vol_18_no_10

THE MICHIGAN . REVIEW~

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The Campus Affairs Journal of the U~iversityof Michigan

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Jan . .26 - Fel?~.;.~~·. 2000;: ...... . _..

McCain Supporters Organize on Campus By

CURT ROBERTSON

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N JAN. 18, the University of Michigan Students for McCain hosted a statewide meeting to strum up support for the Republican Presidential contender. The gathering, of about twenty, consisted of students who had traveled from as far away as Hope College in Holland, Michigan to attend. The crowd listened intently as McCain State Co-Chair Will Rubens began the meeting and discussed the status of the national and state campaigns and what those people interested in helping the campaign effort could do for the cause both nationally and at a local level.

Rubens began by describing the Republican debate held at Calvin College on Jan. 10 where he and a few of the other

staffers involved in Students for McCain attended festivities at which McCain was present. Rubens stated resoundingly that the Senator "kicked butt" in the debate.

In regards to the forthcoming primary elections around the country, which will decide delegate support for the Republican convention in the summer, Rubens first mentioned the Iowa caucus - which he jokingly described as "meaningless," due to the fact that McCain has chosen not focus much attention in the state. Instead, McCain has concentrated his efforts on the New Hampshire primary where Rubens believes the campaign will take off, assuming a resounding win over Republican front-runner George W. Bush. Rubens stated his curren t estimates are that McCain wins the primary by "probably 20 points. "

Rubens talked about the efforts in the state campaign, mentioning the new student based organizations for McCain starting up at many Michigan colleges. Once these other campus groups have been formed, said Rubens, they will hold rotating meetings at the individual sites in an attempt to unite the campaign state wide.

McCain plans to visit Michigan on Feb. 2, when he will be in Detroit to speak at the Detroit Economic Club, and on Feb. 20 when the Senator will visit the U-M campus. ~

Will Rubens is watching you.

Sport Utilities Dominate Auto ·Show

BY KURT RADEMACHER

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HERE WAS WORD the 2000 North American International Auto Show was outgrowing the Cobo Center, which prompted auto manufacturers to build two more floors than in past years. The lines of people awaiting entrance at 9:00 a.m. were twisting throughout the Cobo Center lobby - by noon the view from the top of the exhibits was reminiscent of Times Square on New Year's Eve. The 2000 Auto Show lacked the excitement it had in prior years, when one vehicle or concept seemed to dominate the show. From the debut of the Chevrolet Corvette to the Volkswagon New Beede, the show has often created a buzz for the coming model year. This time there was no single crown gathering focus nor any must-see concept car. Many manufacturers have shifted focus to match the current

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car-buying environment: sport utilities and spite their new d~al with GM, Hummer trucks. still does not allow visitors at the show to From the Chevrolet Avalanche - a get a hands on feel for their vehicles. Still, new truck that shifts the cab further back, although they were locked out, the new shrinking the box, to the Ford Equator Hummer H2 attracted much interest from a sporty truck with the show goers. the width of Super A vehicle that Duty F-350, to the caused much buzz last year, Chrysler's Jeep Varsity - a sleeker, more comPT Cruiser, had its pact concept version production version of the traditional unveiled at the Jeep, sport utilities auto show. The PT commanded the foCruiser's unique, cus of the show. The refined look makes usual stars of the the sub-$20,OOO show, sports cars, fully loaded price were present in lesser Ford's newest sport ute, the 2001 Escape, tag all the more will go on sale this summer. numbers with new surprising. Other Viper and Jaguar concepts, but neither Chrysler offerings seemed a bit more tame seemed as tangible to those in the buyer than in the past, although the 300 Hemi market as past cars such as the Corvette.

C could bring the company into the luxury It was disappointing to see that, desports car market if it makes it to produc-

3 Letters to the Editor

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One of our readers is resorting to name-calling . We think it was pretty dumb of him to mess with Big Jim ...

A guest viewpoint from Students For Life ... and surprisingly, we at the Reviewactually commend MSA!

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tion.

As usual, the auto show served less as an information center for potential buyers than as a dream world for its vis·itors.

Luxury car displays seemed to draw significant numbers of young people, who eould wrap their fingers around the steering wheel of a BMW or Lincoln Navigator. The luxury car companies allowed visitors to get the feel of their vehicles' plush interiors and expensive amenities.

Once again , a new eeo-friendly eoncept car was introduced: Honda's FCX fuel cell vehicle. The FCX is expected to make the jump from concept car to production, lowering vehicle emissions.

Overall, the show had a lot to offer in terms of a glimpse into the future: hybrid vehicles and sport utilities with greater functionality. However, it was missing a big ticket draw. Of course that didn't slow the turn out at the show; it set an attendance record. ~

6 Columnists Review

8 Aof Hodgepodge Potpourri

Jake implores the pro-life movement to remove God from the debate; Matt extols the virtue of true diversity ...

"Technology is evil!" cries out our resident Amish ... and our resident Gentleman gives a lesson on manners.

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10 Affairs National We all know Al Gore is an idiot, but now we know why he's an idiot. Plus, learn about AOL Time Warner!

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SERPENT'S TOOTH

N CELEBRATION OF the recent Martin Luther King Day, Serpent's Tooth was happy to celebrate a different kind of diversity: the diversity of its pillows (down, goose feather, buckwheat husks, the Contour pillow, body pillows, and that between-your-thighs pillow).

Serpent's also celebrated our wonderful world of diverse bed-sizes, including twin, full, and queen. Yet unfortunately for the good Reverend, none of our staffers had any King-sized beds.

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play down the chocolate lane. / Without his stupid bitch Puff could not be brave I So Puff that mighty Daddy, sadly OD'd in his cave

It appears that with Messers. Keslacy, Quinnan, Enright and Oslick all graduating this semester, incoming College Libertarians leader Charles Goodman will need to rename the group. Specifically, he will have to drop its plural form.

January 26, 2000

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ernment. At the same time, nearby in the Hartford Coliseum they will be holding a Model Taiwanese Government, starring Stone Cold Steve Austin as the President, and Mankind as the leader of the loyal opposition. For added realism, word has it that Vince McMahon, starring as Chinese Premier Jiang Zemin, will make a surprise telephone call to the conference, promising to nuke Connecticut for harboring the capitalist rebels.

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The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Matthew S. Schwartz Editor-in-Chief

Justin Wilson Publisher

Jacob F.M. Oslick Managing Editor

James Yeh National Affairs Editor

In the January 17th issue of Time magazine, Monica L!!winsky was quoted to say "I think the best incentive is being able to put my jeans on again," on whether she is recieving any financial incentives from Jenny Craigs to drop a few pounds.

Well honey, we're pretty sure the jeans would go on easier if you took the knee pads off first.

Recently, Monica "Knee-Pads" Lewinsky became the spokesperson for Jenny Craig's weight loss program. In the commercials, Ms. Lewinsky mentions that prior to Jenny Craig, she tried a variety of different diets, all without success. This apparently included the Presidential highprotein diet: a drink for breakfast and lunch, and then a sensible dinner.

Is it just us, or is it cold outside? Unbelievably cold. Frigid even. Apparently a Curtin front has draped itself over Ann Arbor.

Word has it that Puff Daddy, rip-off artist extraordinare is in trouble again.

Serpent's Tooth hereby presents our tribute to the gangster rappa': Puff the Magic Daddy chilled by the sea / And looked out his window from Cell Block Bf Little Jenny Lopez loved that Daddy Puff/And brought him guns and knives and other gangster stuff Chorus Together they would travel, in a car with fuzzy dice f With Jenny sitting on his lap, Puff's hair filled with lice f Cheap pimps and hoes would bow, whene' er they came f And Jenny would lower her pants, when Puff roared out his name Chorus A Daddy lives forever, but no so his victim's head I When he would pump it full of hot, molten lead / One day it happened, Jenny came no more / For she had found Puff in bed with one gigantic whore Chorus His heads were limp with sorrow, gold chains fell like rain / Puff no longer got to

Once again, the Daily's fact-checkers have taken a holiday. Specifcally, in its recent.coverage of a pro-life candlelight vigil, the Daily reported that "800,000" abor. tions have been performed since Roe vs.

