vol_19_no_3 by Michigan Review

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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Volume 19, Number 3

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

September 27. 2000

Nike Ditches U of M Over of WRC --Instead ojrecieving $24 millionjrom Nike, school to pay $760,0001.....-By

MATTHEW FRANCZAK

IKE MA N Y MAJOR universities, the University of Michigan's high profile athletics are capable of drawing a lucrative sponsorship contract from athletic apparel companies and up until this year, had received exactly such an arrangement from Nike. With a 6-year $8 million dollar contract coming to an end, the University was in the process of negotiating another 6-year contract in which it would receive $24 million, the largest such contract ever. In return, all University teams would use Nike equipment and apparel, which would have been supplied gratis. But things went wrong. Now, instead of receiving millions for using free equipment, President Bollinger has been forced to make a $3 million allocation to athletics, part of which

will be used to pay the $760,000 necessary to purchase the equipment Nike would have provided. Originally, Nike was prepared to sign a contract worth $24 million over the course of six years. This enormous contract was expected to be closed despite some custom service problems and objections by

U of M's contract to the level of any other Nike-sponsored university that negotiated a better deal, and a "living wage" condition which the University itself might have trouble meeting. The open-ended nature of these cwo provisions combined with the University's membership in the Worker's Rights Coalition (WRC) proved to be too

anti-sweatshop activists. The University also wanted a most-favored university clause that would have automatically raised

much for Nike, which decided to break off negotiations, leaving the University with no sponsorship agreement. Instead, Nike

has signed a contract with Michigan State University for sponsorship. Nike still must pay some royalties on U ofM merchandise it sells, but these are not nearly as lucrative as the proposed contract. One of the key factors in the breakdown of negotiations, the "living wage" requirement and WRC membership, can be traced to political pressure applied by the anti-sweatshop movement. The University group most actively involved in this cause is Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality (SOLE). SOLE has engaged in various protests over the course of the last year, attempting to force the University to sign the WRC and opposing the encroachment of "Big Coffee" in Ann Arbor. They were finally successful. After seizing LSA Dean Shirley Neuman's office

See NIKE on Page 3

The Many Faces of Academic Merit By BRAD

SPRECHER

University of Michigan has chosen to jeopardize the quality of its education by shifting its academic resources from areas of proven cultural influence to an area of questionable academic merit. The most recent example involves U of M's decision to offer English II, , course 317 , " How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation." The course offering has ignited public debate across the state and the nation concerning the learning value of this subject matter. In fact, the provocative course has garnered so much attention that the University's academic discretion has become an issue NeE AGAIN, THE

in this year's state election races. Leading state opposition to the course is Auburn Hills mayor Tom McMillin, a conservative Republican and former Michigan field director for the Christian Coalition. McMillin has been an outspoken opponent of homosexual privileges in the state, leading a successful campaign in Ferndale to outlaw special benefits to same-sex partners in the city. Mayor McMillin was less successful in his bid for one of the two Republican nominations for University Regent; ultimately losing to Susan Avery, a travel agencY director from Grand Rapids, and Wendy Anderson, a faithful Republican fundraiser from Commerce Township. McMillin contends that the majority of voters in Michigan do not find merit in srudying homosexual identity fonnation,

From Suite One

3 Letters to the Editor

We don't normally admit to making mistakes, but one reader points one out, thus making this issue lose its PG-13 rating.

Campus conservatives UNITE! Together, we shall oil the machinery of capitalism with the blood of the workers!

5-6

saying that the course "is an inappropriate use of taxpayer funds." Living in a democracy, one would assume that the course offerings in our public universities meet publicly prescribed academic standards that clearly advance the common good. To this end, one might expect that University professors would be subject to the state's oversight when it comes to assessing academic merit. This is certainly the case on the federal level, as university researchers applying for federal funds must endure countless hours at the computer writing grant requests. When it comes to state aid, however, state approval for course subject matter is paradoxically absent. How is it then, that university courses skirt such oversight? . To answer this question, one must turn the pages of history back to the 19 th

Columns

It's the premiere of the Six Million Dollar Column, by "Stone Cold" Mike Austin, the return of Herr Painter, the Country Gent.

century, when educational pioneers like Henry Philip Tappan roamed campus. During his tenure as president, from 1852 to 1863, Tappan was devoted to creating a world-class university in Michigan. In January of 1857, he traveled to Lansing to plead that the legislature avoid positioning "its University (any) lower than the chief institutions of the comparatively small states of Massachusetts and Connecticut" (i.e. Harvard and Yale). At the time of Tappan's address to the State House the University was only in possession of a scant 6,000 books, and was without a library building. Up until 1857, the University had received no special appropriations from the state, but had been funded entirely by

More from El Senor Guipe

El Senor Guipe and El Rojo Grande want to get a pet. So who else is disturbed by the fact that a living creature depends on those two for sustenance?

See REGENT on Page 7

Face-off!

Yes, it's the first Face-off of the school year! Some Faceoff's will be serious, and some will not. This one, is not. (Although some engineers may disagree.)

IPage 2

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• SERPENT'S - TOOTH It was revealed that the University of Michigan ranked 12th in the Princeton Review's survey of the tqp party schools in America, beating Ollt Ohio State, which was 14th, and Michigan State, which was unranked. This is not surprising, however, considering that if this was a mail-in survey, the students would have to be literate to be able to participate,

A recent Vanity Fair article suggested the Presidential Candidate George W. Bush suffered from dyslexia. Bush responded saying, "Dyslexia have I don't."

In an effort to increase post-graduation success, the Music school introduced a series of new classes, They included:

Music 462: Intro to Waiting Tables In this class, students will focus on race, class, and gender issues surrounding the food service induscry. Themes include the Waiter/Waitress dichotomy, McDonalds vs. Burger }(jng, as well as Affirmative Action in reference to waitlists and reservations.

Music 463: Intro to Street Musician life In this class, students will learn how to beg for money. They will learn how to sharpen their harmonica and vocal skills as well as learn the street musician basic repertoire. Class meets at 7 pm on the Diag, where each" musician" will then find a comfy spot on an area side walk and play.

Music 499: Mooching off your girlfrie.ndlparents Where will music majors live after graduation? Room and board isn't free, of course, unless the plan is to live with a girlfriend or parents. Parents might have objections about their thirty year old son or daughter living with them, so this course teaches students how to convince parents, girlfriends or others to allow you to live off of them.

Threatening to follow in the more talented footsteps of director Roger Altman, actor (and we use that term loosely) Alec Baldwin has allegedly pledged to move out of the U.S. if George W. Bush is elected president in November. Man, we can't lose Alec Baldwin! Where else can we fmd another actor of 'his caliber, able to pull of such recent masterpieces such as

"Thomas and the Magic Railroad," "Outside Providence" and "The Juror?" Uh oh, if we're not careful, we might also lose such talent as Paulie Shore or even the incomparable Demi Moore. Democratic loyalties aside, we at Serpents can only speculate on why Alec Baldwin would want to leave the U.S. if George W. Bush is elected president, Ifhe does leave, he'll presumably go to Canada, where his brother Daniel has already gone to. We suppose he figures he wants to pay extremely high taxes and have inefficient universal healthcare no matter who wins.

The Olympics started last week in Sydney, and the Australians were proud to feature such proud natives such as Paul Hogan, Olivia Newton-John and John Farnham. What, no Yahoo Serious? And what abour that Energizer battery guy?

It was announced recently in Daily Variety that famed directors Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorcese will collaborate on a new film together. Sources claim that the new film will be about a cute little alien (who's afraid to go into the water) and his life in the mob and how he gave up that life after finding the Holy Grail after battling sharks, dinosaurs and Nttis and fmally ratting out his boss to be put in the witness protection program.

Officials at the University of Wisconsin have come under fire recently for inserting a black student into a crowd of white students to cry to show off the school's diversity. The officials admitted that they searched through their collection of photographs, but were unable to find one that had blacks with whites. Not enough minorities in Wisconsin? Maybe this has something to do with the fact that IT'S WISCONSIN!

President Clinton has announced that his last trip as President will be a visit to Vietnam. It's almost fitting, considering he missed his previous opportunity to take a taxpayer-financed trip to Vietnam back in

1968. Sources close to the President say that he may consider staying there, because from what he's heard, the girls there are, "ah so horny," and for only fifteen dollars, he can get "eny-ting he wants." Let's hope the girls don't think his "executive branch" is "too beaucoup" and refuse to give him "sucky sucky" .

NBC has announced that it will air a Major League Baseball divisional playoff game on October 3rd instead of the

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Ca~pus

Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

"/ wantul to 71lNt stimulating and i7lteresting peopu oflin ancimt cultur~. and /ri~ them. n

JamesY. Yeh presidential debate. Not to be outdone, ABC announced that it will air a special episode of 20120 featuring a startling expose on the world of accounting and CBS will . run a "lost episode" of Survivor where the Pagong tribe cut their toenails.

Editor-in-Chief James Justin Wilson Publisher, Managing Editor

Michael Austin Managing Editor

Matthew Franczak It's been reported that Germany is now forcing retail franchises to keep their prices higher than that of local businesses so that the chains can't force the local businesses out of business. Yet another reason why Europe sucks ass.

Choose or Lose came to campus and held audition for audience member this week. Isn't this ironic? The students picked to represent our school as responsible citizens skipped a day's worth of classes to audition.

