vol_17_no_10

UAC Spending Raises Questions $3,691.49 of student money spent on a retreat to the Hyatt Regency

BY LEE BOCKHORN

W

H EN STUDENTS THINK of what their tuition pays for, classes, prof(;'Ssors' salaries, and perpetual campus cons truction aU co me to m ind. But most students wouldn't imagine that their tuition also pa ys for student leaders to eat free at fine Italian restaurants, attend workshops at plush hotels, and buy birthday gifts for University secretaries.

Yet this is exactly what has happened in the case of the Uni.versity Activities Center (UAC), a U-M student organization that sponsors a variety of quality programming for the U-M community. According to UAC's Student Organization Accounts Service (SOAS) statement, UAC has spent its internal funds - which come directly from student tuition - on all of these things.

tee chairs o r executive board memUAC sponsors annual fall and bers."

While the spring retreats are spring retreats for its executive board and committee chairs. According to always held at a campus sight like the Michigan Union, the fall retreats are UAC Coordinator of Finance John sometimes held at off-campus facili Antonini, these retreats are better characteri z ed ties such as as "trainhotel con ference ing sescenters, s ion s which inand include an ov erform UAC members night stay.

UAC mem" how to tap bers feel into some that the fall resources retreats at the Universit y, must be held off [and] how campus "so to go about we can things that they need Yourtuition helped contribute to a great night's sleep have the undivided in their jobs in the lavish suites of the Hyatt Regency. attention of as commit-

'Take Back the Night'

BY C.J. CARNACCHIO

W

OM EN U N ITE! TAKE Back The Night! " This was just one of the . battle cries that echoed through the streets of Ann Arbor on the night of April 17, as hundreds of local w omen participated in the 20 th annual "Take Back the N ight" (TBTN) march.

The TBTN march is organized and sponsored by t.he Ann Arbor Coalition Against Rape (AACAR). According to the march' s program, AACAR and TBTN strive " to increase public awareness [about rape], increase support for survivors of rape, give people accurate information about rape and hold rapists accountable. We also seek to expose the political function of rape in our society - that is, keeping women terrorized and under the control of men." AACAR also believes that "Take

2

Serpent's Tooth

A captured Review pinata from the "Feminist Fair," and a special tribute to Al Gore on page 12.

4

Back the Night is a symbol of our collective commitment that there will come a day when people will no longer need to fear sexualized violence."

The TBTN march' s main purpose is to combat the fear women have to face on a daily basis. According to the program, " Every woman in our community must live in constant fear of sexual assault .. .We are not safe on the streets. We are not safe in our own homes." TBTN seeks to fight this fear through female solidarity, empowerment, and the symbolic act of women gathering together to attempt to claim one night of the year as their own.

Every year the TBTN organizers present a list of demands at the premarch rally. This year some of these demands included: -" domestic violence and sexual assault be considered a HUMAN problem and not just a feminist issue"

From Suite One

Our opinions on the political imbalance of campus speakers, and Bollinger's Naked Mile advice.

6

C.}. and Lee storm the ram-

parts and take on Ann Arbor and the U of M one last time.

See UAC, Page 8

No Men Allowed

-" the media and the general population reevaluate images of women and recognize how these images play a role in sexualized politics" -"men will reprimand other men for sexist and harassing comments" -"men will LISTEN when women say NO" - " locaL state, and federal governments immediately increase funding and support to organizations primarily serving survivors of rape and battering."

One of the most controversial aspects of the TBTN March is its genderbased segregation. Throughout the premarch rally and even in the march's literature, the point was constantly stressed that men were not allowed to participate in the actual march. They were allowed to attend the rally and they were given an alternative event in which to participate, but it was clearly

Review Columnists

all the committee chairs for a certain length of time without people coming and going," said Antonini.

It appears that UAC places a high priority on achieving this " undivided attention." Last October, UAC spent a total of $3,691.49 on meals and room rentals to hold the fall re treat at the Hyatt Regency hotel in Dearborn, according to UAC s SOAS account statement. The year before, the retreat was held at the Novi Hilton.

Antonini believes that this expense is justified. "Speaking on behalf of the entire Executive Board, I know that with the amount of programming UAC does every year, and the number of people that we mobilize and manage, those sorts of expenses are administrative ones that we really cannot do without. Without things like that the

9

stated in the evening's program that, " THE MAR C H IS FOR WOMEN ONLY." " We recognize that many [men] would like to participate in the march.

However, this moment is a forum for women to collectively demonstrate their power to take back the night," according to the TBTN program .

Many critics have chastised the TBTN March because of this sexual segregation. They argue that while AACAR acknowledges rape as both a "community" and a " human" issue in their public rhetoric, the march repudiates these claims by excluding half of the community and half of humanity.

They make the point that, if AACAR wants rape to be viewed as an issue which requires everyone' s attention and action, then they should want as

News & Views

Jesse Jackson comes to U-M, Hash Bash, a humorous look at summer internships, and a whole lot more.

See RALLY, Page 8

15

Living Culture

A critique of the U-M Men's Glee Club concert, and a review of Blur's new album.

2

April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

'1' 111

o SERPENT'S TOOTH

\1 1( 1111, \'\. 1< 1 \ II \\

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan 'I'm a pacifist, man, dig it?'

EDITORIAl BOARD

Well, it's time for SAPAC's all-time favorite event, in which 1,000 guys and about 100 girls go running "nekkid" through the streets of Ann Arbor. A little known fact: according to SAPAC statistics, 900 of those men would commit rape if they could get away with it. The other 100? They're laughing their asses off at SAPAC' s stupid statistics!

According to SAPAC, wymyn are often "raped" without even realizing it.

In fact, every womyn rurming in the event will receive a letter a week after the fact, informing them that they had all been violently raped the week before. Coincidentally, many members of SAPAC were seen rurming in the Naked Mile, hoping to get lucky .....

President Lee" Mophead" Bollinger recently sent out a letter to alI graduating seniors, imploring them not to take part in the annual ritual. That way, when he decides to run down South 0., he gets the spotlight!

In its latest issue, the Michigan Independent gave grades to various campus publications in its vaunted "Report Card" (which is essentially their lame equivalent of Serpent's Tooth).

The Review received a C-. Oh, we're so disappointed. Meanwhile, we're still trying to figure out if the Independent is trying to be V-M's version of The Nation or Vogue .. . (A "Fashion Page"? Please.)

As this issue goes to print, the crisis in Kosovo continues as the V.s. battles the world's current evil villain, Slobodan MiIosevic. Is it just us, or does the name "Slobodan Milosevic" sound like the bad guy in a James Bond movie? Speaking of which, why do real life bad gu ys get the coolest names, like "Saddam Hussein" or "James Cameron?"

Serpent's Tooth isvery angry with the situation in Kosovo. We want MSA to pass a resolution and stop the war.

Furthermore, we want to call back

Maureen Hartford to write up a "Code of Serbian Conduct." Trust me, if the Serbs know what's good for them, they'll listen to Queen Maureen!

While driving around Ann Arbor, one can't help but notice the desecration of the stop signs in various parts of the city . Often, one will see a sign with a PC message conveniently spray-painted below the word "Stop." Some of these phrases include "killing animals" and "rape." Serpent's Tooth would like to suggest the phrase "vandalizing stop signs" for future use.

Our Technology Czar tails us that you haven't visited our web site.

He is angry. Keep abreast of campus happenings, check out our hilarious web exclusives, share past Serpent's with your loved ones, and sign up for the free email edition of the Review, at...

www.umlch.edul-mI.8Y

Feisty Feminists Take Out Their Frustration A few weeks ago, a "feminist fair" took place here in Ann Arbor(there'sa shock).

The apparent purpose of the event was to unite "wymyn" as they take out theiranger on the evil white male patriarchy, symbolized by nothing less than everyone's favorite tool of the vast right wing conspiracy, the Michigan Review. You see, itturns out that the feminists had decorated their little fair with pinatas wrapped in old issues of the Review. Written on the pif'latas were words like "capitalism," "revolution" and " smash the state." The lucky feminist who managed to break the pinata was rewarded with a cornucopia of treats, such as Hershey's Ki sses. Sweet Tarts, and shiny new pennies. Right now you may be wonderingjust exactly how we at the Review know all of this. Well , it just so happens that one of our loyal minions had been strategically planted at the fair to spy on this group ofdeviants who dared to oppose the Natural OrderofThings. We were initially worried that the fact that our special agent is male would give him away, but for some reason he seemed to blend in quite well with the feminists. Go figure. Anyway, our agent managed to confiscate an untouched pii'lata, which now hangs proudly in the office of the Review for all to see.

Ransom has not yet been set.

Matthew Schwartz

EDITOR·IN-CHIEF: PUBLISHER: MANAGING EDITOR: NEWS EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR: FEATURES EDITOR: ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER: ONLINE EDITOR:

Sang Lee Jacob Oslick Ryan Painter Julie Jeschke Dave Gulpe Dror Baron Benjamin Rousch

EDITORIAL STAFF MUSIC EDITOR: ILLUSTRATOR: ONLINE STAFF:

Chris Hayes Astrid Phillips Michael Rosen

STAFF WRITERS: Michael Austin, John Bach, Scott Behnan, Hal Borilow, Brian Cook, Jay Figurski, An· drew Golding, Geoff Hanson, Amol Parulekar, Niki Piotrowski, Curtis Robinson, Adam Spindler, William Wetmore, Ann Yeager, James Yeh

EDITOR·AT·LARGE: EXECUTIVE EDITOR: EDITORS EMERITI:

Lee Boc:khom

C.J. Carnacc:hlo Benjamin Kepple Geoff Brown

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian Opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U-M. Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just.

Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review.

The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous contributors to the Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative ofthe Reviews editorial stance. The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal.

The torch has been passed, Please address all advertising and subscription inquiries to: Publisher clo the Michigan Review.

Editorial And Business Offices: 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109·1265 EMAIL: mrev@umich.edu URL: http://wNw.umich.edul-mrev Tel. (734) 647-3438 Fax (734) 936-2505 Copyright \0 1999, by The Michlgln Review, Inc. AH I1ghU ra8lVtd. The 1oIi:h/gMt Rmew Is • "*'Iber of the Collegille Network.

• ,\ \. I J -.. • '/ \ \ I II.

The offical "Feminist Fair" Michigan Review pinata, complete with handwritten exterior slogans such as "International Workers' Revolution!" and "Smash the State!" You can also see the evil word "Capitalism" written in bold letters on the pinata's exterior. Yes, we've come from world proletarian revolution, to smashing pinatas that say "capitalism." Marx must be rolling over in his grave ... But we're sure enjoying all that yummy capitalist candy we found on the inside! Mmmmmmmmmmm ........ .