Wade. Actual figure: between 35-38 million.

Following the shooting incident at AEPhi, the Greek community has revoked the Fraternity's charter. StiU, don't feel too bad for the ex-members. Word has it that several of them are now seeking employment as amateur mohels.

For those of you wondering why we haven't covered the annual affirmative action festival known as Martin Luther King Day, we have a clear answer: MLK was a great man, but the militant pro-racial preferences crowd always chooses to ignore his "content of their character" remark, instead painting him as someone who would support racial preferences. And, well, we're bored with race-based admissions. There is nothing more to say on the subject. Sorry.

Recently the Daily ran a story on the blossoming membership of the gay fraternity Delta Lambda Phi and its lesbian counterpart Lambda Delta Lambda. Surprisingly we here at Se1pent's Tooth support these new additions to Fraternity and Sorority Row. After all, more than any other house, these newcomers (pun not intended) truly celebrate the glory of ancient Greek culture.

In the last issue of last year, Serpent's Tooth promised that we'd put in some Chinese Inside Jokes. The joke is ....... well, Jim, our resident Chinaman (his word, not ours) happily joined the American melting pot well over ten years ago, so he, nor his equally assimilated brother know any good ones Chinese Inside Jokes. Sorry.

(Ok, a halfassed Chinese Inside joke) The weekend of February 10-13, Yale will be conducting a Model Israeli Gov-

Upon further examination of the course guide, it turns out that the American Culture and Women's Studies departments aren't the only department with a course titled "Women in Prison." Serpent's Tooth's personal Film and Video Studies department has one too, although the full title is "Porno Movies About Women in Prison."

(And, for you political science majors) The Hellenic Students Association recently sponsored a presentation called "Cyprus In International Perspective."

Apparently the original title, "Those Dirty Bastard Turks Don't Belong in Greek Cyprus," was deemed a bit too confrontational.

In a similar story, a group of armed Turkish exchange students reportedly stormed the Kappa Delta Kappa Fraternity and seized 40% of the house in an armed coup. Apparently, the students misunderstood the term "Greek Rush."

The U.S. and Red China plan to reestablish military links this week, months after they were severed after the Red Chinese Embassy in Belgrade was accidentally bombed during last year's bombing of Yugoslavia. The dedsion to reestablish links was expected, however, as AI Gore's campaign funds were running a bit low.

Serpent's Tooth would like to congratulate Jesse Herzog on becoming the Worst Letter Writer of the Year! First he wrote a letter to us saying that the University should divert funds from Women's Athletics into Hot Dog Stands. "I like those," he wrote. Last week, he used the most flawed logic we have ever encountered to prove in a letter to the Daily that God thinks abortion is okay, because God created everything, including abortion, and God would never create something that's evil, therefore abortion is good. Bravo, Jess!

Thanks for proving that one need not be a Daily columnist to be an idiot. ~

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Scott Behnan Campus Affairs Editor C.,J. Carnacchio Alwnni Adviser and Editorial God ARTS EDITOR: CONTRIBUTING ED.: ILLUSTRATOR: ONLINE EDITOR: ONLINE STAFF: CORRESPONDENT: (LONDON)

David Guipe R. Colin Painter Astrid Phillips Rabeb Soofi Michael Rosen Julie Jeschke

STAFFWRITERS: MikeAustin,MattFranczak, Kurt Rademacher, Curt Robertson EDITORS EMERITI:Lee Bockhom Benjamin Kepple The Michigan Review is the independent. student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University 0 Michigan . We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations trom the U- M. Contributions to the Micliigan Review are taxdeductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not aftiliated with any political party or' university political group.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editori al board. Ergo, they are unequivocall y correct and just. Signed

articks, leners, and cartoons re-present the opinions of the au thor and not necessari ly those of the Review. The Serpent' s Tooth shal l represent the opinion of indi vidual anonymous contributors to the Review. and should not necessarily be taken as rep re sentative of the Review's editorial stance. The opi nions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of Ire advertisers or of the University of Michi gan. We welcome letters. articles, and comments about the journaL As of Januflry 23, 2000, (am officially commandeering thi s vessel.l see the Re ~' ie w heading for the giant ice berg and I feel a new c,aptain is iT orde r. Le.! all campus radicals be pUi on noti..:e 1. CJ . Carnacchio, Ih scourge of leftism and libertarianism. am back on the job, Run fo r your lives you commie-pinko scu m! (Editor' s N'OIe: The Rcviek' is not hc:ading to ward any iceberg, c.J. is, as usual. overreacting. perhaps due to hi s oon ~tanl drunkenne:;~. l

Plea..<.; e address all adve rti sing, subscriplion inquiries. and issue pa yments to Publisher c/o the Michigan Review.

Editorial and BUSlOess Utllees: The Michigan ReI'iew 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 481()9-1265 ierlers@ michiganreview.com http://w\ovw.michiganreview.com TeL (734) 647¡8438 â&#x20AC;˘ Fax (734) 936-2505 Copyrigbt 0 2000 ~ Michigan Review, Inc. AU rights reserved.

The Michigan Review is a member of the CooIlegiate Network.

Love us or hate us, write us.

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E-mail !etters@michiganreview. com with subject, "Letter to the Editor" Or send mail to: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Ave. Ann Arbor, M148109 .

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Michigan League, 3rdFloor, Room D Free Pizza and Pop!

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

"James Yeh Is a Big Idiot" James Yeh is a big idiot. Sorry to revert to name calling, but he makes some very idiotic claims about how America and Americans "should" be, which leads me to believe that he is, in fact, a big idiot ('Just Say Hell No, "Jan. 12,2000).

The United States only united to revolt against an oppressive government. To be an American is to have the spirit of freedom flowingthrough your veins. It is not to kick the asses of people who enjoy Creedence, as our big idiot friend so suggests. To be an American is to challenge the government when it becomes overbearing, intent on controlling the minutest of details in its citizens' lives.

"Fearing God" and "going to church on Sundays" dO.n't make you an American, they make you a Christian, which to nonchristians like myself and a good many of the, other Americans is no big deal, Mr. non-impressive idiot. Fighting for your freedom and that of your fellow man makes you American.

So you stay home and fear God, and worship Clint Eastwood, and ignore the Grateful Dead. I am going to go out and fight. I am going to make the government hears my voice. I am going to ensure that my rights aren't ripped out of my non-

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Christ-fearing hands. I am going to honor the memory of the revolutionaries before us and continue their quest for liberty. And you know'what else? I am going to smoke a big fat joint while I do it.

I won't swallow any crack pipes, or watch Pauly Shore, because I'm not an idiot. It takes more than smoking pot to be an idiot. It takes the ability to preach about American ideals while idiotically forgetting that our country is founded on the idea of remaining free from a tyrranical government.

-Jesse Miller LSA Student Mr. Miller, I'm not advocating that the govemme1lt initiate the severe beatings ofdrug users and other social garbage; I'm simply encouraging the individualprivate citizen to take the initiative in making his country a better place, by working over potheads and their ilk with tire-irons and other related blunt objects (they don't seem to mind losing brain cells). Remember, we believe in less government. And no, I don't worship Clint Eastwood He hasn't done anything good since "Unforgiven." You seem to forget that drug use right now is illegal so thus, we're not taking away your rights;

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there are none to take away. !, too, intend to honor the memories ofour founding fathers, not by lighting up a joint, but by ridding the country Of those who do. By the wa,J; ifyou must insist on name calling, then I think you're a damn dirty [expletive deleted]-eating mother- [expletive deleted] pinko [expletive deleted]-sucking hippie son-ofa-whore, and I hope that you stop smoking pot, because I don't want my foture tax dollars going into your welfare checks.

