vol_15_no_5.1 by Michigan Review

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Volume 15, Number 5

December 11, 1996

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

Michigan Party Wins Election BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

HEMICmGANPARTYHAS once again emerged victorious from a Michigan Student Assembly (MSA) election. Winning eight seats, the dominant force in the Assembly has managed to once again come out on top of the heap, running roughshod over its partisan contenders. However, the Michigan Party did not do as well against independent candidates, as independent candidates won nine seats overall in this election; their rankB including such MSA veterans as Andy Schor and Barry Rosenberg. But even with the strong independent showing, the Michigan Party's victory still ensures that it will virtually control the Assembly. The other partisan contenders were, for the most part, utterly routed in the election. The Crush the Purple Dinosaur Party won four seats, but none of the other parties were successful in electing any representatives to the Assembly. While most of the parties had respectable showings, with a few representatives close to gaining a seat on the Assembly, the dominant Michigan Party continued to steamroll over its competition. The Michigan Party won the open seats in Business Administration, Kinesiology, and Public Health, while watching as 5 of its candidates swept to victory in the LSA race. The Crush the Purple Dinosaur Party won one seat in LSA, one in Engineering, (David Burden, former UMEC Engineering representative to MSA, won by the skin of his teeth, beating out Delano White of the UPC by three points) and two' seats in Rackham. Independents won Education, two Engineering seats, two LSA seats, Medicine, Music, one Rackham seat, and Social Work. On the LSA ballot, the candidate who received the most votes (out of 56

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candidates) was Michigan Party canfirst) receiving the most votes with didate Dan Serota, receiving 3,406 716 points. The Nihilists generally points. Following close behind were received around 500 to 700 points in independents Andy Schor and Barry LSA. Rosenberg, with 2,565 and 2,537 The Victors Party, running on a points respectively. Trailing, but still with very strong showings, were four . Michigan Party candidates, followed by the eighth place contender and Crush the Purple Dinosaur Party candidate Aphrodite Nikolovski, who received a total of 1501 points. "".. _ _ However, many other candidates came oh-so- ~ frustratingly close to vic- . =:;:'. ' ~ '.f' . .......,. ~.-'""'5..-:-, tory, and many new par.:.... _-=-~ ties fared relatively well in the elections. In the ColThe Michigan Party spins the cube of MSA politics. lege of LSA, Michigan Party representative Srinu Vourganti, platform promIsmg reform, did who had been running for re-election, slightly worse than the Nihilists, with ~. came in ninth place, losing his seat in party chair Nick Kirk receiving 678 the Assembly by a mere 50 points. points and gaining twenty-third place. The United People's Coalition also The other candidates received between 400 and 600 points. did well, with candidate Ozell Hayes The Liberty Party was dealt a coming in tenth place, with 1355 points. All of the UPC's candidates heavy blow in the election, generally received over 1000 points, with Nick faring worse than other parties. RunFarr and Cherise Walker placing fifning on a platform that stressed reteenth and sixteenth. The Slumber sponsible Assembly spending, volunParty had both of their candidates do tary MSA fees, and other reforms, the Liberty Party's top vote-getter was very well, with Ted Chen and Jon Kuo coming in thirteenth and fourteenth, thirty-third place candidate Elizabeth respectively. Keslacy, receiving 497 points, whereas The Students Party, once the main the rest ofthe candidates fared worse, opposition party in the Assembly, did receiving between 240 and 440 points. not fare as well, with their top voteIn the College of Engineering, the getter being former MSA presidential results of the balloting there were candidate Jonathan Freeman, who relatively different. The top vote getters in Engineering were two indereceived 964 points and placed seventeenth. Most Students' Party candipendent candidates, Mark Dub and dates fell in the middle of the pack, Jasmine Khambatta, with 513 and 491 points respectively. David Burreceiving around 600 points each. The Nihilist Party, running a den, Crush the Purple Dinosaur party strong campaign based primarily on candidate, followed with 287 points, cutting the fat in the Assembly, did while Delano White, UPC candidate, moderately well, with party chair was dealt a painful defeat, coming in Andrew Serowik (who placed twentyfourth with 284 points .

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Serpents Tooth

Another hilarious installment of Serpents Tooth along with Letters to the Editor.

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However, the UPC did generally well, all three candidates having quite respectable showings and placing fourth, fifth, and eighth out of a field of twenty-one candidates. Slumber Party candidate David Bogue finished sixth with 190 points. The Michigan Party did not do nearly as well in Engineering as it did in LSA, with its candidates placing seventh and twelth, and receiving a modest 163 and 119 points respectively. Again, the other four parties did not do as well. The Students, Victors, Nihilist, and Liberty Parties were all hurt again, with all their candidates except Victors Party candidate Adam Silver (who placed tenth) placing in the bottom half of the field . The Winter 1996 elections have brought a change to the partisan makeup of the Assembly. With the recent collapse ofthe Wolverine Party, the Assembly looks far different from this time one year ago. A total of 17 Independents (including former Wolverines) now fill the ranks ofthe Assembly. The Michigan Party has the next largest contingent by far, with a grand total ofl6 representatives. The Students Party has a mere 5 representatives on the Assembly. The Crush the Purple Dinosaur party, gaining four seats in this election, is the next largest, with the United People's Coalition only having two. The Liberty Party, which formerly held a Rackham seat until representative Douglas Friedman resigned from MSA in disgust, has none. The Nihilist Party, Slumber Party, and the Victors Party are also without representatives on the Assembly. Many of the candidates were not surprised by the results. David Burden, victorious candidate with the Crush the Purple Dinosaur Party, said, "I think it was an inevitability that there would be close races this Continued on page 5

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6 Roll Up For The 7 Lost the Mystery Tour Eighties™

A look at the relationship between the Presidency and lawsuits, and Clinton's broken promises.

Geoff takes you away to examine holiday shopping: It's just not Christmas without the torpedo launchers.

Ben goes on the warpath, attacking MSA, and warns you about becoming an idealist let it rot your brain.

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Music, and MORE Music

Show reviews, CD reviews, and good ways for you to avoid what sucks.

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December 11, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

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o FROM THE EDITOR' :.>

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "That drinking fountain is the servant of the devil!!!!!" EDITORIAL BOARD

REETINGS! WELCOME TO another issue ofthe Michigan Review. It was fourteen years ago this very month, in December 1982, that the very first issue of the Review was published and distributed on campus. Since that time, the Review has served to strive for the truth, and to offer an alternative point of view for the campus community. As I look back over this soon-to-be-past term, I see that the Review, while it has undergone many changes, still lives up to the spirit in which it was founded. We've received a lot of reader feedback, and for that, I thank all of you, and ask you to keep it coming! As we like to say, "Love us or hate us, write us." As we enter our fifteenth year of publication, it is my hope that we will not only stay the course, but also to continue expanding and improving. Our aim is to print the best journal we can - and we need you to let us know how we're doing. As we continue our quest to ex-

pand and improve, we are still, as you good luck on your finals, and offer always, looking to recruit new blood my congratulations to those of you and fresh faces. Whenever asked, I who will be graduating this term. I'd always tell people, "it's never too late also like to wish all of you Happy to join the Review." We're always lookHolidays, and a Happy New Year. If ing for staff writers, photographers, you're anything like me at all, you're future editors, and especially artists . looking forward to the three week and business staffmembers. If you're winter break, and the relaxation it interested in joining our band of affords. Even if you're not looking merry-makers, then by all means, forward to the litany of family intertake the time in January to stop by rogation into your future plans, you one of our staff meetings, or watch for can always find some way to escape to signs advertising our mass meeting, solitude and enjoy a couple weeks which will be held near the end of with no deadlines, no studying, no January. papers, and no lectures. That having As I write this, we're just about been said, enjoy your break - you've ready to wrap up another term of certainly earned it by now. See you all classes here at the U-M. Hopefully next month! you will find the Review an informative, relaxing, and entertaining study break. We have our usual line-up of news and commentary for you this time out, as well as our extra special Holiday pull-out section, featuring some Christmas carols, revised Review style. In closing, I'd like to wish all of

o ROVING PHOTOGRAPHER

by Reah Johnson

What's Your New Year's Resolution? Jen.Lillis L.S.A. Sophmore Major: Undecided "To avoid voice mail, pep to tablets, razor blades and everything else that reminds me of the crisping process. "

Matt Roelle Engineering Junior Major: Mech. Engineering "I am going to stop saying the same things over and being so redundant. " I:· .::,;;. -..... : :i~.

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: PUBLISHER: MANAGING EDITOR: CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: FEATURES EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR: EDITOR EMERITUS:

Geoff Brown Pat Eskew Benjamin Kepple Evan Knott Lisa Wagner Tom Jolliffe Mohan Krishnan

EDITORIAL STAFF ASSISTANT EDITOR: SPORTS EDITOR: MUSIC EDITOR: PHOTO EDITOR: WWWEDITOR:

Matt Buckley Mel Myers Chris Hayes Reah Johnson Mark West

STAFF WRITERS: Lee Bockhom, Simon Einspahr, EricGrinne/I, Elizabeth Keslaey, Nora Obringer, Charles Ottman, Drew Peters, Jade Rahmani, Maureen Sirhal, Jamie Smith, Adam Starr, Daniel Succarde, Nate Teisman, Josh Trapani, Miranda West, Curtis Zimmermann. EDITOR EMERITUS: James A. Roberts, II EDITOR-AT-LARGE: Geraldo Armando-Ruiz BUSINESS STAFF PUBLISHER & BUS. MGR.:

Pat Eskew

STAFF: Joe Lester, Scott Russel, Josh Stern The Michigan Reviewis an independent student-run jour". _~I of moderately conselVative and cMllibertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U-M, and have no respect for anyone who does. We're also getting extremely frightened about that thing in our refrigerator now. We think it has Evan. Help us. Please. By the way, contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-<leductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocably correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal, as well as burgers from Blimpy Burger (pret. quintw/cheddar, bacon, onions, mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, mayo, and pickles on an onion roll, please). Please address all advertising and subscription inquiries to: Publisher c/o the Michigan Review. Editorial And Business Offices: 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 EMAIL: MREV@umich.edu Tel. (313) 662-1909 Fax (313) 936-2505

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Tho Michigan RlIVlew i•• member 01 the Colleglale Network.

