vol_17_no_6

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Violations Taint MSA Elections

BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ

"I AND

R.

COLIN PAINTER

F THE TRUTH IS THAT someone did something wrong, it's your job to report it." So said Josh Trapani, an Independent candidate who won reelection to the Michigan Student Assembly in the fall 1998 elections. Indeed, questions have come to light concerning alleged violations of the MSA Election Code by certain candidates, as well as the slipshod maImer in which the MSA election board may have handled these allegations.

Many students recently inundated the Michigan Review's e-mail inbox with allegations that the election board (the group designated to deal with candidate violations and levy penalties) failed to appropriately reprimand some candidates who violated sections of the Election Code during the fall 1998 MSA

elections. Had these violations been counted, the students say, at least one elected Students' Party candidate would have been disqualified from the race.

A great number of concerned candidates and independent observers formally reported alleged violations to the election board viae-mail in the week leading up to the election. These charges were filed against Kym Stewart of the Students' Party and Jennifer VanRoeyen of the Defend Affirmative Action Party. Charges were also filed against the Students' Party itself.

The candidates in question allegedly violated sections 41.551, 41.561, and 41.66 of the Code (see sidebar, page 5). The Code deems that each of these violations earns a candidate one "demerit." After five demerits, a candidate is disqualified. The final list of demerits shows that the election board issued no more than four demerits to any candi-

date, and thus issued no disqualifications.

The students reporting the violations claim that Stewart's actions should have garnered a total of six demerits, disqualifying her from the race. In an interview, Stewart defended her actions, saying that as a freshman she is new to the political arena and many of the rules were unclear to her, and that her great plans for MSA should have been taken into consideration as the election board reviewed her violations.

Later, however, she reversed herself, saying that "ignorance was not an excuse at all; first year there is no trial period, you know?"

She went on to say that "[I] would never do anything out of malice, and once everything was brought to my attention, it was rectified immediately."

But she later admitted that it took her several days to find many of the offending posters and rectify her errors. When

Stewart was asked whether she thought the election board was fair in issuing her four demerits (one short of forcing her out of her seat), she said that "I think they did an excellent job. ... I personally will say that the election board did nothing wrong."

"Each incident was investigated by a member of the [election] board, without exception, as soon as possible after notice was received," said MSA Rules and Elections Chair Andrew Serowik in an e-mail. "The standard set by the election board was to assign demerits only in cases where an election board member observed the violation themselves, or [where] substantial proof of a violation existed." Regarding the specific violations in question, members of the election board said that there was no proof that the violations had actually occurred.

See MSA on page 5

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Mumia: Martyr or Murderer?

BY JACOB OSUCK

" M U M I A WAS FRAMED for the righteous 1981 killing of a Philly cop engaged in an act of police brutality. Someone else killed the cop, but the Amerikan system of injustice backed up by the fascist anti-crime fever among the white petit-bourgeoisie and labor aristocracy demands that someone die for the killing of a pig.

-MIM Notes, December 1, 1998; emphasis added II

Throughout the history of the Mumia Abu Jamlil case, the prosecution has presented a concrete, consistent case that Mr. Jamal killed Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner on December 9th, 1981. In response, Mr. Jamal's supporters propagate a hokey theory backed, up by incredulous wit-

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Serpent's Tooth

We once again skewer another herd of sacred cows.

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nesses and infantile supposition. Frequently, as the above quote demonstrates, they lace their support for Mr. Jamal with a virulent anti-Americanism, extreme even by the standards of Fidel Castro. Fortunately, the legal system has not heeded their ridiculous pleas. On October 30th, the Pennsyl-

vania Supreme Court rejected Mr. Jamal's appeal for a new trial. Although Mr. Jamal still has the federal avenue to pursue, this decision places him one step close to an appointment with the Grim Reaper. On the heels of this decision, Mr. Jamal's supporters re-energized, including the re-founding of a Free Mumia group here on the U-M campus. AJ:, such, we at the Review consider it

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From Suite One

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We offer our opinions on MSA election violations and the proposed U-M tobacco _ stock divestment.

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Review Columnists'

Carnacchio offers his New Year's Resolutions, and Lee Bockhom highlights the Worst of Winter 1999 courses.

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our place to inform students about the facts of the case, irrespective of Free Mumia's misleading propaganda. As sources,] researched the case with the aid of fully-sourced information provided by the Philadelphia-based group, Justice For Daniel Faulkner. In fairness, through a taped interview, I also solicited the views of local Free Mumia leader Micah Holmquist, and read through the literature of numerous Free Mumia groups around the country, induding a letter written to the New York Times by Mr. Jamal's current attorney, Leonard Wineglass. ,From all this research, a common defense theory emerges. Summarized, it states a "running man" shot Officer Faulkner, while Faulkner beat Mr. Jamal's brother, William Cook. However, upon learning that Mr. Jamal, an

New & Views

A chance encounter with Bollinger, thoughts on dorm life, the Euro, Ann Arbor pizza, and more.

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MUMIA on page 13

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Living Culture

We critique The Prince of Egypt, glam-rock, and the Tragically Hip.

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January 20,1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

Till': 1\11< ' 111(; .\:-; RE\' IE\\"

o SERPENT'S TOOT-ij

. The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "AI Gore in '99!"

EDITORIAL BOARD

After being rejected from the University, Dan Granger recently announced that he is now applying to Brigham Young. The only problem with his application is that he thought the college was called "Bring 'em Young."

Currently, the Supreme Court is hearing the case of a fifth grader suing her school for failing to protect her against sexual harassment. Surprisingly, Dan Granger is not involved.

Interestingly, one of the allegations has already been shown false. Specifically, the girl claims that a classmate grabbed her breasts. Later, tl.is was shown to be impossible, since the girl had no breasts.

With the explosion of acronym-based organization, Serpent's Tooth would like to give our impressions of what these organizations actually stand for NeD-Fascist Party SAPAC- Sociopaths Advocating Penile Agonizing Castration AAAJ- Academics Arguing for Archaic Socialist Junk DAAP- Defending Apartheid Admissions Policies DPS- Department of Persecuting Sadists UROP- Useless Researchers on Pot IFC- Inebriated Fratboy Council CR- Croquet and Racquetball LGBT- Lovable Gay Butt Tuggers BAMN- Bigoted Arrogant Marxist Nimrods SP- Stupid People (sometimes understatement is the way to go) AAPD- Authoritarians Against People Drinking ROTC- Rightists with Over Tight Codpieces UHS- U Have a "Sickness" RC- Rejected from College NWROC- National Whining Rejected Ogres for Communism CCRB- Credence Clearwater Revival Building .

MSA- Maoist Supremacist Assembly PCC- Politically Correct Communists Of course, the Review is not immune to this phenomenon. Our MR, appearing at the end of every column obviously denotes the patriarchal nature of this news source.

J'. 'pp-

Word has it the Daily staff has access to a $.45 soda machine in the Students' Publication Building. Serpents" Tooth hereby demands a mad rush to the

cheap pop. Of course, the Review staff has to buy $1.25 sodas at the League gift shop. Just another example of the Administration keeping us down.

Recently Planned Parenthood condemned a rising tide of violence at abortion clinics. We here at the Review are in total agreement, and we condemn all violence at abortion clinics, especially the violeI)ce that goes on inside everyday.

It now appears that the Review is en-

gaged in a full scale war with Daily columnist James Miller. Most recently, Miller obliquely referred to the Review in his column by stating the following: "It's rather like when wimpy, bawling, little monkey boys latch onto conservatism and libertarian journalism to an alarming lack of secondary sex characteristics and the inability to get two dates in a row or get anyone to read their little snot-covered tabloid." It appears James has been hanging out with other Da.ily staffers too long, as he now appears unable to f!ven form a coherent sentence. It's called a comma, Jamestry using it sometime. By the way, this dig at the Review was in no way connected to Miller's thesis about the Irish becoming trendy in Hollywood. As if this isn't bad enough, Maureen Dowd of the New York Times wrote a suspiciously similar column this past summer. Come on James, we expect this kind of hack-work out of Schillaci, but you used to write original stuff.

As the annual MLK day passed, we were treated to another useless rally in favor of racial preferences. Whatever happened to celebrating a man who declared that people be "judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character"?

his president, Bob Dole: First Lady Viagra, vote Bob" Question: why don't fraternities shovel their sidewalks? Answer: All those young strong men aren't lazy, they're waiting for sorority girls to get stuck and ask them for help. "Oh .. Bobby my feet are cold, can I come in and warm up?"

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: PUBLISHER: EXECUTIVE EDITOR: CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: NATIONAL AFFAIRS EDITOR: ARTS EDITOR: ONLINE EDITOR:

EPITORIAL STAFF MUSIC EDITOR: CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: ILLUSTRATOR:

With Liz Dole entering the presidential race, her husband, former GOP nominee Bob Dole was quoted as saying "Bob Dole would make a damn fine first lady, Bob Dole looks sexy in a dress, Bob Dole knows how to satisfy

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Chris Hayes Matthew Buckley Astrid Phillips

STAFF WRITERS: Michael Austin, John Bach, Josh Benninghoff, Hal Borkow, Dror Baron, Brian Cook, Jay Figurski, Andrew Golding, David Guipe, John Jernstad, Ryan Painter, Amol Parulekar

In light of the Daily's recent criticism of the pro-life movement as trivializing the Holocaust, we find it interesting ' Dror Baron that they have ignored similar offenses BUSINESS STAFF: from the Left. For example, Uzi Benjamin Kepple EDITORS EMERm Benziman, a columnist for HaAretz, Geoff Brown Israel's leading newspaper, recently The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run used his column to refer to the govern- journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Uniing Likud party as "a member of the versity of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary family of fascist parties, as we have donations from the U~ , Contributions to the Michigan come to understand that term in the Review are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code, The Review is not affiliated with 20th century." Hmmrn ... a liberal com- any political party or university political group. pares Jewish conservatives to the likes of Mussolini and Hitler, yet no pro- Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. tests. Hypocrisy!!!

•• ' I Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin· ions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review.

The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of indiNew Year's Predictions: vidual anonymous contributors to the Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of the Reviews 1. Lee "Mop-head" Bollinger will flex editorial stance. The opinions presented in this publication his mighty muscles and physically are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the move the Fleming Administration University 01 Michigan, We welcome letters, articleS, and Building to the center of the Diag. He comments about the journal. ."

will rename the building "The Jessica Curtin Social Justice Cube," in honor of the newly imprisoned activist.

2. Prince William will be caught with his pants down in the company of Scary Spice, thus sparking an English Civil War, which will conclude with Michael Flatly being crowned the new King of England.

3. Saddam will develop prostate cancer, probably as a result of smuggling too much uranium in little plastic baggies down his pants when U.N. weapons inspectors arrive.

The Michigan Reviewis proud to announce that it win soon be purchasing new computing equipment. Finally, we won't have to do layout on these lriggin' ancient Mac Les anymorel Seeing what we've been able to accomplish with this computing handicap, there's no teUing how much havoc we'll wreak on campus with computers that actually possess more memory than a hand-held calculatort

Please address all advertiSing and subscription inquiries to: Publisher c/o the Michigan Review.

Editorial And Business OffIces: 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 481~1265 EMAIL: mrevOumlch.edu URL: http://www.umich.edu/~mrev/

Tel. (734) 647-8438 Fax (734) 936-2505 ~0

Several hundred faculty members recently signed a petition supporting affirmative action ... it figures they would support a system that is not based on merit, since they've been supporting tenure for years ...

Lee Bockhom Sang Lee C. J. Camacchio Matthew Schwartz Jacob Oslick Julie Jeschke Ben Rousch

4. The U-"M's computer system will suffer from Year 2000 problems and issue Honorary Degrees to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.

This box was put here because we ran out of funny ideas to print. So, just sit back and reflect upon what you have just read and contemplate your existence in the world.

1999, by The IIIchIgIn RwIIw, Inc. AlrIghta~

The IIkII/gIIn RavIew Is • membIt of the CoIegIIte NtIwOrk.

