Summer 2005
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan
Volume XXIV, Number 1
Summer 2005
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Welcome Freshmen!
New Student Issue www.michiganreview.com summer2005.indd
First three copies free, additional copies $5 each. Stealing is Illegal and a sin (Exodus 20:15)
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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — FROM THE EDITOR
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TheERE Unoffi cial Michigan Dress Code AT THE Michigan Review,
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we’ve noticed some emerging trends among the fashion styles of students. Students, more often than not, dress unabashedly according to clique. The one ubiquitous accessory is, of course, the iPod. We put together a small guide for the freshman (and slower upperclassmen and grad students) to help wade through the mess that is fashion in Ann Arbor. Football Saturdays—A delicate balance between wearing as little as possible, and as much Greek Life paraphernalia as one can manage. The official season football shirt is considered mandatory. Monday Morning Class—On Monday’s, students are likely to be dressed more cheaply than any other day of the week. Frequent articles of clothing include sweatpants, old shirts used for painting, and an iPod. Friday Morning Class—Whatever you wore out Thursday night, and an iPod. Sorority Girls—Generally, tight, formfitting black pants and/or sweatpants with their letters strewn across their ass to give you an excuse to look. Many sport colorful tees or polos, when they’re wearing shirts. If there’s no snow on the ground, they’ll be in Ugg boots, and if there is, they’ll be in skirts. Mandatory accessory: gay best friend, and an iPod mini. Frat Boys—Often seen sporting Lacoste shirts in pastel colors, making one guess they’re these new-fangled “metrosexuals.” They’re protected from accidental decapitation by popped collars.
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FROM THE
New Yorkers—One of the larger caucuses here at Michigan, their undying affinity for the sub-par Yankees will be expressed by hats, tees, sweatpants, and their iPods—onto which they’ve curiously downloaded the organ songs from Yankee Stadium. Art Schoolers—As Bohemian as possible. Here on campus, they’ve singlehandedly led the revival of paisley and puke-green corduroys. For artists, you could be near-sure that they’re functionally colorblind when dressing themselves. Engineers—Glasses are a must-have for these students, leading the “geek chic” wave, minus the “chic.” More often than not, they’ll accessorize with TI-83 calculators and pocket protectors than iPods. Their shirts are invariably stained with drool, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew. The überprep—This conspicuous group moonlights at Frat houses. Jeans are strictly prohibited, and the wardrobe was generously provided by Banana Republic. You can often notice they’re coming by the scent of overpriced cologne or perfume from 100 yars away. Professors—Usually more underdressed than the stereotypical tweed jacket with patches with the elbow would suggest. Most professors here are notable for their long hair, and stench of patchouli oil, as well as their standard-issue iBooks (and, of course, accompanying iPods)
a star, this depressing bunch (often seen protesting random causes across campus) spend most of their time reminiscing about the good ‘ol days when Mother Russia loomed large.
Remember Members Only Jackets? Well, its dirty little stepchild, the NorthFace Jacket, is everywhere on campus. As much as this University prides itself on being diverse, the most noticable diversity in color comes when talking about the different color jackets kids sport around campus. The astute reader might have noticed that we think iPods are a wee bit of a trend here on campus. But we wonder: now that everyone else has their earplugs in, what are they listening to? Perhaps trendy Wilco? Classical Yo-Yo Ma? One thing is for sure, the iPod is the single most ego-boosting accessory a student can own. We can assure you, our taste in music is much better than your’s. And for all of you that waste those 20 GB on your iPod, filling it with Justin Timberlake, 50 Cent, and the latest “American Idol”--screw you too. MR
The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan James David Dickson Editor-in-Chief
Paul Teske Publisher Nick Cheolas Content Editor
Sekou Benson Michael O’Brien Content Editor
ASSISTANT EDITORS: Carrick Rogers, Tomiyo Turner STAFF WRITERS: Andrew Hoekstra, Aaron Kaplan, Jeremy Linden, Rafi Martina, Brian McNally, Ryan Steusloff, Noah Tulin-Silver, Chris Steiber, Jim Suits, Patrick Teske Editors Emeritus: Michael J. Phillips The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous contributors to the Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of the Review’s editorial stance. The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal. So I now know the joy (er....horror) of the New Student Issue on summer nights. During the day...I’m getting paid to do nothing, Ruben is not getting paid to do something, and Dan, is sadly the only one combining the two. Ps...don’t chill reading this paper in East Quad...it’s fuckign weird in there. Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, and donations to Publisher c/o the Michigan Review.
EDITOR
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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW
Content Editor
Scarves have, in the past few winters, become the “it” item. Try to restrain the urge to strangle off the person who tries to explain the different ways to tie your scarf.
Marxists—Dressed in their *shirts with pictures of either Che Guevera or
HERE IS NO comprehensive “How to get the most out of your time at U-M” guide in existence. That is your job, one you will be expected to excel at from the moment you set foot on this campus. The Freshman Orientation edition of the Michigan Review is set to ease you along in the adjustment to college life. Inside you will find articles on how to behave during your first day at class, a quick overview of the major issues on this campus, plenty of informative guides on the places to go and the things to do in Ann Arbor – all of which are topics I never read articles about upon arriving to Michigan. What follows are the things we wish we had known when we first came to campus. So, read the issue, take it with a grain of salt, and use it in a way that benefits you as an incoming freshman. The University of Michigan offers innumerable opportunities, if you are willing to seek them out. We have the chance to study under world-renowned scholars, to take educational risks in our liberal arts curriculum, and to meet incredible people in the process. Michigan students work hard and play hard. Come to campus prepared to do both. Someone could – people often do – go through one’s entire four years at Michigan without leaving the Fishbowl and getting into the scene; or vice-versa, one could party his days and nights away without balancing that out by working
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Summer 2005
hard towards the degree he came here to get. We’re all here to get an education, but don’t forget that “education” entails all of the things you learn outside of the classroom, the things that don’t show up on transcripts and test scores. Get involved. Find activities which interest you and explore them; you never know where your interests will lead you, and you’d be cheating yourself if you never took the chance to try and find out.
Editorial and Business Offices: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 mrev@umich.edu http://www.michiganreview.com Tel. (734) 678-5116 • Fax (734) 936–2505 Copyright © 2003 The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network.
