Military Press, Zone 2, Jan. 1, 2014

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POLITICAL PARTIES! — George Washington

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January 2, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 1

RE P

DEM

Come On Boys, We’re All In This Together When George Washington became President of the United States in 1789, there were no political parties. Political parties first emerged during Washington’s first term in office with the Alexander Hamilton’s Federalist Party in 1791 and in the following year, the formation of the Anti-Federalist Party or DemocraticRepublicans under the leadership of Thomas Jefferson. The two political parties formulated their views of how government ought to operate in the new republic.

At the end of Washington’s first term, as he was preparing to retire and go back to Mt. Vernon to just be a farmer again, the leaders of the opposing parties both wanted him to reconsider with Hamilton and Jefferson pleading with Washington to stay on for a second term. Jefferson is credited as stating: “North and South will hang together if they have you to hang on.” Washington finally consented to such sentiments and was again the obvious choice of the Electoral College as they re-elected him in February of 1793. During Washington’s second term, the divisions between the two political parties became defined. CONT., PAGES 3-4 housing

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George Washington’s advice and warning to the American people The Heritage Foundation Sober George Washington daringly made his Farewell Address an open letter of advice and warning to the American people about their long-term safety and happiness. For a great leader to voluntarily relinquish political power and retire from public life was itself unprecedented in the annals of history—an act that contributed to the establishment of republican government in America. But his words on this occasion are no less cherished for, as his biographer and Chief Justice John Marshall put it, “precepts to which the American statesman can not too frequently recur.” With the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, the Farewell Address constitutes the central statement of the American purpose.

Washington warned of the dangers facing the young republic, chiefly from internal faction and foreign dangers.

But he also hailed the greatness that could come from a unity founded on necessity and prosperity, and further graced by the character of its citizens.

The Address itself exemplified unity.

Drafted in part by James Madison and Alexander Hamilton, the two collaborators on the Federalist Papers who

The Danger of Factions

were now political rivals, the manuscript was revised by Washington and published in Philadelphia’s largest newspaper on September 19, 1796— just nine years after the signing of the Constitution.

Washington also warned of “the baneful effects of the Spirit of Party”—one of the two most famous recommendations of the Farewell Address (along with a warning about permanent alliances). By party, Washington meant factious groups that sought their own good, to the detriment of the common good and the rights of others. The proliferation of faction or party in this sense was a dominant question of his presidency. He spoke of designing men, who would divide sections of the country as a means to their own political power.

The factions of the 1790s foreshadowed those of the Civil War.

Preservation of the Union The general theme of the Farewell Address is the preservation of the Union as the core of American nationhood. Washington warned against sectionalism as the destroyer of the common interest and national character. The ties of the Union and the Constitution that made the various parts one must be cherished as sacred. “The name of American, which belongs to you, in your national capacity must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation derived from local discriminations.”

Religion and Morality

In a self-governing nation, a unifying public opinion requires the PARTIES, cont’d. on Page 4

entertainment

The Military Press January 1, 2013 Publisher Richard T. Matz

Production / Web Sandra Powers • Joe Yang

Customer Service Manager Carol Williams

Distribution Robert Wood

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Contributing Writers Doug Aguillard Crystal Arriaga Mort Fretel • Art Garcia Howard Hian • Keith Angelin Jeri Jacquin, The Movie Maven Jessamyn Patterson

Account Representatives: Michelle Hull Victoria Wills Public Relations Lisa Matz

Contact Us: 9715 Carroll Centre Road, Suite #104 San Diego, CA 92126 • Tel 858.537.2280 www.militarypress.com editorsdesk@militarypress.com The Military Press Newsmagazine is published semi-monthly on the 1st and the 15th by Military Press Newspaper, a commercial, free-enterprise newspaper. It does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Department of the Navy and is no way associated with the Department of the Navy. The editorial objective of the Military Press is to promote support for a strong military presence. The opinions and views of the writers whose materials appear herein are those of the writers and not the publisher. Appearance of advertising does not constitute endorsement by the Military Press Newspaper. Consumers should make informed decisions when purchasing products and services, and when considering business opportunities, and research before investing. Subscription by mail is $50 per year to CONUS or FPO addresses.