National Affairs Editor

R. Colin Pilinter Senior Editor CAMPUS AFFAIRS ED: FEATURES EDITOR: COPY EDITOR: SATIRE EDITOR: ONLINE EDITOR: LAYOUT:

Dustin C. Lee Kurt Rademacher Rabeh Soon David Guipe Rabeh Sooft Gina Fraternali

STAFF WRITERS: Ruben Duran, Dan Honig, Thn Maull, Dave Mollo-Christensen, Ryan SemI, Brad SpredIer, MIcbaeI Veeser,

EDITOR-AT-LARGE: EDITORS EMERITI:

M. Scott Schwartz Lee Bockhom

Benjamin Kepple

Those happy carefree kids, the Clintons, reportedly are looking for a condo in New York City. Two locations that are being closely examined include a place on Park Avenue and a place on Central Park West. These were Hillary's choices of course, Bill's choices of 42nd Street and Times Square being vetoed by Hillary.

In the Michigan Daily's "Notable Quotable" feature, the redoubtable anticapitalist Michael Moore is quoted urging students to vote for Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader because Nader is " , .. cool, I got him to listen to Rage Against the Machine," prompting Serpents to surmise that AI Gore is "lame, because he listens to Elton John."

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libenarian opinion at the University of Micbigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U- M, Contributions to the Michigan Review are taxdeductible under Section 50! (cX3) of the Internal Revenue Code_"The Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board, Ergo. they are unequivocally correct and just Signed articles. letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous contribut(){S to the Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of the Review's editorial stance, The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the advenisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, anicles, and comments about the journal. Wow, two different Full Metal Jacket references on one page (can you spot them ?) , To the editors of the Every Three Weekly. are you guys still on for kickball? We still want to play you, And to the Doily and the Independent (are you guys even still around?) we' d still love to get some son of a tournament going between us student publications. How about you folks at the Agmda, do you play kickball? In the spirit of affinnative action, we'll even give you a twenty run handicap for being Moronic-Americans, And how about yoo MIM NOles people? Can you scrape together nine people. or do you still have trouble getting a bowling team together'> Please address all advertising. subscription inquiries, and donation s to Publisher clo the Michigan Review. Editorial and Business Offices: The Miclligan R ..ie",

911 N. University Avenue, SnIte One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 ielters@michiganrevlew,com http://wlVw.michiganreview.com Tel. (734) 647-8438 • Fax (734) 936--2505

Love us or hate us, write us.

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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Review Editorial Contained Error In the September 13th issue of the Michigan Review there was a serious mistake made in the editorials section. In the editorial "New Greek Policy Endangers Students," it was stated that there was a shooting incident at Alpha Delta Phi. The actual fraternity involved in this incident was Alpha Epsilon Pi (whom is no longer o n campus). This shows very poor journalism and is plain bullsh*t that the writer of this article didn't even take 5 minutes to research this topic. It is bad enough that the Greek System can never get any positive press, but it f*cking pisses people off when the media makes up names/facts to keep feeding the public want they want to read. It shows how pathetic a paper is when they don't even research articles and editorials anymore.

I would even bet that this writer doesn't know a damned thing about our house. He wouldn't know that we have won the last 3 Greek Weeks (the largest community service event on campus), won the 1M sports title form 1999, hold the annual football pep rally, and have been on this campus since 1846. No, all your paper is concerned about is printing some crap slander story to get readers. Now, some of you may think that this is not a big deal . In all truth, this is a big problem. People do read your paper, and those who are uninformed, especially freshmen, will automically associate my house with this horrible hazing incident. This article also comes at a time when Rush is approaching and an image like this can hurt our rush numbers. There are a lot of angry people due to

NIKE

Most importantly for companies like Nike, the WRC does not involve any representatives from corporations, whereas the FLA involves all parties. This exclusion has put corporations at odds with the proposal and has lead to other contract terminations. by Nike with Oregon and BroWn. The strength of Nike's opposition to the WRC is shown by the decision by Nike CEO and founder Phil Knight, an Oregon alumnus, to drop Oregon's contract. Knight's opposition to the WRC is so strong that he has even decided to cease personal donations to Oregon, which has received a total of $50 million from him over the years. At the core of the anti-Nike sentiment among some srudents is the acci.Jsation that Nike uses sweatshop labor. Indeed,

Continued from Page 1 and occupying it for about half a week, President Bollinger agreed to sign the WRC statement. The WRC differs from the Fair Labor Association (FLA), which the University had formerly approved of and rejoined during the summer, in that it is organized by students rather than the Deparrment of Labor. It demands a "fair living wage," and seeks to implement random inspections. Interestingly enough, the WRC is also supported by the AFL-CIO and its affiliated apparel workers' union, UNITE, which believe that it will discourage U .S. companies from manufacruring apparel abroad.

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this mistake, and to repair some of the damage that was done we expect a large apology/retraction on the FRONT PAGE of your next paper, not some 2 pt font on the last page. If you want to avoid a lawsuit, I expect action. I have already talked to legal sources reagarding this, and I have the connections and resources to make life for the Michigan Review hell. Please do the professional thing and print the retraction on the FRONT page of your next paper. Alpha Delta Phi is a strong house that does a lot of positive things on campus. Jason Sparks (Alpha Delta Phi President)

and frttstration and we sincerely apowgize for ottr error. Our intention was only to make a reference to a hazing incident in an editorial abottt new Greek policies and our writer, whom is otherwise quite familiar with the Greek system, being a member himself, made a mistake in naming the corrrct house involved. Howevrr, contrary to yottr claims, the professional thing to do wottld not be for us to put an apowgy on the FRONT page, but rathrr, on the preceding page, where all of our previous apowgies have gone. Again, we apologize, we hope you're no longer "f"cking pissed" over ottr "bullsh*t " and we hope that our editorial does not keep you from finding men of similar gentlemanly caliber amongst the new freshmen .

Mr. Sparks, apowgies from the Michigan Review are few and far between, bttt in light of ottr mistake we do understand your anger

Eds.

Chinese and Vietnamese workers receive the equivalent of $1 .60 a day for their toils and Nike's Indonesian workers a mere $1.00 a day, and some aspects of shoe production involve the use of hazardous

conditions" and even its detractors admit that Nike is a target more so because of its visibility than its record. As for the eventual fate of the sponsorship of Michigan athletics, it is still

."Now, instead of receiving millions for using free equipment, President Bollinger has been forced to make a $3 million allocation to athletics, part of which will be used to pay the $760,000 necessary to purchase the equipment Nike would have provided." chemicals, including toluene, a organic solvent and suspected carcinogen that has been the subject of controversy. On the other hand, Nike acknowledges that some aspects of its past behavior have been unfair, and cites various improvements it has made. Nike has a global minimum age of 18 for footwear work and a minimum age of 16 for apparel work, both of which are compliant with u.S. regulations. Nike has also deployed a waterbased adhesive that has phased out the majority of the toluene used in shoe production. Nike has improved air quality in it's factories to meet OSHA standards. Nike also raised Indonesian wages and has provided education and loan programs for their employees and the surrounding community. Also, to establish openness Nike has disclosed the location of 45 of its collegiate licensed apparel producing plants and plans to release the results of audits it has commissioned on its manufacturing facilities by Pricewaterhouse Coopers as well as reports by student volunteers they allowed to investigate the plants. According to Knight, "We are very, very serious about providing goo d factory wo rking

up in the air. Representatives from the University are considering both going back to Nike as well as looking for another sponsor. The two reported front-runner replacements are Adidas and Puma, although Champion has received some consideration. Thus, it is unlikely that the athletics department will suffer from a lack of sponsorship next year. However, this year's mistakes have already cost the University millions and may reduce income from future equipment contracts. Mt

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Campus Conservatives Must Unite many students at U of M take for granted-the campus is rife with liberals, socialists, and as evidenced by the infamous MIM Notes, communists as well. But is most of the student body politically liberal? Nixon once said the "silent majority" of Americans were conservatives. It may well be that the U-M is the same way, although the liberal element is so much more vocal. Yet this phenomenon cannot be blamed on the apathy of the right, but rather a need for more cooperation between the conservative groups on campus, coupled with a lack of any substantial assistance from the student government. Firstly, there are several conservative groups on campus. The College Republicans are the most obvious; their president this year is Barb Lambert, who took the torch from last ye;u's president, campus figure, and former MSA member Rory Diamond. The College Republicans, or "CRs" as they're known, are the bedrock for any formidable conservative presence on a college campus. However, another less well-known and oft maligned conservative group is currently being formed on campus, "RYM," or the RepubliCan Youth Majority. Considered more moderate than the CRs, RYM's official stances nationally differ from the Republican Party's on several issues, including abortion-they are prochoice. However, college chapters need not align themselves with the policies of the national group, unlike the CRs. The founder of RYM on campus, pre-med LSA student Niquole May, tried to the form the group last year, but without any substantial help from other conservative groups like the CRs, postponed creation of the RYM chapter until the 2000 year. Speaking of election years, the Students for George Bush have become a conservative force to be reckoned with. The founder of the group on campus, LSA senior and political science major Adam Killian, is actually a native of George Bush's very own Texas. Students for Bush have been very active this election year, and most students have probably seen evidence of their campaign, including posters. mass meetings, voting registration drives, and information tables at events like Festifall, ' etc. Another influential though now defunct conservative group on campus was the Students for John McCain, organized by LSA senior William Rubens. A political science major, Rubens was also the McCain Midwest Regional Youth Director and a Michigan delegate to the Republican Party convention held earlier this year in the city of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia. The Students for John McCain were also closely affiliated with the moderate RYM's, and assisted them in staging a presidential debate last year between speakers for the Students for John McCain, College Democrats (supporting Gore), and a student representative for Steve Forbes. Unfortunately, events like this debate were few and far between. The RYMs and CRs have a national history of bad blood, with the CRscharging the RYMs with betrayal of the core beliefs of Republicanism, while the RYMs claim the CRs support only the right wing of the Republican party. Needless to say, the CRs did not take part in RYM's debate last year, nor was there any other kind of cooperation between the two groups. The publicized effort by Bush to "steal" McCain's Michigan delegates did nothing to ease tensions between the CRs and the McCain-supporting RYMs. either. While bad blood can be expected in the heavily charged atmosphere of election years, other events in the past have caused falling outs among the conservative factions on campus as well. The Michigan Review itself, although forbidden- from endorsing any candidate for public office, has a strong history as a conservative and libertarian publication, and as such is a natural choice as the mouthpiece for the conservative groups at U-M. Yet even the Review (as well as the Michigan Daily) was forced to object to the way Rory Diamond handled the CR membership fiasco last year. Other campus conservative groups include the Students for Life, which, obviously, is pro-life. This semester seems to be quite busy for them, with their Genocide Awareness Project coming to campus this week. Another often overlooked conservative group is the Law School's Federalist ·Society. Their main focus is to promote conservative and libertarian thought by bringing in conservative speakers to a campus that saw visits from Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton last year. All rivalries and disagreements aside, cooperation between the these conservative groups has long been overdue. Liberal groups on campus have been exaggerating their presence on this campus long enough. The time has come for campus conservatives to stop fighting each other and to start focusing on winning back the hearts and minds of the students. Mt