Very Respectfully,
Love us or hate us, Write us. mrev@umich.edu Editor-in-Chief, the Michigan Review 2005-2006
6/20/2005, 4:08 PM
Or send mail to: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Ave., Ste. 1 Ann Arbor, MI 48109
Summer 2005
THE THE MICHIGAN MICHIGAN REVIEW REVIEW — CAMPUS — CAMPUS AFFAIRS AFFAIRS
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“Ann Arbor is Boring” How to View Your New Hometown
BY JAAMES DAVID DICKSON
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NN ARBOR IS a great city. But a word of advice: appreciate Ann Arbor for what it is, acknowledge what it is not, and make the most of the place you will be spending nine of every 12 months for the next four years. The people who complain that Ann Arbor is boring often have not taken the chance to leave their houses or dorm rooms and explore it; do not fall into that trap. Remember, bored is boring. Whether you like movies, a stroll in the park, arts, sports, or music, Ann Arbor or the University of Michigan likely have what you are looking for. What follows is a few of the “hot spots” Michigan students frequent as well as things we do when in search of entertainment. The Nichols Arboretum – Dedicated by Michigan alums in 1907, “the Arb” is a 123-acre nature reserve on the Hill area of campus, bordering Geddes, the Forest Hills Cemetary on Observatory, and Washington Heights (literally steps away from Markley). Rain or shine, Ann Arborites and U-M students alike spend a lot of time in the Arb. For artists, the Arb is a more than worthy subject. Photographers and painters will find almost limitless exposures in the Arboretum. Large enough to accommodate sports, jogging, walking, and even those hoping to catch a quick nap – comfortably, as the groups need not infringe upon one another – the Arb is one of the intanglibles that makes Michigan great. Don’t be that guy who spends four years at this University without ever having gone to the Arb. Midnight Movies – The idea here is pretty selfexplanatory. On select Saturday nights during the school year, you eat dinner early, get together with some friends, and stumble down to the State Theatre on State St. between N. University and E. Washington, for the movie that starts at 12 am. The movies themselves are generally recent, stuff within the last decade (particularly the Big Lebowski, a bit hit among U-M students, as evident by the always overflow crowds when it is screened), but also some older films (of which Rocky Horror Picture Show is by far the most popular). Many midnight movies will play to packed houses because of the novelty of the concept and the active
nature of our student body, so show up a little early. Good way to have plans later on in the evening that do not require a lot of talking. A nice, warm slice of pizza pie from New York Pizza Depot is always a good touch before making the journey back home for the night. Michigan Stadium and Yost Ice Arena – Every Michigan student should attend both a football and a hockey game at least once before graduating. Michigan Stadium – the Big House, the largest stadium in the land with maximum capacity around 111,000 – is the place to be on football Saturdays during the fall. The sheer hugeness of the stadium, which need be seen in person to be understood, coupled with always-competitive Michigan teams that have gone to the Rose Bowl three times in the last decade and twice in the last three years, creates a stadium atmosphere that is lively to say the least. Football Saturdays are virtual drinking holidays, which start early
to opposing goalies who allow Michigan goals). One visit to Yost really drives home the importance of home-ice advantage. Michigan losses at Yost are relatively rare. Arts and Culture – The University Michigan Society (UMS) is the “performing arts presenter” for the campus, bringing world-class musicians, dancers, and performers from all over the globe to play in front of Ann Arbor audiences. Michigan students can usually get “student rush” tickets for $10, or pay extremely reduced rates at the door, usually 50% off. This year, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, the Vienna Philharmonic, and the Arab World Music Summit, among others, are all coming to campus. Low ticket prices allow Michigan students who may not normally appreciate theatre or opera the chance to attend a show or two without breaking the bank to do so. The annual Ann Arbor Film Festival, which will be in its 44th year in 2006, is the “oldest film festival of its kind in the country,” according to its promoters, and is likely one of the best. Held during a weeklong period each March, the Ann Arbor Film Festival screens hundreds of short films, and is an excellent opportunity for area filmmakers and exciting event for Ann Arborites. Coming so close to the end of second semester, the Film Festival is a welcome change of pace from the pressures of student life. The Ann Arbor Street Art Fair, heading into its 46 th year, brings a much-welcome influx of people into Ann Arbor during its quiet summer months. Named the #1 Art Fair by the readers of AmericanStyle magazine in October 2004, the Art Fair closes down South University and much of State St.; for that week, art takes over and traffic is detoured all around campus. The inconveniences are well worth it, and while many pieces are simply too expensive for student budgets, the excitement during the Art Fair, during which the entire town is abuzz and nearly half a mission people converge on South University, injects some energy into the dog days of summer. Your experience in Ann Arbor will be what you make of it. The University gives us the resources with which to enjoy our four years in Ann Arbor; take advantage of them and expose yourself to all the things this city has to offer. MR
“Appreciate Ann Arbor for what it is, acknowledge what it is not, and make the most of the place you will be spending nine of every 12 months for the next four years.” with pre-parties and end later that night at house parties where we celebrate Michigan’s latest victory. Yost Ice Arena’s biggest strength, conversely, is its intimacy. While there’s something special about being in the stands with 100,000 other Michigan fans, the excitement at hockey games is palpable; one really feels a sense of community in a crowd as small as that of Yost (approximately 6,500 seats). With a hockey team that has gone deep in the playoffs the last several years, the Yost faithful cheer on the Maize and Blue with rabid intensity. And, despite the Athletic Department banning the infamous “CYA” cheer – go to a game to see what I mean – the student section at Yost still rocks the house, making life almost unbearable for opposing teams, particularly their goalies (“it’s all your fault,” the crowd chants repeatedly
The Michigan Review wants YOU! We’re looking for writers to join our staff this fall. If you like what you read here, and are interested in joining, email:
mrev@umich.edu or visit: www.michiganreview.com summer2005.indd
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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — EDITORIALS
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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW
Some Sage Suggestions
The Michigan Review is the independent , student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoon represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. You can contact the Editorial Board at: mrev@umich.edu
FROM SUITE ONE
We Are MR
The Michigan Review: 24 Years Later
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ELCOME TO YOUR first of hopefully many readings of the Michigan Review, the University of Michigan’s campus affairs journal. The Review has traditionally presented the contrarian’s opinion to a campus that prides itself on its liberal activist roots. For 23 years, we have carried the torch of the minority “Right” intellectual thought on a campus. Now, approaching our 24th year, our goal still remains to challenge the ideals that permeate the environment around us. As young conservative and libertarian thinkers, this challenging means that we aim to question everything around us, even within our own belief system, so that we may understand the world from a foundation principled in classic liberal ideals. For us, free trade, small government, low taxes, and personal freedom are the cornerstone of our filter for policy and governmental action. Our paper is not a Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, or Ann Coulter manifesto of pop conservatism. What we seek is a deeper understanding for conservative ideals in an intellectual young practical setting that a college campus offers. We do not stay boxed up in a distant conservative world that creates the same distorted view of the world that the far Left creates. The Review embodies the idea of the socially intelligent conservative. We have liberal friends, date liberals, listen when we argue our ideals, have worldly experience, and drink beer on the weekends (some of us on the weekdays). Conservatives are no longer the staunch, stuffy, old, white, rich, executives that they were viewed as when this paper began in 1982. Ronald Reagan changed the political landscape with the “Reagan Republican” and we continue to carry on this torch. To us, political debate and discourse is not about bogging the reader down with dogmatic doctrine, it is about creating a discourse in which respect and civility are used as persuasive tools. This does not mean that we hold no foundation for our conservative values; on the contrary, we have deeply rooted classically liberal beliefs. What distinguishes the Review is that we understand that as much as we believe our convictions are right for America, there is another set of people that believes their convictions are equally correct for our country. Our goal is to understand why this occurs and to dissect why we have concluded that our view of the world is correct, or the best position available. n order for us to make these conclusions we must continually be challenged by the left. This is the ethos of the college experience: good, intellectual, challenging, respectful debate. This is what the Review provides its readers. Although we almost always disagree with similar Left-leaning publications on campus, we intend to always maintain a high level of dialogue so that we can reach out to the reader that typically would never pick us up, even as we cater to the reader who will always agree with us. We intend to create a new dialogue on campus, one in which understanding is at the foundation. Ultimately our goal is to convince you of the merits of conservative and libertarian values while encouraging you to also understand the intellectual reasoning as to why we feel the left is wrong. MR
Interested in politics, law or campus affairs in general?