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PARTIES

Cont’d. from Page 3 enlightenment of formal institutions of education and of civic education.

The “great Pillars of human happiness” and the “firmest props of the duties of Men and citizens,” he emphasized, were religion and morality. “Of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, Religion and morality are indispensable supports.”

America’s Role in the World

The foreign policy of the new nation requires both principles and prudence, given its circumstances. The United States should “observe good faith and justice towards all Nations.”

In the future, he asks Americans to keep in mind that “it will be worthy of a free, enlightened, and at no distant period, a great Nation, to give to mankind the magnanimous and too novel example of a People always guided by an exalted justice and benevolence.”

America’s place in the world will elevate and distinguish its national character.

Washington recommended as the great rule of conduct that the United States primarily pursue commercial relations with other nations and have with them “as little political connection as possible,” consistent with its treaty obligations. Washington did not call for America to withdraw from the world: he warned of political connections and permanent alliances. In a world convulsed by the French Revolution, he advised that the young republic “steer clear of permanent Alliances

with any portion of the foreign world.”

America should be clear-headed about its own capacities under changing circumstances while keeping itself in mind as an example to the world.

Washington recommended that the nation pursue a long-term course of placing itself in a position to defy external threats, defend its own neutrality, and, eventually, choose peace or war as its own “interest, guided by justice, shall Counsel.”

The Eradication of Freedom

Washington argued that political parties needed to be restrained in a free country with a government empowered by the consent of the governed and established through popular elections. He warned of the possibility fearing they could distract the government from its required duty to the people and even lead to the eradication of the freedoms established by the founding.

Unfortunately, it is way too late to restrain the hunger for power in today’s political parties; it has been enculturated.

America is at the mercy of two powerful political parties. If a strong candidate wants to get elected to office in this country, one usually needs some affiliation to the major parties.

We see from history that third party forays are limited in strength and often serve only to undermine one or another of the major parties in the capacity of a “spoiler.”

If Washington could see America now, probably the only thing that he could say after getting over the shock, would be: “I told you so!”

What’s next “Obama Tooths?”

4 January 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS

surance do they have? I doubt they’re

By Richard Matz Why should Pres. Obama worry on Obamacare and even if they are, about healthcare? He just signed up I’m sure they have enough money to for the healthcare system that he im- provide better health care, better posed upon all Americans, legal or doctors and hospitals for themselves. illegal!

Oh yeah... I forgot… Pres. Obamacare was, is and will be a misObama’s signing up was just symboli- take that all Americans will have to cal as he has a much better health plan bear the brunt of when Pres. Obama provided for by the VA. But what about orders a bail-out for any of the bankhis wife and children? What type of in- rupted parties.. www.MilitaryPress.com • editorsdesk@militarypress.com

Making your apology count The problem pretty severe) and with the way most he’s in jeopardy of people say ‘I’m losing his family.

Marriage sorry’ is that they But, unlike most say it too soon. In people, he’s willother words, they ing to take a brutal with Mort Fertel apologize before look at himself and they could postry to fix what’s sibly understand broken. what they’re apologizing for.

One of the first things we did was Example: Husband offends wife. identify his mistakes. His assignment Wife gets angry. Husband realizes that was to write a letter of apology to his he’s in the dog house. Husband knows wife. It took a couple of drafts before WHAT HE DID but has no clue WHY he understood what I meant by apology it upset his wife. Husband says, ‘I’m (see above), but he nailed it as well as sorry.’ Husband just blew it again! anyone I’ve ever coached.