II. iI.· I

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The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI48109 or e-mail with subject "Letters to the Editor": mrev@umich.edu

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April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o FROM SUITE ONE U - M Should Promote Ideological Diversity \ rwfflr;ED I WILL

T

HIS PAST YEAR AT U-M HAS SEEN THE CONTINUATION OF A disturbing trend: a continuous stream of liberal to far left speakers have visited Ann Arbor to share their "wisdom" with adoring crowds of U-M faculty, administrators, and wide-eyed students. So far, we have been treated to Gloria Steinem, Greenpeace founder Paul Watson, lunatic gubernatorial candidate Geoffrey Fieger, masturbation evangelist Jocelyn Elders, racial preferences apologist William Bowen, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and just this past weekend, ultraliberal Minnesota senator Paul Wells tone. On the rare occassions when conservatives have appeared, they have done so not as individuals but as part of panels--such as Elizabeth Dole's participation at a recent U-M panel on women in politics, or Abigail Thernstrom's appearance at a "Diversity Theme Semester" event.

Similarly, the U-M has hosted a veritable cornucopia of bizarre radical conferences and workshops this year. The Review has chronicled many of these, including a recent lecture by radical feminist Carol Adams on "The Sexual Politics of Meat," a workshop on the evils of "white privilege," and last but not least, the "Diversity" theme semester.

This trend is nothing new or surprising. In October 1997 we published an analysis of the political leanings of campus speakers ("Campus Speakers: Too Left?" October 29, 1997) which found that during a two year period, over 75% of U-M campus speakers whose speeches included political content could be classified as "tending liberal."

For an institution that constantly engages in moral preening about its gallant defense of " diversity," Michigan is doing a pitiful job of providing students with a balanced variety of political viewpoints. True education comes when a person is exposed to many different ideas and is allowed to judge them on their merits.

Similarly, an institution shows true "diversity" and intellectual courage when it can offer a pIa tform for speakers who may challenge tha t institu tion' s fundamental assumptions and worldview. Thus, the University should make a better effort to offer students alternatives to the homogeneous slate of speakers and events that currently comes to campus. For every race-baiting ideologue like Jesse Jao son, there exist distinguished black and Hispanic conservatives like Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele, and Linda Chavez, all of whom could offer students a much different and just as compelling take on racial issues as Jackson. For every radical feminist like Steinem, there are intelligent and eloquent critics of radical feminism, such as Christina Hoff Sommers or Wendy Shalit.

Bringing in such alternative speakers would bring a welcome breath of fresh air to the University's political discourse. This is not to say that the campus would suddenly become ardently conservative if these speakers were brought to U-M. However, as we noted in our 1997 report, a general trend towards one direction or the other in the political leanings of speakers can serve as a "reinforcement" mechanism, helpmg students who already lean towards a particular political viewpoint gairi more conviction in their beliefs. Conversely, by bringing in a set of ideologically diverse speakers, the U-M could challenge students to reassess their current beliefs--a key goal of a liberal education.

Since it is not unexpected that the administration and relevant student groups (MSA, UAC etc.) have failed to provide ideological balance, a good deal of the blame for this state of affairs must also rest at the feet of conservative and libertarian groups on campus, such as the College Republicans, Objectivists, College Libertarians, the Law School's chapter of the Federalist Society, and yes, even the Review. We cannot recall a single important, relatively well known rightleaning speaker that these groups have brought to U-M within the past year. To be fair, these groups lack the institutional backing and University resources that are usually provided to the groups who bring in leftist speakers. However, there are many conservative groups, such as the Intercollegiate Studies Institute and Young America's Foundations, who respond to the political homogeneity of campus speakers, by sponsoring the appearance of articulate and forceful conservatives on college campuses.

A solution to the imbalance would appear to lie in a combination of greater grassroots efforts by campus conservatives and libertarians to bring in Jikeminded speakers, and more thoughtful consideration by the admiriistration and student leadership (MSA, etc.) of their duty to provide the canlpus with a wide "range of viewpoints. Thus, we hope, for instance, that the U-M takes advantage of next year's" Morality Theme Semester" to find relevant speakers who promote traditional values, free markets, and the free society. Only then can the U-M say that it truly possesses the vaunted "marketplace of ideas" which is supposed to be such a vital aspect of the college experience. l\R

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Bollinger's Losing "Streak" s OF THIS WRITING, THE

14TH RUNNING OF THE NAKED MILE is still several days away, but the Bollinger Administration is already showing signs of intervention. With the backing of the Ann Arbor Police Department and Mayor Ingrid Sheldon, the administration released statements a few days ago that urged students to refrain from participating in the event.

This approach is predictable, but unfortunate. Since its first running, the Naked Mile has grown into a well-planned and highly publicized tradition unique to the University of Michigan. School traditions, such as the Naked Mile and Princeton's Nude Olympics, have been part of the quintessential college experience sirice time immemorial; it is regrettable that just as participation in our tradition heightens, so do the Bollinger Administration's notions that it must intervene. Interestingly, if the Administration is truly concerned about students falling victim to problems such as pornographers, it should urge higher turnouts, and thus ensure greater anonymity. In contrast, a successful drive by Bollinger to lower participation would leave a small group of helpless runners fending off hoards of cameramen all by themselves.

Luckily, all President Bollinger has done thus far is send letters to students discouraging participation and warning of the risks involved with the Naked Mile. Let us hope that that is not only the beginning, but also the end of the administration's meddling iri its students' lives. Specifically, we urge President Bollinger not to repeat the mistake that the Princeton University Board of Trustees made in February, when itcalled for the ban of the Nude Olympics.

The move not only alienated the vast majority of the student body, but was also highly irrational. Although, Princeton administrators cited "excessive and indiscriminate use of alcohol" as their prime concern, it does not appear that banning it will succeed iri ameliorating such a problem - considering one need not be nude to drink irresponsibly. Furthermore, experience at other campuses demonstrates that, naked or not, students drink heavily on the last day of classes.

It should be emphasized that the photographers and news teams have every right to take footage of the Naked Mile. As the run takes place on public property, it constitutes part of the public domain, accessible to eveyone. Before running, students should carefully weigh the risks associated with photographers, and recognize they will lack any legal recourse to sue afterwards. Yet, for those intent to run, but cautious about their identity logical solutions do exist, such as wearing a disguise. Still, whether to run or not must remain an individual's choice, and an individual's responsibility.

It is commendable that the U-M is taking actions to make students aware of the repercussions involved with the Naked Mile. However, it should limit its responsibility to informing students about the risks, not to suggesting a course of action. Under no circumstances, should it take more severe steps, or attempt to mimic the dress-code enforced at Princeton. If it rejects this advice, Bollinger will continue his losing streak on behalf of students, begun by his misguided efforts to get a better office. l\R

A

April 21, 1999

5

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o THE "POLLYS" The 1999 Top Five Politically Correct Campus Outrages!

Is Political Correctness dead on the American College Campus?

Five incidents over the past few months prove it is alive and well.

Each earned a "Polly" from the Intercollegiate Studies Institute's (lSI) 1999 Campus Outrage Awards. Students nationwide were invited to nominate their campus's most outrageous examples of Pc. And the 1999 Polly winners are ...

1. The FeminL<;t lvJajority at Ohio State Unillersity: After a cartoon satirizing the Women's Studies major appeared in the February 16 issue of the "Lantern," Ohio State's daily newspaper, a group of radical feminists, claiming tha t the cartoon" insults both feminists and witches," publicly discussed burning, soaking, or stealing the newspapers in protest. They called on students to harass the "Lantern" and its cartoonist, sophomore Bob Hewitt, for insensitivity. The next morning more than 15,000 copies of the newspaper were stolen from campus distribution points. Hours later, the feminists protested at the center of campus. Despite denying the theft, one of the group leaders told a journalist that" it' s within my first amendment rights to steal."

That night, when the Feminist Majority took their protest to Hewitt's home, they brought matches. The feminists set about burning their bras on the cartoonist's front porch. Their attempts were fruitless as the fire-retardant bras would not light. The next day, the "Lantern" canceled Hewitt's cartoon. To protest this censorship, Hewitt and his supporters hung posters all over campus. This led the Feminist Majority president to confront Hewitt's supporters. Mter ripping down Hewitt's posters she used a stack of them to attack a Hewitt supporter: "She as-

saulted me, she hit me in the face," said college sophomore Chris Honar. The offensive against the politically incorrect cartoonist bore fruit: after a twoyear career as a "Lantern" cartoonist, Hewitt was fired from the paper.

2. Anti-Racist Organizing Committee

at the Unillersity of Texas: For the totalitarian treatment accorded to guest speaker Ward Connerly, a foe of racial preferences who lectures on civil rights around the country. On March 8, a mob of student hecklers, members of the Anti-Racist Organizing Committee (AROC), gathered outside the Law School auditorium chanting and banging on the walls and doors to disrupt "Uncle Tom" Connerly's speech. Inside the auditorium things were no better, thanks to the AROC crew.

Connerly was interrupted more than one hundred times in a twenty minute period with loud banging on desks, clapping, and shouting . When Connerly, who is black, spoke of his segregation-era childhood, one mob member yelled out, "With a white mother!" Mter Connerly asked campus police to remove hecklers, a protester yelled "Gonna stand behind the white man again?" The AROC mob held up posters with slogans like: "Protect Free Speech - Shut Connerly Up!" Despite a week of advance warning of the sabotage, Law School Dean Michael Sharlot did not pr 2vent the disruption.

Sharlot also refuses to file disciplinary charges against the AROC students.

3. The Ivy League: For the continued use of "I, Rigoberta Menchu," the autobiography of a Guatemalan Marxist agitator, in courses at all eight Ivy League colleges (Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, University of Pennsylvania, Princeton, and Yale). For fifteen years academics have konized Menchu, a spokesman for guerrilla terrorists, as a victim of oppression. The Menchu book was

exposed as a hoax in a "New York Times" front-page article reporting on the research of anthropologist David Stoll. Stoll claims that in her account of genocide, Menchu describes experiences "she never had herself" and fabricates the story to gain sympathy for a Communist guerrilla movement to topple Guatemala's government. Pivotal facts she lied about include the burning dea th of her brother, her childhood poverty (she was sent to private boarding school), and her father's battle against rich, oppressive landowners (a family dispute). Despite blatant lies and fabrication throughout the Menchu biography, course catalogs from the Ivy League colleges display Menchu's enormous influence. At Princeton, her flawed book is taught in Politics 431, "Seminar in Comparative Politics: Power and Protest," which is a reqtiirement for a Princeton degree in Political Science. The book is still a staple in the History and Latin American Studies departments at the University of Pennsylvania. And at Harvard it remains part of the reading list for Professor of Anthropology Davjj Maybury-Lewis' Anthropology 184, "Ethnicity in the Americas: The

Indian Question."

