vol_19_no_15

U-M Law School Legal Malaise By

CHIP ENGLANDER

W

HEN PRESIDENT Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the historic 1964 Civil Rights Act, it included a section that helped further our nation towards the goal of justice and freedom for all, regardless of color. Our nation nobly united behind this act, as it passed in Congress receiving nominal opposition from the Dixiecrats. Since then, our entire country, virtually without exception, has upheld the Civil Rights Act as one of the greatest pieces of legislation ever passed.

This uncommon agreement makes th~ University of ' '1' 'recent _ Michigans lawsuit all the more interesting, since it centers around tpis piece of legislation.

If all agree on its content, why is there a debate?

As students at the U -M know, the school is under fire

for its use of racial preferences in admissions. It is likely the policy will be judged by the Supreme Court. It is an issue that divides the student body and

College of LSA's racial preference policy and the latter involves the Law School's racial preference policy. Grutter v.

Bollinger has been the site of the

"No person in the United States shall on the grounds of race, color, or national origin be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance. '.'

-1964 Civil Rights Act, Title W "The University ofMichigan Law School's use ofrace as a factor in its admissions decisions is unconstitutional and a violation ofTitle W ofthe 1964 Civil Rights Act. " -Us. District CourtJudge Bernard A. Friedman has pitted the U-M against the Center for Individual Rights (CIR).

Specifically, CIR is representing clients in Gratz v.

Bollinger ~d Grutter v. Bollinger.

The former case involves the

most recent stir. because U.S. District Court Judge Bernard A. Friedman recently ruled against the U-M Law School and halted the use of racial preferences at the Law School. The 6th Circuit Court of Appeals in Cincinnati

Unholy War By

RUBEN DURAN

S

EVERAL WEEKS AGO, the lawsuit against the affirmative action policy for the UniverSity of Michigan's Law School was struck down. In a much-publicized and talkedabout "Emergency rally,» the

has suspended this recent decision, however.

Judge Friedman stated, "the practical effect of the law school's policy is indistinguishable from a straight quota system," and ordered the Law School to stop "using applicants' race as a factor" in admissions.

The U-M had argued that the discrimination against Asian and white applicants was justified to ensure diversity, but Friedman found this unconvincing. A look at the Law School's recent admittance make-up seems to account for this. For example, among applicants with grades and LSAT scores similar to Barbara Grutter's, 80% of the minorities were accepted for admission, while only 8% of whites and Asians were admitted. These statistics coincided with the Law School's own admission that the

Reverend Jesse Jackson came to Ann Arbor to lead a protest against the ruling .. While the usual assortment of BAMN activists and other supporters of racial preference were in attendance, also present were several students protesting the rally.

Aside from the "End Affirmative Action," "BAMN does not work for you,» and "Content of Character, Not Color of Skin," a lone man stood with a white poster board sign reading: "Support Affirmative Action!

Do NOT Support Jesse Jackson/The O'Reilly Factor

I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, but your husband is a fornicator.

See The REV on

Page 8

......

See LAW SCHOOL on Page 10

Hash Bash By

JENNIFER LEE

T

HE 30TH ANNUAL Hash Bash kicked off at "high noon" on Saturday with people from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, and all over the country, filling out the Diag in support of the legalization of marijuana. This event dates back to 1970, when John Lennon, Alan Ginsberg, Yoko Ono, and other popular activists came to Crisler Arena for a I bet I can make a really cool bong freedom rally. The rally out of this drum, man. was in support of John Sinclair, a resident of Ann Arbor from the rally decided that on who was sentenced to prison for April 1st of the following year, ten years for the possession of See BASH on Page 8 two "joints.» Several individuals

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April 11 , 2001

SERPENT'S TOOTH

The good Reverend Jesse Jackson made another visit to our school recently, this time to speak out against the Law School's affirmative action deciSion. Man, . between fighting for disenfranchised voters In FL, thugs in IL, and now affirmative action here, the Reverend has been working pretl:)! damn hard . But then again , he does have another mouth to feed .. .

In Ught of Red China's recent seizure of a U.S. Navy surveillance plane and the detainment of the 24 man crew, we at Serpent's suggest that we put it all behind us and give 'them some help with their population problem ... megatons of help.

Til F 'II (' III( ; \ ' Two 14 - year old girls recently sued MTV after they were spr~ed with liqUid feces by a two man group known as the Shower Rangers for a segment on the MTV show "Dude, This Sucks.» Dude, that DOES suck.

The two girls apparently weren't angry at MTV about being sprayed with feces, but were just under the impression that it would be done by the ever so dreamy Carson Daly.

On a personal note, Serpent's believes that it should be compensated by MTV for the audio equivalent of being sprayed with feces when It heard a brief glimpse of "Say What Karaoke. fl

Ted Turner was in negotiations to buy Russia's only independent television station last week. Good idea Ted , because the Russians will love Atlanta Braves baseball and James Bond marathons.

The president of the Flat Earth Society died recently. It seems he took his Pacific sailing expedition too far . to the west.

A women died In a scuffle with a security guard recently when she allegedly shoplifted $200 worth of merchandise from a Detroit Rite-Ald. Tragic, indeed, but we just want to know, how much stuff she must have had stuffed in her jacket to be $200 worth from a Rite-Aid?

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "Look, / MItJhI-d for suppHI"

D.C. Lee Editor-in-Chief The University, In its infinite wisdom, has decided to allow athletes to CRISP before all other students ... so to those who have to take Kinesiology, Communications, and history of the University of Michigan courses, sorry, maybe next year. . Serpent's is interested as to why Jessica Curtin's new, twice weekly column on the bottom of the DaUy's editorial page doesn't have a picture. Furthermore, Viewpoint Is a pretty bland column name.

We're also wondering why the Drug Czar is always a general. If you want to stop trade, doesn't it make more sense to appOint a liberal economist to . the position?

A Fond Farewell to -Those-Who Have COrl1.e- Before Us

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R. Colin Painter

135 Year

Next 25 Years: Senator ,N ext 35 Years: President

Plan Next 3 Years: Law School, Emory or University of IllinOis

At Age 135: Have a massive coronary after three hour romp with 18year old sex kitten Epilogue : "He lived .. .like a man.»

died

as

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Nex t 5 Years: Criminal Lawyer / Prosecutor

ElSefior GUipe's- Plans

Next 15 Years: Congressman

Dave "El Senor" GUipe 'is graduating

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from U of M with a BA in English '1 and Political Science. Upon his f.'" departure from /.

Ann Arbor, the good Senor will attempt to launch a career in EI Senor advertising and! or sitcom Guipe writing and/or fast food service - - - - - - - and/or supply chain management (a hobby).

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR'

As this Issue officially kicks off my tenure as Editor in Chief of the Review, I would first like to extend thanks to former editors Matt Schwartz, who was here when I first signed on to start writing for the Review, and Jim Yeh , our esteemed Chink in the Armor, who recently handed over his position.

As for business, I recently attended a conference hosted by the Institute for Political Journalism, in which both . conservatives , with their campus journals, and liberals, with their daily papers, were present. At the end of the conference , one of the less-than distinguished liberals stood up, and accosted that morning's keynote speaker for participating in and advanCing what the young gentleman called "advocacy ~

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Matthew Franczak Publisher

James Justin Wilson Assoc, Publisher. Managing Editor

Ruben Duran .i1mpus Affairs Editor

JamesY. Yeb Execurive Edilor

R. CoUn Painter Senior Edit NATL Af"FAIRS ED: SSlSTANT EDITOR: RES EDITOR: SATIRE EDITOR: OPYEDITOR: ONLiNE EDITOR: MUS IC EDITOR:

BI'IId Sp~he Gina Fnkrnall Kurt bcImuIchu David Gulpe Tyee Of Boer 8,..nckn Mu.h.1 John Pnu

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journalism." He then pr~ed to gripe about the "racist" papers and students in attendance, All the While, the Review staff and some fine conservatives from Georgetown laughed amongst ourselves at the poor soul from Kent State University, an "accredited" school with a "distinguished" journalism program , who apparently believed that those of us in attendance from the conservative journals were actually interested in what he called "real journalism. » Let's be frank . Let's be honest. We don't attempt to be "objective." We are a campus affairs journal, not a daily newspaper. We look at an iss';le, we take a right-leaning stance on the issue, and we don't make any qualms about it. The

purpose of The Michigan Review is to serve as a base for students here at the University of Michigan who are generally interested tn the issues and stances that. we take. Many of these students read us because they ' are either disenfranchised with the Dally's editorial page, want more in-depth coverage than the other campus papers provide, or need a laugh, That's what the Review is here to provide. That's what I am here to provide as Editor. And that's what you can expect every other week when you pick up the Review. I look forward to serving you, the students of the University of Michigan.

Very Respectfully, D.C. Lee

F..DITORS EMERITI:

l.ft Boddlom 1kf\Jam.1n Kepple

The M rclllpn Ret'.c" IJ tho: IlIIkp:ndo\1. lIudm .....n jI:,.". "'" of """",,,IIi,. and lihc-nan3n CtpIDIOI'I II tho: UnhcnllY 01 Miclu,an. We DtJIher 'IOIial nor IICCq:II rnoncwy dona· \10M from the U- M Corunbulil:m tD the M~III Rei;"" arc WI--declucuf\1c under SccIJan SOl (c)()) 0( \he Inlemal Rcvm~ Code. The Renew Is not .mlLakd With any poIlllCaI pili\)' cw unl>emty pohlleal ,roup.