But let's try to keep this civilized Rom. 6:23 and Rom. 12:19. (and! love Creedence) -Mr. Yeh

courses. The instructor, Irving "Hap" McCue, grew up on an Indian reservation in Canada and is very insightful as to the Ojibwan way of life and the language that they speak. In reality, Ojibwa is still spoken in parts of the American Northwest and also in many regions of Canada. Hap tells many stories in class about growing up on an Indian reservation, as well as the abuses ofIndians by the Canadian government. All in all, Ojibwa has been a wonderful learning experience for me, and it has helped to shape my views of world culture. I would encourage you to sit in on one of Hap's Ojibwa classes so you can evaluate for yourself what a truly great learning experience Ojibwa can be. Please know that this note was in no way meant to insult you or your paper. I hope that the Michigan Review will continue to serve the growing number of conservatives on this campus. Keep up the good work.

-Ari L. Faneuil

Ojibwa Still Spoken I am a big fan of the Michigan Review, as it tends to represent the conservatives on a dangerously liberal campus. I usually agree with most of the content in the paper, but I do not feel that your comments on Elementary Ojibwa 222 reflect the truth about this relatively unknown class ("Matt's WOrst of Winter 2000," Jan. 12, 2000). I am currently in Ojibwa 322, the third semester of the Ojibwa sequence. Although the class may not be as intensive as courses in French, Spanish or German, I feel that I have learned a great deal from my Ojibwa

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January 26.2000\

GUEST VIEWPOINT

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Roe v. Wade A License to Kill ~LATE JANUARY once again approaches, so too does the anniversary of Roe v.

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Wade. This 1973 Supreme Court decision gu~anteed women in the United States e right to have an abortion. Since this landmark decision nearly 35 million children have been the victims of the so-called "right to choose." This anniversary is a time to mourn the loss of these innocent children who didn't get the chance to live, dream, and hope like you and me.

Today, 27 years after Roe v. Wade, the issue of whether or not abortion should remain legalized is as hot as ever. It will certainly be the defining moral and political issue of the twenty-first century. Almost an entire generation has come of age since the legalization of abortion, and these young people, myself included, have seen that legalized abortion is a destructive force in American society. Here I am not talking about the so-called "divisiveness" the issue supposedly causes, but rather the total disrespect for human life it te-aches many of our peers as evidenced by the recent wave of school shootings and the literal throwing in the trash of new born infants. Young people today are increasingly realizing that the pro-choice propaganda slogan, "Abortion is a personal marter between a woman and her doctor" is dead wrong. Abortion effects us all.

Pro-choice advocates cloak themselves in false righteousness, claiming to be the guardians of women's rights. However, when these defenders of women's rights are asked about the emotional agony t,hathaving an abortion causes a woman, they have nothing to say.

The attitude about abortion in the U.S. is changing despite what the pro-choice side would like us all to believe. Abortion rates are at their lowest levels in 25 years and more young people than ever are participating in the pro-life movement. Meantime young people's enthusiasm for the pro-choice side and their rhetoric is fading quickly. This is a definite shift from 1973, but why? The answer is simple: the pro-choice side's propaganda is hollow. Pro-choice advocates cloak themselves in false righteousness, claiming to be the guardians of the women's rights movement by shouting "Our bodies, our choice."

However, when these defenders of women's rights are asked about such things as postabortion syndrome and the emotional agony that having an abortion causes a woman, they have nothing to say. They play dumb. They hide behind their slogans and don't want to think about those things.

Yet young people today are thinking more critically about both the personal and societal consequences of abortion . Young pro-lifers come from all different backgrounds, liberal and conservative, Democrat and Republican, black and white, rich and poor, etc.

They are united in their determination not only to stop an immoral and inhumane procedure, but also to bear witness to the fact that abortion is not the solution to America's problems. Even the pro-choice side, at least in principle, agrees that society would be better off if there were never another abortion performed.

As the future leaders of this new and promising century, young people must take the lead in not only fighting to over turn Roe v. Wade but also addressing the reasons why women are forced to seek abortions in the first place. Is it because of poverty, lack of education, the undervaluing of children? Young pro-lifers must stand up and be ready to help try to find viable solutions to these very real problems if the evil of abortion is ever to be eradicated entirely.

The momentum is clearly on the pro-life side. Even though great obstacles remain, the future is bright. I believe abortion has long been discredited in the hearts and minds of a majority of today's young generation. What is needed now is the galvanization of these young people who are "sitting on the fence" into an effective activist force dedicated to the peaceful eradication of the heinous crime of abortion. I challenge you to take a stand! Participate in pro-life activities and do not be afraid. We are the young of today but the leaders of tomorrow. :r-.R

-Andrew Shirvell, Vtee-Pmidmt, Students For life

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FROM !SUITE ONE

Thumbs Up to MSA OR MANY YEARS, the Review has castigated this once-great University for its failure to provide adequate diversity. We mean, of course, not the pseudo-"diver sity" by the Lefr whereby the definition of a "diverse" education is having students of all races and creeds learning the same party line. Rather, we have promoted the diversity of ideas - the contrasting dialogue of opinions found in a traditional liberal arts education. (For a related story, see Matt's column on page 7.) Typified by our "Foulest of Fall" and "Worst of Winter" columns, we have long critiqued the left-wing stranglehold on academia on campus, where seemingly everything in all of history and literature gets deconsuucted into the oppression of minority "race, class, and gender." In this manner, we have similarly lambasted the Michigan Student Assembly (MSA), both for its frequent passage of inane resolutions supporting every protest on campus, and its Budget and Priorities Committee's funding of said protests.

Accordingly, the subject of this particular praise might come as a surprise to some of our readers. For, dissenting from its standard line of intellectual intolerance (witness the 路 defeat of measures to bring Dinesh D'Souza to campus last fall) MSA has recently taken the initiative to broaden campus debate. We speak in particular of the Democracy Project, part ofMSA's "Voice Your Vote" task force. The Project, which debuted last week seeks to present opposing views of major issues through a series of monthly forums. Last week, the discussion centered on whether the U.S. government should impose trade sanctions on countrieS that violate human rights. In the spirit of genuine discussion, none of the four participants took an extreme, absolute stand. Instead, all pointed out that sanctions can work under the proper circumstances, they simply disagreed about precisely when they are effective. Also, the skill with which each participant articulated his view, and responded to questions indicates the care the Democracy Project took to recruit intelligent debaters on both sides of the issue.

We hope that the Democracy Project continues its planned monthly discussions. In fact, if possible, we would encourage even greater frequency. This would permit the Project to focus not only on rather esoteric national issues, but collegiate concerns as well (i.e. to rush or not to rush). In either case, these forums would permit students to hear both sides of an issue. In doing so, the Project might begin to balance out the never-ending sueam of virtual propaganda mouthed by Diag protesters and too often, U-M professors.

Still, afrer perusing the crowd at last Thursday's discussion, we do recognize the need to temper our praise with a sobering recognition. With wide publicity for the event, through postering and mass e-mails, the debate did manage to attract a sizable audience.

Yet, unfortunately, the audience seemed to consist mostly of the campus's regular activists . and political junkies. In short, instead of stimulating hordes of campus apathetics to hear an informed discussion, the Project's organizers mostly succeeded in reaching the already converted.

To truly serve as an effective tool for shaping campus debate, the Project must somehow pierce the Berun Wall of apathy dividing the campus into hard-core activists and utterly unaffiliated individuals. Admittedly, we fear this task might prove insurmountable, but applaud the valiant efforts of anyone seeking to create a tide of discourse. ~

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Take the Initiative!

Sign and Circulate Both Petition inserts in this editition of the Review!