Love us or hate us, \vrite us.

The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109 or email with subject "Letters to the Editor": mrev@umich.edu

January 20, 1999

3

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o LEITERS To THE EDITOR

Review a

"B~acon .

DEAR MICHIGAN REVIEW STAFF, I just want to thank you for being the only paper I have found thus far as a freshman in the College of LS&A to provide intelligent and clever analysis of, and commentary on, the U of M. I have read every, one of your papers front and back and cannot say that I can think of anything Idisliked profoundly.

Naturally, I disagree on some points, but overall, the Michigan Reviw is the only beacon of intelligen.ce at the U of M when it comes to politics, society, philosophy, or ideas in generaL One of my favorite articles is Jacob Oslick's attack on SAPAC ("SAPAC: Sex, Lies, and Statistics," Oct. 28, 1998).

Since its first appearance, I have read the letters to the editor that followed and must say that they have failed to address what I feel to be the most important aspect of the article: the turning of an unfortunate fact into a political tool for a certain group's interest specifically, the turning of all men into predators and rapists by p aranoid, afraid, and insecure ultra-feminists, What I think Oslick was trying to say, and what I agree with, is that abuse of

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women is a problem but not all men, in fact very few men, are culpable and we should therefore not be villainized or feared. As for the elections, what do you expect? I haven't heard one person yet say "Hey, maybe responsibility, pride, independence, and individual rights are important!" I have heard only "That isn't fair, how can the people I publici ethnicity I race I gender I be expected to do that?" Thanks once again and keep up the good work.

Geoffrey T. Stanton LS&A Freshman

Reader "Sick and Tired" of SAPAC I AM SICK AND TIRED OF READING the nonsensical letters in which women of the SAPAC ilk are whining about the Review's "sexist" staff and bragging about their victory at the staff meeting.

Sadly, these women actually think that they represent the female population at U of M. Instead, they are noxious to this environment. Members of SAPAC portray women as rude, boisterous, and

of Intelligence"

irrational. They base their arguments on subjective whim, and lack a coherent philosophy. While it is true that SAPAC members are the most vocal of the female population, it is also true that another female voice exists, one that can be found in religion. Many women are rational conservatives, but they exist in churches, synagogues, and temples. Take Roman Catholicism for example. Women, especially Irish women in the early twentieth century, are responsible for the development of the Catholic Church in America. Unlike the explosive SAPAC women, these women value courage, morality, discipline, and the family structure, something devoid in America today. Not only do these conservative women lead the American family, but they have opened the d oors for women in fields such as medicine, law, business, and politics. They have earned respect and are still progressing in these fields because of their dedication to truth and hard work, not from screaming on the Diag. The next time women make another advance in society (which they will), we should credit the rational, . proud, and courageous women in r~:Jj,;. ~

gion, and not the clowns in SAPAC. Scott Behnan LSA Freshman

Daily Parody "Highly

Amusing" TO THE EDITOR: Thank you for the highly amusing parody of the drivel that Michigan Daily columnists put out every day ("How To Bea Daily Columnist, Dec. 9, 1998).

Ihad to plow throughthatstuffwaytoo many times aweek when I was in schooL Thanks for the laugh. Keep up the good work.

II

Oliver Freeman University Alumnus

Fire otI ,\ kIln to lilt' editor:

mrev@umich.edu P1easl' induck \,our nam(' dnd U-iVI atlili~lti()n.

'.

Participate in the 1999 Michigan Review Readership Survey. E-mail reader.sllrvey@umich.edu and tell us:

RUSH QF~;

1.Who you are: student, faculty, gender, major etc.,' 2.What you read in the Review: campus news, politics, humor, arts, sports, etc.'

3. What your favorite part of the Review is; 4. What we should change or add.

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THETA XI BUSY SOCIAL CALENDER

The Michigan Review: A Journal of Neglected ideas

DATE PARTIES ETHERNET INSTALLED 1N EVERY ROOM CO:MPETITIVE INTRAMURAL SPORTS BROTHERHOOD EVENTS

Look for the next exciting, actionpacked issue of the Michigan Review on stands February 10, ' 1999.

It's Kung-Fu for the mind.

Whatever that means.

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ROAD TRIPS TO OTHER CAMPUSES SCHOLARSHlP FILES

1345 W ASHTENAW

THE HOUSE WITH THE WHITE P.IT.LARS IN FRONT

JANUARY 24th-28th, 6-10 PM

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January 20, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o FROM SUITE ONE

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MSA:Overhaul Election Code

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ECENT IRREGULARITIES UNCOVERED BY THE REVIEW INDICATE the stupendous inability of MSA to police its election campaigns. Certain candidates made a mockery of the election rules, committing serious violations without faCing appropriate sanctions. These violations demonstrate the need for MSA to refonn its Election Code for prospective candidates. Specifically, MSA needs to address the following issues: 1. Multiple offenses generate only a single demerit. Essentially, the election board displayed remarkable leniency to candidates or parties who committed the same violation numerous times. Specifically, as currently enforced, a candidate receives the same number of demerits irrespective as to whether he committed the offense once, or hundreds of times. The DAAP used this loophole with maximum efficiency, placing perhaps thousands of illegal posters around campus, yet receiving only a single demerit for one member of the party. As such, they managed to effectively promote their party, at the expense of candidates who diligently observed the aSSigned rules.

2. Virtually all offenses, no matter the spirit or malice involved, earn only a single demerit. However, an obvious disparity exists between offenses designed to prevent defacement of University property (such as no posting on paint), and violations committed to spite or disrespect one's opponents, such as defacing or covering another candidate's posters. Such violations, considering the climate in which they must be committed, deserve an assignment of at least three demerits, in the opinion of the Review.

I. A severe time lag exists between reporting and notification on the status of reported violations. Certain violations were reported which the election board insists it could 110t find . Apparently, one poster in question seemed to have a cloaking device, possibly of Romulan origin, activated whenever an election board member approached to investigate. Yet, rather than notify the recorder of the violation immediately, to pennit him / her to photograph or otherwise physically document the allegation, they instead waited days before responding - if they responded at all, by which time the violation had been corrected. This pennitted election violators a leeway of several days' worth of illegal publicity to correct their "mistakes." Yet, instead of simply requesting the observer's assistance immediately to find the violation, the election board had the gall to insinuate, without proof, that multiple observers were lying.

4. It appears the willingness of election board members to record violations can . be graphed as an inverse function of the number of violations earned by a candidate. Thus, although board members seemed perfectly willing to give the first or second demerit, they expressed severe reluctance on granting the fifth, final, and disqualifying demerit. In the opinion of the Review, a violation is a violation is a violation. To have a degrading scale of enforcement invites corruption and utter disrespect for the rules other candidates must follow.

Under such a system, as we ask in our front-page story, "ls a fair election possible?"

Of course, we recognize the possi\:>ilities for fraud and for framing opposing candidates by falsely reporting allegations. However, the best way to correct such shenanigans is to demand that the election board investigate alleged violations promptly, and notify observers of violations immediately if more proof is required.

In an election campaign that lasts a week, a few days' delay is unacceptable. It should be noted that, had the election board properly enforced reported violations, SP Candidate Kym Stewart would have been disqualified, and DAAP Candidate Courtney Rae Raw ls would hav e won the seat instead. This modification would have altered the partisian balance ofMSA, giving the DAAP a plurality over the SP in the recent elections. Interestingly, two members of the election board responsible fo r in ves tiga ting alleged violations were members of the SP, but none cam e from the DAAP. Although we d eplore the agenda of the DAAP, we CaJU10t endorse electoral incompetence or malevolence to their de triment.

Ch·er,11I, it is ap p,nent th at 1\15/\'5 cu rrent e jection cod e needs major revision.

ExpecLlti()nS to r all pa rties involved need to be clarified. Hopefully, MSA \vill a.ct upon ,lU I" p.'cornmel1da tlOns exp ed itiously and judiciously ; if so, perhaps y\'e em a\· oid i1 !"epeat of the fiasco of Fa II 1998. l'vR _ J' 1

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Keep Tobacco Stocks

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N TUESDAY, JANUARY 12TH, THE MICHIGAN STUDENT Assembly (MSA) passed a r~soluuon favoring divestment of University funds from tobacco stocks. Accordingly, MSA will recommend that the Board of Regents create a committee on tobacco divestment to build consensus on the issue between faculty and students. Currently, the University has approximately one percent of its total $2.5 billion stock portfolio invested in various tobacco companies such as Philip Morris.

MSA's decision and, indeed, the whole debate surrounding the University's tobacco holdings exemplifies another case of political correctness in action and health fascism run amok. Those members of the University who are lobbying for divestment are simply do-gooding liberals who wish to hop on the nation's anti-smoking bandwagon.

Many of those in favor of divestment compare the University's tobacco holdings to those investments it made in companies which did business with the apartheid South African government of the 1980s. Back then the University chose to divest itself of those holdings on the grounds that they were morally and politically reprehensible. Of course, comparing the tobacco industry to the racist South African government of the 1980s is absolute nonsense.

Tobacco is a legal substance and the tobacco industry is a legitimate business that employs millions of hard-working Americans. There is nothing inherently evil about tobacco use or the companies which deal in the tobacco trade. Those who use tobacco products are not immoral nor are they victims, they are Americans exercising their freedom of choice. Tobacco companies are simply participants in the free market system who provide a supply of goods which meet a demand.

The University should direct its investment portfolio accordmg to economic motives, not politically correct dogma. If the tobacco stocks get eliminated, what's next? Should the University not invest in the beef industry because it violates animals' rights, or because red meat is allegedly bad for the heart?

Should the University not invest in the alcohol industry because some people become alcoholics? Perhaps the University should not invest in the automobile industry because cars pollute our precious mother Earth and Al Gore thinks they're bad.

If certain members of the University community cannot sleep at nigh t kncnv ing tha t the Universi ty is makin g money off that pack of Marlb oros Joe Six- Pack just bough t at the local Qui ckie Mart, we su ggest they worry ab ou t m ore pressing campus issues . Perhap s they should ex amine real moral dilem m,\S, such as usin g a form c f racial disc rimination in the admissions process. After "tl, th e Univ er~ity; s admissions process has more in co mmon w ith aparth eid in South Afri ca than it doe:; with the tobacco indu stry. l'vR t.}

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MSA Continued from page 1 For .instance, two candidates and an independent observer each individually e-mailed the election board on Nov. 16 and 17 to report Stewart's violation of section 41.561 of the Code. They alleged that she had placed a poster on a painted lamppost next to the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Library. Each person filing a report included a descrip-

had substantial proof that there was a violation," he said.

In certain instances, observers reported violations to the election board, but by the time,members of the board arrived at the site in question, the posters in violation had been removed. "The problem," said Keslacy, "liesin the timeliness of [the election board's] responSe." In one instance, two observers witnessed multiple violations of sections 41.551 and 41.561 by Jennifer VanRoeyen of the Defend Affirmative Action Party. They separately e-mailed the election board informing them of the violations - all of them on North Campus - which included multiple posters on glass in the EECS Atrium; multiple signs on painted walls in a stairway and at the west entrance of the Dow building; and no inclusion of the required "paid for by" information.

VanRoeyen denied most of the allegations, and claimed that only two of her posters lacked the "paid for by" information. "1 never did anything illegal, intentionally," she said, although she admitted that "it's possible" she might have inadvertently broken the rules.

Michael Austin, a New Frontier Party candidate, said that VanRoeyen's posters were "clearly in violation but stayed up less than a day, and thus ' were not counted."

[Note: Michael Austin is .a staff . writer for the Review.1 "If somebody puts up posters illegally and then realizes they are illegal and takes them down before we see them, we can't give them demerits without some kind of reasonable proof [that they were there]," Serowik said. He went on to suggest that if candidates feared that violations they had observed would be corrected before the election board could verify them, "and they really felt that this person should be

gations1may not have been completely good-faith allegations against [Stewart.1 ... I mean we did investigate all of them and we did look for [the"lneged viola:' tions], but we never fdundjnything."

