soIicI nor .accept rroneIary donations from the Universky d Michigan, and have no resped IOf anyone thai does, especIaIy MSA PresideIt ~ Wailess. We also have no respec:l1or people who cal themselves "revolutlooarles," and II that same tine reasstie the pubic that they are not cuttI1g pemnel1ll Pf(98IT8, to mere~ reducing thei ndes d growth. ~l ·> "·

by Usa Wagner

What would you give Hillary Clinton for Valentine's Day? Lucienne Roe

Evan Knott

Re, Senior

LSA, Freshman "Estrogen. »

orA cast-iron corset; but she

EDITOR-If-CHIEF: MohM Krllhnlll PUBLISHER: Ben)ImIn Kepple MANAQINQ EDITOR: a.orr Brown ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER: PIt Ea• • CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: Gene Krau •

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UnsIgned e<itIIIaIs repleS«d 1he opinion d the edIorIaJ board. Ergo, Ihey are unequHocab/y cooect and Just.

SIgned articles and C8ItOOnS represertJhe opillons d \he author and not necessarily those d the Review. The" opiIlons preserUd In this publcalion are oot necessarily Ihoae of the adv«tIgers ~ d the UnIveraIy d MchIgan (and In the lJ-Ms case, aren'I). We welcome leiters and articles and e/ICOII"age corrmem abW the joImlI.

aub8cf1lIIon 1nqui1es 10: Associate Publisher, rio the MichIgan Review. AI actiertising Inquiies should be directed to: Publisher c/o the MIchigan RevIew.

Please address an

EdIlorIII And B....,... ornc.:

Sultan.

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"A clue.»

.The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 ,~,

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February 14, 1996

3

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o THE INSENSITNE PONITAILED GUY

From the Bow.els of Congress

'N

BY GENE

KRASS

ow I KNOW THAT THIS isn't as vital to the well-be~ ing 9f our nation as who won the Super Bowl, but last Friday, President Bill Criminal signed into law the soon-to-be-declared-unconsti tutional Internet Decency Act, which is part ofthe broad Federal Telecommunications Act. This disgusting law makl!s it a crime to transmit material across the Internet that the all-knowing wise council of elders on Capitol Hill deems "indecent," "'obscene," or any other term that would enhance their image as being "tough on pornography." The inherent foulness of this piece of legislation is made even worse by the fact that it was enacted in the first place.

Let's make no mistake about it.

This act is not the product oflawmakers who sincerely care about the wellbeing of our children. It is not a result of the careful planning that we expect of our Congress but have yet to see.

Nor is it an honest overreaction, a "'well-intentioned" mistake, or the result of human error. It is an evil scheme concocted by evil, lying politicians who take great delight in seeing how many of our rights they can take away before we notice what they're up to. It is the blatant neglect of the wishes of those who actually know a thing or two about cyberspace. And, worst of all, the bipartisan support of this malicious law represents the demagoguery of the Republicans as well as the Democrats -+- both ofwhich have the gall to preach "small govern~ ment yet toss out at us more regulations such as the decency act.

And if any of you think, after reading the first two paragraphs, that I'm just some sicko who's whining about how he won't be allowed to get free Internet porn anymore, consider that under this act, the author of any homepage containing various profani~ ties could be punished by a fine and jail term. No, I'm not a porn enthusi~ ast, but I find many college humor sites very humorous indeed. There exists no one, I hope, who seriously believes that the maintainers oisuch homepages deserve to go to jail, regardless of what type of language they use. And anyone who is, by virtue of my opposing this one act of government, prepared to compare me to an anarchist militia wacko might as well stop reading right now.

The problem with this act is not As you have probably rwticed, Gene is bitter and angry about the Decency Act, even more oitter than usual! ..

that it is very likely to remain in themselves. Their campaigning on the many people are turning their effect. Joan Lowenstein, a lecturer in Internet certainly qualifies them as a homepages black out of protest, but the Communication Department who part of the Internet community. Yet why is that only being done after the teaches a course on freedom of exso far, of the many Internet users in fact? On one hand, Congress clearly pression, predicts that it will. be deCongress who, being familiar with ignores the wishes of the general pubclared unconstitutional. Unlike , - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - , what cyberspace really is, opposed a 1978 Supreme Court case inthe act, only two have followed up by volving a George Carlin radio changing their homepages to a black broadcast, the Internet involves background in protest. They do not no question of a captive audiseem to be going on the defensive as ence. There are numerous ways assertively as, say, the Democrats kids could be kept from seeing after the November 1994 elections. material their parents do not True, Pat Schroeder is leading a battle wish for them to see. There ex~ against the provision of the act that ists, for instance, Surfwatch, a bans transmitting information about program that simply blocks one abortion (a legal service, so there's no from accessing sexually explicit question about the blatant unconstisites. Lowenstein also added tutionality of this provision), yet she that several state attorneys still voted for the indecency part of it. have said that they will not enThose in Congress who oppose this force the Internet Decency Act despicable law should act as if they really mean it. should it ever pass.

I keep telling You I didn't order any decency act The real problem with this ').~ -, And where are all ofthese groups act is that it was signed into law in the lic; on the other hand, they are, after now? If they indeed could not have first place. The availability of techall, politicians. Public opinion influforeseen this act, t,hey could at least nologies such as S~atch was over~ces theirs, and there seems to be no show some concern now. Where is the looked by the politicians. The fact limit as to how often they flounder on spirited discussi()D.? The. Michigan that the two major parts of the Teleissues just to get votes. With that in Daily ed.itorial?The rally on the Diag? communications Act - deregulation mind, it seems almost impossible, An out--of-eontrol government is no of the broadcast industry and regulagiven the overwhelming opposition to s~al1issue. I mentioned the passage tion of cyberspace - blatantly conthe act, that it passed. Maybe the .of the act to an acquaintance on the tradict each other was overlooked by opposition just wasn't overwhelming day it happened, and he asked, "So?ls enough. . that good or bad?" Then he put his the politicianS. The initial opposition to Senator Jim "Big Brother" Exon's Part of the blame lies with the blindfold back on.

Before any of you begin thinking first proposal to regulate cyberspace small but increasingly prevalent of ways to defend the government's was overlooked by the politicians. In "techie" subculture (a.k.a. computer actions against my accusations, stop, freaks). Many of them value the Net the end, it becomes apparent that no clear your minds, and try to be your thought at all (outside of protecting for its technology only, while comown devil's advocates. Try to imagine political image) went into this act. pletely ignoring the political issue of what would have happened if the censorship. Yeah, they can devise new The fact that the overwhelming maInternet Decency Act was voted down jority of those familiar with the issue and ingenious ways to keep the govand you were now reading a red-hot wanted the Internet to remain the ernment from tracing their invective calling for its passage. Are last unexplored, unregulated frontier homepages, but that is no reason to you imagining? Do those of you who of sorts was actively ignored by the ignore the insidiousness of the act. currently buy the government's probureaucratic hemorrhoids who played Then there are the executives (and paganda about protecting children the same "kids shouldn't be exposed future executives) who use additional, now see yourselves defending its decito porn" tune without sufficiently costly Internet services like America backing up their decision. But that's sion not to engage in censorship? I Online and Compuserve to get the okay. Too difficult to actually argue in latest business news, organize their rest my case.

To conclude, I invite everyone to favor of this act? Then spew out the finances, and check on the stock marusual rhetoric - something is bad, ket. They seem to be more concerned at least discuss the issue. Discuss therefore regulate it - and people whether it will really protect chilwith how much America is worth on will fall for it. dren. Discuss the political process in paper than in the way it is actually Of course, Congress is not the general. Discuss whether or not this run. Any non-business section ofthe only entity I blame for this spontaneInternet might as well not exist. See column makes me sound like an arroous, uncalled-for intrusion on our gant prick. But discuss something, no evil, hear no evil. for the government feeds on apathy.

N ext we have homepage rights. Some of the blame has to fall on the people's shoulders - not only maintainers. I have been told bypeople It was already in your pockets, bedfor electing the hypocrites to Conthat there was indeed a lot of protest rooms, and bloodstreams. Now it ex~ gress in the first place, but for not on the Internet, but none of the many tended itself into your computers.

Where next? Your attics? Your jewprotesting enough beforehand. Whatdifferent homepages I have visited since I discovered cyberspace about elry boxes? Your bathrooms? Only ever did happen to that petition that was being circulated last year? I surf nine months ago had a link similar to one thing will get them to stop intrudthe Net quite often, and, at least in the current blue ribbon. A permanent ing upon us. It can be discussion, my eyes, the initial fervor to Exon's fixture like that just might have told protest, or simple awareness of the politicians that opposition to the act idea died out in a major way. Where issues. But it cannot take the form of was the so-called "'Internet commuwas not only temporary - which it blind trust, apathy, or apologies. Ifit nity" last week when the voting on the certainly seemed to be. does, legislative insanity will flow unact was taking'pl~ce? It'!,! nicethat.so Finally w~ ll.ave the .politici~~ . remittin~ly. Mt

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February 14, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o FROM SUITE ONE

....,.

Open Presidential Search

F

OLLOWING PRESIDENT JAMES DUDERSTADT'S ANNOUNCEMENT that he would be stepping down at the end of June to return to the engineering faculty, it became necessary for the regents to mount a search for a new U-M president. The regents set about seeking input from members of the University community and the public at large as to the qualities they expected to see in the next person to lead the U- M. Concerns arose surrounding the issue of whether or not the regents would obey the Open Meetings Act. A court ruling in 1993 showed that they did not do so in conducting the last search, which resulted in the selection of Duderstadt.

The regents finally decided, after conducting several forums and discussions inside and outSide the University community, to create an "advisory" committee, which would, with the help of a private consulting firm recently hired by the regents (an act that, in and of itself, was unprecedented) interview and "recommend" candidates to the Regents, who would then, presumably, narrow the list and finally make a selection. The regents decided that the committee would be composed of a number of faculty members and administrators and only two students, one graduate and one undergraduate, selected by Provost J .

Bernard Machen. It also was decided that the advisory committee would conduct closed meetings.

The issue of who will be the next president is vital to the U-M community, andinparticular, to students. Thus, students should have greater representation A on the search advisory committee. It is hard to imagine a situation in which two _ Ill\. students would be able to effectively represent the interests of the ' entire ~ student body in a group in which they are vastly outnumbered by faculty and administrators-t)Vo groups who have in the past shown that their interest in students' concerns is dubious at best. It is almost certam that having only one INCE RACISM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE ON CAMPUS, graduate student and one undergraduate student on the committee furth;r Alliance Four Justice reasons, the University'should spend millions of weaken the influence of students' interests, as one undergraduate student dollars, overhaul its administrative system, and forcibly take command cannot be expected to fully understand or convey the positions of all of the ofprivate companies over which they ~~ye no legal authority. The University, variety of undergraduate students on campus, and likewise for the graduate . representative. The University exists for the students (in fact, itwould not need Alliance CQntinues to reason, should d~ this every time an ill-prepared~ ad-hoc to eXist were it not for students, one might argue) and not for the benefit ofthe group of radicals compiles a lengthy list of demands and holds a public forum. regents, faculty, and administrators. If the University ttuly values student At their forum, the Alliance requested that Trotter House be greatly expanded and that more cultural centers be established on campus. While, on input, as it claims to do, then it should allow more student representatives on the advisory committee. the surface, this promotion of culture seems to be exactly the furthering of Another issue surrounding the search advisory committee is the decision knowledge the University has a duty towards, the application of even cursory that the committee will meet in secret. The regents claim that this decision is logic shows this to be infeasible at the present. First, buildings, especially ones not in violation ofthe Open Meetings Act, stating that the Act allows committees tailored to these demands, neither grow on trees nor appear spontaneously on of a purely advisory nature to meet in secret so long as they only have the power the streetside. They are expensive. However, Alliance conveniently forgot to suggest a funding method. The University is spending millions on the buildings to compile a list of candidates and not to make any cuts from the list. They it is erecting now, and since alumni have already given more than generously further claim ~t this decision was made to protect the confidentiality of the to pay for them, it is foolish to eXpect without end donations to pay for more candidates, who,might find their careers in jeopardy ifit were discovered that buildings. They also demand increased funding for minority services, guaranteed they were being considered for the University post. First of all, it seems rather funding for minority groups, and the creation of new academic departments. absurd to think that a person's job would be injeopardy for being considered by a presidential search committee. Second, it would be difficult to determine In addition, they list among their demands many things which the University whether or not the committee was operating in a purely advisory manner if has clearly placed at the top of their priorities. These are demands such as their meetings and activities are allowed to be conducted in secret. increasing minority faculty numbers and evening the gender-gap in University positions, things well exemplified by the Michigan Mandate, which was the Further casting doubt on whether or not the committee is only acting in an advisory manner is the fact that the regents hired, at significant expense, a flagship of President Duderstadt's administration. They fail to realize that the private consulting firm to work with the committee. It seems unlikely that the inherent barriers that prevent the meeting of these goals extend in scope well beyond the sphere of power the University maintains within the nation as a regents would spend such a large sum of money on a consulting firm and only whole. It is innefectual, at the least, and often counter-productive to continually expect it to compile a list of names without making any decision as to which berate the University administration for problems in America that they clearly names were worthy of consideration and which were not. The Open Meetings have little ability to solve by themselves. By ignoring the real problems that are Act was enacted for a specific reason: to prevent public institutions such as the U-M from conducting business without the knowledge of the taxpayers who entrenched in the minds and hearts of Americans, the Alliance can only be classified as a noise-maker - an organization that cannot be expected to be a support it. The regents seem to be going to great lengths to find ways to subvert the Act rather than allowing the public access to information that should be a part of the solution to the very problems they cry against. matter of public record.

Here lies the most unacceptable facet of the Alliance. Within the folds of their demands rest Some suggestions which should be heeded. They urge The regents need to remember that the U-M, above all eise, is here for the certain offices, for instance, to open hiring searches to the public, and publish students. The students, therefore, deserve the right to not only be informed of hiring practices. Interspersed within their demands are pleas for increased the presidential search process, but also to participate in it directly. The U-M student participation in policy, for accountability on the part of the University, is a public institution, and must allow the press and the people of the State of and for autonomy of student-run groups. These demands are mantras which Michigan their right to access information concerning the search. Conducting every student should echo - these are things which are necessary to protect the any part of the selection process in secret is a violation of the rights ofstudents interests of the student body. Unfortunately, clouded by shouts of racism and and the people of this state. Apparently the regents have chosen to ignore the open displays of ignorance, these things will never be heard. previous court ruling that stated conducting their previous search in secret was That is why the Alliance is a menace. That is why it must be destroyed and illegal. This brazen ignorance and defiance of the law is troubling, and should replaced by an organization of competent activists armed with well-researched not be permitted to continue. The U-M needs to abide by the law and our rights . .. , ,,, " " . , ,-. in this presidential search,. Ml ' . ideaS'wid a sincere desire' to better the University. Mt -Mohon Krishnan

0 COMMENT'

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Alliance Four Justice: A Menace Two Society

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February 14, 1996

5

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW -

o FROM THE BRANCH OFFICE

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Statism and Speech

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HE USE OF LANGUAGE CAN BE A POWERFUL TOOL OF persuasion. Its use, however, can border on the menacing, for the skilled .' yet disingenuous speaker may use it for the purposes of deception. To the detriment of individualltberty, it is this latter use that members of the government have invoked over the course of this century, creating artificial public support for themselves and, ultimately, an expanded role ofthe state, Since its establishment in the "Magna Carta" of 1215, the right of free speech has become one of the cornerstones of liberal, Western civilization.