4. Princeton University: For its hiring of Peter Singer as the DeCamp Professor of Bioethics at the Center for Human Values, starting July 1, 1999.

Singer, a founding member of the animal rights movement, has earned the nickname "Professor Death" due to his extremist beliefs on infanticide and euthanasia. He believes people with certain disabilities are inferior to dogs, pigs, and monkeys and might be better off if killed shortly after birth.

5. Student GOllernment at

Unillersi~y

of Wisconsin-Madison: For passing a bill allowing for mandatory university-collected student fees to be used to pay the bail of student protesters tmprisoned for radical activism and civil disobedience. The measure was adopted as a result of the arrest of two student government representatives illegally disrupting a speech given by Wisconsin' s governor Tommy Thompson. Radicals arguing in favor of the measure spoke of how cool" it would be to have thousands of dollars to" play with" in case of arrest. W II

Farewell to the Michigan Review's Graduating Seniors!

Lee Bockhorn: Former editor-in-chief, 1998-99. Lee is graduating with a B.M. in

Music Performance, specializing in percussion. He has been transferred by The Man to another branch of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. He'll be interning at the Weekly Standard, a Washington D.C conservative rag. We desperately hope not to hear any stories involving Lee, a cigar, and Fred Barnes.

CJ. Carnacchio: Executive editor, 1999. CJ. is graduating with a B.GS. ("General Studies" degree). He has been chased from Ann Arbor by an odd coalition of militant feminists, homosexuals, and Islamic Fundamentalists. Hiding out in a small Michigan town, c.J. plans to begin his meteoric rise through American journalism by starting out at a local weekly.

Benjamin Rousch: Online editor and former campus affairs editor. Ben is graduating with a B.A. in Anthropology. Ben has a telepathic link with our computers, and it is rumored that when he leaves, our computers will cease to be.

We hope it's nothing more thana rumor.

Another year has passed., and once again you are kicking yourself for not joining the Review.

Robert Wood: Sports editor, 1997-98. Rob graduated in the winter with a degree in aerospace engineering. Currently a full time ITO slave, Rob will soon be getting paid to design rockets.

Join US next year!

Thomas Jolliffe: Arts Editor, 1996-98, leaves the dear Review as well. But fear not, for next year he will be indoctrinating er ... instructing America's youth in the conservative doctrine, as a member of Teach for America.

Want to get a head start and

Christopher Hayes: Music editor, 1996-99. This man has connections. He doesn't need BMG or Columbia House; he's buddy-buddy with the record producers themselves! If anyone wants any free CDs, give him an e-mail...

write for the summer issue .

ail: mrev{ii2umich.ed

Matthew Buckley: Contributing editor, 1998, and former managing editor. Matt is actually graduating with a triple major in political science, economics, and philosophy. With all those degrees, he'll never be hurtin' for a job!

Andrew Golding: Staff writer, 1997-98. Resident basketball expert. Word has it that Andrew has reached a secret deal with an unnamed NBA team, and will be the new center. (These reports have yet to be confirmed.)

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

6

April 21, 1999

o SEND LAWYERS, GUNS & MONEY

Fear and Loathing in Ann Arbor

N

EXT MONTH, AFTER suffering five torturous years in this academic concentration camp, I am finally going to be paroled. I will gleefully leave the People' s Republic of Ann Arbor and head out into the real world .

Yes, the real world. A place where ordinary people understand that the Sixties ended on January 1, 1970. A place w here ordinary people do not celebrate Chairman Mao's birthday as a religious holiday. A place where ordinary people don' t throw a holy fit if the grocery store is out of organicallygrown ginseng root or free-range goat's milk. A place where ordinary people don't own a pair of dress Birkenstocks and a pair of casual Birkenstocks.

Sadly, this is my last column for the Review. But fear not gentle reader.

This is not going to be one of those sappy Daily-esque farewell columns where I reflect on the loss of my innocence (which is now available on video), my happy care-free college days (I believe I had a total of three), or start thanking all the people who influenced me (1' d like to thank that anonymous sorority girl who made me a man in the bathroom of Phi Delt House).

No, gentle reader, this column is about hate. Pure, unadulterated, ripoff-your-arms-and-beat-you-over-thehead-with-them hate. It is my magnus opus of bitterness and resentment, directed toward 98 percent of the swinish multitude which comprises this Orwellian nightmare known as the People's Republic of Ann Arbor. Without further ado, as Judge Mills Lane would say, " let's get it on!"

Summer "Dis"Orientation Why don't we call it what it is brainwashing. Here's the real message of summer disorientation : "White males are evil. They are racist, sexist, homophobes who drink babies' blood at Free Mason ceremonies. When they are not polluting the environment or oiling the capitalist machine with the blood of the workers, they are genetically engineering new diseases like AIDS to be spread through minority and gay communities. Ronald Reagan is the anti-Christ."

Dorms - Are you interested in living in a sanitary environment with gourmet cuisine, friendly neighbors, and a courteous, hard-working service staff? Then don't live in the dorms.

Dorm life is about three levels below living in a hut made of cow dung in Bangladesh. If you think Third World countries smell like urine, try living in Alice Lloyd. Even Sally Struthers wouldn' t visit our dorms. By the way, someone bring me the skull of Housing Czar Willam Zeller. I need a new ash-

tray . And Public Relations Lackey Alan Levy's skull too. I need a matching candy dish.

The Homeless - In the past I have suggested possible solutions to Ann Arbor's homeless dilemma, such as "feeding the homeless to the homeless." But alas, they were never implemented. Here's my final suggestion to this most serious issue: mass enslavement of the homeless. Think about it. Why should American corporations exploit Third World workers when we have a vast supply of untapped human capital just begging to be exploited right here? Economically it makes more sense. Homeless slaves, unlike greedy Third World laborers, don' t have to be paid.

Slaves work for free! It also makes more sense in a Pat Buchanan America First way. I say Americans should exploit Americans. Don't like that idea?

Okay, new plan. It involves the homeless and a rocket aimed dt the sun ....

"-Take Back the Night - The march has all the warmth, charm, and tolerance of the Nuremburg rallies of the 1930s. These Ovarian Totalitarians and Fallopian Fascists are truly fighting for liberation - they want to liberate every man's genitalia from his body .

Hash Bash - Such a large gathering of human debris would afford the perfect opportunity to do a little spring cleaning of the gene pool. A neutron bomb aimed directly at the Diag that day would go a long way to solving future unemployment and welfare problems!

Coffee Houses - There are always two things brewing in the local temples to the God Java: coffee and revolution. Where else can you hear some pseudo-intellectual twit order a half-caff, mocha, latte with skim milk and plot the workers' revolution at the sa,me time?

AgendaMagazine - Ann Arbor's answer to Pravda.

Department of Public Safety What do you get when you cross Deputy Barney Fife with the Gestapo?

DPS. DPS should spend less time breaking up parties and more time doing genuine public service work - like shooting BAMN members.

Frat Swine and Sorwhority Chicks - Living monuments to the fact that the pro-choice camp may have some valid arguments after all.

MIM Notes and RAIL - Communism is dead . You guys lost. Please accept the judgment of history and do

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C.J. Caruecltle.

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the honorable thing. Remember, make sure the noose is tight enough, otherwise ....

Shaman Drum Bookstore - I only have one thing to say to the staff of this pathetic little Bohemian bookstore: Soap. Water. Deodorant. Ladies' razors. Ever hear of any of this stuff?

Contrary to what you guys may think, personal hygiene is NOT a conspiracy

by The Man to keep you down.

College Republicans - It seems like all these Bob Dole wannabes have done during my five year tour of duty is chalk sidewalks, throw pizza parties, and forge Review press passes.

No wonder this campus is overrun by Leftists.

College Libertarians - As P.J. O'Rourke said, "I would never join a political party that couldn't scrape up enough people to finish off a keg of beer." Maybe these ideological halfwits would be more effective if they didn' t spend all their time arguing for the privatization of the sidewalk and trying to contact Ayn Rand with a ouija-board.

Michigan Student Assembly Where else can corrupt, opportunistic political whores (Students' Party) join hands with left-wing radicals (DAAP / BAMN) to collectively screw the student body out of $500,000 on a yearly basis? There's only one way to reform the MSA - sharpen the guillotines at once.

The Student Code of Conduct YeS Virginia there is a Satan and her

name is Maureen Hartford . Even though Queen Maureen is leaving us, her twisted, unconstitutional legacy lives on in the Code.

Student Activists - If you think political discourse should always begin with "Hey, hey! Ho, hol. .. " you might be a student activist. If you refer to the police as "agents of The Man" or "imperialist swine" you might be a student activist. If you think Jessica Curtin is the Joan of Arc of social justice activism instead of a common street thug, you might be a student activist. If you try to teach tolerance to the Ku Klux Klan by inciting a riot, you might be a student activist.

Environmentalist Wackos - Just thought I'd give you guys my itinerary for this year's Earth's Day - 8am: Wake up and tum on all electrical appliances.

9am: Take 3 hour shower just to waste water. Noon: Enjoy healthy meal of poached dolphin with a side of panda salad. 2pm: Bum styrofoam on charcoal grill while dumping uSed motor oil into neighbor's storm drain. 3pm: Go for drive in my 1966 Buick Roadmaster which gets approximately 1 mile to the gallon. 6pm: Finish plans for condo in rainforest. 10pm: Go to bed and dream about big game hunting in Africa withTeddy Roosevelt.

I would like to conclude my column and my school career by quoting that great philosopher, poet, and song stylist, South Parks Eric Cartman; "Screw you guys! I'm goin' home." .M{ .

Apri121,1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

7

o LANTERNS &LANCES

In Defense of the Review DITING THE REVIEW HAS, for me, been anything but dull.

While we often receive letters which praise us for having the courage to say what many others also believe but are afraid to say themselves, we also get batches of angry denunciations after every issue. Certainly there is no shortage of people on campus who wouldn't mind seeing us disappear." So, in my final contribution to the pages of this Lee journal, I offer herewith a deBockhorn fense of the Review s necessity on campus, and an explanation of why I walked into Suite One of the League to join this plucky publication three years ago.

E

II

TheAfkhiganRevieHnW~founded

in 1982 as one of a handful of conservative campus newspapers across the country. Since then, similar publications have sprung up on over 70 campuses nationwide, with more forming every year. Why this sudden outburst of conservative student journalism?