After claiming that th~' poster was not there, Hovan's Nov. 18 letter to Oslick then cautioned that "falselyreporting campaign offenses is also against the rules, subject to three demerits." Did the election board believe that those reporting the violations were

"You look at the fifth demerit with much more sc~tiny. Everybody's reluctant to disqualify peop Ie." - Joe Bernstein tion of where the violation was located, some very detailed: Jacob Os lick of the New Frontier Party wrote that "the lamppost can be found near the Grad Library, just outside of the Diag area, on the side of the sidewalk bordered by grass (opposite the side of the sidewalk bordered by the Grad Library)"; another candidate wrote that the lamppost was located" on the southeast side comer of the Diag," [Note: Jacob Oslick, currently the national affairs editor of the Review, resigned from, and no longer maintains any official ties with, the New Frontier Party,] Fall 1998 Election Director Alex Hovan responded to Oslick via e-mail on Nov. 18, a full ·two days after the violation was first reported, stating that "[11 searched for, but did not find, the Kym Stewart poster on the light post near Rackham [of] which I had received several complaints." However, had Hovan or any other member of the election board responded sooner, the observers say they would have had the opportunity to physically show Hovan exactly where the violation was taking ' place.

Art and Architecture junior Elizabeth . Keslacy thinks that Hovan was merely unable to find the poster in question. "The elections people supposedly checked on it, but said they could not find it," she said: "New Frontier Party candidates [subsequently1found it, still in its original position on the lamppost." Of COUTse, as indicated above, the offending poster was not located near Rackham at all, but rather outside of the Harlan Hatcher Graduate Ubrary.

Serowik recalled that the poster in question was indeed alleged to have been located near the Graduate Library.

And "eventually we looked there," he said. However, he continued, "there was nothing there, and ... the number of e-mails we were receiving, especially about Kym [Stewart1, was getting to be a little bit obscene." Asked to clarify what he meant by "obscene," Serowik explained that "we were starting to get the impression that some of these [alle-

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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

January 20, 1999

lying? "I really don't know," said Serowik. "Whether I did or not is really not relevant."

One confusing aspect of the Election Code is the vague way in which demerits are distributed. For example, if the election board finds several offending posters near one another, they generally consider it to be one offense, said MSA representative Sumeet Kamik.

Stewart agreed with this logic, claiming that being punished for all of her mistakes "would just be ludicrous, because if I had ten [illegal1 posters up [in the same place] then I'm automatically out for one mistake." When asked whether she committed all of the alleged offenses, she took full responsibility for them; however, she defended her actions by saying they were all related crimes and should be counted together instead of separately. "1'm sure [the students who reported the violations] just probably made multiple reports because ... they saw multiple things, even though it was the same thing."

But what happens if many different observers spot the same types of violations by one candidate in sev,eral different places around campus? According to Serowik, the fact that they were the same type of violation was taken into consideration when demerits were issued. "Our general rule was to give a demerit per offense," Serowik explained. "If those flyers that were still up constituted the same [type of] offense, then we would generally take that into consideration and not necessarily give more demerits" as long as the candidates.seemed to be making a good-faith effort to correct the violations.

Serowik agreed that it was not fair for some candidates to violate the rules and not receive demerits while others ran a fair campaign all along. However, the system is set up so that someone on the election board must see the violation in question in order to punish candidates. "The only kind of violations that we could really give out demerits for were ones that we actually [saw) or _

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According to Serowik, it was inconvenient for members of the election board to travel to North Campus, because "with the people that we had," he said, "none of them really had very regular classes on North Campus." He then added, "but that's not a reason not to check them." When asked if every reported North Campus violation was checked within a couple of hours, Serowik maintained that "that's prob. ably true."

"People like Kim Stewart, Jen VanRoeyen, and the entire DAAP violated the hell out of the election rules." - Anonymous MSA Rep. given demerits," they should do something to prove the violation. "Bring an election board member directly there, take a photograph, I mean whatever it takes," he said. Of course, as noted earler, the election board did not respond to candidates about their inability to find the alleged violations until days later, if at all. Thus, observers had no way of knowing their reports went unrecorded.

As the controversy over VanRoeyen' s violations shows, another problem the election board faces is making timely evaluations of alleged violations in remote locations such as North Campus. Austin felt that the election board "seemed reluctant to go all the way up to North Campus." _ _•_

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Some candidates feel that the election board becomes more reluctant to issue demerits as a candidate approaches disqualification. Was theelection board reluctant to give that fifth demerit? "I wouldn't say that that's necessarily true," said Serowik. '~We didn't disqualify anyone in this election, [but] there were people who were disqualified in the last election. ... We would obviously not like to see people diSqualified, but we have no problem doing it if they have violated the rules."

Joe Bernstein, MSA Communications Chair and former election board member, believes otherwise. "You look at the fifth demerit with much more

See MSA on page 15 - -

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6

January 20, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o SEND LAWYERS,GUNS & MONEY

New Year-':~ Resolutions

T

HE FOLLOWING IS A collection of New Year's resolutions I have written fer various individuals and organizations within the University of Michigan and around the Ann Arbor area. Check to see if you have been denounced . Enjoy!

Frat Boys: We resolve to be more sensitive to our female school chums. (read: Dude, chicks eat that sensitivity crap up like a bulemic at a buffet! We'll score for sure!)

We resolve to Camacchio limit our alcohol consumption. (read: No more than ten beers and five shots an hour.) We resolve to become refined young gentlemen. (read: Burp!

Good one!) We resolve to enchant young ladies with our wit and charm. (read: Roofies, anyone?)

c.}.

Sorority Girls: Like, we resolve to get, like, straight C+'s this semester, so like, our daddies will replace our lame 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokees with sweet new 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokees. Like, we also, like, resolve to make the guys we, like, sleep with feel less awkward the next morning by, like, introducing ourselves first thing when we wake up.

Like, we also, like, resolve to donate our stretched ourblack pants and belly shirts to our, like, our favorite charity, the home for old, washed up, bar bimbos.

The Homeless of Ann Arbor: We resolve to become even more annoying, obnoxious, and smelly during the new year. We also resolve to contribute even less to society than the year before. Now gimme a quarter man! [Personal Note: My solution to the homeless problem is to a) buy them homes and then lock them inside or b) feed the homeless to the homeless.)

Sexual Assault Prevention and .

Awareness Center: We resolve to give up our man-hating ways. We resolve to find us some decent Joes who will take care of us while we cook their meals and bear their young. We also resolve to try to better emulate our new female C,f. Camacchio is the executive editor of

the Review. He resolves to go after every commie,. pillko, Marxist, fem illist, socia/is: , liberal, hippie, scumbog 011 tilis GodItlrSaf.:C/1

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hero, Donna Reed. Knitting is more fun than protesting.

Queen Maureen Hartford: I resolve to continue to persecute, I mean, prosecute all Code violators to the fullest extent of my illegitimate power. I resolve to amend the Code to include the right of the University to employ the torture tactics of the Spanish Inquistion when trying a student. I also resolve to finally admit that I am Heinrich Himmler in drag.

Michigan Student Assembly: We resolve to continue our great tradition of incompetence, betrayal, and political prostitution. We resolve to continue to make MSA the best line on our resumes.

Jessica "Miss White Liberal Guilt 1998" Curtin: I resolve to become the bitch of the biggest bulldyke in prison so she can protect me during those daily shower brawls.

Free Mumia Coalition: We resolve to get another political prisoner to become our cause since our current cause

Jack "The Hack" Schillaci: I resolve to never again copy one of my columns from a major magazine like George. I further resolve to give up my column and start writing novels. I have this great idea about a one-legged whaling captain who spends his life seeking vengeance on a great white whale. I got the idea from this book I read ...

North Campus Engineers: We resolve to build a life-size, working replica of the space station from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and transport North Campus into outerspace. Once there, we will make William Shatner our king.

Live long and prosper.

James "Miller on Crap" Miller: I resolve to stop having masturbation fantasies about having a threesome with James Brown and Miles Davis. I also resolve to stop using the term "trousersnake" in every single column.

Queer Unity Projett: We resolve to have a bathroom in Angell Hall renamed the George Michael Memorial Bathroom and Pleasure Palace. We further resolve to thrust forward into the _.~ew year while remembering to look behind us to see where we came from.

1999 is going to be rough year, so we'll have to grab our ankles and hold on.

Ann Arbor Police Department: We resolve to continue doing our best Eliot Ness impressions so we can stamp out the presence of demon rum on campus, We also resolve to continue to follow our motto: "To serve, protect, and scapegoat." Constitution? We don't need no stinkin' Constitution.

Lee "Day Dream Believer" Bollinger: I resolve to maintain my niceguy, man-of-the-people image long enough to declare myself dictator-forlife. Once I've seized power, I will crush all dissent with my Department of Publie Safety storm troopers. I also resolve to take Ypsilanti by the spring.

Sara "Locked and Bloated" Lockyer: I resolve to like .. , um ... like .. , Oh my God! I totally forgot my resolution! [she then skipped away singing "If I only had a brain" and drinking a Diet Coke.]

,University Admissions: We resolve to continue with our unbiased, color-blind, merit-based admissions process. Ha! Ha! Ha! Had you going there, didn't we?

Professors of W omyn' s Studies, African-American Studies, and American Culture: We resolve to finally admit that we don't teach real courses. ~

Are miUtant, unshaven, left-wing radicals stealing your dorm's copies of the Review?

Visit the Review's website and sign up for a free ~-mail subscription! ~mre

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Defend Affirmative Action Party (DAAP): We resolve to absorb MSA into the BAMN collective. Resistance is futile! We resolve to have MSA focus on such issues as affirmative action, affirmative action, and not to mention affirmative action,

Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center: We resol-pe to give up our man-hating ways. We resolve to find us some decent Joes who will take care of us while we cook their meals and .bear their ' young. We also resolve to try to better emulate our new female hero, Donna Reed. Knitting is more fun than protesting.

The Michigan Daily: We resolv two continue our tradition off joumalistiic excelence and keeep the stewdent body well-inform about campuss tissues? (sic)

Tios Mexican Restaurant: We resolve to continue using only the highest grade dog food in our cuisine. We also resolve to continue to let radical, lunatic feminist organizations dictate our advertising policies.

is about to become a human voltage tester for the state of Pennsylvania. By the way, how do you like your Black Panther? Regular or extra-crispy?

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January 20,1999

7

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o LANTERNS & LANCES

Lee's "Worst of Winter" 1999 .

ONTINUING THE TRADItion begun by Editor Emeritus Benjamin Kepple, I nereby present my choices for the "Worst of Winter" 1999 courses. These are courses offered at U-M that reach new heights in political indoctrination, intellectual stupidity, and waste of taxpayer and tuition dollars.

Whenever we run a "Worst of Winter" column, we inevitably receive complaints that it is unfair to judge courses Lee that we have not Bockhom actually taken.

However, I believe it is fair to assume that when a professor writes their course description for the course guide, they attempt to portray the course contents accurately. Hence, I shall quote extensively from the course descriptions to explain my choices.

Without further ado, here are the "Worst of Winter 1999": History 397, Section 002. The 19608: From Old Left to New Left in Politics and Culture - From the lSA course guide: 'liThe Sixties' is an inter-d.isciplinary course ... meeting to explore political and cultural features of that controversial decade ... including the Free Speech Movement Black Power and Black Arts Movements, Second Wave of Feminism, and anti-Vietnam War movement. Several guests who piayed important parts in the movements of the 19605 will visit the Seminar to dialogue with us."

Now the rise of the radical New Left in the Sixties, for better or worse, is a historical fact, so there's nothing wrong in principle with studying that in a history class. Ye~, "studying" and indoctrination are two different things, and there can be little doubt that this class will be a quick tour of the glorious heroism of the Left in the Sixties, with little problems like its often violent tactics conveniently ignored. Absent a total lack of this type of political indoctri- . nation disguised as "learning," the least the History Department could do is offer a similar, concurrent course on the rise of postwar American conservatism, which has arguably had just as great an impact on U.S. politics as the

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Lee Bockhom is the editor-in-chief of the Review. He desperately wanted to enroll in America11 Culture 496 Sec. 6: Mariachi Perfonuance Ensemble (a real WInter '99 coWse)/ bttl h,e r,an .out of credits.