Radhika Aggarwal L.s.A. Sophmore Major: Undecided "My New Year's resolution is to not come up with any stupid quips for random people who ask me to. "

Sammy Sam Kirk L.S.A. Freshman Major: Undecided "This New Year is gonna be terrific! I'm gonna get another job to support my $800 a month phone-sex bill.

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The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 or email with subject "Letters to ,tile.Editor": mrev@l,Jmich.edu ,

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December 11, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o SERPENT'S TOOTH., Recently, College Republican member and outspoken conservative Jim Riske decried QUP member Ryan LaLonde as an unsafe blood donor due to his homosexuality. However, Red Cross officials today stated that Riske's own blood sample was unfit for the nation, as it was full of, among other things, "an icky brown sludge." In her ~ost recent Friday column, Daily columnist Katie Hutchins tearfully wrote that she had finished her last all-nighter. If that's the case, does this mean that we will be spared from any more of her columns? We've heard that when new U-M President Bollinger takes over, CFO Womack will be among many of the Powers That Be who shall depart. However, Maureen Hartford is likely to stay on her perch ofinquisition. Oh, goody. We lose the best bloody CFO this University ever had, and we get to keep the one person who goes out of her way to strip our civil liberties and rights.

Our Washington bureau has informed us that due to the resignations of most of Clinton's first term Cabinet, he now has a Cabinet that looks like America - none ofthem support him either.

Review Editor-at-Large Geraldo Armando-Ruiz was recovering nicely until he was kidnapped by irate editors at the Michigan Independent . Claiming that "We are the way of the future and have begun our glorious revolution against the Right-wing Evildoers!" the Independent then holed up in their office in the subbasement ofthe Perry Building. Managing Editor Benjamin Kepple was severely injured in the Review's rescue effort in an accident involving a pie plate, the boiler room, and a Taco Bell Chicken Fajita Wrap, whereas Editor-in-Chief Geoff Brown stated, "The Independent editors are a bunch of miscreants! Those meddling kids will give back Geraldo if they know what's good for them!" The Indepen- . dent had no reply.

Recently, former Clinton hired gun James Carville announced that he would embark upon a rigourous campaign to discredit independent counsel Kenneth Starr for right-wing partisan leanings in his investigation of numerous Clinton scandals. Terrific, we have a lunatic ex-marine who would sell his own mother and his credibility to the devil to get Bill Clinton elected, trying to trash a well respected former solicitor general of the United States . What was that about partisan leanings?

TOP TEN THINGS THE MICIDGAN INDEPENDENT WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

10. Enough lTD printing money so they can . ~ctually print on alternate Tuesdays . 9. An office that isn't in the sub路base路 ment ofthe Perry Building (where-ever that is.) 8. A permanent staff greater than six. 7. A revolutionary phrasebook containing trite phrases of little worth. 6. Section headings other than "Departments ." 5. A funny "Report Card." 4. Even more titles for one person on their staff to hold at the same time. 3. A distribution staff that will actu'ally deliver to the same places consistently. 2. Distribution stands of their very own, instead of putting their rag in a much better paper's stands.

As we all know, MSA spent $6,407 on miscellaneous office supplies last year. This grand sum of $6,407 could buy:

4,609 really cool PILOT pens. 20,002 postage stamps 457,650 sheets of high-grade Hammermill copy paper. 19,221,000 staples 12,814 computer disks 213,567. envelopes

and most of all ... 1. More than 500 readers.

(Qur best wishes to Anthony Scaglione, but as for the rest of you, you are in our 路 h t.. ... -- '-_____ sights.) ......________....J S ure, t h ey nee d t h e money. R Ig

o LEITERS TO THE EDITOR Y

OU STUPID S_TS, I condemn your paper and all associated with it to hell. It is obvious that this publication is simply a front for a .e xtremist right wing group. This group is trying to establish a dictatorship through prevention of education for the masses. Well, you've won this battle, but not the war. I'm on to you like the diverse colors on Skittles (this phrase is used because we all know that white on rice is an outdated phrase originated by the klan to oppress people of color.) You are clearly trying to lower my GPA by preventing me from doing my work, thus condemning me to a lifetime of indentured servitude while the few associated with your right wing group watch Rush Limbaugh and smoke cigars (These are of course provided to you by the tobacco companies in return for your souls.) On with the point of this letter. I was minding my own business, heading to the computer lab (I mean ResComp) in my dorm (again, sorry, Residence Hall) to type a paper when I saw that the new edition of your sorry excuse for a paper was out. Because of some morbid fascination with the excrement that composes this paper, I was forced to stop my work and read this piece of crap.-I-t-lWugh't路the 9~pr~8iOri-w,QWd . .

end there, but now it is 4:00 am and I am being forced to write this letter. First I have to read this excrement, then write what I think of it? In order to end the torture, I will tell you what I think. I love this paper. It is a refreshing and thought provoking alternative to the Daily, which is always trying to ram its PC liberal opinions down my throat (Not that I don't agree with some ofthem, but the way in which they are presented is often childish, to say the least). Ijust wish it came out more often. Thank you, and please keep up the good work. -CHRIS

LEJA

ENGINEERING SoPHOMORE

'M WRITING IN RESPONSE to a blurb in today's (i.e. Nov. 20th) Serpents Tooth. In it, you criticize the University's efforts to expand its services and programs, an issue that certainly seems well worth raising. I was disturbed, however, by the symbols you chose to support your satiric point. By linking the fictional Sapac Shakur and the Nuthin' But a Gangsta Party to groups supporting social programs and your comprehen_ siv:e; cradle . to grave, University

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traying an ambitious Michigan Review editor named Thirsty B. Howell, the 3d: a hard-drinking, sheltered white millionaire who criticizes opposing political viewpoints and lifestyles without ever thinking about poverty, or indeed, anything outside the suburbs his parents wealth brought him into. Naturally, this image is inaccurate and unfair: can it be justified if some readers find it funny? I expect that you will attempt to label my letter simply another example of political correctness, vague as that term may be. Far from it. I don't think your speech should be modified, repressed or restricted in any way. In fact, I'd be glad to hear how you might justify what you wrote. Let the open and public debate begin!

backed, existence program, you distort both the effects of social programs and the demography of the populations who benefit from them. You realize, of course, that the majority of those on welfare in this country are white. I assume that you also know that the majority of Mrican Americans don't buy gangsta music and frequently dissociate themselves from its violent representations of African American life. What about our campus? I believe that something like one studenbn four is a minority on this campus: would you really suggest that whites aren't the prime beneficiaries of services from library privileges to financial aid and health care? Surely the majority groups on the campus enjoy a majority of the benefits? Your piece engages in a kind of sloppy symbolic shorthand: people .urging that the University should extend more benefits are depicted as black gangstas. Such symbolism, even in jest, really does a disservice to the complexities of the situation and the diversity ofthe people involved. Whatever its intentions may have been, the imprecision and failed humor of your blurb perpetuate tired and inaccurate stereotypes. It would almost be like, say, por-

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Think the Review is the best thing since canned beer? Or do you think the Review should be condemned to a really nasty perdition? However you feeL ..

WRITE US. mrev@umich.edu ..

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December 11, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o FROM SUITE ONE \"

Presidential ImmunitY? F ALL THE POTENTIAL WEAPONS GOP PRESIDENTIAL candidate Robert Dole failed to use last election, the "character issue" was the deadliest. Clinton stories are already the stuff oflegends. Of all the Clinton scandals, however, the Paula Jones lawsuit has the largest implications, and our nation must tread carefully. If the Supreme Court allows Jones' civil case to proceed, the implications could be devastating. . Jones' allegations are damning if true. In a recent New Republic article, Carl Cannon sums the story up. A David Brock article for the American Spectator on Clinton's sexual habits included allegations by Arkansas state troopers. The troopers told of a rendezvous between Clinton and a "Paula"; after the tryst, the trooper claimed, "Paula" offered to be Clinton's girlfriend. Jones carne out, claiming that the Spectator's article was wrong on two counts. First, Jones alleges that she was never a Clinton "girlfriend." Second, and at issue, is Jones' claim that Clinton groped her and propositioned her for oral sex - and issued veiled threats when she refused. This is textbook sexual harassment. Jones sued, seeking damages from Clinton. If this were some private individual, he would probably treat this as a nuisance suit and settle. As many journalists (including Cannon) note, Clinton cannot settle. Anything less than all-out victory tarnishes the President with allegations of sexual misconduct. Hasta la vista, gender gap. Cannon notes that Clinton's lawyer, Robert Bennett, plans to use precedent from a 1982 Supreme Court decision, Nixon u. Fitzgerald. Cannon's otherwise excellent article fails to note that this precedent leaves Clinton on shaky ground. Fitzgerald provides only a limited immunity. In the 5-4 decision, Justice Powell wrote that "[t)he president cannot ... be liable to arrest, imprisonment, or detention while he is in the discharge of his office, and, for this purpose, his person must be deemed, in civil cases at least, to possess an official inviolability." Sounds good for Clinton, huh? Wrong. Powell clearly stated that the immunity exists only in cases where a civil suit concerns "a President's official acts." Finding any justification under which the Jones allegations fall under "official acts" is difficult - he was not President at the time, nor do these allegations fit any definition of"official acts." Furthermore, in a concurring opinion, Chief Justice Burger eschewed claims of vast immunity. "A President, like [other governmental officials) - all having absolute immunity - are not immune for acts outside official duties," Burger wrote. This clearly shows the extent of immunity under Fitzgerald . As for the Fitzgerald dissent, the claim made is that the President should be liable to civil suits while in office - there is no support there for Bennett's argument. With Fitzgerald, then, Bennett is running straight at a brick walL This is a shame. While we at the Review have serious questions about our sitting President, allowing the trial to proceed would set a dangerous precedent. A President is more than just a private citizen; claims that this action should be treated like any private civil suit miss the point. The President manages the day-to-day operations of our polity. His ability to proceed is essential. While the Review's list of Clinton policy criticisms is long, Clinton's need to make policy decisions is unquestionable. The dangers of a civil trial are obvious. Clinton would need to provide depositions and testimony. Jones' claims to know details about the President's sexual anatomy will require Presidential attention. This is clearly a distraction - it would be impossible for a President to remain focused on official duties. More generally, allowing civil cases to proceed opens a Pandora's box. Civil cases work under lower standards of proof than cri1llinal trials. If anyone could file a civil suit against the President, the problems would be enormous and timeconsuming. In his Fitzgerald dissent, Justice Blackmun pooh-poohs this, claiming that "Congress remains free to address this problem [of nuisance suits)" by regulating the ability to file such suits. Blackmun's position is untenable. To expect that a President of one party would be supported in this matter by a Congress of another party is ludicrous. Placing the question of immunity in the realm of shifting'contemporary politics invites disaster. As a practical matter, making Jones wait is acceptable. Jones waited for years after the alleged misconduct to come forward . There is no reason that this suit cannot wait until Clinton returns to private life. Justice is only delayed, and only due to extreme circumstances. Jones will have her day in court. It is important to note that this will not grant absolute immunity. Criminal proceedings, with their higher standards, could proceed against the President. The harm ofletting the Jones case proceed outweighs any gains from letting it proceed .. We hope .that . the. Court wilL recognize .these concerns. and grant Clinton temporary immunity from the Jones suit:' Ml