Indeed, the right to express oneselfthrough the means of speech is fundamental to any free society, for this ensures that the state will not hold a monopoly over information and knowledge. A society in which free speech reigns is one in which members may exchange in the proverbial "marketplace ofideas," trading the knowledge that will direct and improve their lives. This trade of knowledge is essential to liberty, for it allows individuals to determine their own destiny.

Without the right to free speech, the state, by means of censorship, would gain control over such information, influencing or perhaps determining the lives of its citizens.

It is for this reason that the use oflanguage holds such power, for those that control its usage will hold the greatest degree of influence over society. Thus, under a system of free speech, no one element of society will gain control over the market of information, for millions of linguistic transactions will comprise it. Only if free .speech fails to exist will government gain this control over information; the existence of this right precludes the state from exercising such power. Consequently, free speech is essential to liberty, because it serves to lim_~tthe role of.the state over the people.

Under the Constitution, the First Amendment prevents the United States government from abolishing or controlling the exchange of speech in America.

As a result, the United States appears to coincide with the' aforementioned condition under which a free society may thrive: it guarantees its citizens the freedom of speech, allowing them to determine,the future of society . Yet those in government have devised an alternative tt'.umner in which to manipulate the market of information: Instead of outnght ah9lishing the freedom of speech, those ingoverrimentha:ve presented, rather aggl-e88ively~ideasj)ftheir own, presentations that often are deceitful, so as to gain some thtluence over the thoughts of the polity. In short, the government cannot abolish free speech, so to combat its effects, it has entered the market itself.

President Bill Clinton's recent State of the Union address serves as an illustrative example of this. During the speech, the president audaciously declared, "The era of big government is over." He then continued his speech, calling for the implementation of 14 new governmental programs, including an increase in the minimum wage and further mandates on private individuals.

More recently, Clinton submitted the outline of the 1997 budget, calling for the government to spend $1.64 trillion. Clearly, the policy proposals of Clinton do not match his more libertarian rhetoric, and one can only assume that his proclamations concerning the end of big government are words intended to serve some politkal purpose. Indeed, Clinton has demonstrated the deceptiveness of governmental language: He has attempted to gain support for a statist agenda by camouflaging as a proponent of smaller government. This he sought by entering the market of ideas, using the phoniness of speech to gain support.

This use of deceptive speech to gain support for the government is not unique to Bill Clinton; instead, the state has shown a pattern of this throughout the twentieth century. Like Clinton, President Franklin Delanp Roosevelt attempted to jq.stify the implementation of the New Deal by appealing to liberty. During the Red Scare of the 1950s, many demagogic politicians sought support for their conservative views by exaggerating the threats of communism in America, to a point where individuals were truly fearful. Mote recently, the government, during the Persian Gulf War, participated in a great deal of propaganda, appealing to democratic values justification for the war. These events, while occurring at different periods of this century, hold one thing in common: They are examples of how the state has used deceptive language to gain support for its own interests.

While such action on the part of the government does not directly abolish one's right to free speech, it does constitute a type of state-supported speech that is equally threatening to liberty as an outright ban. This is the case because the state, through itS interjection into the market of ideas, has attained the de facto power to influence debate through its own deceptive language. To prevent the state from increasing its own power, it must remain neutral concerning such dialogue. Only if the government takes this action will the American people enjoy the benefits of true freedom ofspeec~,~ ";:, ), , . .,~~ ''''

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o COMMENTARY Bombing Suspects Deserve Fair Trial /

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T TOOK A WHILE, AS IT USUALLY DOES IN AMERICA, BUT Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh, the suspects in th~ ., Apri1 1995 Oklahoma City bombing, are almost set to go to trial. The last obstacle to the actual trial is the question of where to hold it. The prosecution wants to hold the trial right in Oklahoma City, so that the victims' families can attend. The defense wants to move the trial to another state, where emotions are not as high. Looking at all of the circulnstances, I must with the defense.

As soon as McVeigh and the Nichols brothers were identified as the main suspects, the media, taking time off from the O.J. fiasco, ran story after story on the growing militia movement with which the three were associated. Right away, it became apparent that the entire movement, rather than the individual suspects, were to go through the obligatory media trial. The capacity to commit terrorist acts was projected onto everyone associated with the movement, and eventually onto anyone who argued for less government. The militia fervor gradually slowed down, qut Nichols and McVeigh remain as two of its symbols.

In no way, I should add here, am lout to explicitly defend the suspects, their character, or the militia movement. These militias range from gun enthusiasts to outright racist lunatics. Various opinions abound as to where Nichols and McVeigh fall on that spectrum, but the evidence does not stand in their favor.

Their guilt, though, should be determined by evidence and not character. It is their actions, not their views, that are on trial. In the public's eye, however, the two are as good as guilty.

The right to a fair trial is not just some word-of-mouth right made up by bleeding-heart liberals, but in fact has legal precedence. In 1966, in Sheppard v. Maxwell, the Supreme 'C ourt ruled that Dr. Sam Sheppard, who was convicted and sent to jail in 1954 for murdering his wife, did not receive a fair trial due to the overwhelming abundance of publicity before and during the trial. In fact, newspaper headlines essentially proclaimed that he was guilty long before the actual verdict. Although that case involved no bumper stickers, t-shirts, or instant celebrities, the public's confidence of the defendant's guilt dwarfed that of the O. J. Simpson trial. Sheppard was subsequently acquitted of murder, and, in fact, the case was recently reopened when it was found that a man now serving time for murder used to work at Sheppard's house.

To date, I cannot recall a defendant in any highly-publicized trial who has not been convicted beforehand by the general public. The McMartin family (whose case was dramatized in an HBO movie), William Kennedy Smith, Michael Jackson, and the Clinton family were pronounced guilty. The Constitution guarantees a "speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury Qfthe State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed." Legal precedent, however, allows for a change of venue (Rideau v. Louisiana) for excessively publicized trials. If McVeigh and Nichols will be tried in the presence of the victims' families, not only will they not receive a fair trial, but their safety may be in danger.. Remember, they h~Vi~~t.Qeen..conllicm.y~.. l.\IJi.l L, ,-:-;-Gene 4I;~ ~.

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6

o LOST IN THE EIGHTIES

February14,l99S-

THE MICinGAN REVIEW

The Obtuse Mass Media 11.1

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

M

ILLIONS OF AMERICANS read newspapers and watch

nightly news programs daily.

But many more of them are apparently gathering their news from other 8Ourcee, such as CNN and Internet news sources. Statistics show that the viewer ratings for the Big 'Three news programs are all down, and that newspaper subscriptions have been falling. Snoe Americans are wealthier and better educated than ever before, this must obviously point to the fact that something is wrong. But what?

There are many out there in the world who claim that not all is swell at the nightly news programs and at the newspapers in this nation. Many have noticed and proven that the content of the nightly news programs are biased towards the left in noticeable ways. To a lesser extent, this affects newspapers a8 well. '!hese networks preeent a distorted view oflife to their viewers that portrays the news departments' views of how the world works, not how the world actually works. What i8 even worse is that many of theae news Shows present their opinicmated, manufactured news as representativetof how the basic American on the street thinks. The problem is is that the basic Americans to which these reporters talk to - g08h - convieniently of the same political leanings. I think they pull them out o( Grand Central station eomewhere, and quiz them about thoee really important topics that really aren't all that important to the Americans out there who have to worry about how to pay the bills every month.

As journalists, these people not only have the responsibility but the obligation to present the public with true facts. 'Ibis doesn't seem too hard to do. When you get a news report from the AP or" Reuters that you're going to present on the nightly news, you don't inteIject your own personal slant in it. You just take the basic facts present and transcribe them.

Back in the 1960s, newscasters sat in one room and read the news, just like that. My question to the news media shall be simply quoted from one of my favorite movie characters, Andy DuFrane: "What? How could you be so obtuse? Is it deliberater Instead, what we do get from the news media in our nightly news tends to be pre-chewed neW8 items read in

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these caustic, rich, alanning tones of across the land heard about "'!he voice by Dan Rather. It's enlightenGreat Democratic Comeback". Nightly ing to watch the news and see where news programs sized up election races a liberal smear campaign can take and yes indeedy, there was a Demoplace. Consider Newt Gingrich. IT you cratic comeback.. '!hey made lots of take a look at all the clips in the neat ~lephone polls of 1,054 Regisnightly news media (you know, those 27 second long sound .:-:::1 bites that deliver little to no .:;;:-=-:;, . meaning?) presenting Newt, ~ . , I: and this was your only basis to form an opinion of the man, I you would find him to be alTOI { ,~ gant, brash, and thoroughly ~ annoying. You would also find his policies dangerous and a threat to everything good and decent, just like Dano. Meanwhile, those who knew of Gingrich's career before he became Speaker would see a good lawmaker and House ; Minority Whip who was instrumental in holding off as much Democratic idiocy as he a., reading his copy of the Deily at lunch. could, and1:.hat most of his CWTent policies make relatively gooo tered American Voters and these consense. Not all'Ofthem, but most. Even finned that there would be a Demoif they didn't agree with that position cratic comeback.. on the issues, they would know about Right. Sure. .' . the man pereonally and know that he I also find . it interesting how was not 80mekind ofdemagogue bent nightly news programs tend to present on preserving American civilization those dreadful "human interest" st0hi8 way or no way, but rather someries. It's bad enough they give us 20 one who feels strongly about certain minutes of lousy reporting and preissues. Another great clip I saw on chewed news, they then waste 10 CBS, actually, showed former Associminutes oftim.e which they could have ate Attorney General and convicted spent reporting something important, felon Webster Hubbell answering like world and national news. Instead, tough questions from the Eeeevil we get to learn about the Issue of the Whitewater Senate Committee, and Day. When the health care bill came apparently Webster got just a bit sick. up, the human interest story was for and tired of answerin' all these damn the most part, health care. What is questions from the Senate. '!he one more disturbing is that these stories clip that was shown had Webster dein themselves tend to have a liber8l nouncing the investigating commitbias, by focusing on the truly bad side tee. Now look.. What they don't tell of the health care system (for the most you is that this man is a convicted part, the cost) while not looking at the felon. He's currently in jail for a 1'00good side of it.

BOn. This guy is not exactly angelic But the cancer of bias has not just and he has plenty of jokers that he injured the nightly news; newspapers would love to hide. What does this themselves certainly fall victim to it. show the people who don't have the While many papers have editorial time to watch every single minute of sections where they can gripe and Whitewater (insert crisis music again) express their own views, this tends to coverage? '!hat the Senate investispread into the news section as well, gating committee is a disgusting, evil and this is not a good thing. As an construct of doom out to punish norexample of such biased reporting, I offer the Detroit News' covei'age of the mal law abiding citizens. Because unless one is really interested in polistrike against its' paper. Even I will concede that its' reporting on this tics, no one bloody knows who this guy is. And the media takes advanissue is totally in favor of the company. But wait, there's more. Take a tage of that reality by biasing their look through the news sections of any news. of your local papers and look for bias 'The media also seem to be in some from to left (very often) or to the right kind of unofficial collaboration with the Democratic National Committee. (on occasion), and you will find many A few weeks before the sweeping 1994 an article written, especially on po,' 7.P.>~oJl8l :el¢J.Q1#:~Ametican'8 litiea}issues, that ,.d.~':P:t s~ to

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mesh well with reality. '!hese articles

are occuring with more and more frequency.

What really bothers me is that the news media pass this off as a sampling of "normal everyday America and how normal everyday Americans think," when 90 percent of the country holds views different or remarkably different from their own.

One ofmy favorite iruMmces was when during The Government Shutdown (insert crisis news bulletin music here) ABC sent out a team of reporters to see what people in America thought.

For ..some odd reason, and one that truly did surprise the reporters, a vast majority were pleased that the government shut down.

"Excuse me! What did your customers think about the possibility of the (insert crisis music) GOVERNMENT SHU'ITING DOWN?" said the Washington based reporter.

"Shut it down!" said the owner of the diner on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

"Shut it down??" responded the confused reporter.

"Yep." I assume that immediately following this exchange the reporter must have assumed that the world had gone mad or something. '!his is just one example of where same Americans (about 15 percent) really think that shutting the government down is a major issue, and where most Americans (that other 85 percent) could care less whether the government would shut down. At the Review, we opened a bottle of champagne.

The government shutdown is one great example of where the mass media are simply out of touch with America, but yet they pass themselves off as being close to how real Americana think. Right. Sure. And I would . pose again DuFrane's question. How could you be so obtuse? Is it deliberate?

Is it deliberate? It would seem to appear so. It is truly a shame that the American public can not get accurate and meaningful coverage of the news from the mass media. However, there is always that great emotion of hope that tells us that someday things will change. Until the mass media present their news objectively and without bias, they will not be serving their public. And if they do not serve the public, the public, in the words of that old James Taylor song, "weu, a steamroller baby I gonna roU on over you." will do so as they realize alternate news 8Ou:rces are out there.

To BlllVive one must adapt. Let's see if the mass media do, and let's see if we can get real news' agaiif: Ml

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February 14~ 1996

7

THE MIClnGAN REvIEw

o CURRENT AFFAIRS

10< _ _

Cut a Budget Deal,.\>ut not with Clinton

BY DAVID DoOENHOPP

T

HE REPUBIJCAN EFFORT to reach a balanced budget agreement with President Clinton has foundered on one critical point: the president does not want to balance the budget. ~ claims be does, but while talk is cheap in American politics, federal programs, the mothers milk oftbe Democratic Party, are not. In trying to discern the president's true motives one must follow John Mitchell's dictum on Richard Nixon: "watch what he does, not what he says." So what kind of commitment has Clinton shown to eliminating the budget deficit? In the first year of his administration he proposed an unnecessary $16 billion dollar economic stimulus package that Republicans in the Senate thankfully scuttled. In the second year of his administration he offered a health care overhaul that would have added $135 billion to the deficit in its first ten years. In the third year of his administration he proposed a budget showing $200 billion dollar deficits into the next centwy. He also campaigned against the balanoed budge~ amendment and the bipartisan Penny-Kasich $100 billion deficit reduction bill. These are not the actions of a man looking to balance the books of the government.

Granted, in the summer of 1995 Clinton did introduce a ten year. balanced-budget plan, apparently chastened by the previous ~s election results. Unfortunately, the plan was based on spending and revenue estimates developed by his own economists at the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), and not by the non-pa.rtisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO). When CBO re-estimated the Clinton budget, it found that the plan produced cumulative deficits ofnearly $2 trillion ~ver ten years. This put the ~sident in a difficult position. He had pledged to use CBO numbers in his 1993 State of the Union address, proclaimjng them more accurate and less politically tainted than those from OMB. But if he used CBO's estimates he would have to rome up with an addi1ional $2 trillion in spending cuts. Eventually, this prompted Clinton to profess his renewed faith in OMB's numbers.

The president kept up this rosyscenario charade during the rest of the summer, into the fall, and even into January of this year. He contin-

ued to use the questionable OMB numbers in assorted revised budgets, even though the CBO routinely pronounced those budgets hundreds of billions of dollars short of balance. As he continued to run this racket he also began to berate Republicans for wanting to "decimate" Medicare, "destroy" Medicaid, and generally make life hell for widows, orphans, and the disabled.

Republicans denied this, pointing out for example that there was only a one percent difference between their savell-year Medicare totals and the president's. They also begged Clinton for an honest budget based on real numbers, but the president saw the poll numbers moving his way and so continued to declare his commitment to balance on his (bogus) terms, and continued to cast himself as the protector of cherished programs.

