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INSIDE·! ' • MSA Election Results :..... com- ' plate coverage and commentary, seepage S.

• We offer our opinion on the new, University Housing "'plan" for upperclassmen, and ,examine the implications for affirmative action due to the Piscataway case settlement. See'page 4., '/:; "

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• Editor-in..:..chief BeDJaJPin Kepple and Editor Emeritus Geoff Brown return with an- . other wacky 'pair of~lUmns.

Learn about Geoffs Life A.ft.er

College, 88 Ben wanders whether he'll BUl'Viwthatlong. &e'pagee ' 58nd6. ' ' • C$lllPUS Affairs Editor Bockhoril examines the disturbing influence of the NEA. ' See ,page 9. '

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, See P'lge 16. ' • Music Editor Chris, Hayes' , di~­ tilled wisdom is agam' available tor you. See his ConCise ConcertdUide for the holidays ,a nd more I1).usicon pages 18 and 19. "

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.. NatioJl81 Affairs Editor ,and R.esi- , dent Good Living Expert C ,J. Carnacchio reviews Frank Sinatra's, Guid~tO GOOd Livillg. In a ddition, C.J . alliio lOOQ at ,an all.,...ilnportant question: martini,shak~n or,stitted?

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December 10, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

2

T ilE ~I 1( '1II ( ;.\:'\ H I-:\'IE\\'

o SERPENT'S TOOTH"

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

on it doesn't have gin, irs not a martini!"

EPlIORIAL BOARD EDlTOR~N-CHIEF:

ATTENTION STUDENTS!

ASSOCIATE PUBUSHER: MANAGING EDITOR: CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: NATIONAL AFFAIRS EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR:

Benjamin Kepple Sang Lee Matthew Buckley Lee Bockhom C. J. Camacchio Kristina Curkovic

EPITORIAL STAFF

DPS has initiated aNEW policy to deal with people during post game celebrations! Mter all, we can't have students get hurt, now can we?

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Speaking of acting like three year olds, we'd like to hand it to MSA for their pathetic involvement in the recent student government elections.

After all, it is rather pathetic when a group begs for higher turnout at their elections, yet refuses to count the votes in a timely fashion. At one point, we heard MSA was even looking for volunteers outside the Assembly. Ser~ pent's Tooth would like to hand out heaping tablespoons of blame to MSA Election Director Yejide Peters and the MSA reps who didn't bother showing up to help count for once again making MSA look ... well, bad as usual.

For the 53 percent of you who decided to vote David Jaye in as State Senator: You should have used your dis-

cretion in the Republican primary.

QuestiQO of the week: IfDPSwanted to keep' people from injuring themselves to a minimum at the Ohio State

game,whydidtheydQalloftbeinjur~

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We'd like to thank our new State Senator David Jaye (R-Macomb Township) and State Representative Ted Wallace (D-Detroit) for coming to speak to US at MSA's Affirmative Action Forum. Not only did we get to witness two grown men act like three year olds about a rather important issue, it gave us confidence knowing that the State Legislature is in the hands of such capable individuals.

ing? Please, would DPS kindly explain why it is necessary to pepper spray, tackle, and beat students who are walking or running on the Michigan field so those students won't hurt themselves?

In addition: Congratulations to Students' Party candidate Sarah "Karate" Chopp for her massive victory, coming in first place in LSA by a mile and a half; Rory "Cartman1l' Diamond for putting the Liberty Party on the electoral map for the first time; Engineering Candidates Mark "Slammed by the Daily" Dub and David "Always Condemned" Burden for winning somebody has to keep up the affirmative action assault (we wonder ifRich ''Uncle Joe Cannon" Kovacik., Students' Party Chair, is ever going to work for this). Grudging congrats to Dan ''The Poodle" Serota, whom we thought the voters would have realized is nothing but an unoriginal, old-school party haek who generally takes more credit than he ever deserves - voters should have picked Bianca "MSA? Friendly?"

Frabotta or any other of the Michigan Party candidates if they were determined to vote for the MP. Mike "Better Weather Boy" Nagrant and Olga "Rasputin" Savie - 12 percent is not a mandate, even ifyour party received most of the votes; ' Martin "Dabgummit" Howrylak, sony. buddy. hut you need Q new

Chris Hayes Rob Wood Astrid Phillips Ben Rousch

STAFF WRITERS: Nate Boven, Craig Garthwaite, Andrew Golding, Doug Hillhouse, Jacob Oslick, Maureen Simal.

BUSINESS STAFF: Matt Fogarty, Scherrle Johnson FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT: Tom Jolliffe (Madrid) EDITOR EMERITUS:

Geoff Brown

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Universityof Michigan, Weneither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U-M, Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-<leductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Intemal Revenue Code, The Review is not affiliated with &rrf political party or university political group.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequlvocably correct and just. " °SIgned articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin-

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MUSIC EPlIOR: SPORTS EDITOR: ILLUSTRATOR: COMPUTER CONSULTANT:

slogan; Jessica "Defend Affirmative Action" Curtin, nice try, but you've gone down to electoral defeat again, along with the rest of your pseudo-Marxist pals; and we generally think that the United Rebels Front ran an intense campaign; but we'd advise Pak Man ''Fun While It Lasted" Shuen and the rest of the URF to try shaking hands on the Diag the next time as well. We know for a fact that made the difference last election for at least one candidate current LSA Budget Chair Gary Zhao, although that Afro wig may have been the cineher on that.

On the affirmative action front again, we recently found out that DAMN, ah, BAMN (the By Any Means Necessary Coalition) has satellite groups at other collegiate campuses. No word yet on whether they have any support in the real world.

ions 01 the au1hor and not necessarily those of the Review.

The opinions presented in this publication are not nece5" SIlly those of the advertisellitor of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the joumal.

But all this term, what with our merciless skewering of our opponents, and our take no prisoners news style, did we lose sight of the main goal - That somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. there is a place where we can all Just get along? That with the spirit of Christmas in the air, there is atime that we could all just sit down and laugh about how the world works?

Of course we dk1l For that matter, you probably aid as well, Let's all celebrate in our glorious materialistic decadence!

All, what bliss!

Please address all advertising and subscription inquiries to: Publisher cJo the Michigan Review, Editorial And Business Offices: 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 481()9.1265 EMAIL: MREVOumlch.edu URL: http://www.umlch.edul~mrev/ Tel. (313) 647-8438 Fax (313) 936-2505 CopyrighI 0 1"7, by lilt IIIchIgIn ReovIow,Inc. ". r!pU...weI. lilt 1IIchIpan"'" .11IIIIIIb« ~ tilt CoIIIgIIIe ~

Serpent's Tooth was rather amused by the surprise appearance of The Anti-Daily, a minor upstart of a publication that showed up in the Fishbowl. For the record, we had nothing The Michigan Review at all to do with it. However, we would Letters to the EditQr like to give 'the newest kid on the 911 N. University Ave. block a fine welcome, and note the Suite One following: - You're right about Lee Ann Arbor, MI48109 Corso. Just because he couldn't attend a fine instituti,n like Michigan or email with subject "Letters to doesn't mean this lame, no-talent the Editor-: mrevOumich.edu ~chor has to consistently support flteht.aska in ,the ,poUs Ml . . .. ~ . - - , .. - - . - .

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December 10,1997

3

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o CAMPUS COMMENTARY

Higher Turnout, Con~stency Marked MSA Elections "~,,,,

quiet regardjng the campaign by those numing. Admittedly, while t.JJere were ICHIGAN STUDENT a few days in which Angell Hall looked Assembly (MSA) elections like it had been hit with a Class Five always tend to have at least hurricane, the campaign was rather calm. Advance press by the campus a bit of SUlprise to them. This time media was also limited. with the Daily around, that element of surprise was present not only in the turnout at the essentially ignoring the race. election, but also in the incredibly What this suggests is that there strong showing oftb.e Students' Party, is a core group of students, about 10 which stea.mrolled over their opposipercent of the student body, who are tion with relative ease in almost evconcerned enough about student afery contest. fairs to consistently vote, regardless '!he fall turnout, which reached a of how much campaigning or adverhealthy (or anemic) 12 percent, was 'tising is done. Addressing the consomewhat higher than in previous cerna of this core constituency, then, becomes vital for any MSA contender. years, when turnout has ranged from between 8 and 10 percent in the "offIn every serious contest, the Stuterm" elections. However, election dents' Party emerged as the definiwatchers were proved wrong, most of tive winner. In LS&A, the SP took six whom were expecting a low or truly out of eight available seats. '!he other pathetic turnout. Indeed, the opinion two, retained by the capable Indepenpage of the Michigan Daily even dent Barry Rosenberg and the stillestimated that turnout might range present Michigan Party Chair Dan from as low as 5 percent to an optimisSerota, would seem to lend credence tic high of 10 percent., to the notion that in general, students The high turnout is even more prefer MSA insiders to novices. surprising given the relative lack of Indeed, in the College of Engineering, David Burden (SP) and Mark advertising done by the MSA regarding the elections, and the relative Dub (MP), both experienced and ca-

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

M

pable representatives, won ~lection. In Rackham, CUITent MSA representatives Joshua Trapani and Michael Pniewski, both Independents, also won re-election. And in the Business School, SP candidate and former Nihilist party Chair Andrew Serowik received the majority of votes compared to newcomer Jeremy Hazan.

Traditional "outsider" parties were again trounced at the polls. The United Rebels Front, which did reasonably well and spent a great deal of money on advertising in local campus media, including a back-page Daily advertisement, still ranged in the 9001400 point range for LSA, and in the mid-150s for Engineering.

The Liberty Party, which did almost no campaigning, remained in the basement with an average LSA point total of about 400. 'This abysmal showing was only salvaged by Rory Diamond's innovative campaign, which received 1289 points, more than any other Liberty Party candidate.

The Defend Affirmative Action Party also fared reasonably well, about on par with the United Rebels Front, but again, not well enough to win any

seats. '!he Defend Affirmative Action Party gathered from 750 to 1440 points. This party has done similar to past incarnations of student political parties apparently thought up and headed by party Chair JesSica Curtin, and it is reasonable to assume that should the party nul in the fall, it will again have a strong showing, but 'not strong enough to actually win a LSA or Engineering seat.

However, smaller schools were a different matter this time around. '!he normally sedate Medicine race was won handily by Carlos Hernandez Ford, with 34 votes. His hapless opponents had a total of 7 votes combined.

Music was a similar slaughter, with Shalla Guthikonda (SP) beating Alex Ruthmann (DAA) 28-3. 'The DAA Party did win a seat in Education with a whopping 6 votes, and in Pub~ lic Health, Jeff"SupeIfan" Holzhausen won with an.almost comedic 2 votes.

Undoubtedly, the Wmter race will be quite hot Concerted campaigning and a platform that resonates with students could make one of these outsider parties part of the Establishment. But then again, who knows?Mt

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MSA ELECTION RESULTS DENTISTRY Matthew Reese (write-in) EDUCATION Felicia Ordaz (DAA) MEDICINE Carlos Hernandez Ford (I) MUSIC Shaila Guthikonda (SP)

PUBLIC HEALTH Jeffrey Holzhausen (MP) _

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ENGINEERING J enna Fry (SP) David Burden (SP) Mark Dub (MP)

SOCIAL WORK Timothy Laird (I) Jim Gorman (I) KINESIOLOGY Bradley Holcmann (MP)

LS&A Sarah Chopp (SP) Bill Briggs (SP) Andrew Coulouris (SP) Bram Elias (SP) Brian Reich (SP) Joe Bernstein (SP) Barry Rosenberg (I) Dan Serota (MP)

BUSINESS Andrew Serowik (SP) Jeremy Hazan (MP) RACKHAM Jessica Foster (SP) Josh Trapani (I) Mike Pniewski (I)

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10,

4

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

December 10, 1997

o FROM SUITE ONE .,:;

Housing Policy Poorly Planned

M

ECENT BLOW FROM UNIVERSITY HOUSING HAS LEFT hundreds of U-M students reeling and uncertain about their future 'ving conditions. A new housing policy will force upperclassmen out of traditional dorms and into the oft-dreaded world of off-eampus housing, because of the unexpected surge in freshman enrollment during the past seven years. Due to what has been termed as an inability to predict the number of accepted students who will enroll in the University, University Housing is pushing its once-held-dear-to-heart sophomores and juniors (at one time recruited to re-apply to the dorms) out the door to squeeze in a multitude of confused and puffy-jacketed freshmen.

Most of us, it is true, hated dorm life. The same ridiculous philosophy that mandates the use of the term "residence hall" instead of "dorm" resulted (at least for those ofus in South Quad) in many noisy nights ofshouting in the halls, loud music, answering machines turned up full-blast, and about two dozen fire alarms (only one ofwhich was legitimate). The gripes are numerous: overpriced food, uncomfortable surroundings, and so on.

Yet, there is something tragic and unjust about the whole affair, not only for the some 400-600 sophomores and juniors who will be forced to look for offcampus housing, but also for the student community at large, which will be competing for affordable off---eampus housing along with this new influx of exdormers. It is inevitable that a higher demand for housing around Ann Arbor will give landlords an opportunity to raise rents (again) - we can see them licking their chops, and it isn't a pretty sight. Off-campus housing will also force some ex-dormers, who desired the privacy of single-living that University housing had provided, to find apartment or house mates, a time-consuming and often very difficult endeavor. The new housing policies will also affect a large number of upperclass women: those who would have resided in all-female dorms. Forsaking the security and traditional standards of all-female dorms might cause problems for some women whose concerns about their safety and values will be undermined by the apparent thoughtlessness ofthe University.