Ullilpec! rdllllnalJ rcpte>CD1 tho: npinlOll ol tho: tdllanal boMI. Er&o. they are ullClQUlwxally QlITa:I and j~ SiJllCd IRkIo. 1dIcn. and caItDOn. ~ tho: opinions of tho: dIorand not _ I ) , Ihoseoftho: Rel'jew. The Sc>prnt', TOOIh Jhall rqwucnt tho: optnlon of Indlvldual 1I/IOO)'mOIIl c:ontnblnnn 10 tho: RCI_. and IOIulId not ncc:essaril)' be en U n:pracnt.th. of the Review. tdllOnalltllllCC. 1be opinlDm JlR""L'Dkd in this publlcawI! are not lICCI:SSIIIily IhDfc 01 tho: 1d\'CI1iJCR or ol tho: UnJ\e1SIIY of Mldlipn. We ....Icomc leuco.. anic..... and comments abuuI tho: journal Ot. now \hAl I CM be ocrtoln thai aU )-ou people who rode the ilion bu.'D tho: MSA mcctlnp arc n:adJna IIuJ ICCtlon. or are 1_ havlna iI reid 10 )'UU by >DfTIC()nC ...'ho IdUaII IlICAdo:d claucs-lMlcad or ampalplln, (Of l1li .lectIon Ibouc -..1uc:h no one Ii ~ 11110 slul.f-and ..'110 QD M:WaI1y IUd it 10 )'011. I JUS! wamed 10 My IIw th,. iJ • damn tona tcnce.

PIc:asc IIkIrnI all Idvenul. _ douuonJ 10 I'IIbllihef c/o tho:

Love us or hate us, write us.

E·malllettcn@m1ch fKll1lm'lew.CDI71 with subject, "LeIfer to the Editor" Or send maJl to:

The Michigan Review 911 N. UnlversilY Ave. Ann Arbor. M148109

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Cadillac is the Biggest Sh*thole in Michigan, Says Reader I am not sure where to send this email actuaily, but I figure one of you people will know what to do with it .

Furthermore, let me get on with what I need to discuss. I found some "errors" in your paper. First of all, in the article "Queer Vis Week Raises 'O's' Awareness," the eight year old "son" is actually Fred Phelps grandson. In the same article, the bar you mention "Outbar" is spelled "Aut Bar." In the article "Putting Women (Studies) in Their Place," "English 317: How to be Gay" is not" defunct. " The class will be offered again in the Fall · 2001 semester when Professor David Halperin returns to the University from his home in Paris. Furthermore, you guys associate that class with Women's Studies. If anyone of you took the class, as I did, you .would realize that the class has nothing to do with the subjects covered in Women's Studies. English 317 was a literature class - a vel}' tough class at that. So before you guys go making false assumptions, check the facts. Also, I must say that the columns written by R. Colin Painter are by far the biggest sh*t I have read in while. His column in the last issue of The Review was bad enough, but this puts the icing on the cake. While I read his last column, I had a sense of the small city he described as a place where everyone knows each other, works hard and lives a good life.

However, in this column he states he is from Cadillac, MI - "a beautiful resort town .near Traverse City." I was stunned.

Cadillac is the biggest sh*t hole in Michigan, if not America. Who is he trying to kid? Beautiful resort town?

Hardly. Cadillac puts the "trash" in "white trash." Traverse City, which he mentions, is the real "beautiful resort town."

Furthermore, he states that there are no homosexuals in Cadillac. This could be farther from the truth. I used to live in Traverse City during the summers, and I met quite a few homos from Cadillac.

Point being, homosexuals do not have to be "flaming" to be gay. Many of us you could not tell whatsoever. Furthermore, in his last column he discusses small town values or whatever and then continues to criticize larger cities. Listen, no one asked you to come to U of M . In addition, you should be able to "think outside the box."

After all, isn't that what education is for to expunge the implemented ignorance?

I am almost done, so hold your horses. I have been reading your paper since I first came to U of M (I am libertarian, by the way). EveI}' article I read has an underlying political agenda justifying the 'RepubUcan' ideology.

However, The Queer Vis Week article,

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to me, was just like a regular news article.

What are you guys trying to say here?

Obviously there has to be a "hidden message" for putting such an article into your paper. If you guys do not have the balls to say it, then don't bother writing such an article. Damn, If I want the news I would read the Daily. Also, I enjoy reading your articles even if I do not agree with some of them. However, I often feel that you guys will write an article to counteract something without giving it much thought. The University is not all that bad, you have to admit. If you guys took a few minutes to think about a certain subject instead of writing frivolous, unsupported scrawl, I am sure you would all be happier people.

In closing, keep up the good work, but do some more research before you make a claim. Remember: Always look before you leap.

Your fellow classmate, Ross R. Wiltshire

Hey Ross, why don't you make up your mind?

You complain ab,out guys like Mr. Painter speaiWJg his mind and damn him for having a bjt of hometown pride--perhaps ifyou had some of this sense of community. you wouldn't be so quick to judge a town or its people. Are you an open-minded person, or another typical liberal hypocrite?

Furthermore, you complain that we have "an underlying political agenda justifying the 'Republican' ideology, " but then complain that we have an article that has no bias whatsoever! As for Mr. Painter's thoughts, that's what a column is all about. Columns are not the absolute truth; they're whatever the columnist wants them to be. It's your right to disagree with ideas expressed--even when you clearly misunderstand them. Mr. Painter's point was that hometown values ought to be emulated, and that flaming homosexuality is clearly not one of those values; closet homosexuality is another matter entirely, one which you brought up, not him.

As for not being asked to come here, his taxes pay for this PUBLIC institution, and he has the right to try and change it in whatever manner he pleases. You seem to want to allow only people ofspecmcally liberal mindsets to come here; wouldn't more conservatives add to your prized diversity?

Perhaps YOU ought to think "outside the box" by more closely considerJng the value of traditional morals. And yes, we admit we've made a mistake or two in the past in our real articles, but I ask you to point out any news outlet that has reached perfection. ~ are only human.

-Eds

Reader appreciates tax cut explanation Thank you vel}' much! I am one of the "Left, " and I disagree with Bush's tax cut, but as far as explaining how the tax cut should be distributed, I feel this article does it vel}' well. I admittedly voted for Gore, but was very upset with his dishonesty in facts (I.e., pet's and mother's medication) and explaining numbers (I.e., tax distribution). Kudos on an explanation well done!

Mark Eadie

Review discriminates against suicide Rise up and fight!!!!!

Gentlemen I think the insensitivity of your paper toward suicide has gone on long enough. In your article entitled "Gay Day" you said, "Forget that the Christian God is a loving forgiving God , and that everyone, according to the new testament, with the exception of people who commit suicide, are permitted a chance at forgiveness and salvation." Now this is exactly the kind of stereotyping of suicides we must fight.

This is why I've 'formed S. A. P. (Suicides Are People too.) We need to fight the stereotyping of suicides as "depressed," and "mentally imbalanced." Did you know that acting in a suicidal manner could prevent you from getting a job? Let alone the employment rates of actual suicides!

We at SAP hope to show that suicide can happen to normal evel}'day people. Heck, some of the greatest men of all time committed suicides. We believe that suicides are contribUting and valuable members of society. It is merely a lifestyle choice, and it won't be for long, because we have a team of crack scientists working around the clock on the STAG project (Self Termination Anomaly Gene.) With the human genome mapped, we hope to fmd suicides early on in life and help them realize their full, self-destructive potential.

If U of M is so great about diversity, why don't I hear of more suicides in the paper? I think we need to add to our current point system, such as 5 points for counseling prior to admiSSion, or mentioning Poe or Baudlaire in your essay.

It's time society realized. that suicide is a viable option. In order to do this next

semester we'll be offering a section of English 124 cross listed with women's studies: "How to commit sUicide." The class will focus on suicides in literature. discussing types of suicides, the resulting aftermath, the views of the major leftist religions on suicide, and of course minority suicide. We will also practice writing different kinds of final notes. And the Final... well it's a doozy. Well gentlemen, I hope you get the picture.

Ian Malcolm DeSeased PreSident of SAP (Hope you found that enjoyable. I felt inspired. Anyway great last issue. Good news coverage •. supported , opinions and thanks for covering the Monologues. The best yet since you guys started down the primrose way to religious conservativism.

(I miss the Libertarians!) If you want to print the above, feel free, but please don't attach my real name.} ~ sincerely apologize for our insensitivity to suicide. Furthermore, we would also like to apologize for our past stance against murder. ~ realize that murderers are people like everyone else, and we have to respect the rights of murderers as such. Just because they want to take the lives of others doesn't make them bad people.

-Eds ps. Religious conservatism? What happened to just plain conservatism?

As a far ·right-wing conservative, I often peruse many conservative journals on-line.

I am angry that your website is never updated. Your on-line editor should be IMPEACHED immediately. Thank you.

Steve Ricardo U-M Alumnus ~'re very sorry, but you're not alone in your frustration, as we've gotten several similar complaints. Our online department has had a few problems in the last few months, with an access problem that wasn't resolved until late December, which was also when Rabeh graduated, and we've had a few problems with running out of online space. t:# assure you, however, that this problem will be resolved quite soon, Meanwhile, can we interest you in a subscription?

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â&#x20AC;˘ FROM SUITE

April II, 2001

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ONE - EDITORIALS

Hughes not a Martyr, just a Hooligan

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MIDST THE HULLABALOO of the LGBT Kiss -In , Galaxor Nebulon , whose real name is Ryan Hughes , allegedly took it upon himself to attack the anti-Gay protestors present, spray painting their signs with blatant disregard for their first amendment rights. The protestors, with signs reading "M = Fags" and "God Hates Fags, n had every right to protest regardless of how unpopular and hateful their message.

That right is not only guaranteed to them by th e U.S. Constitution , but also by the Code of Student Conduct. What he allegedly did was wrong, and a reprimand is not only justified, but also necessary on a campus where the freedom of speech is so highly valued.

Following the incident, Hughes was removed from the scene by DPS officers who witnessed the entire event, and an infamous "report was filed ." While he was not immediately charged, the university reviewed the case and filed an assault charge against Hughes under the Code of Student Conduct, recently renamed the Statement on Student Rights.

Hughes' case appeared to be openshut, most likely resulting in nothing more than "mediation" and "peer advising, " code words for wrist slapping.

But anti-Code advocates, including the Michigan Daily, BAMN , and the MSA Students' Rights Commission, have a much larger agenda in mind.

