vol_19_no_7

Afl...tnnative Action Lawsuit Shenanigans .

By

Judicial Wrangling Almost Upsets Trial

MICHAEL VEESER

T

HE AFFIRMATIVE ACTION lawsuits againSt two University of Michigan units that are currently proceeding through the federal court system have received quite a bit of attention from the press. These lawsuits are of national importance and accordingly have been reported on ,extensively in the press at allievel&-from the Michigan Daily all the way up to the New York Times. Given the attention paid to this issue, it is curious that a highly unusual procedural maneuver by the Chief Judge of the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan, Southern Division, Judge Anna Diggs Taylor, has to this author's knowledge gone entirely unreported.

This maneuver has been described in an opinion by another judge in the same district and division, District Judge

Bernard Friedman, as a "violat{ion) of her legal and ethical duty." This is exceptionally sharp language to use about a fellow judge.

Considering the seriousness of Judge Friedman's allegations, this matter needs a full airing in the press.

Before describing the suspect procedure, it would be appropriate to briefly bring the reader up to date on the current status of the suits.

The ' two 1 a w sui t s con t est i n admissions preferences for some minority students at the University of Michigan are entering a critiati phase of litigation . In each case the plaintiffs are white applicants

Scholars Oppose Universities' Sweatshop Policies By

protests in Seattle and is seeking to disseminate information via papers and policy statements regarding international trade policy. It is directed by a steering committee of 6 professors, two of which, Alan Deardorff and Robert Stern, are among the University of Michigan faculty and are codirectors of the Research Seminar in International Economics, a joint operation of Michigan's school of public policy and economics department.

The ACIT's criticism of the universities' decision-making regarding anti-sweatshop codes is that the decisions were heavily influenced by activist group intimidation and did not give adequate consideration to

MATTHEW FRANCZAK

T

HE ACADEMIC CONSORTIUM on International Trade (ACIT), which consists of lawyers and economists specializing in international trade policy and economic law, released a letter to university presidents that critiCizes the manner in which universities reached decisions regarding sweatshop policies and the objectives of the Fair Labor Association (FLA) and Worker Rights Consortium (WRC). The letter was signed by roughly 200 scholars from universities and other orga:ruzation~ and released on July 29, 2000.

ACIT was inspired by the WTO

2

Serpent's Tooth

Hmm, with all the election crap going on the last two weeks, I wonder what's going to dominate Serpent's...

See Sweatshop page 7

4

From Suite One

Tragedy strikes our campus once more, and we get another blast from the past.

to units of the University of Michigan who were allegedly denied admission in part because some places were obtained by minority applicants with lower numerical attributes.

One suit, Gratz and Hamacher v.

Bollinger, et al. (hereinafter, the LS&A case), c hall eng e s a Hi r mat i v e act ion admissions policies at the undergraduate college .

Judge Patrick Duggan, who is presiding over 'this case, has just ruled tllls past Thursday that the LS&A case will be decided without trial.

This procedure is appropriate in this case

because neither side is contesting the relevant facts-i.e., that the school gives preference to some f!1inority applicants in its admission decisions. Those favored are mostly black, Hispanic, and Native American applicants. In addition, neither side disagrees to any significant degree over the actual scheme used to favor minority applicants. Thus, this civil case entirely concerns matters of law. When a civil case cOncerns only matters of law, it is decided by a judge, and does nor go before a jury.

The second suit, Grutter v. Bollinger, et al. (hereinafter, the Law School case), challenges a comparable system of minority admission preferences at the Law School.

This suit is before Judge Friedman-the same Judge Friedman quoted above. It remains to be seen whether Judge Friedman will find contested issues of fact that require

See Lawsuit, Page 3

Encounters with the Left

The Creature from the Liberal Lagoon Welcome to our newJeaturt, Encounters with the Left. This section will feature real encounters that ordinary students like Ruben andAdam Dancy have had with the campus Left when they try to peac4UlIy exprtSS their idras that, God forbid, run counter to the ideas ofthe ufo. Have you had an Encounter with the Left? want to let the rest ofyour follow students know? Email us at mrro@umich.edu By

RUBEN DURAN

y:

U'VE REALLY GOT to hand it to the aggressive liberal groups on . campus. They really go our of their way to shove their drivel down your throat.

Being the "oppressed minority" that I am,

I receive em ails from leftist groups almost daily. What follows below are excerpts from a letter addressed to me from Ms. Agnes A1eobua, noted BAMN activist and DAAP affiliate. Listed below each of the selections from her letter are my responses. This,was sem to an undisclosed group on campus.

Man, they'll let me get away with anything here, won't they?

"I have read emails in response to the possible election of Bush to presidency. I also understand that people having been expressing that there is still "hopeÂť because of the recount in Florida. No matter who wins

5-.6 Columns

8

The Country Gent is back. expressing ideas for a new century ... the 18th century.

Plus, our token Ubertarian fights the good Libertarian

The Conservatives are coming, the Conservatives are coming! Yup, the AlA conference is coming to Ann Arbor. Liberals, break out those

Campus Affairs

See Encounters page 7

14

El Senor GuJpe

El Sef\or Gulpe walks the thin line between comedy and threatening the life of the President of the United States.

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Page 2

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Wow, how about that porn feature in the Daily last week? You know, one would've thought that we would've been the first to publish a feature about Deja Vu, considering EI Senor Guipe's numerous fact-finding missions to there during the summer.

Really though, did they have to devote an entire Weekend edition to porn? Are they really that hard up for readers?

Top Ten Things Not In Question About the Election 10. Lyndon LaRouche only sees this as a temporary setback.

9. Nader captured the damned-dirty• hippie demographic.

8. Unpopular Party (Reform) + Unpopular Candidate (Buchanan) =Major Constituency (ConfUsed old people.)

7. Everybody's votes counts, assuming of course, they live in a swing state with lots of electors.

6. The State of Florida can hold twice its weight in lawyers.

5. Retractions should not use the words "I was just kidding" and "NOT!" 4. Looking back, Ross Perot was the "sane one" in the Reform Party.

3. The budget surplus magically expands at determined by spending plans.

2. Mutual incompetence prevents negative campaigning.

1. There's no such thing as too much election coverage.

Fox News was the first network to call the election for Bush on election night, which forced the other major networks to call it for Bush too. This leadership in the news has prompted Fox News to call the 20.04 election a resounding victory for President George W. Bush, and the 20.0.8 election, a squeaker in which J.e. Watts' defeats Martin Sheen and Jesse Ventura in a three way race.

If we learned anything from the election, it's that AI Gore Aip-flops 011 the issues. First he conceded, then he doesn't.

Come on AI, pick one! Meer nearly two weeks, our nation's president elect has st ill not yet been determined. And we thought the only embarrassment we would suffer would be having one of these two in office.

Two suspects were arrested after they allegedly stole a Palm Beach voting machine and trying to sell it online. Their planned defense is that they were simply' trying to vote for Gore but became confused by the ballot.

Guide To Hand Recounting, as provided by the Gore campaign: ,t.. -~ -'to " ".' . , .~ ""\. . \.

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1. Is the chad in the Gore hole punched out?

Yes: Go to step 6 No: Go to step 2 2. Is the Gore c~ad hanging by the corners?

Yes: Go to step 6 .

No: Go to step 3 3. Is the Gore chad indented?

Yes: Go to step 6 No: Go to step 4 4. Not even a little?

Yes: Go to step 6 No, Go to step 5 5. Slightly push the Gore chad in and go to step 1.

6. Is Gore the only candidate marked?

Yes: Go to step 8 No: Go to step 7 7. Try placing a punched out chad in the other candidate's hole. Does it stay?

Yes: Go to step 8 No: Add a little glue and try agalll.

8. The voter obviously wanted Gore for president. Make sure this ballot is counted.

Former Vietnam War protester and soon-to-be-former president Bill Clinton recently stated that after having been president, he understands that LBJ was doing what he though was the right thing by escalating the Vietnam War. With this Clinton succeeded in his goal to flip-flop on every stance he has ever held.

Beaver College in Pennsylvania, after years of jokes and ridicule, has decided to officially change their name to Arcadia University. Beaver College on the internet, however, will still be there, with tuition still at only $9.99 a month.

BD.PB.

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan "'(4MU

. . eh Editor-ill-Chit!, James Jostin Wilson

Michael O. Austin naging Ed/fO

ttbew Franczak National

irs Edlfor

R. Colin Painter Senior Edilor

The first runner up in a Thai beauty pageant returned her prize money and confessed that she was actually a man after several other contestants accused him/her of "unfair competltion.

Unfair competition at a beauty pageant? What,· was there a "write your name in the snow" competition in this beauty pageant?

Following a loss to Michigan this weekend, riots broke out at Ohio State University, resulting in 29 arrests, 129 fires, 1 stabbing, and at least five cars destroyed.

Man, if these Buckeyes did this after every . year after they lost to us, Columbus should look like Beirut or East Lansing by now.

Well, MSA elections are finally over.

See how Doug Tietz won a seat in LSA and DAAP won nine overall, it looks like we won either way. We now have a good MSA rep in the form of old Doug, and we broke our endorsements losing streak. We thought we'd never say this, but thank you DAAP!

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Actor Martin Sheen was arrested for at least the second time over the weekend during a protest at the Army's School of the Americas in Ft. Benning, GA. Well, with a record like his, maybe he really should be president.

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rN~\~~~~ 22. 2000

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW -

LAWSUIT Continued from Page 1 the Law School case to go to trial.

Now back to the controversy itself.

The controversy started when the University's lawyers Hied a motion to combine the cases under Duggan, the judge in the LS&A case. This result was desirable from the University's perspective because Duggan, a Democratic Party appointee, was (and is) considered more likely to uphold the U-M's Affirmative Action system than Friedman, the judge in the Law School case and a Republican Party appointee . The' relevant opinion of Friedman bears the lengthy title of 'Opinion and Order Striking August 6, 1998, "Opinion" of Judges Feikens and Cook and Opinion and Order Denying Defendants' Motion for an Order Designating Actions as Companion Cases' and was published August 17, 1998. In it, Judge Friedman reported that the Defendant U-M's lawyers had filed a motion with Judge Taylor requesting that the LS&A and Law School cases be combined into one case under one of two rubrics: first, that the Chief}udge reassign the Law School case under Local Rule 83.11(b)(2) to Judge Duggan, who presumably would then combine it in one case with the LS&A case. Second, in the alterqative, the U-M asked Judge Friedman to declare the cases "companion cases" under Local Rule 83. 11 (b) (7)(A) . This also would serve to combine the cases. It is not clear which judge would then get to hear the case, but clearly the U-M's lawyers were hoping it would not be Friedman.