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New Left. (Ronald Reagan got elected, George McGovern did not.)

History 397, Section 006. Diversity and Affirmative Action: The University of Michigan as a Case StudyOffered as part of U-M's vaunted Diversity Theme Semester, this .c ourse intends to IIprovide students with the opportunity to learn more about the history of diversity and affirmative action in higher educaqon in the U.5. and to undertake original research on the University of Michigan as a case study in the history of diversification. No doubt this course will portray U of Mas a heroic institution in the fightto achieve social justice," defined as the manipu- . lation of admissions standards to achieve the administration's utopian vision of racial balance. I wonder if any of the original research" will involve determining just how many qualified white and Asian students have been II

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course, is ostensibly meant to teach all these illiterate freshmen the writing skills they didn/t learn in America's awful high schools. Instead, it emphasizes whatever g'oofball topic the GSI teaching the course enjoys. Two examples: English 125: College Writing, Section 006 - IIThis course will consider urban culture by examining music, films [why must every English class involve watching films?], and a variety of readings about city life ... Musical influences such as George Clinton, the Velvet Underground, and Puff Daddy will help us see how artists are celebrating their environments, while atthe same time questioning the status quo."

What the hell does listening to Puff Daddy have to do with learning how to write a coherent sentence at the college level?

In English 125, our helpless young freshmen get to learn about hack Hartists" like Puff Daddy and Madonna, while ~,,_" whatever writing ability they may possess slowly rots from disuse. denied admission solely because of their race?

Theatre 399 - Topics in Drama.

Section 001: Queer Theater - From the course guide: "Queer Theater is ... devoted to exploring the plays, ideas, and lives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered playwrights. The course will focus on the individu~ plays, the influence (or lack thereof) of sexuality on the texts themselves, and the historical context of the plays and their authors. Furthermore, each student will explore his or her own theories of theatrical scholarship with regard to sexuality, race, class, and gender, as well as other issues students may wish to explore independently."

I don't think I need to say much more about this one. If someone attempted to offer a course titled "White Theater" or "Male Theatet"at U-M they'd be run out of town on a rail.

Now we come to another degenerate division, the U-M English Department, which allows students to graduate as English "majors" without even taking a course on Shakespeare - perhaps the greatest writer in the English language! Do you think English courses are supposed to deal with literature and writing? Think again. English 125, U-M's }f,l~roductory ~oqLposition • . • - , .....

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Section 017: Rock Stars and American Culture - "The figure of the rock star has been a powerful presence in the American cultural landscape. From Elvis and the Beatles through Michael Jackson, Madonna, and ' anti-rock stars' like Kurt Cobain and Marilyn Manson, our culture has tended to create largerthan-life media heroes in the world of popular music ... In this section, we will think and write about this quintessentially American creation ...

As a writing course, our major goal will be to develop sophisticated thinking and express it in lucid, vigorous prose."

I applaud this section's effort to develop "lucid, vigorous" prose writing about rock stars in all those budding Rolling Stone contributors out there but I question how examining the likes of Marilyn Manson and Elvis is supposed to lead to '/sophisticated thinking." In a course devoted to improving students' writing, one might expect that on top of writing practice the students would be expected to read books or essays by good writers - the idea being that reading good writing necessarily improves your own. In English 125, though, our helpless young freshmen get to learn about hack "artists" like Puff Daddy and Madonna, while whatever writing ability they may P9~!?e.s~ ?l.o~ ly rots fro rIl ~i,suse. l

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Another topic that seems to enjoy favor among the U-M faculty is prisoners and prison. Apparently we're sUpposed to study the horrors of prison life . so we privileged people will feel sorry for lawbreakers. Two offerings from this term: American Culture 410 - Hispanics in the United States. Section 001 ·Women in Prison: Gender and Crime Among Blacks and Latinas - "In this course you will learn about women in prison. This course will focus on the oppression that these women experience before, durin& and after incarceration. Interviews will be scheduled with women at the prison, which will be the basis for a final paper ... we will use abstract categories and scientific constructs to analyze their experiences." . $100 to the first person who can explain what "scientific constructs" is supposed to mean ...

English 411 - Art of the Film. Section 001: Prison and the Artist - "The' United States is the most incarcerating nation in the world ... Several states have brought back prison stripes, chain gangs, and rock breaking. Yet to most of us prisons remain invisible places we ignore or know only through ru':' mors, myths, and the speeches of politicians. This course will address prison reality and culture and the ways in which prisons are repesented to us and to others. Discussions will focus on the works [Le., films - this is an English course, remember] and their implications ... Journals and final project, no exams."

What a surprise, another "English" course where writing takes a back seat to political preaching by the professor!

Of course, for every class I've induded here, there ar~ another five or six putrid offerings I don't have room to discuss. On a positive note, it is still possible for a student to attend U-M and get a good liberal arts education; unfortunately it's akin to searching for a needle in a haystack. Our confused student, searching for courses in the time sched ule that will teach him about what Matthew Arnold called "the best that has been thought and said," is left twisting in the wind by a university that offers piles of trendy intellectual garbage at an outrageous price. l\R

Sound Off: mrev@umich.edu

~--...JJ~ ~~""

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8

January 20, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o PRESIDENTIAL SIGHTINGS

Bowled Oyer By Bollinger

BY MATTHEW

S.

SCHWARTZ

EDISCLAIMER: Thefollowing story is true.

Well, based on a true story. The names have not been charlged to protect the innocent.

Any resemblance to ally actual person, living or dead, is not coil1cidental.}

I

WAS STANDING ON SOUTH University. Dirty, filthy, brown . slush surrounded my feet. The harsh winter air threatened to bite me with frost with each step. I looked up at the sky - the sun was hidden behind the clouds, and all I could see was a harsh white glare. I hadn't seen a gentle yellow haze in months.

I couldn't go home because I had promised my sick friend I would bring him some Ty lenol and a cup of chicken noodle soup. I had already found the Tylenol but there was no soup at the Village Apothecary. There was soup at the party shop next to Taco Bell, but no chicken noodle. So I was on my way to the third store on my list of chickensoup-hiding-places, the Village Corner.

After about twenty minutes in that labyrinth of a store, I found the soup aisle and ventured in. Perusing the shelves, I weighed my options. "Liplun dehydrated powder stuff... Beef Ramen noodles, ooh, only 20 cents a serving! ...

President Bollinger... " President Bollinger?

Standing in the soup aisle,. larger than life, was He who had inducted me into this fine institution - and the one who would send me on my way! Or was it? If it was, I was standing in the presence of the most powerful being at this oh-so-diverse university. But if it wasn't, I was making a fuss over nothing. I knew I should say something, maybe ask if it was really Him ... I'd say something wonderful, something brilliant, something that He would remember for the rest of His life; but I couldn't!

I was frozen.

"Get a hold of yourself, man!" I yelled to myself repeatedly. Yet try as I might, I was unable to muster the nerve.

All I could do was ... stare.

He saw me staring, and in full presidential prowess, He stared back. And in the moment our eyes met, I knew that this was, without a doubt, Mister Shaggy-Do Himself. On my face was a look of astonishment, of pure incredulity. In His omniscience, he grasped my disbelief, and in response, slightly squinted and cocked His head as if to say, "Yes, it is I."

Matthew Schwartz is camplls affairs editor of the Reviewand an LSA sophomore. He is also an aspiring writer for Penthouse Forum. Alld yes, he is heterosexual.

Actually being acknowledged by Bollinger was too much forme! I quickly exited the soup aisle, and in a dizzy stupor, grabbed a hold of the refrigerator case door handle to steady myself. I opened the door and let the frosty arctic blast cool me down. My eyes quickly darted from row to row, seeing the bottles of pop but not really taking anything in. My heart was pounding. I tried to read the labels but the words

to blend into the crowd. But in any case, He was awesome (in the Biblical sense of the word). His golden hair was magnificent in its brilliance, the unkempt strands like a bundle of fiber optics, . with rays of light radiating from each tip.

I was almost physically unable to break my gaze from His hypnotic' do.

After all, while one should never look directly at the sun, it remains a sight to behold. I summoned up all my courage and approached Him. He looked up, and our eyes met once again. I quickly began: "Mister President! It is such an honor to rIreet you. Such an honor!"

Should I bow? What should I do?

"Thank you, thank you," He said with such modesty.

"I mean, I'm serious, Mister President, it is greatto meet you." Too much?

"Oh, oh, thanks, thanks a lot," He replied.

What should Isaynow?Oh,Ihadn't planned this far in advance!! "Umm, uhhh, I'm uh, econ or poli sci," I mumbled.

"What?" He questioned.

Ahh! "1 mean I am either an economics or a political science major," I race-based ad~ssions policy can be clarified. construed as a noble notion, intended "Oh, that's .good." to hetp minorities and to prepare evHe seemed bored. Bored!! "I plan eryone for a life of diversity, it instead to take your class next semester, Mister breeds animosity among whites toward Bollinger, uh, I mean, President minorities who they feel may lack the Bollinger, you know, the one about, qualifications to be here? No, because then He'd probably have His secret umm, uhhh, free speech and the law and stuff, you know ... " Ahhhh!!!! I can't thought police take me into the Fleming think!! I can't speak!!!

Building for reprogramming. So what "Oh, yes," He said. "Yes, well I will could I say that would not end up with look forward to seeing you there."

"Thank You, Mister President!!"

An awkward pause.

"Well then," He continued, "it was nice meeting you."

"You too, sir... You too."

And with that, He turned and walked away, leaving me standing there, reflecting on that which had just occurred. It was over as quickly as it began. I stood still for a moment in contemplation. I had beheld greatness.

This would be a story I would tell to my either one of us screaming in terror?

A little voice somewhere in the back children and my children's children. of my mind suddenly became very loud, I hurried out of the aisle and saw and very clear. Its wisdom was obviHim walking out the door with a stack ous: "Kiss up to Him." of newspapers in His arms. And with Of course! It's always a good idea that, He was gone, and I was once again just a lowly anonymous student, anto kiss up to He who has the power to decide if I can stay or if I must go. other one ~tudent ID out of thousands.

Kissing up was the answer.

And yet, there remained a sense of joy, I walked back into the soup aisle, because He had given me, if only for a hoping He would still be there. Indeed, single defining instant of my life, a He was. Standing back, I beheld His glimpse of the clarity and perfection image. Not quite as tall as I had imagthat comes with the total and complete ined, He came up to about my foreself-confidence and force of character head. He was dressed very casually, in that is Mr. Shaggy-Do. M{ . jeans ~d ~~ellk~~s, mostlike.l y in order

He saw me staring, and in full presidential prowess, He stared back. And the moment our eyes met, I knew that this was, without a doubt, Mister Shaggy-Do Himself. made no sense to me. 1 could sound them out, pronounce them, but "Sprite" was as meaningless now as "Zzrbkto."

"Dammit, man!" my mind shouted.

"This is your one chance to talk to the President! You have seen Him so many times in the newspaper, on television, standing behind podiums - now He's standing not five feet from you, looking at soup! This is your chance to make a great first impression!"

As usual, my mind was right. I had to talk to Him. But what would I say?

Should I tell Him I'm from the Michigan Review? No, He'd run away screaming.

Should I point out to Him that while a

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January 20, 1999

9

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

OBEAUTI

Men - Good; Media - Bad ,

BY JULIE JESCHKE

A

T ANY WEEKLY REVIEW meeting, I inevitably stick out like a sore thumb; peruse the staff box, and you will see that I am the only female writer on staff. However, with this distinction comes opportunities for insight. The Young Conservative Male might be an enigma to the rest of the world, but not to me. I see them in their natural environment, and I'd like to think that I have a basic understanding of what makes them tick The last issue featured a bit of satire by our own Dave Guipe ("Men are from Mars; Women are From Mars, Too, Just Another Part"), which poked fun at females' obsession with their weight and appearance. An upset reader wrote a letter to the Review, admonishing Dave for not realizing that society causes this complex, and saying the preoccupation in today's Beauty Culture is justified. I, too, believe it is justified. But I also know that Dave's satire was completely harmless.