For BAMN, violating the First Amendment is nothing new, given their communist agenda, but the other groups involved need to realize the hypocritical nature of their defense of Hughes. Hughes demonstrated no respect for individual rights, yet they have put him at the forefront of the fight for student rights.

Contradiction? Yes. Michael Simon, the Students' Rights Commission Chair and a member of the UM-ACLU , agrees. He admits that the Hughes case is the wrong one to use in deconstructing the code, but yet he, along with the Daily, continue to harp on the Code's dubious and possibly unconstitutional adjudication process.

This is not to say that the Code does not need an overhaul. Dating back to the late-80's students have been demanding a change in the Code process, citing a number of atrocious procedural policies that grossly usurp students' rights. In 1997 and again this year the administration has taken mea~ures to reform the Code, changing its name and resolving some minqr problems, but none have fixed the most blatantly draconian policies. For instahce, the Code does not allow for representation during the formal hearing,

Bomb China Now Or at Least Get Our Men Home

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WENTY-FOUR AMERICAN military personnel are being held against their will. An American military aircraft sits on a foreign airfield, no doubt being gutted for all of its remaining sensitive equipment. Had this been the scenario between the U.S. and some other oppressive and despotic regime, the U .S . would have surely resorted to the military option already, reuniting those 24 servicemen with their families at gunpoint. But since the tin horned dictatorship in this scenario is none other than the People's Republic of China, America cowardly chooses to negotiate with words rather than with force. The PRe's choice to hold American servicemen captive is an affront to American sovereignty and must be dealt with as any other challenge is--with reasonable and discriminate force.

The available facts are clear: the EP3E Aries II was flying in international airspace, not in Red Chinese airspace, performing routine electronic surveillance. Twenty-four servicemen from a non-belligerent country are being held as prisoners. An American aircraft was boarded and searched , despite Ameridiri-objectlons: Any notion -from'

Beijing that a four-engined turboprop could maneuver to strike a single engine supersonic fighter in midair is ludicrous.

That is the equivalent of blaming a bicyclist for cutting off a Porsche. Of course, there is still no evidence to suggest the American plane did anything to incite the accident.

For weeks, American aircrews on similar missions had complained about the "unprofessional" way Red Chinese pilots had been conducting their intercepts. For the Red Chinese to insist in extracting an apology for their wrongdoing is insulting and undiplomatic, if not just simply laughable.

The PRC does not deserve an apology from the United States. They may be angry at America for gathering electronic intelligence, but in iight of Red China's alleged theft of nuclear secrets and manipulation of American democracy, they can hardly complain. Red China's actions against the United States are intolerable and unacceptable . Bush and diplomacy have secured some progress , but the time to take a more authoritative stance is approaching quickly. If China continues to balk at U.S . diplomatic requests, the U .S. should not rule out using force to retrieve our machinery and men.rvR

a right guaranteed in a U .S. court.

Additionally, hearsay evidence is completely admissible. These gross violations of students' rights must be resolved, but using the Hughes case and his violations of individual rights as a tool are inappropriate and only do more harm than good .

This indictment is not to say that the Code is all-bad. The Code of Student Conduct may not be the U.S. Constitution, but it is all that the university has. And while it may have its procedural problems, that does not mean students can flagrantly disregard its existence.

The Hughes issue is case and point.

He allegedly violated a state law in assaulting the protestors, and he could have easily been charged with assault.

Without the Code he would probably be awaiting a trial and facing jail time if found guilty. But this is the aspect of the code that is often overlooked.

More often than not, the Code is a means of leniency. DPS has a dualjurisdiction on campus. They are able to file charges under the Code, state criminal statutes, or both, altho~gh the latter is uncommon given its possible violation of double jeopardy rights. More often than not, students avoid more serious criminal prosecution when charges are filed under

the Code. For example, minor in possession of alcohol (MIP) charges are rectified through a short class and possibly other minor reparations. However, in county court, not only is a student required to attend court, but if found guilty he also faces a fine and a permanent record. This hold true for the Hughes case as well. According to Hughes, the University asked him to mediate with the alleged victim.

Above all , the rule of law on campus must be preserved while the Code is reformed in order to maintain the legitimacy of those actually working with that administration to change it, such as Simon. The University isn't going to listen to BAMN and outright abolish the Code.

With persistent effort and rational dialogue, the Students' Rights Coalition has managed to make a number of important changes over the last decade. Hughes must be held to the same standard as anyone else who shows such disregard for the individual civil rights. He is not a martyr. He is nothing more than a student witha. can of spray paint and a total disrespect for the basic principle of freedom pf individual expression for which our founders risked so much. We too, should hold this value in equal esteem. In this particular case, the Code serves to protect this right, not-to put a damper on it.~

What Have You Been Smoking?

Hash Bash Fails at Accomplishing Goals

O

NCE AGAIN , HASH Bash came and went, bringing to town marijuana legalization speakers and the beginning of the new Personal Responsibility Amendment (PRA) campaign. The Hash Bash tries to be a dual purpose event, attempting to be both a political rally and a pot party.

Unfortunately, it struggles to do a good job at either.

On th~ political front , the Hash Bash's major failing is that it does not present arguments for marijuana legalization in a manner that would appeal to average voters. While there were serious PRA advocates present, the center of the events was the Diag speakers.

While they may have been able to work the crowd of out-of-town stoners, theiT styles have a somewhat lesser appeal to the mainstream. From Marvin Marvin, the leader of the Earth Community Church, who claimed marijuana was "God's holy herb" to John Sinclair, the ' original offender whose excessive sentence for marijuana possession provoked the original protest, and who ended his speech with a crude poem dedicated to smoking weed, to High TImes's cooking columnist, many of the speakers who received the

c heers from attendees would have received an awkward stare at best from your typical Michigan voter.

Furthermore, the crowd itself does nothing to elevate the image of the cause of marijuana legalization . Consisting mostly of out-of-town potheads who have nothing better to do with their Saturday than try to smoke up on the campus of some college they are otherwise unaffiliated with, the demographics of the Hash Bash's attendees puts a rather grungy face on the movement to legalize marijuana.

What makes the Hash Bash's lack of mainstream appeal particularly harmful to legitimate efforts to reverse the state's wrongheaded marijuana poliCies is that it receives by far the largest amount of media coverage of any pro-legalization event in the state and probably even the country. Marijuana advocates need to remember that after getting an initiative on the ballot, all their effort goes to waste if they can't net the necessary majority to make it law. Remember, to your typical voter, popular right-leaning pundit Bill O 'Reilly's support of replacing the criminal penalties for marijuana with large fines is worth more than anything NORML founder Keith Strout could say.~

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For Better or for Worse ...

These were the Musings of a Country Gent

I

T'S A WARM APRIL night, not unlike any other. Picture a silent street in Ann Arbor, not a soul stirring, except a solitary figure trudging doggedly towards the Michigan League.

He mutters under his breath occasionally, words like " pi ' n k 0 bastards!," and "damn Red China all to Hell! " echoing off ivy-covered walls. Tall and well dressed, R. Colin with a slightly rogUish Painter demeanor and a confident air, he seems like a 19th century noble in a land that has all but forgotten his kind.

In fact, such a description is not too far from the truth, for he is the white knight of the modern ' age, an editor for the

Michigan Review.

He is o n a mission tonight; his column is overdue and the layout staff needed it two days ago. "A senior's work is never done ," he mumbles , his soul staggering under the tremendous workload he needs to complete before graduation.

He ought to have doubled up those fIrSt three years, but he took it easy. Now he's paying for it, just when he has the least inclina,tion to do anything about it. If only his professors would just give him a break ... "A bunch of commurtist agitators, every last one of them! Harumph!"

Like a lonely Sam Spade, his tall figure knifes through the gathering mist, kicking trash and old newspapers aside as he passes a campus bus stop. One wraps around his imported English shoes, crafted from the leather of a baby animal (he told the salesclerk he wanted ~clubbed baby seal, if they had it"). He paused to kick the annoying news-rag from his foot- "Damn Dai~y .. . paper sucks anyway, Nick Woomer is flaming pinko if tnere ever was one ... he actually said people ought to be supported by the government even if they refuse to work!" He shook his h ead, checked to make sure his shoes weren't scuffed, and continued on his way.

It had been especially hard to write this column. His last one was criticized by the staff, and rightly so, for it was written at the last minute ... and poorly!

He had to find a way to sum up his beliefs in a single page, and yet still say good-bye to the thronging millions ""ho hung on hi~ every word . He was leaving soon , going on to law school to learn how to c hase ambulances, sue insurance .'l. ' ',..,

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companies, and sell out tn every way yet discovered ... and some that hadn't. The great truth of his life was this: that money couldn't buy happiness, but instead indicated how happy one was. The enjoyment was in the pursuit , and the tearing down of others along the way. In another life he had known Genghis Khan ; they drank heavily after slaughtering innocents, and one especially cold night, after their drinking and whoring, Genghis said, "You know dude, it's not enough simply to succeed ... all my enemies must fail." You see, life's simple pleasures are its best.

The League was a long walk from his frat house, and he was starting to get tired from his brisk pace. "Ail that drinking .. . got to cut back on all the red meat," he thought as he turned a corner. He had spent much of his senior way as any "Wasp" might, drinking his way merrily along with his fraternity brothers , earning his gentleman's C's, and taking his beautiful girlfriend , Amy, out to expensive dinners at downtown restaurants . . "That brazed halibut sure was good, but I better stick with the swordfish ... . heard it's

scout leader-"Good knots scouts!...

Now, does anyone want know what it's like to kiss another boy? He shuddered at the thought.