Both methods posed problems from the University's perspective. The second method" declaring the cases companion cases, was unlikely to be favorable to the U-M, because, under the relevant local rule, LR 83. 11 (b) (7) (A), the issue will be decided by the trial judge being asked to

same transaction or occurrence involving the same or related parties. These cases do not come close to meeting the criteria, according to Friedman's opinion. Different evidence is being offered in each trial because LS&A and the Law School are separate units with their own admissions offices and systems. Furthermore, there is little overlap in parties on either side, other . than Lee Bollinger, as law school dean in the law school case, and Bollinger as University President in the LS&A case.

The applicant groups to the Law School and to LS&A do not overlap at all. Since the application groups are separate, the applications filed and actions taken on them do not qualifY as the same action or occurrence.

Reassignment is also unlikely to work for the Defendants because, even if the ChiefJudge were to rule in the U-M's favor, the reassignment must still be approved by both the ceding judge (Friedman) and the receiving judge (Duggan). Again, all roads go through Friedman.

The U-M's lawyers faced a further problem. Chief Judge Taylor is married to University of Michigan Regent S. Martin Taylor. Thus there is a potential conflict of interest, since, as regent, Mr. Taylor is a Defendant in both suits. Judge Taylor recognized this and recused herself, pursuant to 28 U.s.C Sec. 455. According to Judge Friedman's opinion, Judge Taylor had two lawful procedures she could then follow to select a judge to rule on the assignment question. She could follow a . federalstarute (28 U.S.C Sec. 136(e» and select the "district judge (in the district) . . . who is next in precedence," that is, she could designate the next most senior judge serving in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan, Southern Division. Alternately according to Friedman's opinion, if she determined that the federal statute did not apply she could follow Local Rules 83.11(a)(l) and

To be companion cases, substantially the same evidence must be offered in both the LS&A and Law School trials and the cases must arise out of the same transaction or occurrence involving the same or related parties. These cases do not come close to meeting the criteria, according to Friedman's opinion. cede jurisdiction over the case. which would allow Judge Friedman to decide the issue. Basically, to be companion cases, substantially the same evidence must be offered in both the LS&A and Law School trials and the cases must arise out of the , ;

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83.11(d)(l) and use a "random method" to select a judge from the district to decide the matter. Neither procedure allows a recused Chief District Judge to influence a matter by personally selecting the judges who decide the question. Why not?

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According to a legal treatise concerning 28 U.s.C Sec. 455 which is quoted by Judge Friedman "this would violate the statutory command that the disqualified judge be removed from all participation in the case ... and might create suspicion that the disqualified judge will select a successor whose views are consonant with his own."

Yet, this is precisely what Judge Taylor did. Having disqualified herself, Judge Taylor then named a two-judge panel of Judges John Feikens and Julian Abele Cook, Jr. to decide the issues in the U-M's motion. According to Judge Friedman, it was in this action that Judge Taylor "violated her legal and ethical duty by selecting the legal officers who were to act in her stead."

The two judge panel went on to declare the cases "companion cases" within the meaning of local rule Local Rule 83.11 (b)(7) (A). This is curious since the

31

various cases. One item missing from the Law School case docket (G runer v.

Bollinger, er al.) is the ve ry opinion in which Judge Friedman criticizes the conduct of Chief Judge Taylor. If you would like to read this opinion for yourself, you can escape the U-M's self-serving censorship by connecting to the Center for Individual Right's website (www.cirusa.org/recent_case sl grutter_v_bollinger.html). There you will find the full text of Judge Friedman's opinion of August 17, 1998.

As the two lawsuits play out over the next several months, it's worth reflecting that a bit of the proceduarl chicannery nearly decided the case at the trial court level. Had Judge Taylor's maneuver succeeded, the case would've been consolidated in the hands of a Democratically appointed judge considered more favorable to the

If one connects to the University of Michigan website ... which makes available the filings and opinions in these two cases .•. one will find an almost complete record of the various cases.

One item missing from the Law School case docket (Grutter v. Bollinger, et al.) is the very opinion in which Judge Friedman criticizes' the conduct of Chief Judge Taylor. two-judge panel was acting in the Chief Judge's stead, and Judge Friedman, not Chief Judge Taylor, is em powered .(0 determine whether the two lawsuits really are companion cases. Accordingly, Judge Friedman's opinion voided the decision of the two-judge panel and denied the U-M's motion to declare the two lawsuits companIOn cases.

This whole incident raises a number of questions. Not the least of those questions is whether any of the actors in this drama-the Chief Judge, the twojudge panel, or the University's lawyersshould be sanctioned or reprimanded in any way for their participation in a procedure that a respected District Judge has termed "unlawful."

Just how embarrassing this matter is to the Defendant U-M can be gauged by one simple fact. If one connects to the University of Michigan website (www.umich.edu/-urel/admissionsllegal) which makes available the filings and opinions in these two cases--<:ollectively known as the docket for the case---one will find an almost complete record of the

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Defendants, UM. A~ it now stands, the Plaintiffs position is now much better than it would have been. THe Plaintiffs will very likely have a forcefully phrased favorable position by Judge Friedman to defend an appeal. After an appeal to the liberal 6th Circuit Appeals Court, where Plaintiffs will very likely lose, the case will probably proceed to the Supreme Court. Once there, some of Judge Friedman's reasoning may very well appear in a Supreme Court opinion or dissent. Had ChiefJudge Taylor and her two judge panel gotten their way, Judge Friedman's opinion would not have been written at all. ::t 1 *

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• FROM SUITE

ONE

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Dies

I

HE HEADLINE SAYS it all: " Student dies 3.fter drinking binge" wenty shots in ten minutes. That is how long it took to kill an engineering student. Is that how you would want to spend your twenty-ftrst birthday? It is surprising that there are not more cases like this. For every one story that gets printed in the newspaper, there are probably a hundred cases of heavy drinking around college campuses.

Students are left allover campus passed out from excessive drinking, close to death.

Statistics from the Students Guide to Drinking states that as many as 360,000 of the nation's 12 million undergraduates

trashed" and "beyond wasted" after parties as if it were something to be proud of.

Many are just lucky that someone didn't take advantage of them while ther were under the influence.

Even though these parties seem safe, being surrounded by friends and all, the fact is, 78% of all rape victims know their attacker. Date rape usually occurs when a man and woman are alone in a room, apartment or car. The use of alcohol increases this risk. C.-onsider this: 55% of female students and 75% of male students involved in acquaintance rape had been under the influence or alcohol or drugs.

Not all drinking is bad. However, it will die from ~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~ when alcohol-related begins to causes while in control one's school. This is actions more than the something number who needs to be will receive don e .

M.A. and Students Ph.D. degrees complain to combined. that their Sin c e grades are college is the bad and ftrst time for • need to be many students brought up.

Nonethdess, to drink when they want, they 'J' ~, they still go out to take advantage ofit. Students parties every drink at parties; that is all there is to do. weekend. The next day will most likely be Being away from home, with hundreds of spent wearing off the hang over. other underage students drinking, makes Statistics show that drinking and drinking seem acceptable. The fact that grades have a direct correlation on each it is illegal has no relevance. other. On college campuses, alcohol is a Showing up at a parry and drinking factor in 41 % of all academic problems, as much as possible before the keg goes and 28% of all dropouts. More than 7% dry or the police come to break up the of college freshmen drop out of school for party is all part of the fun. It is this kind alcohol-related reasons, causing more than of behavior, binge drinking, that is the $261 in tuition to be lost cause of many problems for college Stereotyping every fraternity or students. sorority member or all freshmen and Binge drinking is when a person college student that drinks will not solve consumes five or more drinks in one the problem. Being aware and concerned sitting. Walking into a parry with a sixwith the number of alcohol-related pack of beer and drinking it before hitting tragedies occurring on campuses every year the dance floor is a normal thing to do on may. This is a big deal; classmates are the weekends. Students drink an dying. estimated four billion cans of beer a year.

Drinking into a drunken stupor, with If this problem is not a big deal, a blood alcohol level high enough to put consider this: Half of college men and you in the hospital, is fun? Is it worth 37% of college women can be classified risking a future for? What about frieRds as binge drinkers. The statistics are four and fumily that worry every time they know times higher for those that belong to a loved one is out drinking? fraternities and sororities. With this large Drink responsibly. If someone is smart consumption of alcohol, it is not enough to go to college, they should be surprising that college students spend $5.5 smart enough to know when to cut billion each year on alcohol-more than themselves off. It only takes one night of soda pop. tea, milk, juice, coffee and text binge drinking to take a life.Mt books combined.

Srude~ 'pMdaitn 'chat they were "so

Stereotyping every fraternity or sorority member or all freshmen and college student that drinks will not solve the problem. Being aware and concerned with the number of alcohol-related tragedies occurring on campuses every year ma". This is a bio deal· classmates are dying.

U - M Should Promote

Ideological Diversity

T

HIS PAST YEAR at U-M has seen the continuation of A disturbing trend: a continuous stream of liberal to fur left speakers have visited Ann Arbor to share their "wisdom" with adoring crowds ofU-M faculty, administrators, and wide-eyed students. So fur, we have been treated to Gloria Stcinem, Greenpeace founder Paul Watson, lunatic gubernatorial candidate Geoffrey Fieger, masturbation evangelist Jocelyn Elders, racial preferences apologist William Bowen, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and just this past weekend, ultraliberal Minnesota senator Paul Wellstone.

On the rare occassions when conservatives have appeared, they have done so not as individuals but as part of panels--such as Elizabeth Dole's participation at a recent U-M panel on women in politics, or Abigail Thernstrom's appearance at a "Diversity Theme Semester" event.

Similarly, the U-M has hosted a veritable cornucopia of bizarre radical conferences and workshops this year. The Review has chronicled many of these, including a recent lecture by radical feminist Carol Adams on "The Sexual Politics of Meat," a workshop on the evils of "white privilege," and last but not least, the "Diversity" theme semester.

This trend is nothing new or surprising. In October 1997 we published an analysis of the political leanings of campus speakers ("Campus Speakers: Too Left?" October 29,1997) which found that during a two year period, over 75% of UM campus speakers whose speeches included political content could be classified as "tending liberal."

For an institution that constantly engages in moral preening about its gallant defense of "diversity," Michigan is doing a pitiful job of providing students with a balanced variety of political viewpoints.

True education comes when a person is exposed to many different ideas and is allowed to judge them on their merits.