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~------------- ~ ·0 COMMENTARY

Clinton Must Address Medicare

ILL CLINTON'S RE-ELECTION HAS NOT COME WITHOUT A serious price. Besides the ell.Qr.mous gender gap, Bill Clinton managed to carry 49 percent of the-senior citizen vote over Mr. Dole's 41 percent on election day. However, these results should come as little surprise when one considers the Clinton campaign's raw demagoguery in touting the "Me disc are" issue. In the wake of two government shutdowns, both Republicans and Democrats seem to be making strident efforts to act cooperatively in cranking out the national agenda. While this bipartisan approach might last through the first year of Mr. Clinton's second term, the American public can surely expect another divisive budget battle. Unless the Clinton administration decides to seriously address the impending Medicare crisis, the popular health insurance program for senior citizens along with numerous other discretionary government programs will face serious threats of financial collapse. In 2011, the first Baby Boomers will reach age 65. The financial strain facing Medicare is tremendous. In 1995, the system ran a small deficit earlier than expected, and is now predicted to hit zero balances in the Trust Fund by May of 200l. The imminent disaster surrounding Medicare's accelerating collapse poses several significant challenges to both current recipients and future generations. Although estimates of payroll tax increases necessary to maintain the current Medicare system vary with predictions offuture economic growth, it is safe to say that fmancing the Trust Fund would essentially turn the Boomers' children into slaves. However, simply recognizing this looming burden for future generations is not enough. Once the Boomers realize they cannot obtain comprehensive government-supplied health insurance without bankrupting their children, they will face almost no chance of receiving postretirement insurance from former employers. The only way in which this crisis can be addressed is through sound, pragmatic bipartisan collaboration. Unfortunately, Medicare is the third rail of American politics- touch it and you die. Clinton, choosing short-term personal gain over long-term principles that will better serve the common good, decided to blast congressional Republicans for so-called "cuts" in Medicare. After the Republicans implemented a 7% increase in Medicare spending, the DNC decided to spend millions of dollars on several thousand television ads intended to frighten senior citizens dependent on Medicare. The end result of this untruthful smear campaign has produced a second Clinton term in office along with a gigantic stigma on Medicare reform. It should come as no surprise that both parties will look to other government programs in determining ways to reduce the federal budget deficit. As Senate majority leader Trent Lott proclaimed, "The President has the first at bats". Republican leaders must remain firm in forcing Mr. Clinton to sacrifice major parts of his domestic agenda if the looming Medicare crisis is to be prolonged. At the very least) Mr. Clinton must address the one serious issue he h$ continually avoided and stigmatized. Ml ·-Evan Knott .•'''·I''''M __ •_ __

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December 11, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Michigan Party Wins Election ,\~

Continued from page 1

reached for comment. \', • • The ballot proposals put before the student body were also a volatile issue this election, with heated and prolonged debate raging over the merits of each proposal. Three of the funding proposals dealt with student funding, whereas the fourth dealt with a change to the MSA Compiled Code. Out of the three funding proposals, the most highly debated, the Project SERVEIBlack Volunteer NetWork request for a $1.50Iterm fee for funding was defeated by a slim margin, 1569 to 1487 votes. Had the ProjectSERVEI Black Volunteer Network request passed, the $1.50/term funding would have appeared as a line item on the MSA budget, not only rendering it untouchable to change, but also opening the door for any student group that wished to put such a proposal on the ballot the means to do so. The second proposal submitted by the Michigan Student Assembly to the student body asking for an additional $l/term fee increase for the stated prime purpose of funding student groups was passed, 1811 to 1240 votes. The final fee proposal, asking for an additional $lIterm in student fees to '\I'~

fall, since there would be so many candidates running." Nihilist Party chair Andrew Serowik responded that "I don't think it's a question of our party doing as well as others . There were only two parties that actually won any seats. The Michigan Party, to put it nicely, is an election machine, whose primary goal seems to be putting people on the Assembly." Slumber Party chair David Bogue was more direct about the results. "We feel that the Slumber Party did great in the elections. We had many people tell us that they support a West Coast offense, and that was all we could really ask for. As for doing as well as the other parties? Well, the imperialistic dogma which manifests itself in its own preservation, narcissism, and philistine pig ignorance, a.k.a. the Michigan Party, may have won this battle, but as for the war? I doubt it. The only reason they won is because we decided against handing out lollypops in the Diag." Despite numerous and repeated attempts, victorious candidates from the Michigan Party could not be

directly fund school and collegiate student governments, was soundly defeated by a margin of 2199 to 673 votes. The fourth proposal, an amendment that allows lessees of University housing to be included as members of student groups while not necessarily being students at the time, was passed by the comfortable margin of 1714 to 880. Turnout in this election ranged from surprising to incredibly pathetic (even for an MSA election,) depending on which school you examine. The Music school had a full 20 percent turnout, whereas the school ofMedicine had an abysmal 0.01 percent turnout, according to official MSA turnout figures. The two largest schools, LSA and Engineering, had relatively normal to high turnout, with LSA coming in at 12.25 percent and Engineering at 16.35 percent. The other schools had lower turnout, with Architecture at 1.53 percent, Art at 2:0 percent, BUSiness at 0.86 percent, Dentistry at 0.20 percent, Education at 6.78 percent, Kinesiology at 3 percent, Law at 0 ~37 percent, Natural Resources at 8.25 percent, Nursing at 2.8 percent, Pharmacy at 5.29 per-

cent, Public Health at 2.4 percent, Rackham at 1.7 percent, and the School of Social Work, last but not least, with 3,7 percent turnout. Angie Blake, Elections Director for MSA, said that "I believe the results of this election were very similar to past fall elections, 12 percent has been the average turnout for LSA. Music, on the other hand, broke a voter record. There were more votes cast this term than ever before (or at least along time, as far as 1am aware.) Engineering was also high!" Looking back upon the election, it might appear that the old maxim hils held, that "nothing has changed." However. things have changed. The Assembly, while still dominated by the Michigan Party and pro-Michigan Party independents, is now also comprised of far more independent representatives than ever before. Partisanship on the Assemblyhasnaturally decreased, with the ' Michigan Party only holding 16 seats on the Assembly and the opposition parties holding a grand total of 11 seats. With the new makeup of the Assembly, it is quite possible that the change demanded may very well occur. Ml

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December 11,1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR

I Got Yer 'Bah Jlumbug' Right Here! ·f

BY GEOFF BROWN

OWDY FOLKS! IT'S THAT time again. The holiday season is upon us. Unfortunately for those of us who are college students (like me, I think) that also means that finals season is upon us. And, as we all know, the only thing worse than holiday shopping is taking finals. And the only thing worse than finals is - well, nothing's worse than finals, really. Personally, I'd rather undergo appendectomy with a dull plastic spoon without benefit of anesthetics wide awake while being forced to watch reruns ofthat "Steve Urkel" show than take finals. Thanks to my several years as a student at this fine institution, I've taken many finals here. They all sucked. All ofthem. Not that I'm bitter. Anyway, I suppose that the coming offinals does hail the long awaited winter break, and the holiday season. I don't know about y'all, but I always liked the holiday season. Oh, I know I'm supposed to write this "bah humbug,'" "holidays suck,'" anti-Christmas season column like the rest of my fellow "Generation X" columnists have taken to doing, but I'm not goijlgto do that. I really do like the holiday season. It's a nice break from the rigors of classes. It generally means I can get far enough away from campus to not be prosecuted under the Code. I get to see my family. I also actually like Christmas itself. Some people say it's gotten too commercialized. Perhaps it has, to a point - I do still dread Christmas shopping. But Christmas is a great time for those who can see past the commercialism and the jaded criticisms. Of course, it can be difficult for those of us who don't like braving the malls for holiday giftbuying or the constant barrage of rei ative-related inquiries Gike Aunt Edna asking "So what exactly do you plan to do after you graduate???"). So, as a public service, I have decided to offer y'all my Guide to Surviving the Holiday Season. So get ready. The Magical Mystery Tour is Dying to Take You Away. Next stop: The holidays. One of the less pleasant aspects of the Yuletide season is the shopping for the "perfect gift" for that "special someone" that they'll "cherish forever," or until they go to "return it the next day" for "something else." But I "digress." Anyway, the main reasons that gift shopping is so unpleasant are (1) ,~

In the yuletide spirit, Geoff is mainly happy to be. done with finals. Email holiday cheer to him at gmbrowri/i!h.mJ.lCh.edu

the crowds of people, who apparently take moron pills that make them drive erratically (and park horribly too - I swear sometimes it's like rabid ferrets have been valet parking people's cars for them) and block aisles in department stores for days so that you can't get by usually when you're in the biggest hurry so YOU HAVE TO KILL THEM AND HURL THEIR BODIES WITH A NICE BIG CATAPULT INTO ... Oh. (Ahem). Sorry. I get really emotional sometimes. Anyway, reason (2) is that we never seem to know exactly what to get that "special someone" for the holidays. Atleast, I never do. In any event, here are some tips for Surviving the Holidays, because no matter how much you love the holiday season, there are many forces at work in the world that will annoy and frustrate you to the point where you make the Grinch That Stole Christmas look like Mother Theresa.