Since the l%Os, American universities have been taken over by a radical and intolerant branch of the Left - one that preaches tolerance," yet institutes speech codes and allows student radicals to shout down speakers and burn student newspapers; one that praises diversity," yet ostracizes faculty and students who stray from the politically correct party line; one that extols the failed philosophies of Marx, while its tenured radicals earn high salaries paid from tax revenue created by a triumphantly prosperous free-market economy.

The Left claims that the follies of today's campuses, such ~ the "P.c." phenomenon, are simply anecdotal incidents which are exaggerated by conservatives. Really? Tell that to former Arizona State drama professor Jared Sakren, who was fired l~t year for teaching and producing Shakespeare's plays while refusing to change their endings to suit radical feminist sensibilities. Tell that to the U-M student enrolled in Poli Sci 111 in the early 90s who w~ accused of sexual harassment" by his T A for a harmless (if II

II

II

Lee Bockhom is the editor-at-Iarge of the Review. The "at-large" part is sort of ironic, since he looks as if he'd be blown over rather easily by a moderate gust of wind.

unnecessarily tacky) example he used in one of his papers. Tell that to the editors of the Afichigan Daily, who had half their press run stolen one day in 1996 because someone deemed one of their articles racist."

If it w~n' t for the Review and other papers like it, most students or alumni would never hear about these travesties. Students would also have no idea that there is an intellectual alternative to the feel-good liberalism so prevalent on campuses. The Review will always be able to play an important dual role as both a campus watchdog for academic freedom, and as a place where students can be exposed to ideas they won't hear much about in their classes. While students are primarily exposed to leftist thinkers like Chomsky, Marx, and Marcuse in their classes, they might also pick up the Review (or even join the staff) and learn about conservative thinkers like Burke, Hayek, Strauss, Freidman, and II

misadventures of our administrators and student government. Why? Because the Daily's editors essentially share the basic worldview of the administration: one of bland, mindless liberalism, with unexamined credence given to the oh-so-ob,,:ious virtues of multiculturalism, "social and economic justice," Chicken Little environmentalism, and moral relativism.

Do you really expect them to question or examine the fundamental ~sump足 tions of this University? Of course not.

In reality, then, it is young conservatives who make up the true counterculture" on today's campuses - not the wannabe 19605 activist types like SOLE, who practically received an engraved invitation to hold their" sitin" in the President's office by Mr. Bollinger himself.

How can conservatives be a true "counterculture," you ask? Let me explain. I've had the good fortune to see much of the United States in my nearly II

Being a conservative campus journalist is often akin to the mythical Sisyphus rolling his rock up the hill only to always find himself back at the bottom; you often feel like you are fighting a losing battle.

Weaver, to name a few .

In addition to fighting for academic freedom and conservative ide~, the Review tries to have a little fun. By far the most popular (and of course, most hated) regular feature in the Reviewis Serpent's Tooth, our humor page. In Serpent's we take direct aim at the oversensitized, self-righteous atmosphereof the modern campus by lampooning various campus activists, student politicos, and bungling administrators, ~ well ~ the looniest happenings on both campus and the national stage. We also sporadically include humor inserts, such ~ our friendly spoof of the Daily, the Afichigan De-

lay.

,

Having mentioned the Daily, I should say a brief word about campus journalism at U of M. While the Review h~ never been reluctant to 1am~te the Daily, we also know that publishing a daily newspaper is a daunting endeavor for a group of college students, and the folks at 420 Maynard do a fairly commendable job covering campus goings-on. However, they rarely take a truly critical look at issues like U-M's lack of a core curriculum, the fairness or legality of racial preferences in our admissions policies, or the

23 years of life - from the bleak desert

vistas of the American West, to the urban bustle of Chicago and Los Angeles; from the bluebonnet-blanketed hill country of Texas, to the white snowscapes of Michigan in winter. I've also had the fortune of meeting lots of different Americans, too, and I can honestly say that this is a big, beautiful . country full of decent, good-hearted people; a country built on fundamental principles that resonate deep within the hearts of all Americans.

Unfortunately, I have also learned in my 5 years at Michigan that this is not the picture of America that most of academia sees, and that for several decades America's professoriate h~ been teaching the nation's future elites to, in essence, hate their country. At UM in particular, there seems to exist a grand mission: "Between Orientation and Commencement, we are dedicated to eradicating every ~t trace of the racist, sexist, homophobic, and patriarchal values you so obviously arrived with on campus as a child of sick, oppressive American bourgeoisie culture:" Now America is a creation of human beings, and, human things being what they are, it is necessarily imperfect It is this quintessentially con-

servative sense of perspective which academia seems to lack today more than anything. When I first picked up a copy of the Reviewas a freshman, I felt I had found a group of intelligent people who possessed that sense of perspective. They seemed to understand that America is basically a decent country, and that our universities do have an obligation to pass on the great heritage of Western Civilization to their students. That is why I walked into the Review s office three Septembers ago.

My hope is that, 20 or 30 years from now, papers like the Reviewwon't even be necessary, and the oddities of the modem American university speech codes, "sensitivity training," dorm lounges names after Communists - will simply be historical absurdities; humorous relics of a bizarre era long since vanished. But realistically that outcome is doubtful, so the Review will continue to stand up for the bedrock principles which made our nation the most free and prosperous in history, but which have few friends today in academia: individual liberty and responsibility, the rule of law, limited constitutional government, true liberal arts education, rigorous academic standards, and an enduring moral order.

Being a conservative campus journalist is often akin to the mythical Sisyphus rolling his rock up the hill only to always find himself back at the bottom; you often feel like you are fighting a losing battle. But ~ Dante wrote, "The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality." In the battle to restore sanity to America's campuses, the Review h~ (thank God) never been neutral, and never will be. Though the odds are long, the cause is noble and the struggle worthwhile. Like itor not, the Michigan Reviewis here to stay at U-M, and it will continue to provide the U-M campus with a perspective that is both unique and vital. Mt

8

April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

UAC Continued from page 1 programming would not happen."

According to Antonini, the retreats "serve as a way to develop our leaders and give them the resources they need to program more effectively ... Internal development is essential in our organization, as in all organizations, to motivate people and improve our programming."

Most students are probably also unaware that, unlike most other student leaders at U of M, UAC's Executive Board and Committee Chairs receive small stipends for their service.

Executive Board members can receive up to $300 per term, and committee chairs up to $150 per term. According to Antonini, "So many of [the committee chairs] put hours and hours into this sort of thing, that it's really a minimal stipend for the sort of hours and time that they're doing."

UAC's stipends are unique in that they are preformance-based, said Antonini. "There are a lot of committee chairs who will walk away with almost none of their stipend at the end

Rally Continued from page 1 many people, both men and women, as possible to participate in the TBTN March.

FrankIe said that AACAR discussed allowing men to participate in this year's march, but there was an overwhelming negative response from the community to this idea. Many felt the march should remain a symbol of female solidarity and empowerment and that the presence of men would undermine this goal.

"There needs to be a women-only march until men essentially accept tha t women saying no is okay," FrankIe said. "Women need to be able to say that this is our space and our time." . AACAR member Brent Costello does not mind the fact that even though he helped organize TBTN he is excluded from participation in the march .

"The march itself is a focus for women to help them get to a status ill society and a position that they're not at right now, but where they should be. For them to be able to go out there and do that themselves is a very important thing."

Instead of marching, the men were asked to participate in an alternate activity called "Make A Statement" This activity consisted of either forming a drum circle or making Diag boards for next year's rally and march. Due to the rain the drum circle was canceled, and the handful of men which remained proceeded to the LSA building where they made the Diag Boards.

FrankIe explained the reasoning

of the year if they have not performed to how we felt was most accountable to the student body. We closely tie it into that, so it's not like they can just sign up and walk away with some sort of financial benefit at the end. It's a way for us to improve our programming by using that as a performance evaluation method."

UAC members also appear willingtospend UAC funds on items which argua bly could be paid for with their own personal money. For example, the UAC SOAS statement shows that $76.99 was spent on March 11 of this year to buy a birthday gift for Mary Kisor, UAC's paid secretary. Why was it necessary to use UAC money for this purchase, instead of contributions from UAC members' own funds? "One reason is that UAC is governed like a University department as opposed to a student organization, in the sense that we're allocated the money every term," said Antonini. "In that respect we are allowed to exercise freedom in terms of how we - for instance, in that situation we have a staff member that we have to take care of, just like any other University department or area would do, and I feel like that's a pretty legitimate sort of activity that

occurs elsewhere."

UAC also traditionally holds a year-end banquet for the outgoing Executive Board and committee chairs.

This year the dinner was held on April 16 at Palio, an upscale Italian restaurant in Ann Arbor. Antonini said that UAC spent "maybe $10 a person" on this meal, which" maybe thirty people" attended. In addition, the SOAS statement shows that $100.69 was spent on April 1 of this year on a dfrmer for UACs new Executive Board.

Antonini defended these expenses as well. "The majority of our Executive Board and committee chair members put in endless hours - some, I would guess, in excess of twenty to thirty hours per week above and beyond their academic load" he said. "The sorts of things that we do - like the training sessions at the beginning of the year, the end of the year dinner as a sort of 'thank you' event - I think are, especially compared to the amount of programming that we do throughout the University, fairly justified in that they are such a small percentage of our total revenue."

Although UAC spends money which ultimately comes from student tuition, they do not release a detailed

breakdown of that spending to students. The only figure made public is the amount of the total allocation released annually to UAC by the the University. Antonini said this is not because UAC is trying to withold information. "If someone inquires, we answer their questions. We receive very few to no inquiries each year about our programming and non-programming spending/' he noted.

To ensure fiscal accountability, SOAS audits UAC annually . Kim Showsh, Director of SOAS, monitors UAC's financial integrity on a daily basis. Additionally, Frank Cianciola, Associate Dean of Students, and Susan Wilson, Director of Student Activitiesand Leadership, oversee UAC's operations.

Antonini reiterated that" the student body has voiced no concern about the use of their U AC fees." This response, however, seems to beg the question: if students did know more details about UAC's spending practices, would they be more concerned?

It may help to draw a comparison with another student organization

for the creation of this male alternative to the TBTN march. "The role of men in TBTN was something that was considered very heavily in this year's AA C A.R. After much deliberation we decided to keep the march women only, while also having an alternate activity for men. We did this because though we desperately want to acknowledge the role of men's support and activism in this movement, we also feel that there still is an important need for women to come together and create a force all of their own."

For the first time in the TBTN march's history a man was allowed to speak at the rally. A local poet, Aaron CeIious, recited a poem he wrote and dedicated to all the survivors of sexual violence entitled "It's Not Unbelieveable."

