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The Michigan Review the michigan review

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The Campus Affairs Journal at the University of Michigan

Volume XXV, Number 1

The secrets behind a Michigan education

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Summer 2006

Ann Arbor: Your new home & Advice for out-of-staters Pages 12 - 13

MR Summer 2006

Greek Life face-off & Dorm life Pages 8-9

www.michiganreview.com

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the michigan review Page 2

The Unofficial Campus Dress Code

H

ERE AT THE MICHIGAN Review, we’ve noticed some emerging trends among the fashion styles of students. Students, more often than not, dress unabashedly according to clique. The one ubiquitous accessory is, of course, the iPod. We put together a small guide for the freshman (and slower upperclassmen and grad students) to help wade through the mess that is fashion in Ann Arbor.

you an excuse to look. Many sport colorful tees or polos, when they’re wearing shirts. If there’s no snow on the ground, they’ll be in Ugg boots, and if there is, they’ll be in skirts. Mandatory accessories gay best friend and an iPod nano.

not, they’ll accessorize with TI-83 calculators and pocket protectors than iPods.

Their shirts are invariably stained with drool, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew.

Frat Boys—Often seen sporting Lacoste shirts in pastel colors, making one guess they’re these new-fangled “metrosexuals.” They’re protected from accidental decapitation by popped collars.

The überprep—This conspicuous group moonlights at Frat houses. Jeans are strictly prohibited, and the wardrobe was generously provided by Banana Republic. You can often notice they’re coming by the scent of overpriced cologne or perfume from 100 yars away.

New Yorkers—One of the larger caucuses here at Michigan, their undying affinity for the sub-par Yankees will be expressed by hats, tees, sweatpants, and their iPods—onto which they’ve curiously downloaded the organ songs from Yankee Stadium.

Professors—Usually more underdressed than the stereotypical tweed jacket with patches with the elbow would suggest.

Most professors here are notable for their long hair, and stench of patchouli oil, as well as their standard-issue iBooks (and, of course, accompanying iPods).

Friday Morning Class—Whatever you wore out Thursday night, and an iPod.

Art Schoolers—As Bohemian as possible.

Here on campus, they’ve single-handedly led the revival of paisley and puke-green corduroys. For artists, you could be nearsure that they’re functionally colorblind when dressing themselves.

Sorority Girls—Generally, tight, form-fitting black pants and/or sweatpants with their letters strewn across their ass to give

Engineers—Glasses are a must-have for these students, leading the “geek chic” wave, minus the “chic.” More often than

Marxists—Dressed in their *red* shirts with pictures of either Che Guevera or a star, this depressing bunch (often seen protesting random causes across campus) spend most of their time reminiscing about the good ‘ol days when Mother Russia loomed large. MR

Football Saturdays—A delicate balance between wearing as little as possible, and as much Greek Life paraphernalia as one can manage. The official season football shirt is considered mandatory.

Monday Morning Class—On Mondays, students are likely to be dressed more cheaply than any other day of the week.

Frequent articles of clothing include sweatpants, old shirts used for painting, and an iPod.

■ Letter From the Editor:

F

or those of you reading this at freshman orientation, allow me to welcome you to Michigan. For those upperclassmen reading this after spring or summer classes, don’t tell said freshman what they’re getting into.

It will be funny when they figure it out on their own.

That said, congratulations – not only for your acceptance to this fine University, but for picking up The Michigan Review. The Review is *the* source of conservative and libertarian (otherwise known as “contrarian”) thought at this University. We publish bi-weekly, and offer a substantially different perspective on politics and campus affairs than you will usually find in the classroom or on the pages of the Michigan Daily.

In this orientation issue, you will find invaluable advice and information, helping to ease the transition to college – information I only wish I had as a freshman, and some that I never knew about until editing this issue. While the contents of this issue are quite different from our usual lineup, and with very few traces of “conservatism,” the orientation issue is indicative of how we do business here at the Review. We often use humor to prove our points, never hesitate to call out BS when we see it, and aren’t afraid to inform our readers that our editorials are generally written from a conservative or libertarian perspective. That said, we hope you continue to read us, and encourage you to join us.

However, above all, it is important to get in-

volved. You have enrolled in one of the finest universities in the world, located in one of the most unique cities in the country. The opportunities at Michigan are endless, and you owe it to yourself to take advantage of this fact.

Sure, we’re all here to get an education and a degree, but we’re also here to learn. And, at least in my case, I’ve learned as much outside the classroom as I have inside.

While you may easily forget what you hear in a lecture, you will always remember what you experience here.

As you will learn quickly, if you continue to read us, we have no shortage of issues over which to criticize the University. Personally, I plan to write until I no longer find issues which irritate me – so more than likely, I won’t stop. However, none of us – even as conservatives and libertarians in a sea of quasi-socialism – would trade this for the world. The University of Michigan is like your boyfriend or girlfriend in the long-distance relationship fresh out of high school: even though they’re probably cheating on you, you still say “I love you” every night.

You’ll spend a lot of time in a great place for the next four years. Make the most of it.

Sincerely, Nick Cheolas Editor-in-Chief, The Michigan Review 2006-2007

Summer 2006 The Michigan Review The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan

Nick Cheolas Editor-in-Chief Michael O’Brien Executive Editor Chris Stieber Publisher Adam Paul Managing Editor Amanda Nichols Layout Editor Assistant Editors: Karen Boore Staff: Michael Balkin, Brian Biglin, Rebecca Christy, Tom Church, Jane Coaston, Stephen Crabtree, Blake Emerson, Kole Kurti, Matt MacKinnon, Brian McNally, Natalie Newton, Danielle Putnam, Yevgeny Shrago Editor Emeritus: James David Dickson The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Contributions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible under section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Service Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with any political party or any university political group.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual, anonymous contributors to The Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of The Review’s editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily those of the advertisers, or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal.

Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, and donations to “Publisher,” c/o The Michigan Review: Editorial and Business Offices: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 mrev @ umich.edu www.michiganreview.com Copyright © 2006, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network.

mrev@umich.edu

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the michigan review From the Editor

Summer 2006

Michigan Review, The “U,” and You

All You Ever Wanted to Know About What it Takes to Be a Michigan Student

Y

ou did it. You’ve been accepted to one of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in the entire country. Of course, we all know this was your fallback school (I got into Yale. I swear!) Regardless, you’re here. Perhaps you’re excited to meet new people and finally be free from your parents. Perhaps you are scared to death because of the horror stories you’ve been told about überliberal, pinko-commie U of M. Maybe you’re just content to sit back, stay with your high school sweetheart, and ease into college. In that case, you’ll be both excited and scared to death about three days into welcome week.

But don’t worry. I’m here – to dispense my vast wealth of knowledge about this big bad University.

A wise man once said that the University of Michigan is like unprotected sex: it’s great to get in, but you’re #$%#@! once you come. Just ponder that one for a moment, because it’s the best characterization of this school I have ever heard.

The bottom line is: this school will change you. For better or worse, academically or socially, if you stay here for four or so years, you will leave a changed man or woman. For example, I bet up until this point in your life, every application/survey/form you have filled out that asks for your “sex” or “gender” has included two choices. I filled out an application last week that asked such a question – only there were three choices: male, female, and transgender. Three years ago I would have had no idea what to do.

Now, that doesn’t even make blink.

You may or may not be aware of Michigan’s reputation as an overwhelmingly liberal institution with a fiercely political campus. This reputation is both earned and overblown. Quite frankly, the vast majority of students on campus are downright apathetic. Most don’t care about politics, will never protest anything, and won’t brave winter winds pamphleteering students on the Diag. Eighty percent of this campus just wants to study, learn, party, live, and be left alone.

The 20% of students who do care about politics or “activism” are predominantly liberal. This includes most professors, Michigan Daily writers, MSA representatives, and student group leaders. Thus, they run the show. Sadly, this fact makes liberalism nearly inescapable

Nick Cheolas, Editor-in-Chief, ‘07 to the average student who just wants to firms my observation that most straight be left alone. Want to have pizza or burg- white males are ignorant about social isers for dinner tonight? Too bad, we’re sues.” Got that? Your skin color and celebrating “Homosexual Paraplegic Al- sexual orientation make you ignorant. bino New Zealander-American Day” in Now that’s “tolerance,” isn’t it? But not the cafeteria. Want to participate in the everybody drinks the Kool-Aid. As one vagina monologues? Well you’re just reader succinctly put it “The urination straight out of luck, whitey. Want to walk (incident) was sort of my introduction to to class listening to your iPod? Well that the way PC politics work on campus.” makes you a sweatshop supporting, rac- You will learn quickly how PC – ist, misogynist pig (after all, that iPod is politically correct – politics work on this marketed, white, and plays Eminem). The campus. It’s not all bad though. In fact, brand of liberalism at this school is often that “liberal bias” you’ve been hearing beyond the lev- about in the classroom, it’s the greatest el of coherency, thing that could ever happen to a student. going beyond a There are now a fair number of classes political ideol- on this campus where one needn’t attend ogy and border- on any sort of a regular basis to achieve ing on mandat- an A. These classes are quite simple and ed groupthink. have two major steps: First, they focus al Let me give most entirely on the plight of a particular you an exam- group, and then study the ways that rich ple. Last Sep- white males are at fault for the plight of tember, two Asian students claimed that the particular group. This produces two two white students had urinated on them effects – first, students (at this upperfrom an apartment balcony, and that the class, majority white university) begin to urine was accompanied by racial slurs. feel ashamed because of their “privilege.”

