vol_15_no_11 by Michigan Review

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Volume 15, Number 11

April 16, 1997

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

LUCha Confronts Campus BY EvAN KNO'IT

WEEKS AGO, A militant student group called Latinas y Latinos for Change (LUCha) stormed a reception held for new University President Lee Bollinger and various campus student leaders. The reception, held in the Alumni Center, was put together by former MSA President Fiona Rose and the Student Alumni Council as a forum for campus student leaders to meet and discuss various concerns with President Bollinger in a casual, social setting. Shortly after the reception began, 25 Latino/a students stormed into the room and crowded out Bollinger's speech by banging on drums and chanting "La Lucha sigue sigue," which translates to "the struggle continues and continues." AFter the protest became too disruptive to carryon the reception, LUCha members chased President Bollinger out of the Alumni Center after he refused to set an exact time and date to mmet with the organization the following week. LUCha members, Bollinger, and 11 other administration officials met together last Thursday evening to discuss the Latino/a group's concerns. The LUCha IVembers claimed that Bollinger's office refused to respond to a letter the student organization had sent him which outlined 16 demands they feel are necessary to get the administration to fulfill its commitment to run a diverse, multicultural institution. The Revrew , after several attempts to contact LUCha member and RC senior Nora Salas, was unable to obtain the group's response to the reception protest or their meeting with the administration last Thursday night. Salas repeatedly declined to comment. During the protest, Bollinger diligently tried to maintain order and to

Serpent's Tooth

Nothing Is sacred in our mid of humor.

LUCha is not the only organization accomodate LUCha's concerns. "It's a on campus that has pressing conpriority and I will meet with you," cerns." Others attending the meeting said Bollinger. "I cannot, at this time, expressed regret because of the exguarantee a time and a place, but I tensive planning and funding that promise I will meet with you next week." However, the group was not went into setting up the reception. satisfied with his response and deFour members of LUCha and manded that Bollinger set a specific twelve University administrators met time to meet with them. The group last Thursday night in the Union to unsuccessfully continued its disrupdiscuss the group's issues concerning tion until Bollinger agreed to estabLatinos/as on campus. The meeting ended with little progress; the two lish a specific time and date to meet sides agreed on the nature of many of with them. LUCha's issues, but administrators Bollinger, who earlier last month ultimately clashed on the extent to was misquoted in the New York Times wi}ich the group's demands should be about his stance on 'student activism met. The biggest points of contention in the University community, made between the two sides concerned the strong efforts to reaffirm his commitgroup's demand for guaranteed fundment to listeninglo'8tudent concerns and supporting student activism. "I '" ing for Latino/a organizations, a new Latino/a cultural center, and a Latino! am very much in,.iavor of student idealism and activism," said Bollinger. a studies department simill:!J' to the Department of Mra-American StudUnable to deliver the remainder ofhis ies. speech over LUCha's chants and shouts, Bollinger decided to cut his speech and appearance at the reception short despite efforts from Fiona Rose to almost moderate the two sides. While Bollinger invited two LUCha members back to his office to BY EvAN KNO'IT set up a date to meet with representatives of the group, other student group AST WEEK, MICHIGAN leaders, MSAmembers, and adminisStudent Assembly President tration officials expressed dismay and Mike Nagrant and Vice Presidisappointment with LUCha's aggresdent Olga Savic announced that sive and militant tactics. One student former Students' Party LSA reprewho attended the reception wishing sentative Jonathan Freeman would to remain anonymous stated that "perbe heading up a task force to write a haps their concersn were legitimate new MSA constitution. The proposal, and their intentions good, but they which evolved during a strategic planwent way too far considering how ning meeting last week, is intended to open President Bollinger was to lisdecrease the complexity and difficulty tening to their concerns and setting in making legislative amendments up a meeting with them." He further duriIlg MSA meetings. noted that "the forum was set up as a "Freeman was around when we way for student leaders to meet with had our strategic planning meeting and discuss issues with President and he professed to be willing to head Bollinger, and LUCha's disruption it up," Nagrant said. Nagrant's supprevented many other people from port for Freeman is strong and his being able to voice their concerns.

MSA President Mike Nagrant stated that LUCha's disruption of President Bollinger's reception was "a miscommunication" and that Bollinger has been very open and eagerto setting up meetings with groups and listening to students. "1 think if they had realized that Bollinger was as accessible as he is, they would have been a little more lenient in letting him set up a meeting time," Nagrant said. While Nagrant said that the protest "made me feel proud to be a student," he also regretted that all of the effort and planning put into the reception by Fiona Rose and Ann Cole was wasted. A meeting has been set up for student group leaders to meet again with President Bollinger for Friday, April 18 in the Union. In the future, Nagrant stated that his proSee LUCHA, Page 6

New MSA Constitution

Proposed

From Suite One

In-depth analyses of the recent LUCha protest and campus library hours. • • • • • • • -.

•

Commentary: Hash Bash '97

Lee Bockhorn delivers his inSight to yet another washed-out Hash Bash. ·"' ..... ""' .......

~"T"

"~~

optimism about the idea is vast. "Freeman has a lot ofinstitutional memory; he's seen the procedure fall apart over the past three years and how people find loopholes to do certain things." To keep the effort non-partisan, N agrant also assigned Rules and Elections Chair Mike Pniewski to assist Freeman in the drafting process. According to Nagrant, the existing constitution has created a lot of unnecessary confusion and hassle for the assembly. "It's currently so specific and so big - the overall priorities are to make procedure a lot less stifling so that people aren't caught within the specifics ofthe [compiled) code and the constitution," Nagrant stated. "There's 38-40 people who are

Those Wacky Columns

Geoff leads this year's last Mystery Tour, as Ben goes running wildly after LUCha.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " ... ,._..- ..

See MSA CONSTITUTION, Page 6

"·611VING

.I.l

CUlTURf

Evan reviews the briliant new Pavement album; Chris interviews indieheroes Papas Fritas . .. .,.."'----,.. .. __ ...

.. ".J

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

THE MICHIGAN REVIE\\,

o FROM THE EDITOR'

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

.'(' :~"P

•Achieve the grim win." EDITORIAL BOARD

REETINGS! WELL, IT'S here: the last issue of the Review for the academic year 1996-97, It's been a fun year hasn't it? It certainly has been for me, When I joined the Review as a staff writer two--and-a-halfyears ago, I couldn't even begin to foresee the impact that working at this publication would have on me , I certainly never considered that I'd wind up being the editor-in-chief - at the time, I figured that my major accomplishment would be maybe getting to write a humor column. But then about a year and a half ago, I found myself being named managing editor, and in September, to my surprise, I became editor. I certainly had some big shoes to fill, and some major expectations to live up to. I knew that with a couple wrong moves, I could end up killing a fifteen-year-old tradition . Daunting, to say the least. But instead, the Review had a great year, and this past year will be remembered by me as one of the best of my life. For that, I have

to thank the staff of this fine journal, and especially the editors, for without them, this year could not have possibly gone as well as it did . Even more importantly, I have to thank you, our readers. Thanks to all of you who picked up a copy of the Review, who laughed, cried, got angry, or just sat back and thought about what we had to say, and thanks to those of you who took the time to write in and tell us what you thought about the paper. This issue, besides being the last of the year, also marks the last issue of my undergraduate career, and quite possibly one of my last as editor of this fine journal. In a short two weeks or so, I'll be graduating with my B.S. degree in Biology (strange degree for an editor of a political journal, wouldn't you say?). If all goes well, I'll be back in Ann Arbor in the fall as a graduate s~ctent,but if not, I'll have many fond memories of Ann Arb'br, the U-M, anc;l. of the Michigan Review. For those of you who will be joining me in wrapping up their colle-

giate careers, such as our Editor Emeritus, and my predecessor ,Mohan Krishnan, who is not only graduating, but also was honored as an inductee into Phi Beta Kappa: congratulations, and best of luck. To those of you who still have a few years left here, good luck, enjoy them, and, of course, keep reading the Review. I hope you enjoy this final issue of ours. We all worked very hard to "go out with a bang," so to speak. What better way to do that than with another fine issue of our Michigan Delay . Also, I wish all of you good luck on your finals (if you're anything like me, you may well need it!) and I hope you all have a great summer. ,~

ASSISTANT EDITOR: MUSIC EDITOR: PHOTO EDITOR: EDITOR EMERITUS: ILLUSTRATOR: NAVAL ATIACHE TO THE EDITOR:

Lee Bockhom Chris Hayes Reah Johnson Mohan Krishnan Astrid Phillips OCSN Rajeev Parekh, USNR

STAFF WRITERS: Simon Einspahr, Calvin Hwang, Nora Obringer, Maureen Sirhal, Jamie Smith, Daniel Succarcle, Nate Teismann, Josh Trapani, Miranda West, Mark Wilson, Rob Wood. EDITOR EMERITUS: EDlTOR-AT-lARGE:

James A. Roberts, II

Geraldo Armando-Ruil

BUSINESS STAFF

PUBLISHER & BUS. MGR.:

Lisa Wagner

STAFF: Joe Lester, Scott Russel, Josh Stern

Geoff Brown Editor-in-Chief

, by Reah Johnson

Tony Orlando LSA Sophmore "Tri-Delts."

Josh Zable RC Freshman "Myself ... so I could spread the wealth."

The Michigan Reviewis an independent student-run journal of moderately conservative and civil ~bertarian opinion althe University of Michigan. We neither solicil nor accept monetary donations from the U-M, and have no respectfor anyone who does. Whomever shall be the first to figure out the sign~icance of our quote wins five dollars. Review employees and their roommateslhousemates not eligible, By the way,.contributions to the Michigan Review are taxdeductibk1 under Section 501 (e)(3) of the Internal Revenue Cod~. The Review is not affiliated With any political party or university political group, Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocably correct and just Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin· ions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The opinions presented in this publication are not neces·' sarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal, as well as sacrifices to the thing living in our refrigerator. And Blimpy Burgers, Quints with pepper jack, onions, mushrooms, bacon, mayo, mustard, ketchup and pickles on an onion roll, preferably,

What Would You Like To See Cloned?

' ,'

Geoff Brown Lisa Wagner Benjamin Kepple Evan Knott Matthew Buckley Tom Jolliffe Kristina Curkovic

EDITORIAL STAFF

o ROVING PHOTOGRAPHER

-". -.---".'--~--"

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: PUBLISHER: MANAGING EDITOR: CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: NATIONAL AFFAIRS EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR: FEATURES EDITOR:

Please address all advertising and subscription inquiries to: Publisher c/o the Michigan Review. Editorial And Business Offices: 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 EMAIL: MREV@umich.edu URL: http://www.umich.edu/-mrev! Tel. (313) 662- 1909 Fax (313) 936-2505 CopyrighlO 1997. by The Michigan Review, Inc,

---"

All rlghl. reserved,

The Michigan Rev.... Is a member ollne Collegiate Network.

Sam Kirk LSA Freshman "John Holmes."

Tara Routolo RC Sophmore "I think it would be really cool if they could clone a sheep!"

Love us or hate us, write us. The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 or email with subject "Letters to the Editor": mrev@umich .edu

""'--' -'--" -"-~----------- --'-""''''----'''--''''--' ----

'i<"""

-~- -~~"C':. ,,:.~ . ~.:. -r:;M

'~",~~'1'';'~~ '''''''''

__'''_''''_>1i''''"'...."',_...__________....______

April 16, 1997

o SERPENT'S TOOTH In a stroke of journalistic brilliance, the Daily reported last week that a speaker for commencement had still not been arranged ("Graduation speaker for 'u' remains unannounced.") Here's a few other headlines they might wish to consider: • "1998 NBA Champions To Be Determined"

• "Film Academy Uncertain of Next Year's Oscar Nominees" • "The Earth Has N ot Yet Crashed Into the Sun"

Speaking of commencement speakers, we at the Review wonder what the administration really has up its sleeve. Hmmmmm .... how about this? "Bollinger boasts diversity with Judge Clarence Thomas while Catherine MacKinnon is safely away at U-Chicago." But then again, even though they haven't got one yet, it must be

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

}r.'¥

someone really, really, really bad. Recently, United Nations diplomats and New York City have gotten into a imbroglio over the pressing global problem of parking tickets. The UN doesn't want to pay them; NYC demands it. Look - this is New York. The diplomats are lucky that their cars are still there when they get back. This past Thursday, 12 administrators took the time to visit with 4 members of LUCha, the angry activist group. Given that LUCha only has 25 members, and that only 4 showed up to the meeting - does anyone else think the University is overreacting? Recently, Ron Holzhacker, a Political Science TA, began a fight to get UM's ROTC out of Nichols Arboretum. In response, LSA~J'Unior and ROTC cadet Jack "Wink" Pierce has started a countermovement'to rid Central Campus of "graduate students who

would rather defend a bunch oftrees instead of those who would defend America." Controversy arose on campus last week regarding a National Review cover depicting an insensitive and stereotypical image of the Chinese due to President Clinton's and AI Gore's fund raising tactics. Shouldn't we also be upset about the fact that AI Gore toasted champagne with one of the architects of the brutal Tianen men Square massacre? President Bollinger recently announced that he would be moving out ofthe Fleming Administration building to a central campus location that is more accessible. Great idea, Lee, whe do you suppose will be the university professors to get booted out of their offices to some decrepit office in the Perry Building's sub-basement? "" And how do you suppose the University will be able to keep away those feisty NWROC and LUCha members?

Subscribe to the Review... I By doing so, you can help support the Michigan Re'view, the alternative bastion of free thought and sane argument on campus. We provide the University of Michigan with coverage of campus affairs, national events, arts, music, and more! By subscribing to the Review by donating at least $25 a year, you can help support a 15 year tradition of powerful, concise journalism that informs the campus and you about what really goes on around campus, because the University administration bloody well isn't going to tell you. Even better, contributions are TAX DEDUCTIBLE under section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code, giving you an added bonus around tax-time. Please subscribe to the Review, and help us in our ongoing search for truth and justice; along with helping us promote sanity around here.

SUBSCRIBE TO THE REVIEW. The campus defenders of liberty, truth, righteousness, and sanity. ,~--"--~---~------.

Celebrated knee-jerk liberal Dean Bakopoulos recen tly inquired how one can be an artist without supporting government funding for the arts. Strangely enough, the entire Italian Renaissance, every work done by Picasso, and almost all music composed through 1950 happened to flourish without a single dose of government funding. Even Van Gogh, who was a miserable failure as an artist during his lifetime, survived. But wait, there's more. Doesn't Bakopoulos work for a publication that prides itself on not feeding off the University's public funding trough? Since many of our readers may be taking courses with an insanely politically correct TA this term, please be advised that one can no longer refer to "Biology" as Biology. Now, the accepted term is: '" Where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys ofthe imperialist drug companies' Department.»

YES!