Trayellimr to the Mall This is definitely a hazardous activity. In order to safely make it to the mall or other place of holiday purchasing, you need to be well prepared. Here are some supplies that will help you make it there safely. • FENDER-MOUNTED TORPEDOES. You will need these when you get out into the main roads and find them full of holiday shoppers who apparently graduated the "Ray Charles Driving School," because they cannot seem to drive well to save their own lives. In fact, the holiday season seems to attract people who haven't seen the light of day for eons, because nobody seems to know how to drive. An abnormal number ofholiday shoppers also display signs of"green-light distraction syndrome," wherein the information that the traffic light has just turned green takes up so much time that by the time they do proceed, the light is starting to tum yellow. Perhaps three cars out of the approximately twenty billion vehicles lined up in front of you actually proceed through the light. This is a definite problem, and the source of much frustration to a non-idiot driver like yourself. Whatever will you do about this problem? Simple. Ifyou could get front fender-mounted torpedoes installed on your car, you could clear up minor trailic problems instantly by vaporizing every car that takes more than five seconds to decide to move through the light. These torpedoes will also make it possible for you to clear out parking spaces occupied by insolent jerks who park across two parking sp~ceswhen the whole place is packed,

thus depriving you of a place to park. • PEDESTRIAN SPREADER. This device could be deployed to push annoying pedestrians out of the way in parking lots. We've all had the problem of being in a hurry, and wanting to park the car and get the hell inside the store, except we couldn't because a group of pedestrians decided it would be a good idea to fan out all the way across the driving lane instead of walking off to the side so that cars could get by. The Pedestrian Spreader would end this problem. Once activated, it would bump unwanted pedestrian interference off to the side. .REAR-MOUNTED SMOKESCREEN SPREADER. This will keep opportunistic, potential parking spot thieves from sneaking up and taking your spot. It will also allow you to evade annoying police officers that want to question you about the 13 vehicles that mysteriously vaporized at the comer of State and Eisenhower when you happened to be in the area. • LOTS OF CDs. Because you too will be tired of hearing the incessan:r'~ Christmas carols they play over and over again on the radio as it gets closer to Christmas. I actually enjoy Christmas carols until it gets to the point where I've heard "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" about 53,000 times. Shoppin, Once you actually get to the mall, youll find it chock full ofinsane people wandering around the place, fleeing from store to store in search of gifts for various relatives and friends. Almost without question, they have completely lost all vestiges of brain function and common sense. They will clog aisles, stop inexplicably in the middle of crowded passageways, having made no attempt to get out of the way. They will be in front ofyou at the cash register, buying things with a total cost greater' than that of the gross domestic product of Peru, and they will, of course, either write a check, slowly, or pay by credit card, both removing the card slowly and replacing it in their wallet slowly, then they will peer at the charge slip like it is written in Sanskrit and sign it, slowly. If, by some miracle, they do payin cash, they will take an interminably long time to remove the bills, count them, hand them to the cashier, and then place their change back in their wallets. They will then put on their winter coats and plan out the next thre~ ~eeks :oft~ir lives; ~tta:' '

nizing every slip of paper in their possession alphabetically before leaving. You will feel a strong compulsion to kill this person. For this reason, it is necessary to carry: • TRANQUILIZER DARTS. These will be invaluable. You can render unconscious any annoying shoppers, and especially hyperactive children shrieking in holiday glee at Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Barney the Satanic Dinosaur . Not that I don't like children. I actually do. Except in stores near Christmas time. Okay, so now you're in the mall, and you're prepared to do some shopping. The only obstacle you face now is: What Sort of Gifts Do I Buy? I'd offer to help you out here, but I'm not much of a shopper myself. I never know what to get people for any given occasion, regardless ofhow well I know them. So you're on your own here. Sorry. In any event, having gotten the evil shopping out of the way, you can proceed to the good stuff, such as: • GIVING mOSE GIFTS YOU FOUGHT SO BARD TO GET. They say that it's better to give than to receive, and I've always been one to agree. Not that receiving is bad or anything, mind you, but it does feel better to give someone something, unless you gave them something that they feel is stupid (as evidenced by the listless remark, "Oh. Thanks," etc.) in which case it's not all that much fun. • BEING WITH FAMILY. Yes, we always grumble about this kind of thing, but for most of us, unless we grew up in the Menendez family, it's probably not as bad as we say it is. • EATING OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF FOOD. This is always fun. Many people end up eating lots of turkey and Christmas cookies and drinking lots of egg nog to the point of food coma. They then sit back and watch football games and lose conciousness. This is definitely cool. Unless it involves fruit cake, which, according to a theory I have, is the substance in which scientists found life from Mars.

In any event, we're in the home stretch now. Classes are over, and soon the holiday break will be upon us. Enjoy it, regardless of what your religion is, or who you are. I sure will. Good luck on your finals, and have a great break, and Merry Christmas! HoliCiays and see YaH next year. Ml, ,

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Maureen's Christmas Carol (fChristmas'Eve, )J1lartjordsputtered to lierseif. uWfiat a puny idea. (WITH APoLOGIES TO CHARLES DICKENS) I fiave a £ot ofstudents to prosecute ~ now drifted down fazi{y here. It's not fi~ I can ~from the stq; in {affle, puffy trust tIie 'UnitedStates wliite f[a~ as Maureen 1lartjord CriminafJusticeSystem [abo red into the dar~ foneEy fwurs to do tIie job. )J of the niglit of cliristmas 'Eve in a .9l.nd witli tliat, near[y empty ~feming t]JuiUing. Jts 1lartford continued (Vice President for Student .9l.ffairs, througli tIie niglit, sliuf it je[[ to 1lartford to oversee tlie fang tlirougli Code l1niversity of Midiigan's Code of documents, and senStudent Conduct. tencing fiapfess defen"Time to go yet, ma'am?" in- dants tofates many dii quiredJtssistant 'Vice Presitfentfor not deserve. It continStudent.9l.ffairs Mary Lou.9l.ntieau ued fi~ this for several fwurs until as she entered1lartford's office. finaUy she pausedfor a moment to ('}{p, "respondedMaureen. «We stretcfi. It was at that moment she liave many more Code cases to pro- saw something move in tIie corner cess, and many peopk to banisli to ofher eye. she whirfet{about in her the tfeptlis of the Code yufag. %e cfiair, but nobody was tliere. It was staffoj the Micliigan ~view afone tlien that she heard a souru£ farrepresents a [affle cliun/( of our case offyet seemingEy riglit there in the foaa. n room. It was tIie soundofmoaning «'But, 'Dr. 1lartford;" .9l.ntieau and rattfing cfiains. protesteC£ "it's Cliristmas 'Eve. We "Wlio 's tlie re ?! ?" ye{[e d sfwuU be fwme witli ourjami[ies!" Maureen. She was aEmost certain (('Bali, liumbug, :;{artford dethat slie was tlie onEy one kft in the c[area. "We fiave wor/( to do. '}{pw ~feming t]JuiUing. get busy." .9l.t tfiat moment agfwstEy ap'(Lookt Jtntieausaid; ttl under- parition materiaazedfrom tliin air. stand the importance of fiaving a It foo/(ei famifiar to Maureen. It Code and denying stutfents their foo~a fi/(e, fi~civiluberties - fww ef'se wouUwe "Jim? Jim control tliem? 'But I'd reaff:g fi~ to 'lJ'U'lJ'E!R.ST.9l.tJYI?!?" Maureen get fwme anti be witli my famiEy. el(!{aimed. "t]Jut, but... :you're not ({:Fine then!" Maureen snapped. dead!" ((.Leave! 'But don't come bac/({rrrrue," tlie apparition said. {{Jtru{ I'm not reaff:g 'lJtiderstadt, you're firei! yO on! yet out!" {('But I fiave afamiEy to support, eitlier. I mereEy assumedyou wouU and. .. " react better to a morefamifiarface, «9{OW!1I and because I befieve he feef's reWith that Jtntieau turnd, de- mprsefor fiaving impfementedsucli jected; and kft the room. a dreaaful poficy. )J BY GEOFF BROWN

"'lJr. Sfiapiro!" sfie el(!{aimed. (f9l[p, Maureen, the spirit repfietf. HI am the YfwstofCodePast. {%ewfiat?/J sfiequeried. KrJ1lfiat is going on? .9l.nd why don't tfiese peopk seem to notice we're here?" .{ffJJiey can't see us, Maureen," ({Sfiapiro" responded. ('5'Lsfor wliat's going on: I am the yfwst ojCode Past. I am here to help demonstrate the Code's effect on stutients. "t]Jut there wasn't any Code tliis . fong ago!" Maureen £!l(![aimed. {lPrecise[y, the yliost of Code Past replied. {(9I[ptice fww mucli cated yourse[j to e~anding the fiappier tliese students are." «:Yes, /J Maureen saiC£ ({but foo/( Code, andto restricting stuientC!# fi6erties, and to conducting{anga- at tfiem. %ere's no way that the roo courts, wit/iout giving mucli 'University can control their fives. tfiouglit to wfiat you were actuaff:g Jtru{ besides, students are perfectEy doing. )J fiappy now, even with the Code. " (fI f;rwwwfiat I'm doing. I fqww HIs thatso?"%e yfwstojCotie it is riglit. /J . Past as~d. {(I thin/( you need to ((t]Jut wfiat about ci1Ji{ fi6erties, foo/( at this. " Maureen?" Witli that, another ffasli oj ({wfiat about them?!/J she de- figliteti obscured Maureen's vision mandea. ({Jts fong as tfiese kjis five and wlien it subsided; slie founa under my roofi they UJi[{f0{fow my fierse[j in the secret Code yufag, rufes!" focateti deep witliin the forests oj ({Maureen, I must ta~ you on a '}{prtfi Campus. Standing neKJ to journey toniglit. It wi[[ be a very lier was an apparition that fook?d informativejourney into yourpast, e~act[y li/(e Interim President present, andfuture. 1lomer 9{eaf. .9l.nd with that affasli of figlit, ((1lomer! My yoC£ am Ig[ad to andsutftien[y tfiey were no fonger in see you!" Maureen el(!{aimeti, over Maureen's office, but at a frater- the cries of anguisli and the soumis nity fwfiiay party, many years ear- of roc/(-breakjng from gufag in[ier. Maureen af'so noticeti that mates. H:YOU wouUn't bdieve the (('lJuierstaat" was no fonger with niglit I've been fiaving. " her. She watcliea as stuaents rev{{ I am not 1lomer 9{eaf, e[[elf in fw(jday clieer. Sfie was then Maureen, " the spirit ~[ained. ((I greetedby another apparition, wfw am the qfwstofCodePresent. iAJol( [oo/(ed strikJngly [i/(e 1lar.o[d See Maureen's Christmas Carol on Page C4 Sfiapiro.