Frankleexplained thatCelious was allowed to speak "as a part of our desire to acknowledge the men who are involved in this movement." She also explained Celio us presence by saying, "We felt that on the 20th anniversary of TBTN in Ann Arbor it is time to see sexual violence as a community issue and not just a womyn's issue."

Some critics take issue with what they see as the hidden agenda of the TBTN march. In her book The Morning After: Sex, Fear, andFeminism on Campus, neo-feminist Katie Roiphe describes the TBTN march as "an umbrella march covering fear in general, frustration in general, and the belief that men are outto getwomen." Roiphe further argues that the organizers of these marches are using rape as a political tool to gain authority and stifle opposing viewpoints .

"Rape is a natural trump card for feminism. Arguments about rape can be used to sequester feminism in the teary province of trauma and crisis.

They block analysis with statements like 'You can't possibly understand what I've been through'," wrote Roiphe. "For many feminists, then, rape becomes a vehicle, a way to get from here to there. By blocking analysis with

its unique pandemic suffering, the rape crisis becomes a powerful source of authority."

AACAR member AmberSadiq has a different perspective on TBTN. "The march itself is a way for women to take back the night. It's a way for women to show that they too can have power. It can be very empowering for all women, especially survivors." r.R.

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April 21, 1999

9

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

Jesse Jackson Preaches at Hill

By SCOTT BEHNAN

O

N APRIL 9 REV. JESSE Jackson, one of America's most prominent political and religious figures, addressed U-M students on the topic: "America Must Leave No One Behind: A Celebration of Diversity." Eager U-M students welcomed Rev . Jackson with thunderous applause at a jam-packed Hill Auditorium. In an age of apathy among college students, Jackson provided a spark to activism on issues confounding America, such as U.s. foreign policy, racism, and voting. However, in the end Jackson ran into the usual trap of most modem politicians: the inability to devise an objective plan or philosophical remedy for the future.

Much of what Jackson had to say was meritorious. Specifically, he promoted his Rainbow jPUSH Coalition and its current initiative, the "Southern Crusade" - a campaign to promote economic security, racial healing, and voting rights in the state of Mississippi. Jackson pointed out that, in comparison with other states, Mississippi dwells in the cellar when it comes to education, insurance, race relations, toxic waste, and wages. Assuming all goes well, the Southern Crusade will demonstrate the most admirable form of activism as intended in the Bill of Rights - its protestors will exercise their free speech rights without infringing on the rights of others (i.e., riots or vandalism). Furthermore, they will act voluntarily and privately without the aid of a legislative body. In other words, no government thugs will force Americans who may oppose this movement to fund it through expropriated tax dollars. The beatniks of our so-called student government could learn a valuable lesson from the Southern Crusade: there is no place for coerced fees in a free society.

Similarly, Jackson admirably addressed the recent turmoil in Kosovo, giving a personal perspective that was informative and enlightening. Just days before his speech at U-M, Jackson met with Yugoslavian Ambassador Vladislav Jovanovic in New York City to discuss the release of the three U.s. soldiers captured by Serbian forces.

He also advised Jovanovic that their release could contribute to the reduction of tension and move the parties back to the negotiating table. As a former u.s. diplomat, Jackson has triggered the release' of many U.s. prisoners in Cuba, Kuwait, and Iraq, and the 1984 release of Navy Lieutenant Robert Goodman from Syria.

Unfortunately, the same description cannot extend to Jackson's dis-

cussion of diversity and other race-related issues. It consisted mostly of assigning historical blame, instead of focusing on the future. While analyzing racial discrimination in American history, Jackson pointed out that" America was develop[ed] on the annexation of Hispanics, the massacre of Native Americans, the enslavement of blacks, and the marginalization of women." He claimed that, while we loathe the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, we often forget that Americans imposed the same form of ethnic cleansing on Native Americans. Likewise, he argued that history books should teach AfricanAmerican history not because it improves the self-esteem of black people,

o the r multiculturalist he gave a lecture without a conclusion.

As a college student, I am open to all ideas from all individuals.

However, when I hear of a particular idea, I demand a reasonable explanation. For the past year, I have heard the voices of proponents and opponents of affirmative action, and though I remain an opponent, I still yeam for a philosophical justification for affirmative action. In analyzing affirmative action practically, it is upsetting that its proponents never portray its future. If affirmative action truly is the solution for creating equity among ethnic groups, by definition it would not need to last forever. Therefore, why doesn't any-

Despite the glamour and glitz of Jackson ~ speech, like any other multiculturalist, he gave a lecture without a cQnclusion. but because African-American history is American history. Of all the Founding Fathers, Jackson credited only Th~ mas Jefferson, who despite owning slaves was able to conceive the utter hypocrisy behind the practice of slavery in a country which upholds individual liberty. Through many examples, quotes, and passages, Jackson exhibited his profound knowledge of American history and its cases of injustice against" people of color" in the early stages of the United States of America.

Notice what Jackson has done for the audience at this point: he has pointed out the shameful racism of the past toward blacks, Hispanics, and Native Americans. Indeed, these forms of prejudice did exist, and all Americans must learn from the mistakes of the past. However, what about today?

What about tomorrow? If these problems still exist today as Jackson assumes, what should be done, and at whose expense? Unfortunately, Jackson gravely failed to answer any of these questions, and despite the glamour and glitz of his speech, like any

one attempt to approximate how much longer we will need to use it? Also, how exactly do we define when affirmative action will have succeeded in terms of education, economics, race relations, and most importantly, our national condition? Jackson gave no answer to these questions.

In his case for affirmative action, Rev. Jackson describes it as "a way to offset negative action." By whom?

Most likely, this "negative action" refers to the perpetrators of slavery in the old South, and racist individuals throughout the nation. However, though ancestors of today's Americans committed these atrocities, why should their descendents endure the consequences? Interestingly, many "whites," such as Eastern Europeans, Jews, and Irishmen, even lack an ancestral connection to slavery and racial oppression. Still, whether one's ancestor was a racial oppressor or not, the only connection today's Caucasians share with them is one of skin color. Thus, in an effort to correct past "negative action," Jackson's agenda ironically perpetuates the punishment

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of people based on skin pigmentation.

Finally, in his support of admissions based on race, Jackson argued that other factors besides grade point averages have always formed bases for admissions. This is true, but how does this strengthen his argument?

Jackson also advocated multicultural education under the notion of "diversity" - that a higher variance of physical appearance or ethnic identity determines the success of an institution.

Still, university officials must realize that universities originated not to mirror a particular society, but to teach students how to think.

However, conservatives often fall short in ending the argument here, assuming that there is no race problem in America. Though on the decrease, racism, racial tension, and racial divisions still exist in America. One only has to point to the high concentration of specific minorities in poor neighborhoods, crumbling inner-city schools, and minorities' overrepresentation in prisons. This, however, leads us to the question: what is the most logical and just solution to racism? The answer is individualism.

Unfortunately, when dealing with this issue both liberals and conservatives tum not to the fundamental principles of philosophy, but to an undefined social science known as sociology. Philosophy examines and defines the human identity through logic, reason, experience, argumentation, evidence, and rationality. Sociology, while it still has its merits, defines man not as an individual, but as a group; not as a thinker, but as a follower; not capable of free will, but as an innocent "pawn" to any cultural trend. Philosophy recognizes that humans are of one species - that their choices, values, content, and morality define them. Sociology, on the other hand, describes humans not by their own mind, but by categories such as their ethnic group-ergo, by their genetic composition. Now, in this quest to rid America of racism forever, students must choose one of the two as the panacea. The answer is obvious.

It is time for leaders of our country like Jesse Jackson to realize the following: the talented, diligent, and intelligent students at the University of Michigan who happen to belong to a particular minority ethnic group have only one desire - they do not want to represent anyone, they just want to be students. Mt Scott Behnan is a freshman and a staff writer for the Review. He can skewer liberal campus speakers with the best of them. He is wise beyond his years.

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10

April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

GOP Presidential Candidates Roundup

BY CURT ROBERTSON

A

LlliOUGH THE PRESIDENtial election is more than a year and a half away, that has not stopped the influx of candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring. The race for the GOP nomination is especially crowded. But who are these people? Do they have the money, support, and intelligence to win the nomination, let alone the presidential election? Here is a quick run down of some of the current Republican candidates.

Currently, the party favorite is Texas governor George W. Bush. Bush, a Yale grad and eldest son of the former president, was an accomplished businessman before turning to politics.

These connections have helped secure him perhaps the largest amount of financial support among all the candidates. Also, his huge re-election victory this past November has shown the immense amount of support he can generate, which includes a large number of Hispanic voters who have been attracted to his "compassionate conservative" philosophy. Still, little is known of his views on current political issues, although word is he has been receiving foreign policy tutoring from such distinguished statesmen as former Reagan Sec. of State George Schultz.

Along with his absence of views, rumors continue to persist of past indiscretions that the governor may have been involved in when he was a younger man.

The other main contender for the Republican nomination is Elizabeth

(SQ1"'(.l::ho 1.,;( Dole. Dole, who held cabinet po::t f", sitions in two different presiden~ tial administrations, recently resigned from her position as president of the Red Cross to test the "presidential waters." She has proven herself to be a very personable public figure with her much glorified talk show style speech at the '% Republican Convention. However, like Gov. Bush, her views on many issues are unknown and her ability to gamer inter-gender support is untested. Also, her ability to gather adequate financial resources for a serious run remains in doubt.

There are many other dark horse candidates trying to obtain the nomination as well. Chief prove to be his downfall early in the among these is former Vice-President race.

Dan Quayle. Quayle, who has remained Millionaire publisher Steve Forbes out of the spotlight the past few years, is another long shot. Forbes, a Princeton has apparently established a base of grad, made a previous run at the Resupport with the Christian right. Howpublican nomination back in '96. His ever, working against him is his still main issue then and now has been the prevalent image as an incompetent. He economy. Specifically, he has made the will be unlikely to shake this image in quest of a flat tax the central part of his the eyes of the media, and this might 'l~ i ~

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Along with his absence of views, rumors continue to persist ofpast indiscretions that Bush may have been involved in when he was a younger man. f

presidential bid. The lack of any more substantive issues in his campaign has really dampened enthusiasm for his run. Also, many in the public have been turned off by the facts that Forbes is both wealthy and that his wealth was inherited, which leads many to question his actual abilities.

Congress has also produced a few contenders for the nomination: Sen. John McCain of Arizona, Sen. Bob Smith of New Hampshire, and Rep. John Kasich of Ohio.