Granted, freshmen also have it rough as .they learn the ropes at the University and settle into their new college lives. They need a place like a dorm to touch base, where they don't have to worry about preparing food, cleaning their bathroom!?, or sending out electric bills. But there are many sophomores, juniors, and seniors who require these same luxuries, too, as they face imminent graduate school exams and applications, theses,job hunts, excess extracurricular activities (to plump up those resumes) and other stresses of University life. Who is to decide which group has more validity in living in the dorms: the group figuring out where Tisch Hall and the Nectarine are, or the group racing to fill out law school ~pplications?

Obviously, the University has decided already, after having supposedly weighed all its options. Oddly enough, the University is not planning on building a new dormitory. Or rather, true to form, the University has poohpoohed any rational choice to build a new building for all the freshmen whom they are letting into the school. Even with a freshly-squeezed amount of money from the Campaign for Michigan, the University is unwilling to ease the housing burden of a good number of its students.

In essence, however, what we want isn't another dorm. It's fewer students.

The influx of new freshman is not just affecting the number of residents in the dorms and compe\ition for off-campus housing, but also the wait at the overcrowded computing sites, the lines at Bruegger's, the number of football and hockey tickets, and the size of classes. It isn't simply a nuisance for the older people who have cOme to expect certain things from the University. The new, incoming students are going to be affected as well. The college experience of the typical freshman will be hampered byovercrowdedintro classes and, importantly, by a sea of equally clueless faces that roam his or her dorm. According to many, the dorm is the prime place to make friends and connections. Yet, by removing the older population from the dorms, freshman will be missing out on the opportunity to befriend and learn from upperclassmen. Dorms will become noisy buildings pulsating with the sounds of the Spice Girls and Wu-Tang, lacking the usually quiet and serious studiousness of juniors and seniors that would be a positive influence on party-wild freshmen.

The University should seriously reconsider their housing and admissions policies in the near future. The drastic and unfortunate changes that they are currently enacting will have long-lasting effects on the entire University population. By limiting the number of students granted admittance, and remembering that campus housing is not just for the new kids, the University will be able to provide quality education and housing for all of its students: old and new, on- and off-eampus. .Mt .. _

o COMMENTARY Piscataway Settlement Flawed

W

ITHTHEAFFIRMATIVEACTIONCONTROVERSYCONTINUING to grow, and with greater scrutiny being given to racial preference programs, many liberals feal"that the Supreme Court will soonlldopt a broad retrenchment of affirmative action. This was the motivation behind the November 21st settlement of the case, Piscataway u. New Jersey, which the Supreme Court had recently agreed to consider. The facts of the case were these: Sharon Taxman, a white teacher, was laid off so that a black colleague with similar qualifications and identical seniority could keep her job. The school district needed to layoff someone, so they kept the black teacher in an effort to maintain a "diverse" faculty. Taxman filed a reverse-discrimination suit against the district, and eventually the Supreme Court agreed to hear the case.

Most legal observers believed the Court's ruling would be in Taxman's favor; fearing this, a coalition of civil rights groups agreed to provide the major share of the $433,500 settlement that the district will pay to Taxman, thus denying the Court the opportunity to rule on the case.

The coalition's action has been correctly denounced as a drastic step taken to prevent the Supreme Court from ruling on an important principle - whether policies favoring minorities or women can be justified solely on the basis of promoting diversity. Although some civil rights leaders deny that this was the primary motivation for the settlement, others are unapologetic, saying that it was necessary to prevent the Court from making a broad ruling based on a case they admit was weak. "When you've got a slugger coming to bat, you don't want your weakest pitcher on the mound," said the Rev. Joseph Lowery, a member of the Black Leadership Forum.

Knowing that the days of racial preferences are numbered, the civil rights establishment has embarked on a last-ditch strategy to prevent relevant cases from reaching the Court until President Clinton has the chance to appoint Justices more friendly towards affirmative action. The settlement reveals the hypocrisy of many liberals, who for years took advantage of an activist Court's inclination to "make law" to achieve goals which they could not attain through popular democratic means. Now that the Court is less likely to rule in their favor, they are criticizing it for such behavior. As Deval Patrick, head of the Justice Department's civil rights division during Clint9n's first term, complained, "[the Justices] don't show respect for their own precedents and that's one of the problems ... We'd be fine with this Court if the judges acted like judges. The problem is they don't always act likejudges." Yet, liberals never seemed to mind judges ignoring precedents when it meant getting something they wanted.

While shrewd from a legal standpoint, the settlement was a disgusting display of just how far the civil rights "leadership" will go to p:reserve a system which classifies people based solely on their skin color. Funny, that was the sort of thing they once tried to eliminate ... They should be ashamed. Mt - Lee Bockhorn ..••• ,.<~ •. w""' .• ~ •.,.. _,~'""'......_

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December 10, 1997

THE MIcmGAN REVIEW

5

o LoST IN THE EIGHTIESTM

"Wait a

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be awful.

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR DI路 HAVE TO FACE FACTS, I VERSITY: Kepple! suppose, and live up to the unME: Yessir? pleasant and annoying fact that ...

ASST. PROF.: DON'T CALL ME in a few months I am going to have to SIR! Call me "Bob." become employed. This, while not ME: Right, well, Bob, there's this nearly as bad as starving, entering problem ... graduate school (read: starving), or ASST. PROF: Kepple, have you deciding to take time off and find ever visited Nicaragua? myself (read: starving), will most ME: Ah ... likely be somewhat unpleasant. After ASST. PROF: It's such a beautiall, in all likelihood, my dream occuful land. So pristine and untouched pation of working for The Wall Street by man, that is, until the contras .

Journal will take years and years of came and ruined the Sandinista exexperience in the journalism field. It periment! ALL MY WORK RUINED! is more likely that I will begin workME: Your work? ing as an editorial assistant for the ASST. PROF: AN EGALITARSacramento Bee or the New Orleans IAN SOCIETY WIPED AWAY BY Times-Picayune, making $18,000 a THE CAPITALIST SCUM! year. This is about average, apparME:Uh, Bob, doyouneedaXanax, ently, for an entrant into journalism. or something? .

Hey. it's not the lowest paidjob generASST. PROF: DON'T YOU SUBally requiring a college degree for VERT MY WILL TO THOSE MULTInothing!

NATIONAL ECODESTROYERS! I greatly enjoy journalism, and Don't you know pharmaceutical comwhen I feel I have the time to really panies are run by Satan himself?! work at it as much as I would like, I SATAN, I TELL YOU! Oh , by the f(' ,~l that I can do quite a decent job of way, I need you to grade these papers, reporting. I've even been Paid to write. and clean out my file cabinet, and which is pretty scary at that, but I ~pair the Cuban flag on the door.

Some fascist tried to light it on fire. also have a great deal of amateur experience, working my way up Can you believe that? It's not as if it through the ranks here at the Review. was an American flag. Butchers.

GEOFF BROWN: KEPPLE! ME: I don't know whether I agree You're FIRED! with you on that ...

ME: But but but ... Mr. ...

ASST. PROF: Tut, tut, Kepple!

BROWN: Ha! Just kidding, ManRemember! I have a doctorate, and aging Editor Kepple!

I've been published in three scholarly ME: Managing Editor?! Wow! publications! Hence, I'm better than I'm just kidding, of course. Geoff you are! was a good guy to work for, and I must ME: But two of those were letters admit that sometimes I wonder just to the publication's editor complainhow effective I am. ing about how there needed to be BUCKLEY: Right, here's the more female Native Americans and! page plan. Anyhow, we've got to get or other persons of color on the mastthis done before ... head. In fact, didn't you just shotgun LEE:Ohno!HerecomesldiAmin! that letter?

ME: Hiya lads !Hey! Tim Horton's!

ASST. PROF: No! Not at all!

Mind ifl have some?

ME: Wait! Yes, you did! That's However,jouinalism is a far betwhy you had me lick all those enveter option than some of the other lopes! I mean, something like that Work Options that I could do for a was bound to come up in the Utne living, now isn't it? Yes, it is. After all, Reader sometime, wasn't it? So you had to go and do it!

I could be a graduate student working in the History department (bad), EnASST. PROF: Shut up! You're glish department (worse), or the creating a hostile and uncomfortable American Culture department (hell). environment for me!

I can see it now. I'd be working for ME: Right, Bob. Assistant Professor Diversity (thank ASST. PROF: Sycophant. you, Anthony Burgess, for inspiraOnly slightly better would be tion on that one) or some such soonworking in the Classics department, to-be tenured academic whose diswhere I would be instantly executed sertation was on 19th century Ameriby a Latin professor because I had no can Potholders. And I would be forced idea how to decline hie, haec, hoc. to enter into a working relationship Think about it - how many of you with this academic and pretend like I Latin students can do that without really cared abOut potholders and how looking in the back of the book, eh? they were tools ofoppreslJion. It would That's right! None of you! Face it. If

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

I

you said, 'Work.'

a neat blue helmet and get shot at by members of paramilitary bands roving around the general area ofMuncie, Indiana, where I would probably be stationed. The rest of our generation, due to the Defense Department making A Classic Blunder (Princess Bride Fans, you know: "The first classic blunder being, Never Get In a Land War in Asia!") would be sent, at least those people capable of combat, to die on some Pacific island someplace. If! was able to play it like Dan Quayle, I could always claim "wartime service," trick voters into making me Senator, and someday become Vice President.

But the most likely course that I will take will be, of course, into journalism. It's something that I enjoy, and if I work very hard at it, I might even be able to afford the rent on an apartment of my very own. I've even heard rumors that a few journalists in the profession even make over $50,000 or $60,000 a year! The fact that you could get paid that kind of money and still have an eJ\joyablejob seems like a contradiction. But 111 take it. It sounds better than graduate school. Mt

any of us were to be graduate students in the Classics department, we would do absolutely wonderful until that fateful day when we mistranslated an ut clause, and that would be the end of everything.

I would hate to even think of me getting near a science related field.

All I know about science is what I learned in high school, and I'll always remember how angry Mr. Sinclair got when I accidentally turned on the particle accelerator during that field trip to Western Michigan University.

And that incident in high school biology class involving me, the fetal pig, Paul Unwin, and the small intestine of the pig is still talked about at the Kalamazoo Area Mathematics and Science Center, although Paul said he had recovered fully from ... well, never mind.

So now that I've eliminated the fun world of postgraduate education from the options available to me thank God - I could go to work in a menial job while I figured out what to do with my life. I could become an accountant, or an accountant's assistant. Or even worse, I could become a financial analyst. . ~,-' ~ ME: According to my calculations, the price of soybeans is going to shoot right through the roof within the next few weeks, and ...

BOSS: SOYBEANS! PRICE! UP! (on phone) (gesticulating wildly) BUY SOYBEANS! BUY SOY PRODUCTS! GET SOY FOR THE CAFETERIA! WE SHALL LIVE, BREATHE, AND EAT SOY! (three months later) ME: Mr. Smith, uh, you know how I said soybeans were going up? .

BOSS: Yes ...

ME:Well ...

BOSS: Well what ...

ME: Sign this, please.

BOSS: (reading and mumbling) .... blahblah .... Idohereby . . . holdBenjaminKepplenotliableforany.. .

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the transactionsthathehas ...

KEPPLE! ME: Well, what d'you know? You know three months ago? Well, I forgot to carry that two (pointing), right here sir, and.:. sir ... put that down ... it's not my fault you staked the college educations of ... your nieces and nephews too? ... but I ... NO! STOP! HELP! I could always hope for a major war to break out. At anyone time I have at least three serious medical ailments bothering me, so in the event of war, I would instantly be shuttled into nice, safe, warm Civil Defense service. Thiswouldenablemetowear ,- -,,-- -

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December 10, 1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOURTM

The ReatWorld Revealed ..

BY GEOFF BROWN

H

OWDY, FOLKS! IT HAS been quite some time since I've inflicted myself upon y'all, but with this being the Review's fifteenth anniversary and all, I was moved to write a little something for the newspaper I used to call home (quite literally during production weekends, as I remember!). Last May, against my better judgment, I decided that it was time to graduate and get my biology degree from this fine institution and flee, quickly, from the world of undergraduate education.

Over the past seven months or so, I have experienced [WARNINGTO SENIORS ON THE VERGE OFGRADUATING! READING THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE MAY BE FRIGHTENINGTOYOU AND/ORHAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! PLEASE TAKE PRECAUTIONS!!] the real world. It's not a pretty sight. However, I think that you all would benefit from the experiences, wisdom, and knowledge of one who has experienced the real world and has significant, meaningful anecdotes to share with you. Unfortunately, what you have is me. So sit back, fasten your seatbelts, and roll up for the mystery tour, which is dying to take you away to: the "realworld." (Believe me, you'll be dying to come right the hell back, too).