I searched my soul to find the answer to this question: what makes Dave (a young conservative) different from

o CAMPUS LIFE

BY DROR BARON

W

ITH THE ANNUAL apartment-hunting season in full swing aI\d the Greek winter semester rush on the near horizon, considerable discussion is taking place about the economics of the University's dormitory and dining services. At the heart of the matter is the question, "Would students be best off sleeping and eating in the University dorms, at fraternities, or in their own private quarters?" A long expose on dormitory dining costs, which appeared in this fine publication not too long ago, argued from a purely financial viewpoint that the students get scaromed.

The University overcharges, bills us for meals uneaten, and generally takes more than it gives. Such statistical analyses,however, tragically ignore the nicer things about dorm life: the perks that have no dollar value but which add considerably to the standard of living.

Perks like developing close friendships in a cozy, summer-camp-like environment; being exposed to a diverse universe of people and campus activities; and not having to worry about meals and Internet connection and utility bills, or about cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen, for that matter.

Ignoring the money issue, I truly

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the average lecherous, adulterous, JFK, cheap floozy secretary-dating, internseducing liberal? Eureka! He's a conservative - it was so obvious!

Stereotypically speaking, conservatives are "family values" people; the existence of the Moral Right implies the reciprocal existence of the Immoral Left.

Granted, men are men, and tend to behave thusly. Regardless of political affiliation, every man is a sucker for a pretty face. But at least conservatives like Bob Dole have the decency to divorce their old wives before selecting the newer model. Bill Clinton's situation is only a drop in the bucket of collective liberal debauchery.

Conservative males don'taskmuch from their women. They don't expect them to wear fancy clothes, or have elaborate hairstyles - a nice housedress and still-in-curlers hairdo will suffice. Slippers are the footwear of choice, and the money saved on"shoes would be bett~r spent on maternity bills, anyway. She doesn't have to have any special skills beyond being an excellent cook, accountant, housekeeper, driver (she'll be driving the kids to school every day), masseuse, etc., etc.,

but they do expect her to maintain an now stress that I was being completely immaculate house and devote all her sarcastic in the two preceeding paraspare time to the happiness of her husgraphs. After making the seemingly band and children. It's really not much obvious liberal=pervert connection, I to ask, especially when considering the planned to point out the evils of these alternative. future lechers, while praising the virtuThe filthy, sneaky liberal wants all ous conservative man. But I then realized with my minority-induced insight the same things from his spouse, but lacks the em{)tional security or gall to that all men are equal. Dirty jokes, lewd demand them. Instead, he finds himcomments, and testosterone follow self paying for her manicures, pedithem wherever they go - even to Recures, facials, personal trainers, cosview meetings. It doesn't make sense to metics, cosmetic surgery, designer stereotype men base<! on politics, for clothing, (you get the idea), eating takethey are all pigs. Or monkeys. Don't out nightly, paying for surrogate chilmisunderstand me - I love them, dedren (genetically-engineered, natuspite their porcine tendencies. They can't help it and we shouldn't blame rally) and day-care while Ms. Hyphenated Name climbs the corporate ladthem for causing the beauty complex, der: the woman wears the pants in a simply because they appreciate beauty. liberal household. The children evenBlame it on the media. Our culture has dodgy methods for defining the word tually end up stealing the pants from their mother, having both parents "beautiful," and it always sets this stanwrapped around their chubby, juvedard miles above the average Jane. Men nile fingers. The liberal can't expect seem to have their preferences estabanything from his wife, for she expects lished well before the media tries to him to meet her standards (or she'll file insert its meathooks, and this is their for divorce). He would rather pay for alibi. It's easy to blame The Man for her liposuction than face her wrath. women's insecurities, but I think that's But I digress. To avoid hate-mail an ugly thing to do. rvR from angry, decent liberal men, I m~st,路",路,~

Dorm, Sweet Dorm believe the dorms are ideal for firstyear students. They provide a safe platform around which to build a solid social life. Sure, that sounds geeky, but just look at all those guys and gals who rush fraternities and sororities, "rushing" being a cool euphemism for "buying friends." True, being a Greek has its unique amenities. There's the brother/ sisterhood thing, the various intramu-

Rock, and drinking profusely just to prove that "You're one of us, dude!"

Then there's money, withoutquestion every s~dent's biggest concern, besides sex. The bottom line on dormitories is that they are expensive. This year, I'm paying more than $6,500 for my single, compared to the measly $2,300 rent I will pay for the same eight month period next year. However, that

It's simply worthwhile to take it easy for a couple of years in the donns. There you can decide what you want to do and when.

There are no commitments, no attached stereotypes, no pressures. ral athletic programs, and let's not forget the hedonistic weekend ritual of drinking and partying. Other bonuses include subsidizing the Ann Arbor Police Departmentand getting into fights with the football team. In all seriousness, the dorms offer students many of the same athletic and social opportunities, and more - academic advising, libraries, and exercise rooms are but a few - without the initial nuisances of scrubbing bathrooms, painting The '''~''''~'''''''''''N路''

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figure does not include utilities, which will add another one hundred dollars or so to the rent each month. It also doesn't include the headache of actually remembering to pay the utilities.

Then there is the crucial issue of the allimportant Internet connection. Earlier in the year, I paid a one-time fee of fifty dollars or so for a speedy Ethernet hookup through the dorm. That's a real bargain, especially when compared to the huge installation and monthly fees as-

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socia ted with a purchasing a similar connection through a private company.

Though a seemingly trivial issue, the predominance of e-mail and the Internet on this campus - a predominance which will only increase with time make a fast connection (e.g., cable or Ethernet) at home indispensable.

Another financial plus of dorms is that they are a work-study Mecca, with generous pay scales and the convenience of literally working at home.

Currently, dormitory cafeterias hire students at the healthy starting wage of $7.10 an hour; you won't be paid nearly as well doing the same job anywhere else on campus. Dorm libraries, .front desks, and computer sites provide additional employment right on the premises. Consequently, by taking full advantage of these vast financial resources, one could potentially earn more than $2,000 performing easy tasks without ever having to leave the cozy confines of his or her dormitory.

Finally, what a lot of it boils down to is that it's Simply worthwhile to take it easy for a couple of years in the dorms.

There you can decide what you want to do and when. There are no commitments, no attached stereotypes, no pressures. It's the perfect way to kick off an enjoyable college experience. rvR

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10

January 20, 1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o INTERNATIONAL

Welcome to Euroland .

BY JACOB OSUCK

URRENCY TRADING IS about as much fun to write about as it is to talk about. That is to say, not much. So how can one spread word about an issue of phenomenal importance and immaculate boredom? Of course, I'm speaking about the Euro, the European Union's attempt to unite aU of Western Europe under the umbrella of a single cur~ rency. To help spice up the Euro's in~ troduction, EU bureaucrats are employing a variety of means. For example, they now publish a children's comic book entitled "Captain Euro," featuring a caped crusader herOically fightinghoards of evil, greedy currency traders. Even "Euroland/' the unofficial moniker for the territory where the Euroserves as legal tender, smacks as more befitting a theme park then a macroeconomic anomaly. Fortunately, Euroland won't require a superhero to survive, and its progress so far indicates the currency transformation will more resemble a smooth ride in the country, not a roller coaster.

So what specifically is Euroland?

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Essentially, it constitutes an area stretching from Ireland to Finland to Italy, where member countries have agreed to give up national currencies. Thus, by 2002, no longer will German Marks, French Francs, or Italian Lira exist. instead, people throughout the continent will conduct day-to-day transactions in Euros, the new currency. In the interim, the Euro replaces national currencies in all electronic transactions, allowing continent-wide, cost-free movements of capital. Eventually, its backers hope Euroland will extend into the former Soviet Bloc, and include current holdouts such as the United Kingdom, Greece and Norway.

So, now that we've established what the Euro is, we must ask: what costs and benefits will it bring? Here, the subject matter becomes more com-

University of Michigan Students • Are your economics professors hostile to the Free Market?

• Are they still teaching the failed doctrines of Lord Keynes?

If so, help is just an e-mail away!

The Mackinac Center for Public Policy, a free market research institute, offers "Ask the Economist," an interactive Web site feature to help guide students around economic fallacies.

Navigating your way to economic truth can be a challenge.

Economic errors abound, and the line between political , opinion and established principles is often blurred.

Expert help based on modem economic schoiarship is only 24 hours away.

go to

www.mackinac.org

and look for the "Ask the Economist" icon

flex. On the surface, the Euro remains pressure. Thus, the Euro's introduction a simple economic change. Specifically, implies relatively stable European prices it will permit cost-free, cross-country for the foreseeable future; the right enviinvestment. Currently, if a Frenchmen ronment for growth and investment. wants to fivest in Germany, he must Similarly, the Euro mandates strinpay his workers in Marks. To do this,he gent fiscal policies, and already has must convert Francs to Marks, and pay curbed reckless European spending. To a fee for the conversion. When he then qualify, Italy dramatically reduced its sells this product in Germany, he refiscal deficit, as did France. Not only that, c e i v e s but Euro members must keep their budMarks as get deficits below 3% of GDP, or face pro fit s . hefty fines. By keeping budget deficits !

However, low, theEuroshouldboostnationalsavin order to ings rates - a key for igniting growth. act u a 11 y Lastly, the Euro could supplement spend these the dollar as theworld's leading reserve profits in currency. This will permit Europe a France, he luxury the U.S. now enjoys: painless trade mustrecondeficits. Essentially, many countries hapvert them to pily exchange goods and services for the F ran c s , little pieces of paper' produced quite again paying a transaction fee. Not only cheaply by the U.S. Federal Reserve that, but throughout the duration of his Board. This amounts to the United States invest~ent, he must worry about receiving an interest free loan: they give Franco-German monetary policies. If us things they worked hard to make, in for example, France holds to tight exchange for our IOU's that they never money, while Germany propagates income to collect. However, with the Euro's flation, the Franc will gain strength, introduction, we can expect countries to sharply reducing the paper value of his balance their currency holdings by German investment. The Euro elimi-~.....~umping dollars for Euros. In the short nates this host of problems. As a result, term, many economists are predicting a we can expect that the Euro will prodeclining dollar. However, in the longmote increased multi-national investterm our loss of a premier foreign curment, and by eradicating transaction rency position will only minimally damcosts, boost economic efficiency. It also age our economy. At the same time, ends the persistent American businesses problemofcoun~es ICurrencies in 1 Euro will ~agnanimously purposefully dnv. . . benefIt from lower ing down the value Austrian ShIlling 13.76 transaction costs on of their currency to Belgium Franc 40.34 European investment, promote exports, Finish Markka 5.95 more than balancing triggering a French Franc 6.56 out any loss. devaluationary, G M rk 196 So,assumingyou . l 'In a . h arm f u 1 spIra .erman stuck through my 1ecneighboring coun- Irish Punt .79 ture of currency trad1936.27 ing, you see that, altries unwilling to see Italian Lira 2.20 though the Euro their trade balance Dutch Guilder decline.