Similarly, an institution shows true "diversity" and intellectual courage when it can offer a platform for speakers who may challenge that institution's fundamental assumptions and worldview.

Thus, the University should make a better effort to offer students alternatives to the homogeneous slate of speakers and events that currently comes to campus. For every race-baiting ideologue like Jesse Jackson, there exist distinguished black and Hispanic conservatives like Thomas Sowell, Shelby Steele, and Linda Chavez, all of whom could offer students a much different and just as compelling take on racial issues as Jackson. For every radical feminist like Steinem, there are ~telligent lltld eloquent critics 'of radt'cll fetnibism~

such as Christina Hoff Sommers or Wendy Shalit.

Bringing in such alternative speakers would bring a welcome breath of ftesh air to the University's political discourse. This is not to say that the campus would suddenly become ardently conservative if these speakers were brought to U-M. However, as we noted in our 1997 report, a general trend towar~ one direction or the other in the political leanings of speakers can serve as a "reinforcement" mechanism, helping students who already lean towards a particular poli tical viewpoint gain more conviction in their beliefs. Conversely, by bringing in a set of ideologically diverse speakers, the U-M could challenge students to reassess their current beliefs--a key goal of a liberal education.

Since it is not unexpected that the administration and relevant student groups (MSA, UAC etc.) have failed to provide ideological balance, a good deal of the blame for this state of affairs must also rest at the feet of conservative and libertarian groups on campus, such as the College Republicans, Objectivists, College Libertarians, the Law School's chapter of the Federalist Society, and yes, even the Review. We cannot recall a single important, relatively well known rightleaning speaker that these groups have brought to U-M within the past year. To be fair, these groups lack the institutional backing and University resources that are usually provided to the groups who bring in leftist speakers. However, there are many conservative groups, such as the Intercollegiate Studies Institute and Young America's Foundations, who respond to the political homogeneity of campus speakers, by sponsoring the appearance of articulate and forceful conservatives on college campuses.

A solution to the imbalance would appear to lie in a combination of greater grassroots efforts by campus conservatives and libertarians to bring in like-minded speakers, and more thoughtful consideration by the administration and student leadership (MSA, etc.) of their duty to provide the campus with a wide range of viewpoints. Thus, we hope, for instance, that the U-M takes advantage of next year's "Morality Theme Semester" to find relevant speakers who promote traditional values, free markets, and the free society.

Only then can the U-M say that it truly possesses the vaunted "marketplace of ideas" which is supposed to be such a vital aspect of the college experience. ~

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The Election of 2000 The Dawn of a New Republic

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IKE MANY OTHER Americans, I was (to paraphrase Jackie Chiles) shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied by the debacle of our national elections-the conditions in the Florida elections specifically were excessive, egregious,... PREPOSTEROUS! Bur I soon realized this election may perhaps be a great bellwether for future elections, and in turn could present very new real challenges (and opportunities) our for American brand of democracy. To . put it mildly, R. Colm this is the best Painter thing to happen to the way our country holds its elections in its 200+ year history.

"Wait, how can that be? I thought the debacle in Florida was terrible! And what ' about New Hampshire, New Mexico, Oreg~>n, etc.?" At first, this election may have appeared to retard the best intentions of our democratic processes. And certainly, it has created in many Americans路a strong distaste for that rather curious animal, the Electoral College. But you may recall that our current method for electing our most important politicians is not the one first envisioned by our founding fathers, one which this editor has been pining for much more in recent days. Time for a quick history lesson: American democracy is not founded on the idea of efficiency, by any means.

Rather, American democracy was intentionally created to be slow, methodical, and highly inefficient. Had our founders wanted efficiency, and if efficiency equals simplicity, then we would have placed our faith in a Great Despotism, tather than our Great Republic.

And a republic it is (or was). Many of the founding fathers , Jefferson and Hamilton among them; felt the average citizen was neither educated not enlightened enough to be trusted with a vote. And even those deemed worthy, the great landowning aristocrats of the late 18th century, were only meant to vote for their Representatives in Congress. The Senate was filled by the state legislatures, and indeed, Senators were not elected by popular vote until the 17th Amendment was passed, ....in 1913!

What about the Presidency? The electoral college was created to elect our President. The reason for its inception was

political expediency. Firstly, it was meant placate the South-slaves were partially counted in the census (they were considered to be 3/5's of one person) to determine the number of representatives the southern states could send to Congress, yet slaves could not vote. Besides, how do you count 3/5's of a person in an election?

You don't; you simply use them to magnifY the votes cast by the white landowners, which are used to elect electors to the electoral college.

The other major reason for an electoral was the compromise in the creation of the Congress--divided into a House and Senate to preserve the power of both large and small states. Small states to

it was very much removed from the hands of the common man.

All fine and good you say, but what does an antiquated vision of an obsolete Republic have to do with this election here and now, in the year 2000? The House and Senate are elected popularly, women and minorities can vote, as can the poor and uneducated, and the Electoral College hasn't defied the popular vote since the election of Benjamin Harrison over Grover Cleveland in 1888 (though the 1960 election of Kennedy over Nixon is debatable). If anything, our nation is more a democracy than a Republic, no matter what the intentions of our founding fathers were. So who cares what the system was

Many of the founding fathers, Jefferson and Hamilton among them, felt the average citizen was neither educated nor enlightened enough to be trusted with a vote. clamored to have a greater voice in Presidential elections. Small states with only one Congressman in the House (called an "at-large-Congressman"), would have little if any influence in an election were it not for the two "freebie" electoral votes they get for their senators. Electoral votes are given to each state based on the number of representatives and Senators they send to Congress. So, small states like WYoming, which have only a very small population, have their voting power effectively trebled in a national election (because even the smallest states still get two senators).

The founders of our Republic were not creatures of party, like our modern politicians. They did not envision a government ruled by political parties, and crafted the methodology for electing our President with that beliefin mind. Electors were meant to balance the will of the public-expressed through a popular vote for President-with their own intelligence and wisdom; this was meant to avoid the election of a corrupt yet popular demagogue (Hitler, Mussolini, FDR, etc.).

The founders envisioned the electoral college splitting its vote between the top three Presidential candidates, in EVERY ELECfION! Nearly all elections would go to the House of Representatives, or so it was planned; the House would then pick a President and Vice President from these three choices. Clearly this was not an efficient or quick system-it was well

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like 200 years ago?

I do, for one, and that is why this election is so great-it is a reminder to all of us that we were never meant to vote for the President in the first place- and we still don't. Had Bush "won" Michigan, two of his electors would have been Governor John Engler and Senator Spencer Abraham-so, when I voted straight ticket Republican, as I always do, I really cast a vote for Engler, Spence, or one of 16 other Electoral College candidates and not for G.w. Bush.

If this election does nothing other than elect one of two very unqualified individuals to the highest office in the land, I hope it teaches people what their vote really means. Firstly, there is nothing inherent in our system to support the dominance of the two parties other than tradition and habit, and ignorance. As was demonstrated in this election, itwould be relatively easy for a third party candidate to draw a substantial number of electoral votes, and cause the election to go the House. Let's play with this idea, and see where it takes us: Firstly, if any party has a chance of taking off big on the national scene, it is the Green Parry. Most other democracies in the West have strong and wellestablished Green parties, and they are very popular with the new generation of ncoliberals coming of age throughout the industrialized democracies of Europe and North America. So, let's say a Green candidate comes on the scene to galvanize

the American Greens, and he wins the popular vote in Green-friendly States like Washington and California. If no candidate gets more than 269 electoral votes, the election is decided in the House of Representatives-thus if our candidate wins enough electoral votes, he can fOrce the election into the House (where it was meant to go anyway). By this time, assuming our candidate had any coattails at all, and if the Greens are an established party, there are likely a few Greens in the House. So, our candidate could trade his Congressmen's votes to the Democrats to elect a Democrat to the White House--in return, the Democrats agree to a Congress ruled by a coalition of Greens and Democrats (common in Europe, but unheard of in America), wherein sev!!ral key leadership posts would be filled by Greens!

Imagine if the "coalition whip," as well as several key committee chairmen were Greens; anyone want to take a bet the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) would see its operating budget quadruple? Or that there might be some serious opposition to the continuing use of nuclear power by U.S. power utilities? Or that th!1~e might be intense pressure for further nuclear disarmament? Or what if the success of the Greens invigorated other groups to form third parties-what if the Right Willg of the GOP, the so-called "Religious Right," was incensed by the nomination of a moderate like John McCain and decided to branch off and form their own party?

Maybe the "American Christian Republicans?" Or perhaps new minority parties, say, like the "United Latino Front" or 'Yrican American Equality Party?"

All of this is, in my opinion, becoming more likely (if not inevitable) in post Cold War America-demographic shifts, new ideologies, the "New Economy, " and increasing globalization are all quickly changing the political flavor of our Republic. 'Perhaps the Founding Fathers were right-maybe democracy is not the way to go. I see weak Congressional coalitions, Presidents lacking strong majority support, and increasing bureaucratic deadlock in our future. Yet perhaps this is the only way our Great Republic can survive into the 21 st century.

In any case, we can expect interesting political changes in our country in the years to come, if not an outright end to the stagnant two -party system which has entrenched itself in our national identity.

Nightmare it could be, but I am an optimist, in the vein of my generation; let's embrace this change and see where it ~~ us. GR<i, s~'.'F.}~S~tl1I~~,~i:''';~ , .. ~=-.-.-~.= ........... -

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'I'IIE M1CIDGAK REVIEW -

November 22,2000 \

COLUJINS

SelENTIA ET VERITAS

Go Invent It Your Own Damn Self: In Defense of Intellectual Property

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NTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, OR IP as the trendy call it, has been much maligned recently by a broad spectrum of critics. Everybody from techno-socialists to your classic bleeding hearts to the senior citizens lobby claim that it stifles innovation and raises prices on everything from software to prescription drugs.

Yet, as even the founding fathers realized back in the days when medicine consisted of leeches, and Matthew

ampu~a~ions and Franczak electricity was a novel concept, the drawbacks of intellectual property are far outstripped by their benefits. Thus, when the constitution was drafted a passage was included within Article 1, Section 8 enabling congress "To promote the Progress of Science and useful Arts, by securing for limited TImes to Authors and Inventors the exclusive Right to their respective Writings and Discoveries," words without which the US economy, arguably the most technologically advanced in the world, would be nothing more than "amber waves of grain."

The most common argument against intellectual property is that it creates a monopoly on a good. Indeed, intellectual property grants a monopoly and monopolies are in most cases economically inefficient and always result in the consumer paying a higher price for a good.