As soon as I graduated, I moved on to the relaxing and completely carefree career of "unemployed college graduate." This was a great career: no dress code, flexible hours, you get to hang out with your friends a lot, and so on. Oh sure, there was still the Review to manage until I handed the reins over to Ben formally, but withoutclasses, exams, and an actual staff (all of whom had wisely decided to (a) flee Ann Arbor before their evil professors decided to. destroy what was left of their brains with more damn.e d exams, and, (b) t~e lucrative and influential internships) this seemed much less demanding than it did before until I realized that, "Hey, my staff is gone!" But this otherwise disastrous revelation still didn't harm my mood, because I was in the lucrative field of "unemployed college graduate," and I even had a couple of

GeoffBrown graduated from U-Mlast May with a B.S . degree in biology, and is Editor Emeritus of tM Review. As punishment for all oftM anti-administration articles and features M ran M~-cJWf. 1M G.Kl ofComedic Retri6ation Aaieftteoaced IiimtG wori for the University.

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pending grad school admissions and possible job offers, so the "unemployed" part just seemed like a nice break. I would have continued in the field of "unemployed college graduate" (hell, I could have been a manager in that field) was it not for the annoying little fact that it doesn't tend to pay well. Then, suddenly, those last grad school prospects fizzled out, and wouldn't you know it, panic set in as I realized, "hey, I might run out of money soon! And I'm not going to be in school in fall, so it won't be as acceptable to be broke!" This led to the unfortunate realization that I needed to get aj .. . ajo .. . ajob. There, I said it.

I finally did manage to secure one of these. Gone was the carefree lifestyle ofthe "unemployed college graduate."

But at least I was getting some money now, and I wouldn't have to move into a cardboard box in the street. It was then that I finally took my first bold step into the real world, earning money on a regular basis, and living a normal, 8-5 life. As time progressed and I settled into the routine of the real world, it finally dawned on me: I have to get out!

Not that the real world doesn't have its advantages. First of all, you at least get some money. Believe it or not, your free time increases, too. Oh, sure, you might spend more hours per week in work than you did in class (a lot more time, for some of you) but affer work, you can do whatever you want! It's great! Think about it: after you're finally done with a hard day of classes, you stagger home, and do homework and study. It never ends.

At the end of a hard day of work, however, I get to take everything on my desk, put it aside, and forget about it! Try doing that in school! Of course, I came to the depressing realization that, now that I had time to have a life, I had no life. All of my friends had moved off to other places and taken jobs or gone to grad school. Believe me, it's hard to find the time to meet people when you're out of school. Oh, and just try taking a nap in the middle of the day! Bosses get so touchy about that! When I was still. in school, the nap was the high point of the day, and it enabled me to subsist on less sleep in a week than people were supposed to get all night. Another supposed advantage of work over school: instead of staying up all night studying, you could stay up all night and party, without worrying about failing some examt Ofcourse, you have to get up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready for work. 80 maybe that ian~t aw:h a &ooci idea.

I eventually came to the decision '.

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that I would get the hell out of the real myself, and the way that courts are allowing frivolous law suits that punworld as soon as I could, and not come back until I had the training to do ish doctors based upon verdicts based more upon emotion and less upon what I really wanted to do, which is be an unemployed billionaire. No, - medical fact, I might need that ability. The major downside I see, howwait! I mean, be a doctor. So I've resumed my medical school and ever, is that I might one day catch a cold, attempt to gain relief by taking graduate school quest. cold medicine, and if it didn't work, I The first thing I discovered is might, in my delirium, sue myself for that it's a lot easier to apply to graduate school, (a) when you have the malpractice (which would only be money to pay for the staggeringly made worse if I lost the case). high, extortion-like application fees, Plus, just because I had a law degree, doesn't mean I'd actually have and (b) when you have a job, which means you don't have to panic about to be a lawyer. I could be a scholar of law, or work in policy, or even become what to do if you don't get in. These a congressman or senator (DAD: are both definite pluses. I also discov"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!")!! ered, much to my surprise, that I was Of course, I have to face the possiinterested in, of all things, law school. bility that I won't actually get into I told this to my dad, who has never grad school right away, and that I'll held lawyers in very high regard. In be doomed to remain in the real world fact, I think he would rather have had for some time to come. This would me tell him I was considering any mean that my only other avenue of other profession. escape from the real world would be: politics. God knows that politics has ME: "Hey, Dad! I think I'm going nothing to do whatsoever with the to become a Colombian Drug Lord!" real world. 1 have been entertaining DAD: "Great! As long as you're the notion of entering the realm of not a lawyer!" politics for quite some time. In what other profession could you be sleazy, My dad's boss, who is a lawYer, unethical, and possibly criminal, and apparently thought that my possible still get ahead? Hell, if you play your career choice was the greatest thing cards right, you can even engage in she'd ever heard, a sort of divine retsex scandals! I could deal with that. ribution to my dad for all the lawyer I'd love to be President: all the power, jokes, and she proceeded to laugh her respect, and status you could ever ass off at him . I guess it would be kind want, plus you could, technically, orof like Tipper Gore finding that one of der a Marine invasion of Toledo if you her daughters had become a lyricist wanted to, just because you're the for some heavy metal band. Come to think of it, that would be funny as President.

For now, however, I remain a minhell. But I digress.

Actually, even though I might go ion of the real world, doomed to a fiveday a week, 8-5 dreary existence as to law school, I'd still like to get a one of many in the rat race. In partmedical degree. I always thought it ing, I have one final bit of advice to would be good to work in health law those of you about to graduate and and policy. Plus, if! ever got sued for head out into the world: don't. Mt malpractice, I'd be able to defend . ,~~ ,~

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7

THE MICIDGAN REVIEW

o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

BAMN: Irrationality in Pursuit of "Justice"

BY BENJAMIN L RouseH

T

HERE IS A NEW MOVEment developing on campus.

It is centered around preserving some special privileges given to certain minority groups. The membera of this movement believe that some applicants to the University should be held to lower academic standards because of their sex or the color of their skin. One of the groups involved in this movement apparently advocates extreme measures if these special privileges are taken away.

This group is known as BAMN (the Coalition to Defend Aflirmative Action By Any Means Necessary).

Part ofBAMN's published political program is to "build a militant ... movement that uses any means neeessary, including ... building occupationa and strikes to defend affirmative action." Yet BAMN also plans to "Use democracy to build the movement ..." A militant democracy? This type of contradiction is typical of BAMN, a group which refuses to debate intelligently, or even to recognize the validity of others' arguments.

Any dimwit can be militant, or use force to control peoples' beliefs. It takes intelligence and wisdom to argue rationally. It seems that BAMN is not willing to use their minds, the very minds which got them admitted to this fine institution, in a discussion of affirmative action. BAMN is the type of group which can discredit the entire pro-affinnative action movement. 'The fight for affirmative action would fare better without BAMN and its 'militant democracy.'

Most of the groups which advocate the special privileges are willing to engage in reasonable and logical debate. 'They present their arguments with civility and intel1.igenre. BAMN, however, violently shouts down any opposing viewpoint or argument with closed ears, and closed minds. They are unwilling to join in a peaceful, logical discussion about affirmative action. What is the exCU$e they give for being 80 iITational? They believe that their "rationality will fall victim to the dull foroe of[their] enemies." If the arguments presented by BAMN were logical, they would stand up to any "dull force," including a logical rebuttal. It is obvious, then, that BAMN's "rationality" must be flawed.

A glaring example of BAMN's flawed logic is the slogan plastered on all of their literature: "No ResegregatiQn~J,Pgher :Ed,.u?!tion:".

I asked JeaeicaO'Urtin,. a'})'io!idfi.erlt~' member ofandmouthpiece for BAMN, why they he1ievethat...the elimination. '

of the racist and sexist privileges afforded by affirmative action would cause the resegregation ofhighereducation. She replied with an email which was printed as a 'Letter to the Editor' at the Michigan Daily. WIthin the letter, she gives examples of colleges in California and Texas which have experienced a decline in minority applications and enrollment since the elimination of their affirmative action policies. Whatisnottakeninto account is that there has a been a general drop in college applications for all races, not just minorities. Undoubtedly, some of the minorities who would have applied to the coIleges without affirmative action polides decide, instead, to apply to schools with lower admission standards. With respect to minorities, a college which has lower admisidon standards dpes not imply that it is a "lesser" institution,but it does imply that it is a college which grants preferences based on race or sex. Thus, many minority students do not bother to apply to the non-affirmative action schools because they are more likely to be admitted to the preference-granting colleges. Thus, until all univeraities have eliminated their affirmative action programs, the statistics pointing to lower minority admissions are not valid.

So, Ms. Curtin still has not explained why eliminating affirmative action will segregate higher education. She has only presented examples which have been shown to be invalid in the present situation (some schools without race- or sex-based lower admissions standards, and some schools retaining affirmative action). She gives no other reason why lack of affirmative action policies will segregate higher education.

What are some of the other arguments for keeping in place the outdated and racist system of college admittance created by affirmative action? They say that minorities are underprivileged at the level of primary education. I do not debate this statement. It is obvious that the inner-city schools are not of the caliber of suburban institutions, and that a disproportionate number of minorities attend the inferior urban schools.

However, affirmative action proponents believe that because of their underprivileged situation, minorities should not be held to the same academic standarda as the "privileged" majority. Thus, because of the inferior education offered to minorities, "tb,ey~n)e'~ to penonn as well on standardized tests, and they ~ _will obriously .have alower.GPA, ., <'<~~n,>,"""",~~<",<"~""

If this is truly the case, then the uncomfortable talking about a obvious way to bring all high school person's "race" because I do not perstudents up to the same level ofposceive the world as made up of sepasible education excellence is to attack rate ":races." I believe that each perthe problem at the source. We should son is an individual, and that stereorestructure the primary education types cannot adequately describe a system so as to give all students an person who is truly an individual. I equal opportunity for a good educahave, for the purposes of this article, tion. Addressing the problem of unadopted the stereotypes created by equal education at the high school affirmative action and its proponents. level will provide a more permanent Affirmative action stereotypes "mifix. In the current situation, affirmanorities" (those people who possess a tive action is rather like duct tape skin color which is not the most prevaholding your car's fuel line together. lent in society) as underprivileged Some day, the duct tape will fall off, urbanites. Affirmative action also' and you're in big.t;rouble. Affirmative classifies "non-minorities" as priviaction has been holding the American leged suburbanites. It is this stereocolleges' admissions together for 30 typing which makes affirmative acyears. It's time to replace the line. tion racist Many "minorities" attend It is obvious that affirmative acprivileged suburban schools, and tion grants preferences to some people, many "non-minorities" attend underand not others. No rational person privileged urban schools. The very would argue this point, or that grantdiscussion of affirmative action forces ing preferences is constitutional. So, upon us a view of the world which is reader, you decide for yourself whether intrinsically filled with stereotypes you believe affinnative action is legal. by "race." Only through the eliminaPostscript: tion ofaffIrIIlative action and other I do not consider myself a racist, stereotype-laden societal construetions can we hope to achieve true and, in general, I try not to stereotype people according to their "race." I am'-# equality for all individuals. m

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December lOr 1997

THE MIClnGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS A Music Maj9r Takes On the NEA BY

LEE BocK:HORN

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PROFESSED CONSERvatism and contributions to e Review have elicited some interesting reactions from my colleagues at the School of Music. One of the moat common is for a friend at the School to ask in a condescending and/or critical tone, "So you're one of tboae bozos who wants to get rid of the National Endowment for the Arts?"

(NEA) The implied question, of course, is "how can you, a8 a musician and one who participates in and enjoys the arts, not support the NEAr Because of this, I feel a need to explain my apparent hypocrisy to my musical peers. So, I hope the following will demonstrate how I can be an "artist" (in whatever sense,) ;yet still support efforts by conservatives to eliminate

theNEA 'Ib.e first, and in many cases only, argument made by some conservatives against the agency is that it has supported the production of"obecene" art. While this is not the lone or even the beat argument against the Endowment, it has some validity. In recent years your tax dollars have funded (relax, our country has no more pressing concerns) a "performance artist'" whose -art'" coJl8isted ofpolitical diatribes in which she smeared hernaked chest with cborolate to symbolize excrement (and thus man's beastliness to women;) and Andrew SelT8.llo'a "Piss Christ," in which a crucifix was placed in a bottle ofhuman uririe. '!hese are just two ofnumerous examples. Such infantile displays are ostensibly intended to shock the bourgeoisie; the irony is that these artist:a produce such worlm while suckling at the government teat known as the NEA, which is inconveniently funded by that same detested bourgeoisie's tax dollars.

Of course, when conservatives cite such examples'to demonstrate that much ofwhat the NEA supports is not good art, cries of "censorship" arise from the art community. '!hey claim it ia not the government's role to decide what qualifies as "art" 'Ihis seems rather odd to say; one might think that the beat argument for government support of the arts would be that the art senes some larger social good (i.e., it "enriches" or "enlightens" the public). Yet, when conservatives

Lee Boo",",", i4 a Senior rruVoring in MUlIic and Political Science.