Immediately, the campus left mobilized. (Note: here, if your parents worked hard, Protests were held, student groups pe- took care of you, provided for you, and titioned the administration, and people strive to give you a better life, that’s called came out of the woodwork to decry the “privilege,” and you’re supposed to feel “harsh” racial climate on this campus. really bad about it.) Anyway, this feeling President Mary Sue Coleman responded, of shame stirs young college students to less than 10 days after the incident, with fight for “soa personal letter to every member of the cial justice” campus community pledging to support (a charm“a community that embraces diversity ingly ambiguand fosters a climate of respect, toler- ous all-purance, inclusiveness, fairness, civility and pose liberal safety,” finally running out of heartwarm- phrase). This ing adjectives and keeling over. Coleman fight for “soregained consciousness in time to con- cial justice” almost invariably requires clude that the campus community had a increased government action – raise the “responsibility to address [such incidents] minimum wage, affirmative action, withpromptly through education and dialogue draw from Iraq, increase funding for and, where appropriate, disciplinary sanc- God-knows-what. Pretty soon, we’ve tion or criminal prosecution,” which is got a whole litter of Democrats scurrycampus code for “if you don’t agree with ing around campus. And there you have us, we will re-educate you.” it. That’s all there is to the University of

But lost in the campus firestorm Michigan’s liberal assembly line. was a simple question: what really hap- A wiser man once said “If pened? Only The Michigan Review con- you aren’t a socialist at 20, you have no ducted any sort of in-depth investigation heart. If you aren’t a conservative at 40, into the incident itself. That investiga- you have no brain.” Fortunately for our tion revealed very serious issues regard- large-hearted friends, the paychecks and ing the credibility of the “victims,” and subsequent “taxes” that dot the post strongly suggested that the incident had grad landscape bring many back to earth. indeed not occurred as the “victims” had For now, we’re stuck in the system. But claimed. When the Review had the audac- if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my ity to point out that truth matters in such time here, it’s that it is far better to have a serious case, members of the campus fun within the system than to fight it. A community responded with enlightened, friend and I once had a game in a diswell-reasoned arguments. To quote one cussion section. We would get one point of the better responses: “Yes, [the author each time we made a comment in class, is] white, and he’s straight. And it con- and one point for each “catchword” we

The University of Michigan is like unprotected sex: it’s great to get in, but you’re #$%#@! once you come.

could include in that comment – “diversity,” “racism,” “sexism,” “oppression,” “discrimination,” and “white males” being a few of the many. We would end up with sentences like: “The lack of diversity within institutions run by white males highlights the racism, sexism, and utter discrimination that led to the oppression of urban blacks in the housing market.”

On the final exam, I even got to drop a few Hitler/Bush comparisons for effect.

For my performance, I received an A.

But remember, the majority of this campus doesn’t care. You may think you’re alone, that everyone else is an ‘activist’, or that you’re the last conservative or libertarian around. But that’s not the case. And The Michigan Review is the voice of that 80%. Sadly, most of that 80% doesn’t care enough to keep reading us, and the 20% of those who do care read the Daily. But as the wisest man of them all, former Review writer Mike Kasiborski, once said: The Michigan Daily, is like a Julia Roberts movie – sure everyone will go see her, but she sucks.

But in all reality, not everyone drinks the Kool-Aid around here. If you’re not running around the Diag stark naked in January with “SOLIDARITY” tattooed on your ass, that doesn’t mean you support child labor. And if you don’t support affirmative action, that doesn’t mean you’re a racist. This University isn’t as big and bad as it’s made out to be – it’s actually a pretty great place. Chances are, you’re not going to leave Ann Arbor with the caricature of Che Guevera branded on your chest. Part of the fun at U of M is taking in all the diversity—not the typical, degrading U of M “we need more minorities so the whites can learn how to play nice with them” diversity— the wide array views, religions, cultures, personalities, sports, groups, clubs, social scenes. This and more makes Michigan the most prestigious public university the country has to offer (eat that Virginia).

We’re not all crazy here, and The Michigan Review is here for you. So sit back, relax, enjoy college, and if you care to know what’s going on in the real world—stuff they won’t tell you on this campus—pick up The Michigan Review.

Otherwise, you’ll be stuck watching a Julia Roberts movie for the next four years.

MR

The Michigan Daily is like a Julia Roberts movie – sure everyone will go see her, but she sucks.

the michigan review

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The Michigan Review

Editorials

The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not necessarily those of the Review.

You can contact the Editorial Board at: mrev@umich.edu

■ From Suite One:

W

We are MR

elcome to your first reading of The Michigan Review—the journal of conservative and libertarian thought at the University of Michigan. We hope this will lead to a longer relationship, as a reader or as a writer, over the course of your next four years at the University. On a campus that prides itself on its liberalism and activism, the Review has often found itself as the lone voice of rationality in Ann Arbor.

Since our inception in 1982, the Review has served as the bastion of contrarian thought on campus. As we enter our 25th year as the bearer of the conservative torch, our philosophy remains simple and unchanged: We champion free trade, small government, low taxes, and personal liberty. Our paper is not a Sean Hannity/Bill O’Rielly/Ann Coulter manifesto of pop conservatism. We are not the bloodthirsty conservatives of liberals’ dreams. We will not champion an idea simply because it is the “conservative” or “Republican” position on an issue, nor do we view ideas as inherently repugnant simply because they are “liberal.”

The Review strives to raise the campus discourse above the level of dogmatic, brash name-calling. You won’t see us chanting on the diag, busing in 10 year olds, or spouting wanton accusations of racism, hatred, and bigotry at every turn. Rather, we prefer to argue persuasively, using logic, facts, and reason – rather than raw emotion – as our guide.

We believe our convictions are right, both for the University and the country. But we also understand that liberals have a similar view of their principles. Our job is to dissect opposing arguments, and explain why we believe ours are superior. We do not fear challenges from the campus left; on the contrary, we welcome them. This is the crux of a college experience, good, intellectual, challenging debate.

This all sounds so simple, but the art of respectful, reasoned persuasion is nearly a lost art on this campus. It is entirely possible for a student to go through four years on one of the most politically active campuses in the country, and still fail to get a true view of conservative or libertarian principles, and the logic behind them. We reach out to the “silent conservatives” on this campus, but we strive, even more so, to persuade the reader who wouldn’t usually give conservatism a second thought.

We nearly always disagree with the line of reasoning that permeates the editorial page of The Michigan Daily, and we generally oppose the predominant ideology on this campus. But rather than drag our opponents down with absent-minded vitriol and tired arguments, we choose to confront them head-on. The victor is he who argues best, not he who screams the loudest. And rest assured, the latter is far more prevalent on this campus.

We serve as refuge for many students on this campus who long for the reality that surrounds the six square miles of Ann Arbor – where Christmas is acceptable, where “more government” is the problem (and not the solution), where people don’t particularly enjoy taxes, and where filling the diag with screaming, chanting 10-yearolds does not suffice as “debate.” If you don’t believe in affirmative action, you’re not a racist bigot, longing for the days of Jim Crow. If you don’t believe in abortion, you’re not a bible-beating redneck working to oppress women. If you don’t believe that the government is the solution for all social ills, you’re not a cold-hearted, upper-class, privileged snob. There are, contrary to campus lore, valid reasons behind these beliefs, and The Michigan Review, for the last 25 years, has defended the beliefs conservatives hold dear.

Now an institution, and not an outsider throwing rocks at administration buildings, we have a responsibility to provoke thought and discussion that questions the prevailing ideas that have existed in this community. We have this responsibility, but we still have some fun at the same time. So if you like us, keep reading. And if you think this is something you could be a part of, join us. The Michigan Review has a now-storied history on this campus for the battles it has waged in the past quarter century.

And so, in our 25th year, we will continue this fight. MR

Summer 2006

Your Impending Michigan Education

T

he University of Michigan is an institution like any other, with perpetuating myths, traditions, legacies, foundations, structure, and so on. But like so many domineering organizations in our societies, our school is multi-faceted; threedimension. UM, at many times, is cast in a blaze of academically superior glory, with a halo of social propriety and athletic dominance in the minds of so many aspiring and current students. But for this year’s incoming class, the aspiration stage is now over; college has begun. But for all the upsides you’re sure to encounter your next four years—and there are many—it’s important to keep some perspective in regards to college live, and the university you now attend. Michigan may be wondrous, but not also without deep flaws to some degree. Keeping this in mind is key to making the most of your Michigan experience.

Any promotional materials produced by the University itself or outside organizations are bound to wax about the legendary “diversity” that manifests itself on campus. University President Mary Sue Coleman and the University might as well trademark the d-word, as it has become one of the central, defining legends that make their mark on university life today. In case you hadn’t heard, your new school is Affirmative Action University. Here is a hotbed of radical protests and heated debate over whether the university should take into account the race of an applicant in admissions.

Major Supreme Court cases in 2003 challenged the constitutionality of LSA and the Law School’s racial admissions policies; the former falling but the latter remaining.

Out of this was borne “diversity” as a compelling government interest overriding any offense to the 14th Amendment. And thus, the d-word will be shoved down your gullet during your next four years, whether you care for it or not. Diversity may be swell, but the University is flawed in believing that true diversity is only skin-deep, and that distinction on the basis of skin color is just in any form. Learn to read between the lines of the administration’s happy-talk, and find true diversity for yourself.

The University of Michigan is furthermore renowned for its ‘progressive’ attitudes, and such mindsets do not escape the professoriate. The Michigan Review isn’t one of those campus groups that protest the scary, vindictive professor who marks you down a grade for expressing an opinion. The fact is, those professors (in that mythic form) do not exist. Such is the mark of second-rate hacks of professors, and fortunately, UM is fresh out of them. But do not have the naïveté to think that classroom bias (and it is to the left) does not exist. It’s not manifest through heated confrontations between student and professor, and the politics of most students are receptive to such slantedness. Rather, bias exists through the accepted academic paradigms that professors perpetuate. There are unquestionable ‘truths’ professors hold dear, that endear themselves to social determinism, socialistic public policy, and the enduring belief that no objective truth exists. The academic perspective is something from which the student cannot easily dissent, without a reasoned argument. But be not afraid, most professors will take interest in your informed dissent, preferring it to the apathetic, uninterested student reading the Daily sitting next to you in lecture.

Another important aspect of student life is getting involved. There are many student groups, including this one, who lead the campus to a more vibrant (and interesting) day-to-day existence. There are groups devoted to service (The Detroit Project, Dance Marathon, K-Grams). There are political groups galore (from YAF and College Republicans to BAMN and College Democrats). There are groups devoted to journalistic excellence (The Michigan Review). And there are groups for people who want to write stuff no one will read (The Michigan Daily and The Michigan Independent). Whatever the case, it’s an important part of your growth as an individual and socially to get out on campus and find your niche. This isn’t high school, and not every activity can be fulfilled. And more importantly, no activity is so sacrosanct to give students the privilege to feel exceedingly self-important (Michigan Student Assembly).

There are many more aspects of student life, for better and for worse, that you’ll encounter in your next four (hopefully not five) years here on campus. Your education isn’t a period in time, it’s an experience. Keep in mind that the University of Michigan is like a best friend who’s prone to slipping up from time-to-time: flawed nonetheless, but you still care for them and will be there for them in the end. MR

the michigan review

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Campus Affairs

Summer 2006

Michigan’s Five Biggest Issues

By Blake Emerson, ‘09

O

N CAMPUS THIS FALL, five big issues are sure to dominate discussion on campus, with opinions swirling from all corners of the campus. For students from out-of-state, first generation Wolverines, or the generally inattentive and apathetic, we here at the Review have compiled our annual guide to the top five issues that you’re sure to encounter this coming year, your first at Michigan. This cheat sheet will bring you up to speed and give you a head start when you step onto campus this fall.