(ft]Jut, but, why are youliere?!?" uMaureen, I must sfww you tIie error ofyour ways. :You fiave dedi-

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Silent Theft, Sneaky Theft

" lp"

Fiona's Twelve Days of Christmas

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

(WITH APOLOGIES TO IlANnEL) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "SILENT NIGHT"

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE, GEOFF BROWN, AND MOHAN KRISHNAN

Silent theft, sneafqj theft Jtfl are gone, none are feft rz1ie M Jloc Committee said Hf}Juffsliit!" .5lruf after wliining arui th~owing afit Stofe af[ of the 'lJai£ies Stofe a[[ of the 'lJai£ies

(WITH APOLOGIES TO THE ORIGINAL AUTHORS) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF

"THE TwELVE

DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"

On the first tlIl!f of Cfiristmas Fwna gave to me, .9t two tfwusarui doUar stucfent fee On the seconi day of Cfiristmas, Fwna gave to me 'Two fact-finiing trips aruf a two tfwusaruf doUar stucfent fee

Sifent tfrejt, sneak:JJ theft Journalists cringe on the Left Curses stream from tWery sicfe rz1ie t:fzitWes sun!( off to run arui Iiicfe rz1ie 'Daily can't prosecute rz1ie 'lJai{y can't prosecute

On the tfiinf lay of Cfiristmo.s, Fwna gave to me 'l1iree corufemnations 'Two fact-firufing trips ani a two tfwusani doUar student fee On the fourtfi day of Cfiristmas, :Fiona gave to me .9tillance 4 Justice 'l1iree coniemnations 'Two fact-finiing trips and a two tfiousani doflar student fee On the fifth day of Cfiristmas, :Fiona said to me, :F~T, MllMI.9t! .9tillance 4 Justice 'l1iree condemnations 'Two fact-firuiing trips arui a two tfwusarui doUar student fee On the s~ day of Cfiristmas, :Fionagave to me,

Sbcfau[ty 6utfgets, :FlJ(ET, MllMI.51! JUfiance 4 Justice 'l1iree condemnations 'Two fact-firuiing trips and a two tfiousani doflar student fee 7. Seven students snoring, 8. 'Eigfit 'R...egents ignoring 9. 'J{jne proposed 60ycotts 10. (Ten wortfife.ss surveys 11. 'Eleven grandfor !o66yirtg 12. 'Twelve doomed heafth pfans

Trial Knells

Sifent tfrejt, sneaky theft f}Jecause of that intoferance %atgrows aruifesters in every head %at realizes their feftist cause is dead rz1ie 'lJai{y w~"the victim 'l1ie 'lJaify uids the victim

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE (WITH APOLOGIES TO JAY LIVINGSTON AND

RAy EvANS)

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "SILVER BELLS"

9{ew Code triafs, insane triafs,

Constitution ignored In the air 'l1iere's afeeang of bitterness CliiIi1rengasping Peopfe massing MaKfng sign after sign .5lrui on ev'ry street corner !J0u'f[hear Tria[ 1(ne[fs, Tria[ 1(ne[fs It's Code Tria[ time in the city Jlear the rufes, unfair to you SO(ln it wi[[ 6e Tria [ 'lJal{ .J

(jroups of students T,ven bUS!J ones Turn a 6rigfit red (orgreen) .9ts the cfiarges are read against the accused :Fee[ the anger, See the jurors, 'l1iiS is Maureen's big scene'" .'

.5lruf above a[[ tfiis madness You 'f[hear: fJ'ria[ 1(ne[fs, fJ'ria[ 1(ne[fs It's Code fJ'ria[ time in the city Jlear the rufes, unfair to !Jou Soon it wif[ be Tria! 'lJa!J

Rebiseb QCbristmas QCarols What Tripe Is This?

The Little Fraternity Boy

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BY GEOFF BROWN. BENJAMIN KEPPLE; AND MOHAN KRISHNAN SUNG TO THE TUNE OF

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE AND GEOFF BROWN

"THE LITTLE DRUMMER Boy"

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT

I wear a dirty fiat paft rum-pali-pum-pum I want to join your frat paft rum-pali-pum-pum I want to drinkjru beer paft rum-pali-pum-pum Wfiy dse would I be fiere? pali rum-pali-pum-pum, '1(um-pali-pum-pum 2(um-pali-pum-pum want to [IIlTlB witfi you paft rum-pali-pum-pum I even wear J. Crew paft rum-pali-pum-pum I want to 6e a pfdge pali rum-pali-pum-pum Who's puk:jng in your fietfge? paft rum-pafi-pum-pum '1(um-paft-pum-pum '1(um-paft-pum-pum

I just pukJi on my beft

paft rum-pali- pum- pum 5truf tfiatgidfrom 'Iri 'Ddt paft rum-pali-pum-pum %is pface is wfiere it's at pafi rum-pali-pum-pum Sony abou t your liat paft rum-paft-pum-pum '1(um-paft-pum-pum tJ\ym-paft-pum-pum I'm in afrat. (tJ\ym pum pum~pum) :Me ana my fiat. ~

a;~)

TmS?"

Wfiat tripe is this, wfio wrote this crap, %ese f})aily editoriafs? :Jar students groan witfi 6itter moans «rflwse editors must 6e crazy!" %ese columnists just suck. Wfiom editors allow to spew: !Haste, fiaste to criticize fJ1iose wfio write so poorly.

11m reaLty drunk aruf dazed paft rum-pali-pum- pum I guess I fiave been fiazed paft rum-pali-pum-pum I can't te[[ west from east paft rum-pali-pum-pum I drank. way too mucfi 'Beast paft rum-pafi-pum-pum '1(um-pali-pum-pum 2(um-pafi-pum-pum

CHILD

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Nothin' from BPe BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

R. BENNETI' TEPPER) SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "I'M GEM'ING NOTIIIN FOR CHRISTMAS" (WITH APOLOGIES TO

We cfiaffc.ed the sitfewaik.§ over Q11P; Somebody snitclied on us. We got biUea 6y the .9I.5Wl) S0me6oay must fie{p us. We couldn't pubfisli tfian{(§ to JPj); We force our members to pag fees; (jot no casli so fiefp us pfease; S0me6od!l Just fiefp us!

Non-White Christmas BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE AND GEOFF BROWN SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "WHITE CHRISTMAS"

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Just u~ the sfate tIiey ran this faff: 'Wfiere wmtes a,oe el\f-luded ani minorities inc£udetf :Yet somefww tIiey wil£ represent us a{[

We won't be seeinggood times; 'BPC couldn't juruf us. 'IIiey won't pag for us 6ecause {(~'s above us. ?{el(j year it wi{[ 6e too fate; ?{el(j yearwe'[[ try LS5l, just wait We 'a do it now, but it's too fate Wfio, just wfio wil£ fiefp us?

11Pes dreaming of a non-wmte Cfim~ It's time for tfieir ideas tfiey say ('Because tfiey've been repressed 'l{pw tfiey fiave progressed fJ'0 trying to taf.:.e over 5\1S51

So woVor alternate jurufing, wliatever you ao If!Iou refy on tIiem, we're warning !Iou

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wliife Jl.J{rienne is writing tripe ZaeR.. is turning is turning sfiatfes of wliite :Jor fie i$'avoice of reason aruf rigfit Oversfiatfowed 6y PC fiber'fs ((Pfease, pfease get me a new j06 I can't ta~ too mucfi more of fier sfie makes me waR.. real6ad Oli wfty aid I get stuck.. witfi fier?"

(WITH APOLOGIES TO IRVING BERLIN)

cH01(US: oli. ... We're getting notliin from 'BPC 'lIie tH.Pe is ffat broR..e We're9e.ttUrtJ notIiinfrom fJY.PC {Cause!MSJt is ajo~

JOu'[[get notliin from W'c.

So bring themgrammar, wgic, reason Mak.e tfiem write witfi cfarity It fiurts to read tfieir 6ar6arous screetfs We sfiout: ((Oli the !Humanity!" 2(aise, raise our voice on higli 'lIie stutfents sfiout their 6attfe cry: (((jot£, (jot£, get new peopfe fJ'0 write f})aily eaitoriafs!"

llpes dreaming of a non-white Cfim~ 'IIiey would uk! us to join tfieir figfit 5ltuf ~ a{[ our Clim~es non~fiite.

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December, 1996

THE HOLIDAY REVIEW

Carol they aeserve tIiis.»

Continued from page C1

out at your Coae (juiag, Maureen, ant! see tfte students .in anguish, fored to perform fiartf [afJor ant! submit to abuses, ant! miss spent!ing Christmas with tfteirfami[ies. » Maureen fook!a out at tfte Coae inmates, ana saw many of tfte same peopfe from tfte fraternity party in tfte past, now aisfievetletiantfgaunt. She watclieaas !M-Copguarcfs proceeaea to beat one of tfte inmates dOwn. ":Hey! » !Maureen yeffetf. KStop that! :You're onfy supposed to worf( tftem to ex..haustion! :You can't beat tftem! I oraer you to stop!!» NfJJiey can't fiearyou, Maureen, » IIfze (jhost of Coae Present said, with a note ofsadness in liis voice. "'lfumR§ to your overzeafous proTnotion of tfte Coae ana its inane anaoverbearing aiscipfine, students, often innocent, are forced to endure injustices ana inJiumani ties. » ({We(£ )) !Maureen said, ({these are a[[gui[f:Jj students. I suppose

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nearby wa[[. Maureen readthrougli it, ant! was sliocf(etf at wfiat slie saw. .9lpparentfy tlie Code had grown tosucli proponwns that even non- students ofthe rtl-Mcouftfbe prosecutea unaer it. 5tpparentfy Maureen's own staffturnedon lier, anti fiaa her prosecutea anti convietea urufer the Coae on trumpedup cliaTjjes. She was sent to the Code (juiag, never to be /iearafrom again. ({9/p!» she breatftetf. "?1iis can't be!" 'l1ie (jliost ofCode !Future merefy noaaetf. ({Wait!" Maureen e~cfaimetf. %is is tIie future! It fiasn't happenedyet! Maybe I can stop it!» 'l1ie (jhost ofCode !Future nodaea anti smifea sfiglitfy. With that Maureen founa liersefj bacf( in lier office. It was Cliristmas moming.:..~ Immediatefy, Maureen 'L,sued orders abofisfzing the Code of Stuaent Contiuct. slie then ran over to Mary Lou 5tntieau's Iiouse, anti