JOIN THE REVIEW
Keep Things in Perspective
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INALLY, YOU’VE MADE IT; crammed with strangers into East Quad to take tests for the summer, most of whom you’ll never see again. Then summer ends, and the greatest chapter of your life begins. Here at the Review, we’ve put together in this summer issue a little advice for you, our fellow students. The first obvious point is that the college social scene is different from high school. More options, of all sorts, become available to students. Michigan has enough groups, sports t e a m s , and parties to keep twenty-five thousand undergraduates happy. Amazingly enough, it’s entirely conceivable that a student could attend college here without ever partying with the same person twice. All throughout high school the invariable complaint for most of us seemed to be “there is nothing to do here.” In Ann Arbor, the opposite may very well be true, with an abundance of recreational activities in which to take part. Do you go to the Blind Pig to see a band? Or to Crisler to see the basketball game? Perhaps you’ll spend the evening with 500 of your closest friends at one of the Greek houses. A lot of people will try to do everything. They will put up away messages that list the twenty things they are going to this evening, and every time you sit down with them they’ll ramble on about the seven wild things they did the night before. But maybe overextension isn’t the best plan for most students. Some have a wild life, do all kinds of things, but all they’re left with is single-serving friends. Sociability is a great thing, but the friendships you make should cut deeper than ones enabling new places to party on the weekends. This works in reverse, too. When it comes to crunch time, nothing can help you deal with finals stress, or any other problems, like good friends to vent with. Speaking of finals, please keep in mind that in college, we are expected to do substantially more work than was done in high school. That means major exams and papers on a regular basis. And midterms come a lot faster then you would expect. Keep your eye on due dates. Soon enough, you’ll be walking around in a daze trying to figuring where all the time went orn how on earth we can be having tests tomorrow. Possibly the biggest shocker for a lot of kids here is that no matter how cool you were in high school—it means nothing in college. Unless of course you want to hang out with all your friends from high school and ramble on about that one time you did something really stupid at a football game or this cheerleader you almost made out with, it’s time to move on and abandon the caste system life previously had to offer. Axe cologne won’t cause sorority girls to tackle you, and when you go to parties remember you’re back to being on the bottom of the food chain. You have to earn your coolness back. Formal cliques become less apparent, and although the people you hang out with may become more and more regular, people here are generally willing to have a beer with just about anyone. It’s important to note, too, that college isn’t exactly American Pie or Animal House. There’ll be some wild nights, but more often than not, most of you will be spending your glory days with your least favorite textbook. You’re probably not going to find a group of beautiful, intelligent members of the opposite sex that enjoy drinking, casual sex and are STD free (or at least very easily). You’re in an entirely different social setting with hundreds of options. So be sure to show off all those brains that got you here in the first place. Get involved and get some good friends and these will be some of the best years of your life. Foremost of these friends should include your roommates. Remember you’re all on edge because you went from having your own room to being crammed into the closest Michigan considers a room. Cut each other some slack and get along, your roommate can easily be your best friend or greatest source of pain in your entire life. We mean to be a bit blunt, a bit funny, and a bit chagrined. But this onslaught we call college will change your life, especially being here. You made a good choice, and with a few more good choices, these years should be your best. From all of us at The Michigan Review, welcome to Michigan. MR
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Summer 2005
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — ANALYSIS
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The 5 Big Things to Keep Your Eye On BY SEKOU BENSON
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HE PUBLIC INTEREST Research Group in Michigan (PIRGIM) is a consumer advocacy group known for liberal environmental issues. Some students wanted MSA to fund a PIRGIM pilot chapter on campus costing approximately $20,000. According to its supporters, the main purpose of the funded chapter would be to advocate for tenants rights and affordable textbooks. The MSA vote to fund the chapter was halted by the Central Student Judiciary (CSJ), the judicial arm of MSA, due to concerns that MSA would violate its tax exempts status by funding the group, because the PIRGIM had lobbied in the past. As a 501(c)3 tax-exempt organization MSA had a 5% cap on lobbying expenditures and there was concern that funding PIRGIM could potentially put MSA over the cap. This CSJ decision prompted an audit of how much MSA has spent on lobbying activities. The situation was further complicated because it turned out that MSA had filed for a 501(h) election meaning they could spend 20% of their funds on lobbying instead of 5%. An appeal to the CSJ ruling was filed and a decision on the appeal is expected at the beginning of the school year. Even with the ongoing appeal, PIRGIM sponsors have been unyielding by collecting student signatures for a PIRGIM chapter and by also crafting a MSA resolution to fund PIRGIM if CSJ rules in their favor. The resolution failed, but PIRGIM may occupy a lot of the news in the year ahead. Killer Coke A coalition of progressive student organizations ranging from La Voz Latina to the College Democrats have pressured the University to not renew its contract with the Coca Cola corporation due to human rights concerns. The movement has also started at other universities including Carleton, Oberlin, and Bard, which have ended their contracts with Coca-Cola. It should be noted that Carleton is a special case since its students control university investments. The alleged human rights abuses include the murder of Columbian union workers by paramilitaries, the pollution of ground water in India, and the denial of AIDS drugs to African Coca-Cola employees workers. The main basis for the protests was the University of Michigan’s “vender code of conduct,” which Coca-Cola is accused of having violated. The vendor code of conduct stipulates that U of M will only do business with corporations that adhere to certain standards recognized as vital for labor and human rights. Some of these standards are recognition of the right to collective bargaining and compliance with regional minimum wages. The code of conduct also set up a Vendor Review Board to make sure that University vendors adhered to these standards, and to make recommendations to the University on purchasing decisions. The movement was given momentum when MSA decided to support the goals of the coalition in March. There was hearing in front of the Review Board on whether the University should renew its contract with the corporation. As of press time a decision has not been made. Affirmative Action It was thought that the US Supreme Court’s decision in the Gratz v. Bollinger and Grutter v. Bollinger cases ended the debate on race based college admissions. This has not been the case. An effort is being waged by the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI) to ban the use of race in college admissions decisions via a ballot proposal during the 2006 gubernatorial election. A month after the Supreme Court announced its decision in 2003 that declared the U of
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M Law School’s race-based admission policy Constitutional in Gratz, there was a press conference, partially sponsored by the Michigan Review, to announce the kick off for the proposal to be on the 2004 Michigan ballot. Due to organizational difficulties and numerous court challenges, the proposal was not able to make it on the ballot in 2004. The MCRI is aiming high for the 2006 ballot and appears to have gathered enough petition signatures to do so. The group is facing numerous challenges from BAMN (By Any Means Necessary), a group with socialist leaning ties, and a somewhat large and controversial presence on campus. The group has filed numerous lawsuits claiming that the MCRI has waged a dishonest and fraudulent campaign when collecting signatures. BAMN is attempting to have the petitions overturned, and thwart MCRI’s attempts to gain access to the 2006 ballot. A group of progressive students on campus have formed the Students Supporting Affirmative Action (SSAA) group to distance themselves from BAMN. GEO The Graduate Employees Organization (GEO), the union for graduate student instructors, held a one-day walk out last March in hopes of achieving some demands for a new contract. Some of the GEO demands were salary increases amounting to a “living wage,” designated beneficiary status for health insurance, and a ban on gender identity discrimination. The University agreed to the ban on gender identity discrimination, but GEO was not able to fully accomplish its other goals. The designated beneficiary was the most interesting of the demands. This plan would allow GEO members to designate anyone sharing a common asset such as a bank account to be on their health insurance plan. The move by GEO was meant to counter act the recently passed constitutional ban on gay marriage, which many GEO members feared would end the University’s same sex benefits program. The University argued that the designated beneficiary status would be too expensive to implement and would be prone to abuse. The end agreement was that the University would agree to keep the current same sex benefit package, but would agree to re-negotiate if the courts found the same sex benefit package violated the gay marriage ban. In terms of salary increases GEO initially demanded that full time GSIs receive a 43% increase over the life of the contract to make up for the rising cost of living in Ann Arbor. The University and the GEO eventually agreed on raises up to 5% for full time GSIs. The contract that GEO signed will last for three years. It will be interesting to see if there are