A true apology is not for what YOU did. It’s for the pain you caused YOUR Writing your apology letter SPOUSE. And you can only apoloIdentify one mistake you’ve made gize for that after you get inside your and write a letter of apology to your spouse’s heart and feel their hurt. spouse. Of course, you’ll need to deSometimes ‘I’m sorry’ is NOT an scribe your mistake. But more imporapology; it’s a request to move on. In tantly, I want you to describe your other words, if you don’t know your SPOUSE’S FEELINGS. Describe spouse’s pain, then ‘I’m sorry’ is re- THEIR experience of your mistake. ally just a selfish request for relief of If your spouse knows that you felt YOUR pain (the pain of being in the their pain, then they’ll know that you dog house).

It’s easy to know what you did. The won’t do it again. That’s when they’ll question is: How did it make your accept ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you can spouse feel? WHY did it upset them? move on.

Fitness

FOCUS ON.. THE FEELING THERMOMETER

A great tool for communicating feelings

By Shannon Morell The Feeling Thermometer is one of my favorite tools that we use at FOCUS. It helps kids and parents express how they feel. It also assists family members in understanding that each person in the family may have different responses to the same event. Most importantly, the Feeling Thermometer provides a common language for families to identify and share feelings.

The thermometer has 4 color zones:

on the Feeling Thermometer, he was able share that he was in the “yellow” because his little brother kept him up all night and he was tired. Teachers have requested that we teach the Feeling Thermometer at the beginning of the school year to help students adjust to a new setting. They like that their students, after learning to use the Feeling Thermometer, can talk about their conflicts without shouting or hitting.

FOCUS (Families OverComing Under Stress) is a resiliency-building program of the Navy Bureau of Medicine and Surgery (BUMED). FOCUS is an eight-session training program for military families that is grounded in more than two decades of research and experience serving families dealing with stress and changes. FOCUS is specifically adapted for the needs of military couples, children and families and provides training in core resilience skills.

These skills increase closeness, support, communication, and adaptability.

Couples and families learn to work together to manage difficult emotions, set goals and problem solve, communicate clearly and effectively, and develop customized strategies to deal with ongoing stress and change.

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The green zone is an area of comfortable feelings, such as happy, excited, or perhaps silly. Kids sometimes share that playing outside, or having a family movie night, is the type of activity that helps them feel “in the green.”

The yellow zone represents feelings that are just a little uncomfortable, such as a little sad or a bit worried.

The orange zone describes more uncomfortable feelings, such as mad, sad, or nervous.

The red zone is used to describe more intense feelings like fear, anger, or extreme sadness.

At FOCUS, we teach children and adults to use this tool to talk about their feelings, things that make them feel uncomfortable, and ways they can get back to the green zone.

I am always impressed at how easy it is for children to share and express their feelings with the Feeling Thermometer. While teaching the thermometer to a kindergarten class, one of the children expressed being in the “orange” due to his dad’s deployment to Afghanistan. Another student came to a FOCUS group and was inattentive and having trouble participating. Once we went through the different colors For advertising information, call (858) 537-2280 • advertising@militarypress.com

When you know the answers to these questions, then, and only then, are you ready to apologize.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been coaching a gentleman who’s in the midst of a marriage crisis. He made a lot of mistakes in his marriage (some

Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships and has an international reputation for saving marriages. In addition to working with couples, he teaches individuals how to single-handedly transform their marital situation.

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Start today: www.marriage-fitness.com January 2, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 5

George W. Bush (Born July 6, 1946)) 43rd President of the United States

“Whether we bring our enemies to justice or bring justice to our enemies, justice will be done.”

2007 Chevrolet Corvette Z06

— George Bush

Dick Cheney (Born January 30, 1941) 46th Vice President of the United States

World events

• Severe drought in Australia causes wheat crop to fail and prices to increase around the world • Aekka-Eric Auvinen, a student at Jokela Secondary School, goes on a shooting rampage, killing 10, including taking his own life.