I want to subscribe to the Review! I WISH TO DONATE: $25._ _ __ $5o_ _ _ __ (The cost of -1 112 pgs. per issue) $100._ _ _ __ (Our typical monthly phone bill.) $250._ _ _ __ (Our moving expenses.) $500_ _ _ __ FREE TOASTER WITH A $500+ DONATION! WEARE PERFECTLY SERIOUS! WE WILL SIDP IT VIA UPS TO YOUR HOME OR OFFICE. AND GET YOUR NAME IN THE STAFF BOX AS A "PATRON" $1000,-,_ _ __ GET YOUR NAME IN OUR STAFF BOX AS AN "EXTREMELY GENEROUS BENEFACTOR" (or whatever you want) EACH ISSUE FOREVER AND EVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME!! OTHER,_ _ __ NAME: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ ADDRESS: _ _ _ _ _ _ __ CITY: ST:, _ __ ZIP: _ _ _ _ __ Make checks or money orders (no cash, for your safety) payable to: The Michigan Review and send to: The Michigan Review 911 N. University, Suite One Ann Arbor, Michigan, 48109

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o FROM SUITE ONE LV Cha Protest Harmful

WO WEEKS AGO, 25 MEMBERS OF THE GROUP LATINAS Y Latinos for Change (LUCha) stormed into a reception intended for President Lee Bollinger to meet and discuss student issues with various campus student leaders. Banging drums and shouting Spanish chants throughout the room, President Bollinger was forced to cut his meeting short despite several valiant attempts to compromise with LUCha's members to set up a meeting. A week later four members ofthe group and twelve members of the administration including President Bollinger met publicly in the Union to discuss LUCha's concerns about Latino/a issues on campus. Demanding that University officials agree to immediately approve sixteen specific issues ranging from guaranteed funding for Latino/a organizations on campus to building a Latino/a student center, the administration resisted LUCha's aggression and left the matter up in the air. Despite whatever good intentions LUCha may have had in disrupting President Bollinger'S reception, this group has not only abused the rights of other student leaders to meet with the President but has also made a mockery of Bollinger's excellent open door policy and student activism on campus. The issues and concerns of minority students and faculty on this campus are indeed matters to which the administration must always pay close attention. In particular, the fact that members of the Hispanic and Latino/a communities comprise only a single digit percentage of our University's student and faculty, bodies is an area where the administration could focus its long term recruitment Ii efforts. Furthermore, retention rates for Hispanic and Latino/a students has become equally as troublesome as they are comparatively lower than otJ:ter groups in the undergraduate body. .' ~, However, members of LUCha continue to 路discredit their cause'" by undermining the administra tion's efforts in addressing,ooncerns for all minority students. The achievements and commitment by the administration to pursue and maintain a racially diverse campus through such successful programs as the Michigan Mandate must be acknowledged. Moreover, LUCha members continually present unreasonable demands and unwarranted threats ofcampus unrest to an administration willmg to listen to and compromise with their issues. Two weeks ago at LUCha's reception protest President Bollinger made painstaking efforts to try to establish a meeting with its members to the best of his ability. After giving his word to meet with the group, LUCha members defiantly refused to compromise unless an exact date could be set. As a new President who has tirelessly worked to meet as many students as possible, LUCha has not only dishonored Bollinger's commitment to addressing student concerns but also placed unreasonable demands on a chief executive who must juggle an everrehanging schedule. A week later, President Bollinger rightly told the group that signing their sixteen demands would simply be unacceptable. While a Latino/a cultural center and studies department might very well be a beneficial addition to the University community, members of LUCha simply refuse to acknowledge the impractical and unmeetable burdens oftheir demands. Where shall funding for for these new institutions come from? If the Latino/a community is to receive special treatment and lucrative financing for exclusive campus organizations, why not provide the same for every other racial and ethnic group at Michigan? The University of Michigan is one of the most pluralistic institutions in the nation and resources are indeed limited. The University's dedi~ation to diversity and the concerns of all minorities on campus must not be undermined by LUCha's excessive and unrealistic demands. The more pressing issues of low Hispanic and Latino/a student and faculty representation and retention at the University must be of primary importance to both sides of this matter. Only when LUCha is willing to compromise with the administration will any progress be made . The aggressive and militant nature of LUCha's protest methods do harm their movement so much as their continued refusal to work with the University administration rather than against it. This refusal poses a serious threat to the efforts of other minority groups on campus wishing to convey their concerns. Moreover, LUCha's excessive disruption tactics could undermine future student activism in the face of real administrative opposition . What~ver r.easons LUCha had to militantly express their concerns to President Bollinger should have been alleviated as soon as he acknowledged the importance of their activism and agreed to meet with several of the group's members. Instead, LUCha not only alienated perhaps the most important constituency of student group leaders and administrators on campus, but also created irreparable damage to their image and credibility. Future progress will be made only when both sides are willing to compromise and work together. l\R "'''~~' ~'-- '~~' ''-~-' ----~''-~'- '''''''''''''~ --- ' ~' ''''~--' ----''~ -

~'11

Dickjerkus vulgaris: a persistant, nauseating creature

o COMMENTARY Extend Grad Library Hours

ICTUREflHIS: AT THE GRADUATE LIBRARY STACKS, YOU study in sweet silence like the monk you are, your solitary academic vigil lasting some two or thry:e.hours after midnight. What what? Two or three in the morning - at t!le Gfad? Such a scenario is mere flight of fancyjust a pipe dream wrapped up in hope-chest fantasy, no? After all, the midnight .e xodus to theUGLi by displaced Grad library eggheads is a rite-of-passage for U-M students, a tradition f'orallperpetuity. YoU know the driU. In the midst of your Portable Emerson, you hear that hushed announcement that you have but five minutes to get out of Hatcher, so, packing up for that mad dash for the connector, you prepare to endure the UGLi's crowded h,!bbub. Sure, the UGLi is friendly. Everybody and their roommate hangs out there, lolling around and saying hi. Beneath the pretext of group-homework, it is really all about . weekend plans. In fact, you might as well break out the Orgo at West Quad's cafeteria. O.K., so I'm being harsh, but let's face it: the UGLi is less conducive to studying than its older cousin across the way. Even after the crowds thin out, the UGLi still wants in the aesthetic department. So why should the Grad close at midnight? Extending the Grad's night time hours is perfectly possible and ought to be a University priority. The resources available at the Graduate Library are legion. The reference room, serials and microfilms - not to mention the solitude offered by its carrels- are invaluable to U-M students. But after midnight, forget about it. Every week some student seeking these resources gets denied at the UGLi's third floor connector door. Empty handed, he or she makes a mental note to return earlier next time, but why should they have to? It is only natural to extend Grad hours. Keeping the Graduate Library open later should not be a money issue. Given that the Grad is inherently more useful, the UGLi's super-late hours are a waste of money. Ifnecessary, the Undergraduate library should close earlier, freeing up funds to staff the Grad after midnight. A similar option includes opening the Grad or UGLi a bit later in the morning, given the greater demand for library resources in the evening hours. Although it is a larger building, staffing the Grad after midnight wouldn't necessarily entail any more manpower than what the UGLi currently requires. In fact, this new system would see minimal labor turnover as today's night-time UGLi employees canjust relocate twenty yards. Furthermore, the circulation desk could close at the regular time, and certain departments of the Grad - like the Maps Room and Rare Documents - needn't remain open. The Stacks, Reading Rooms, and other big-draw Graduate Library attractions would, however, be available throughout the night. The Graduate Library'S current closing time is an illogical mystery. It is the place to get things done, and a cherished study site. Let's keep cherishing iteven after midnight. l\R - Tom Jolliffe

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

~ ~'

t.~, " ~.~

o FROM SUITE ONE Prop. 209 Over-ruling Wise

HE WILL OF THE PEOPLE WAS ADMIRABLY SERVED BY THE Ninth United States Circuit Court of Appeals when it overturned the injunction against California's Proposition 209. Finally, at least in one state of the Union, there will no longer be discrimination in public hiring, ME?! ... l ~ contracting, and education: all will be treated as equals, regardless of race, YOU KN~ HOW TO gender, or creed. In addition, the Circuit Court of Appeals made a wise decision THE HEW in overturning the legally flawed injunction against Proposition 209. OJN'U1tR S'{STtM· .. The original injunction, written by Chief U.S. District Judge Thelton Henderson of San Francisco, compared Proposition 209 to a 1982 Supreme Court ruling that struck down a Washington ordinance prohibiting busing. Henderson also rationalized that eliminating affirmative action programs would violate the Fourteenth Amendment, not to mention violating the Supremity Clause ofthe Constitution by conflicting with Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Such stretched reasoning was thankfully proven flawed by the Circuit Court of Appeals . The court rejected Henderson's comparison between Proposition 209 and the 1982 busing decision. Secondly, the Court ruled that scrapping discriminatory programs does not conflict with the Civil Rights Act. Naturally, the opponents of Proposition 209 will fight until the very bitter end, until there are no appeals and injunctions left to throw in the way of reason . One can understand the beliefs of almost all the people who do not support Pfoposition 20£}: they are obviously against discrimination and think that Proposition 209 will weaken anti-discrimination efforts. However, one must ask whether it is right to combat discrimination with _ discrimination. The voters of California were asked this question, and they responded with a resounding "No." When the voters have answered a question HE CLINTON WHITEWATER INVESTIGATIONS TOOK YET such as this, their view -a perfectly legal, just, and constitutional view another twist last week when Administration officials admitted to should not be blocked by the muddled thought processes of a district judge. trying to find employment for Clinton pal Webster Hubbell. Reports "A system which permits one judge to,blbck with the stroke of a pen what trom Administration officials raise serious suspicions that Hubbell's White 4, 736, 180 state residents voted to enact as law tests the integrity of our constitutional democracy.» said Judge Diarmuid O'Scannlain in the unanimous House friends may have been trying to keep Hubbell from speaking to opinion. The fact that an injunction by a district judge can throw such a independent counsel Kenneth Starr. As is the case with so many names mired in recent controversy, Hubbell was roadblock in the way of an act by the people is cause for concern. However, it also appears that the original injunction was a misapplied a friend of the Clintons back in Little Rock. As a partner with Hillary Clinton attempt by Judge Henderson to continue a bureaucratic system of social at the Rose law firm, Hubbell had access to billing records involving Whitewater, engineering. While the decision on his part to issue an injunction against a as well as understanding of the President and the First Lady's role in the perfectly constitutional document was legally flawed, we should still continue controversy. Hubbell himselfis rather shady: he pleaded guilty to felony fraud charges in 1994 after ripping off clients to the tune of $400,000. judicial review at these levels in order to nip such unconstitutional acts as Colorado's Amendment 2, a proposal denying equal rights to homosexuals, in After retiring from the Justice Department, Hubbell faced serious legal the bud. And the system of appeals that is currently in place, while cumbersome, problems. At this time, White House staffers under the consent of the First has apparently worked this time around. O'Scannlain correctly wrote that Lady made inquirie~ to get Hubbell legal work. Former top Clinton aide Mack McLarty, Mickey Kantor, and current White House chief of staff Erskine BowIe "preferences based on race or gender are constitutionally suspect and can be were all involved in the search. abolished by a state without violating the rights of any individuaL" The unanimous decision by the court further strengthens O'Scannlain's opinion. While appearances can be deceiving, there is no question that this mess looks bad for the President. Hubbell was (and is) a potential witness for Starr The problem facing Americanjurisprudence regarding Proposition 209 has fortunately been solved with the over-ruling of this injunction. By overin his investigations of Arkansas legal violations. The Clintons, continuing to turning the injunction, the Ninth Circuit Court has made its affirmation of stonewall over Whitewater, have a vested interest in Hubbell not talking about Arkansas, not talking about the Rose Law Firm, and not talking about democracy clear - that it will not stand for injunctions against laws that are Whitewater. If Hillary Clinton gave a go-ahead for staffers to find Hubbell perfectly constitutionaL Hopefully, Congress and the state legislatures will employment as any sort of direct or indirect payoff to keep quiet on Whitewater, take the issue of judicial appoinment and judicial review far more seriously in then these are very serious allegations indeed. the future. By doing so, we can hopefully ensure that legal decisions and The appearances of such actions should have been evident to the Clintons injunctions made in future are sound. This is vital to ensure that we keep debacles like this to a minimum . Our and their staff in 1994, the time of the job hunt for Hubbell. Both Clintons went to Yale Law School, and their top echelons are no half-wits. Even without legal elected leaders, whom we task with appointing decent citizens to the judiciary, transgression, they should have known this job hunt would look inappropriate. must do this and do it well. Proposition 209 has been much maligned over the course of this past year. Given Clinton's 1992 pledge to have the most ethical Administration in US history, his blindness to this sort of seedy-looking behavior is telling. However, the Proposition itself exactly reproduces the anti-discrimination wording in the 1964 law, with the only addition to Proposition 209 being The Administration line is that they were unaware of Hubbell's legal problems in 1994, and that they felt sympathetic towards a friend. However, wording that bans programs that grant preferential treatment to any group. The real meaning of Proposition 209 was stunningly and inadvertently this raises the question of whether White House time could have been spent on made clear in the Associated Press report ofApril 8th, which stated, "Proposition hetter things than feathering the roost of an old friend. Clinton, to be sure, 209, passed by 54 percent of the voters, would prohibit racial or gender would be the first to attack allegations of GOP cronyism and patronage politics. Why he shouldn't be held up to the same standards is a puzzler indeed. discrimination in public hiring, contracting and education, thus ending many I t is no shock that the Clintons have acted as ifthey have something to hide. affirmative action programs." Adding this to the thicket of other allegations against the Clintons yields a Proposition 209 serves as a way to end discrimination : regardless of whom picture of sordid disregard for appearances at best, and serious criminal that discrimination favors. Hopefully we can end such sanctioning of violations at worst. The tangled webs that the Clintons wove in Arkansas, alas, discrimination once and for all. How ironic that it had to start with Proposition show few signs of being untangled anytime soonl\R - Matthew Buckley 209. Hopefully, it will not be derailed in the future . l\R

OPEPATE

o COMMENTARY Hubbell Hush Money?

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

LUCha .~,:

Continued from page 1

posed minority roundtable "would probably be the most effective way" to deal with these matters. In response to last Thursday's meeting between the two groups, Vice Provost for Academic and Multicultural Affairs Lester Monts expressed some concern about the protest. "So many universities around the country aren't doing nearly as much as we are doing here," Monts stated regarding the University's di------,,_._- -- -_._.._...

MSA Constitution

. ' \'I""

versity policies. "We are committed to increasing diversity and the presence of Hispanic and Latino/a students and faculty and having issues surrounding Hispanic and Latino/a culture as a part of what we do in our educational matters," Monts added. Regarding the demands, Monts stated that "I want to be supportive of those issues that support diversity but at [Thursday's) meeting I didn't get a clear understanding as to where things stood." Mt

Continued from Page 1

LUCha's 16 DEMANDS 1. GUARANTEED FUNDING to support Latinalo community events at UM. These events are essential for the well being andretentibn ofLatinai o students at the University of Michigan. 2. LATINNO CULTURAL CENTER to attract a larger Latinalo community here at UM. This center would be an incredible asset tdthe University in recruiting and retaining Latinalostaff. ' 3. INCREASED RECRUITMENT, ENROLLMENT, and RETENTIONLatinalo recruitment should be made equivalent,wiWn twoyears, tothe-' national percentage of Latinalo population in. the age ran1ge of under-'" graduate students. ,.â&#x20AC;˘ 4. LATINNO CULTURAL L9UNGES- There should be at least one Latinalo theme lounge or room in each Residence Hall. The current lack

of recognition within the very structures of the University symbolizes our continued exclusion. 5, INCREASED FINANCIAL AID in orderto-facllitateinCr~sed enr611:-: ment and retention of the Latinalo student~. Financi~ Aid mu~t be expanded in the form of grants, not loans. 6. A LATINNO STUDIES DEPARTMENT-As we enter the second decade ofthe Program in Latinalo Studies at the University of Michigan, it is both deplorable and indicative ofthe University's "commitment" to Latinas/os that the Program in Latinalo Studies remains at such aprerilature level. 7. INCREASE IN TENURED LATINNO FACULTY across all disciplines. This is necessary for the retention of Latinalo students, and the creation of a 'diverse educational environment. S. INCREASE OF LATINNO ADVISORS in all schools and colleges. 9. INCREASE IN LATINNO RESIDENT STAFF across all positions. 10. REQUIRED LATINNO PROGRAMMING from Housing Special Programs . Latinalo Heritage Month, Chicano History Week, Puerto Rican Week, and Latin American Month must be celebrated and programmed for on par with other HSP programming. 1l. RESIDENCE HALL FACILITIES OPENTO LATINNO STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS. It is contradictory for the University to declare its support of multiculturalism while refusing to allow space for Latinalo events. 12. UM MUST JOIN THE UFW's CALIFORNIA TABLE GRAPE BOYCOTT. In accord with the University's belief in a multicultural atmosphere, we demand cultural sensitivity in the formation cif University policies, beginning with the University-wide support of the United Farm Worker's California Table Grape Boycott. 13 . GREATER DIVERSITY IN THE SPANISH DEPARTMENT- The Spanish department must recognize the importance, value, and utility of the Spanish of the U.S. Latinas/os and the Spanish of Mexico, Latin America and the Caribbean as opposed to Castillian Spanish. 14. EXPANSION AND REINVIGORATION OF LATINO INFLUENCE in the Office of Multi-Ethnic Student Affairs is essential. 15. RACKHAM MERIT FELLOWSHIPS AND THE SUMMER RESEARCH OPPORTUNITY PROGRAM must be open to people of Caribbean, Central, and South American heritage. 16. ALL OF THE AMERICAS must be included in UM's international programs, including Puerto Rico as a funded research site.

â&#x20AC;˘

mad because they don't always know what's going on," Nagrant said in terms of the extensiveness of the constitution. He stated that a new constitution would "allow for progress in making friendly changes and additions that are worthwhile without having to go through like 30 motions ." Currently, Nagrant's plans are big but his projected pace for the project is modest. "Our goal, as I told Freeman, was to make it 20 pages tops - with 50 pages, there's maybe two people on the assembly that actually know what's in [the constitution], like me or the Student General Counsel, Nagrant stated, adding that "we want to come up wi th a framework and even some of the specifics without making actual proposals yet because we want to make sure that student groups and everyone can take a

look at it." Another interesting twist in the proposal deals with graduate student assembly members who recently announced plans to break apart from MSA. Nagrant stated that "maybe creating a bicameral legislature" for graduate and undergraduate assembly members will be written into the new constitution to keep graduate students from breaking apart from the assembly. Nagrant suggested that perhaps the graduate student branch of the assembly could meet every other week to better discuss their concerns, which often conflict with the interests and resources allotted to undergraduates. Support for the idea seems to be strong already. "Everyone I've talked to has like the idea," N agrant said. "Once we come up with a good document we'll submit it the Rules and Elections Committee probably some time in September." l\R

Hey! Are you wondering how to reach more potential customers, and how to get more bang for your advertising buck?!? Advertise with the Michigan Review! Join the legions of advertisers who are reaching vast masses of students!! Want to know more? Call Lisa at 662-1909 Or email MREV@umich.edu!