Finally, in the first week of January of this year, Clinton proposed a seven-year balanced budget based on CBO numbers. The plan avoided any meaningful entitlement :reform, however, ensuring that the budget would reach balance only in year seven and then drift back into deficit(unllke the RepublIcan plan; which achieved StJr.. pluses after year seven). It .a180 delayed the bulk of deficit reduetiOJ,1 until 2001 and 2002, the last two years of the plan. by which time the cuts required to achieve balallC'A would be drastic and Clinton would no longer be president. Plainly, the president's commitment to a balanced budget remained about as meaningful as his commitment to Lani Guinier.

In spite of all his duplicity, public opinion polls show the budget battle to have been a big political boost for Clinton, who gets credit for wanting to balance the budget and for fending off the fanatics in Congress. The Republicans, trying to do the right thing, have paid a heavy price. And for all their trouble they still do not have a budget agreement.

To paraphrase the only inspiring thing George Bush ever said, this ~otstand.Fortunately,Republi­

cans still have time to bounce back, balance the budget, and sudt the wind out 0{ Clinton's sails. Their first move should be to convene one final set of budget meetings with th, president.

When Clinton displays his typical inc.liJ:ference to a meaningful agreement, the Republicans can atljoum the meet. ings, very publicly stating that the president appears not to want a balanced budget. Republicans then David. Dtxknhoff it a graduate stushould go to the Congress and strike dent in political science and a sw.ff whatever deal they have to with modwriter for the Re~ew. . \ • ' erate and cona&l"\i'ativeDemoorai8>t& !·

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achieve a veto-proof majority for a seven-year budget plan. The only non-negotiable portions of that plan should be these: the plan must include some sort of family tax cut; it cannot include any tax increases; and it must protect national defense.

But would such a deal not violate the terms of the "Contract with America?" 'Ihe answer is no. 'The Contract only promises a balanced budget, lower taxes, and a strong defense.

It says almoSt nothing about specific spending or tax cuts. But might not Republicans end up with a deal laden with concessions to congressional Democrats? Y68, they might. And isn't that worse than no deal at all? Not on your life. With no deal the Republicans will be making excuses to voters in the fall: "SalTY we couldn't balance the budget as we promised. And by the way~e're not extremists, no mat. .ter what the president says." With a budget deal the Republicans will be ma§ing ... this case: "We balanced the budget just as we said we would,and we did it without gutting defense and without raising taxes. In fact, we even managed to provide some pretty m.ean-

ingful tax relief And now that the budget is in place you can see we're not 'extremists.' Do you see any widows or orphans or toxic waste out on the streets? Of course not. Are you still getting your Medicare and school lunches and Medicaid and student loans like we said you would? OfC01.U'8e you are." And this is the best part: "We did this ourselves. The president didn't want to balance the budget. He was standing in the way of the change you voted. for in 1994, so we took charge and delivered. And we did."

Of Course, Clinton will try to C»opt the deal, claim it reflects a movement toward his priorities, and so on.

But Republicans will be able to argue quite accurately that his only role was to block progress for more than three years, and then attach his signature, reluctantly, to legislation for which Congress was responsible. That is a message that will keep Republicans in control of Congress and propel them back into the White House in the upcoming elections. Once thatis finished, they can finally do the right thing, and balance the budget properly, ~ year. Mt

We believe that the Code, the UniversitYs poIiQl for students' non-academic rights and responsibilities, should be abolished because it is a blatant and unacceptable violation of the civil liberties of students at ~M. We hope you feel the same way. In order to "convince" the University of this, it is necessary to take away from it what it values most highly - money. We ask you to join us in pledging not to donate any money to the U-M through such funding drives as MPact and the Senior Pledge, until this blasphemy against American values is eradicated.

-------------------------

II, , pledge that I willi :not donate any money to the University or: IMichigan's funding drives until the Code oft :Student Conduct is abolished. : I I I I

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:Complete and detach this form and send it to the Review at: I ~verse Pledge I I 911 N. University, Ste. 1 I Ann Arbor, MI 48109

: or, e-mail it to us at mrev@umich.edu. If you have any:

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February 14, 1996

9

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Alliance Demands

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Bill & Hillary: The Road to ..,. the Blg House

Washington Witch Doctors

by S/qIItm Cox

The Search for Ayn Rand by l.e$lu H. Hllnl

Paranoid Fantasies of the Far Right

reform, and discovers that nothing has changed.

Plus more great writing, along with the incisive cartoons of Baioo, John Bergstrom, and James Gill; the piercing wit of "Reflections"; the wonderful weirdness of "Terra Incognita"; the latest book reviews; and more!

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"Double Guaranteel We're SI.) confident you'llUke we've made subscribing risk-:-ttee. You are protected by our money-back, double-guarantee detailed in the' box below.

And now we're offering a special subscription rate for fulltime students - just $12.50 a year. That's 36% off our usual subscription price, and an incredible 48% off the newsstand price!

L~ty,

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...Send to: Liberty, Dept. MR2, P.O. Box 1181, Port Townsend, WA 98368 . .

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ethe immediate establishment ofethnic specific cultural centers. ecreation of Latinnla, Native American and Asian American Studies Departments. e accountability on the part of our present and future administration. e an increase in the number offaculty and students of color. egender parity in all hiring. eguaranteed funding for student of color organizations. eguaranteed autonomy of the Center

'

In addition, they make the following demands ofthe University as a whole:

'

ebe overhauled and restructured. ebe held accountable for their funding sources. eseek more input from students of color.

noted that the Alliance wishes to see each demand met, some by the end of this term. Furthermore, the Alliance asserts that participation and support from the University community will play an integral part in achieving its goals. Although there is no set date for its next forum with the public, the Alliance Four Justice plans to meet with members of the University soon.l\R Comments and suggestions can be sent to the group via email. at 4justice@umich.edu.

bylolrn~ ./ Liberty stays true to the American principles of individuRoger Ebert for President? al liberty, personal responsibiliby Bill K/zujfmlm ty, and the right of families, communities, and businesses to be Dying for Fascism in Bosnia free of the heavy-handed interby Brya.n ....Iaandu vention of the state.

Is p.e. Really a Myth? ./ Liberty is always skeptical of byltSuWalm politicians, exposing those who talk about limited government on Act Today! ( " W/Int Li~ 1i11tS, 1hD'r is n~ ~lIlnd. · -Itlgmum Sldn!]! ) the campaign trail but vote for Liberty offers you the very more spending in Washington. best in libertarian writing and ./ Liberty is open to intelligent wri ting populist delusions; thinking. So don't hesitate. Call from every individualist point of view, • "The Witch Doctors of Capitol Hill" 1-800-854-6991 instead of hewing to a single party line. - Stephen Cox explains why only anthrowith your credit card information or use That's why Milton Friedman calls Liberty pologists can really understand the budthe coupon below. To qualify for our stu"a lively, idiosyncratic publication, often get war; dent rates, include a xerox of your stupresenting fresh and original comments," • "The Executioner's Errors" - Lester and why Cato Institute president Ed Garrett tells the stories of men sentenced dent l.D. with your order. (Non-students: Crane says Liberty is "intelligent, lively, to die for crimes they didn't commit; call for subSCription information.) and refreshingly free of dogma."

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_

Their demands for the Ethnic Task Forces are that they:

What Makes Liberty Work?

,

eincrease their focus on the retention of students of color. e address the lack of etbnic-6pecific representatives. ehold open searches for all positions. emake public its hiring procedures. etake the initiative and lead the push for more faculty of color. ehold itself accountable to student of color organizations. e allow student grou:ps to retain autonomy when dealin~ with it. erestore and increase the Student Academic Multicultural Initiative.

Tired of the humorless, selfimportant, cliche-spouting statism that dominates politics and universities today? Looking for an iconoclastic alternative?

Then you're looking for Liberty, the probin~provocative, sharp-tongued,. !thd witty libertarian bimonthly. Independent and irreverent, Liberty never compromises its defense of personal freedom - and never stops bursting the politicians' bubbles.

~

They ask that the Office of Academic and Multicultural Initiatives:

funded Trotter House, a building unknown to many minority students.

During the conference, the panel openly answered questions regarding its demands and encouraged students to provide input and support for the coalition. Concerns among members of the audience included participation of other minority groups and the GEO with the Alliance, priorttization of its demands, and the timeline over which it hopes to meet each demand.

Steele stated, .cwe definitely want the most expensive things," but also

The Joy of Liberty IL~°bertyI

"

eestablish more desirablerepresentative positions. ecreate an MSS student advisory board eincrease and restore a $2,000 discretionary fund per representative. eprovide and increase services to student of color organizations. eprovide the necessary renovations and funding for the Trotter House.

"

They ask that the Office of MultiEthnic Student Affairs, composed of both Minority Student Services (MSS) and the William Monroe Trotter House:

BSU speaker Sherise Steele stated that minority students couldn't even get a solid response from a service office for minority students after asking them "What do you do for minority students?" Members also added that organizations for students ofcolor wishing to meet in a safe space usually were confmed' to the under-

~

on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The demands put forth by the Alliance point to a number of concerns regarding minority student retention rates and lack of funding and facilities for student ofcolor organizations. The following is a list of many of their demands.

for African and African Amen"c't1 Studies library. ethe re-establishment on campus of the BakerlMandela Center.

~

Continued from page 1

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, -THE -MiCHIGAN REVIEW

February 14, 1996

o SATIRE

New Look,' Same Product .:

J;-;r'"

The president looked at Jerry. ment with one of the people that had that this might cost money. Students "Maybe. Let me call my lawyer." might actually want to use the few been in the Workgroup. The Jerry asked the Code question useful services they provided more Workgroup had formerly been a group ''HEYYOUKID!''SHOUTED again. The president furrowed his often. And that would mean that lTD consisting of the people who m!lde the the three DPS officers in could no longer print customized mailCode and made it nice and vague and brow. unison, running after the ers! That would mean they couldn't "Not having one might hurt our without any principle. It also was tall, shaggy, green t-shirt-dad stugive administrators huge raises! The paid by the University to develop the accreditation?" dent who apparently was acting plan wSj scrapped. Instead, Jerry shook his head. strangely. they did a direct mailing cam"Can 1 get back to you on this?"

"Like, what's this all about, officpaign to students,faculty, and Jerry left the office feeling deers?" said the student . .The student jected. The president never called him staffabout the Code and didn't was tired and had rings under his bother telling them about any back, and time wore on. February eyes, yet seemed oddly cheerful. turned into March. Jerry did fun enof the aforementioned useful "I'm afraid you're going to have to gineering projects. Jerry and George services. And this is why come with us," said the head DPS George and Jerry now had continued to study the Code. officer, hand on gun.

"Sanctions, sanctions .~: Service, hundreds of pamphlets.

"WHAT? I'm not going to ... like, educational projects, University HousAfter giving the pamhey! What are you ... ZOINKS! HELP! ing removal, Ludovico's technique, phlets to several of those anSCOOB!" cried the student as the shock therapy, imprisonment, connoying people who hang out DPS officers angrily beat him. finement in Angell Hall Construction near the Union and the bookGeorge and Jerry were standing, Zone, forced readiIig of Letters to the stores and hand out coupons, shocked. George could have sworn he Daily .. . aw, man! Oh God!" said a George and Jerry ran into the had seen this some place before. As he fearful Jerry as he ate his Subway Union. While there, they got was thinking, one of the other officers Super 96 cent Meatless Meatball sub. caught on the "UP" elevator walked over to them.

George ate a prepackaged burger. instead of "DOWN" and had "Excuse me, sirs. I'm afraid that Later that month, the 6.rst(forced) I'm suspending you under Regents to ride the ele,:,.ai<>rgoingfrom W...., there',. Code In mylOUP' public trial of the Code occurred. It floor one to four and back " Bylaw 2.01. Leave!" was ... well, you know how Code trials Code that satisfied nobody, and that again. This wo~d have been toler"What?!" cried George. "You can't able, except that they got caught in was the whole of"student input." Jerry . are. suspend us under Regents Bylaw 2.011 "Well, now that we've made sure the elevator with two members from muttered; "Can we say Conflict of Only the president of the University can do that!" the jury is the way we want it, let's the 'AATU, one from the IFC, three Int~rest?"

The third officer came over to deal from MSA, and one from University have our trial. I mean hearing," said George just shook his head. with any trouble that the other offithe judge at the Code trial, grinning Housing. By the time George and Jerry "Excuse me," said Jerry, politely. cer, who was armed with large popuevilly. "Will the officers present the finally made it to Wendy's, there was "Could you explain to me why we need lation control weaponry, might not be a veritable fight to the death taking evidence?" a Code that is niore extensive than able to deal with from these obvious place in the MUG lobby.

Officers Joe and Bill arrived, grinfederally-mandated guidelines rehooligans. The third officer came over ning, with a report fresh ofIthe com"Free mandatory student health garding Codes ofNon-Academic Conand put his hand on the officer's shoulcare for all! Vote Michigan Party! puter. The judge looked at it with an duct and that makes our lives a living del'. "Face it, Joe! It's not going to evil grin and handed it to the jury.

AAAAIIIEEEE! !!!! ...." hell?" work! This one's sharp. Not like those The student jury looked at it and and Jerry got their Spiffy "Because!" said the person in the George other 14 people.~ grinned. "GUILTY!!"

New Dave'sft< Bacon Reduxft< Delux6ftf Workgroup, who was more interested Officer Joe narrowed his eyes.

The judge looked at the defenSpecial Sauten< Grill Combo meals in getting into a good law school than "Well, you're right, Bill. By the way, dantstemly. "Citizen! For your crimes and sat down, poring over their copies talking with Jerry. son, we've got to distribute these copagainst this poor, defenseless,-insipof The Code ofStudent Conduct. Jerry "Because!" said the angry TA that ies of The New Code of Student Conidly evil person who brought you up began to get angrier and angrier as he Jerry interviewed, who was more induct. Have some." under the Code, I sentence you to read. George was amused and threw terested in getting his papers graded "I don't want any!" cried Jerry. reading ALL the incoming letters to bits of kumquat from his sandwich at than talking with Jerry.

"Hey! What are you do ..... OWWWW! the editor of the Daily for one week."

Jerry.

"Because it's tradition!" said the MY LEG!" "NO! YOU CAN'T! I'VE GOT "This Code sucks! It's vague. It Dean of the College that Jerry be"Jerry! Just take a pamphlet!"

KIDS!" cried the defendant. has no principle. It isn't even coherlonged to, as the dean put on his tie for said George. ' "Yes! THAT!" laughed the judge. ent! It路 contradicts itself, invokes ex the grand alumni donation dinner "But my leg ... ."

Three days later OeorgeandJerry post facto reasoning (see subparts J that night.

George and Jerry went to the got e-mails announcing a protest and M and the infamous Welch case), "What .i n hell do you want? No!" Union. They had been given approxiagainst the Code. At this point, they it gives all the power to the vicesaid the pfesident of the University, mately 732 copies of The Code Is Your realized that after spending an entire president for student affairs, and it . . . before Jerry was able to ask any quesFriend, The All New and Improved year protesting, politicking, and pleadit ... AAAAACCCHHHH!!" said Jerry, tions. ing, nothing at'all had changed. Mt fuming.

Code of Student Conduct, We're One "But I haven't even asked what I Big Happy University Community, "I hope this realization isn't new," wanted to yet!" said JetTy. ' r-I----~----------, Serve and Obey, and similar propasaid George, picking out the sauteed "I suppose you've. got some kind of CONS ERVATIVE ganda from the Office of Student Consquid from his burger. demand you demand that 1fulfill right ' flict Resolution, a section of a division "Well, I'm going to do something now!" screamed the angry president, of the Office for Student Affairs. Many about it!!" cried Jerry, rising up and turning a shade of beet red.

WANTED: Spring interns for the in the administration had wished for shouting to the assembled crowd in "No, actually I don't!"