1. The MCRI

Just three short years ago, the University of Michigan became the central battleground in the U.S. for affirmative action with Grutter v. Bollinger and Gratz v. Bollinger. The cases effectively allowed race to be considered as a factor in college admission, so long as no specific point system is used. During those cases, Michigan displayed its roots as one of the premier activist campuses in the country. This fall, expect the “U” to return to national headlines as the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI) hits the state ballot on November 7th.

The MCRI would prohibit state universities “from discriminating or granting preferential treatment based on race, sex, color, ethnicity, or national origin.” If affirmed by the voters, no longer would any state university have the right to use race as a factor in admissions. Many critics believe that the initiative will decrease minority attendance since there is an achievement gap in K12 education, hindering racial progress in the state and country. Supporters say that the MCRI is necessary to halt the trend of reverse racial discrimination.

Achieving diversity in education is important for a well-rounded education that prepares students for the real world. The real issue is how that diversity is achieved. Either way, students can expect Michigan to stay true to its activist label, and beat out other state universities for the “campaign headquarters” of the MCRI. Last year, the militant pro-affirmative action group BAMN stole the headlines with their big rally in the Diag, in which they bused inner-city children to act as pawns for their agenda. This year, expect even more noise in the Diag and around campus as BAMN and other groups fight to keep affirmative action in admissions

decisions. Recent polling suggests that support is waning for the initiative, but we’ll wait to see if it passes, and what kind of impact it has on campus life.

2. The Health of the “U”

Last year, students were welcomed back to campus with a drop in our academic rankings. US News and World Report, the most reliable college rankings publication, dropped Michigan’s undergraduate ranking from 22nd to 25th. The “U” has been adversely affected by the sluggish Michigan economy, dependent on a failing auto industry, and as a result, the “U” has been handcuffed by a steady decrease in state appropriations. For 2006, the state’s appropriation per student dropped a whopping 26%, which turns out to be more than $1,000 per student less than in 2005.

When negative trends like this take place, many other factors are affected. Since many high school students base college decisions upon rankings, the University may no longer attract top students. In addition, the decreases also hurt the quality of education in the classroom by putting a stranglehold on the resources available to undergraduates. Furthermore, the University will be under increased pressure to increase class sizes and restrict faculty pay. Overall, the University has done a stellar job with maintaining a high quality of education, but downward trends eventually adversely affect any institution. So why is this a key issue for this coming year?

Recently, Governor Granholm proposed a 2% increase in appropriations to Michigan in 2007, possibly reversing the trend of decreases, and possibly allowing the University to improve upon its weaknesses. Furthermore, although specific figures have not yet been released, preliminary indications suggest a relatively sharp drop in admissions after years of steady increases in admissions and matriculation rates.

With these factors, this could be the year that Michigan turns the corner.

3. Stability of “U’s” student parties

Last school year ended with a bang…if that’s the sound a website makes when it crashes. Michigan Progressive Party (MPP) accused Students 4 Michigan (S4M) of attempting to shut down its website during voting. Regardless, S4M continued its dominance, winning the MSA presidential slot, barely beating out MPP candidates. But with

the students’ minds focused on the dirty politics, most notably played by S4M, look for a shakeup in the campus parties.

S4M, the melting-pot party big on diversity and little on unity, will likely dissolve and reform under a new name.

MPP may be the party that takes advantage of the end of S4M’s dominance.

Last year, MPP, hailing from the liberal ranks of the Residential College, lobbied for activist causes such as the return of student government money to the left wing group PIRGIM. For a new party, MPP garnered lots of support, even securing an endorsement by The Michigan Daily.

The other new party on campus, the Student Conservative Party (SCP), did win some seats, but came up far short for the MSA presidential bid.

SCP primarily ran on bringing CocaCola back to campus, and after we welcomed back Coca-Cola to campus from a semester-long ban, one wonders what platform SCP will run on in the future.

If MPP wins, we may see more political activism among students. If S4M continues to exist, they will thank the student voters for all of the alcohol consumed over the summer to wipe away the memories of its scandalous past.

4. Stadium Renovations

Last year’s stadium renovation stories underdeveloped a crucial point: If the Big House is going to stay true to its name and remain the biggest college football stadium in the country, the stadium needs to undergo a complete overhaul. The “U” is being pressured to make the stadium more accessible for the disabled and to make wider seats.

In addition, commentators, players, and fans alike wonder how 107,501 people can be so quiet (acoustical issues). In order to appease everyone, the stadium may even lose seats and become the second biggest football stadium behind Penn State’s 107,288 seats. Most fans, in addition to the improvements, want Michigan Stadium to be the biggest in the country. Athletic Director Bill Martin believes that skyboxes are the only way to finance necessary renovations and to ensure that the stadium stays the largest in the country. The issue came to a boiling point in May, as the University Board of Regents voted 5-3 in favor of the renovations.

This will continue to be a hot button issue because football is nostal-

gia in Ann Arbor. Even when our team performs poorly (last year), we still can take pride in the Big House as we tell all our friends how amazing our stadium is. If the stadium renovations do not stay true to the traditional spirit of the stadium, alumni contributions could diminish.

5. Rebound of Sports Programs

With sports-related issues making 2 of the 5 Big Issues for this year, it is safe to say that this campus cares about its sports. As such, our sports programs, as a whole, must improve.

Most notably, the football team went 7-5, its worst record in 21 years. The team did face injuries, but with the constant influx of top 10 recruiting classes, it is about time the team outperforms expectations – especially in big games like Ohio State, Notre Dame, and bowl games (games that we all lost last year).

Michigan coaches must also develop their players better. Only 3 Michigan players were drafted in the 2006 NFL draft, with the first coming in the 4th round. The hockey team and basketball teams also ended with disappointments.

So why does this matter to the students? Besides school pride, we need good sports to boost alumni monetary contributions and to attract top students who emphasize school spirit and sports. Luckily, this coming year could bring much needed help to our programs. Football head coach Lloyd Carr mixed up the staff by promoting Mike DeBord to offensive coordinator, the ex-offensive coordinator during the 1997 National Championship season.

Players are excited by the downfield mentality absent in the past few seasons.

The hockey team has the advantage of experience and the return of defensive standout Jack Johnson. The basketball team will have to endure losses, making the future less clear for that team.

Overall, Michigan sports mean a lot to the students. Last year, the athletic program disappointed students, and this coming year marks a crucial year in Michigan sports. With strong showings, Michigan can look forward to continued financial support and moral well-being of the “U.” Make sure to keep reading the Review throughout the school year for coverage and analysis of all of these issues, and more. MR

Page 6

the michigan review Definitions

Summer 2006

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About

S

URE, THEY TELL YOU all sorts of things at Freshman Orientation, but what’s the REALLY important stuff to know? Well, here at the Review, we’ve compiled a glossary of sorts to help you traverse Ann Arbor without looking clueless. So read, study, and don’t leave home without this.

“Angell Hall”: Central campus academic building characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour operation, communist janitors, and English professors that have plush offices who choose to meet for office hours at hippie hang-outs instead.

“Ann Arbor”: AKA, the People’s Republic of, 27 square miles surrounded by reality. A shell of a Midwestern city taken over by the University of Michigan and “1960’s era” hippies. Also, a city that sees more major events come through than any small college town is entitled to.

“The Arb”, AKA “Nichols Arboretum”: Beautiful “living museum” of plants, trails, and fields located near the University Hospital. Characterized by couples on dates making out, sketchy old guys masturbating behind trees, and ROTC jungle training lab on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around in silly patterns). The Arb has the rare distinction of being a favorite hangout of the Unabomber during his University days.

“Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, PIRGIM, Fraternities, Sororities, The Michigan Review, see also the College Republicans.

“B-School”: The University of Michigan Business School. Characterized by caffeine-wired, anal retentive individuals that will probably make mad cash by selling their respective souls to corporate America.

“BAMN”: The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action (and integration, and to stop the racist war in [insert country here] and whatever else they feel like adding in that week) By Any Means Necessary. A collection of revolutionary communists and Detroit high school students who get off on causing trouble and intimidating students around campus.

“Beaners”: No, this isn’t an attempt at overt racism.

Beaners is the actual name of a coffee shop in town.

On a campus that protested Michagamua, a secret society deemed “hostile” to Native Americans, we wonder how this establishment managed to slip through the cracks.

“Big Ten Burrito”: Home of the cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk and most stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer. More recently, a symbol of Big-10 stupidity; look for a name change

in the near future.

A Michigan Review Glossary of Terms

“Buffalo Wild Wings”: Now established on campus, this is *the* place to watch the game. Cheapest beer on campus.

“Bursley AKA BurLodge/Baits”: North campus residence halls which, despite boasting the best cafeteria in Housing, are also characterized by many lonely nights of hating not being on central campus and many pissed off mornings of missing the bus.

In Baits, watch out for the shared refrigerators… you only think that was your meatloaf.

“College Democrats”: People who support collagen injections as a tool for political advancement.

“College Libertarians”: An intellectual bunch who want the Democrats out of your wallet, and the Republicans out of your bedroom. Sadly, Republicans identify Libertarians as hippies, and liberals refer to them as anarchists. See also, “College Republicans no longer in denial.”

“Econ 101”: A weeder class required for B-school admissions whose tests scarcely have anything to do with the study of economics.

“Espresso Royale”: Known for their conspicuous advocacy of fair trade coffee, the coffee king is the main competitor of Starbucks on campus. Home of the tragically hip indie kids and graduate students holding office hours.

“Every Three Weekly”: A spin-off of The Michigan Review humor section published through the University Activities Center. Watch the stupid kid next to you in class think that Chad Henne really did cause the Holocaust. Caught some hell from UAC in 2004 for publicizing that Olympic Gold Medalist and Michigan “student” Michael Phelps intends to “major in pussy” during his four years here.

“The Facebook”: The most technologically advanced way to just *almost* hook up, and everybody’s favorite distraction from papers. Also, a sure GPA-killer.

“College Republicans”: A toolbox concerned with pushing issues in the Republican platform, many of whom will reach great heights in politics by kissing mucho ass. For example, drain commissioner and zoning board are reachable goals. See also, Assholes.

“Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s indoor computing site.

Characterized by large glass windows, people walking around for hours on end trying to find just one damn open computer, and rampant un-productivity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and high-pitched laughing by the Asian kids at 3am.

“Dance Marathon”: The happiest people on earth, and yes Disney was lying. Campus group that hosts 30 hour marathon for Mott’s Hospital every year that will have you so sick of community service by the end that you’ll push a child into the street.