Free the weed!

The top petition is the

Personal Responsibility Amendment "Asserting the private jurisdiction of the individual!"

PRA2000 ends marijuana prohibition and forfeitures.

3 plants & 3 oz. of homegrown marijuana in the privacy of the horne away from children.

Just say KNOW to the "War on (soUle) Drugs! ******* The bottom petition is the

Part-time Legislature Amendment "No mans Life, Liberty, or Property is safe while the legislature is in session!"

Who do you think got us in this mess in the first place?

A standing army of elitist career politicians who hang around lAnsing all year working for special interests and not for their hometown constituents; that's who!

The Part- time Legislature Amendment will limit the legislature to meeting from January till April and provide an unpaid leave of absence for legislative service so that regular working men and women can serve as elected lawmakers without losing their jobs, benefits, or seniority. We need real people in government - people who have common sense and who won't forget where they came from; people who will go home for most of every year to live and work under the laws they make!

42 other states have part-time legislatures. Michigan used to have one. Now it will have one again!

Please sign and circulate both the enclosed attached petitions. Leave them connected to eachother and return them to me at your earliest convenience to the address located in the lower left comer of the petition. Deadline for collecting 302,711 signatures is July 10, 2000!

Volunteer to collect lots of signatures - gonna stand up or what! Call liz at (734) 913-9257 Extra petitions are available for signing and pick up at Pure Productions on 4th street or call Schmid Law Office (517) 799-4641

Legal size it! Petitions available for printing off the Internet on legalize legal size paper (8112" x 14") at

www.ballot2000.net

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THE ROAD FROM SERFDOM

Remove God From the Abortion Debate Emphasis on Religion Damages Pro-Lifers' Credibility

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GULAR READERS OF the Re view probably recall the multitude

f pot-shots we've taken at Daily columnists over the years. More than anything, we've chastised them for advocating politics slightly to the Left of Leon Trotsky. Thus, the subject of my rant this week might come as somewhat of a surprise. True, like usual, the victim remains a Daily columnist. Yet, this time I've chosen to aim my intellectual fire at Mike Lopez, a.k.a. the Daily's "token conservative." Why? Because in his recen t pro-life column "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled ... " Mr. Lopez Jacob EM. unwittingly inflicted more damage on the Oslick Right-to-Life movement then countless pro-choice editorials po~ibly could. For, in this inept display of editorial buffoonery, Mr. Lopez only reinforced the pro-life movement's greatest liabiliry: the common notion that abortion opponents are merely religious freaks trying to impose Popish dogma upon an unsuspecting population.

In doing so, he stigmatized the pro-life campaign as a primarily religious, not universally moral crusade.

Consider, for example, his opening in which he contrasted two groups of people.

One group, genuine pro-lifers according to Mr. Lopez, consists of people who support "Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa, Gandhi, the Virgin Mary, and Jesus." Everybody not in Group 1 falls defacto into the pro-choice grouping with "Al Gore, President Clinton, Madonna, Jane Fonda."

Perhaps the central problem with this construction rests on the assumption that one need support the role-models of Group 1 to fall into that category. By example, this falls apart. I, for instance, am a committed pro-lifer, yet those individuals he chronicles as "Four are saints and the other is G-d," I would relegate to the lower status of "three humanitarians, one undistinguished hereti~ and his mother."

Still, I am pro-life. Why? To understand that, let's look at Mr. Lopez's second assumption about Group 1's pro-lifers. Namely, that they shun the seven Catholic deadly sins of "Gluttony, pride, lust, avarice, wrath , sloth and envy" (which he characterizes as representing pure "Evil") and accept the Catholic virtues of "faith, hope and chariry.... pru-

dence, justice, fortitude and temperance."

Laughably, Mr. Lopez even defines abortion as a symptom of this all-encompassing "Evil," as if some fatso wearing expensive makeup, eyeing her neighbor's Big Mac, while watching television for three days straight is responsible for Roe vs. Wade.

This argument falls in that it's based on a particular, exclusionary moraliry-that advocated by Roman Catholicism. It does not rest upon any objective criterion. Why, for instance, is someone who enjoys food too much a "glutton," and hence, a representation of "Evil." Has the glutton harmed anyone except perhaps his own physique? Thus, in contrast to Mr. Lopez I proudly admit my sloth (one need take but one glance at my room to see what I mean), gluttony, envy and occasional lust (ironically, I don't think I have a great deal of wrath, avarice, or pride). I shamelessly admit that I enjoy a plethora of different hedonistic fashions - and I don't think most are particularly wrong. Why? Because they don't hurt others, and, being a staunch non-Catholic, I don't particularly care about Augustine & Co. personal fetishes.

Herein lies the central tragedy of the pro-life movement. Since its inception it has been held captive by the forces of Catholicism and evangelical Protestantism.

On the front lines of protest stand priests and ministers. On bumper-stickers and websites Mr. Lopez's cry is echoed that G-d doesn't like abortion. But, what is the atheist, or the agnostic, or, for that matter, the Hindu, to make of this Christianized appeal? The answer: why should I care if their G-d doesn't favor abortion, since I don't believe in their G-d. When their holy scriptures are but scribbles on a page, why should I pay them any heed? The choir of actual and wannabe clergymen united against abortion preach only to the converted. And the converted, mind you, are the ones who probably wouldn't seek abortion anyway.

Immediately, the pro-life cause gets relegated to that small corner in the back of a religious book store. Mr. LOpez, you have but energized this deadly stereotype.

For, in realiry, few secularists (or your supposed heathens) will change their minds based on a "faith" (one of Mr. Lopez's seven virtues, I believe) they lack.

So, if not this touchy-feely "faith" thing, what should pro-lifers base their arguments on? Reason. Science. Objective moraliry (do not confuse with Randian nonsense-"Objectivist" moraliry, I mean objective in the sense that one can deter~ mine it solely though logic) . Specifically, everyone (minus Pete Singer, Charles

Manson, and Saddam Hussein) rejects the proposition that killing innocent people is wrong. Indeed, since childhood even the strongest atheist among us has been instructed to learn that the government is empowered ro protect life, liberry, and property. Note here that life is mentioned first, as it remains the preeminent right without which no other rights are possible.

So, right off the bat, 90 percent of the argument is already won. Americans don't need to learn that murder is wrong, and they certainly don't need religion for that,

this numerical tragedy might shift minds - how Roe vs. Wade's expansionist vision scathingly permits abortion for any demand.

Finally, instead of more -Bible-thumping, the pro-life movement could work on correcting the wide-spread rumors of illegal abortion horror stories in the years before Roe. For example, parrotting the standard line, a recent Daily editorial commented that a reversal of Roe would force "desperate women" to "turn to alarmingly unsafe methods." In realiry, as even Dr.

Herein lies the central tragedy of the pro-life movement: Since its inception it has been held captive by the forces of Catholicism and evangelical Protestantism. And immediately, the pro-life cause gets relegated to that small corner in the back of a religious book store. they need to learn that abortion is killing, although maybe not outright murder.

For that, the prQ-life movement needs only to convey the most basic medical information. That, even at conception, a developing child possesses all the genetic material they will carry throughout their life. That, a mere three weeks after fertilization, the heart begins to beat. That, within six weeks, basic brain waves begin to appear. Together, these meet the absolute definition of life, used in hospitals worldwide. That, given today's medical technology, a developing child can survive outside its mother at just 19 weeks of age.

Despite all that, abortion remains legal even unto the ninth month of pregnancy. Under today's system of mis-jurisprudence, a dog enjoys more protection under the law.