Portugese Escudo 200.48 doesn't exactly evoke . h Peseta166 the same kind of interThe second ben- S . more p hil 0panrs .38 est e fit IS as say, the p resI-. sophical: the removal dent quite literally tryofpoliticsfrommonetarypolicy,.Specifiing to be the father of our country, it cally, many countries, such as Italy, traremains perhaps the most important gloditionally fell victim fo "election ecobal event since the collapse of communomics'!: before elections, governments nism. The Euro will Simplify trade, help would print currericy. In the short run, destatistize the European economy, and prices stay sticky, so the increase in the rival the dollar in international impormoney supply excelerated growth. Howtance. For those students planning to ever, in the long term, growth in the travel tp Europe in the next few years, it money supply only pushes up prices, will also make travelling from country to send the shocks of hyperinflation country much simpler. Once it goes into throughout the country. In fact, polls circulation, prospective tourists will not indicate that Italy maintains such a need to change their money in each counstaunchly pro-Euro position precisely try they visit - and waste what they because they want to get saved from cannot spend. Thus, while you shouldn't themselves. With the introduction of the expect Captain Euro to replace SuperEuro, monetary policy shifts from naman on the hierarchy of superheroes, his tional governments to a monolithic censtature might place him above say, tral bank, non-responsive to political Aquaman. 1VR

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January 20, 1999

11

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

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The Best Ptz.~a J oint in Town

BY DAVID GUlPE

I

T'S FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU AND your girlfriend are curled up on the couch, watching the latest Jackie Chan movie. You feel confident that this is going to be a great night when all of the sudden your girlfriend informs that she's hungry.

"I'm hungry/' she informs you. You nervously pick up the phone book to look for a pizza place, realizing that the rest of the evening hangs on this decision. You open up to the yellow pages only to find several hundred pizza places, each guaranteeing you that they're the best place around. You look over at your girlfriend. She gives you that "I KNOW you'll make the right decision," look. Wh(it do you do? What do you do?

Congratulations! You've just encountered that age-old problem that has plagued students for decades: just exactly which pizza place is the best in town? Right now you're probably thinking, "Dave, this scenario is completely ridiculous. No girl would ever watch a Jackie Chan movie." Well, okay, that part was for dramatic effect. But that

o SPORTS

doesn't change the point of the story. I mean, how many of us haven't ordered from a pizza place and been totally aghast at the quality of the pizza, the time it took for delivery, the fact that the store's motto is "Tip us or we'll spit in your pizza," etc? I have pttrsonally been on a quest for quite some time to find Ann Arbor's number one pizza joint. In my opinion, in order for a pizza place classify as "the best," it's going to have to contain the following three factors: 1. Great-tasting pizza.

2. Efficient delivery service.

3. Dancing monkeys.

Well, I was just aboutto give up the search and go back to eating gruel, err... dorm food on Saturday nights when who should save the day but the trusty RAs at Couzens Hall. Not too long ago, a group of RAs decided to have a pizzatasting contest in Couzens. It was held as one of their programs" - hall activities that RAs are required to organize every now and then, to force their residents to spend quality time together.

Anyway, the RAs were able to convince eight of Ann Arbor's most wellknown pizza places to participate in If

the competition. Each donated a sample deserved free meal." of their pizza with the hopes of being Just when I had given up all hope of mooching off the system, er, coverdeemed "The Greatest Pizza Place in the Whole Wide World." The contesing the story, the RAs arrived with the pizza. The song "We Are The Champitants, who all deserve some credit for ons" could be heard in the background their generosity, include Little Caesars, as they triumphantly entered the room, Faz, Jet's, Cottage Inn, Domino's, NYPD, DaVinci's, and Pizza House. carrying the pizzas in one hand and a ThecontestwasheldintheCouzens cattle prod in the other Gust in case).

Finally, the contest got underway. A拢Hall library . I, being the dedicated journalist that I am, realized that if I chose ter the Devouring of the Pizza and sevto cover this event, I had no choice but eral seconds of deliberation, the verdict to participate in it. The library was was clear. The number one pizza place in Ann Arbor is none other than packed with poor college students, all anticipating the free food. I found a (drumroll, please)Jet's Pizza! The residents of Couzens Hall overwhelmingly comfortable chair and began to wait.

And wait, and wait, and wait. I was picked Jet's as the place with the best pizza in town. Taking second place was beginning to worry. What if the RAs who went to get the pizza had run into Pizza House and coming in third was Faz, who impressed us all with his exsome trouble? What if they had encountered evil villains who plotted to cellent service. Honorable mentions go to DaVinci's and Domino's. steal our pizza?

Evil Villain: "Ha! I am an evil villain There it is, friends'- all the inforand I am going to do, uh, lots of villainmation you need for the next time you're in one of those awkward pizza decious things unless you hand over your sion-making situations. Now all you pizza to me!" (diabolical laughter acmen out there know which pizza place companied by a very convincing clap of thunder) to call the next time your girlfriend gets RA: "You fiend! Now the residents of one of those late night cravings. That's Couzens Hall will never get their w~~-~ right: whichever one she wants. l\R

The Bastard Sponsor Comes Home

BY BRIAN COOK

I

T'S OFFICIAL: RAMPANT over-commercialization has come to Detroit. For those of you who have no clue about what's going on in the world around you (read: Dailyeditors), Comerica is paying 66 million dollars to bastardize the new Tiger Stadium. For a period of 30 years, anyone who pays the slightest attention to the Tigers must simultaneously pay attention to the wonderful checking options offered by your local Comerica branch.

Thirty years from now, 66 million dollars will buy you dinner and a movie, and Comerica gets to have a stadium.

That doesn't seem very fair to me, mostly because when Joe Falls and the other old men who attends the Tigers' games die, Come rica will essentially advertise to the ghost of AI Kaijne.

Nevertheless, this represents the last straw for me. My commercial tolerance meter now reads zero.

Years of passive acceptance of such blasphemous ~ntities as the FedEx Orange Bowl, 3Com Park, and the "Carquest-Micron PC-Pepsi-Church of This cohmm has been hrought to you by Brian Cookimd lViiI-Marl. Hate him? New

Cool; Voodou Dolif: arc 50%! Poke him lt~!!erc it lillrt.'! Wai-Alart makes it possible.

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Outback Steakhouse with New Greasy Onion Thing, 50% Off for a Limited Time, Hurry In Now Bowl" ends now.

They even got the Rose Bowl. It's bad enough that Keith Jackson decided to retire and we have to tolerate Brentfreaking-Musburger as the voice of college football, but now even the Rose

stuff like television and those supermarket samples. Every American treasures his free stuff only slightly less than he treasures his First Amendment rights. But what benefit do we derive from the new Cellular Phone Company Dome? None. My latest calculations show that the average American family of four can only afford to go to a profes-

Close out your Comerica Bank accounts, ship with UPS, and for the love of the Rose Bowl, ,avoid AT&T at all costs. The time has come to take back our bowl names, our stadiums, our airwaves., Bowl is sponsored? As they say on the Diag, I'm whiny as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.

So I urge you who read my column (read: the Review staff and Mom) to boycott these companies. Close out your Comerica Bank accounts, ship with UPS, and for the love of the Rose Bowl, avoid AT&T at all costs. The time has corne to take back our bow 1names, our stadiums, our airwaves. We will alwavs have commercials; they constitute ,\ necessarv part of getting free

sional sporting event if they sell the child who "they love just as much, really" to Malaysian slave traders.

Meanwhile, the NBA players still complain that they can't afford vintage cars for all 37 illegitimate children they've spawned. Sergei Fedorov bought the Kremlin with last year's 28 million dollar salary. Quarterback, Scott Mitchell makes more money sitting on the bench looking stupid than the average Lions' fan will see in his entire tortured

t~xistence.

I'll tell you what the professional . sports world could really use: a fans' union. Currently, labor disputes revolve around who enjoys the more ridiculous profit margin. Imagine, if you will, a fat, shirtless man with one of those foam fingers and a $12.50 beer busting in on Billy Hunter and David Stem and demanding a 50 percent cut in ticket prices. They'd have to capitulate, because the fans' union would wield the ultimate hammer: income. If no one watches, if no one bothers to care, the leagues will shrivel up faster than a Michigan State grad's career opportunities. The power rests ultimately with us.

However, we fail to exercise this power every time the leagues present us with an opportunity. This cause has no leader, no organization, no momentum, though I know it is much more important to the average American than the falsified tragedies half a world away that are currently the" cool" causes. We need to build a "new, militant movement" and sweep the nation with the plight of our cause. Because even when the lockout ends, we are on the outside, looking in. Fans of the world, unite. l\R. Sponsor the Review. We're practi~;:: eally Htl'ean'iing, "Bastardize tis! ;,;., . Bastardize us~路, Your,ad here. ;,'

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12

January 20,1999

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW

o BASKETBALL

Asselin Steps Up for Wolverines

BY ANDREW GOLDING

S

TEVE FISHER IS SMILING and perhaps marveling at the playofhisformerrecruit,a6'11" forward formerly regarded as a beanpole. For Josh Asselin, once considered a project, now poses a legitimate scoring threat as a vital member of this year's Michigan basketball team.

In an 84-74 victory over Ohio State on January 16th, Asselin posted careerbests for a third straight game: 22 points, 10 rebounds, 4 blocks, and 3 assists. In the process, he proved himself a solid scorer, complementing veteran guards Louis Bullock and Robbie Reid.

Versus OSU, Asselin was all over the floor, terrorizing the Buckeyes.

Asselin blocked shots by guards Scoonie Penn and Michael Redd as they entered his paint area, performed a near chinup while dunking, fed Reid for an open trey, and nailed a jumper to seal the contest. Currently sans nickname, Asselin's performance should inspire some to call him "Mr. Ubiquitous."

The improvement of the sophomore forward is epitOmized by his hair, which he transformed from a dyed-

dirty blond rug to a threatening, shavedto-the-core, Demi Moore "G.!. Jane" getup. Displaying consistent effort, Asselin now battles for rebounds and position in the post, and sets hard screens. Early in the 2nd half, Asselin fought for inside position, rebounded a Bullock miss. His subsequent attempt was off and he again grabbed the rebound. After another miss, he controlled the board and finally laid the ball in. Overall, three attempts, three offensive rebounds, and two hardearned points for Asselin.

Justifiably overshadowed by Asselin, Bullock contributed 19 points and held Redd, a bigger, stronger player, to 3 of 12 shooting. Both guards have pro-potential and the matchup may be among the first of many.

Redd attempted to isolate and post the smaller Bullock, but puch tactics rarely succeed in the college game, where zone defenses and off-the-ball double-teaming are allowed. Bullock received help from teammates, and Redd's own oft-wayward shooting.

Years from now, Redd will likely dominate Bullock if they are matched up, as the OSU guard is simply too big for U-

M's star. On this day, though, Bullock dominated, hitting four treys and leading his team to victory.

U-M's win places them at 9-9 overall and 3-2 in the Big 10, squarely in the middle of the pack. Chances of a NCAA Tournament berth are long forgotten, but an NIT appearance remains a possibility, considering U-M's national prominence and alumni support U-M's .500 clip is not buzzworthy, nor was their embarrassing 44-point loss at Duke on D~cember 12th. Yet, this year's team has made remarkable strides. Only months ago, center Peter Vignier was hitting the basket when attempting to feed Asselin in the post.

Against OSU, Vignier hit him square in the hands, leading to easy conversions.

Many wondered how U-M would score points this season, as their only proven threats were Bullock and Reid.

In November, December, and parts of January, the answer was: they didn't.

But recently, Asselin stepped up as UM's third cog and a much-needed inside presence to offset the guards' outside bombing. Michigan has also improved its ball movement, rarely leaving Reid and Bullock to fend for: theiil-

selves when setting up the offense; UM's 84-points versus OSU was among the highest of the season.

Home victories over top 25ers Wisconsin, Indiana, and OSU have led the crowd to deem each opponent, "O-verra-ted ... O-ver-ra-ted." For the first time since Dugan Fife, U-M students and fans seem energized at games. One can no longer hear Coach Brian Ellerbe screaming for his players to screen, or Vignier's groans as he lumbers up the court. Indeed, the "Maize Rage" may be more than just putrid yellow t-shirts.

Of course, not everything has improved. U-M remains a different team on the road, and a hesitant one at that.

Vignier still seems robotic when shooting, though in fairness his progress is evident. Freshman Leon Jones has trouble finding his shot, handling the ball, and staying out of foul trouble; his turnovers (5) and fouls (4) againstOSU were his only notable statistics. And UM is not in the top 25 or even close, so no one can deem them "O-ver-rated." Such a designation is an honor, in a sense.