“Fraternities:” Groups of men who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented friends, date-rape drugs, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes.

“Diag”: Harassment capital of the world. Characterized by Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Dafa Guy (yes, guy is a proper noun) meditating, Diag Preacher screaming “You’re going to hell,” BAMN protests, Holocaust name reading marathon, the LGBT kissin, and hot girls in the spring time. By sophomore year, you’ll learn to avoid the Diag at all costs.

“Gargoyle”: The University’s official monthly humor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar.

Per issue, The Michigan Review is winning the contest as a funnier publication, which says something because we aren’t a humor magazine.

“Diversity”: The quality of possessing difference.

In University speak, this means a quantitative value corresponding directly to the number of “underrepresented” minorities attending. For example, a class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and Native American students would be considered 100% “diverse,” while a class of 24% Asian Republicans, 41% White Green Party members, and 35% Indian Democrats all of whom belong to a variety of religions and socio-economic backgrounds and have varying sexual orientations would be considered 0% “diverse.”

“DPS”: Department of Public Safety. As you will learn from the Daily Crime Notes, they have no suspects…ever…really.

“GEO”: The Graduate Student Instructors’ union that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every other left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at Espresso Royale. Hold their annual walkout in April, just in time for finals. See also, assholes.

“Greek System”: Because high school was so much fun the first time around...

“Greens”: People that help George W. Bush get elected.

“Hobo”: The homeless, and “NO! 25 cents is not good enough.” In Ann Arbor, the bums ask for $2 and don’t even invite you up to their apartment for

the michigan review

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Definitions (Continued)

Summer 2006

Michigan (But Were Too Afraid to Ask) For the Ann Arbor Neophyte a beer. Many hold college degrees, but find harassing liberal guilt-ridden upper-class college kids far more profitable. The West Hall arch reeks from this trade, and watch your garbage for daily can collections. See also, “Extreme Urban Campers.”

“In and Out”: A party store—get your mind out of the gutter. Good late night pizza.

“Nicole Stallings”: Director of the campus zoo, or President Barbie… in other words, MSA President.

“Jaywalking”: This term does not exist here, you asshole pedestrians.

“Jimmy John’s”: Located now on all four corners of the Diag, they have reduced college students use of the cook stove to the occasional “warming up my Jimmy John’s in the oven” use. Also characterized by their KY Mayonnaise. And yes, the smells are free.

“KerryTown”: Where 1960’s era hippies hang out.

Ann Arbor shopping district.

“Liberal”: The haunting fear that somebody somewhere can help themselves.

“Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of the Michigan Wolverines Varsity Football Team, and looks like he’s melting. High “overall” winning percentage, high “I blew that one” percentage when it matters. High… est paid dude at the school, too. Well, some doctor or something is higher, but pretty close. Also, Droopy the Dog. “Mary Sue Coleman”: President of the University of Michigan. Characterized by different head shots which look completely different and a half million bucks a year to run this mofo.

“The Michigan Daily”: A group of mostly white, upper-middle-class students who put out a poorly written newspaper every day about how white, upper-middle-class students are oppressing people at the University. They’ve never met a walk-out they didn’t like and their cartoonists are starting kindergarten art this fall.

“The Michigan League”: The once-segregated hangout for women on campus, it curiously hosts almost all Republican-affiliated events on campus. Also, where The Michigan Review office is located.

“The Michigan Review”: A diverse group of women, minorities, and lower-middle class and poor students who put out a hard-hitting journal of commentary and analysis every two weeks with a commitment to logic and truth so unyielding that we’re the assholes.

“The Michigan Union”: Central student center filled with the joys of Magic Wok and the most profitable Subway in the country.

“Morlocks”: 1. Creatures in an H.G. Wells novel, who never saw the light of day, dwelt in caves, glowed in the dark from lack of exposure to light, and consumed human flesh to live.

2. Residents of East Quad

“Queer Awareness Week”: Annual event that encourages closeted homosexuals to “come out.” Includes a kiss-in in which you kiss a member of the same sex for everyone and their mother to see on the Diag. See also, a good day to take another way to class.

“Rev. Al Sharpton”: A nuisance and a demagogue who is a staple at BAMN protests, and actually called white people “crackers” on the Diag last year.

Which is apparently acceptable now.

“MSA”: The student assembly of the University of Michigan. A college version of a student council the group claims to be able to do many things for students, usually around election time, and generally fails to produce anything of substance beyond “development” conferences and other perks for themselves. Also great for resume stuffing and pointless bickering. See also, assholes.

“Rick’s”: Though you won’t get there until junior year, this is probably the hottest bar on campus.

Near Pizza House. Where you’ll have your twentyfirst birthday until you throw up.

“Naked Mile”: A grand old tradition here at the U where simple, innocent, graduating seniors would liberate themselves in the elation of graduating and run stark raving naked for a mile while dodging cops trying to take them down for indecent exposure.

The advent of sickos with streaming webcams and a SWAT team parked on South U during the last day of classes at 12am is making this slightly more difficult.

“Snow”: White frozen stuff that falls to the ground in Michigan for the majority of your education here.

“New Yorkers”: Comprise what seems damn near 40% of this campus. Kids who weren’t smart enough to attend Ivy League schools, but too rich to stay in-state. Ergo, they invade Ann Arbor.

“North Campus”: Beautiful sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence halls.

Sadly, if you enjoy “civilization” or “doing stuff,” you’re out of luck. See also, “boring” and “far away from everything.”

“Parking”: Like “jaywalking,” this term does not exist in Ann Arbor either.

“PIRGIM”: A “research” group trying to coerce MSA into giving them $20,000 to lobby for students by trying to reduce greenhouse gases by one-quarter percent. See also, assholes.

“Pizza House”: The unofficial restaurant of the University of Michigan student body. See also, overrated, overpriced, open until 4am, and/or cheesy bread rocks.

“Pop”: The correct term for the sweetened carbonated beverage which all you East-coasters might refer to as soda, a popular baking ingredient.

“Psych 111”: Blow-off class…take this.

“Shaman Drum”: A fire trap of a local bookstore with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sciences.

“SOLE”: A student group for rich, white kids with liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of being rich and white by campaigning for workers’ rights at the most ridiculous levels and advocating communism whenever possible to spite their parents and damn the man.

“Sororities”: Groups of women who spend $500 a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply rented slutty friends, the right to get drunk and screw frat boys, and membership to a group identified by Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See also, assholes.

“Sun”: A large ball of flaming gas in the sky that disappears sometime in October and returns just in time for girls to wear tank tops and Dominick’s to open in April.

“Taubman”: Alfred to be exact. Billionaire mall mogul and University donor that is now…in jail despite having a medical library and architecture school named after him.

“Village Corner”: Convenience store characterized by freaks that will take your fake ID…and sometimes, your real one.

“Zingerman’s”: A world-famous deli, most notable for its $15 sandwiches and bread as hard as a rock.

But the food is delicious, and it’s a place you want to have your parents take you. MR

the michigan review

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Face-Off

Summer 2006

Michigan Review Face-Off: Greek Life

Review staff writer and Greek Life member Mike Balkin faces off against Nick Cheolas over the merits of going Greek I Love Being Greek

I Love Being Greek Too...but I don’t pay

By Mike Balkin, ‘09

By Nick Cheolas, ‘07

’m not from Greece, if that’s what you’re thinking. Rather, I am a member of the Greek system here it at the University of Michigan. I, moreover, am a proud member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi Fraternity here on campus. For the most part, especially at the University of Michigan, fraternities and sororities do not resemble the stereotypical representations that have been exposed through film and television.

Movies like “Animal House” and “Old School,” while funny and entertaining, do a great disservice to the American Greek system (but, I’ll still always love these movies). Granted, the primary goal of these films is not to present a accurate portrayal of Greek organizations. However, they have inadvertently fanned the flames of an increasingly large mischaracterization. They have built upon the notion that Greek organizations just want to party and get drunk and do unbelievably crazy things. This mischaracterization, furthermore, has an additional component. Many opponents of the University’s Greek system claim that Greek organizations are elitist and “are only for rich kids.” This could not be further from the truth.

Contrary to popular belief, fraternities and sororities do participate in a wide variety of philanthropic ventures that aim to either aid in the development of the community in which they operate or fulfill a higher moral or national purpose. In fact, each year the entire Greek community participates in “Greek Week.” This “Week” is dedicated to Greek-sponsored activities that help raise massive amounts of money for a number of different charities and causes. Additionally, many fraternities and sororities sponsor their own charitable events and activities. Also, many fraternities and sororities may even offer scholarships to members who cannot pay the, organizational fees. This begs the question: is philanthropy “elitist” or “only for rich kids?” I’ll let you decide.

What the system’s opponents are trying to get at, I suppose, is the Greek social factor. Opponents of the Greek system, therefore, probably believe that fraternities and sororities are elitist social organizations which aim to include only Greek members at parties, mixers, and other social functions. This is partly true. However, at “frat parties,” which are often themed and intensely fun, there usually is a guest list which is set-up to include students who are outside of the Greek system, in these sorts of activities. Wait, you say, a guest list sounds pretty elitist to me, even if it includes non-Greek members. Well, think about it this way. Let’s say you have a birthday party at your house or apartment. You invite your close friends and possibly some classmates that you recently have become friendly with. Now, let’s say random people just start to show up. You don’t know who these people are. You don’t even know if they are students at the University. Would you even let them in the door, let alone eat your birthday cake or drink the spirits you provided for your invited guests? I think not.

The opponents of the Greek system would have you believe, moreover, that these non-invited guests should be included in your birthday party and be able to consume the food and spirits YOU provided and paid for. Meanwhile, these non-invited guests haven’t even introduced themselves to you and it’s your birthday party. How would you feel?

Now, instead of debunking the opponents’ arguments, let me introduce you to the advantages and “complete awesomeness” of being a part of the University’s Greek system. As I said before, Greek organizations can become efficient vectors for philanthropy and charitable ventures. In addition, fraternities and sororities are often diverse organizations and have members of many different backgrounds and ethnicities. In the case of fraternities, and sororities, a strong bond is developed between all of the members. If you’re part of a fraternity or sorority, you’re part of something that is bigger than yourself. Moreover, you’re part of organization that aims to do charitable good for its community, create strong bonds of friendship and companionship between its members, and throw some pretty sweet parties, as well.