It might also help to stress the misconceptions Americans hold about abortion. Most Americans, if asked straightout, will declare their support for abortion's legaliry. Yet, when asked why, the reasons they give prove enlightening. In total, 55% percent of Americans never support abortion, or only favor it in under the extreme circumstances of rape, incest, and saving the mother's life. Yet, those complicated cases make up only 7% of total abortions performed - with the rest based entirely upon personal choice. Similarly, polls show wide majorities of people supporting additional restrictions after the first or second trimesters. Perhaps a clear telling of

Bernard Nathanson, a co-founder of the National Abortion Rights Activist League, now admits, tales of 5,000 to 10,000 women dying every year from illegal abortions were total and purposeful fabrications -lies created to aid the pro-choice movement in its political campaign to unde~足 mine abortion law. In truth, according to the U.S. Bureau of Vital Statistics, in the year prior to Roe vs. Wade, only 39 women died from so-called back-alley abortions. In wntrast, between 1973-1987 (the last year the U .S. Government collected such statistics) an average of 15.3 women died each year from legal abortions. So, one might expect additional abortion restrictions to cause about two dozen deaths per year.

Even this is a high estimate-- given the tremendous medical advances since 1973. In . any case, these deaths remain a tragedy, but they fall far shy of the epidemic threatened by abortion activists-- especially when one considers the roughly seven-fold jump in nationwide abortions following Roe v. Wad,.

In any case, a change in tactics as outlined above might lead to the first serious restrictions on abortion since that nefarious court verdict seventeen years ago. Given clear enunciations of exactly what abortion is, why women seek it, and when in the pregnancy it remains legal, Americans might finally clamor for sensible regulation. If there's anything the past seventeen years have taught us, it's that religion will not do the trick alone. fvR

D PICTURES AT AN EXHIBITION U-M's Utopia: A Diversity of Skin Colors

D

IVERSITY IS IMPORTANT. Many people may find it odd for the Michigan Review editor to say that, but it is. Conservativ<:s have never been against diversity in itself - the thought of anyone opposing diversity is as ludicrous to me as it is to my liberal counterparts across campus. A homogenous society leads to a stagnation of ideas; a Matthew single culture that, without change Schwartz over time, becomes stale; and, most dangerous, a fear or hatred of those who are different. Diversity is crucial to life in today's interconnected world.

Yet over the past few decades or so, the word "diversity" has lost its original meaning. Now when one finds the word in print, or in speeches, it invariably refers to skin color. It has gotten to the point where when conservatives speak of diversity, they almost always must say the entire phrase, a "diversity of ideas." At one time, those last two words didn't need to

be spoken, but in today's world if we leave "of ideas" out, everyone will just naturally assume we are talking about skin color, a multitude of pinks and browns and everything in between. And that 'Would be a step in the wrong direction . .

I see a liberal iQ the corner raising her hand. "Matt, we liberals aren't pushing for a diversity of skin colors; we want a diversity of cultures, so that, as you said earlier, people will learn to Jive together and incorporate aspects bf others' cultures - others' ideas - into their own! How could you be against thati" I'm not againstthat. What I am against is using skin color as a shortcut to attaining a diversity of ideas. On the U-M's application for admission, a question asks you to indicate your race. It's an 路 optionalquescion, true, but if you're a minority and you choose not to answer it, you aren't taking full advantage of the U.M's extreme dedication co diversity. Just how extreme? Some oft-quoted statistics, which we at the Review haven't quoted nearly enough this year: The University uses a IOO-point sOtle to decide who to admit each year. A perfect score on your SATs is worth 12 points toward admission. Having brown skin (being black, Latino/a, or Native American) is

worth 20 points. But that's not the whole of it: the U-M will grant 10 points to anyone getting 1000 points on the SATs (an average score). Therefore, all those high school students who spent countless hours studying for what they thought was the most important test of their liv~, learning new vocabulary and equations - perhaps even spending hundreds of dollars for training courses - and managed to get a perfect score, only got two more points than someone who did nothing to prepare and got a 1000. So in essence, the University gives 10 times as many points for having brown skin as they do for acing the SATs. What's the result of all this? Well, put bluntly, yheresult is a lot of people who got a lot of points toward admission not because they did well on standardized tests, but because they were minorities. I'm not saying that they needed the extra help, but the University obviously felt they did or at least it didn't want to take any chances.

And now the question: why does the U-M grant so many points baseq solely on one's race? Is it an attempt to make up for the poor education of minorities who live in the inner city and can't attend good schools? No, the University takes care of all poor applicants with its 20 extra points

for socioeconomic status. Therefore, the only reason for the skin color points is to increase the "diversity" among students on campus. The University claims that its students will benefit from seeing how other cultures think. But, as the Review has pointed out countless times, that is a patronizing and racist notion. Patronizing because this system in essence utilizes minorities for the benefit of non-ininorities, giving whites and Asians thousands of living, breathing textbooks from which to learn about the other side; racist because assuming that entire cultures think in the same way is extremely stereotypical.

A diversity of ideas will truly benefit every student, but because the University wo~'t make the effort to truly rank its applicants on an ideological spectrum - by, for instance, asking students to designate their political affiliation on the application - all we get is a kaleidoscope of colors, each one expected to have a different take on the issues of the day. Why is this a step in the wrong direction? Because students will graduate and take into the real world the notion that blacks think one way, Latinos another, and whites yet another.

This is no way to promote true understanding among cultures. ~

Political Apathy on Campus: Who Cares?

BY

R.

COLIN PAINTER

T IS NOT the qualified voters, but the qualified voters who choose to . vote, that constitute the political power ofthe state. " - Abraham Lincoln

I

Americans are a curious bunch. They wildly proclaim that democracy is the best political system in the world. They are pushy with their liberties and freedoms, and like to sue people or institutions that infringe upon them. Yet Americans don't like to do the most democratic of things: vote. American presidential elections see 50 percent or less of the registered voting public, and often much less during intraterm elections for Congress. Americans are politically apathetic.

A subset of the American population even more apt toward apathy is the twentysomething college student. It often shocks the politically responsible to learn that not only do most of his peers not vote regularly; many aren't even registered to vote at all. Part of the problem stems ftom political ignorance, especially concerning issues and candidates - it can be difficult to find time in between hours of textbook reading to keep on top of political news. But

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perhaps a greater reason for this sad state . of affairs is apathy, political "laziness" and lack of interest in the forces which ulrimately govern our homes, jobs, and lives.

This apathy will have consequences (and has had already) for the younger people of our nation. Senior citizens and various political lobby groups organizedon their behalf - such as the '~Grey Panthers" or the AARP - vote in very high numbers and have huge political power and influence. As a result, they can force tax increases to fund their Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits, among other things. In addition, they often have a large impact on local decuons, often times defeating millage increases for public schools at which they no longer have children.

There is nothing wrong with seniors voting for their best interests, mind you, but the point is that balance is needed in a democracy; otherwise it can breed feelings of disenfranchisement and alienation from the state. There are far too many "New Age" hippy-wannabes who feel like "no one understands them," or "the stat<! is evil, and allows bad things to happen to good people." Well, my apathetic and alienated peers, why don't you vote to change the things you want chariged? Become active,

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make a difference, etc. Look how much damage the whack-job activists of the Sixties wrought upon the social and moral fabric of our fair Union - they nearly brought it to its knees! You too can make those kinds of differences .. .

On the other hand, maybe voter apathy is a good thing, especially among the younger segments of society. They were never intended to have a vote anyway. The Founding Fathers created a "republic" rather than a democracy. The people elect the government, and that government rules for them. In a true democracy, the people issues and decide would vote upon policy themselves. Even a Democrat has enough imagination to see the terrible havoc such a system would wreak. Originally, the Senate was chosen by the state governments; the President is still elected by the electoral college rather than the people, and the Supreme Court is appointed by that President. The only part of the federal government ever intended to be elected directly by the people was the House of Representatives, and even then only the landed elites were to have the vote.