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The GorejMTV Broadcast is a ShaITl

MTV's Real World will be holding auditions in Detroit for its upcoming season. The granddaddy of GenX reality shows, The Real World has filmed the lives of "seven people picked to live in a house to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real," for the last decade. And for that last decade Bunim-Murray Productions has shufHed through thousands of applications and traveled across the country looking for just the right people to stick in the house together. Of course there is the multi-million-dollar house located in some hip spot of the country and the token homosexual, African-American, bitch, hottie, jock, jerk, punk, and allAmerican nice guy. Cross-section of America? Maybe. Cross-section of the real real world? Hardly. Each person plays their role, they fight, make up, go on some vacation, get some pointless job, have a fake dog, and lure innumerable people into wasting an hour with their "real" drama. One thing is for certain; they're not going to pick some gun-loving ultraconservative Chinese guy. That's for sure. Coincidentally, MTV is also coming to campus this week for a "Town Hall Meeting" with Vice President Gore. It's not going to be just MTV; it's that bastion of hard-hitting HIS WEEK,

"One can only expect such probing questions as: 'Was the kiss good for yOU?' or the traditional 'Boxers or Briefs ?'" journalism, MTV News, known for br~ng such tantalizing stories such as the North American tour dates for The Backstreet Boys. Last week, MTV contacted the university and asked them to host the event. In order to be involved, students were asked to skip class and show up at the Union on Friday or Saturday for an interview. There, students were asked the three questions they wanted to ask Gore as the determining factor for being selected as an audience member. On Tuesday, the actual show will be filmed in the Media Union, beginning with a rehearsal. Needless to say, Gore's people will be intimately involved with the entire process from interview to rehearsal to filming to editing. This presents a problem. Any Joe Schmo who turns on MTV that evening is not going to be thinking about the drastic amount of censorship, guidance, and pressure put on each student to play the role that Gore wants them to play. It is a sham. It's a 30-minute paid advertisement with substandard actors who ire only excited to be on MTV One can only expect such probing questions as: "Was the kiss good for you?" or the traditional "Boxers or Briefs?" This problem is not just a campus issue. The Gore camp is set on continuing the same tired old Presidential Debate Commission debates. They serve no purpose other than ensuring that each candidate can get said what they want to be said. The journalists never ask the tough questions. And the answers are so canned and forced, they sound like an advertisement for Ann Arbor Quality 16 theater. More focus should be put on Bush's idea of a debate; sitting down and talking about the issues. He wanted to end the rhetoric and stump speeches. This so called "town-meeting" is nothing more than The Real World meets national politics. Students should watch, but watch with the idea that this is not a free exchange of ideas, but rather a commercial. Students are unknowing pawns in Al Gore's electoral chess game. Mt

Why Affif1!Ultive Action Doesn't Make Sense

RACIST? I sincerely hope not. But that question is perhaps a iule too easy. How about this: do you think the color of a person's skin should determine their acceptance into college? Now stay with me here, I don't think the color of a person's skin should have anything to do with college admissions. I know the opinion that every person should be treated equally is pretty progressive . Now here's the part that confuses me: Michael because I think Austin people should be judged "not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," I am considered a racist. Well, at least that's what the Affirmative Action supporters on campus say. Actually, I have never even been called a racist, but by disagreeing with proAffirmative Action groups it is implied that I am a racist simply by disagreeing with their viewpoints. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not a racist. As part of my core conservative beliefs I am against racial preferences of any kind. Sure, the Declaration of Independence was written by a bunch of rich, slave-owning, white men, but the eternal optimist in me truly believes that "All Men are Created Equal." And just so you know, I interpret the "men" part of that as mankind, so all men and women are created equal as far as I'm concerned. Let me bring the uninitiated up to speed. Our glorious University, in the brave new world of tolerance and acceptance" says the color of your skin makes you more of a person. That's right. Here's how it works: you get "points" for a number of different categories towards admission . Out of a possible 150 points, 100 points will get you an acceptance letter. For example, a high school grade point average of 4.0 will get you a whopping 80 points, while a perfect 1600 on the SAT garners you 12. Then for those kids that grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, there is a 20 point bonus for socioeconomic hardship. And then there is the 20 points for underrepresented minorities, which is totally independent of aforementioned socioeconomic hardship (that is, you can only get the 20 points once). So a minority student that went to a poor inner-city high school gets 20 points, but so does the minority student that went to a rich suburban private school. That's right, the color of your skin is worth more than your SAT score, no matter how good your high-school education was. RE YOU A

Let me insert my own anecdotal story. Take my neighbor at home, who, like me, spent most of his education going to an upper middle class well funded high school. He received good grades, played football and track, and (deservedly) went to Princeton University. The fact that his parents are from Uganda is totally unimportant with regard to his academic qualifications. N onetheless, he would receive 20 more points at the U of M (although he didn't need them) towards admission than many of his classmates who stood on the same educational foundation . So now we have the pending lawsuits against the University, claiming that using race as a factor in the admissions process is unconstitutional. These have been delayed a few times, and if you read the Every Three

wrong, and shouldn't be heard. Case in point, take Ward Connerly, formerly of the California Board of Regents that passed Proposition 209, ending race-based admissions policies in California. Me. Connerly's visit to the University was met with a large group of protesters who turned the event into a circus of name-calling and protest chants instead of the enlightening berween rwo ideals that it could have been. Another sneaky little trick the Affirmative Action people like to use is the bastardization of history. Their literature is filled with comparisons berween them and the civil righ tS activists of the 1960s. This is because the old civil rights movement was right, and any comparison makes today's gro ups lo ok good by as sociation. Unfortunately the comparison is all wrong.

"Which is not to say that Affirmative Action supporters themselves are bad. They're not evil, only grossly misguided." Weekly, the trial will start right around the Second Coming. In the meantime we have The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary (BAMN) and its political arm in the student .government, the Defend Affirmative Action Party (DAAP) , to entertain us with their antics, such as the "National Day of Action" every semester. This is where someone had the great idea to celebrate civil rights by not going to class. Oh yeah, they also honor a nasty tradition of pulling the Angell Hall fire alarm so it looks like more people are out supporting their event. The first (and largest) "Day of Action" got about 220 supporters on the diag and national news coverage. What an overwhelming response on this campus of 35,000, that a little more than halfa percent of the student population protested in support of their cause! The modus operandi of the Affirmative Action supporters is tried and true. First, they claim to be right at' all times without exactly saying why they are right. Take the common rallying cry, "no resegregation of higher education," for instance. Nobody disagrees with that, which brings me to the second main tactic of the Affirmative Action camp: since they are right, everyone against them is inherently evil. By saying "no resegregation of higher education" it is implied that opponents of affirmative are for segregation. Another great strategy they use is very similar to the kindergarten "I am rubber, you are glue" argument. That is, they are allowed to say anything under the context of free speech and fairness, but anything the opposition has to say' is hateful,

If Jessica Curtin sparked a bus boycott instead of Rosa Parks, we'd probably have a separate bus system for minorities and "nonracist whites," with cheaper fares subsidized by the rich , white male, Capitalist oppressors. Which is not to say that Affirmative Action supporters them selves are bad. They're not evil, only grossly misguided. Affirmative Action is inherently illogical. Consider the issue that not enough minorities are accepted into top Universities. The rational solution would be look at why this is happening and solve it. For instance the reason for this could be that our public education system is failing to educate minority students well enough. A solution would be to improve the educational system. I'm not going to go into the many possible reasons why our schools are failing, or the even greater number of ways we can fix our schools, but you get the point. And yes, it will be difficult to fix our schools, and it might be a while until we see any results. So instead we get a Band-Aid. Not enough minorities in good schools? Let more in! Take everything you think makes sense and throw it out the window. Forget that, totally independent of race, anyone who wouldn't normally pass the admissions standard at a University is going to have a hard time succeeding. That doesn't matter, because Affirmative Action is all about looking good on paper; making sure that minority enrollment is at an acceptable level. Never mind those pesky figures like the graduation rate, or undergraduate grade point average, because our current