McCain spent much of his early life in the military, first at the Naval Academy and then as a naval aviator for 22 years. He also spent time in Vietnam, where he was imprisoned as a POW.

McCain, considered a moderate Republican, has said that he realizes that Bush will most likely win the nomination but wants to be waiting in the wings just in case the frontrunner falters. Bob Smith, a more hard core Republican, has held the party line on issues ranging from abortion to tax reforms. However, just recently Smith has been one of the few Republicans to condemn the US's intervention in Kosovo. His lack of name recognition, though, will be his biggest adversary in this race. Kasich, the House Budget chairman, is considered a financial whiz and a great public speaker. However, many people say that Kasich's run is not intended to gamer him the nomination but is just in preparation for a future presidential race.

Three others, Lamar Alexander, Alan Keyes, and Pat Buchanan, are considered important potential nominees too. Alexander, former governor of Tennessee, has basically been running for the nomination since his bid in '%, but a lack of necessary funds and a real base group of supporters have plagued his campaign both then and now. Keyes, a radio personality, is the only black man in the race. He, like Alexander, lacks money and support, but Keyes may have other motives for running, which include the desire for a cabinet position. Last is perennial candidate Buchanan. Buchanan, unlike the other dark horses, has both access to funds and a real base of support with the right-wing of the party. The problem that has always plagued him, though, is his inability to generate enough support from the more moderate Republicans, which is needed to win the nomination. ~ Curt Robertson is a sophomore majoring in history and a stajJwriter for the Review.

April 21, 1999

o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

BY JAMES YEH

A

s ONE OF THE PREMIERE

research universities in the nation, the University of Michigan has taken part in many groundbreaking technological and scientific innovations in its long history.

On Thursday, April 15th at 7:00 in the Wolverine room of the Michigan Vnion, Peace Action, a self-described grassroots peace and justice organization, and its student group, yet another acronym, SPAN (Student Peace Action Network), held a teach-in to inform the 10 to 15 people that showed up about the history of military research nationwide, and more specifically here at U-M. The teach-in went better than I had expected . Peace Action's message that night did not seem as extreme as others I had heard around campus. In fact, I would even go as far as call it reasonable. The speakers did not try to link the university's military research contract with affirmative action, eating meat, or "straight white male oppres-~ sors." The speakers stayed on track, speaking against military research in American universities.

The first speaker was Professor Nicholas Steneck, a U-M history professor. He gave a brief talk on the history of military research in the United States and at the University of Michigan. His time at the podium was brief, and almost unnecessary, for he didn't cover anything that wasn't repeated later on by the other two speakers. He was followed by Gaverick Matheny, a researcher from UC Berkeley. He spoke for almost an hour, repeating much of what Professor Steneck had covered, though with more elaboration. Unlike Professor Steneck, who was almost completely objective during his talk, Mr. Matheny was much more vocal about his opposition against military research in America's universities. But it wasn't until the final speaker that the audience heard the meat and potatoes of the evening's anti-military research message.

UAC

Continued from page 8 which obtains its money from student fees : the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA). Like UAC MSA'smembers put in long hours serving U-M students.

However, no MSA representatives receive monetary compensation. The president and vice-president each receive only a blue pass parking permit, which lasts until the end of their term in office.

Also, MSA does not use its internal funds to sponsor any type of annual

11

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

'U', Me, and DoD Brad Van Guilder is a university alumnus, with a Ph.D in physics that he had earned while here at the University. Today, he works as the head of Peace Action for the state of Michigan.

His speech was poignant and thoughtful, and he refrained from giving yet another history lesson as his predecessors had done. He felt that not only is military research inherently unethi-

proaches to Arms Control," a study that would have been classified due to its classified sources - sources that Prof. Tanter was able to access because of his former status as a member of the National Security Council under Presi-' dent Ronald Reagan. This rejection prompted a review of U-M's policies on research, which caused the Regents to adopt a new policy of loosened re-

Few people enjoy killing or maiming their fellow human beings, but to use this as an excuse to stop important military research is naive, to say the least. cal, but it also hampers intellectual freedom.

In fact, Mr. Van Guilder's protests were mostly against restriction of personal freedom . He argued that because the Department of Defense (DoD) and the Department of Energy (DoE) have such huge military research budgets, the majority of research contracts out there today require a researcher to work for either DoD or DoE, or not work at all. He argues that since the University of Michigan is a public university, DoD and DoE should not have so much control over it. For example, he points out that if a project was classified, all work published on the project would . also be classified. This could sometimes hinder careers based on such work, which cannot be read except by DoD or DoE officials. The University enacted a ban on classified research in 1968 at the height of the Vieb1am War, after the military was no longer viewed favorably by the students. This ban also eliminated research that had "the specific purpose .. . to destroy human life or incapacitate human beings."

These restrictions lasted until the mid1980s, when political science professor Raymond Tanter was turned down by the Classified Review Panel for a proposed study entitled" Alternative Ap-

strictions on classified research and lift the ban on projects that could kill or maim humans.

The ethical arguments against military research are very simplistic.

Few people enjoy killing or maiming their fellow human beings, but to use this as an excuse to stop important military research is naive to say the least. Some projects, like Prof. Charles Kaufman's 1990 research project on fuel air ex- I ..... ~ , ·~· u ··. plosives, which was uncovered by Mr. Van Guilder himself, are certainly unjustified . However, some important research does take p I ace which is used positively. For example, in 1967 the Universitydeveloped infrared tracking equipment for the DoD, and even sent technicians to Southeast Asia to train

retreat for its members. In past years, small groups of MSA representatives have participated in student leadership retreats sponsored by other groups; for example, last year seven MSA representatives were taken to Camp Michigania for a student leadership retreat run by the Student Alumni Council. Any other retreats are paid for outof pocket, but expenses are usually minimal. For instance, last year new MSA representatives were welcomed to the government with free chips and soda, paid for entirely by then-MSA president Trent Thompson.

Finally, MSA does not sponsor year-

end "thank you" dinners or banquets for its members.

One key difference between these two organizations is that UAC's board members and committee chairs are not elected by students. Antonini does not feel this lessens UAC's accountability to students. "U AC members are focused on being accountable to the student body financially. Over the past two years, our executive board has worked to find a balance between program and non-program spending that benefits the organization and the campus," he stated.

Yet groups such as MSA, which

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troops in the use of this new technology against Communist guerrillas.

There is opposition against the DoE, which controls the development of nuclear weapons and uses universities to develop bigger and better nuclear warheads. However, this research is of vital interest to U.s. national security and cannot be stopped. India and Pakistan have entered into the nuclear race, and one can only assume that Iran, North Korea, and others are not too far behind. The United States, as the world's remaining superpower, cannot stand idly by and see our nuclear supremacy challenged and possibly even surpassed.

It is unfortunate that the University must do research that may possibly lead to death and destruction, but it is necessary. Because the DoD and DoE have divided their projects into smaller sections, they often end up supporting research in fields with many beneficial civilian applications. For example, a strong supporter of breast cancer research in the United States is the United States Army. Carbon composite materials may be used for stealth bombers, but they're also used to mak.: bicycles. The list goes on. Ultimately, nuclear weapons have not been user! ~ ::' \ ~~ U3! ~ ;(.:; .r;, ;l,{t: .~.

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in anger since 1945. Thus, any argument against research is not based on the peaceful past, but on the events of some nightmare future. ~ are also funded by student money, apparently do not feel that this type of internal spending is necessary for their groups to have a positive impact on campus. Why does UAC's leadership believe this type of spending is justifiable for their group?

"Out of UAC's $150,000 annual budget, less than $10,000 is spent on retreats and stipends. If you do the math, this comes out to less than seven percent of the budget. For an organization of our size, I don't think you will find this out of line." ~

12

April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o SERPENT'S TOOTH tfi'i?

EXTRA!

Who Said It - AI Gore or the Unabomber?

See if you can tell ...

1) "The twentieth century has not been kind to the constant human striving for a sense of purpose in life. Two world wars, the Holocaust, the invention of nuclear weapons, and nowtheglobalenvironmental crises have led many of us to wonder if survival- much less enlightened , joyous, and hopeful living - is possible. We retreat into the seductive tools and technologies of industrial civilization , but that only creates new problems as we become increasingly isolated from one another and disconnected from our roots. "

2) "Modern industrial civilization, as presently organized, is colliding violently with our planet's ecological system. The ferocity ofthe assault on the earth is breathtaking , and the horrific consequences are occurring so quickly as to defy our capacity to recognize them, comprehend their global implications, and organize an appropriate and timely response."

3) "Nature takes care of itself: it was a spontaneous creation that existed long before any human society, and for countless centuries , many different kinds of human societies coexisted with nature without doing it an excessive amount of damage. Only with the Industrial Revolution did the effect of human society on nature become really devastating."

5) The modern individual on the other hand is threatened by many things against which he is helpless: nuclear accidents , carcinogens in food , environmental pollution, war, increasing taxes, invasion of his privacy by large organizations, and nationwide social or economic phenomena that may disrupt his way of life. "

Special thanks to our friends at the Orange and Blue Observer.

4) "Any child born into the hugely consumptionistway of life so common in the industrial world will have an impact that is, on average, many times more destructive than that of a child born in the developing world."

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6) "Among the abnormal conditions present in modern industrial society are excessive density of population, isolation of man from nature, excessive rapidity of social change and the breakdown of natural small-scale communities such as the extended family , the village or the tribe."

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o CAMPUS AFFAIRS

Fraternities Will Survive

BY JACOB

F.M.

OSUCK

HAPTER THREE OF Ecclesiastes begins with the statement, " A season is set for everything, a time for every purpose under heaven." Later bastardized into a popular song, these words ring true in much of human existence. After all, things tend to go in cycles of popularity and decline, only to have former glory restored in the future. Such is the case today with the Greek system on university campuses. In the past few years, houses have come under legal fire for excessive drinking, sexual misconduct, and dangerous hazing. With such violations reaching the national media, many speculate that the fraternity and sorority systems face a bleak future . Yet, such analysis ignores the aforementioned Biblical prose. In reality, while the Greek system undoubtedly has some rough bumps ahead, it will emerge nearly intact from the current struggles.

This is not to say chapter houses will go unchanged in the immediate future . In the aftermath of the Courtney Cantor tragedy, the University of Michigan Inter-Fraternity Council voted to tighten rules regarding alcohol consumption at parties, and to

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better regulate "friends" parties by enforcing "guest lists." Recently, the Council restricted alcohol use at "open" or "friends" parties until after Fall Rush, and even considered banning freshmen from Greek property until Rush. However, these regulations, while significant, pale in comparison to efforts taken at other campuses. For instance, the Inter-Fraternity council at Michigan State voted to ban all alcohol at parties. Also, several national Greek organizations, such as the prestigious Phi Delta Theta and Sigma Nu, have voted to adopt an alcohol-free housing policy at all chapter houses, and others, such as Theta Xi, have similar motions on the agenda at upcoming fraternity conventions.