You see, the Founding Fathers didn't believe the average Joe could really make informed decisions. The original Republic

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was based on Cicero's model, combining the undemocratic and the democratic in an effort to make a more balanced government free from tyranny or domination by one man or party. Well-meaning members of government have changed that system, and made it more democratic. However, they have also increased the opportunity for a tyranny of the masses, and "mob mentality." Congress; once tempered by the aloofness of the Senate, is now a hive of bees, racing around doing their best to serve their special interests and feed a load of crap to their constituents, all the while trying desperately to avoid the vicious paws of today's muckraking, attack-dog media.

We can't trust the government, because lying to us is their bread and butter. So it's really better if college students don't vote.

The concept of our peers voting for policies that would affect our lives is frightening to say the least. The older members of society are better informed anyway, so why not just let them do voting? But then, since our peers don't vote anyway, the point becomes moot. Of course, this begs the question: "Who cares?" ~ e-mail us:

letters@michiganreview.com

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January 26,

MUSINGS OF A COUNTRY GENT

In Praise of the Amish How Technology Is Ruining America BY

R.

COLIN PAINTER

T

HE 20m CENTURY is behind us now, locked forever in the pages of the history books. On the threshold of a new millennium, now is a good time to pause, and reflect upon the great technological advances, for better or worse, that were thrust upon mankind in the past one hundred years. Many of us take only a passing glance behind us, too busy with life and consumed with modern "conveniences" to accurately weigh the impact of those momentous changes. But as an avowed technophobe and hopeless romantic, I feel it my duty to point out the glaring drawbacks of these new "wonders" and question their deleterious impact on our society.

Many people these days talk about the modern "urban warrior." Armed with a cell phone, alpha-numeric pager, Palm Pilot, and laptop computer, the new businessman is well equipped to give and receive information wherever he goes. At lunch?

No problem, your pager will go off, telling you its time to turn on your cell phone and check your voice mail. On a trip with the family out in the wilderness, but the boss needs a report right away? No problem - hook your laptop up with its new cordless modem and tell the kids to go play

been on a trip with the family and had the pager go off? The problem with these new gadgets is not that they are intrinsically evil, but rather that they are abused by the people they are supposed to be helping.

Instead of going out to a coffee shop with friends, people stay home and surf the web. "Doesn't TV cause the same thing," you ask? There lies the logical breakdown. TV never competed with the interaction of a friend. You couldn't talk to a friend over the TV and pretend it was just like being there in person. Now, people can "1M" each other and carty Out whole discussions over the Net. Hell, why bother to leave your apartment? You can buy groceries, books, pay bills, take care of banking, allover the Net! America is no longer full of coach potatoes; now we are becoming a race of net junkies, increasingly glued in front of our computer monitors.

No need to learn social graces or even learn how to interpret all the rich meaning found in human body language, gestures, and voice intonation; just draw a smiley face on your 1M. That means you are happy. Yeah, the Internet sure has brought people together, all right. Why get a magazine or newspaper, when you can get the news in tiny little sound bytes from news webpages? Can't read a computer monitor on the john? Oh well, that's the price of

Every year the number of daily newspapers in the United States falls. I dread the day when people use lingo like "hot off the presses" but have no idea what it means. in the woods. Your father never had time to spend with his family, but now with all these wonderful .new gadgets, you have more spare time than he could have imagined what to do with. Don't want to miss junior's baseball game but have to plan that presentation for work tomorrow? Just whip out the old Palm Pilot, and plug the info in your computer later using Palm Pilot's PC hookup. Who cares if you can't pay attention to the game; at least your child knows that business always come first.

Now, whether on vacation or visiting old college friends, the office can get in touch with you. Indeed, a wonderful new world.

But what about the dark side of life for the modern "gadgeteer?" Ever met someone who absolutely couldn't go more than an hour without checking their email? Tired of those jerks who always use their cell phones at the movie theaters? Ever

living a richer, better life.

Call me crazy, but all this new technology doesn't seem to make anyone's life easier or less complicated. Rather, it seems to make everyone busier and add more work to their jobs. I have come to rely on e-mail for class information and sometimes even assignments - and I hate it. My computer is a dinosaur, an old 486 (remember those, they came right after the 386). It . certainly has made my life convenient and easy to have to trudge five blocks over to NUBS or Angell Hall every cold, Michigan night to check my oh-so-vital e-mail.

It is mosdy trash anyway, spewed from the useless e-mail groups I somehow find myself on.

I long for the days when a vacation meant "they" couldn't get a hold of you, when you could sit and fish quiedy up on Saginaw Bay and let your troubles drift off

Ryan wants to live in an "Amish Paradise." across the lake. There is something almost magical about taking an old book down off the shelf, feeling its familiar, well-worn pages, smelling its somehow comforting musty binding, and reading it again for the eighth rime. Or I can just call it up on my computer and read it in the comfort of my office chair in front of my cancer-causing computer terminal. I'm a guy who gets excited when the mail comes, expecting a letter from parents, a postcard from my uncle on a hunting trip in Wyoming, or the latest edition of Newsweek, to read over and over until the pages are literally falling apart.

Evety year the number of daily newspapers in the United States falls. Readership drops every year in this country and thus many small papers go under. I dread the day when people use lingo like "hot off the presses" but have no idea what it means. Or does it have any meaning left at all? I love the smell of fresh newsprint, as opposed to the cold, impersonal glare of my computer screen. h seems as though there is nothing substantial in the modern lifestyle. Everything is digitized, available to even the poorest people on their computers ...

Well, I guess not to the poorest, but who cares? Computers are so much better

than the printed word, aren't they? To answer that, in the resoundingly negative, I use the U-M courseguide as an example.

As a freshman, I could use a printed version, and sit quiedy in the Arboretum planning my classes for the winter semester. But no more, unless I want to drop a couple grand on a new laptop. (And for those of you from New York, that actually is a lot of money to real people.)

In all thi~ rush for new and better ways to connect everybody, we have forgotten that sometimes solitude is desirable. Everyone has become so concerned with getting information to people that we have overlooked the fact that some information is more equal than the rest. We can live perfecdy healthy lives (if not healthier and less stressful ones) without having to know every useless detail of every news event the minute it happens with our alpha-numeric pagers and Palm Pilots. Maybe it's myoid Mennonite heritage, but maybe the Amish have something. Give me newspapers, a good old leather-bound paper planner with a nice pen, and a whole bookshelf of musty books any day. You can keep your modern "conveniences"; I for one refuse to become a slave to technology. Disagree? Write-me a letter - one with stamps. I don't like checking my e-mail.Ml

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The End of Chivalry The Days of Ladies and Gentlemen Are Long Gone at Michigan By

MICHAEL AUSTIN

ICTURE ANY PARTY on campus.

At every single party there are always those certain people you just know you're going to see. You know who I'm talking about: there's the guy who tries to dance with a girl, but she just dances with her friends or finds a different guy to dance with in an effort to discourage him.

Or there's the girl, freshly attired from Express in barely more than a smile, who can't comprehend why none of the men she meets looks her in the eyes. Once in a while

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dismisses it with an excuse is fooling themselves. If you still think this behavior is just fine then consider the next step, and the step after that. Pretty soon it stops being an annoyance and people get hurt, both mentally and physically.

It's rare when I find myself agreeing with SAPAC's alarmist view of gender relations on campus (the Review is, after all, home of SA PAC's arch-nemesis Jacob Oslick; yet for all the scorn he's received he still remains a perfect gentleman.) After seeing the conduct of some ungentlemanly men, however, it's easy to see how the more

Grabbing a girl's posterior is never appropriate, and it could be considered sexual assault.

I have never met a girl who enjoys getting groped by strangers. you'll see the out of control drunk, either going on a rampage or trying to sleep with everyone he meets - depending on his mood.

Now here's the tough part: what's wrong with this picture? The behavior ,I just described has become so commonplace that most people hardly notice, much less think there's anything inappropriate going on. And true, we're not talking about an epidemic, just a few bad apples out of a very large bunch. Still, it is undeniable that these things happen on a regular basis.

