Volume 38 • #12 • June 15, 2014
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EVENTS Local & Military Scene
June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 1
By Joshua Cook
STOP Foreign
THEY CAN HATE US FOR FREE
Jan Helfeld, investigative journalist, asked Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) if he was against foreign aid: “No,” Graham said. “Smart foreign aid, I’m against giving money to dictators, but we must invest in the world. Africa, George Bush did a great thing by helping people avoid being decimated by AIDS and malaria. I do believe the 1% of the budget we have in foreign assistance needs to be maintained.” “But foreign aid is redistribution of wealth right?” asked Helfeld. “No, it’s not,” said Graham. “It’s helping friends and allies at the time you need friends and allies.” Reuters reported that the U.S. State Department and foreign aid budget escaped devastating cuts in a fiscal 2012 spending plan that Congress has approved, and according to the Huffington Post, the United States recently has
continued to pump around $50 billion in aid to other countries each year. Ironically, those countries who receive the most foreign aid from U.S. taxpayers are the ones who hate America the most. Here are the top recipients of U.S. foreign aid who harbors anti-American sentiments according to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center.
Egypt – $1.5 Billion Palestinians – $500 Million Jordan – $600 Million Pakistan – $1 Billion
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attitude of “America first” that keeps in mind the consequences of inappropriate foreign entanglements and the buildup of national debt.” Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) echoes Bright’s statement when recently asked if he is in favor of taxing American citizens in order to give it to foreigners. “I think there are so many problems with that. And I think a lot of Americans have a problem with that, too.” Concerned citizens continue to voice their frustration with the U.S. government funding countries with ties to radical Islam and the Muslim Brotherhood, while states in the U.S. continue to suffer economically.
Senator Graham’s Home State Suffers Economically
Foreign Aid is Redistribution of Wealth
In contrast to Graham’s statement above, South Carolina State Senator Lee Bright told theGreenvillePost.com, “Foreign aid is, in the strictest sense, a form of redistribution of wealth, since it is a transfer of wealth from one group of people to another. As such, it should only be permissible when the action is vital to our national interests. For instance, we should not be in the practice of sending American treasure abroad when the recipients are historically inclined to violent, anti-American action (i.e. the Muslim Brotherhood). There needs to be an
Recently Forbes.com called South Carolina one of the 11 ‘Death Spiral’ states. Forbes tells its readers not to invest, buy bonds, or buy real estate in South Carolina because its taxes are projected to increase in order to support all the residents that depend on the government. Forbes’ math is simple. What gets you on this “death spiral” lists is when you have more takers than makers, when you have more people dependent of the government via welfare and government jobs than private sector jobs. Liberty-minded conservatives are calling on Congress to stop funding other foreign countries with taxpayer dollars, especially when the U.S. continues to sink deeper into debt.
During the 2012 Republican primary, Ron Paul said, “Foreign aid should be the easiest thing to cut. It’s not authorized in the Constitution that we can take money from you and give it to particular countries around the world. To me, foreign aid is taking money from poor people in this country and giving it to rich people in poor countries.” Nobel Prize-winning economist Milton Friedman said that “government debt is an unpaid tax bill and must be paid by confiscating money from future workers or from private property.” America has a $17 trillion dollar deficit and Americans are disturbed by their government continuing to print money to subsidize foreign powers while stacking the financial burden onto their children and future generations. Americans are also disturbed by the Obama administration not following U.S. laws regarding foreign aid.
Last year, Congressman Jeff Duncan (R-SC) and U.S. Tim Scott (R-SC) spoke to a large crowd at a Tea party meeting in Greenville, S.C. TheGreenvillePost.com’s Joshua Cook asked both Sen. Scott and Congressman Duncan why the U.S. continues to give 50 billion taxpayer dollars in foreign aid to counties who hate us. Sen. Scott said, “Until we get to that point, myself, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and others take a strong stand on questioning what do we get on the return on investment for the money that we are giving out in this world.” Duncan agreed with Sen. Scott and elaborated further. “We must stop giving money to countries that hate us, they can hate us for free. We got to quit funding Islamic extremist and radicals…if I had my way, we would not fund the Muslim brotherhood at all” Duncan said.
