The Military Press Newspaper, March 2020

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Volume 45 • Number 6 • March 15, 2020

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March 15, 2020

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“Corona beer offers $10 million to change the name Coronavirus to ‘literally anything else,’ and an extra $15 million to change it to BudLightvirus.”

GREAT BEER

While this title is merely some hilarious satire put forth by The Burrard Street Journal (a.k.a. the BS Journal), there are some interesting implications this Coronavirus is having on Corona beer sales in the United States amid this pandemic. Based on data collected by Google Trends, the search terms “beer virus” and “corona beer virus” peaked around January 30th and have been pretty consistent through the month of March begging the question, how many Americans actually think there is a correlation between drinking a Corona and getting the disease associated with the Coronavirus? Well, a poll taken of 737 drinking age adults conducted by public relations firm 5WPR found that a staggering 38% of those people would not buy Corona beers “under any circumstances.”

Constellation Brands, the beverage giant that brews and distributes Corona, has seen its stock take a hit recently, and although they optimistically stated that their customers “understand there is no link between the virus and our business,” the collected data tells a different story. Maybe it’s just that most people are prioritizing their shopping trips and buying those extra 400 rolls of toilet paper instead of a 12-pack of Corona. Or maybe just the thought of drinking something with the name resembling that of a dangerous disease causing agent is enough to deter people from stocking up on what was previously their go-to beer. Either way, maybe

BAD WRAP

For advertising information, call (858) 537-2280 • ads@militarypress.com

renaming the Coronavirus the ‘BudLightvirus’ could help to boost Corona sales once more, or just continue to be an appreciated lighthearted joke making its way through the internet during a hard and stressful time for us all. And on that note, I’m going to go wash my hands and have myself a beer.

March March15, 1, 2020 3

COPING WITH THIS CRISIS What to buy to prepare:

Buy your regular groceries, and maybe just buy a few extras of the shelf stable ones in case you do get sick, just so you don’t have to leave your house to get more. Buy veggies and fruits to support immune health and some extra frozen ones to have around. And get yourself some chocolate bars or some candy or your favorite treat. It’s a stressful time and it’s okay to have some comfort foods around, for mental health’s sake of course. In summation, don’t hoard up on one item like so many people are. Get yourself an assortment of items and your normal gro-

ceries while making sure to leave some for those at highest risk for

Should you be stocking

contracting a more serious illness during these times, like your elderly

up on enough toilet paper

neighbors or those with compromised immune systems.

to build a TP igloo in your living room? Probably not,

Lastly, get some entertainment for yourself during your self isolation.

unless your plan is to do

Have you been eyeing a new video game? Treat yourself. Get some new

exactly that (which is still a

books and learn something new! Catch up on movies or some tv series

bit wasteful).

that you’ve been neglecting or rewatch some of your favorites. Now is also a great time to get a head start on your spring cleaning. Inspire

Instead, make sure you

yourself with some Marie Kondo on Netflix and organize your space.

have a reliable thermom-

Make the most of this isolation and keep yourself busy.

eter. Make sure you have plenty of hand soap and no, it does not need to be “antibacterial” or “antimicrobial.” A virus is not a bateria, so antibacterial soap will not kill these

For those with pets:

viruses. Regular old hand soap gets the job done just as well as antimicrobial soaps. Get some regular bleach, which you can use to make your own disinfectant solution if the

So far there is nothing to suggest that your beloved best friends will

stores are all sold out, which many are.

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March 1, 15,2020 2020

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What to do while social distancing with kids: Have kids? Tell them you’ve hid a $100 bill somewhere in the house (but don’t).

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SERVING YOU WHEREVER YOU SERVE A change of duty station shouldn’t interrupt your studies.

University of Maryland Global Campus (UMGC) offers online and hybrid courses and more than 140 classroom and service locations around the world, including at military installations, so you can continue your education no matter where your service takes you. Our dedicated military advisors can help you navigate reassignments, education benefits and more. Study at a respected state university founded more than 70 years ago to serve military-affiliated students and working adults.