Ellerbe stated this October that "We'll give it a fight." To date, he is a man of his word. M{

NBA: Back From the Dead?

BY HAL BORKOW

T

HENATIONALBASKETBALL Association came shockingly dose to doing the unthinkable -canceling its 1999..1999 season. Ironically, the most financially successful and commercialized professional sports league of the 90s teased its fans by flirting with this very unmarketable possibility.

Billy Hunter, Union head., did his very best to bully the players, yet in the end, they didn't buy his rhetoric. The borderline NBA'players as well as many of the non-superstars would have lost too great an amount of their income, had the season been cancelled. In the aftermath of this fiasco the media may focus on Michael Jordan's retirement, but the fans ought to be thanking the Scott Burrells of the NBA for breaking with th~ Players Union and allowing the season to commence. So let's put profeSSional basketball up there with death and taxes. Sports fans can count on its survival, if not its surging popularity.

Numerous questions surround this NBA season. First and foremost, how will Michael Jordan's retirement affect the NBA? Conventional wisdom suggests that it will unqu~tionably hurt professional basketball..But the league,

the media and the fans knew that this day would come. This decision may actually benefit the league. For example, the Eastern Conference is now an open field, with numerous teams having a shot to make it to ~e Finals; Thankfully, we will finally have a playoff that is not anticlimactic in this conference; an interesting battle for supremacy will develop with Indiana, Miami, New York, Atlanta, and Charlotte in the mix.

I can't imagine I'm the only basketball fan that got sick of a seemingly predetermined Eastern 'Conference Champion. Sure, the TV ratings will decrease if it's an Indiana-Charlotte conference final, but I expect true basketball fans will appreciate the greater parity in the league this year, something it has lacked for too long.

Truthfully, there existed borderline fans who would watch four NBA games a year; all ending with Michael Jordan swishing the game-winning basket in the final game of each of his respective playoff contests. The NBA may assume that these fans generate any high ratings it achieved in the past; still, the NBA underestimates the creative potential of the sport it promotes.

As long as the game continues to develop with infusions of new and talented athletes, the sport will move on, and the league will, too.

Yet many claim that no heir to jordan's talent exists; that he exemplifies the pinnacle of human basketball existence. Which current players will carry the torch and lead the NBA into a new era? Naturally, Michael jordan's basketball career cannot nor should not be recreated by Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, Grant Hill, or any other young player the media obnoxiously labels as the Second Coming. However, the sheer quantity of pure talent that exists in the league today is simply awesome. When Wilt Chamberlain suggests that if he were inhis prime today,he could dominate to a greater capacity than when he actually played, recognize that he is full of hot air. In Chamberlain's day, only one center could neutralize him: Bill Russell. Today, there would be several: Shaquille O'Neal, Hakeem Olajuwon, Dikembe Mutombo; perhaps even Dennis Rodman, the most versatile defensive player in the history of the sport, could hassle Chamberlain in the pain. Indeed, today's players are redefining their assumed positions.

Guards like Iverson, Bryant, Stephon Marbury, and Anfernee Hardaway have the uncanny ability to set up their teammates like a classic point-guard, and the ability to score like an off-guard. Sleek, athletic forwards are reshaping their positions, too -

demonstrating skills that transcend the traditional Ioles and expectations that defined their positions. Even a sevenfooter such as Kevin Garnett now possesses the versatility of a forward and the springs of a guard. Basketball is a sport where individuality reigns. There may never be another Jordan. But let's allow the athletes in the coming years to place their individual mark on the game before we start overdramatizing jordan's loss to the league.

Possibly the question most concerning NBA is this: will fans come back to the NBA, despite the shortened season and no all-star game? Perhaps the NBA will rejuvenate, but only slowly. The strike affects some franchises more than others. For example, if the Bulls dismantle, the best basketball team in the city of Chicago this year may well be DePaul. However, once March Madness ends and the NBA playoffs begin, my hunch is that the basketball fans interested in the playoffs of yesteryear will be interested in this year, too. Remember that basketball is not the only sport that has had a postseason after a strike-shortened regular season-baseball did it in '81, and football held its Super Bowl in '83 despite a regular season of only nine games. These sports have rebounded, and basketball can, too. M{

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Dethroning tthe Prince of Egypt

BY JACOB OSLICK

I

INITIALLY HELD HIGH HOPES for Dreamworks' The Prince of Egypt, an animated bio-epic about Moses. Before releasing the movie, Dreamworks solicited the blessing of a plethora of religious leaders, from the Christian Coalition to the President of

7Iie Prince of1:gypt Directed by Nick Fletcher Dreamworks SKG Yeshiva University. Sadly, I found my.self immaculately disappointed.

Honestly this sounds egotistic, but I can't fathom what these ecclesiastical personalities find worthwhile in this rag of a film. Specifically, the movie transforms Moses from a dynamic, flawed leader into an action hero. As such, it switches the focus of the Exodus story from the establishment of Israel as G-d's holy nation, to a sibling rivalry (Moses and Pharaoh).

Actually, considering the politically correct climate among America's studios, I found the alterations to Moses'

Mumia continued from page 1 extreme, but unemployed journalist, was present at the scene, the Philadelphia Police Department orchestrated a massive conspiracy to frame him.

Among other things, Mr. Jamal's supporters claim that police coerced witnesses into testifying towards an "acceptable" version of events, fabricated ballistics testimony, and concocted a faulty confession, all to silence Mr. Jamal, whom they considered a "threat."

In fairness, certain irregularities existed in the Abu Jamal case. Among other things, police never conducted a Neutron Activation Test (NAT) on Mr. Jamal right after the shooting, to see if he fired a gun that morning. However, this anomaly existed not due to police carelessness or oversight, but rather to the peculiar facts of the case. Specifically, Mr. Jamal struggled with the police before they successfully apprehended and cuffed him. These two actions immediately contaminated his hands, invalidating a NAT. In addition, before expiring, Officer Faulkner succeeded in shooting Mr. Jamal, causing police to rush him to the hospital for surgery, bt'tore they ,'ollld do any tests. }\llhough Uti, column does not ,:,ufikient room to ex amil1L' al~'~ cienunhcvery m\'th ~)ropagated ?\1r.

Jamal's supporters, I will brieHy illUlTll-

character surprising. For example, the Bible paints Moses as an eighty-year old man with a speech impediment when he returns to Egypt. He also lacks courage-demanding that G-d permit his brother Aaron to speak for him, and stalling at an inn on the way back to Egypt. Yet, in the movie, Moses remains young and virile, voiced eloquently by Val Kilmer (Val Kilmer?!).

Courageously, he faces Pharaoh without the help of Aaron, and voices only minimal protest to the All-Mighty. The Bible also portrays Moses as a flawed hero. For example, when he kills an Egyptian whose beating a Hebre.w slave, he does so only after looking ensure none are around to witness the crime. In the movie, he literally leaps over people and objects, to slay an Egyptian in broad sight of say, several thousand people. By correcting both his physical and spiritual defects, the movie castrates the essence of Moses, transforming him into a generic movie hero.

Although the movie disrespects the story's strengths with respect to the elderly and handicapped, it p.c.'s towards women. In the Bible, Miriam, Moses' sister, and Zipporah, his wife, play a

minimal role. On the other hand, the window at Egypt's destruction, and almovie inserts Miriam and Zipporah always seeing Moses' as a constant, permost everywhere, including scenes that sonalnemesis. Of course, the Bible clearly make little sense. Interestingly, the two enunciates that the Plagues resulted not roles they have in the Biblical story go from brotherly aggrandizement, but to unrecorded. For instance, the movie igdisplay G-d's signs and wonders to !snores a Biblical story about Zipporah rael, and convince Pharaoh to free her. saving Moses'life. Similarly, the movie Even the title suggests this problem. contains no reference to Miriam's proDreamworks titled this movie, "The phetic abilities.

PrinceofEgypt." As such, the title places This last topic leads me to perhaps Moses, and specifically, Moses' Egypmy central problem with the movie, the tian, non-Hebraic qualities at the film's center. No reference to the creation of a relative absence of G-d and his mission nation, from bondage to sovereignty in for Israel. While Moses is not inconsequential to the Biblical story, the Bible their own land, with a divine mission as places the emphasis on the Exodus, not a priestly people. the individual. Symbolically, Jews today In fairness, The Prince of Egypt disportray this by limiting references to plays the most stunning animation I've ever seen. In particular, the splitting of Moses in the Haggadah (a book read during the Passover meal) to two orless. the Sea of Reeds (often mistranslated Yet in the movie, the giving of the Torah Red Sea) left me breathless. And, despite cons4ffies a grand total of maybe five the story's problems, it remains a good seconds of screen time. Even G-d, played tale. It just is not the story of Moses. by, uh... Val Kilmer, seems removed from Further, everywhere they deviate from the Biblical account they do so to the the movie. Aside from the burning bush, G-d comes into play maybe twice more movie's dramatic detriment. If you want - roughly a few seconds each time. This to see a marginal, but visually spectacular movie, go see The Prince of Egypt. I is most telling during the Ten Plagues.

The movie musically portrays the Ten personally recommend readingthebook Plagues with Pharaoh looking out l)is,路楼""-mstead.Mt

nate what their theory entail; the police bribed or scared six witnesses (induding Mr. Jamal's own brother) into silence or testifying for the prosecution; a hospital security guard fabricated a confession - despite reporting it to her supervisor in writing the day of the shooting; two police officers lied about hearing a similar confession, etc ... Of course, this theory implies that the police placed a higher priority on framing an unemployed, marginal journalist than on catching a cop-killer.

To "prove" their theory, the defense presents five witnesses, only two of which actually claim to have seen the shooting, yet all of whom display laughable credibility. For example, one" star" witness; Veronica Jones, while refusing to say she saw the shooting, admits to being heavily intoxicated by alcohol and pot at the time of the shooting. Not only that, but she only changed her story, for the fourth time (to state she saw someone running at the crime scene), after a mysterious donor paid two years' worth of back rent she owed on her apartment. Another "key witness," William Singletary, who claims to have seen another man kill Faulkner, purports a version of the events so impossible that even Leonard Wineglass, Mr. Jarnal's attorney, questions its truthfulness. For example, Mr. Singletary claims he saw police helicopters at the crime scene, and that ~,fr. Jamal wore (, /, safari 5Ujt like the Arabs wear." In fact, Mr. Jamal was dressed normally at

the time of the shooting, and the Philadelphia Police Department has never owned a helicopter. As for the other witness who insists he saw the shooting, William Harmon, Mr. Wineglass considers his testimony So insignificant (or fraudulent) that he didn't even mention Mr. Harmon in his June 17, 1998 letter to the New York Times, although he does mention both Ms. Jones and Mr. Singletary.

On the other hand, the prosecution has produced five witnesses, most of them solid, confirming Mr. Jamal as the killer. They have produced concrete ballistics testimony proving Officer Faulkner was shot from less than a foot away (unlike the defense witnesses, who claim Faulkner was shot from a distance). They have produced proof that Officer Faulkner was shot with a .38 caliber gun, the same gun found on Mr. jamal's person at the scene. And, unlike the unfounded accusations of Mr. Jamal's supporters, police officials scrupulously avoided embellishing the evidence. For example, Mr. Wineglass frequentlydtes as "proof" of Mr. Jamal's innocence the fact that police never "sniffed" Mr. Jamal's gun to see if ithad been fired that morning. However, if police were really intent on framing Mr. Jamal, as the defense asserts, why didn't they iabricate a "sniff" test:' Not only is this test authoritative, it abo can never be replicated. Tnerefore, had tl:,o' police fabricated a' sniff" test,Mr. Jan~;;\i could never successfully dispute it.