Lansing office of GOP the Office for Student Affairs to be the eating area of the Union. "DON'T The president looked at Jerry, "more visible," but then they realized CODE ME!!!" displaying a funny expression. "You State Representative.

The crowd looked at him strangely don't? You're a student here, right?

'-- Unpaid, Credit available -Ben Kepple feels strongly that Steve for a second, and then continued to And you don't have a demand?"

Forbes should be President ... my eat.

Jerry looked back."No, but could Cali (517)"373-0843 God ... it'~ ~~~..yor~,.-: 'l:~l~/~"" ''':t\#~tU~''''JQ~N\' ~", . IYOU answer some questions?"

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

GOP

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February 14, 1996

11

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

I>'~

DSATlRE

Beginner's

Guid~.Jo

Valentines Day

spending a romantic day of love and Step Three: After the scars from Anyhow, I get many questions bliss with that special someone. Or if your do-it-yourself organ sale heal, from people (okay, they are actually a ELL, IT'S VALENTINE'S you don't have a special someone, it is and you regain consciousness, you bunch offigments of my fevered imagiDay. Again. Sure, we all a day of sorrow and bitterness, and should proceed immediately to the nation, but they're real to me, so know what that's supposed phrases like, "Who needs [OPPOSITE mall or equivalent place of business, they're real enough) related to what to mean. It's a day oflove, in both a SEX HERE}, anyway?!?" I've been in you're supposed to get platonic sense and the more deeply both situations. But you might ask (or that special someone for spiritual context, or some kind of crap you might not, but who's writing this, Valentine's Day, and like that. huh?!), "What is so special about Valhow to just have a happy At least that's what people are . Valentine's Day in genentine's Day? I mean, why do we need always trying to tell you . They make a special holiday to remember the eral. These people, in it seem like this big deal, and it's ones we love and treat them espeasking me, are obviously designed to endow some heightened cially nice; why not do it more often quite desperate. But I sense of spirituality, when in reality, than just once a year? Where did figured if these people I'm sure we all remember Valentine's Valentine's Day come from?" truly want to know, even Day best from our days of being in For the answer, I consulted some " though I made them up elementary school and buying those imaginary professors in the Departand they're only imagiprepackaged Snoopy or Garfield or ment of History here at U-M. They nary, then other people (for being tender and caring in that laughed me out of their offices. This is must want to know my masculine, ass-whooping way) G.!. the kind of respect I get-even the secrets to having a good Joe Valentine cards that we'd have to people I make up won't talk to me. So Valentine's Day too. So address to each person in the class, I decided to contact the US I've come up with the whether you liked them or not, and government's Bureau of Holidays following formula, then the class would have an inane With Questionable Significance which should be ofgreat party where you handed them out (BOHWQS) (whose job it is to reassistance to the clueless potential and ate cookies and stuff, instead of search holidays and rate them ac~d obtain an expensive gift. If you romantic. ", doing the normal schoolwork. It was cording to whether or not they may be are buying for a woman, I would recStep One: Obtain a significant fun, but it's no surprise that Amerideclared "federal" holidays, and thus ommend purchasing jewelry with other. This step is self:r-explanatory, can schoolchildren rank dead last in days off for the government), and but not exactly the easiest thing in , gems the size of grapefruits in it if you test scores on everything. And God asked ,them what the history of ever expect her to speak to you again . the world to do. I'd publish my Neato . forbid a girl gave you a mushy Valenltyou are buying for a guy, well, we're ,.Valentine's Day is.

Guide to Ai:tracting a Girl I Boyfriend, . The BOHWQS, was' tn,ore: .than tine, because the girls had cooties. pretty fleXible as to what giftS we get. ,'/ but I'm not sure eXactly how it's done. happy to answer my queries, since it Then came high school, where you Actually, we'd be just as happy to I have a girlfriend, but I don't rememmeanttheycouldactUallyn,otdomuch (probably) got over the cootie stage trade the gift in exchange for women ber exactly what I did to attract her; valuable work, yet have some kind of and you would wax romantic. You'd not getting angry at our ineptitude at this, however, is a fundamental Law excuse as to why. Apparently Valenperhaps ask out that girl you've had a gift purchasing. ("Well, honey, I would of Guys: when it comes to r~lation­ tine's Day came ,about as a day to pay crush on for a long time, and she have bought you the Hope Diamond, ships, we're clueless. So you'll have to homage to St. Valentine, the patron would, having absolutely no heart, but I don't have anymore blood to sell, figure' it out yourself, and I'll have to saint of love, romance, and really laugh cruelly, at you and turn you and nobody wanted my spleen, and move on to Step Two. cheesy insincere greeting cards. He down. Year after year this would hapUGH!" [GUY PASSES OUT FROM Step Two: Obtain a sufficient died several hundred years ago of pen, perhaps change, WEAKNESS AND BLOOD LOSS]). amount of money to buy a really ex. the girl would , internal bleeding after attempting to but the CIrcumstances, and results STEP FOUR: After finishing all pensive gift. I mean a lot of money. sell his gall bladder to buy his girlremained the same, until you were on the work that your cruel, heartless We're not talking a "work 20 hours a friend a gift.

Thus, to honor him, it the brink of insanity, and convinced professors have heaped upon you, plan week for an eternity" kind of money, became tradition to spend ungodly that the whole world hated you and a nice quiet dinner with just you and either. More like the "Hillary Clinton sums of money to show love and affecthat you'd never score and damn her, your sweetheart, and perhaps some 10,000 Percent-Yield Cattle Future tion toward our loved ones on the candlelight. Or something. Present who does she think she is?!? And who Investment of Dubious Legality" kind anniversary of his death. needs women anyway?!? Not that 1of money. It's not easy to obtain this . the gift and hope against hope that So you know now how Valentine's uh, I mean-you're bitter or anything. he/she enjoys it. And then pray that kind of money. You could sell some came about, and how to go about havBut I digress. you don't pass out from the shock of CDs, assuming you have about three ing an excellent Valentine's experiremoving all of your internal organs Then comes college, when most zillion CDs to sell back. You could sell ence.

You too, can be a happy Valenpeople have to table their romantic with a Taco Bell spork and then sellblood and attempt to set the world tine reveler, and maybe even get a gift tendencies in favor of homework and ing them all to passers-by on the record for the person who functions that will please your mate. Now if Diag. exams. Professors don't ever seem to on the least amount of blood while you11 excuse me, I have to go extract get in the spirit, you know, and most There is, of course, more to Valenstill being alive. I would even go as far a few internal organs and go shopping people hold the all-mighty grade tine's Day than just buying expensive as to say that you could sell a few for a Valentine's day gift. l\R higher than love and happiness anygifts for your significant other. It's internal organs, but that would be, to how, and for God's sake, what would use the technical term, "illegal." It the world be without love, but can you would also be incredibly difficult to tell them that?!? NOOOOO!!!! find a doctor with that kind oflack of Again, I digress. ethics. You could try to remove them yourself and sell them, black-marketGeoff Brown is an LSA senior majorstyle, but it's not like you can just ing in biology, and the managing edistand on the Diag at night with a Join the R(,l'i(,ll'~~ \Ve need writ('r~, lay-out arti:;.;ts, ad tor ofthe Review. He is currently functrenchcoat, trying to sell a kidney or representatives , and some people to just hang out and tioning on three teaspoons of blood, something. Not that this will stop halfaspleen, andhisappendi:c, butat people from trying. ("Pssst! Hey, talk to us and help us make fun of inane government least he managed to find a Valentines Buddy! Ya wauna buy a lower intespol icies. gift for his girlfriend. ~e?") .' ," .. ', ; .. , ' ,. , ,' , .

BY GEOFF BROWN

W

NEED A LITTLE EXCITEMENT?!?

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12

THE MICHIGAN REVtEW

February 14,1996

o INTERVIEW: DR. ALEXEY YABLOKOV

Assessing the

~ussian

Environment

tot ,,,!" "

O

N FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2,

Lisa Wagner of the Review had the opportunity to interview Dr. Alexe.y Yablokov, a persorwl environmental policy advi80r to Russian President Boris Yeltsin. In addition to traveling the world as a scientist and a politician, he is currently the board chair of the Center (or Russian Environmental Policy in Moscow. Yablokov is the author oftwen.ty booM that have been translated into six different languages and widely circulated.

MR: What do believe II the most ..-Ious enWorimIIltII problem fIdng FUsII today?

Yablokov: In Russia, there are two problems: radioactive pollution and drinking water quality. Nearly every big city has problems with radioactive pollution and all of them have problems with drinking water quality.

MR: Each v- the goyernment allocates a certlln amount of money for the environInIM. In your opinion, ahoukI the bulk of the rnoIWI be IPII't on dearing up the..wonmed, or rlltrucfurlng InduItry?

Yablokov: The best way of course to kill the pollution is before it starts. So restructuring industry is the better course of action. However, now we have a lot of private industry, so it is impossible to reStructure this industry with governmental money. So it is reasonable that the government should implement strict regulations and to follow these regulations. The problem is that now the federal government and the local governments do not have enough power to enforce these regulations. This is turning out to be a very serious problem.

MR: BorIs yeltBfn hlSltIted that the budget for 1996 hn been set. How will this money be uaed for . . environment?

Yablokov: We have only a small amount of money 8llocated to the environment I think less than one-half percent is budgeted for the environment. We need five times more to stabilize our degradation. There are many reasons for such a situation.

One of them is that there is a lot of money going to unpredictable catastrophes. We have a special Ministry of Catastrophes (the American equivalent is the Federal Emergency Management AgenCy), and this Ministry received ten times more money than the Ministry of the Environment.

MR: From a poIIticalltlndpoint, how his

the collapse of the Soylet regime affected the environmental situation?

tial, but quite invisible. We belong to the Presidential Administration. The role of my committee is to analyze the environmental situation, then con-

Yablokov: After the collapse of the Soviet Union we introd\..ced some market e<X>nomy principles like "polluters pay." In a comparatively short time we improved our environmental situation. Butnow,ltlrink the situation has gotten worse than how it was during theCOIllplU.. nists' regime. 'This is beca~ under the communist totalitarian regime we had quite strict regulations. It is true ~> that we had unhealthy environmental devel. opment and unhealthy .. . industrial develop- ' / . ~. ~ A ment, but we had a Dr. Yablokov pays a visit to U-M strong government .,- . and struct proposals. These proposals are strict regq.1ations. ..

Now we have an enonnous devassent not to the public, but to a federal agency, or to the president. tation ofnatur8.l resources - literal devastation which¡is mostly illegal. A .

MR: Baed on that, what do you lot of private initiatives, finns, and enterprises cut trees down in an ungeneral level of undendanding II among the healthy way. They cut down forests RussIan public? without replanting, they extt-act oil and gas in the worst way possible and Yablokov: This surprised me, but without consideration. They try to the level of public awareness has been earn as much money as possible as particularly stable during the last fast as possible. We call this "wild seven years. Public polls continue to capitalism." It flourishes in my counshow that environmental concern is try. This wild capitalism has struck in third place. Last year, the first our nature worse than under the overconcern was the economy, crime was militarized Soviet regime. in second place, and again, in third was the environment.

MIl: Ale there any aspects of F\tsaian envtronmental policy that hayelmproyed since MR: Hal the Chemobyl experience permathe downfaR of the regime? nently precluded lUsia's purstit of nuclear power?

Yablokov: Yee, of course. There are several aspects which have considerYablokov: Yes, maybe the Chernobyi ably improved. First of all, air polluexperience has made us more aware tion is declining, not because of some about any nuclear problem, including special regulation, but because of the nuclear testing. Of course the drastic decline in industrial activity.

Chernobyl incident has had quite an During the Soviet era, the bulk of impact. This year marks the tenth industry was military. Now we don't anniversary of Chernobyl, and in my need such a huge amount of military country we have a special program industry. Compared with five years which analyzes the consequences of ago, industrial output has declined by Chernobyi. It turns out that the conabout forty parrent. From this, our air sequences are much worse than it is about seventeen percent cleaner was officially predicted. than it was five years ago.

MR:Since Chernobyl has had such an MR: What are you and your committee effect, how much money will Russia spend doing to Inform the RussIan population about on alternate aowC88 of energy, such â&#x20AC;˘ wind, environmental problems? geothermal, water power, ancUor solar?

the development of nuclear energy. I think it was a tragic decision because before this, we had a reasonable amount of money allocated for the development of solar, wind, and small electric plants. After turning the general strategic development into nuclear energy, all spending on alternate sources of energy was stopped.

Of course there is still some spending at the local level, but this is on a very small scale. From my point of view, the pUrsuit of nuclear energy killed all of the research on environmentally-friendly sources of power.

"~ " ,

\

_the ..

Yablokov: My committee is to the Council of National Security. It is quite an invisible board - influen-

Yablokov: Well, forty years ago the communist rulers decided that the bulk of money for energy should go

MR: In view of Russia's long history of totalitarian government, must the impetus for environmental protection come from the government. or wli the Russian people eventually demand it?

Yablokov: Both the government and the people have a concern for the environment. Each year, the government passes several hundred environmentaliy-related proposals, but in the end, only a few of them are implemented. The state of our economy and the political instability precludes us from concentrating on environmental issues. We are a country in transition. Weare not stable like America's government. If the United States government passes a law, it is enforced. In my country only about twenty-five percent of presidential decrees are fulfilled. It is nearly impossible to enforce anything new in this transitional period..

MR: finally, do you think the United Slates should come to the aid of RussIa? YabLokov: The answer is common sense. We don't need American money; we need your experience. We need your participation in our activities.

We don't need money; most of our resources - oil, gas, forests, metal are distributed on the world market in return. for enormous profit. This profit leaves Russia and ends up in Western banks. This is dirty money, but it does exist. People are afraid of the great political instability so the money leaves Russia. We need your help to stop this flow.

We need your experience. 'Ihe majority of Russian people do not yet understand the market economy. You can team us aspects of capitalism and we can learn from America's mistakes. rIte United States has a two hundred-year democratic history with a consumel'-Oriented society. We would like to avoid your mistakes and learn "consumerism"; this will be the best way you can help us. Mt

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February 14, 1996

13

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o ISSUE FORUM: TAX REFORM

"-

Flat Tax Brings Tax Equality

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

T

HE IMPLEMENTATION OF a so-ealled "flat taX," in which all citizens would be taxed at the same, supposedly low rate, is the first step in bringing sanity back to government. By implementing a flat income tax instead of the progressive income tax, Americans gain a system that does not penalize the productive and ensures that all citizens, rich and poor, pay the same rate, creating true taxation equality. These are just two of the greatest advantages that are brought to Americans through the utilization of the flat tax.

While arguably the regressive income tax is the best way to reward productive citizens, the flat tax does not hurt citizens for being productive.

Currently, under the progressive income tax system", welfare recipients who work part time, and who have annual incomes under $10,000, receive a great deal of money back from the government. Compare that with the fact that productive citizens earning $150,000 must pay the federal government 39.6 percent oftheir earn-

ings. Total taxation can reach as high . purchase less. One could argue that as 55 or even 60 percent. A federal flat the concurrent decrease in the contax set at 17 percent, as Steve Forbes sumption rates of Americans would has proposed, will greatly help the also lower governmental expendivast majority of Americans who work tures. This and other effects caused hard and stop undeserving Ameriby the new sales tax, such as a poscans from benefiting from the system. sible decrease of investment in capiA flat tax would also make the ardutal goods, would be felt across the ous task of filing a tax return much country in the shock waves of an ecosimpler by streamlining regulation. nomic downturn. Not only that, but if Some now advocate a national there was a sales tax on top of the sales tax instead of a tax on income, corporate income tax (which no one proposing either a value added tax talks about scrapping) would be ut(VAT) or simply a federal sales tax of terly disastrous for business. The ef20 or 30 percent, while abolishing the fect of a sales tax would be not only to income tax. This would be disastrous. cause an economic downturn for busiThe negative effects on the poor in our ness, but to increase savings rates society would be numerous, as poor among the very rich while leading to Americans would see their grocery economic hardship for middle class and poor Americans. bills, heating costs, and clothing costs There is also great concern as to spiral upwards, further impoverishing them. Can you imagine a TA trywhetl;ter the American people can ing to buy his groceries for the month, trust \he government to not suddenly paying $25 in tax?! increase the sales tax even higher or A national sales tax would really tobring back the income tax along with the national sales tax. With a hurt people such as,~, whereas a flat tax would hardly affect them. The flat tax, theyar,e at least spared from rich, who would have Ip.ore money to being taxed twice to death and only spend, would save far more of their have to deal with the possibility that money and invest, but they would the rate may rise.