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2/14/20 11:19 AM

March March15, 1, 2020 5

George W. Bush

First International Space Station Crew

United States - Final Peanuts Comic The final new Peanuts comic strip was published during February. The first Peanuts comic strip was published on October 2, 1950 and it was initially shown in seven different newspapers. The comic was created by Charles Schulz and featured the classic character Charlie Brown. The comics became a huge hit, spawning TV shows, cartoon films, books, and merchandise, all featuring the beloved characters. The comics became a pop culture fixture and ran in the U.S. newspapers until the last Peanuts comic strip hit the presses a day after Charles Schulz’s death.

The first crew to live on the International Space Station (ISS) arrives in space during November. The mission, called Expedition 1, was the first long-term stay totaling 136 days. Three astronauts including Bill Shepherd, Yuri Gidzenko, and Sergei Krikalev made up the crew of Expedition 1, and they stayed on the ISS for several months before being replaced by the crew of Expedition 2. Since the arrival of the first crew the International Space Station has been continuously occupied by astronauts from around the world.

Worldwide - Solar Flare Event 1. A huge solar flare, known as the Bastille Day Event, occurs on July 14th.

2. It was an X5 level eruption and originated in the large sunspot group 9077 as recorded by the NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration).

3. It was the largest solar flare recorded since 1989 and it triggered an S3 radiation storm and geomagnetic superstorm.

4. The radiation began reaching Earth within 15 minutes, causing disruptions to satellites and exposing air travelers to radiation that was equal to that of a chest x-ray.

5. It also caused a coronal mass ejection which can create stronger and farther-reaching Northern Lights and Southern Lights.

United States -- Bush V. Gore 1. In December of 2000, the U.S. Supreme Court rules to end the vote recount in Florida in the Bush v. Gore case, giving the presidency to George W. Bush after a prolonged legal battle following the election.

2. The results in Florida were so close that it triggered an automatic machine count of votes under Florida law, the results tightened the race showing that less than 600 votes separated the two candidates.

6 MArch 1, 2020 6 March 15, 2020

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. . . n e h w r e b m e m Re

0 0 0 2 COST OF LIVING New house $134,150 Average Income per year $40,343 Average Monthly Rent $675 Gallon of Gas $1.26

3. Gore pursued the option to have a manual recount in 4 counties.

4. They were not able to complete the manual recount in the days required by the law which led to a legal battle between Gore and the state of Florida which eventually made it to the U.S. Supreme Court.

5. The court ruled that the methods in the recount violated the 14th amendment and also ruled to end the recount.

Popular Culture The popular show Big Brother is broadcast on German private channel RTLH and captures worldwide media interest The Latest Harry Potter Book Is Published “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” 51 million viewers watch the first season finale of the reality show “Survivor” The last of the original Mini’s rolls off the production lines

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Cast Away Mission: Impossible II Gladiator What Women Want The Perfect Storm Meet the Parents X-Men Scary Movie What Lies Beneath Gladiator Erin Brockovich Billy Elliot For advertising information, call (858) 537-2280 • advertising@militarypress.com For advertising information, call (858) 537-2280 • ads@militarypress.com

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The Better Way to a Better Window 8

March 15, 2020

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Seeing Eye Dog

Late Night Call to the Vet QUICHE

JustforLaughs

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbors’ male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

CANNOT FLY

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky you bitch.”

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky you slut.”

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please!”

This time her anger takes over and she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK” and storm away.

A fellow is walking along the street and comes up to a blind man who is standing on the corner with his seeing eye dog. As the traffic light changes, he notices that the dog has cocked his leg and is peeing on the blind man’s leg.

He walks back to the blind man and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize your dog is peeing on your leg?”

The blind man says, “Thank you sir,” and he reaches into his pocket for a treat.

The man says, “You must be one of the greatest animal lovers on the planet.

Here you are rewarding your dog, when he has done such a foul deed!”

“Rewarding him!” replies the blind man, “I’m just trying to find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass!”

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it is pronounced ....quiche.”

SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF OLD AGE Finally you can now eat dinner at 4:00 Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard...