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o VIEWPOINT: THE LANGUAGE REQUIREMENT

Speaking.Jn Tongues BY KRISTINA CURKOVIC

EDUCATIONAL IDEALS slip away from traditional standards toward a newer, more diverse curriculum, it is surprising that the University population is so eager to rid themselves of the language requirement. If diversity and ethnicity are as important as they seem to be in the curriculum, then dropping the language requirement would lead to a loss of a part of diversity on campus. More than any ROE requirement, learning a foreign language introduces us to the deepest part of a culture. To be able to articulate - however poorly - in a foreign tongue demonstrates our respect of and desire to learn more about a group's culture. Whereas many countries in the world are multilingual, the majority of Americans speak only one language, and this only manages to close the U.S. off from other cultures and countries. There are advantages to learning a second language, even at the university level. It seems that many students come to college without much

knowledge of grammar, and the only Getting rid of traditional requirecontact they have with grammar inments like Shakespeare and certain historical teachings have led to quesstruction is in foreign language classes. The first time many of us tions about what exactly students are finally learned about infinitives and learning in colleges. Learning a secpassives was in a language class, and ond language has always been an knowing details like these leads to important part of education from its understanding of our own writing. beginnings when it was common to IE,)arn not just one language, but sevLearning a second language enhances knowledge of English grammar and eral, and to study not just modern languages, but dead ones like Latin vocabulary and broadens the complex cognitive processes involved in lanand classical Greek. Academic ideals seem to be slipping away to make guage and communication. There is an American expectation education more accessible and, that all communication should take frankly, to make it easier. Students' place in English, and that the learnmajor problem with the requirement ing of a foreign language is simply a is the difficulty oflanguage courses at school subject, not a process of develthe University. Learning a foreign language separates true learners from opment. There is an entire program on campus devoted to English as a others, and - frightening as it may be for some - can be an indicator of second language; a similar program focusing on how English-speaking eagerness and ability to learn. students learn foreign languages ~ Granted, working hard to learn a would lead to intelligent changes in language that we might possibly never the curriculum. Students and espe- .. use after the term ends is a waste of cially teachers to look at second ... effort. Yet, there is something noble in that effort, isn't there? Is there just language acquisition differently to understand that what is important is one person out there who agrees that communication - nothowmanyverbs there is something comforting in comand conjugations can be memorized. ing across a quote in Spanish, French,

neta

German or even in Ojibwa - a quote that we can understand and translate while friends watch in amazement and wonder? Isn't there something inspiring in the ability to understand people talking in Arabic, Swedish, or Italian at the mall? Something heartening - yes, heartening - in going to a foreign country and being able to get around reasonably well (until you find someone who speaks English)? Obviously, the language requirement at the University needs to be reevaluated with student input and second language acquisition research. Times are changing, and so must the way we look at language and academics in general. But until that day comes, the University must hold strong to its position and retain the language requirement. To lose it to a mass of students in the name of laziness and close-mindedness would be a travesty. To sacrifice the language requirement would mean failing to live up to the University's commitment to diver~ity, its usually high standards of academics, and would mean losing contact with the rest of theworld.l\R

Missed joining the Review this year? Join us next year. The Michigan Review is always looking for interested people who want to get involved in publishing a top-notch student newspaper: whether you are writing a story, working on the business side, or helping copy edit. With a variable time commitment and no arcane hiring practices, you can really get involved with the Review from Day One. Even if you are unsure about the Review, we'd be glad to answer any questions you might have; or you could stop by one of our fun staff meetings in early fall. And, of course, there will be our Festifall table ... so while the sun is setting on this academic year, remember that the sun will be rising on the next one all too soon.

For more information, send us an e-mail at: mrev@umich.edu ....

"" .......... 'Jk"."

'fit .. '""' .. '. ~ â&#x20AC;˘ 'It .~~~~ __4::":~'_~''>'!

\f"4t~~'~"lt.:..,,,,,," â&#x20AC;˘.(t,~ ~:~.'411~'~~j;':'_~"~Âˇ~,'1\,>\

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o CAMPUS Focus

Hash Bash: A Relic of the Counterculture \ \';'

I,><

BY LEE BOCKHORN

T TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF conscious effort on the part of aU ofM student to avoid the annual spectacle of "Hash Bash." Only in Ann Arbor can one witness the curious sight of several thousand people demonstrating for the "right" to fry their own brain cells. I suspect there are a f.,'Teat many who view the annual April proceedings on the Diag with some mixture of curiosity and revulsion - those who, while not totally approving of the general atmosphere oflicentiousness and drug usage, nevertheless feel that as long as those involved aren't bothering you or me, there's really nothing wrong with it. Unfortunately a great many people seem to have adopted this "live and let live" attitude towards their fellow man. This coincides with the central tenet of the legalizers' argument: if someone wants to get high, it's none of your damn business. A noxious mixture of this moral relativism with a celebration of "hippie culture" makes Hash Bash one of the last remnants of an era which, thankfuliy, is slowly retreating to its grave deep within our nation's psyche: the Sixties. Hash Bash, nominally a serious demonstration on behalf of marijuana legalization, is mostly about people who fondly recall the Sixties and wish to keep that decade's memory alive in themselves and others. It would be better if we stopped trying to relive those memories, though, because the social consequences of that decade are proving to be enough for 'our country to handle right now. The most troubling aspect of the legalization movement is the utter cynicism and mental and spiritual apathy it embodies . Many of those who use drugs do so, I suspect, because they have never been challenged to use their moral imaginations to conceive of a better world. They have resigned themselves to a view of the world as a terrible place, where life is meaningless and sensual gratification is all that is left to pass the time of one's dreary existence. Many people in the Si..xties wanted to transcend that perceived mundane reality - to "break on through to the other side," as the Doors put it - and believed they n eeded chemical stimulation to do so. F ortunately, many of us now know that there are other meth ods - religi on, art, music , litLee B ock hom is a junior majoring in Mu sic and Political Science. We thinh he needs to smoke some weed.

~~i ~

care about their President's ethical failings, especially a President who is a quintessential "child of the Sixties" Boomer. This is why the movement to legalize marijuana, and the larger idea - . ~·.P.~" ' '1:\ .• ~,"~:' • ~"'-' '.• "iI. . " .' , ' .1 • ~ ~ . .: . '0 ~ ~,. of moral relativism • • '. • t»! i.'. " . .., :-from, is .. \ . " ~- ~ ~ . ' .. '" . itso evolves , ... . . : ..... ) / _. - o!\,'Q,- " damaging. To .... I . • \.. ....... • paraphrase an ob1'" ' l'-:"~' I .... - ..... 1":.. • .--~.; ~. .-.. ......~ servation of T.S . ~ . \ . -~., Eliot's, when pri.~' ~vate morality declines, public mo'wi; J .. 'rality does also. As ~ . :)' ,14 , '" ",1. • . .... ~ soon as it becomes acceptable to think "Hey, it's his life, I .-V can't judge, let him smoke pot as long as he doesn't harm Hash Bash allows one to drum with a large audience present others," then a short slide down a very slippery slope stupor. is all that is left to a society where it Perhaps the most destructive is actually okay for a president to lie, message the,..Sixties have sent is the cheat, or sell the Oval Office to the concept ofinoral relativism - that highest bidder. After all, who are we one does not have the right to judge to judge, as long as he doesn't "harm others or hold them morally responothers" by screwing up the economy, . sible for their actions. The terrible or getting us involved in a war,?' " . consequences of this reasoning are all around us today. The incredibly high Fortunately, while many Boomers illegitimacy rate (now approaching are making pilgrimages to Hash Bash 30%), the grotesque glorification of or Woodstock revivals in a desperate violence and abuse ofwomen one hears attempt to hold on to the Sixties, all in "gangsta" rap music and views on around us the great icons of that era television and in movies, the latest rise in drug use among the young - all owe their existence to the atmosphere of decadence and indifference the Sixties celebrated. Nowhere is this awful stuff more prominently display than in our current presidential administration, which is staffed from top to bottom with A middle aged Hash Bash participant gets funky. people who came to "maturity" (if one can are slowly fading into obscurity, or call it that) marinated in the Sixties "counterculture." Every other day we worse. Tom Hayden - former editor of the Daily, leader of Students for a hear another story about the Clinton Administration's ethical lapses, and Democratic Society, member of the yet no one seems to care; Clinton's Chicago Seven - was just trounced approval rating currently stands near by Republican incumbent Richard 60%. Now everyone from Lee Bollinger Riordan in the mayoral election of Los to the Washington punditocracy is Angeles, not exactly a hotbed of conoffering their spin on why this is so, servatism. The leader of the "Deadheads" is now truly dead (whether but the answer they all seem to miss J erry Garcia is "grateful" is anyone's is painfully clear: when a majority of the population is brought up to beguess). And of course, last week "Beat" lieve that they shouldn't judge other's poet Allen Ginsburg also died. actions based on their own idea of Meanwhile, much to hippies' dismay, a nationwide survey last year of morality, one should not be shocked when these same people seem not to college students revealed that a grow-

erature, volunteerism, even sports are just a few - which one can use to cope with the nuisances of the everyday grind, and which don't involve putting oneself into a narcotic-induced

~. '"

..... ,. .

,,0,.

.,'

., '0

'h.

\J ~ ..

' ; ' : ~.'-~ ~ -1 ~

"_·_··_ " _ _

._~

ing number of them are embracing conservative, "establishment" values, like family, volunteerism, monogamous sex in committed relationships, and general human decency. Perhaps what many of the rising generation are realizing is that the shenanigans of the Sixties, which paraded under the puffed up title of "counterculture," were all about the "counter," and had little legitimate to say about what kind of society would be erected in place of the culture the hippies were trying to tear down. The intellectual vacuity of the movement is embodied in a quote by one of its early heroes, Marlon Brando, in the late 1950's movie The Wild One. When asked by a small town teenage girl ''What are you rebelling against?", Brando's character, the leader of a motorcycle gang, retorted "Whaddya got?" In the Sixties, the rebellion was all that mattered, not what its results might be. Nowadays there are those, if still too few of us, who have more pressing concerns than whether U-M has enough minority student lounges, or whether pot is legal- such as, trying to walk home from the library without getting mugged; or pondering how society can survive when our schools have been transformed from places of learning to free condom dispensers. Our generation has grown up learning to expect tremendous change half of our parents are divorced; things we used to take for granted, like safe streets and good schools, cannot be taken for granted any longer. While change is necessary and important in a dynamic, free society, it is the permanent things- values , customs, family, cultural traditions, morals, character - which enable a society to adapt to and transcend change. Perhaps, in the wake of a generation dedicated to self-indulgence and selfabsorption, the voices ofreason in our own generation may begin to speak on behalf of those permanent things and be heard. As Russell Kirk wrote, "most of the rising generation have experienced little of continuity and stability; the expectation of distressing change has been far greater. Yet many of them sense that much remains to conserve, and that much ought to be restored. In the later Sixties, some of the rising generation fancied it amusing to pull down what earlier generations patiently had built up. In the Nineties, I trust, many of the rising generation will find it satisfying to restore and redeem their patrimony - so t o save the world from suicide." Amen to that. Ml

_ _ ' __"'_ *VI'« _ _' _

~ '/!~1111'''-

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

Proposition 209 ,yets Back on Track BY MATTHEW BUCKLEY

PPONENTS OF CALIFornia's infamous Proposition 209 suffered a major setback last week. In a 3-0 decision, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals struck down an injunction blocking the referendum . While the case is sure to stoke more controversy, the appellate court ruling makes for interesting reading. Only pages into the decision, its essential claim is clear: "A system which permits one judge to block with the stroke of a pen what 4,736,180 state residents voted to enact as law tests the integrity of our constitutional democracy." That judge, Thelton Henderson, moved to block Prop. 209 last December after a majority of California residents voted to end race-based preferences. The proposition would have banned the state from granting "preferential treatment" to citizens on the basis of "race, sex, color, ethnicity,'or national origin." The proposition's _backers, led by California governor Pete Wilson and University of California Regent Ward Connerly, pro-

posed the measure to counteract afattle School District No.1, in which a firmative action programs at UC and _ citizen -backed initiative ended in the awarding of state contracts. chances of busing for desegregation Though the measure passed by a purposes. Henderson used the decision to claim that programs of "sig54-46% margin, a group of organizations led by the Coalition for Econificant interest" for minorities could nomic Equity spearheaded the lawnot be ended by citizen referenda. The Ninth Circuit Court tossed suit which led to the district court restraining order. Judge Henderson out this argument, noting there is a argued that the injunction was reclear conceptual difference between a quired since the proposition was probreferendum that acts to prevent equal ably unconstitutional and that guidprotection, and one that aims to prevent racial preferences. Given this ance from higher courts was necessary before the measure was enacted. difference (which is also found in the The bulk of the Ninth Circuit's recent Court case ofAdarand v. Pena), the Ninth Circuit argued that decision argued that Henderson was wrong. Judge Diarmuid F. 0' Henderson's belief that the measure would be blocked by higher courts Scannlain looked over Supreme Court was an "egregious error." precedent and noted that "[aJs a matOf course, this case is far from ter of 'conventional' equal protection analysis, there is simply no doubt dead. The Coalition will certainly that Proposition 209is constitutional." appeal the decision, and several aventtes lie open. First, the group will Recent cases like Shaw u. Reno have seek an en bane hearing, in which a established that the Constitution's Equal Protection Clause is meant to -larger panel of judges will hear the end government.,.sPoilsored racial dis- .,. case. Ifthat is denied, or if the en bane panel affirms the current ruling, then tinctions, as they create and spur racial tensions. ' the final step is the Supreme Court. Henderson's keystone argument The Court will not be friendly to used a 1982 case, Washington us. Sethe Coalition's claims. The recent

Adarand case provided insight into the Court's current leanings . on the question of race-based preferences, and it does seem that opponents of 209 should not be optimistic. In AdfLrand, five Justices, including the crucial swing vote of Justice Sandra Day 0' Connor, held that racial preferences can only be justified under a "strict scrutiny" standard. Given that these Justices (Rehnquist, Scalia, Thomas, and Kennedy, and O'Connor) accept that the Equal Protection Clause is not amicable to racial preferences, all five would probably uphold the proposition. It is doubtful that this decision would be 5-4, however, since the issue at hand is more than just the constitutional nature of racial preferences. This was a decision where a district court judge undercut the power of the . community to govern itself. Reportedly, some want to toss Judge Henderson from the bench. While this potentially sets a dangerous precedent, the Prop. ,209 debate does display a serious concern - unelected judges imposing their personal views on the citizenry. ~

YOUR TEXTBOOKS = FREE MONEY

FREE MONEY = FREE STUFF

••• ••• ··1 •• Bring your textbooks to Michigan Book & Supply

317 SOUTH SWE STREET

and for every $10 worth you sell we will give you $1 in MBS money to be used on anything in , the store Apri121- May 2

Mexican

'i" " :'fr, "'i>'

Restaurant Alliteme except ahllf aan ~e vegetarian on request. We uee PUnt low aholeeterol vegtJta~le all.

$5.00 minimum delivery. $1.00 delivery charge. limited delivery area.

Huevoe Ranaheroe: Two eggs any way you like, with beans and cheese, stacked on two fried flour tortillas smothered with enchilada 6auce ................. 4.99

Bunito: Large flour tortilla filled with !:Jean6, chee6e, onion6, tomatoe6, and !:Jeef or chicken ............. 4.89 Dou!:Jle meat . ............... . .......... . ........ 1.25

Mexican Pizza: 12-inch fried flour tortilla with !:Jeef, . chicken, or bean, onions, cheeee, !:Jlack olives, tomatoes, ~ green pepper, sour cream, and guacamole ....... . . 10.99

WfIt, Burrito: A !:Jurrito 6mothered with mild red 6auce and chuee ............................ . ....... . 5.79 Dou!:Jle meat ............. . ... . ............. '..... 1.25

Tac::o: Soft or Cri6P tortilla, !:Jean6, !:Jeef or chicken, chee6e, onlon6, lettuce and tomato . ............. 1.39 or 6n.50

333 East Huron

Jerk Chicken Salad: Lettuce, tomatoes, onion, green pepper, cucumber, avocado, cheese, and Jerk chicken ....... 5.89

5upar Grandfr. Same a6 the Nacho Grande, only our Super Grande i6 !;JIg enough for two or more . ....... 9.49

Quesadffla: Chee6e, onlon6, and tomatoe6 !:Jetween two grilled flour tortilla6 & 60ur cream on the 6ide .... . . 3.79 with !:Jeef or chicken ........... . . . ...... . ..... . .. 4.69

11 AM TO 11 PM

Taco 5alad: Lettuce, tomatoe6, onion6, green pepper, chee6e, !:Jlack 01ive6, choice of !:Jeef, chicken, or bean, with our own spicy dressing, all on a layer of crushed nacho chips. Choice of two sizes . ........ . ......... 4.49/5.89

Nac::hoe Grandfr. A meal for one or appetizer for t.wo. Chip6, !:Jean6, !:Jeef or chicken, onion6, chee6e, !:Jlack 0live6, green peppere, tomato, 60tir cream & guacamole . ... ?89

Enc::hllada: Soft com tortilla6 filled with onion6, chee6e, choice of !:Jean6, !:Jeef or chicken topped with mild red 6auce and chee6e ......... . ............. . .... . .. 4.49

761-6650

We Deliver!