BocJelwm, an. accomp&/&ed triangle and lIlide whistle player, may be reached at bockhomtlumich.edu, should ~u CGI"e to lamhMtc him. ~

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ask that the NEA should at least distinguish between art that does and does not serve such purposes, we hear more complaints about censorship. '!here was once a time when the question of what constitutes serious and worthwhile art was answered by patrons, the educated public, and philosophers. Yet as columnist George Will points out, "today the question of 'is it art?' is considered at best an impertinence and at worst a precursor of 'censorship,' understood as a refusal to subsidize." The important point that conservatives make is that the elimination of the NEA would not prevent the likes of SelTano from producing their "art" if they so chose; it would merely get the government out of the messy business of subsidizing such nonsense, and then having to defend itself.

Even with the strength of the claim that the NEA has fimded many questionable activities, there are more. substantial arguments against the agency which have little to do with the content or quality of art produced.

'They concern more ftmdamental questions about what the federal government ought to be doing, and how decisions are made to detennine how the government allocates its scarce resources. Let us be realistic - our country has always had a healthy fear ofletting government become too expansive, and this fear ensures that the government will always have limited resourres to spread around. 'Ihis, in turn, necessitates that we must make difficult choices about priorities. Given this, are the NEA's supporters prepared to say that arts subsidies have the same claim on government dollars as cancer research, child immunization, or a host of other worthy programs? 'Ibis is not to say that art is unimportant, but that there is a crucial difference we must acknowledge. If a government program. exists to encourage, say, the production of highways or housing or tomatoes, it is fairly simple for it to assemble relevant experts, formulate standards to measure the agency's success, and determine when the goal has been reached. Try developing an analogy for the NEA, given the difficulty of coming to an agreement on standards to determine when worthy art has been produced. '!he point is that we must recognize a distinction: there are lots of great ideas and worthy, noble endeavors out there, but that does not mean they should all automatically become federal programs.

This means, as conservatives admit, that private funding alone must support the arts in America. To this,

the NEA responds by stressing the agency's role in "leveraging" money for the arts from the private sector.

'This is a mixed blessing, though, since an NEA grant often lends an aura of legitimacy to nonsense, which enables these "artists" to garner support from uninformed yet well-intentioned persons in the private sector. Nevertheless, the notion that private funding of the arts will wither away if the NEA is eliminated is preposterous.

Corporations and the wealthy, always searching for ways to reduce their tax bills, will surely continue to support artists and arts organizations which have proven their cultural value, such as orchestras and museums.

The whole question about who should fund the arts gets to the heart of a major problem with our government today. Too often, the decision about how to spend government money depends less on the relative merits ofdifferent programs, and more on which lobbies are the most knowledgeable and aggressive at getting the attention of politicians, and the NEA is a textbook example. The agency itself recently released a};;e.", port that said the agency had amtributed to an "elitist" attitude in the art community. '!he overwhelming majority of those who enjoy the types of art the agency supports are generally middle to upper middle class or richer, highly educated, politically aware, articulate individuals. Thus this group is better situated, in terms of resources and knowledge about how government works, to influence how government money is spent. 'Ibat allows this group, which by any measure certainly has enough resources to support the arts it enjoys by itself, to instead convince the government to use the tax dollars of everyone, from a single mother on the South Side of Chicago to a rancher in the vast grasslands of Montana, to, in essence, subsidize their ballet tickets. Some art lovers may be able to ignore their consciences enough to areept this, but I cannot.

NEA supporters also claim that the point of the agency is to bring art to persons like that single mother or rancher, and to support art that the market alone will not sustain. That is a noble goal, but this has not been the case most of the time in reality. Furthermore, these supporters are being hypocritical when they say that the NEA's existence is necessary to support art which would not be sustained by the market or private support, because they are also constantly proclaiming how popular NEA supported projects are. In a speech in Pittaburgb.

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9

several years ago, the Endowment's former chairperson, Jane Alexander, stated that the arts in Pittsburgh were 80 popular that they were outdrawing the city's professional baseball, football, and hockey teams combined. This, of course, begs the question: ifthe arts in Pittsburgh (or any other city) are so why do they need federal subsidies?

I hope, by now, that I have demonstrated how it is possible for someone who values the importance of the arts in mankipd's existence to nevertheless agree with efforts to eliminate the NEA. Ifthe agency someday meets its demise, and this means that persons like. myself who have the means will have to pay an 'extra.ten dollars for a ticket to an orchestra concert or opera, so be it; at least we wiD have clear consciences. And furthennore. arts supporters who moan that nothing less than the apocalypse will 0ccur if the NEA is eliminated should lighten up; listening to them. one wonders how on earth the Hemingways, F. Scott Fitzgeralds. T.S. Enot8, and Beethovens of the world produced novels, plays and symphonies before the existence of the almightyNEA. which was created amongst thehubris of Lyndon Johnson's Great Society in 1965. '!heir time would be better spent trying to convince out nation's youth to tum off the MTV for a while and listen to some Bach or read a good book, so that the future of art appreciation in this country will not depend on an elitist few needing to convince the govemmentto subsidize their pleasures. m

popular,

Scandalized by the free-market ideas espoused by Lee Bockhorn?

Or are they a breath of fresh air?

Sound om Write and complain to: Letters to the Editor The Michigan Review 911 N. University, Suite One Ann Arbor. MI 48109 Or, e-mail us at mrev@umich.edu with Letters to the Editor in the subject line.

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10

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

December 10, 1997

Fast Track: A,GOP Opportunity? ~

BY

MATI'HEW BucKLEY

T

YPICALLY, REPUBLICANS oppose President Clinton's pr oposals and initiatives.

Given that President Clinton is one of the most canny politicians in recent memory, this has often led to disappointment. Perhaps when Republicans saw that the formidable talents of Clinton would be devoted to passingfast-track trading authority, aRepublican goal for some time, they were optimistic. Fittingly, however, the time that Republicans wanted Clinton to win, he failed . What went wrong?

"Fast-track authority" is a jargon-laden term for a relatively simple idea that emerges from the complexities of the legislative process. Presidential trade agreements require Congressional approval before they can be put into effect. This effectively divides trade agreement negotiations into two rounds. First, treaty signatories must all agree to the plan, and bringing diverse nations together is tricky. After all this work, the plan goes to the Congress. After helping draft trade agreements like the NAFTA, these agreements thus face another round of negotiation.

This second round of negotiation is theoretically problematic. The House alone has 435 different members, with 435 constituencies. This leads to significant problems in dealing with any issue, much less trade negotiation. Individual members can add amendments to bills, forcingmembers to either accept their amendments (often "pork-barrel" spending), or defeat the whole bill.

This happens with a slight variation in approving trade agreements.

If the Congress changes the treaty that the President negotiates with other nations, the rest of the signatory nations have to approve the changed treaty, not the original. The U.s. Congress can thus muck up the carefully devised balance struck in the international phase of trade negotiation. While other national constitutions ensure that the heads of government are of the same party as the congressional majority, this does not happen in the U.S .. Thus the dangers oflegislative tinkering with the trade agreement process are increasingly prevalent here.

Yet the U.s. system had, for a Matthew Buckley is a junior majoring in political science, economics, and philosophy, and is Managing Editor of the Review. For questions or comments, he can be reached at mbuckleY@Umich.edu.

.

long time, had a tool with which to avoid this problem - fast-track authority. This procedure basically tied Congressional hands. Once a President had a trade agreement signed by other nations, he could propose it to Congress for a simple up-down vote on the whole agreement. Amendments, and the havoc they could cause, were avoided entirely. For many years, Congress understood it had to limit its abilities to bog down trade treaties. In 1934, Congress gave the President fast-track authority for all bilateral trade agreements; this was extended to multilateral agreements in 1974.

Yet Congress must renew this authority, and the NAFTA debate changed everything. NAFTA opponents had two large concerns. First, they feared that the free-trade treaty would lead to a "race to the bottom" in environmental standards, as companies would move en masse to nations with lower environmental protections.

Second, they claimed that the low wages paid for Mexican labor would lead to a huge swing of jobs south of the border.

After Canada and Mexico signed the NAFTA pact, it proceeded to the Congress, where it hit massive resistance. For all their concern about the environmental and wage rates, NAFTAopponents were unable to add amendments to the bill. Thus the issue was to be a simple up-down vote on NAFTA. Faced with losing a crucial vote, Clinton himself put several provisions into the agreement regarding various protections. This was a classic move that pleased nobody. The provisions were not seen as stringent enough to truly address the concerns raised by lawmakers, and the changes meant that Mexico and Canada had to again be persuaded to new conditions on the agreement. Even with fast-track, NAFTA came close to failure; without it, NAFTA would have certainly failed.

NAFTA opponents, primarily leftwing Democrats, did not forget. Fasttrack authority requires Congressional approval every two years. In 1995, Congress did not pass the extension offast-track, which effectively cut the U.S. out of the race for trade agreements.

Last month, a bid to reestablish fast-track authority fell flat in the House, in a vote that is one of the President's most embarrassing political defeats. The defeat was embarrassing since the majority-party Republicans stood behind the President; fast-track passage only required a small number of Democrat votes. Yet

the efforts of the White House to provide support fell incredibly flat: over 160 House Democrats (over 80% of their House number) voted against the President, in the face of heavy lobbying. It displays a crucial schism in the Democratic party. As New York Times reporters noted after the vote, "fears of broken promises and utterly incompatible political goals combined to produce [the] devastating defeat for the president."

If trade was not such an important issue, fast-track authority would not be as important. Yet left-wing Democrats have drastically undercut American ability to negotiate trade at an amazingly inopportune time. Since 1995, other nations, better able to make trade agreements, have outhustled the U.S. in world trade negotiations. As noted by U.S. Undersecretary of State Stuart Eizenstat, the European Union in particular has been very active in courting trade with South American nations. South American nations themselves have become active in creating their own trade groups, such as Mercosur (a NAFTA-like pact linking Argentina, Brazil, Paraguay, an.d Uruguay). Given the rising importance of trade in the world economy, America's comparative disadvantage in trade is exposing the U.S. to serious economic risks.

House Democrats, like Michigan's own Sander Levin, do not deny that their refusal to give the president fast-track authority significantly impairs trade negotiations. However, they argue that NAFTA has proved their past arguments correct. Dick Gephardt, in a recent statement submitted to the Washington newsletter Roll CaU, argued that Mexico's horrible record of protection of the environment and workers' rights means that U.S. economic interests are at risk. Teamed with labor unions, Gephardt continues the same argument - U.S. trade agreements are hurting U.S. workers. If the choice is one between trade agreements with such flaws and no trade agreements, it seems, Gephardt is willing to take the latter.

Yet the post-NAFTA economic record of the economy does not indicate such harms to U.S. workers. According to Rebecca Bannister of the Progressive Policy Institute, the economic record after the NAFTAis surprisingly good. Democrats clearly overestimated their claims that NAFTA would lead to massive job movements to Mexico, as Bannister and others find that such moves after theNAFTAhave been "negligible." In

-"" ." '''-

certain key economic sectors, the postNAFTA economic boom has led to a dramatic increase in worker numbers (notably, the automotive industry has seen 100,000 new jobs since the NAFTA treaty). While it would certainly be a logical error to assume that all these jobs came from the NAFTA pact, it is certain that the prophets ofNAFTA-induced economic doom were wrong. Similar gains from trade could emerge from pacts with Mercosur and other South American nations; without fast-track authority, we will never know.

Republicans may well worry that trade is not an issue that works in their favor. The standard Democratic caricature of conservatives always involves the right-wing and the business elite working together to increase corporate profits at the expense of the wage earner. NAFTAhasc1earlymade corporate executives more than a pretty penny or two, for sure. It may be reasonable to fear such demagoguery.

However, . this would be a mistake. In the midst of a truly impressiye economy, it will be tough for the "left to clearly articulate harms inflicted by NAFTA on American workers. Given analysis indicating job gains, Republicans should be able to emerge with some sort of argument that NAFTA, and other free-trade agreements by corollary, are good for all segments of American economic life. Since 1994, the Republicans have been fought all kinds of fights with politically inexpedient arguments remember how deftly Democrats maneuvered Republicans into opposing flood aid for citizens of North Dakota, creating a political mess for conservatives. With some commitment, fasttrack authority could be an issue in which practical application and political expediency both work in the GOP's favor ... if conservatives make the arguments.

Up to now, it seems that Republicans have been happy to let Clinton lead the fight. In the short term, this has the distinct (and wickedly pleasurable) benefit of watching Democrats tear at Democrats. In the long term, it shows the right ignoring a potentially powerful campaign issue for short-term political gains. What else is new? l\R

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December 10, 1997

11

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

The Abortion Debate Continues .

BY JACOB

T

F.M.

OSLICK

HE CARDINAL RULE OF politics and policy in the media age is effective communication . To achieve one's goal, one must be diligent, articulate oneself clearly, and reach a broad audience. The shorter and simpler the message, the better the sound-bite, and the further reach it has. The war over abortion, a war for the hearts and minds of the American public, is essentially a battle over dialogue. Thus both sides have their favorite catch phrases: prolife, pro-child, pro-choice, pro-women; and their favorite attacks on their opponents: pro-abortion, anti-choice, extremist, etc. Over the past twentyfive years, the pro-choice movement has excelled in public relations, and won media backing. It has been able to paint, unfairly, pro-lifers as nothing more than being uneducated, antifemale, religious extremists. Unfortunately for America's unborn, the pro-life movement has often been simply a caricature ofthe above qualities.