A flat tax of 17 percent also will force the government to responsibly spend what little money it receives.

No longer can politicians get away with massive deficit spending, and with a flat tax, we can hopefully begin to shrink government back to where it becomes manageable again.

While the flat tax proposal by' Forbes makes great economic sense by freeing up tens, ifnot hundreds, of billions of dollars that the government normally would waste, it is only the first step in regaining economic sanity. The next steps Americans can take will be to eliminate capital gains taxes and the truly disgusting inheritance tax. By eliminating these, the government will begin to stop penalizing citizens for working hard and saving their money.

Overall, when comparing means oftaxation, it is far more prudent and worthwhile to impose a flat tax.rather than a national sales tax. For a flat tax will bring true taxation equality among all citizens, and as a corollary, it will also force government to shrink, thus leading to greater economic growth.Ml , "

Sales Tax is a Step Toward Liberty

BY JAMES

W

A.

RoBERTS,

II

ITH THE REMARKABLY quick emergence of Steve Forbes onto the national political scene, the issue,of tax reform recently has received a great deal of consideration. Forbes has sparked much of this debate with his proposal for a flat-rate income tax. Though this plan marks a monumental step toward both tax relief and a more just tax structure, the implementation of a national sales tax, coupled with the abolition of the federal income tax, would constitute a more ideal initiative.

11uch ofthe debate that surrounds the issue of taxation concerns just what level and type of taxation is "fair." The left; tends to argue that progressive taxation is "fair," because this system ensures that those in high-income brackets will pay their "fair share"; many on the right, by contrast, insist that a flat-rate system is "fair," because it fails to base one's rate of taxation on one's income.

What both sides overlook in this conflict is the inherent unfairness oftaxation, for its existence rests upon coercion, rather than free choice. Thus, it is futile to argue that one system is

fair while another is not; one may only submit that a given system is fairer than a second. It is for this reason that the sales tax is superior to the flat tax.

In a free society, individual choice and voluntary agreement are essential values, for they limit the power of the state and secure the autonomy of the individual. While no system of taxation coincides precisely with voluntarism, it is necessary, within the confines of a governmental society, to enact a tax structure that approaches these values. Only in this manner will liberty thrive within society.

Though it institutes a dramatic reformation of the current system, the flat tax affirms the existence of the federal income tax. This, in short, is its fundamental flaw. As a direct tax, an income tax infringes upon one's autonomy by directly confiscating one's property. That is, there exits no degree of individual choice concerning the level of taxation that one will face. Thus, the very nature of the income tax fails to accommodate the free choice that is necessary for liberty to exist.

While the sales tax also functions under coercion, this indirect tax leaves

some space for choice concerning one's level of taxation. This is due to the fact that one faces taxation only as a result of making a voluntarytransaction, such as the purchase of a product. Though it is unreasonable to assume that one will forego economic consumption altogether, the sales tax grants one some ability to influence one's tax bill.

Perhaps a more important reason why the income tax is inconsistent with liberty concerns the manner in which the government collects it. To lawfully pay this tax, all taxpayers must file a series of forms with the Internal Revenue Service. Such a mandate constitutes a violation of one's privacy and autonomy, because it requires one not only to forfeit part of one's property, but to reveal personal informationto the government as well. This system has granted a tremendous amount of power to the national government, enabling it to expand beyond its legitimate, constitutional scope.

Indeed, the very existence of the IRS poses a threat to liberty. As James Bovard writes in Lost Rights: The Destruction of American Liberty, the IRS "is the authoritarian means to paternalist ends." Bovard cites a

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plethora of instances in which the IRS, in an overzealous attempt to acquire revenues, unfairly has invoked tax penalties on citizens, while denying them their rights to due process and a presumption of innocence.

In short, the tax-collecting efforts of the IRS have culminated in a virtual tyranny over the private lives of Americans - hardly a circumstance that is conducive to the existence of liberty. ' One of the most beneficial features of the sales tax is that such a system would no longer require one to file tax forms. Thus, the sales tax effectively abolishes the IRS, restoring the individual privacy and due process that is necessary for a libertarian society to exist.

While the flat tax does bring reformation to the current tax structure, it fails to adopt that reform which is needed most: the introduction of a tax system that holds some respect for individual privacy and autonomy. It is the national sales tax that achieves this, by abolishing the IRS and granting individuals some degree of choice concerning their taxes. Only under such a system will America move closer to its cherished ideal of freedom.Ml

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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

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February 14, 1996

o ISSUES FORUM: GEO CONTRACT DISPUTE

Dismantling,the GEO Threat

BY EVAN KNOTT

T

HE GRADUATE EMPLOYEES Organization (GEO) is immersed in a gridlocked contract dispute with the University administration. Their current contract expired February 1, and by the time this feature is published, they will have sent ballots to its members to vote on whether to strike. Members of the GEO will announce its decision at its mass membership meeting on February 22.

Despite rampant skepticism that a strike will actually occur, members of this University must seriously consider both the short and long term harms that a strike will pose to the stability and reputation of this institution. Furthermore, the failure of Yale University graduate student instructors to successfully exercise a grade strike stands as a clear example of the detrimental repercussions of unconventional protest. The GEO's decision to use the threat of a strike in order to receive a new contract exhibits an illegitimate means to an unachievable end.

I want to be clear from the start that I have absolutely no intentions of discrediting or undermining the GEO's previous efforts in renewing its contract. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly agree that it is ridiculous for the administration to expect graduate instructors to live off a salary that is 30% less than the amount reported by the Office of Financial Aid as the minimum needqd to pay for graduate student living expenses. Furthermore, I too would like to see my classes held in a smaller, more productive environment.

However, nobody at this University can expect to see these benefits through a strike. Instead, I find several reasons that suggest the GEO's chances of winning the measures of its proposed contract will be grounded before the strike can even commence.

History has shown the necessary prerequisites for executing a successful attack on the status quo by means of unconventional tactics. Currently, the GEO has obtained only two of the four parts needed to be thoroughly prepared to take on the administration. While the organization has a strong leader in President Scott Dexter and a clear plan of attack in striking, the GEO is lacking crucial internal and external support needed to maintain a strike. It would be naive to think that unanimous support and assistance will be provided by the entire undergraduate student population and University professors.

their services, no one is stopping them Likewise, I have yet to see any exterstrikers may make will be earned nal support from other student unions, from finding other means of employthrough great expense and loss. the State of Michigan, or members of Should the situation precipitate to ment or another institution at which the Ann Arbor community. Both of to teach. the point that the administration is these sources of support are necesLastly, the GEO's decision to use able to take punitive action, not only sary in combating an administration a strike to resolve its contract dispute are strikers putting their years of that is as wrapped up in beauracracy mitigates the very principles of an hard work, their research, and their and indifference as ours is. degrees on the line, but their chances intellectually and culturally sensitive Shortly after the strike begins, for a successful future career as well. environment. Graduate students inthe level of undergraduate support structors, like it or not, serve as rep~ Furthermore, strikers will lose the will deteriorate even further. Senior resentatives of the ideals of higher respect and trust of their students and junior students completing last learning. Striking to achieve a comand superiors. minute applications to graduate Moreover, it seems that members mon goal presents the message that it is desirable to em ploy methods ofhosschools will realize that the chances of the GEO have forgotten that strik. of fulfilling the credits necessary for tility and confrontation rather than ingis violating the fundamental rights graduation are put into jeopardy. First rationality, compromise, cooperation, of the majority of the University's year students and sophomores will and patience. students. As printed on its numerous discover that without being able to No one within the University compamphlets that were handed out to attend classes, their competitiveness munitywants to see graduate instrucstudents, the GEO repeatedly stresses in obtaining summer internships has tors continue to struggle to earn a fair the concept ofundergraduate students living and teach classes of unreasonbeen unfairly hindered. Finally, invaluing their education. I think the ternational students will struggle to . fact that students at Michigan pay able size, but students especially do figure out why they flew halfway ~ anywhere from $50,000-$100,000 to not want to see the blood of this university poisoned by a strike. I apacross the world to spend $25,000 a receive an undergraduate degree is plaud the previous efforts made by year on an education that they are nQt sufficient proof that they value their the GEO in trying to seriously negotireceIVmg. l)J'!dergraduate student education immensely. When dealing ate with the administration and to support, a crucial element in the suewith factors of this magnitude, I find educate members of the University it a just expectation of Michigan stucessofastrike,~lbecomeinevitably community. Likewise, I equally conimpossible to obtain. dents to receive nothing less than a demn the repeated indifference· arid The widespread frustration exfirst-class education in a timely and pressed by undergraduates will only mature manner. By turning students lack of initiative the administration exacerbate the administration's reinto pawns in order to settle a conhas taken in trying to resolve this fusal to seriously address the issues. tract dispute should be regarded as matter. Yet we must not support a Thus far, only 8 ofthe GEO's 37 proan act ofillegitimate confrontation on strike by the GEO, as its harms greatly posals have been signed by the adbehalf of the GEO and an act of comoutweigh its advantages. The next ministration. It is naive for the GEO plete and inexcusable irresponsibiltime a member of the GEO asks you to to expect the administration to alter ity on behalf of this University's adsupport their plans to implement a its behavior in response to the chaos ministration. Undergraduate tuition strike against the university, tell them of the strike. Think about it: there is used in subsidizing graduate stuto reconsider their options in resolvhas been talk about a possible strike dent education, and by withholding ing this matter. If legitimate underfor several weeks now, yet no one has their services to its students, strikers graduate concerns about the quality heard the administration's reaction are committing theft ofboth our money of education are truly at the heart of to this looming threat. The adminisand our time. Graduate instructors the GEO's efforts, as it claims they tration is at least indifferent over this should be reminded that they chose to are, they will employ an alternative matter, and at most likely to become be in the positions that they hold. If method of resolving their contract hostile. They will find alternative the University of Michigan fails to dispute and spare the integrity of this ways to cope with the situation, unprovide adequate compensation for University for the benefit of all. Mt pleasant as they may be. Yale's grade strike easily confirms this notion.

I REALLY DISLIKE••• During the strike, professors man... being forced to be politically correct ... aged to report over 90% of under...watching my rights being suppressed ... graduate grades despite the efforts of ...the ill-thought out demands of leftist radicals, .. the striking graduate students. When the academic reputation of one of the If you said "YESf' to any of the above, than YOU should subscribe nation's most prestigious universities to the Michigan Reviewr Support the U-M's only libertarian jouris threatened~ its administration will nal of political opinion and stay informed of all the issues that find a way to maintain it at all costs. affect campus today.

With the inherent and progressively detrimental presence of the aforementioned, it already appears that the disadvantages of striking strongly outweigh any possible advantages it may render. However, I DO want to subscribe to the Michigan Review. For a tax deductone need not ponder the various reaible donation of at least $20, I too can receive one year (8 issues) sons why a strike will prove ineffecof the Review PLUS the fabulous Summer Orientation issuer tive in order to see the numerous ALLRIGHTYU (Just send your enclosed check to: The Michigan other harms it presents to all parties Review, Suite One, 911 N. University, Ann Arbor MI, 48109. Isn't involved. ~Tsw~ll?) , In the first place, any gains that

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, February 14, 1996

15

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o ISSUES FORUM: GEO CONTRACT DISPUTE

Justice for theGEO •

BY

KEvIN

F

COONEY

ACEIT:NEWHAVENISNOT Ann Arbor. No bitter strike like Yale's will divide the campus along picket lines. The GEO's threat of withholding teaching services is no more than that - a threat.

The merest comparison of Yale and Michigan will serve to justify these statements and reveal the fallacies of using the one to predict the other.

Yale is a private university situated on the East Coast. Obviously, Michigan's status as a public, Midwestern university is fairly different.

This isn't to say that there aren't any similarities, but one should be cautiousabouthaphazardlythrowingtwo institutions together simply because they are universities. It is like saying that one could determine how a university from the Bible belt will react to an abortion-rights march by observing Dartmouth's reaction.

Aside from the differences in the universities themselves, the contract negotiations, as well, have little in common. The Yale TAs are striking for recognition as a union, which entails the right to bargain collectively.

Michigan's graduate student instructors (GSIs) earned that recognition and the right to bargain collectively in 1975. They are not striking for anything so monumental this year; the salary increase is trivial when compared to what the Yale TAs are fighting for - what the GSIs fought for .

A look at the GEO's .history will reveal the relative ease with which the GSIs obtained every new contract once they gained recognition as a union. In 1976 negotiations on the second contract broke down when the administration demanded that GEO drop two pending grievances before signing. GEO filed an unfair labor practice complaint with the Michigan Employment Relations Commission (MERC), but the University argued that the graduate student assistants and staff assistants were not really employees. In 1977 Judge Shlomo Sperka ofMERC ruled that they were, in fact, employees and the legal right to bargain collectively through GEO. After numerous University appeals, the decision was upheld in 1980.

Following that decision, the second, third, fourth, and fifth contracts were all negotiated without any difficulty. In 1987 negotiations broke down over the sixth contract, but the mere threat of a strike was enough to push the administration to recognize GEO's demands. After yet another unremarkliple c9ntt:a.ct~ the _ejghthGEO. _.

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contract resulted in one and three day work stoppages before GEO received its demands. 1993 was the most recent contract dispute. Once hte University realized that 83 percent of GEO members had voted to authorize a strike, the administration caved in to GEO's position on upholding health care benefits.

Such is the GEO's history: a long struggle for the right to strike and a steady series of smaller victories following the first. One notices that through striking, a perfectly legal and legitimate method of negotiation, and more often the mere threat of a strike, the GEO has never failed to achieve it's demands. Whether they had the majority or minority support of students and factory, they attamed their ends.

But for the mom~nt, let us assume, in the face of reason

salary.

As we all know, this scenario is utterly chimerical. No matter how much it postures, the University is pretty much evenly divided in responsibility between graduates and undergraduates. And however much it tries, the University cannot view the

andhistoricaltrends,~tthere

a

great, or they need to provide for their children. Some would argue that this ensures that the worst graduate students are weeded out, but the path to a doctorate is not natural selection.

The inability to get a loan doesn't constitute an inferior characteristic.

With Dean John D'Arms predicting a national shortage of professors in 1997, the University of Michigan has a moral responsibility to ensure that graduate student instructors receive financial assistance; it has a duty to provide a living wage. It might be . argued that the funds do not exist, but President Duderstadt's recent 12 percent raise seems to suggest (with all due respect) that the money is simply going to the wrong people.

In his State of the Union Address, Bill Clinton proclaimed, "The era of big government is over." With this supposed death-knell of liberalism, we realize once again that onlyunions can protect the average worker; we realize that often the difference between the working poor and the steadily shrinking middle class is the picket line. And despite our frustration t;il,at our education is the hypoth~tical pawn in these negotiations, we realize that the GSIs are struggling to smooth the road that is soon to be our own.Mt

~-

does .happen to be strike. In addi.