• Cyclone Sidr with winds reaching 160mph strikes coastal areas of Bangladesh claiming the lives of between 4,000 and 5,000 • An earthquake measuring 8.0 strikes the central coastal area of Peru leaving 500 dead • The world’s largest ship, the “Liberty of the Seas,” a passenger cruise ship, goes into service • Rebels from Darfur, Sudan continue campaign of attacking and murder on refugee camps in Chad and elsewhere

• New 7 Wonders Foundation announce the new Seven Wonders of the Modern World

U.S. news

• One of the deadliest tornadoes in Kansas history destroys the town of Greensburg a it takes the brunt of the 200 mph winds • One of the largest and deadliest forest in U.S. history rages in Southern California fanned by the Santa Ana winds destroying 400,000 acres and 2,000 homes • A student on Virginia Tech Campus goes on a killing spree leaving over 30 students dead • The bridge over the Mississippi Rover collapses with cars dropping 50 feet into the river • Six miners are trapped and lost in a collapsed mine in Utah and three rescue workers are also lost in the

tragedy • The Mitchell Report is published which shows the use of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones is widespread in Major League Baseball

Technology

• Apple introduces the iPhone • Apple introduces the new iTouch with built-in WiFi and touch screen

Sports

• Superbowl: Indianapolis over Chicago • NBA: San Antonio Spurs over Cleveland Cavaliers

Popular culture

The final Harry Potter book is published, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows • Fisher-Price recalls over 1 million Chinee-made toys

’07s Concept Ca

A concept car is made to showcase new as a marketing tool to draw publicity. H they don’t make the cut? You might many concept cars are crushed stringent governm

2007 Suzuki Kizashi Concept 2007 Lincoln MKR Concept 6 January 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS

2007 KTM

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remember when...

7 0 20 AVERAGE COST OF LIVING

Popular film

• Spider Man 3 • Shrek The III • Transformers • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End • The Bourne Ultimatum • 300 • Ratatouille • I Am Legend • Live Free or Die Hard • Evan Almighty

Popular music

• Irreplaceable, Beyonce • Umbrella, Rihanna • The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefani • Big Girls Don’t Cry, Fergie

GONE IN 2007: Above right: Anna Nicole-Smith.

Above left: Kurt Vonnegut, Yvonne DeCarlo, Jane Wyman, Lady Bird Johnson.

• Buy U a Drank, T-Pain • Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood • Hey There Delilah, Plain White T’s

• Income per year $50,823 • Minimum wage $5.15 • New house $300,000 • New car $28,000 • Gallon of gas $3.00 • Lb. of bacon $3.60 • Dozen eggs $3.46 • Gallon of milk $3.50 • First-class stamp 41¢ • Movie ticket $7.00

Popular TV

• CSI • Grey’s Anatomy • Survivor: China • Sunday Night Football • Without A Trace • Amazing Race

ars of the Future

w technology. They’re also very effective However, what happens to them when be surprised that very few are kept, d because they do not meet the ment standards.

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2007 Ferrari Dino Concept January 2, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 7

Free Korean War history book

Mens cap to become niversal for all Marines

In the latest move toward a universal cap, the Marine Corps has authorized female Marines to wear the current male dress and service caps. Though females may wear the male caps now, they are not required to own them until May 1, 2017. Marine Corps Systems Command is currently working to improve the quality, fit and comfort of the existing male frame cap, to allow for it to be the universal cap. The universal cap is projected to be issued to recruits and available at military clothing sales starting May 1, 2015.

COLA cut creates outrage

On Wednesday, the Senate passed the Bipartisan Budget Act of 2013 (BBA) by a vote of 64-36. The two year budget deal includes a provision that reduces working age retirees’ annual cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) by one percent until they reach the age of 62 — and fails to grandfather existing retirees and currently serving members who plan to serve a 20-plus year career. Because of the fast-track nature of the bill, many members of Congress were caught off-guard by the overall financial impact retirees would face.

Read the rest of the article at www. moaa.org/MRBudgetDealCOLA/.