Far too often, they appear as groups with a theological agenda, not a moral one. The occasional violent incident (perhaps one shooting every few years), hasn't helped creating the suggestion pro-lifers are all hypocritical murderous zealots (which is a lot like judging all Arabs by the actions of a single suicide bomber). The pro-life movement, silenced, confused, and controlled by fundamentalist Christians, has yet to make a serious dent in post-Roe vs. Wade abortion law, or been able to convince large numbers of young people of the need to protect the unborn. Nevertheless, all the clear medical and moral evidence regarding abortion favors their position.

What is needed is a serious campaign grounded in medical evidence and secular morality, to dispel the myth that "choice" is omnipotent in all human interactions.

To truly understand the horror of abortion, one must know definitively when human life begins. From the moment of conception, an individual has all the genetic material they will ever possess. Fertilization starts a process which, barring unnatural interruption, will result in a fully functioning human being well within nine months time. Within three weeks (before most women realize they are even pregnant), a baby develops a beating heart (qualifying for the most basic medical definition of life). A hand, feet, fingers , and toes shortly follow.

Within six weeks, elementary brain ::lctivity begins. Therefore, as any doc~or can tell you, the develouping baby

,. :Il1"

is both very much alive, and very human (not only possessing 100% human DNA, but also physically resembling a small child). Abortion kills this child, in one of many ways, depending on the stage of development (everything from salt poisoning, to being literally vacuumed out, to partial-birth abortion: when a full grown baby is partially delivered, with its feet, legs, and chest outside the vagina, the abortionist then takes a knife, jams it through the neck, and suctions out the brains). Where exactly, should the line be drawn? Why don't we give parents the right to exterminate their offspring for two or three years after birth? We can call it a trial period.

Perhaps what is more debatable is when the human soul enters the child. No doctor or theologian can absolutely know. Here the pro-choice argument is childishly simple- since we don't know ifit is conscious, we can kill it (make no mistake, this is exactly what abortion does). In every instance except abortion, to save a life, the law (and our personal conscience) demands we error on the side of caution. Ifwe don't know whether the child has a soul, shouldn't we protect it rather then take the risk of killing another fully-fledged human being. Say, for example, you are driving on a street where you know children often play in large cardboard boxes in the middle of the road. You happen to notice a large cardboard box. Do you gun it up to 60 and hope no child was playing in that box?

It is at this juncture that the prochoice movement frequently invokes choice as some pre-eminent or catchall value. The argument usually goes something like this: How dare you try to dictate what a woman does with her own body. Shouldn't a woman decide whether she wants to have a baby? How can you possibly deny her this sacred choice? Neglected is the clear, immutable fact, that as former Assistant Secretary of State Alan Keyes notes, all laws do is restrict choice. Every single law in creation restricts a choice of some sort. We have laws against stealing, drug use, murder, extortion, rape, tax fraud etc.

The criteria for judging a law cannot be "Does it restrict choice?," for then we would descend into anarchy.

Rather we must ask, "Is this restriction of choice justified? Would the law do more harm then good? Or, would it serve justice and benefit society?"

In determining whether or not abortion meets this criteria, we must consider what is gained and lost

through abortion. True, having an abortion can make the life of a young woman easier. However, often neglected in this debate about choice, is that a choice has already been made.

Excepting perhaps the 2-3 percent of abortions resulting from rape or incest, each pregnant woman has already made a choice by engaging in sexual relations. Life is all about coping with the choices - good and bad - that we have made. Furthermore, given the medical evidence indicating the child is both alive and human within the womb, the acceptance of abortion sets a dangerous precedent.

By permitting abortion, we say as a society that making one persons life a little easier is worth the death of an innocent child. We are value-ing the pleasure of the moment over the preciousness of life. The liberalization of abortion has resulted in a country where 1.2 million children are killed every year, roughly the number of Americans killed in all our wars combined.

The last argument often put forth by the pro-choice movement is by far the scariest. Often they will argue that abortion is not just beneficial to the mother, but to the child as well.

They say things like "Would you rather the child suffered through a life of desperate poverty, with parents who might not love himlher? What do you think are the chances that this child will graduate high school, or every truly be happy?" In other words: they are better off dead. There is one word to describe such reasoning: fascist.

We can NEVER suppose that another individuals life is not worth living.

We have no right as human beings to make this choice for them. To do so would demolish every value liberal democratic society holds dear. Even supposing that every single one of those 1.2 million children would never be loved, graduate from high school, or be happy (which is totally ridiculous, this country is filled with people pulling themselves up from misery), can one honestly argue that every single one would not want to be alive?

If so, wouldn't there be mass suicides among say, the million or so children whose parents faced similar circumstances, but decided to keep the child?

The last time such a substantial moral issue divided the American people, it ended in the Civil War. Hopefully, we can avoid such an outcome- if pro-lifers redirect their focus, and successfully convince the American public that abortion that although abortion is expedient, it is just plain wrong. In any case, the debate over abortion must not be one

•••

over soundbites. It must be over medical knowledge and basic morality.

Only then, can the issue reach a conclusion, and the genocide ended. Ml.

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12

December 10,1997

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

Charter Schools: ,How to Reform Education ~

, :';,1' .,'

BY MAUREEN SIRHAL

P

OLITICALLY SPEAKING, education reform is one of the nation's hottest issues. Bipartisan consensus finally admits that America's schools need fixing, but the debate rages over how to make American education more competitive, especially with the onset of the global economy.

Education reform is not taking place in Washington, but in the states, and no state leads the fight for education reform more strongly than Michigan. Just three years ago, Michigan's charter school legislation passed, and since then more than 100 charter schools are now operating. The success behind this phenomenon is largely due to the foundation behind the concept: Choice. By incorporating choice and its consequences, namely competition, Michigan is creating a new foundation for education; a foundation that forces teachers to perform at their best, and administrators to offer unique benefits to students. Additionally, the choice ofcharter school creates ardent dedication on the part of parents and students. The free market values that drive the charter movement is exactly the reason behind its success.

A charter school or public school academy is a public school that provides teaching and learning. Yet often, there is a twist. Like any other traditonal public school, a charter school is ac~ountable to all state and local guidelines, but many charter school exceed the minmimun requirements and offer specialized features, such as an emphaisis on science and math, or creative arts. There is no slection process, and they receieve state funding .

But charter schools are innovative, not only for their {lpproach to education but ~so because they are free from the constraints and problems that traditional public schools encounter. The school boards do not dictate curriculm to charter schools, nor do charter schools have to deal with the teachers' unions.

The Process Becoming a charter school in Michigan is an extensive process.

There are four bodies that act as authorizing agents for charter schools, which include public universities, community colleges, local school boards and intermediate school boards. This legislative provision is unique to Michigan. One can attribute the explosion in charter growth to the unfettered, objective

decisions that the public universities make when deciding to grant charter status.

"That provision is the reason I came to Michigan," said Mike Farley, Director ifTraverse Bay Community School.

"School boards are not going to authorize schools that will create competition for them and take away their students."

Indeed, few school boards have actively sought charter status for a school in their district. Bay Arenac Community School in Bay Arenac County, Michigan was a former alternative high school whose funding was severely limited. Rather than cut staff, forcing a shut down, the intermediate school district granted the school a charter under which it has been operating for the past two years. ~ery little has changed," says director Shelly Kennedy. "We have more money, but we also have more paper work."

Teachers and administrators are accountable to their authorizing agent, the state board of education, and their school districts, resulting in a huge amount of paper work.

Often time the tradeoffis more work.

Teachers may work longer hours, receive fewer benefits, and work for less money. To prepare for a new school year, many teachers work during the summer months.

Kennedy notes that while more money is available, they have to spend more time filling out reports on their progress, making sure that students are performing, and report to both state regulators and the School Board.

Michigan also allows for the conversion of a private school to charter status. 15 schools converted to charters. The teachers admit few things ' . ' .'

"

.}

have changed in their situations. The over flow of student wanting to attend where they could not before, due to the cost of tuition, encourages teachers. The money is now available and teachers still teach on the basis of what brought them to private schools in the first place; less bureaucracy, more autonomy in the class room.

"The Model School" The Michigan model of education reform paints an optimistic future for the rest of the country. Already the model has been copied and researched by everyone from the Department of Education to non-profit think tanks.

The Hudson Institute released a 2 year comprehensive study heralding charters school as a model for education reform. Parents and children are overwhelmingly satisfied with th~¡ performance of the charter schools, while teachers enjoy the opportunity to 'do what they love with less bureaucracy ana more autonomy.

More surprising, the u.S. Department of Education released its first study of charter school in May, revealing the much the same results.

Moreover, the study revealed that Michigan's charter school are among the most diverse and intergrated in the country.

The most successful charters school seem to be the schools with a business background: schools run by private corporations, people with business experience, or schools that convert to charter status, says Dr. Ormand Hook, director of the charter school office at the Central Michigan University, which granted more than half of Michigan's charters.

Though charter schools receive state funds for day-to-day operations, many charter schools must provide capital for start-up costs including building purchases and initial purchases of resources and equipment.

Schools that have a jump in this arena, like converted schools, or schools that have financial backing, are likely to survive the financial crunches that proceed the cushion of the state funding.

The newest phenomenon in charter schools and education in general is the surge of for-profit companies operating charter schools. Companies like the Edison Project operate

charter schools as businesses, which results in complete accountability in spending and efficiency in the management of the school. Jim Goenner of the Michigan Association of Public School Academies contends that free market principles will make public schools better.

Indeed, it is already happening.

Wayne Vasher, the director of the charter school office in Saginaw Valley State University maintains that in places where charter school provide direct competition to the traditional public schools, competition is at its peak.

"One (charter) school, Mosaic, opened in a school district where 80 kids were in walking distance. 70 students signed up (to attend the charter school) and the superintendent called each family and asked if there was anything she could do to make them stay (in the local public school). Ifmore superintendents had that attitude, we wouldn't open many charter schools." Vasher contends anecdotes like this are the positive consequences occurring in the traditional public school affected by the growth of charter schools. "Its helping other (traditional public) schools look at themselves and clean up their acts."

A Growing Necessity The profound success that charter schools experience proves the charter school movement is essential to public education. First, charter schools introduce a profound ingredient to the success of every American endeavor: competition. Indeed, the choice which charter school provide parents who cannot afford private schools is invaluable. The newly found competition between the traditional public schools and these public school academies forces current administrators in the public schools to re-evaluate their approaches and offer something new to students. The impact has already been felt. The mere explosion in the growth ofcharter schools in the four years they have been in existence evidences that fact.

Moreover, the waitlists that occupy almost every charter school in Michigan further evidences the fact that parents and students seek alternatives; especially those who cannot afford the costs of a private education. These are the types of families that benefit the most from charter schools.

CONTINUED on PAGE 19

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13

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

December 10, 1997

o Hoops Du JOUR .~;

U-M Hoops Off to ·5-1 Start BY

ANDREW

GoLDING

A

FTER OPENING THE SEAson with a disappointing loss to Western Michigan, the Michigan men's basketball team has rebounded well, winning five straight contests entering this week's games against Bradley, Eastern Michigan, and lastly Duke on December 13, the first ranked opponent U-M will face this year.

In the most recent showing on December 6 against UNLV, U-M put in their best performance of the season, trouncing the Runnin' Rebels 8359. Robbie Reid, who entered the game with 27 points in five games, scored 17, inc]udingfive three-pointers. Robert Traylor added 17 points and 9 rebounds, as U-M used a balanced scoring attack to march to the convincing victory.

All five starters scored in double figures, including the foul-plagued Maceo Baston and Jerod Ward. Beset by injuries in his first two seasons, Ward has played well this season, averaging 12.2 ppg and 5.2 rebounds per game at the small forward position, where he shares time with impressive freshman Brandon Smith.Ward played just 21 minutes against UNLV due to foul trouble, and in fact leads the team in personal fouls, averaging 3.5 per game. Nevertheless, he is off to the best start of his career, punctuated by a 14 point, 9 rebound, 4 steal performance against

Cleveland State on November 19.

"That's me. If you want to call it the new me - OK," he said in post-game remarks. "That's something you can expect to see through the season, and

1997·98, his final year at U-M. it's only going to get better."

Baston is leading the team in scoring at 15.3 per game, though he was in foul trouble versus UNLV and limited to 18 minutes and 10 points.

Baston has shown flashes of a face-up jump shot, and has improved his backto-the basket moves, particularly when he is situated on the left block and turns toward the middle. That said, Baston still has difficulty when double-teamed, especially when smaller players reach for the ball.

Against UNLV, he was stripped three times while in the paint area, and

had four turnovers total, giving him the title ofteam turnover leader along with Traylor at 4.0 per game.

Traylor has been an imposing and forceful presence in the paint, which comes naturally when you are 6'8" and listed at 300 pounds.

The "Tractor" is big, effectively controlling the inside and hindering opponent's ability to score easy baskets. On the offensive end, Traylor has been inconsistent; he scored nine points against the University of Detroit in a November 30 contest, and 17 against UNLV. In the UD game, senior guard Travis Conlan returned to action after fracturing his right wrist diving for a loose ball in an exhibition game with Athletes in Action on November 3.

Conlan is playing with the wrist heavily taped, which has obviously hindered his shooting ability.

