Breaking the Election Board -
iSelection 2001 ':A personal account
By T.J.
WHARRY
HAVE ALWAYS been big on seeing the inner workings of politics, and I have been heavily involved in campus politics since I stepped foot on this campus. So, when I was asked to join the Election Board for the 2001 Fall Elections, I jumped at the opportunity. I was very curious to see how the Election Code worked, how the Board gave out demerits, and I wanted to know the inside scoop on any major scandals that ensued. Little did I know that the whole process would leave me soured on student government. To begin, the Election Board is a committee nominated by MSA to act as a jury during the elections, and itS main purpose is to hear charges brought to parties or individuals by other parties or individuals and to determine punishment. The guidelines fOr all of the Board's
I
actions are loosely laid out in the Election Code, a small section of the MSA Compiled Code. Emphasis on "loosely." The beginning of the Fall 2001 election season was kicked off with little action. One candidate was removed because •he didn't sign his paperwork, and another was denied entry into the
election because she turned her paperwork in a day late. Beyond that, the cases brought befOre the Board were ticky-tack issues, such as someone's poster covering 1/8 th of an inch of someone else's, or someone
Continued BOARD on Page 12
The elections may be over, but bitter feelings, among other
Affirmative Action Trial Update FROM STAFF REPORTS
ITING THE Immense Importance. of affirmative action to the University of Michigan, the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals voted to hear both appeals en bane, that is, before the full court. The October 23rd hearing was postponed to December 6th. The Center for Individual Rights filed a brief last year asking the court to hear the case en banc, but the court did not decide untij October 19th, four days before the trial. Both the Universiry and the CIR reacted, saying they were encouraged by the decision and expected that it would help their . case. Students interested in attending the December 6th appeal can contact buses@umich.edu for information on traveling to Cincinnati.Ml.
C
Greenhouse Gases and Other Is rape good for Hot Air By
MIKE PHILLIPS
TH LESS THAN two months left in his tenure at the University, President Lee Bollinger is under pressure from a group of over 200 faculty members and assorted environmental bandwagoners to improve the energy-efficiency in accordance with the Kyoto Protocol. Bollinger has responded apprehensively, and University energy officials have expressed confusion over the possible implications of such a call for change.
W
The protocol, signed in December 1997 by 25 industrialized nations, calls for a five percent reduction in the emission gases that allegedly increase global warming. Despite a preliminary agreement by the United States, the protocol was later stalled in ratification by Republican leaders and eventually taken off the table all . tc;)gether after the election of President Bush. International work on the protocol remains strong and has
Continued KYOTO on Page 11
Damn, 10 we 1011 to 'Micbipa SUIC AND Ohio wc year. What a disappoinUDcnl. Ob wcll. cba::k QUI anoI:her lOp r.cn list we put rosccbcr; it should ICI¥C 'as minimal CODIOIation.
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rom Suite ODe In this laue we· take ,OD ,Cuaiy why our educ::atioo ;u. isn't cutting it. And to these new dittribution ~ requimnalC" Sad. Sad. Sad.
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Yes. that'. right. thc Micbipn Delay. Yes, we ue I.in& to bnc TWO of Ibcm this Jar. and this is the &at msralllllCDt. Enjoy. We &mo.r I
you will.
CoIU111118 Juain baa a few cbinp to .ay .bout the security
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raka his ahoa dIiI week on cducation majors and thc
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DAMN forces routed, retreat
ID'"!, no more
More Mockery Inside ... Page 5
Loo~ u if U.s. SeDate is up · for ..... la 2002, .ad we ....twe major daamine wIao ClOIlIIaIa
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Ipage 2
•
TBIC IIICB10AR RBVIBW -
November 28. 200 ~
URP.NrS
SERPENr'S ' TOOTH '
In anintcrview days before her 20th birthday, Britney Spears has said that she's "on the verge of being a woman." After · seeing her bare-all performance at the . 2000 Video Music Awards, we'd have to say that, oh no, she's all woman already, not a little girl, and on a side note, we all became men for sure that night, no longer little boys. The government wants to use MTV to help Arab youth understand America better. Let's look at a sample listing: 3:00 pm - TRL: "Yeah, I want to hear 'Stronger' from Britney Spears. because she's the bomb! And we must wage a jihad until Israel is destroyed! Wooooo!" 8:00 pm - Jackass: Anwar Knoxville straps explosives to his. body and runs into a crowded marketplace. Havoc and fun ensues! . 10:00 pm - Dismissed: Why only date one girl , when Allah allows four wives? 11:00 pm - Wahabi Undressed: Sexy young coeds get it on, revealing all their . private parts, such as cheekbones, ankles, and forearms while talking dirty about the gl()ry of Allans promised 72 virgins in paradise. Warning: any 12-year olds caught pleasuring themselves to this will have their hands cut off. SOLE lead a protest against the war by remaining silent all day until 7:30 pm two weeks ago. We can only hope that these brave and resilierit souls will have am
and shut the hell
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up once more.
According to the Michigan Daily, the state of Michigan alone receives 180 tons of garbage from Canada daily to put in our landfills. Let 's get this straigh t: C anada has a smaller population than California, is the second largest nation on earth , of which 112 is an uninhabitable Arctic wasteland, and we're taking in THEIR garbage? Romanian officials are up in arms about a proposed Dracula theme park, but not over whether to build it, but where. Th e theme park is expected to generate 3,000 jobs aod help bring tourism dollars into the impoverished country. As of now, it 's supposed to go up in Transylvania, the traditional birthplace of Vlad the Impaler, on whom Dracula was based. Vlad the Impaler, for those who don't know, murdered thousands in the 15th century and got his giggles from impaling them on poles and displaying them; although he is revered for keeping Romania Christian. So, if a theme park about a,<mediev;U, .' murderous sadist and EuroDis!ieYare b¢&.t that Europe has to offer in terms of theme parks, then we have yet another example of why Europe sucks ass. So we lost to Michigan State AND Ohio State this year. Well, that should give them plenty to talk about around the water cooler at McDonald's and Discount Tires. Not to mention stuff to talk about in the unemployment line and at the welfare office.
The Campus Affairs Journal of the Universi~ of Michigan
Want to write hard-hitting investigative reports that will have ,the administration shaking in their boots? Then join the Michigan Review, the campus affairs journal of the UnIversity of Michigan. For the past 20 years, the Review has been delivering high quality news, commentary, and satire to the U-M commuriity. Wel}ave spaces available for reporters, editorial writers, photogra:ghersand;business staff. Interestei,£;,in journalism'? Politics? GQ'Pernment? Law?
VIEW -.----""". . "--_... .
"-"~.
PlJb/j~. hcr
James Justin Wilson A,,'iOC. Puhli,~hcr. Managing Editor
Ruben Duran Managing &Jill James Y. Yeb
10. Lighting their couches on fire before hauling them outside 9. Tossing thei r hairnets and paper hats into the air 8. Declaring .a one~week holiday on parole violationS . ' ,. .. ' 7. Taking TWO'b~ths' dusweek ' 6. The university pr~denrs allowing studenrs to come over totheit houses.' ana allowing them to tip Qve~ ~heh: p~identi.ii CO\\fS 5. Finding out just h6W shatterpr~f these new-fangled plastic beer ' bottles are 4. Drinking the ENTIRE box of wine 3. Taking that special lady out to a night on the town ... starting with dinner at Arby's 2. Sitting around and laughihg about how even though Michigan beats. them in academics, graduation rates, grad school admissions and number of non-felons, how great it was to beat them in football 1. Reiterate how book-learn in' ain't no imponant after all
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.1atthcw Ynnczak
Top Ten Ways Michigan State and Ohio State are celebrating their victories over us:
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Edilor-in-Chief
Three students at New Bedford H igh School in N ew Bedford, MA were arrested for plotting a Columbine-style massacre. Come on guys, shooting sprees as a means of mass murder is sooooo two-years ago ...
ExcCtllivc Editor AMPUS AFFA IRS ED: AT'L AFFAIRS ED: ASSISTANT ED ITORS: OPV EDITO R: SENIOR ED ITOR:
Mike Phillips Bl'1Id Sprecher Din Lfvf
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Or send mail 10: The Michigan Review 911 N. Universiry Ave. Ann Arnor. Ml48109
• LETTERS TO THE EDITOR "Sexist, racist, homophobic" error found in Review Dear Review staff: I am writing about a sexist, racist, homophobic error I found in the Serpent's Tooth of the Nov 12th edition. The error is in the snipit "With Luke Massie .. ~" In this you claim that it "begs the question." This is a usage error generally only commited by engineers and communications majors, but to "beg a question" actually means to answer it in a circular manner so as to bring one back to it. To elucidate by example: Yesterday, HD Cameron asked me why a particular verb was in the subjunctive in the Plato passage we were working on. I answered that it was be,cause of the syntax of the sentence, to which he replied "well of course it is, Mr. Conway, but you're merely begging the question." The answer was that the main verb was in primary sequence, thus requiring a subjunctive verb as opposed to an optative. By merely attributing it to syntax, I was begging the question in the proper sense of the phrase. This is sexist and racist because Luke Massie is a caucasian male. Oh, well. Hmmm. Well, I'm swe that if you went to someone in BAM-N, they could tell you why it was sexist and racist. As to the homophobic element, I was merely employing the 'rule of threes.' Hopefully future editions of the Reviro; will not contain such Dairy-like grammatical errors, it pains me to see these in one of the only campus papers within which the editors actually appear to edit for grammar. Sincerely, Benjamin Conway P.S. Thanks for editing the word 'faggots' in the title pare that only liberals like me read (I'm not swe what _mb~ is, however), that was quite PC of you.