VA makes progress on claims backlog

A senior Veterans Affairs Department official recently outlined progress made by the Veterans Benefits Administration in reducing the backlog of veterans’ disability compensation and pension claims by 36 percent since March, attributing the success to the combined impact of transformation initiatives and increased employee productivity. Allison A. Hickey, the undersecretary of veterans affairs for benefits, detailed the elements of the Veterans Benefits Administration’s, or VBA, transformation plan in testimony at a recent hearing of the Senate Veterans Affairs Committee.

entertainment

To commemorate the 60th Anniversary of the Korean War, the Wisconsin Departments of Military Affairs and Veterans Affairs are partnering to distribute a special book to honor those veterans who served in that conflict. “Korea Reborn: A Grateful Nation Honors War Veterans for 60 Years of Growth” is available for free to Korean War Veterans or family members as a gift of gratitude from the Korean government. Request your copy of the book on the Wisconsin Department of Veterans Affairs website at http://dma. wi.gov/dma/dma/bookRequest.asp or call 608-242-3239. The book is available one per veteran or family. Due to high demand, the book is backordered. So, please be patient.

For questions, please contact Lori Getter for more information or special instructions, email lori.getter@wisconsin.gov.

Drug testing expanded

The Department of Defense (DoD) has expanded its zero tolerance for the use of illicit drugs to include synthetic marijuana, also known as “spice.” The military also randomly tests all servicemembers for marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines, codeine and morphine, oxycodone, oxymorphone, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, Vicodin, and different diazepines, such as Valium and Xanax. Any servicemember who tests positive for either an illicit drug or misuse of a prescription drug falls under any actions deemed appropriate under the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

ID dards for same sex dependents

All eligible servicemembers, dependents and retirees — including same-sex couples — are now able to obtain Defense Department identification cards in every state. On Oct. 31, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel called on the chief of the National Guard Bureau to work with the adjutants general of several states to fully implement Defense Department policy by providing DOD ID cards to all eligible military spouses, regardless of sexual orientation.

For more on military benefits, visit www.military.com/benefits.

The positive effect of U.S. veteran entrepreneurs

By Mark Baird Over 2.4 million U.S. businesses are owned by former U.S. military.

This accounts for one out of every ten U.S. businesses. Every year these businesses generate over a trillion dollars in sales. And they employ nearly 6,000,000 people.

These numbers are impressive, so are the men and women they represent. I have worked with veteran owned businesses for years. They are extraordinary in a variety of ways, and it seems that most share a common passion: to employ other U.S. veterans. It is their way of continuing to belong to their military brothers and sisters. And just as it was their sworn duty to support and defend each other in the Armed Services, they take pride and satisfaction in continuing to do so.

Here’s one veteran entrepreneur’s story:

8 January 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS

called “e-waste.” Anything that has a battery or a plug fits this category, such as computers and cell phones.

Currently the world is producing one thousand billion pounds of e-waste each year. But by this decade’s end the yearly weight of disposed e-waste will increase 500 times!

Where others might see an insurmountable problem, this USMC veteran sees monumental opportunity.

He and Mr. Neal have purchased their own e-waste business to serve their area, and they have put together a network of other fully certified and licensed e-waste companies around the world so that they can collect and recycle e-waste anywhere on earth.

The vision of Veterans Green Projects is to create “foot prints” of their company across America and around the world and to employ U.S. veterans to lead these operations. They have just added a Logistics manager, and by partnering with another veteranowned business, they have added a sales team.

Michael Malott supports a veteran charity founded in San Diego, Patriotic Hearts. It provides critical free services to U.S. veterans and their families. Veterans Green Projects is so committed to supporting U.S. veterans that they donate 100% of their net profits to this non-profit! Veterans Green Projects, as they say in the military, don’t just “talk the talk,” they “walk the walk!”

Michael Malott (USMC ’88-‘92) is the creator of Veterans Green Projects. This enterprise is great example of a U.S. veteran dedicated to building a business that has a positive impact, while providing jobs to other veterans across America.