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any disagreements which could lead to a work stoppage, before the conclusion of the contract. President Coleman’s capital campaign and campus renovations As students wander through campus they will notice a lot of construction. The University is undergoing a facelift with building renovations, and new construction. Part of this rebuilding phase came to fruition in 2003 with the renovation of Hill Auditorium. There have also been renovations to residence halls. The University has undergone a project called the Residence Life Initiative, which is intended to renovate all the existing residence halls. Plans are also in the works to build a giant dining hall facility on the Hill. Other campus building projects include the demolition of the Frieze building to make room for a new residence hall, the renovation of the LS&A building, a new building for the Gerald Ford School of Public Policy, and the completion of the Life Science Institute in 2003. As President of the University, one of Dr. Mary Sue Coleman’s jobs is fundraising. President Coleman in fact has made this the chief goal of her presidency. Coleman is embarking on a capital campaign called the “Michigan Difference” to raise $2.5 billion for the University. Coleman hopes to maintain Michigan’s status as a world-class university and ensure it for future generations of students. MR
Summer 2005
Everything You Ever THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — THE GLOSSARY
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The Essential Glossary of All Things
“Angell Hall”: Central campus academic building characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour operation, communist janitors, and English professors that have plush offices who choose to meet for office hours at hippy hang-outs instead. “Angelo’s”: Popular eatery curiously open only for breakfast and lunch, but not dinner. “Ann Arbor”: AKA the People’s Republic of, 27 square miles surrounded by reality. A city that sees more major events come through than any small college town probably is entitled to. “The Arb”, AKA “Nichols Arboretum”: Beautiful “living museum” of plants, trails, and fields located near the University Hospital. Characterized by couples on dates making out, sketchy old guys masturbating behind trees, and ROTC jungle training lab on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around in silly patterns). The Arb has the rare distinction of being a favorite hangout of the Unabomber during his University days. “Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, Fraternities, Sororities, PIRGIM, GEO, The Michigan Review, see also the College Republicans.
students who get off on causing trouble and intimidating students around campus. “Big Ten Burrito”: Home of cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk and most stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer. “Buffalo Wild Wings”: New to campus in January 2005, it has become *the* place to watch the game. Cheapest beer on campus. “BursleyAKABurLodge/Baits”: North campus residence halls which despite boasting the best cafeteria in Housing is also characterized by many lonely nights of hating not being on central campus and many pissed off mornings of missing the bus. In Baits watch out for the shared refrigerators…you only think that was your meatloaf. “College Democrats”: People who support collagen injections as a tool for political advancement. Happiest and easily the most selfrighteous group of losers on campus following the November election. “College Libertarians”: College Republicans that want legalized pot, and don’t sing Pat Greenwood songs about old ladies in red dresses.
“B-School”: The University of Michigan Business School. Characterized by caffeine-wired, anal-retentive individuals that will probably make mad cash by selling their respective souls to corporate America.
“College Republicans”: A toolbox concerned with pushing issues in the Republican platform, many of whom will reach great heights in politics by kissing mucho ass. For example, drain commissioner and zoning board are reachable goals. See also, Assholes.
“BAMN”: The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action (and integration, and to stop the racist war in [insert country here] and whatever else they feel like adding in that week) By Any Means Necessary. A collection of revolutionary communists and Detroit high school
“Dance Marathon”: The second-happiest people on earth, and yes Disney was lying. Campus group that hosts 30 hour marathon for Mott’s Hospital every year that will have you so sick of community service by the end that you’ll push a child into the street.
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“Diag”: Harassment capital of the world. Characterized by Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Dafa Guy (yes guy is a proper noun) meditating, Diag Preacher screaming “You’re going to hell”, BAMN protests, Holocaust name reading marathon, the LGBT kissin, and hot girls in the spring time. “Diversity”: The quality of possessing difference. In Universityspeak this means a quantitative value corresponding directly to the number of “underrepresented” minorities attending. For example, a class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and Native American students would be considered 100% “diverse,” while a class of 24% Asian Republicans, 41% White Green Party members, and 35% Indian Democrats all of whom belong to a variety of religions and socioeconomic backgrounds and have varying sexual orientations would be considered 0% “diverse.” “DPS”: Department of Public Safety. As you will learn from the Daily Crime Notes, they have no suspects…ever…really. “Econ 101”: A weeder class required for B-school admissions whose tests have scarcely anything to do with the study of economics. “Espresso Royale”: Known for their conspicuous advocacy of fair trade coffee, the coffee king is the main competitor to corporate monolith Starbucks on campus. Home of tragically hip indie kids and graduate students holding office hours. “Every Three Weekly”: A spin-off of the Michigan Review humor section published through the University Activities Center. Watch the stupid kid next to you in class think that John Navarre really did cause the holocaust. Caught
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some hell from UAC last year for publicizing that Olympic Gold Medalist and Michigan student Michael Phelps intends to “major in pussy” during his four years here. “The Facebook”: The most technoligically advanced way to just *almost* hook up, and everybody’s favorite distraction from papers. Also, a sure GPA-killer. “Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s computing site. Characterized by large glass windows, people walking around for hours on end trying to find just one damn open computer, and rampant unproductivity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and highpitched laughing by the Asian kids at 3am. “Fraternities:” Groups of men who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented friends, date-rape drugs, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes. “Gargoyle”: The University’s official monthly humor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar. Per issue, the Michigan Review is winning the contest as a funnier publication, which says something because we aren’t a humor magazine. “GEO”: The Graduate Student Instructors’ union that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every other left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at Espresso Royale. See also, assholes. “Greens”: People that help George W. Bush get elected. “Hobo”: The homeless, and “NO! 25 cents is not good enough.” In Ann Arbor the bums ask for 2
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — THE GLOSSARY
r Wanted to Know... Summer 2005
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ngs That You Will Encounter at U of M bucks and don’t even invite you up to their apartment for a beer. The West Hall arch reeks from this trade and watch your garbage for daily can collections. “In and Out”: A party store, get your mind out of the gutter. Good late night pizza. “Jesse Levine”: Director of the campus zoo, or in other words MSA President. “Jaywalking”: This term does not exist here, you asshole commuters. “Jimmy John’s”: Located now on all four corners of the Diag, they have reduced college students use of the cook stove to the occasional “warming up my Jimmy John’s in the oven” use. And yes the smells are free. “Kerrytown”: Where 1960’s era hippies hang out. Ann Arbor shopping district. “The Michigan League”: The once-segregated hangout for women on campus, it curiously hosts almost all Republican-affiliated events on campus. Also, where the Michigan Review office is located. “Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of the Michigan Wolverines Varsity Football Team. High “overall” winning percentage, high “I blew that one” percentage when it matters. High…est paid dude at the school too. Well, some doctor or something is higher, but pretty close. “Mary Sue Coleman”: President of the University of Michigan. Characterized by different head shots which look completely different and a half million bucks a year to run this mofo. “The Michigan Review”: A
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diverse group of women, minorities, and lower-middle class and poor students who put out a hard-hitting journal of commentary and analysis every two weeks with a commitment to logic and truth so unyielding that we’re the assholes. “Morlocks”: 1. Creatures in an H.G. Wells novel who never saw the light of day, dwelt in caves, glowed in the dark from lack of exposure to light, and consumed human flesh to live. 2.