Most corrupt countries receiving U.S. aid “It is time to stop those who get away with acts of corruption. The legal loopholes and lack of political will in government facilitate both domestic and cross-border corruption, and call for our intensified efforts to combat the impunity of the corrupt.” – Huguette Labelle, Chair, Transparency International
Somalia North Korea Afghanistan Sudan South Sudan Libya
Iraq Uzbekistan Turkmenistan Syria Yemen Haiti
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Liberal movie stars By Richard Matz Publisher Why are so many movie stars liberals and why do many of them support socialist agendas? I can’t figure it out. Our capitalist system has allowed movie stars to achieve their dreams here in the United States. Here and only here can they achieve those dreams and enjoy all that comes with those successes yet those very people who have profited off our capitalist system are supporting socialist politicians
and ideas. It makes no sense. Do they feel guilty that they have so much that they don’t want anyone else to live the American dream now? Socialism equals the redistribution of wealth. Here’s a creative approach to redistributing wealth as offered in a local newspaper recently. “Today on my way to lunch, I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read ‘Vote Obama, I need the money.’ I laughed. “Once inside the restaurant, my server had on an ‘Obama 12’ necktie. Again I laughed, as he had given away
his political preference also. Just imagine the coincidence. “When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief when I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need — the homeless guy outside. “The server angrily stormed from my sight. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10, and told him to thank the server inside as I had decided that a homeless person deserved the tip money more.
“The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment, I realized the homeless guy was grateful for money he did not earn. The waiter was angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient needed the money more. “I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.”
YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
Borrowing from Peter to help Peter U.S. gives billions in foreign aid to world’s richest countries, then asks to borrow it back The U.S. is providing hundreds of millions of dollars of foreign aid to some of the world’s richest countries while at the same time borrowing billions back, according to report seen by Congress. The Congressional Research Service released the report last month which shows that in 2010 the U.S. handed out a total of $1.4bn to 16 foreign countries that held at least $10bn in Treasury securities. Four countries in the world’s top 10 richest received foreign aid in 2010 with China receiving $27.2m, India $126.6m, Brazil $25m, and Russia $71.5m.
Mexico also received $316.7m and Egypt $255.7m. And yet despite the massive outgoings in foreign aid, the receiving countries hold trillions of dollars in U.S. Treasury bonds. China is the largest holder with $1.1trillion as of March 2010, according to the Treasury Department. Brazil held $193.5bn, Russia $127.8bn, India $39.8bn, Mexico $28.1bn and Egypt had $15.3bn. Foreign aid is earmarked for causes including HIV/AIDs prevention, combating weapons of mass destruction, fighting tuberculosis, and counter-terrorism efforts.
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The news has caused grave concern, with Senator Tom Coburn, R-Okla, who requested the report seen by Fox News, calling the policy “dangerous.” In a written statement Senator Coburn said: “Borrowing money from countries who receive our aid is dangerous for both the donor and recipient. “If countries can afford to buy our debt, perhaps they can afford to fund assistance programs on their own. “At the same time, when we borrow from countries we are supposedly helping to develop, we put off hard budget choices here at home. “The status quo creates co-depen-
dency and financial risk at home and abroad.” The news arrives as lawmakers in Washington battle over the conditions for increasing the nation’s ability to borrow money before defaulting on its obligations. The government reached its $14.3trillion borrowing limit last month and both parties agree that spending cuts are needed, although Republicans refuse to raise taxes that Democrats insist on. President Obama has met with both sides over the issue, but no progress has been made. The State Department did not comment.
Stunning upset
No one thought Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, could actually lose. His primary challenge in his suburban Richmond district, from a local economics professor named David Brat, was thought to be nominal. No sitting majority leader has lost a primary since the position was invented in 1899. Cantor, though unloved by many in his party and in Congress, was seen as the speaker-in-waiting whenever John Boehner decided, or was forced, to hang it up. But all those assumptions went out the window Tuesday night, when Cantor shockingly lost—and by a wide margin. With 97 percent of the vote counted, Brat had 56 percent of the vote to Cantor’s 44 percent.
