vol_18_no_1 by Michigan Review

,'"

•

• What's really going on at orientation .......................... Page 3 • Your new legal system: the Code of Student Conduct .. Page ,.. - . '

.---"""~

• U-M's admissions policy:' What they never,Jold you ......... Page 8 1

• 88. <l>LK . ~f.l~l;& LLL: -

Is Greek life;/for you~ ................. gage 11 '·,

. ;'North Campus: . The Land of Peace and Quiet .~ ... Page 1 >. ' : . ". " . . . :-:'. .

. '., ...... :':

:>"~.' :'

....- ,/ .". . .... :

["'

- Id much,l11uc,h :IIlorel -,' ",, -.", -

'.T< _.~. "~ "_~, _

...",,,,,...,,,,,,",,,,,,,,,__ , _, , ~~, ,,,,,,, ,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,_," .""'....."""'_."'..._''''''' __" .".'.•."".,..,.",...,.,,,.........

':'''::o..~ '='~_='

'- -"'-"

,,:.,'-

'... ..,.. ,,,..,,,. ,.. "'...., ~ "'-..-.., ..,.,"....,',.,, ..,> ,

,. " • •,~;".;; ' w............:. __ .<,••••,:;;::';:::;:;-;;~=,;;:::. ;:;=:::::::::-;;;;;;:.;,:;:; _~"'~;;:;;;""";;~;';;:;:;:""'~~',' .

fP8ge 2 ,

,': ', '

, .',' ,. ' " ""

. '. ' .. 'nm MICHIGAN REVIEW

19991

Slimmer,

'::I

----

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Till '

Dear Colleague, Well, you made it - you're in college! And not just any college; you have been accepted to the University of Michigan, one of the most prestigious universities around. It wasn't easy, either. You were valedictorian; editor of your high school yearbook; captain of the football team; president of the senior class; master debater; the lead in every musical; Who's Who of American High School Students four years in a row; the state-champion in Dramatic Interpretation ... You were on top. And now you're on the bottom. All the extracurricular activities you took part in while in high school, the countless hours you spent studying for tests and writing papers, the community service you did - it's just a memory now. Well,lots of memories, actually. Memories that you will look fondly upon for the rest of your life. But memories nonetheless. And here you are. Mister Nobody, just one of the thousands upon thousands of incoming freshmen who - get this - were every bit as talented as you. Remember everyone you never really got to talk ,to in high school? The people who weren't in your honors classes, the ones you didn't see next to you on the field or on the stage? Well they're not here. You may be modest, not wanting to be thought of as egotistical, but the truth is, you outperformed them. While they were out partying, you were home, studying. And it paid off. Only the best have made it this far. Now you're on a whole different level. You're going to have to do it all again - but now the competition is much tougher. What can you do to ensure success at this world-class institution? The first thing you should do is read this "New Student Issue" from cover to cover. You're obviously smarter than many other Orientees - you picked up a copy. Now read on as we share our invC),luable knowledge with you. Take some copies home for your parents and friends. If you like the Review, look for us every two weeks in the lobby of each residence hall and in all major campus buildings. And if you want to help enhance the lives of every student on campus, come write for us in the fall. (Look for our table at Festifall during the first week of school.) Until then, good luck. And remember: with some hard work, a lot of perseverance, a little moxie, and the Review to help you along, you will no doubt be successful at the University of Michigan and beyond.

/ i, '

. , '.j..,' -i- ~ ..v

, ,

' >~' ..' ,, 7! ~

'''', ,, l.,....

/. f.' /

Several hundred faculty members signed a petition lastsemestersupportingaffirmative action. It figures they would support a system that is not based on merit, since they've been supporting tenure for years ...

Alright freshmen, listen up: Serpent's Tooth has had to live with your faux pas for far too long, so here's some advice:

• Don't use the elevator for less than three flights, unless you are carrying One of President Lee Bollinger's pet something that weighs more than you! projects is to build a new theater named after famous playwright and U-M alum • Never, ever"Reply to AlI"!!! If you get Arthur .Miller. In that spirit, Serpent's an e-mail message that you don't want, Tooth would like to suggest the follow- reply to the SENDER ONLY. If you do ing worthy projects to be named after reply to all, you will set off an uncontrollable chain of response e-mails that will other famous U-M alumni: take days - if not weeks - to die off. President Clinton looks up from his desk • Don't skateboard on the steps of the in the Oval Office and sees one of his • The Geoffrey Feiger School of Ethics , aides nervously approaching him. • The Madonna lnstitute for Chastity Grad Library. That's something for annoying little high school~rs to do; you're "What is it?" exclaims the president. "It's Studies too" cool" for that. Plus, it's illegal, and this abortion bill, Mr. President; what do • The Gerald R. Ford School for Coorditicketing skateboarders is AAPD's secyou want to do about it?" the aide replies. Studies nation ond favorite activity aside from busting "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the The James Earl Jones School for Mak• up frat parties. president. ing the Really Cool Darth Vader Voice; • If you're going to come to lecture, don't and finally, sit there and chatter with your friends Serpent's Tooth is confused. If this place • The Ted Kazcynski Institute for Bomb while the professor is talking. If you're going to talk, you may as well have is supposed to be so diverse, why is ev- Design and Manifesto Writing skipped class. Chem 1800 (Lorch 140, eryone from Long Island? And how come MLB #3, etc.) may be big, and the prof everyone's saying soda now? It's pop, I tell you, POP! !! And since when is a Do not be one of the idiots who just sings might not be able to hear you, but we can. Shut up! Thank you. sucker a lollipop? " HaW"; learn the freakin ' alma mater! Friday,5pm - Cocktails and Caviar Friday,8pm -Evening at the Symphony Saturday,9am - Golf (yes, 18 holes) Saturday,3pm - Tennis, mixed doubles Saturday, Bpm - Debutante Ball Sunday, 6am-12 pm - Church Service

Matthew S. Schwartz Editor-in-Chief

Jacob F.M. Oslick Publisher, Managing Editor

DaveGuipe Features Editor

R. Colin Painter News Editor

Dror Baron Associate Publisher ARTS EDITOR: ASST. EDITORS: COPY EDITORS: ILLUSTRATOR: ONLINE STAFF:

Will Wetmore Scott Behnan James Yeh Marc Bittner JeDDa Hirschman Astrid Phillips Michael Rosen

STAFF WRITERS: Michael Austin, Jobo Bacb, Hal Borttow, c..J~ CamacdIio, Brian Cook, Jay F1gurski, ADdrew Golding, Geoff Hamon, Hany IJcbtenbals. Seamus O'MlIIer, AlDol ParuIeJcar, NIId PIotroWllld. Curt RoWnaon, Ben RousdJ, Adam SpIndler. Rob' ·

Wood, Am Yeager, Zoe Zyxman Lee BocldJom BenjamJn Kepple

Rev~ is the Independent. swdent-run jo)Irnal of conaervative and tibenarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept mooewy donation, from the U-M. Contributions to the Michigan Rev~ are laX-deductible under Section SOl (e)(3) of the InIemaI Re\lCftIie Code. The Revi~ is OO! affiliated with any political party or univel'1lity political group.

The Michigan

SERPENr'S TOOTH ..

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan 'Irs not a bong; irs a water pipe:

Vv '

Matthew S. Schwartz Editor-in-Chief

Last semester marked the appearance of the vaunted "Diversity Theme Semester." Unfortunately, the Adminstration apparently forgot to celebrate WASP culture! Therefore, we hereby suggest the "WASP Weekend:"

II· \\

, "

;1:i/ I,. . 1

\ ..

'II (' III( ; \ ' I{ I \

EDITORS EMERITI:

Best wishes,

Unligned editorials · represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo. they are unequivocally correa and just Signed anicles, letters. and canoons represent the opinions of the author and DOl necessarily those of the Revi~. The Serpent's Tooth ,hall represent the opinion of individual anonymous contributors to the Revi~. and should not necessarily be taken as representative of the Review's editorial ctance. The opinions presented in this publication are DOl necessarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal. I now know why the Revi~ IUII1lIICI' issue is ' a rare and precious thing. Much thanb goes' out to Jake, Lee; and especially "EI Seflor" Dave, wltbout whom this would ne ver have been printed. '

issue

Please addn:ss all advCllising, ·subscription inquiries, and payments to Publisher c/o the Michigan Review.

Editorial and 8usiness Offices: TIl, Mic_a.R,IIi,w 911 N. University Avenue. SuIte One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 E-mail: review@umich.edu Web: hnp:I/www.umich.edul-mrev

Tel. (734) 647·8438 Fax (734) 936-2505 copy"",t 0 1999 Tbe Midlipn Review, Inc. AU rl&bto ~ed . Tbe MIcIJlftut IlrM" Is. member 01 tile CoIJeCIate Network.

1 . 0\ l ' "'"

or hall'

"rill'

II ....

The Michigan Review Letters to the Editor 911 N. University Ave. Suite One Ann Arbor, Ml48 109 or e-mail with subject "Letters to the Editor": review@umich. edu

A Tale From Orientation One Student's Story of Terror in the UGLI BY JACOB

F.M.

OSLICK

The foJJowing contains a slightly embellished tale ofa realexperience 1 encountered at Orientation. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

sat our group down so we could "discuss" our answers. When one girl's turn came, she said, "I wasn't sure about the religious holidays question. I mean, like, I don't think we have class on Hanukah." I felt rage within me. Hanukah? A festival commemorating a 2,200 year old military victory. Under Jewish Law, Hanukah stands out in contrast to the majority of Jewish holidays precisely in that one can

NUKE MANY COLLEGE freshmen, I entered Michigan's Orientation well aware of political correctness. As I spent my high school years as a debater, I knew of Law Professor Catherine McKinnon, and her boisterous cry that all sex is rape. Indeed, having gone to a quite liberal high school, 1'd had some personal experience with that dreaded acronym "PC" founding a conservative club which my school soon banned as offensive. Still, nothing quite do work. On almost every other holiday, prepared me for the game of" tolerance" activities such as writing, using electricconducted during my orientation. Read ity, and planting crops (should I desire on, gentle reader, while I tell you a tale of to do so in fair Ann Arbor) are strictly fire and brimstone. It is a story from my forbidden. On Hanukah, one has no work own orientation. restrictions, as it is only a minor, RabIt began as a blissful Wednesday binic festival - not a divine commandnight, my second evening in Ann Arbor. ment. Faced with such a situation, I lost Suddenly, they divided us 200 incoming control of my internal PC police and cried students into groups of about 25. Like out (perhaps too strongly, and with a cattle, my group was herded into a dark poor choice of 'Wo.(ds), "Hanukah? That chamber lurking somewhere in the Un- is nota major religious holiday!" In redergraduate Library. "It's time to get to sponse, the girl dashed out of the room know each other better," our group leader in tears. I was then to learn the meaning chanted. "We're going to playa little of" tolerance." I was escorted into a dimly lit room. game. 1'm going to say something, and, if you agree, walk across the room," she The moderators arrived shortly. "We canstated in a deceptive pleasantness. Right not allow people to express anti-Semitic there, I could smell where this was go- attitudes at this University. You offended ing: divide and conquer, identify and rep- that girl." rimand. Divide us by opinion, such that Anti-Semitic attitudes? "But I'm not the minority are obstracized, and go with an anti-Semite; I'm Jewish!" I protested, the majority out of awkwardness. Iden- carefully leaving out that I am also a tify the independent, strong of will, who rather religious Jew. "We don't care what your religion resist this pressure for social uniformity. I would have no party to their first is. We cannot allow people to express scheme, and resisted their second. Thus, anti-Jewish beliefs," they answered. "But saying Hanukah isn't a signifiI allowed myself to stand out, in the face of their" tolerance.'.' The session contin- cant Jewish holiday is a Jewish belief, not ued as I expected it would, the modera- an anti-Semiticone," I retorted. tor making statements such as "I con"Says who?" they asked . sider myself an ally of gay, bisexual, and "Jewish Law!" I replied. transgendered people." One statement in "We cannot allow you to offend othparticular stood out: "This school does ers religious sensitivities. Don't you recnot hold class on my religious holidays." ognize that that's wrong? Apologize and As a Traditional Jew, I held my ground, admit your mistake to that girl," they deas legions of devout secularists and non- manded. religious Christians crossed the playing "But saying Hanukah is a serious field. !felt that although the school does religious holiday constitutes a direct afnot schedule classes on Saturday (a.k.a. front to my ' sensitivities.' I was not Shabbat), this pleasantry grew out of co- wrong, I made no mistake, I will not incidence more than principle. Further, apologize." classes are routinely scheduled on such "Then why didn'tyou'justkeepyour principal holidays as Rosh HaShana, mouth shut, to avoid offending anyone?" Yom Kippur, Simchat Torah, Pesach, they asked persistently. Shavout, Tisha B' Av etc. No, I thought, "Wasn't this supposed to be a disthis school does indeed hold class on my cussion?" I replied . "Doesn't a discusreligious holidays. sion involve an exchange of ideas? And Following this indoctrination, where is there a constitutional right pro(err, orientation) session, the moderator tecting one from being' offended' ?"