Nachoe: Chip6, melted Monterey Jack ana cheddar, and JaiapePr06 on reque6t ... . .. . .... .. ............... 2.59

Chlml-Chanea: Large flour tortilla deep friea 'with !:Jean6, onlon6, chee6e, !:Jeef or chicken, with 60ur cream on the 6ide . . ................................ :': ....... '5.79

OPEN 7 DAYS

Mexican 5andwlch: Three fried flour tortillas spread with Spanish rice, refried beans, your choice of !:Jeef, chicken, or !:Jeans with onions, melted cheese, enchilada sauce, lettuce and tomatoes . .................... : ..... 7.69 Chili Friee with Cheeee: Large, skin-on, ranch-6tyle fries topped with our award winning <?hili. and cheese ... . . 3.69 Chili Plue: Meaty, hearty and' ~piCY 6erved with chips. Blended with onions and !:Jeans on request ...... . .. 3.39 Cheeee, add 60Â˘: sour cream, add 40~ Bean Dip with Cheeee and Chipe ............. 1.99/2.49 Guacamole with Chipe ...................... 4.29n.29

Toetada: Open-faced taco on a cri6p corn tortilla ... 2.59

Mexican Dinners Tac::o Dinner: Two '60ft, one cri6p taco, !:Jeef, chicken, . or !:Jean, with 6ide order of rice and !:Jean6 .......... 6.59 Enchilada Dinner: Three enchilada6, !:Jeef, chicken, or bean, with 6ide order of rice and !:Jean6.................. 6 .99

All items served with your choice of mild, medium, hot, or extra hot salsa. Rice & Beans with any entree . . . . .... . ...... 1.99 Double meat on all items .......... . ........ 1.25 Double cheese on all items ......... . ...... . ..75

lioe Coml>o: One cri6P taco, one !:Jurrito, and one enchilada, !:Jeef, chicken, or !:Jean, with 6ide order of rice and !:Jean6 .......... . ...... , . . . , . .. .... . . , ..... 8.49

32 oz. ri06 refilla!:Jle cup .......................... 1.49 Coke, Diet Coke, Root Beer, Sprite, Mello Yellow ... 89/1.09 Cider .... . ..... . ..... , . , . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .89/1.09 Iced Tea: Brewed. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .89/1.09 Lemonade ......... . .................... . ... .89/1.09 Milk6hake6 ......................... . .. . ....1.59/2.2'9

Side of Sour Cream. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .40 Side of Guacamole . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .90 Chips ........ . ... . . . .. . ..... . ..... . ........ .. . . .85 Spanish Rice ... . ..... . ........... 112 pint 1.19/pint 1.89 Side Salad ..................................... 1.99 Beans . .... . .......... . . . .. . . . .. 1/2 pint 1.39/pint 1.98 Extra Salsa ... . ...... . ... , . , .. , . , , , . , , , . , . , , . .. .30

(Chocolate, Hot Fua~e. Strawberry, Vanilla, Almond. Coffee. Banana)

(Your Choice: mild, medium, hot, and extra hot)

'---"--...-.'-'-..----~ -----------

' - --~-.

\Ie e

elap

tcbtgan \

Weather

Tonight: Dark. Tomorrow: Look out the window, you lazy burn.

Wednesday

ill "

One hWldred six years of editorial indecision

April 16, 1997

Bollinger Chokes on Fish at 'Diversity Forever' Banquet By Wink Kepple

Earth on Collision Course with Sun MOUNT ARECEIBO, PUERTO RICOScientists discovered that the Earth is quickly spiraling into the sun, and that the end of the world will occur in thirty days .

;

...

.......,_ _ _ _

__ __

__m"""''''''_ _ .....,.,â&#x20AC;˘.'__

See LOCO, Page 20

4D 'ANONYMOUS' REVEALED

3D OPINION .

. . . "",,,,,

listening? Hello?" "The University does not have that credibility." Ramirez said. 'They 've lost our trust altogether. We are not distrusting the University and the Administration with no basis. If you all were doing your job, we would not be here . Justice is not negotiable." When this reporter asked LOCO how indeed Lations were being marginal ized on campus, oppressed, and discriminated against, LOCO members were s ilent for a moment, then began to chant "La luella sigue sigue! La lu e}za sigue sigue!" When this reporter asked again, he was hurled into the ice sculpture and ended up face down in the punch bowl. Bollinger angrily left the event after a basket of California seedless grapes was thrown in the directi on of the podium. LOCO members followed Bollinger out the doors of the Alumni Center and through the Diag. "We shall not stop until all our demands are fulfilled! There can be no compromise on justice! Sure, we're making justice subjective! But we demand justice! Justice now' Hey' Get back here, Bollinger, you Anglo

HEY! I'M PAYING FOR THIS MICROPHONE!" The LOCO students demanded that Bollinger fulfill their demands in 48 hours, or they would march around campus shouting nationalist slogans in Spanish in order to be generally irritating. LOCO members said they recently sent a letter to Bollinger outlining their 16 demands they feel are necessary to "fulfill the University'S commitment to be a diverse, multi-cultural institution." but that his office never got back to them. "I think that 35 minutes is a reasonable response time for something of this magnitUde." said LOCO member Adolfo Martinez. LOCO member Rodolfo Ramirez said that members of LOCO will not be kept down by the University's Eurocentric focus. "The members of LOCO will no longer be kept down by the University'S Eurocentric focus! We demand to meet with President Bollinger!" he said. Bollinger tried vainly to speak with the protestors, but they couldn't seem to grasp that he couldn't just set an appointment like that, "I'll meet with you next week . I can't guarantee this, but I will . Look, I don ' t have the appointment book with me. Are you

In a bold move that stunned even the most hard-bitten campus cynics, an unruly mob descended on a welcoming and dinner party being held in honor of University President St. Lee Bollinger. Slightly more than two dozen members of Latinos y Latinas Organizing for Change Or else (LOCO) angrily presented a list of demands to Bollinger as he was delivering a speech to student group leaders. "La Lueha sigue sigue! Viva fa revofueion! Why are we shouting in Spanish? Few understand our slogans'" the students shouted as they marched throughout the room, pounding large drums and holding aloft the Cuban flag. " ... you see, back in my day, it was easier for social change," said Bollinger to student group leaders as the LOCO members stormed into the room. "And then we got it. Nowadays, we've got you little bastards holed up fighting amongst yourselves. Today, it is much more complicated. It is a matter of changing hearts and minds. You've been able to resist us pretty well, but we ' re . -dOCtrination of ... Jesus Christ!

By Wink Kepple Delay Staff Reporter

2D INSIDE NEWS

11Belap

NEWARK - A nuclear bomb went off in New York City yesterday, vaporizing the entire city and most of its inhabitants.

LOCO Makes Demands

~asacruel

IN TODAY'S

New York City Obliterated by Nuclear Weapon

. See TROUT, Page 20

Despite his commitment to diversity, University President Lee Bollinger has lUlwittingly created a hotbed ofscandal around campus after he choked on his fish at the First Annual "Diversity Forever" banquet yesterday, According to University spokesman Harris Lemay, Bollinger had justtaken a bite of his 'Trout Suzanne" when he lodged a piece of the fish in his throat. After Bollinger made wild gestures and thrashed about for about a minute, it was detennined by others that he was indeed choking. After a frantic Vice President for Continuous Construction Peter Kalloway punched Bollinger in the stomach four or five times, the fish was dislodged and flew straight into Vice President for Student Affairs Maureen Hartford's unfinished arugula salad. Bollinger had been in the midst of recommending that in order to achieve proper levels of diversity, no white males should be allowed to enter the University unti 12006. University counsels Tex "H.R." Haldeman and C. G. "Chuck" Colson complained that "our ingenious plan to have complete and utter diversity won't be stopped by some Nazi fish!" The Otlice of r\.;1ulticultural Affairs issued a statement that "Whitey" was reponsible for the preparation of the overcooked seafood, and demanded that "[T)he University of Michigan must no longer tolerate this kind of organized, hidden, subversive racism. In order to prevent this from ever happening again, we must hire all minority cooks from now on." I' Head University Club chef Etienne Maurice angrily denied, that he purposely overcooked the food, much less cooked it in a racist manner. "MOil Dieu! What is wrong with you Americans anyway? For _ this I shall spit in your cheese tortellin i and ! infect your salad forks! The fish, it was cooked perfectly . Perfectly, I tell you! You American pigs cannot appreciate fine French cuisine!" Mass demonstrations accompianed the much heralded event. The Society Against Cruelty To Fish and Other Seafood (SACTFOS) picketed the event ,

TAIPEI- The People's Republic of China invaded Taiwan, causing much devastation and political and diplomatic tumlOil.

Members of NWROC, MIM, and SP ARK also picketed the event, proclaiming that this was the start of a new campaign to free minorities, the poor, the youth, and the homeless from the evil Nazi-like clutches of the University of Michigan. They were then beaten by members ofDPS and hauled off to the New Secret Code Gulag, reportedly somewhere in New Jersey. Acting University President Rod Haig proclaimed "I'm in charge now!" and im~ediately assured the public that no spending cuts would be made anytime soon. Bollinger is recovering in University Hospital, although completely unfounded rumors have spread that Bollinger has "brain rot." Students were shocked by the news. "I

and unusual way for a fish to be prepared. "We're not going to take it any more! In the spirit of our brothers at Selma and Tiannamen, we shall overcome! We shall rise up and destroy our ~ppressors!" shouted SACTFOS president and LSA junior Corky Leinenkugel. College Republicans who chalked the sidewalks with anti-fish messages and held picket signs proclaiming, "FISH. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER!" were spit upon and beaten by an unruly mob of students outside the Union. CR President Dick Jerk babbled to the Delay, "This'll show the College Democrats that God fearing American people aren't ..g6i'ng to stand by while some pansy, acid dropping, tiHye wearing pinkos try to takcllway my right to eat fish!" When asked why he was in posession of a Delay press pass, Jerk abruptly left the event.

Delay Staff Reporter

China Invades Taiwan

.."..._'___

H.. i _ _........_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

20 - The Michigan Delay -

Wednesday, April 16, 1997

Crime Notes

LOCO

TROUT

Review Editorial Board Member Prosecuted under Code Michigan ReviewCampus Affairs Editor Evan Knott was recently incarcerated in the Code Gulag by Vice President for Student Affairs Maureen Hartford. He will be brought up under Code charges after he allegedly was caught in a scandalous sexual encounter involving several sorority sisters, livestock, electrical equipment, and non-dairy creamer. According to DPS Lieutenant Bob Stinkford, the scene was quite intense. "I've never seen anything like it," he said. OPS reports state that nearby residents filed noise complaints, and when officers arrived on scene, a shocking display of flam ingos and non--dairy creamer, which

See SCANDAL, Page 50

Continued from Page 10

Continued from Page 10 "w'" thought Duderstadt was president." said LSA senior Marcy D' Antford. "No damned surprise. People chuke on things all.the time." said LSA junior Harold Beasley. "Goddamnit: if I tell you once, I tell you a thousand times. If you can't see the ocean, don't get the fish." said LSA freshman Paul "Simon" lnsenpare.

Now Taking Admissions for the Fall Term: Bob's School of Medicine and Used Auto Parts Shoppe.

ARE

Email info@bob.med.edu for more information, or Write: Bob PO Box 666 Des Moines, IA 31478

Now hiring!

Hispanic community on campus." said LSA sophomore Hector Martin, his voice dripping with bitterness. "This really annoys me." said LSA junior John Sanches. "They should take action like other student groups. This is not 1968. If you really want change, you don't protest. Everyone knows you start an angry publication. " "The plans you refer to shall soon be back in our hands." said University Counsel Anakin Legalbriefto Vice President for Public Relations G. M. Tarkin, remarking about the control of the Administration' s plans for interacting with student groups.

scumbag!" shouted LOCO member Emesto "Che" Cienfuegos. Former MSA p'resident Fiona "Fotomat" Rose said that Bollinger was the best thing since sliced bread and peanut butter. "But ... damn it, we're glad to have him on campus! Lee Bollinger is a living saint! This man is God! The only word for this is transplendent! It's absolutely transplendent!" Rose said, making disturbing quotations from Woody Allen 's Annie Hall. Most students were disgusted with LOCO's antics. "I really enjoy it when 25 people appoint themselves leaders of the

YOU AN UNBIASED, OBJECTIVE, AND

CONSCIENTIOUS WRITER? No? GOOD! COME WORK FOR THE DELAY!

mIJt

:f~licIJigal1

!!lelap

.."

Sporkwell, Howard,

the Delay are mOfe money than you'd e\l1!r spend on this, Inasmuch as you have a hard time picking up the Delay when tt's free. The Mic11igan Delay is a member 01 the Associated Press and the Associated Collegiate Press. because we pretty much have to get some substantive anic!es from som9wllfl,.,lor God's sake. ADDRESS: Routa/o Una/c, Poppy Field 327. Juigalpa. Nicaragua. EMAIL: Delay.Letters 0 umic11.edu Woooooooooooo<>-HAAAAAAAAlt!1

iSJELUhE

Beavis, and Smith Consulting Firm.

NEWS

Benjamin Kepple, Mis-Managing Editor

Bocl<hom,

STAFF: lee Chris Hayes. Reah路John600. Mohan Krishnan. Astrid PhiUlps. Simon Einspahr. Pat Eskew. Calvin Hwang. Mike Ignatoskl, N0f8 Obringer. Maureen Sirhal. Jamie SmUh. Daniel Succarde. Nate Teismann. Josh Trapani. Miranda West. Marl<. Wilson.

EDITORIAL

Evan Knott, Indecisive Editor

STAFF: Geoff Brown. Ben Kepple, Win!< Kepple. Mohan Krishnan. Tad Zambeni.

ARTS

Tom Jolliffe, Somehow-Managing Editor

WEEKEND, OR SOMETHING EDITOR: Joe Typ/lopoulos. STAFF: Geoff Brown, Ben Kepple, WInk Kepple, Unnamed Fonner Editor.

00 you have what it takes? Can you offer valuable -management advice to top corporations?

SCANNING AP WIRE FOR STUFF TO USE

Matt Buckley, Managing (1) Editor

STAFF: Geraldo Armando-fluiz, Wink Kepple

SPORTS

Rob Wood, Barely-Managing Editor

STAFF: Flip Brown, Skip WUson.

Kristina Curkovlc, Managing to Edit

RANDOM STUFF STAFF: Wink Kepple.

Josh White, Editor

TOO CHICKEN TO PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT

Mohan Krishnan, Editor

USED TO BE EDITORS STAFF: James A. Roberts. II. Joe Typhopouios

Geraldo Armando-Ruiz, Editor

PEOPLE WHO DON'T EXIST

STAFF: Flip Brown. Wink Kepple. Adrianna Kanney. Joe Typhopoulos. Tad Zamboni

Us neither. Informational Meeting, Michigan Union Today at 4 PM.

ILLICIT SALES AND ACQUISITIONS

Joe Lester, Manager Scott Russel, Manager

CLASSLESS SALES CREDIT BANKRUPTCY

Geraldo Armando-Rulz, Manager L.Q. Snldewell, Esq., Attorney-at-Law

CIRCULATION TO OTHER'S STANDS RECOVERING STOLEN ISSUES LEGAL ADVICE INVESTMENT STRATEGIES POLITICAL STRATEGIES FUNK LORD

Bob Trlpeston, Manager I.P. Daley, Manager

Position In Need of Filling, Quickly Ivan Boesky I Manager J. Danforth Quayle, Manager Problr Mehta, Manager

The Michigan Delay - Wednesday, April 16, 1997 - 3D

FROM THE DELAY

Vote Michigan Party In the MSA Elections

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Campus won't have Jerk "to lciCk around anymore'" ~:

MSA elections are obviously the most important issue on campus. The next MSA elections will see a To THE DELAv: race for MSA President and Vice President between Congratulations. This is the Probir Mehta and Dan Serota of the Michigan Party, end, and so be it. It h"as been and Mike Nagrant and Olga Savic of the Students' rumored that I forged a press pass for the Michigan Party. We feel that you should vote for the Michigan Review; regardless of the Party candidates, Mehta and Serota. number of people who have Mehta and Serota are candidates of the highest testified to the contrary, I did integrity, and are much more worthy of your vote than not do this. I was voted out by their opponents. Their leadership and vision will create the pansy traitor cr.eam-puff executive board. However, a renaissance for MSA and for students, and many thanks to my loyal disciples in improvements. the Jerk Youth, I regained my In recent years, many scandals have plagued the post as Benevolent Kaiser of Assembly, and Mehta and Serota are clearly the leadthe Ollege-kay Epublicansers we will need to see the University of Michigan into ray. Then those pansies who kicked me out resigned, the 21 st Century. which was good for the club, Make sure you get out and vote in the MSA elections sin~e everyone kn.ows that a on March 19 and 20. When you do, make sure your vanety of vlewpomts only vote is for Probir Mehta and Dan Serota of the Michistifles positive growth for a gan Party. group. Plus now, nobody will tell on me if I allegedly fa~ify We need to take a stand. We need to get involved on credentials again. campus. Mehta and Serota can help us achieve this Remember, it was Dick goal. Vote in the MSA elections. . '" Jerk who condoned t~e

Vote Students' Party In the MSA Election MSA elections are obviously the most important issue on campus: The next MSA elections will see a race for MSA Pr~sident and Vice President between Mike Nagrant and Olga Savic of the Students' Party, and Mike Nagrant and Olga Savie of the Students' Party. We feel that you should vote for the Students' Party candidates, Nagrant and Savic. Nagrant and Savic are candidates of the highest integrity, and are much more worthy of your vote than their opponents. Thejr leadership and vision will create a renaissance for MSA and for students, and many improvements. In recent years, many scandals have plagued the Assembly, and Nagrant and Savic are clearly the leaders we will need to see the University of Michigan into the 21st Century. Make sure you get out and vote in the MSA elections on March 19 and 20. When you do, make sure your vote is for Mike Nagrant and Olga Savic of the Students' Party. We need to take a stand. We need to get involved on campus. Nagrant and Savic can help us achieve this goal. Vote in the MSA elections.