However, classifying all monopolies as harmful simply because they raise prices is

to ignore some of the side effects of the monopoly that are not directly linked to the price. For example, railroad monopolies standardized the gauge of tracks and even provided us with the standard time system; Microsoft, for better or worse, has provided a standard operating system for the majority of computers. Even the staunchest anti-corporatists seem to find that monopolies can benefit society as labor unions, which typically have monopolistic control of the supply of a certain type of labor. Thus, just because it is a monopoly doesn't mean it has a net negative effect on society.

Furthermore, there are varying scopes of monopoly. For example, nobody finds anything wrong with the prices when Ford has a monopoly on Ford cars, but if Ford had a monopoly on all cars, the prices would be much higher. Furthermore if Ford had a monopoly not only on cars, but also on all other forms of transportation, one could expect outrageous prices. When scope is considered, the threat of the IP monopoly is somewhat diluted. BASF may have a monopoly on Sythroid via a patent, but it does not necessarily control all thyroid medications; likewise Sir Mixalot may have a monopoly on "Baby Got Back" via a copyright, but he definitely does not have a monopoly on songs about large posteriors. Another mitigating factor is the fact that intellectual property rights eventually expire. After 17 years, any patented invention is free game.

Having shown that that IP protection is not as bad as some make it out to be, of course, still does not make it good. What makes intellectual property protection so vital is the fact that it provides the driving force for the very innovation that its critics

accuse it of blocking . IP encourages innovation through three mechanisms.

First, IP encourages the creation of technical knowledge by changing its economic character from a completely public good to a partially private good. A public good is a good that people odler than the primary consumer can benefit from without reducing its value to the producer, such as knowledge or an aesthetically pleasing building, whereas a private good is a good that only the primary consumer benefits from , such as a sandwich. As any microeconomics professor will fail you for not knowing, public goods are undersupplied in a free market. Thus, less technical knowledge would be produced in a market in which everybody benefits equally than in a market where the producing group benefits more.

Patents create the former situation by giving temporary exclusivity to some of the benefits of the research to its producers, allowing for levels of research closer to the social optimum to occur.

Second, the IP process forces the disclosure ofinventions to be patented, and thus assures that the knowledge gained from the research process is available to the general public. Without patents, disclosure is a negative for the inventor, since he only benefits from the knowledge as long as others do not have it. If the invention is ~imply protected without forcing disclosure, the inventor will still be reluctant to release the information he or she discovered since it could serve as the basis for research by his competitors to make even better invention. Although this would seem to make the knowledge a private good, industrial espionage, reverse engineering, and the mere fact that any

knowledge that a substantial number of people are aware of will eventually be circulated further make these situations temporary, which is optimal for neither the inventor nor the public. Thus, by forcing disclosure of how an invention works while providing protection, patents make sure mat the knowledge becomes available to me public.

IP encourages the Finally, development of improved versions by offering them separate protection. When one firm makes an improvement on a product, without intellectual property, its competitors would simply adopt the improvement in their own product and the market will equilibrate on the level of the new good. However, when the improvement is patented, competitors either must produce a better improvement or face being driven from the market because of me inferior quality of their goods. Thus, the firm's competitors throw meir effurtS into research and development, which produces the public good of technical knowledge, to regain dominance.

If they succeed in improving the product even further, the roles change and the firm with the fust patent must scramble to,make another innovation. This cycle is responsible for the constandy improving quality of many products, such as the amazing rate of growth of the speed of computer CPUs and the annual development of new models of automobiles.

Thus, next time some whinny pseudosocialist complains that IP rules are making something cost too much, remind them mat without IP, it probably would not have been invented in the first place.I\.R

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Encounters Continued from Page 1 the presidency we as blacks, minorities. women of all races, and progressive students on this campus have to draw the ,same conclusion.

We have to fight for anything that we want in this society. We have to be dedicated to building a new Mass Militant Civil Rights Movement that can not only defend the gains of the previous civil rights movement but we must also struggle to expand those gains."

OK, for the second time now, I've • heard trus expression of anger and hate, that "we have to fight to get what we want." In my "Day of Inaction" arricle, I directly quoted from Ms, Neobua this same line (in context). Now that's something; apparently, in this country you no longer have to work hard for what you want.

Instead, you have to beat the crap out of someone. Now there's progressive taste for you. And really, what is it with this "mass Militant Civil Rights Movement" business?

It seems that members of the "Peace and Justice Commission" of the MSA love peace and justice.. .as long as it suits their tastes , Basically, the remainder of the email described in detail how the students of the U of M should strike out· against the lawsuits, and suppOrt BAMN, DAAP and all of their related movements. It also talked more about how minorities and women

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s hould "fight by any means necessary." I took offense to this; I hate junk email. I have much better things to do than allow my mailbox to be flooded by liberal drivel.

So I did what every self-respecting quasi conservative would dO! I wrote her back.

The following is what I sent to Ms. Neobua.

"Ms. Aleobua, May I begin by saying thank you forthese ... enlightening email messages that you and other leftists flood my box with. I really had nothing to do tonight. Thanks for breaking the monotony. That said, I have a few questions/statements that maybe you could clear up for me.

For the second time now, I have heard you use the (contextual) phrase "have to draw the conclusion (that we) will fight." Maybe you didn't catch my article. Why do you believe this? And if it is true that minorities and women have to fight, shouldn't also white people 'who feel that they as well are discriminated against fight back? Is that not what the plaintiffs in this case are doing? . Citing this and other statements that I have heard you and your cohorts with BAMN and DAAP have made, it seems clear that you support Congressional legislation (affirmative action) and not the Constitution nor the Bill of Rights. If a person or group were to shout down your protests, wash off your chalk or tear down your signs, you would call them violent

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racists and say that they are sequestering your freedom of speech.

Yet, my chalkings and those of my like-minded friends have, on more than one occasion, been perverted by your organization. When a protest was raised, the reply of, "well you're . shit (sic) is racist." And that, madam, is a contradiction , It is evident that your group does not encourage true freedom of expression, but only that which supports your cause. The public beating and beratement of Adam Dancy is physical proof of that.

I therefore make two requests: 1.)

Stop sending messages to my email account. They are unwanted and unsolicited. 2.) Truly work to integrate and end segregation; -stop encouraging minorities to "band • together" to fight "whitey" and instead work to truly integrate so Dr. King's message will tFuly be realized (that people are judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin). If there is to be TRUE integration, there must be no lines, no races and no "ethnic divides." Instead there should be people. Just people."

Simple enough, wouldn't you think?

Nothing aggressive. Just a few simple statements and guestions involving what she wrote. I'll admit, I have written some inflammatory things in the past, but this was perfectly innocent in comparison.

Certainly nothing to warrant the response I received the very next day.

"F*ck you! You racist basterd! [sic]

I am so tired of hearing your shit! And yes .I read the bullshtt that you wrote in the Michigan Review. It is amazing that there is so much sick shit that can pass for journalizm [sic]. Once again for you THE OPPRESSED PEOPLE OF THIS SOCIETY HAVE TO DRAW THE CONCLUSION TO FIGHT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!! [Caps in original] ' The plantiffs [sic] in the two antiaffirmative action lawsuits are racist just like you! The country and this university is still the haven for rich whit [sic] men. You are only complaining because people like me and my organization are challenging your white privelage [sic] in a thorough going way. Me and my "cohorts" standing for building a social movement that can end the tyranny of white privelage [sic] in this nation.

What the recent article in the Michigan Review by your racist friend Adam Dancy is that he was trying to take and tear up the signs of high school students. And honestly his du.mb ass will think twice before he trys to mess with 600 high school students from Detroit during a militant march. Furthermore I will continue to send out mass emails and I hope you get every last one of them. And I will continue to encourage minorities and the oppressed in this society to band together and fight racism. Finally how dare you use Dr. King hsupport your racist ideas of biological determinism and continued segregation.

All I have to say to you as increa~ devdopmenr. bri!lS' more is you better fucking watch what you revenucs..! to-donteSric govern~ntl via say to me I'm a leader in the NEW m,xes;.t:he ~~b jUn the raotirces MASS MILITANT CIVIL RIGHTS (0 provide p~blic g~s and regula5e MOVEMENT! [Caps in original] tro~~ conditioM. 11Us development In the majestic and powerful words QCcur~ed wi'~in dic --world's current of Martin Luther King "The whirlwinds i~ rwiOnui~ iI~bIe for the of revolt will continue to shake the rrauluioa ofworki.conciitiOns in the US foundations of our nation until the 'tocl&y! of justice emerges". bright If the ~ity wana to promote Well, first, I'd have to compliment her ~wodciag·~Profasor Stan bdina -that its ob;cctiYes would be best use of...colorful metaphors. It startles me how freely these campus liberals use foul .~~pJi.hed 'by, encouraging ,he language. That aside, let's talk about a few ~p,nCnt of goycmmcricaI ~ . ~n­ of her points. More talk of fighting by any ~w moni~ing p1up1 ~ the means necessary. That's lots offun. I'm sure devdopiDg lWioDl ~ Prokuor Adanl Dancy is just dancing in the streets • .own plan lOr the Uomrsity because he had the opportunity to be .orkin, ~Ddhions in beaten in public. It's supported by Ms. ~m:ommcnd Micb1pn dnacel- Aleobua, yet, if the roles had been reversed, surely the "white oppressors" would be of~ directly' billed as Klan members and the beaten student would have been billed as a victim of a "hate crime." Instead, my friend Mr. Dancy is warned to "not mess with 600 high school students" and I better "watch what I say" lest I get the business end of a Militant Civil Rights Movement. Well \\;,hat about my Civil Rights? And those of Mr. Dancy? Why won't we benefit from the Militant Civil Rights movement? We're ..: ,.. ...... "_.~.' .. ta·· " .:.. being oppressed! ~ . ' ~ ::~i~~ ~ ·A¥';'~f; .•ti~j~"'j\V~ r!it~\F\(~:,;. . . ". .. _r.iIIII.Ii1IiIIII·IIIiI -_- _ _ _iIIII_.._ _ Iii~ lIIIilM._ ·~ ..... _ ...; ~..; ~ ~ }~>:,~ ~ ·~ :J;tAJS}.~~~~~'f:..~1??~./l~~~r~~._/;1

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Conservatives Come To Town C<lJllpUs activists don't want them to hear should come.