Review "not doing its job" To the Review: The recent back-and-fonh between the ReviniJ, the MSA executive board, and Students, for Life president Andrew Shirvell has been very interesting for me to read about, as ,I was an MSA executive officer (Student General Counsel) several years ago. Both campus media and student governments have certain obligations to each other and to the student body as a whole. D.C. Lee is correa when he states that the press often functions as a check on power of corrupt politicians." The Reviro; has played this important role in the past, and given that we certainly cannot expect investigative reporting from the Daily, it is refreshing to see the ReviroJ looking into possible abuses of student funds by MSA executive officers. In this light, it is unfortunate that" No4n and Cash do not want to speak to the Review. Two major caveats, however: first, N ol~ and Cash refuse to speak to the ReVIew, Lee says, because they consider it a "tabloid." There is some merit to this point of view, as the Reviro; has not treated them altogether fairly. First, the R~vuw ran a picture apparently showing Nolan drinking at an ABTS meeting. But as it turns out, this picture was not taken at the ABTS meeting in question at all. In another article, the R~vi~w gives frontpage status to a story that essentially amounts to this: the MSA e-board spent 1/20th of a percent of their budget at meetings at the U-Club during which MSA business mayor may not have been conducted. Not quite Watergate, is it? (By the way, I can say with utt~r certainty that the 1999-2000 e-board never ate at the U-Club or anywhere else with student funds.) Furthermore, the article expresses bafHement that the MSA e-board should have needed to meet at all, since "MSA does little as classes wind down." This is patently false . U
And this raises the second caveat: if campus media have a duty to investigate and report what they find, they also, have a responsibility to develop a full understanding of the way MSA works, and to use that knowledge to educate and provide information to the student body. (And a tip from me as an old-school MSA guy to you: these won't be the things that ' are discussed at Tuesday meetings. But you're the media - you're supposed to know that!)- If the Revi~ models its reporting of MSA on the Daily (cover Tuesdays, cover elections, cover scandals), it is not doing its job. If the Rev;~w doesn't take time to get facts straight, it's not doing its job. This is why you recommended that students not vote in MSA elections. Come on guys - do you really think it would help students if the small check on the administration tunning rough-shod over all of us that is MSA ceased to exist? The best example from my own experience involves MSA's proposed revisions to the Compiled Code a few years back. Then-R~vi~w editor Jacob Oslick came to talk to me. I gave him copies of ow documents. tried to explain ow rationales, and gave him a whole list of other student leaders and administrators to talk to. He expressed appreciation fur. the complexity of the issue and assured me he would investigate fully and save the story for aJater issue of the Reviro;. But of course the story showed up only days later, and it was shoddily written and made many factual errors. He didn't mangle it quite as badly as the Dairy (that would hardly have been possible), but he did do some serious damage. Nolan and Cash (and MSA leaders in general) would be more likely to see the &view as a legitimate media source and hold up their end of the bargain (i.e. talking'to you, even when it's unpleasant) if you held up yours (i.e. conveying accurate information about what MSA is up ~o, even when there's no scandal or DAAP-sponsbred resolution), As for Shirvell, his "you-scratch-myback-and-rU-scratch-yours" suggestions seem rather unethical, as D.C. Lee recognizes. I remember Shirvell fundly
from my MSA days - particularly his appearances at MSA budget-approval meetings, where he wou1d make all sorts of extravagant threats against the assembly were we to dare to give Students for Choice a penny more than Students fur Life (number of members in each organization and number and scope of planned events apparently were irrelevant in his estimation). But in a roundabout way, he raises an important point. It's something I'd always wanted to say when I was on MSA, and something Nolan said in a viewpoint he wrote for the Daily earlier this term. That is: when campus media make student government look ridiculous for no particularly good reason, they weaken the voice of all students. Good or bad, the administration looks to MSA to represent students. Administrators thrive on the divisiveness of the student body (that and our short institutional memory), and they read cat:JlpUS media to assess it. So nothing can be J.Dore damaging to the student voice. This is not say at all that the Revi~ should give Nolan, (or anyone else) a free pass because of their political views. And it's not to say you shouldn't report wrongdoing if you find it. But think carefully. Be evenhanded. Don't go overboard and exaggerate what you've found (or the importance of what you've found). Put the blame where it belongs. And most importantly, recognize that what you say has consequences not just for the people you criticize, but for the effectiveness of all students who try to represent other students (and this involves a lot more than just MSA reps - it involves every student placed on every university committee by every school "and college government). Take the time to cultivate an understanding of the way MSA works, and to develop a working relationship with student leaders. This is the oply way in which student governments and campus media - though pwsuing differ~nt goals can still work together constructively. Josh Trapani
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[Page 4
• FROM SUITE
November 28, 200 ~
TIlE IOCRIGAN REVIEW - BDlTOIUA LS
ONE
'Old School'
"U" is losing sight of the basics
A
s the University seeks to broaden the minds of its students and produce well-rounded citizens, it expanded its Race and Ethnicity requirement and implemented a new Creative Expression distribution. But sadly, we have lost sight of the fundamental goal of education: to produce articulate, critically minded and quantitatively capable individuals. The two key problems with the undergraduate experience are the lack of emphasis on reasoning skills and the movement toward discussion-based courses. This produces graduates who are unable to condense their thoughts, arriculatc points and effectively communicate ideas, but who are more than willing to open up about their race identity and sexual orientation. We have transformed from an institution of learning into an overpriced self-help center. While personal identity mayor may not be important to the collegiate experience, it should not be emphasized over traditional education in logic, reason, classic literature and simple mathematics. This strong classical education has been tossed aside and replaced with a cheaper, dumbed-down, cute and fuzzy, touchy-feely version that churns out moronic alumni who are unable to argue effectively, write profoundly or think critically. University graduates are unable to assess statistical data in Time or Newsweek and are easily deceived by blatantly false claims that rely on shady data. If the purpose of education is to enhance intellectual ability, then how has . this goal been lost? Part qf the answer stems from the emphasis on creativity and expression, while ignoring more pragmatic skills such as reasoning ability. True, LSA has a Math & Symbolic Analysis Distribution requirement, but it can be filled with classes like Math 127 Geometry and the Imagination and Stats 127 Games Gambling and Coincidences. Although these courses are no doubt interesting, they fall grossly shon of teaching the basic principles of logic and providing students with the intellectual fortitude and theoretical foundation to cross-apply their knowledge to other fields. The other disease infecting the quality of education is the rise of the discussion-based course. In these classes, it is expected that students will learn from one another through dialogue and discussion. This premise is entirely flawed because it assumes that
uneducated, 19-year old kids from West Bloomfield have more valuable things tQ say than the professor who teaches the course or the GSI who is writing their PhD thesis on the topic. Why is the State of Michigan wasting taxpayers' money on giving the ignorant a podium? Are we to believe that those who are the most uneducated have the most valuable things to say? Or that expression of opinion leads to knowledge? This is clearly dubious. One of the worst examples of this academic decline is the two-credit course Psych/Soc 122 - Intergroup Dialogues. This discussion-based class is taught not by a PhD, or even a GSI , but by unde rgraduates billed as "trained in teamwork, communication, facilitation, and social justice education." Clearly, these "teache~s" are not qualified in any academic discipline and are tools of the liberal indoctrination process. And the poor victims are awarded two credits ' for enduring the bombardment. The LSA course description is as follows: "The goal is to create a setting in which students engage in open and constructive dialogue, learning, and exploration concerning issues of intergroup relations, conflict and community." It is amazing that the University awards two credits to students simply for having conversations. We should not be surprised that we graduate idiots when they've been inundated with stimuli from other ignorant students. A typical schedule for a student of yesteryear included courses in calculus, logic, classic literature and ancient philosophy. A baccalaureate would be familiar with the teachings of Aristotle, be able to calculate simple percentages and be able to recognize a formal fallacy. The class of 2002 is the best class thus far in the area of Samoan gender roles, and is duped into believing ridiculous, ideologically-driven assertions like Kinsey's claim tha~/lO% of the population is homosexual. They lack the fundamental tools to build on their prior knowledge and think critically when presented with new data. These courses are so esoteric that they fail to teach fundamental concepts, and they are completely useless as educational tools. This upcoming Winter term's theme is: "Women Who Rule:d: Gender, Power and Representation." Although geared toward social justice and subtly pushing the liberal agenda, it's not education and it's certainly not worth the price of tuition and four years of student lives. We'd be better off' sleeping in~ 'Ml
Tribunals Justified
M
ore than just planes hit us on Sept. 11 . A good hard dose of reality hit us as well. This good hard dose of reality showed us what war in the 21 " century will look like. In a 21 century war, common civilians are the targets. In a 21 " century war, information is a weapon, and mistakes with it are disastrous a~d can burn years after we make them. In a 21 " century war, there is no set battlefield, just crumbled buildings, abandoned Senate offices, and tapes yve can't show on CNN. In such a war, we dare not sacrifice our weapons and aid our enemies just to protect the niceties of society. We must support the tribunals. In this war we now fight, which for lack ofa better term will probably go down in the history books as the Al Queda Wars, we cannot afford to let the enemy know what we know. Confusing? Consider this tactical misstep made back in 2000. We knew that bin Laden used to communicate by satellite phone. In fact, the CIA used to intercept his communications all the time. When we tried the bombers of the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, we released documents showing that we had monitored bin Laden's satellite phone communications. After those documents became public, bin Laden didn't use his satellite phone again; then September 11 happened. In a public trial where the evidence will be broadcast over CNN tlle instant it is presented we will lose whatever intelligence advantageS we might gain over Al Queda. This ilOt only means that their methods of communication will change, but also any informants we have in the organization will be killed. We are not dealing with a democracy here. Bin Laden will not give our informants a fair trial. On the other hand, we will be giving Al Queda a much fairer trial than they might deserve. The rules of the tribunals that Bush has put forward will grant AJ Qucda .councilapd the rishet .to.ia trial. Sf
The trial will just be ,secret, because we cannot afford to co mpromi se our intell igence. T hese trials will require a two-thirds vo te am ong the judges to convict, and the Secretary of Defense and the President will review rn ese convictions. Are som e civil liberties no rm all y extended to U.S. CItizens being compromised? Yes, bue so what? We are not dealing with U.S. citizens for the most part. We will be dealing wirn bin Laden and his associates abroad , and a military tribunal is more due process than he would be given if tried under the Taliban's normal rules. Let us not also forget that we are at war with AI Queda. Any Al Queda member we capture is a prisoner .of war, and the acts he has committed are war crimes. What is called for is a military tribunal. This is a long-standing practice for enemies at war dating back to the time of the Civil War. This is not some new means devised to abridge our civil rights. We did not flinch at trying the Nazis under a war crimes tribunal. We still want to try Milosevic under a war crimes tribunal. We should not flinch at trying Al Queda under a war crimes tribunal, no matter how trendy it has become to haee the U.S. system and criticize the war effore. Bin Laden does not care if someone hate his country. Bin Laden wants many American citizens dead. In order to stop that from happening, we may have to be a lietle less public with our information. -We may have to stop men on trial from contacting 'o utsiders with information about our intelligence. Sure, it sounds bad, but so does the sight of the Sears tower lying across Michigan Avenue as nothing but a shattered pile of rubble, downtown Los Angeles se[ up as a triage center for people dying of radiological contamination, and innocent American civilians dead because we weren't serong enough to do what was necessary to protect the country. In the words of Justice Robert Jackson "the Constitution is not a suicide pact."lvR
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NEWS: 76-WHO CARES CLASSIFIED: 76-SELL YOUR BODY
tl . One hundred efeven J'ears qfedltoria! vias
Is rape good for'U'?