<--.~--.-,-,",~

somebody will pay. However, we will not release those demands to newspapers that we do not agree with. So just guess. And you'd better damned well get it right. And don't eat California grapes. Or any grapes, for that matter. They're too much like the California ones. We will unionize everything. Resistance is futile. You will fund every idea we come up with. All of them. Now. You will obey LOCO. Pronto. Gringo/a. MOIRNO

AlAs

GeNERALIssIMO/A, LATINAS Y LATINOS ORGANIZING FOR CHANGE OR ELSE (LOCO)

-------....1

Delay Editor Josh White "Yellow-bellied girly man" To THE

DELAV:

PRESIDENT, THE OLLEGE-KAY

GEOFF BROWN

EpUBLlCANS-RAY

LSA EDITOR

SENIOR

CHIEF, THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

TRIVIAL PURSUIT GRAND

To THE

MASTER

DELAV:

We feel that Latinas/os are being slighted on this campus. We demand that you fulfill our requests, or nobody on campus will ever be able to so much as whisper without us being right there protesting. We'll be everywhere. Just try taking a shower with a <:rowd of LOCOs standing around chanting obscure Spanish slogans. If our demands are not fulfilled,

Everybody wears it. Hopefully. It's underwear. There's a big-ass (pardon the pun) debate going on about whether or not people like certain kinds of underwear. Obviously, this is a topic worthy of space in the Delay. Everyone basically wears two kinds of underwear: dirty or clean. But I wanted to know: which kind was more preva- ,..,-------....., lent. So I went and asked a bunch of my female friends if I could get a look at what was in their pants. Manyofthemresponded hostilely. So I had to take a different approach. GEOFF As it turns out, BROWN many people said that they wore R!D!N~ UP ON clean underwear. In fact, whether - - - - or not the underwear was clean was a major factor in whether or not laundry was done. "Basically, if! still have clean underNear," one student said, "I don' t Heed to d<? laundry." This seemed to be a common sentiment, but I wondered: "could everybody possibly have on clean underwear?" "Well," said another student, "sometimes my underwear ends up not being clean if I discover something frightening, or find out I fail a test, or nearly get into a car crash, or laugh too hard." Mothers of students expressed extreme interest in the cleanliness oftheir children's underwear. "I hope that, for my sake," one mother said, "my son wears clean underwear, so that ifhe dies in a car accident, I won't be embarrassed." That reminds me of the old Bill Cosby bit. Of course, Bill pointed out that if you're in an accident, "first you say it, then you do it." He didn't say what "it" is, though. Strange. Ofcourse, then there's wedgies. There's days that, I swear to God it's as though I have this big, industrial strength shop vac sitting up my ass. I feel like I'm yankin' wedgies out of a damned black hO'ie. It really sucks. Anyway, I learned that underwear is indeed prettyimportant.It keeps your jeans from getting to scratchy. It provides a place for your equipment to reside. It also makes for a good column topic when you can't think of anything else to write. Now ifyou'!l excuse me, it's time to go play tug-of-war with my ass. L.I

Okay. This is starting to get chalkings against the fairies silly. Josh White really needs to 'and pixies here at the U-M. It overcome his fear of having his was Dick Jerk who educated ass dragged around the Trivial the ignorant masses about Pursuit board, and answer our economics and the God-fearing, challenge. The Michigan wealthy elite. Dick Jerk will Independent did. And they only save us from the gluttonous have one staff writer. It's welfare mothers who want to Dante Stella, their Editor In suck away the Lord's good Chief. Oh, they claim there's more people, but I've never money that my father worked very hard to give me. And don't met them. So come on. You forget that it was Dick Jerk who can take us. Dante won't be forged a press pass in the name much of a threat. He's damned of saving - whoops! I mean, smart, but when the strain of uh, never mind. being a law student and also Recently, a new election was being the Independent gets to held, and a new president was him about half-way through elected. So now you won't have the game, he'll collapse and Dick Jerk to kick around have to forfeit. Bring it on, baby. We're anY1Jlore. waiting. We will rule on high as the trivia champions of the DICK JERK University.

Raza, SI.., Campus, no.,

Underwear-o ramal!

This Sucks To THE

DELAV:

I think lTD is trying to get revenge on me for writing an anti-lTD letter last week. They seem to have gained control of m*),,&*$"%$W%GTYIR ... NO CARRIER ...

'("~~~~~~"""~--';;',w~"'~/;;:;~~~~;;';irniU;;;;;:;;;'ÂŤ",>",,,;m~'\,,*,,,,,,,,,,,,,

-Email me at gmbrowl1@umich.edu, dam mit. And tell him whether or not you're wearinf! clean underwear.

4", .. dill

4D - The Michigan Delay -

Wednesday, April 16, 1997

'Anonymous' Author of 'Dick Jerk' Revealed

Review Campu$ Affairs Editor Evan Knot (l) makes his revelation with Review Editor Geoff Brown standing by in support.

By Flip Brown Delay Staff Reporter

Afternearly two semesters ofspecualtion, Michigan Review Campus Affairs Editor Evan Knott confessed to being the Anonymous author of the infamous "Dick Jerk" letter in a recent issue of the Review. "My decision to go public with this information came after (Review Managing Editor] Ben Kepple heard that many College Republicans were proclaiming him to be the anonymous creator," Knott professed in a press conference held by the Review. "I didn't mind my anonymity, but I sure don't

servative movement on campus," Bro~ said. /" Knott commented that the inspiration for his Dick Jerk stpry came after the CR's foolish and irreverent bashing of the QUP organization. "QUP was merely exercising their First Amendment rights to further their struggle for equal rights. Some of the hateful CRs led by Dick Jerk felt threatened to the point of defacing their chalkings," Knott said. "As if the Republican presidential campaign weren't going badly enough, it didn't seem necessary to have a blow-hard, ego-

Knott and Brown wrap up the press conference want the credit of such a stroke ofbrilliance to go to somebody who didn't think the character up," Michigan Review Editor-in-ChiefGeoff Brown also attended the press conference, defending the creation and confession. "Evan's creative energies will certainly prove to be a pinnacle component in resurrectin'~ra eemmf.1fl'-'Sense,Jmo<ietatMy. G~<)

tis tical, power-hungry CR dictator to add to the conservative movement's troubles," he added. "It has been my privilege and my pleasure to have helped isolate real campus conservatives from the factional , social zealots led by Jerk," Knott stated, ending the press conference. Jerk could not be reached for comment.

Skaters add color to city life B'y Diane Pinkus

About two dozen protesters stormed into what they thought was the President's House last Friday chanting, "Rollerblade, our minds are made. Give us a place to skate or we'll toilet paper you." Unfortunately, they had stormed into a party at a frat house and the protest kind of petered out. Nevertheless, this reporter, always on the lookout for important campus events, managed to get quite a scoop, lots of quotes and a rather severe hangover. The group was made up of members of Yo We WannA Place to Skate (YoWWAPS), a movement designed to encourage the institution of a designated area on campus specifically for rollerbladers and skateboarders. Marty Arrowsmith, the president ofYoWWAPS, said it's time for change on the campus, and that rollerbladers and skateboarders are victims of discrimination when they are forced to skate on the steps of various campus buildings. "We're being discriminated against or something. We just want somep lace to skate so like people won't get in our way all the time. That really pisses us off." When it was brought up that the majority of the group was not even comprised of

way they were viewed by the University. "Non-students are a totally underrepresented on this campus. We can't let the campus remain studentcentric. Our numbers are growing! Get scared!" Theresa Puttle, an Assistant Administrator at DUH Statistics, said that she heard that a new study confirmed that rollerblading and skateboarders were biased events. 56% of subjects responded that they feltrollerblading and skateboarding were cool. However, when informed that rollerblading and skateboarding were biased, 72% of subjects responded that rollerblading and skateboarding were not cooL Yo WW APS member Joe Littleberries pointed out that the statistics were an important indication of growing tension on campus. He went on to say that Yo WW APS demanded immediate action and results from the University. "We want stuffnow!" he said. Bubbles Micklacheski, co-founder of Students Clamoring Against Bad Blading Sites (SCABBS) says that the time has come for a rollerblading-friendly University-sponsored site. "The timing is perfect? I found some really cool clothes to wear while skating? And I wanted a place to wear them? Someplace with no bumps

University students, members of Yo WWAPS beat on the reporter and called him names. One of the members, Elmer Guntree, said that the group was tired of the

'cause I don't like to fall down?" The office ofthe president, busy scheduling other meetings events, was not a vailable for comment.

Delay Staff Reporter

The Michigan Student Assembly Wants You! Are you someone who is lacking that one perfect line on your resume? Are you interested in politics, but not willing to make any major changes for fear of being labelled a "Fotomat" government? If you said "Yes!" then run for MSA! Contact Fiona "Fotomat" Rose or the Funk Lord for more info! t-;..l i..,< f"_;

i':'

l t.V~

. "1 (f'.....,i''!i-J,

~};r 'j ~,

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Tuition Guarantee Petition Recently, Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) Presid'ellt,Mike Nagrant and members of MSA formulated this petition, and are currently running a drive to convince the Board of Regents to guarantee that tuition will not be raised at a rate higher than that ofthe rate of inflation. Given the fact that tuition raises make the cost of a college ever higher and more difficult for many to obtain, we at the Review support this drive, and urge our readers who are students at the University of Michigan to clip out this petition, sign it, and encourage friends to sign it as well. Completed petitions can be returned to one of the locations listed at the bottom of the page.

-------------------------------------------------------Tuition Guarantee

WE, THE UNDERSIGNED STUDENTS, SUPPORT THE LOWEST POSSIBLE TUITION RATES AVAILABLE, BUT IF AN INCREASE IN TUITION IS UNAVOIDABLE, WE SUPPORT A PROPOSAL THAT CALLS FOR GUARANTEED TUITION RATE INCREASES NO LARGER THAN THE RATE OF INFLATION. NAME

SIGNATURE

PHONE NUMBER

-....

, ~

---

- _ ....... _-_._._.-

-_._-

Completed Petitions can be returned to MSA, on the third floor of the Union, or at the Review offices in Room 32 of the Perry Building. Or mail them to: Michigan Student Assembly Third Floor Michigan Union _AnnArb.Qr,J~1:l. 4.J'QJ9_

_________

The Michigan Review 911 N. University, Suite One ,

".~~~,-","""''''''=''''''''''.,

...

".~'~".,'H"''"'»>'"'''''''"'''''''v''''''''''''

..,=_ _

~_'''~'''v~'''''''''

-I ,,'( ...... /. '._,

:.!..l

l'j,

""""""" _ _

A:Iiw. ArJ;/2):,,~1]'~i4~ l!9~;;-,~;2§~", 'u,

1\ ' . )

~m.~

ill!

_J\nIII\.~~~m.

-..

_____...._ ........_ ........________..

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

April 16, 1997 . ..

o ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR Vaya ~ Con BY GEOFF BROWN

2001, among others. It's a pretty c(wl place.

OWDY, FOLKS! Well, here it is, my last column of the • GO TO AN MSA year. It could very well be the MEETING. They last column of my college caspend a lot of our reer, and my last as a writer money. They keep and editor-in-chieffor theRefinding new ways to view. Of course, I have no spend more. You idea because, regardless ofthe might as well see fact that graduation is twohow, exactly, these and-a-half weeks hence, I people operate. have yet to hear from the admissions committees of a Geoff Brown: Outta Here? • JOIN A STU· graduate school or two, and I DENT ORGANI· have yet to hear about a couple ofjobs. ZATION. Orjoinseveral. There's lots Of course, this is not an entirely bad of them on campus, and you can probthing - as they say, "no news is good ably find one that suits your internews," or whatever. ests. If not, then: Of course, if nothing works out, I suppose I could always start a cult. It • START A STUDENT ORGANI· worked for that Heaven's Gate dude. ZATION. Just because there isn't a Of course, I have no idea how to get U-M Chapter of the Catapult Buildyoung, naive, wide-€yed innocents to ers of America doesn't mean you can't" follow my every word, and support me start one (ify~u do, please call me) .... regardless of whatever wacky or just plain insane crap I come up with to do. • GO TO A FRAT PARTY. Just I'll have to ask Nick "Jonestown" Kirk once. Just to say you did it. Yeah, it's how he did it. sort of a trial-by-fire thing, but oh But 1 digress. well. You might even have some fun. There are so many things I could Maybe. do with my last column. I could make an impassioned plea for world peace. • GO TO SOME OTHER KIND OF I could try and refute a recent column PARTY. The non- frat parties are ofby Zack "Science, Schmience" Raimi ten a lot more fun, _and sometimes where he rants against marijuana more laid-back. legalization (yes, I favor legalization, and no, I don't use it myself). I could • EAT ATBLIMPYBURGER. This analyze nationaI,political events and is imperative. You cannot possibly give a thoughtful,political analysis of leave Ann Arbor without having exthe state of domestic affairs with a perienced the God of all hamburgers. detailed outline of exactly what I I almost went four years here without would do to solve the country's probever having gone. Make sure you know lems . what you want to get, though - those Nahhhhh . Blimpy folks don't mess around. I'd I mean, why start all that stuff personally recommend a quint with now? Besides, it wouldn't be any fun. pepper jack, mushroom, bacon, OllMy God, I'd probably fall asleep writions, mayo, mustard, ketchup, and ing the thing, to say nothing of y'all pickles on an onion roll. reading it. What I will do is give you a list of things y'all should try and get • GO TO THE U-M CORONARY done before you leave this place. Some CARE UNIT . You will likely need to of them, I may not have done yet. This do this after a Blimpy trip. But it's isn't an exhaustive list, nor is it to be worth it. taken as a trendy list of the "coolest stuff to do." You may think it sucks. • GO TO SOME SPORTING Write your own damn column, then. EVENTS. Like many, I had season football tickets during my time here. Football games are fun. I also man• SEE A MOVIE AT THE MICHl· GAN THEATER. They usually show aged to make it to a basketball game, some pretty cool ones there. I've seen and a couple ofthe hockey games. It's The Exorcist, The Blues Brothers, and fun, you can go with friends, and have a good time. Of course, I sort of regret not going to some ofthe lesser-known Geoff Brown is an LSA senior majorsporting events. ing in biology, and the Editor-inChief of the Review. You can email • PROTEST SOMETHING. Dorm him at gmbrown@umich.edu. He'll food, The Code, your roommate, sunmiss you all. Really. - -. - - "••• " , . " " ••• , ••• " . " • ••• " . - , .,.-

Seeya

spots, high taxes, grapes, MSA, whatever. In fact, it helps if you come up with a list of demands. They need not be realistic, just make 'em up. Then disrupt people until they seem visibly annoyed. Trust me. • FORGE A PRESS PASS AND USE IT TO GAIN ACCESS TO AN EVENT YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO. I'd recommend against picking the Review as your forgery target. We'll find out. We won't like it. • GO TO CLASS. It wouldn't hurt you to do this every so often. Your professors will appreciate it. • VOTE. In a national election, in the state elections, in the MSA elections, in the Daily "Best of Ann Arbor," in ~the Soldier of Fortune "Militia Commander of the Month" poll, whatever; vote in everything. • JOIN THE REVIEW. It's fun. Alot of fun. I can't begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed the past two-anda-half years working here. "

• RUN FOR MSA REPRESENTATIVE. Make a difference. Concoct elaborate campaign signs. Have them torn down by custodial staff and/or the Funk Lord. If elected, get the chance to work with Ray "Ted Kaczynzski" Robb. Hell, for that matter, why not: • RUN FOR MSA PRESIDENT OR VICE PRESIDENT. This could be fun, too. You get to do all ofthe above, plus you get a gavel, and stuff. Plus, if you're like Fiona and the Funk Lord, our oh-so-eminent ex-Prez and exVP, you can try to co-opt funds for your own personal missions (or your own personal, expensive planner, in Fiona's case) and then lie to the press about it. If it's one of us, we'll know you're lying, but that shouldn't stop you from trying. • GO TO A MEETING OF THE BOARD OF REGENTS. These folks play with a whole helluva lot of our money, and control our tuition. Show up. See what they do. Tell them what's on your mind. • DROP BY ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE UNIVERSITY AD· MINISTRATION. Some of them will actually take a few minutes to talk to you. These people are in the minority, mind you, but those few accesible people will take the time to listen to you.