GEO simply as a labor force. It has a tion, let us say that it is a.month-Iong stake in every GSI who achieves or strike beginning in April - not the fails to earn a doctorate, because, like two or three day work stoppage which it or not, the University has a responis more likely. The main issue would sibilityin producing academics. Withbe, of course, the $3532.08 that cerout a living wage, many ' graduate tam GSIs receive after taxes in one student instructors will drop their semester - 25 percent less than the studies. Perhaps their credit isn't so cost of living estimated by the University's Financial Aid Office.

Obviously, should such a strike occur, those students applying to graduate schools and special programs would be disadvantaged, and this circumstance would certainly be regretable.

"Bringing sanity back to a campus gone mad ... " But the struggle for a living wage should not end because of a short The Michigan Review is looking for writers, copy editors, term inconvenience to a few. photographers, politicos, and any people who want to see a As for the charge that students campus where people can be truly free, without restrictive will not receive a first-class education in the event of a strike, one is regulation, without an overbearing Code of Student Conduct, reminded of Winston Churchill's and one where common sense and rationality have precedence quote: . "I never let school interfere over shortsightedness and stupidity. INTE,RESTED? CALL with my education." But to what ex662-1909 OR stop by our weekly staff meetings in Suite tent does the University truly seek to provide each student with the bestOne at 7 -p.m. on Tuesdays on the 3rd floor of the possible education? If that were the Michigan League.

University's prime concern, it would hire instuctors who would teach the same subject for 20 or 30 years, reasoning that they'd gain a full mastery , . of it. Similarly, if the University's relationship to GSIs was merely economic, it would do the same. Such an instructor would not need to attend graduate school because he would have no need to concern himself with advancement. Thus, he could be paid a salary around $17,000, which would at the same time save the University a couple thousand dollars from the approximately $19,000 that the typi_cal _GSI .receives in free. tuition and _.. L -________________________________________________

Join the Review!

JOIN THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

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16

o ESSAY

Downsizing~:State

BY GENE

KRAss

T

HEDEBATEOVERTHEVIRtues of smaller governmentthethemesurroundingtheRepublican Party's ascension to power - was heightened by the recent series of government shutdowns. Many Republicans argued that certain government agencies were simply not necessary, and the Democrats accused the Republicans of being too hard on federal workers, and both sides blamed the other for the shutdowns.

Instead of being blamed, however, those responsible for temporarily shutting the government down deserve to be congratulated.

There appears to be so much merit in downsizing that even Bill Clinton proclaimed the end ofbig government.

Immediately afterward, however, he signed into law a bill that would inexcusably extend the government into the Internet and the entertainment industry. Being the great politician he is, he certainly cannot be expected to keep his word. When all of the political posturing is over, however,

February 14, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

the end result must be a smaller and less intrusive federal government.

Let's look to the state level for a move in the right direction. In November of 1995, Massachusetts Governor William Weld and Lt. Governor Paul Cellucci announced a massive downsizing plan for the state. According to the official press release, the plan calls for the elimination of 76 state agencies and 263 boards and commissions. It is difficult to fathom that so much government exists in the first place. Were there really so many areas of life that the government had control over? Of course, the state in question is Massachusetts, which I still refer to as "Dukakisland," so I am not that surprised.

Overall, the plan calls for a $500 million income tax cut, and a $100 million registry fee relief. The latte: would come about as a result of either the eliminapQn or massive downsRing (which on~ is unspecified) ofthe state's Department ofMotor Vehicles (DMV). ,'.

Currently, residents ofthe Bay State are required to renew their driver's licenses every five years and their car

Government

registrations every two years. In addition, the annual (and highly ineffectual) car safety inspection would be abolished, and the emissions inspection be made biannual instead of annual. The inspections cost $15, renewing one's driver's license costs $35, and renewing one's registration costs, I believe, $80. These fees are unnecessary and should be done away with promptly. Overall, says the press release, an annual 2.5 million unnecessary registry transactions a year would be eliminated.

In addition to downsizing the DMV, the plan calls for privatizing certain government agencies, such as the water resources and public transportation departments. Also included are educational reforms such as funding based on performance.

"The average citizen in this state is still working until May 8th every year just to pay for all the government in his life," said Weld. "We haven't given the people of Massachusetts nearly the relief they deserve." And relief they definitely want. Cellucci added, "I've talked to people .Jr.onl"

Quincy to North Adams to New Bedford about their ideas for changing state government. The concerns I heard most frequently were that government regulates too much and taxes are too high. This downsizing plan addresses both." Cutting taxes and cutting regulation, however, involves cutting some government jobs - or lowering salaries. It is this image that leads people to oppose cutting any part ofgovernment whatsoever. When people realize that the government is not the only provider of jobs, the talk of downsizing can give way to action.

Weld has delivered in the past, turning the $700 million "Dukakis deficit" into a surplus. As a resident of the Bay State, I can only hope that he will come through with this plan. Ifit can be shown, at the state level, that smaller government works, then maybe other states will adopt similar measures to improve their residents' standard of living. And I'll bet anyone that Weld will carry through with his promise of smaller government much sooner than "Tricky Bill" Clinton will with his. MR

Government Downsizing is Overdue with all these hundreds of proven the past two decades. The Republican success stories to back them up. victory in the most recent election The biggest fear of national law appears to be the first step in demons EFFECTIVE GOVERNMENT makers, besides all of the control they strating that the American people are possible? The question is inherstand to lose, is that giving states fed up with business as usual. Recogently laughable. Nevertheless, control will fuel monopolization. Denizing and employing the results of professional Rolitical analysts and citiregulation translates harshly to antithis switch has produced the most zens alike have begun to clamor for trust crusaders. However, the fear satisfying of bargaining positions for greater control over a wasteful and that giving power to those outside of governors. Now it's Bill Clinton, the bloated bureaucracy. The mood has the federal bureaucracy will bring former champion of these governors, become so popular that even Bill back the era of J.P. Morgan is 'unwho is fighting against them.

Clinton has begun his drive to confounded. The most important fact to Outside of political jargon reinvince voters his administration has consider here is that the states have venting government makes sense. brought "the end of big government." proven at least as fierce in fighting American business has demonstrated Led by William Weld (R-MA), monopolies as the federal government that a new era in management has Tommy Thompson (R-WI), and John has in the past. come about. The federal government Engler (R-Ml), governors across the What is good about handing conas a service provider should listen to nation are loudly voicing their desires trol to the states? Well, for one thing, these businesses. Cutting waste was to have more control over funding the unbalanced federal budget that a primary concern in industry a deissues. The response of voters to this everybody and their mother keeps cade ago. Downsizing, though painnew plea has been enthusiastic. Taktalking about would be a lot easier to ful, was necessary for corporate ing their mandate from the Republibalance. The burden of maintaining America to compete with the more can sweep in the 1994 elections, the programs would be on the states inefficient Japanese. The change has nation's governors (Republican and stead of on Uncle Sam. Additionally, already taken place in business beDemocrat alike) have become 80 bold states will finally be able to adminiscause the sUrvival of US companies as to ask for the previously unthinkter programs in a style that suits depended on it. The federal governable: complete state control over welthem individually as opposed to a ment has not been forced by such fare funded by federal dollars. All of national mandate. motivation to adapt. these demands aim to dethrone the The entire argument of reinventThe time for downsizing the fedbureaucracy at the federal level in ing government goes to the roots of eral government is overdue. Now it order to maintain a reasonable level federalism. Since the era of Franklin remains the task of the politicians to Pat Eskew is a sophomore in indusRoosevelt, the federal government has successfully administer the changes trial and operations engineering and been firmly in control. The balance of that are needed. It remains to be seen '1IAsociate publiid1:tf..tif,'the Revie.w:.\·~':.:·:ing the~9"~fe4er~sm,.,.,·opinioll/Ras beel\.slowly ·shl.:£tipg for, ·,,ifthi,s,iapo.ssible. Mt,-, ,

BY PAT ESKEW

I

ofscrutiny ofprograms as they evolve.

The governors are merely following the lead of cities like Sunnyvale, CA which has had a budget management program geared towards privatization and downsizing since the mid 1980s. The trendsetters in reinventing government have clearly been the American towns and cities.

The results, however, have been mixed. Baltimorer~solvedtoprivatize its public schools in an "it cannot get worse" mentality. It did. Several schools reported increases in droJr out rates, overcrowding, and crime.

However, the method ofincreasing government effectiveness has not been solely foOOded in privatizing as many agencies as possible. Giving incentives for quality and monitoring the necessity of agencies has also played a large J:ole. Sunnyvale's town manager Tom Lewcock called his budgetingstrategy"resultsoriented budgeting." Lewcock's team reviews each city-funded activity on its success in terms of quality, cost, and amount and presents the findings to the city council with recommendations.

The results of the new budgets Sunnyvale's and hundreds of other cities have been catching on. Now the governors are taking the lead in argu-

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17

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

,..

o CURRENT AFFAIRS

The Importance of the .Primaries

BY JESSE ACKLES

T

HE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRImary and the Iowa caucuses have been instrumental in lettingall ofus know who the best emerging presidential candidates are, or, rather, that primaries are the most ridiculous convention remaining in modern American politics.

Both of these early contests received increased media coverage in presidential elections in the 1970s, and eventually gained a foothold in the campaign routine (for more on this, see Thomas Patterson's Out of Order), Now, the media give them unprecedented attention, eager to start a once-every- four-years coverage blitzing opportunity early, as a whole year of crazy stories, nit-picking, and soundbiting gets rolling.

Here come the candidates, it's time to get to work. How should we start things off? Where's our best spot?

Let's go to New Hampshire.

AsmallsoTt-of-Eastern-but-onthe--border-with-Canada-and-halffull-of- mountains- state is where the candidates show up and the press bites. It's an important contest, all right. The first one. This is where we get to see what the candidates are really like, which candidates are the most electable. If someone doesn't do well in the New Hampshire primary, there's no way he's going to make a decent president. And if they don't even show up? .# Scratch 'em off the list. No more coverage for you, silly contender.

Unless you do well in Iowa, yet another of our most representative republics. It's not as good as New Hampshire for determining who the best leaders are, but you gotta admit, they got some ... corn. And a major player on determining who the press will deem legitimate. Makes almost as much sense as cover~e given to Republican public spats about who's going to tackle the Castro issue.

The press goes to these contests, gets a first-hand account of who does well, tells us, and makes a definitive . decision about the results, which sets the agenda as far as who is going to be made into a legitimate contender and who gets to be called wishy- washy.

So we start seeing the same two or three faces every morning in the newspaper (never mind the other three, four, or five potentials from the same party, campaigning 80 hard there's sweat on their brow, which means even if they do get a picture in the Almaden Times they're going to look worn out and dirty anyway) and on the nightly news/ joyous· "as ' hell

are the most indicative of national that there's a pew factory opening in voters in these states told the country sentiment and the election outcome.

Springfield but perhaps "looking over they didn't like him. his shoulder, nervous about the Iowa American democracy, at best, opWhat we witness, every new elecresults, which put him neck-anderates through the voicing of opinions tion year, is idiotic pandering by journeck with some guy you've never heard of diverse groups of people and the nalists in election coverage to the of but here's an eight-second blurb making of a compromise.

At its worse, views held by a couple ofremote groups from his speech in Jackson the process of choosiI\g the country's Hole and isn't this funny it's top position is a chaotic game whose about Commies," as your 10roots and legitimacy can be found in cal drunk news reporter the press, which acts as a voter's winmight remember it. dow to the political world. To keep Bob Wilkins in Georgia ingesting such skewed information thinks that guy makes some and trusting the media's own warped sense, turns to Stacy May perception of the campaign trail is to and pledges to vote in the let the process become pointless. election, to do his duty as a One small, easy step to take is to good American and stop those at least not believe a newspaper that blasted Communists. Denise tells you that, just because some obHarrison in San Diego thinks scure person beat out the most nothe guy is ridiculous and distable candidate to date, they've got a cards him completely, decidgood shot at winning the Republican The media raves over Iowa. ing to support his opponent, convention. How do you know this the front-runner, according person didn't grow up in New Hampto Tom Brokaw, just to stop this perof voters, It's an insane and lazy way shire and knows every voter in Conson. And so on and so forth, from AI cord, even takes 'em out for lunch to determine news coverage, worse F.uddle in Raleigh' 6/ Jake and Rita every once in a while? Without readeven than coverage given to blurbs Hallwood in NeVada somewhere. about commies despite the half-hour ing and watching closely, we can't Every one of us ge'ts our informaspeech that included them. determine what is insignificant infortion about presidential candidates mation and what is not. Besides, why There needs to be more of a defrom the nation's news media. Decimand on the consumer's end to stop . ~ouldjournalists stop the way they're sions about viability are made, by the news publications from playing such doing things if it brings in readers? press, based on how each candidate Because people aren't telling them a silly game, to prevent them from does in each ofthese early and totally perpetuating some kind ofnutty myth what's up. Make fun of these silly overblown contests. Other primaries reporters who tell us who to like bethat's been going on for about 20 years. that carry much greater weight with This is the one that says the earliest cause of a poll of corn farmers . Maybe respect to population are breezed over they'll stop acting so ridiculous. Mt contests in a presidential campaign on evening news programs and in the newspapers, and we inadvertently take political advice from voters in New Hampshire and Iowa. If you are -Have you been by the powers-that-be? comfortable with this, then perhaps I should think again. Maybe these two -Are you an of the crimes of a ruthless and states, which we never hear about except in the first month of an elecuncarIng administration? tion year, are worthy of the weedingout influence they exert on the presi-Do you have something you'd like to about? dential campaign. The values of the people there are representative of those held by the rest of us, who rely - Do you want to help other people know about the on the press to inform us about who our next president might be. and happening right here, in Ann Arbor?

And it's possible that the press, instead of giving equal coverage to as many candidates as it can, makes a Well, we are here to make happy. ., few judgments on the outcomes of Call us or write to us and vent your early primaries in remote, unrepresentative states, and feeds us the results like readings from an oracle.

The people here all like him, shouldn't you like him too? It's simple bandwagon candidate commercialism, perpetuated by ·an all- too-eager media that want us to listen to it.

I don't live in New Hampshire. I never will. Nor do I live in Iowa, and I'm fairly uncomfortable with the idea that I may never even get the lowdown on a candidate who I might f) ' think: is a"Wortbyl ~<ttltemel',\ because . t '. i

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wronged

innocent victim

shout

in eq u iti es

injustices

people like you frustrationl

The Michigan Review is always looking for story ideas and news topics of interest to students, especially to our readers.

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THE MICIDGAN REVIEW

February 14, 1996

:l' SPORTSCENE

Baseball's:Jdentity Crisis small market teams to retain big dolcharity; create "spike able" baseball, Series will be ruined. No longer will lar players. require pitchers to spike the ball after two teams, entirely foreign to each every strike out. Whatever you do, other, fight to be best of the best.