SAC President Defeated at Waterloo
Students Against Sexual Assault Debate Zeta Theta ,Psi By Wang Hung Lo For the Delay
Students Against Sexual Assault and the Zeta Theta Psi fraternity meet in the Kunzel Room of the Michigan League, or Union, whichever it's actually in, to debate the issue of sexual assault on campus . SASA's remarks tended to focus on how women may identify unsafe situations, such as being around men, and how to react to them
appropriately, such as by kicking the men in the groin. "Not only can a kick in the groin render a potential male helpless by putting him in excruciating pain, it gives you a great feeling of feminine empowerment. HEE- YAAH!" said SASA president Nome En as she kick Delay reporter Wang Hung Lo in the groin until he fell to the floor, writhing in pain. The Zeta brothers had a somewhat different take on
sexual assault. "I mean, being passed out is a type of consent, rightT said Zeta Theta Psi chapter chemist/ bartender Hill D"!gu, "and girls are going to pass out sooner or later in a natural process called sleep. Where's the harm if we help them along a bit by adding something to their drinksT "It's a win-win situation. Or at least a win-doesn't remember it tomorrow situation," added chapter president Ivan Tarapeya.
"The way I look at it, it is a victimless crime," he continued. However, the exchange of ideas that was to ensue was cut short by the SASA members inysteriously passing out after accepting glasses of water poured by' Drugu. When asked if this meant that that would be the last word on sexual assault, Tarapeya responded, "Not quite . Would you help lIs take these ladies back to our house?"
'MSA: Feces flung, most productive meeting e,ver By Oliver Klozoff Delay Staff Reporter Yesterday 's MSA meeting entered into a stage predicted by many as inevitable as representatives began to actually fling poo at each other. The poo-flinging began during the debate to call the question on an amendment to an amendment to the motion to approve last meeting's minutes. The original motion was to change the deSCription of the crazy random intelligence facts guy from "crazy random intelligence facts guy" to "crazy random intelligence facts man." Perpetual Representative Jessica Curtin moved to amend "man" to the gender neutral "persyn" to avoid any possible implication of sexism, and by
See POO, Page 3A
Wemesday
From Le Monde Waterloo, Belgium- Reports last Tuesday indicate that Lord Wellington's forces were successful in defeating French forces under the command of Students Against Choice (SAC) president Andrew Shirvell. The attack commenced early Thesday morning with Lord Wellington fortifying positions around Mont St. Jean and awaiting reinforcements from Blucher's Prussian army. Shirvell employed no noticeable tactics, as he just screamed and hollered about the unborn and his divine sanction to take over the world. By 3 p.m. the forces were in a full fight. At several points Wellington ordered his cannons to target Shirvell, but reports indicate the cannon ball s just flew over Shirvell's head. By 6 p.m. Blucher's Prussians were attacking the French flank in a de facto pincer attack. Shirvell had no noticeable counter-tactic, as he just screamed about how a defeat against him was a defeat against the unborn. Shirvell was reportedly exiled.
DAMN forces routed, retreat â&#x20AC;˘ Report: Campus leftists retreat to East Quad By Wink Martin Delay Staff Reporter
The forces of leftist student group DAMN have retreated to their spiritual stronghold of East Quadrangle Residence Hall after losing a series of pitched ideological battles on Central Campus, independent reports have confirmed. But analysts warned the group would not be
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vanquished that easily. "Even before September ll, it was clear that out~ide forces were influencing the top leadership of DAMN , as indicated through the ma~s busing of high school students to campus and the foundation of the group 's feared Detroit Brigade of elite activists," said Percival Sullivan, a campus historian. "1 fear to think what will happen now that campus has turned on them." In fact" i(s clear the Detroit Brigade may be thinking similar thoughts. Approximately 10 of the group's members continue to hold out in the northern Kresge Building, armed with a variety of irritating leaflets and copies of MIM Notes. About
Campus News DAMN rallies for cold weather, YAF, Jesse Jackson Protest Squad protest.
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20 regu~ar DAMN members are also with them. Defectors have reported many of those wish to 'leave, but.fear doing so lest they be branded "corporatist, imperialist warmongers." DAMN's stronghold in .the University'S Comparative Literature department surrendered three days ago. Still, the group's remaining supporters have vowed to continue fighting. "You will hear more from DAMN," vowed Comrade Cessica Jurtin, the group's supreme leader, a<; she spoke "from a safe, secure location" in the Residential College. ''Trotsky willing, we will build a mass militant integr.ated civil rights
See DAMN, Page 3A
Nation/W'orld More Inane Resolutions MSA passes resoultion condeming the Delay, Review staff, Reagan. Page7A
Mullah Muhammed Massie
Sports Michigan Field Hockey Team wins National Championship, no one cares. Page8A
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The Michigan Delay -
Wednesday, November 28, 2001 420 MAY-NERD STREET ,ANN ARBOR. Ml 48109
" dellly.1ellers@umich.edu ,
,MIKE HUNT SEMI-EDITEDANDM1')MANAGFDBY S11JDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITYOFMICHlGAN
SINCE 1890
Editor in Chief
MIKE GANJA
VL.ADlMIRItVICHWOOMER Editorial Page Editors
Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opiilion of the majority of the University's proud Communists and Democrats.
FROIVI TI-IE DEI...A,\:'
Abolish Admissions ecently, lbe 'U' has come under fire for irs admissions polices. The 'U' bas DOt gone far enoup in easurin, a diverse eotaina cIus beat'. tbcy ItiU take inIo coasideratioa dIinp like OPA aDd SAT scores. CurreDlly, Idmitsion weips beavily on Ibe SAT and GPA IDd !bus abe 'U' is overloaded wilb o~ina Asians wbo did oolbiog but srudy aU duoup biab sclIool. By aaIdq ,wriIiDa qualify inIo coosidenlioD. the 'U' filii die ... ofdle ~ widl mediocIe wbi~ people' WboIe oaty . . . is dIIllbey lie JiIen8e. Clearly. the 'U' il cliacrirniDatiDa apiDlt those whole life ezpaieDces make it impouible for lbem to F' hip amdcs. tat ICOreI or learn to wriIe. k islbelOJifeezpaieDces ._ mate a penGo. 'sbouid be 'biabIY VIlued by ualveniry commuaily: 1'boIe who have diveno' Ufe iDaase abe quality of evcryooc'. ,educadOll, aDd furthermore, IOcial justice dicIIIes people ale abe molt daaviD& of a -mniry educabOo. The UDlveraity-ia in the uaiqae poIidoIl 01 beiDa.1bIe 10 provide leDdy to ___ of iaeclequKy ad iojuldce.ad it more imDodaDl to recdfy Ibe
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wroop ofabe past lhan to aa:ept wbal tbe privileged caU 'qualified' studeDb. Tbe very idea of 'qualified' is divisive. It creates two group.. seareaatioa the cpwlified from the idiots. 1bis SlJaIification OIlIy clisrupl5 the diversity of the University more. IOltead, the phrase 'adcql'lle1y diverse' sbould be used.