He has scored 5 points in 3 games on 16% shooting, and looked hesitant tg. ~, handle the ball with his right hand against UNLV. The team has played decently through six games of the season, and faces a solid test with #1 Duke looming on the horizon. After the UNLV win though, spirits were up.

"If we can put everything together, there's not a team in the country we can't beat" said Reid. "We are just starting to tap into our potential." Mt

5 Questions with David Wood BY

ANDREW GOLDING

In an interview conducted in the IFELONG NBA JOURNEYMicrugan Union Ballroom - after the man David Wood is now playteam's post-game meeting with feling with Athletes In Action, a low Crusade for Christ devotees, and religious organization which travels victory over U-M - Wood spoke with the country spreading the - - - - - - - the Review's Andrew word of Christ. A favorite of Golding. theNBA'smostdevoutfans; Wood has played on five difHis high school basferent NBA teams - he is the ketball memories: "I was only player to play on all 6'1", 124 pounds when I three Texas teams - and last was in high school. My last saw action with the Milwauname was Wood. They kee Bucks in 1996-1997, nicknamed me 'Splinter,' where he averaged 1.2 ppg 'Toothpick,' 'The Stick and 1.1 rpg in 46 appearances. This Man' - don't laugh - I didn't like that year, he was cut in training camp by one. It was a bummer being skinny." the Bucks and San Antonio Spurs.

His most memoraple moment in Wood is known for his scrappy, the NBA: "When I was with the Housphysical style of play, and frequent ton Rockets, we were playing the L.A altercations with opposing players, Clippers, and I got the ball with six most often Charles Barkley. seconds left. We were down by three,

L

lilt was a

bummer being skinny."

and I turned and shot a 40-footer that hit nothing but net. That was great."

His frequent battles / wrestling matches with Charles Barkley, WM once stated that "ifthe referees call the game right, there's no way David Wood can guard me. • "I fight like a cornered dog to keep him away from the basket. I bump him, chest him; he really gets frustrated and upset, and then he tries to clobber me. I am excellent at drawing attention from the referees when players like Charles are trying to clobber me."

On the key to drawing calls from officials: "The fact ofthe matter is, in basketball it doesn't matter if you get fouled or not, it's how it appeared to the official."

On Dennis Rodman: "I think Madonna taught him a few tricks about publicity." l\R

CLOCK CLARIFlCATION: After the University of Detroit's Brian Alexander slipped in for a layup to put UD up 5352 with 14.8 seconds remaining, Coach Brian Ellerbe immediately protested to the officials, arguing the clock operators allowed too much time to run off the clock. As a result, the officials reset the clock to 15.4. In the ensuing moments, Baston hit a last-second layup, which left 0.1 seconds on the clock.

Afterwards, several media outlets including ESPN and the Detroit Free Press incorrectly credited Ellerbe with a game-saving move. In reality, Ellerbe's protest, while a smart coaching tactic, had nothing to do with the outcome oftha game. Baston's shot was released with about 1.0 seconds on the game clock; no matter whether there were 15.4 or 14.8 seconds remaining, the shot would have . co~ted.

FREsHMAN REPORT: .Inlour particularly active first-half miIl1ites against WMU, 6'11" center Josh Asselin recorded a steal, hit one oftwo free throws after being fouled on a dtUlk attempt, scored the first basket of his college career on a nifty spin to the hoop, and took a charge by allowing a WMU player to run into his midsection. Asselin has played well, and put together a strong effort in a season-high 20 minutes against UNLV. He scored 8 poilJ.ts and collected 3 rebounds, and also kept several balls alive with deflections on rebound attempts. "Josh has emerged a little bit. It reflects on his practice work ethic," said Ellerbe.

Fellow rookie Brandon Smith has displayed great jumping ability and it nice outside shot. He scored only two points versus UNLV, but they were the most spectacular two of the game as Louis Bullock delivered a perfect alleyoop pass. Smith is averaging 5.0 ppg on 57 percent shooting.

OVERHEARD: "Forget that Jerod.

That's over." Ellerbe to Ward, immediately after the senior forward was called for a charging foul in the first half ofthe UNLV contest. Ward finished with 13 points and 7 rebounds in 21 minutes play.

WOODLINGS: Athletes InAction star David Wood was impressed with the play of Baston, Bullock, and Traylor, after competing against them in the first exhibition game of the season on November 3. "Baston will be the best pro among the three, and a great NBA player. He'll play small forward in the league, a la a Robert Horry,"Wood said.

"Bullock has the poise to play in the NBA, but sometimes the question with a guy like him is, sure he can do it with Michigan, but can he do it with another team? He's not a lock for the NBA, but he's got a great chance. Traylor is definitely a pro prospect, and one of the biggest guys I have ever seen. I don't think anyone in the NBA is as big as him."

- Andrew Golding ?

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Dave Barry Wows Again

BY RoB WOOD

InS MOST RECENT COLlection of Dave Barry's funniest syndicated columns, Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus, con-

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Dave Barry Is From Mars and Venus,

by Dave Barry Crown Books, $22.00 tinues the author's trend of causing his readers to die oflaugher-induced asphyxiation. Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer, and remains of that caliber throughout the book.

From the dedication on, the stories contained within never fail to entertain. Chapters such as "Gobble, Gobble, Eeeeeeeeek!," regarding the glue-ing of turkey rectums, and "Don't Know Much About History," illustratRob Wood is the Sporn Editor of the Review. A senior majoring in aerospace engineering. Rob is pretty sure that. unlike Dave Barry. he is from Earth.

ing how to successfully B.S. your way through an LS&A History exam (it really does work -Ed.), are actual attempts by Mr. Barry to commit homicide though the method mentioned in the first paragraph.

In "Gobble ... ," Barry describes the owner of a super glue production company, Jim Munn, who tried to capitalize on a tip that a federal health inspector relayed to him: that gluing the rectums of Thanksgiving turkeys shut could decrease the possibility of salmonella poisoning. This fine, enterprising businessman "plans to market the product under the name get ready - 'Rectite. m "Don't Know Much ... " demonstrates Barry's test-taking methodology. "'The Monroe Doctrine is, without a doubt, one of the most important and famous historical doctrines ever to be set forth in doctrine form ... For when we truly understand the intent of a doctrine such as the Monroe Doctrine, or for that matter any other doctrine, only then can we truly know exactly what that doctrine was intended to accomplish as far as doctrinal intention is concerned... ,' See what

I mean, young people? Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic, without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism."

The chapter entitled "Losing Face" relates a bit more to the fun one can have when encountering severe physi-

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cal pain. Dave was schnookered into participating in a variation of laser tag with his son, Rob. Being in a darkened maze, around a comer from his son, Barry foresaw two options.

Unfortunately for him, he chose the option involving darting around the corner with his gun protected from "tagging," but with his face in front.

His son had surmised the same options and had jumped around the corner at the same time, but with his gun out in front. Dave ended up taking Rob's gun barrel to his eyeball, going down in agonizing pain, and getting taken to the ER at the local hospital.

Each "chapter," of course, is one of Dave's weekly columns and lasts about the length of a good five-minute chat with Mr. Barry. This is a great book from which to read snippets during bus rides to North Campus, or during a quick breakfast before class.

Barry has another winner, and this has already been evidenced by the book's stay on the best-seller list It is definitely a great "light reading" collection, and something to pick up at the airport on your way home for the 'Semester break. Mt

Wood-Man's Top Sports Flicks

BY RoB WOOD

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HEN CHOOSING MY favorite five sports movies in the history of film, many factors were taken into account. 'Ibe film's stars were gauged as to how well they portrayed their roles. The opinions of numerous critics were taken into consideration, along with the level of widespread critical acclaim each film received. '!he number of Academy Awards for which each film was nominated and won was recorded and factored.into my formula.

All these factors were examined in great detail, and then completely discredited as utter nonsense. I picked the movies I enjoyed and went out and bought to watch an infinite number of times with my friends (while drinking, preferably). And so, without further ado: 5) Like many other eeniOl"8 here at U-M, I am a Bicentennial Baby, born in 1976. Can anyone name the film that won the Oscar for Best Picture that year? That's right: Rocky.

Now I know what you're thinking: "He just said that Academy Awards didn't mean equatto.him in the last paragni~~ . .bftek:.\u ,,~o., it",

seems that the Academy actually exhibited a modicum oftast.e. Granted,

the Italian Stallion, Rocky Balboa, didn't exactly come off as the next Einstein, but he sure had a classic strategy for boxing. Using your body as a punching bag and getting hit in the face until your eyes swell shut and your brain is oozing out your ears is good! It tires out the opposition, so you can move in for the kill. Of course, it didn't exactly work the way Burgess Meredith planned in Rocky's first fight with Apollo Creed, but it sure did in the next three installments.

Either way, hearing Stallone's "Adrierumnnnnel" still makes me want to drink..

4) When discussing great baseball films, pictures like The Natural, Field of Dreams, and occasionally the humorous Bull Durham are brought up. These are all fine, heartwarming films, geared for a mature audience.

I, however, prefer my number-four pick: Major League. Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, and Bob Uecker make this film a beer-call classic for the ages. I never liked the Cleveland Indians so much. This flick, about the owner of the team who brings in a bunch of zeroes to secure a losing season so that she can move the team to 'Miami, has the Jdnd. of fun one · wishes real baseball could enjoy.

Maybe that is why movies about base-

ball are so popular; because watching the actual game is "jusssssst a bit outside" the average American's tolerance for sitting in one place 80 long.

S) Recently, a completely tasteless, classless, immature movie about a hockey-pro-wannabe-turned-pro golfer came out and I absolutely LOVE it. The number-three film in my little countdown is ... Happy Gilmore. Two lines are all that are needed to illustrate this film's true greatness: "Suck my white [derriere], ball!" and "You eat pieces of [dung] for breakfast?"

What other great American picture can claim to have belly-laugh dialog of this quality? This film is yet another great drinking-buddy flick, as well. Definitely a must-own.

2) Second in my list of the greatest sports movies ever is that old masterpiece with Paul Newman and the Three Brothers Hanson: Slap Shot. Newman is a m.anagerlplayerof the minor league Charlestown Chiefs hockey team. When he finds out that the team will probably disband following the current season, he decides to do something about it. Enter: the Hansons. When someone on a hockey team decks an opposing team's player during the p:re~l;l1lle wl:ll'Dl-up~ . 9r ". the phrase "old-time hockey" is heaTIl, it's either in this film, or at the Joe .

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Louis Arena during a Red WmgslAvalanche match-up. Either way, chances are you'll end up on the ground laughing, while sharing a beer with another happy drinking buddy.

1) The only thing making this next film the All-Time Best Sports Movie Ever is a man by the name of Bill Murray. That's right, I'm referring to the one, the only (thank God) ... Caddyshack. This flick is the end-all be-all of sports movies. Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Rodney Dangerfield in the same moviel Back during my freshman year, my roommates and I even had an audio portion of this movie as our answering machine message. I still during football games yell "NOONAN!" as an opposing team's place kicker goes for a field goal. This movie would be at the top of my list, even if I was still a minor (and I never drank back then).

If you don't own any of the movies of the five I have listed, and you can only afford one, being the poor college student you are, buy this one. Just remember: "The only good varmint poon-tang is dead varmint poontang." Mt . ., , '"

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Conservatism 'Rises From the Ashes BY

MAl"I'HEW BucKLEY

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ODFREY HODGSON, IT seems, is an "ideas man." For conservatives reading his new book, The World Turned Right Side Up, this has contlictingconsequences.

Hodgson aims to provide an account

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The World Turned Right Side Up: A History of the Conservative Ascendancy

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In AmerIca

by Godfrey Hodgson Houghton Mifflin, $13.00

ofhow current conservatism emerged from its New Deal malaise, and his account of how ideas, and popular response to them, led to the rise of conservatism is appealing. No doubt conservatives enjoy the idea that their current gains lie in an intellectual culmination of sorts. Yet Hodgson's premise also illustrates the seeds of modern conservatism's problems.

Apparent in this insightful commentary is the claim that conservatism is many different ideas, and that the unity which has held them together for so long is threatening to unravel.

Anyone who finds the current state of University campus conservatism bleak needs to hear stories of New Deal conservatism. After the laissez-faire policies of Hoover mixed with protectionism to cause the Great Depression, Roosevelt's New Deal went a long way toward affirming a government role in the economy. Many Republicans fell into a "me-too" philosophy advocating government regulation, while conservatives resisting these advances were divided and sullen.

Hodgson's book is the story of various forces uniting and coming to dominate the contemporary Republican party. Beginning in the 1950s, Hodgson shows how disparate ideas came together. The 1950s featured wide and broad splits amongst the various participants in today's GOP; their one shared feature was profound anticommunism. While current opinion toward Joe McCarthy and his witch-hunts is profoundly negative, such opinions were hardly unanimously opposed in the Fifties - even after McCarthy's downfall. Figures like William F. Buckley capitalized on the nation's anticommunist trend, beginning the right's slow shift towards ideas which found chords of sentiment amongst the public. Magazines like National Review showcased this opposition, and provided a lightningrod for sentiment notjust against O=.UP_.batbi8~.....

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These antieommwiist strands

were bolstered by a rising movement Hodgson claims that Christian conservatives received little support from of "neoconservatives," public policy experts who questioned the left's prothe Reagan administration, while posed solutions for social problems.