Residents of East Quad
“MSA”: The student assembly of the University of Michigan. A college version of a student council the group claims to be able to do many things for students, usually around election time, and generally fails to produce anything of substance beyond “development” conferences and other perks for themselves. Also great for resume stuffing and pointless bickering. See also, assholes. “Naked Mile”: A grand old tradition here at the U where simple, innocent, graduating seniors would liberate themselves in the elation of graduating and run stark raving naked for a mile while dodging cops trying to take them down for indecent exposure. The advent of sickos with streaming webcams and a swat team parked on South U. the last day of classes at 12am is making this slightly more difficult. “North Campus”: Beautiful sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence halls. See also, boring and far away from everything. “Parking”: This term does not exist in Ann Arbor either. “PIRGIM”: A “research” group trying to coerce MSA into giving them $20,000 to lobby for students
by trying to reduce greenhouse gases by one-quarter percent. See also, assholes. “Pizza House”: The unofficial restaurant of the University of Michigan student body. See also, overrated, overpriced, open until 4am, and/or cheesy bread rocks. “Pop”: The correct term for the sweetened caffeinated beverage which all you East-coasters might refer to as soda, a popular baking ingredient. “Psych 111”: Blow-off class… take this. “Queer Awareness Week”: Annual event that encourages closeted homosexuals to “come out.” Includes a kiss-in in which you kiss a member of the same sex for everyone and their mother to see on the Diag. See also, a good day to take another way to class. “Rick’s”: Though you won’t get there until junior year, this is probably the hottest bar on campus. Near Pizza House. Where you’ll have your twenty-first birthday until you throw up. “Scorekeepers”: Also known as “Skeeps,” this is a popular Greek system hangout - that is, until you actually turn 21. “Shaman Drum”: A good, locally owned bookstore with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sciences. “Snow”: White frozen stuff that falls to the ground in Michigan for the majority of your education here. “SOLE”: A student group for rich, white kids with liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of being rich and white by campaigning for workers rights
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at the most ridiculous levels and advocating communism whenever possible to spite their parents and damn the man. “Sororities”: Groups of women who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented slutty friends, the right to get drunk and screw frat boys, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes. “Sun”: A large ball of flaming gas in the sky that disappears sometime in October and returns just in time for girls to wear tank tops and Dominick’s to open in April. “Taubman”: Alfred to be exact. Billionaire mall mogul and University donor that is now…in jail despite having a medical library and architecture school named after him.
“The Michigan Union”: Central student center filled with the joys of Magic Wok and the most profitable Subway in the country. “Village Corner”: Convenience store characterized by freaks that will take your fake ID, and sometimes your real one. “Zingerman’s”: A world-famous deli, most notable for it’s $15 sandwiches and bread as hard as a rock. But the food is delicious, and it’s a place you want to have your parents take you. MR
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — GRREK LIFE PARTY
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FACE OFF
S
Summer 2005
Is Greek Life for Me?
O HERE YOU are, the beginning of four years (give or take a couple) at the prestigious University of Michigan. No one said jumping from a structured life of school bells and soccer practices to a blank page in Ann Arbor would be easy, but the time is here and you’re debating how to handle it. One of the big questions in most freshmen’s minds is how one is to find and keep friends in this new environment. Most are bound and determined to at least say “Hi my name is…” to most of the people in their hall, and to try to form a good relationship with their roommate. However, this is a far cry from the social network that existed in high school, and it’s hard to believe that the first ten people that one is introduced to are meant to be life-long friends from college. So, one will no doubt try, parties where new friends are met, but then are never seen again. In addition, classes open up a realm for friendships to be made, but note-taking and other distractions will get in the way of socializing. Thus, by the end of the first few weeks, many freshmen are looking for a path to secure friendships. Enter the possibility of the Greek system… However, before jumping on the bandwagon of the 18 guys in your hallway that are aiming to be Mr. GreekWeek 2004, consider some of the following “pros and cons” of the social brotherhoods and sisterhoods on this campus.
PRO
Excellent Camraderie
F
ROM THE MOMENT freshman men and women walk on campus they will attend fraternity parties, both good and bad, and see beautiful sorority girls (and some ugly ones) walking around with shirts that urge students to rush. Still, no questions will be answered as student intrigue continues to grow. Only after a long and sometimes daunting pledge term will student truly understand the overwhelming benefits of the unique and life long circle that they have entered. I am lucky enough to be the member of a great fraternity with a great history. My frat is Alpha Delta Phi, the house on State with the volleyball court. There are a number of other wonderful houses at the University of Michigan, creating a Greek community which is one of this campus’ greatest assets. The greatest benefit of going Greek is the camaraderie and friendship that is built. Brotherhood or sisterhood is built through working together, and most importantly, playing together. Friendships, memories, and stories are made on football Saturdays when current members get to celebrate the college experience with alumni and friends in front of Greek Houses with music blasting. Large parties, supervised by sober members of the host house, are held on weekends where people of all backgrounds come together to simply have fun. These parties are pretty well regulated by the Greek system, and problems are rare. As parties become more private, membership in the Greek community becomes more essential for admittance (unless, of course, you are a beautiful girl). These are aspects that drive Michigan’s social scene and help make the Greek community redeeming. Going through a pledge process brings Greeks close together, adding to the cohesiveness of the fraternity or sorority. When a pledge finally becomes a brother or sister, he or she cannot help but feel like a contributing member of a more important group. While a member of a house, there is always someone who is ready to party just a phone call away as brothers or sisters become close friends who share the college experience with one another. It may seem cheesy, but it is true, the bonds that are made in a Greek House are strong and will last forever. Other benefits that should be mentioned include community service and community building, networking and ties that can help careers down the road, and the increased ability to meet the opposite sex, as fraternities and sororites often party together. People often talk about the negatives of Greek life without having experienced any of its positive attributes. First, detractors complain that Greeks are buying friends, citing membership fees. A fraternity is an internally run organization that has to sustain itself - that means paying a couple of hundred bucks each semester pays for essentials that all members use, like beer and more beer. Also, members are not buying friends because the fees are not meant to weed out certain types of people and maintain an elitist membership, a commonly held misconception. Fraternities do choose their members, as they are a private entity and have a right to do so; but, they do not choose based on social standing, but rather on the character of applicants and their potential fit in a house. Others see the Greek system as houses of debauchery and immoderation. Although a frat house can look like a dump on occasion, the stories of rape or death that can occasionally be read in the Daily do not represent the Greek system. The system does not condone sexual misconduct, and has worked with great success to prevent it through mandatory seminars, and by allowing only cans of beer to be distributed at parties to eliminate the use of rape drugs. Death is also very uncommon as hard drug use is not prevalent in the Greek community. I encourage anyone who is at all intrigued by Greek life to rush and see if joining a fraternity or sorority is for you. The memories I have gained by joining my fraternity are invaluable to me, and I will always have a great group of brothers to share those stories with over a glass of beer.MR 8