Affirmative Action system does nothing to ' deal with those issues. Furthermore, by giving extra points towards admission to minorities at the University. it implies that these minorities aren't good enough to make it own their own. Not only is this untrue, it's completely insulting to the thousands of hardworking , intelligent minority students here at the University who don't need any help, thank you very much. I am not about to claim that racism doesn't exist, because it does. What I am saying is that all the strides we have made towards racial equality are based on just that. equality. Furthermore, perpetuating racial preferences only gives racists more reason to hate. Let me put it this way: is the school bully any less likely to beat up on the smart kid after the teacher moves his desk to the front of the class and out of danger? The way towards equality is by accepting each other's differences, not by making a political issue out of them. There is one issue where I agree with the Affirmative Action groups, but as usual we disagree on the solution. Yes, there are inner-ciry schools where students don't receive as high quality of an education as other, better-funded schools. Nonetheless, there are plenty of qualified and intelligent students that don't get into a good school simply because of where they went to high school. This is wrong, but the way to solve it shouldn't even consider race as a factor. Low-qualiry schools hurt everyone that attends them, so every White, Asian , Latino, and African-American student receives the same poor education. Therefore the logical solution to this problem would be a system that helps people based on which high school they attended, geographic location, or socioeconomic status. Let me put it this way: do you want people to judge you by how you look? Well, that's exactly what the University does. It's all part of creating a diverse student body, they say. Never mind that true diversity looks past petty appearances. Diversity is our past experiences, our wide-ranging opinions and curiosities. In sort, diversity is everything that makes us who we are, and it is much more than what we look like. While it be niive to think that people from diverse ethnic backgrounds don't have diverse experiences, it is equally niive to believe that a run-ofthe-mill suburban white kid doesn't harbor his own uniquely diverse experiences and viewpoints. The University administration and Affirmative Action supporters fail to recognize this, and are quick to point out the importance of diversity as a part of the college experience. So consider which side is right: those that refuse to judge a person's merit by their skin color, or those who judge a person almost solely by it. MR

• MUSINGS OF A COUNTRY GENT

A Study in Tolerance Why I'm intolerant at times

STUDENT AT U OF M accumulates many things during his brief stint ere. Fond memories of football games, frat parties, and friends all come to mind. But paramount in importance is the education that student receives, and not cheaply I might add. But what is that a student is getting for all those thousands of dollars spent and R. Colin countless hours Painter lost to study? "A well rounded liberal education," is the standard answer from many professors and administrators. However, something much more insidious is at foot. Another commonly cited "gift" obtained at this institution is "tolerance." As we all remember from orientation, tolerance (or its secret code word, "acceptance") is spoon fed to us right along with all the other tired Marxist drivel. What, or whom, are we being taught to tolerate? Ar first, this seems an elementary question. But tolerance is a tricky word. Calling someone "intolerant" is generally considered an insult; likewise, a "tolerant" person is expected to be kind, enlightened, and forward thinking. O.K., sounds like tolerance is a good thing, right? Ah, it is this point that my liberal colleagues always seem to stumble over. As in most things, human qualities and belief; must be kept in moderation. Balance is key to maintaining rational thought and self control. For example, pride and ambition drive men to excel, but too much leads to arrogance and megalomania. So to is it with tolerance; a little is necessary for objective . thinking , or "openmindedness." But too much leads to a degradation of personal morals and ethics. Now, back to the question of what the U of M is teaching us to tolerate. Liberals tend to err in favor of tolerance to the extreme. As the overwhelming majority of professors and administrators at the U of M are liberals (including communists and socialists), it makes sense that they try to teach us to tolerate "everyone;" that all politics, beliefs, and religious credences are worthy of complete tolerance. Not only is this hypocritical on their part, it is foolish and wrong. Clearly, if all politics and beliefs were to be tolerated equally, then the traditional

Judeo-Christian code of ethics ought to be afforded the same respect. It is not. Everywhere, our traditional ways of life are under assault from the great cannons of tried-and-failed liberalism. Marriage is now little more than a custom, its sanctity being eroded by our tolerance of casual divorce, as well as the sham of homosexual marriage. On a greater level, our tolerance of casual sex and a rejection of personal responsibility and the Christian work ethic has led to a sharp increase in fatherless homes and increasingly impoverished women and children. (This last a fact quoted even by the great liberal demagogues themselves, including Bill Clinton and AI Gore!) A look atound the campus and environs of U of M proves how far the "tolerance" taught by our intellectual elite has progressed. (Think of your past professors, many of whom spent the sixties

thing entirely. This is a very extreme point, and as yet I have not heard of this happening at any government institution or university, although many professors in this country do in fact consider themselves Communists; let us remind the reader that Communism calls for violent and bloody revolution by the masses, a very frightening proposition considering the U.S. as a whole is the hated bourgeoisie by much of the rest of the world. But many things are now being tolerated and accepted by this country, or at least its intellectual elites, which may have .grave consequences for our social order. An article by Stanley Kurtz entitled "What is Wrong with Gay Marriage," found in the September, 2000 issue of Commentary, discusses the dangers inherent in accepting gay marriage as an institution equal to heterosexual marriage.

"In layman's terms, little Johnny may have not just two daddies, but three, four, five daddies -and two mommies and one mommy who used to be a daddy, or God knows what other sort of 'novel family configuration.'" railing against the established order, doing their best to tear the institutions of this country apart from the inside out.) Glimpsing the denizens of East Quad, one often finds members of the drug-laden "counter culture;" a culture inherently dangerous which exposes young Americans to narcotics and irresponsible lifestyles. And, while activism and racial equality are wonderful goals to strive toward, the "bastardized tolerance" indoctrinated in the student body has led full-circle to a new brand of racism, cloaked under the guise of activism for racial equality. One student group saturated by such hate mongering goes by the threatening and inflammatory, if not downrigh t irresponsible title "BAMN," or "The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By Any Means Necessary... " Clearly, srudents and Americans as a whole must NOT tolerate ideologies dangerous to our way of life. Letting an avowed Nazi speak on a street corner is one thing, even evil people have constirutionally protected rights as Americans. However, to set that Nazi on a pinnacle, praise him, and give him grants and special assistance to propagate his bigoted ramblings is another

Not to say that homosexuality itself is a sin, for neither Mr. Kurtz nor I myself believe it to be so. However, accepting marriage between two people of the same sex, and to set that blasphemous chimera on the same ground as the holy union between a husband and wife is both ludicrous as well as detrimental to society. In his article, Kurtz quotes one proponent of same-sex marriage, Mr. William Eskridge, as hoping that "same-sex marriage will in turn encourage a greater experimentation with all family norms," and that "where children are concerned, sperm donors and others will be incorporated into 'novel family configurations.'" In layman's terms, little Johnny may have not just two daddies, but three, four, five daddies and two mommies and one mommy who used to be a daddy, or God knows what other sorr of "novel family configuration." What kind of effect would this have on America's increasingly isolated and violent youth, when it has been shown that simply lacking a father can cause ir~eparable developmental damage? Gay marriage is ·but ·one of many results of chis wonderful new acceptance.

of sin and tolerance of immorality. Misled activists fight off Big Tobacco even while Big Marijuana tries to lock its talons on the hearts and lungs of a new generation of America's youth. (Thank God for those pesky litde laws which keep marijuana classified as a narcotic, ... at least for now.) Rebellious professors propagate their racist drivel in classrooms because it is politically correct and tolerable so long as the evil white students are the butt of the attack. I actually had one anthropology professor first tell my class that eugenicists who believed in the superiority of blonde hair and blue eyes were racists and that eye color made no difference in terms of strength, viability, or intelligence; all of this I agree with wholeheartedly. But she unfortunately followed up this wonderful point with the foll~wing words, which I quote from memory; " .. .in fact , I find blue eyes ugly, they might as well be a mistake." Thank you for that enlightened, tolerant, and forward thinking bit of crap, doctor. For the record, I wonder what the University would do to her if she said, "I find black skin ugly, it may as well be a mistake?" The assault on the American family is intolerable. The assault on the institution of marriage and Judeo-Christian values is intolerable. The efforts by our intellectual elites to convince our youth to experiment with drugs and promiscuous lifestyles is clearly intolerable. In fact, I find many things to be intolerable and so do the silent majority of Americans. I'm fed up with hypocritical communists - professors teaching me to be tolerant, all the while preaching pain and ignorance. In fact, as perta~ns to many things glorified by our enlightened teachers, I am a fairly intolerant person. But does this make me a bad person? Those same people who think they're so tolerant would unequivocally say "yes," and refuse to tolerate my viewpoint. But I don't care, I'm going to go right on not tolerating things. And if you don't like it, then you need not tolerate me. 1vR

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REGENTS ContInued from Page 1 revenues from the sale of the land donated by Congress in tbe 1787 Northwest Ordinance. In his appeal for state funds. Tappan had to assure the legislarure thar the University would fortify the professional. economic, and educational health of the Slue. Ind«d, many Sate residents we critical of the University's role during these early reus. They wondered bow classes in Latin and Greek were relevant to the loggers. railroad workers. and copper miners living in the Wolverine State. Tappan tactfully responded to these concerns by cataloguing the more practical components of the University curriculum. Tappan noted that U of M offered "a course in civil engineering. for admission to which no kno\\1c:dge of the Larin and Greek is required." The president argued that these engineers would be necessary for the construction of roach. bridges. and other public works proJccts in the state. A broadminded visionary. Tappan contended that the Uruversiry's educauonal role in the seue be comprehenslvc. and :u such, it should :um (0 supply the state with weU-trained primary school teachers. In addirion, U of M was to teach "practical ChemlStry ... and pursue a course of experiments direcrl) connected with Agriculture and Manufacturing." The President also undersrood the importance ofstudy an the humanities. In the same petilion he fC4lsoned that a broad course of inqull}' would be necc~sary to che intellectual developmem of the students enrolled. Tappan had a firm grasp of the Universlt)" obligation to fulfill the needs of the Aedgling soue. Thus, he worked dilIgently [0 jusrify Its course of srudy to the selle authorities putting monetar approprIations at its dbposal. Today, as several Uni\'ersity officials. from English Dep:mment head John Whinier-Ferguson to President BoUanger. srand in defense of courses such as English 317, it seems that state oversight IS either absent or powerles:o to inOuence course content. The issue of Universit supervision has long been contentious. A disput~ in the late 19'" century pined the