Jesse Jackson had come to campus a few days before. He went to the rally Just to get a glimpse of the man ... Jackson had recently cheated on his wife, but liberals were hypocrites, so the press barely said anything about it. The campus was divided over the use of race as a factor for admissions-he didn't dare speak out about it on campus, because even though his liberal friends extolled him to be more open-minded , they simply wrote off his strange ideas as ludicrous without listening to them. "Of course the races are equal," they said , "which is why minorities deserve special points for their appli cations. " He responded that emphasizing race rather than emphasizing same ness was destru c tive , but they ignored him-he just wasn't a thoughtful intellectual like them. H e joked once that there were so few conservatives on campuses throughout America, maybe there should be affirmative action for them . After all, wasn't the whole pOint to

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The great truth of his life was this: that money couldn't buy happiness, but instead indicated how happy one was. The enjoyment was in the pursuit, and the tearing down of others along the way. endangered ... stupid Sierra Club and all their Pinko agitators! " He was nearing the League now, and he began to notice words chalked onto the concrete. "Vote ¡MP," they said, but they all blended together in his mind after four years .. ."Queers Walk this Way! ," "Support Affirmative Action ," and "Abortion is Murder" all ran through his mind. "What 's the use of the student governme nt anyway ... they t ake my money and pass resolutions I don't agree with poliCies they can't affect .... if only they could just put Wolverine Access back the way it used to be and shut the hell up .. ." The scotch he'd been drinking was starting to wear off, and as he reached into his pocket he realized he'd forgotten his flask-"D amn it!" As hi s mind .cleared, he started to think about the things he 'd mention ed in his co lumn. H e supported the pro-lifers, but felt there could be exceptions. Gays were fine, but they could keep it to themselves- he'd be .damned if his boy were trained by a homo t-:'"l;

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expose students to a wide r array of viewpoints and ideas? They laughed at him, and told him that was a stupid idea .. . conservative ideas didn't matter, because they were too close-minded ... just listen to your professors , and think like they do.

College teaches you to think for yourself, so repeat what professors tell you to think .. .

They didri't like his abortion views either. and stopped him when he wanted to talk about them-maybe by their guilt?

"Why should a fetus be allowed to mess up my life?

Just because I was irresponsible doesn't mean I should have to follow through with my obligations to my offspring ... of course, I'm damn glad I wasn't aborted, .. . but why does that matter-a baby isn't a person! " He could see their points, but unfortunately, they wouldn't see his. Like many conservatives, he had been brow-beaten into accepting compromise; maybe abortion in certain cases? "Of course not ," they said , "we are right and you aren't-that's why we're .i l',l

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the open-minded ones, because we saw the truth and repeated' someone elses' words to defend it! No compromises, abortions whenever!"

He sighed-his column probably didn't make any good points. He was just happy to be so near his graduation, when he could get away from this close minded campus. He was tired of narrow-minded demagogues ruining his friends by tearing down the wholesome values their parents and communities had fought so hard to instill in them-all in the name of openmindedness and diversity! Change for change's sake is not a good thing, and while the reason some seemingly outdated customs and ideas still ex isted may not be readily transparent, that is no reason to disregard them so lightly. H e sighed again, "they just want to rebel against their parents, and pay no heed to the wisdom learned by so many years of human generations-everything has a reason ."

He was at the League. H e walked upstairs-the building was empty. He walked into the news room, where a pretty young co-ed sat at a computer, laying out a features page. "Hey Gina, where's the Captain?," he said, as he threw his hat on a hook and opened his briefcase. "He's in with the boys- he's ticked about this whole China thing." He walked into the office. made some jokes, and sat down in his favorite chair. This was it, he realized, the end of the road . He thought about another editor who left when he was a sophomore, a real man's man who drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney.

His name was c.]. Carnacchio, an Italian with a taste for gin and blondes. He chuckled as he remembered other names and faces; he'd seen a lot in these four years , and learned a lot too-from his fri e nds on the paper, and from the campus. Mostly, he learned the value of friendship , of hope, and of optimism. He loved this job, but it was all over. He quickly laid out his column; he needed to get home to finish his thesis. He took one last look around the office, and said good-bye to some of the other old-timers; he might see them again , but he might not.

Almost as an afterthought , he typed one last line on the screen before walking out of the office: "I loved being an editor at this paper more than anything-for better or for worse , these were the mUSings of a Country Gent. " H e didn't look back.rvR

Got a complaint against Herr Painter? Well send It now before he graduates and moves out of this modem Gomomh.

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Ten Reasons Why Reparations for Slavery is a Bad Idea - and Racist Too.

By David Horowitz VU Is ():o([

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GROOJ' Rr..sroN.sIa.t: FOR Ttu; CRoo: Or SuVJJIY,

THt RfJ'AkAnOSS CtAI"

WIllie v.. EIIIOpCI1IIS CXIIIdudcd the II'IIIIS-Alllnti: ~ nde, .- \ . and black Atricans ..m responsible rOf tmlaVlns the IIIOeSIon of AIhcaD Amcricam. Theft "'__ 3,000 black sllw-o"'-nm in the 1I1tt-bt11um Ua_ SIIId.. A.~ Iq*'IIions 10 be paid by ,ft cIncmdanIs 100' Thrrc .. on v.t~ .!aves ia CIOIonial ~ Aft Ita dc:oeodcinrs ao/nIlO ~ p'rtIlClII$~

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nlEJlE Is No SINcu: ClOOP TlIAr BIMrnID ExWlSl\'Ill' hoM StAVElY, The claim for ~ is pmnised 011 the Cahc -.npIioA dial only ~ hue balrflk'd &am If stl\-e IIbar his aaIcd weallh lOr AmcncaIs.Ihm obvoasIy iI has CICIIIed ..-eahh b black Ammcaos 11 ..'elL iduclina the de5c:cIIdIIcs of sJ.\ es.. The GNP of bllck America 1IIIIr.a the Afiice.

American camtIIUIIit)' the 10th most pIII!pCI'ClQ:$ '"!IIIiDo~ in the .. arid.. AmEncIn bIa:ks 0tI UI enjoy lie inaJmcs ill the . . . of lYoClllY 10 lifty n.u IhIl ofbla&:b livq io 111)' of \be Atricm !llliota from ...tich thry ..'eft kDlapped. .'a)'.

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To ThRI'I AnlICAN AM£aJcAHS 1/0'0 VICTIMS. IT SENDS A DAMACING M£SSACETo TIn: AfRK"AN-AMEIIICAH COMMUNITY

AND To Omos.

The ~'td _ of ~anct-Which Is .. hit !be claim for rq.nIioIIJ v. ill inmtabIy aeIlOl I cdWnIcIi~ Of htlpM IIInSIF for blxt Icackts 10 iCDCIlO ~Ir eommunic.1e$1IId 10 odIm. To focus IIIc sociaJ pwioas ofArtican Ammcaas oa .. bII fOIIIC oIIIcr Amcnc.ans l1li)' line clone 10 Ihdr anas10n fifty Of • hunclre4-and· lifty )CWS 1&0 Is 10 burclcll diem with • tTipphn, salK ohiaim-bood. How arc IIIc mitllaDs or-.black ~fu&cn from I)~y and ~idc ",110 arc DOW liVllllia Amtrica lOiI\IlO rtm\c.bar claims.. II1CnOVCI'. Uetplll demands for spccaI 1I'tIUIIeIIt_ CXUlYlprlI _ ~ that is 0II1y MCCSSIf)' becIIISir _ blatb teII' l IftIIlIO I~ die Iaddct of OpponUll1ty within ~h of oIbeR. _ y of ..110m 1ft less privilqcd thIo than· IIIh-n'

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REPARATIONS To AnICAN AMaleA1'/: HAVE AUlEADV B([N PAID.

ONLY A MINORItY Of WRITt AMl.IllCAN.S Owrim StAVES, WHJL[ OtHERS GAVE THna LM:s To FIw: TKEM. Only • liny mmority of Amcric:Ins au owned smu. This is INe ~ fOf thoae who In'td in the 1IJIe.be11um ScuIh wIxR DIlly OM ..1\ie ill fi~ "''U • sIndJuIcIc( Why Ihoukl,"" cIcIandara 00A't • cId!t? WhalIIbouI the da&::mdInIs 0( \be 350.000 Union soIdirn • died 10 he the JIa\ d1 They pve Ita lives. \\'lIaI mcn/~ would .. tbcit daccndIrQ 10 pi)' apin1 If peyina I'qWIIioas 011 the of'"' color IS IlOl ICI5m. ...Id J/!

ince lilt l*Q&uCthe CivU Rip"sAClSlnd IhndvMI oflhc Gral Soclel) In I%S. trillions of dollars In IIwIsfCf pI)'IIICII1S lIan bmI made 10 Afric:an·Amcricans ill the bin of .. cllire betIefils lid rxIaI preCermc:a rll eontrICtS. job pIIcaIIeots Iftd C'ducIlioeaIlldntlsslons)_1l111dcf die lIlioaak of redmsina histone ~ ~ II is said lhat I'C'pIfIIioos Ire IICCCSYI)' 10 Ith~ llIIaIina bd1Io'tCII Af'ric:an Amencans and odIcr Americans.. IraiUim-4ol111' mtitutions and ...1IoJe.. sale mvriIin& ofAmcncan law (in onIcf 10 aeconn~ 1Kia! prefamca) IS not enouah 10 ch.l n-e I ;lQlin8.~ .-!tot IJ'1

IV MOb. LMxc AMDuCA/'iS HAY[ No ~ (Dw:cr Ot lNowcr) To Suvmv,

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SI.vuy cciSll:d for thowIndI of)'\'.llS before \be AtbnIic slav~ trIdt. IIId in a1llOCieIlts. Bur The tv.oJIeaI ....... csofAJncricll.l inunlplian lXrIImdafalllOand \ben alIIrr196O. WIllI Jocic ..'OUkI ~ VICIIlIIIlcR boa! people. RussiaD ~ InaIIIa td\aam. ArIIIaIian "iI:Iims of \be in the Ibousand )can of sIa\uy's exnteocc. ~ lieU!' _ IIIlIIlkIr.wy IDO\UIICIIllllllil ...'bite TattHh pn-aioa, JcoI;s, McabnJ Gmts. or Polish. Huupia c.mbodiIn and K_ ~1CIimS of AnaIo-SixOll (bri\tians crtaItd OIIC. If DOl for the II1IklIvuy beliefS II1II millr.y pc!"''CI' of ..tile C~lIIIIIIism, III pi)' I'qWIIioas 10 American bias?