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On-base fast food outlets get a reprieve from new wage rules From MilitaryTimes.com The Labor Department has pulled back — at least temporarily — from new minimum wage rules that had led several fast-food restaurants to end their contracts on military installations and prompted others to possibly follow suit. Labor officials are “reevaluating” wage determinations for fast food workers and expect to “reissue industryspecific fast food wage determinations in the near future,” according to a departmental announcement sent to interested parties and contracting offices. At issue are recently implemented Labor Department rules for fast food workers on federal contracts under the Service Contract Act that require an increase in their minimum wage, varying by region. The rules also require payment of new, additional “health and welfare” benefits at a rate of $3.81 per hour. In a request for a waiver from these new wage rules regulations, the Navy noted that in six areas in Florida, California and Virginia, the increase in the new mandated hourly wage ranges from 72 percent to 76 percent. Last year, DoL decided that fast food workers under federal contracts would be subject to these requirements, and included the codes in their wage determinations, although they had not been in the past. DoL has now removed the codes for fast food workers from these wage determinations. With those rules now removed, contracting agencies will have to submit an e98 request form to Labor officials before they set wage and benefit rates for fast food workers in federal contracts. Meanwhile, Labor officials expect to finish their reevaluation soon. In March, McDonald’s restaurants closed on three Navy bases, and Marine Corps officials have said one will close on a Marine base. Another eatery, “I Love Country,” has closed at Naval Station Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. The majority of fast food concessions on Army and Air Force bases are unaffected because they are operated directly by the Army and Air Force Exchange Service, not by contract. Russell Beland, deputy assistant secretary of the Navy for military manpower and personnel, had sent a letter to DoL April 8 asking for an exemption from the wage regulations. In that letter, Beland said Navy and Marine Corps exchange officials estimate that unless relief is granted, up to 390 fast food concession operations
would close on installations across the U.S. and its territories, with a loss of nearly 5,750 jobs, many held by military family members and veterans. Concessionaires can’t increase their prices on bases to offset increased labor costs, because under most contracts they can’t charge more than is charged by similar services within a specified radius of a military installation, according to an April 10 letter to DoL signed by Reps. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., chairman of the House Armed Services Committee’s personnel panel, John Kline, R-Minn., chairman of the House Education and the Workforce Committee, and 38 other lawmakers. The lawmakers asked DoL to exempt some military morale, welfare and recreation and exchange operations, such as fast food concessions, from the wage regulations affecting federal contractors on military bases. “Should these policy changes be fully implemented, we are concerned they will eliminate jobs, negatively impact recreational services on military bases, and limit the dining options for service men and women on military installations,” the lawmakers wrote. Navy and Marine Corps exchange officials estimate a combined loss of about $27 million a year in profits associated with food service sales alone. The companies aren’t paid by the federal government; they rely on the revenue they receive from their customers, and provide revenue payments to the exchange systems that help support MWR programs.
Covert operation of the ‘secret handshake’ captured The custom is as fleeting as it is elusive. In a matter of a split second, the entire exchange is over, and the people who witnessed the covert operation often never even knew it happened. A challenge coin, tucked in the palm of the United States president, is passed to a member of the military in a seemingly ordinary handshake. For photojournalists who cover the president, immortalizing the exchange that takes place during that ‘secret handshake’ in a still image is something of a white whale. It’s exceedingly rare that clear photos of such a delivery are captured. Yet, just two weeks ago, the feat was pulled off twice — on consecutive days. President Obama paid a three-day visit to California, and on his way out to the West Coast, he stopped in Arkansas to meet with families there whose lives were devastated by a recent outbreak of deadly tornadoes. Moments after the president touched down at Little Rock Air Force Base, veteran Associated Press photographer Susan Walsh managed to snap a photo of President Obama making the hand off to Col. Patrick Rhatigan, commander of the 19th Airlift Wing. ENTERTAINMENT
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1979 Jaguar
Jimmy Carter 39th President of the United States Served from Jan. 20, 1977 to Jan. 20, 1981
“We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.” — Jimmy Carter