As you can see, I am a strong supporter of the Greek system. It has provided me with opportunities to provide for my community, as well as forge lifelong friendships with people with similar interests. If you come visit us in the fall, you’ll quickly find that Greek organizations are not the “animal houses” or “elitist organizations” you’ve heard about. MR

S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren to face off against my esteemed colleague and fake Greek friend, Mike Balkin. However, I want to let our readers know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities and Sororities. In fact, I am quite honored that several thousand of my fellow students will pay thousands per semester just to be associated with my ethnicity. There are many things one must consider before joining the Greek system, so without further ado, I present the top nine reasons to remain independent and proud here at Michigan (would have been ten, but I ran out of space).

9) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing costs, they may not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. If they won’t, you have to decide if a job is worth it.

8) You graduated: High school is four years long. You don’t get four more. Sadly, the Greek system has not figured this out, and thus, a quasi-high school subculture has emerged, complete with “labels” (you know, the “cool kids,” “jocks,” “stoners,” etc.) “spirit week” (Greek week), “that girl” (the slut that everyone knows is a slut, but everyone is afraid to tell her she’s a slut) and so on.

7) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a house will require a good portion of your time and energy. This may have a number of implications – some prefer to have more time to relax outside of class, some prefer to never have to attend functions at night, and some may prefer to stay in on a Thursday night to study for a Friday exam. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are more than simply social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout the year. While some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want to be halfway through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle all the activity.

6) The Greek system is racist: Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this really a “critical mass?”

5) They’re homophobic too: I’m not really sure anybody has ever produced any actual evidence to support this, but the LGBT said it, so you know it must be true.

4) The Greek system eats babies: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media coverage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk or smoke a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor cops generally won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem.

But if you break some stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than 5.25 sorority girls per every “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday, drinking domestic beer from a blue cup), you better head for the hills. Pretty soon, the media will be “shocked and appalled” at the Greek system, and the administration will subsequently pillage your house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and ride off on your women.

3) Living under a microscope: Every action of the Greek community, good or bad, is magnified (and you can guess what gets magnified most). You can raise $10,000 for cancer research, but if you get caught having an “illegal” party, goodnight. The same pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, administration threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, and the houses routinely break the fake rules until another one gets caught.

2) Segregation: The real problem with segregation here at Michigan is between the Greeks and the Independents. House parties are generally foreign to Michigan Greeks (unless said house party is preceded by the name of a sport, such as “Baseball House” or “Crew House”), in which case the jersey chasers will be out in force. Frat parties (especially now) are generally foreign to Independents. Much of the Greek system can be found at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledging a house may certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth consideration.

1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, but they choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once.

I showed them my driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card.

I punched him right in the temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is drink excessively, smoke pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous.

I don’t smoke pot at all. MR

I

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the michigan review

Page 9

Dorm Life

Summer 2006

Dungeons and Dorms...Same Difference

By Natalie Newton, ‘09

provide social events within the dorms. All-female resi- their own dorms are as disgusting. dencies have obvious advantages. They tend to be quiOff-Campus Housing et’s just get this out of the way: living in eter, less distracting, and better smelling than the other While few freshmen actually live in Co-ops the dorms sucks. The food is, at best, terrible, the dorms, though social isolation isn’t exactly the point of or fraternity/sororities, most freshmen end up at them bathroom is essentially a communal cesspool: and the college. during Welcome Week parties, so you might as well beconcrete walls do nothing for your cell phone reception.

Central Campus come familiar with them. Co-ops are like big, creepy So with that in mind, welcome to residential living at

In addition to the all-female residence halls, families; 20 to 30 people live in a house together and the University of Michigan, an exciting world of brocSouth, East, West, and in the near future, North Quads help out with chores, and almost every weekend, one of coli bake, competitive laundry, and paper-thin walls! It comprise the Central Campus student housing. While them has a weird-themed party. While not for everyone, doesn’t take much for the average freshmen to realize North Quad is still in its planning stage, the other three Co-op living is actually the cheapest option for U of M that all dorms are not created equal, and it is in this spirit quads offer a diverse array of living experiences for those students. Greek houses tend to be bundled throughout that the wise and all-knowing Michigan Review imparts lucky enough to end up in them as freshmen. South campus; they’re big, beautiful, and have lawns covered our vast knowledge upon incoming freshmen in the Quad is home to the Honors College and also tends to with red plastic cups. Most people are either into the hope that they won’t be as clueless as we were. house many student athletes; it seems an ilThe Hill logical mix of students, especially when the

The Hill neighborhood includes basically evcafeteria is segregated into two sides that offer ery dorm east of Washtenaw Avenue—Couzens, Alice the ease of isolation for both nerds and jocks Lloyd, Mosher Jordan (aka MoJo), Stockwell, and Maralike. With eight floors and a full computer kley. With the exception of Stockwell, the Hill dorms center on the 9th, South are all fairly Quad is the largest dorm on large, typical campus and has some of the dormitories. A biggest rooms. West Quad new cafeteria is joined to the Michigan is being added Union, making its residents to Markley, but the laziest on campus, since in general, the they can get Magic Wok Hill dorms— at 1 a.m. without putting especially Maron anything more than a kley—have a bathrobe. Currently, West reputation for Quad is the only dorm with being…una reliable (and legal) wireless pleasant. The system, which can be a huge rooms are small, advantage to students. On Just wait until the annual plague hits the buildings the other hand, there’s no HAHAHA! You live in Bursley!

Markley in February are old, and the elevator, making it an interestfood is gross, but what do you expect? After all, this is ing juxtaposition of modernity and the archaic. While Greek thing or they aren’t, but the option exists either a public university. So you got stuck on the Hill…cheer East Quad might seem a little lonely all by itself down way. up! At least you aren’t on North Campus.

East University Avenue, it’s chock-full of Residential So maybe your freshmen year isn’t going so North Campus College students to keep you company on those cold well: your bathroom is full of cockroaches (true story),

North Campus is home to the Schools of Enand lonely Michigan winter nights. By the end of fresh- your roommate’s a nightmare, and by the time you get gineering , Music, and Art and Design, as well as the men year, you’ll probably be able to identify RC students over the flu that’s been going around, it has unfortuBursley and Baits dorms. Bursley claims to have the by sight, but until then, hanging out in East Quad will nately started a return trip. The beginning of the second best food on campus, but let’s be honest: when semester of your freshmen year is the best time you’re on North Campus, you’ll take whatever to start looking for off-campus housing; by then, glory you can get. While some might actually you’ll probably have a good idea who you want enjoy the isolation or the vicinity to engineerto live with, what kind of housing you’re looking ing and art facilities that North Campus housfor, and where you want to be the following year. ing provides, most freshmen who get stuck in Searching online at the various Ann Arbor rental Bursley or Baits spend 20% of their freshmen web sites is probably your best option, but looking year complaining and another 40% waiting for through the Classifieds and talking to your older the bus back and forth between North and Cenand wiser friends couldn’t hurt. tral campuses. People who are quick to defend By now, you are surely trembling in your seats North Campus actually expect the rest of us to at the thought of actually living in a tiny, cramped believe that there are “parties” up there, but room in a huge, overcrowded building with 400 honestly, who has time to research their claims strangers. The best advice I can offer is to stop when everyone else is busy going to real parties worrying; the rest of us have made it out relatively between the Hill and Central Campus? unscathed, and every cockroach you chase through For Women Only the hallway, every disturbing 3 am sound coming

In the spirit of gender equality, the from the room upstairs, and every bowl of Lucky “U” has several dorms reserved just for women.

Charms you eat for dinner are all just part of the The all-female dorms on campus include Betsey college experience. MR West Quad: At least it’s not South Quad Barbour, Helen Newberry, Stockwell, and Martha Cook. They are easy to spot, since they are give you plenty of practice. Students who live there get easily some of the nicest-looking buildings on campus. a good preview of what it’s like at orientation, while the Because of their smaller sizes, all-female housing tends rest are surely filled with dread and anxiety over whether to be more interactive and communal, and they often

L

the michigan review

Page 10

Summer 2006

Campus Life

Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or Later

By Michael O’Brien, ‘08

I

T’S REALLY A FASCINATING little game to play—watch how many of the kids on the Facebook who, at the beginning of the year, list their status as “in a relationship,” dwindle away and list themselves as single within the first month of school. Also, keep an eye on the friends you’ve made—by the end of the month, if they’re not tied up, or at least don’t have a regular “special friend” on speed dial, well, then they’re lucky folks.

I don’t mean to be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just far easier to break off that two-year high school fling now, rather than in mid-March, when your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you at 2 am and swears that it didn’t count because they were hammered. The same rule applies for getting yourself too involved too soon when you get to school in the fall; it just puts a damper on your social life.

I realize that many might be reluctant to say good-bye to that person with whom you just spent a serious portion of the last several years of your life. There are all those sweet memories: your prom night, that first date, whatever. But why would you want to sour those memories or muddy them in a messy break-up? You and your better half should really take a hard look at reality.

Sure, it is entirely possible to maintain a solid relationship with substantial differences between the two of you. But it’s sure as hell not probable.

College has a lot to offer when it comes to social opportunities. Welcome Week is a blast for most students, and you probably don’t want to spend that Fri-

day night on the phone crooning to your high school sweetheart about how much you miss them. Half of college’s experiences lie well beyond the scope of the academic or the classroom; it’s very much a social, extracurricular experience. At parties, at football games, and even (for you North Campus kids) on the bus, it’s hard not to be inundated and a bit overwhelmed by the hundreds of new faces you meet. Quite frankly, it’s a blur. It’s through this, and your experience of your first prolonged time away from home that most students go through a somewhat substantial change in themselves, no matter how much they try to resist it. And with these changes in self come wholesale reevaluations of one’s relationships with others. Many students become much more self-aware, and their perspectives on things, if not their opinions, shift around a bit. And sure, there’s a good deal of pressure (and rightly so) to go out and make friends and be social.

The question any incoming frosh should be asking themselves is whether, given this, they can even, in good conscience, maintain a high school relationship.

Why go through the almost inevitable hell that comes through a messy breakup via long-distance phone calls and furious instant messaging? Why, especially if you can manage an amicable split after talking things out, with a good friendship that will be mutually supportive in the future? There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold onto every last thread of those sweet memories, while a soon-to-be ex is slowly turning the knife freshly stuck in your back.

Break up with your sweetie; it will be a lot less painful

at the end of the summer than a random Wednesday afternoon before your big midterm.

So even if you come to school with a clean slate, ready to meet your thousands of classmates, you’re not out of the woods yet. Don’t enter into a serious relationship too soon or even at all during your first year.