The problem is that these people think they live in a bubble. They think everything they do is fine, without considering the consequences or responsibilities of their actions. Now one might still think this is no big deal. The guy is going to find someone to dance with eventually, the girl loves the attention, and the drunkard is going to wake up with a big hangover for his or her troubles. The point is that the guy dancing never cares how someone feels about dancing with him as long as they're dancing . The girl doesn't realize that nobody's interested in her personality. The drunkard could care less about whose carpet the vomit lands on.

If you still think that this type of behavior isn't a problem, let's take it one step further. Say a guy likes the looks of a girl walking by so he grabs her ass with a wink and a smile. Or say a girl dresses in nothing but saran wrap (I have actually seen this, granted it was- a Halloween party) so she can be the life of the party. You could argue that there's nothing wrong with a little grab, or claim that if you've got it you should flaunt it. There are innumerable excuses for these actions, but anybody who

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dangerous people are hard to notice at a first glance. I'm not going to waste space talking about the kind of people we all know are a problem. What I'm talking about are the things nobody considers bad anymore; incidents that are "no big deal."

No big deal because it happens all the time.

No big deal until you consider what it would be like if the next step would be.

And once we set forth on that pat!), it's a slippery slope ftom there on down.

Both sides need to take responsibility.

Women need to stop letting the men with happy hands have their way. Feminists would have you believe that some women let this happen because they have low self esteem from being repressed into their gender role by a male-dominated patriarchal society. I personally don't believe that. If someone is making you uncomfortable in any way you have two choices: find a way to stop it (I recommend a swift kick to the bollocks), or leave. Use the buddy system if you have to, but please assert yourself before allowing yourself to be victimized.

Now, in fairness, men have a great deal of cleaning up to do as well, because if we all acted civilized, I wouldn't be writing this column. Men need to come to the realization that just because a girl is within half a mile does not mean she wants you. Also, if she runs for the corner at first acquaintance, your luck probably won't improve no matter how much the beer tells you it will. If you have a problem with self-control, alcohol-induced or otherwise, you need to find a way to control it - no excuses.

Sadly I don't see any of this coming to an end any time soon. Unlike the well-adjusted adults most of us are, some people still haven't gotten over that time in fifth

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Mike dreams nostagically for the days of courtly behavior. grade when our secret crush circled "no" on a "do you like me?" note. For some reason alcohol and large crowds mak~ them put their brains into Ohio State mode (i.e. turn them off, for those of you unfamiliar with Ohio State's "rigorous" curriculum), and act in ways that most of us wouldn't even consider. Then they're the people who .are just plain srupid those who go by some totally different moral code from the rest of the universe.

How anyone could consider invading someone else's personal space, or complacently allow such invasions, is beyond me. Still, these select few co-eds can't get it through their heads that they could do something unacceptable.

It all starts with is a lack of respect for both oneself and others. It goes without saying that any man (or should I say boy) who considers copping a feel to be proper has a fundamental lack of respect for women. They also obviously don't regard themselves too highly since conversation, or even basic friendliness, is beyond them. If you happen to be one of these developmentally challenged men, here's a quick test: would you want someone doing this to you sister? Your mom?

Your daughter? Well then maybe you shouldn't do it to the blond girl in the Vneck, even if she is wearing black pants and three-inch heels. Women need to respect themselves enough to know that they shouldn't be wasting time with men who are far, far beneath them.

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This idea of respect is pretty simple. All it means is that men should treat women like ladies, and women should act the part.

Men need to recognize the personal boundaries every girl has. First and foremost, grabbing a girl's posterior is never appropriate, and it could be considered sexual assault.

Second, it accomplishes nothing positive; I have never met a girl who enjoys getting groped by strangers. Women need to realize that if they dress provocatively then they're going to get a l~t of attention, and batting their eyelashes won't make it go away. Both men and women need to take responsibility for how they behave instead of blaming it on 路someone else.

I know there are still some people at this point who think I'm being a prude. I'm not against having a good time. What I'm against is people whose behavior gets way out ofiine, and the people around them who let it happen . That's where everyone else comes in, because we need to take responsibility too, for letting these deeds take place at all. If your friend has a drinking problem don't ignore it, do something about it to help them. If your friend makes a pass at anything with a pulse, let him know when it's not working. If your friend is trapped on the dance floor in a sea of Abercrombie, go rescue her. I encourage people to go out and have a good time. Have fun. Just remember everyone else is trying to have fun too. ~ e-mail us: ktters@michiganreview.com

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January

Al Gore: A Record of Doubietalk Veep's Words and Actions Don't Always Match 'Up

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BY JUSTIN WILSON

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ESPITE HIS RELATIVELY high standing in the polls, and popularity with Democratic voters across the CDuntry, Vice President Al Gore's recent political blunders deserve more attendon than they have received. Gore has offended people left and right with his grossly underestimated hypocrisy, but his crack team of political spin-doctors has effectively swept everything under the carpet. Gore has never been a man of tact, and his entire political life has been wrought with political fDibles indicative of his hypocritical demeanor. Democrats and Republicans alike should pay moreattention to Gore's would-be political disasters, and express their disgust with his disreputable cover-up policy.

Environment Gore has always prided himself on his ultra-environmentalist views, yet would a true environmentalist ever raise a river, harming the eCDsystem in the process, solely to appear "in touch with nature" for the voters? Surely not. Yet in mid-July of last year, amidst a drought, Gore did just that. In pursuit of the perfect campaign photo, he arranged to have more than 700 million gallons of water released from the Connecticut River dam, thereby allowing him to canoe dDwn the river without running aground. Perhaps the most ironic part

of this saga - coined "floodgate" - is that Gore has a history of releasing water for his own pleasure. In 1996 he arranged to have 96 million gallons of water released from the Colorado River to improve the backdrop of his photo at South Platte River State Park. Gore's hypocrisy includes not only rivers, but forests as well. In 1993, soon after being elected, the vice presidential mansion was outfitted with an oldgrowth Red Wood porch. Gore's political lackeys would rather have you believe that he was busy planting trees - not building a porch from them. ~

Gore's extreme insincerity has spread into one of the Democratic Party's most coveted issues: race. Democrats far and wide have always championed the concept that they are the party representing minority interests. Yet Gore's campaign has proven that he's not willing to take a stand on issues pertinent to African-Americans.

For instance, in the recent debate between Gore and Bradley, he offered no mention to pending legislation aimed at ending racial profiling. When pressured by Bradley, he retorted saying that he didn't want to influence President Clinton's policy. Is this a sign of a candidate who is willing to fight to for equal rights? Clearly not.

Campaign Finance Reform Campaign finance reform has also

been one of the Democratic Party's championed causes. Both Gore and Bradley have indicated that they are willing to fight to reform the way politicians raise campaign money. Gore has asked, what could be worse than big corporations, or worse yet, other countries, buying off candidates? Yet what he doesn't say in the debates is that he's raised millions of dollars in soft money for the Democratic Party. And what about the Lincoln bedroom? Gore acted as if he was almost running the concierge's desk with all his phone calls to John Wong and other questionable campaign donors. Finally, Gore has been able to conveniently cover up his role in the diabolical plot involving Chinese money funneled into the Democratic Party, and hence, his campaIgn. Tobacco What other issues could Gore possibly be wishy-washy on? How about Big Tobacco. For years he has been fighting against the tobacco industry, but he never mentions that he grew up on tobacco farm.

Indeed, in 1998 he told a crowd in his home state of Tennessee, "Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that with my own hands, all of my life, I put it in the plant beds and transferred it. I've hoed it, I've dug in it, I've sprayed it, I've chopped it, I've shredded it, spiked it, put it in the barn and stripped it and sold it." Gore is the epitome

Gays in the Military Finally, in some of his most recent remarks, Gore has proven his pretense of virtue in reference to gays in the military. He indicated that he would require any incoming Joint Chiefs of Staff to allow for gays to be openly integrated into the military.