"We are not letting you out of this room without an apology." And so, faced with the prospect of hours stuck within an UGU dungeon, I caved. However, although I stood down, I did not surrender unconditionally. Rather, I carved a bargain. I apologized not for what I said (which I continued to hold by as being steadfast and true); instead, I apologized only that the girl took

"We're going to playa little game," she said. Right there, I could smell where this was going: divide and conquer, identify and reprimand. offense. Incidently, she didn't possess the slightest clue that she shouldn't be offended because my statement was accurate. And so I learned a few lessons. Chiefly, that the goal of university faculty is imposing a view upon students, not helping students to develop their own opinions. Whereas once colleges served the function of in loco parentis, they now strive to achieve the position of

•

in loco intellectualis. Yet, our politically correct oppressors are people too. They have the same passions and difficulties as the rest of us - such as the need to eat. Accordingly, stick to your principles. When the PC gulag comes, try to strike a deal. They may be leftists, but they also wantto get to dinner - they'll meet you half way. So, take this tale as both a warning, and a piece of advice. One last word: pick your battles. Feel free to speak your mind, but understand that with such freedom comes the risk -of a situation like the one above. Before arguing for your viewpoint, ask yourself if this opinion is important enough to warrant twenty minutes spent ~iefending it. Lastly, fight on an intellectual ground. Never allow your spoken thoughts to stray into vulgarity. A vulgar attitute only weakens a logical case, and discredits your policies. If you act otherwise, you may find yourself unwittingly sent to the stockade of the Code of Student Conduct office, charged with disturbing an Orwellian peace. ~ Jacob FM. Oslick, a senior in LSA, is Publisher and Managing Editor of the Review.

*New r".w/ll~1:'1. SIIPPUIAEII7S 'Am & Tlllt:ll/lES MEDIe/IIAI. IlEUAL "TWM METANrSItM. 8tHI1(S, TAPES

ilEUM.

MED"ATllJIfM. NOS AltIlIATflRAPr BAm & HDr no"lIm IIMSA& & BSEIITIM. DIU eMfDUS & 111.11. .........•..... ••.•..••....... _

10% OFF

......---..

NATURAL HEALING

10%OFF

340 MAYNARD ST. "Ann Arbor's retreat for NATURAL HEALING" Summer Hours: Mon-Sat 10AM-I0PM Sun 12PM - 8PM Tel (734) 214-5888 Fax (734) 214-5889 www.natheal1.com 1-877-~7007

Mention this ad for a free gift

fP8ge ·4~ ~

.. · · TIIB IIICBiQAj -RBYmW - JmITORlALS

FROM SUITE

Summer,

19991

ONE

U-M~

Bad, But Not Too Bad

VER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, YOUR SUPPLE MINDS WILL experience much in fair Ann Arbor. Throughout this time, you will see the Reviewcritique much of our glorious Administration, student government leaders, and activist groups. For those of you of the conservative or classical liberal persuasion, such criticism may result in a mild persecution complex: "Omigod, the Liberals are out to get me! Help!" Accordingly, let us briefly elaborate that, while the political climate in Michigan is hardly welcoming, it could be far worse. For although Michigan may lean strongly to the Left, unlike other universities it does not mercilessly crush dissent. To better convey this idea, here are but a few recent examples of Leftist outrages that have spared Ann Arbor: 1. The Feminist Majority at Ohio State: following publication of a cartoon these lovely ladies deemed offensive (it satirized the Womens' Studies department), they rampaged through campus, stealing 15,000 copies of the newspaper that published the cartoon. One of them had the audacity to claim, " It's within my First Amendment rights to steal." Under pressure, the newspaper fired the cartoonis. 2. Peter Singer: Recently hired as Professor of Philosophy at Princeton University. Nicknamed "Professor Death," he supports the killing of disabled people, arguing that they are inferior to dogs, pigs and monkeys. 3. PC Run Amok: At Arizona State University, a drama professor was fired for teaching Shakespeare. At the University of Pennsylvania, a student was charged with racial harassment after calling a group of loud African-American partiers "water buffaloes" for keeping him up at two in the morning. The charg~were eventually dropped when the University realized th"t the water buffalo is native to Asia, not Africa. At Antioch College, students must get verbal approval before each sexual advance: "Can I hold your hand?" "Can I nibble your ear?" etc. 4. Other universities have instituted speech codes, which limit the rights of

students to freely speak thei~ minds. The University of Michigan did have a shortlived speech code a few years back, but it was soon ruled unconstitutional. Even the Great Offenders here on campus pale in comparison to their brethren elsewhere. For instance, the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA), our illustrious student government, confiscates $5.69 from each student per semester to disperse to an array of student groups, many of them extremely radical. However, their opposite numbers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison take more than 20 times that amount for the same nefarious purposes. And at least MSA conducts their mischief out of the goodness of their hearts. At most other campuses, student government officials are monetarily rewarded for their misconduct. Even the much maligned Daily staffers manage to form coherent sentences most of the time, a significant improvement over your average daily student newspaper. In fact, in some areas, Ann Arbor actually serves as a classical liberal paradise. Where else do the police come out in force to defend people's rights to run nekkid in the street? Where else do a thousand people sit down to smoke pot, and not get swarmed by an armada defending other people' s values? Where else, in one week, can there be candlelight vigils for abortion rights, an unborn child's rights, bombing Serbia, not bombing Serbia, Polish communists, and Gweneth Paltrow's Oscar vic- . tory? For the most part, freedom of expression is honored on campus, and the rights of conservatives/libertarians are defended . This is not to say Ann Arbor constitutes either a conservative or a libertarian Utopia; far from it. As discussed elsewhere in this issue, U-M sometimes terrorizes its student body via a clearly unconstitutional Code of Student Conduct (see page?). You will encounter some professors who profess views slightly to the left of Leon Trotksy. Some of them may even penalize those who speak their mind. And of course, if you falter from the dotted ideological line, expect to win the scorn of activists, dorm mates, and class colleagues. Still, it could be worse. Much worse. W

At least MSA conducts their mischief out of the goodness of their hearts. At most other campuses, student government officials are monetarily rewarded for their misconduct.

Want to write fluff stories about how students study more during finals?

31otn tbe 1Batlp. Want to write hard-hitting investigative reports that will have the administration shaking in their boots? Then join the Michigan Review, the campus affairs journal of the University of Michigan. For the past 18 years, the Reviewhas been delivering high quality news, commentary, and satire to the U-M community. We have spaces available for reporters, editorial writers, photographers, graphic artists, online editors, and business staff. Interested in journalism? Politics? Government? Law? National affairs? Campus life? Arts? .,

JOIN THE TRADITION ... Review Editor·in·Chief Matthew Schwartz befriends Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle.

JOIN THE REVIEW

rsUnu,;~r, 1999

TIIB IIICBIGAII DVmW - PSRSOXWj~

Pqe

THE ROAD FROM SERFDOM

Enjoy Youth While You Can

AST SUMMER I DID THE typical college thing and got a summer job. Nothing remarkable about that really; college students work far extra cash all the time. Still, the experience got me thinking about the future . Specifically, after schloc king around as a graveyard shift baker at a bagel place for a few months, I realized a few things. first, I get really demented dreams when I sleep during the day. Second Jacob F.M. and more importantly, college repOslick resents the last period in your life with unabridged freedom. So I thought I'd put on paper this advisory to incoming freshmen: treasure your time here. Life will never get easier, your responsibilities will never be lower, and you will never again have so much time for play and recreation. Now this might seem a little weird when you're up at 3 a.m. cramming for that Orgo test, so let's take an honest look into your life in ten years. Hopefully, a . decade from now most of you will be do- ' ing something more productive with your lives than baking bagels. Nevertheless, you will have to work long, hard days. Whether it's standing in front of a burning oven in a room that's 130 degrees, or working 14 hour days as a corporate attorney, your time for R & R will practically evaporate. Let's establish a few contrasts between our student life now, and our hypotheticallives to come. Currently, college students can wake up at 10 am, change our clothes in two minutes, and run to a class five minutes away. However, once you step foot in the dreaded "real world," expect a more realistic wake-up time of 6:30 or so, followed by 45 minutes of getting ready. Dressed in suit and tie (or a tastefully tailored dress for some ladies), we must then commute at least a half-hour to work. Whereas now, in college, we might have four hours of class on a bad day, soon we will routinely pull down 8-10 hours - not including the aforementioned commute to and from work. True, once we leave the office we won't have tests to study for anymore, but we'll still need to research reports, prepare presentations, and schedule meetings with clients. Accordingly, even after school, expect to do a lot of "homework." In addition, unless you're a professor at certain state universities, I wouldn't count on four-plus months of vacation every year. Thus, ex-

pect about an 80 percent reduction in vacation time following graduation. Of course, fr,j?e time is not the only thing sacrificed when you enter the workforce. In Ann Arbor, most of your cares are already taken care of. Beware ye dormed freshmen, for soon a tidal wave of bills will arrive, all bearing the dreaded red stamp of "Payment Due." Currently, you must make tuition and long distance charges, but soon electricity, heating, local phone, repairs, mortgage and a slew of others will come uninvited and unwanted. Perhaps most importantly, this is the last period in yOUT life where you can do incredibly stupid things and get away with them. Once you answer to an employer, or (heaven forbid) a wife and children, you can' t exactly stay out all night drinking or wreaking general havoc. And eventually, our bodies will rebel, decaying to the point where they can no longer tolerate eight straight hours of basketball or four continuous boxes of pizza. Now, don't get me wrong; the point of this column is not to depress you, butto remind you to have fun. Keep upwith your school work, but as a friend of mine once advised me, " don't let classes interfere with your education." Remember to cherish these times, and to not get so bogged down in work or personal troubles that you forget how truly fortunate youare to be here. At the same time, don't go to the opposite extreme, totally disregarding your limited responsibilities. Remember: although you can have fun now, try to balance your hedonism with respect for your studies. A life of excess partying from dusk to dawn each day leads only to longterm despair, not happiness or enjoyment. Indeed, college life is much like consum ption of excellent wine. A glass at dinner promotes health, while enhancing the taste of steak, chicken or fish. A few glasses in a single sitting once a week provides a pleasant and merry respite from the world. But six or seven glasses each evening can lead to cirr~sis, alcohol poisoning, and a generally banal personality. As parting words, I refer you to the teaching recorded in the Book of Ecclesiastes (which I further advise all of you to read at your leisure): o youth enjoy yourself while you are young! Let your heart lead you to enjoyment in the days ofyour youth. ,Follow the desires of your heart and the glances ofyour eyes - but know well that G-d will call

you to account for all such things - and banish care from y our min~ and pluck sorrow from your flesh! For youth and black hair are fleeting. So appreciate y our

light and moon and stars grow dark, and the clouds come back again after the rain. (Ecclesiastes 11 :9-12:2) And if, after experiencing for your-

Treasure your time here. Life will never get easier, and you will never again have so much time for play and recreation. vigor in the days ofy our y outh before those days of sorrow come and those yearsaniveofwhichy ou will say, 7have no pleasure in them "/ before s un and

self the glories of four years at college, you are still unable to make the leap towards self-reliance ... hey, there's always graduate school. 1tR

766

~. REC SPORTS

~~ S'( Yencal\ t at Ser- Defense

Ancient & Mystical Martial Art from the "Islands of Fire" Indonesia,

Malaysia & S. E. Asia. This Martial Art & Self-Defense Combines Traditional combat techniques with hand to hand combat, ground fighting and weapons. Learn dance like movements of Malaysia & West Sumatra, Indonesia. Utilizing fluid defensive actions that are coordinated with the music & rhythmic drums of West Jawa and West Sumatra.