The first nice guy or girl you may meet may click just right during September, but there’s no reason to stymie your social life by getting too involved. It’s incredibly easy to miss a lot of experiences, and neglect developing your skills by doing the same thing every weekend with the same person. Getting into a relationship too soon can be a great cause of doubt, as well. You may snatch up the first suitable partner that comes along, but that girl you pass every day on the Diag or that guy who sits near you in your Econ discussion will pique your imagination much more now that you’ve tied yourself down.

Also, fanciful high school notions of what constitutes a good relationship wash away eventually as the realism of college begins to set in.

The bottom line remains, though, that most students are uncertain about what kind of person they are or where they’ll be at the end of their first year of school, let alone four years of college. Freshman year, with its varied and formative experiences, is just not the time for serious commitment. The first year of college is just a much better experience, when done correctly, without a boyfriend or girlfriend imposing on your social life. MR

Don’t Be on Time, Be on Michigan Time

By Michael Kasiborski, ‘04

F

reshman – let me be amongst the first to welcome you to the University of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your next four, five, or even six to ten years here (that better include grad school...), you will discover the wonders that I too eventually found.

As a little helping hand before you embark on your academic journey, the Review would like to offer you some friendly advice that you will find very useful in your first few weeks.

As you will learn during Orientation, “Michigan Time” refers to the 10-minute spacing for classes. Hence, a 10am class really actually and truly begins at 10:10am, and so on and so forth. Your first day of class, however, you will undoubtedly show up thirty minutes before your class actually begins. There you will all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically arriving early, all staring at your watches in a vacant Mason Hall hallway, collectively watching the time tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan Time means exactly what it says, class starts 10 minutes after its posted time. Get yourself a little more sleep and save yourself from staring at a watch for 30 minutes.

When your class actually does

start, there is a strategy to seating yourself. This rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to recitations, seminars, and discussions. And sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender specific, and not for the faint of heart. Gentlemen, for you I will share the single best piece of advice I can dispense to help you get through your boring classes: as you enter the classroom on the first day, seek out the hottest girl in your class. Try and be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, must unfortunately skip this strategy), and without drawing much attention to yourself with freshman-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start talking to her, but not like you’re interviewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her where’s she from, where’s she living now, etc. Casually say something witty about how terrible dorm food is or how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem informed, and seem cool (because let’s face it, you’re probably not).

This seating strategy doesn’t stop after the first day though. Even if during your initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan have boyfriends; if this is not the case, they must be crazy). You can handle that “boyfriend” noise be-

cause after all - you’re sitting next to her because you’re a good guy, not because you’re an asshole that likes staring at her chest. What’s more it will totally catch her off guard in a good way if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag that you are already hoping it’s a long-distance relationship that you can break up.

Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize your position as the guy that sits next to her.

Eventually, your seat next to her will become your territory. The two of you, or more if there are other goodlooking girls in your area, will have staked out a claim to your territory. No one will dare move in on your space. With this territorial domain, you can carve out a good group of people to sit with. Hopefully you have been endearing them to you over the first few weeks of class with irreverent remarks about the stupidity of your GSI, the horrible grade you got on your last paper (tip: you always do poorly, but you always are confident enough to laugh it off – this seems to work), or hilarious comments about the weird kid in class (disclaimer: the Review does not condone ripping on the dorks in your

class, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy in class that exudes so much machismo that the hot girl sits next to him, your classmates will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at Michigan, for the approval of others?

Where you sit in class tells a lot about you. And no, I’m not talking about smart kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in the back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits in the back. But the really smart kids sit next to hot girls. And the really hot girls sit wherever they want because they are hot and do as the please, so you better sit next to them. If this advice seems sexist, chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to the concerns of ugly people and socially inept nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But frankly, those kind of people are so sexually frustrated that they infer innuendoes from their engineering homework: you know, the problem about the tangent line penetrating the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so that’s not a real problem/it lacks any sense. But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve been sitting next to in my Psychology class all semester to think of anything intelligent. Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR

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the michigan review Advice

Summer 2006

How to Not Look Like a Freshman

By Brian McNally, ‘08

R

emember your first day of high school—confused, disoriented, not knowing what to expect, and clutching your class schedule in one hand you went from class to class, right? Well, five years later, you are in the same position, only now you have an entire city to worry about. Fear not, grasshopper, for The Michigan Review has created this issue hoping that we can ingratiate ourselves enough with you so that you will join our staff. Unfortunately, there is only a short time with which we can work so that you can enter campus on September 1st and not have to relive the angst of high school. So buckle down and prepare to learn How Not to be a Freshman.

Hill Auditorium Hosting such big names as Pink Floyd, Gordon Lightfoot, BB King, and Ann Arbor’s own Bob Seger, Hill was the place to go for concerts . . . in the 70s. Now, UM students are lucky to get as mediocre a performer as Ludicrous, er, Ludacris, to entertain them. Since the Michigan Student Assembly lost money on that event, UM might have to resign itself to speeches from Michael Moore and philharmonic concerts at this fine venue.

If MSA brings a good band to campus, which is scheduled to happen right after the first cold spell in Hell, you can pick up tickets at the office in the Michigan Union basement.

The Diag The connector for all of your Central Campus classes and your biggest obstacle to getting to class, the Diag is where the nutcases come out to play. As the midterm elections approach, watch out for the token socialist group, BAMN, and their rallies led by students bussed in from Detroit high schools. Since Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and other demagogues are a fixture at these rallies, these days would be a good time to avoid the Diag. As a rule of thumb, any time that you can hear a megaphone when you are 150 yards from the Grad Library, you should take a wide detour. Scratch that. Just avoid the Diag entirely if you don’t want to get jumped by environmentalists, communists, and MSA candidates shoving pieces of paper in your face.

The Harmonica Player in front of the UGLI . . . is not homeless, has a PhD in biochemistry, and is a Senior Lab Specialist in the Department of Cellular, Molecular

and Developmental Biology. Unless the AAPD got clever with their disguises, the dirty hippie at Hash Bash is just a dirty hippie.

Michigan Football

meet other people who share your interests. Interested in protesting the Man, even against overwhelming evidence contrary to your position? Join the Students Organized for Labor Equality (SOLE).

Looking for a resume builder that entails no actual work, fact-checking, or importance? Join the Michigan Student Assembly. Want to write for a hard-hitting campus publication that goes head to head with other campus newspapers, has had members quoted in national newspapers, and is the last bastion of sanity in Ann Arbor? Join The Michigan Review.

The premier Jewish deli and sandwich shop. To not be a freshman, you need to know two things. First, Zingerman’s is located in Kerrytown on Detroit and East Kingsley. Knowing where to go is half the battle. Once you get there, order a whole sandwich—whatever sandwich you may order—to get the most for your money.

If you order a half sandwich, you display a total disregard for getting the best deal you can, which means one of two things: your education is being financed by rich parents, or you’re not really a college student. Wrap up the other half and take it home with you. Better yet, drop it off at the Review offices and we’ll be happy to take care of it for you.

The Big House is where the mob cheers as men battle on the gridiron. If you don’t have tickets, keep your eyes peeled the first week of class. If you still can’t get tickets, scalpers frequent the front of the Stadium where tickets may range in value from half to double price. A large percentage of the scalpers are honest, but the tickets are often not for the student section, meaning that you will be surrounded by 80 year old alumni who frown on such staples as “The Claw” and singing “The Victors” whenever possible.

Due to the recent struggles of the team, it is recommended that you learn “Living on a Prayer” in addition to “The Victors”, as it has become a second fight song. Also, be prepared to swing from two hours of elation to being utterly downcast as the visiting team marches down the field in the final minutes to defeat Michigan by three points.

Angelo’s

Michigan Hockey

This gem is the most popular place in Ann Arbor for Sunday breakfast, so popular in fact that a song was written lauding its “eggs over-easy, hash browns, and toast”. The French toast and raisin toast are the trademark specialties, though their omelets are excellent as well. On the corner of Catherine and Glen, arrive early or prepare to wait if you want a table.

If you think that the crowd in the Big House is too rowdy for your taste, never go to a Michigan hockey game. The student section in Yost arena is filled with fanatics who viciously heckle and degrade the opposing team, the opposing goalie, and the visiting parents. These rabid fans help make Yost the “toughest place to play in college hockey” with a repertoire of chants that cover everything from the goalie’s failure to stop a goal (“It’s all your fault!”) to the physical characteristics of the players’ parents (“Ugly Parents!”) to the catch-all: “You’re not a black hole, you just suck!” If Michigan football seems too tame for you, check out the hockey team, which regularly recruits players from the USA hockey team and sends graduates into the NHL. Michigan hockey has been in the NCAA tournament for 16 consecutive seasons and has finished in the top three of the CCHA for the past 16 straight years, 15 of which were second or first place finishes. While many freshmen overlook this portion of Michigan athletics, the pure adrenaline in Yost makes it an excellent pick-meup after disappointments in basketball or football.

Dorm Life

Campus Groups

Let us here at the Review be the first to welcome you here to campus. Don’t get too smashed during Welcome Week, where attendance is highly recommended, and try not to sleep through too many classes. Whatever you do, now you know how not to look like a total freshman while you do it. MR

Zingerman’s

Rivalries with MSU and OSU One is a rivalry that causes split families; one is a rivalry that causes split lips. If you are a freshman from out-of-state, you might not realize that many Michigan families have one kid at Michigan State University, while the smarter kid is at UM. Friends are also split between the two, and so a rivalry develops that decides dinner table bragging rights for the year.

OSU is another matter altogether.

To put it simply, the UM-MSU rivalry is like a rivalry that you have with your younger brother. They want to beat you so bad, but they can’t unless you let them or they get lucky. Instead, you let them get close to their goal, and then snatch the prize away at the last instant all the while wishing them better luck next time. The UM-OSU rivalry is more like the animosity that develops when a lowlife wants to steal your girlfriend. Any chance you get, you beat up on the guy to keep him as far away as you can from her.

Sometimes he beats you, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s scum. Keep that in mind at every football game and you should be fine.

While in high school you could get away with not joining any groups and still have a good network of friends, that isn’t going to fly here. The campus is so large that it is easy to get lost in the crowd. Luckily, there are frats, organizations, club sports, and research projects that will let you

Classes Signed up for a large lecture or class, and trying to decide which section to take?

First, check with ratemyprofessor.com or someone who has already taken it. If the two GSIs/professors are about the same, go with the one which lets you sleep in longer. If that still doesn’t help, go with the one whose name you can comfortably pronounce.

An 8 AM class, while possible in high school, will become unthinkable if you are living in the dorms. 9 AM, and even 10 AM, classes will also be hard to get to if your hall likes to party late into the night. When papers or projects are due, late nights will drain all of your energy and make getting to an 11:00 class on the other side of campus an Odyssey. Engineering and pre-med students: get fitted for your caffeine IV early.