Walter Mondale 42nd Vice President of the United States Served from Jan. 20, 1977 to Jan. 20, 1981
Technology
World events
• USSR invades Afghanistan • Margaret Thatcher elected Prime Minister in UK • Ayatollah Khomeini returns to Tehran after 15 years of exile and seizes power in Iran • 63 Americans taken hostage in the American Embassy in Tehran • Dictator Idi Amin is deposed in Uganda • The Sahara Desert experiences snow for 30 minutes • The first black-led government of Rhodesia in 90 years takes power and
Ayatollah Khomeini
the country’s name is changed to Zimbabwe • Pope John Paul II visits his native Poland, becoming the first Pope to visit a Communist country • President Hasan al-Bakr resigns and Vice President Saddam Hussein replaces him in Iraq • Egypt’s Anwar Sadat and Israel’s Menachem Begin sign peace treaty • 3,000 Iranian radicals, mostly students, invade the U.S. Embassy in Tehran, taking 90 Pope John Paul II hostages • China institutes the one child per family rule to control exploding population
U.S. news
• Population 225,055,487 • Life expectancy 73.9 years • Salt II arms limitation talks signed by U.S. and USSR • During the “Death to the Klan” march organized by com-
munist supporters in North Carolina, white supremacists open fire killing five marchers • Eleven fans are killed at a Who concert in Ohio • Three-Mile Island nuclear accident occurs in Pennsylvania • American Airlines flight 191 crashed and exploded in a field near O’Hare Airport in Chicago
• VisiCalc becomes the first spreadsheet program • Sony introduces the Walkman at $200 • Voyager I photo reveals Jupiter’s rings
Inventions
• Snowboard • Commercial Cellular Network
Popular culture
• YMCA sues the Village People for libel because of their song of the same name • Sid Vicious, former member of Sex Pistols, dies of a heroin overdose during
Top left: Three-Mile Island nuclear accident. Bottom left: Margaret Thatcher, British PM. Below: The Village People.
Chevy Camaro 6 June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS
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Sid V
remember when...
9 7 19 AVERAGE COST OF LIVING
Bunge jumping introduced
Vicious, Sex Pistols BORN THIS YEAR: Above right: Leroy Petry, Army Medal of Honor recipient. Above left: Cote de Pablo, actress; Mena Survari, actress; Bam Margera, skaterboarder; Natasha Lyonne, actress
his trial for murdering his girlfriend • Pink Floyd releases “The Wall,” with top selling single “Another Brick in the Wall” • Trivial Pursuit game is launched • Bungee jumping introduced
Popular films
• Superman: The Movie • Every Which Way But Loose • Rocky II • Alien • The Amityville Horror • Star Trek: The Motion Picture • Moonraker • The Muppet Movie • The Deer Hunter • Kramer vs. Kramer
• Income per year .... $17,500 • Minimum wage ........... $2.90 • New house ............ $58,100 • Monthly rent ................. $280 • New car .................... $4,100 • Gallon of gas .................. 86¢ • Dozen eggs .................... 85¢ • Gallon of milk .............. $1.89 • Loaf of bread .................. 45¢ • First-class stamp ........... 15¢ • Movie ticket ................. $2.50
Popular music
• “My Sharona,” Knack • “Bad Girls,” Donna Summer • “Le Freak,” Chic • “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy,” Rod Stewart • “Reunited,” Peaches and Herb • “I Will Survive,” Gloria Gaynor • “YMCA,” Village People • “Ring My Bell,” Anita Ward
TV shows
• The Dukes of Hazzard • The Facts of Life • Buck Rogers in the 25th Century • Knots Landing
Catherine Bach played Daisy Duke in Dukes of Hazzard
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The myth of the ‘pink cloud’
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Have you heard of the “pink cloud”? doing the It’s a term that originated in Alcohol- work, ics Anonymous. Everyone recovering Instead from addiction rides the pink cloud at you some point. Many don’t understand it. want to So now is the perfect time to learn the celebrate your truth about this thing called the pink newfound freedom by shouting out to cloud. anyone who will listen. A.A. describes Pink is not a primary color. It ap- this person as one who completes pears on only Step-One (surone national flag render) and imin all the world. mediately skips (The Turks and to Step-Twelve Chemical Caicos Islands flag (sharing the mesincludes a pink sage with others) shell.) Things aswithout doing with Keith Angelin sociated with pink any of the work MBA, CADC-II, CNDAI include: piggy in-between. You banks, pink eye, can also think of pink elephants, cotton candy, pink-o it as being naive, lazy or overconfident. communists, Pink Floyd, Barbie’s™ You might be sober, but you haven’t pink camper, pink roses and soothing identified your triggers or cravings pink stomach relief. Consequently, nor learned healthy coping skills. You pink has a hard time inspiring confi- haven’t set things right with the people dence. So when you hear mention of you wronged. You haven’t developed a the pink cloud, you might not assign new way of living. This is tough stuff much importance to it. That would be that takes time. a huge mistake. Eventually life tap-dances on your Of course we aren’t talking about head. You’re jolted