Reagan's vast expansion of governBeginningwithjournals like The Pubment spending destroys the idea of lic Interest, this neoconservative movehim as a paragon of conservative economic virtue. Difficult as this critique ment was important for conservatives in two ways. The movement provided will be on the ears of Reagan officials intellectual firepower for conservaand advisors, it is hard to prove Hodgson's assessment wrong. tives; these were learned scholars, in fields typically dominated by the left, Hodgson is a ' talented writer.

While the book is relatively brief for espousing a new set of ideas. Many neoconservatives had previous leftist the subject matter, he does an admirable job of condensing forty years of credentials; they knew of leftist philosophies from a personal perspecAmerican political history. This could tive, and their switch rightward was a easily have been a much longer book, bragging point ofother conservatives. as the size and scope of his bibliograOther groups developed conserphy show. Yet this book does not lag. vative attitudes Mixing commonover time, often sense explanashifting to Repubtions ofimportant lican loyalties as ideas with occaTHE WORLD TURNED well. As Supreme sional sketches of Court decisions major conservaRIGHT SIDE UP threatened the tive figures, ability ofreligious Hodgson deals evangelicals to with oft-weighty ~ -~ exercise their persubject matter loMtsf'rWII .â&#x20AC;˘ â&#x20AC;˘ ceived freedoms, with ease. .... """*''nIIIa This style~ they moved in mixes with' an imlarge numbers to partiality that is supportconservaalso refreshing. It tism. Conservais not hard to find tism was natuaccounts of rally appealing to conservatism's these Christian American history believers, since that seem too lauBuckley (and othdatory of various ers) had long arparticipants. gued that a reliHodgson, while giously-principled expressing clear society was imporopinions, is no oblivious cheerleader tant to their notions of a minimal for conservatism and its strands. He state. Southern Democrats, upset by notes the tremendous overlap between the Brown v. Board of Education deconservatives and racists in the postcision, also grew closer and closer to Brown v. Board of Education South. the Republicans over time. Hodgson He points out that income inequality notes that these same Southern Demounder the Reagan-Bush era accelercrats nearly crossed over into the Reated, as well as placing no small blame publican ranks in the mid-1970s, yet on Reagan for failing to cut governheld up at the figurative last minute ment spending. While Hodgson seems when Watergate emerged to rock the very sympathetic to many conservaNixon Presidency. tive ideas, he is no zealot.

The last chapters ofthe book exNoting conservatism's various amine the "Reagan Revolution," which past flaws, Hodgson also has some many conservatives claim to be definthings to say about conservatism's ing victory of their cause. Hodgson current problems. Developed as very does a neat and tidy job of examining differentideas united under one guise, what the Reagan and Bush years acconservatism is thus a mongrel of tually saw, and what conservatives competing ideals. Given the end of really accomplished. While giving the Cold War, however, the major Reagan much credit for foreign policy unifying issue of anticommunism is achievements, Hodgson also provides gone. Hodgson is clearly right that evidence of how Reagan was in many the resulting conservative movement ways not a victory for conservatives.

Reagan, he claims, paid lots of lip , is not a "consensus." With divisions between neocon8ervative8 and IIerVice to both evugeIicaIa and 'free. paleoconaervatives on one hancl, and market COftIerV1ltiVe8, yet undercut between "traditionalists" and liberthem both during his administration.

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tarians on the other, it seems that if conservatism will survive as a guiding force in American politics, another period of unifying will be crucial.

Yet in some respects, the relative success of conservatism will make such unity difficult. Hodgson notes how much of the contemporary debate has clearly moved rightward; positions once viewed as too conservative for modern consumption have now becollle routine, or even passe.

Yet this conservatism, as Hodgson argues, is in many respects a reaction against the excesses of liberalism.

Yes, there are those willing to support large amounts of government regulation over private affairs. Yet even Democrats are moving rightward, and "New Democrats" like President Clinton are proving remarkably adept at taking back America's political center.

They have done this by moving right, becoming more conservative to fit the national mood. IfconservatiSm has succeeded by being a reaction to liberalism, then further success requires anew plan ofattack. Instead of continuing to be reactive, conservatives must be active. Recent Republican floundering in Washington shows how Republicans have been unable to find a consistent, positive plan.

Conservative's aforementioned splits are becoming deeper and deeper.

Where does Hodgson's excellent book fit into this? I suspect readers will learn two lessons, both essential.

The first is that present difficulties mask some incredible successes, which emerged under much adversity. In forty years, a diverse group of people and interests combined to fundamentally shift attitudes surrounding American politics. While fundamental deep policy changes may have been rare, conservatism's ability to get this far indicates it should have the strength to accomplish further goals in the future.

More importantly, Hodgson shows that ideas truly matter, and that conservatives are adept at playingthe game. While conservatism may face current problems in responding to the left's Machiavellian shift rightward, it is ultimately a sign that conservative ideas resonate. If conservatives stick to them in a principled fashion, over time benefits will emerge. In contrast, if conservatives fail to articulate and bolster their ideas, the consequences will be dire indeed ... and while conservatism has cIept.ba before., why ebouW we 10 1hrouh it again?Mt

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Shaken or Stirred: the Martini

J. CARNACcmO

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HE MARTINI. THE KING of cocktails. Ambrosia.

Bogie and Bacall in a glass.

Sophistication and style with a side of olives. More than just a mere drink. As author William Grimes put it, "For the true martini believer, the combination of gin, vermouth, and olive is the Holy Trinity." During the cocktail hour, we

The Martini Companion: A Connoisseur's Guide

by Gary and Mardee Haidin Regan Running Press shall all find salvation.

The Martini harkens back to a time when the man behind the bar was a doctor of mixology as opposed to some monkey who can pull a tap. The only music to be heard in your favorite watering hole was the gentle rhythm of the cocktail shaker coupled with some cooljazz and not the annoying sounds of

synthesized music coupled with an obnoxious DJ. It was an era when women were women and men wore hats (not dirty white baseball caps either.) Sinatra was still doing it his way and you could smoke anywhere you damn well pleased.

The 1990s have witnessed a revival of the classic cocktail as many Baby Boomers and Generation X-ers are searching for something more refined than Budweiser and Boone's Farm Wine. As with all revivals these days, there comes a flood of books on the subject. The latest tome paying homage to the current Martini madness is entitled The Martini Companion: A Connoisseur's Guide , penned

by Gary Regan and Mardee Haidin Regan. The book traces all facets of the Martini from its mixing and ingredients to its historical origins and modem recipes.

The first few chapters are devoted to the "art" and history of the Martini.

The "art" of the Martini consists of a discussion of the pros and cons of shakingvs. stirring, gin vs. vermouth, proper garnishes, and the sacred chalice from which the holy elixir is im-

bibed: the V-shaped cocktail glass.

The last chapter of the book is The history consists of a recountdevoted to various Martini recipes ing of the cocktail's controversial orithat range from the traditional to gins. Some say it was created in 1910 nouveau. Being a gin purist, this reby head bartender Martini di Arma di viewer found the section to be nothing Taggia, of New York's famous other than heretical. A true Martini Knickerbocker Hotel, for oil magnate should be composed of nothing other John D. Rockefeller. Others claim that than gin (or vodka, out of respect for it was created in 1849 for a gold miner James Bond) and vermouth. The only at a bar in Martinez, California. There acceptable garnishes should be either are numerous other claims, but all of olives, lemon peels, or pearl onions. the Martini's origins are indefinite Many of these mutations call for and hotly contested by barroom theomain ingredients such as brandy, logians. sambuca, and flavored vodkas, and After having read many volumes garnishes such as coffee beans, chili peppers, and blackberries. While these on this most sacred of subjects, what drinks can be called cocktails, they most impressed this reviewer was the are not Martinis but rather pretendextremely thorough description ofwell over 50 different brands ofgin, vodka, ers to the throne. But until the Marand vermouth. The authors give a tini Inquisition, this heresy will have general history ofeach liquor followed to be tolerated; for now.

All in all, this book is an excellent by a catalogue of all major premium brands on the market. This catalogue new bible to the cult of the Martini despite its heresies. Whether you're a includes a briefhistory ofthe brand, a fresh livered novice or a gin soaked description of its production, and the authors' tasting notes. While the old pro, this guide has something to offer everyone. Stagger "Over to your tastings are a highly subjective matter and really should be left to the nearest bookstore and pick up a copy individual drinker, they do serve as a today. After you have finished your "."~"~ cocktail of course. Mt decent guide to novices.

Sinatra Still Does it His Way BY

C. J. CARNACcmO

HATTHEHELLHASHAPpened to men? Ever since feminists declared war on the penocrity, many men have lost their bearings in society. Many, in rebellion, became beer can-erushing, fratboy types. Others totally surrendered and became overly sensitive, effeminate wimps. The majority of men wander the gender desert as refugees of the battle of the sexes which, by the way, we lost. We need a leader.

A man who is larger than life. Someone who did it his way. We need Frank Sinatra.

In Esquire writer Bill Zehme's new book The Way You Wear Your Hat: Frank Sinatra and the Lost Art ofLivin', Frank comes down from the mountain, like Moses from Sinai, to lay down his commandments of coolness. Why did Zehme write this book?

He writes, "Men had gone soft and needed help, needed a Leader, need Frank Sinatra. I wanted to ask him the essential questions, the kind that could save a guy's life. I wanted what might approximate Frank's rules of order." Why did Frank do it? "I think my real ambition is to pass on to others what I know. It took me a long,

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long time to learn what I now know, and I don't want that to die with me.

I'd like to pass that on to younger people."

What sets this book apart from other biographical accounts is the incrediblyminutely-detailed account of Frank's everyday life. The reader gets a sense of what makes the Chairman of the Board tick. The majority of the book is culled from a fax relationship Zehme and Sinatra shared. The rest is taken from interviews with Frank's intimates and family. From all this, Zehme details Frank's views on life, love, style, friendship, and the neverending quest for ring-a-ding-ding.

Here is a sampling ofFrank's wisdom: ON BOOZE: "Martinis were to be taken seriously and made perfectly dry. Once, in 1949, he slugged a belligerent bartender who told him, 'If you want it so special, mix it yourself.'" And what does Frank think of men drinking white wine? "I don't drink that sissy stuff, for Christ's sakel" Frank prefers Jack Daniel's.

ON MANNERS: "I notice today that good manners - like standing up when a woman enters the room ... letting her enter the elevator first, taking her arm to cross the street -

",-,,,,

are sometimes considered unnecessary throwbacks. These are habits I could never break, nor would I want to ... no woman is offended by politeness."

ON SMOKING: "How does a smoker prevail in a world of nonsmokers? 'Tell'em, you die your way, I'll die mine.'"

ON STYLE: "I am a symmetrical man, almost to a fault. I demand everythinginitsplace.Myc1othingmust hang just so."

ON BROADS: "I'm supposed to a have a Ph.D. on the subject of women.

But the truth is I've flunked more often than not. I'm very fond ofwomen.

I admire them. But like all men, I don't understand them."

Flanked by the legendary Rat Pack - consisting of Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, and Joey Bishop - Frank made the world his personal playground. The men that surrounded him strove to emulate his style and largesse. Women wanted him and men wanted to be him. Frank was "a nucleus among men - his men especially - he lent out the hubris, covered every ass, cleared the forest, rigged the tempo, made the rules."

Frank lived life on his own terms,

which now considered selfish. But selfish is the last thing Frank was. His generosity and loyalty toward his friends and even complete strangers was unparalleled. Once actor George Raft found himself owing the IRS $80, 000 in back taxes. Without even blinking, Sinatra gave him a blank check. In most cases, his altruistic deedswere anonymous: the true mark ofcharity. Pope Paul VI told Sinatra's mother, who was visiting Rome, that her son was very close to God because he did His work and did not talk about it.

No man ever lived life more stylishly or confidently than Frank Sinatra. This legacy of his wisdom is the best gift Frank could leave this younger generation of men who seem hopelessly lost. Frank's best advice: "You've got to love livin', baby, because dyin' is a pain in the ass!" To praise the book in Rat Pack-speak: For all you Harveys and Bunters out there, this clyde is your guaranteed ticket out of dullsville. Follow the Leader's rules and you11 be gasser ready for some ring-a-ding-ding and if you're lucky, a little hey-hey.Mt

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EEKING RELIEF FROM THE end-of-term onslaught of stress, students .filled the Michigan Theater Saturday night to watch their peen perform. The Friars, along with 68 Greene and the U-M Dance Team, dazzled the crowd with surprisingly entertaining and talented performances. '!be Friars are an a ooppella group composed this year of eight men the "most eligible men on campus," according to Univenity lore. The group supplements their talented singing with crowd-pleasing props, dancing. and kooky acting. '!be crowd favorites Saturday night included the "Masochism Tangon and a particularly moving rendition of James Taylor's "Carolina," along with a number of other fun tunes that took our minds off oflooming finals. 'l1le Friars are also popular for their hilarious antics, and this performance was Kristina Curkovic is a Senior majoring in English and Linguistics and is the Arts Editor of the Review. She only sings in the shower.

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no exception. It included a striptease act, the throwing oflarge, autographed briefs into the crowd, and very fwmy choreography to accent hilarious songs.