Get out and meet the people in your hall. Many will become core friends who you can rely on later, meet for barbeques, or borrow expensive textbooks from. Sealing yourself away in your room will not win you any points, nor will keeping your TV off-limits when the Michigan-OSU game is on.

Parties Yes, girls; that frat boy really does want you to have another drink and hopes that your stay at Michigan is a great one. How could you think that such a sweet gesture would have any ominous tones to it?

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the michigan review Ann Arbor

Sweet Home Ann Arbor

Summer 2006

A Guide to the New Place You Call ‘Home’

By Amanda Nichols, ‘08

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elcome home! Strange to hear, huh? Ann Arbor doesn’t feel like home yet, but here is where you’ll spend at least eight of every twelve months for at least the next four years.

Perhaps it will never feel like home; after all, Markley’s cinderblock walls aren’t exactly warm and comforting. Because Ann Arbor may be relatively close to where your parents live, or from where you graduated high school, it’s easy to slip home every now and then; however, try to avoid this if possible—the sooner you settle in here, the more you can appreciate what the city has to offer (for tips on how to avoid a Monday-Thursday residence in Ann Arbor, see Mike O’Brien’s “Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or Later”). After all, there’s probably more to do here than at home anyway—in fact, on an average afternoon, there’s more going on in the Diag than on a New York City street corner.

Since this is your new hometown, you should know what to call it.

Most commonly dubbed “A2”—even the United States Postal Service recognizes this as Ann Arbor—the city also goes by Ace Deuce and the Deuce, or A^2. Don’t be surprised to hear Annarbour or Ann’s Arbor as well, but contrary to popular urban legend, the founder was not a polygamist (there were two wives named Ann, but they were married to different men).

Treetown is also a popular nickname, and in fact, the city’s natural beauty immortalized by its founders is now one of its prime attractions. On North Campus, there’s the wave field, designed by Maya Lin, architect of the national Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, DC; only a bus ride away for those on central campus and a quick walk from Bursley and Baits, this field is a place to sled in the winter. Not sure what sledding is? You’ll see soon enough.

Then there is, of course, the Nichols Arboretum, more commonly dubbed “the Arb.” Just a stone’s throw from Markley, this 123-acre plot of land borders Geddes, the Forest Hills Cemetery on Observatory, and Washington Heights. Here, you’ll find artists, writers, runners, Ultimate Frisbee players, professors and their brainiac children, and of course, the occasional bum. In an otherwise urban campus, the Arb is a refreshing and peaceful diversion; here, you can avoid one-way streets and jaywalking pedestrians, the eerie glow of your computer screen, and the otherwise unavoidable ringing of your roommate’s instant messages. The Arb is also a prime place for a cheap, yet romantic, date. Take your Friday night hook-up there to look at the

stars, and show off your hidden existen- the museums are worthwhile, and a retial depth that got you to Ann Arbor in freshing change of pace from the typithe first place. cal undergrad bar crawls from Skeeps

Looking for something that’s a to Necto and to Touchdowns. Another bit more indoors? Then trek to one of great museum that’s neither free nor onAnn Arbor’s movie palaces and theaters. campus is the Ann Arbor Hands-On MuThe Michigan Theater, built in 1928, is seum. Popular with families and college located on East Liberty at State St., and students alike, this attraction at Ann and is probably the most popular theater on Fourth Streets is a welcome respite for campus. A virtual palace for indepen- the young at heart; after all, who wouldn’t dent films and concerts, the Michigan has enjoy standing in the giant soap bubble? been restored to its original condition. When you’re studying Orgo or Calc, the Watching a film or taking in a show here Hands-On Museum and its cheery, childis a unique experience—it feels as though friendly atmosphere will look immensely you’re back in the golden age of cinema. appealing.

U of M’s cultural scene doesn’t The seats are not the epitome of comfort, and you may knock knees with those next end there, though. Just as the Michigan to you, but the lack of legroom is a sacri- Theater has been restored to its former fice one can make for a blast-from-the- glory, Hill Auditorium underwent a major past cinematic experience. renovation from 2002 to 2004. The larg Just down the street from the est performance venue at the University, Michigan Theater is the State Theater, Hill is truly a great place to see a concert. campus’s All sorts of other movie performhouse. At ers—from the junction the New of State St. York Philand East harmonic to Liberty, the the GrateState is home ful Dead to, to midnight most recentm o v i e s ly, Ludacthroughout ris—come to the semesthe auditoriter. By far, um renowned the most for its amazpopular is From up here, the hippies look like ants. ing acoustics, the Rocky so there’s a litHorror Picture Show, shown every year tle something for everyone. Many events, around Halloween… and what an experi- and specifically those through the Unience this is. If you’ve never seen the mov- versity Musical Society, offer extremely ie or the stage version, I’d recommend inexpensive student tickets, many at $10 watching it before lining the sidewalk in or less. Don’t just go to Hill for Honors your fishnets and bustier—the crowd Convocation or Commencement—these sings the songs, yells at the screens, and events don’t do the theater and its acousgabs throughout this midnight showing, tics justice. and there’s no way to understand what The Power Center, another perFrankenfurter and company are saying formance venue on the edge of Central as they prance around half-naked. A cult Campus, will be the center of much acclassic film of our parents’ generation, tivity this fall when Britain’s Royal Shakeattending this show is an indescribable speare Company returns to campus for a experience and a must-do while in A2. three-week residency. The cast includes Wearing a costume earns you extra props Patrick Stewart, everyone’s favorite Trekfrom the crowd, and the more ridiculous kie (or perhaps second-favorite, after Wilyou look, the more you’ll fit in. liam Shatner), and promises to be a com Looking for something a bit pletely unique experience—in fact, U of more cultured than Rocky Horror? Ven- M is the sole venue for the RSC’s recently ture to one of the many museums on announced “Complete Works Festival.” campus. Again, this is a good date— If you can get your hands on tickets, abyou’ll look cultured, and admission for solutely go—this is a must-do while at the students is free. The U of M Museum “U,” and the opportunity may never again of Art and the Ruthven Exhibit Museum arise. of Natural History are the easy choices, A much more low-key and rebut don’t forget about the Gordon H. laxed set of concert venues lies around Sindecuse Museum of Dentistry; doesn’t Main Street. The Ark, located at Main that just scream hot date? Really, though, near Liberty, is a popular folk venue that

features about 300 concerts yearly. While The Ark is popular with an older, bluesy set, the Blind Pig is where the young, local bands most often make their debut. Tally Hall, an Ann Arbor group recently featured on The OC, often plays at the Blind Pig. Although it’s a hike from campus— the theater’s beyond Main St., on First—a trip to the Blind Pig and its neighbor the Cavern Club is worth the walk, if only to get away from campus and into the city for a little while.

Not into the music or artsy scene? Well, this Big 10 bastion of athletics has one of the premier fan venues in the nation: Yost Ice Arena. Named for Fielding Yost, a legendary football coach and athletic director, “the barn,” as it is affectionately called, is home to U of M’s ice hockey teams. Fans at Yost are legendary for their raucous and borderline crude behavior, most famously seen in the “CYA” chant (consisting of the vulgarities the Athletic Department allowed the fans to scream at opposing players entering the penalty box). Being at Yost is an entirely unique experience—neither attending an NHL game nor any other Michigan sporting event, including football, rivals being in Yost. The hockey band’s energy matches the crowd’s enthusiasm, and look for the director to disco dance on command. Although the Big House is legendary, Yost is the true mustattend while at U of M—you’ll never be anywhere like it again.

There is one other must-do while at the “U”—tea at the Martha Cook Building. Dubbed “the virgin vault,” Martha Cook is the all-female residence hall next to the Law Quad. The building is beautiful, inside and out, and on Friday afternoons, they host weekly tea. Once a year the building is open to the public, but cozy up to a Cookie, as the residents call themselves, and get in on another Friday—the public tea is a zoo. From personal experience, I’d recommend going just before Winter Break—then, the food is the best, and you can sit in the ornately-furnished rooms while munching on fondue, fresh fruit, brie, and tea. This is definitely an experience your friends at State, Central, and Western won’t have, and you’ll get to experience the best of Martha Cook without actually having to reside there.

So take advantage of these things while you’re here at Michigan— you won’t be able to experience it anywhere else, and you won’t regret it. Besides, there will still be plenty of time to take advantage of what Michigan Greek Life has to offer. MR

the michigan review

Page 13

Summer 2006

A (Legal) Six Pack (of Tips) for New Students Some Advice for Our Newest Out-of-State Students

By Chris Stieber, ‘09 Admission letter? Check.

First tuition payment? Check .

Season football ticket? Check Michigan sweatshirt? Check.

Campus tour? Check.

L

et me begin by telling the story of how I came to attend dear old Michigan. You see, I began college out at Pepperdine University in sunny Malibu, CA, where I attended classes a stone’s throw away from the beach, amongst glamorous movie stars’ homes. I had a blast: small classes, fun friends, a radio show, and I worked at the 2004 Grammy awards (probably my only brush with fame). After an exhilarating freshman year, I took a semester off and worked at the national headquarters for (cue Darth Vader music) Bush-Cheney ‘04. While I was there, I started wondering if a beach college on the west coast was the ideal place for me if I wanted to get into politics. The most common response I received when I told someone where I went to college was, “Pepperdine.

Isn’t that a flavor of gum or something?” After a few of those moments, I decided to look into transferring schools. I knew, or thought I knew, I wanted a larger school with a football program and some fun places to hang out off campus. I applied to some schools, and the ultimate decision came: University of Texas at Austin or U of M. UT was the flagship public school in my home state, I had been to Austin dozens of times, I knew the weather and the culture would fit me perfectly. On the other hand, I had never been in the state of Michigan in my life, the only facts I “knew” were that Detroit was the scariest city in the world besides Mogadishu, and Michigan was the home of two of my least favorite sports teams: the Pistons and the Red Wings. Obvious choice, right?

Of course, I chose Michigan. That’s right: I matriculated to Ann Arbor without ever visiting the state of Michigan. The change from Malibu to Michigan was extreme, all my classes were 20 times larger than any class I’d taken at Pepperdine, but I’ve learned quite a bit about the Wolverine State, too. Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned. Some of them are obvious to Michiganders, but I think they’ll be of help to those naive out-of-staters as the acclimatize to campus.

1. Michigan’s weather is fickle. The first winter I was here, there was snow on the ground from the beginning of January through Easter weekend. Last winter, however, there was hardly any snow the entire semester. Don’t plan on a specific form of weather. Is there anything constant? Yes: it is really, really, really, cold.