A
CON
S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren to face off against my esteemed colleague and fake Greek friend, Karl Sowislo. However, I want to let our readers know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities and Sororities. In fact, I am quite honored that several thousand of my fellow students will pay thousands per semester just to be associated with my ethnicity. There are many things one must consider before joining the Greek system, so without further ado, I present the top nine reasons to remain independent and proud here at Michigan (would have been ten, but I ran out of space). 9) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing costs, they may not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. If they won’t, you have to decide if a job is worth it. 8) Those stupid party names for every day of the week: Margarita Monday, Tequila Tuesday, Wine Box Wednesday. Enough already. You drink every day of the week. Outstanding. Unless you are a second-semester, senior year Business School student (in which case you already have a job locked up), I don’t want to hear about how cool you are because you drank on Jewsday Tuesday. 7) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a house will require a good portion of your time and energy. This may have a number of implications – some prefer to have more time to relax outside of class, some prefer to never have to attend functions at night, and some may prefer to stay in on a Thursday night to study for a Friday exam. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are more than simply social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout the year. While some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want to be halfway through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle all the activity. 6) The Greek system is racist: Sure, why not. It’s the “Greek” system, isn’t it? Greeks are “white” people. Why not the “Kenyan” system? The Greek system clearly isn’t committed to diversity. Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this really a “critical mass?” 5) They’re homophobic too: I’m not really sure anybody has ever produced any actual evidence to support this, but the LGBT said it, so you know it must be true. 4) The Greek system eats babies: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media coverage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk or smoke a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor cops generally won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem. But if you break some stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than 5.25 sorority girls per every “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday, drinking domestic beer from a blue cup), you better head for the hills. Pretty soon, the media will be “shocked and appalled” at the Greek system, and the administration will subsequently pillage your house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and ride off on your women. 3) Living under a microscope: Every action of the Greek community, good or bad, is magnified (and you can guess what gets magnified most). You can raise $10,000 for cancer research, but if you get caught having an “illegal” party, goodnight. The same pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, administration threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, and the houses routinely break the fake rules until another one gets caught. 2) Segregation: The real problem with segregation here at Michigan is between the Greeks and the Independents. House parties are generally foreign to Michigan Greeks (unless said house party is preceded by the name of a sport, such as “Baseball House” or “Crew House”), in which case the jersey chasers will be out in force. Frat parties (especially now) are generally foreign to Independents. Much of the Greek system can be found at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledging a house may certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth consideration. 1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, but they choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once. I showed them my driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card. I punched him right in the temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is drink excessively, smoke pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous. I don’t smoke pot at all. MR
BY NICK CHEOLAS
BY KARL SOWISLO
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Being Greek is Better than Going Greek
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Summer 2005
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — RES HALLS
Page 9
Exploring Dorm Life
A Breakdown of Residence Halls at the University BY SCOTT NICHOLS
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EING A FRESHMAN it can be hard to tell what each dorm has to offer. There are three main areas for dorms, the Hill, North Campus, and Central Campus, each having its advantages and disadvantages. Dorms on the hill area, which is on the edge of central campus and farther away from classes than dorms truly on central campus, have an advantage over other dorms in that they are very close to Palmer Field, which has a large open grass area and tennis courts, and the CCRB (Central Campus Recreational Building) which has basketball courts, weight rooms, other various athletic facilities, and the Arb. Also the Hill Area is the main place where freshman live. The walk to classes is longer than that of dorms at Central Campus, but is much shorter than waiting for the buses on North Campus to get down to Central Campus. All the dorms share one characteristic: over the course of the year a fire alarm will be pulled in the middle of the night, which happens most often at South Quad and Markley. There are some dorms like Fletcher, Martha Cook, Baits, Helen Newberry, and Betsy Barbour that are left out, but this is because these are small, generally private dorms, and because most freshman end up living in the following dorms broken down by their area. The Hill Mary Markley: Markley is by far the quintessential
freshman dorm here at the University of Michigan. Markley is composed of almost one hundred percent freshman, and has the smallest rooms of any dormitory on campus. Buying a loft will be essential to living here as only some of the houses have building block furniture, which allow beds to be lofted. The food at Markley is better than most dining halls, but is far from great, as is any dorm food. The best way to get a good meal at Markley, or for any place on the Hill in general, is to go to the Underground in Markley’s basement. Such delicacies as hamburgers, chicken tenders, and the highly enjoyable Ben and Jerry’s pint can be bought by using meal credits, for those of you trying to prevent the dreaded freshman fifteen it is recommended to limit your Underground visits. As compared to other dorms on the hill, Markley is by far the biggest party dorm. Markley is not the best dorm to live in because of room size, but overall is very good because of its party atmosphere, and high Frosh content. Stockwell: Stockwell is an-all girls dorm that has restrictions for other students who are looking to get in or out at night. Stockwell’s rooms are moderately sized, but are not by any means the largest on campus. The corner stone of Stockwell’s success is its dining hall. Stockwell is the best bet for meals on the Hill if you don’t want the fried food of Markley’s Underground. Since Stockwell is an all
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girls dorm there is not much going on socially, although residents from Couzens, Alice Lloyd, and Mosher Jordan all eat here, thus making lunch and dinner the most exciting times around an otherwise quiet dorm. Mosher-Jordan: Mosher-Jordan or “MoJo” as most
second best on central campus, and can be supplemented by the Care ConXion snack bar. Overall South Quad is a nice dorm if you’re here for the academics, or looking for a large room, where you can stretch out. East Quad: East Quad has unique features about it that make it stand out from all other dorms. East Quad is set up as a self-contained square-like quad with many different room shapes. It is the only dorm equipped with its own theatre, and also has classrooms. East Quad is home to the Residential College (RC), a small uber-liberal arts program within the larger University.