Moreover. dlese life experieDcea make the diverse umvonity that Michl,... il famoul for, aad thu., ,the adm!'lioiIIpucas......~ oa . them other thlD 00 objOcaive criteria such u test
SCorel, ...adel, activitiel. award, or writiD, samples. Judaiol 1OIDeCJDO', lICademic aIIiIily baed 011 tat ICOIeI or pIdeI is dcIrIy fJawd iii lUI doeID't couicIer'poeudat
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Ibe lppliato'" bearis. True diversity caD be achieved only wbea life expedcDces are tbe ooly fador CODIidered. Tbeo the au' will be able to ac:bieve its 'critical dIeD we caD be&in the procell of we ecb:IIioa. WiIb tbia new admilliou pollcy, I!M!I"WMII! wiD beaefiL
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T IN PASSING I don't have a column today, so I figured I'd remind you that yes, I am a Palestinian, and yes, Israel is brutally oppressing my people. - Zmer Aarh "Hail to the Proletariat!" - Vlad Woomer
If there's one thing I'm against, it's G. W. Bush, and if there's one thing I'm for, it's nice, hot man-meat. And boys, you better be hung. , - Peter Wackyourham
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They said I couldn't have a colurrm. - Ari Paul "Emily Achenbaum graduated, so I'm left to think I'm the prettiest Ed Board member." -Joanna Hanik Yo yo yo. I met this straight fly iced-out baller (bling-bling), chillin' with bis peeps. His hair was co'nrow'd and he had Some fly-ass gators. For real. - Rebecca Isenberg
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I'ill, like, you know ... so Ghetto Dog REBECCA IRONMOUNTAIN
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kay, like , you 4 know, so I'm, like, you know, ~ fro m ~ r~'~ , , 1 Birmingham. For real! It's like . you know, like soooooo ghetto down there. I mean, like, just two weeks ago someone like. totally spray painted a sign down there. I mean, like, "Helloooooo, you're turning this place into a ghetto!!!! !" I like, told tllis guy from Detroit what h,appened, and he was so totally like "You think YOU'RE from a GHETIO!?" And , I was so totally like "Ya, you know, I'm like. so totally from, like, you know, New Jack City or something. It's like, you know, so dangerous out there." And can you believe it, he like so totally walked away from me. What? Like I'm not gO<Xi enough to talk to because I'm from the ghetto? I like so told all my friends aboUt it back at the sorority. ,I
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was like "Then he so totally walked away from me." And they were like "Really, you like, really mean it? He like, walked away from you?" And I was like, "Yeah, he like, so walked away from me." He's so, like intolerant. "Yeah. ' like, 1 know." I'm so glad, I like. grew up in a like, totally tolerant place like Binningham. I like, so went to school , with like, three black students. I mean, can you like, so totally dig the diversity I grew up around. It was like, so cool. I mean, there was like. Britany, and she and I were like, so totally best friends. We like always used 'to By off to like, France in the summer. I got to do her nails, and she like, so totally did mine. It was like, so cool. And then there was, like, James. I so totally got to see the disadvantage blacks in this country go through with him . I mean, like, can you believe the only job they would give him was, like, as a vascular surgeon? I mean, like, imagine how tough
BAG that must have been. Imagine , like, the sacrifices they had to make to send him to Yale. I mean, like, they only hired ONE SAT tutor for him. We were like, all so happy for him when he got accepted and all. We were all like. "We so love Affinnative Action." Cause, they like, probably wouldn't have accepted a 1600 on the SAT or something. So , I like , so totally love diversity. Except, like. when it's all scary and stuff. Like, I remember these guys from Famlington Hills came one day. I mean. like, I was so scared. I mean , like, kids of autoworkers and stuff. It was 500000 icky. Ew ew ew!!!!! I mean, imagine. like your dad working for a living. And then they came to MY city, like Binningham . I mean, like "HeUooo, you so don ' t belong here! " I guess that's like, what you have to deal with when you're from, like, the ghetto and stuff. Thug life up in this, like, biznatch.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR All conservatives must die To THE DEl..Av: This letter is in response to the letter written in response to the column 2 months ago by columnist Irene Patricia Freeley. Her claim that "All conservatives must die," while actmirnble, si mply does not go
far enough. No, no, we must hunt ,them down one by one, and boil them in putrid pig fat until their skin blisters off. There is no room in this new, progressive world for the likes of racist, misogynistic, and homophobic fascists . These people must be quarantined, so as not to ..infect their peers with this "freedom" thought. and the notions of personal
accountability and responsibility. Who better to control every facet of your life than the allknowing government? Let the withchunts and brainwashings commence! We must make way for the mass. militant civil rights and socialism movement! Dragnes Allyoppla DAMN Puppet
Winning the War Against TerrorisI11 YURI FRAKINOSOV
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
A merica ~ ./""\once
h~s
agalll rushed into war of '-:\ . .15 imperialistic ~\:l , . domination in the name of apple pie and cheap oiL Instead of trying to track down and eliminate the root social and economic causes behind the terrorism, Bush's cigar-smoking, oil-drinking, election-rigging fat cat puppet masters have decided to go with the popular opinion imprinted on the masses by big media and actually try to punish those who funded, assisted, and planned the terrorist attacks. However, when the root social and economic causes of the attacks against America are examined, a single entity is present in every one of them: America. Thus, it is clear that any war against terrorism, in order to be effective, must inevitably be a war against America. This realization brings the ~
true question about the , war against terrorism to the forefront: How can we most effectively triumph in a war against America. . America is a vast nation with a ' significantly powerful military, which would be disastrous to attack head on. Instead, we must make contact with dissident groups within America. Unfortunately, anti-American forces control only a small fraction of America, having solid control of only Ann Arbor, Michigan and Berkeley, California. Even within these areas, not all the Anti-American forces would make suitable allies. While theDelay Editorial Board and SOLE would be suitable all ies in a war against America. we must be cautious of BAMN. Despite being one of the most militant anti-American forces and holding territory in both Berkeley and Ann 'Arbor, BAMN cannot be trusted. They have the potential to be as oppressive as the current
system of capitalist oppression that Americans currently endure. Having established the potential sources of assistance, we must now analyze what target" to strike within America. This attack should be two pronged. taking out the heads of the capitalist organizations and destroying the industrial infrastructure they use to create the social and economic oppression that leads to terrorist attacks. Among the capitalist oppressors that we must target are IBM CEO Lou Gerstner, Starbucks CEO Orin Smith, and Boris Frakinostov, the capitalist pig who says I cannot move back in with him and mom after I graduate unless I get a job. Once the Americans are deprived of their personal computers and overpriced cappuccino, the rest of their resistance will quickly fall.
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W~nesday.
NEWS
November 28. 2001
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U.S. drops bombs on puppies, Afghanistan Michigan Independent Seized 500 copies of The Michigan Independent' were seized after failing to meet quality controls. DPS reports stale. lI s bad art criticism, particularly unfunny Report Card s and poi ntless ramblings, were considered dangerous and unlawful. Officials warned tbey would continue seizing the publication ' s entire print run if it didn'l shape up. No report wa~ worth filing .
Rodent Assaults Students Four students claimed to be standing on the Diag , minding their own business, when they were approached by some manner of rodent. Though the students ignored the rodent, it continued to make noises and reportedly "spit" on the students before scurrying away. DPS wa~ caIled and charges were filed . Several of the students hav.e sought restraining orders.
Copy of Stolen
Garg
DPS reported Wednesday observing an individual stealing a copy of the Gargoyle. The individual claimed he wasn't stealing, even tbough DPS had observed no one else take the paper all day. Later. Gargoyle staff reported that it was, in fact, a di stribution station for the Gargoyle. Charges of theft were dropped. Charges of taste were filed.
Fraternity Caught Having Fun Sixteen members of Sigma Nu Mu fraternity were arrested after they had fun at a party. Department of Public Safety reports state. The fraternity members had purchased two kegs of Milwaukee ' s Best beer and numerous bottles of fortified wine, the contents of which were to allegedly be distributed to minors . DPS states an undercover police officer, claiming to be 19. demanded a cup of "the Beast" about an hour into the party. Upon receiving it, the officer left and returned with two SWAT teams, who invaded the fraternity house. caused major property damage, and arrested every member of the frat .