({%[gui[f:Jj?»'l1ie fihostofCoae Present ask!d, suspicwusfy. "We(£ not as sucli,» !Maureen rep[iea. "It couM be worse." ({:Yes, it most certainfy couMbe, » 'l1ie (jhost of Coae Present agreed. ({5tna unfess you do something now, it wi[[ be. " With .tfiat aamonition, yet anotfter bfinaing ffasli of fight came ant! went. when Maureen's vision returned, slie found liersefj bacf( at tfte 91eming f}3uiftfing, in her office. I twas bustfingwithactivity.:However, slie discoverea that slie was no fonger o/ice Presiient for Student 5tffairs - that post was fitleti by another. 5tt that moment, yet another apparition appearea. It foof(etf fif(e Lee f}3o[[inger, but in fact was the (jhost of Coae !Future. ((what happenea?" Maureen ask!a. ((10iere did I go." 'l1ie (jhost of Code !Future saia nothing, but merefy pointed to a Coae case history postea to tfte '''

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rang the door6e[[ ex..citedfy. 5t tiretf-fooking 5tntieau answered the door, ({tj)r. :Hart/ora! What are you cfoing here?! ?" "!Meny Cliristmas, Mary Lou!" Maureen e:{5:faimea. ({I'm sony I firetf YOUj you can fiave your job bacKJ" (ffJfianfcyou, tj)r. :Hart/ord!" «I afso abofishetf tIie Code. J reafized it was wrong for us to try anti deprive stuients of their civiC riglits! Qpic~ come with me! We have tofree a[[ofthe inmates at tIie Coae (jufag!" fL9/p Code!" e~faimed5tntieau. ({f}3ut, but - what wi[[ we do?!?" "We'[[ fina something, Mary Lou - we're bureaucrats, remember?" (jod f}3fess us 'Every One! etcfaimed 5tntieau. . 'E!PlLO(jrtl'E: We canonry hope II

that the above, or something simifar, wife occur tliis Cliristmas 'Eve.We can a[ways hope. fJJ{'E 'E9{tj). 5\1{

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December 11, 1996

MICHIGAN REVIEW

o LoST IN THE EIGHTIESTM

A Lot of Good That Did >,.

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seating Levi's jeans commercials, you know what I mean, "265 million, of which I am one." They're horrible! I OMETIMES I FEEL THIS mean, Jesus Christ, you just want to way about my work: "A lot of scream, "Go good this did." For example, I recently turned in a paper for a class . ::. ,-e~ :,.. ~ ::.-"";;~~~ e - . ,.~i?'.have your idealist imaginations that received the respectable grade of crushed by dis"B." My own personal feelings before illusionment or I turned it in? Put it in a cynical, bitter something! tone and it makes sense: "I am a Shut up! Go discredit to scholarship. I have no .make room business even being near this departsomewhere else! ment. This paper is utterly worthless I . was perfectly and not much better than kindling. content watchChrist." Now, when it comes to poliing Dick Van tics, sometimes I really feel this way. Dyke and all of "Oh, goody. My vote has been ena sudden you tirely marginalized. The person show up. You elected to the office is not only a crazed make me want lunatic bent on wreaking havoc to puke!" throughout our Republic, but my canHowever, didate loses by 18 points. Christ." they are usually Sometimes, one can get really The A·Team makes a difference: they pity those MSA fools. saner than most down about it. When this happens, it individuals who also Want To Change blown out too, not winning any seats confirms my belief that Kepple's Things. For example, Adrienne "I hate (although they came excruciatingly Clause exists as a physical law of the my whiteness" Janney, Daily columclose in Engineering) either. This is universe. "The side, group, article, or nist and editorial page editor (who organization, no matter how rational, pleasing because it shows that the fortunately has to share Mondays with virtuous, powerful, or correct, will campus voters for MSA are smart the far more intelligent and actually enough overall NOT to elect people Lose, or be in the Minority Politically, if Benjamin Kepple is a part of it in rational editorial page editor , Zae1t'" who campaign exclusively on a racist anyway." platform. Raimi), does not use logic and ratioHere's a good campus example. I And of course, independents had nality when writing. At least I don't voted for both the Liberty and the to get elected. Now, I think that havthink so. What if she actually acted Nihilist parties in the election (while ing independent candidates is a good like she wrote? What would a Daily secretly telling people I voted. for one thing in theory, but I don't believe editorial board meeting be like? or the other, I admit it. I'm human.) I that they are truly independent. EDITOR IN CHIEF: OK. next thought both of these parties were They'll usually vote with some party item on the list, editorial on the U-M great. I thought they were the best line but keep the independent banner Presidency... people for the job. They were sincere, afloat as a safety net. "Look! I'm an ADRIENNE: THREE WHITE they were angry enough to want independent! I'm not part ofthe MichiBOYS AND ONE WHITE GIRL! change, to me, this was what we gan Party machine! Even though I ZACK: NO! NOT THAT! needed in rational student governwas endorsed by the Michigan Party PLEASE! ment. And of course, we can see what and said so on my campaign flyers! I EIC: Uh ... next item! Oh, happened. We're still stuck with an am in no way an auxiliary of the Christ ... that's it! Racism! Right! RacAssembly dominated by the MichiMichigan Party! You can trust me!" ism editorial! gan Party, with Fiona "Fotomat" Rose But the major problem with indepenALL EDITORS (in sync): Racand Probir "Funk Lord" Mehta in condent candidates is that they have an. ism is the most important issue on trol, thanks to their Michigan Party annoying tendency to Want To Change campus today! henchmen who also got elected: Dan ADRIENNE: I HATE MY Things, regardless of whether they "The Poodle" Serota, Mike "Clear need. changing or even whether they WHITENESS! QUICK! I SHALL Skies and Empty Head" Nagrant, and can be changed at all. Ninety percent COLOR MY SKIN WITH PURPLE newcomers such as Ian "Who the hell of the time the concerned candidate LIPSTICK AND BECOME ONE is he?" Lucas. wants to Save Affirmative Action, even WITH THE AVOCADO OF JUSTICE ! However, we can be thankful and if it means armed revolution against ZACK: PLEEEEASE! MAKE IT offer praises to our respective deities the state, and the other ten percent of STOP! OH THE HUMANITY! that some people did not get elected. to the time the candidates wants to save I am willing to bet that Daily that bloated. cadaver of inefficiency. something that no one, not even Jesus, columnists like Adrienne must feel Victors Party candidate Nick "Roy . could save. Your typical independent even more than I do that "A lot of good Cohn" Kirk failed to bring his mescandidate is some student who had that did." They slave away for whole sage of watered down, irrational Rethe cancerous brainchild of an idealminutes on their columns, and get publicanism to the Assembly (thank ist thought in his head and failed. to little accomplished except managing God) and Jim "None of you are safe think it out of existence in time. This to nauseate the student body. But blood donors! I KNOW IT! HA! unhealthy idealism, still allowed. to why do it? That is what brings us to exist in one's mind, sometimes even the final,and more important quesBenjamin Kepple is Managing Edimanages to avoid being turned. into tions. What good does any of this do? tor of the Review. He is hiding in the What's the point of this activism? cynicism or disillusionment. Hence, jungles of Belize, training a secret I do what I do because I enjoy it. I most of them end up like those annoyarmy to overthrow the M,-State. ing 15 year old children in those naulike helping to put out a paper. I like

BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

HAHAHAHA!" Riske came in last in the Engineering race, with a measly 63 points. And we can all be thankful that the United People's Coalition got

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writing. Most importantly, I can see the results: they are tangible. For people think and argue over the articles, essays, editorials, and reviews that I help present - not my articles, necessarily, but those of the other members who work here, and who work hard to make their cases. And I enjoy that feeling. But every activity everyone does is done for some purpose; I refuse to believe that we can live our lives doing pointless things. For those who work for and with others to take on any cause, to put forth what is right, to try to keep the ships afloat and run the businesses, to organize the rallies, we must not give up hope that what we are doing has a point and that what we are doing is good. As we approach our activities, we must approach them with drive and ambition, but we can easily do so by knowing and applying that self-confidence that comes from doing these things for a good purpose . We can succeed in our . activities, we will succeed in our ac~ tivities. It is no longer a question, bu~ a statement of fact. For we simply must.~':~'

Given that in mind, I would lik4t]. to invite all of you to look at the thing(:: around you, and see what you could":: . improve. (We all have things we could improve!) If there is something you don't like, work to change it. If there. , are things you don't agree with, speak . out. You can make a difference and what you do does matter. It's som~ thing that I have learned from experi~ :" ence. ,. And, I would like to invite everYY: one to join the Review. Hey, it's a> shameless plug, but I am confident' that out there, there are people who want to make a difference, and this is a great way to do so. We're looking for business staff, editorial staff, writers, and illustrators - even if you don't think. you "have any talents" you can certainly join - no experience is necessary and God knows I didn't know what I was doing when I started. Stop by the Review office at our weekly staff meetings (7 pm, the Perry Building, Suite 32) or give us an e-mail at mrev@umich.edu, or call us at 6621909. We'd love to have you! But whatever you do, if you decide to join the Review or join another organization on campus, you're doing something that matters. You're working for a tangible goal. It mayor may not be met, but workingtowafds it and knowingthat you've helped. to change things or created something is simply a won· derful feeling. For it does do some good. Oh, and happy holidays. Bah. Humbug. • l

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December 11, 1996

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o HOLIDAY FEATURE

Alcohol: the BY LISA WAGNER

LIKE DRINKING TOO MUCH to become an alcoholic. I have heard this line too many times since I started college. In the past ten years, the number of college binge drinkers has doubled. This is a sad commentary on college life, and this trend is showing up on the streets. It is the nature of the beast; when there is a concentration of so many people who are partying and drinking, there will be an increased number of drunk. drivers. People between the ages of21 and 24 make up the age group which gets more DUI arrests (Driving Underthe Influence) and causes the most traffic accidents while under the influence of alcohol. I must be honest with you, the impetus for this article was an accident that I witnessed over Thanksgiving break. It traumatized me for a couple of days. I was incensed and 80 I decided to write about it. On Friday, November 29,1996, I was in a fairly affluent suburban pub just outside of Milwaukee. I had a beer and chatted for a while with the two friends I was visiting. We noticed the time as we walked out the door. It was 1:20 a.m. We got into ourrespective cars and headed for the. parking lot exit. I was following closely behind my friend's car when another car cut in between us and rear-ended my friend. Everyone pulled over just as they should have, and we all got out. The person who cut in front of me was a girl. She was alone and reeking of alcohol. From her erratic movements and slurred speech, it was apparent that she was drunk. When we told her she would have to wait for the police, she said curtly that she did not have the time and that she would just give us her insurance card. She clumsily rummaged through her purse and produced a card that looked like an insurance card. We took it but told her that she absolutely must not leave. Intent on fleeing, this girl jumped into her front seat and threw the transmission into drive. This is where the story becomes complicated. I thought it smart to stand in between her door and the car, so that she could not shut it and therefore would not take off. Much to my painful surprise, she floored it, and for some unexplainable reason I found myselfholding on to her steering wheel and the door handle. By the time I realized what was happening, it was