Sate Legislature, which was pl't'$Slog for "homeopathic medical school: against the Regents, who refused to impose the philosophy on the allopathic program cxtant. In 1896. a landmark State Supreme CoUrt decision served (0 clarify the seat of University supervision. The coUrt ruled against the .LegisIat"UK. noting that me state consarution clearly places the responsibility of University oversight within the power of the Board of RegentS. Under this precept, state lawmakers would have no right to intervene in the everyda operuions of the Universiry. Although this constitutional

inquiry. How is it Wt ccmin departments in a public institution. such as the University of Michigan , can avoid the legal oversight of a publicly appointed body (i.e. the Board of RegentS) when they arc ultimately dependent on the stue for funds? It seems as though the answer nuy well be the Regent/faculty "special understanding." They have struck an agreement regarding the balance of power where the srudcol3 are at the mercy of their professors' own academic imerests. In (he case of Tom McMillin's opposition ro the Univcrsitys gay-srudies coone, suppose his stance on the issue truly

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servIng requlremcot is stiU In effect, the extent (0 which the R~nts aerose their 2uthonty seems minimal at tbe preSent time. Accordang (0 History professor Nichol Steneck. a 10ng-~tandlOg agreement between the Regents and faculty grants professors special permIssion to decide curricular content, and an occhange. the faculty cedo approval for all Uruversiry programs to the Board. Before rcaching Umversll)' course~, professors must first codure the serotin), of the department and coUege of interest before being granted 2 faculty position. Givco the rigorous ~Ieaion proc(:S:;, the new professor's expertise in his given fidd is understood. With rhelr depth of peci2Jiution. professors have 2 special knowledge of the :areas of theIr fidds that h2ve yet to be explored, and as such. these professors are uniqudy positioned to look IOtO these :areas. Although some Umversiry professors, espccia.lly in the seiences, must petiuon governmem authorities to fund their research projects, m2n)' other professors are given much Iatirude when it comes to deciding their course's area of

does reflect the opinion of tbe ma;orit)· of state residents. If he had won his part)" nomina.tion and the subsequent dectlon, would the Regent/f2culty "special agreement" prcdude hIm from occcuong his dury to support the people's inrerest to their University) Such a scenano run entirel), counter to the democrati principles Amencans hold dear. Even to cases where the people of the SOlle were gIven a voice in COUISC offerings, there IS no guarantee that th~ cours would have academic merit. On the ~is that the University has an obligation to educate its citizens. the merit of the COllfSO offered should be verified. Of course, determining the stand.mis for mem could be clifficult co achic:vc. At the very lta!tt. however, Universll)' courses should serve not only to advance the future careers of itS srudenlS, but it should also, as Tappan recognized. convey an understanding of the human spirit such that the srudcot might bcrter appreciate his feUow man and use his education [0 benefit the SOCIety which has e.ndowed him with such excellent educational resources. These criteria. of

course. place education It( the very center of the University. In the current system of counc appr~, it is the professor who chooses marerUI based on his or her own interest, and nOt necessarily those of the stude.nts. The UnivetSlty of Michigan protessors arc talented and have demonstrated superior skills and knowledge in every imaginable field. One might question. however. the English department's dcclSion to run the course "How to be Gay" wllh the srudents' eduarion as their hIghest :um or if. as the very Rev. AI Sh.upron puts u, this is merely "intcUecrual masru~tion" on me pan of these professors. serving their own intcUc:aual interestS. If the emphasis of the English department was on qualaty eduQtion. mjgin their teaching resources be geared more lOward prepanng the srudents for dialogue in a literary canon thu students (he world over would recognize. or would it continue to devote these resources to the professors' own narrow inrerests? Many srudentS regret not having received more opportunlll~ (0 delve IntO Melville. Dickens. or \xfhitman, which i~ not to S3y such courso are not offered. Ind«d. $Ome studenb mlght well tuve chosen thoc courso If English degr<e n:qwremems such as "New TradItions," which explore obloCure lefnst authoflo of the last twO cenruries, had not stolen cou lections from those involVing authors with proven inOutnce. Asked ro name .l lesbian author who " up on a farm in 19'~ c('Orury Nehru d uudents would easily name Willa Cather. Ask :1 srudenr to name .l poem in 'IX'hitman's "Lc:aves of Grass" and he'd be dumhHruck. Such is the desper.ne ~(ate of the En~lish department's course deM~n. One can onlv imagine that the lack of t:Xtern.tl oversight has played ~me mle in lhe direction the department has taken. Pahaps it is time for some good oldfashioned democncy when it comes to deciding coune m.uerial. In some f;lr ofT Ide:l1 land called America. some have reported thu the democr:nic ocperiment has worked well to foster the life. liberty. and l12ppiness of those living mert'. Wh should we expect any less ofour Universiry?

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type isIuc you want 10 make of it. I think IYEN SHAWN FANNINGS recent

visit

campus to spcaIc at rhc B-school on September 22, I thought..perbaps, it WIS time once apia to· discuss the ·cMr-prenJent iuue of Naper. J woo't heft,au wich the UIUII BS .bout wbcchcr or ROC NIpar is Iepi. « moral, or .........6 .,... . . . .ic:aI to

I chink pn:tty much eYCr)'ODe. at this

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I'd look at me issue from viewpoint of why cucdy Nap.r hu .,. much ~

Napaa. Macaa, or some other pmpam t o _ mp3's. Am.I wrong? J do not beftevc, howewr. char ~ arc all a bunch of inimonl petty ·dUcves who arc jU5t fOG chap to SOOUl'aod buy aIllOOO IOIIp we aorc OIl our cweuiud hard dri¥a. Why Ihcn do . . &od u:h appeal in a program &IDe ~ "c!8 beiida dlcalwioua~ .••

aD know dw cumJll, law says that if we arc all staling mp3's off the nec iu iDepl. and I think. CYal if we won't admit it. we know its wrons tOo. Instad. J thouaht

and funbcr, wIw the music industry needs 10 do to continue lDIIcinca profit off me ale of its music.

who own. a computer uses

free, and if you're an out-of-scater liler me money isn't caaIy left over aliu the aImOJt 30 g's ,au IhdJ out ~ )"CV (0 come here. I chink ,au toO SO' fed up with spcndina anywhere &om $IO-S30 on an album thac ofien conaiDs, what. CWO or Wee pel lOOp at The record indutuy'. anIWCr to IUCh claims

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Napster Continued from Page 7 like: "I only like one of the sonS$ on the album, thar's why I download it from Napstcr: however, is buy the single. The record industry has made arrempts at reconciliuio n with NapSler. searching for some way that they roo can profit from its success. There: have: been numerous discussions on methods for sdling. yes sdJ'ing, mp3's over the Internee. Here tOO there is a problem, however, when artist like Lars Ulrich or Dr. Ore go o n MT\ and bitch about losing record S2les they ·Sttm to forget that quire onen if asked {O pay for their ~ngs many of us would never ever consider buying them. Funhermore. given the creation of duplicate service. similar to Napsler, Itke Freenet, which op:" , cr.ncs differently dl3.n Nap~(er's server am;!" ILitemUy QIlno( be shut dovm unless all its iusers nop using it, it seems (he phenomcnon of easHy acquiring &a: music ~ bound