CRATER, Mganistan (AB) - In a press conference yesterday, Taliban officials condemned the U.S . for its continued bombing of their homeland, citing the "coIlateral" destruction of several medical facilities , including an orphanage in Boston, Massachusetts. Though thoroughly denied by the U.S. military and the city of Boston (mucbto the dismay of many Yankees fans) , these unverified claims have touched off protests from many anti -war groups on college campuses, including the University of Michigan . Protesters have occupied the Un iversity President's offices. No comment has been issued from the
DAMN
Continued from Page 1A
movement. And we wiII not be stopped by a bunch of right-wing lunatic lackeys." Such comments have made the group infamous since its rise to prominence in 1999. Known for its unwavering fidelity to backward ideology and an eerie devotion to failed Soviet leader L.D. Trotsky, DAMN ha~ vowed to ,destroy the institutions of the God-fearing American people and replace them with their own twisted governing panels. But things began to go badly for the group this year. Highranking officials defected. Former alIies created groups such as Students Supporting Rational Dialogue. And militants formerly aligned with DAMN left the group in disgust after its silly antics and childish tantrums became all too irritating. "I rue tha-day I ever signed up
Administration. The reports were met with even mor.e wl?ight as an additional report wa" issued in the waning hours of the morning. Apparently, a truckload of adorable puppies was incinerated by a "Daisy Cutter" firebomb. "There is no excuse 'f or this atrocity. These innocent puppies did not stand a chance against the vile American death-fire. I caB for all Arab-American dogs to fully armed 1ihad against the , American snakes!" exclaimed Taliban spokesman Muhammad Abdul-Muhammad . "These puppies are innocent! Are they to be punished for a crime they did not commit? We .demand evidence as to the guilt
of these puppies before any attacks continue! We shall fight and resist to the very last man, , woman, puppy, and kitten! We will not stand for the slaughter of innoCents! This is no longer a war against Islam, this is a war against puppy-dom!" Muhammad continued. Secretary of Defense Rum~feld had bis own side to the story. ''These puppies had it, coming! What's more, the city of Boston wiII never see a sports championship anyway, so whal good are they? Besides, we can get rid of all those damn Kennedys! We're gonna git them fuckers!" exclaimed Rumsfeld, as he straddled a hydrogen bomb and proceeded to wave his
with DAMN," said Michael Q . Harris, who leads a group of 15 activists in Couzens Hall. '" mean, really, it must have been a case of having some bad acid or something. I don't know what I wa~ thinking." Harris, who has switched sides 9 times in the intervening months since DAMN first began to weaken, said he iooked forward to taking part in creating a campus environment where everyone could debate an issue freely, without being shouted down as a "compradore lackey of the right-wing conspiracy." And others suggested that Junin, the group's maximum leader, may not be entirely in control of the group. 'Those Detroiters came in and screwed everyt!tingup," said the group's former propaganda minister, known only as RC-21. "She can't even make a move without having an OK from Duke Lassie or those other idiots." "Who do you think came up
with the idea to change our name every second week? Sure wasn't her. And when is she going to graduate anyway?" RC-21 continued. But campus historian Sullivan and others suggested the group's classic blunder was intruding upon a campu s vigil for those who lost their lives in the September 11 attacks. "How can you disrupt a freakin' memorial service on the day of the worst attack ever against the United StatesT' a<;ked LSA student Michael Harris on the- recently .liberated Diag. "That's freakin' wrong." And other Students expressed joy they would no longer have to deal with the tactics of the feared DAMN pressure squads. "1 can listen to my lectures," said a quivering Ted Norris, a History major, who has not attended a class in Angell Hall without having a fire alarm go off since August of 1999. "{ can actual\y learn something again."
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extension racism and homophobia. "There is no rea<;on that this assembly's minutes should be racist. sexist, or anti-gay. I will continue to tight against segregation, for integration. and for affirmative action by any means necessary," Curtin explaIned while arguing the pro side of the amendment to the amendment. After a few cycles of debate, a motion to call the question was made. While arguing the pro for this m~tion, Studerit General Counsel lohn Carter wa~ hit by a glob of feces of indeterminate origin. Carter responded by defecating in his own hand and , flinging portions of in the general directions of the cQncentrations of DAAP, Michigan Party, and University Democratic Party representatives. Representatives from . these parties responded in suit, covering the entire executive board with a barrage of human wa"te. For the next twenty minutes, MSA was engulfed in a literal "shit storm" as representatives bombarded their rivals with handfuls of fresh excrement. Eventually, the representatives exhausted their supplies of feces and the motion to call the question was passed. The balance of the meeting went along in a smooth, if somewhat malodorous, manner. Delay Weak and Etc. columnist Ben Goldstein, who witnessed the incident, described it as "vaguely arousing."
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cowboy hat in the air. Secretary of State Colin Powell was not available for comment, but his office did refer reporters to a recording of bim performing a rendition of the "Banana Boat" song, entitled "Come Mister Tali ban." StiIl, troubling questions remain about whether opposition forces can hold together long' enough to defeat DAMN's remaining forces . Rumor has it that the self-proclaimed President of Pro-Life Students at Michigan, Andrei ShirkweIl, has already clashed with other opposition forces over who wil\ make the final approach upon the Kresge Building. At stake is not only the prestige of ridding Kresge of DAMN activists, but also acquiring the group's fleet of three sport utility vehicles the front entrance.
Have no .frimtls? Like wearing BirkenstiJcks? Don't like taking showers?
You are NOT alone: ' Join the Residential College.
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5."'.4.1•.••3.".U::w NEWS
Oliver Clothezoy, B.rely M.Mglng editor
STAFF: ~1kItz. ....".HoMr.MwldllHugonIat.,. . ICaa.....,~ EmmItl..amr. ~Plhllala.MlQActil.MldeT~
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STAFF JacabAuldl.Rov-8od<hotny. ~F. .,FeIdMndoOulpt, ..... ~, K8I1-a..rR.elfnDNd"Men,J F. ~CIIIIc*, SeemuaO'....1he T~OrInIdng~• • tt.t 0'Gc*I. B..J. PInaa:Ho.OirII~I.
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The Michigan Delay
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Weak and Etc. Magazine -
Wednesday, November 28. 200 I
November 28, 2001
MAGAZI~E
Random student is a hottie
The radio still sucks By Arsee Farsee Delay Arts RepOrter
That's right, kiddies, that drivel and smut that is known as ''pop'' culture music is not the only slime that permeates our minds. The musical vomit - known as "classic rock," "pop," "rap," "r&b," and pretty much any music you can buy at the Best Buy megastore conglomerate is crap. Believe it, Mr. and Ms. America You must not spend your money on this "proven" music. Instead, journey to yon Olde Underground Music Shoppe and venture into the world of "Music that no one has heard of and really reaily sucks." Do not listen to the proclamations of the listening world at large! Expand your horizons into obscure electronica, and find the joys of Satanic Polka-techno. Satiate your obscure music libido in obscure groups such as Slaughtered Puppy and Electrono-rotic Cyber Pussy. It is only through "indie" music like this that you can truly appreciate original sound, Stripped of any commercialization or "sellout" qualities that might make it
marketable, this no-name, undiscovered treasure will bring you to new heights of musical appreciation . Gone are any semblance of rhythm or tone. These transgressions are never heard in the art of Postmodern music. Instead of tempo and pitch, assault your ears with a crescendo of unintelligible garbage. Take, for example, Mechanical Soul Puppet's single, Falling Metal #6, which consists of the soul-stirring sound of a Shop Smith being pushed down an elevator shaft. Their next project is rumored to investigate the tranquility of a dozen mousetraps being set off simultaneously on the tails of a dozen 'cats that have been lit on fire . The cats, that is. It is also important that no one has heard of these bands. Only those groups that consist of members who are still living at home and working at the Village Corner, while listening to their fathers drone on about "making someihing of themselves" are worthy of your listenin~ time. In a shameless self-plug, for the love of God, people, BUY MY CD!
Writings on the wall Adventures in 'U' men's rooms There once was a man from the 'U,' Who needed to take a poo, So he pulled down his pants, And then took a chance, And found some enlightenment too.
By Art Sequer Delay Arts Writer
The Michigan Delay: So, how do you feel about #Ie recent tragedy? Random Student: Well, at first I was angry, but now I'm glad that we're serving up justice to those responsible for the attacks on America. TMD: Attacks? I was referring to Will and Grau not winning an Emmy ... RS: What? TMD: Vh ... moving along .. . so how long .. . er, I mean OLD are you? RS: 20. TMD: Inches? Well, that's beside the point. What have you done lately to "get . back in the swing of things"? RS: Well, I went out to California for a while ... took a trip to Hollywood. Saw some sights out there ... TMD: Ooo .. . did you make it out to San Fran? I love it out there . .. there is great shopping, and the shows are to DIE for ... RS: Vh .. . no .. . TMD: So is everything going smoothly for you? RS: Son of... TMD: Son of? May I suggest some good lube? RS: Who is this really?? TMD: The Michigan Delay, of
course. So, what did you have for lunch ... ya know ... to get back in the swing of things? RS: Well, actually, I had some salad .. . TMD: Toss~d salad? RS: Actually, yes ... TMD: Ooo ... well now ... ifyou don't mind my asking ... was it ... good? RS: Vh, I guess so .. . it was mostly lunch ... TMD: Did he squirm a lot? Hate when they do that . . . RS: Vh . . . you're no~ gay are you? TMD: I prefer the term "jovial." And why wouldn't I be? I had a tossed salad for lunch as well...Moving along, what activities are you involved in? RS: Well, I'm part of the Detroit Project. I specialize in planting trees in impoverished neighborhoods. TMD: So you enjoy spending long hours on your knees, working up a sweat? So do I. Well , that's all the time we have. I'll be sure to get your name, number, address and measurements after we get finished here. RS: Has this just been one big, long gay joke? TMD: Big .. . Long .. . Gay . .. Mmmm ...