Dan Flynn, the Executive Director of AlA. explained, "The theme, as the title of our conference suggests, is going to foc~ . on the diversity thaC is not seen on campuses, we're not going to focus on the diversity that is based on superficial skin

BY JAMES JUSTIN WILSON

N DECEMBER 1ST and 20 <1, the University of Michigan will host . the Accuracy in Academia (AIA) Michigan Conference featuring many prominent conservative speakers . This event, which promises to address a number of important issues concerning university students, marks the end of a long per.iOO of silence of the conservative voice on the U-M campus.

"Accuracy in Academia," Joseph Sob ran explained, "does much more than complain about the leftist, statist, and Marxist biases on American campuses. It promotes awareness and understanding of out genuine political tradition; it puts young Americans back in touch with their ancestors. This noble mission deserves the support of everyone who treasures liberty."

Organizers at the .AlA have invited Dinesh D'Souza, Joseph Sob ran, William Allen, Carl Cohen, among other speakers to address students in the Kuenzel Room in the Michigan Union. Any student interested in what their professors and the

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arouhd the notion of diversity. Dinesh D'Souza, one of the keynote speakers, will deliver a speech entitled "Is America a Good Idea?" that lambastes the leftists attacks on many of the basic principles of America. D'Souza, who began his career as the editor of ~e Dartmouth Review, a sister paper of the Michigan Review,

The event will address issues including, Affirmative Action, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Multiculturalism, gay rights, feminism, and many other issues revolving around the notion of d;v~rsity. color. The diversity that we're going to address is based on intellectual diversity.

We're going to be putting forth the issues on campuses that aren't.addressed." More specifically, the event will address issues inc)uding, affirmative action, Murnia AbuJamal, multiculturalism, gay rights, feminism, and many other issues revolving

worked under President Reagan and now serves as an Olin Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. He has authored books including The End ofRacism, which "uncovers the half-truths and outright lies disguised as black scholarship and civil rights policy." He also wrote, Illiberal Education, which the Wall Street Journal

called "A brisk, hard-hitting journalistic tour through the political land mines embedded these day in higher education.

The Conference also features Joseph Sobran, the former senior editor of the National Review and a graduate of Eastern Michigan University. Sobran has been lauded as "perhaps the finest columnist of our generation," and "A national treasure:" He will deliver a speech entitled "Constitutional Pluralism" at 7pm on December 1". Dan Flynn will also offer a summation of his monograph entitled, "Cop Killer: How Mumia Abu-Jamal Conned Millions Into Believing He ~as Framed."

AlA's mlSSlOn is not to be inflammatory, but rather informative.

Their list of speakers will certainly offer a chance to hear a silence voice on the U-M campus. Any student that is interested in the future of diversity or academia should try to attend.

To reserve a spot, contact Eric Langborgh, the conference director at 1800-787-0429. Mt

BPC: We got your Money!

BY MICHAEL AUSTlN

VERY SEMESTER THE Michigan Student Assembly . allocates a portion of its budget toalmost three hundred registered student groups through the Budget Priorities Committee. For students, this is the most noticeable effect of the $5.69 tacked onto their n.tition bills each semester.

The funding process is open to any MSA-registered student group. The application is filled out with an itemized budget and an according column for how much is requested from the Assembly. In addition there are questions regarding what each student group does and whether or not they are planning any special events that might require more funding.

For the most part funding remains relatively constant from ,semester to semester because student group budgets do not change much. Despite this some group still request exorbitant amount of money.

In fact fifty-one groups asked for $3,000 or more, twice that of the maximum allocation of $1,500 this semester. When asked why some groups ask for such large amounts, or why some applications .t;equest funding for non-funded items like travd or T-shirts, BPC Chair Siafa Hage' commented that "They don't read it [the application], honestly. Like the Code of Student Conduct, no one reads it \lIltil it afrects you." Whatever the reason fur the large requ~sts, no~ing was particularly

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unexpected in terms of disbursement, and budgets and requests. It happens to betrue neutrality nearly impossible, but this is the average allocation this semester was just for the College Democrats and CoUege more of a problem with the Southworth ' . Republicans, Since they received $~ and ruling than the funding process. over $300.

Along with the routine of fund $450 respectively. Students for Ufe only It is easy to look at the results of the received $185 compared to the $400 given BPC fund allocations and assume political allocation, the BPC usually gets its fair to Medical Students of Choice, but this bias, but the BPC already has enough [0 share of scorn with regard to how the money is divided up. After the ini ti~l seems reasonable considering that SFL only do with determining funding. Trying [0 reco11lmendations are published, there is requested $260 versus the ' $1,415 that advance one cause over another adds Medical Students of Choice asked fur. unnecessary complexity to the already an appeal process where student groups can meet with the UPe and explain why they Viewpoint neutrality is even more tedious project of reviewing three hundred applications. should be allocated more money, A limited difficult when the vast diversity ofstudents budget makes it difficult to satisfY every groups is considered. Forex:ample, how can Furthermore, BPC took every parity be achieved between the Midwestern precaution to avoid bias in the funding group though. Complaints usually focus Indian American Student Organization, process. ~If a member of the committee is on how much one student group received compared to another, but simply looking Singapore Students Association, and involved in an organization, they are at the numbers fails to consider all the Michigan Taiwanese Student Association? excluded from the funding process for all factors involved in determining allocations.

There are simply too many groups that groups that they have ties or biases could be regarded as counterparts, towards ." explained Hage. In fact "We consider the group's impact 'On campus, their activities planned, especially when the real issue at hand is committee members with a conflict of communities served, and how much whether or not the group is able to interest wen; required to leave the room, accomplish the goal ofserving its members. so not even their presence would be a money they needed in order to pull off their event." said Hage. In addition tlte issue of One wrinkle in the political aspect of factor. The large amount of funding to the funding process stems ftomthe large liberal political student groups is mainly "viewpoint neutrality" comes into play, as mandated by the holding in the case. of number of student groups. Academics for due to the fact that there are more liberal Affirmative Action and Social Justice, student groups than conservative ones: University ofWtsconsin Board of Regents vs. Southworth: As a practiced matter, Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action By This again suggests . that the however, funding decisions are mostly Any Mean Necessary, Students for Southworth ruling is unrealistic because determined by what each student group Affirmative Action , and United for neutrality is both arbitrary and subjective. requ~sts and whether their requests are Equality & Affirmative Action all applied Certainly denying funding to one group fur funding; while VOICE was the only or giving extra funding to another group considered reasonable. For instance, one could assume that groups like College opposing student group to register. As an in the interest of fairness cannot work ' Democrats and Colkge Republicans aside, VOICE did not receive funding due because it compromises the purpose of should each receive equal' funding for the . to a .lost application, and both primary f\u)4ing process, which is to assiSt in the student govenuitent to maintain a neutral ' contacts didnot respond to em:Ul fro.rnthe , operation of student groups. In that sense, , political stance: That would only , be the BPC informing them of this.~many the BPC has once again su~ed in its : , case if both opposing. ~upshap, ~~at; , groups o~ ones!~e, ~f ~ ;issue m~~: '. job ;0£ distributing ·funds; i\R ' " " . . ~ .,~ .,'q,, " ~ ,,"j ~.M"' :" .." '_.... ~.:. . ,~".:.. _... ".:. •.:. .,: f~ ":. ~ :. '" .:,.,:.. :.. -q,:.. ~';. :.;:.:;,;.,.., : .:. . ~ :,.y,~~:. 'Y ....'?,5:~:.4.,:i;...:'; ~ ...\ \ -';', \!'! ~ ~~~ !~~'!h~!~~~~!~~~!~'!;'~~~~~'~"~_"'_,,__~"'...'_ ""' ...... 't~ t.~" ~ . ~ '".,~. ,.:. ".;."__VJ.,: '.~'~::~ ~~

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Page 10

_ ·CAJIPOS

Achen for Change By

MATIHEW S. SCHWARTZ

AND DAVID GUIPE

The renowned political scientist Christopher Achen spent his untkrgraduate days at UC-Berkeley studying political science, and went on to get his PhD at Yale, specializing in the relatively new field of quantitative methods. He taught at Berkeley for 10 years, the University of Chicago for six, and is currently in his eleventh year at

U-M. Professor Achen recently took a break to chat with us about his involvement as an ABC analyst in this year 's presidential election. After being right in the middle of the action on election night, he offered us an explanation of what went on behind the scenes on election night, and what he hopes will never happe1l again.

Michigan Review: How can networks project a winner the moment the polls dose? How does the system work?

Christopher Achen: When they project, at the .time the polls dose, they are projecting just on the basis of exit polls.

Sometimes exit polls plus sample precincts.

But more commonly, just exit polls, so they have not seen a single real vote when they call it at or before the polls dose.

MR: How do you guyscaU it?

In principle, it's a straightforward statistical problem. You interview people

Political Science professor Christopher Achen, who worked as an ABC analyst on election night, explains ho~

every network got it wrong -

twice - and suggests

the changes he would love to see in 2004.

The problem is that some people don't like to talk to the exit pollsters, and that means it's not really a textbook problem, and so the calculation that they sometimes use isn't very accurate and that's what gets them into trouble.

MR: Why are people that vote Democratic more likely to answer exit polls than Republicans?

That's a very hard question. I studied this at one point over a weekend on a little contract from VNS three years ago with a couple of other people. The problem appears to be that more educated people are more likely to answer the exit polls. And in particular, people with ·education beyond the college level, are a great deal more likely to answer exit polls than the other people. Those people tend to vote democratic, and that over represents them.

So it's not a Democratic bias at all, but it's "'" real.

MR: You mentioned the Voter News Service. What exactly do they do?

They are the people who conduct the interviews on the exit poll, do the sampling of sample precincts, and also keep track of the actual vote as it comes in, all in one central location in New York - namely, the World Trade Center. All the networks, plus the Associatt.."<i Press, all get exactly the same information. They are the clients for VNS , they pay [or ii, and in return for that money their employees can sit in front of a

"We're almost to the year 2001 - we can't put this on computers? The computer could say, 'Bush,' 'Gore,' and the 'Natural Law' guys and all the rest, and then it could say, 'You have voted/or Pat Buchanan. Are you sure?" leaving the polls, you ina:rvi~ a sample of perhaps 2,000 or 3,000 people in a typical state - sometimes more in a big state, a very diverse state. That gives you an estimate of what the vote proportion was for the two candidates. If that difference is big enough, and if the sample is big enough, then it's just like a national public opinion poll, and you can be certain up to a certain margin of error, with calculations that are familiar from statistical textbooks, of how likely that margin is to be correct.

.,.AIRS

computer screen that night and look at all of the data that VNS has.

MR: Is the system effective?