Coyote Problem The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Colorado ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

10

March 15, 2020

It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

If you’ve never smoked, you can start now and it won’t have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

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CLASSIFIEDS They use the funds to allow flexible resources to community based organizations in San Diego County at the frontlines of this CoViD-19 outbreak.

Continued from page 4

HELP WANTED

Do you have extra toilet paper? Is your neighbor out? Is your Grandma doing okay? How about your cousin who works at a restaurant that closed recently? Or your brother who still has to go to work and has no one to hang with your nephews and nieces due to their school’s closure? How are you coping? Do you need some support? Reach out. Our best resource during these trying times is each other (from a safe and healthy distance of course). The CDC website also has a very helpful section on managing anxiety and stress that everyone should check out.

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Publisher: Richard T. Matz Advertising: (858)537-2280 x303 Editor: Lisa Matz Managing Editor: Lisa Vante Distribution: Dennis Wink Contributing Writers: Doug Aguillard, Keith Angelin, Elise Cooper, Art Garcia, Howard Hian, Jeri Jacquin (The Movie Maven), Carlos Kremer, Heather E. Siegel

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WANTED SERVICES

HANDYMAN

Reach out to your extended family.

To place an advertisement or for more information, call

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rypress.com

Volume 42

• Number 18

• Sept. 15,

2018

Contact Us: Tel 858.537.2280 333 S. Juniper St., Suite 103 Escondido, CA 92025 www.militarypress.com • news@militarypress.com facebook.com/mpnewspaper twitter.com/mpnewspaper

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Department of the Navy. The editorial objective of the Military Press is to promote support for a strong military presence. The opinions and views of the writers whose materials appear herein are those

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of the writers and not the publisher. Appearance of advertising

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PUZZLES

about what the future holds, and are overwhelmed with anxiety and stress about how to manage our current circumstances. Let us be kind and patient with one another. Let us reach out, from a healthy distance, to those we love to ensure they know we are thinking about them. What better time to make some extra long phone calls than when we’re at home doing nothing. Let us remember that taking steps to reduce the risk to ourselves can also reduce the risk to those who are at a higher risk, like those who are immunosuppressed or the elderly. Take care of yourselves, your loved ones, and your community to the best of your ability, and remember that we’ll be on the other side of this pandemic soon.

We wish you good health and safety throughout the remainder of this pandemic and beyond.

ACROSS

1. Approves 6. Sensed 10. Anagram of “Ties” 14. Hotel employee 15. Wings 16. Stepped 17. Wash out with a solvent 18. Train track 19. Learning method 20. A payment of money 22. Basic unit of money in China 23. Unhappy 24. Truths 26. Associate 30. Nothing-but-net sound 32. Heavenly hunter 33. Calmness without winds 37. Breathe hard 38. Earthquake 39. Small island 40. Not here 42. Building addition 43. Periods of seven days 44. Fast 45. Wear away 47. Hit on the head 48. Aspersion 49. A verbatim performance 56. Role 57. French for “State” 58. Audio communications 59. A D-Day beach 60. Certain 61. Make improvements 62. Depend 63. Chickadees 64. Discharges

SUDOKU

The rules to play Sudoku are quite simple. Fill in the blanks so that each row, each column, and each of the nine 3x3 grids contain one instance of each of the number 1 through 9.

DOWN

1. Not under 2. Cabbagelike vegetable 3. Astringent 4. Abominable Snowman 5. Type of hat 6. Unit of capacitance 7. Distinctive flair 8. Nonclerical 9. Television movie 10. An alkaloid plant toxin 11. Anagram of “Tutor” 12. Smidgens

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13. Biblical garden 21. Bar bill 25. American Sign Language 26. Expect and wish 27. By mouth 28. Containers 29. Remarkable 30. Mixes 31. Sage 33. Search 34. Feudal worker 35. Sleigh 36. Alluring 38. Most diaphanous

41. Married 42. Garb 44. Drunkard 45. Gladden 46. Not urban 47. Nibbles 48. Prod 50. Decorative case 51. A heavy open wagon 52. Docile 53. Bright thought 54. Pig sound 55. Gestures of assent

This week’s solutions:

March 15, 2020 11

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