While The Friars were the mainstay of the show, the increasingly popular a cappella group 58 Greene provided a few impressive renditions of popular songs. Especially impressive was the soloist during the performance of Jewel's "Foolish Game." 'l1le evening was actually introduced by the U-M Dance Team, an uninspiring CQIlection ofwomen whose performance was less-than--exciting.

While they could have tried out for Star Search, the group resembled a high school cheerleading squad instead of a heart-pounding dance troupe.

Still, the most anticipated feature of the evening was far from disappointing. Who knew that watching one's classmates could be such a treat? The Friars won the crowd yet again with their talent and antics.

Always an entertaining group, The Friars are consistently a treat - with or without finals. Ml

Harry Goes Romantic diversity in To See You. The greatest feature of Connick's ARRY CONNICK JR'S LATearlier works (especially We Are in est release, Star Turtle, was Love and his solo releases 20 and 25) so weird and disappointing was the variety that he provided that I didn't even bother to buy it. through a compilation of very differHarry apparently likes to experiment ent songs: slow and fast, his own erewith different styles, moving from his ations and old standards (from Cole jazz-trio sound in Lofty's Roach Porter and Genhwin, for example), Souftk to the big band of We Are in and always catchy tunes and lyrics.

Love to the funk of She and Star To See You has ten songs, one after Turtle. For Harry's long-term fans, the other, all full of soft strings and an the last two were a little disappointoccasional improv solo on the piano ing, especially compared to his very

by Harry. One yearns for the unpresuccessful big band releases . dictable arrangments and blaring.

Connick's greatest talent lies in his horns of some ofHarry's earlier songs, jazz sound, but his fondness for exlike "We Are in Loven and "Just Kiss perimentation and different genres Me." ha~ produced a couple of albums that To See You does have its strong just aren't up to par with his real hits. points, especially if one is looking for Fortunately, he has returned to an all-out evening of slow-paced rothe classy sound ofjazz with his newmance. But the thing is, romance isn't est release, To See You (Columbia), a all gentle strings and hUshed voices.

Sometimes it is a fast tempo, screamcollection of love ballads. His piano and vocals are supported by not only ing trumpets, unexpected drum pops, and the like. Even though his return a jazz quartet, but also a full-fledged orchestra; a combination that proto a classy sound is welcomed, IJanYs .. vides a lot of gentle, romantic music. best bet is still his upbeat big band In fact, all of the songs are gentle, ~".' sound. Big Band Harry, please come romantic music. 'l1lere isn't a lot of back. Ml

BY KRISTINA CuRxOVIC

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J:J Music BY

Deck the Halls with,Concerts

CHRIS HAYES

ELL,THESEMESTERIS winding up and that heavy weight that has only increased in magnitude will soon be lifted offof your shoulders. Before you know it you will be sitting on the couch eating Cheesy Poofs, wondering what to do with your time. The lev!! of boredom you achieve may persuade you to do things that can be unhealthy to you -like going to bad concerts, obviously.

It is during this time of year that I actually feel a cloud of generosity hovering over me. So, because the holiday spirit gets the best of me, I will be your guardian angel and guide you to shows that should not be missed and deter you from the evils of the others. Plus, you have gifts to buy friends and music writers; you can't become broke from terrible shows. No need to thank me.

A repeat performer of last year, The Planet 96.3 is back with their Holiday Hootenanny on December 12th at the Palace of Auburn Hills.

This year's headliner is The Cure, supporting their latest release, which is a singles collection from the past ten years. Hopefully they will stick to playing th eir older tunes, since they haven't been able to write a ~olid tune for the past two albums. Other performers include Toad the Wet Sprocket , Duncan Sheik, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and Huffamoose. The Planet has singlehandedly succeeded in bringing the least exciting, as well as the most random, group of performers to one of the least exciting places to see a show.

As your divine adviser, I recommend staying clear of Hootenanny tickets - buy your sister some Designer Imposter perfume for the holidays instead.

Also on the 12th, the Wallflowers are playing Hill Auditorium .

Bringing Down the Horse is still on the Billboard Top 25 and their onslaught of singles have Target shoppers picking it up left and right. Played out as they may be, Jakob Dylan has an ability to write infectious melodies that has contributed to his success.

The show may not be a bad bet, given this season's alternatives.

Riding on the same tales as the Wallflowers, the Bare Naked La· dies play the Palace on New Year's Eve. Who thought that up? The last thing I would want to do is watch their quirky rock while midnight strikes. I would rather stay home and babysit my brothers - at leut my bnJtben are fbmaJ.

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taming than Chumbawamba. Just and Eve, is a brilliant album, combinthink ofthe crowd who will be thereing amazing singles as well as an truly timeless. entire piece of art that is no doubt one If you think that Detroit Rock of the best of the year. On top of that, City can't top that, you are sadly misthey are one of the most exciting and taken. One word ...Warrant. You read talented live bands you can see. This correctly. The stellar rockers who is the show to waste the money you brought us "Heaven" and "Cherry Pie" would otherwise spend on your are back to show that they are serious younger brother for Christmas. Your about rock. How can a hair band be brother will forgive you but you will serious about rock? They're artistic. kick yourself for missing this show.

Uh ... sure. Anyway, they are at There are a number of shows durHarpo's on the 20th. See 'em; I will ing the holiday season that you can respect you a lot. Please don't forget indulge in. I have only scratched the to see either Ted Nugent or Alice surface because I too have final exCooper for their own New Year's Eve ams. I too have shopping. I may be bashes. These guys aren't hard core your favorite music editor, but I am Detroit rockers for nothing. . not super-human. I do like presents, All right, you are probably tired of though. rvR my sarcasm by now. You may be asking, "Chris, what show should I go to?" Well, my loyal followers , there is one that I suggest you go to. In fact, cancel your eggnog party and go rock at this show. It will be the best one of the winter. The Catheline Wheel are back, after their early fall show at St. Andrew's Hall, to bring an encore performance at Clutch Cargo's on December 16. Their new release, Ada'!.7.~•...

Chumbawamba performs Saturday, December 13th at Clutch Cargo's in Pontiac. They have a hit single after trying for years to make it big in Europe. Finally they get a break. and smash onto the American charts.

They definitely put out a single, "Tubthumping," that plays on the popular mix of rock and electronic.

Beyond that, they don't have much to stand on . With a name like Chumbawamba and a title like Tubthumpers , everything else should make sense to you.

A few shows are coming up this month that are perfect for the eighties rocker in the best of us. I am shamed to announce that you missed Sebastian Boch ofSkid Row at Harpo's last week. I know it is hard to even think ofthe kick-ass show you missed, but there is a chance to redeem yourself. On December 13, Lisa Lisa of Cult Jam brilliance will light up the stage at the Motor Lounge in Hamtramck. She had some tunes back in the day, I'm sure she still is a rocker, but the absences of Cult Jam may be a problem. I promise you it will be a hundred times more enter-

The Stones Still Got It

BY CHRIS HAYES

I

AM GOING TO MAKE THIS short and sweet. I attended the Rolling Stones' Bridges to Babylon Tour when it hit the Silver Dome last Tuesday, December 2nd.

The next day I was informed that some incompetent writer made the statement "If you are wondering how Mick Jagger can still rock after thirty years ... He can't." After hearing that I wonder what is running through this writer's small mind.

I am not going to argue that the Rolling Stones are at the top of their game, because they are not. They are almost sixty, for God's sake. They are, however, legends in their own right. They have released thirty albums and Bridges to Babylon is a good album. Tell me another band who can do this today. Mick Jagger created stage presence as we know it.

Any artist who is exciting to watch no doubt has some Jagger in him. Keith The Stones B18 rock and roll.

Richards is the epitome of"RockStar."

The unkempt style, the drag dangling show. They did not look like they were running (a lot) with such energy and from his lower lip - he is a walking hitting sixty nor did they act like it. presence is something I will not forhangover. The Stones have set a path All those who complained about the get. Sure, I would trade in this show for what we consider rock and roll.

Stones' show, get your head fixed. to see them perform in the late SixTaking that away by saying Mick Also, tell me what ~oW8 you are go-ties, but I would not trade this show in can't rock is a shame. for much 1DOI'8. They put OIl a great to - they mat be amazing. SeeiDg IIick Jager winging ud

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.0 Music

MICHIGAN REVIEW LIVING CULTURE

19

1

Reload Has Empty Clip .iff

BY RoB WOOD

W

ITH THE RELEASE OF

ReLoad, the new album by Metallica, many Metallifans had hoped for a return to glory. The lingering aftertaste of Load was still .fresh in their mouths and that kind of weak, alternative sound made most pure metal fans nauseous. Unfortunately, while those thundering gods of "dinosaur rock" have return.ed to the genre of music that made them feared in the hearts of mortal men, they still seem to have lost a beat or two from the time when their lyrics could cover the land with darkness and their image evoked terror and mayhem in the world's collective consciousness.

Load introdu~ a new method of music-making by the band. '!he foursome produced the album in something of a reverse order. They wrote and recorded the instrumental music first, and then Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield would write the lyrics to fit the rhythm. of the songs. ReLoad continued the trend. Both albums were written during the same general time

period and it appears as though the best of these sessions was released on the first of the two. Load sold over four million copies, so the band and their record label, Elektra, decided to go ahead with the release of the rest of the material on another full-length album, The Crap Left Over ... er, ReLoad.

To be fair, the instrument--oriented portions of the music are electrifying. '!hey hit the listener's ear with all the brute force of a freight train and never let up. '!hat, of course, is part of the album's major downfall.

The music's juggernaut-like intensity just overwhelms Hetfield's attempts to keep up. It's like a Shennan tank with a nine-year-old at the wheel.

"Fuel," the CD's first track, exemplifies this image. It begins with a barrage of musical firepower so intense, it hits the listener like something physical. This musical pace remains constant, as Hetfield appears to struggle to find even meaningless lyrics such as, "Fuel is pumping engines. Burning hard, loose, and clean ... Churning my direction ... ," and the

like. know-it" attitlide. Wareh out for bands Integrating Marianne Faithfull such as Pantera and Megadeth, guys. '!hey might just put a Marcus Ray hit into "'The Memory Remains" gives the song a second dimension, but the allon you.

"Where the Wild Things Are" too-obvious lyrics "Fortune, fame.

Mirror vane. Gone insane ... " limit the (Does the earlier "nine-year-old" reftrack's effectiveness in establishing a erence ring a bell?) actually does contain a great deal of merit. Lyrics such point.

With "Devil's Dance," the band as "So wake up, sleepy one. It's time to again proves that they can musically save your· world. You're where the call upon the ire of the ancients, but wild things are. Toy soldiers off to Hetfield then ruins the song with the war," combined with a solid rhythm opening lines "Yeah, I feel you, too. and bass, give the song multiple levels of thought and proved that Feel. "those things you do." It is enough to make one cringe in embarrassment Metallica still has potential.

"Attitude," unfortunately, disfor the former point-man of a oncedominant force in the world of metal. plays the band'sslickster/altemativel "The Unforgiven II" can not even look!-we're-tough-guys sides. I~s hold its own, musically. It takes the neither intimidating nor more somber countenance of the original thought-provoking than any other and brings it into the realm of the song you might hear from the likes of seJ.l....it-all trash metal from the EightPoison or Motley Crue. ies. Talk about unforgivable.

"Fixxxer" rounds out a disturb"Better Than You," "Slither," ingly mediocre Metallica album. To "Carpe Diem Baby," and "Bad Seed" use the words "mediocre" and the all seem to come off as trash talk, a la name Metallica in one sentence used David Boston: loud, but shallow and to be sacrilege among all fans ofheavy unsupported by anything substantial. metal. Over the past two years, it has It seems the band has developed a disturbingly enough, become the "We're-the-best-and-you-a.1I"..--- nOrIn. Mt

Schools

YOUR ROOMMATES CONSTANTLY LISTEN TO THE SPICE GIRLS, HANSON, SUGAR RAY, AND PEOPLE WITH EVEN LESS TALENT.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 12 '!hough aitics would like many to believe that charter schools are substandard scllools, members of the education estabJisbment charge that charter school teachers are somewhat less qualified. However, charter school law demands that teachers meet all the necessary requirements for state certification. Teachers are state board certified and most have extensive experience, though the level and diversity of experience greatly depends on different schools.

And while some controversy erupted over one school where teachers were found not to be properly certified, these instances are few. Considering that the concept began less than a decade ago, most charter schools are operating with a high success rate. Of the more than 100 charter schools operating C'lU'l'eDtly in the state of Michigan, only three have closed.

Education will never improve until teachers, administrators, lawmakers, parents and students combine to do their share. Charter school encompass all of these aspects. Parents are satisfied, students are actuallyenjoying lea:ming. Ulacb.era enjoy the simple plealJ'\irelif1ttdOll'Udtiallyattracted tJi$m t,o,the,profe.ton, q,t' adn)ini~­ traton are finding themselves free

from the constraints of school district regulation and teacher unions. And during the next centUry, charter schools will be a necessary part of reforming schools. Mt

BACK IN THE FIFTIES, TillS WOULD HAVE REQUIRED PAINFUL AND EXPENSIVE TREATMENT INVOLVING BLUNT OBJECTS. BUT NO MORE! READ THE REVIEW'S MUSIC SECTION AND FORCE YOUR ROOMMATES TO LISTEN TO QUALITY, INTENSE MUSIC! The Michigan Review.

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