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN WINTER-SPRING 1999 SCHEDULE Tuesday Evenings 8 -10 PM CCRB room 1200 - Basement Thursday Mornings & Sunday Afternoons 9:30 -11 AM

1 - 3 PM

IN CCRB room 3275 1 sf Floor Aerobic Room

You can Now Register for Classes At 340 Maynard St. Located on the edge of Central Campus Huron River

Guru !eonQraO Xuli. XIi""fla 16n W,,{eea PO Box 7753 Ann Arbor, Michigan 48107

PH 001 734 930-9963 FAX 001 734 2'4路5889 Website: http://www.umich.edU/-silat Email senihaqq@hotmail.com

US23

~\\

~_t11-Av.

.".

N"ur.1 Hulin; 34() M*yMrd St .

\.-- _.

Ann Arbor. MI

: :>

!!!

1路94

PICTURES AT AN EXHIBITION

Freshmen: Beware the Activist Factor This is for the new students, the ones who have notyet experienced the wonderful world in which we live - whose eyes are bright with wonder and exdtemenf, who blindly look upon great institutions with admiration and respect. You are about to hear a tale from the real world, a lesson fi.lled with troth and candor. It may be disheartening but it will benefit you fo learn the truth now rather than painfuDy stumble into it later; unprepared.

N C E upon a time, I held an innate respect for prestigious institutions such as the University of Michigan. There was no reason to disrespect a place of Ma tthew higher learning, where education Schwartz takes place not only in the classroom, but in extracurricular activities and discussions as well. When I was accepted to the University, I was ecstatic. I would be given the chance to receive a superior education; to explore unfamiliar ideas and subjects; to engage in countless informal debates with peers about such controversial issues as race-based discrimination, and affirmative action. Perhaps most impressively, I would witness great speakers deliberating all sides of an issue in front o(a crowd of hundreds, the audience rapt in attention, awaiting the conclusion so that they might civilly pose questions and counterexamples to either strengthen or undermine the orator's argument. ."" One day in late winter I heard that Ward Connerly was coming to campus. Connerly, the black man responsible for the demise of racial preference programs in California, was sure to have plenty to say about racial preferences and the constitutionality of affirmative action, subjects I had recently become interested in. I thought this would be an excellent lecture to attend, being that this was the man who had publicly implored the nation to realize tha t" you cannot define discrimination against a black American as discrimination and then define the same practice against a white person as diversity." I called up a friend, and we decided to go to the speech together. On the way, I picked up the latest issue of the Michigan Review, and in the "Serpent's Tooth" section there was one remark that I kept going back to. It said, "We're definitely looking forward to the March 18th appearance of Ward Connerly, provided

that socialist thugs armed with mega. phones and clubs don't decide to ruin the whole thing first." . What are they talking about? I wondered. Why would anyone want to ruin it? This lecture will give us a great chance to explore controversial themes that have been dividing the campus! Perhaps by talking together and discovering what each side has to say, we can come to a conclusion that will be beneficial to all, and will allow us to more naturally attain a diverse student body. And the funny thing was, I was serious. Chalk it up to naivete, youth, inexperience, or maybe just an overly optimistic attitude. The point being, I had never actually experienced what I like to . call the ActiviSt Factor. You know, the students who take an active stance on lots of controversial issues, and then make their opinions known in the form of rallies, sit-ins, marches, and the like. Now don't get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with activism. I applaud people of our generation who take an interest in national affairs. I do have a problem, however, with activists who won't let anyone else express opposing viewpoints. Hence, the Activist Factor. The sky was particularly gloomy that day. As my friend and I walked past the residence halls, a gust of wind rattled the bare branches overhead, a warning, possibly, of the troubles to come. Alas, I could not hear it. What the wind did carry to me, however, were the faint sounds of chanting. As we continued to the League, the ruckus grew louder. I soon saw it: a large crowd of angry people路picketing the front door of the building, shouting and yelling ... and I was scared. I was literally too afraid to walk in through the front door, for fear that the crowd might verbally abus~ me in front of everyone. My friend and I walked around the building and entered through a side door. When the doors to the ballroom were opened, there was a mad rush for seats. Within seconds, the room filled to capacity. The doors were closed, leaving at least a hundred people out in the hall . Someone came up to the stage microphone and introduced the guest speaker for the night, as Connerly-approached the stage. Immediately, there was a reaction from the crowd. I couldn't believe it the people around me started booing. I was truly appalled at their behavior. My friend and I, and many others, stood up and gave ConnerIy a round of applause. After a few minutes the crowd settled down, and Connerly began to speak. Connerly spoke for only abou t fifteen minutes, but what exciting fifteen minutes they were! At one particularly memorable point in his speech, ConnerIy ex. plained to the crowd that he had asked

himself three questions about the past racism he had experienced in his life. The first one: "How long should I be angry?" I could hardly even hear his next two questions over the laughter that ensued! The crowd was booing and laughing at Connerly. He continued: "At whom do I direct that anger? And, most importantly, what good does it do me?" More laugh-

able to derive every once in a while from the screaming students at the mike. Questions that necessitated deep thought and contemplation, important questions that would help to drown out the ranting and raving going on all around me. I looked up at Connerly, and I felt quite sorrowful. This prominent businessman had traveled a long way to

I have learned that "great institutions" are not always so great. For there will always be members of those institutions who act like children. ,'.

ter! Angry shouts shot up from the audience, and I knew that it was going to be a long night. After Connerly finished speaking, he invited students to step up to the audience microphone and ask him any questions they might have. The stampede that followed was quite surprising! It seemed like half the audience jumped up and ran to the microphone. The first student that spoke had a notepad in her hands. She was reading a prepared speech that seemed to continue indefinitely. She would ask Connerly question after question, never giving him the chance to respond to any of them in depth. lie would try, but the crowd would always boo and shout him down! Instead of directly answering the students' questions, it was apparent that Connerly felt he could more deftly explain his position taking a roundabout route, telling stories and anecdotes, but the crowd would have none of this! If Connerly did not immediately and concisely answer the question in his first sentence - an impossible task, given the delicate !lature of the subject - the crowd would immediately yell, " ANSWER THE QUESTION!" as if Connerly were on trial. He would respond in frustration, ''I'm trying to! If you would just let me finish -" "No you're not!" the crowd would reply, and laugh at him, alone and uneasy on stage. This disgraceful showing continued for over an hour. At times I felt so upset, I wantedc<!to leave the ballroom immediately. But I couldn't, for I had no desire to . pass through the unruly mob waiting just outside the door, the mob that repeatedly shouted, " Let us in! Let us in!" and banged on the doors . As speaker after speaker stepped up to the mike, each one reading their prepared speech and badgering and laughingat the man on stage, I silently took one of tlle flyers I had received beforehand out of my pocket, and began to write questions on the back. They were philosophical questions that I was

speak to us, to try to engage us in a dialogue, to try to teach us something - but would people listen? No. There would be no learning that night. And as the students yelled at Connerly, as he threatened to walk out, as the cameras rolled and the reporters scurried around and the crowd outside banged on the doors, I could nat hel p bu t feel extreme sadness. Deep in despair, a tear rolled down my cheek. And in my life, to this very day, I have never felt more shame than I felt that night. I tell you this not to upset you, but to teach you something. In my time here at this prestigious institution, where my education takes place not only in the classroom, but also during events such as this, I have learned that great institutions are not always so great. For there willalways be members of these institutions who act like children, and there will always be people who don't let others speak, who are rude, and offensive, and a disgrace to the rest of us. Even at the State Senate, some people can act Iik~ children . In March, as Cannerly testified 路before the Senate Government Operations Committee, he was also booed and interrupted. This, at the Capitalof the state of Michigan. What we must realize is that these people are not the norm. They are not representative of the whole. Deep down, I am convinced that most people are logical, sensible, and respectful of others' opinions and beliefs. At times, it is easy to forget tha t simple fact, to perceive common decency as nothing more than a myth - but we mustn'tforget Because a lot of times, remembering that there are other sane people in the world is the only way to get through it. MR

MatthewS. Schwartz is the editor-in-<hief ofthe Review. This essay was originally published in our 16 Sept. 1998 issue.

~W:nmerJ 1999

TBB IIICBlGAlf REVIBW - CAJIPUS U'AIRS

Page 7\

Students' Rights, Code Wrongs Guilty Until Proven Innocent lators in double jeopardy. The Code states: "Because some violations of these NCE AGAIN IT IS TIME TO standards [the essential values of the play U-M history trivia. What University of Michigan, listed in the infamous University policy went Code's introduction] are also violations into effect on January 1, 1996? Here are a of law, students may be accountable to few hints: As a result of this policy, the both the legal system and the University." student body's civil rights and liberties. This clause allows the University to punbecame the personal playthings of then ish students again for acts which are alVice President for Student Affairs/Stu- ready illegal and under the court dent Oppressor Maureen "Damn the system's jurisdiction. A student who is. Constitution, give me absolute power!" sanctioned by both the legal system and Hartford . The weight of the the University for a particular violation administration's iron boot became a little heavier on each student' s throat. The University seized our ships, occupied our cities, and did violence to our citizens. (Well, maybe not the last one.) Give up? It was on this dark day that the most recent version of the draconian Code of Student Conduct went into effect. Copies are currently available in both English and the original German. During the Code' s drafting and ini- is effectively tried and punished twice for tial implementation there was a strong the same crime. The language of the Code .also imanti-Code spirit among the student population. There were anti-Code activist plies that even if a student is acquitted of groups and demonstrations. Most stu- a crime by a court of law, they may still be dent groups sided against the Code. The subjtlct to prosecution and sanction unAmerican Civil Liberties Union attacked der the Code. So, even if a student has the Code's inherent civil rights violations. been found " not guilty" by local, state, or Both the Reviewand the Michigan Daily federal authorities, the University has printed numerous editorials condemn- given itself the right and the means to ing the Code and the secretive, undemo- judge and punish that same student for cratic process by which it was conceived. the same violation, regardless of the leStudents and alumni even signed "re- gal system's rulings, This represents the verse pledges" which stated that they height of this Academic Gulag's arrowould not give the University a penny in gance and tyranny. The University justidonations untilfue Code was abolished fies this unjust power with a statement in the Code which reads: "Because the and students' rights were restored. Unfortunately, sometime during University establishes high standards for these last two years since the Code's membership, its standards of conduct, implementation, the student body's anti- while falling within the limits of the law, Code fervor and activism turned into may exceed federal, state, or local requireapathy and acceptance. The student cam- ments." Again, what arrogance! Another of the Code's serious violapaign against the Code greatly resembled France's participation in World War II: tions of students' civil rights involves its token resistance followed by total surren- denial of legal representation to students der. The Michigan Student Assembly during Code arbitrations. The Code (MSA) even played the role of Vichy; a states: "Each party involved in arbitragovernment which betrayed its people tion has the right to be assisted but not and collaborated w;th the enemy. This is represented by an advisor of her or his no big surprise, considering that MSA choice." This brings to mind the old sayhas always proven itself to be a govern- ing, " A man who represents himself has ment of the administration, by the admin- a fool for a client." The University defends istration, and for the administration. A this deplorable clause by twice stating in the Code that its resolution and appeal true parliament of political whores. It is high time that someone refreshed processes are administrative functions the student body' s collective memory as and "should not be equated with the proto how tyrannical, insidious, and just cedures used in civil or criminal court," plain evil the Code truly is. Let's begin nor are they su bject to the same rules of with the Code' s most serious violation of civil or criminal proceedings." Of course, students' civil rights: placing Code vio- these rules do not apply because in a court

BY C.J. CARNACCHIO

of law individuals actually have real rights protected by the Constitution, and are not subject to the arbitrary and absolute power of University bureaucrats who take pleasure in robbing students of their sweet liberty. One choice clause reads: All procedural and interpretive questions concerning the Code will be resolved by the VPSA or designee." Call me paranoid, but does anyone else feel a tad uneasy about relying on University administrators and their lackeys to inform students of their rights and protect them? II

The language of the Code implies that even if a student is acquitted of a crime by a court of law, they may still be subject to prosecution and sanction under the Code.