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by I. C. YOUPEE Philosophy above third floor Mason Hall urinal
(November 28,
2001
Page 9
COLUJDiS
TIlE IIICB1GAN REVIEW -
.The Case for Profiling: It Makes Sense
路 O
N MY WAY back to home last weekend , I played first hand witness to America's "heightened" airport security. As I waited to board my plane, two snickering security guards walked down the line and eventually pointed to a woman with two children. They explained that they were conducting a random security check, and they proceeded to rummage through James her carry-on Justin Wilson' luggage and frisk and her he r children. Did this make me feel any safer? No. The Wolverines had a better chance of making it to the Rose bowl than her being a terrorist. And it's not that I have a problem with the rummaging and frisking and all, it's the randomness. Why were they wasting their time frisking her, when there were plenty of more likely hijackers in line? Because that is profiling and THAT is wrong, at least according to the ACLU and the rest of the PC crowd.
Now close your eyes and picture the typical airline hijacker. Let me guess. It's a guy with a mustache, beard, black hair and a tan complexion touting some sort of automatic rifle shouting "Praise Allah" and other gibberish to his comrades. Would you describe him as an Arab? I bet you would. Are you a bad person for thinking that? Probably, at least according to the PC crowd; you're no better than the "racist pigs," who pull over blacks for DWB, Driving While Black. Are you completely unjustified in believing this? No. In fact, Arabs have conducted the vast majority of airplane hijackings. Dating back to 1966, certain Arabs have been hijacking planes, blowing them up and generally rcaking havoc with air travel all in the name of Allah and Jihad. Can you imagine a single, pregnant, black woman with two kids in tow (I'm not trying to perpetuate any stereotypes here) attempting to hijack a plane? Or what about a 70 year-old Jewish couple on their way to Boca for the winter? Probably not. Now try and describe this person without alluding to race or gender or any , other protected classes. You probably couldn't mention his turban or his skin color. Pretty difficult, isn't it? This is the task the FBI faces with the current taboo
on profiling. I thought about all of this while stuck in an unending line on my way home last weekend. And in the end I thought to myself: What is wrong with profiling? Not a whole lot. As it stands right now, this "heightened security" is a farce. All they do is look at your ID a few extra times and confiscate your toe nail dippers and straight rawrs. I'll tell you this much, if anyone attempts" to hijack a plane with a toe nail clipper, he's (notice it's not she's) going to have about 50 guys , 2 air marshals, 4 flight attendants and 3 pilots ready to tackle him. And do you really think a hijacker is going to admit to "not having their bags under their control at all times?" . So obviously there is a problem. People are standing in mile-long lines, being subjected to unwarranted, random searches and generally harassed for what benefit? Certainly not increased security. The problem is people-power; there just aren't enough people to do the job, so they act like taking knitting needles and screw drivers will help. It's an issue of resources <\I:ld how they can best be allocated. With the passage of the Airport Security Bill, we're going to see more of the same, but now' that will be accompanied with the competence and
efficiency of federal employees , Great, I Americans with Japanese h eritage in internment camps, 'The court quickly feel safer already. We need to reallocate 'o ur security realized the shortsightedness of their ruling resources to target those most likely to and ever since the Equal Protection Clause has reigned supreme. In particular, the pose a real threat. And when I say target, I mean pcoftle. Supreme Court ruled that universal For the same reason that you can't security screening was constitutional only under two tenents: First, the security imagine a 70-year-old woman toting a measures must be universally applied, and kitty-kennel and knitting needles hijacking a plane, she secondly, it must shouldn't be only be applied to Can you imagine a singl~, subjected to the search for weapons, same scrutil1Y as a pregnant, black woman with Never again would nervous-looking, race, color, or creed two kids in tow (I'm not be used to single twen ty-something trying to perpetuate any out individuals. Or Arab with an Afgan Of passport . stereotypes here) attempting would it? course, that doesn't Th e Supreme to hijack a plane? mean th at we can Court al so ruled afford to overlook that using race as a non-determining factor in ad mitting grandmas and the like, They should be college students was admissible. Even, if subjected to the same scrutiny as everyone el se, but others who meet a terrorist you agree with affirmative action, you can't proftle should be further scrutinized. help but see the paradox this presents, In one situation , people don't want to be Before you starr waving the judged by the color of their skin with Constitution in my face, let me qualify regards to a crime or potential crime, even my proposal. I'm not proposing that we if it's statistically accurate. Meanwhile, subject every Arab to a full body-cavity search, rubber gloves and all. T hat these same people diligently fight to be judged by the color of their skin when wouldn't be right. In fact that would be seeking the benefits of affirmative action. unconstitutional. In 1944, the Supreme Cowt upheld the federal government's plan to detain Continued SECURITY on Page 11
Why the Educational System Just Isn't Right Tag is a crappy game for recess
D
o YOU
REMEMBER the last time you played t~g? At re~ess probably, sometime durtng elementary school. Ever remember how long the game lasted? Probably not very long. You see, when little Billy is "it," the only classmates he can tag are those who are slower than him. And when little Billy tags little Sally, ' Lee thereby forcing her into the unenviable _ _ _ _ _ _ __
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"it" position, the only classmates little Sally can tag are those who are slower than her. Soon enough, poor littl e Michael, the slowest child in the class, is "it." Little Michael cannot catch or tag anyone-and the game degenerates. The educational system is no different. And it's no surprise how quickly it has degenerated. Consider for a moment all the education majors you know. Granted,
there are not many at the University of Michiga'n, but consider education factories such as Eastern Michigan University, who graduates more teachers than any other school in the country, and Miami University in Ohio. What do you know about these students, these teachersto-be? What do you remember about them from high school? Many of these "students" spent more time smoking weed than studying remedial E:nglish and Geometry (which they took as seniors). Many of these students spent more time with cocks in their mouths than books in their faces.' It has been said that, on average, education majors consistently graduate in the bottom third of their graduat ing classes. So what we have, essentially, is the bottom third of college graduates teaching students who grow up to major in education and graduate in the bottom third of their classes and who, in turn, teach students who grow up to major in education and graduate in the bottom third of their classes. Walter Williams 'notes that, "Schools of education, either graduate or
undergraduate, represent the academic slums of any university. They're home to students who have the lowest academic achievement test scores, be they the SAT, GRE, ACT, MCAT or LSAT." In short, the academic rejects of yesterday are becoming the teachers of today. Soon enough, the academic rejects of today will become the teachers of tomorrow. And the game degenerates. In a recent study on "Measuring the Teacher Quality Problem," the Thomas B, Fordham Foundation reports that 51.1 percent of students in high-track Hi!ftoty classes in public secondary schools (grades 7-12) are taught by teachers without a major o r minor in Histor y, Similar atrocities abound in other subjects and exacerbate the already obvious problem. So, not onl y is teacher quality falling at a phenomenal rate, but those wao are teaching are also not necessarily qualified to be teaching in their respective fields. This is the tag equivalent of playing with little Phillip, the one-legged, wheelchaired, 'tard in the, class. It's just not right.Mt
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Senate Up for Grabs
ENGLANDER
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HE UNITED STATES Senate is up for grabs in less than twdve months with the Democrats holding to a slim 50-49-1 lead and Republicans needing a net gain of one seat to regain conuol of the chamber. At first glance that seems possible, but very difficult. Out of the 34 Senate seats up for dection next year there are 20 GOP held seats and 14 held by Democrats; however, most of those seats are not realistically competitive as Senators such as Jack Reed (D-RI~ and Chuck Hagd (R-NE) have no chance of defeat. The result is a variety of opportunities for the GOP to retake the Senate. One pundit recently noted that the GOP is fidding its best class of Senate candidates since 1990. This works in tandem with the fact that most Senate seats up for re-election next year are in the conservative South and Midwest regions, friendly territory for the GOP.
Minnesota Paul Wellstone (D-MN) was redected with just 51 % in 1996 and has drawn a strong challenger in Republican St. Paul Mayor Norm Coleman. Wells tone is one of the most liberal members of the Senate, even to the lefr of most voters in Minnesota a state that has tended Democrat (the only state Reagan never carried). However, Coleman is a former Democrat and is currently a liberal Republican. This can often be troublesome for a GOP challenger because his conservative base might not turnout to support him, but Republicans hope that in this case the base will turnout to defeat the hyper-liberal Wellstone, while Coleman is liberal enough to grab the center and even some Democrats. To top it off Coleman ran for statewide office in 1998, taking second to Governor Jesse Ventura, so he has previously built a ' statewide base and name identification. He also has raised quite a bit of money and is polling near Wellstone . already, nearly a year out from Election Day.
South Dakota In conservative South Dakota, which President Bush carried with 60% of the vote there is a Democrat up for redection, Tun Johnson. This is Johnson's first re-election and he too won a tough dection with just 51 % of the vote in 1996. Not only that, but he too has drawn a strong challenger in Congressman John Thune. South Dakota only has one congressman, so Thune, like Minnesota's Norm Coleman, has a statewide base and
statewide name identification. Thune is also immensely popular in the state and is actually polling ahead of Johnson already. Some have tried to trump this race as Bush vs. Daschle because Bush made multiple overtures in successfully convincing Thune to not run for Governor, but rather to challenge Johnson for the Senate. At the same time Daschle, also from South Dakota, has stated that the re-election ofJohnson is his # 1 priority. This appears to be the GOP's most likdy pick-up.