Stockwell Hall people call it, is mainly composed of students in the Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) and UROP in Residence (UIR) learning community. Residents of MoJo usually only eat at MoJo when the weather is so bad that the thirty foot walk to Stockwell is too much for them to handle; rarely are good things heard about their meal program. MoJo generally is quiet and the rooms are about the same size of those in Stockwell. It is a nice dorm, but only a small number of freshman not in the WISE program live here. Alice Lloyd: Lloyd is home to the Alice Lloyd Scholars Program, which is a program that students apply for, and get perks like classes in Lloyd itself and more individual attention. The vast majority of Lloyd residents are in this program. The rooms are relatively large, but the meal program at Lloyd is sub-par thus like MoJo, most residents of Lloyd eat at Stockwell or Markley. Lloyd does have a snack shop/convenience store on the first floor for your little cravings during the day, which is not present at other most other dorms (though the prices are a bit inflated). Lloyd is a very good dorm because a lot of the students here are alike, and its programs seem to help students with class work and social life. Couzens: Couzens is much like MoJo and Lloyd in that the meal program is less than adequate, but the rooms are relatively nice and large. Couzens, and the dorms like it, have a more updated and upbeat feel to them, an advantage to the often dark rooms of the Hill. Overall, Couzens and Markley are the two best dorms for incoming freshmen on the Hill. Central Campus South Quad: A lot of honors students and upperclassmen reside in South Quad as compared to the other dorms on campus. South Quad is a short distance from classes, as are all the Central Campus area dorms. The rooms at South Quad are very large compared to those around campus and come with building block furniture, which is convenient, because you have the choice to change from a loft to normal bed whenever you please. South Quad is generally a quieter dorm with a lot of the residents in the honors program here. But on weekends, the place is kicking, and one of the better dorm hangouts on campus. The food is not as good as Stockwell’s, but is
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West Quad: West Quad is much like South Quad, but is even more centrally located. Since West Quad does not have the honor students that South Quad does, it tends to be a little louder at night, and has a Markley-like atmosphere. The rooms in West Quad are normal-sized compared to those on campus, though the building has some unique parts like Williams and Rumsey House. Simply, people in West Quad are generally older is thus probably the most happening dorm on campus. The food is great since many athletes on strict diets reside there. And, if the meal is bad, one can access the connected Union foodcourt without venturing ourside. Finally, as the oldest dorm on campus, West Quad boasts one of of the more aesthetically pleasing views and unique architecture. North Campus
West Quad Bursley: The main problem with North Campus is that, if you are not an engineer or music student, none of your classes will be near your dorm. To get to classes residents have to take buses that run frequently on the weekdays (every 7 minutes), but not as frequently on the weekends (up to 20 minutes). Bursley is the largest dorm on campus, probably has the best cafeteria, and has all the features that make it an overall decent dorm, but the overriding negative point is its distance from central campus. Having a social life can be difficult, as parties are generally located nearer to central campus, and you must ride the bus do just about anything outside of your dorm. Most kids detest life in the “Burloge,” and as much as the administrators try to talk it up, most students leave Bursley at the end of the year with an abiding hatred for their former home. Overall, dorm life, no matter where you live on campus, is a wonderful experience for incoming freshmen. Though the walk to class may be long and arduous in the Michigan winters, you will have many pleasant memories of dorm-life, as long as you get along with your roommate
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS LIFE
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Summer 2005
Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now— Or Later BY MICHAEL O’BRIEN
I
T’S REALLY A FASCINATING little game to play—watch how many of the kids on the Facebook who, at the beginning of the year, list their status as “in a relationship,” dwindle away and list themselves as single within the first month of school. Also, keep an eye on the friends you’ve made—by the end of the month, if they’re not tied up, or at least don’t have a regular “special friend” on speed dial, well, then they’re lucky folks. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just far easier to break off that two-year high school fling now, rather than in mid-March, when your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you at 2 am and swears that it didn’t count because they were hammered. The same rule applies for getting yourself too involved too soon when you get to school in the fall; it just puts a damper on your social life. I realize that many might be reluctant to say good-bye to that person with whom you just spent a serious portion of the last several years of your life. There are all those sweet memories: your prom night, that first date, whatever. But why would you want to sour those memories or muddy them in a messy break-up? You and your better half should really take a hard look at reality. Sure, it is entirely possible to maintain a solid relationship with substantial differences between the two of you. But it’s sure as hell not probable. College has a lot to offer when it comes to social opportunities. Welcome Week is a blast for most students, and you probably don’t want to spend that Friday night on
the phone crooning to your high school sweetheart about how much you miss them. Half of college’s experiences lie well beyond the scope of the academic or the classroom; it’s very much a social, extracurricular experience. At parties, at football games, and even (for you North Campus kids) on the bus, its hard not to be inundated and a bit overwhelmed by the hundreds of new faces you meet. Quite frankly, it’s a blur. It’s through this, and your experience of your first prolonged time away from home that most students go through a somewhat substantial change in themselves, no matter how much they try to resist it. And with these changes in self come wholesale reevaluations of one’s relationships with others. Many students become much more self-aware, and their perspectives on things, if not their opinions, shift around a bit. And sure, there’s a good deal of pressure (and rightly so) to go out and make friends and be social. The question any incoming frosh should be asking themselves is whether, given this, they can even, in good conscience, maintain a high school relationship. Why go through the almost inevitable hell that comes through a messy breakup via long-distance phone calls and furious instant messaging? Why, especially if you can manage an amicable split after talking things out, with a good friendship that will be mutually supportive in the future? There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold onto every last thread of those sweet memories, while a soon-to-be ex is slowly turning the knife freshly stuck in your back. Break up with your sweetie; it will be a lot less painful at the end of
the summer than a random Wednesday afternoon before your big midterm. So even if you come to school with a clean slate, ready to meet your thousands of classmates, you’re not out of the woods yet. Don’t enter into a serious relationship too soon or even at all during your first year. The first nice guy or girl you may meet may click just right during September, but there’s no reason to stymie your social life by getting too involved. It’s incredibly easy to miss a lot of experience, and neglect developing your skills by doing the same thing every weekend with the same person. Getting into a relationship too soon can be a great cause of doubt, as well. You may snatch up the first suitable partner that comes along, but that girl you pass every day on the Diag or that guy who sits near you in your Econ discussion will pique your imagination much more now that you’ve tied yourself down. Also, fanciful high school notions of what constitutes a good relationship wash away eventually as the realism of college begins to set in. The bottom line remains, though, that most students are uncertain about what kind of person they are or where they’ll be at the end of their first year of school, let alone four years of college. Freshman year, with its varied and formative experiences, is just not the time for serious commitment. The first year of college is just a much better experience, when done correctly, without a boyfriend or girlfriend imposing on your social life. MR
Don’t Be on Time, Be on Michigan Time By Mike Kasaborski
F
RESHMAN – LET ME be amongst the first to welcome you to the University of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your next four, five, or even six to ten years here (that better include grad school...), you will discover the wonders that I, too, eventually found. As a little helping hand before you embark on your academic journey, the Review would like to offer you some friendly advice that you will find very useful in your first few weeks. As you will learn during Orientation, “Michigan Time” refers to the 10-minute spacing for classes. Hence, a 10am class really actually and truly begins at 10:10am, and so on and so forth. Your first day of class, however, you will undoubtedly show up thirty minutes before your class actually begins. There you will all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriving early, all staring at your watches in a vacant Mason Hall hallway, collectively watching the time tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan Time means exactly what it says - class starts 10 minutes after its posted time. Get yourself a little more sleep and save yourself from staring at a watch for 30 minutes.