Another tyrannical facet of the Code can be found in its geographical jurisdiction. Not only does the Code's power extend over University controlled property and University sponsored events/ programs, it also encompasses the city of Ann Arbor and outside Ann Arbor as well. The reach of the University's power should extend no farther than its property lines. When a student is off tJniversity-controlled property, he should be subject to the same local, state, and federal laws as everyone else and nothing more. The University has absolutely no right to place its students under the Code's jurisdiction when they are acting on their own time off University property. Society's laws are presently sufficient without the aid of a University code of conduct to maintain social order and restrain and protect its citizens, including U-M students. The Code is little more than an attempt to control the lives of students. The University's advocation and implementation of a behavioral code sends the message that students are still children and not adults (or real citizens with rights and liberties). Federal, state, and local laws provide sufficient restraints on the conduct of adults outside the University. There is no reason these laws should not be sufficient restraints for students who are, despite the administration and regents' view, adults and citizens as well. The University's in loco parentisjustification of the Code is just another weak rationale for its usurpation of students' rights and liberties. Administrators and regents argued

during the Code's formation that it was the federal government which mandated the University have such a code, and given the University' s dependence on federal funding they had no choice but to comply. But the federal government simply mandates that all federally funded institutions of higher education implement policies regarding alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and sexual harassment and assault. The U-M Code of Student Conduct goes far beyond these minimum federal requirements. The Code, in , its current aU-encompassing, civil rightsviolating, double-jeopardizing, kangaroo court form, is the product of the administration and the Board of Regents' demented and dictatorial desires to regulate students' lives; not to meet federal mandates. A September 13, 1995 Revie weditorial offered the perfect solution to satisfy both the federal government's policy mandates and the student body's concern over civil rights. The editorial suggested the implementation of a minimal code which would simply read: liThe University's policy on drug and alcohol use and sexual harassment is to let the judicial system handle it." The editorial further reasoned that, "With such a policy in place, the federal government would be satisfied, the administration and regents would have a 'code,' and the rights of students would remain intact." The only flaw in this logic is that it assumes the administration and regents simply want a code to meet federal mandates, when in reality they desire to rule students' lives with an iron fist. l\R This article originally ran in the 7 Oct. 1998 issue of the Review.

Tha. Couds .f=.~ (( V' of ~ . . " \+j I b \At . ~ ~ fJ\ \

o ve.. r-1\AI"VI

ea:

tht, ~t.(\:,,0r'1 â&#x20AC;˘ . ~--~

Read the full text of theCod:e at http://www.umich.edu/ --oscr/

U ofM's Admissions Policy: Race coun BY BENJAMIN ROUSCH

VERY YEAR THE OFFICE OF Undergraduate Admissions (OUA) receives about 19,000 applications from students hoping to attend the University of Michigan, and only admits about 5,000 of those students. The lawsuit filed by the Center for Individual Rights (CIR) on behalf of Patrick Hammacher and Jennifer Gratz questions the methods that U-M used in 1995 and 1997 to choose which students were admitted. Last year, U-M abolished the old" grid system," instituting a new" point system" that makes admissions decisions easier to understand, but for the most part uses the same admissions criteria as the old system. A quick look at the policy (see table, upper right') reveals that it is split into two sections: "Academic Achievement" and "Other Factors." In the academic portion, points are given to a student based on his

GPA in certain high school courses, the quality of the school attended, the strength of his high school curriculum, and his ACT or SAT scores. In the other part of the policy, points are given for a student's geographic location, alumni affiliation, one-page essay, personal achievement, leadership and service, and "miscellaneous." The number of points an applicant scores determines if he is admitted. The maximum number of points one can receive is 150, but applicants need only 100 to guarantee an acceptance letter. A score between 90 and 99 will allow applicants a place on the infamous waitlist, and a total of less than 90 points most likely gets applicants a rejection letter. The category with the most potential for acquiring points is GPA. With a 4.0 GPA, an applicant gets a full 80 points, practically guaranteeing the applicant a spot. Even a modest 3.0 GPAearns an applicant 60 points, more than half of what's necessary for admission. An applicant can also get a few points by attending a tough school, but only two Michigan schools will earn you eight points here; most aspiring WolveriI1es will get between two and six points. And applicants may think that suffering through a rigorous curriculum filled with nightmarish honors and AP courses will net them a bunch of points, but the most points an applicant can get from his curriculum is eight, with the average U-M applicant getting

between two to six. You can even get negative points if you didn't take any honors courses. "But wait!" some students may be thinking. "What about the ACT and SAT? Surely we got tonsof points for those stressful standardized tests." Well, a perfect ACT or SAT score will get you 12 points, but most people will get about 10 or 11. Ten

not nearly as significant as GeographyJ one of the applicant's parents went : U-M, he gets four points, or if one of 11 other relatives was a Wolverine, he gets 01 point. Remember that essay you slaved OVI making sure all the phrases were perfec not a spelling mistake in sight? "Sure that secured me dozens of points!" y< may be thinkin Well, your essay c minished in vah from previous yeal If the admissiol counselor thought was outstandi~: you got one poUi otherwise you fI ceived none. Additionally, an applicant can ~ points' for" Personal Achievement" at tI: state (1), regional (3), or national (5) leve for his performance in academic compel tions, art, athletics, music, professiotu theater, or science. An identical r~ system exists for "Leadership and S¢J vice." Now we'll examine the "MisceIla neous" category. Applicants can get point for only one of the following situatiOlll 1) Males going into Nursing get five po~ 2) Scholarship athletes get 20 points - ~ fifth of the total needed for admissiOil 3) The provost can bestow 20 points at lw discretion, but this happens only in excep tional circumstances - such as someoi)l who "runs (his/her) own business,(h~ written and published a book, has a ~

A 1600 on your SATs will get you 12 points. Being a minority will get you 20 points. points isn't a whole lot, but it can go a good way toward achieving 100. On to "Other Factors." Most people have heard that it is easier for a student whoJives in Michigan to be admitted than one who lives out of state. In fact, that's true: an applicant gets 10 points just for living in Michigan, and an additional 6 points if he lives in an "Underrepresented Michigan County." Living in Michigan counts about as much as an applicant's ACT or SAT scores, and more so if an applicant comes from an Underrepresented Michigan County. If an applicant lives in an "Underrepresented State" he gets two points; not much compensation for being one of the few Alaskans or Hawaiians on campus. The controversial Alumni category is

Study Says: U-M "Greatest Offender" in Using R BY BENJAMIN KEPPLE

HE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN is "by far the greatest offender" among Michigan's public colleges and universities when it comes to using racial preferences, said a report released last year by the Center for Equal 0pportunity (CEO), a Washington D.C. public policy think-tank. In addition, only the U-M at Ann Arbor would experience a significant decline in black enrollment if the University were to admit students on a colorblind basis, the report stated. The study "shows race is not just one factor out of many, but a major force in deciding who gets in the University of Michigan," said John J. Miller, vice president of CEO. "There is a double standard at

U-M."

University officials continue to stand by their claim that their admissions policy is legal and acceptable. "The University of Michigan will continue to use race as a factor in making admissions decisions as long as it is lawful to do so, and has no intention of changing ~his policYi~~ ,saicl. the Office ofUnjversity

Relations in a press release. Nancy Cantor, University Provost and Executive Vice President for Academic Affairs, stated that "we evaluate each student's application using a broad set of factors .... We make human JUdgments and these judgments cannot be made simply by looking at test scores and grade point averages." But the legality of the University's admissions policy is being questioned. Two lawsuits filed by the Center for Individual Rights (CIR), one on behalf of two white applicants denied undergraduate admission to the University, and the other on behalf of a white student denied admission to the Law School, are working their way through the legal system. In addition, the recent scrapping of affirmative action in California, and the Hopwood v. University of Texas Law Schoolcase (which ended affirmative action in the jurisdiction of the national Fifth District Court), are still quite fresh in the minds of University administrators. The University makes no secret about using racial preferences in its admissions policies, and according to the CEO study, there is a great deal of prefer.eIl£t; given.

"Schools routinely reject white and Asian students with higher test scores than black and Hispanic students who are admitted," said the CEO in its report. "These rejected students, however, usually have lower GPAs than black and Hispanic students who are admitted. Despite this, the

of these individuals had ACT scorfll; greater than 29, 77 had combined SA!f~ greater than 1200, and most amazing~ all, 4 had SATs greater than 1400." The report also suggests that the uSe of these racial preferences in adrnissioil5 is a major factor in the lower graduaticm

University of~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~= Michigan in Ann Arbor refused admission in 1995 to hundreds of white and who had both ____________________________________________iiiiiiii Asian students

Black applicants are 173.7 times more likely to be selected over equally qualified white applicants, says study.

higher test scores and GPAs than the black admittee median." Specifically, 613 students (564 whites and 49 Asians) were rejected by the U-M in 1995 despite having higher ACT scores and GPAs than the black admittee median. 266 students were rejected despite having higher SAT scores and GPAs than the black admittee median. According to the report, "in various individual instances, these differences in qualifications were astoundingly large. 49 _. _._. _. ........

.".._~--o-

....,

rates of black and Hispanic students. "We cannot prove that conclusively with these rates, although these numbers are conducive with the hypothesis" thai graduation rates will fall thanks to racial preferences, said Miller. A similar CEO study looking at higher education in Colorado conclusively proved that racial preferences caused a drop in graduation rates. "If blacks and Hispanics are not graduating as high as whites and Asians ... it makes intuitive sen'Se;" 'Miller said: _.,...-,.,.,.,..,..,_ .

~ ~

_ _

~,.

___._ .. .. ~

,w ~ _ ~

. . ._

; _ . ' ' '• .....,.. " "..... _

~ · ~ ' >1'"

_..AnAllUJ

- .81JM'MII:R. 1999

P8ae~

; more than SAT, service, essay combined nted invention, etc." 4) You get 20 points )r being socioeconomically disadvantged. 5) Underrepresented minorities get 20 oints. Minorities living with socioecoomic hardships do not get 40 points; only O. Therefore, the minorities who really get lese 20 points are the privileged minories, and they get a significant fraction of le 100 points solely because of their skin olor. Having a different skin color is conidered by the University as being on par rith a scholarship athlete - who at least as to work for his points; or a high school tudent who designs the next Intel chip! A white or Asian (a nonnderrepresented minority) and a minory student who attend the same privileged fichigan high school, have taken the same Durses, and are essentially exactly the ame student, except for the color of their kin, will hence be scored differently us19 the point system (see table, bottom fght'). The non-minority student ; ou tright rejected because he did ot get good enough grades or test :ores to get into the University. he minority student who had exctly the same credentials - save le color of his skin - gets outght acceptance to the University. Why should minorities get bous points? The common answer ;, "to make up for past wrongs, nd to combat discrimination lmpant in modem society." Howver, most of the minorities who ~ceive these bonus points have

not had to endure hardships as a result of "past wrongdoings." The minorities who receive the 20 points do not live in slums, nor do they attend inner-city schools; if they did, they would get the socioeconomic hardship bonus points. They live in the privileged suburbs and do not feel the plight of the truly" repressed minority." If the lawsuits against the U-M are won by the plaintiffs, the University will be forced to remove race from the admissions process. Although OUA says it would find some other way to ensure diversity, it will be forced to be less obViously race-based than the current admissions policy. Whether they will need to do that remains to be seen, but the University is certainly not backing down from its use of race in admissions just yet. ~ This article was published in the I April 1998 issue of the Review.

Office of Undergraduate Admissions Points Sources GPA CPA

Geography Points 50 52 54 56 58 60 62

2.5 2.6 2.7

2.8 2.9

3.0 3.1

3.2

3.3

66 68

3.4 3.5 3.6

3.7 3.8 3.9 4.0

Ouali~

• Underrepresented

Michigan County

• Underrepresented Slate

Alumni Status (Assign only on option)

Status

Points

Legacy

Other

74 76 78

(gnIndparents.lliblings. pouses)

6 8

-I 5

Curriculum Factor Difficulty

Benjamin Kepple is editor emeritus of the Review. This article was published in the II Feb. 199B.issue afthe Review.