Men's Health Article Blows

Lid on Anti-Male Bias By

RUBEN DURAN

o THE SURPRISE OF its readers, Men's

Health magazine recently published a study that didn't have anything to do with either better sex or bigger abs. The study / survey showed that the University of Michigan ranked in the top ten schools in the country that expressed a "strong anti-male bias." Men's Health polled over 500 college men (the editors of the Review included) to determine which schools sunk below the rest. Accordingly, this study has raised enough stir to spawn several conversations in the hallways, classrooms , and watercQolers of academia, While the most vocal opinions on the toconcinue. ..... 1 stoty have come out against the article, .Wha[ [hen IS the record industry to there is a rumbling of male voices calling ' do? If we as consumers Ce3SC 10 purch~ out in support of it, and with good cause. their product they will ha\'e to find a nC\y. The University of Michigan has made it way (0 make a profit. Perhap~, the best vety clear that men who are not submissive place for them 10 stan would be by puning simpletons are not welcome here. ·an end to their cookie currer made armtS During freshmen orieritation, every ~nd instead foctu on true minic ahiliry student was entertained by ResRep, the and ahem ... lhe abilicy to give a real Live acting troupe sponsored by the Office of performance (lip-synchjng dOt'Sn't coun New Student Programs. One of their skits Ms. Spears I'm sorry). A good C'lQmple 01 concerned the rape of a girl by a male i a completely puformance b~ band is friend. In this instance, the male was shown ' the revered Phish. They have been selling as smug and uncaring. Several statistics are out shows for yean upon years, making often thrown around during these money. and yet they allow every one of orientation programs, including one their shows fa be recording and distributed stating that one in fo ur wome/) in to anyone so long as it is done so for free. attendance would be "sexuaJly assaulted" When they do put our studjo albums most during their time at the University. of my mends who love the band buy the However, on the albums, ramer than steal them. as a way to Sexual. Assault show their love and support for the band. PreventIOn and Given the chance that giant corporations Awareness Center uch as Sony. Universal, etc. can produce (SAPAC) website , bands that have the "underground" lists that there were foUowing and popularity ofPhish. perhaps. if they rm>gnized f.ans respond best ~nly 89 counts o! sexual assault when they feci tbe artist o r artists are during the 1996performing because they wish to share their 1997 school year. •• music; with others, not simply sdl it to There are more than them. 34,000 students here What else can really be said? Qeariy at thi s University, the music indusuy has • reaJ problem on roughly half of them female, and 89 is not its hands and it appean trying to nop 25% of 17,000. Even considering the people from stealing their music isn't going reported cases of "sexual assault" and to solve it. I think we'll all be very combining them with the 29 cases of intucSted (0 sec how the U.S. 1qaJ system "dating and domestic violence," 38 of decides (0 deal with the issue. For now, "stalking," and 22 of "sexual harassment," what else can J A)' hut download those that is still only a grand total of 178 cases. mp3's while you still can ... and hey. if you 178 cases are 178 cases too many, but it is really do like a band. please just support certainly not 25% of the female population them by buying their album. BeUdes if at the University. you've already beard the whole dUns OD One quarter of the women who go Napncr, you know you'U. . it. Ml here are not "assaulted," given unwanted advances, etc., yet incoming freshmen are lied to year after year. And for what purpose? None other than to degrade all

mat

the men present at the University into feeling guilty for a crime that is not the irs - b e i n g male. And the atrocity does not stop here. It almost should not be forgotten that Cat her i n .e MacKinnon , the infamous law school professor, is on staff here. She is noted for saying that all sex is rape. 5 eve r a I organi zations on campus routinely blame men for just about everything. Attending the first meeting o f the Coaliti o n to D e fen d Affirmative Action After one month/issue of abstinence, Men's Health By Any Means returns to its old ways in the October issue. N e c e s s a r y (BAMN ) , the organization repeatedly blamed not just the little overboard. The last thing this country white public, but the white man. After all, needs are universities teaching the Lifetime it is the fault of all men that women have channel at $30,000 a year. been kept oppressed; which is why many Despite all of this, it must be said that women, from Elizabeth Dole to Janet the sports program is great here, even if the

"Granted, there is surely room for studying the men'screwtearnisstill a dub sport. The frats role of women in many fields, but when you're are friendly 'and the ' ratio of women to tal'lang about t h e sexuaI pol"lticS oJ.1" 0 Ct opussy men is 52 to 48. it has gone a little overboard. The last thing thatIt there seems .then , an this country needs are universities teaching the obvious problem with . " t h e anti-male bias here Lifetime channel at $30,000 a year. at Michigan, based

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Reno, have held positions of significant power and iilfluence for many years. In addition to SA PAC's voice on campus, Men's Health cites an "academically loopy" curriculum that is "heavily politicized." This is no doubt in reference to the over abundance of course that focu~ on woman and take benign issues and engender them. Across the university curriculum there is an encroachment of overly feminist propaganda. Granted, there is surely room for studying the role of women in many fields, but when you're talking about the sexual politics of Octopussy it has gone a

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simply on a few examples (though there are many, many more). It seems that no one has been willing, or had the desire, to take a stance on this issue until a national magazine did it for us. Perhaps this will help bring to light the bigotry that is truly inherent in this institution. If a lowly freshman can spot it at orientation, why can't anyone else?

Beyond Religion vs. Football Minority Favoritism in Our Society By

DAN HONIG

OOTBALL AND RELIGION, felt to be synonymous by a great many Americans, have come into conflict on the University of Michigan campus. It is a battle of two houses: the House of God and the Big House. The Michigan-Wisconsin game, the highlight of this year's season for the ticket holder, is going to be played on Rosh Hashanah, the Hebrew New Year; and certain people on this campus would like to see kickoff pushed back to allow those who would like to attend both the game and morning religious services the opportunity to do so. However, it seems dear that the game will not be moved. Bruce Madej, Director of Media Relations for the Athletic Department, said, "the schedule is set by the Big Ten. " The Wisconsin kickoff is set at 12:10, and that kickoff "will not be moved." But, more than what will be done, is the question of what should be done and the more complex issues this raises for our campus and, perhaps, society. First, there is the issue of whether it is in keeping with the spirit of the day for a Jew to attend a sporting event on Rosh Hashanah at all. Rosh Hashanah begins the ten days of atonement, a period of repentance for the missteps of the previous year. Consequently, a strong argument can be made that this is a time for rumination, for reflection and for self-examination; not for football. Still, some argue that the reason for moving the game would not be the Jewish religious doctrine per se, but that each individual should be allowed to observe the holiday in whatever way he sees fit. As su~, the reason for moving the game would be the aggregated personal feelings of the season ticket holders, the

religion on its face. Indeed, many may feel that religious beliefs make an individual a more upright citizen. Both Mr. Bush and Mr. Gore profess a deep Christian spiriruality. No one has a serious objection to that. The objection here is to that ideology crossing over to actual issues of governance. Why is Mr. Lieberman's behavior not polarizing? It seems that the desire of Pat Buchanan and the religious right to moralize politics, to integrate politics and

relative importance they place on their religion, and their right as paying customers to be granted a voice in how and when that service i~ provided. John Adams, second president of the United States, wrote that our Constirution was made only for a moral and religious people, and George Washington warned us never to indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Dangerous words, some might think for a leader to utter. But perhaps these

"Rosh Hashanah begins the ten days of atonement, a period of repentance for the missteps of the previous year. Consequently, a strong argument can be made that this is a time for rumination, for reflection and for selfexamination; not for football." phrases were not spoken from a religious pulpit, but rather a political one. Joseph Lieberman, Democratic nominee for Vice President, uttered them right here in Michigan. The separation of church and state, that political holiest of holies, that all so important line in the sand, was broached. Government, moralized. And if religion is, as Mr. Lieberman intimates, the only way to morality, what does.that mean to you if you do not share the religion .of the speaker? It means a morality, a state morality. A preferred way ofbelic:ving the world around you, and one that is not yours. Note: few, if any, individuals oppose

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religion, is much of what keeps Buchanan's popularity at minimal levels and what scares the average American. But no such backlash has come Mr. Lieberman's way. Why not? It seems that Mr. Lieberman is not vulnerable to the same brand of criticism; he is a member of a minority, a historically discriminated-against class, and thus a class that currently enjoys a certain protected status in our society. Individuals are slow to .critkize his behavior, lest they be cast as anti-Semites. However, one of the few groups·to run afoul of Mr. Lieberman and strongly object to chis injection of religion into politics has been the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), a Jewish organization, and a group that does not have to fear being deemed anti-Semitic. .On the whole, behavior has been altered to avoid even the appearance of injustice. And in doing so, a disservice is being done, and the ultimate loser is society. When thinkirig about the Michigan football game, students must pause and ask: "Would the same considerations be made for other interests?" Mr. Made; (Director of Media Relations for the Athletic Department) noted that the basketball team has traveled and even played games on Christmas. But why have these activities raised comparatively less social

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fervor? If a football game interfered with Catholic Mass, would it be moved? Or is the fact that this interest group is one that mainstream America tries particularly hard not to offend? Moreover, why we would grant rdigious considerations of any stripe over secular ones? Would other extenuating circumstances interfering with the ability of ticket holders to reach the stadium and fully actualize the potential of their season tickets warrant rescheduling? Every early game causes a conflict for many students (arguably a larger number than are affected by the Jewish holiday), as they must weigh the desire to sleep off their hangovers (or elect to drink less on the preceding Friday) against their desire to attend an early game. Why do we not just ban early games on behalf of these fans? What about an important speech? Would individuals wishing to hear Kissinger and Ford speak a few weeks ago have been correct to skip their classes to do so? What's more, should classes have been rescheduled to serve this purpose? Indeed, if the Athletic Department does accommodate by rescheduling a game each time a conflict of priorities arises in the minds and hearts of a class of people, where does it end? And how large a group can we properly disenfranchise in this manner? Accommodations in this manner are a slippery slope; beware he who attempts to navigate it. Many find offensive the presumption . that life should not be hard, or that University students lack the moral fortitude to choose between conflicting interests. Life is full of difficult decisions; life is full of opposing priorities. To those Jews for whom Rosh Hashanah is truly a spirirual holiday, the decision will be a simple one. For those who are torn, the University cannot be beholden i~y the minority. The system cannot stop to accommodate the one. Every student has choices to make. One might argue it is the hard choices that make us grow. For some, even a rdatively unobservant Jew, the decision might be simple: go to services, and then catch the second half. And as much as these students would' rather see the whole game, don't expect anybody to do the dirty work-to make the decision easy for them. Allow them to exercise that most liberal of rights ... the right to choose. Mt

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Winston Has Two Daddies SUNDAY MORNING. While all those other suckers are slaving away at church or synagogue, you're lying in your bed, only half conscious. As you doze, you begin co feel a strange, moist object moving back and forth along the surface of your face. Being unable to remember if that cute sixteen year old came home with you last night, you open your eyes, only to find that you are being licked by a brown, hairy El Senor creature that waRts nothing Gufpe more than some attention and perhaps a bowl of water. Does this scenario sound even vaguely familiar? Of course it does! Why, I'll bet that slices of Americana such as this were regular occurrences in your life back at home. How many of us, growing up within the confines of our white picket fences, didn't have a faithful companion of another, lesser species that we used to make up for our lack of real friends? But now you're at U of M, living in a dorm or an apartment, the vast majority of which have one policy in common: NO PETS ALLOWED! How difficult it must be for those of you who have a sensitive heart (unlike mine, which is cold and black) co part with your beloved pit bull, goldfish, or cockroach (mine was named Squirmy!). Now if you're a freshman, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Next year I'm going to move into an apartment where they will let me bring a dog! And I will name him George, and I will hug him and