EnaJlshnIen IIId AInerians. IMsII\-c tr1de ",'IIIIId DOC have bmI brovsfII III III _ICDO( for IIIc sacriflCU or v. hile soIIflClS and. _hilt American prmdenI1Io'ho p\'e his lift 10 Pan 1M ~ V ProdamaIion. bIDs in A.-ia woakl stiY be $\aves. Ir DO( fOf !he dedk:aIJon of Americans of all THE 8JsrotucAL PR£a:oons USED To JusmY TIft REPARATIONS ClAIM ttMicitin aDd «lion 10 • lOCicty bucd 011 the printiplc that 1I.1111C11 Ire CRIItd tqIIII. blxb In Do Nor ArPtY, AND no: CWM Inur1s BASED Ole RACE Nor lIuvav.

AIDmca would not t!ljoy IIIc Iuabest sIIIIdInI of~1III ofblacts any...1Iere ill the 1IoUId, IDd ilIIittd oat oflllc blpest SIIOdIJ'ds orliv!na of Illy peopk ill !he WOIId. They ","OIdd not C1joy \be The IIiericaI pm::cdcIII$ FJCRIly invoIIaf 10 juIIify lilt IqWIIbIs claim f t pl)1IICIIl'S 10 b ' &eecIoms II1II die IIIOSI Iborouably ptOleCIOd individual ripts III~. Wbm is !he a-leda· sunivors of!be ~ J........AIIICIir:Ms.s~ victins ofndal ecpeolmeab la _ O(bIack A-a aid its laden for ,1Iost lifts?

TIIIhp. or ntial CJUIrIFS in ROKWOOd and 0kIIb0ma City, Bur ill cxh - . the r«ipima of ~ IIIions Mn Ihe dirc:d victiu or the ISljuIbcc Of tbdr IIImrldiIIc limilies. This wouJd be die OIly CUt X of ~ III peopIe ..tIo were not ImmtdiaIdy a&c.d _ . _ . . qualifJCIIion 10 recdYe . . .

THE RuARATIONS Ct.A1M Is ASUARATlST IO£A IIIions would be nclaI. ~ the m\'a)' era, mMI)' bIadls were he men Of mv~ dlcmtdvn, THAT Sen An.lCAH-AMIJOCANS AGAINST )'I the ~ clalm.Is IIIIU 110 IlkmplIO this rid _ IIlCCUIIL Ir cbis Is not ram.

TIn: NATIOIf TIlAT GAVE TH.t M flllE£DOM. is?

BIadt' .. ae 11m be(lft!he Ml)'Rowet. WIlD is lIIOI\' American 1II1II the detctndantsof African VI sla\u? FOf tilt Afi'ba·AIIIftican _ i t y 10 GoIaIt itsell&am A.-ia is 10 anlln oa • _ Ib:PARAT'IONS AIcmmrT Is BASED Ole TIlE UICSVISTANTlATIJ) whose inpIi:iI.Ioa$ f t uoubIma. Yn!be A&icM-AIMrican CCIIIImullily his hid. ~Jaa tur· CUJM THAT AU.AnICAJ( AM~ Sum:a FIoM TIft F.cotioMJc IIIion YiidllC'pIOIIlsu,lIIlionallsu and die poIiticaIldl.bo ..... A6icaQ.Amcricans 10 lie 110 part CoItsEQuENCD Or SuvtaV AND DlscJuMJJullON, of Ammca's IOtiaI COIIIrICt. Aftian Americas IIIoaId ~ja:I this lC1IIpI.IIioA. FOf all A-xa's fHIl5. AibD AIIIaicIIs ~ .. _ _ s&akt in this COWIII)'.ad its her· No sdmIifIc . . . btl been IIIIIk 10 prIM ibIIl~int IadMUIs iIIrft bem IIMndy .f'iuId • . It is drit IIcritaae thai is IQJIy lllderllllCt by !he tq*1Iioas IIIOVCIIICIL The ItJ*1IloDs claim by. ~ J)wm'" - aided -tr ISO)Utl.." Bur \bert is platlyof erid!mz" .. bwdstIips is oat lIIOI\' _uta 011 America. ~ by !1Ida1 sepnllsu and !he poIilicalleft. It is III IIlICt 0( *YeIY _ Urchbip . . iodi\iduIIs ~ and d i l - . . The bIIeJt IIIiddIe<IIIs ia A-a IlOl caly oa ..1IiIe ~ bur 011 all Ammc- especially A6iCItI ~ is • JIIO'IIII'OUI _ _ IbM II IIOO¥ IIqa in IIIIDI.. tenns tt.n the black IIIIdeIdUI. Ia cxisImce AatcrIca's A6ic:Ift..Amcric ciIlzeIIS Ire tile richest IIIId IIIOSl privilqCld bIadt people Ilh't. • ...... ilia ...... _ i t ~ is the mull of r.ik.res of indiviUI c:bn::ID' Alber . . the bouDIy dill is I diftd I'elUII !be ~ IhII is ~ . . . a8rcrdiicrs ofndal ditaImiIaIIon Of' slin't J)~ thai caRd 10 ada MII_ • c:aJIIII)' The AIIIcrGI idea needs die suppon of its African· . . West 1IIIf_ bDI:b inAmnica Ire aItD de-*d tom.~ bIa Ihcir I\'ft1IIC incomes Ire eqIIi¥- America eiIiuM. Bill AfriCItI AmuiCItIs abo _ the sup. . III tile IYa'IF incomes of 1ItIiIes (II1II -'Y 25% IIi&bcr CIlIa tile - . iIcoaIrs of ~ port ortlle Amcrian idea. FOf it is !be America idea tblllad bona blades). How is is that sIIluy adl'md)' a~ oat"'lJIIIIP oC cIc!CtNIInb the 10 1F ~ipIes ad a'eIItd the io!iiuioas tlIII Nve ICI How CltlIIMlIIIIWI'IIIIe ~ to cIIddc .. _ tbII is 10 Ujel:tive' Artican AJDcricIns--llld all oC_free.

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• WISE ENOUGH TO PLAY THE FOOL

Tool of the Left-wing Conservative arguments fot not-so-conservative proposals

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HERE HAS BEEN much ado made recently about McCainFeingold campaign finance reform, specifically, conservatives chastising the move as one that not only squelches free speech, but that also represents thought on the liberal fringe of Republicanism.

For example, in this day of bipartisanship, the emergence of New Democrats and Compassionate Conservatives has created a fad where it 's acceptable and, Lee' moreover, politically palatable to cross sides of the aisle occasionally. When Clinton signed welfare reform, the Right rejoiced; and when former President Bush raised taxes, the Left rejoiced.

The David Horowitz ad running opposite this page, however, represents the latest in conservative thought: it is short, poignant, and outlines the ten reasons why reparations for the descendants of slaves are both wrong and racist. Figureheads such as Jesse Jackson, who recently visited our campus again, clamor for such compensation to the black community. And these figureheads are right.

However, this is not the only issue on which I disagree with mainstream conservative thought. ' Issues such as gay marriage, marijuana legalization and the death penalty all exemplify how someone, such as myself, a self-proclaimed conservative, can argue conservatively for issues that typically have not been adopted by the Right.

D.C.

Why Reparations for the Descendants of Slaves are a Good Idea

that America owes anything to blacks.

Furthermore, an extension of the first benefit (apart from the obvious benefit to blackS), racial demagoguery will become a vestige of the past. Similarly, any claims of "white oppression" will fall on deaf ears, and hate crimes legislation will no longer exist as a one way street-that is, only a crime that can be committed by whites against "oppressed" blacks.

More importantly, and extending the argument into the social and economic realm, affirmative action programs in which race plays an intricate role would no longer exist.

The benefits of eliminating these programs 'would make the costs of reparations pale in comparison, equal opportunity would exist in colleges and legal contracts for the first time in decades, and judges would be loathe to use diversity as a "compelling state interest." Even the U.S. government would be forced to recognize that the need for many of the current racial awareness an'!i other racial/social program are superfluous. After all, parity will have been achieved and racial harmony will have reached its peak in American civilization.

Economically', the short term , one time cost of reparations would also pale in comparison to the 10llg run, continual payments that the government currently provides in maintaining these racial and social programs. , Moreover, SOCiety as a whole would gain. given that these programs create a social loss, and that the elimination of these programs would increase social welfare-arguably in the ballpark of millions of dollars in GDP. Thus, the liberals are correct, reparations should 'be paid;but\ they are correct for the wrong ~asons.

Conservatives should not embrace the rhetoric of luminaries such as HoroWitz.

Reparations should be pald and done so for conservative reasons.

Why Gay Marriages Should be

Legalized Assuming that this proposal can ,be reasonably achieved, there is no reason why conservatives should riot promote it, regardless of the cost. One million dollars per descendant, fine. Think about the benefits such a poUcy would initiate-the positive externalities, to blacks, whites and others alike, are almost too many to define.

First, America's "debt to blacks" will be settled. That's right, the NAACP and

To many Christian conservatives, gay marriages represent the bottom of the moral barrel, the most un~Godly act, the most heinous crime against SOCiety. But all moral and v<l:lue judgments aside, there is no legal reason sound enough that ought to prohibit gay marriages . Even the reUgious argument holds little water when scrutinized on aratlonal level-and using

After all, isn't the Christian God an all encompassing, all forgiving God? Homosexuality might very well be a sin, but aren't we all sinners. And can't all sins be forgiven?

Moreover, the separation of church and state already prohibits moral and religiOUS arguments to be made in defense or support of this issue. Quite simply, this is an issue ofthe law; and if two people want to engage in a mutual contract, under the law, then what exactly is the problem? This is American isn't it? The home of the free and the brave. In fact, to prohibit the mutual exchange between two individuals is to undermine the principles of the free-market economy.