After this season's strong fin:ish, make baseball exciting. the players and owners were finally Instead, these teams will probably This brings up the most critical united on at least one front: continuhave met during the regular season. point of all. It is not possible to "make" Here are a few suggestions of ingthe changes that would make them baseball exciting. Baseball is not about more money. The biggest ,---.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - , slam dunks and 140 points in a game. money maker required It's not about sacks and eighty yard one of baseball's most satouchdown runs and doing dances cred traditions to be after the team scores. Baseball is about scrapped. Nevertheless, it pre<;ision and endurance and tension. was passed unanimously, The reason it is the national pasttime and has since received lav~ is because every American knows the ish praise as a means to game. They know the importance of excite marginal fans once staying down on a ground ball, or at again. least the words to "Take Me Out to the The decision to allow Ballgame." Baseball is a game to watch interleague play in Major and analyze and admire, but it has League Baseball is an never been the thing to do ifyou are in enormous mistake. When the mood for a lot of action. the nuance of seeing the In the end baseball will endure, White Sox play in Wrigley boring though it may be. The changField wears out after five years, the ~things the owners and players might want to consider after marginal fans ing face of the professional game can owners and players are going to be in discover baseball is still baseball: paint never stop the simplicity of the game a severe bind as to what to do next.. the field a different color every day, at its heart. Baseball will remain a Marginal fans-rfiay come to see som~­ fixture in P,unerica's cultural landgive prizes to the first 1,500 fans who thing new, but after interleague play guessed which color it would be; bescape even after the Yankees play at is a few years >old, these fans will tween innings have opposing team Shea Stadium. It remained a fixture realize that baseball is still baseball. owners arm wrestle one another for .". ,"~ven when they did not. l\R Also, the mystique of the World

BY PAT ESKEW

W

HEREHASTHESOULOF baseball gone? Since the invention of the designated hitter and artificial turf, the game has tried almost anything to attract fans. Speed up the pitchers, juice the ball, bring in the fences, widen the strike zone- anything to make things more exciting. Still, baseball has been losing its appeal for the past 20 years, and fingers are being pointed.

The response of the powers that be in the game has been both ruthless and stupid. The commissioner was kicked out so owners and players could each do what they wanted. Inevitably, the strike came.

Ever since the ill-fated strike, fan disenchantment with the game has grown from worrisome to frightening. Simply put, most people would ra ther watch football or basketball, in which "things are happening."

In an effort to win back fans and, more importantly, dollars, both the owners and players agreed to divide the leagues into three divisions and expand the playoffs before the strikeshortened 1994 season. Last year marked the first time either league finished with a Central Division champ. The result of this new format has been to extract the allure of winning the pennant, replacing it with a nail-biter finish to find out which team gets the wild card. This change has added a great amount of excitement to the stretch run ofthe season and revived baseball consciousness in cities that had forgotten they even had a team, like Seattle.

Luckily, the two best teams in baseball made it to the World Series in spite of the extra series of playoff games. The expanded playoffs came out a winner in everyone's book. However, if the Dodgers had beaten the Braves or the YaIllfees beaten the Indians, a profound wake-up call would have been sounded. Fourthrate teams should not make the World

~POE1RY

For David His eyes are perceptive, yet kind Those lips: sweet and tender; This passion will help me to find The most lovely surrender.

And words that no woman could mind, Of sorrow are amender ...

That for which I had pinder Has now a sender.

-Michelle Williams

Betrayed I walked along the beach one autumn day, The air was crisp and yet the sun still lingered; I could not miss this young man along the way HiS gentle hands were so very well fingered.

His emerald eyes and skin of smoothest sand Enraptured me and held me fully captive, As he reached out his arm to take my hand, I could not breathe, my knees about to give.

Our hands were clasped. I beamed into his face. ... So thriled was I but perceived much too late That rage had formed. his heart quickening its pace And to my disbelief, he'd veered to hate.

He turned abruptly, tearing our hands asunder, And. like a fool, I could not help but wonder.

- Michelle Williams

Serie~

In American hockey, the joke of all professional playoff structures, a hot goalie can help a mediocre team rise to greatness. The Vancouver Canucks made the finals ofthe Stanley Cup in 1994 after finishing seventh in the West because their goalie stopped everything in sight. A hot pitching staff in baseball could do the same thing. Teams on the brink of playoff berths have traded away boatloads of talent for a premier pitcher in the past. Watch for this technique to become even more important with the rise in free agency and the ~ggl~ 0(.,

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Four Rooms: A Fascinating Concept

BY BEN LEROI

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STECHNOLOGYPROGRESSES, new ideas develop, and, traditionally, creative expressions, such as the cinema, evolve into more iconoclastic art forms. However, Hollywood is less daring and adventurous than it was 50 years ago. Movies have become so formulaic that it is often not necessary to see the movie to determine what is going to happen.

By now everyone knows what the essential ingredients are to the Holly- ' wood moviemaking recipe: a screenplay laced with cliched dialogue, a handsome star with poor acting skills (Keanu Reeves if you can get him), many explosions, and a multi-million dollar budget. Obviously, not all Hollywood films fall into this mold, but there is a general lack of experimentation in Merican film today.

The film Four Rooms courageously breaks into new territory not often explored by mainstream Hollywood, Then again, the film's producer, Quentin Tarantino, has never been accused ofbeing mainstream. Regardless of whether it receives critical acclaim or even succeeds within its unique premise, Four Rooms should be commended for trying something new. Hopefully, other original, creative films will follow the lead of this ambitious movie in the near future.

The concept involved with Four

Rooms is actually quite simple. The movie is set in a Los Angeles hotel on New Year's Eve, and its plot, true to the title, involves the guests of four hotel rooms. This is where the unique aspect of the movie comes into play: each room was written/directed by a different person. The only connection the rooms have is the hotel's bellhop, Ted, superbly played by Tim Roth.

Since Roth is 'the sole link between four stories told by different people, he must adapt his acting to each story without losing coherence.

As a veteran of breakthrough films (The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover; Reservoir Dogs; Pulp Fiction), he does so expertly.

Taking into account the fact that this movie involves four different stories with four directors and four casts, it is necessary to evaluate each story - each room - individually.

- Honeymoon Suite: The Jfissing Ingredient Written and Directed by Allison Anders Featuring: Madonna, lone Skye ,.< To put it in simple terms, this room sucked. The basic gist of the storyline is that a coven of bi-sexual witches has rented out the Honeymoon Suite to attempt to resurrect their befallen Goddess who had been turned to stone in that very same suite decades ago. Each witch has brought a separate artifact to throw

into a boiling cauldron. When all of the artifacts have been thrown in, the spell that has petrified their savior will supposedly be reversed. The hitch? One ingredient is missing.

Fortunately for the witches, the absent ingredient can only be supplied by Ted the bellhop. Unfortunately for the movie as a whole, the story is directed in a slapstick manner that could drive many viewers from the rest of the film Tim Roth is forced to act like an American version ofMr. Bean, an undertaking that need not ever take place.

By far the best room, The Misbehaviors blends witty writing with artful direction. The title refers to a brother and sister tandem who are left in the room under Ted's supervision while their parents go out for the New Year's festivities. Irreverent, dark, yet comedic pandemonium ensues. The result is the firm notion that Robert Rodrlguez has established himself as one of Hollywood's most promising up-and-<:oming directors.

-The Penthouse: The Man From Hollywood Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino Featuring: Quentin Tarantino, Bruce Willis

-Room 404: The Wrong Man Written and Directed by Alexandre Rockwell

Overshadowed by Room 309, this story is still well done. In a satire of mainstream Hollywood, Tarantino plays a big shot movie star who has rented out the penthouse for his oWn small private party. Tarantino and one of his guests have, drunkenly, entered into an unorthodox bet that requires Ted's assistance. Near the end of the story I found myself getting bored, but just then something completely magnificent and unpredictable happened. We all know that's why Tar8.Il:tino's The Man. As a whole, Four Rooms is an inventive, ambitious film. Though it has its weak spots, particularly in the beginning, it is still a great example of original filmmaking and worth seeing.m

Room 404 is a great improvement from the previous room, which, of coui;se, is not saying much. Ted accidentally enters the wrong room and finds himself in the middle of a psychotic marital dispute/sex game. Les<son for this room: ifyou call Ted by his full name, Theodore, you will incur a wrath more fearsome and threatening than can be imagined. Not much else can be gleaned from it, but it does break the goofY edge of The Honeymoon Suite and sets the tone for the last two rooms.

-Room 309: The Misbehaviors Written and Directed by Robert Rodriguez Featuring: Antonio Banderos

Ken Burns Talks About his Films BY

WILLIAM M. AHRENS

O

the Civil War as a "seething hell," lamenting that he knew that the real war would never make it into the history books. Even if we are told that two per cent of the U.S. population died fighting in the Civil War, "facts bythemselvesarenotthevitalstuffof history." Anyone who has seen Burns' films knows the truth of those words and the impact that his filmmaking style has. "With archival photographs and artifacts, diaries, letters and news reports, with sound effects and songs, I have tried to restore the myriad of voices of the past that speak to us not only of generals and presidents, but also of ordinary people, like you and me, who form the real fabric of our history and society: voices that remind us who we are."

The hour long speech was followed by an informal question-andanswer session in which Burns warmly described his experiences with historian Shelby Foote and addressed the different approaches which he took

N TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, the University's Program in Film and Video Studies welcomed acclaimed filmmaker Ken Burns to the Michigan Theater as part of the nationwid~ university speaking tour, "Making Film History: Sharing the American Experience."

Burns, whose documentaries The Civil War and Baseball are among the most highly rated programs in public television history, talked about the struggles of integrating what he called the "top down" and "bottom up" views ofhistory into a true and honest picture ofour complicated past. Warning ofthe "arrogance" ofhistory,Burns explained that in his work he attempts to take advantage of the fact that "the sources of memory lie in anecdote and story, those fragments of our past life that have an emotional coherence and stir an emotional response. This arrogance is conveyed in the words of poet Walt ~tman, who _d~scri~d ___ 'Y!l~n tackl.ing_su.c!ls~~mi?g!yincom-

patible topics as the Civil War and the national pastime. Speaking of Baseball, "As a historical filmmaker, I faced many challenges in telling this story, but the most significant may have been that so much of what I had to tell was already part of my audience's experience. Baseball also posed some challenges due to the enormous time period which we covered, time in which the visual record evolved from black and white photography through newsreel footage and finally to color film and video tape." Burns also stated that, as documentaries, he felt that Baseball effectively served as a sequel to The Civil War. In so much as The Civil War was a four year battle to abolish slavery, the real struggle for racial equality would continue for many years to come, and nowhere was the struggle more evident than on our nation's ballfields.

Burns credited Jackie Robinson's appearance in the Brooklyn Dodgers' starting lineup as the first real progress the .col:ffitry had seen in

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nearly one hundred years.

Burns also offered a preview of some of the diverse projects on which he is currently working. Debuting September of 1996 is The West, an eight part film which will document American expansion towards the Pacific under the controversial auspices of manifest destiny and the "competing impulses and irreconciable aspirations" which stood in our way.

The most distant of his projects is Jazz, a comprehensive look at the unique and improvizational American musical artform, which should be completed by the year 2000. In the meantime, Burns plans a series of single-episode biographies on a wide variety ofAmerican historical figures.

The series will include programs on President Thomas Jefferson, explorers Merriwether Lewis and William Clark, authorlhumorist Mark Twain, outspoken women's suffragists Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and architect Frank Lloyd Wright. l\R - "

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20

'Book§ y

Joe Keenan"r Puts on the Ritz

BY DEVORAH

ADLER

J

OEKEENAN'SPUTTINGON the Ritz (Penguin Books, 1991) is a fast paced and incredibly enjoyable novel that will make you laugh out loud without making you think too hard. Keenan's portrayal of New York City's high life - complete with child-like billionaires, sleazy tabloids, vicious talk show hosts, and omniscient gossip columnists - is a fanciful, farcical portrayal of the rich and famous .

Phil Cavanaugh, a perpetually ou~f-work lyricist, begins his story by commenting that his life had begun to feel like "an Edward Munch painting sprung to life" after the flop of his Broadway debut. In an attempt to cheer him up (while profiting in the process) his best friend and one-time lover Gilbert Selwyn finagles him a job writing songs for the frog-voiced Elsa Champion, a would- be singing star who is so rich that "she ovulates Faberge eggs." Thisjob seems like the perfect opportunity for Phil to repair his tattered reputation while earning

some much-needed cash.

It soon becomes apparent, however, that this job will entail more than Phil originally assumed. In return for setting him up with this lucrative assignment, Gilbert wants Phil to spy on Elsa's husband, Peter, a prominent and thoroughly detestable publishing mogul. Any gossip that Phil unearths will be used as part of an expose of Peter Champion's dubious business practices that Gilbert is writing for Boyd Larkin, a diminutive billionaire who is Champion's oldest business rival. Things become increasingly complicated and hilarious when Phil is asked by the Champions, in addition to his musical duties, to spy on Boyd Larkin. Plots and counterplots abound, with Phil and Gilbert hastily maneuvering to stay one step ahead of the game. The story of how the two manage to survive when their shenanigans backfire on them unexpectedly (and p-qhlicly) keep the reader' laughing from' beginning to end.

Keenan's characters are shallowly constructed; amiost all of the characters are little more than animated

stereotypes, but they are saved from being cardboard cutouts by the acerbic dialogue and tongue-in-(!heek description that abounds throughout the novel. Phil keeps a running commentaryon everything from fashion magazines ("I have nothing against fashion magazines per se, but I've never been able to see the point of spending money I don't have to look at men who won't sleep with me modeling clothing I can't afford"). to tasteless architecture ("If Joan Collins were a building, this is what she'd look like"). Keenan's campy, gossipy, bitchy humor is a continual riot and keeps the reader's interest piqued even when the plot's twists and turns become slightly overwhelming.

Although this book focuses on the story of two gay men, it is by no means '"a sensitive or enlightening portrait of •the gay community. Phil and Gilbert strike a few blows against prejudice throughout the novel (offending several suburban housewives as they strive to enlighten the passers-by) but for the most part, Keenan is content to play up and poke fun at the

prevailing stereotypes of gays and their community. Phil, Gilbert, and the other gay characters that Keenan creates are catty, promiscuous, and vain; one character is described as wearing "a blousy white silk shirt, black velvet trousers, little brocaded slippers, [and] a frilly white apron."

Despite their flaws, however, these characters remain infinitely likable and are more well-rounded than one would expect. Keenan's humor is not always as sensitive as we have come to expect in Ann Arbor, but the results are hysterical and well worth the suspending of your sensibilities while reading the novel.

The most attractive thing about this novel is that Keenan never uses his humor in order to disguise moralizing or a serious sentiment, as so often happens in books which depend heavily on farcical humor. Keenan escapes this mainly because there is nothing serious about this book; it's simply one laugh after another. Putting On the Ritz is a wonderfully easy and entertaining read that should not be missed. Mt

Is Alien Tongue the Next Wave?

BY ANTHONY WEN

T

HE CATEGORY OF LITERAture known as science fiction is frequently regarded as lesser than its classical counterparts . This is usually due to the fact that science fiction integrates science and technological issues into its books, which can alienate some readers. Even with authors such as Issac Asimov and Ray Bradbury that draw larger and more varied audiences, the science fiction genre customarily is reserved for those seeking refuge in a fantasy world where science, spaceships, and extraterrestrial beings often reign supreme.

The Next Wave, a series of novels released by Bantam Spectra, attempts to attract readers who might not usually read science fiction by placing current technologies in a future world where they have become commonplace. The series also proposes to introduce new writers who could be the next leading science fiction authors.

The first novel in this series is Stephen Leigh's Alien Tongue (Bantam Spectra, 327 pages) .

Despite this worthy goal, Alien Tongue is very much like other "stan-

make weapons, fight, lie, and mislead. The plot is almost too predictable. The Avians deceive the humans.

The humans deceive the Avians. Basically, everyone deceives everyone at some point. In the end, the humans fight and reason their way off the Avian planet and back home despite the loss of their spaceship.

Much of the dialogue in this book is spoken in Avian language. Leigh designs this language very haphazardly and in a very confusing way.

The language revolves around using many vowels, dots, and nonstandard pronunciations. Despite the presence of an Avian glossary in the beginniJlg ofthe book, it often took several readings of a certain passage to understand what was being said.