• Michigan

Points 0 2

0 1

has given a great deal of attention, states that a black applicant is 173.7 times more likely to be selected over an equally qualified white applicant. "Critics of race preferences argue that as better schools reach down into the applicant pool to accept minorities, [a qualifications gap will arise} between white and minority enrollees," according to the CEO report. "If this is the case, then there should be a positive relationship between the quality of the school, and the white-minority gap in qualifications. Dr. Robert Lerner, senior author of the CEO study, noted that the chance of race playing a factor on an admissions decision at U-M is six times as large as the odds of getting lung cancer if one smokes throughout one's entire life. "No other possible factor or variable could come close to account for it," Lerner said. "There is no possible way being an athlete or a [legacy] could even come close" to race as a factor in admissions. ~

Points

Essay Quality Outstanding Not Outstanding

1 2

4 6

Test Score SAT!

1-19 20-21 22-26

400-920 930-1000

27-30 31-36

'Assisn onl

'ne option)

Level

Po ints 1 3

Stale Regional N ational

Leadership & SerVIce ssign only one uplion)

Points

Leve.1

State Regional

Nationa l

Miscellaneou s (Assign only 1 option)

Criteria Met

ssi[ff1 only larger point value)

ACT

Points

o Personal Achievement

-2

Required Essay

-2 -1

University officials harshly attack J.ch a proposition. "Students of color graduate at a vastly reater rate here than those at many other lStitutiOns," said Cantor. "This deflates :EO's argument that the U-M admits unualified students of color. To follow the :EO theory, our graduation rates for stuents of color, supposedly unqualified for dmittance, would be lower than other :hools. In fact, the opposite is true." However, the CEO report does not laim that the admittees to the University re unqualified, but rather that those benficiaries of racial preference may be less ualified than many white and Asian ::!jectees. These students, who may have ~sser levels of qualification, are then ,laced into an academic arena of students dmitted under higher standards. Accord19 to the report, "if students gain admision to college for any reason other than :leir academic preparation, it is likely that :ley will face more hurdles in school com'ared to their peers who have been admit~d under a higher standard." The most controversial statistic in the :EO report, and one to which the media

Re~idency

(parents/stepparents)

School Factor

ce Bias in Admissions

Other Factors

Academic Achievements

Points

1010-1190 1200-1350 1360-1600

6 10 11 12

Points

• Socio-economic Disadvantage

• Underrepresented

Radal/ Ethnk Minori • Men in Nursing • Scholarship AthJete • Provost's Discretion

20 5 20 20

Privileged Non-Minority vs. Privileged Minority at Same High School and with Same Curriculum Category (Score)

Non-Minority

Michigan Resident (Yes) Outstanding Essay (Yes) Above-Average School (3) Curriculum Quality (0, no honors courses) ACT (21) or SAT I (WOO) GPA (2.9)

10 1 6

0 6 58 0

0 6 58 20

81 = rejected

101.= . ac~pted .

Underrepresented Minority TOTAL SCORE

Minority

[Page

10. '

. . , •.

TIlE IIICB1GAl1 JtfiIltW - PDSOJ1£tU'2'S8

SEND LAWYERS, GUNS,

Summer,

19991

MONEY

The Best Bars of Ann Arbor

lDS COLUMN IS DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE TOTALITARIAN UNIVERSITY bureaucrats andlocal and state authorities who wish to revive the temperance move. ment. May the spirit ofAi Capone rise up to crush the spiritofCarrie Nation. . ... As Benjamin Franklin once said, IIThere can't be good living where there is not good Drinking./I I quite agree. Unfortunately, living in a college town where the students' taste (or lack thereof) affects the nature of the bar scene, it ~an be tough for the true ak:ohol aficionado ·to find refuge. Fear not, my fellow high-class boozers, for I shan reveal to you the best and worst bars of Ann Arbor. But before I do, let me establlsh my parameters for.a good bar. CJ A good bar is to me what a church is to a Christian, what a synagogue is to a Jew, what .' : ' a mosque is to a Muslim: a source of spiritual illumination and comfort in a cruel world · CamaCChlO ruled by infidels and barbarians. Just as Moses descended from Mount Sinai to give the .'. ... . '. .' world God's commandments, so shall I now stumble from my barStoolto give the drunkards of the world :r:ny commandments for the ideal bar. The only difference is that God carved Moses' scommandmenlS in stone, whereas mine were written on a cocktail napkin with a Bic pen. " So it shall be written: ~bou

5'f)alt !!'trnt an txttlltnt jflartini. I.

For the true Martini believer this is the most sacred of the commandments, and the combination of gin, vermouth, and olive is the Holy Trinity. A bar observes this commandment when the three essential elements of a divine Martini are present: premium ingredients such as Bombay Sapphire Gin (the only real gin; accept no substitutes), high-quality vodkas (out of respect for James Bond), and good dry vermouth. Next, the bartender must know how to mix the correct proportions at the customer's request - a good bartender (see the Second Commandment) recognizes the differences between say, a 2:1, 5}, and a 15:1 Martini. Finally, the Martini should be ice-cold. It should have a serving temperature somewhere around that of liquid nitrogen. There is only one thing worse than a warm Martini: no Martini at all.

II.

~bp

barttnbtr sf)aU bt a masttr mixologi5't.

The bartender must be more than just some semi-evolved ape that can pull a beer tap. He must take his craft seriously and have mastered the sacred arts of the cocktail. When I say cocktail" I do not mean mixed drinks (those overly sweet concoctions enjoyed by girls and men of questionable gender status); I mean a man's drink such, asa Martini or a Manhattan. The bartender must also dutifully observe the customers' instructions and not skimp on the portions. A good bartender is as rare as a sober Irishman. II

III. m:bou 5'f)alt allow tbt smokIng of tUt bibtnt Wetb, tobacco. A smoky atmosphere is vital to a real bar. Smoking and drinking go together like slutty young interns and libidocrazed presidents. There must be no discrimination as to the type'of tobacco . . ,

consumed; cigars, pipes, and cigarettes should be equally welcomed. It is righteous to ban clove cigarettes, since they are usually smoked by low-lifes and degenerates.

IV. l\tmtmbtr tbt f)appp bour anb http it bolp. To sell liquor is human. To sell liquor at a discount is divine.

~bou

5'balt f)atlr

ont

m:lJ or lts5'.

A bar should be a place to socialize with friends and possible one-night stands, or to quietly contemplate life with the aid of a fine adult beverage. A bar cluttered with televisions defeats those purposes. If you want to watch TV, stay home and enjoy the comforts of your own living room. Society does not need another place for people to worship the great god of illiteracy and cultural decay. A bar's entertainment should be its liquor, patrons, staff, atmosphere, and liquor did I mention liquor?

VI. m:1)ou 5'balt not batlr an obnoxious J)J or annopinlJ

mQbtm mU5K. The last thing I want to hear when enjoying a fine spirit is the inane chatter of a moronic DJ ("ls everybody feeling funky yet?!"), or the sounds of gangsta rap, alternative crap, and anything you would find on Jock Jams. The only acceptable music is swing, Big Band, jazz, blues, cocktail lounge, and the patron saints of saloons: Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Of course, the sweetest music in any bar is always the gentle rhythm of the cocktail shaker - the sirens' song to my liver.

VII. m:bou sf)alt f)abt a fint 5'tltct\on of 5'tnlJlt malt ~ottbt5'. 5'maU batcb bourbons, port5'. tutnt5'. anb importtb alt5'. Life is too short to drink cheap booze. Remember quality is always superior to

lacking while the other two were superb. It is a new place, so they are working out

all the kinks. Excellent selection of premium spirits and wines. The decor is perfect: dim lighting, plush leather chairs, Sinatra playing in the background. Smoking is allowed and encouraged since it is a cigar bar. The only drawback is that the waiters have a bit of an attitude and their level of service is somewhat lacking. Grizzly Peak - They serve an excellent Martini, despite the fact that they are primarily a microbrewery. They have some good single malt Scotches and a few other premium spirits. While I personally detest microbrews, I understand that they make the best in town. Ashley's - Tremendous selection of single malt Scotches, small batch quantity unless you can afford both. In bourbons, and imported beers. Irish short, all you Boone's Farm Wine and pub~like decor. The only drawback is Bud Lite drfukers, do the world a favor: that they practice smoking discriminabuy your crap at the local party store and tion: they allow cigarettes but not cigars stay home watching Beverly Hillbillies and pipes. This policy is a tremendously reruns. stupid move by the owners. Many cigar and pipe smokers love to have a good VIII. ~bou 5'balt batlr Scotch or bourbon with their smoke, and a ta5'ttful bicor. they are loyal to establishments which Oak, brass, cocktail shakers, dim permit them the pleasure of smoking in lighting, leather chairs, table cloths, an- peace. tiques ... Yes! Neon signs, banners adverConner O'Neills - Great selection tising cheap beers, sports memora- of Irish whiskeys, ales, and stouts. Good bilia ... No! selection of other premium spirits and beers as well. Irish pub-like decor. This is IX. ~bou 5'f)alt f)abt a where I'll be spending St. Patty's Day rtlaxtnlJ tnbironmtnt. the day when all of the Irish march up If commandments III, V, VI, and Main Street and stagger down Liberty. VIII are observed, commandment IX Old Towne Tavern - The Martini shall be satisfied. is a gamble. Sometimes it's excellent and sometimes it's not so hot; it depends on X. ~bou sf)alt f)atlr btautifm who's bartending. But they do have lDaltrt5'sts lDfJo gibt IJOOb strWt_ Bombay Sapphire and a Martini menu anb otbtr tfJtn~. so they are trying. Decent selection of preFor the love of Gin, give me a wait- mium spirits and imported beers. The ress who writes things down, gives decor is historical with heavy emphasis prompt service, and doesn't screw up on a turn~of-the-century saloon look. orders. I would say more about the " ... and other things" part, but modesty, the m:bt 1II!lorst: Code of Student Conduct, and my girlScorekeepers, Rick's American friend prevent me from doing so. Cafe, The Brown Jug, Mitch's Place, Touchdown Cafe, and Good Time Now that I have established thy law Charlie's - These places violate all ten ' and thy justice, here are my choices for commandments and even some I the best and worst bars in Ann Arbor: haven' t thought of. Their decors are garish, their bartenders ignorant, and ~bt ~5't: their liquor selection an affront to conZanzibar - Best Martini in Ann noisseurs everywhere. They are the anArbor. Bartenders are superior tithesis of the ideal bar. They pander to mixologists. Premium liquor selection the tasteless and vulgar (as demonstrated is up to snuff. Nice wine list. The decor by the many frat swine and sorority is tropical and very colorful. There are bimbos who frequent them). However, I only two drawbacks: first, they do not suppose they do serve a purpose: better allow smoking of any kind at the bar; to keep the pigs in the trough than to seat second, it is primarily a restaurant so the them at the dining room table. MR bar area is rather limited in its seating capacity. La Dolce Vita - I have only had This column was originally published in the three Martinis here. One was severely 10 Feb. 1999 issue oJ, the Review.