back to reality by an actual pink cloud; that intensely issues — both good and bad — which beautiful mass of water vapor you see you haven’t the skills to handle. So you hanging in the sky at dusk. Rather, in lose faith in the recovery process, sink the context of recovery, the pink cloud into depression, and relapse. refers to a state of mind. Or not. With all due respect to A.A., Mention of the pink cloud is found that is a myth! The truth is, you can ride on page 113 of the Alcoholics Anony- your pink cloud for the rest of your life. mous text Twelve Steps and Twelve My miracle began October 21, 2008. Traditions, which describes the feeling Life sober has been intensely beautiyou experience when you finally admit ful ever since. Of course there are chalthat you are powerless over alcohol or lenges. But recovery teaches that you drugs and that your life has become can overcome anything so long as you unmanageable. A.A. calls this Step keep things in perspective, stop trying One, or surrender. If you don’t relate to control everything and focus on just to 12-step programs like A.A. or N.A. those things you can change by using that’s okay. Think of it as the way you the tools (i.e. Steps) you develop. Let feel after you finally hit “bottom.” me assure you, the worst day sober is Owning the fact you are powerless infinitely better than the best day high. over your behaviors marks the beginSimply work a recovery program — ning of recovery. When your ego stops rigorously, honestly, humbly — and you calling the shots, horror gives way to will find yourself riding atop your very hope. An enormous feeling of relief own pink cloud. Then, whether or not follows surrender. The bag of bricks you ever give up this intensely beautiyou’ve shouldered for so long is lifted, ful state of mind will be your choice awakening intense emotions long anes- alone. But I warn you, pink clouds, like thetized with chemicals. You enter the recovery and cotton candy, are addictmiracle phase of recovery. You’re float- ing! ing on a cloud; an intensely beautiful Keith Angelin, MBA, CADC-II, CNDAI, pink cloud. is a Master’s level, board-certified alcohol However, there is a tendency at this & drug counselor, and nationally certified point to feel so victorious that you stop intervention specialist. He can relate to the worst in addicts because he was considered hopeless myself. His 14-year battle with drugs and alcohol included multiple overdoses. His recovery compelled him to re-evaluate his life and share the miracle with others. Recently he authored the “At Home Recovery Workbook.” Learn more at www.InterventionRx.com.
Warfare
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Marine is 8th living recipient of Medal of Honor
By Richard Sisk, military.com The White House announced Monday that Marine Lance Cpl. Kyle Carpenter will become the eighth living recipient to receive the Medal of Honor, the nation’s highest award for valor. On Nov. 21, 2010, while on guard duty in the Marjah district of Afghanistan’s Helmand province, Carpenter dove on a Taliban grenade to save another Marine. His wounds were so severe that he was listed as “P-E-A” (Person Expired on Arrival) when the medical evacuation helicopter got him to the aid station. Carpenter survived even though he flat-lined in the course of one of the 30 surgeries he endured during recovery. Carpenter survived and on Monday the White House announced that he would be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama at a White House ceremony on June 19. Carpenter, 24, of Flowood, Miss., will be the eighth living recipient of the nation’s highest award for valor from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He will also be the third Marine to receive the Medal of Honor since Sept. 11, 2001.
Corps names new commandant
View your VA health record on your mobile device The VA Mobile Health Summary of Care App allows Veterans and their Caregiver to view specific parts of your VA electronic health record on your mobile device(s). This App, one of the Apps featured in the VA Mobile Health Family Caregiver Pilot, helps you and your Caregiver organize various aspects of your health care information and gain an overarching understanding of your needs and progress. With the Summary of Care App, you are able to receive and view your VA medical information – including
lab results, medications, allergies, information on past and upcoming appointments, progress notes related to clinic visits, hospital discharge notes, radiology results, and more – in one place and from the convenience of your mobile device(s). You are able to customize your Summary of Care App to see self-entered data as well as records from your health care teams about current medical diagnoses. Provider-recorded information includes clinical notes from appointments and discharge details
after hospitalization. You will also be able to view lab results and graph the data over time to monitor your progress. This App is not meant to replace communication and/or in-person appointments with your health care team. If you have non-emergency questions about the information in your Summary of Care, Secure Message your health care team or call your local VA Medical Center. For more info, visit mobilehealth. va.gov.