Of course, many of Mr. Jamal'" supporters are more eloquent and civil then the gentlemen who publish MIM Notes. In fact, Mr. Holmquist remained calm and logical throughout our interview. However, his civility belies the fact that he relies upon the same flawed theories as the "extremists." I must even note that he successfully discredited prosecution witness Cynthia White. Yet, both he and MIM assert, together with Mr. Wineglass, that Mr. Jamal is victim of a grand police conspiracy. Yet all provide only the flimsiest of proof of any conspiracy whatsoever. On the other hand, all ignore convenient information. For example, Mr. Holmquist denied a written record of Mr. Jamal's "hospital confession" existed. In reality, the state entered such a record into evidence at the 1982 trial. Even Mr. Wineglass makes frequent references to witnesses seeing a perpetrator "running away," from the crime scene, when in fact, they only testified to see someone" running," and in one case, explicitly denied seeing anyone "running away." In short, manner, not methods form the only differential between the whackos who publish MIM Notes, and our local Free Mumia chapter. After alL none can escape the sobering fact that their hero, Mumia Abu Jamal, murdered a Philadelphia Police Officer iI' cold blood. 1111S fact is backed Ht:) solid, nmltl-faceted evidence, even it was produced ill a country A11M NAes identifies as the "United Snakes," l\R

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January 20, 1999

J.J Mus~he Tragically Hip's Rob Baker range of cities. Kingston is a small town, mostly a University town. I guess you'd compare it to a Harvard or Princeton, kind of the snooty upper-class type schools. It also has eleven penitentiaries, so you have both sides of the coin rubbing against each otl\er. It makes things interesting in the bars across town. As a band coming out of Kingston you can't just appeal to the college kids, you also have to appeal to the bikers and social workers. Its a pretty interesting cross-section.

BY MICHAEL AUSTIN

S

INCE THEIR FORMATION IN Kingston, Ontario in 1986, the Tragically Hip have grown to become one of Canada's biggest bands. With a reputation for remarkable live performances, they are finding loyal new fans every day. The Tragically Hip's most recent release, Phantom Power, is the band's eighth studio release.

I had a chance to speak with the Tragi-

'Iragica[Ey 1iip

Whats the typical group of fans you usually get at a show?

The Palace of Auburn Hills Friday, February 12th

cally Hip's lead guitarist, Rob Baker, while all a break from their tour. They will be at the Palace of Auburn Hills on Friday, February 12th, and are guaranteed to give you your money's worth.

Michigan Review: How long are you in Kingston?

Rob Baker: Early next week we head out to Toronto for a video shoot, then we go out to St. John's New Brunswick for an arena tour.

Have you found a lot more success in the United States with the new album?

We've certainly gotten more radio play, and all the shows have drawn well. I think on our last leg, only one show drew fewer people than the previous one.

What do you think about playing bigger arenas now? I heard that you guys prefer smaller venues.

I don't really have a preference. One

thing with the United States is that we , bounce around in venue size, so one night you're playing an arena, the next night the State Theater, and a 400 person bar after that. It keeps you honest, it doesn't allow your head to get too big. As far as what we do on stage, we don't really change much. With a bigger arena, you have to put on a longer show, around two hours. You know, you have more lights, more PA, but what the 5 of us are doing on stage is essentially the same. I don't really have a preference.

Who starts the creative process for a song?

It can come from anywhere, all five of

us write. Gord [Sinclair] writes almost all of the lyrics, and all five give songs

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The Tragically Hip enjoy a walk i"the woods ideas out. It used to be one person would come up with a whole song, but we've kind of gotten away from that.

Now everyone gives little snippets for ideas and we go from there. That's the way we write, sort of an organic process. In fact, Johnny [Fay] came tip with a guitar riff, and our drummer, so he doesn't even play guitar, but that became "Thompson Girl." I had a little two-bar riff that eventually became "Poets," so a whole song came from one little idea.

What's the best thing you give to a person that goes to a show?

Respect. We don't get up and give note for note versions of our songs. We get up there and try to perform a unique and intense version every time. Another thing is that for someone going to see us two nights in a row they won't see the same show twice. We just wouldn't do that. Not only would we not do it, were incapable of it. I've been disappointed by lots of bands that you go see three times and you find out they say the same things in between the same songs, and there's not much difference from one live show to the next.

So I guess our shows have a lot of spontaneity that a lot of other shows don't.

the show and that tells you whether people like you or not. The record company is doing a good job. Theres so many things that a lot of bands do, like autographs or playing in stores, and we're not really comfortable with that.

We're not very good at it either, so wejust don't do them, probably to our detriment. .

--

Do you think the focus on live shows builds a stronger fan base? Latelyyou see a lot groups with a hit single, but when the next album comes out everyone has forgotten about them.

What happens is people become fans of a song, not fans of a band. When you see someone live and you like them, you become a fan of the band. Most of the bands we admire are like that also.

If you look at the Rolling Stones, they've certainly had success on the radio, but they've always been a live band. They're not that big of an album selling band, but they've been the number one touring act for the past 30 years. That's because people know when you go see the Rollmg Stones, you're going to get a good show. I'm not comparing us to the Rolling Stones, but we certainly emulate them in that respect.

Why has so much talent come out of Kingston?

It seems that you guys have built your

name mostly from touring, instead of radio and video.

Playing is how we do it. If we get some radio play it's great, and it's the same if you have a hit video, but you canTdo that to spread the word about your band. We're certainly not tracking how many spins we get, or where we are on the charts. For us, you see the people at

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I don't really know. It's a big place for hockey. Kingston's the birthplace of hockey, and we've had a lot of hockey players come out of here, Doug Gilmour, Kirk Muller. Kingston is halfway between Toronto and Montreal, East and West; and halfway between Ottawa and Syracuse, North and South.

So you're able to go to a lot of big cities not far away, and that's a pretty wide

I think it's a huge cross-section. We don't get too many young kids, but there's a lot of college kids all the way up to people in their 30s and 40s. We kind of have a bad reputation that our fans are the thick-necked ball cap wearing type. They certainly exist, but I think they're just the most vocal, so people remember them since they're the most visible. The same thing happens in the States. We'll be playing to 1000 people, and maybe 50 of them will be Canadian. But they're all drunk as hell and waving Canadian flags and screaming and yelling, so aiter the concert people say, "Man it was packed with Canadians." Its ftully, Canadians are so non-nationalistic at home. Some of these people become Captain Canada as soon as they cross the border. We certainly appreciate them driving and making the effort to see us, but back home nobody would care for that. If some Americans went to see an American band in Toronto and they were waving U.s. flags, peoplejustwouldn't tolerate it. So I think what's good for the goose is good for the gander. 9 out of 10 of our fans will behave. They'll come looking for a good time and cheer and everything and they'll get it. But there's always that tenth guy who gets so excited that he drinks a two-four before the shows and makes an idiot of himself, and that's the Canadian. People like that are kind of a national embarrassment.

Why have you stopped putting your pictures on the front of the album?

None of us really like look,ing at ourselves, so we don't really have a desire to do it. We're not really into th~ whole promotional thing with getting our pictures taken and all that. I can't imagine someone looking at our faces in a record store and saying, "Oh that looks inter-

Please see HIP on page 15

January 20, 1999

MIC!JlI G5t9.£~/JlI'E/WLlo/I9i(j CU£~

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You Love Hair Bands

BY CHRIS HAYES

I

HAVE BEEN ACCUSTOMED to writing a liThe Year in Music" piece for the January issue of the Michigan Review since I have been with the paper. I have typically run down the past year's releases and given you my empty opinion of what was worthwhile and what was not. Pay attention, this year's review is going to be quick.

Lauren Hill is overrated. So are the Beasty Boys. Neither is good enough to be artist of the year. Outkast and Blackstar are the hip-hop artists to look into from 1998.

Instead of buying Garbage's last record or REM's latest, invest in some good old hard-rock greatest hits compilations from hair bands of the 80's.

Skid Rowand Motley Crue both put out "best of" records in 1998, and Poison's greatest hits is only $9 .99 at most record stores. Any of these are a sure fire hit, especially with the ladies.

Any intelligent and sensitive woman will melt if you serenade her with an accoustic rendition of Poison's "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" or Warrant's "Heaven./I All you really need is a cheap

guitar (make sure it is tuned) and determination to impress the one you love. It is not too early to start thinking about Valentine's Day. Jest if you must, but this is history here. I am tired of having to justify and prove that the likes of Motley Crue,

Cinderella, Skid Row, and of course, Poison have a place in every listener's CD collection. I am aware that most people will not take my tone seriously, but I am talking about a very iinportant and sensitive issue for myself as a listener. I have heard the excuses before; "They all look gay," or "They are so friggin' cheezy," or simply "They just suck." These quotes can be applied to any of the above bands. There is something not being totally explored in this

Yeah. Every one of us has his own little job in the band, I get to be the art director. I guess since Road Apples, I've been doing all that. Mt

MSA Continued from page 5 scrutiny," he said. "Everybody's reluctant to disqualify people."

In light of the problems surrounding enforcement of the Election Code, some may ask this question: if election rules are not consistently applied to all candidates, and to all instances of possible violations, is a fair election truly possible?

"It is hard to say whether ornot the

like the person you asked out or even kissed in junior high who now is less attractive than your dog or is possibly behind bars. No one likes to admit these things. They are skeletons in the closet.

However, this is your ego speaking.

Even if that person repulses you now, o'r stole a car, who cares? There had to be a reason for liking them back in the day. There is nothing wrong with admitting and looking back on those things without regret.

The same thing has to be done with those hair bands. If you don't like them now, fine. I still think you're nuts. The catchy melodies in some of those songs are timeless. Who cares if they wore tights and makeup? The music rocked.

Either way, admit you had Dr. Fee/Good in your very first Walkman. I do, and I am a better person for it. And while you are becoming a fine human being, get in touch with that special someone from the seventh grade. Washtenaw County Jail's visiting hours are 12-3 Monday through Saturday. Mt

case. Although these bands get dumped on every which way by the average college listener, everyone remembers them and can probably recite some lyrics. This is because these bands were popular. Extremely popular. Because of our generation. That means you.

Poison's rotation on MTV in 1990 was insane. "Nothing but a Good Time," "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," and "Fallen Angel" were huge singles being shown left and right. Someone(actually a lot} had to be buying the Open Up and Say .. .Ahh! record. Yet everyone denies his or her interest in these bands.

I have a theory on this. I believe people are embarrassed by actually enjoying the likes of Poison. That is fine. I can mildly understand this. It is ki.rtQof

Chris Hayes is the music ~ditor orthe Review.

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Your ad could have gone here.

Cheap~ Really cheap.

Continued from page 14

So you get to control the look of the CD and the booklet now?

Admit It!

The catchy melodies in some of those songs are timeless. Who cares if they wore tights and makeup? The music rocked.

Either way, admit you had Dr. FeelGood in your very first Walkman.

Hip esting./I It should be the music that speaks for the band. It's mostly the labels, they like to have your picture on the early records. When we changed labels over to Sire we were worried they'd want our pictures on a cover. So we put out a live album, which has pictures allover it for our first release, which made them happy.

15

However,n"O"Ol)e chose to 'pJlrchase this ad space;:c~))d we couldn't ~~ipk:"~of anyr:::i thing funny to s8.:~ ..

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Sb , l~~ loQks election directors were indeed running things fairly," said Keslacy. "A lot of violations [slipped] through the cracks and [were] never counted .... I believe that Kym Stewart had more than enough violations to have her disqualified, but because Alex Hovan and his underlings were slow and unable to find them, she remained."

A current MSA representativ~, who wished to remain anonymous, claims that "people like Kim Stewart, Jen VanRoeyen, and the entire DAAP violated the hell out of the election rules."

Mark Sherer, fall 1998 election

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board member, questioned the motives behind the recent barrage of complaints.

"Are they really doing that because they think there's been a miscarriage of justice, or are they doing it because they're bitter?"

Keslacy stated that" a general acceptance of these rules by the different parties was an integral part of having a fair election. Many [candidates Jseemed not to think so."

MSA President ·Trent Thompson acknowledged that when true violations go unpunished, "no, it's not fair."

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proof that a violation actually existed, it would not be fair to punish a candidate who had been falsely accused. "In both ways, it's not fair. So you have to find a way that you can try to base it on evidence, on what the election board has actually seen . ... That's the best way to do it." rvR

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