Is the' Greek System for You? Two differing opinions of Greek life at U-M BY BRYAN SHAVER PRESIDENT, THETA XI FRATERNITY

INCE THE DAWN OF THE American Republic, the fraternity and sorority system (a.k.a. the "Greeks") has held a prominent place on university campuses. Formed around the basic ideals of friendship, scholarship, leadership, and service, these commitments have contributed to the remarkable endurance and prosperity of the Greek system. For these reasons, I heartily encourage you all to try out our system in the fall . Obviously, the Greek system thrives on building friendships, many of which last a lifetime. In a campus of 24,000 people, this can be a daunting and imposing task. The Greek system provides the opportunity for healthy social int~r action, creating for its members a smaller community where one can concentrate on their friends more easily. Through the system, there becomes a more intimate social environment, where each member is always available to help out his fellow. For instance, if an individual is having personal problems, someone will be at their side and see them through it. That cannot always be said about the general population. For this reason alone, the Greek system has had a place at Michigan since 1845, and continues to well-serve 20 % of the undergraduate population.' Not only does the Greek system help form meaningful, life-long friendships, it also provides a plethora of social activities throughout the year. Every weekend, fraternities and sororities jointly enjoy parties and other events that allow their members to relax and meet other classmateS in a different setting. Houses throw parties, pre-football game get-togethers, and compete vigorously in intra-mural sports. The height of our social calendar occurs during "Greek Week," when houses compete against each other ill a variety of events, while earning money for each houses' sponsored charity. Because of its active social atmosphere, fraternity and sorority members sometimes get stereotyped as party-obsessed drunkards with little concern for academics. Indeed, some students fear that joining a house might cause their GPA to plummet. However, both this reputation and fear are unfounded. In fact, the evidence is already in: over the past year, freshmen that rushed a fraternity earned a significantly higher GPA then their pears. This data only reinforces what the Greek system has been telling its members for years: we are primarily concerned with scholarship. Most Greek organizations will offer some type of financial scholarship to individuals who

maintain a high GPA. In addition, Greek organizations frequently have older members tutor the younger members that are in the similar fields of study. As alluded to earlier, the Greek system not only offers friendships and scholarship, but the chance to give back to the community in which we live. Each fraternity and sorority takes part in different charity events every school year, such as leading a can-drive, reading books to children, visiting the elderly, or taking part in Greek Week each spring. Sometimes a fraternity and a sorority may team together on events, thus introducing more people to each other and creating a larger number of friendships. Nearly every Greek organization has a National Philanthropy that they work towards raising money for as well. Lastly, the Greek system provides unmatched potential for students to develop and exercise leadership skills while at school. For instance, an aspiring accountant has the chance to become a treasurer while in college, gaining substantial real-world experience. Other officers learn to mediate disputes between members, schedule events, and coordinate with alumni, among other functions. Of course, there is always the position of president for those who are motivated to lead an entire organization. Accordingly, it is no coincidence that over half of the presidents of the United States of America and a majority of Fortune 500 CEOs are former members of the Greek system. Through the Greek system, they built the communication and leadership skills necessary for their current positions. ,With all the advantages mentioned above, it is clear why the Greek system has been around for over 200 years, and been an integral part of the . University of Michigan's campus for over 150 years. I encourage everyone to stop by the Office of Greek Life, or one of our chapter houses, and determine if the Greek system, with all of its advantages, is right for

BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ

_WI' .

you . ~

" . "."_>.'"• . " ..• _ _

~_"". <_<''' '~."

'" ,.,, "

,,,,." ~,"_,,,,,,,,,,-,-

HINK ABOUT ALL THE portrayals of Greek life you have seen on TV and in the movies. VIsualize the meathead frat boy, sweaty and disgusting, half a shot away from being passed out on his neighbor's stained carpet. Picture hundr~ds of drunken coeds, packed into a stuffy basement, a beer in one hand and cigarette in the other, bumping against each other to the re,.. petitive beat of Jock Jams while strobe lights flicker overhead . Imagine police officers busting up a party and handing out tickets left and right, scores of freaked out teens scattering in every direction. Think it's all one big stereotype? Think again. Whenever fraternity or sorority members try to convert a regular, intelligent student into a Greek, they always talk about the horrible stereotypes that have mischaracterized the Greek system. They try to act like they're the victim. Well they're not. The true victim is the unsuspecting student who believes the pathe~c sob story, and then unknowingly pledges into an organization that - gasp! - is not primarily concerned with scholarship! Some people will take part in the Greek system at U-M regardless of the caveats they have received. As such, there are certain people for whom this piece was 'not written. If you found the above description of Greek life mighty enticing, you will rush it's in your nature. If you believe your weekends are a total failure if you don't get liquored up, you will rush - it's in your nature. This article is directed toward the freshman who isn't sure what she wants to do, who is trying to make an extremely important decision that will affect the rest of her college career. Why do most students go Greek? "To get better grades" is definitely not at the top of the list. "To improve my social -- '"I life" is the more common reason. And if that is your main goal at college, then by all

,,,,,,,,,,,,~,,,,,,,,,, _ ,,,,~,,,,,,",.v._,,._ " . ·.,,

.",~",, _._<

...

means, rush your heart out! If you can get in, you will have no shortage of friends. And get this: with dozens of people in a frat, and dues of only a few hundred dollars per term, you're paying not more than five or ten dollars per friend . What a deal! Your dues also pay for really bitchin' keggers, so you're reallycleaning up. While partying is not the driving force behind the Greek system, it is an overwhelming aspect that is literally impossible to ignore. True, even a person who usually prefers to stay in on the weekend and read a good book enjoys a party every once in a while; but if you are thinking of joining a fraternity or sorority, you had better Jive for parties. As a Greek, social events occur every weekend, and you're expected to attend, or atleast put up with the deafening music and powerful bass that resonates through the walls for four hours. If you only slightly care for parties, or would rather live with·out them, Greek life is definitely not for you. "But looK what joining a frat will do for me!" you say. "Over half the U.s. presidents were fraternity men! Therefore I will hilve a better chance of being the next president if I join Theta Theta Theta!" Ah, the infamous Presidential Statistic. Greek houses looking to recruit always mention it, and leave unsuspecting freshmen to conclude that Greek life actually had something to do with the tremendous political success. That is faulty logic. Why are most presidents former frat boys? Because the people who go into politics are those who love socializihg, schmoozing constituents ' and trying to make everyone like them. Politicking and rushing are both popularity contests. Do not rush as a freshman. There are many other opportunities available to you in college that may be much more fulfilling. At Festifall, the annual showcase of student groups, you will see just how many other ways there are to occupy your time. Get involved with a theater group, a choir, student government; write for the Michigan Review! Don't squanderyour freshman year - a time for exploration and discovery - in a Greek house. "No problem," you may be thinking. "Like, rll try out for musicals while I'm, like, pledging Sigma Sigma Sigma!" Not so fast. Pledging a Greek house takes a lot of time; time that you won't be able to use for anything else. Grades suffering? Have to study for intro economics? Too bad Brother Zeus says you have to clean'the puke off the walls from last night's party. Gettowork. ~ Matthew Schwartz is editor-in-chief of the Review, and prefers to stay home and read a good book.

Go .North, Young Freshmen! The Land of Peace and Quiet BY LEE BOCKHORN

OU'RE RUNNING HARD, hoping you won't hit a patch of ice that would send you down for the count. You've spotted the big blue vision of a U-M campus bus fifty yards away, and you' re dashing like mad to catch it to make your Chern exam on time. You' re almost there when the bus pulls away with a screeching roar and a thick belch of black diesel smoke, oblivious to your plea to let you board, and'leaves you to wait another ten minutes in the bitter wind and regret having stopped to buy that candy bar... Sound like fun? If so, you are ideally suited to live on North Campus, which is the ugly stepsister of Central and South campuses at U-M. Central embraces most of your academic buildings and entertainment, while South is home to all things athletic at Michigan. North Campus is home to .. . trees. And grass, and

-L. I .f f ( ', t ·

the North Campus Information Center, It jl ;4 ,:.~ i~. . l,t branch offices of the Financial Aid and _ . II . Cashier's offices, and a bookstore where music, engineering, and art students can buy most of their supplies. North Campus students ha ve complained for years about the lack of culinary options at the Commons, especially when compared to the Michigan Union. It doesn't appear that the situation will improve arl'ytime soon, so if li you must be on North Campus often [ and aren't eating at Bursley Hall, plan ~ on bringing a lunch every once in a while - eating at "Sleazer's" every day Living on North? Say hello to your new best friend. is not a good idea if you want to mainout the help of explosives.) Also, con- at the Commons, or simply wander tain a healthy digestive system. Perhaps you are one of the lucky stantly depending on buses for transpor- around among the trees spotting anifreshmen who will live at Bursley Hall. tation to classes, entertainment, and mals. In my time here I have seen ducks, You're proba bly saying, "I know it's bad shopping can grow tiresome, butfor the geese, squirrels, beavers, rabbits, racto live at Bursley, but just how bad will it most part the bus system is efficient and coons, skunks (watch outfor those!), and be?" Take heart - I lived there for two dependable. (See sidebar.) As long as you even deer on North Campus. Also, the years and can honestly say it's not bad! plan ahead, and aren't dumb enough to drawback of having fewer attractions beBursley is actually one of the best dorms put yourself in a situation where your comes advantageous when it comes to whole future depends on a bus arriving safety - there is far less crime on North in the next five minutes, you will be okay. Campus than on Central (the Bursley Lest you begin thinking that North parking lot is a notable exception), and Campus is hell on earth, let me point out. you generally feel safe wandering another benefit of wandering up north. around at any hour of the night. So do not despair, future Wolverines, Although North Campus is growing rapidly, it is still peaceful and serene com- if your experiences at Michigan take you pared to Central. If you like things a little up to North Campus. It's not a half-bad more relaxed, but still want to be just ten place - if nothing else, it's a nice refuge .minutes away from the excitement down- from the latest noisy construction on Cenon campus, aside from its location. The town, North Campus is terrific. You can tral. Just remember, if you are ever faced rooms are a good deal larger than those have a picnic or a nap with the ducks by with the choice of buying a candy bar or in most Central Campus dorms, and the the music school pond, enjoy a coffee making sure you catch the bus on time, top-floor rooms have such high ceilings while soaking up sun at an outdoor table choose the bus. ~ that you can build a large loft to create i • two separa te stories. The cafeteria has arThe U-M Bus System: An Insider's Guide guably the best dorm food on campus, and is also home to a character nick- So, you are living on North Campus, or just havecJ.asaes there. This means that you named "Sexy Grandpa," a Harley-riding will need to negotiate the notorious U-M bus system. Here are some tips gleaned food server (and really nice guy) who has &om years of bus-riding experience: 1) Get a bus schedule when you arrive on campul and keep it handy. become something of a campus legend. 1'hege ale available behind the driver's teat on all the buaes. Many students comFinally, a strong community atmosphere exists at Bursley, as a _"we're-all-stuck- plain that the buses do not follow the sched~ but that is beJoney. Weekend service here-together" attitude prevails among can be a little erratic, but on weekdays the buses run on time, and the scheduled breaks in service actually occur when they are supposed to. its over 1,000 residents. 2) Plan ahead. If you have to get to something where punctuality is a must The obvious drawback to living up North is the inconvenience of getting to an exam, a movie, a dale - don't casually expect to catch a bus at Bunley at say, classes and entertainment on Central. If 6:50, and make it 10 Central by 7:00. ¥Ol{O only stress yOW'lelf by praying tbatevery you are an art or music student, living at stoplight wiD stay green whenyo..(re ridin& the bus. leave alitlleeuly... and relax! 3) Beware of eYenin& exaJM. Many intro classes, particularly math and Bursley is great; you can oversleep until c0m8:30 and still have time to dash down to chemistry, hold midterm exaaw durin& the evenings. On tt.e.e ocxasimI, your 8:40 class. (I speak from extensive mon to see hundreds 01 hahmen trying 10 cram l.iJce sardines onIIO a *'&Ie bulat experience.) However, if you are an lS&A Bursley 10 go 10 one of theIe tests. (In the evenings, buies run ... fNquenIIy than student with lots of early morning classes during normal daytime hours.) So apiI\, plan ahad and leave yOUl'lelf 101M extra on Central, like most freshmen, living at time. 4) Malee good use of your bua-riding time. Depending on where you are Bursley can be aggravating. You invariably have to wake up half an hour earlier going, yom ride might Jut anywhere from five to twenty minutes. This is a chance than your friends on Central to get to the to exercise thoee vaunted time management skills, without which your GPA wiD same class. (Waking up at 7am might not plummet like a wounded duck. Do some reedmg for your cla8les, or pull out sound tough after high school, but you yow day-planner and organize tomorrow's schedule.. Or, sodaIiIJe - get to know should know that, upon arrival at col- some new people. If you've been pulling too many aB-nighten and need a little rest lege, an amazing biological change oc- to make it through that lecture dati you are heeded to, do8e your eyes and take a curs in your body that makes it damn near cat-nap. Whatever you cbooee, just uee the time effectively; left or twenty minutes impossible tc? wake up before 8am with- on a bus every day adds up over etpt months. Ml ,:

As long as you aren't dumb enough to put yourself in a situation where your whole future depends on a bus arriving in the next five minutes, you will be okay. lakes, and oh yes, a few buildings too. Before you get the wrong idea, future students, let me say that I lived on North Campus for five years, and it has evolved quite a bit from the sleepy place it seemed to be when I first arrived at Michigan. So, let's take a tour of the well-kept secret known as North Campus. Since there still isn't that much entertainment going on up North, the main reason you will be there is classes. North Campus is home to the schools of Music, Art and Architecture, and Engineering, so there is always an interesting mix vf aesthetes and number-crunchers around. In contrast to Central, the buildings of North Campus are all fairly new, and more austere in their architecture. The most spectacular recent additions are the Media Union, a large, glass-enclosed multimedia and technology center, and the Lurie Bell Tower, completed in 1996, which serves as a "focal point" for North Campus just as Burton Tower does for Central. So where can you go to unwind between those music theory, art history, or FORTRAN classes? Your best bet is the Pierpont Commons, North Campus's rather pale imitation of the Michigan Union on Central. The Commons is home to the inevitable college hangout - a coffeehouse - as well as an expensive cafeteria, a Little Caesar's, a sandwich shop,

it.