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squeeze him and cuddle him and . . ... " All I have co say co that is pish posh! Do you realize how difficult it is to find an apartment that would allow such insolence co occur? And even if you are lucky enough to find such a place, it would most likely be among the upper echelons of housing here in Ann Arbor, meaning that you can expect to pay obscenely high rents that are sure co send you plummeting into debt. Moreover, most apartments that allow pets only permit you to bring loser, nerd animals like hamsters and fish as opposed to cool pets like tarantulas, pumas, and homeless people. Sorry friend, it looks like you're out of luck. Stephanie was one such girl who thought she was OUt ofluck. All her college life she had wanted a rabbit. Alas, the Powers That Be had always prevented Steph from realizing her dream . . But this past week, things changed for Steph. You see, Steph just happens co reside in a certain apartment complex on a certain Vaughn Street where a certain wellendowed columnist reigns supreme as Resident Manager. That's right, Steph is a resident of Gufpeland! As those of you who read my last , col u m n remember, my roommate and I, EI Rojo Grande, are the official Resident Managers of an apartment complex in the midst of the Student Quarter of Ann Arbor. Thanks co an uninvolved landlady, certain policies of the building are left up to our discretion, one such policy being pets. Steph, seeing

Horoscopes By

THE MYSTERIOUS WHEELMAKER

o I

LOOK like a psychic? I'm a college student. I don't care that I edit this section, I don't know how that has anything to do with me having co write horoscopes. Is there anybody alive who still believes there are horoscopes? I don't care that the Review needs a horoscope section. Find somebody else to write it. What do you mean I have to do it? Screw that. Fine. Fine. I'll write the stupid horoscopes.

Ares (March 21 - April 19) You'll have a wonderful time not even

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reading your horoscope this week. Who makes it to the last section in the Michigan Review? Has anybody ever read this far? And then co read this obtuse horoscopes section. I could hold down the z button ' for an entire horoscope and nobody except the edicors of this paper would notice I did It.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You mean I have to write real horoscopes? People won't want to read th ese stupid horo scopes? If you keep pushing me, I'll put a color by number in my section. How will you like that for q uality co ntent ? Fine. I'll write real horoscopes.

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this as a golden opportunity to obtain her precious hare, decided co use her feminine wiles co convince the managers into letting her buy a rabbit. Realizing that El Senor Guipe was far coo intelligent to fall for any of her ploys, she decided to focus her attack on Rojo instead. Now I didn't actually witness the negotiations, bue from what I hear, they went something like this: Steph: (in a seductive voice) "Rojo, there's something that I want really had . Can you guess what it is?" EI Rojo Grande: (staring at her breasts) Steph: "Rojo, I need you. I need you co let me have a bunny. Will you do it Rojo? Will you do it for me?" ERG: (staring at her breasts) Upon realizing that she was getting nowhere with Rojo, she brought her request to Guipe and within ten seconds they were on their way to the pet score. Rojo and I decided co tag along in order co laugh at whatever purchase Stephanie ''"-decided to make. Little did we know that the tables were about co turn .. .. . Up 0 n entering the pet score, Rojo and I were faced with a number of rambunctious green parrot-like creatures. Finding ourselves intrigued, we decided co go over and take a look. "I wonder what will happen if I do this,'; I remarked jokingly as I stuck my index finger out, only to be subsequencly bitten by all four parrots and possibly the store owner. A few hours later, the security guard dragged Rojo and myself away from the birds as the store proceeded co close. Later on that evening, Rojo and I made the

decision to buy a parrot. Despite outward appearances, this decision was neither rash, foolish , nor downright stupid. Rojo and I had carefully weighed the pros and cons of investing in such a bird. For example, unlike humans, parrots aren't smart enough co dislike us. Furthermore, everything a parrot says is the result of its training, which means that Rojo and I have complete control over its vocabulary. This allows us co use our parrot not only as a source of enjoyment, but as a valuable cool and weapon. I can see it now .. ... Me: "Well, here we are , my apartment. " Beautiful Girl: "My, what a nice parrot." Parrot: (in a British accent) "I take that as a compliment from such a lovely woman as yourself. Your beauty surpasses that of the goddess Aphrodite." Beautiful Girl: "Oh, and so suave." Me: "Yep, now let's go have sex." Beautiful Woman: "Oh, are you still here?" Lousy birds, always showing me up. Anyway, possibly the biggest decision carne when trying co come up with a name for our feathered friend. Rojo and I came down to a few finalists , including "Reagan," "Regis," "Margaret Thatcher," and, of course, "Jesus." We eventually decided to name it Winston, despite the fact that everyone is sure CO think we're gay. Well, in just six days Winston shall arrive in Guipeland, more proof that when there's a will, there's a way. And what is the lesson of today's column? That's right, the best way to get what you want is co obtain power and abuse the hell oue of it, unless you're a hot girl, in which case you will always get anything you want regardless of your actions. And I do mean anything. ~

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) You'll be elected King of Michigan and lead a revolution in Sri Lanka. You'll also invent a revolutionary new paper clip that can fly to the moon. You will eat chocolate pudding. Cancer Gune 22 - July 22) How do you know that isn't a real horoscope Mr. Review Editor? Maybe I really am psychic. Everybody likes chocolate pudding so it seems like a pretty good assumption that a Gemini would eat chocolate pudding this week. You're not counting these as real horoscopes? Alright Mr. Review Editor, what's your sign? Leo Guly 23 - August 22) You'll edit the Michigan Review this week. T hen you'll spontaneously combust. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Libra (September 23 - O ctober 23)

I have to put down something real? These are horoscopes. Fine. Fine. I'U put down something real. Scorpio (October 24 - November 21) Japan surrenders, World War II ends. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21 ) Now it has to be about the foture? Do I look like I have time for this? , Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)That new show Titans, yeah, that's on at 8:00. 8:00 in the foture. Aquarius Ganuary 20 - February 18) Oh come on, that one was actually a good one. I got that oue ofTY Guide. Its got to be true. What do you mean it has to be relevant? I heard that show was going to be really good. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You quit your position as horoscope writer for the Michigan Review (0 watch Titans. And it's a good show. It is to. !'vR.

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Classical Music: Four to Start With By MICHAEL VEESER

for those of you who have an imerest in classical music and would like to SCllt a collecrion, but don'c know where to scut. If you weren't r:tisW in a musically inclined f.amily, you won't be &miliar enough with the repertoire (0 buy with confidence. I was in Ihis posicion a while ago and simply had to jump , in the water. hoping I could swim. You'll be bener off after reading this article. Perhaps the best pla_ce for a pop music fan (0 SCllt is with Baroque music. Baroque music resembles twentieth century pop music in rwo importanr respects: first, it often has a very steady beat; second. it generally features simple emotions directly expressed. , Unlike Romantic music, Baroque music lacks the schmalczyaura that may turn off a modem listener. rf you start a collection of classical music with the Baroquc era. then logically you will stJUt with the music of Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750), the finest Baroque musician and one of hiSlory's greatest artistic personalities. All pieces recommended below are by Bach. lr is best to buy music in quicksucccssion from three , or ·four diffcrent genres. After hearing a repr~ntativc piett from each genre. you can emphasize the genre you like best for further lisrening. The suggested genres are solo violin. harpsichord, small orchestra, and organ. When buying CDs, keep in mind that there is a gTeat ovctSUpply of IciUed musicians. This means that thc 'average recording is of very high quality. and it is hanl to go wrong. Thus. buying c/,up n=cordings is the best mategy. This is not ,the advice you will gec from clcrks in music stores, since they want you to spend more. Thc first rccommendation is thc "Partita no.2 in D Minor- for solo violin. A pllrrilll is a suite (series) of dance-like movements. They are M dance-likc" not because one should actU21ly dance to them, HL\. ARm:. I£ IS

but ruher because when one listens to them without moving, one experiences the feeling of a dance. A5 is usually me casc with pieces in D minor, the pamta is serious and tragic. The last movement, the chacon n~, is as long as the other four movements combined, thus dominating the piece. It is a challenging test of skill for a violinist. Recommended recording: 2 CD ser of Arthur Grum.iaux performing ibch's Sonaw and Parow for Solo Violin ($ t7, Phillips Records). All six pieces on the set are superb, and the set is a good buy. Grumiaux's recording is surely one