Most extreme, Dartmouth College, home to the original" Animal House," is contemplating a ban on all singlesex Greek organizations, under the claim that they promote sexual segregation. Of course, the suggestion that college students join fraternities or sororities because they don't want to associate with members of the opposite sex is laughable at best.

Still, in the long run, history favors the fraternities. After all, they have had dark times before. Following their heyday in the 1950s, the individualist

. 60s took a toll on the Greek system.

Whereas in 1956 forty fraternities and twenty sororities dotted the U-M landscape, by 1974 those numbers had fallen to only 8 and 12 respectively.

Not only that, but the remaining organizations faced declining memberships, and often had to rent out rooms in their chapter houses to non-member boarders. Now, the numbers are almost back up to the mid-50s level.

Likewise, although colleges have made a big effort to crack down on alcohol abuse in the past year, surely their efforts pale in comparison to the en loco parentis function of universities thirty years ago. Crackdowns never last forever, and this one too will likely peter out in the years to come.

At the same time, expect fraternities and sororities to think up ingenious methods of getting around the new rules. Many will probably limit or abolish common sources of alcoholwhile keeping individual members' rooms fully stocked . Expect other houses to break the rules entirely, but be more careful about things such as noise, which attract police attention.

In general, the new rules will only strengthen the adage that college boy can be separated from beer for only so long. Although he might stray with

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temperance, in the end, he will return to his beloved.

In fact, the ultimate proof that the party will go on rests in the pages of history, replete with examples of youthful indiscretions. In Shakespeare's Hamlet/ Polonius instructs his son Laertes not to partake in a festival of drinking and whore-mongering while at college. In medieval France, riots broke out against student immorality at universities. As these pages remarked last December, "College students intoxicated themselves back in the Middle Ages and will continue to do so long after all of. us are nothing more then ash and bone." Seeing that college students are the eternal par tiers, the Greek system is natural.

For when one purposefully loses control, he wants to do so in an environment of minimal risk. While tolerating partying, the Greek system also excels at taking care of its inebriated brothers. In fact, the communal su pport of a house probably accounts for the relatively Jaw number of accidents that occur at the college party scene. As students will always seek that joyous mix of revelry and family, the Greek system will survive. The current troubles are but a minor blip on the road between Sparta and Athens. Mt .__ ..... ... _..

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April 21, 1999

13

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o NATIONAL AFFAIRS

Missiles, Missiles Everywhere!

BY

R.

COLIN PAINTER

T

HREE ... TWO ... ONE. A ROCKET launches from an Iraqi launchpad carrying a deadly payload of chemical toxins. Its destination: the Israeli coastal city of Tel Aviv. When it hits, it w ill spread a deadly chemical cloud over all the city, killing men, . women, children, and even animals indiscriminately. But wait, just minutes after liftoff, an intense laser beam shoots from the sky, incinerating the rocket at the top of its ballistic arch.

Sound like science fiction, or maybe the latest Tom Clancy novel? No, it's actually a nearly completed prototype space laser, designed by the U.s. military's Ballistic Missile Defense Organization (BMDO).

This laser program is the step-child of Ronald Reagan' s Strategic Defense Initiative (SOl), a .k.a. rrStar Wars rr .

Originally, BMDO planned to install a series of twenty laser satellites, to wipe out an incoming Russian nuclear armada, had war ever broken out. The project ran over budget, and the Soviet Union' s collapse in 1991 prompted George Bush to kill the project. How-

listic missles.

Of course, the "Evil Empire" is dead, so many question the need for establishing a national ballistic missile defense. Yet, today it is easier than ever for a rogue regime like Iraq or North Korea to obtain both nuclear technology and ballistic missile capability. Just last year, India and Pakistan conducted their first nuclear tests, suggesting that less friendly states could also soon aquire nuclear abilities. Many especially fear the theft of nuclear material from Russia, or the defection of unemployed Russian scientists.

As the March 23 edition of the Wall Street Journal reports, the North Korean nuclear program remains alive and well, despite Western efforts to bribe her Communist government into submission. This past summer, North Korea lobbed a nuclearcapable missile over Japan, sending shockwaves throughout the world.

Since this missile could potentially hit either Alaska or Hawaii, the U.S. be-

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came particularly alarmed. Furthermore, North Korea admits to selling advanced ballistic missile technology to states like Iraq and Iran. This poses an extremely sensitive threat to the United States and its regional allies in the Middle East and the Pacific Rim.

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As of now, deployment of a "Star Wars" system is illegal, under the AntiBallistic Missile (ABM) Treaty of 1972.

Yet, this does not present the stum-

Considering the threat now posed by North Korea and Iran, among others, it seems the ABM Treaty offers weak protection compared to the security of a space-based missile defense umbrella. ever, the Pentagon continued to pursue a scaled-down version of the program, and research is now only a few years aw ay from completion. Until such devices are deployed, the United States is at the mercy of any state or terrorist organization possessing bal-

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bling block many suggest. In fact, the Treaty allows any signer to opt out of the agreement with a mere six-months notice. Considering the threat now posed by North Korea and Iran, among others, it seems the ABM Treaty offers weak protection compared to the security of a space-based missile defense umbrella. Further, the costs of such a system are comparatively small, and are easily outweighed by its benefits.

Admittedly, Star Wars is not a complete answer to an enemy missile threat. Many missiles, like the Scud, don't fly high enough for a Star Warstype system to hit them. Thus, the Air Force is also developing the theatre high altitude air defense missile (THAAD), to defend against short and medium range ballistic missiles.

Unfortunately, THAAD is long over due and very over budget.

Not only that, but it recently gained infamy when it failed every one of its test trials.

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Perhaps a better short range missile defense alternative is the Tactical High Energy Laser platform (fHEL).

A product of the Israeli Army, and developed with U.s. assistance, THEL is a ground based laser system small enough to fit on a tank body, yet powerful enough to punch a hole through a medium range rocket. Unlike THAAD, this system has successfuly destroyed numerous drone missiles in tests. Furthermore, Israel is a close ally of the United States, making procurement no problem. As the Israelis rank among the world leaders in weapons research, the u.s. can also trust her to consistently improve THEL, as new threats arise.

Whether against ICBM's like the Chinese Long March rockets, or medium range missiles like the infamous Russian Scud, the U.s and its allies require an effective anti-missile defense. Clearly, though they seem futuristic, space-based laser weapons are the way to go. They are far cheaper and safer to use than rocket systems like the THAAD or Patriot, and they have higher accuracy. Similarly, for shorter range threats, THEL has outperformed THAAD missiles in every test to date. In a world filled with threats from numerous rogue states and terrorist groups, all of whom may have access to old Soviet or Chinese technology, the U.s. needs to be able to effectively protect itself and its friends.

Consequently, the U.s. needs theTHEL and Star Wars weapon systems. l\R R. Colin Painter is double-majoring in history and political science, and is the news editor of the Review.

14

April 21, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o A LONG, STRANGE TRIP

Look at All the Funky Colors

BY WILLIAM WETMORE

F

IRST, I WANT TO ACKNOWLedge that I am a long-time supporter of the legalization of marijuana for all of the factors of individual liberty usually cited. However, I also wish to make clear that I find making fun of hippies to be an extremely enjoyable and rarely challenging pursuit in which even I have a tendency to partake. Disclaimers and warnings aside, here are my experiences with the Hash Bash.

To begin, here is an excerpt from the vivacious sociopolitical discourse that lingered throughout Hash Bash '99, as witnessed firsthand by what one Hash Bash delegate (really just some dude from some high school in Ohio) described as my "disembodied spirit aura pervading the oneness of the infinite primal beauty-essence that surrounds me and is within me": - "Like yeah bra, like, George Washington grew the stuff, ya know bra. Dude, I bet ya he so smoked!

Cause, ya know, he had, like, no teeth or something and that must really have sucked!"

-"Right-on, kind sister. Like, all those dudes probably smoked! What did you say your Rainbow name was again? Mine's some thin' like ' Kind Spider Freedom.' Well, anyway, Jah Love!"

Although I did find it refreshing to hear people cite Bob Marley rather than Chomsky to make their points, I was astonished at the lack of student presence at this most controversial of Ann Arbor annual events, which took place beginning at noon on the Diag, Saturday, April 3'd. The crowd, rumored by some to be upwards of 5,000, were mainly out-of-townies from places like Flint, Kalamazoo, Detroit, Lansing and the infamous Toledo, who, from my observations, differed widely in both appearance and manner from the usual lot observed drudging through the Diag. Of course, there was the usual slate of tiresome hippies like Mr. Spider Freedom above, coming complete with depressing ensembles of dark greens and browns that if actually worn in the 1960's would have made Vietnam even that much more of a bummer. And most certainly there were the" tribal" bongos always played

progressively even more out of rhythm so as not to "kill the vibe." As always, it was most excellent to see Arm Arbor defend its title of being the "coolest place in the universe," or at least the coolest place in the universe to hear white guys play reggae. Yes, they came, they did what they always do, then they went home to do it some more right up until their parents stop footing the bill. But all of this you assuredly know, and if not, simply make a very short trek over to the East Quad courtyard and all will be illuminated.

But where were all the students?

Certainly some came, checked-out Tommy Chong, etc., but the overwhelming mass of obvious outsiders was very effective at masking their presence. I was dressed rather elaborately (bright red clown trousers, vinyl boots, a Jerry Garcia tie, and a daffodil sticking from my straw hat), and most students I encountered mistook me for "one of them," and gave me condescending if not all out hateful looks and head shakes. No, contrary to popular opinion, this rally and aftermath party were not as they were likely intended to have been when the Hash Bash was

founded, a gathering of Ann Arborites coming out to protest marijuana laws.

The shirtless and tattooed at this protest owed much more to the typical . Detroit Lions fan than to the local alternateen scene or pseudo-feminist circuit. I even had the "pleasure" of witnessing my first Def Leppard "Hysteria" tee-shirt with its proud owner, a middle-aged balding ape-man with a sizable swill-gut, wandering aimlessly through the Law Quad . Yes, on this afternoon even the goths seemed less benevolently silly.