" • • •• "_,. . _ _ ""' ''......-..._~ •• ,, •••• ,,_ _ • _ _ _ _ ._~

.",.,"'.... _

_ __

, ... - 'w..., ..._

......,...··- -

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know A Handy Glossary of the Things You Will Encounter at U-M 4:20 - Recog- right to face their accuser, and the right Word has it that is Schwart.z is bigger nized international to be innocent until proven guilty beyond than yours. Meijer 's - A giant superstore where time for pot'smoking. a reasonable doubt. Its implementation limits students' freedoms of speech, one can find cheap food, even cheaper Origin unclear. AAPD - In the be- press, and assembly. (Seepage 7 for more clothing, and toys. Curtin's former workplace. Reportedly have excellent hats. ginning, there was a details.) Michigan Daily - Most prominent COllege Libertarians - Meetings, evfrat And unto that frat, campus newspaper. Famous for crossGod said, "Go forth, ery Wednesday at 4:20: CoUege Republicans - A mysterious word puzzle, inaccurate sports predicget thee drunk and be Bram Elias carnally pleasured, bunch last seen defacing Queer Unity tions, and 108 years of inane editorial and throw totally righ- Project chalkings three years ago. Cur- writing. Michigan Independent - U-M's teous parties for the pathetic freshmen, rently under new management: Little else very own fashion magazine. Survives on so that they might also partake of the for- known. MSAgrants. bidden fruits of thy drunken sorority DAAP - A campus Michigan Reviewchicks." And upon those frats came forth political party, cleverly Worshippers of the Dark the wrath of AAPD, for the public didst entitled the Defend AffirSide, agents of the Vastsay, "Thou art responsible for the tragic mative Action Party. The Right Wing Conspiracy. death of Courtney Cantor." For forty· days political arm of BAMN. Known for being nigand nights didst AAPD raid and pillage, Erika Dowdell gardly when following fostering MIP's on gently drunk fresh- a.k.a. Curtin's puppet. established standards of men. And the sky was black upon the Heir apparent to the political correctness. land. (See www.umich.edu/-mrev/ Curtin legacy. MIM Notes - Pubcantor.htrnl) Gargoyle - U-M's lication put together by Abraham Tate Elias - Well-mean- unintentionally serious the Maoist International ing, if hopelessly liberal, MSA President. magazine. Movement. AffectionFounder of the Blue Party, a campus po- ' jar jar Binks - Anately referred to ' as litical party, which distinguished itself noying character in the "Mim" by the locals. by passing out free condoms and getting latest Star Wars movie, Ann Arbor's best uninsome guy to dress up in a gorilla suit. "The Phantom Menace." tentional humor magaAgenda Bears strong resemblance zine. Known for its interA pseudo- to Andy Coulouris. Jar Jar Binks esting spellings, such as jessica "The Iron" Marxist Ann Arbor rag that Curtin - Che Guevera wannabe known the "United $nakes of AmeriKKKa." recently recom- primarily for inciting riots in downtown Michigan Student Assembly - a.k.a. mended bomb- Ann Arbor (her trial starts this fall), and MSA. Primary student government of ing Washing- using her MSA seat to direct seized stu- U-M. Central powers include seizing ton and Tel- dent money to leftist causes. Winner $5.69 per semester from each student to Aviv. Owned of the Michigan Review s "Miss White fund an array of liberal causes, and dicand operated Liberal Guilt" award for 1998. Leader of ta ting U.s. foreign policy. (See by U-M phi- BAMN, DAAP, NWROC, the MSAPeace www.umich.edu/-mrev/msa.html) Andy Coulouris NWROC - National Women's losophy profes- and Justice Committee, and other assor Eric Lormand. Rights Organizing Coalition. Instead of sorted no-goodnik organizations. Andrew james Coulouris - a.k.a. LSA -SG - A minor student govern- helping battered women, this would-be Andy Clitouris. Current MSA Vice-Presi- ment body, with some power to alter cur- , beneficial organization spends all of its dent, elected into office for" comic relief." riculum. Unlike MSA, this group of stu- time: A) mixed up with the likes of Has thick, sometimes unintelligible ac- " dent politicians actually gets things done. BAMN and DAAP, fighting for affirmacent. Reportedly planning to knock off Most recent LSA-SG success: getting the tive ,action, and B) calling all men "poBram. University to authorize minors. (See tential rapists." Chill out girls - miliBAMN - The Coalition to Defend http://www.umich .edu/ -mrev / tant feminism causes wrinkles. Affirmative Action By Any Means Nec- lsasg.html) Preacher Bob - Diag Minister warnessary. This group holds rallies that tend Luke Massie - a.k.a. Curtin's biatch. ing students about eternal damnation for to attract few people until fire-alarms Massie, a ruffian who doesn't go to such atrocities as masturbation, Mormonmysteriously go off all around campus, school here, hangs out around campus ism, and wearing unmatching socks. Campus Comer - Best place to pass to aid leftist student groups and terrorPresident Lee //Mophead// Bollinger a fake ID on cam- ize unsuspecting Michiganders on the - Headmaster of the University of Michipus (or so we've Diag. Suspected FBI informant. gan, our Fearless Leader in the battle for heard). "M" - Landmark at the center of racial preferences, 'i lliberal education, Code of Stu- campus. Legend says that if a and the Soviet way. Often seen frequentdent Conduct freshwoman steps on the "M" before her ing the Village Corner. (See Known simply as first blue book, she must kiss the first www.umich.edu/ ~mrev / lee.html) "The Code." U- Michigan Reviewreporter she sees. FailRAIL - Revolutionary Anti-ImpeM's little way of ure to do so results in total academic fail- rialist League. MIM-affiliated organizadisregarding stu- ure and eventual explusion. tion on campus. Recipients of a $1,600 dents' constituMatthew 5:42 - How one inspired MSA grant last semester. tional rights. Its Reviewreporter convinced Preacher Bob Ralph WHliams - Esoteric bu t brilprovisions deny to hand over his holy wallet. liant professor, known to occasionally students the right Matthew S. Schwartz - Editor of the speak above his students' heads. Erika Dowdell to counsel, the . Review, and Leader of the Dark Side. Rory Diamond - President of the __ a • • • • _____ • ________ •

_ _ _ _ ____ _ ____ •

____ _ _ _ · · . _ · · .

College Republicans and one of the few conservative MSA members. Sarah Chopp Ex-MSAVice President, Jessica "The Iron" \"ith an emCurtin phasis on the "vice." Now out of student politics, Sarah's sexually-laden campaigns, asking students to "Hop on Chopp," will be dearly missed. Her personal actions on behalf of Saddam Hussein and BAMN will not be. Scott South worth - Student whose legal case to stop student governments like MSA from sei.zi.llg money to fund leftist causes will be decided by the Supreme Court in October. Shaky jakeKing of Homeless Merchandising . See Shaky Jake go a-beggin' on the streets with his Shaky Jake tapes, bumper stickers, and high quality Rolex watches for $19.95. Inspired Review SOLE - Stureporter dents Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality: Students campaigning for fewer sweatshops and more unemployment. Members do not know how to spell. SPEED - Students Promoting Export-oriented Economic Development: Students campaigning for more sweatshops and less pre-teen unemployment. UAC - University Activities Center, the organization responsible for much of the programming on campus. Also responsible for funding all-expense paid weekend retreats at the Hilton for its members, using student money to pay the way. (Seewww.umich.edu/-mrev/ uac.html) Village Comer - worst place to pass a fake ID on campus (not that we've tried) //w / /

What does that giant "w" in the center of campus mean? It means you're Wasted. Look at it from the other side. (See "M'')

[!!]

Luke "Needs a Haircut" Massie

TBB IIICBlGAll ItBVIZW -

Five Classic College Videos What to rent when you're bored and dateless BY MICHAEL AUSTIN

NTHEACADEMICYEAR

is in full swing, chances are your definition of going out" will be "leaving your room to go to the library." Before school starts, go rent one of the classic college videos, so as to be completely prepared for what you will soon face. What better kind of movie is there to watch than one that involves college students partying, drinking, and doing all sorts of other things that are quickly forgotten when there is a paper due at 8 a.m. the next morning? Here are fi ve movies, all with college themes. In case you have no idea what real college life is like, there are handy outlines of the realistic and fantastic elements in each. II

Fantasy: No matter how much they like to pretend otherwise, schools want people with good numbers. Additionally, a small liberal-arts school probably does

more, every character in the movie resembles somebody you know. Also, no one can party like John Belushi. Fantasy: Contrary to popular belief, sororities do not get into pillow fights in their underwear.

How 1 Got Into College (1989): High school senior Marlon tries to overcome a low grade point average and bad test scores to follow local smart girl Jennifer to a small Pennsylvania college. Meanwhile Jennifer has to contend with her overbearing parents, who insist she attend their alma mater, our very own University of Michigan. This film puts an amusing twist on every aspect of college admissions, including test preparation schools (featurNational . Lampoon /s Animal ing Phil Hartman), admissions House (1978): Faber College's worst fra- officers, and the "two men, A and ternity, the Delta House, fights Dean B" test questions. Vernon Wormer, ROTC, and the snob fraReality: Many people have ternity, Omega House. Highlights in- chosen schools for far worse rea-elude the homecoming parade, John sons than romance. Everything Belushi, and the toga party. else is hard to judge, since high Reality: Either fraternity could be one school will soon seem like some of a number of real-life houses. Further- strange, distant parallel universe.

not consider race as a factor in admissions, which is only possible in movies, California, Washington, Texas, Lousiana, and Mississippi.

'f,W:!'>·':;·'

."• .i.afP!"'" ~

->~,

•.