Yes and no. It works very well a lot of the time. It enables the networks to call the states that are one-sided. So they were able to call Utah for George Bush, for example, and the District of Columbia, , and Vermo~t, fur Gore, because the exit ) IPdll§'~t ~d Heat iti those atses'tlnlr tHey "

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get the right answer early. In the close states, if you're patient enough, they will give you the right answer also. But the networks are nQ( always patient.

MR: As we saw. Would you change the system in any way? If you would change it, what would you do differently?

I'd certainly like to change it. very It's a complicated operation, and I think we ought to go slow and think carefully . about how we change it.

Political Science Professor Chris Achen explains the It would be easy to nitty gritty of the election make it worse. The current system does a 5,000. That happens a lot, across the tremendously good job at collecting the country, and you have to get the votes in data - and this is a gigantic task, as you can from all of those places. They're called in, easily imagine. There are more than three in most instances, to the secretary of state, thousand American counties. They [VNS] and people are tired, they've been workinK get the data in quickly, they do a good job long hours, and thq make mistakes. That's collating it with a minimum of errors. That just inevitable.

1Jart of the operation is just stell~, and I think they have a lot to be proud of. The MR: Can you and your people who part that needs changing is the part that do the analyz.ing correct for some of their does the estimates, that constructs the errors? information from which it would call the states. It's simply not very accurate.

Some . When you're looking, for Sometimes it says 50% chance of Gore example at a black precinct and it comes winning when it means 90%. Sometimes in 50-50 Democrat and Republican, you it says 90% when it means 99%. know that a mistake has been made, and Sometimes it says 99% when it means 90% you check. So some things can be caught. or 85%. Just the technical ftx is the first In '96 there were two people running for thing that needs to be done. the Senate in Virginia, both named Warner.

That caused problems, as you could MR: Why isn't it accurate a lot of times? Because of the people who d~n't imagine.

But as I say, I think the job that VNS answer the polls? does on that part of the task is really tremendous. The statistical sofrware partly A combination of that, and the mct makes errors due to the exit poll problem that there are inevitable data errors on we've talked about, and partly it's very election night. I'm a Montanan originally.

If you think about voting in the eastern conservative, statistically, in the way that it makes forecasts, and it doesn't take very part of Montana, there are people going to the polls there, often in terrible weather, good account of the p6lI~Jcid, tehitionships , who 'are' a·hundred ·trtiles ·fto'ma 'toWn :of : <imbng'Sfates: For eiample;'the ;s6frvir.ire

INovember 22, 2000 Continued from previous page. does not know that Ohio and Michigan are next to each other, and that Ohio is always a little more Republican than Michigan - it doesn't know any of thar. So it's slow, and the combination of too much certitude on the exit polls and not enough certitude on anything else means that it's erratic, and sometimes too high on its probabilities and sometimes too low.

MR: Let's get to specifics. How on earth could all the networks call Florida incorrectly at 8 p.m. for Gore, and then incorrecdy again at 2: 17 a.m. for Bush?

Do they ever consider that an incorrect guess might be devastating to the candidates? How'd it happen?

The call at 8 o'clock was a good example of the software saying that it was 99% likely that Gore was going to win the state. The real number, if you're experienced with the system, was probably 85% or 90%. So on the decision team at ABC, there was a division of opinion about whether it should be called or not. The other networks began calling it; we were the last, because of this disagreement. At 2 o'clock, exactly the same thing happened.

There was evidence that it might go for Bush, but again, the estimate was noisy, there was disagreement on the team, but then Fox called it. It turns out the guy who works there is a cousin of George Bush.

MR: Did that have something to do with it?

WeHlet's just say that one can question the decision of a network to put somebody

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had disagreement on our team, and perhaps they did too. I don't know the facts at Fox. MR: In the overall picture, did Fox's early announcements cause the other networks to come in and announce it too?

I would guess that all the network~ gambled, based on competitive pressure, led by Fox. But the networks have all denied that that was what they were doing.

MR: Why did the networks call Florida for Gore while the polls were still open there in the Panhandle section, also known as the "Redneck Riviera"?

Yes, yes, well it's southern Alabama, you know.

MR: Did that had an effect on the race, with so few votes separating them?

I'm not the one who calls these, I don't make those decisions; I'm JUSt an adviser.

So I'm speaking for other people here. My guess is they were not as aware as they might have been about the difference in the poll closing rime. Most studies have shown that the effect of early announcements is quite small on turnout.

But it is a real concern, and there is an agreement among the networks not to call an~ races until the polls are closed. My belief is they just made a mistake, because by and large that agreement was observed.

MR: What is the purpose behind projecting the winner a minute after the polls close, especially during an election

"I'd be delighted to be out of a job, rather than be in the mess we were in this year. Sure, it's fun. But it's not my day job." in charge of that decision who is that closely tied to one of the candidates. I was asked, for example, before I ever signed up at ABC, whether I had a consulting contract with one of the candidates, or had worked for him, and so on, and if the answer to that was yes, then I was not going to be invited.

MR: Some people have criticized Fox News for not relying heavily on statistical data when forecasting the election. Is this portrayal accurate? What role did Fox News play on election night?

I wasn't at Fox, so I don't really know what happened there. What I do know is that they were the ones who jumped at 2 o'clock, and they were quite mistaken.

They were early #.1 night - earlier than I .f~~ugp.t ilie d!l~ AA~fi~d. But, as I 5.<0/> we

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THE M1CHlGAR RBVIBW - CAJlPUS AFFAIRS

as close as this one? Aren't the networks practically begging for trouble? Is it completely naive to suggest we sacrifice speed for accuracy, and wait for the actual election results to come in before calling the race?

Well there's a tradeoff here. In many states, the absentees are counted very slowly. So that if you really insisted on waiting until every single vote was in before you called the race, there would 路 be probably 25 states you wouldn't be able to call, even the day after the election, and even though the margin is far too large to ever be influenced by the absentees. So you want to speed the process up - you want to make these calls in a timely way. People want to know by 11 p.m. if possible, or midnight, who the new president's going .tp .be" I~'s ,ppvs. ~ 楼()st..q~~~. )\?1J., ,ca-lHio

that relatively easily. The networks called the presidency for President Clinton in 1996 just past 9 d clock, for example, with polls still open on the West coast, because it was clear from how he had doncin the Eastern states that he was going to do it. I think that's legitimate. So there's a tradeoff, as you said, between speed and accuracy.

the polling places close in the West, does that affect the outcome of the race? Could the media, in calling an election for one candidate, help to fulfill their prophecy?

I think this has been a real concern.

Since most of the errors have been toward the Democrats - in other words, the great

"Somewhere between calling Florida wrong twice in the same night, and being so slow that you wait for every last absentee to come in from every last state in the country, is the right intermediate position."

Somewhere between calling Florida wrong twice in the same night, and being so slow that you wait for every last absentee to come in from every last state in the country, is the right intermediate position.

I think it's clear that we were too far on the side of speed this time.

MR: Let me judge here your bias in this matter. If they did get out of the predicting business, would you be out of a job?

I'd be delighted to be out of a job, rather than be in the mess we were in this year. Sure, it's fun. But it's not my day job.

I enjoy it, but I was way into my forties before I did it the first time, and I could live with out it. It was particularly hard this year because the networks did such an unfortunate job of calling the states. I don't think any of us felt very good about how the evening was going.

MR: Do you think it's feasible that aU the networks at least withhold their predictions until a certain time, such as when all the polls in the country have closed?

I think that's not a bad idea. And I'd like to add to that that we modify the software so that we get an honest estimate of what the probability is that the state will go to one side or the other. And with an honest estimate, then, if some people are calling it at 90%, and other people want to wait until 99%, the network anchors would be able to juSt say that. "Fox has called this state at 90% - that's their privilege. We are going to wait until it's 99% because we want to make sure that no mistakes are made." The problem with the current arrangement is that the software will say 99% when it means 85%, or vlceversa, and that leads to mistakes, and people bl;uning the software for what was perhaps a rush to judgment on their own part.

MR: When the media project the ,~tjr,of,~ J}'tq~nal ~l~~n ~C?~~~

majority of the mistakes have been calling the Democrat as the winner when in fact the Republican was the winner - the Republicans have several times expressed concern about this, and I think very reasonably so. I think these teams at the networks have to be people with no ties to the candidates, and they have to be people operating in as professional and unbiased a way as possible. And I think there's work to do to make sure thar's more true in the future than it was this year.

MR: In the midst of the Computer Revolution, how is it possible that people are still casting their vote for prrsident using 19th century technology?

I was watching this mess at the end of the night, between 2 and 4, and everything had been called - you're standing around watching it go bad in Florida - and there's a little time to think. And I was thinking exactly what you were thinking: that we're almost to the year 2001 - we can't put this on computers? The computer could say, "Bush," "Gore," and the "Natural Law" guys and all the rest, and then it could say, "You have voted for Pat Buchanan. AIe you sure?"

We just have to do this eventually.

When AIizona tried this in the primaries this ye-at, they put in computer terminals in shopping centers and so forth, and they had a lot of problems. There were quite a few difficulties. So I think it's got work still to be done. But the voting machines didn't work perfectly the first time either.

Somewhere, something is better than holding up pieces of paper to the light. And the machine recount, in one county they've counted the ballots by machine three times and gotten three different answers.

I don't believe either side. I don't believe the Republican argument that the machine count is absolutdy accurate, and we should stay with that; nor do I believe the Democratic argument that holding

See ACHEN, Page 13 "~:' ( ;( L;' :-" ~\ii

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Perverting Democracy: Al Gore, the VNS, and the "Popular Vote"

BY SARA WI1T

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HERE IS A LOT of finger-pointing going on in the aftermath of the presidential -election. Many blame the news media's faulty election-night coverage for what has transpired into over two weeks of recounts and litigation. But the news media can't be blamed for partaking in the competition to break the news first.

For the networks, timeliness is everything.

The first to get the scoop is the first to get the bucks. That's capitalism.

The fault lies with the Voter News Service, the agency that conduCts exit polling and relays the results to the networks. VNS made Florida results available to the networks an hour before the polls closed in the panhandle of the state, which may have discouraged some people from even going to the polls. Aside from inhibiting voter turnout, the results provided were inaccurate at first when AI Gore was the predicted winner, and then evidently not reliable, as George W. Bush's predicted win was retracted in the wee hours of the morning.

It appears as if no one is happy with VNS; Republican congressmen are examining the networks' election-night coverage, as they say it was deliberately working in favor of Gore, and Democrats accuse that Gore is portrayed as a sore loser because the race had been called for Bush when it was in fact too close to call.