Missouri Former Missouri Four-term Congressman Jim Talent once again gives the GOP someone with proven statewide credibility challenging a precarious incumbent. Talent narrowly lost his bid for Governor of Missouri in 2000 amidst charges of voter fraud in St. Louis. Now he challenges Senator Jeanne Carnahan, a woman who has never run for office and is only a Senator by way of her late husband. When her husband Mel Carnahan died the state rallied to dect him6ver Senator John Ashcrofr as a tribute to him, sporting Tm still with Mel" bumper stickers and buttons. Talent is well liked and is a proven fundra iser and campaigner, An interesting issue that looks to play into the dection is that Carnahan voted against Ashcroft's confirmation to be Attorney General, and now he has sky-high approval ratings in Missouri.
Iowa Iowa is the showcase of another tough battle for the Democrats as another one of the most liberal members of the Senate, Tom Harkin, faces another tough ·redection, Harkin won his 3nl term in 1996 with a bruising victory with 52% of the vote. 2002 looks to be similarly close, as Harkin has drawn moderate Republican Congressman Greg Ganske. Ganske has angered conservatives with many of his votes and appears to be a good fitfor Iowa, which swings either way. Ganske is aggressivdy raising money already and travding the state.
Georgia Further down the list of competitive seats would be Georgia, where first-term Senator Max Cleland has drawn Congressman Saxby Chambliss as a challenger. Senator Cleland squeaked into office with just 49% of the vote in 1996 and 2002 will be the first referendum on his performance. Congressman Chambliss now jumps into the race because the
Democrats who control the redistricting process have cut his district up and he has nowhere to run, so he will seek higher office. Chambliss is probably the ideal challenger to Cleland and is a good fit for the state. However, Cleland is a war veteran, a particularly suong background in light of recent events. He has voted in l!ne with what Georgians would want and Georgia's favorite, conservative Senator Zell Miller, has already promised to campaign for Cleland.
Missed Opportunities in u,uisiana 6Montana There are also several conservative states that host Democratic Senators up for re-election next year where the GOP has squandered excellent oppOrtunities for pick-ups. In Louisiana, Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu won in 1996 with just 50% of the vote amid charges of voter fraud. She has drawn Congressman John Cooksey a Republican recently made famous by his unfortunate comments regarding Arabs. Cooksey is a decent, but far from ideal challenger. However, the GOP has done a far worse job recruiting in conservative Montana. Democrat Max Baucus won in 1996 with 50% of the vote, and last year Gore garnered just 33%.
•
In
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New Hampshirr The Oems top two targets are Senator Bob Smith (R-NH) and Senator Tim Hutchinson (R-AR), Smith has drawn attention for his high-profile primary opponent in Republican Congressman John Sununu. Sununu, the son of a former New Hampshire Governor who was also former President Bush's Chief-of-Staff. is the young, articulate Republican who has challenged the activist conservative Republican Senator Smith. Pro-Lile and Pro-Gun conservatives have rallied for Smith always a pioneer on those issues: The Democrat nominee will be Governor Jeanne Shaheen. Shaheen will be a formidable candidate as she has been elected three times to Governor; however, she has drawn a lot of controversy recently for her wotk with schools and taxes. Polls sh~w Sununu beating both Smith and Shaheen, and Smith trailing Shaheen in a general election match-up, exuemely rare for an incumbent Senator. All this bodes poorly for the conservative Smith who is seen as possibly the most vulnerable incumbent of either party. If he wins the primary and faces Shaheen a victory will be difficult; however, if Sununu wins the primary he is likely to hold the seat for the GOP.
Michigan Arkansas In Michigan, Four-term incumbent Senator Carl Levin is up for a fifth term. He won In 1996 with 58% and appears to be set for re-election next year. His opponent is Three·term state Representative Andrew Raczkowski. A statewide poll shows Levin with less than 55%, good news for the little known Raczkowski. As a young , articulate, energetic conservative and an offic;er in the U.S. Army Reserves, Raczkowski might be just the person who can draw an appropriate contfllSt with Levin. He clearly has a very uphill battle against the veteran Levin, but he is doing the right things 't hat . will be necessary to be competitive and to possibly win.
NewJmey The one other incumbent that gives the GOP a chance to make a pick-up is in New Jersey where Democrat Senator Bob "The Torch" Torricelli would normally face an easy re-election, but an ongoing investigation into his 1996 campaign finances and allegations of ethics violations have brought a rash of bad poll numbers, His vulnerability and the likelihood of the GOP picking up this seat correlates with what the investigation brings .
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Tim Hutchinson in 1996 was the first Republican elected to the Senate from Arkansas since 1879. A conservative Christian Republican, Hutchinson has had some trouble with his base due to his messy 1999 divorce and then remarriage a year later with a former staffer. Democrats also threaten GOP incumbents in Maine, Oregon and Colorado. However, in all three races the GOP appears to have dodged the worst possible challenger. The GOP also looks likely to hold their seats in North Carolina where Liddy Dole is likely to succeed retiring Senator Jesse Helms and South Carolina where Congressman Lindsey Graham is likely to succeed retiring Senator Strom Thurmond. Ultimately issues out of the control of any of these candidates might determine their fate, namdy the war on terrorism and the economy, however, the GOP appears poised to re-take the Senate with an excellent class of challengers to Democratic incumbents, poor challengers to their incumbents, plus possession of the White House.~ letters@michiganreview.com
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[ November 28, 200 1
.KYOTO from Page 1
THE IIICB1OA11 RBVIBW -
what changes could be tpade . to reduce Uni~ersity emjssions. Hen<;e, added costs would result in the formation of research proven to be a point of contention for Bush and Kyoto countries; however; the and planning groups to forIl1ulate these President is also strong in saying that the specifics. With tough financial times treaty is unfair and unteasonable in its dem ands for the U .S. to cooperate. overshadowing most endeavors this .rear, Although the United States would be most much speculation can also be drawn about this call to action for the. University. heavily restricted by the treaty in that it has the highest emissions of any other Tuition jumped 6.5 perc<;nt this year to country at 26 percent of the world's deal with budget shortages, and the emissions, China and India, close behind financial crisis resulting from the the U.S. in emissions, are exempt from September 11 attacks make hopes of a reform under the protocol. brighter financial future even more dismal. . In addition, Bush has noted that the Hence, increases in funding to energyfinancial resources necessary to conform efficiency would seem difficult to undertake in coming to the treaty would be exorbitant. An Translations of these changes years . In addition to increase in energy to the University specifically costs, much of the costs of at least $2,000 per are undetermined, hut would effort ,..to reduce household would no doubt have similarly ~high greenhouse gases is unfounded. result according to costs resulting from the According to a studies by the overhauls and restrictions · Jonathon H. Adle; Wharton artidf! The National Econometric that would be required, Review, «iii a 1997 Fore c asting poll, most state-government climatologists Associates and the Charles River disputed the claim that 'human ;. activities Associates. Heating costs would increase are already disrupting the global climate.' as much as 70 percent and gasoline prices True, the environmental group Ozone would increase at least 50 cents per gallon. Ac~on got 2,600 scientists, including Translations of these changes to the several Nobel Laureates, to sign a petition University specifically are undetermined, making that claim. But a counter-petition, but would no doubt have similarly high circulated with a letter from Frederick cost incrc-ases resulting from the overhauls Seitz, past president of the National and restrictions that would be required. Academy of Sciences, has garnered over In addition, confusion has resulted as to
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planned for the next several years. ltmay 18,000 signatures, including many from be a time for strategic planning on energy physicists, geophysicists, climatologists, nearer to the end of current efforts, when meteorologists, oceanographers, and better funding might be available and environmental scientists. Scientific truth current is not determined by undertaking s majority vote, but there Whether it be the affirmative would not be is clearly no 'consensus' . action crusade currendy undermined. that human-induced Finally, the undertaken by the University warming is here." by Even if global or this current environmental calls environmentalists warming is a valid concern, it is somehow the to the University concern, many local look for belief of liberals on campus initiatives already serve President in some capacity to that this public institution Bollinger to take conserve energy at a lead · in an must be a leader in the fight Michigan. The Energy Management program for specific political victories. internationally unsuccessful and local efforts of effort. Whether Energy Star since 1997 have worked to it be the affirmative action crusade investigate and upgrade energy uses at the currently undertaken by the University or · University to be better efficient. Energy this current environmental concern, it is Star has undertaken five stages to somehow the belief of liberals on campus implement in the next seven years. Steps that this public institution must be a leader include: lighting retrofitting, optimization for specific political victories. in the fight of existing equipment, HVAC load While 200 faculty members support reductions, HVAC distribution the petition, a great deal of people improvements and ' HVAC plant associated with the University do not~Such improvements. calls should be disregarded not only According to its website, the program because the actual merits of complying is a means of focusing and better with the Kyoto Protocol are questionable organizing the University's diverse energy in many senses, but mostly .on the basis management activities inexistence and to that a public educational institution more evenly allocate available funding. In crusading for liberal beliefs is not in addition, the program looks to increase accordance with its mission and should student support and to cut costs in tight be stopped and refoc used.Mt . hence financial times. Efforts of Energy Star ar e well
SECURITY from Page 9 Did I mention that a Gallup poll reported that 7 1% of Blacks believe that airport security should pay more scrutiny to Arabs. That is above the number of whites who support proftling. Every person on the FBI's "Most Wanted Terrorists" list is an Arab. But if the FBI is going to apprehend these terrorists. it is impossible to look beyond race when every single one of them is an Arab. Race is one of many descriptive characteristics and just because a few people's feelings might get hurt, that doesn't mean that it must' be completely overlooked. What needs to be done is simple: People who clearly fit the profile based on a number of factors must be extensively scrutinized, and race must be a central, but not determining factor in their search. If this means profiling, then so be it; these guys have the blood of thousands of Americans on their hands, and we need to get them. This doesn't mean we should pass judgment on all Arabs, but it does mean that if you are named Mohammed, you are an Arab, you are from Yemen, you are traveling alone, you have a pilot's license, you are on an expired visa, and you paid for your ticket in cash. expect to be scrutinized.Mt
CPAC Is the Oldest & Largest National Gathering of Conservatives ... CPAC Is the Place to Be for Conservative Students www.cpac,org or call 1-800-752-4391
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Students attend for FREE!!!! Students who pre-reglster can attend the three-day conference for free, a $90 value. Other free events for students are also available at www.cpac.org. The dates of the conference are Jan,uary 31- February 2 at the Crystal Gateway Marriott in Arlington, V A. Please call 1-800-228-9290 for hotel reservations if you need the1l1. The individual who generates .the most registrations for this year's CPAC will win an all expense paid VIP trip for to the Reagan Ranch in Santa Barbara. California courtesy ofYoWlg America's Foundation.