, \.~;>.~,..;;~/

.,~

ft"'"

;;1:/

Mike leads the staff In a toast

Dorm, Sweet Dorm BY DROR BARON

FRESHMAN HAVING not yet lived in the dorms, you have a long way to go until faced with the question: " Are students better off sleeping and eating in the University dorms, in Greek houses, or in an apartment?" A long expose on dormitory dining costs, which appeared in the Reviewnot too long ago, argued from a purely financial viewpoint that the dorm-dwelling students get scammed. (See http://www.umich .edu/~mrev / scammed.html for more info.) It is true that the University overcharges us, bills us for uneaten meals, and generally takes more than it gives. Such statistical analyses, however, tragically ignore the nicer things about dorm life: the perks that have no dollar value bu t which add considerably to the standard of living. Perks like: developing close friendships in a cozy, summer-camp-like environment; being exposed to a diverse universe of people and campus activities; and not having to worry about meals, an Internet connection, and utility bills - or about cleaning the bathroom or the kitchen, for that matter! Ignoring the money iSsue, dorms are ideal for first-year students. They provide a safe platform around which to build a solid social life. Yes, that sounds

geeky, but just look at all those guys and ·gals who rush fraternities and sororities - "rushing" being a cool euphemism for "buying friends." (Seepage 11.) True, being a Greek has its unique amenities. There's the brother/sisterhood thing, the various intramural athletic programs, and let's not forget the hedonistic weekend ritual of drinking and partying. Yet the dorms offer students many of the same athletic and social opportunities, and more: academic advising, libraries, and exercise rooms are but a few - without the initial nuisances of scrubbing bathrooms, painting The Rock, and drinking profusely just to prove that "You're one of us, dude!" Then there's money, without question every student's biggest concern, besides sex. The bottom line on dormitories is that they are expensive. This year, I'm paying more than $6,500 for my single, compared to the measly $2,300 rent I will pay for the same eight month period next year. However, that figure does not include utilities, which will add another one hundred dollars or so to the rent each month. It also doesn' t include the headache of actually remembering to pay the utilities. Then there is the crucial issue of the all-important Internet connection. Earlier in the year, I paid a one-time fee of fifty dollars or so for a speedy Ethernet hook-up through the dorm. That's a real bargain, , ' , • , ' , f , " . ;,

" ""'"""~"'''''

especially when compared to the huge installation and monthly fees associated with a purchasing a similar connection through a private company. Though a seemingly trivial issue, the predominance of e-mail and the Internet on this campus - which will only increase over time make a fast home cOIUlection (cable modem, Ethernet, etc.) indispensable. To compare: a cable Internet service would cost over $50 per month. Another financial plus: dorms 'are a work-study Mecca, with generous pay scales and the convenience of literally working at home. What's more, dormitory cafeterias hire students at the healthy startingwageof$7.10 an hour; you won't be paid nearly as well doing the same job anywhere else on campus. Dorm libraries, front desks, and computer sites provide additional employment right on the premises. By taking full advantage of these vast financial resources, one could potentially earn more than $2,000 without ever having to leave the cozy confines of the dormitory. What a lot of it boils down to is that it's simply worthwhile to take it easy for a couple years in the dorms. There you can decide what you want to do and when. There are no commitments, no attached stereotypes, no pressures. It's the perfect way to kick off an enjoyable college experience. Ml

Revenge of the Nerds (1984) : Freshmen outcasts Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards are bullied and beaten by the jocks of the Alpha Beta fraternity. In retaliation, they form their own fraternity and declare all-out war. A cast of stereotypical characters and a number of : raunchy jokes fill out the simple plot. Reality: Almost every stereotype from this movie can be found on North Campus. As illustrated by recent events at the University of Michigan, jocks frequently bully others by stealing personal items like computers. Fantasy: Once again, sororities are not really what your teenage imagination wishes they were. Further trips to North Campus will reveal that nerds are much too busy working on EECS 270 to score with women, much less talk to other humans.

PCU(l994): Animal House adapted to the politically correct atmosphere of the 90s. Jeremy Piven leads his housemates in a never-ending quest for a good time as they battle against leftist political groups, right-wing elitists, and an administration bent on evicting them from their home. Reality: The intro to the movie almost perfectly re-enacts the Diag scene on any given day. The administration is more concerned about diversity than actual education. The school's legal system, however, is eerily like our beloved Code (see page 7). Fantasy: In real life, AAPD would bust any party serving alcohol to minors, and Jeremy Piven would end up in jail. The Graduate (1967): Although many movies on the American Film Industry's Top 100 list may not deserve it, this film is right where it should be at number 7. Dustin Hoffman plays the role of a recent college graduate who falls in love with a girl, after an affair with her mother. After more than thirty years, this movie still remains relevant to anyone who is confused about their place in the w orld. Reality:Everything. Fantasy: Don't we all wish that Dustin Hoffman never made Ishtar? Ml

Mike Austin is a staff writer f or the Review. Thi s article o rig inally app eared in the 1() Feb. 1999 issue.

4 . '~ ~ ~ ~" ~ .~ ,~~'\".., \,~"; ~/~~'''.;I~ t; ft'1,''''v~' ,\ ~~/; 1t!, ~~t 1,.~ ~~.:. :;, -.;. ~ .. ~,~~.. ,~. ~""t.;",,. ;;':' .'>~'~ " /'/:". .. '~,/.,:,./../ t

__'' _ _ __ _ 'W'~''''''''''_~_''''-''_'''''''''''''''''~_''''"".''''' ..... ,~_ ''',...........,.,,,...,...''''"''''''V,....'''''"''''''''''' _ _ '....,,..-.-'''~~ ,-'" '.'-~,~~._,,.~'_ ........--.>_">.~"""'_~""'A_W"""'''''__ '''·,, _ __

''',__'''··'''~''''_,,·~_'·w.,,. _

" .$ i ' , "

_ _"--"--''''''"''''',.,..'''''-- .-

_ _ __

'''-'''_

Guipe's Survival Guide for Incoming Nerds BY EL SENOR GU{PE

HE FIRST THING THAT every incoming freshman must realize is that here at the Univ~rsity of Michigan, it's really easy to blend right in with the crowd. It doesn't matter whether or not the kids back in your high school used to make fun of you for being a "nerd," "loser," "dork," "four-eyes," "train-tracks," "geek," "dweeb," or" playing for the other team"; here at U-M there's bound to be at least fifty other people stranger than you. Take it from one wh~ knows. Unless you're Mark from 9911 South Quad, no one will make fun of you. Mark, you have my pity. Anyway, there are many strange types here at U-M, and all the nerds seem to fit right in. As a matter of fact, there's no better place than college to drop your old nerdish persona and become a new person. Why, I can name tens of people who, despite being considered nerds in high school, experienced a dramatic increase in coolness after coming here. So, here are my tips for all of you nerds who just graduated from high school and are looking to spend the next four years of your life as a member of the" in" crowd.

who aren't as lucky as I (and who is?), you can simply purchase contact lenses to replace your glasses. Contacts will increase your overall physical attractiveness, thus making it less obvious that you were once a nerd. This, in turn, will make it much easier for you to attract members

There's no better place than college to drop your old nerdish persona and become a new person!

of the opposite sex, or pick up chicks," as the vernacular goes. Allow me to demonstrate: You Wearing Glasses:"Wow, a beautiful woman is standing not three feet from me! lwillattempttoinitiateameaningful converstation with her. (Walking over to beautiful woman.) Hello, beautiful woman. My name is Lee Bockhorn (or whatever your name happens to be) and 1..." Beautiful Woman: (Blood-curdling scream.) "You're wearing ... glasses! Don't talk to me, you nerd!" Tip #1: Buy contacts. If only you had been wearing conLuckily, my perfect 20/20 vision has :, tacts that whole ugly incident could have allowed me to avoid the problem of wear- been avoided. ing nerdy glasses. But for th~ ofyou Tip #2: Wear Mtrendy" clothing.

,-'~ (

Now here's an area where I should take my own advice. Unfortunately, I'm far too poor to shop at any of those trendy clothing stores on State Street. This doesn't mean, however, that I can't dress in a manner that will blend in with the crowd, thus making me cool. Because, as

we all know, uniformity is cool. As I said before, there are some really bizarre people on this campus who will dress in a fashion that will make almost anything look normal - even the nerdy clothes that you wore in high school! But just to be ~e, it might be a good idea to consult the following list of which articles of clothing are cool," before making any decisions: II

~ Tshirts

Uncool Star 1iek IhirtB No pant8

JeaDS Tennis shoes "'U of M" hats

~,~,

VeIaoIboes ' ~hllts

Tip #3: Speak with a northeastern accent. My third tip, and I can't stress this enough, is that in order to be cool at U-M, you mustspeak with a northeastern accent. You see, U-M is a school largely populated by rich kids from the northeast. (If you happen to be one of them, you sicken me.) Anyway, the best way to attract the attention of all the rich frat boys and/ or sorority chicks is to speak wj~~ a northeastern accent. I mean, everybOdy knows that there are no nerds in "Joisey." Tip #4: Join a student group. One of the best ways to break out of your old nerdish persona is to get involved in student affairs. Plenty of stu路 dent groups would be ecstatic to have'you on board. A student group like, say, the Michigan Review, is always looking for bright young talent, nerd or otherwise. By getting involved in this student group, you will make people think that you have a social life, thus making you cool. If the above tips fail to transform you into a "studly, trendy, happenin' dude," it appears that, much like Mark from 9911 South Quad, you will never be cool. Let us all bow our heads in silent mourning. Take heart - coolness isn't as great as it's cracked up to be. Wear your glasses with pride, continue your sordid love af~ fair with computers, and join the Star Trek club - you'U fit in perfectly! Mt

.~ ""'.'.' ~' - . ~

. ~'~, , ''If '''

!.:......... ~"" . . ".

Excitement and adventure is the course description, and Army ROTC is the name. It's the one college elective that builds your self-confidence, develops your leadership potential and helps you take on the challenges of command. There's no obligation until your junior year, and that means there's no reason not to try it out right now .

~ ~

ARMY ROTC THE SMARTEST COLLEGE COURSE YOU CAN .TAKE For detail s, visit 13 1, No rth Hall or ca ll

764-2400

•

...

7·. -

($7.00 min. for delivery)

SUMMER HOURS: 11 AM TO 11 PM 7 DAYS A WEEK

Voted Top 3 by the Michigan Review

2259 W. Liberty • Ann Arbor

Hello! My name is Faz, and I make pizza. I travel all around the world to tell people about my pizza. Sometimes I say hello to celebrities and politicians, and ask them to come in to my shop to try some of my delicious pizza. Sometimes they come in, and sometimes they don't. But whenever they do come in, they always love my pizza. Why don't you call for free delivery right now?

-raz

We slashed our summer prices just for you! J,F. &FAZS REGULAR & SICILIAN SQUARE pfiZA ~egu'ar

Crust or Whol. Wh •• t

$3,99 +50¢ . +, 75¢ , $7.99 + $~OO

$5,99

~+$1 , 25 =+-

HALAL PlZZA ITEMS

Turkey. Ham,S$USage, Bacon. Beef,Tuna. Pep-

'oni. Steak, Chic~n. Anchovies, Onions, Mushrooms, Green Peppers, Garlic; Pineapple, Green 8. alackOllves, Feta Cheese. Pepper Rings, Spinach,

SPECIALITY PIZZAS Medium only~large

Faz: "Hello Muhammed Ali"

Tomatoes. Brocooli

o"sy ~:

The "Faz" (CALZONE) ,

DELUXE: Pepperoni, Ham. Mushroom, GreenPepper~ Onion &Oouble Cheese

MEAT FEAST: Pepperon~; Ham. Bacgp, Ground Beef, Sausage & Dbl Cheese .

HAWAIIAN: Ham, Bacon, Pineapple & Double Cheese

Folded Pizza with pius cheese, pizza sauce & '3 Items

C~ese, Tomato. Hot Peppers & Double Cheese GARDEN: Mushroom, Green Pepper, Onion. Tomato &Oouble Cheese , , GREEK: Fets

Faz: "Hello Bob Hope"

"J!g;S~

; SPINACH SUPREME: Spinach, Feta Cheese, Tomato & Double Cheese

, NOW $4.99

CHICKEN FAJfTA: Grilled Chicken Chunks, Onion, Grn Pepper & Obi Cheese . ..,,,.

I GARLIC BREAD Soft warm bread sticks

CHEESEY BREAD C HIC K EN W INGS SrnOtheredWith Mozzarefta TEN D ER S 10 pes. 20 pes. 5 Bteaded en , '. crd Gat:BUIEr' TIII'1dets St>rved wlltl ~~

topped with garlic butte

~$1 . 99

Served with pizza

Faz: "Hello Jes~se Jsckson"

CHEESE STEAK HOAGIES It

.' : ••ft!....

~Now$4.99 Faz: "Hello Mickey Mantle"

SUPREME

' ; : ~ $~.99,

~ndI()t8BOS.uCt

GYROS $4.50

GANDHI'S TASTE OF INDIA

Mall Fell. ()1ion, L.eIlJce, TomIIDl.s.uce

CHICKEN FAJITA

54.50

Faz.· "Hello Mother Theresa"

NADIAS CHAPATI ~

Chicken Curry Rtce& Vegetables

Faz: "Hello

(no meal on requesl)

~ Now $4.99

Faz: "Hello Dan Rather"

Now S3.99 Now $7,99

~"' ..... "'Tn> ~ ..... ()t flIIlCb' :~ $3.99

Faz: "Hello Gerald Ford"

FRESH B AKED SUBS HOT or COLD 8 inch only 53.99 ~16 inch only $6.99 I TALlAN ~

TURKEY : ll CLUB: H

TUNA: Tuna

PIZZA SUB:

ow $4.99

SALADS ANTIPASTO Coke, Oi Coke. Cherry . Coke, Surge. Root Beer Sprite, Or.Peppe

LOOS

Faz: "Hello President Bill Clinton"

S aeonsil

Faz: "Hello Raque/ Welch"