Marine Gen. Joseph “Fighting Joe” Dunford has been nominated as the next commandant of the Marine Corps. The Defense Department announced today that Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel had nominated Dunford, who currently commands coalition troops in Afghanistan as head of the International Security Assistance Force, to be the 36th commandant. Dunford, 58, previously served as the 32nd assistant commandant of the Marine Corps under Gen. Jim Amos from 2010 to 2012. During his 37-year Marine Corps career as an infantry officer, Dunford has spent considerable time in both post9/11 combat theaters. Dunford’s nomination must still be confirmed by the Senate during a hearing process expected to take place later this year. If he is confirmed, he will likely be installed as the next commandant this fall.
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June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 9
with their mouth closed? • Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”? • Why “abbreviated” is such a long word? • Why doctors call what they do “practice”? • Why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98? • Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons? • Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? • Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food? • Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor? • Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? • Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? • Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains? • Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Just for Laughs Drowning
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see President Obama drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Obama asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, “I want a boat.” The second boy says, “I want a truck.” The third boy says, “I want a nice tombstone.” Obama asks, “Why is that?” The boy says, “Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he’s going to kill me.”
Ever wonder…
PUZZLE PAGE
• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? • Why women can’t put on mascara
ACROSS 1. Wingless bloodsucking insects 6. Fasten 10. Small island 14. Glorify 15. Largest continent 16. Tidy 17. Fertilizer ingredient 18. Departed 19. Plate 20. Dispersed 22. Within 23. Car 24. Judge 26. Tibetan monk 30. Liveliness 31. One time around 32. Leave out 33. Holly 35. Errand runner 39. Make pure 41. Ambiguous 43. Alleviated 44. Sea eagle 46. Nights before 47. Neither ___ 49. Many millennia 50. Fender blemish 51. Walk unsteadily 54. Potato 56. Diva’s solo 57. Maternity 63. Glance over 64. Data 65. A tea-like beverage 66. After-bath powder 67. Counterfoil 68. Cambered 69. Being 70. Only 71. Low heavy horse carts
Talk nerdy to me… Knock, knock. Who’s there? To. To Who? No, To Whom.
Terrible jokes
• What do you say when you’re comforting a grammar Nazi?
DOWN 1. Ward (off) 2. 62 in Roman numerals 3. Dines 4. Beers 5. Stripes 6. Frivolity 7. Variant of an element 8. 1 less than 10 9. Complex in design 10. Disinclined 11. A river through Paris 12. Persists
10 June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS
There, Their, They’re… • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. • C, E Flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.” • What’s a physicist’s favorite food? Fission chips. • They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but your really mean your mother. • What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? • The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. • What’s another name for Santa’s elves? Subordinate Clauses. • When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?” • There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet. • A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No I’m traveling light.” • Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now. • How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. • Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
13. Community spirit 21. Student 25. Epic 26. Prospector’s find 27. Dogfish 28. A young lady 29. Number of people present 34. He fears foreigners 36. Half of ten 37. Not odd 38. A musical pause 40. False god 42. Locale 45. Relaxing
• The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. • The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
48. Negligent 51. Flavor 52. Killer whales 53. Instrument indicators 55. Wood nymph 58. Savvy about 59. German for “Mister” 60. Killer whale 61. Comply with 62. Fathers
• What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business. • You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. • There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending. • A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. • Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives. • How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet. • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. • Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle. • What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie. • My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame. • What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé. • How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes. • What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror. • Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?” • Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man! • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
SUDOKU The rules to play Sudoku are quite simple. Fill in the blanks so that each row, each column, and each of the nine 3x3 grids contain one instance of each of the numbers 1 through 9.
This week’s solutions:
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June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS 11
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1
The Department of Defense does not endorse any company, sponsor or their products or services. Always wear your seat belt and please don’t drink and drive. Nissan, the Nissan Brand Symbol, Innovation That Excites, and Nissan model names are Nissan trademarks. ©2014 Nissan North America, Inc. All rights reserved.
12 June 15, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS
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