Lisa Wagner would like to graciously thank Dr. Patricia Waller for her assistance with this article. <

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too late to let go. She was dragging me and I would have slid face-first into the pavement. (In my defense, it all happened within 10 seconds.) To make a long, scary story short, she dragged me 150 feet out onto the street. The reason my face is still intact is because she pushed me and therefore, I rolled safely out of the way. She then took off as fast as she could down the street. Unfortunately she was not caught that night. Soon after I scraped myself off, the police came and made a report. I was not physically hurt so I declined an ambulance and a criminal report for what she' had done to me. We found out the next day from the police that this girl had an extensive driving record. She had prior alcohol-related offen~eson her license and she was underage. This poor girl will drink and drive again because even though she was cited for the accident, she escaped a DUI arrest. In effect, she has been given no deterrence, no reason not to drink. and drive again. I am livid that just because she left the scene of the accident, she did not get a much deserved DUI. Something is wrong with a system where incidents such as these go unpunished. Despite the fact that I could have seriously been hurt, she could have killed someone else on her way home. Recently I met with Dr. Patricia Waller, the director of the University of Michigan Transportation Research Institute (UMTRl.) Among other traffic-related issues, she does statistical research on drunk driving. From her work she hopes to help improve the efficiency and safety of current transportation facilities. Dr. Waller provided me with many interesting statistics regarding drunk driving within the state of Michigan. One of the most interesting and frightening numbers is that in 1994, drivers in Washtenaw County made up 42.5 percent of all fatal crashes in which the driver had been drinking for the entire state of Michigan. There were 18 traffic fatalities as a result of the alcohol concentration ofthe driver. Dr. Waller offered a plausible explanation for this. She said that Washtenaw County is an area with two universities and several small colleges so there is a naturally large concentration of young people who come from fairly affluent backgrounds. And for college-age kids, alcohol is the drug of choice. From this, one would not be as surprised by such a high number of alcohol-related traffic problems. December is one of the worst

Drug of Choice

months for alcohol-related traffic fatest which will determine the bodily alcohol content. The legal limit is .10 talities. Given that people are celebrating with friends and more often percent. If a person tests .10 percent than not, these holiday parties inor higher, they will suffer years of elude alcohol. Most people tend to feel consequences. Let the following be a deterrence. more empowered when they feel the Drunk. driving penalties have bebuzz of alcohol. And most people feel as though they can drive better when come quite severe in the past few they are drunk.. Obviously, this is a years in hopes of curbing the statisfarce to the sober person, so let the tics. For a first offense, the maximum statistics speak for themselves. A possible penalties the court could fatality in a crash is almost six times impose are: six months in the county jail, $1,000 fine plus up to an addimore likely when one of the operators tional $1,950 in penalty assessments is reported as having been drinking. In December of 1994, the Michigan (not including lawyers fees), six Department of State Police reported months drivers license suspension 11,947 people injured in alcohol-raand/or the automobile could be imlated crashes. pounded for up to 30 days. Finally if Everybody who has ever had a convicted of a DUI, 6 points will be drink. is aware that alcohol affects added to the drivers license, and the judgment .and self-control. As a peralcohol will remain on a driving record sons blood alcohol concentration for seven years subsequent to convic(BAC) increases their reaction time is tion. This does not take into account the fact that insurance companies are slowed, they experience loss of concentration and sometimes have virelentless with DUI convictions. sual problems. Drivers should be With the Holiday season now in aware that the state of Michigan has full swing, please do not forget what I toughened the Anti-Drunk. Driving have written. Take the information to laws. heart and consider your own safety as First, be advised of the Implied well as other's before you get in that Consent Law. This states that. by'-'"~ drivers seat. Remember, thebestpracdriving in Michigan, a person is contical advise I can give is extremely clear: IT IS NEVER WORTH IT TO sidered to have given consent to a preliminary breath test. This means DRINK AND DRIVE! Please pay that if suspected for a DUI, the driver heed to this cliche and I wish you all will be required to take a chemical the safest and most joyous holiday season. Mt (usually a hand-held breathalyzer)

Attention Michigan Independent! It is futile to resist the all-pervasive influence of the Michigan Review! You may have improved your layout. You may have gained staffers. You have even allegedly kidnapped Review Editor-at-Large Geraldo Armando-Ruiz. But nothing will stop us from completing one of our prime goals: the assimilation of all campus media outlets into the Review. We shall crush your impudent upstart paper with one swift stroke (or many strokes, depending!) Make it easy on yourself.

JOIN THE REVIEW. Better campus news coverage. Better national news coverage. Editorials that are actually readable. Columnists that are funny and bitter. Better arts. Better music. The original inventors of that hiding in the Caribbean bit. No columns with name based puns. A four room office suite. Better office parties (we still don't know what a four-way is ... by the way, WE need NOTHING.) Join the REVIEW. ·t.e.~l.tlle.f.ef'J:Y,Buildin . t . , ~13 66a-1909 ..:,.,\.,.mre~icb.e~ t

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ITH THE RECENT RISE in violent crimes, it is inevitable that polemics on crime policy would appear in book· stores. The most recent addition to the collection, Body Count (Simon and Schuster, $24.00), is a compelling indictmen t oflax federal policies in crime policy as well as a call for a restoration of public morality. Crime experts of all political stripes read at their own peril. At first glance, one might wonder if the authors of this book may fall into a "too-many-cooks" syndrome. The line-up is star-studded . Bill Bennett is well-known for his rightwing beliefs and his best-selling moral anthologies, The Book of Virtues and The Moral Compass. John J. Dilulio, Jr. is director of the prestigious Brookings Institute of Public Management, and is one of the top conservative activists on crime policy. Rounding out the trio is John P . Walters, a leader in several anti-crime groups as well as a previous deputy director of the Office ofN ational Drug

well together? The answer is that they can. The entire text can be seen as an assault on crime policy myths, with no side immune. The authors present the problem simply : the major problem of American crime comes from young males who group up in "practically perfect criminogenic environments." Without many sources of moral guidance, these young men feel no remorse about their actions, and lack a clear sense of right and wrong. Without drastic action to stop this problem, America's inner cities will only get worse. With that, the attacks begin. In sections entitled "The Usual Suspects," Bennett and company attack the beliefs of both sides. Liberals will cringe at a section denouncing public monies as a sure-fire solution to the problems of inner cities, and will also resist swallowing the authors' claim that racial disparities are not a major cause of crime. Conservatives relishing these fmdings need to beware, however.

"spartan prison conditions" and the out. While the authors speak with death penalty will really prevent one VOice, one wonders how decisions of content and placement were made. crime. The "super-predators," the authors claim, have little reason to The authors do an excellent job of fear such penalties, since they overpresenting a stark human role in the face of a complete barrage of numwhelmingly are not convicted in the bers. The text intersperses stories first place. The authors also favor from various sociologists and crimiresponsible gun control measures, and nologists into their own text, telling pooh-pooh claims that Miranda rights have seriously limited police ability us stories of 14-year old children ento fight crime. These arrows, shot slaved in order to get money for their from conservative quivers, are very mother's crack habit. Such stories persuasive and should attract serious are compelling and provide much of the best text in the book, for while the conservative interest. The solution for the authors is arguments are compelling and the far-reaching. Regulation aimed at need is severe, one wishes that the limiting the availability of drugs and authors' prose style could have been made more appealing. alcohol is necessary, since these rna· terials reduce personal responsibility While the amount of information and serve as gateways to violent acis staggering, it appears like Body Count tries to split the difference betivities. More police are needed to . enforce public safety and discourage tween popular nonfiction and sociocriminal behavior. While morality i~ logical study. Stylistically, the result proclaimed throughout the book, reliis a mess. Nevertheless, the issues that Body Count touches on are quite gion is only really embraced in a small chapter at the end. Given the Bennett important. While a lay reader will track record on morality and religion, find it tough going, Body Count is a one wonders why religion does not ."..Y.aiuable reference on the problems of playa larger role in the greater moo' crime in our inner cities. Ml.

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Caffeinated Poetry 11Bestinp. tbe most 3Jmportant (c. 1520)

11Be~tinp, tbe mo~t important )fIfter (.!@ob, gabe mankinb two patbsm:I)ose wI)o cannot teU them apart Will alwaps grow in great error.

m:be first patl) is tbat of frerbom. Witb barbsbips at tbe beginning ]t is ~barp, bifficuIt, tiring, )fInb requires enormous labor. jiut if pou take it for awbile will finb it smootb anb easp. ~berpone on it is bappp )fInb bas aU tbings lIS be wills tbem. ~ou

m:be otber patb is slaberp; ]ts beginning is mo~t ea~p, jiut its enb berp bifficuUm:be slabe'slife is sbeer miser!,. -Biernat of Lublin, a Polish Renaissance Poet Translated by Bogdana Carpenter, a professor of Slavic Studies at the University of Michigan. ,

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wasn1t totally clueless, but perhaps ALKING INTO THE Impound, a bar on the they should stick to doing covers ... east side of Detroit, was After a brief intermission and a like walking in on a different world. frightening excursion to an exceed· My eyes and throat sudin gly denly stung from the dirty ha th · cheap cigarette smoke and I couldn't complete a r (l.ODl , thought because of the loud voices and clamof¥, h Fe i sty ous band. Broad2illa , t Cadavopening for the F eisty erB be· Cadavers and Speedball, gan to was on stage shriE:}king .... . . . . .... .......-.---.- - . pIa y . such epithets as "Cum-Sucking rrntdr music sounded suspiciously like Whore" and other niceties. It was Broadzilla's, but their lyrics were far refreshing to see an all...,.£emale band more unintelligible. The set, though who didn't. sound likelittl~ girlS long, excluded the band's older music. moaning about love~ but,whell, ·ITlle band had dedicated the set to actuallyllstenedto.thelyrica, words . Steve Krass, a band member who was like "ulleducated., rrtinilsc'Ule'vo7 shQt atHarpo~s over Ii year ago, and it seemed s.trange tllat .t heywould play Elizabeth Keslacy is a sta{fwrite.r in his memory, yet not acknowledge for the Review. his work 8$ a musicUm.. The<repeti·