But upon receiving harsh words from General Colin Powell, he retracted his original statement, and instead said that it would not be a criteria for selecting the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Perhaps this is one of the best examples of Vice President Gore's blatant hypocrisy.

He runs his campaign with the belief that he should appease the greatest number of people, and not take a stand on issues. Now he waffles, he wiggles, and waivers, all with the hopes of getting more votes. One can only hope that Americans, left and right, can see through this of haze of the lies and hypocrisy and realize that he is not the man to be president. When he opened those floodgates, he was releasing more than just a bunch of water. He's also released a torrent oflies and misdeeds that he's attempting to camouflage, but eventually his malevolence will flDod into society and he'll have to answer to a lDt of angry Americans. Water, water, everywhere. ~.

Mass Meeting - February 1, 7pm Third Floor, Michigan Leaguellt

"You've Got Time Warner"

BY MATTHEW FRANCZAK

I

N THE LATEST episode of the mergers that have been characteristic of the online industry, AOL has joined with Time Warner to form AOL Time Warner: "the world's first fully integrated media and communications company," according to an AOL press release. Neither AOL nor Time Warner is a stranger to mergers; AOL had already acquired Netscape and CompuServe, two other prominent Internet names, and Time Warner was synthesized from Time and Warner Brothers at the beginning of the 90s. And while AOI.:s dominance in ,the transaction is not surprising as it may seem now, it was unthinkabie a mere four years ago when T lffie Warner was the one considering buying an Internet Service Provider to expand its media empire. In addition to being the latest demonstration of the already massive and rapidly growing influence of the elec-

tronic economy, this merger brings up many interesting questions abDut the fate of both AOL and Time Warner as well as what may be gained or lost in a merger of the offline and online worlds.

AOL Time Warner will reap twD major advantages frDm this merger. First, TIme Warner has the resDurces in place to provide cable modem and other forms of highspeed Internet access. This is an increasingly important area since web content is growing tDO intensive for mere telephone connections tD handle it. Second, this merger will give AOL Tlffie Warner a presence in almost every conceivable fDrm of media. This will have two major effects.

More DfTime Warner's nDn-Internet content will be added to AOL, including CNN and InStyle magazine. Additionally, this merger will create a massive advertising venue. AOL Time Warner says it has plans f9r "building on the companies current offline cross-promotional activities," such

,- -

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as online expansiDns on Time Warner magazines and additional promotions of AOL within Time Warner's offline media, including even mDre of those seemingly infinite AOL promDtional CDs. Additionally, the Time Warner side of the company will reap the benefits Df AOI.:s online advertising, with online promotions ofTune Warner music and movies planned and special offers for AOL custDmers.

Yet, despite the massive size of the merger and the new services the combined company will provide, the effect Dn the media as a whole may actually be a diminished presence of AOL Tlffie Warner. One of AOI.:s selling points is its internal content, an online microcosm that is available tD AOL users only. AOL already purchases a large amount of this content from Time Warner, such as , the online versions of People, Tun People, and Entertainment weekry. The access to all of Tune Warner's media resources will provide mDre exclu-

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sive material for AOL, redirecting it from other media outlets and reducing the external presence of the company. Although this may seem like a blessing for AOL users, who will now have access to even more internal content, AOI.:s tendency to try to iSDlate users from the World Wide Web will likely be encouraged by this growth of their internal content, causing even sharper distinctions between AOL and the rest of the internet. Additionally, with more and more content being provided by the same SDurce, the internal climate ofAOL is likelyto becDme even mDre contrDlled and stale, cDntrasting even more drastically with the world wide web's plethora of different sources for every possible type of content.

The end result of this phenomenon may be that every individual either lives in a world dominated by AOL Time Warner media cDntent, or in a world in which such content is completely non-existent. ~

;;;:-'''' ' ' ' ' --

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January 26, 2000

o

STOP

Page 11

ME IF

YOU'VE HEARD THIS

ONE

EI Senor's Diabolical Plan

I

MAGINE THIS: A young freshman living in West Quad opens his mail box, only to find a single piece of mail, a letter from the University. In a burst of excitement, he rips it open. He beams as he reads the information contained in the letter. "Wow," he says aloud, ÂŤhere I am, all ready to prepare my first schedule ever at U of M, the schedule that will shape my academic future, as well as the rest of my life.

And 10 and behold, the University is even giving E1 Senor me an Academic Guipe Pee!' Advisor to help me in this ever so crucial process! Let's see who it is." He skims the letter in order to find the name of his new mentor. As he reaches the bottom, the joy on his face is replaced with agony and fear.

Tears begin to roll down his cheeks. He drops to his knees and sobs bitterly. That's right, his Academic Peer Advisor is none other than El Sefior GuIpe! While the above scenario seems far

fetched, it actually came this close to happening (holding fingers close together). You see, it wasn't long ago that I, El Sefior himself, applied for the position of Academic Peer Advisor. Right now you're probably thinking "But Sefior, why would you want to be an APA? I mean, wouldn't that require you to , uh, work or something?"

The answer, of course, is that as an APA, I would be entitled to the very same benefits that the RAs receive. These benefits include, but are not limited to: 1. FREE room and board in one of the dorms. ,2. 18 FREE meals every week.

3. FREE liquor from the Res Staff liquor cabinet that is hidden in every dorm.

So, as you can see, being an APA would be very enticing. Plus, unlike an RA, you wouldn't have to deal with writing up whiny immarure little freshmen who are trying to be cool by playing "Half Sports," such as hall football , hall frisbee, and hall golf. I knew that I would never have the will to handle the RA position, so I made sure to put that second on my application.

I can see it now ... .. .

Me as an RA: "Okay people, my name is El Sefior GuIpe and I'm gonna be your RA this year. That's the hall. Those are your rooms. Your names are on the doors. The

Foiled Again!

bathroom is that way and the girls live down there. Now go, uh, mingle or something. As for me, it would be a pleasure ifI never have to see, hear, or speak to anyone of you ever again!" (walking into my room

and slamming the door) My preference, obviously, was to be an APA. Unlike the RA, the APA doesn't actually have to do things like "work," or "do their job," at least that's what I was told by one APA (although this point was refuted by every other APA I talked to). In order to avoid incrimination, I'll refer to this mysterious APA as "Venus, Goddess of Sensuality." I still remember our conversation about the job. It went something like this.

Me: "So, I've been thinking about applying to be an RA next year."

Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "Aww, you don't wanna do that. Do you realize how hard they have to work? Getting up at 3am to stop drunk people from playing 'Batman' in the hall and all."

Me: (whining) "Yeah, but I want free room and boooooard."

Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "You should be an APA, like me."

Me: "Really?"

Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "Yeah!

We get all the stuff that other Res Staff

members get plus we don't have to deal with that kind of crap."

Me: "How many hours a week do you have to put into it?"

Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "Well, in order to be a good APA you should probably work about twenty hours a week. But I suppose if you were totally apathetic you could work like six."

Me: "Woo hoo!" . Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "Any other questions?"

Me: "Will you go out with me?"

Venus, Goddess of Sensuality: "No." It seemed I had nothing to lose, and with all the BS on my application, I was sure to get the job, right? Wrong! Apparently the administration was smarter than I had anticipated. They rejected me in favor of some guy with leprosy on the grounds that he would pose less of a threat to the srudents. As you can imagine, I was shocked. How could anyone reject a charming, witty, loveable guy like me? You win this time, Administration, but I'll be back! (diabolical laughter and other such

sounds) Think Guipe is just too cool? Is your lifelong dream to go out with him? Send an email and a pic to leners@michiganreview.com

Are you better off now than you were a semester ago?

If not, come to OUf...

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