Two individuals will only enter into a written, contractual agreement if the agreement is mutually beneficial.

Thus, again, the liberals are correct, but again, for the wrong reasons. This is not an issue of "tolerance" and "hate." It is merely an issue of individual liberty and the right to engage in a mutually beneficial agreement.

marijuana while driving, etc.), and the judicial systems becomes more strict with criminals.

And this is not to mention that marijuana is a less harmful drug, both individually and socially, than alcohol and nicotine. Marijuana is a product generally used in moderation; it's not like smoking Cigarettes, where a person can smoke two packs a day. Besides, if anyone supports alcohol and cigarettes in moderation, how can one not support marijuana in ' moderation as well?

The argument made here is essentially the same as those made above.

It's an argument based on the free-market principles of economics and individual liberty. To take these away from the public is to do a great disservice to the public.

Why the Death Penalty Ought to Abolished. Now

Capital punishment is government sanctioned murder. Period. I find it hard to believe that the same conservatives who argue adamantly to defend the rights of the unborn are the same conservatives who believe that we, as a government, have the right to take the life of another human being. Liberals will typically argue this issue by raising other issues such as racial profiling, racist juries , and racial improportionality on death row.

However, none of these issue are fundamentally essential to the premise of the issue: whether it is correct and just to take the life of another human being.

An eye for an eye. a tooth for a tooth, these conservative say. Would these conservatives also advocate for the descendants of slaves to forcibly and unfairly enslave whites for no particular reason other than to tend their farms? Of course not.

The bottom line is that murder is unacceptable; therefore, capital punishment is unacceptable. This may not be the liberal line, but it's the right line nevertheless. The death penalty ought to be abolished, and it ought to be abolished now.:t>.R

Why Marijuana is Less Damaging than Legal Drugs This is a much more libertarian argument, since liberals really have no sound ideological stance on the issue , but it's alSo true that conservatives have no sound ideological stance on the Issue either. Most conservatives oppose the legalization of marijuana on moral grounds. but that ignores the economic and rational reasons. The demand for pot is high and if the government were to increase the supply, it could only lower the price and eliminate the underground markets (and negative effects associated with them).

Furthermore. the government could also tax the product, thereby increasing its revenue from the tax while simultaneously increasing its revenue from cutting out a portion of the "war on drugs. " Similar arguments could also be made for more pernicious drugs such as cocaine and heroin, and some would argue that these drugs represent problems that solve themselves. The real problem arises when considering the enforcement of laws dealing with people who use these drugs while driving and while at work, for example. However, this problem could be easily avoided when the police force actually cracks down on those breaking

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The REV Continued from Page 1 wants HIM. " This involves the Reverend 's non-profit organization , Rainbow-PUSH , and his alleged misuse of the tax -free income that the organization receives. This is not the first time that the light of wrongdoing has fallen upon the Reverend.

Consistently opposed by the Right, jackson has fallen into disfavor with moderates and Leftists as well. jackson has a long history of contradiction and corruption in his actions (and cases of inaction), and this is but one instance in a long line of contradictions and hypocrisies. A ready example would be the illegitimate child that was the result of his who-knows-how-many-years-with affair with a Rainbow-PUSH employee.

While many in the Left dismiss this (as they did with former President Clinton) as simply "human nature ," and that it does not impact his message , all of the Right and a great number of moderates

BASH Continued from Page 1

they would converge on campus for a national "smoke-in." This event became nationally known as "Hash Bash, " which brings thousands of people back to Ann Arbor each year in celeb ration of marijuana .

This year, Master of Ceremonies Adam Brook led the main event of Hash Bash in the Diag for one ho ur, which consisted of many speakers. One of the first orators was Mr. Marvin Marvin, the leader of the Earth Community Church, which believes that marijuana is "God's holy herb." G etting the crowd riled up, Marvin said, "Our sacrament is smoking marijuana, and the devil is trying to take it away from us. So on high noon Sunday, smoke your sacrament. Free the weed."

M arvin also went. on to mention that m edical marijuana is legal in Canada , so it should be legal here, and that George W. Bush has not selected a drug czar, and therefore he is on "our side. " Other speakers included Steve Wishneair, Senior Editor of High Times, Chef Ra , and Keith Strout, a marijuana reformer and founder of Nation Organization for the R e form of M arijuana Law s (NORML). Strout received the crowd 's attention when he confidently shouted the three reasons why m arijuana should be legalized . "First, not le galizing mal~ljuana wa stes law enforcement's resources and time. Second, it puts the government in our personal lives, and above all else, we are .e ntitled to

seriously disagree. Unlike the position of Commander-in-Chief, an esteemed "Man of the Cloth" (and any relatively reasonable person) is ex pected to maintain a certain degree of moral correctness . Adultery should not be considered acceptable in any form (be it by RepUblicans, Democrats or the baker down the street) . A Significant political and religious leader, who many people respect and emulate, should certainly be no exception. This matter is not one of political mudslinging, but one of integrity; Jackson's affair was going on at the time he was counseling then-President Clinton on his infidelity.

The spiral continues.

Jackson has a reputation for standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves , for being the champion of "the little man" or the people who cannot defend themselves. And to most, he does indeed protect those who are the victims of racially-motivated crime. Wherever a black man is struck by a white man , jackson is quick to rush to the victim's side, screaming racism, and demanding racial compensation . However, when the opposite occurs (as many times it has) , and a white person is the victim of violence

by a black man, no one stands to advocate for him. In fact, it often goes unnoticed.

The Reverend has even been petitioned to represent white victims of alleged hate crimes, and he has flatly ref~sed . His stance has been strengthened with the recent hate-crimes bill that has been passed, stating that hate-crimes cannot be committed upon whites. This expression of intolerance is typical of the far-Left, anti-white mentality so common in the "public liberal."

The hypocrisy and hate spread by the Reverend jackson is a poison to all progress towards peace between the races.

With faux progressives barring the way to racial cooperation, and the fall of the "racial divide ," the seeds of hate and resentment will always be sown between the two. The most recent stoking of the fire was his declaration on the steps of the Diag for a National Day of Action and a rally in Washington, D.C. This will serve to only flare tempers that are already heated from the "disenfranchisement" of minorities due to the "stolen" election results.

In jackson's defense, he remained wary, as the menagerie of BAMN activists

paraded before him and hollered into the microphone. Casting a wary eye upon those even more radical than himself, jackson seemed to cringe noticeably as a "Burger King Kid 's Club" of politically correct children was assembled behind him, seemingly for the benefit of the television cameras. This wide range of diversity of race and sex (but not political thought), supposedly prese nted the plethora of support that the opposition of the trials, all to make the Reverend look more "presentable" to the pUblic.

Jesse jackson has brought years of shame and disgrace to progressive causes and the relations between the races. His harping on "racism" and perpetuation of stereotypes and cross-cultural hate have fueled the fires of dissent in this nation.

For being such a strong advocate of the great Dr. King, the epitome of civil rights activism, and greatest icon of peace since Ghandi, the self-proclaimed "Reverend" does nothing but foster resentment and hate, which is truly not the work of the Christian God. J\.R

So long Revered Jackson, but thanks for all the press.

I

Sinclair exited the stage. our privacy. Third , arresting people for There were many other events possession of marijuana is destroying the besides the speakers, including different lives of upstanding citizens with families kinds of bands all over the campus, and respectable jobs. Not all pot smokers numerous stands selling t-shirts and are criminals , " stated Strout, who marijuana paraphernalia, hacky sack represents the interest of responSible games over any grassy knoll available, and marijuana smokers. The crowd cheered a large number of Hash Bash inspired in response . parties on Sa turday night. People Near the end of the event, Brook announced the keynote sp eaker, john Sinclair, whose arrest in 1970 is the r eason for H ash Bash.

Sinclair rece ived a welcome of applause and c heers as h e took the podium.

Hi s speech started with memories about changing the m arijuana laws from 1970 to 1971. At that time, marijuana was considered a narcotic and the minimum jail sentence for possession was 1 0 years.

Sinclair and other activists rallied against these laws and finally got them changed by 1971. In fact, there was no law on marijuana from March 9th to April 1st, 1971 , a time during whi c h Sinclair "took advantage." Sinclair finished his speech with a d edi ca t ed to p oe m smoking weed , called "It's All Good. " The poem was filled with crude and crass remarks, which the crowd loved anq the ir cheers Look. a GREEN Canadian f1agl eChoed around the DiagaS

crammed State Street after the main event, walking around , buying mementos, and getting food to take an edge off the "munchies." The atmosphere of Hash Bash was generally fun loving and laid back, yet there was a serious dimension to the day, as the drive to gain the 302 ,711 necessary Signatures statewide to put the Personal Responsibility Amendment (PRA) on the next ballot for the referendum vote commenced. G regory Schmid , author at PRA Michigan , said "Michigan Sate law mandates that for an initiative to end up on ballot, p etitioners mu st receive 302,711 signatures in 180 days." This will allow voters to determine directly whether or not marijuana should be illegal for personal use. At the main event , hundreds of volunteers we re trying desperately to gain Signatures in order to attain their goal .

Another serious matter of the day was the law enforcement scattered throughou t the Diag.

University spokeswoman Julie Peterson said, "The University does not approve of Hash Bash.

We are in support of free speech and expression so we will not shut the event down- but we will be enforcing the law. " In past years, the event has been notorious for people sm oking in the Diag. The penalty in Ann Arbor for marijuana is a civil infraction and a $25 fine, but on campus, which is st a t e property, marijuana possession is a misdemeanor with up to a $2 ,000 fine . The police were widespread and serious during the event, and even when the entire crowd sat down , which was supposed to prevent the police from coming in so everyone could smoke, the police intervened anyway. Despite this, 1l'tany.of the people-in the:crowd even< went up to police to conv erse with them.J\.R

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Students Protest Public Radio B y TI M M AlJl.L

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OUNG AMERICANS FOR Freedom (y AF) and the Collegl LIbertarians protested National Public Radio's undemocrallc opposition to low-power community radio. With help from the Student Greens, protesters shouted slogans, held signs, and passed out nyers (0 people eOleri.ng the Rackham building LO listen to Juan William's National Public Radio (NPR) broadcast of "Talk of the Nation. - Protesters were Interviewed by the Michigan Daily and Michigan RadiO. The thirty-minute protest was a success in educating people on this Issue and geeUng an endorsement of the Michigan DaUy editorial board.