Unless you are from a similar climate, such as Buffalo, NY or Ulan Bator, Mongolia, the coldness of winter can be shocking.

2. Michigan can be beautiful. Especially in autumn, Ann Arbor is absolutely stunning. The change of season, the explosive foliage change, all of it makes for a truly a pretty town. I know that there are quite a few students whose only experience in the state is the drive from Detroit-Wayne Airport to campus. They’re missing out. There are millions of people enjoying the beautiful scenery, and U of M students shouldn’t be excluded. Everyone should head out with an in-state student for a weekend to see other parts of the state, especially the middle and western regions.

3. You will eventually get used to the aggravating Midwestern accent. One of the more shocking changes for me was the Michigan voice, the harshness of some of the vowels, the vague hints of a Canadian accent running through their speeches. Frankly, I found it so strange that it almost became a detractor in meeting people. I’d hear someone say something like “I yewsed to play haahkee with my dayaahd”, and it would take all the strength I had not to just walk away. The

“It’s helpful to keep in mind that what you read or hear is not all that the school has to offer, and if a few more people took this advice, we’d be better off as a school and as a community.”

strangeness of the accent fades away within a few weeks though. In fact, I’ve even seen some out-of-state people pick up bits of a Michigan accent in just a few months of exposure, dropping inanities like “Geez-o-Pete!” into their vocabulary.

4. Detroit, contrary to popular belief (including my own), is not completely bad. After several visits into the city and some of the suburbs, I found out that there are some nice neighborhoods and some places I wouldn’t mind visiting. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can go traipsing through any part of the city whenever you like.

There are still plenty of places that I wouldn’t dare tread, and for good reason. The city has violent crime, poverty, and political and bureaucratic corruption. But, really, what big city doesn’t? Don’t believe the hype in either direction: it’s not a modern day “Gangs of New York,” nor is is a misunderstood “Pleasantville.”

5. The politics of Ann Arbor are as wacky as advertised. The residents of the town are absolutely as far to the left as you can imagine. Now, some of that is due to the overpopulation of recovering Marxist professors,

but some of it is because this town seems to attract the Left. If you walk around with hammer-and-sickle symbol on your shirt, you won’t receive much reaction at all, perhaps even some smiles of support and admiration.

Wear a “God Bless America” shirt, or worse, a piece of Bush-Cheney clothing, and you’ll get glares of self-righteous indignation and disgust.

6. The politics of the student body, however, aren’t nearly as left-leaning. While there is a very vocal student activist population, there are also quite a few moderates and conservatives on campus. Take, for example, the anti-Coke hilarity last semester. A small group of students managed to push the administration into temporarily canceling the university contract with Coca-Cola. They bragged of the “progressiveness” of the campus for taking such sanctions against perceived injustices, but they were wrong. Nearly everyone I talked with about the ban felt resentful of their drinking rights being taken away. The engineering school, the business school, the economics department—there are plenty of places where conservatives lurk and spend their years in relative silence, letting their left-wing peers do all the whining. There is also the problem of “liberal sanctuary”, where liberal kids from “red-state” areas flee to Ann Arbor for safety. I’ve met quite a few kids from places like Birmingham, AL, Colorado Springs, and Salt Lake City who came to U of M because they “just weren’t understood” by the conservative rubes in their hometown. They artificially inflate the liberal quotient of the student body as well. Michigan is a battleground state, and the campus population reflects it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

These are just a selection of the lessons I’ve learned in the short few years I’ve been here. I didn’t touch on the Michigan football fans (some of the whiniest in the country, I believe), or the cool culture (every cool lowbudget film comes through town), or the glory that is Backroom Pizza (corner of South U and Church, open until 3 a.m.). Discovering these things, though, is half the fun of college. In the following months, when the campus is abuzz with MCRI and affirmative action debate and the Congressional races, it’s helpful to keep in mind that what you read or hear is not all that the school has to offer, and if a few more people took this advice, we’d be better off as a school and as a community.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: 7. The Ohio State University and it’s corruption-addled Prison Gang, err, I mean, football team are as despicable as you can imagine. Go Blue! MR

the michigan review

Page 14

Summer 2006

The Little Things

Facebook Etiquette

By Karen Boore, ‘09

F

acebook is a great way to stay in touch with old friends as well as scope out new classmates.

Yet, as with any social interaction, there are some rules of etiquette to keep in mind if you want your Facebook experience to go smoothly. These guidelines are borne out of common sense, and will avoid sending the wrong message to those who look you up.

DO put a picture up. If no one put up a picture, Facebook would not exist. If someone is somewhat uncertain of your name, a picture will clear all doubt.

However, selectivity is key. Your picture should accurately represent you, with no pictures Photoshopped into deceiving attractiveness. Avoid having multiple people in your picture; if friends are in your picture, you shouldn’t be the one on the outskirts—at least center yourself. Besides, everyone will know that if there are two really hot people and one not-so-hot person, the not-so-hot person is you. You’re fooling no one.

DON’T use any pictures that too accurately represent you and can prematurely compromise your reputation. Remember, your picture is visible to the whole Michigan network. It is not difficult for DPS, alumni, and potential employers to see your Facebook profile. You would not want to draw negative attention by posting compromising pictures on Facebook. Fur-

thermore, pictures of your wild Thursday night parties will not boost your coolness factor. Unless the pictures are still hilarious in the sober state, use better judgment and keep them on your digital camera.

DO post the appropriate pictures in your photo album of the fun times you are having at U of M. Friends enjoy taking a stroll down memory lane, and people who do not have the social life that you have enjoy living vicariously through your’s. However, DON’T post every single picture that you take. No one needs to see the picture where you blinked and its twin where you didn’t blink, but your friend did. Further, we simply do not have enough time to look through all of them before class; so again, be selective.

DO join groups that reflect your interests.

From TV shows you love to the beverages you drink, there really is no limit to the types of groups you can join. If you have an interest that has not sparked the creation of a group yet, create a group. However, be careful. Don’t start a group for just any interest you have. If you create or join a new group and later find that only one other person is in it with you, you must abandon ship even if you did create it. Also, DON’T join just any group that you have ever shared an interest with. We’re never going to know who you really are—especially since we barely know you in reality—if

your group membership is all over the place.

DO leave posts on others’ walls. Writing them is fun and getting them is a treat. However, DON’T participate in wall chain letters. No one liked them when they were in e-mail form, and no one likes them now.

Second, DO feel free to leave intriguing posts like “I had a great time last night” to let others know that you and the recipient of the message are tight—the more mysterious, the better. Thirdly, leave the class assignments and meeting times for messages. You do not want to taint the wall with stressful schoolwork. Finally, DO respond promptly to all messages. Everyone knows you check Facebook about as often as you do your Umich email account (maybe more), so respond to the message already.

Poking still remains an awkward practice.

Among sets of friends, proper poking behavior can be determined, but no rules govern poking strangers. One should poke if interested, but if poked, reciprocation is unnecessary. Repeated poking is just as obnoxious as physically doing so in real life, so please refrain.

By following these simple rules you can dominate Facebook. However, it is important to note that while Facebook offers yet another way to meet and get to know people, it cannot measure up to real live social interaction. MR

‘Welcome’ to Michigan

There’s More Than the Cliche to Your First Weekend at School

By Danielle Putnam, ‘08

Y

OU GRADUATED HIGH school this past spring, you enrolled at the University of Michigan shortly after you received your acceptance letter, and you’ve just recently moved into the room that will become your home for the next year. Now, college really begins. You’ve heard about it and waited all summer for this event known as Welcome Weekend. It will be your first experience as a real college student. No parents. No classes—just yet. Frat parties. Drinking.

Dancing. That’s what it’s all about, right?

Not necessarily.

Contrary to popular belief, there is much more to your first weekend at the University other than ensuring you make an appearance at the best fraternity party on campus. Although spending two hours getting gussied up, finding a group of at least six wing men, spending another half hour looking for the party, finally arriving, being served the best watered down beer there is to offer, and shoved into a room full of sweaty, smelly people does sound rather inviting, take a minute to ponder what else this beautiful, cultured campus and city has to offer.

But please, if you do plan on attending the all-too-monotonous fraternity party, have no more than three others in your group to avoid the “Freshmen!” shout and pointing from various upper-class-

men as you walk down the street. portunity to get to know more people in

So what is there to do dur- a healthy, non-drunken state. In other ing Welcome Weekend? For starters, words, listen to your RA when he or she there’s the roommate. Often times you advises you to leave your door open or won’t have spoken much before moving to wander into someone else’s room just in, other than callto say hi–chances ing or emailing each are they want other about who is to do the same bringing what items thing. Networkfor the room. This ing is an integral is your first opporpart of the coltunity for making a lege experience, new friend and exand what better panding your horitime to start than zons. Although you Welcome Weekmay not have a lot end before classes in common—maybe kick into high she plans on going gear? to the library every

Speaking weekend and you, of which, we all well, don’t—it is not know that college the end of the world, is the ultimate and definitely do not lifestyle minus let it be. You are gothose pesky classing to be seeing this es.

However, person every day we’re all here to for the next eight get a better eduDon’t let this be you during months. If anything, cation, which does welcome week. friendlier is better. actually involve goYou never know-this person could be ing to class. And what goes along with your new best friend. classes, but books? There are many op Not only do you now have to tions for buying books: Shaman Drum, share a room with someone else, you Michigan Book and Supply, the Michigan must also share your common rooms Union Bookstore, Ulrich’s, online, or with your hall-mates. This is another op- through friends. Make sure you know

exactly what you’re looking for and don’t be afraid to ask someone for help. The sales staffs are friendly and are ready and willing to help. And remember, bring a big enough bag to cart the several hundred pounds of books you bought back to your dorm room.

Another bit of information: part of Welcome Weekend involves the Big House. For many students, the first football game is the official kickoff for the school year. However, freshmen are often lost as far as traditions and attire go. So in order to fit in at the Big House, make sure you wear the right outfit—as much blue and maize as you own. And don’t forget to snatch one of those yellow pom pons on your way in. Also, make sure you grab some sort of keys and wear a hat for the crowd cheers and traditions.

All in all, there is a lot more to Welcome Weekend other than partying.

By all means, don’t spend the weekend at the Grad or the Ugli to get a head start on studying. Please, don’t get caught in the freshmen trap of limiting yourself to certain aspects of this campus. Take it all in and use it all to your advantage- that’s what it’s here for. Your four years will be up soon enough, so make sure you enjoy them, and remember what you did your first weekend at the University of Michigan. MR

Page 15

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