. ." . " . ,. . . " , ••

",--.--·-~,,,-·,,- ,,

• GO TO AN AMAIZIN' BLUE CONCERT. These people are cool. They're a great a capella singing group, and their concerts are a lot of fun. • APPLY TO MEDICALILAWI GRADUATE SCHOOL. Or, just for kicks, do all ofthese things. Buyplenty ofMaalox. And pray. The application process is an amusing, ritual-like process wherein you have to take grueling admissions exams designed by malevolent demons in hell, send the test scores in to the admissions offices of the schools you're applying to, gather transcripts and recommendation letters, fill out complex application forms, write personal statements, sell your soul for the application fee money, and sacrifice a chicken by the light of a full harvest moon. And then it gets harder. • ATTEND HASH BASH. You don't have to use manjuana, you could just watch. Or dowhat I've always wanted to do: set up a "Burritos 'n' Nachos" stand in the Diag, and just wait for " those munchies to kick in. You'd make a fortune. • WATCH THE NAKED MILE. Nothing like a little gratuitous nudity on the last day of classes. Of course, you'll likely never get anywhere near the runners, but oh well. Of course, you could always: • RUN THE NAKED MILE. Not that I'd ever in a billion skillion years do this myself. Trust me, you'll be thankful for that, too. Well, like I said, this is by no means an exhaustive list. What I'd suggest is doing what I did: go out and find things for yourself that are cool to do. They're (whoever "they" are) not kidding when they say that your four (or whatever) years in college are among the best in your life. It's certainly held true for me. Of course, that's not to say that the best isn't yet to come, but I know that I've had a hell of a great time here. And if I'm not back next year for graduate school, then I'll bid a fond farewell to the fair city of Ann Arbor, and I'll always cherish my years here at the University of Michigan. Well, enough of this sentimental crap. You've seen plenty of it with all the other college newspaper columnists who are graduating. So for now, I bid you farewell. Hasta la later, adios amoebas, and I'll see y'all around. Well, it has been a whole lot of fun. Take care. l\R

..-..,- - ·- - , , , . "_ _ , " __ . AA _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

April 16, 1997

o LoST IN THE EIGHTIESTM

Bitter, Cynical,

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

HEY'VE POSTED THE election results." I said excitedly as Ijumped onto an elevator in the Michigan Union. The MSA election, a topic beaten to death by the campus press, and then for good measure kicked and spit upon due to the antics of the candidates themselves, was finally over. I didn't think there was anyway someone could have not known about the election: the signs, the posters, the allpervasive sight of students beating back candidates with sticks and small rocks on the Diag. "Election? What for?" said the short girl with brown hair, fake tan, and capped teeth whom I unfortunately had to share the elevator with. Moments like that usually provide me with that searching, wondering, disbelieving mood that I find is becoming even more similar to the one other mood I have left, the latter being a cynical, bitter, and contemptous mood. I admit it, I have mood swings. It is somewhat like a pendulum. Some of the time I am searching, some (most?) of the time I am cynical, and the rest of the time I am happy, unless the Prozac isn't doing its job, in which case I am depressed. When I am depressed, I mope a lot and in fits of bitterness silently wish that those annoying skateborders from the high schools, who descend upon campus during the weekends like a locust plague, will all fall and break thej.r ankles . But moments, like that are also perfect for reflection. You can ponder conversations, bitter words, political theory, people who hate you, and what not. And after a good long walk in the rain last Saturday, just thinking to myself, I realized that the University and many of the people who are a part of it can create the three aforementioned moods . . ATTENTION READER: THERE IS MORE TO THE COLUMN THAN THE SUBJECT OF THIS PARAGRAPH: I'm still in a state of disbelief that many of my friends and notfriends are graduating. For example, Geoff, over on page 12, is receiving his B.S. in Biology. Biology . The man chose to study things like the Krebs cycle. I would rather eat glass than major in Biology. But he managed to pull through and enjoyed it. Mohan, whom I worked with for a good deal of Benjamil1 Kepple is Managing Editor of the Review. He is scheduled to play "Felix Unger" in a collegia te version of' "The Odd COUP~t. . ,', _ ,',

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

-.,.

an.sI Still Glad to be Here

I'm searching for a reason to be time, is receiving his B.S. in Engibitter at MSA. This is because they neering Physics, I don't know what haven't done anything wrong yet. Engineering Physics entails, but it Sure, they haven't submitted a budsounds difficult. In the way of not-friends, ex-Re. ~ ~.;-,:"' ..'. -=z;;. >==~ view editor Dean 'iI ~ .... . ... "N oam Chomsky" _ Bakopoulos. who ,- "'" used his "Oh, look, I'm graduating" column in the Daily to deliver a few pot shots I:'~ at our fair Review , is receiving his B.A. in English. I'd just like to fake this moment to congratulate Dean on his success, and for fun, I encourage Ben (seated) and Geoff reflect after a hard day at the Review. readers to take a look get or passed any stupid resolutions at his column buried on page 87B of yet, and that will probably provide the Daily's "Weekend" section. lots offodder in time, but how can one I'm certainly bitter and very concomplain when nothing bad has haptemptuous of the activists who depened yet? Give it time. The law of cided to crash Bofiinger's April 3 welcome reception. The members of' averages dictates someone will screw up. LUCha (Latinos y Latinas Unidos for My own personal bet is that the Change), who managed to yet again student groups that didn't get an ofcreate a new group (complete with acronym) to right "injustice," "oppresfice in the Michigan Union will go into sion," and the like, decided to march armed revolt. Or, suddenly, the former executive officers will be discovered in with drums and shout down the (and subsequently "not recall") backrest of campus studentleadership that was attempting to speak, ing up their cars up to the Michigan Who else out there considers this Union loading dock, pitching into their to be a prime, grade A act of lunacy? trunks all $6,407 of those office supEven the Daily condemned it. It was plies they bought last year. No, I don't know how you can spend that kind of the first time in 15 years they wrote a money on office supplies, but that is decent editorial. In a master stroke of genius, LUCha has managed to alienwhy we elected the Students' Party, ate a full 99.7% of campus by banging now isn't it? I'm really cynical about the edudrums and shouting demands. I mean, for God's sake. How dumb cation I've been receiving around this can a group be? Interrupt a peaceful place. For example, last issue, I wrote dialogue, cause a scene, all while babthat I steadfastly refused to write my paper on masculinity or femininity bling on about struggle and the like, and then refuse any concession for my History 366 class. I spoke with Bollinger makes. This ranks up there my mother about the topic selection, with the tactical skills displayed by and she asked "What does masculinthe Ad Hoc Committee Against the ity have to do with history?" Bullshit in the Michigan Daily. You My sentiments exactly. I would know, the people that in a callous, love for all the professors and graduinhuman display of force kept 8,700 ate students to come out of the Large students from doing the Daily crossCrumbling Ivory Tower and admit, word puzzle last April. Jesus, I mean, "We have run out of things to rewhat is LUCha going to do if the search, so we are researching mascuAdministration doesn't kowtow belinity, the Other, gender, self, identity, femininity, and race for every fore them? Run around shouting slogans in Spanish and take over an possible subject we can think of in office for 37 minutes, then proclaim order to get grant money." I think "victory" as alI 8 members demand to Kissinger was right: to paraphrase, rename every building at the Univerinfighting in academia is so bitter sity in honor of that Communist hack because the stakes are so small. Angela Davis? Does anyone else see I am wondering whether I am going to get my blood pressure checked anything fundamentally wrong here? Yes, you do_ I can see you nodding as again . I am wondering when my heart you eat your .. , God, what is that? Oh, is going to give out on me. I am wonnot the goulash! dering why I didn't get . that A.xid

. *" .rt~

-, : ,,_:.. ' .• ( :"'

i.,. .~

....t

. II.: l.I~ .1 t

'".(~' '':\{f .;}~l j.') ' J

.: 1;-...

prescription filled . Wondering why I feel so rotten so much. Wondering why the sky is blue and I am indoors. Wondering why my sleep patterns are terminally screwed up , Like I said, it allows for reflection. Albeit silent, bitter, angry reflection about life and God and other people who more often than not seem to act in ways one would not expect, like the girl in the elevator or the LUCha protestors or Demiurge Lee Bollinger, the Man Who Can Do No Wrong. It also allows for good reflection. I'm not going to be reflecting on good things anytime soon, so you can just as well count me out in anything like that. Good reflections indeed. What's this? A question in my INBOX. God, I love my job. OK ... Q: I've got a good reflection. You won't have your column next yearl HAHAHAHAlIA! .·' A: I plan to have my column unless something goes catastrophically wrong, in which case another deserving person would have it. Next email...<click> Q: KEPPLE! You bastard! I'll find you and ... A: If you want to know what he wrote, it was very similar to the words being sung by Sir Robin's minstrels ("Brave Sir Robin") in Monty Python's Holy Grail. Christ. <click> Q: FREE MUMIA! FREE MU ... A: <click> Q: Ben! Your column is the most disgusting piece of tripe that I have read in my life. You make me want to ... A: Oh boy. But Mother ... <click> Q: I DEMAND that you cease writing your column! I DEMAND that you ... A: I love being on LUCha's e-mail list. <click> Q: Haven't you pointlessly di· gressed enough? A: Quite right , Where .. .ah." reflections. Right. Indeed . Another year is coming to a close, and it allows us to reflect. Whether these reflections are idealistic or cynical (mine ar e cynical), it is a healthy thing to do. This time allows us to really appreciate our accomplishments, examine our regrets, and most of all steel up and forge on. For while the past and especially the future arc certainly important, neither of them can be fully appreciated unless we take the time in the present (or near future) and examine them . Besides , look at the bright side. It's an excuse t o take the aftern oon off. God knows we don't need any excuses to do that, however. l\-R

.. ....').. .. ,,:-- : /

,· .'''.''., ..'''.,. w··"."·., ,....~~~~ .....,:.. '·'h·<·_''''''.'t_._.~ . .=. ,('.'1I"Wtr{N,~;.\~·q'M·~ . b;q €

. i .\ ·:~~. ; >~l" .iiI it 4 iii;;

\' : ,'~\ \: i_,t, ;;~4i

J.:,}-.;.' ) ,

~ .... ,

iiI!5I

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o CAMPUS HEALTH

Campus ..Up In Smoke BY MIRANDA WEST

ITH A SHORT STEP outside of Angell Hall one is greeted by the aroma of cigarette smoke that encircles the air, contaminating the lungs of smokers and non-smokers alike. The circle of smokers gathers at the doors even during inclement weather, capitalizing on one of the few campus areas where smoking is permitted. As a non-smoker, I often find myself annoyed by the cloud that lingers outside those doors. I wonder about the thought processes motivating these people to suck carcinogens into their bodies. Are the Surgeon General's warnings overlooked by these people? Did someone forget to tell them about the side effects of smoking? Don't thesepeopleknowthateverytimethey inhale, 400,000 toxic by-products are absorbed into their bloodstream and transported to every cell in their body? Clearly, in the year 1997 no college student is willing to argue that smoking does not have negative health ramifications or that it is not addictive. Even the tobacco companies themselves are fessing up to the realities of smoking. So if it is common knowledge that smoking is detrimental to one's health, why do so many people continue to congregate in the cold and the rain to engage in such a self-destructive activity? This is a question that has been puzzling doctors and anti-smoking advocates for years. Why do1people start and why don't people want to quit? Today, with the rate of youth smoking on the rise, the government and other antismoking advocates continue to search for answers. The war against smoking can be traced back to the first controversial medical reports published in the 1930s. The Unit~d States Surgeon General endedthe controversy in 1964 by confirming that smoking cigarettes did indeed pose a health hazard. In 1966, when the Surgeon General subsequently mandated warning labels on all packages of cigarettes, the effects were two-fold. The battle to attach a stigma to each package of cigarretes had been won, yet at the same time it excused and permitted silence on the part of the tobacco companies when it came to detailing the specific health effects of smoking. According to The American Council on Science and Health, the negative effects of smoking are much

Miranda West is an LSAjunior and a staff writer {or the Review. She's not a big cigar {em, e.ith,er.

greater than what the warning label potence. In addition, because smokyou not only carry, but also leave tells us and what the silent tobacco ing impairs blood flow, it is associated behind. It's your life anyway, right? companies want us to know. So just with causing blood vessels in the Who cares how you choose to live it, what are the negative ramifications penis to clog. right? Well, no, not exactly. When linked to smoking? Many of these Smoking has reproductive risks your smoking habit infringes upon facts are popular wisdom, while othfor women as well. Fertility rates of my well being, then it stops being a ers are startling. Each year, smoking matter of personal choice and turns smokers are 30 percent less than that into an irritating and dangerous is responsible fOT appr.oximately of non-smokers. This is perhaps due 500,000 deaths, a staggering statistic to the damaging of oocytes, or eggs, as lifestyle. There exists today clear and conconsidering such deaths are entirely a result of smoking. Smoking is also vincing evidence that second-hand preventable. Perhaps the most comresponsible for causing hormonal irmon knowlege about smoking is its regularities in women, altering the smoke posseses a severe health risk to non-smokers. Toxic agents in cigarelation to lung cancer and emphylevels of estrogen and follicle-stimurette smoke have been proven to be in sema. Yet, smoking can also be linked lating hormone. Smoking can be linked to numerous complications higher concentration in second-hand to myriad other conditions that are smoke than in the smoke which is rarely publicized. during pregnancy as well as after inhaled through the cigarette by the birth for the children of smokers. Regarding its relation to the lungs, smoking has been linked to chronic In recent studies, smoking has smoker. The Environmental Protection Agency has reported that secbeen linked to a whole slew of other bronchitis, a condition in whjch air ond-hand smoke is responsible for passages become inflamed and problems. Among these health condi3,800 deaths from lung cancer every clogged, leading to obstructed breathtions are snoring, hearing loss, dizziyear in non-smoking Americans. And ing. In addition, lung cancer is not .. ness, and cataracts, not to mention apart from the health risks, cigarette the only type of cancer that can be the effects of smoking on oral health. smoke smells. If you do not mind the Similarly disturbing, I was recently linked to smoking. Reports sugge§t odor, fine; but everytime you smoke told a story involving a friend who that cancer~r.nlVolving the esophanear me that smell clings to my gus, laryx; tongue, salivary gland's, had fallen asleep in bed with a lit clothes, and I do mind. lip, mouth, and,~harynx as well as the cigarrette in hand. Considering the Smoking is a completely self-depossiblities for disaster in this story, bladder, kidney, uterine cervix and structive and brainless activity. Evpancreas all are influenced by smokit is surprising that many smokers ery smoker puts not only his or her are still unable to put safety jj.Fst;· ing. Smoking can also adversely affect the heart, causing hypertension, they don't even bother to crawl out of health in danger, but also that of bed to get their first nicotine-fix of everyone close enough to inhale the coronary heart disease, angina, and heart attacks, among other heart ailthe morning. cigarette's toxic fumes. There is no I know that all you smokers are ments. reason to make smoking a college tired of people nagging about your habit; addiction does not cease with Perhaps the most surprising evibad habit. You are irritated by people graduation. Face the reality of smokdence about smoking is its effects on ing and put out that cigarette. Mt . who complain about the smell that the skin. Health risks such as cancer and heart disease seem far off concepts, unable to touch the college smoker. But consider the detrimental risks that smoking poses to your physical appearance. There are two ways in which smoking effects the skin. The first is through the release oftobacco smoke into the air. This is a direct irritant to the skin, causing a drying effect. The second comes from the constriction ofblood vessels caused by smoking. This reduces the amount of blood and its nutrients that are able to flow to the skin. In addition, smokers posses less elastin, a protein allowing skin to streach. Collagen, another protein essential to normal skin structure, actually changes shape as a result of smoking so that wrinkles around the lips as well as "crow's feet" are accentuated. Smokers also tend If you want to sound-offregarding ANYTHINGto develop hollow cheeks due to the even the fact that the Review is simply, as one repeated motion of inhaling. The health risks associated with writer put it, "evil" - write us at smoking for men may be particularly mreV®Umich.edu compelling. Studies have found that If you have a letter to the editor, put smoking may inhibit the normal movement of seminal fluid. Also, smokers "LETTER TO THE EDITOR" in the subject. have shown to have increased levels of prolactin, a hormone associated with smaller testes. Studies show that smoking is a significant factor in im-

Are you incensed by Ben Kepple's column? Are you outraged with Geoff Brown's? Do you demand the Review become an environmentally friendly corporation? Or are you with the tobacco lobby? Whatever your reason ... WRITE THE REVIEW!

"'''''''''"''~'"_'~«''''".'"M'''

_ _ _''''''_'' __''' _ _' _ ' _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

April 16, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

:if SPORTSCENE

Destiny Can ~e A Tricky Thing BY ROB WOOD

' ' H A I L ! HAIL! TO MICHIGAN, The leaders and thebest! ... " " ... We had a successful year, and we did all the little things along the way. And sometimes the best team doesn't win," said Hobey Baker winner Brendan Morrison, of the University of Michigan men's hockey team, to the Detroit Free Press. It's been a rather interesting school year for the University of Michigan's three major sports: men's football, basket.ball, and of course, hockey. Morrison could have been an a t.hlete on anyone ofthese three teams when he discussed his overall surprise and disappointment with the way things t.urned out t.his year. When the football team went into Evanston, Illinois to seek revenge against Northwestern for their defeat. by the Wildcat.s during the '96 season, they went. in t.hinking they were untouchable. Scott. Dreisbach hadn't. lost a game. They were undefeated with him at the helm, and were 4-0 on the season. Then, fate put a good football hit on them. The offense misfired all day, turnovers abounded, and the am oun t of time the defense was forced to play, towards the end of the game, just tired them out. Even after that heartbreaking one-point loss in Evanston, the Wolverines held out hope for a decent season. They won three more games and "controlled their own destiny" going into West Lilfayette to play the Boilermakers of Rurdue. If they had won the rest of their games, they would have been going to the Rose Bowl for the first time since the 1992 season. Unfortunately for them, it was Purdue who actually controlled that day's destiny. Earlier in the week Purdue coach Jim Colletto had announced that at the end of the season, he would resign. Th,at was all the Boilermakers needed to get more fired up for a game than they'd been in their entire history, and have been. ever since. Going into the OSU game, Michigan didn't seem to have much of a chance to do anything besides pack their season into a locker and let it die in peace. There were no foolishly arrogant statements made by the Buckeye players predicting an easy victory to motivate our team. Indeed, after demolishing their Rose Bowl hopes in '95 with a 31-23 drubbing, it would have seemed that the Ohio State players would have had revenge as their fuel for victory. However, to paraphrase Darth Vader, do not underestimate the power of rivalry. What

OSU had thought was its destiny took a back seat to the sheer intensity of this storied annual battle. In the end, it wound up costing the Buckeyes a

~~:i~~:l c~.~~~~ r

"" ·'~\~i';., .<.,: J"",·.·'

there was much re- . j oicing ).

have a destiny as well. Returning almost all of its starters, save Dugan Fife and Willie Mitchell, it was supposed to contend for a Big Ten title,

....