Michael owns Semper Pacific Wealth Strategies in San Diego, a financial investment firm. While researching sound investments Michael learned through a friend, Antonio Neal, about the worldwide tsunami www.MilitaryPress.com • editorsdesk@militarypress.com

A Sailor’s dying wish After signing my pop, EM2 Bud Cloud (circa Pearl Harbor) up for hospice care, the consolation prize I’d given him (for agreeing it was OK to die) was a trip to “visit the Navy in San Diego.”

I emailed my friend and former Marine sergeant, Mrs. Mandy McCammon, who’s currently serving as a Navy Public Affairs Officer, at midnight on 28 May. I asked Mandy if she had enough pull on any of the bases in San Diego to get me access for the day so I could give Bud, who served on USS Dewey (DD-349), a windshield tour.

The next day she sent me an email from the currentUSS Dewey (DDG 105)’s XO, CDR Mikael Rockstad, inviting us down to the ship two days later.

We linked up with Mandy outside Naval Base San Diego and carpooled to the pier where we were greeted by CMDCM Joe Grgetich and a squadsized group of Sailors.

Bud started to cry before the doors of the van opened. He’d been oohing and pointing as we approached the pier, but when we slowed down and Mandy said, “They’re all here for you, Bud,” he was overwhelmed.

After we were all out of the van directly in front of the Dewey, shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, Petty Officer Simon introduced himself and said as the ship’s Sailor of the Year he had the honor of pushing Bud’s wheelchair for the day. Unbeknownst to us, they’d decided to host Bud aboard the Dewey, not at the Dewey.

And so they carried him aboard.

None of us expected him to go aboard the ship. I’d told him we were going down to the base and would have the chance to meet and greet a few of the Sailors from the new Dewey. He was ecstatic.

The day before, he asked every few hours if we were “still going down to visit the boys from the Dewey,” and “Do they know I was on the Dewey, too?”

Once aboard, we were greeted by the CO, CDR Jake Douglas, the XO and a reinforced platoon-sized group of Sailors.

To say it was overwhelming is an understatement. These men and women waited in line to introduce themselves to Bud. They shook his hand, asked for photos with him, and swapped stories.

It was simply amazing. They didn’t just talk to him, they listened.

Bud’s voice was little more than a weak whisper at this point and he’d tell a story and then GMC Eisman would repeat it so all of the Sailors on deck could hear.

In the midst of the conversations, Petty Officer Flores broke contact with the group. Bud was telling a story when Flores walked back into view

Bud being piped ashore by the command and crew of the USS Dewey.

holding a huge photo of the original USS Dewey. That moment was priceless. Bud stopped mid-sentence and yelled, “There she is!”

They patiently stood there holding the photo while he told them about her armament, described the way it listed after it was hit, and shared other details about the attacks on Pearl Harbor.

Bud finally admitted how tired he was after more than an hour on deck.

While they were finishing up goodbyes and taking last minute photographs, GMC Eisman asked if it’d be OK to bring Sailors up to visit Bud in a few months after a Chief’s board. I hadn’t said it yet because I didn’t want it to dampen the spirit of the day, but I quietly explained to GMC Eisman the reason we’d asked for the visit was simple: Bud was dying.

I told him they were welcome to come up any time they wanted, but I suspected Bud had about a month left to live. Almost without hesitation, he

asked if the crew could provide the burial honors when the time came. I assured him that’d be an honor we’d welcome.

Leaving the ship was possibly more emotional than boarding.

They piped him ashore. CMDCM Grgetich leaned in and quietly told me how significant that honor was and who it’s usually reserved for as we headed towards the gangplank.

Hearing “Electrician’s Mate Second Class William Bud Cloud, Pearl Harbor Survivor, departing” announced over the 1MC was surreal.

Later that night Bud sat in his recliner, hands full of ship’s coins and declared, “I don’t care what you do with my power tools; you better promise you’ll bury me with these.”

He died 13 days later. For 12 of those 13 days he talked about the Dewey, her Sailors and his visit to San Diego. Everyone who came to the house had to hear the story, see the photos, hold the coins, read the plaques.