All in all, this assemblage made for quite a laughable few hours, but as far as the "purposes" of the event were concerned - that of promoting education about marijuana and launching a mass political movement for legalization - little if any ground was likely gained. Ml

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o HUMOROUS AFFAIRS

Wacky Internship Ideas

BY DAVE GUIPE

ELL, IT'S THAT TIME OF year again. Summer's just around the corner, which means it's time for you, yes, you, to start planning for it. Right now you're probably thinking "Dave, I'm sick and tired of doing the same thing every summer. I want to do something new and exciting this year!" If this is your feeling toward the upcoming summer, I urge you to check out an often overlooked idea: the summer internship.

Summer internships are without a doubt the best way that a college student can spend his summer. There are numerous benefits to being an intern, although I can't seem to think of any of them right now. Unfortunately, it may be too late for you to apply for the internship of your dreams, but· that d oesn' t mean tha t there aren't still some good ones available. As a matter of fact, I happen to know of a few internships that you can apply for even at this point. So if the idea of being a summer intern entices you, read on.

The "Jeopardy!" Summer Internship Program: That's right, there is still time to apply to be a summer intern on the set of America's favorite game show, "Win Ben Stein's Money."

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Oh, and there are some positions left on the "Jeopardy!" Summer Internship Program too. Unfortunately, all of the good spots have already been taken, bu tthere is still an opening for a "Sound Effects Coordinator." Should you manage to get the position, your duties would be to create the various sound effects needed for the program in the most cost effective ways you can think of. Personally, I would love to have position like this.

Alex Trebek: " And the Final Jeopardy! answer is: This popular song from the 1980's includes the line 'Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.' Good luck!"

Me: (singing) "Dod doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo DOO doodoodoodoodoo ... " You getthe idea. Anyway, if sound effects just don' t float your boat, there are still plenty of other internships out there, such as ...

The WWF Summer Internship: Have you always wondered if prowrestling is fake? Has it been your life long dream to "snap into a Slim Jim" with the "Macho Man" Randy Savage?

Well look no further, there's still time to apply for the World Wrestling Federation's summer internship. As an intern at the WWF, you will be given

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the opportunity to meet all of your favorite pro wrestling superstars! As an added bonus, a few of the most qualified summer interns will actually get to participate in real pro wrestling matches, complete with a cheesy ring name.

Ring Announcer: "Currently in the ring, weighing one hundred ninety pounds, Frat Boy!" You: (raising your arms in the air) Audience: "BOO! HISS! BOO!" Ring Armouncer: "And his opponent, the Ultimate Warrior!"

Ultimate Warrior: (rurming down the aisle with the look of a madman on his face) Audience: "YEAH!!!!!!!!"

Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Summer Internship: If you' re reading this publication, chances are you may be a supporter of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (VRWC). If this is the case, the VRWC Summer Internship is for you! As an intern for the VRWC, you will get a chance to participate in the . advancement of your favorite right wing policies. The only requirements are that you regularly vote Republican (Did you REALLY think that the ballots were secret?) and that you have a specific goal in mind that you hope to achieve during the summer (there' s no

room for slackers in the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy). You can select a specific policy goal, such as "Help elect George W. Bush President" or your goal can be much broader, like "Keep them down." If you're lucky, you may just get the chance to meet "The Man" himself! Of course then they'll have to kill you, but what a way to go!

Bill Gates' World Domination Summer Internship: Okay, so it's not exactly a job at Microsoft, but it's the next best thing. As everyone knows by now, Bill Gates is a man whose sole goal is to take over the world and proclaim himself emperor. Well, it turns out that world domination isn't easy. As a matter of fact, it can actually be quite challenging at times, eveRfor a smart guy like Bill Gates. So, Mr. Gates is looking for bright young individuals to help him devise ways to conquer the planet. Interns whose ideas actually work will be given dominion over the continent of their choice.

So there you have it, a healthy batch of summer internships that are ripe for the picking. So what are you waiting for? It's either this or another summer of flipping burgers. vVhat's it going to be? Huh? That's what I thought. I'll have a Number Two and could you, uh, make that bigger? Ml

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J.J Music Men's Glee Club Delights, As Usual By

MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ

he house lights dimmed and the crowd applauded as nearly one hundred members of the University of Michigan Men's Glee Club, adorned in tails and striking red roses, streamed onto the brightened stage, They burst into "Laudes Atque Carmina," the song that has started glee club concerts for over one hundred years , "Loosely translated," said

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Review

U-M Men's Glee Club 139th Annual Spring Concert April 17, 1999 Conductor Jerry Blackstone, "it says, 'Let all people, in all places, and at all times, sing praises to the University of Michigan,'" Men's Glee Club concerts are always good , Blackstone is a master conductor, and knows how to select and train a choir. Blending and dynamics are usually impeccable, and this concert upheld that fine standard, with few exceptions,

All of the songs were relatively well done, and one song, "The Ballad of Little Musgrave and Lady Barnard"

by Benjamin Britten, really stood out Blackstone prefaced the piece with a spellbinding introduction that captured the crowd' s attention and held it throughout the piece. The ballad tells the story of two secret lovers, Little Musgrave and Lady Barnard. Lord Barnard finds out that his wife has taken this secret lover, and storms into the "bower at Bucklesfordberry" to "end the matter here." Tragedy ensues as Lord Barnard not only kills Little Musgrave, but his Lady as well.

The piece had a forlorn, beautiful sound, and the choir carried it very well. When they combined their separate unison lines into powerful, rousing chords, shivers ran down this critic's spine. At times, the piece progressed at breakneck speed, a tempo that would trip up any other choir. But the Men's Glee Club handled it with ease, their stupendous diction making every word easily understandable.

"The one constant through all the years has been the Friars." The audience heard this introduction right af-

ter intermission, accompanied by profound piano music. "They're part of our past, my friends, and they remind us of all that once was good, and what could be good again," Amid laughter and applause, the Friars entered in trademark style. And unlike past concerts, they sounded very good, with every song perfectly in tune. Their choreography was also quite respectable during every song. They were most powerful as an ensemble, with remarkably tight chords, especially during their final song, "Lyposuction."

While they excelled as an ensemble, they faltered individually.

None of the soloists were especially powerful, and in Hill Auditorium that is a significant issue, as voices must carry to the second balcony. The soloist for the first song had a weak falsetto, and the soloist for the second song forgot the words. The soloist for the fourth song was quite well cast, and the soloist for the third song, Jeff Hogg, was the best of them all. Hogg had a powerful, very melodic tenor voice, and a fine falsetto to boot The rest of the concert proceeded rather nicely, the choir blending very

well with one notable exception: the voice of one tenor harshly cut through the otherwise pleasant blend of voices, That one voice was audible over all the others during at least three songs, and it became quite bothersome.

Having been to Glee Club concerts before, I am aware of the level of excellence which the ensemble is capable of achieving, While this concert was very good, it was not great. There were a couple songs that were memorable, but for the most part, nothing really wowed me. (The rest of the audience felt the same way, for the standing ovation -- a regular occurrence at most every Glee Club concert -- failed to make an appearance.)

That being said, it should be noted that the Men's Glee Club is one of the finest male choral groups in the coun~ try, and even when they're not as amazing as they usually are, the singers are still very talented. It is a shame that our generation does not fully appreciate choral music, for a beautiful chord powerfully sung by one hundred men is much more exciting than the latest hit song on a Top 40 radio station. Ml

Blur Transcends Brit-pop with 13

BY JULIE JESCHKE AND WILLIAM WETMORE

FTER RECOVERING FROM their thorough thrashing, courtesy of the brothers Gallagher, in the highly publicized "Blurasis" spat over who could achieve world domination, the members of

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13 Blur EMIl Food Records Blur have switched gears and actually concentrated on their long-boasted artistic integrity. The educated reviewers (i.e. those who get paid to have such opinions) ala Select, Q, and NME, have not been kind enough to 13, therefore we (two American college students who really should have been born British), take it upon ourselves to give a rave one.

The U-M campus is starving for diversity. With this album, even Jessica Curtin's wildest fantasies could be fulfilled. From the first hint of the Appalachian guitar and the London gospel choir of "Tender," to the hick who moans in the trip-hoppy "Trailerpark," to the authentic lamentations of one who has just been ... ... -.-- ....--...

dumped by the bird from Elastica (a.k.a, Justine Frischmann), 13 oozes popcultural diversity. Each song sounds different enough to belong to another band, which frees Blur from the entrapment of the Brit-pop mold that once threatened to make them stale .

Even the endings to many songs are separate entities, making the untrained ear automatically assume that the next track has begun.

With producer William Orbit's help (of MadOIUla' s Ray of Light fame), Blur has managed to break away from the clean-cut, "smart for their age," boy-band persona, with the newfangled electronic equipment offered in the contemporary recording studio. The result of such meandering is the most innovative "pop" album since the official masterpiece, Radiohead's OK Computer.

Many of you may know Blur from such vehicles as their smash success "song of the summer," "Girls and Boys" from their 1994 release Parkijfe, or per-

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haps "Song 2" (the Woo Hoo bit I'm sure) from 1997's eponymous record.

In actuality, the band has released six albums since 1991 and has enjoyed more than prominent success throughout their native England .

However, despite England's love affair with Blur, we narrow-minded Yanks have for the most part opted for the deplorable likes of N'Sync and Britney Spears.

Perhaps 13 will finally be the spark that wakes us from our dogmatic slumber!

Recorded in the wake of the heartbreaking World Cup '98 (as well as another heartbreak of sorts), there is quite a lot of sorrow within the songs.

This album is the first Blur release not to feature a lyrics sheet, simply because Damon's new lyrics corne straight from his tender heart and don't try to impress with their cleverness, yet in that kinda sensitive-bloke way are still inherently clever. One can hear the pain in his voice as he exposes his soft musical underbelly in

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such songs as, "1992," "Caramel," and "No Distance Left to Run." These wallowings aside, 13 is not "Blood on the Tracks." Despite what some critics say, it is not a complete sobbing fest.

Other songs deal with such topics as avoiding "bugs" in the city ("Bugman"), the banality of everyday life ("Coffee and TV"), and an ambiguous reference to their record company ("B.L.U.R.E.M.I." ).

For those of you. who need something to fill a void in your lives, 13will deliver , There is even an enhanced version in which Blur gives us a trackby-track commentary and general comments about 135 challenge to its listeners, and for those of you who don't have enough Damon Albarn pin-ups, three lovely photographs are included.

Those critics who gave 13 mediocre reviews should be ashamed of themselves. We, two disciples of Brit-pop, cannot say enough good things about it, and marvel at how Blur has managed to reinvent themselves, even surpassing our generous expectations.

Open your minds, ye Dave Matthews fans, to the wondrous musicians who actually challenge themselves to go beyond the trite and commercial. You may lose friends or be ostracized by your clique, but your soul will finally be at ease. Mt

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