((The moral of the story? Cheap shOWS t 'll ' e h are c eap Jor a reason!" I

me to, t~e a- . shoit nap~ ',wltb. the help ofabeer and some earplugs, of course. I woke up as Speedball began to play. I th.umbedtbrough a Metro Times, butitntnediatelythe music caught my attention., They started ¢i with an unfamiliar song, but soon I was hearing my favorites. They played a good deal off their, recent album. entitled "Do Unto ' Others - Then Split". I hadn't really noticed how bad the sound system was until I heard familiar songs which were musically correct, but sounded horrible because of the acoustics. Speedball was playing a decent "Piss and Moan" when my ride decided that we should leave, ending my night at the Impound. " 'I'he moral of the story? Cheap " show~ " are cheap for a l':"easont If

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Black Crowes Triumphmant in '96 run-ins with the law, and feuding between brothers Chris and Rich, continued as the hits "She Talks To Angels" and a cover of Otis Redding's "Hard To Handle" propelled the band further into the spotlight. After a year and a half of straight touring, the band took a much needed rest. Duringthis time, guitarist Jeff Cease was fired for lack of effort, and the Robinson brothers wrote songs for a new album. Two and half years passed after the release of The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion before Amorica was released at the ~nd of 1994, amid controversy over the album's cover art. Commercially, this is the most attention the album received, although critics in Guitar World and Spin declared the album one of the year's best. On this album, the band's progression is evident in their loose grooves and free·form approach to songwriting, while still maintaining a vision ofthe album as a whole. But July 1996 unleashed the fourth and finest collection of Black Crowes music on the public. Entitled Three Snakes And One Charm, this work is their most focused, containing shorter songs and concise ar_ rangemehts. Tlie·aJ.bumfe~t\itesfu.t- '

BY SIMON EINSPAHR

AND JAMIE SMITH

N THE AGE OF POSTgrunge altern a-schlock, where the most popular bands care more about fashion ability than creating something unique, it is comforting to know there are still bands willing to push the envelope. One of these bands is the Black Crowes, who believe in the power of time-tested rock-n-roll. Using this as the foundation, they add exceptional musicianship, down-home southern flavor) and a knack for songwriting. Combine this with lead singer Chris Robinson's understanding of the human experience and engaging wit, and the result is music that satisfies mind, body, and soul. The Black Crowes originally formed in Atlanta in 1986. From the beginning, the nucleus of the band has been brothers Chris and Rich Robinson. With Rich on guitar, the two began writing songs which would surface on their debut, Shake Your Money Maker, released in March 1990. Fueled by the singles "Jealous Again" and "Twice As Hard," the album began to rise in the charts as the bl¥ld const~t!y, t9~r~d.. , *H9weyerJ tuz:moil_ ~th~~ ~th:e' ~aJ!~,: ~ric1ud~~ ,

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ther experimentation with instruments and styles, from the Beatlesque psychedelia of "Evil Eye" to the rollicking funk. of "(Only) Halfway To Everywhere." The band's new bare bones approach to ~ongwriting is evident in the singles "Good Friday" and "Blackberry" as well as the ballad "Better When You're Not Alone." Rich also treads into uncharted waters with the acoustic "How Much For Your Wings?" sharing lead vocals and playing all of the guitar. The solo is often exchanged for intricate bridges, proving the emphasis on group effort as opposed to their "gunslinger" attitude in the earlier days. The Black Crowes are now stronger than ever. However, they have slipped into coromercial obscurity, relying on their loyal fan base and touring to save them from starvation. But the fact remains that the Black Crowes continue to create music based on the simplicity of down·home rock· n·roll. By fusing elements of past artists intQ their own style, their songs stand as tributes to those who have preceded them while taking the music to new levels. The Crowes are both revisionists and pioneers at the same time. But what will the Black Crowes throw into the blender next? We can't wait'tb'fhid btlt. l\R' , , , :., " , __

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l6ec~mber 11, 1;96 L .__.. ..

~ :Fi{m BY

DAN

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MICHIGAN REVIEW liVING CULTURE

Backyai'd of Buggery

SUCCARDE

T 'S ABOUT TIME THE lesser evolved organisms on this shrinking planet in our "Information Age" got spme moments on the big screen .. .after all, we've owed it to 'em since probably the Ice Age. If you're hoping to see premier perfor-

Microcosmos Directed by Claude Nuridsany and Marie Perannou. Featuring mryiad insects.

mances of the actors and actresses you emulate, this is not your "academy award" of choices. But, if you desire a completely original film experience that captures un preceden ted and highly visual moments and events the human eye to date is completely incapable of, this one's right in "your backyard"-literally. Microcosmos violates the constructs of traditional Hollywood productions. Released in the United States by Miramax Films (perhaps you remember Pulp Fiction, Four Rooms, or Army ofDarkness , amongst several emerging productions to date) and produced by Galatee Films, Microcosmos was spawned by talents of Western Europe and afar. The plot inMicrocosmos involves activities that are really nothing but daily routine to insects, though pure spectacle to the human being. This film concerns itself with life forms most of us walk over and quash without the slightest inkling of awareness - life forms other films ignore on screen. "15 years of research, dozens of 'observation diaries,' 2 years of designing the equipment, 3 years of shooting, and 6 months of editing," directors Claude N uridsany and Marie Perennou, originally biologists-gone film-truly had theiz: "study" cut out for themselves. Including a talented cast like, "Swallow-tail butterfly, Climbing caterpillar, Polist wasps, Stag beetles, and Cousin mosquito and its metamorphosis," it's safe to assume these "actors" weren't bickering with their agents for grandiose contracts after the film's release-though they should have. Though the production team may have gotten a "deal" acquiring the cameo appearances , Nuridsany and Perennou reported that some shots

Dan Succarde is a staff writer for the Review. He is majoring in Film and Video Studies. He used to think bugs J,l.(ere :'bogue. ". . . .. . .

took "forty takes and even more and it took day~ to do the focusing." They also note that, at first, there were probI ems , "considering...depth of field linked to the proximity"that is, tough shots in tight places. Despite the challenges inherent in filming the insect world, the film's array of incorporated techniques climb to new heights which, ironically, arejust above sea level. . Visually, this film's color and fr am e com posi tion are unsurpassed; nature has never looked

pense. In essence, the three act structure was fulfilled in every scene. The audience is rewarded with a situation, conflict, and outcome every step of the way. This pattern is repeated loyally throughout the film -until the screen's ultimate darkness and absence of sound inform us, too, that life's end, as the film's, must draw to an end-at least at some point in time. Above all, this film demonstrates that all forms of life are interrelated and alike in most ways. Our world is not so different from theirs . We all have daily crap to deal with, and so does every other form of existence. The brutality oflife is common. The food chain takes us all into aecount. Each unpredictable day in our lives provides for our greatest uncertainties-proving to be failures and states of contention-as well as even greater moments of triumph. Life forms may definitely be different in size, shape, complexity, and duration; yet it is our interactions, desires, presence, and final destination that we all have in common- in one way or an_. ,,-.-6ther. Mt

Whoa ... easy fellas.

so go~d. ~e s~perb det~l of these orgamsms bodies and theIr encountered objects are good enough to print in botany and biology books . Action driven by subjects only a fraction of an inch fills the frame. The multiplicity of colors radiate from the screen in a quality the world's most visually aesthetic film possesses. Even if you may have no idea of what the formal and Latin names are for the insects that move this documentary shot style film, it'll definitely look pretty. Unique to films of this style, our directors do not bombard us with trivial information. Our narrator, acclaimed British actress Kristin Scott Thomas, simply sets up the experience by postulating an unusaul concept of time where, "an hour is a day, and a day a season." To understand life: "We must listen to its murmurs." As the clouds pass over the horizon and establishing shots follow to fill the screen, each separate occasion draws us further and further into a different scene of a "new" and un discovered world. Nuridsany and Perennou have thus given us the rare opportunity to dismiss our world and share the insects' world from our own point of view. Editors Marie-Josephe Yoyotte and Florence Ricard, original music composer Bruno Coulais, and sound creator Laurent Quaglio must be credited with execution of superb timeliness and creativity. This creativity includes the pacing .of.t~e $~~~ ~f:.

fects, m.any of which had to ~e r:corded ill a sound proof studIO, In coordination with the insects' various antics - yielding usually nothing other than the effect of humor. The film highlights and enforces observed typical characteristics of these specimens of life by portraying their actions in harmony with the aspects we as humans are quite able to relate to-considering the world we have created. The sluggishly moving snails that move closer to each other could only "dance" to a symphonic ballad, of course. The flight pattern of a bee resembles the sounds of our race cars-not much else. We watch in a captivated state and discover another world in the same process. This piece definitely exhibits the fUm medium's capability of provokingan emotional response through its subject matter most of us would not normally be so involved witheven if we did choose to get down on our elbows and knees to observe the minuscule life that fills ponds and parks. By simply witnessing the development ofthese little guys dealing with life's innate and unavoidable annoying momen ts-I was pulling for 'em. Hell, we were all pullin' for em'! I wanted that beetle to make it up that six inch hill with his collected "pebble" of choice. I wanted that ant to get that "morsel of a meal" back to the home front. The symphonic compositions in coalition with the momef.lt'Go.n.slqe!!~q. 9~.s)c~Ele.nI;>\}.iJf§uE\-.

~--------------------------~

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

TO JOIN THE REVIEW! Are you interested in writing about politics, campus affairs, sports, movies, music, theatre, . books, or poetry? Would you like to write for a top notch student publication that offers fresh perspectives on these subjects?

JOIN THE MICHIGAN REVIEW! Are you interested in gaining valuable business experience? We can use editors, writers, photographers, and artists and business staff: This means you! Join us and be an intergral part of the best paper on campus! Stop by our new office at Suite 32 in the Perry Building or call us at 6621909. Also, a-mail us at mrev@umich.edu.

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