... .

,·C",

... ,

Then get to them

actually promised to be one of the more even match-ups of this past year's field of and maybe even a trip to the Final bowls. "Certainly a team coached by coach Stallings will be ready to play DQur. Jerod Ward was back this seaand his team will be motivated to son, having run out of knees to injure. make sure that he goes out on a great . In all fairness, injured knees are the note. But those ~fe things we don't worst an athlete can suffer (aside from have any control over. What we have" the emasculating groin pull), but at to do is be focused-in on what we have least this season, he was supposedly going to be in the starting line up. to do to win," said head coach Lloyd Carr before his team was to play the Maurice Taylor was supposed to beAlabama Crimson Tide. Uh oh. Ancome a superstar. other retiring coach? Splendid. To be Things started off welL The team fair, it was a close, defensive struggle went 8-0, rising to a number four through most of the game, but you rankingin the country, defeating the guessed it: a poor judgment on quarrival Duke Blue Devils, and even the terback Brian Griese's part caused an current national champion Arizona interception, which led to r--------------------....., Michigan 's downfall. Overall, it was a good ef- ~ fort, but it was indicative of the Wolverines' troubles all season. ~~~. Granted, Alabama had ..... -~~~ ~~ ~I. ' . ! ~ one of the best defenses in the nation. Former head coach Gene Stallings had a good reputation for building teams on defense . That does not change the fact that it was the Wildcats. Things looked better for the maize and blue defense which kept it relatively competitive throughout the Wolverines than they had in years. People were even being quoted as season. Michigan shouldn't be content with merely being the spoiler for saying that this team looked a bit like Ohio State's dream season. It should the 1989 team, which you might remember (then again, it has been a be right in there with the Buckeyes, while). fighting like a crazed bear (er, WolThen, a cake-walk home game verine) for a shot at the Big Ten and over the semester break against penational titles. This season, the narennial Big Ten cellar-dweller Ohio tional championship game will be played in January, 1998. The last State crashed the maize and blue party. Funny how destiny plays those time a University of Michigan footlittle practical jokes, isn't it? The next ball team WOl) that honor was in 1948. That's right, it's been 50 years . Maybe 21 games brought ten more losses to it's time to fulfill a destiny that has Michigan's record and eliminated the been a long time coming. Wolverines from the Big Dance. At the beginning of the men's basThe general consensus was that ketball season, they were supposed to Michigan had just run out of gas.

'* :'."

, _ _ • •••

__ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ ._ _

••

That's what they seemed to do towards the end of every game in the second half of the season. Especially humiliating was a home loss to Bobby "the General" (Patton) Knight and his Indiana Hoosiers . After building an eighteen point lead at half-time and a twenty point lead shortly thereafter, those dressed in maize and blue in Crisler Arena figured they had the game wrapped up. Even the fans seemed more interested in Desmond Howard's attendance than their basketball team's . In the end, the team might as well have not shown up for the second half, blowing their lead and losing the game . All in all , Michigan had shown absolutely no ambition from January through the beginning of March, and even die hard fan s here in Ann Arbor were thinking that the team might lose in the first round of the NIT this year, not the usual NCAA tourney. :) This, ' of course, was where that old prankster, Destiny, made his play. Not only did Michigan beat the Miami Hurricanes the first round, but actually started giving the faithful maize and blue hope again. Real fans can be discouraged, but can never forsake the team they love (unless it's the Lions under Wayne Fontes). They cheered the Wolverines to the NIT Championship and a much-needed springboard for next season. Finally, to return to that which began this long, drawn out spiel: the men's hockey team. Fresh off their 1996 NCAA National Championship (may I hear a rendition of "The Victors," if you please?), the Wolverines wasted little time blasting out of the gate to a 10-1-1 start, on their way to a 34-4-3 pre-tournament record, a number-one ranking throughout all but one regular season week, a CCHA championship, and a Hobey Baker Award winner. This team was a juggernaut. They looked to have a second national championship, just by having everyone else in the tourney drop out from fear. To paraphrase again from our old pal Vader, it was their destiny. Hmm ... None of these three teams have anything to be ashamed of. They played hard, got tough, and took their losses gracefully. The football team kept its composure enough to wax OSD's tail. The basketball team regrouped from a late-season collapse to become champions. The hockey team had an electrifying season and won the CCHA Championship, along with winning our hearts for years to come. While the U-M Athletics Teams have room forimprovement, it is still the best in the nation. l\E.

", '., .. " .•" " '." ...."'.""" .."'~.,"""'''''' •• ~,,. '< '>.._~T, .''''.,.. ""»<"''''.''''"'''''''' _ _

,\" ....,>_'''''',..,.,'~'''''''''''1'''l'»''_~ __4.W;m.cw~~~Jl!

1I+$!i'~

_ .fl. "

.......-

@ :Fi(m

Welcome "Back, Cusack

BY KRISTINA CURKOVIC

ALL REMEMBER JOHN Cusack from those terrific teenage angst movies from our youth -The Sure Thing, Si.xteen Candles, Say Anything, Better Off Dead-where he usually played a teen troubled by parents, girls, the "cool

Grosse Pointe Blank Directed by George Armitage. Featuring John Cusack, Minnie Driver and Dan Ackroyd.

kids," love, and so on. Then John disappeared for a while into the realm of Forgotten Teen Actors (with members like Ralph Maccio, Molly Ringwald, and Macauley Culkin). He finally returned in a delightful role as a playwright in Bullets Over Broadway, and now makes a solid comeback as a professional killer in his latest film, Grosse Pointe Blank. Cusack plays Martin Blank, who returns to his home town of Grosse Pointe for a ten-year class reunion, an occasion coinciding with his next "hit". Martin hasn't been in his home town

since the night of his senior prom and Driver sparkles; from their first when he stood up his girlfriend, Debi, intense encounter, it's easy to see the played by Minnie Driver. Returning kind of relationship that their characto Grosse Pointe, Martin meets with ters had ten years ago. Their dialogue Debi and decides to rekindle that old is fast and smart: Martin's long expoflame and make his next assassinasitions about his absence and his evtion his last. While his classmates erlasting love for Debi show Cusack have jobs like security guards, real in top form. The interplay between estate agents, and motherhood, a Cusack and Dan Ackroyd as Mr. Grostraight-faced Martin tells his old cer is not as impressive, mostly befriends that he is a professional killer, cause Ackroyd's performance as anbut of course no one believes him. other professional killer is rather The movie doesn't simply depend uninspired. on this revelation for its humor; there However, the important characare fun episodes involving Martin's ters are interesting and endowed with down-to-earth secretary (sister Joan great dialogue, thanks to writing that Cusack), and hilarious scenes with is smart and challenging. In the Pulp Martin's unwilling and appalled Fiction tradition, the violence is darkly therapist (played by Alan Arkin) who comic, but perhaps too much so. Lots advises him not to kill anyone during of guns, altercations, blood and bulhis trip back home. "I'll give it a shot," lets provide laughs, but their exorbiMartin says. ''No, don't shoot any- ; tance seems too time-consuming (how body!" his therapist begs. In addition, many times should you shoot a guy some meanies want to kill Martin, who's obviously dead?). The violence resulting ~Jl路"8.ction scenes whe.re is best when used originally - a timeCusack looks a little out of place. bomb in a rotating microwave oven After all, it's hafd to accept that dear and a deadly frying pan provide true Cusack could wield automatic weaphumor. ons and use karate so proficiently. Because of the fast dialogue and The chemistry between Cusack _ of Martin's our limited knowledge

;CC'

background, the story is a bit hard to follow. We do learn that he became a professional killer after a psychological screening in the army; other past exploits should have similarly been highlighted to help explain exactly why he's being hunted by an ugly Balkan killer. Yet, subtlety does work in other parts of the film, such as when Martin silently pours a bottle of liquor onto his father's grave. Furthermore, it is funny that the writers take for granted that all the professionalkillersintheworldshouldknow each other by name and by job. The best part of the film, I will shamelessly advocate, is John Cusack. It's not just because we've been aching for so long to see him in a funny romantic role. Cusack is perfect as Martin Blank, and almost every scene in the movie belongs to him. The role would have been lost with any wildeyed looks or unnecessary cruelty. Instead, Cusack's calm demeanor and straight-Iayed attitude create an original and endearing character. Whether he's courting or kicking or giving one of his looks, Cusack shoots no blanks in this film. l\R

The Saint Beckons Spy-Buffs BY MA'ITHEW BUCKLEY

ERMIT ME TO SAY THAT I liked The Saint. Over the past couple o~ weeks, I have been reading all kinds of horrible things about current Val Kilmer-Elizabeth Shue spy flick, and I must confess to being confused.At least everyone seems to have the plot down (if I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say that the plot of Mission: Impossible was incomprehensible, rest assured my collegiate career would be

The Saint DirectePhillip Noyce. Featuring Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue At Showcase

over tomorrow). Kilmer plays Simon Templar, an emotionally-scarred master thief who has the uncanny ability to "always escape." Trying to hit the elusive $50 million mark (funny how it's eluded me, too), Kilmer takes on a five-million dollar job: snag plans for cold fusion from an Oxford physicist for a Russian mafioso. The Oxford physicist, it turns out, is Elizabeth Shue. Kilmer, who at the beginning of the movie is quite the poonhound,

finds love. From then on, it is Kilmer and Shue, Saint and scientist, against the evil Russian mafia. Needless to say, there is tons of romantic banter, disguises, and pseudo-techno jargon on the way. If you happen to think that the Russian mafia wins, Kilmer and Shue die in infamy, and the world ends up in nuclear holocaust ... then you simply have no clue how Hollywood works. Now, the constant criticism which I keep hearing revolves around tw:o points. First, people are complaining that the Kilmer role is not sufficiently explained, i.e., we don't understand the inner man. In all honesty, who cares? Sure, I don't represent all moviegoers, but I didn't expect Dostoyevsky-esque exploration of character. I've seen all the Bond flicks, I've seen Mission: Impossible, and I've seen The Saint ... none of these had intense character development a la The English Patient, and why should they? Of course, the counterargument goes, isn't this a lowering of movie standards? I don't think so. The idea of movies is entertainment. Some movies genres require far different standards to entertain. The actionspy genre is simply not one of those genres. Granted, we don't want cardboard Bond cutouts running amok

throughout cinema, but tut-tutting bad character development in spy flicks is like decaflovers whining about taste: what the hell did you expect? Spy-action flicks are all about action, and The Saint delivers. With a pulsing techno-ish soundtrack in the background, the rush to Moscow's American embassy delivers wellstaged chase scenes with sufficient interplay between Kilmer and Shue to keep everything from getting dull. With thrilling water tunnel chases and hit squad evasions, Director Phillip Noyce (Clear and Present Danger, Patriot Games) does a great job of keeping the action flowing. It's all pretty exciting stuff, and even though the ending is a fait accompli, one can sit back and root for the duo anyway. Yes, there are some plot problems. Shue's character has a heart condition which magically disappears near film end (probably due to serious changes in the script after preview audiences were pissed at Shue's demise in an early version). Kilmer's character's inconsistent fear ofheights is equally sketchy. My personal favoriteis Shuerunningtoward the American embassy, flailing and yelling, "I'm an American! I'm an American." Apparently, there is some rule in the Saint-world that if some crazy-Iook-

ing woman comes running at the embassy gate in such fashion, they will simply open the gate. Hopefully, terrorists will not catch on to this trick, else world embassies are goingto have some massive security problems. Plot problems aside, Kilmer does a nice job fleshing out his role. Nobody is going to confuse the playfulness of Kilmer's Templar with Tom Cruise's moody, intense Ethan Hunt. Whether disguised as a bumbling member of the press or an exotic European count, Kilmer looks like he is having fun. Oscar-caliber stuff? Umm. Entertaining to watch? Yes. Shue does a nice turn in the traditionally thankless role of Spy-flick Hottie. While the efforts of the writers to portray Shue's Dr. Emma Russell as eccentric (right down to cheesy diary passages included for "character development") get tiring, she is nifty as a quirky, naive soul who succumbs to Kilmer's charms. Yes, if you want depth and characterization, both ofthese actors have been better; Kilmer in Heat, Shue in Leaving Las Vegas. But chances are, if you want to see The Saint, you want to see chases, verbal banter, spy technology, with a hint of sensuality. The Saint, on those criteria, certainly delivers.l\R

!April 16, 1997 L.._..,_ __

n Music

BY EVAN

,~ .

-'--'---~

. ,',

MICHIGAN REVIEW LIVING C,ULTURE "

, ' - , · " ' " " , , ,. " , .« .

:;'!J:-

,i'

"" ,.'

"",+,,,,,'1 " '"', '''':, " .' . ~..::

Pavement :B rightens Sound

KNorr

AVEMENT HAS ALWAYS seemed like the type of band that should be enjoying relatively significant popularity along with all of the critical acclaim that accompanies each of their releases. Yet, the band has seemed to once again survive major stardom even with its latest gem Brighten The Corners. While Pavement is typically referred to as slacker rock, grunge for grad students, and ,--_ __ _ --, snotty, book-smart Pavement middle-class-angst- Brighten the filled noise, the group Corners does its hardest to Matador shed these often in- Records correct stereotypes on their fourth major release. Perhaps it's the fact that charismatic band leader/singer/guitarist Stephen (Genius) Malkmus' guitar is in tune for the majority of the record, Evan Knott is an LSA sophomore majoring in political science and is the Campus Affairs Editor of the Review. He thinks Pavement could kick Dave Matthews' ass anyday.

or maybe it's that crazy second-drumstrength, "Shady Lane" is hands down mer/stage prop Bob N ostanovich acthe "Gold Soundz" of 1997, with it's tually figured out how to play those cheery, simple guitar hooks and choquirky Moog melodies over the usual rus. Malkmus' lyrical genius clearly walls of swirling guitar textures. Beshines through on this track as he sides sounding more polished than smirks "freeze / don't move / you've been chosen as extra / in the movie their previous efforts, Brighten The Corners is much more downbeat and adaptation to the sequel to your life ... " mellow; a rather significant ' deparThe band's silly fascination with counture from the erratic, sonic format of try twang emerges as track two fades out with a minute-long, jangly west1994's brilliant yet highly underrated Wowee Zowee. ern instrumental. Malkmus' The record starts out very strongly songwriting seems almost bent toward a feeling offleetingjoy and growwith the first single "Stereo," which definitely follows along the lines of ing insecurity. Indeed, many of the album's numerous downbeat tracks 1992's breakthrough single "Cut Your provide some subtle insight to Hair" off ofthe seminal Crooked Rain Malkmus' inner-self. On the organCrooked Rain. With producer Mitch Easter tweaking the recording knobs driven "Blue Hawaiian," Malkmus and a slew of nifty, vintage krautrock whispers "if my soul has a shape / toys and other analog gadgets added than it is an ellipse / and this slap is a to the mix, "Stereo" makes for the .gift / because your cheeks have lost perfect Pavement single. Indeed, the their luster ... " Fans who thought that single, like much of the rest of record, Pavement couldll't write a tune more captures Malkmus' spontaneous spirit - mellow than 1992's "Stop Breathin'" will be amazed at "Type Slowly." when he sings ·~at about the voic~ of Geddy Lee / How did it get so high Though held together fairly tightly, / I wonder if he speaks like an ordithe song sounds as if a strong breeze nary guy ... " could blow the band over on its side. The album's best and probably Maintaining the opener's

most overlooked track is "Starlings in the Slipstream," a more sonicallydriven, existential number that re. minds one of Spiral Stairs' moving "Kennel District" or "Grounded" from 1994's Wowee Zowee . The song's finale slowly builds a gorgeous, screechy wall of guitar feedback with West's steady beat building an intensity that you never want to end. Perhaps this overall lack of perfection in the album compared to tracks like "Starlings in the Slipstream" is what makes Brighten somewhat tragic. When I first heard the opening whines of 1992's Crooked Rain Crooked Rain, I felt as though I had waited my whole life to hear an album so perfect and everlasting. With Malkmus' uncanny ability to take a simple 4 chord riff or jangly, stumbling solo and extrapolate it over three to five minutes of sonic bliss, it's a shame that so much ofBrighten seems to sigh rather than scream like their past efforts. Still, the record is an essential for old and new fans. Also, don't forget to check out their incredible live show May 6th at St. Andrew's hall in Detroit. l\R