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co ncenos in (he se t, all-no exaggerarion-ou[$tanding. The so lo instruments vary form piece to piece. "Concerto no.5," for examplc, fe:uurcs violin. harpsichord. and flute solos, whilc ........ onceno no.2- has solos for violin, recorder, oboe, and trumpet. These pieces are light. pleasant diversions, and were played outdoors ar the coon of a German prince of the timc. They are wonderful public works giving easy pleasurc. Recommended recording: Orchestra of the Enligh(enmeoc's recording of the Brandenburg Conccnos on rwo CDs for only $12 (Virgin Rccords). Most recordings of the concertos arc fine. look for recordings on period instruments that are cheap, like this one. The last recommended CD is a compilation of organ works. The organ was B-ach's favorite instrument. During his life Bach was moSt famous as a skilled organist. Judging from his best organ works, Bach was very lilccJy an exuberant show-off on the organ. With these pieces, you just rum up the volume and lose com:aGt with your surroundingsthey are of overwhelming power. Recommended recording: various organ works playcd by Simon Preston on Deutschc Grammophon Records, including the locatta and Fuguc in D Minor-, the "Fantasia in G Major", and the · Prelude and Fugue in &Bar Major". At S 17 for a singlc disk. dUs onc violates the "buy cheap· rule. but it's an amazing recording. 1 havc listened (0 scveral different recordings of each of the tbrcc organ picc:es above. and this one CD has my favorite versions ofa/J thru ofthnn. Well, there you have it. Works by Bach for violin, harpsichord, small orchestra. and organ that will introduce you immediately to the very best of Baroque music- the era of classical music most accessible to today's pop music &.0. Mt

Baroque music resembles twenUf:'" century pop music in two imponan respects: first, it often has a very steady beat; second, it generaUy features simple emotions directly expressed.' of the best recordings of these demanding works. The second rcc:ommencbcion is the "Chromatic Fantasia and Fugue" for harpsichord. This is a two-part piece. Thc second part, th , fUtur. is :l fine moYm\coc, but it's the flnlllSia chat you'lI listen to over and over. This is a brilliant, showy work with abrupt changes in key and mood. and resembles thc music of Chopin from some hundred ycars later. Recommcnded rccording: almost any recording for harpsichord (not piano) is fine, but a gmtt buy for S12 is a 2 CO ~t of various Bach harpsichord works played by Maggie Cole (Virgin Records). A big bonus on this recording is thc inclusjon of the "Goldberg Variations," Bach's moS[ important harpsichord piece, and my favorite. Thc third recommencbtion [0 Start your collection is the MBrandenburg Concertos." A concerto is a piece for orchestra that promincndy features an instrumental soloist. There arc six

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Umcron vs. the Death Star Unicron, Demi-god/Planet Killer

THIS BATIlE of planets that destroy other planets in their path with their devastating power, it is quite clear that Unicron, first introduced in Transformers: the Movie (TF:TM) would handily defeat the Death Star of Star Wars fame, in either its Star Wars or Rerum of the Jedi configuration. After careful examination, they're not really similar at all, with Unicron having a sizable advantage over the two Death Stars. In arguing for Unicron, the only thing that has to be said is this: the Death Stars, both of them, were mere space stations, crewed by carbon-based life forms. Unicron , on the other hand, is a sentient being. Therefore, decisions are made instantly instead of being shuffled through the thousands that are needed to run the Death Star. U~icron is simply more versatile. He is capable of transforming from planet mode to humanoid mode and maneuvering as such, able to dodge any bolts of energy fired from the Death Star. Fighters from the Death Star would also be ineffective, as demonstrated in TF: TM when Decepticon jets scrambled from Cyberrron in a futile effort to fend off Unicron when he attacked that planet. None of them were able to even make a dent in Unicron, and although a subsequent attack by the Dinobots was able to produce some "Proceed on your way to oblivion." v.s surface damage, it was negligible at best. On the other hand, mere fighters destroyed both Death Stars. Proponents of the Death Star may point out that the second Death Star was invincible until its shield generator on the forest moon of Endor was disabled, but what is stopping Unicron from eating Endor first, if not just transforming and tearing the shield generator out with his bare hands? The main argument used by Death Star proponents is the use of the· Death Star's main gun. This gun was used to great effect in Star Wars in destroying the planet of A1deraan, but its effectivepess against Unicron would be questionable. A1deraan is a runof-the-mill planet presumably made primarily of earth, while Unicron is a fully functioning planet sized machine made of unearthly metals. Unicron was able to withstand the detonation of one of Cybertron's moons halfway within him without even a scratch. Also, the main gun is probably the only weapon on the Death Star capable of even making Unicron flinch, and it is on a fixed mount. All Unicron would have to do is to simply transform from planet mode and maneuver himself so that he will always be behind the Death Star and he could simply start tearing apart the Death Star, just as he did when he attacked Cybertron. Finally, one aspect ofUnicron that is never discussed is his status as a demi-god in the Transformer universe. In TF:TM, he demonstrated his omniscience by knowing about the death Optimus Prime and the transfer of the Matrix to Prime's successor, Ultra Magnus, although he was not present or otherwise informed. He is also able to manufacture ships at will and create new bodies for mortally wounded transformers, like when he resurrected Megatron as Galvatron . And perhaps most importantly, he admits that the only thing that can destroy him is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, which the Death Star does not have. The only obvious advantage that the Death Star has is that is has a hyperdrive. This would seem to give the Death Star a distinct speed advantage, as Unicron has only been seen creeping along in planet mode. What Unicron may lack in speed however, he more than makes up for in endurance. Unicron is thousands, if not millions of years old and can easily get more energy by gobbling up any unforrunate planet that gets in his way. Once it has recharged, it can easily resume its chase and eventually, it will catch up with the Death Star. In conclusion, the facts speak for themselves. There is not any strong indication that any of the Death Star's weapons can inflict any significant damage upon Unicron. Meanwhile, it is known that Unicron devours planets, even metallic planets like the moons of Cybemon and presumably, Lithone (the planet that was eaten in the beginning of TF:TM.) Both Death Stars were destroyed with all hands lost when attacked by fighters. Unicron, at least his body, was destroyed, but it was only by unleashing the power of the Matrix, the most powerful force in the Transformers universe, just as he had predicted. Yet even after the complete destruction of his body, Unicron's head lived on, even still having the power to grant bodies to dead transformers, like the time he granted Starscream's ghost a new body. In the bartle of the planet killers, Unicron, the omniscient demi-god, is the obvious hands down winner. I\R N

THE

The Ultimate Power in the Universe

DEATH STAR. Death Star. Even the name is menacing. That's before you even think about what it can do. The thing destroys planets so completely that Han Solo thought he had run into an asteroid field when he came across the remains of A1deraan. The late Admiral Motti once said ''This station is now the ultimate power in the Universe," and he was right. In the Star Wars Universe, the Death Star was unbeatable. Think about it, the Empire comes down and says, hey, we're going to take over your planet, or blow it up. Not just your house, or your town, the whole planer.That's not much of a choice, since you're screwed either way. But the Empire is in a total win-win situation, since they either get control of more people, or eliminate anyone who opposes them. Sure, the Death Star got blown up, but that was total luck on the side of the rebels. I mean, that exhaust port was only two meters wide, which is pretty much impossible. Not even the squad leader, Red 1, could hit that exhaust port. So Luke Skywalker, with his rudimentary grasp of the force, experience from shooting womp rats in his T-16 Skyhopper back home, and Han "That's no moon, it's a space station." Solo flying in at the last moment to save his ass from getting shot by Darth Vader, lucks out and blows the thing to bits. But you know what, that doesn't matter, because the Empire didn't consider a oneman fighter to be a threat, otherwise their defenses would have been tighter. Put simply, anything bigger than an X-wing is going to get its ass kicked by the Death Star, and that would most certainly include Unicron. Now I know what you're saying, "Only the Matrix can defeat Unicron," right? Wrong. Did any of the Transformers have a moon-sized space station with a giant laser on it? No, they didn't. Quite simply, the Death Star would rip Unicron a new one, and then it would rip him a second new one if he were lucky enough to survive the first blast. I'll admit it, Unicron is pretty strong, but he simply doesn't match up to the Death Star. Let's say he lucks out and manages to avoid the giant, planet-destroying laser. Then he's going to try the whole planet-swallowing trick. Well, too bad because the Death Star can move, which gives it a distinct advantage over the·inanimate objects that Megratron usually picks on. The Death Star even moves faster than Unicron. I mean, how long did the Rebels have before the Death Star got in firing range of their secret hideout? Fifteen minutes. Compare that to Unicron, who took about half the freaking movie to make it from . Cybertron's moon to Cybertron itself. Now lets look at how the Death Star works. Basically those guys with the crazy looking helmets pull some levers, the laser shoots, and the planet is blown up. Compare this to Unicron, who takes much longer. So much longer in fact, that people can acrually escape. What kind of crap is that? That's not an ultimate killing machine. Honestly, Unicron would be much more menacing if he would just get off his ass and move faster. Even after he's done destroying planets he takes his sweet time. I mean, how long did it take before Spike and Bumblebee were about to be dropped into that pit of lava. If the Death Star had destroyed the moon of Cybemon, Spike and Bumblebee wouldn't even have made it to the end of the movie, which would have been a good thing, cause Spike was almost as annoying as his bratty little kid. Don't even get me started on the second Death Star, because that would have destroyed Unicron before he even had a chance to transform. I mean, it had a much more accurate laser that could shoot down ships. It could probably take pot shots at Unicron's sissylooking wing-like appendages on his back before cranking the power up to full whup-ass and putting a hold in his toros. Not even a Super Star Destroyer crashing into the Death Star II's surface could mess it up, and that was when it was inc~mplete. Remember when Unicron got his eye busted when those junk guys drove their crazy spiraling ship into it? He wasn't doing so hot after that, was he? It wouldn't even put a dent in Death Star II, assuming the Transformers would have the resources to take down the shield surrounding the new Death Star, and I'm not so sure those adorable lirtle Ewoks would have taken sides with giant robots that can turn themselves into looking like cars. In short, Unicron wouldn't last five minutes against the Death Star. We all know it to be true. That giant laser would power up, rip Unicron in half, and we'd hear his Orson Welles voice going "Nooooooo" before you can say "The force is strong in this one" I\R

By Michael Austin

By James Y. Yeh

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