Moreover, the networks, especially FOX News (the first to call Bush as the nation's next president), have taken just as much heat for relying on the monopoly of VNS .

Although the networks have their own polling services and their own statisticians by which to check the VNS's results, this system of checks and balances is about as democratic as partisan judge appointments.

Simply, the use of the VNS is purely economic. It is cheaper for the networks to rely solely on one source for its information than to have to pay others for the same service and what they supposed would be the same results. Yet, without other sources of information readily available to put the VNS's numbers into perspective, how are the network~ to know that other polling services would have had the same results?

While the VNS's role in the election results is debatable, AI Gore's is not. His biggest accomplishment over the past two weeks has been demonstrating that he will Stop at nothing to be president, save for showing some integrity and respect for the U.S. Constitution. His campaign manager, William Daley, has said that the campaign is not over. And indeed, it is not. Democratic operatives have descended on Florida to turnover the election by any means necessary-sound familiar?

The campaign has demanded recounts

in three predominantly Democratic counties, Palm Beach, Broward and Miami-Dade, whose residents presumably aren't capable of casting an eligible vote. The campaign has thus far been successful in gaining permission to employ innovative standards for conducting the manual recounts. This strategy resembles an affirmative action

enough self-responsibility to cast their own ballots, or Gore's henchmen will do it for them. The state of the "chad" is the allimportant factor; whether it is hanging by two or three corners, dimpled, impregnated or swinging can make all the difference.

This process in and of itself is problematic, but when you have a bunch of unqualified senior citizens working long hours and

VNS made Florida results ·available to the networks an hour before the polls closed in the panhandle of the state, which may have discouraged some people from even going to the polls. policy in so much as it focuses on one particular group, in this case, the residents of the three Democratic counties, to achieve a desired outcome (i.e. Gore winning the election). Perhaps this week we will hear the Gore camp request that Democratic ballots in Florida be worth twice as much as Republican ones.

The objective is to determine "the intent of the voter," by looking for any prick or mark that could be contrived as an effort to vote for Gore. Whether the results of these recounts will be included in the certification by Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris is yet to be determined. A state circuit court judge ruled Friday, November 17th that Harris did not have to include the results of recounts in four counties, but later in the day the Florida Supreme Court blocked Harris from certifying the election on Saturday, which would have most likely named Bush as the winner. The U.S. 11 th Circuit Court of Appeals also refused to stop the recounts from continuing, another setback for Bush.

As long as the recounts go forward, we compromise the justice of our democratic system. In elections past, if a ballot did not register a result from a counting machine, the ballot was disqualified and thrown out. This year, however, those ballots have been collected and then subjectively examined by a Democratic canvassing board. Voters must exhibit

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shuffling, poking and using the ballots as fans, it becomes downright chaotic. Aside from this there are 500 of the best lawyers in the country looking over their shoulders.

Bush's team is looking for evidence of tampering and fraud, of which there is an overabundance, and Gore's team is looking for extra ballots, of which their are none .

Gore's campaign has been adamant in their claim that they only want to insure that "the will of the people" is carried out.

The only people they are referring to, however, are those who might have voted for him, had they done it correctly.

Apparently the rest of us don't need special attention. To suggest that the butterfly ballot might have actually confused people or the concept of punch-cards explains the

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existence of the Electoral College. People simply can't cast a ballot by themselves.

Gore's cronies insist that he is the rightful heir of the White House because he won the so-called "popular vote," a misleading concept. Both campaigns sought to collect the highest number of electoral votes, not popular votes. So Gore's achievement is irrelevant to the contest.

Had both been campaigning to achieve the most popular votes, then Bush would have spent time campaigning in Texas and Gore likewise in New York; neither candidate would have been able to take either state and its electoral votes for granted. Perhaps Gore would have won a true popular anyway, but this is merely a case of parcial equilibrium in which one changes one aspect of the rules to achieve an outcome that is dubious on its face. Had both men sought after the true popular vote, it would have been an entirely different ballgame.

Where we go from here, nobody knows. By the time this issue comes to print, it is likely that the outcome of the election will still be in the balance. Literally.

It will probably be locked up in some state, federal , circuit, or even US Supreme Court.

However, regardless of the outcome, don't expect the loser to take things lightly.

Expect that man to be one of the frontrunners for the 2004 presidential election. For the time being though, let's just hope that Ai Gore and his cohorts don't pervert the democratic process so badly that there won't be a 2004 presidential election. Gore has waited his whole life for the opportunity to be the president. Who says that if he reaches that pinnacle, he could ever let it go? rvR

.......... .... _ _,,,,, _ _ _ _ , ''-' ' .' ' ' _ _' _ _ , _ _ __

ACHEN Continued from Page 11 these things up to see how many hanging chads there are is accurate.

MR: Don't you think that the candidates will congregate in the large urban areas anyway?

Not necessarily. They don't do that in elections within states, for example. Look at the New York Senate race, fur example: the candidates did not spend all their time in New York City; they needed the votes upstate too. And the advantage of having plurality rule is that a vote is a vote is a vote. It evens the playing field.

What happened this year for example in Indiana, where Bush's victory was known 2 months in advance, there was no campaigning whatsoever. No ads, no engagement, nobody went there. That seems wrong to me, and I think that would change if one additional vote in Indiana meant just as much as one additional vote any place else.

MR: How would the media cover a popular vote election like that? Wouldn't you have to wait until the night when all the votes were counted, or possibly days later, after all the absentees came in from across the country?

prevent them from calling the race at 9 p.m., like they did in '96 for Clinton.

They'd have to wait - particularly with California out - and see how the big Western states voted. I think it would have several advantages. I admit, it has some difficulties. But it seems to me that if we had plurality rule now, and someone proposed adopting the Electoral College, there would be no chance anyone would want to do that.

from here on in. If Bush is the elected president in January, I think there will be some discussion of the fact that he dearly lost the national popular vote and became president anyway. I think that will cause him some difficulties. If he wins Florida, he is the legitimate elected president there's no quesrion about that. But there is this difficulty that a plurality voted for somebody else. 1'm hopeful that will set off a serious national debate. Ml

MR: You're an Odds Man - what do you think the odds are that the Flectoral College is going to be dismanded?

I'd like to think that the odds are

good, but 1'm somewhat of a pessimist. I Well, one tiUIU!. I think it would do is

think something depends on what happens

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[Page 14

STOP ME

IF

YOU'VE HEARD THIS

Novt:rnber 22,20001

ONE

Curse or Not, Don't-Kill the New President!

I

DON'T KNOW about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of all of my favorite programs, such as reruns of that classic sitcom "Sanford and Son," being preempted because of this stupid "Decision 2000" crap. If you've turned on your television in the past two weeks, you know exactly --··' ~ -\ what I'm talking " . about. It seems that no matter how many times I flip ~ the remote (a workout in itself!), El Senor I am faced with a Guipe clip of the Florida Secretary of State _ _ _ _ _ _ __

process of "removing" the indigenous cultures from its land in order that our nation would expand throughout the continent, thus realizing its Manifest Destiny. Naturally, the natives weren't all too happy about being exterminated. As a matter of fact, they were pretty darn pissed_ Hey, I would be too. Among these disgruntled folks was famous Native American guy Tecumseh. Upon seeing his tribe wiped out by then general and future president (get name), he decided to get revenge on the U.S. in the only way he

demonstrating that she doesn't know how to properly apply makeup to her face. My response to all of this: get over it! This whole issue isn't going to add up to a hill of pepperoni (I don't like beans) in the long run_ Moreover, it is going to result in the perpetuation of the little understood curse on the presidency of the United States_ Well, now that that's off my chest, time to get on to today's topic. Pregnant chads are a plague to women everywhere .. _ What's that? You say you've never heard of the curse on the presidency? You poor deprived child! I have no choice but to postpone tackling the delicate subject of pregnant chads to a later date in order to fill you in on this hot topic.

Our tale begins in the early 19,b Century_ At this time, America was in the

knew how ... by putting a curse on their future president! The curse would cause (name) to be the first president to die while in office. Furthermore, since (name) was elected in 1840, every president who henceforth was elected to office on a year ending in "0" would meet their doom while still in office.

Right now you're probably thinking, "Nice try Senor, but do you really expect me, a college educated student at the dawn of the 21 Century, to swallow such tripe?

You're just trying to scare me into going to bed with you." That may be true, but the really scary thing is that this curse seems to hold up. In order to examine its effectiveness, let us take a trip through the wonderful world of American history.

As we have already established, the fIrst

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president to die in office was (name) in (year). Elected in 1840, he died of (cause) .

Also to expire while still on the job was Abraham Lincoln, first elected in 1860. As we all know, Lincoln was assassinated while watching a performance at the theatre (1 guess the acting "slew" him. Get it? Shut up, 1 think it's funny.). Subsequently, two more presidents were assassinated while in office, Garfield, who was elected in 1880, and McKinley; elected to his second term in 1900. Warren Harding won the office in 1920. He died in the midst of his first

So, in an effort to keep television running smoothly, I would like to appeal to all ofyou wackos out there: don't kill the president! term because of food poisoning. FOR suffered a similar fate in 1945, five years after his 1940 election. And who can forget JFK, who was elected in 1960 and killed three years later by the FBI, the CIA, J. Edgar Hoover, Fidel Castro, LBJ, the Mafia, and my cousin Mario.

Notably absent from this list is the president who won the office in 1980, Ronald Reagan. True, at first glance it appears that Reagan beat the curse. But need I remind you that an attempt on Reagan's life early in his presidency would have ended it all if it wasn't for modern medicine, which we all know is not taken account for in ancient Indian curses.

Armed with this knowledge, 1 had long been wondering how the next president who would reign under the curse,

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the one elected in the year 2000, would meet his demise. At first it seemed rather odd. I mean, nobody particularly likes Bore or Gush, but surely neither one could manage to be hated as much as Clinton.

What then could bring someone to try and perpetuate the curse.

In the last week or so, the answer to this and other important questions, such as the whereabouts of the remote control, have been made obvious to me. Regardless of who wins the stupid Florida recount, half of the people in the country are going to feel that the victor has stolen the election.

This will surely lead some crazed gunman (Luke Massie, perhaps?), probably trying to impress his activist girlfriend Oessica Curtin, perhaps?), to fIre a few shots at the new President. As we saw from the Reagan ordeal, d<''<lth is no guarantee, but I sure wouldn't bet against it.