RC Tackles Social Issues BY SANGITA BARUAH

APITALI$T SOCIETY. WE Americans live in one, sure. But how often do we sit back and consider how the distribution of wealth in this country may affect us? How about the way in which it may affect the poor and homeless? With upcoming performances of Bertolt Brecht's The Good Woman ofSetzuan, students in the Residential College Drama Department are hoping to get their audiences thinking about the dilemmas that capitalism may create. This enchanting play is told as a fable, drawing us into the world of Setzuan, where the poor are forced to beg, lie, cheat, and steal in order to survive. One ofthese commoners is a prostitute named Shen Te. After performing a good deed one day, she recieves a gift from three gods - a large sum of money. Overjoyed at first, Shen Te soon comes to realize

Sangita Baruah is a member of the RC Players and is a guest writer for theReview's Living Culture Section.

that the money brings her a lot more help her fellow neighbors, while Shui problems than she had bargained for. Ta becomes the man people grow to She must deal with pesky neighbors despise because of his cold business who all want a piece of hernewfoundwealth,r'----------------------------------------. opening a tobacco shop while her landlady demands payment, and with an unemployed money-hungry pilot and his meddling mother. Shen Te finds it extremely difficult to manage all of these new problems, and so the play takes a definite twist as she is forced to transform herself into her "cousin," Shui Ta. Shui ---T-h-e-R-C-P-Ia-y-e-rs-p-re-s-e-nt-r,-h-e-G-oo--d-W--o-m-a-n-o-f-Se-tz-u-a-n-----' Ta takes the form of a hard and shrewd business man who tactics and cruel nature. The playis able to say "no" to the beggars wright, Brecht, forces us to consider around. AB the show progresses, Shen what constitutes good conduct in this Te alternates between being herself type of society. Shen Te wants to help and being Shui Ta - with all Setzuan others and has noble intentions, but thinking they are two different people. finds it almost impossible to remain Shen Te becomes the "good" person good when so many take advantage of who is kind and loving who tries to her kindness. Thus, she must turn LI

into the heartless and selfish Shui Ta when her own survival is at stake. The Good WomanofSetzuan is an engaging story about a world which we just might be familiar with . Setzuan may seem a remote place both in geography and society, but the circumstances surrounding Shen 'r parallel the rich-poor dynamics of our own country in our present time. To wit, how much are we ...-illing to give before we realize that we must fight to keep ahead? Can we imagine giving up our own comfortable lives in order to help someone else? The R.C . Players' production of The Good Woman ofSetzuan will address these issues with dramatic flair. Of course, there are no easy answers, but perhaps the play will provide a valid argument for a kinder, more humane society. The production will run April 1720 at 8:30,8:00, and 7:00p.m., respectively, in the R.C. Auditorium in East Quad. Tickets are available at the door and donations are requested for the benefit of local homeless chapters. For further information please call 647-4354. l\R I

" ""'" M'''· ',''·I·'-> ''·~·''''''''7' ·''>~·'''~'''-''''''''''''''M·''''«'''"1"~"~"'~'~''''''''~~';'~''·NN·~'~\ ~.~~\'(\WW<f0~''W:~ i$

-,~~~~N!i

. _. "

.r:J Music

MICHIGAN REVIEW LIVING CULTURE _---c-.--~~~

Man Alive, i(s Ben Folds Five quite ably backed by Darren Jessee and Robert Sledge on bass and drums. Hailing from Chapel Hill, North Carolina, the band signed to Caroline Records and released thekeponymous debut in 1995. The single "Uncle Walter" got fairly heavy rotation from 120 Minutes in MTV, because of its highly amusing video. "Whatever and Ever Amen" picks up where their debut left off, combining rich, sparkling piano and vocal melodies with somber ballads and clever, off-the-waU lyrics, which together showcases one of the most poten styles of music to surface in quite a while. Upon first listen, it is immediately apparent that Ben Folds is the center of the band. He is truly an incredible piano player, and Qis uncanny knack for writing catchy tunes and arrangements display his outstanding songwriting talents. The album opens with "One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces", an ode togetting beat :t)p1n school and havinEl your lunch money taken. The second song, "Fair", staPtl! offslow and brooding, before erupting into an animate chorus of simple "da-da-das" coupled

BY SIMON EINSPAHR

s WE SPIRAL TOWARDS the end of the decade, it is apparent that the current genre of rock music is, for the most part, stagnant, and that the music world desperately needs new direction. Specifically where rock will next turn for creative overhaul is really anybody's guess, but there are many bands out there who are going against the grain, and pushing rock music in new and and unique directions.

Ben Folds Five Whatever and Ever Amem

Caroline Records One band in particular, Ben Folds Five, who just released their sophoI1)ore effort "Whatever and Ever Amen", sound virtually nothing like early 1990's pioneers and their hordes offollowers, The band is led by singer/ songwriter pianist Ben Folds, who is

3imon Einspahr is a member of the l1usic Staff He folds seven.

with .fast-paced piano and drums, akin to early 1980's MichaelMcDonald and the Doobie Brothers. Other standout tracks include "Song For the Dumped", which describes a guy getting dumped on his girlfriend's frontporch after .buying her dinner, with the cry, "Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch! And don't forget to give me back my black tee-shirt .... " Many songs on the album deal with being in love or involved in shaky relationships. It is easy to identify with Folds' lyrics because it is obvious that he has been through some rough times, but has come out strong on the other side. His songs are a keen balance between uncertainty and deternlination, and his attention to detail in his lyrics allows the listener to .gain greater understanding and iden~ification with the situations, which as a songwriter takes.a lot of skill. One of my personal favorites is the song "Kate", in which he describes meeting the perfect girl, in whom he sees everything he wants to be. He trades the lines, "She plays wipeout on the drums" and "her mix tape's a .--

This Fire Burns True BY JAMIE

showcases her versatility by using many different instruments (Juno, Wurlitzer, hannonium, beat box, and toy xylophone to name a few) to give each track it's own identity. But more intriguing than the array of instruments on this album is the way Cole manipulates her vocals in unconventional inanners to convey raw emotion. "Tiger," the opening track, begins and ends with the same a-capella lines - with an interesting twist. At the completion of the song, the opening line plays backwards, giving the track a haunting element. In "Mississippi" Cole . combines a dark piano chords with a stuttering, gasping, growling vocal melody in one of the most emotionally charged performances on the disc. This is one of the tracks that benefits most from the liner notes instructions from the artist: "P .S. to the listener: I recommend playing this album loudly. I hope it sends you on a journey." I have heeded those instructions, and yes, Paula, it has. Mt Incidentally, if anyone out there is interested in seeing Paula live, she's going to be performing at Clutch Cargo's in Pontiac on the 17th of ApPil. Ktnda short notice, but still, she's an act worth seeing.

SMITH

.K., O.K., PAULA COLE'S latest CD was made in '96. So it's not quite the newest thing going, but'.;.u light of some recent MTV play of her single "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone" and her opening performance for Sarah MagI achl an last year, I PaulaCole thought some This Fire people might be '----------------' asking the question "just who is this Paula Cote?" The aJ.lswer is, she's a fairly talented musician. I discovered her at a Counting Crows concert in 1995, when she outshone the two other opening acts with her personal songs, killer voice, and fearless musical experimentation. A couple of months ago, I picked up her second album, This Fire, and was pleasantly surprised to find that Paula is continuing to experiment with her music. This Fire burns in many different ways, fluctuating between soft ballads like "hush, hush, hush" (with Peter Gabriel) and loud, angry tracks like "Throwing Stones". Throughout the album, Cole's piano and vocals form a heartfelt center for the tracks. Virtually every song portrays a different facet of Paula's musicianship. She

.-------------~

, ... ' ~ ' , ' , '. ', ' . .. . . f • • • • "'1 . . . . ', ', ' , ••••.• '. :. ', '"

. .. ,-.... ' '

_,._. ....... .......-..- .... ,

.. .. _--_......

,tt.I",. ,~ "\' ~

. ... t

------.-.-,-....

....

........

'.''4.:. '. ~'4 "\" '" ,,',\, "•

-. --- -. ---~.

masterpiece" with "everyday she wears the same thing, I think she smokes pot" and "you can see the daisies in her footsteps, oh I wanna be Kate," giving the song such a personal feel that you can't help but be enamored by it. Combined with Liberace-style piano arpeggios, this song is definitely one of the strongest I've heard by this engaging band. The first single of the album Carguably the best track) "Battle of Who Could Care Less", which hearkens the likes of Joe Jackson or Squeeze, tells of boredom and apathy, with the lines "Will you ever restlFighting the battle ofwho could care lesslUnearned unhappiness/fhat's OK I guess" and "This should cheer you up for sure! See I've got your old J.D., and you're all dressed up like the Cure ... " Once again, this song showcases Folds' writing talent,and best exemplifies the band's musical prowess. Whatever your musical tastes, Ben Folds Five offers something for everyone anq is a fresh alternative to the guitar-driven music scene dominating the market. I recommend that / " YQU check this album out. l\R

Addicted To Morphine BY JAMIE SMITH

F EVER A BAND'S NAME has described its sound better than Morphine, I haven't heard of them. The trio of Mark Sandman (Two string slide Bass, Vocals), Billy Conway (Drums), and Dana Colley (Baritone Sax) are as liable to Morphine lull you to the Like Swimming couch with '--_ _ _ _ _ _--' their mellow tones as rock you into a dancing frenzy with one of their loud, rolling tracks. Their newest album,Like Swimming, contains a healthy poJ;t:ion of both styles. These guys seem to have hit the nail right on the head when naming this album, too. The opening song, "Lilah" is a 59-second trip to Atlantis, complete with whale-like Bass sounds. Many of the tracks have the loose, fluid sound that has become Morphine's trademark over their previous three albums. By the time you are halfway through this musical endeavor, you've been intoxicated by the sound to such a degree that you answer "yes" when Sandman asks "do o j- - - - - - - - - - - ,

Jamie Smith is not a "methhead. He is a member of the Review music staff. II

you feel like swimming?" in the album's title track. Judging by this album, this summer's H .O.R.D.E. festival looks promising. Morphine has joined the tour, along with rock icon Neil Young, quirky cult favorite Primus, and the bittersweet Big Head Todd and The Monsters.) Their upbeat rhythms in "Early to Bed," "Wishing Well," and "Murder for the Money" are sure to be crowd energizers. Now add the swanky blues anthem of"French Fries wi Pepper," with the tidal ebbing and flowing of a song like "I Know You (pt. III)" and you have the makings of a formidable live performance. (l know I'll be there: I'm already addicted.) Their sound stands in a realm outside the now-standard "alternative" twist on the Bass, Guitar, Drum, and Vocal construct that, along with electronic music, has come to dominate pop music today. Putting in a Morphine disc is like escaping to a world where mellow is the word, and you're just mmmgtnroug the sound ...m

Music! Neat to listen to, huh? Even Better to Write Rbout. Interested? email us at mreu @umich.edu

r --'·.'''''--,--_.'- "

_"._______

;.. _ ~ol.._II........_.:.-

I ftpril ~~, 199

.•

- _ _'C . ';'. _.".

MICHIGAN REVIEW liVING CULTURE

.0 Music

<., >,:: " ~ ''/''9

',."

'''.

,\:.... ,-: .. ' . . :~ :..'

Papas Fritas: Simple Pop Goes Far

BY CHRIS HAYES

WEEK AND A HALF AGO, [ was blessed with attending a great show at St, Andrew's Rall, It was the Cardigans and, yes, they rocked. But, this article is not about them . Go pick up a Spin or Rolling Stone if that's what you want to read about. Or watch VH 1. As always, I am about education. That is why I took it upon myself to interview the opening band of the evening, PaDas Fritas, after the show. See, cool roch and roll writhe at your finger tips. Papas Fritas is the trio ofTony Goddess (guitars and vocals), Shivika 4sthana (drums and vocals), and l{eith Gendel (bass and vocals). They Formed in 1993 and have been on Minty Fresh since '95. Coming from 'Jloucester, Massachusetts, the trio has )een playing their pop music at gigs vith the Cardigans and Blur since the ~um of this year. With the release of ~heir second LP, Helioself, due in stores m April 22, Papas Fritas brings a :risp and simple sound to what is )ften a complex and noisy world of

came accustomed to our voices and our instruments. We got more com...

nodem rock . [f.you listen to any part )f the album, check out "Sing about 'vIe;" it quickly became a favorite.

\fR: What was different for you ~ys when recording Helioself ~ompared to your last album? KEITH: We had a new recording ;pace. ~: Wasn't the last space in your \ )asement? , Keith: Yeah, it was in the basement vhere Tony and I were living. This m e is actually like a real studio. It's lice, it's on th e ocean front. We all ;tayed there a nd made it a coll ective :ffort . The place had at mosphere. rony: Last time was in the basen ent, like we were locked up . Our lew studio (actually In Tony's n ew 1Ouse) is mu ch more open space . \1R: What else was different? {eith: The first album was like, "Let's ust fi gure out what we'r e trying to 10. " It was or first album as a ba nd . ,hivika was finishing school and I lad just fini sh ed . We just wanted to ;ay, "This is our first album ." Now vith th e new album we were all living ogether,hivika: participating and making a ollective effort. It was a lot of fun . rony (sarcastically): We were also rying to make a more commercial llbum. ;hiVika: NO!!! I think there are very ew commercial tracks on this album. t sounds more live because we be-

fortable with our music. MR: If you were listening to both albums, what would you say your primary change musically? Keith: More confidence. Shivika: Yea, no holding back. Tony: I think we are all better singers .. .well ... I'm not better. I had tro\lbl e on this album . I also think the way we r ecorded it makes the rhythms a lot better-clefin ed on this album than on the last. All the songs are about rhythm and that played a huge element throughout. It was all about getting rhythm and then focusing on tha t , while the last album we made the drums sound kind of small. Another difference was the song writing. On the first album we took songs that we had for a long tinie , wh er e as on Helioselfw e wrote in ost ofthem at the same tim e and got r eally specific with each song's sound . Wher e "Sing about Me" kinda sounds like a Motown song, or "Words to Sing" .. .I don't know how to describe it. Shivika: It sounds like your on a boat. Tony: Yea . You know what I mean? Everything was written specific. Keith: When we get an image for a song, we go with th at image. It just happens , really. MR: If you could change anything in the music industry, what it be? Keith: For a band like us to be able to have a hit single without being on a major label. To be able to do well in the system without having a huge machine supporting us.

gone. I think it is really sad. Music is Tony: I used to think it was the record labels that were feeding off of everya history. It is a developm ent. I think _. , one. But everything is so that has been lost. I can't put on a inflated now and everyone band's album and h ear the same voice has to pay everyone else. and sound over and over again. What a bore. I like our music to change. Keith: You would hope that a good group would make it Unlike what's going on with those becaus e they have a good bands who are doing things exactly single, but it is not that like the Beatles. It's like saying, "These way at all. people have contributed to music in Shivika: I would like it if such-and-such a way." Instead of inyou didn't h ave to be pretty terpreting it, they play it in exactly the same way. I think we are able to to make it. Everyone: NO !!! take a lot of different things and bring Shivika: Every fu cking it into our music. band that is popular right MR: What are your major influnow is fucking good lookences? ing. That's bullshit. There Keith: Drugs . are a lot of talented bands Shivika: Our ability to make people move. We rely on that instead of all who aren't good looking. Tony: There are bands like this whiny crap. we try to make stuff more positive and moving. We, as Oasis who are huge after two albums. When I was individuals are very different. We come from different backgrounds that growing up and listening to classic rock, you could go we can bring into our music. Keith: we are able to reach young and back to previous albums and explore the culture of old people with our sound . We were the time and hear a proplaying a show where my grandpargression. Today, groups put ents were dancing the same time an out one or two albums and they're . ' . eig-ht-year-old was. I think that is a

-:>

TIle Mic/ligan Review is checking

you out. We say, "we want that cunning individual for our burgeoning music staffl Let's put our heads together and figure out how to nab that raw talent!"

Perhaps you can save us some effort. If you have an interest in writing for any department here the .Review. then please contact us at: mrev@umich. ed u Also feel free to call at: 662-1909 We like to hear fron1 you! """"" " .. ••. " . .. . ~" • . •. ·,·,~·," ... " ......·,. · ... "" •.w ..""·~· ..."·"'V··.h .... r. ..~ ...."""",'.:....···,.>·'j""tU-"''#t>'''•..,''!j·,'I'l':~....r.~~"g "1H.,\ilI!...!••~

:IIj

'tm

N..JtGQCU.'."*"*'4"

~Ia

;DE

'(:,-:'

',, '

~'""

f; . ~::.t:? . tV, f":.I-!

5"·l

We'll '<;

. ,. .11 --r

...

tne , /.- one • •¥A

..-

.r"'; · ~·'

You bring us your · :

textbooks.

Sell your textbooks during fmals at:

Michigan Union

--=-_______

Located on the ground floor of the Michigan Union

.: ··L,......-:..:...._~_

......--------I