What ls low-power community radio?

Low-power FM (LPFM) radio Is different from regular FM stations by having a smaller broadcast range. being less expensive to the operators. and being accessible to more groups. Most FM stations cover an entire urban area, costs

at least one mUllon dollars. and can only be afforded by for-profit companies or wealthy individuals. On the other hand.

LPFM has a range of less than four miles. costs less than $5000 for equipment, a.nd an be afforded by churches, civiC and educaUonal groups, Minority and ethnic groups want access to LPFM that want to broadcast Information related to their community and to provide bLllngual broadcasts. With easy technical and financial access to the airwaves through LPFM. minority voices. conservative Christian churches. and pollUcaJ groups can get their viewpoints heard.

With the threat of LPFM community radio competition luring NPR's listeners away. NPR Joined with the National Associarlon of Broadcasters (NAB) to lobby Congress to create significant barriers to get LPFM licenses from the Federal Communications Commlsslon (FCC). Michigan YAF Chairman Dustin Lee explained NPR's machinations and the protest's justness. "NPR Is trying to

keep average clti2ens from having access to the same radio waves that NPR dominates. NPR Is using the pUblic's money and their political innuence to monopolize the airwaves. We're here to show NPR that we don't support their strong armed tactics.· Unfortunately.

NPR and NAB succeeded with the passage of bill that made It much more difficult to get an FCC LIcense for LPFM. Can National Public Radio be truly called "public· when It lobbies against other smaller public radiO? Kevin Johnson, a member of the Student Greens helping with the protest does not believe It can, "The public airwaves have hIstorically been publicly owned and NPR ls trying to deny that fact. NPR Is tryIng to deny average citizens access to the aIrwaves.'

Johnson continued. "Everyone can agree. conservative, libertarIan. liberal that It' unfair for average citizens to be kept off the airwaves by NPR's politiCa l cloul.

Somebody has to speak up for the IItU guy who doesn't have the money or access

[hat NPR has.

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outrageous what th

are doing, We are about Public Interests over Special rnteres~: Seeing how the pccial Interests of NPR and NAB k1l1ed LPFM last year. Senator John McCain recently Introduced a bill champion In low-power FM, Low Power Radio Act of 2001. S. 404. If this bill becomes law, It would do away with many of the barriers blocking Americans' access to the airwaves.

A coalition of people from across the polltJcal speclrum came together to fight NPR's hypocrISy. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Injustice anywhere ls a threat to justice everywhere,- In the communl.t y of Ann Arbor. people fighting for Justice here united to fight NPR's campaign for InjUStice across the natlon. ~

Defending the Unborn, Liberal Style

By MICHAEL V EF.5£R

M

ARY MEEHAN. A selfdescribed "liberal and pea movement activist. - spoke In the Michigan Unlon's Keunl.el Room on ·Why Liberals Should Unborn.· Meehan's appearance was sponsored by the U-M Students for Life. and about forty persons attended. In response to a query from Meehan. about a third of the crowd lndlcated that they were UberaL. Meehan gave three reasons why sh believes Uberals overwhelmingly support bortlon. First. many feminists feel they 'a nnot fully participate In society without complete control over chlldbearlngIncluding the option of abortion. Second. the appearance of cheap. fairly effective birth control In the 20th century Implied that one could completely separate sexual pleasure from reproducUon. However.

Meehan argues that thIS Is not true. since birth comrol must wmetimes fall. And when It does fall. the pregnancy seems unfair, and abornon Is seen as a necessary backstop for birth control.

ThIrd, libera ls-often wIthout reallz1ng it-have Inherited from the early 20th century an Intellectual tradition favorable to eugeniCS. This often com under the rubric of population control.

Early 20th century eugenics supporters said -People of color are Inferior, lets uppress their birthrate. - Abortion

•

proponents of the lale 20th century made-often unconsciously-what amounted to the same argument. but In reverse: "Its unfair that rich women can afford to travel to have abortions: If bortlon were legal then poor women would have the same opportunity.· Meehan added that those supporters of abortion who might wlsh to openly oppose abortion face two major emotional hurdles. First, they know that many women have had abortions. and the -I'm personally opposed, but pro-choice formula- avoids offending one's acquaintances. Second. conservaUves are demonized by Uberals. just as liberals are by conservatives. The thinking goes: (f conservaUves are wrong about everything. how can they be right about abortion?

Meehan's response: the law of averages means that conservatives have to be right about some things.

Meehan went on to Ilst and elaborate on ten reasons why liberals should oppose abortion. The list revealed a thorough understanding of why liberals support abortion. First, said Meehan, It Is out of character for liberals not to defend th weak. It ls the unborn who are defenseless here, and the women who are aU-powerful: the power of I1fe and death Is completely In her hands.

Feminists are well aware of the Ilberal tradition of defending the weak.

AccorctJngly. they shift attention away from the unborn victim to the difficulties of

women with unplanned pregnanCies In order to ma.ke It seem that the women are the ones Ln need of protection.

Second. Meehan believes that liberals should question their "excessive reverence - for the American courls.

Although the COurts have protected mInOrities from majortlartan oppression. they have also been Instruments of oppression them~elves. She cited the Dred Scott decision which declared that .Iaves were not persons with standing to sue under the constitution. Plessy v.

Ferguson which found grossly unequal accommodations for blacks constitutionally permlssJble. and Buck v.

Beu which permlued forced sterilization.

Roe v. Wade Is In the same class. says Meehan.

Third. liberals should oppose abortion slnce It ls an attempt to evade the obligations to another: of women to their chUd, and of men to both the mother and the chUd. Fourth, liberals wrongly see abortion as only a religious Issue. It Is not. and moreover. people have opposed Injustices In the past. such as slavery, for reasons that were partly religious. Why then ls It wrong to oppose abortion for reUglous reasons?

Fifth. Uberals should see abortion as a cIvil rights Issue. A vastly disproportionate number of abortions are of African-AmerIcan babies-as many as 500.000 a year In the years since 1973 when abortion was I~ nationally by

Roe v. Wade. Sixth, abortion harms women both physically and emotionaUy. Seventh. aborllon docs not help to onserve resources and save the nvlronment. As we have less children, we become more materiallsUc- lIvlng In huge houses surrounded by ever more possessloru.

IghLh. liberals should see abortion as a particularly unjust form of war. It kills only defenseless Civilians. Ninth, abortion Is bad for children. Thos hlldren who know that Siblings were aborted often have fcellngs of guilt. wondering why they deserved to be spared.

Tenth. and finaJJy, the -I'm personally opposed. but ... • argument doesn't cUl It. One cannot have a complete Ufe If one "compartmentalizes In this way." If something ls grIevously unjust. then on should oppose It completely.

Meehan adds lhal government cannot be neutral on this ILfe and death Issue.

Either It protects cliniCS with police. as now, or It shuts them down. Government can't hope that opposition lO abcrtJon will just fade away. In short. Meehan argues that liberals should oppose abortion not ust to save children. but to save their soul. That Is. If liberals want to claim a morally privileged position as the protectors of the weak. they must oppose abortlon. ~

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Law School Continued from Page 1 preferences were designed to reach a ~critical mass" of black, Hispanic, and Native American students.

Judge Friedman rejected the U-M's policy that a ~critical mass" of non-Asianminority students is necessary for diversity. One attorney, Kirk Kolbo stated, ~the decision vindicates the most fundamental principle upon which this country Is based - that race Is an irrelevant and Immoral basis on which to make decisions. " This case is of national Importance because universities across the country base their racial preference policies on 'similar arguments.

Judge Friedman continued and firmly rejected a claim by a group of U-M student Intervenors that the Law School's admissions preferences are Justified as a remedy for social discrimination against minorities. He joined Judge Duggan (who recently ruled in the U-M's LSA case in December) and agreed that there Is no evidence of past or present cliscrimination at the University of Michigan to justify racial preferences at the U-M .

This decision has left the U -M administration undaunted, as they continue to strive to defend their use of racial preferences; however, the student body Is more divided. On one side there are the outspoken supporters of racial

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preferences. Student Intervenors and members of the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary (BAMN) called Judge Friedman a "segregationist, Jim Crow judge. " Agnes Aleobua added, "students on this campus are outraged by this decision."

However, this statement appears to overstep its bounds. A Michigan Daily poll a few years ago found that 51 % of all students opposed racial preferences .

as myself out. U-M cannot argue that preferences are justified for diversity without conceding that the color of your skin makes you Inherently different. UM's attitude towards minorities is incredibly condescending. " The division between students over this Issu~ Is clearly deep.

Many students have complained about the administration's continued onesided ness on this Issue. While students

While students see two points of view to the issue, not only does the administration present infonnation on only one side, but they also consistently and systematicallY deny differing students an opportunity to be heard.

Students have also Increasingly demonstrated their disapproval of the UM's racial preferences.

LSA Freshman Adam Dancy has often protested BAMN's rallies stating that he believes "the color of one's skin should never be used by anyone to make a decision . Ever."

Current PreSident of the U-M's antipreference student group, Voice, Chuck Wang added "students do not thii1k that the color of your skin makes you Inherently different. U-M cannot argue that preferences are justified because of past discrimination and leave Asians such

see two points of view to the Issue, not only does the administration present Information on only one side, but they also consistently and systematically deny differing students an opportunity to be heard.