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When your class actually does start, there is a strategy to seating yourself. This rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to recitations, seminars, and discussions. And sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender specific, and not for the faint of heart. Gentlemen, for you I will share the single best piece of advice I can dispense to help you get through your boring classes: as you enter the classroom on the first day, seek out the hottest girl in your class. Try and be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, must unfortunately skip this strategy), and without drawing much attention to yourself with freshman-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start talking to her, but not like you’re interviewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her where’s she from, where’s she living now, etc. Casually say something witty about how terrible dorm food is or how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem informed, and seem cool (because let’s face it, you’re probably not). This seating strategy doesn’t stop after the first day though. Even if during your initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan have boyfriends; if this is not the case, they must be crazy). You can handle that
“boyfriend” noise because after all - you’re sitting next to her because you’re a good guy, not because you’re an asshole that likes staring at her chest. What’s more it will totally catch her off guard in a good way if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag that you are already hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that you can break up. Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize your position as the guy that sits next to her. Eventually, your seat next to her will become your territory. The two of you, or more if there are other good-looking girls in your area, will have staked out a claim to your territory. No one will dare move in on your space. With this territorial domain, you can carve out a good group of people to sit with. Hopefully you have been endearing them to you over the first few weeks of class with irreverent remarks about the stupidity of your GSI, the horrible grade you got on your last paper (tip: you always do poorly, but you always are confident enough to laugh it off – this seems to work), or hilarious comments about the weird kid in class (disclaimer: the Review does not condone ripping on
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the dorks in your class, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy in class that exudes so much machismo that the hot girl sits next to him, your classmates will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at Michigan, for the approval of others? Where you sit in class tells a lot about you. And no, I’m not talking about smart kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in the back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits in the back. But the really smart kids sit next to hot girls. And the really hot girls sit wherever they want because they are hot and do as the please, so you better sit next to them. If this advice seems sexist, chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to the concerns of ugly people and socially inept nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But frankly, those kind of people are so sexually frustrated that they infer innuendoes from their engineering homework: you know, the problem about the tangent line penetrating the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so that’s not a real problem/it lacks any sense. But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve been sitting next to in my Psychology class all semester to think of anything intelligent. Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR
Summer 2005
THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — AROUND CAMPUS
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Our Dirty Little Secrets Some Tips to Help Navigate the Campus BY JIM SUITS
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AMPUS IS A BIG place, made bigger still if you do not know the name and location of every building you pass or professor you see. Rather than try to memorize maps or make flash cards of names, you might want to start with a few of the basics: Belltower Every University student has, at some time or another, heard chimes emanating from the bell tower prominently anchoring the Ingalls Mall. Few know that when the carillon (the technical name for the instrument at the top of said tower) is being played, the deck is open, providing an aerial view of central campus, and even the stadium. With every conceivable architectural style represented on campus, entire days can be spent walking the hallways and appreciating the diversity of buildings. Cooley Reflecting Pool Depending on your major and residence hall, you can go all four (or five) years at Michigan without ever setting foot on North Campus. Contrary to rumor, engineers won’t attack unless physically provoked. More importantly, the atmosphere is peaceful, even relaxing, and certainly much more quiet, on North Campus. Although the fortress-like Media Union (a.k.a. Dudersdadt Center) dominates the landscape, other highlights include an earthquake simulator, wind tunnel, and nuclear reactor (for more academically-minded students); or the wave field, a piano-shaped pond, and reflecting pool for the more normal folk among us. Hill Auditorium Virtually every globally-renowned performing arts group has, at one time or another, made its way to the U. Whether at Hill Auditorium, the Power Center, or one of the other venues on campus. Few places can offer the wide range of performances that visit Ann Arbor, especially for a city its size (100,000) so you’re best not to miss out. Trade Secret: Performances by University-affiliated groups are usually inexpensive (or free!), and are a great place to take that special someone. Those Other Sports There are 30 Varsity or Club Varsity sports at U-M. While nobody can find football or ice hockey tickets to save their lives, the others generally feature vast rows of empty seats, and you can get in to most of them free with your M-Card. So why settle for a seat in row 78 of Michigan Stadium when you can be so close as to smell the action in Cliff Keen Arena or Fisher Stadium?
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Ralph Williams Your professors are smart people, and many of them are leaders in their fields. They’re also a bit absent-minded, so if you don’t take the time to get to know them, they won’t even notice another face in the crowd. Ask questions, do readings – and above all, attend class. It helps if your instructor makes class fun, and some professors have regularly won awards for good teaching, like English Professor Ralph Williams or History Professor Matt Lassiter. Either way, take the initiative to explore deeper. You may meet some interesting and brilliant people in the process. Tom Goss While few UM students will recognize the name, almost everyone knows him by sight as the harmonica player in front of the Undergraduate Library. But that’s just moonlighting – you’d never guess he spends his days in the labs of the Natural Science Building as a Senior Research Associate. Sometimes, you’ll overlook things in your time on campus. Never be afraid to dig deeper – challenge your assumptions, and challenge what you’re told. Even if something looks or sounds right, triple-check. Penicillin was discovered by accident; what else is waiting to be uncovered? Michigan Student Assembly The Michigan Student Assembly is the most high-profile student organization on campus. The MSA’s primary focuses are: Holding bi-annual elections nobody notices or votes in, passing resolutions not directly pertinent to the University, building members’ resumes, and doling out money to other student organizations. No matter what else you do while at this university, find a student group that piques your interest among the hundreds on campus. Rec Sports U of M has one of the most comprehensive recreational sports program in the country. 3 recreational centers, including the oldest Intermural Building in the country (known conveniently as the IM Building). You can join an intramural team in any of more than two dozen sports, or drop in for a light workout whenever it’s convenient. Most fees are included in your tuition, so you have no excuses for the Freshman 15. Except perhaps... Chicken Broccoli Bake Cafeteria food is limited by its very nature, but few can resist the allure of the dining halls’ most popular dish. Since they can not (or will not) serve it every day, though, you should if nothing else try something new. The selection offered by most dining halls is substantial, and if
all else fails you can make yourself a salad, grab a sandwich, or go for cereal, which is available at every meal. Take advantage of your meal plan – you will miss it once you no longer have one. Big Ten Burrito Of course, sometimes the cafeterias do not cut it, or are not open. Fortunately, the campus area has oodles of restaurants, serving everything from tacos to noodles often available in the wee hours of the morning, a reasonable price, and delivery if necessary. Since dorm residents pretty much have to eat out on Saturdays anyway, it is good to know the culinary choices available. The one free parking spot Down there; row 5, about 6 spaces from the end. Between the green Toyota and...never mind, it’s gone now. Incoming students never seem to appreciate that there is no parking in Ann Arbor. If you insist on bringing a car, you may be able to park a few furlongs from campus and then take advantage of the conveniently-routed... Bus system If you do not know someone with a car, you will want to learn where the busses go. They are free (you will need to show
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your M-Card on the white, Ann Arbor Transportation Authority ones, which UM students ride free), and can take you all over the city when searching for the best deals on useful merchandise, like pencils, ramen noodles, and beer. Student Publications The Daily can be useful to keep current on campus events, though you might want to verify anything you see before repeating it as truth. But diversity being one of the University’s hallmarks, be sure to expose yourself to a diverse set of viewpoints. Chances are, if you are reading this paper, your views are not mainstream and you are not going to take whatever people try to pass off as contemporary gospel. Keep an open mind, and you should have a fun, productive, and memorable undergraduate career. Go blue! MR
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THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — ADVERTISEMENT
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Summer 2005
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