Of course, the death of the Prez will cause even more of my favorite shows to be pre-empted so the networks can broadcast the stupid funeral. So, in an effort to keep tck'Vision running smoothly, I would like to appeal to all of you wackos out there: don't kill the president! It doesn't marter whether or not you think he stole the election; killing him will not solve anything. It will put his vice president in power who will continue the same policies.

You'll just be making things harder on all of us. Get a hobby if you're bored. Take up smoking. Just don't screw up my television schedule or so help me I'll ... l\R

The Weakened American President By

KURT RADEMACHER

T

HE TURMOIL surrounding the American electoral process, a process as yet unresolved , is creating uncertainty in every area of politics except one: the next president will be severally w<.-akened by the haggling. The inhabitant of the most powerful office in the free world will find his decisions questioned and actions scrutinized. Our country will find itself with a power vacuum in the highest office in our land.

Who will fill this void? To answer this question a careful study must be made of the American political scene over this past year. Neither the House nor the Senate seems poised to take ahold of the leadership of our country; both majorities are extremely fragile. Either of the two possible cabinets will probably be bipartisan as the new president attempts to reconcile his lack of popular support. Who does that leave?

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seen more than just casual participation by celebrities as they endorsed, insulted, and argued for various presidential candidates.

The news media ran various stories chronicling celebrity involvement. Why? Obviously because celebrities are amazingly important to our democratic process.

What fonction could the celebrity population ofAmerica play in our political system? This is probably the wrong question.

The real is what role can't celebrities play?

Phil Donahue hit the talk show circuit in support of his presidential candidate.

Possible responsibilities for this American treasure will include handling the public allowing the mostly illiterate, loud segment of the population a say by randomly choosing them from his audience. This voice of reason could then be filtered to the legislature where Senators could become aware of who the American public would like to boo and taunt, especially that two-timing jerk Jed who slept with both

will certainly be a law against that, something along the lines that he should be forced to go srtaight to hell.

During a Bush administration Alec Baldwin would serve the necessary Canadian resettlement movement, funneling oppressed liberals out of America with Thomas and the MaWc Railroad into the pristine Canadian wilderness where they will refuse to drill for oil, lay down and be eaten by attacking polar bears, or make a single acceptable movie this side of The Shadow.

Mariah Carey will be in charge of making all programs to end hunger obsolete. With her at the helm, massive amounts of bug repellent will be used so those wonderfully thin African children can enjoy their thin vanity without all those «flies and death and stuff" Well, maybe ~;till the death, but not the flies.

Carrot Top and Jim Varney could tearn up to solve the problems of Miss oW-i. They

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issues there because one has a dead career and the other is just dead - the people of Missouri believe their deceased population should be represented above all else.

Possible issues here include extending suffrage to dead people and using unfunny props to make stupid points about the major issues of the day. Props will include dead people.

Martha Stuart will provide the nation with a strong sense of hominess as well as that sinking k"Cling that the world is going to be ending soon.

Cher will of course handle all complex economic issues, assuring the nation that she believes in life after fIscal solvency. Her press conferences will be major events as the expectant media awaits the new look of the chairwomen of the Fed - only to be addressed with fiscal news that sounds like

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Listeners May Find Christina Aguilera's Kind of Christmas Hard to Stomach By

RABEH SOOFI

FTER TWO OF years hallmarked by a debut CD, a grammy, and a ag-team performance with Limp Bizkit on the VMA 2000, Christina "As Hispanic as El Senor Guipe" Aguilera brought into our lives a Christmas album entitled "My Kind of Christmas."

To no surprise, Aguilera's kind of Christmas offers nothing too new to fans or critics in terms of its style and presentation. Aguilera seems to disagree with the notion of contemporary artists covering Christmas tunes without tampering roo much with melodies and harmonies. The track "This Year," for example, is a dancy Pop tune reminiscent of "Come on Over" - including brief rap

by Aguilera similar to the one featured in the bridge of her recently retired-fromTRL hit. In general though, the album offers jazzy, Pop versions of some Christmas classics and other original pieces, all punctuated by samples of Christina giving us "yeah's," "Shake it's," "Break it down, baby's," and periodic giggling.

Certainly, though, the album has its moments. Aguilera is obviously blessed with a beautiful voice that she shows off very-well in "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," a slower, more acoustic track than the others.

But along with those high moments, however, there is a bit of extravagance and melodrama in the presentation of some tracks that beg for a quick push on the fast

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Continued from Previous Page an "electronic angel."

Martin Sheen will of course attempt to take over the presidency altogether and the American public will be none the wiser as the majority of Americans think he's the president now. Civil war will inevitably break out when his sound-alike brorher places a few well-placed calls to South Carolina.

Barbara Striesand, with her extra free time, will of course continue making bad musIC. It seems common sense that Chuck Norris will take over law enforcement for this great country, softening a Bush administration's reputation for electrocuting criminals by replacing this brutal practice with a final, dramatic jump kick to the face. This reporter also believes that Norris will be joined by Reno the crime-fighting dog who will punish serious criminals by looking them straight in the face .

One source that wishes to remain anonymous claims that Robert Altman played a role in the campaign for president, although his function in the future is a toral mvstc!!yb~cause nobody seems to know -"

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forward button. Beautiful voice or not, there are just some times where you really want Aguilera to hit the damn note and be done with it, rather than dragging it

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Ah, Christina AguUera, the voice

of "This Christmas," Perhaps the . greatest shortcoming of this album is Aguilera's inability to keep this "diva syndrome" from seeping into every song. "Oh Holy Night," for example, begins in a very traditional way, with Aguilera piping out the high notes of this Christmas favorite. Midway through the song, in a deadpan voice, however, begins reciting "Our father, who art in Heaven ... " Somehow or another, after finishing the prayer, the song morphs from a quiet, ' Catholic-school choir song into a boisterous, evangelical jazz-filled R&B tune with a large cho~ clapping, chiming "Amen!" and shaking a tambourine right behind Aguilera piercing voice.

Lovers of traditional Christmas music of the Bing Crosby sort may find their heads hurring after about track 5 or 6 of this CD. The gorgeous and talented Aguilera may one day realize rhat rhere's no need to go all out on every song. The parts of the CD that are spared from the loud wailing are actually quite pretty and heartwarming, although they are few and far in between. Unfortunately, rhe other parts of rhe CD, like the techno remix of

"The Christmas Song" that pits the line "Chestnurs roasting on an open fire" to a thumping bass, just doesn't quite sell the combination of Christmas and disco, mediating by Aguilera, even if she is in a shiny, sequined red top.

Most importantly though, it is unclear which segment of rhe American population this CD was geared to. It is too mature in its content (Christmas, not sex) for the average pre-teen; too Pop for light-rock "Michael Bolton's Christmas" listeners; too jazzy and new-fangled for lovers of Christmas choir music; and too girly for men in love with Aguilera's bleached-blond locks. Perhaps this CD without an audience served more as Aguilera's qualification of her own ralent - after all, everybody who's anybody puts out a Christmas CD, right? All in all, if there is $15.99 burning a hole in your pocket that you can't do anything else with, it might serve better purpose in Aguilera's hands than spent on drugs or alcohol. Otherwise, don't even put it on the Napster queue.l\R Raring: 4/10

of a grown woman, the physique of a little girl ...

through a dozen note changes. Images of Aguilera spastically waving and flapping one hand up and down as she throws her head back and belts out high notes come to mind, especially in the last three minutes why anybody would care about Robert Altman. A safe bet is that he will deliver final, dramatic kicks to the faces of hardened criminals.

Bette Midler will insist on being the Attorn.ey General but instead will be annoying. Expect Robert Altman to deal with that problem. lello Biafra, despite fighting to control Missouri on the b~is of his involvement in the band Dead Kennedys, will instead be forced in the we-don't-know-who-youa re-o r-w h y-yo u ' re -cam paign i n g department of the government with the rampaging Robert Altman.

Willie Nelson will take over as drug czar and drugs will disappear off the streets.

Robert Altman will dramatically kick him in the Face.

This has not been a constitutional crisis as private citizens of the United States are ready to jump in and serve. Of course there will be kinks to be worked out in this new system in which the president, due to popular disapproval, is mainly a symbolic figure. Once everyone gets used to the constant dramatic caging of Robert Altman the country will return to normalcy - a normalcy defined by a lack of Baldwins, abundance of dead leaders, and Carrot Top using those dead leaders as props in a skit I about global warming.M:t l ~ ' I " I " l

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Orgy Dresse~ Up for 2nd Release, "Vapor Transmission"

By JOHN

PRATT

R;

MEMBER THAT VIDEO two years ago featuring a futuristic akeup-laden band playing a version of New Order's "Blue Monday" while prancing inside a transparent cube that was mounted on jerking hydraulics?

Well the band Orgy is back with 'Vapor Transmission," following their successful 1998 debut album "Candyass" which produced rhe hit single "Stitches." Not a stranger to lipstick and hairgel, Orgy srill has the same goth/glam appearance you might have expect from a band. Some songs on "Vapor Transmission" can be catchy, but seldom do they contain any elements of originality. The album s entrance has been less than stellar on the charts too. The band's excessive use of guitar distortions on the album leaves a trail of empty sounds and flat songs.

Mer listening to the CD halfway you wonder whether the last song wasleft on repeat or the CD is one long track oftired synrh patterns. Stay aWay from the fast jumpy song, "the Odyssey." Irs punk-like repitition could give anyone a headache after a few minutes. Lead singer III must think that keeping his tOngue on the bottom of his mouth while he sings is going to make up for the fact that the band needs to stop borrowing their drum beatS from Nine Inch Nails and their atmosphere from , tP~ t80~st l)e~pit~ the,ir 41}Qr~if.Y)pcgy

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did manage to put a couple of semi-catchy tunes on the CD. "Eva" has that radiosingle feel to it while the song "Saving Faces" will get stuck in your head. The heretic song "Re-creation" while it blasts religion for being a human-fabricated tool for escape and condemnation. All in all Orgy will certainly nor be one of those bands recently heralded by music mags for "saving rock." But if you liked the sound of Orgy's last album, "Candyass," "Vapor Transmission" will complement your CD collection nicely. Otherwise, steer clear oflycra and hair dye. Raring: 6.5/10lvR

New Music Ratings 5 - Fatboy Slim - "Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars" 7 - Roni Size - "In The Mode" 8 - Marilyn Manson - "Holy Wood" 6.5 - Orgy - "Vapor Transmission" 7 - Remember the Titans Soundtrack .,vI>:ated. \ _ ' ~..) out "':i ...,O. f}ll\ ._Yl ,.:.' ...., .11 •

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