For example, at a recent meeting held

by President Lee Bollinger with twenty students concerning the U-M's preferences no student leaders in opposition to racial preferences were included, be they executive board members of College RepUblicans, The Michigan Review, Young Americans for Freedom, or Voice.

None of them were asked to come and

German Pop Star Shoots for American Audiences, Likely to Miss

S

UCCESSES SUCH AS Gloria Estefan, Ricky Martin, Selena and other Latin artists have proven that pop crossovers are possible .

With Brltney Spears proclaiming herself the next Madonna and pop mania at an all-time high, it's not surprising that record companies are using every angle to drill all of the money they can out of this musical oil rig before it runs dry. One young, 28-year-old lad from Germany wants in on some TRL action as well, but he might be a little short in some musical areas to get any.

Sasha Alex ander has a Europe MTV award, has had his music featured on Dawson's Creek episodes and according to

his label, Reprise, the songwriter "has burned up airwaves across Europe with his soulful ballads, funky pop tunes and compelling vocal skills. " Sasha is now beyond Europe, waiting for his "Dedicated To ... " debut album to e n c han t American audiences.

Alexander claims that recording his new CD reqUired so much time and effort and compares the experience to "giving birth."

Breakthrough love lyrics like "I need you close to me, can't stop thinking about you baby" from the song Another Minute are sure to keep the ladles running back for more .

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The albums tracks fail to deliver any kind of pop experience and start to fall into some kind of cheese ball sound. If the 80's-synth loops on "Love Is All Around" don't tum off American listeners, the smooth-operator/elevator music atmosphere of Sasha's other tracks certainly will. The German artist claims his Influences were Nirvana and Red Hot Chili Peppers growing up, but Dedicated To ... borrows far more from Richard Marx than Kurt Cobaln. Songs like "Owner of My Heart" remind you of the torture of holding a phone under your neck waiting for hours on hold for technical support.

A good strategy for Sasha might be to direct his love song crafting energy back to his homeland and to keep his passport out of U.S. soil until he acquires some talent. If Sasha.is lucky, he might crossover his tracks into grocery store heavy rotation , and please, Sasha, don't "give birth" to any more American

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share their ideas with Bollinger about this issue.

"The heavy-handedness with which Bollinger treats this issue is Incredible. For a first amendment scholar he is rather close-minded. He never even gives the other side an opportunity to share their point of view. It's censorship at Its worst," stated Executive Direcfor of Michigan Young Americans for Freedom Doug Tietz. "I respect that there are two sides to this Issue, but I do not respect the way Bollinger has worked to keep one point of view out of the debate. " Clearly, this decision has sparked emotions and rhetoric from both sides and there Is no simple way to deal with the controversy. The administration continues its zealot-like fight to defend color In admissions while keeping out the opposing viewpoints. However, as the case has worked its way through the courts, the U -M has reached its first setback.

For now, the Law School remains unaffected due to the 6th District's ruling, but the future of race in admissions remains unresolved. There will be another ruling, another appeal and It will surprise no one If this case is decided before the highest court In the land.

Students can only hope that the courts will give the administration a fairer hearing than they have given their

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Page

111

Guipe's Last Stand

I

T'S A WARM, sunny, April afternoon.

School is almost out for the year, and U-M students are getting ready to bolt from the town of Ann Arbor and ~ spend the nex t few months laying on the beaches of southern Florida ~~·..1 . ~ '. .', ~4 !'t.with a martini in • \. '. t,' -4 one hand and a ~ ~ keg in the other. ~Joe Student dashes into the lounge of EI Senor his trendy frat, Guipe armed with his copy of the latest _ _ _ _ _ _ __

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Michigan Review, hot off the presses. All of his frat brothers gather around as Joe anxiously fUps to the back page so that they all may be enlightened by that mentor of mentors , the one and only El Senor Guipe. But their momentary joy is replaced with denial, anger, fear, and finally, acceptance: That's right, Ar.n Arbor, El Senor Guipe is graduating!

Right now you're probably too shocked to think or say anything. I mean, for the average student at U -M, the weekly column of The Good Senor has been a staple of his or her social and intellectual growth for the past three years. From tips and tricks guaranteed to get you laid to advice on what NOT to eat at those shady Chinese buffets, the Gweepster has taught you anything and everything you've ever needed to know to survive college life. But alas, all good things must come to an end, even the, uh, goodest thing of all, El Senor GUipe. And so, with my final address to the student populace here at U-M, at least until my plot to subjugate the world to myself comes to fruition, I would like to spend the rest of my column providing you, my loyal readers , w'i th some final words of wisdom regarding life at U-M. These five simple rules are guaranteed to assist you in making the right decisions as you continue your trek through college, as well as\ through life in general. Heed these words, friends, for they are the product of four years of lessons learned the hard way.

Gulpe's Five Commandments Commandment #1: Classes are irrelevant.

Do you spend more than 50 hours a week doing homework?

Are you constantly breaking your back to read 400 pages a night for your 18 credit hours of classes you foolishly enrolled into, all the while wondering why you didn't listen to ; ' ,/ " ,

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your mother's advice and just go into waste management like the rest of the family? Well, I have one word for you: waste of time! Unless you plan on becoming an academic (meaning you spend about eighty years in school and probably never make any substantial amount of money), actually learning the things you're supposed to know is actually quite. pointless. I mean, it's one thing If you're interested in a topic, or if the career field into which you are heading requires you to develop certain skills, but for most of us, the knowledge we acquire in "Intro to Coral Reefs and Other Such Things" will never, ever be of any benefit. It will simply take up more room in your already stuffed brain and prevent you from spending time doing useful. practical

in the "real world" will tell you, life sucks once you're out of college. Things that many students think will matter in the long run often do not. For example, some students spend the entirety of their college careers taking on challenging part time jobs, while others sit behind the desk at the grad library, running a book through that weird scanning thing every five minutes or so. The former student may work ten to fifteen hours per week, and then spend numerous sleepless nights finishing second-rate homework assignments for one of his or her classes.

Not only does this student lack any time at all to "get down" at the local bars, he or she also sees a severe drop in school related performance. The latter student, on the other hand, make almost the same

If I've said it once, I'll say it again, life sucks. You go to school, start a career, work for forty or fifty years, share money with a spouse who will cheat on you twice a year (on average), raise 2.5 ungrateful children, and finally, after it's all said and done, you get your reward: you ·die. things, like.binge drinking and having sex .

Moreover, if you're not plannlng on going to grad school, {and this, folks, is academia's best kept secret}, your GPA will probably never matter! If your goal is to graduate from school and then go into, say, journalism or public education, a 2.3 will more than suffice.

Commandment #2: Have fun while you still can.

One of the things that ambitious people such as myself tend to do is enter college with the view that our performance here is going to be closely scrutinized by future employers and graduate admissions officers for decades to come, so we'd better work, work, work and refrain from having fun. Once again, this is only partially true . While it certainly won't be beneficial for an aspiring law student to blow off his or her classes, it also won't be the end of the world if he or she isn't President of the Law Club (note to self: Find out if there really is a Law Club before issue goes to print). In other words, once you develop your goals, your best bet is to figure out what the minimal requirements are to achieve these goals , all while spending the rest of the time having fun because, as your pals

amount of money for ten to fifteen hours of sitting behind a desk doing homework, thus killing two birds with one stone and having plenty of time for the important things in life.

in Europe before issue goes to print))!

Engage in acts of public vandalism and/ or substance abuse and/or nUdity! And most importantly, live nex t door to the "most reputable" sorority house on campus!

Commandment #4: Don't become cynical.

For many college students, the thought of going out into the real world can be really depressing. Despite the fact that lying television has taught us that we will all be rich, famous, and powerful, most of us will soon discover that this is not the case. With expectations such as the infamous "eight-hour work day" and the concept of "personal responsibility" being forced down our throats, thinklng about one's future can really make a person pretty cynical. If I've said it once, I'll say it again, life sucks. You go to school, start a career, work for forty or fifty years, share money with a spouse who will cheat on you twice a year (on average), raise 2.5 ungrateful children, and finally, after it's all said and done, you get your reward: you die.

The trick is to continue to look at life in a positive manner. The keg is not half empty, but half full! You're not thirty years away from becoming impotent, you've got thirty years of good, healthy sex left in you! Besides, thirty years from now, you'll be so rich YOU'll be able to buy potency.

Commandment #5: When all else fails, go out for some cheese fries.

Commandment #3: Try new things.

I can't stress this one enough, people.

College is a time to try new things. It's possibly the only period in your life when you won't have other responsibilities stopping you from experienCing life to its fullest extent. In the real world, many of you will have demanding jobs, jobs that require you to work eighty hours a week, fifty weeks a year. On the weekends YOU'll be so tired, all YOU'll want to do is sleep.

And if you're lucky, YOU'll get to take a vacation once a year. Until you have kids, that is, and then all your money will used up on little Johnny's college fund and, of course, Mister Mortgage. The point is, life sucks. Deal with it. That's why It ls so very important that you use your time in college to do all of the things you've ever wanted to do. Spend spring break at Mardi Gras! Study abroad in some foreign country ("Study abroad," of course, is code for, "Spend a semester in Europe, where prostitution is legal! (Note to self: find out whether or not prostitution is legal

Right now you're probably thinking, "Thanks for the advice, Senor, but I shan't be needing it. You see, I'm too cool for anything bad to ever happen to me!" All I have to say to that is plsh posh! Yes, I know, many of you are young, nalve, and idealistic, convinced that the perfect life awaits you. And who knows, maybe I'm wrong, maybe the perfect life does await you. But if it doesn't, and if you someday find yourself sitting in your cubicle at the ungodly hour of 9am doing work that you hate, take my final piece of advice: get into your SUV, drive down to Mr. Spot's (or the local equivalent), and get yourself a nice order of cheese fries. If there's one thing I've learned here at U-M, it's that when all else fails, cheese fries make everything better. And that simple fact, my friends, makes it all worthwhile. ~ It's a sad day at the Review, but If you want to write us about GUipe's last stand then do so at letters@mJchiganreview.com.

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