The chapters in Alien Tongue are organized such that each chapter represents the point of view of a different person. Sometimes a chapter is in third person and sometimes in first person. Though this can be a creative way of organizing a novel, in this case

dard" science fiction books that appeal to a small number of readers.

The focal point of the novel is a wormhole through which future Earthbased space explorers travel to an unknown distant poirit in the universe. The wormhole allows them to travel to this point instantaneously without having to travel the actual distance involved. Wormholes are believed to exist, although realistically, an Earth spaceship could probably not journey through one and remain intact. That notwithstanding, the book begins as one spaceship travels through the wormhole to rescue an earlier mission that had been .lost.

These astronauts encounter an alien race that they term "Avians" due to their bird-like appearance. The humans find that the astronaut on the earlier mission also encountered these Avians and taught them English.

With this premise, Leigh continues to describe the Avian culture and the changes that have occurred because of the arrival of humans. The Avians are organized in families (analogous to countries) and further • in a caste system, Before humans, the Avians were peaceful and honest. After humans arrived, they learned to -,

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it only confuses the reader.

Perhaps the saving grace of this book is the inclusion of two essays separate from the novel itself. The preface essay, by Issac Asimov, may have been included to draw readers to this series of novels. Yet Asimov's essay covers only a few pages and deals briefly with the main theme of the whole book, alien contact. The postscript essay more comprehensively covers alien encounters with man. It both refutes and supports several theories given for supposed alien encounters over the past century. An anthology of essays on this topic would probably be even more interesting than Alien Tongue.

Leigh puts forth a good effort in this book but falls short of the standard set by Asimov and other greats in the science fiction genre. Perhaps other books in The Next Wave series will be capable of attracting a greater audience, but Alien Tongue, while occasionally entertaining, just fails to make this grade. Mt

IRJEAID BOO KS '.

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The Pop Revolution is a Conspiracy

BY JESSE ACKLES

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EAR THE END OF MY JUNior year in high school, a new and soon to become unacceptable phenomenon arose. Before this dark era set upon the nation, the alternative music genre, which in its earliest days had been befitting of the label, encompassed. any rock or pop style musical endeavor that wasn't a huge radio success but still had groups of faithful listeners, often on college caxnpuses. The &grunge" genre, arguably an offshoot. of punk and hardrock influences, had fallen within the alternative category, relegated to a regional but palpable success of its own. Among other results of the widening alternative influence on the musical tastes of the American public was the heightened success offemale musicians, acoustically-inclined guitar players, and "techno" groups who Bought to alter the American dance scene with their European influences.

While all this was understandable and was something I considered at the time to be a positive development for my generation's culture, I didn't realize back then that we, as a people, were on the verge of something so horrible it can only be remembered as one of the darkest periods in American history. Reminisce in nauseated terror as I recount the new way in which our capitalist musical culture defined itself in the ensuing years, slowly but surely taking over airwaves and cable video channels and evolving into o~ of the most horribly twisted cultural,beasts upon which we have ever had the questionable opportunity of looking.

If you can bear it, grit your teeth and join as we delve into the roots of what makes some of us, at times, too angry for words. In order to stem the tide of what some call the Alternative Revolution and the rest ofus call The Worst Development in ·MuSical History ... Ever, it is necessary for us to understand the evil fortes that gave rise to it and acknowledge that it is not our fault. but that a good deal of the blame lies with others who, through their acute lack oftaste. have given legitimacy to the horrid noise that dominates our airwaves through the purchasing of awful album after awful album, through the requesting of unacceptable song after unacceptable song, and through the sacrifice of personal choice to the he11spawn DJs who sit in booths and play':, as far as I can tell, the same three CDs by the same three hellspawn bands, day after day. In some cases, the fault lies with the bastards who meet in their

garage or studio or wherever and exciting trend that you had deemed a chum out the gutwrenchingnoise that positive cultural aberration was beour "friends" purchase at the store. ginning to feel ... chilly, perhaps stagThey are the enemy - don't blame nant. But you listened and sorted, yourself for an evil that you are comdiscarding sounds you felt were not mitted to ending. on par with your (newly famous) faRoughly around springtime, 1993, a number of newly revamped radio stations began popping out of the woodwork. Many of them bore labels and used slogans designed. to make them seem more avant-garde than their competitors. You know them. You might have even enjoyed them when they came to your town.

They were &fue Edge," &fue Buzz," or ~he X," and their DJs all claimed to play new and cuttingHow many must cIe before the conspiracy is done? edge tunes that would.make your skin break out in angst. They somevorites, yet keeping your spirits up times sponsored your favorite, littlebecaus~ there was usually a good known group when it came to your chance ¥ou would find something you area, and you were excited, even optiliked, considering the number of stamistic that pop. music was taking a tioQ$ that were hopping on the new tum for the better, bec.att8e you never, music bandwagon these days. ever heard Roxette ·or Poison any' One day, you may have heard a more when you hit the .s ook button. line that went something like, "I like Sometimes you even heard The Police the movies and she likes the movies! or another long-forgotten group that We like the movies to~ether." and wondered what was going on. Or you'd always loved and respected but maybe you were chilling out to some hadn't heard since Reagan was in summer weather, driving with the office (this last bonus was soon exposed to be nothing but a void-filler top down, then were slapped in the face when a song you thought was on as manure salesmen hired by record Nirvana's new album was by somelabels began swamping the new staone you'd never heard of. You may tions with CDs bearing stickers that have been in a perfectly good mood said, "When You Play It, Say It!!!"). and off-handedly heard a local staThe following summer gave rise tion promoting the touring sensation to more of the same phenomena, with Paw, after which they played Paw's Lollapalooza sweeping through the newest (and only) and your gut reaccountry and gathering thousands of previously unaware patrons into its tion was to insert three fingers in your throat in order to purge the dewackiness. New and exciting sounds monic sounds that had entered your were explored in an unprecedented fashion by record companies and, in consciousness. You made a solemn turn, were given mass airplay, and promise never to visit Kansas, which marketing gimmicks were tested. you were told was Paw's home state.

They worked. They multiplied. So did Still recovering from this last the bands and their fans. Something unfortunate incident, you may have was happening, and at this point you been driving on a fa.st, two--Iane road were still hesitant to gripe just beon the outskirts of town and come within inches of your life when Lisa cause music that had been "yours" in Loeb compared herselfto J .D. Salinger the past was being exposed to ~very­ body (other somewhat misled alternain an interview, causing you to jerk kings and queens were not so hesithe wheel violently and involuntarily. tant, feeling they had been personally - For the next two years, everywronged, even stolen from, by ... uh, thing on the radio would blend tomass ... society ... god, that sucks). In gether. Sometimes you would hear fact, you may have been happy and something you liked, something that proud that musicians whom you'd alsounded like a band you had once ways respected and thought deser;venjoyed, and cheer madly when the ing of success were finally getting'it.

DJ announced that you were not hopefully mistaken. You would take What you slowly began to realize was that these established, worthy roadtrips with your girlfriend and go artists weren't the only ones getting through all of the stations, praying to their chance. So were a lot of other hear just one enjoyable tune to ease people with instruments, and you the ride. The two of you would watch became confused, ~ause a .new and the digits on the display ascend

quickly and come to rest, at which point the speakers would begin blaring Jill Saboule or "STP," so you hit seek and continued to watch, until your ears were met, on a different station, by the same songyouhadjust heard. This continued until the two of you were chuckling madly, laughter that came from someplace other than its traditional, humorous roots, the kind that might escape when your insane cousin starts telling dead baby jokes at ,a faxnily gathering.

At your breaking point, which may have coincided roughly with Alanis Morisette's harmonica- playing appearance/fiasco on Saturday Night Live, you drew your hand far back and above your head, made a fist, and, without breaking the stride of your maniacal chortling, brought it down hard in holy vengeance against your tuner display. This may, in fact, have happened several times a day. The end result: after a few months of uncontrolled reaction against such inexcusable behavior on the radio's behalf, it ceased to work. You tried every conceivable method and trick in order to get it to come on again.

Then you looked around. You weren't that upset. You felt better, more free, as if you had just flushed your rocks down the toilet and realized that you would never have any regrets about it. The silence was incredible, unintrusive, and pure. In the following days, your friends and family noticed that you seemed calmer and at peace with yourself, and you were convinced that you'd made progress when you stopped plotting to assassinate that Candlebox guy in order to make the world a better place.

But you are not complete, not yet.

You still catch glimpses of the world that you've tried so hard to sever yourself from every time you attend a party or hear a car go by with the window down, Bush blaring. You're aware of its existence, but you doubt you can bring yourself to face it again.

You are but a human, and this is a force so powerful' that, as long as it exists, the sky is not quite as clear and tha birds don't sound quite as enthusiastic in the morning. Rain tastes like soot, and you can't shake the burning sensation when you urinat2.

You've searched endlessly for s0lutions, but it seems that no matter how many people you plan to blow up. there will always be more Hooties and even more of their Hootie fans. So you walk, with your head pointed down, and brace yourself for the re- . lease of Soul Asylum's .n ext album, wondering how long it will be until you can sleep again. Mt

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Feb~14,1996 ',- . ','

Lyrics of Love

DREw PETERS

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ELL, IT IS VALENTINE'S Day, my favorite day in the whole damned year. Itgives me a chance to ponder love and my infinite hatred for the opposite sex.

You should ponder too. Here's some lyrics to help you along ...

"Nobody Loves You" by: Monsterland Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody ever loved you If I could see inside your skull And see why you talk too much I think it might give me a clue It hits you in the face Like a ton of bricks And leaves you bleeding From the mouth I guess in certain situations You might be forced to call this love I know you have your doubts I think you have your doubts And then it comes and hits you In the face again and again 'Cause you say nobody Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Nobody loves you Life is messy, love is sorry And you try too hard to stay true It covers you, it smothers you It leaves you feeling Like you mig.ilt have drowned But the only 18ve for you Lies six feet under In a hole in the ground I know you have your doubts I think you have your doubts And then it comes and hits you In the face again and again 'Cause you say nobody "One More Minute" by: AI Yankovic Well I heard that you're leaving Gonna leave me far behind 'Cause you found a brand new lover You decided that I'm not your kind So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex And tore all your pictures in two And I burned down the malt shop Where we used to go Just because it reminds me of you Thafs right, you ain't gonna see me crying I'm glad you found somebody new 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity Eating shards of broken glass Than spend one more minute with you I guess I might seem kind of bitter You got me feeling down in the dumps 'Cause I'm stranded all alone

In the gas station oflove And I have to use the self-serve pUmp Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase You ain't gonna break my heart in two Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face Than spend one more minute with you I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork Than watch you going out with other men I'd rather slam my fingers in a door Again and again and again and again and again Aw, can't you see what rm trying to say darling?

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches Shove an ice-pick under a toenail or two I'd rather clean all ofthe bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue Than spend one more minute with you Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue I'd rather dive into a swimming pool. filled with double-edged razor blades~ Than spend one more minute with youI'd rather rip my heart right out ofmy rib cage with1liy bare hands and stomp "<' on it 'til Idie . Then spend one more minute with you "Surprise, Surprise" by: Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

Well, I told friends of mine, you been tellin'lies.

How I was wrapped up in you.

But surprise, surprise, Surprise, surprise I never wanted you that bad 'Cause I knew you was tellin lies Knew you was tellin' lies I could see it in your eyes Why did you have to go and fool after We had got along so fine But surprise, surprise, Surprise, surprise Fate is never strange to me I knew you was tellin lies Knew you was tellin' lies I could see it in your eyes

With' your close all hanging off ya I know you been cheatin' on me I ain't no fool I've been good to you woman I give you all of my paycheck every friday I come home on time I don't cash my check I sign my check and I give it to you I mean, I'm doing what I can It seems to me you don't appreciate what rm doing I'm tired out there Makin' love to you You got fine clothes That I ain't got But I'm working hard tryin' to take care of you and my bills I'm mad though I'm mad Yes, I'm mad about it You said you'd be Diy baby until the end Honey, I'm tired the way you are doing I'm mad Darlin, baby, why don't you do right Once in awhile?

I'm nice to you And you know I am I'm mad The ole clock on the wall ain't gonna lie to me I'm mad ."

I'm mad "That Girl" (excerpt) by: C.W. Moss That girl, oh man She drives me really nuts I trust her as far AI!, I could shoot her from my butt

"Ain't Got a Thing" by: Jack Clement and Sonny Burgess Well I got a car, ain't got no gas I got a check, but it won't cash And I got a woman, ain't got no class Well I got a guitar, ain't got no strings

I got ten fingers, ain't got no riDgs And I got a woman, who ain't got a thing Well I got a store, ain't got no heat I got some drums, ain't got no beat And I got a woman, she ain't so sweet I got two feet, ain't got no shoes I got a wagon, ain't got no mule I got a woman, but she ain't true Well I got a piano, ain't got no keys Yes I got crackers, ain't got no cheese I got a woman, but she's quite straight Well, I got a woman, yeah, I got a woman Oh, I got a woman.

This song isn't about love, but something that can replace love ifyou play your cards right. See ifyou can figure it out. And remember, it's never too late to change those Valentine's Day plans ... · "SbeBop'" by:C.Lauper,S.Lunt,G.CorbettandR.Chertoff Well, hell, I see them every night in tight blue jeans In the pages of a blue boy magazine Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation

I'm picking up a good vibration Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar Huh, yea, I wanna go south and get some more Hey, they say that a stitch in time save nine They say I better stop or I'll go blind She bop, he bop, we bop, I bop, you bop, they bop, be bop, be bop, a lu she bop I hope he will understand She bop, he bop, we bop, I bop, you bop, they bop, be bop, be bop, a Iu she bop Hey, hey they say I better get a chaperone Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone No, I won't worry, I won't fret There ain't no law against it yet She bop, he bop, we bop ...

I knew you was tellin lies Knew you was tellin' lies I could see it in your eyes I hope you're proud of all your chasin' 'round Tbinkin' I was alone all night But surprise, surprise, Surprise, surprise You are only foolin' yourself 'Cause I knew you was tellin lies Knew you was tellin' lies I could see it in your eyes "I'm Mad" b~: John Lee Hooker Where you been thi,s time of morning?

I'm mad You come in here this time of morning

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A process of locating student housing whereby returning residents end up living ~ where they want, and non-returning residents end up living where they can.

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Quick. Easy. Efficient.

These three words describe University Housing's Lease Renewal Program: REAPP.

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Pick a room.

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It's yours.

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Unifle,.sity Housing

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"An Amaizin' Place To Live"

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pounding the pavement. security deposits. utility bills. headaches. No hassles.

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The Housing Information Office· The Source for All Your Living at Michigan Questions 1011 SAB 763-3164 TDD: 763-7781

~ Any registered UM student currently living on-campus or off-campus may apply to live in any University Housing room, suite, co-op, apartment, or traditional or

non-traditional hall. Some restrictions may apply by gender, special academic programs, health-related, sF>ecial programs, or extenuating circumstances,

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CAUONE - rlcono, mouarella, ponneson. salami & herbs ~ iI pino douflt (Ad<flfionol items 2S() , , ..•• , ••• , .. , 4.95 STROMBOU - soloml, hom. onion. mouorello and swiss ch~es wropped In pizzo douf! .•..........•.......••••.•••. 4.95 SOfT BREAD STICKS (6) brushed with ranlC blltter &loa 0( ponneson ond served with pino SOIK! ••••• • • • • • • • •• •• • •• 2. 99

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MAMA'S SPINACH PIE - olllhrnlJ' 'I noturol Greek reape ........... .. Alo Carte .. . 1.00

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