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BOARD from Page 1
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forgetting a "paid for by" notation on the .y STAn IluoKn Blue Party MSA Praident Matt Nolan's • On email list "UofMEuc.hrc:· - of bottom of their posters. It appeared that frienda li.t for bi. MSA pre.idenr he is a kader, along wirh-Blue Party M the election was going to be clean and When FOR was 'faced wirh a hoaiIc . campaign. President Matt Nolan . .uneventful. uprane Court. intan on saiking down • 4 arc Icackn the U-M Euchre club • On email list ·compadres,· meanin That all changed when a member of . blatuldy unconstitutional propoals. be along with Blue Party MSA President Mart ·friends'" - an e.mail lisr for a group 0 one of the parties caught the Blue Party l:Ievised a simple IOlutioo: Pack cbe court Nolan. friends including Blue Party MSA Pres:idcn inside a closed, locked building in the wee itb cnoup juscica to succaa. • 4 are on the cmaillist ·compadra" - a Matt Nolan. hours of the morning. These campaigners Now. wonder why me Central Srudent smalliisr of 11 people. of whom FIVE are were using their illegal entry to monopolize udiciary dismiacd charges apinst the cirbcr CSJ justices, or. you guessed ir, Blue Justice Jennifer Seamon the wall space at the MLB and Dennison, The.Whi te. House Iuc Parry and Blue Party candidara, eYal Pany MSA Presidenr Mart Nolan. widely known as the crown jewels in every ,ougb the violations of illepIly breaking postering campaign. to buildinp were doauncnced by DPS Can candid,... expect justice when me deck Justice Jun Takayau The Blue Parry members gained access is .taebd 10 heavily in &vor of the Blue com pad res, F r i e n d S 0 fN 0 I a 0 ru and ClOUDdas wimeaca? to the MLB some time before 4:30 a.m. UofMEuchrc, The.White.Howe Party? on Monday, Nov. 5th , and began postering. incidence? Or do these guys just all At approximately 4:30 a.m., two members Justice John Schafl Justice Steven Couch 'pen to be Eucbrc f.uu? of the Michigan Party found the Blue Ooanaillist--rbe.Whirc.Housc·-Blue· compadres, FriendsofNolan campaigners inside the locked building, and Pan)' MSA Praidcnr Mart Nolan's bouse UofMEuchre, The.White.House the 9 CSJ Justices: immediately called DPS. A report was filed, 5 are mcmbcn of "The White Howe· part)' list. and the Blue Parry members were ordered .• liat, Blue Pany MSA President Mart • 00 email list ·FricodsofNolan- - Blue Justice Stephen Lund to leave, but no charges were filed. Parry MSA President Mart Nolan', friends com padres. FricndsofNolan olan', Howe Party list. The following morning, at 4:20 a.m. UofMEucrue,The.White.House Mt list. are membcn of -FricnddNolan· on Tuesday, Nov. 6"', DPS found 3 Blue Parry members inside the MLB putting up students, they would have-been ar~esi:~d . rules (V.1.2.b). that the Election Board had overstepped its posters again. Again, a report was filed, and booked for trespassing. At the hearing, Meves and Clifron were bounds when it determined that the parry and the Blue Parry members were asked to Given the solidity of the evidence, the represented by MSA Law Rep. Chris had violated the integriry of the elections. Blue also decided to argue the three leave, but no charges were filed. Election Soard immediately began to Sheehan, a member of the Blue Party. Their The morning after that, at 6:20 a.m., decidepiitli~hment. One member of the casecentered around their assertion that demerits to the entire party based on what when the Dennison building was still Electib'n Bo'.ird was in favor of removing the buildings were not closed, and that even they deemed improper notification, despite closed, a few Un iversiry Democrat the whole parry, while the election director if they were, no law was broken. Parry co- the fact that the Election Code specifically members arrived to find that the Blue Parry was initially in favor Ofissuing one demerit chair John Carter argued that despite there states that candidates may not argue had already covered the walls with posters. to everyone in the party. Also discussed being a rule prohibiting entering a building demerits until they have been removed from Thus, the Michigan Parry, along with was the integriry of the case as it would while officially closed, since it had been an election (Y.1.3.b ) . Election Board the University surely be presented commonplace in elections past, these representative Alok Agrawal pointed this Democrats, put a to the Central actions should be overlooked~ Both Meves out to CSJ , citing the specific wording of case before the Student Judiciary and Clifton admitted to being in the the Code (which CSJ is required to adhere The fact that CSJ Election Board, circumvented the very Code in the event of an buildings as accused, but that they didn't to) , but CSJ decided to ignore the Code charging the Blue and hear the case anyway. ejection, since know the buildings were closed. they were sworn to uphold CSJ ruled that Meves, Clifton and the Parry with violating such a decision is The Board adjourned to deliberate. We state and local laws. always appealed. It discussed the ramifications of our decision, Blue Parry were not properly notified of effectively castrated the More relevantly, the was determined and tried to decide on a fair punishment. their charges, and that the demerits were Election Board. case charged the that the only two The prevailing mood in the chambers was to be dropped. CSJ blatantly ignored the Blue Party with members of the that a message had to be sent, and the idea Code's stipulation that the demerits could violating several Blue Party who of four demerits for everyone in the parry, not be argued and ruled that the demerits Election Code rules, including integriry of could be removed from the elections were as well as Meves and Clifton being ejected to the party be dropped as well. As a result, Meves won his election and elections (V.H.9 of the Compiled Code), Scott Meves and Brian Clifron, the two was discussed. I was adamantly in favor of violations of free speech and discourse names mentioned specifically in the DPS the parry-wide demerits, but suggested that is now a MSA Representative. Clifton (V.G.2), as well as (V.H.8), which stipulates reports. Twelve members of the Blue Parry three demerits would be fairer. The reason missed the final LSA seat by a few votes. that no candidate or party may violate any were being accused, but the DPS reports for this was that the Blue Parry had already The news of the demerits and ejections state or local law in the process of only mentioned those' two names received a parry demerit, meaning that the received minimal.coverage in the Daily, specifically, S0 the Board felt that the best party chair decided who the demerit was which essentially considered the events campaJgnmg. In this complaint, the heads of the chance for success in a CSJ he;u-ing would . going to. Blue's Medicine candidate had inconsequential and irrelevant to the Michigan and Universiry Democrat parties lie in MeveS and Clifton being removed. volunteered to take that demerit, and had election. As for myself, after hearing the decision asked that a full investigation begin and Over the course of the next few days, we issued four demerits to everyone in the that the entire Blue Parry be removed from as Michigan Party and University party, he would have been ejected from the of CSJ, I immediately resigned from the the elections. Democrats members rounded up their election, as a candidate is ejected after five Election Board. The fact that CSJ circumvented the very Code they were This request was not taken lightly by evidence and produced DPS reports, the demerits. the Election Board, as we discussed these Election Board discussed and dreaded the It was decided that Meves and Clifron sworn to 'u phold effectively castrated the events and their potential consequences at decision that was going to have to be made. be removed fr9m the election, and the rest Election Board. The precedent set by their After the DPS reports and the entirery of the Blue Party members were to receive decision is that the Election Board has no length, determined to let justice prevail and of the complaintS against the Blue Parry three demerits each. The decision was given power to enforce the rules of the election, punish the offending parry fairly. Guilt was obvious. The DPS report were received, Election Director Elizabeth to the Blue Party me~bers in attendance, as any decision it makes will be appealed (DPS Incident #01-06701) stated plainly And~r~on e-m~i1ed Meves,Clifton, and at which time party co-chair Jessica Cash and overturned by CSJ. CSJ's decision set that three members of the Blue Party were the two heads of the Blue Parry, to let them stated that Blue was going to appeal to CSJ. the precedent that the Code is irrelevant, in the MLB at 4:30 a.m., well over two know that they were being accused of these The CSJ hearing was set for the next and that CSJ has the ultimate authoriry not hours before the building officially opens. violations. The e-mail stated the nature of day and initial briefs were exchanged. Blue's only to hear the cases presented to them, By state and local laws, such actions are the violations and was sent well over 12 defense centered around a technicality in but also to decide by what laws they are considered trespassing, and DPS told the hours before the hearing before the which they claimed that the party wasn't going to judge them.Mt three individuals that had they not been Election Board was to be held, as per Code properly notified of the accusations, and
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