True to his word, GMC Eisman arranged the details for a full honors burial. The ceremony was simple yet magnificent.

And a perfect send off for an ornery old guy who never, ever stopped being proud to be a Sailor. After the funeral, the Sailors came back to the house for the reception and spent an hour with the family. This may seem like a small detail, but it’s another example of them going above and beyond the call of duty, and it meant more to the family than I can explain.

There are more photos, and I’m sure I missed a detail, or a name. What I didn’t miss and will never forget, is how unbelievable the men and women of the USS Dewey were. They opened their ship and their hearts and quite literally made a dream come true for a dying Sailor.

They provided the backdrop for “This is the best day of my life, daughter. I never in my whole life dreamed I’d step foot on the Dewey again or shake the hand of a real life Sailor.”

Without question, it’s the best example of Semper Fidelis I’ve ever seen.

“We can’t all be heroes, some of us have to stand on the curb and clap as they go by “ — Mark Twain

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January 2, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 9

dium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him‚ they kiss‚ then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Just for Laughs Not-so-red alert

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.

Just like at the carnival

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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, me-

ACROSS 1. Pause 5. Hearing organs 9. Historical periods 13. Dwarf buffalo 14. Clips 16. Anger 17. Territory 18. Polite 19. Part of a plant 20. Run away to wed 22. Explodes 24. Kind of bean 26. Adjust again 27. Pitiable 30. Prawn 33. Stickiness 35. Sea 37. Hasten 38. Ancient Greek marketplace 41. Chief Executive Officer 42. Heart artery 45. A passenger cart 48. Periodical 51. A long tapering flag 52. Yellowish-brown 54. Any day now 55. Imagines 59. Lively 62. Wreckage 63. Located 65. Computer symbol 66. Doing nothing 67. Sexually aroused 68. What a person is called 69. Clairvoyant 70. Memo

Confessions of a contractor

An Amishman had stolen some lumber, and soon got to feeling very guilty about it. He was too embarrassed to go to his Amish bishop. Thus he decided to go to confession at a Catholic church to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had s “I stole some lumber, Father,” replied the penitent.

“How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest.

“Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse.”

The priest replied, “Well, that’s not so bad.”

The penitent interrupted him. “Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage.”

The priest then responded, “Now that’s a little more serious!”

The penitent again interrupted the

71. Delight DOWN 1. Welt 2. A Freudian stage 3. Outer region of the atmosphere 4. Pollywog 5. And so forth 6. Dry 7. Stream 8. Hits 9. Fickle 10. Violent disturbance

10 January 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS

11. Found in some lotions 12. Collections 15. Make a splashing sound 21. Visual organs 23. Roman emperor 25. Largest continent 27. Laugh 28. “Bye” 29. Soak 31. Robotic 32. Song of praise 34. Neither ___ 36. Nothing (British) 39. Tear

priest, “Father, I’ve got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!”

With a look of shock, the priest then responded, “Well, that is most serious.

I’m afraid that you’ll have to make a novena.”

The penitent Amishman looked perplexed and then said, “Father, I don’t know what a novena is, but if you’ve got the blueprints, I’ve got the lumber.”

Biggest chest

Q. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest breast?

A. The blonde, because she’s 18.

New twist on an old saying

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

Revenge feels so good

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit

40. Air force heroes 43. Coach 44. Goals 46. A round handle 47. Noisy breathing 49. Disconcert 50. A vast multitude 53. Backward-looking 55. Anagram of “Sire” 56. Naked 57. Wicked 58. Dispatched 60. A few 61. Leg joint 64. Coloring agent

shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, being naughty and winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”

He said‚ she said...

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

SUDOKU The rules to play Sudoku are quite simple. Fill in the blanks so that each row, each column, and each of the nine 3x3 grids contain one instance of each of the numbers 1 through 9.

This week’s solutions:

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My college doesn’t just thank me for my military service.

They give me the credit I deserve.

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Lena Atkinson ‘14

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